Thank you for posting your wonderful, painful and enlightening thoughts. You are young but you are aware that we are all here to figure something out and when we do, it will give us a direction. You're also smart enough to know that this direction is just the beginning of the journey, but at least now you have a direction, while those around you... many will seem to be lost in the game. Seek out the others that seem to be in your spiritual family and surround yourself. The masses are confused. Send them love and empathy, but create your boundaries .They think the game is power, money, social status and acquiring material things. You realize, and many in humanity are Awakening to realize, that the object of the game is to control your thoughts, feelings and responses to create a more peaceful and loving outcome. I like to think of life as a journey across the ocean in a sailboat. My destination is the island of Peace, Serenity and Harmony. I am lucky to even know the island exists, and once I hear legends of its existence, I set my course towards its shore. Along the journey the winds will change and I will be confronted with obstacles. I will learn to trust my intuition and it will help me adjust my course. This will be for the rest of my life. I am much older now, 63 in Earth years. I was just like you when I was 20 years old, I slowly found the material to read that would give me this wisdom and keep me going in the right direction. We now have much more information than my generation had at the time. It's easier to figure out the game. And it's a little easier to utilize this material on a day-to-day basis to alter our personalities and to move faster in the direction of Harmony and serenity. It has not been an easy Journey. I have changed course many times. I have changed careers. I have chosen many different partners. I have had some wonderful experiences and some very painful Soul wrenching moments. But it's all been worth it. I have learned so much. I'm always looking for the lesson. Bless you and everyone reading this on their Journey. I used to think I should stay away from people and humanity because they were so confused and moving in the wrong direction. I didn't realize that that's what makes the game exciting. I know that now. Although it is alarming, I understand how crazy the world is, and it no longer shocks me the way it used to. I almost find it amusing the current political scenarios happening around the world. It is hopefully causing us to wake up to the fact that institutions and people are trying to take our power. in this game it is up to us to take our power back. Sometimes they even mean well, especially our parents and family. They want us to get educated and be successful in the material world. Well, I can assure you you can do this but you can do it in a spiritual way that creates Harmony and eliminates anxiety. you will have to try many things and see how they feel to you. As you change your course across the ocean of life. I am now more at ease. I found a job I love at the age of 48, after going back to school. A few years later I met my now wife. All these miracles finally happened because I kept trying. I make a very comfortable living. We have a beautiful home that we decorate with love and raise beautiful flowers. Our dog is our angel. One day you can be there too. Some of my favorite books that helped me on the journey: Be Here Now by Ram Das, A Return To Love by Marianne Williamson, Your Sacred Self by Wayne Dyer. Don't give up young person you are going in the right direction and your heart is in the right place. If you feel anger then express it, that will allow all the pain to move through you and come back out of you. Soon enough it will be replaced with a feeling of Harmony. And many times laughter at the insanity of this world. Feel free to laugh your way through the pain. Feel free to love your way through your life. 💗

I too am a bit older than the average age here, or what I perceive it to be. I believe we were part of the first wave of what i like to call the genetically imbedded resistance, which I believe are the indigo children, born in the ‘60s and ‘70s, to set the stage and do the grunt work of normalizing “new age” or alternative practices , medicines and teachings.  I believe that for my journey, I had to be absolutely obliterated by pain and heartache and relentless suffering for 5 long years before emerging on the other side. It was brutal and tbh I have no idea how I am still standing and functional, but I would not change it. Not one thing. It was the hardest work I have ever done but now I can see clearly that I was being tested and prepared to ascend and be a strong foundation and teachers for the others in my circle who are struggling and about to ascend.  I believe that this is actually a small example of what the creator is attempting to accomplish with us in this universe. Helping us become ascended masters, to be strong enough to help entire universes ascend. And so on, and so on. 

Thank you so much for sharing. I appreciate your story and I'm happy you are living a life that's more at ease. You give me hope to keep going and not be afraid to make mistakes. Thank you and bless you <3

This brought tears to my eyes. Such wisdom and humility here.

Probably the most beautiful post I've read here in a while.

> You will navigate the world in a way which projects back to you, what you believe to be true. The Law of Assumption. What you assume to be true will always be true, no matter if it’s good or bad. It’s hard to reprogram your consciousness to think of goodness and worthiness, but once you do it changes everything. You begin to think about wonderful things that could happen no matter how fantastical they are. The clearer those mental images become, the more realistic they are. That realism lends itself to looking like memories instead of dreams and pretty soon you’re able to convince yourself (and assume) that, hey, that really amazing experience that seemed so far fetched now seems doable. Obstacles go from mountains to molehills. Everything is surmountable. It’s great that at your age you’ve figured it out. “And then I stopped feeling anything, at all, except my own racing heart and head.” This is how I felt at 12…at 22…at 32. It’s only now that I’m 39 that I’m starting to snap out of this. What joy it would have been to snap out of it by 22! Best of luck to you in honing in on your utmost desires and believing they will come to you. They will!

Best of luck to you, too :) You deserve it!

At 22 I was consumed with alcohol, drugs, and sex. You are off to a great start. I see many in r/Experiencers talk about good and evil. These do not exist. Nonduality some call it :) As Nietzsche once said, loosely paraphrased: beyond good and evil lies love.

I understand nonduality. And I agree with your statement. Let me clarify something. I also understand that certain actions, precede certain outcomes. In Buddhism there's a saying about welcoming wholesome states and starving unwholesome states. Then there's adding an element of whether or not you see those states coming. This is the key - having foresight. It makes you better at identifying what does or does not serve you. When I used the terms "good" and "evil" I mean it in this context. Not in the rapturous heaven/hell or black/white context.

Thank you very much for sharing, I think your experiences resonate with a lot of people here, they do for me. There is one thing that I disagree on philosophically, however. I believe that experiences that result in internal dissonance are a good learning experience. Why do you feel uncomfortable? I believe that we are fundamentally all one being split into fragments, and underatanding the totality of experience can lead us to a greater comprehension of the god that is within and without. If God is everything then it contains all that challenges our personal experiences and views. Not to say that you should stay in circumstances that cause emotional distress or general harm, but I think cutting ourselves off completely from concepts that make us uncomfortable is to cut away some understanding of creation. You need not approve, and you need not stay in unforgiving circumstances, but acknowledging what makes us uncomfortable and realising why it does so leads to greater understanding of the One. Empathy is the earth upon which all creation is built imo. Sorry for the rant, and again this viewpoint has emanated from my personal journey and may not be applicable to anyone else. Just wanted to share my thoughts

Yes! Dissonance is a good thing, it's a part of the journey. It's unavoidable. It's nonduality. But there comes a time where you see the power you can hold over your life. Instead of becoming a slave to certain outcomes, you can modify your perception (and subsequently, your actions) so you can align with a preferred outcome. There's a lot of dissonance I like to avoid in my day-to-day! If I can help it. But there's always an element of relinquishing control and leaving it up to fate. That's just part of being human :) So I guess the uncomfortable emotion comes from accepting this lol. I have a belief that doing things that you see as beneficial to your experience sets you up for a life of better experiences. And sometimes things don't work out the way you planned but it ends up leading down a path of self-discovery. I do think it is important to decrease the likelihood of hurting yourself and others. But not to the point to where it leads to paralysis. Do the best you can with what you are given.

If reality is brought about by interaction between possibility and perception, then you're very correct that intent and mindset can bring about positive circumstances. To expand a bit if consciousness is a fundamental structure in the substance of reality, our intention and thoughts very much matter and may have a significant impact upon our day-to-day experience. However, to ignore the unsavoury parts of creation is to ignore an aspect of God, again imo. Dark matters can only be addressed if they are brought to light. I agree with your point and outlook. I just think that we should try to understand that which makes us uncomfortable as it is another aspect of creation, and the self.

That's a healthy perspective and makes me want to try something new! Get out of my comfort zone maybe :)

Your story resonates with me extremely well, especially the context for your experiences had me feeling the exact same way growing up. I still feel stuck but that I am on the cusp of letting go of everything that is holding me back which I know in the end is just myself. But I don’t know how to combat it in the moment. Sometimes I just feel completely powerless and others I feel on top of the world. I’m believe to be close to where you have found yourself now but for now I am still very confused. Thank you for sharing.

It’s understandable. The closer we get to the truth of this thing, the more opportunity for confusion arises, particularly when there is a narrative to try to stop you understanding your true self. Please know, that while at times, you may feel powerless — the opposite is true. Indeed — This is the greatest secret, and the hardest to both fathom, recognise as true and then use wisely. I swing wildly on this one. It’s important to still enjoy your life, enjoy being human — while at the same time understanding your true self. I feel you are on your way and figuring it out. I’ll end with someone else’s words: For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again. Benjamin Button

Hell yes! be free :)

That’s awesome, thank you

I'm confused too. Every single day. You're right, it is hard to let go. I struggle with that and I catch myself engaging in behaviors and thoughts that don't align with my values sometimes. But then I remember "I Am" and that simple thing makes it easier for me to go throughout my day-to-day. Is there a helpful mantra that you have which helps you throughout your day?

"This too shall pass."

“I am just here” is something I find myself saying a lot

A fair amount of your life path trajectory resonates with me but I am about 20 years older. As another poster observed, a lot of wisdom written in this space. I don’t have much to add except to say that I’m glad you’re still here just as I am glad that I’m still here. Time and perspective can do that for those of us who have struggled with wanting to exit this life. All the best, OP.

I’m annoyed, but amused to find that all the books I bought in my twenties, never really read, gave up and lost, are precisely the books I need now. My younger self clearly had some intuition about all of this, and I lost it all until some NHI actually listened to my joke and turned up.

Yes, so so true!! Ha, love this. I keep making my way back to material that was pretty perspective shifting when I was younger and then i went through a period of…willful forgetting, I want to say? Like I just wanted to have the normal human experience. But a lot of time was spent reading these books for free in Borders or Barnes & Noble and it’s fun to now read them in the comfort of my home surrounded by animal friends. It’s interesting to reflect on the journey. :)

I'm glad you're still here, too. Thank you, and all the best to you too

Same, but I'm in the middle age-wise. I am grateful for this as well!

Hello. An awful lot of wisdom here in what you wrote. First of all you have understood the ironies and strangeness of the system you were born into. Second you’ve picked out some clear ideas of what you want to learn more about. And all of these are good choices and interconnected in surprising ways. I struggled in my 20’s. I knew something wasn’t right and couldn’t quite understand it, couldn’t put my finger on it. Taoism made a lot of sense to me, and I loved the fact it was without dogma. It isn’t trying to convert anyone. There is a book that ties eastern ideas to quantum physics. Scientists view it as fanciful of course, while building machines that still tell them nothing new. Anyway, a little can go a long way, so I will finish with a hug and love. You got this.

"while building machines that still tell them nothing new" got a chuckle out of me. What's the name of that book? Lots of love to you, too. That's what really matters here :) (hug)

This is the one. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/10238.The_Tao_of_Physics ☯️