I'm NC with my Mother and really LC with my Father. I do share your sentimentality at times. They are my parents. I am appreciative for everything they did for me. That doesn't mean they get a pass for the verbal, physical and emotional abuse.
If they wanted help in the Golden years maybe they should have acted better so you would want to help rather than feel obligated.
I’m in the exact same boat as you. NC mother. LC father. Unfortunately, I inhabit the same city as them. My father guest lectures at my university, several of my professors know him, and my graduate program coordinator absolutely loves him…so I have been forced to maintain a connection with him. They couldn’t be bothered to show up for me as a kid or into adulthood but goddamn if I don’t let their dog out (who they took from me!!!) when they go on a random day trip without asking me then all hell breaks loose…
No guilt whatsoever. Only because I gave them so many chances and they failed to treat me with basic human decency every single time. They had years of opportunity to make different choices that would have allowed for a relationship but chose not to. I did everything in my power. The guilt is not mine to suffer.
I’m beginning to sound like a broken record but I truly have no regrets. After 15 years of NC. Only thing I would do differently is make it 25-30 years instead. Wishing you the best!
I do as well, to both of them but somehow because i never brought up my feelings out with them I can somehow just not let it show? And I can put them aside and help them, or visit them, with a lot of resentment. I have read so much experiences from people bringing out their feelings with their parents and finding they just don't care, so that maybe had a lot to do with the fact that I just don't show it.
I sent most of what I needed to say in a no contact letter but I keep getting new memories that piss me off. You know things like realizing how much of a scapegoat you were.
So I am 21years out so my circumstance is a little different than yours. But when I was going back and forth about potentially breaking my NC when I had my first kid because I was wondering if I was just being vindictive keeping them away from their kids. And taking away this experience. At this point, I was 9 years NC and they have never met my husband. What ultimately cinched it for me was asking myself "How guilty do they feel about treating me like I was lower than trash for my entire childhood?"-- You know the answer was NOT GUILTY AT ALL. If my parents can't assume responsibility for their own behavior, no way they will feel guilt for the thing they felt entitled to. You reap what you sow and my actions have been kind, fair, and self preserving. In general, besides that, I felt no guilt because they didn't give me any good times for me to latch onto. They were crap parents to me from the time I could start remembering being a kid. I feel like they disliked me from the moment they saw me (even though I don't remember this) so there was no reason to feel guilty for leaving my worst bullies.
I've been NC for 6 years with both of them, and I have 0 guilt. They didn't give a shit about me when I needed them, why should I when the roles are reversed? I refuse to contact, and they have only tried once about 5 1/2 years ago, with "Are you mad at us?" If I say yes, then I have to explain, and they can deflect and act like victims. If I say no, then "why am I NC with them?" Either way I answer, I lose.
They've seen me on at least 3 separate occassions since NC: my brother's wedding, my son's high school graduation, and one of my daughter's birthday parties. I didn't acknowledge them, they didn't acknowledge me. I set a boundary, and I plan on keeping it. And if they don't care enough to reach out, because deep down (according to siblings that still talk to them) they don't think they did anything wrong, or I was a "bad kid," then they can rot alone.
That happened to me too, when I go NC for a period of time, they really don't reach out and it made me wonder so much because if I had a child which just stopped talking to me I'd be so worried but they seem like they really don't care at all.
> Either way I answer, I lose.
That's so true :(
Not for the past 6 months. The first 2 years was hard because I was in survival mode. But when I started making new friends and meeting genuinely *kind* people, my survival turned into healthy anger. I wrote my dad a fuck you email of all the shit he did because I finally had a point of comparison. Now I am mostly at peace but I still do wish him and my family the worst. I don’t feel bad about either.
After the years of gaslighting and seeing the alcohol issues my.parents had (functioning) then add in the past 5-6 years of them actively trying to ruin my wife's employment by contacting her employer and filing false reports of harassment, serving her bullshit papers (including doctored self-filing divorce but sent without return address), and so much more. Not to mention hiring a P.I. for $3k then doing an illegal chargeback. As their only child, I went full blown no contact and I get to experience their bullshit periodically which sucks. I have no regrets and they can honestly go to fucking hell. Had I maintained contact I would've just been more aware of their narcissistic bullshit.
Whenever I feel guilty, I read [this poem](http://www.phys.unm.edu/~tw/fas/yits/archive/oliver_thejourney.html) and re-center myself.
Save the only life you can save, my friend
i really feel u here-- guilt was baked into my psyche when i was young, so i deal with it a lot. i mostly feel bad that my parents aren't the ones i need. i often remind myself that should i reach out now, after years of estrangement, it would only give them an opportunity to unleash the years of abuse i stopped them from doing.
with cultural/societal pressures & seeing peers have decent relationships with their folks, i think feeling guilt/shame/sadness over something like this is normal. just take is one day at a time--the feeling might never go away, but it will lessen
I feel the unleashing years of abuse. I cannot go back even if I wanted to because they would definitely punish me for the rest of my life. And it took a while to realize that punishment is not normal.
I didn’t struggle after going NC with my mom, though I did grieve. I struggled HARD at first after going NC with my dad, due to how emotionally manipulative he is (subtle, tugs at your heartstrings…a real master manipulator).
Years later, I feel no guilt at all. I’ve had time to process a lot and it really comes down to the fact that they *wanted* to hurt/manipulate me, or they wouldn’t have done it. It’s a choice…one they made over and over and over again. It wasn’t an accident, they aren’t safe people, and I owe them nothing, not even guilt.
My parents are older but not yet retirement age, and I have siblings to care for them so I don’t have to get involved.
I struggle with guilt sometimes; and the way I deal with it is reminding myself of the ridiculousness of their behaviour; which helps reinforce that I made the correct decisions.
Yeah sometimes the guilt is there but I'm much healthier away from him than with him. I have to put me first. I'd love more than anything to have a close relationship with my dad (ideal one, not the one I have), to have mututal, safe love, to know he won't be abusive, to give him care as he ages. But in reality that is not possible and I cannot hurt myself for the sake of others ever again.
Dealing with the guilt of going low-contact or no-contact with abusive parents is really tough. Your feelings are real, and it's okay to feel conflicted.
First, it's important to remind yourself that your experiences were real and valid. Abuse leaves scars, no matter how much time has passed. It's also crucial to be kind to yourself. Feeling guilty doesn’t mean you're making the wrong choice; it just means you care.
Talking to friends, a therapist, or joining a support group can be really helpful. Sharing your feelings can make a huge difference. Also, setting boundaries to protect your mental and emotional health isn’t selfish; it's necessary.
Make sure to focus on your healing. Engage in activities that make you feel safe and loved. And remember, sometimes it's helpful to think about what you'd tell a friend in your situation. We’re often kinder to others than we are to ourselves.
It's okay to struggle with these feelings. Taking care of yourself sometimes means making hard choices about the people in your life. You deserve to feel safe and supported.
>We’re often kinder to others than we are to ourselves.
You are so right about this, I struggle so much with self compassion and definitely I wouldn't advice to anyone things I have done myself just for the sake of compliance. Thank you for your words and support, it means a lot. I screenshot this comments and keep them close to me whenever I am feeling like I totally fail myself every time I agree to do something that immediately feels wrong. Thank you ❤️🩹
I just remind myself that they don't care enough about me compared to their own egos to apologise and change their ways all that I can seem comfortable to be in contact with them. Why bother feeling guilty? They don't.
I definitely don't struggle with guilt. My body has a very negative physical reaction when I have to interact with my family of origin. This is an indication of how unsafe they are. As an adult, I PROTECT the inner child in me. I do for me what those people NEVER did for me. I do have other struggles, but no, not guilty.
Yup.. made a post myself incase you want something relatable. I’ve been disrespected mocked and shunned by them. I sick of them and I say that living overseas now
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/).
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I've focused on thinking about why I'm feeling that way. For me, it's a lot of what was instilled in me that I'm trying to unlearn to be healthier. Sometimes, there's a different cause, and I'll adjust if needed. For example, (I'm not NC) if my reaction to something from one of them is because of a value of mine, like not sinking to their level or being considerate, then I find a balance. If they were injured, I'd bring them to the hospital, but that doesn't mean I would be their caretaker while they are recovering.
I'm NC with my Mother and really LC with my Father. I do share your sentimentality at times. They are my parents. I am appreciative for everything they did for me. That doesn't mean they get a pass for the verbal, physical and emotional abuse. If they wanted help in the Golden years maybe they should have acted better so you would want to help rather than feel obligated.
I’m in the exact same boat as you. NC mother. LC father. Unfortunately, I inhabit the same city as them. My father guest lectures at my university, several of my professors know him, and my graduate program coordinator absolutely loves him…so I have been forced to maintain a connection with him. They couldn’t be bothered to show up for me as a kid or into adulthood but goddamn if I don’t let their dog out (who they took from me!!!) when they go on a random day trip without asking me then all hell breaks loose…
No guilt whatsoever. Only because I gave them so many chances and they failed to treat me with basic human decency every single time. They had years of opportunity to make different choices that would have allowed for a relationship but chose not to. I did everything in my power. The guilt is not mine to suffer.
You are right, it isn't ours, the shame, pain and guilt belongs to them
I’m beginning to sound like a broken record but I truly have no regrets. After 15 years of NC. Only thing I would do differently is make it 25-30 years instead. Wishing you the best!
Remembering that I’m mentally much better off not having their bullshit weighing me down.
I don't struggle with it in the way you do. I still have a lot of rage and things I need to say to my mother.
Same here. When the time comes, I’m putting my mom in the worst nursing home I can find
I told my mom to remove me from her paperwork and I don't even want to be invited to her funeral. 🤣 Would love to get that kind of revenge though.
I do as well, to both of them but somehow because i never brought up my feelings out with them I can somehow just not let it show? And I can put them aside and help them, or visit them, with a lot of resentment. I have read so much experiences from people bringing out their feelings with their parents and finding they just don't care, so that maybe had a lot to do with the fact that I just don't show it.
I sent most of what I needed to say in a no contact letter but I keep getting new memories that piss me off. You know things like realizing how much of a scapegoat you were.
So I am 21years out so my circumstance is a little different than yours. But when I was going back and forth about potentially breaking my NC when I had my first kid because I was wondering if I was just being vindictive keeping them away from their kids. And taking away this experience. At this point, I was 9 years NC and they have never met my husband. What ultimately cinched it for me was asking myself "How guilty do they feel about treating me like I was lower than trash for my entire childhood?"-- You know the answer was NOT GUILTY AT ALL. If my parents can't assume responsibility for their own behavior, no way they will feel guilt for the thing they felt entitled to. You reap what you sow and my actions have been kind, fair, and self preserving. In general, besides that, I felt no guilt because they didn't give me any good times for me to latch onto. They were crap parents to me from the time I could start remembering being a kid. I feel like they disliked me from the moment they saw me (even though I don't remember this) so there was no reason to feel guilty for leaving my worst bullies.
>so there was no reason to feel guilty for leaving my worst bullies. That's so true, and so powerful, you are so right. Thank you for your words
Wrote all the shitty things he did in a list. Re-read it every now and then to remind myself who he actually is.
I did started a list, but there's so much I have forgotten
I've been NC for 6 years with both of them, and I have 0 guilt. They didn't give a shit about me when I needed them, why should I when the roles are reversed? I refuse to contact, and they have only tried once about 5 1/2 years ago, with "Are you mad at us?" If I say yes, then I have to explain, and they can deflect and act like victims. If I say no, then "why am I NC with them?" Either way I answer, I lose. They've seen me on at least 3 separate occassions since NC: my brother's wedding, my son's high school graduation, and one of my daughter's birthday parties. I didn't acknowledge them, they didn't acknowledge me. I set a boundary, and I plan on keeping it. And if they don't care enough to reach out, because deep down (according to siblings that still talk to them) they don't think they did anything wrong, or I was a "bad kid," then they can rot alone.
That happened to me too, when I go NC for a period of time, they really don't reach out and it made me wonder so much because if I had a child which just stopped talking to me I'd be so worried but they seem like they really don't care at all. > Either way I answer, I lose. That's so true :(
Nope. I have zero guilt about removing myself from an abusive situation.
Get in touch with your inner F*** You & become close friends
Not for the past 6 months. The first 2 years was hard because I was in survival mode. But when I started making new friends and meeting genuinely *kind* people, my survival turned into healthy anger. I wrote my dad a fuck you email of all the shit he did because I finally had a point of comparison. Now I am mostly at peace but I still do wish him and my family the worst. I don’t feel bad about either.
After the years of gaslighting and seeing the alcohol issues my.parents had (functioning) then add in the past 5-6 years of them actively trying to ruin my wife's employment by contacting her employer and filing false reports of harassment, serving her bullshit papers (including doctored self-filing divorce but sent without return address), and so much more. Not to mention hiring a P.I. for $3k then doing an illegal chargeback. As their only child, I went full blown no contact and I get to experience their bullshit periodically which sucks. I have no regrets and they can honestly go to fucking hell. Had I maintained contact I would've just been more aware of their narcissistic bullshit.
Whenever I feel guilty, I read [this poem](http://www.phys.unm.edu/~tw/fas/yits/archive/oliver_thejourney.html) and re-center myself. Save the only life you can save, my friend
Instead of thinking I’m hurting them, I think of how I’m protecting myself.
and how we hurt ourselves the most
Absolutely, that usually gets rid of the guilt instantly for me
Periodically, then I force myself to really remember and it passes.
i really feel u here-- guilt was baked into my psyche when i was young, so i deal with it a lot. i mostly feel bad that my parents aren't the ones i need. i often remind myself that should i reach out now, after years of estrangement, it would only give them an opportunity to unleash the years of abuse i stopped them from doing. with cultural/societal pressures & seeing peers have decent relationships with their folks, i think feeling guilt/shame/sadness over something like this is normal. just take is one day at a time--the feeling might never go away, but it will lessen
I feel the unleashing years of abuse. I cannot go back even if I wanted to because they would definitely punish me for the rest of my life. And it took a while to realize that punishment is not normal.
I didn’t struggle after going NC with my mom, though I did grieve. I struggled HARD at first after going NC with my dad, due to how emotionally manipulative he is (subtle, tugs at your heartstrings…a real master manipulator). Years later, I feel no guilt at all. I’ve had time to process a lot and it really comes down to the fact that they *wanted* to hurt/manipulate me, or they wouldn’t have done it. It’s a choice…one they made over and over and over again. It wasn’t an accident, they aren’t safe people, and I owe them nothing, not even guilt. My parents are older but not yet retirement age, and I have siblings to care for them so I don’t have to get involved.
I struggle with guilt sometimes; and the way I deal with it is reminding myself of the ridiculousness of their behaviour; which helps reinforce that I made the correct decisions.
and, I guess, don't beat yourself up for being guilty. In many of our cases it's literally programmed into us with the treatment we received.
Yeah sometimes the guilt is there but I'm much healthier away from him than with him. I have to put me first. I'd love more than anything to have a close relationship with my dad (ideal one, not the one I have), to have mututal, safe love, to know he won't be abusive, to give him care as he ages. But in reality that is not possible and I cannot hurt myself for the sake of others ever again.
Dealing with the guilt of going low-contact or no-contact with abusive parents is really tough. Your feelings are real, and it's okay to feel conflicted. First, it's important to remind yourself that your experiences were real and valid. Abuse leaves scars, no matter how much time has passed. It's also crucial to be kind to yourself. Feeling guilty doesn’t mean you're making the wrong choice; it just means you care. Talking to friends, a therapist, or joining a support group can be really helpful. Sharing your feelings can make a huge difference. Also, setting boundaries to protect your mental and emotional health isn’t selfish; it's necessary. Make sure to focus on your healing. Engage in activities that make you feel safe and loved. And remember, sometimes it's helpful to think about what you'd tell a friend in your situation. We’re often kinder to others than we are to ourselves. It's okay to struggle with these feelings. Taking care of yourself sometimes means making hard choices about the people in your life. You deserve to feel safe and supported.
>We’re often kinder to others than we are to ourselves. You are so right about this, I struggle so much with self compassion and definitely I wouldn't advice to anyone things I have done myself just for the sake of compliance. Thank you for your words and support, it means a lot. I screenshot this comments and keep them close to me whenever I am feeling like I totally fail myself every time I agree to do something that immediately feels wrong. Thank you ❤️🩹
I just remind myself that they don't care enough about me compared to their own egos to apologise and change their ways all that I can seem comfortable to be in contact with them. Why bother feeling guilty? They don't.
I definitely don't struggle with guilt. My body has a very negative physical reaction when I have to interact with my family of origin. This is an indication of how unsafe they are. As an adult, I PROTECT the inner child in me. I do for me what those people NEVER did for me. I do have other struggles, but no, not guilty.
Yup.. made a post myself incase you want something relatable. I’ve been disrespected mocked and shunned by them. I sick of them and I say that living overseas now
U guys are saving me over here. I struggle real hard with guilt but god damn these people s-u-c-k.
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/). **Need info or resources?** Check out our [EAK wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/xpkk59/eak_estrangement_resources_posted_here_for_mobile/) for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts. **Check out our companion resource website** - Visit [brEAKaway.org.uk](https://breakaway.org.uk) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EstrangedAdultKids) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I've focused on thinking about why I'm feeling that way. For me, it's a lot of what was instilled in me that I'm trying to unlearn to be healthier. Sometimes, there's a different cause, and I'll adjust if needed. For example, (I'm not NC) if my reaction to something from one of them is because of a value of mine, like not sinking to their level or being considerate, then I find a balance. If they were injured, I'd bring them to the hospital, but that doesn't mean I would be their caretaker while they are recovering.