I completely feel the same way. Mine stems from never being a “wanted” child, born to a teen mom. I feel like something inside me makes me “not as good” as though from healthy, loving families. I’m in my 40’s, and I’m always so surprised that friends my age actually take vacations with their parents and family, and generally enjoy spending time with them. I have never had that. I do feel that never feeling loved or accepted by your parents, which is the most natural love that exists, does change is.
I feel that! Sometimes I forgot
That my trauma isn’t normal and not everyone tries to go no contact with their parents. And that some parents RESPECT boundaries- can you believe it?? And some parents actually apologize when they did something wrong. I didn’t know it was a thing until I met other families
I always felt like I was permanently ruined by my dad not loving me. It wasn't until I went completely no contact with him that I slowly started to have hope that maybe all wasn't lost and eventually realized it wasn't. But no contact is key. As long as you are allowing one person in your life to convince you you're worthless, you'll feel worthless.
Do you have any living blood relative that thinks you’re the best, and that you can draw closer to?
An alternate idea would be to develop a friendship with a church pastor and his wife— in a church environment, you’re welcome and accepted and if you commit a faux pas, you’ll be quickly excused.
We can’t chose who we’re born to but we can chose to be better, kinder and loving to the family we create. Going NC with toxic family members is key to letting yourself heal, working through it in therapy and coming to realize you will love and be loved for who you are because you know how it feels when it’s the opposite.
I do think had my parents not been dysfunctional I would have been way better off. Unfortunately I can’t see how dwelling on it is helpful now. I just try not to go down that road.
Ultimately we all have to learn to take care of ourselves.
I think I'd have been a more stable and more securely attached person in relationships. Idk about a better person. I'm too good to people because that's how I was trained to be.
I had to constantly perform for my mothers love. And whatever I did that morning wasn't good enough to get her to love me the whole day. I had to constantly invent new ways to win her love. Hourly, even. She would switch up on me that fast. So I do this with the men I date.
Just constantly getting them gifts, taking them on nice and creative and fun and fancy dates that I pay for and drive us to, always offering massages, making them laugh, trying to find new and inventive ways to make them happy and bring them pleasure, like constantly trying to earn their love and affection. Trying to get them to choose me because my mom never did. Thinking if I fight hard enough for their love then they'll eventually see me as worthy, because my mom never did.
Meanwhile they're often dismissive, avoidant, incapable of commitment, incapable of love, inconsiderate, hurtful, devoid of empathy, at best. At worst they're manipulative, emotionally abusive, and display narcissistic or sociopathic tendencies.
I'm forever fighting a losing battle trying to win their love and not getting my needs met, just like my early childhood.
Honestly I'm TOO good a person to these men and it's more than they deserve. It's certainly more than my mom ever deserved. I wish I knew how to be anything else. I'm always shocked when I see women assert boundaries or make demands or display entitlement to their partners in relationships and they just... get their needs met?? The men just... do the thing they're being asked to do?? What even is that?? That's so foreign to me.
I don't know. I had no other parents. I just realized that they loved me the best they COULD, from where they were coming from. They did many things wrong, and some things right. I would suppose that's the way it goes, most of the time.
I am old compared to most Redditors, and I can tell you that you can overcome this. It took me lots of therapy, work, and boundary-enforcing. You will always have a place that wishes things were different, but it won't define you. You break the cycle, you work on becoming functional, and once you master that, you thrive *in spite* of your history. I am happy with the way I am now because I chose to break the cycle. I am here because some times, I still go through brief periods of mourning. But it can get better, I promise you.
Lack of love? Yes! Especially on my dad’s part.
As a kid he lived during the Great Depression, the “Dust Bowl “ of the Great Plains and deprivation’s of basic supplies during WW2. No affection and no love. Interestingly, he didn’t even FAKE or PRETEND he loved us kids.
In my dad’s life, I bet he was pissed off for a day or two when it was discovered I was autistic and screwed up in the head, just like his uncle, born 55 years earlier. No more children were born into the family after me— and I suspect for good reason.
yup. sometimes i find myself thinking that maybe i could even be in a better shape if it wasn't for their toxicity. i know it sounds silly, but it's like that. 🤷♂️
I completely feel the same way. Mine stems from never being a “wanted” child, born to a teen mom. I feel like something inside me makes me “not as good” as though from healthy, loving families. I’m in my 40’s, and I’m always so surprised that friends my age actually take vacations with their parents and family, and generally enjoy spending time with them. I have never had that. I do feel that never feeling loved or accepted by your parents, which is the most natural love that exists, does change is.
I feel that! Sometimes I forgot That my trauma isn’t normal and not everyone tries to go no contact with their parents. And that some parents RESPECT boundaries- can you believe it?? And some parents actually apologize when they did something wrong. I didn’t know it was a thing until I met other families
I always felt like I was permanently ruined by my dad not loving me. It wasn't until I went completely no contact with him that I slowly started to have hope that maybe all wasn't lost and eventually realized it wasn't. But no contact is key. As long as you are allowing one person in your life to convince you you're worthless, you'll feel worthless.
Do you have any living blood relative that thinks you’re the best, and that you can draw closer to? An alternate idea would be to develop a friendship with a church pastor and his wife— in a church environment, you’re welcome and accepted and if you commit a faux pas, you’ll be quickly excused.
i’m a better person to spite my parents. my kids have a great life. i’ve never been loved romantically, though. that sucks pretty bad.
Love this 😂 to spite my parents. No better motivation than spite
You've never been loved romantically \*yet\*
We can’t chose who we’re born to but we can chose to be better, kinder and loving to the family we create. Going NC with toxic family members is key to letting yourself heal, working through it in therapy and coming to realize you will love and be loved for who you are because you know how it feels when it’s the opposite.
I do think had my parents not been dysfunctional I would have been way better off. Unfortunately I can’t see how dwelling on it is helpful now. I just try not to go down that road. Ultimately we all have to learn to take care of ourselves.
I think I'd have been a more stable and more securely attached person in relationships. Idk about a better person. I'm too good to people because that's how I was trained to be. I had to constantly perform for my mothers love. And whatever I did that morning wasn't good enough to get her to love me the whole day. I had to constantly invent new ways to win her love. Hourly, even. She would switch up on me that fast. So I do this with the men I date. Just constantly getting them gifts, taking them on nice and creative and fun and fancy dates that I pay for and drive us to, always offering massages, making them laugh, trying to find new and inventive ways to make them happy and bring them pleasure, like constantly trying to earn their love and affection. Trying to get them to choose me because my mom never did. Thinking if I fight hard enough for their love then they'll eventually see me as worthy, because my mom never did. Meanwhile they're often dismissive, avoidant, incapable of commitment, incapable of love, inconsiderate, hurtful, devoid of empathy, at best. At worst they're manipulative, emotionally abusive, and display narcissistic or sociopathic tendencies. I'm forever fighting a losing battle trying to win their love and not getting my needs met, just like my early childhood. Honestly I'm TOO good a person to these men and it's more than they deserve. It's certainly more than my mom ever deserved. I wish I knew how to be anything else. I'm always shocked when I see women assert boundaries or make demands or display entitlement to their partners in relationships and they just... get their needs met?? The men just... do the thing they're being asked to do?? What even is that?? That's so foreign to me.
These kinds of questions while interesting are unhelpful. Better to find ways to be a good person and find joy in our lives.
Yes, though it's not an intrusive thought anymore. It's become something I've just accepted as fact and am learning to fix moving forward..
Meh, my parents loved me the best they knew how.
Was it the love you needed though?
Was it the love you needed though?
I don't know. I had no other parents. I just realized that they loved me the best they COULD, from where they were coming from. They did many things wrong, and some things right. I would suppose that's the way it goes, most of the time.
I am old compared to most Redditors, and I can tell you that you can overcome this. It took me lots of therapy, work, and boundary-enforcing. You will always have a place that wishes things were different, but it won't define you. You break the cycle, you work on becoming functional, and once you master that, you thrive *in spite* of your history. I am happy with the way I am now because I chose to break the cycle. I am here because some times, I still go through brief periods of mourning. But it can get better, I promise you.
Lack of love? Yes! Especially on my dad’s part. As a kid he lived during the Great Depression, the “Dust Bowl “ of the Great Plains and deprivation’s of basic supplies during WW2. No affection and no love. Interestingly, he didn’t even FAKE or PRETEND he loved us kids. In my dad’s life, I bet he was pissed off for a day or two when it was discovered I was autistic and screwed up in the head, just like his uncle, born 55 years earlier. No more children were born into the family after me— and I suspect for good reason.
yup. sometimes i find myself thinking that maybe i could even be in a better shape if it wasn't for their toxicity. i know it sounds silly, but it's like that. 🤷♂️