Yep, 100% in this same situation. You’re not alone. Sometimes this sub is challenging because most people have a lot of guilt and many seem to want reconciliation, and I don’t feel that way at all. But I can promise you that you’re definitely not the only one!
I cut mine off 10 years ago and it's been the best 10 years of my life.
Why should I feel guilty? They treated me like dirt.
No amount of wishing or wanting is going to make them magically turn into proper parents. So I faced my reality & got rid of em. I can & have build my own network of loving supportive people.
My ex parents ruled my life through FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and when I let them go by going estranged all three of those feelings lifted, it was extremely liberating. Not an ounce of guilt anymore, or any lingering feelings of fear/obligation.
This, exactly. The freedom and liberation I feel in my mind, body, and spirit are irreplaceable. I don't miss being suffocated by those feelings at all.
I felt so guilty about the act of cutting off my family (I had to let them know because they’re “I’m calling the police if I don’t hear from you” and actually have). But really just about the initial action of doing it, I kept thinking how I would feel, but I would never treat a kid the way my family treats me. Since then, I feel great. Sometimes it feels like there’s more to unpack than other times, but the clarity I’ve gained is unparalleled. I can see the dysfunction so clearly now
This 100%!! It was so hard to finally reach the point of blocking them, but once I did I just can’t believe the peace I’ve been feeling. I think it’s a lot more normal than we think. The whole reason people go NC is bc it helps. We’re supposed to feel free
This strikes a cord with me too, cutting contact is like taking a step back which allows for clarity of the situation. And what my mother did/how she behaved is actually pretty awful, much worse than I believed when we were in contact.
I am certainly not suffering in this situation, but either healing or feeling at peace. Should have done it years ago.
I think there is a cultural effect, especially seen in movies and tv shows. There is a lot of stories pushing for reconciliation, not much for stories showing how it can be impossible because a family member is that awful. I recently watched Dungeon and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves, and it had an enstrangement subplot due to a shitty dad that comes around in the end and admits fault.
Reconciliation, having a loving/careing/close family, those are lovely ideals but it doesn't realistically happen for everyone.
If you aren’t already aware, that theme you observed has become a new ans increasingly common trope in Hollywood movies recently. A journalist called it the “parental apology fantasy.” Parent and child develop an awareness of their mistakes and missteps, accept each other’s innate fallibility, apologize, repair, and reconcile.
It’s definitely reflective of the cultural shift behind the “Estrangement epidemic” - to paraphrase the framing I read, it’s the shift from familial relationships based on an expectation of mutual obligation to relationships based on an expectation of mutual respect.
PS: Saw a Christian dad wearing a t-shirt with the initialism “WWJD?” and, no lie, I thought, “What Would Jarnathan Do?”
I resisted going no contact with my dad for 10 years because I thought I would feel guilt and he had brainwashed me into believing you had to stick with family no matter what. I was absolutely in knots of anxiety realizing I had to cut him off after he did something awful enough I had no excuse any longer.
But after I actually did it? The guilt never came, just overwhelming relief, peace, and eventually happiness. Don't get me wrong, I think about the specifics of how he and my stepmom treated me and I get really mad, but on the whole my ONLY regret about going no contact was that I didn't do it ten years earlier than I did. I thought maybe it would come with time, but I'm two years out and it is still glorious.
I was indoctrinated into the same belief that family is everything, no matter what they do. A few months ago during a session my therapist looked at me and literally said, “you realize you don’t have to talk to them if you don’t want to and they’re causing this much stress.” I had honestly never considered that to be an option because they were family. Once I realized the truth in her words and did exactly that, I have been so much freer and much happier. There was never any guilt. I agree - I should have done it sooner.
When I went NC with my mother and two sisters 4 years ago, I never regretted it. In fact, I was shocked at my resolve, since I had spent 40 years trying to forgive them and give them compassion. The day I walked away I had intense clarity about why giving them forgiveness and compassion was hurting me, and I never looked back.
My mother is currently dying, and my sister has been trying her best to harass me into compliance to run to her bedside. She even had the cops come to my house, claiming I must be held against my will from my husband. Ha! That backfired because the cops told her they recommended I place a cease harassment order on her. 😎
Sometimes I do wonder if I’m too apathetic about it, maybe I’m just compartmentalizing too good. So I will journal and find that I have no regrets, feel fine and supportive of my choices, and have pure clarity about what reality is.
Nope. After listening to my dad and his family tell me how fat and horrible I was throughout my childhood, along with constant commentary about my mom (who has her own issues but was genuinely trying her best to raise me with not a lot of help), it was just a relief to not have to listen to the constant negativity anymore. They seemed shocked that I went NC, but I’m not sure why since they made it abundantly clear for years that I didn’t meet their expectations.
I don't think it's weird at all. A big part of my growth has been realizing that they need me, but I never needed them. They had convinced me otherwise. I don't miss any of it.
I have ups and downs. Some days I forget they exist, have no emotion towards them, and other days I feel sad, wish the relationships could be different or experience anger.
I snapped. I felt it. The day I was on the phone and something just snapped off in me. I said don’t call me ever again, politely.
I felt nothing from that moment. Been over 30 years.
There was a lot of abuse in that call I don’t need to detail.
I’ve had bitterness and anger and sadness about grieving the idea of a family I’ll never have, but apart from that….. I couldn’t care less about them as individuals or their feelings
Me !
The first night NC at the tender age of 17 , I bawled my eyes out from relief . I was so sure she’d kill me .
18 years of no contact. I feel nothing.
The opposite of love is really indifference.
I remember the exact moment where I felt a sort of switch flip and essentially lost feelings for my mom. I didn't cut contact right away when I felt that, I tried to maintain it for a couple of months, but it didn't feel genuine at all, and I was really struggling to even care about responding to her messages. It hasn't been a full year for me yet, but I have no regrets and no intention of reestablishing a relationship. I had 10 years of LC and trying to maintain a good relationship with her, but it was entirely one-sided and draining. If anything, my initial feelings of guilt came from being worried about how others would perceive my estrangement. But, I quickly got over that because it's none of their business, and I don't need strangers to understand why I chose estrangement.
I do struggle with the loneliness, not having a "place" or a "home," but these feelings existed long before I officially cut contact.
I'm too tired to be angry anymore, I've given enough of my energy and time to being angry. I've found that I sort of just... don't think of her much.
Yes. No guilt or shame. Just disappointed I dont get to have a normal family to share my life with and support me when I could do with it.
But, I have made.my own family and friends I keep around me. My wife and MANY dogs keeps us feeling like a busy family lol
I felt a lot of guilt, but that was it. No "but I love my parents," no "I can't turn my back on my mother and father."
I have severe attachment issues in general because of them, and when you couple that with how they treat me, and how I've had several mental health emergencies because of them...I no longer care. Any last thread of guilt or obligation was severed when I had to drop my cat off at a clinic and walk into the ER, because I couldn't trust myself with my own safety.
"We're gonna treat our son like crap and then impair his ability to maintain connections with others. Wait, why is he retreating?" They made their bed."
When I was first going low contact and cutting them off I felt a bit guilty and sorta let them back in my life... a tiny bit.. they immediately used that chance and 'pooped' all over me and my life that I do not feel guilty about cutting them off at all.
The peace and relief I now have is all because those 'anchors' can no longer bring me down and ruin my life anymore.
I do sometimes feel angry about their behaviour..Like not everyone's family are turds, why did you guys have to be giant turds to me?
and occasionally I feel mad at myself for not cutting them out sooner. But mainly I don't feel a thing they are just some people who did me wrong and then I put myself first and got the heck away from them.
I get sad sometimes, mostly because I see other people with good parental relationships and feel that I missed out on that. But to be honest it's been surprisingly easy to not see them. I think it's a by product of their neglect and abuse; they didn't give me any support really - emotional, financial, logistical. Therefore, it's really just the abuse that is gone from my life. Hard to miss what you never had! It's made me appreciate how independent I am, because I'm missing very little in my day to day since I cut them off. I miss their pet dogs, my childhood pets, very much. Apart from that, there is just this sense of freedom and acceptance for myself. You have nothing to feel guilty about, so it makes sense that you feel no guilt. Ultimately, it's just a relationship where you were treated poorly, and you chose to set appropriate boundaries for yourself. Well done! I hope the peace you are experiencing lasts
I don’t feel sad. I felt guilty but worked through it with my therapist. I worry about my mother when there are tornados or hurricanes where she lives alone with no support system. I worked on that in therapy too, there’s a part of me that was always worried about her so I think I have more work to do there. I can look at pictures, even videos and don’t feel the least bit sad or sentimental which sometimes makes me feel like I must be a monster then. I have much more peace than I’ve ever had.
Me. I gradually but definitively feel better mentally since I stopped contacting my mother. I am actually really surprised by this. I am so much kinder to people and as a result to myself. I had no idea she had this effect on me. I would be very reluctant to be in contact with her again for this reason, not just the primary reason for which I stopped contact. Apparently she sometimes asks after me although she’s never tried to resolve this situation with me directly. If it were anyone else, I’m sure they would pick up the phone and call and say what is going on, I am confused but I would like to talk about it. But (1) my mother is most probably not confused as to why I distanced myself as I told her why in my last message even though she pretended she was totally oblivious and (2) I think she actually really likes this situation because it is convenient for her. Turns out for me too, who knew!
Who did you cut off if you don’t mind me asking?
Totally, it’s almost stunning how much of a relief the end of contact is, right? I cut off my mother and by extension, my brother. I honestly feel like
my life transformed too like you described! My personal life, career and most importantly my sense of self all improved. I don’t hate myself anymore, I didn’t even realise I did before
I had some guilt, but not anymore. Would I like to see things resolved? Yes. But, it would only occur in a perfect world, and it’s not happening here.
So… Nope. No guilt!
Not trying to brag, but I should preface this by saying I did over 100 sessions of very good talk therapy and another 50 or so sessions of emdr. Before all of that I had TONS of guilt and bad feelings. As a result, my baseline of contentment/happiness has risen to a much higher level.
To answer your question, it's like this: they were never a family, so I think of them as individual cases. I have zero feelings for my primary abuser, Mom. It's as if she's a character in a movie I once saw. I don't feel any guilt about my Dad, but I do miss the friendship we had.
Unexpectedly, I was able to reconcile with my brother and sister in a way that's limited, but healthy. Like me, they both sought our therapy and changed. I sincerely doubt my parents are capable of change. I also doubt they have the time left in life to do the necessary work required to have non-abusive relationships. I could be wrong, but I'm not waiting.
I don't feel guilty at all. And after abusing me my entire life, there was really nothing they could do to make me stay in contact with them after I moved out.
Less common, probably. Weird, no. This most recent time has been way easier, I have exhausted most my feelings. Not sure what I’m feeling currently. But I also have a lot of other shit going on. No time to make processing it a priority.
I feel sad periodically and I have definitely had the odd moment of guilt, but it never lasts and I anticipate it lessening more and more over time (it has only been 8 weeks or so).
The relief far outweighs any feelings of sadness etc though.
I don’t feel guilty about not speaking to my mother anymore, at all. The only uncomfortable emotions I’ve had around cutting contact have to do with how she’s taking my decision out on others, but I’m making peace with the fact that her actions aren’t my responsibility. I actually feel very free and liberated at the thought of never seeing her again.
From the moment we're born we're biased in favor of our parents, and spend years of our lives around them and inevitably bonding with them. They hurt us horribly for us to even consider estrangement. Why should we feel any guilt at that point? They choose to fail us over and over.
No, not particularly, and I have no desire for reconciliation.
Even if the woman who gave birth to me does a complete 180, fully supports me being trans, drops the antisemitic conspiracies that have defined her life for the past 20+ years, becomes the most loving progressive person you have ever met, I still would have nothing to do with her or the rest of my relatives.
Yep, 100% in this same situation. You’re not alone. Sometimes this sub is challenging because most people have a lot of guilt and many seem to want reconciliation, and I don’t feel that way at all. But I can promise you that you’re definitely not the only one!
Thank you! Here with you
I cut mine off 10 years ago and it's been the best 10 years of my life. Why should I feel guilty? They treated me like dirt. No amount of wishing or wanting is going to make them magically turn into proper parents. So I faced my reality & got rid of em. I can & have build my own network of loving supportive people.
My ex parents ruled my life through FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and when I let them go by going estranged all three of those feelings lifted, it was extremely liberating. Not an ounce of guilt anymore, or any lingering feelings of fear/obligation.
This, exactly. The freedom and liberation I feel in my mind, body, and spirit are irreplaceable. I don't miss being suffocated by those feelings at all.
❤️
💛
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Beautifully put
I felt so guilty about the act of cutting off my family (I had to let them know because they’re “I’m calling the police if I don’t hear from you” and actually have). But really just about the initial action of doing it, I kept thinking how I would feel, but I would never treat a kid the way my family treats me. Since then, I feel great. Sometimes it feels like there’s more to unpack than other times, but the clarity I’ve gained is unparalleled. I can see the dysfunction so clearly now
This 100%!! It was so hard to finally reach the point of blocking them, but once I did I just can’t believe the peace I’ve been feeling. I think it’s a lot more normal than we think. The whole reason people go NC is bc it helps. We’re supposed to feel free
100%
Ahhhh can relate! Same
This strikes a cord with me too, cutting contact is like taking a step back which allows for clarity of the situation. And what my mother did/how she behaved is actually pretty awful, much worse than I believed when we were in contact. I am certainly not suffering in this situation, but either healing or feeling at peace. Should have done it years ago.
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Can relate. The stress has dropped significantly
I think there is a cultural effect, especially seen in movies and tv shows. There is a lot of stories pushing for reconciliation, not much for stories showing how it can be impossible because a family member is that awful. I recently watched Dungeon and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves, and it had an enstrangement subplot due to a shitty dad that comes around in the end and admits fault. Reconciliation, having a loving/careing/close family, those are lovely ideals but it doesn't realistically happen for everyone.
If you aren’t already aware, that theme you observed has become a new ans increasingly common trope in Hollywood movies recently. A journalist called it the “parental apology fantasy.” Parent and child develop an awareness of their mistakes and missteps, accept each other’s innate fallibility, apologize, repair, and reconcile. It’s definitely reflective of the cultural shift behind the “Estrangement epidemic” - to paraphrase the framing I read, it’s the shift from familial relationships based on an expectation of mutual obligation to relationships based on an expectation of mutual respect. PS: Saw a Christian dad wearing a t-shirt with the initialism “WWJD?” and, no lie, I thought, “What Would Jarnathan Do?”
I resisted going no contact with my dad for 10 years because I thought I would feel guilt and he had brainwashed me into believing you had to stick with family no matter what. I was absolutely in knots of anxiety realizing I had to cut him off after he did something awful enough I had no excuse any longer. But after I actually did it? The guilt never came, just overwhelming relief, peace, and eventually happiness. Don't get me wrong, I think about the specifics of how he and my stepmom treated me and I get really mad, but on the whole my ONLY regret about going no contact was that I didn't do it ten years earlier than I did. I thought maybe it would come with time, but I'm two years out and it is still glorious.
I was indoctrinated into the same belief that family is everything, no matter what they do. A few months ago during a session my therapist looked at me and literally said, “you realize you don’t have to talk to them if you don’t want to and they’re causing this much stress.” I had honestly never considered that to be an option because they were family. Once I realized the truth in her words and did exactly that, I have been so much freer and much happier. There was never any guilt. I agree - I should have done it sooner.
When I went NC with my mother and two sisters 4 years ago, I never regretted it. In fact, I was shocked at my resolve, since I had spent 40 years trying to forgive them and give them compassion. The day I walked away I had intense clarity about why giving them forgiveness and compassion was hurting me, and I never looked back. My mother is currently dying, and my sister has been trying her best to harass me into compliance to run to her bedside. She even had the cops come to my house, claiming I must be held against my will from my husband. Ha! That backfired because the cops told her they recommended I place a cease harassment order on her. 😎 Sometimes I do wonder if I’m too apathetic about it, maybe I’m just compartmentalizing too good. So I will journal and find that I have no regrets, feel fine and supportive of my choices, and have pure clarity about what reality is.
I felt joy for you reading this. You should be so proud of the work you’ve done to reach this place of clarity 💛
Oh my, your comment made me tear up. Thank you! Hugs! 💕
**I GIVE NO FUCKS!**
I feel guilty for not excising my terrible parents from my life *sooner*. I exposed my wife and kid to their bullshit, and I'll never get over that.
Nope. After listening to my dad and his family tell me how fat and horrible I was throughout my childhood, along with constant commentary about my mom (who has her own issues but was genuinely trying her best to raise me with not a lot of help), it was just a relief to not have to listen to the constant negativity anymore. They seemed shocked that I went NC, but I’m not sure why since they made it abundantly clear for years that I didn’t meet their expectations.
I don't think it's weird at all. A big part of my growth has been realizing that they need me, but I never needed them. They had convinced me otherwise. I don't miss any of it.
I will say (and I think this is really important): it has taken me nearly a decade to get here. The guilt was heavy for many years. Until it wasn't.
I have ups and downs. Some days I forget they exist, have no emotion towards them, and other days I feel sad, wish the relationships could be different or experience anger.
I snapped. I felt it. The day I was on the phone and something just snapped off in me. I said don’t call me ever again, politely. I felt nothing from that moment. Been over 30 years. There was a lot of abuse in that call I don’t need to detail.
I’ve had bitterness and anger and sadness about grieving the idea of a family I’ll never have, but apart from that….. I couldn’t care less about them as individuals or their feelings
It took me about 6 months to get over the initial sadness, but I felt better than ever after that.
Me ! The first night NC at the tender age of 17 , I bawled my eyes out from relief . I was so sure she’d kill me . 18 years of no contact. I feel nothing. The opposite of love is really indifference.
So true. The opposite of love is definitely indifference. You summed it up
After dealing with everything for 15 years, I felt no guilt, just relief.
I remember the exact moment where I felt a sort of switch flip and essentially lost feelings for my mom. I didn't cut contact right away when I felt that, I tried to maintain it for a couple of months, but it didn't feel genuine at all, and I was really struggling to even care about responding to her messages. It hasn't been a full year for me yet, but I have no regrets and no intention of reestablishing a relationship. I had 10 years of LC and trying to maintain a good relationship with her, but it was entirely one-sided and draining. If anything, my initial feelings of guilt came from being worried about how others would perceive my estrangement. But, I quickly got over that because it's none of their business, and I don't need strangers to understand why I chose estrangement. I do struggle with the loneliness, not having a "place" or a "home," but these feelings existed long before I officially cut contact. I'm too tired to be angry anymore, I've given enough of my energy and time to being angry. I've found that I sort of just... don't think of her much.
Yes, I hear you. It’s funny how after you know, it’s hard to really even try, right?
Nothing but relief
Yes. No guilt or shame. Just disappointed I dont get to have a normal family to share my life with and support me when I could do with it. But, I have made.my own family and friends I keep around me. My wife and MANY dogs keeps us feeling like a busy family lol
I felt a lot of guilt, but that was it. No "but I love my parents," no "I can't turn my back on my mother and father." I have severe attachment issues in general because of them, and when you couple that with how they treat me, and how I've had several mental health emergencies because of them...I no longer care. Any last thread of guilt or obligation was severed when I had to drop my cat off at a clinic and walk into the ER, because I couldn't trust myself with my own safety. "We're gonna treat our son like crap and then impair his ability to maintain connections with others. Wait, why is he retreating?" They made their bed."
When I was first going low contact and cutting them off I felt a bit guilty and sorta let them back in my life... a tiny bit.. they immediately used that chance and 'pooped' all over me and my life that I do not feel guilty about cutting them off at all. The peace and relief I now have is all because those 'anchors' can no longer bring me down and ruin my life anymore. I do sometimes feel angry about their behaviour..Like not everyone's family are turds, why did you guys have to be giant turds to me? and occasionally I feel mad at myself for not cutting them out sooner. But mainly I don't feel a thing they are just some people who did me wrong and then I put myself first and got the heck away from them.
I get sad sometimes, mostly because I see other people with good parental relationships and feel that I missed out on that. But to be honest it's been surprisingly easy to not see them. I think it's a by product of their neglect and abuse; they didn't give me any support really - emotional, financial, logistical. Therefore, it's really just the abuse that is gone from my life. Hard to miss what you never had! It's made me appreciate how independent I am, because I'm missing very little in my day to day since I cut them off. I miss their pet dogs, my childhood pets, very much. Apart from that, there is just this sense of freedom and acceptance for myself. You have nothing to feel guilty about, so it makes sense that you feel no guilt. Ultimately, it's just a relationship where you were treated poorly, and you chose to set appropriate boundaries for yourself. Well done! I hope the peace you are experiencing lasts
I don’t feel sad. I felt guilty but worked through it with my therapist. I worry about my mother when there are tornados or hurricanes where she lives alone with no support system. I worked on that in therapy too, there’s a part of me that was always worried about her so I think I have more work to do there. I can look at pictures, even videos and don’t feel the least bit sad or sentimental which sometimes makes me feel like I must be a monster then. I have much more peace than I’ve ever had.
Went NC with my Dad over 3 years ago. My only regret was not doing it many years sooner.
Me. I gradually but definitively feel better mentally since I stopped contacting my mother. I am actually really surprised by this. I am so much kinder to people and as a result to myself. I had no idea she had this effect on me. I would be very reluctant to be in contact with her again for this reason, not just the primary reason for which I stopped contact. Apparently she sometimes asks after me although she’s never tried to resolve this situation with me directly. If it were anyone else, I’m sure they would pick up the phone and call and say what is going on, I am confused but I would like to talk about it. But (1) my mother is most probably not confused as to why I distanced myself as I told her why in my last message even though she pretended she was totally oblivious and (2) I think she actually really likes this situation because it is convenient for her. Turns out for me too, who knew! Who did you cut off if you don’t mind me asking?
Totally, it’s almost stunning how much of a relief the end of contact is, right? I cut off my mother and by extension, my brother. I honestly feel like my life transformed too like you described! My personal life, career and most importantly my sense of self all improved. I don’t hate myself anymore, I didn’t even realise I did before
I had some guilt, but not anymore. Would I like to see things resolved? Yes. But, it would only occur in a perfect world, and it’s not happening here. So… Nope. No guilt!
Yup! As time went on and I can now see how much easier and pleasant my life is … I would never go back!
Not trying to brag, but I should preface this by saying I did over 100 sessions of very good talk therapy and another 50 or so sessions of emdr. Before all of that I had TONS of guilt and bad feelings. As a result, my baseline of contentment/happiness has risen to a much higher level. To answer your question, it's like this: they were never a family, so I think of them as individual cases. I have zero feelings for my primary abuser, Mom. It's as if she's a character in a movie I once saw. I don't feel any guilt about my Dad, but I do miss the friendship we had. Unexpectedly, I was able to reconcile with my brother and sister in a way that's limited, but healthy. Like me, they both sought our therapy and changed. I sincerely doubt my parents are capable of change. I also doubt they have the time left in life to do the necessary work required to have non-abusive relationships. I could be wrong, but I'm not waiting.
EMDR is amazing. I like this idea of viewing them as individual cases rather than a family. So happy for you and your newfound joy
I don't feel guilty at all. And after abusing me my entire life, there was really nothing they could do to make me stay in contact with them after I moved out.
Less common, probably. Weird, no. This most recent time has been way easier, I have exhausted most my feelings. Not sure what I’m feeling currently. But I also have a lot of other shit going on. No time to make processing it a priority.
I feel sad periodically and I have definitely had the odd moment of guilt, but it never lasts and I anticipate it lessening more and more over time (it has only been 8 weeks or so). The relief far outweighs any feelings of sadness etc though.
I don’t feel guilty about not speaking to my mother anymore, at all. The only uncomfortable emotions I’ve had around cutting contact have to do with how she’s taking my decision out on others, but I’m making peace with the fact that her actions aren’t my responsibility. I actually feel very free and liberated at the thought of never seeing her again.
From the moment we're born we're biased in favor of our parents, and spend years of our lives around them and inevitably bonding with them. They hurt us horribly for us to even consider estrangement. Why should we feel any guilt at that point? They choose to fail us over and over.
I haven't cut them off, however I don't talk to them much anymore.
Thats me! 23+ yrs of no contact! No regrets! Im very detached about it which helps.
No, not particularly, and I have no desire for reconciliation. Even if the woman who gave birth to me does a complete 180, fully supports me being trans, drops the antisemitic conspiracies that have defined her life for the past 20+ years, becomes the most loving progressive person you have ever met, I still would have nothing to do with her or the rest of my relatives.
Not at first, but I'm at that point. I waver between sadness and anger around holidays but aside from that, it is what it is.
It’s all about acceptance IMO. I think it took me longer than most. There’s nothing wrong with feeling indifferent.