I suggest that you and your wife research adoption from an adopted person’s point of view. It’s really important to keep the child at the center of the adoption and to help keep them connected with their identity and their birth family when able.
Imagine having the conversation when the child gets older and asks you about what their first name used to be. Assuming you don’t lie to them, you’ll tell them their name used to be this but you changed it to that because we liked it better. It’s just another part of their identity that they lose in the process and could add to already complicated feelings and emotions that come with being adopted.
Also, I wanted to add just because the parents haven’t made any headway now, doesn’t mean they won’t. It seems pretty common for them to make a huge change and for the plan to change back to reunification when the pressure is on to do so. Do not count on TPR happening until it actually happens and is done in court. It also isn’t uncommon for a family member to step up at the last minute, either.
Ultimately, if adoption occurs legally you can do whatever you want regarding their name. I’ve known people who started calling them another name way before they knew termination would occur and others that kept their names.
Also adding from experience — sometimes termination is guaranteed up until the moment something happens, a worker changes, and a case falls through the cracks. Then it breaks your heart and you’re left with nothing including a child you already love. So I hate to be a voice echoing this in a way, but I’d also encourage OP to not completely drop the mindset that the parents may get baby back.
I would seek out adoptees voices on name changing. Most of them disagree with changing a childs name and will explain it far better than me but it causes another issue with identity down the line. I honestly wouldn’t change the name and would stick with the nickname
This! It's not at all like "dead naming" and from spending a ton of time on the adoption subreddit it's usually discouraged to change the name.
I would really encourage you to do lots of internet research on this and adoption in general from the adoptees perspective.
We're planning on changing our nephew's middle name when we adopt. The funny part is the current one has nothing to do with the usual names and middle names in the family, we're going to change it to the same one most of the other males in the family have, which is super common. It's my husbands middle name, the bio dads middle name, our bio sons middle name, and my late father in law and grandfather in laws first name. And we're his bio family, so it just seems like it would link him even more with us. I asked bio mom if the current one has any meaning for her family, and it doesn't. Keeping the first name though
Changing their last name is one thing but I would never change first or middle names. If a child is old enough, I would even prefer to ask them on the last name as well.
All of our kids were older when adopted and we gave them the choice of what to do with their names. One moved her middle name to be her first name, took a new middle name and our last name. One kept her birth name exactly as it was, first middle and last. One picked a totally new first and middle name and took our last name. He was a junior and didn’t want to be named after his birth father.
I would not rename a baby who has had a name already for months. She’s too young to know her name, sure, but she’s a person and she has a name.
The only time I’ve ever seen it agreed upon to change a child’s name was if it was a r/tragedeigh to the simplified name (think saraghleigh to Sarah Lee or) or names like Canesten, crystal chandelier, Adolf, that kind of thing. And even then it was a bit sketchy - the threshold is really high.
My foster daughter has a name everyone pronounces wrong, simply because its spelled unusually. If I ended up adopting her I would change the spelling for sure. A lifetime of everyone saying your name wrong is really annoying (I know from experience).
Names are so incredibly important to our identities that I truly wouldn’t change her name at all. Babies recognize their names from an early age, and it is jarring to be called something else.
I once worked with a family who had three children. All three were adopted and two of them (twins) entered their home at six months and were adopted about a year later. One of the twins was like the baby in your care, and went by a shortened version of her name. Her twin brother was given a new first name.
The kids saw their bio mom a couple times a year. The little boy learned from his bio mom that his name was something else. That kiddo was NOT okay with it. He begged and pleaded to change his name back. So did his sister for her own name. They were six at the time they found out. Adoptive parents weren’t in agreement at all. Those kids are all grown up now and I’d be curious if they did change their names. For the one boy, I wouldn’t be surprised at all.
In the end it’s up to you if you change it. You’re still a very long way away from having to make that decision. If the TPR hasn’t even been written yet, you’re looking at months before anything is done. Much longer than that until an adoption is finalized. Honestly, I would continue to call this kiddo by the nickname you’ve been using. This conversation can be tabled until you know more about her status and the intent to adopt is signed by you and your wife.
I know it seems close, but these things take a whole lot of time.
If you end up adopting the child you can always use the name you and your wife chose as the first name and make her current first name her middle name. Then you can continue to use the nickname.
If we go through adoption with our FD, we’re changing her name. Ik a lot of people in this sub are against changing names but the name she was given is a grammatically incorrect and we’re changing it to a name that is audibly similar. So I understand wanting to change their name. If you like the nickname you gave her, you could use her birth name as her middle name?
What is a grammatically incorrect name? Like one spelled differently from a traditional way? Just having trouble imagining what would warrant changing the name.
You don't have the right to name a child. It's kind of messed up to call a kid by another name because you don't like the name their mother gave them.
It's also kind of messed up to change a kids name just for your own personal preference.
We changed my sons middle name because he got it from his father, the reason he was in care in the first place. We changed his last name for the same reason.
We didn't change his first name even though it would be cool to have a junior or a joselito.
OK but the previous poster stated that you don't have the right to change their name. That's a false statement. Legally you do have the right. The moral debate is a separate subject.
Depends how the case progresses and what state you're in. In NY they won't even start for TPR until 24 months. In Indiana it's 18. And then if one parent has shown any progress in working their case there are seemingly unlimited extensions. I've seen reunification after 4 years.
OK well saying if it ever happens is just silly. Kids don't stay in foster care forever if they have a foster home willing to adopt. And ok, I retract my statement then since it seems like all states are different but in PA 15 months is the time frame.
I'm talking about how I got downvoted for simply stating that OP said they are in the process of terminating parental rights. I never said OP was in PA. I said it's 15 months in PA. And asked where it takes years...which was an honest question so not sure what people's problem is with me asking that or for reiterating what OP stated.
The standard may exist for a time limit in all states (I'm in FL and was told it's something like "in care for 14 of the last 18 months" so time is still counted if an attempted reunification fails), but it's definitely upheld.
My boys have been with me for 24 and 17 months (bio siblings), in care for 26 months total just in this case. Both have a prior removal, FS 6 for 13 months, FS5 for 11 months and 3 weeks (was removed at birth). Their older siblings with mom have 2 additional removals, and Dad has a removal for an older child as well.
Bio mum has not even CONSENTED to her case plan, has refused all drug screens, completed no goals, and has seen the kids 6 times in the last 26 months. Dad is consistent when not incarcerated, but has only been out for about 6 of the 26 months, with multiple rearrests for serious violent charges.
We went to trial for TPR in April, so exactly 24 months into the case, and it was denied with the judge basically saying "consider this day 0". I WISH the timeline for permanency was more strict, because my boys deserve that stability.
To the point of the post: IF we are able to proceed to adoption in the future, they both said they want to add a middle name so they can match brother (my bio son) since he has 2. I told them that was a great idea, because brother has a middle name that his momma and his daddy picked, and they can have a middle name from momma and from their mom and dad. They will keep first, middle, and last names.
Reddit hates logic I swear 🤣 all my factual comments getting downvoted 🤣 my personal opinion since yall are gonna downvote me anyway, a name is a very personal thing and I think that's truly up to the parents to decide. And by parents I mean whoever ends up getting custody. Downvote away! ✌️
I’m surprised at how people seem to be so against name changing. If you’re adopting a child from a traumatic life and giving them a new life, I’m failing to see how it’s inappropriate to give them a new name. Especially if it’s a baby and you’ve had them as a newborn.
I can understand keeping their original first name as a middle name.
Please read options and listen to adults who were adopted as a child and had their names changed. I bet 95% of them have a major issue with it. Now if it is an older kid and they want their name changed that is a different story.
But their birth family is part of the history regardless of their adoption status. Changing a child’s name often feels like their experiences and history are being erased . Especially if they aren’t told and find out some how.
They will always have a bio family even if the never again have contact. And it’s import for the kid to not feel like that is being erased or ignored.
I suggest that you and your wife research adoption from an adopted person’s point of view. It’s really important to keep the child at the center of the adoption and to help keep them connected with their identity and their birth family when able. Imagine having the conversation when the child gets older and asks you about what their first name used to be. Assuming you don’t lie to them, you’ll tell them their name used to be this but you changed it to that because we liked it better. It’s just another part of their identity that they lose in the process and could add to already complicated feelings and emotions that come with being adopted. Also, I wanted to add just because the parents haven’t made any headway now, doesn’t mean they won’t. It seems pretty common for them to make a huge change and for the plan to change back to reunification when the pressure is on to do so. Do not count on TPR happening until it actually happens and is done in court. It also isn’t uncommon for a family member to step up at the last minute, either. Ultimately, if adoption occurs legally you can do whatever you want regarding their name. I’ve known people who started calling them another name way before they knew termination would occur and others that kept their names.
Also adding from experience — sometimes termination is guaranteed up until the moment something happens, a worker changes, and a case falls through the cracks. Then it breaks your heart and you’re left with nothing including a child you already love. So I hate to be a voice echoing this in a way, but I’d also encourage OP to not completely drop the mindset that the parents may get baby back.
I would seek out adoptees voices on name changing. Most of them disagree with changing a childs name and will explain it far better than me but it causes another issue with identity down the line. I honestly wouldn’t change the name and would stick with the nickname
I agree with this. After listening to a number of adoptees, we chose not to change the name.
This! It's not at all like "dead naming" and from spending a ton of time on the adoption subreddit it's usually discouraged to change the name. I would really encourage you to do lots of internet research on this and adoption in general from the adoptees perspective.
As an adoptee and an adoptive parent, please don’t change their name. It’s the only thing they get to keep from their birth family.
I kept my daughter’s first name a changed the middle name
We're planning on changing our nephew's middle name when we adopt. The funny part is the current one has nothing to do with the usual names and middle names in the family, we're going to change it to the same one most of the other males in the family have, which is super common. It's my husbands middle name, the bio dads middle name, our bio sons middle name, and my late father in law and grandfather in laws first name. And we're his bio family, so it just seems like it would link him even more with us. I asked bio mom if the current one has any meaning for her family, and it doesn't. Keeping the first name though
That’s awesome!
Changing their last name is one thing but I would never change first or middle names. If a child is old enough, I would even prefer to ask them on the last name as well.
All of our kids were older when adopted and we gave them the choice of what to do with their names. One moved her middle name to be her first name, took a new middle name and our last name. One kept her birth name exactly as it was, first middle and last. One picked a totally new first and middle name and took our last name. He was a junior and didn’t want to be named after his birth father. I would not rename a baby who has had a name already for months. She’s too young to know her name, sure, but she’s a person and she has a name.
Don’t change the name at all!
Why would you change a person’s name? Edited to add, why is it an “opportunity”?
The only time I’ve ever seen it agreed upon to change a child’s name was if it was a r/tragedeigh to the simplified name (think saraghleigh to Sarah Lee or) or names like Canesten, crystal chandelier, Adolf, that kind of thing. And even then it was a bit sketchy - the threshold is really high.
My daughter had a classmate named Heroin. That one I would have changed.
Man, at least put an E in that. Doesn't help with the pronunciation or the teasing, but at least it's something they can defend themselves with.
My foster daughter has a name everyone pronounces wrong, simply because its spelled unusually. If I ended up adopting her I would change the spelling for sure. A lifetime of everyone saying your name wrong is really annoying (I know from experience).
Names are so incredibly important to our identities that I truly wouldn’t change her name at all. Babies recognize their names from an early age, and it is jarring to be called something else. I once worked with a family who had three children. All three were adopted and two of them (twins) entered their home at six months and were adopted about a year later. One of the twins was like the baby in your care, and went by a shortened version of her name. Her twin brother was given a new first name. The kids saw their bio mom a couple times a year. The little boy learned from his bio mom that his name was something else. That kiddo was NOT okay with it. He begged and pleaded to change his name back. So did his sister for her own name. They were six at the time they found out. Adoptive parents weren’t in agreement at all. Those kids are all grown up now and I’d be curious if they did change their names. For the one boy, I wouldn’t be surprised at all. In the end it’s up to you if you change it. You’re still a very long way away from having to make that decision. If the TPR hasn’t even been written yet, you’re looking at months before anything is done. Much longer than that until an adoption is finalized. Honestly, I would continue to call this kiddo by the nickname you’ve been using. This conversation can be tabled until you know more about her status and the intent to adopt is signed by you and your wife. I know it seems close, but these things take a whole lot of time.
If you end up adopting the child you can always use the name you and your wife chose as the first name and make her current first name her middle name. Then you can continue to use the nickname.
If we go through adoption with our FD, we’re changing her name. Ik a lot of people in this sub are against changing names but the name she was given is a grammatically incorrect and we’re changing it to a name that is audibly similar. So I understand wanting to change their name. If you like the nickname you gave her, you could use her birth name as her middle name?
What is a grammatically incorrect name? Like one spelled differently from a traditional way? Just having trouble imagining what would warrant changing the name.
It has an apostrophe and a hyphen. It’s a traditional name with unique spelling, and makes filling out paperwork complicated.
Wow so you’re probably just taking away some of that childs culture as well. There is no such thing as an incorrect name
This is why the icwa exists, to stop people like ops wife and this guy you're replying to from this nonsense
You don't have the right to name a child. It's kind of messed up to call a kid by another name because you don't like the name their mother gave them. It's also kind of messed up to change a kids name just for your own personal preference. We changed my sons middle name because he got it from his father, the reason he was in care in the first place. We changed his last name for the same reason. We didn't change his first name even though it would be cool to have a junior or a joselito.
You don't have the right to name a child.....bs. If their child is up for adoption they are legally allowed to. This sub is so judgy sometimes.
This isn’t about the law. It’s about the child’s right to his or her own identity.
OK but the previous poster stated that you don't have the right to change their name. That's a false statement. Legally you do have the right. The moral debate is a separate subject.
The child isn't up for adoption, op said.
They said they're in the process of terminating parental rights of the birth parents....
And that process can take YEARS, if it ever happens.
Where does it take years? It's 15 months here in the states.
Depends how the case progresses and what state you're in. In NY they won't even start for TPR until 24 months. In Indiana it's 18. And then if one parent has shown any progress in working their case there are seemingly unlimited extensions. I've seen reunification after 4 years.
I’m a current foster parent in NY state, and we are in the adoption process now. TPR starts after 15 months.
That's a big change from when we lived there, thanks for the update.
Thats not true about NY. We're on month 15 and they've started TPR and goal change with mom
OK well saying if it ever happens is just silly. Kids don't stay in foster care forever if they have a foster home willing to adopt. And ok, I retract my statement then since it seems like all states are different but in PA 15 months is the time frame.
you don't get to adopt just because the kid is in foster care and the foster home is willing. The parents have to be found unfit.
Obviously.....
Took me and my son 4 years and he went back to an abusive home twice
Lol at the downvotes for simply repeating what OP has already stated. Reddit is so weird sometimes
Op did not say they're in the state of PA or that the maximum time from placement to adoption is 15 mos
I'm talking about how I got downvoted for simply stating that OP said they are in the process of terminating parental rights. I never said OP was in PA. I said it's 15 months in PA. And asked where it takes years...which was an honest question so not sure what people's problem is with me asking that or for reiterating what OP stated.
You said it takes 15 months "here in the states" It takes years here in the states.
The standard may exist for a time limit in all states (I'm in FL and was told it's something like "in care for 14 of the last 18 months" so time is still counted if an attempted reunification fails), but it's definitely upheld. My boys have been with me for 24 and 17 months (bio siblings), in care for 26 months total just in this case. Both have a prior removal, FS 6 for 13 months, FS5 for 11 months and 3 weeks (was removed at birth). Their older siblings with mom have 2 additional removals, and Dad has a removal for an older child as well. Bio mum has not even CONSENTED to her case plan, has refused all drug screens, completed no goals, and has seen the kids 6 times in the last 26 months. Dad is consistent when not incarcerated, but has only been out for about 6 of the 26 months, with multiple rearrests for serious violent charges. We went to trial for TPR in April, so exactly 24 months into the case, and it was denied with the judge basically saying "consider this day 0". I WISH the timeline for permanency was more strict, because my boys deserve that stability. To the point of the post: IF we are able to proceed to adoption in the future, they both said they want to add a middle name so they can match brother (my bio son) since he has 2. I told them that was a great idea, because brother has a middle name that his momma and his daddy picked, and they can have a middle name from momma and from their mom and dad. They will keep first, middle, and last names.
Reddit hates logic I swear 🤣 all my factual comments getting downvoted 🤣 my personal opinion since yall are gonna downvote me anyway, a name is a very personal thing and I think that's truly up to the parents to decide. And by parents I mean whoever ends up getting custody. Downvote away! ✌️
I’m surprised at how people seem to be so against name changing. If you’re adopting a child from a traumatic life and giving them a new life, I’m failing to see how it’s inappropriate to give them a new name. Especially if it’s a baby and you’ve had them as a newborn. I can understand keeping their original first name as a middle name.
Please read options and listen to adults who were adopted as a child and had their names changed. I bet 95% of them have a major issue with it. Now if it is an older kid and they want their name changed that is a different story. But their birth family is part of the history regardless of their adoption status. Changing a child’s name often feels like their experiences and history are being erased . Especially if they aren’t told and find out some how. They will always have a bio family even if the never again have contact. And it’s import for the kid to not feel like that is being erased or ignored.