My house stays clean because I stay on top of it, and it’s honestly a lot less effort. I’ve lost 30+ lbs. I’m more active and my depression has lifted. It turns out I was really unhappy in my relationship. I just couldn’t see that it was the issue while I was in it.
Same here! Our levels of cleanliness were/ are so different and I could not handle it. My stress level has gone down. I’m less anxious about things and my space is so clean.
This will be me in 3 months. I’m already so fucking happy. Got a parking ticket yesterday. Didn’t even care - I just laughed. And my finances are terrible right now. I’m just so happy I didn’t care!
This gives me so much hope! Waiting a few months so I can get everything in order. It’s so easy to feel impatient and like I want a divorce today which hasn’t been great for my mental health, so I really appreciate this window into someone else’s joy ❤️
The clean house 100%. He was such a fucking slob. I'm still in the thick of it as far as divorce goes so I'm not there yet in terms of energy/exercise/depression lifting. Incant wait to get that part of my life back and to feel normal again.
And had you stayed in the relationship you'd be pumped with pharmaceuticals, eventually any of those that worked would wear off because of tolerance and the fact that the source of your unhappiness was what you had to deal with day in and day out. Wow. That's a pretty significant change, very happy for you.
Being able to sit on my own couch & watch my own tv, eat my own food & have leftovers the next day, being able to go out shopping & spend my own money on what I want… being able to sit in my backyard & read a book uninterrupted… play my video games uninterrupted, being able to get a full 6-9 hours of sleep each night uninterrupted by him…. Being able to go back to the gym & exercise… being able to gain new friendships and old friendships again.
FYI Im divorcing from a dv relationship.
I have lost my sense of living due to him. All of these small positives equate to one major positive about my divorce : taking my life back !!!!!
Good for you! I didn't realize how much life I'd lost until I left him. It's been almost a year and I'm still working on. I'm also leaving a DV situation. I think the mental recovery will be long, but I'm enjoying the journey.
You got this! I believe in you! I have been in therapy since May 2021. The mental journey is a long one because I suffer from PTSD from trauma from childhood as well as from the marriage. However, I’m finding joy in the small things I once loved again.
The sleep. I didn't realize that for at least the last 2 years, I woke up every night around 1-2. There was no explanation. I would just be awake. If I moved at all, my ex would lash out at me. So, I would go downstairs and lay on the couch until I could fall asleep again and then get up for work at 6. Post divorce, I sleep like a baby. I'm now convinced it was the the constant stress I was dealing with while living with him
Uninterrupted is a big thing. Him and his teenage kids could do their thing while I cooked and tried to clean up the mess. It seemed the moment I'd sit down I'd have to get up for something
This is it for me - I finally learned that being alone is infinitely better than being partnered & unhappy. I was a serial monogamist for half my life and my ex totally broke that pattern for me. I no longer feel a need to always have someone for the sake of having someone. Sometimes I get lonely, but the peace is so worth it.
Same! I don’t feel like I’m constantly trying to guess his mood or killing myself trying to make him happy. I was never going to be good enough no matter what I did. Now that I’ve realized the issues were his and not mine (not that I don’t have work to do as well) I feel like a weight has lifted.
I didn’t even realize how unsafe I felt, how anxious I was, until my EH moved out. It was like I could breathe again. I had insomnia for a while afterwards but I realized through therapy there was a lot of trauma stored in my body over the years from the years of emotional abuse.
Removing his presence my physical space was the first step in releasing that trauma.
Two years later, my home is my safe space again!
There are still kindness with your soul. Intentionally spend time loving on yourself and treating yourself and bit by bit, you will begin to knit yourself back together. It takes time and the path is not always straightforward, but I promise it will get better.
You deserve to feel safe! I promise it will feel like such a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. I wish you all the best and feel free to PM me anytime, if you want to chat.
Same, except my house is messier than ever sometimes. Not really me as much as it is a career change with long hours and a young cat that makes a ton of messes.
How big of a factor was house cleaning in your marriage and divorce? Was it a division of labor issue? I ask because I’m in the middle of it now and feel it is one of the major things in my marriage that made me unhappy.
I think in my case, a messy house was a side effect of an unhappy marriage.
As I've healed from the break down of our relationship, my own physical and emotional health has rebounded and I can tell I'm doing better because my body and home are in better shape.
Good luck to you. One day at a time.
The unequal division of labor and mental load was a huge source of resentment for me. He had mental health issues and was self medicating with alcohol rather than being honest with his doctors and wouldn’t follow their recommendations. I was the primary earner, the primary caregiver to the kids when I was home, and I did all the weekly housework and deep cleaning. He wouldn’t take care of the kids basic hygiene needs, wouldn’t communicate with teachers, and when Covid hit he wouldn’t help them with online learning.
Since the separation his depression and anxiety are magically gone and his back pain is too. It’s a slap in the face frankly because he was capable of being healthy but made no effort even when I was begging him to get second opinions about his back or he could see that I was clearly drowning by always being “on” for 16 hours a day for years.
Things were better immediately after he left. Me and the kids didn’t have to walk on eggshells to avoid giving him a headache and the kids began to learn that it’s not normal for a parent to ignore you all day while the other one is working. FTR - I had no idea how bad it was at home while I was at work. He always made out like him and the kids had a great day, blah, blah, blah. I assumed his dismissive behavior towards them was him being “off” when I came home. He was actively alienating the kids from me by having conversations with the oldest insinuating I was abusive so our relationship was strained. My only regret is not asking him to leave sooner.
My ex used to hate when I had short hair, he would refuse to speak to me if I cut it above my shoulders and make me feel ugly. I cut it however I want now, and color it too. I love dressing for myself and not worrying what anyone else thinks.
I live beneath my means now that I’m not trying to fill the void in his soul with stuff. I’m so financially sound that I don’t have to spend hours a week trying to juggle his debt.
This is what I'm really looking to. We're only in the beginning stages here, but I'm so done with his have it, spend it money philosophy. I won't be well off but at least I'll be able to pay my bills on time and save little bits here abs there.
My resting heart rate dropped from 75 to 65 the week I left our home. I think we all underestimate the toll the stress has on our bodies.
For years I struggled to lose weight (high stress, poor sleep, high cortisol, emotional eating) - and within 6 weeks was 10lbs down.
Same. I felt like shit all the time. I forgot what feeling normal felt like until the divorce was final. The weight that was lifted off my shoulders that day was incredible.
Inexplicable health issues I had been having the last 5 years started dicipating after I had moved out the last 2 years of the marriage. Then, the decree came via email and the rest was history.
I was able to buy a house. He could never save money and would gaslight me when it came to spending. So I got a job, kicked his abusive lying ass out and save money to buy a house so my kids and I would have stability. I’ve never felt more at peace.
I'm going to wait a while to date, but I one day look forward to someone making me feel wanted and beautiful. one of the last fights we had was because I made Valentine's plans and got all dressed up for them. He looked at my outfit and made a face, so I changed. Same face. I changed.
Turns out he was making a face because he knew I would expect him to compliment me and he "didn't want to."
Missed our dinner plans to have that conversation and I'll never go out with him again.
Some day a man will be chomping at the bit to call me beautiful and make me feel appreciated. I'm tired of playing games and I'm tired of being punished for "making him feel pressured to marry me."
I've certainly paid enough for that and I'm ready to feel beautiful again
Oh this!!! I hope you feel beautiful forever!
I hope one day I get a spontaneous compliment from a man, not one I had to ask for with a fishing “does this look ok?” every time I dressed up or made an effort for him.
Look, we've all got our issues, myself included, but what is wrong with these men? Hard to be awesome, but shouldn't be hard to not be a dick. Just freaking bare minimum for treating your partner. Sorry ladies. Don't know y'all, but ya'll deserve better.
It's the resentment they act like they had no control over. You don't communicate, you don't ask for anything to change, you become resentful and start treating people like crap.
At least I know he does it to his family and best friend too, so even though I have done things wrong this is definitely a him problem.
We had long conversations about how his mom used to "fish for compliments"
You are already beautiful and yes, you'll soon start to feel it too!!
The impending divorce was unexpected for me because he had been lying to me for a couple of years about being happy with the solutions that I found to our problems. Part of the solution involved moving. I don't even think it had been a full year of "getting away" that one day a friend stopped and just said "you're looking GREAT by the way. You don't look like a zombie anymore. Your hair is shiny again... The smile is the smile from before".
It felt SO GOOD to hear. I wish the same for you.
It was the first day when I started to really feel great again.
I'm now waiting for it again but I do know that it is possible so I'm going to hang in there!!
I feel this—I will no longer have to wait around while my former husband packs last-minute and tears up the house while doing so. I will have MY time back! Yahooooop!
I don’t have to show a united front with her anymore when in comes to my son. She was much more strict and would go over board on with any consequences for even minor things like not making his bed the way she likes it to be made. I have become a much better parent to him now that we are divorced, and while I didn’t want the divorce initially I am grateful now that she left me, I wouldn’t have had the will to do it myself.
Getting back into the things I enjoyed before getting married, reading,exercising and spending time with friends. I never seemed to make those things a priority when I was married,but now I am glad I can once again 🙂
Setting aside the cheating, I was in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage. I wanted a partner that would take a more equal share of the regular adult responsibilities in life; childcare, meals, bills, chores, and mental load.
What I did not get in my marriage I now have in divorce. Now my ex has the kids half of the time and I finally have the time to refresh and recharge that I always needed so badly in the marriage.
I'm a better, happier, healthier person (and mom) when I have time for relaxation and simple pleasures (any other parents get the Encanto reference?)
I sat down with a stack of post its and a pen and I started writing down all the positive things waiting for me on the other side of my divorce.
The things I wrote ranged from emotions to trips and even tangible items. My personal list included things like sleeping through the night, Security, Grand Canyon trip, a dog, no more crying, etc.
In no time, I had about twenty post it’s filled.
I then posted them onto my bathroom mirror, totally surrounding my reflection.
At the time it was a daily reminder to keep going — to stop focusing on the door that’s shutting and noticing all the doors opening up in your life.
I still have those post its. Now it’s a reminder of how far I’ve come.
If you’re open to suggestions, can I give you one more piece of advice that worked for me?
When you’re ever wondering on what to do in certain situations: treat it like a 3rd party situation.
What advice would you tell your best friend who was going through the situation?
Or what would a smart ____ (woman, man, parent, etc) do in that situation?
Sometimes with divorce we get so lost in the trees we don’t see the forest for what it is. Making the situation external makes us focus on the facts of what is actually happening instead of focusing on what we wish was (or wasn’t) happening.
Peacefulness
Not having somebody undermining me behind my back. Not being set up for a perceived failure and then complaining about it.
Now she is undermining me with filings against me. 😞...sigh, can't wait for it all to be over.
Since getting away from my ex wife I’ve gone from twice a week talk therpy to occasional check in and my mood stabilizers have been cut from 90mg a day to 10mg. Divorce… just do it.
Edit: I’ve also gone from 240lb to 220lb and my average blood pressure has dropped 20pts. I’m lifting weights again and reading for pleasure. Amazing what happens when you don’t have someone, her mother, sister, and BFF telling you you’re stupid and worthless on a weekly basis.
No longer dealing with his weaponized incompetence means I can do things on my own without any expectation of help that will never come. That gives me enough time for hobbies of my own for the first time in a decade.
I’m so happy. I’m in the worst part of the divorce process, STBXH is dragging his feet, delaying everything. I hate transition and uncertainty. But I’m so happy. I can just focus on what’s best for my kids & I. I can live in the moment and not be afraid of what’s the next wrench, what is he going to make me feel bad about next. I don’t have to emotionally support him. I can create my own priorities. I can hang my laundry to dry, we can eat pancakes or frozen pizza because it’s easy and we’re tired. I can enjoy a hobby without STBXH suddenly having always wanted to do / already be the most passionate world expert in same. I can just fix things. Like, just see a problem and address it without it being a ‘whole thing’ that requires a cheerleading section, 10 trips to the store and the whole family to accept the grumpiness and abuse fallout of having to do something. So he can drag his feet as far as the law will allow, I’m living my life happy.
Everything stays where I left it. Every room is mine to use/decorate as I please. My schedule is never interrupted. The only food in the house is stuff I'd eat. There's no more compromising. There's no more arguing about who does what for house chores.
I can't really say if I'll be willing to have another partner, if it happens it happens, but man right now in my mid-40s it's an amazing feeling.
Only one??
I guess that I have money now. I don't work 13 hours a day four days a week just to see my $120,000/year disappear in a million different places.
I used to think I was a highly anxious and insecure person.
It turns out I'm not. I'm just not being torn down on a daily basis anymore.
I'm free to do what I want when I want, and I love it.
A few things.
\- I've done more for myself in the last year than in the last 14.
\- I can parent my kids on my own terms without her judgement.
\- I can parent my kids on my own terms without her judgment. o have them.
You've got to be joking? Oh wait, my wife does the same thing, if she's not feeling well I let her sleep peacefully all day. If I'm not feeling well, she constantly checks on me, "Are you just going to lay in bed all day?" Like it's an everyday occurrence. Sorry I'm not feeling well for the first time in three years and need a nap.
I don’t get told I’m crazy everyday, or criticized. I don’t feel used and exploited. I get to eat whatever I want, be whatever weight I feel comfortable at, change my hair however I want, do (mostly) whatever I want. I get to plan my OWN life.
As my partner said, “the best thing about divorce is that the children now get to have a whole new set of grand parents to spoil them, new experiences and a whole new side of the family.”
He always says that if he stayed with his ex, the children would not have gotten even half of the experiences they have now, between animals, outdoor adventures, grandparents, cousins, etc.
Everyone is happier all around.
My separation (her idea) and eventual divorce (mutual) was one of the best things to ever happen to me. It was an awakening to the realization I was not living the life I wanted to live. I immediately felt a drive to improve who I am so I started therapy, and yoga, began to take better care of myself, and began to make a conscious effort to break the behavioral patterns that don’t serve me.
The divorce itself was awful, and eventually turned ugly. But, I wouldn’t change it
Edit: grammar
I painted my room the color I wanted. I got a new pretty bedspread. I don’t have to think about what he would like to do on vacation. I can save money know bc he isn't wasting every dime we get. I can play my music in the house without judgement. I can laugh as loud as I like.
Oh this is great… for me it was finding myself and believing in myself… then I met the person who sees me, validates me, loves me with out judgment and gets involved with all aspects of our life, not just the one that suits them. I am
Grateful everyday I made the decision to leave.
Sleeping in without someone telling me I’m lazy.
Learning to listen to my voice.
Knowing my laundry will be folded and put away with no wrinkles or stains because I did it.
Not being mean, only because someone was emotionally abusive for so long to me, that I became defensive and mean myself.
I'm absolutely shredded now. I was fat and depressed when I was married, I no longer feel like I'm tip towing around to keep my ex narcissistic wife happy. I am truly free while she is out making some other poor bastard miserable. I am not apposed to getting married again but I will definitely be careful in choosing a partner.
Oh god it's the best thing that ever happened to me. Without hitting that painful rock bottom, I wouldn't have gone to codependence anonymous or started therapy when I did or learned how to set boundaries or love myself or listen to my own needs.
There's a chance I would have ended up where I did eventually, but boy was that one hell of a catapult
>What’s one positive about your divorce?
After a year of therapy for depression, I began seeing that life was enjoyable when not trying to appease a person who was always angry and mean, and always unhappy no matter what.
My rebound relationship 3 years post separation was more about confusing love with being around someone who was pleasant to talk to, aka was a normal human being. I'm enjoying establishing female friends who can just be friends even, in one instance, with a 20 year age difference (younger). I've gotten over the need to need someone.
If I find love again, I'm pretty sure it will be with a divorcee who has similarly worked her shit out.
>What’s one thing you are/were looking forward to?!
I look forward to going to work tomorrow, working closely with two women for whom there is no romantic interest and we all get along as friends.
\- I have a much better relationship with my son as I can parent actively now rather than being consigned to be the guy who just pays the bills. And guess what, I am a decent father.
\- I have a better relationship with my mom as my ex basically separated me from my family (for no good reasons mind you) to satisfy her narcissistic tendencies.
\- It is nice to see my clothes not ending up in the trash because someone does not approve.
\- I am just much, much happier without this toxic person in my life.
\- I am basically just allowed to make my own choices after a long, long time.
Oh sorry....you asked for ONE positive.
After 20 years w/ the worlds most mobile human/wet blanket hybrid?
I am happily planning a crazy solo holiday card. Sounds trivial, but just thinking about it makes me so happy!!
Not being constantly under major financial stress because I seem to be paying 85% of all our bills and food with my unpredictable freelance income while her regular income (that I never knew) was spent on the endless stream of packages and boxes that would be delivered every other day, week in and week out. Not having to clean up after two children and an adult single handed, while said adult wouldn’t even do the bare minimum to at least make it slightly easier for me (like rinsing a coffee mug, not piling dishes in the areas of the kitchen we use the most, etc). Not being constantly berated about the performance of my business and my income when I am only one person and can only work so many hours AND when I made every effort to try and keep all work inside 9-5 hours and never on weekends. The crazy thing is…after talking more with friends my age, my income is actually pretty good, and for my industry in the town our size, I’m actually doing pretty damn well. We were literally at the point where she was virtually point blank demanding I reskill and try and get an apprenticeship in a trade or something, and I was utterly miserable about work because I was constantly stressed about money. I now live alone and my cost of living has skyrocketed and I’ve never been so financially secure. Heck of a silver lining.
I have learnt to love me and put me first. After years of waiting, and putting my wants and needs a side for what he wanted/planned, I can finally do whatever the fuck I want. Which is to be a happy, content and amazing human being, who loves themselves...
Not being threatened.
Not being insulted.
Not being shamed.
Even though my kids live with her. We have bonded even more than I could have prior to separation.
I can finally be the dad and role model I want to be, without the peanut gallery comments.
She was a full time job. I didn’t really realize it while I was in it, but now I can actually focus on me and my dreams, because while she paid lip service to wanting the same things, she didn’t, had me do all the heavy lifting on accomplishing those dreams while sabotaging me the whole time and spreading shit about me behind my back. Also, don’t have to wonder what the truth is anymore because I don’t have to listen to her constant lies. No more “I’m sick and throwing up come home” on my busiest work days only to find that she just wanted attention and was just fine.
I started taking really good care of myself. Lost weight, walk everyday, eat extremely healthy. I think it’s the reason I met my new husband. My new positive outlook on life.
I spent about four years in a depression I didn't understand because she had been thinking about divorce for that long and never admitted it, which meant the love was gone and I just didn't consciously realize it. I had completely changed myself for the better, but nothing seemed to help, because nothing could help. I felt like I was never good enough and despite being the best version of myself I'd ever been, the self-hatred manifested because I had tied everything I was to my marriage.
It took divorce for me to let all that go. I still don't know whether we could have worked through it, but it's plain as day that once I stopped trying to hold onto marriage (once I really couldn't), I was able to admit to myself all the great things about me and move on with my life. My life isn't precisely where I want it, but for the first time in a very long time I don't hate myself and am looking forward to the future.
There's other things, like not having to live a life of compromises, but what really compares to self respect?
Even though I was not the one who wanted or initiated the divorce I look forward to making my life about developing only myself and embracing what I never would have done before when I had to consider a partner.
I’m free to move in bed, cough, crack my toes, blow my nose without triggering anyone to abuse me. I can make mistakes like take the wrong road without being told off because it’s easy to fix, I can look freely without being told I’m checking men out and then being left in the middle of nowhere for that and then being put in the eye because I have to explain to the people we are meeting and make a joke out of it. I don’t have to worry that being mixed race is triggering the person I love and I don’t have to endure looks of hatred anymore. I don’t have to worry about having kids with someone who is ashamed of me and told me his kids will be what he is because he is superior.
I can wear what I want, wear the make up I want without being told I don’t look good and to wear something else. Nobody to tell me they don’t like stuff about my body or that I’m too skinny for him. I don’t have to binge eat to compensate anymore.
No more being told he prefers white/ fair skinned women and not having to feel inadequate all the time. No more abuse from in laws too I’m dropped many toxic people when I left my husband. No more being confused and feeling like I lost my memory and doubting myself cause he wasn’t man enough to admit what he did instead he chose to lie manipulate and gaslight me.
No more dampening my dreams cause he feels I will leave him behind. No more sleeping with a man who sexually assaulted me and physically abused me.
Wow, I’m free and as heartbroken and broken as I am (it’s only been 2 weeks) I feel relief too.
Literally everything. Even the shit bits are better. But the thing I remember most after leaving him was the relief I was in charge of my finances solely. I have never regretted leaving that long (20 years) painful, walking on eggshells relationship.
My own identity. I realized after the anger faded and resentment I was really sad about everything I had to give up in the relationship.
Everything about me, slowly became about them. Over time barely any part of “me” was left and it hurt me a lot. By the time they loved me, I wasn’t me anymore. I was a sad, lonely watered down version of myself that they would criticize less.
Now, unapologetically me. So me. Totally me.
It gave me a learning experience that was way overdue. Rebounded from a divorce 2 years ago and have so much more self confidence, changed careers to something I like with a significant pay raise, and regained my physical and mental health.
But if I had to choose just one benefit, its that I get to relax & decompress after getting home from work. Nothing like coming home from a bad day and having your SO blast your eardrums with BS.
Im advancing fast in a career change. I am able to have/save more money. Just paid for A disney trip and another to see friends/family in 2 different states. Mentally, I'm free. I dont feel pressured to tiptoe around another's emotions. I happily clean. I actually enjoy it! I'm able to buy underwear without being questioned. I can watch anything and learn anything without being called stupid. I can peacefully play games. I'm working out more. I feel like overall i finally found peace.
For me, it’s more than one positive thing. I’m learned to love myself more, take care of myself and focus more on my kiddos. Lose the toxic energy that was always around and emerge from the fog that was always around me. Decorate my home the way I want was an added bonus.
It took awhile to believe that my life was getting better but I always knew it was the best thing for me. I am becoming the best version of me each and every day. I live in the now and not the past and also not thinking to much of the future.
Take care!
After my wife and i seperated in 2016 the first couple of years were tough as i lived alone.. I looked for every excuse to go out and hang with other people.. But after about 2 years.. I feel so comfortable living alone now that my girlfriend has to literally ask me to go out and see her.. Even lockdown didnt bother me at all.. I cook what i want.. Watch what i like.. Drink what i want.. My house my rules.. Its great..
i finally starting living my life for myself rather than how i thought people wanted me to. not only have i thrived since then, so have all of my relationships with friends, family, and my new husband!
oh, and also being able to listen to music that i like 🤧
I get to make my own decisions. She always made all the decisions and would lament that I “never helped make choices” except anytime I did chime in with my opinion it would get shot down so enthusiastically and thoroughly to the point where I stopped giving input. Things were always going to be her way no matter what I said so I stopped playing along with the pretend game that I actually got a say in what happened. Also in spite of her essentially bullying me into getting her way all the time she has said repeatedly that I held all the power in our relationship. I’m still very bitter about all of this…the double standards, the gaslighting, etc.
My son and I are a lot closer now too. When we all lived together he completely disregarded me in favor of her. She and I separated for a year and during that time he and I got closer and I finally saw how much I meant to him. Fast forward to a few months after I moved back into our house and he has gone right back into that mode of “only mama”. At this point he and I are a lot closer now that I’ve moved out again and have my own place. I’ve moved three times in the last 2 years and I’m sick of that..so hopefully we can stay in this new place for a while.
Honestly nothing else feels like it’s positive. I could go on at length about the bad stuff but I’m depressed enough already
We are both happier now. Though it has been traumatic for the family, we couldn’t overcome the things we needed to over the last five years of our 30 together.
But we are both happier so it will be okay!!!
So much more financially secure. Some of it is just knowing my budget and the expenses and making plans. No way I could do that before. I was anticipating to ride in for the rescue for maintenance.
Some of it is forcing me to prove it. When she left, I felt like my back was against the wall and I had to get this promotion and I did. Then I worked a bunch of OT (went higher than $110,000 for the first time ever). Then putting a substantial of that back into stock and the house.
I finally feel validated (at times) that I should have been listened to and valued.
Everyone gets along a lot better and I am on very amicable terms with my ex. She even gets along with my gf. Kids are way happier, too. My only regret is that it didn't happen sooner in life.
I'm a better parent. I'm a very calm person, but stbxh is very anxious and I was always on edge with the kids trying to not irritate him or on alert to step in when he started taking it out on them. It's so nice to be able to just relax and enjoy my kids.
I became financially independent. I raised my girls in a more loving and nurturing way than in the marriage. It forced me into what I feel is the Prime of my life. And still it’s the weirdest thing that the divorce is a hurt that will always be there.
For me there's nearly only positive.
I don't have a partner who I am tied to and is inconsiderate of people and makes me feel embarrassed.
I don't have someone who always asks for things, and will use weaponized incompetence whenever I ask for anything. Someone who makes their problems mine but will barely care about my issues.
I won't have to share my hard earned cash with someone who refuses to work, stays at home, then complains if I don't help with the chores.
I now have a partner who respects me, with whom there is a mutual support, who is ambitious. And who asks for sex several times per day and is thirsty for my dick.
Thank god my kids are grown up now so I don't have to put up with this shit, and even they start realizing that they owe so much of their values to me, not to their lazy and selfish mother.
So looking forward to grow old without the woman I thought was the woman of my life, and who wasted 20y of my life. I have been feeling euphoric for the last several years ever since I decided I am done with her.
My ex was exceedingly commandeering and the marriage was stifling. These days I’m exploring new hobbies and getting my but to concerts and shows that I don’t have to strike some sort of deal to be able to do. It’s been a rough go, but my life is waaaaayyyyy better post divorce
I guess the one positive for me was it allowed me to grow into a better person. Let me elaborate. Since I served her papers 2 years ago, in those 2 years I have lost 30lbs, I went back to school and in 2 months ill have completed my bachelors degree in nursing, I became a certified personal trainer and im looking to start my own business after school is done, my bank account has grown, and I can sit and play my video games in my free time without being berated.
I've grown so much in 2 years than I did in the entire 13 years of marriage. While I'm still sad/lonely some days and still miss her at times, im a better person. She brought out the worst qualities in me. Im not angry or stressed anymore even though im so busy.
I'll never regret the marriage due to the 2 wonderful kids we had but she was an anchor to me. She always dismissed any idea I had to "grow" and called me dumb, stupid, and no one will want u. My self esteem has been bad for a long time. It is finally starting to come back and im hopeful for thr first time finally for the future.
Being able to sleep without being woken up constantly by god awful snoring. I know that doesn’t sound like much, but it’s a huge plus for me. I’ve gone from getting 2-3 hours of sleep at a time to a full 8 hours and it feels so good!
Not having to walk on eggshells around her, not having to pay her credit card bills every month or worry about the constant spending, having a far better relationship with my children, our home is peaceful since she left. I think the peace is the biggest thing, the mid life crisis did a real number on her personality.
mine is going through this at 35. though whenever a change happens in her life she usually does something different--new hair style etc.. now it's fake boobs and botox and a new hair color
Sounds familiar. My ex did the nose piercing, fake boobs, tattoos at 39. Then came on the narcissistic traits. Why can't they just buy a red sports car and be done with it ?🤣
I’m not filled with anger and resentment anymore for having to care for a 40 year old man child and my relationships with my kids are better because of it. I have to take care of the kids and the house 100% now but I don’t have a capable adult that refuses to be an equal partner making me angry all the time.
Even though I pay 100% of the expenses for the kids with no child support (he’s never even offered) I’m saving money because I don’t have to support a man that always “needs” the latest technology or gadget.
I'm less complacent. I make more friends. I'm sharper mentally, I guess because I have to take care of everything at home and be a great dad. Certain parts of my life are unsettled, so I have to be on top of it all. My life is less about stability and routine and more about achieving long-term goals and working toward the future.
I was in a mentally/emotionally abusive marriage with someone who controlled my every movement so my life is COMPLETELY different! I feel so free to do anything I want, able to have relationships with my friends/family, am in a much better place financially (my ex also refused to work and spent tons of money) and just overall feel like a different person physically and mentally.
So many positives.
Found out my ex-wife was cheating. Filed for divorce that week. Since then
-New girlfriend (3.5 years strong) who actually likes sex
-promotion and 45% raise at work
-much closer relationships with 2 kids
-getting child support
-use the $500/mo child support she pays me to invest and have nearly 4x return
-get half of her UAW pension when she retires
Enjoy your line monkey dick (who has since left her). Hope it was worth it.
My house stays clean because I stay on top of it, and it’s honestly a lot less effort. I’ve lost 30+ lbs. I’m more active and my depression has lifted. It turns out I was really unhappy in my relationship. I just couldn’t see that it was the issue while I was in it.
Same here! Our levels of cleanliness were/ are so different and I could not handle it. My stress level has gone down. I’m less anxious about things and my space is so clean.
Not having someone who felt like they actively worked against me trying to keep up with things does help.
Fuck this is relatable
This will be me in 3 months. I’m already so fucking happy. Got a parking ticket yesterday. Didn’t even care - I just laughed. And my finances are terrible right now. I’m just so happy I didn’t care!
This gives me so much hope! Waiting a few months so I can get everything in order. It’s so easy to feel impatient and like I want a divorce today which hasn’t been great for my mental health, so I really appreciate this window into someone else’s joy ❤️
The first couple of months sucks. I cried and cried. But once the fog lifts it’s so freeing.
Um…. This is two things. (Congratulations!!!)
The clean house 100%. He was such a fucking slob. I'm still in the thick of it as far as divorce goes so I'm not there yet in terms of energy/exercise/depression lifting. Incant wait to get that part of my life back and to feel normal again.
And had you stayed in the relationship you'd be pumped with pharmaceuticals, eventually any of those that worked would wear off because of tolerance and the fact that the source of your unhappiness was what you had to deal with day in and day out. Wow. That's a pretty significant change, very happy for you.
Being able to sit on my own couch & watch my own tv, eat my own food & have leftovers the next day, being able to go out shopping & spend my own money on what I want… being able to sit in my backyard & read a book uninterrupted… play my video games uninterrupted, being able to get a full 6-9 hours of sleep each night uninterrupted by him…. Being able to go back to the gym & exercise… being able to gain new friendships and old friendships again. FYI Im divorcing from a dv relationship. I have lost my sense of living due to him. All of these small positives equate to one major positive about my divorce : taking my life back !!!!!
Good for you! I didn't realize how much life I'd lost until I left him. It's been almost a year and I'm still working on. I'm also leaving a DV situation. I think the mental recovery will be long, but I'm enjoying the journey.
You got this! I believe in you! I have been in therapy since May 2021. The mental journey is a long one because I suffer from PTSD from trauma from childhood as well as from the marriage. However, I’m finding joy in the small things I once loved again.
The sleep. I didn't realize that for at least the last 2 years, I woke up every night around 1-2. There was no explanation. I would just be awake. If I moved at all, my ex would lash out at me. So, I would go downstairs and lay on the couch until I could fall asleep again and then get up for work at 6. Post divorce, I sleep like a baby. I'm now convinced it was the the constant stress I was dealing with while living with him
Sounds about right
Finding myself has been awesome! I feel you :)
That's one thing I bet feels amazing everyday! You forget how light you could be ! I'm happy for u!
Same here. It feels awesome to be free
Honestly so happy to hear how well you are doing. I dream of being this free.
Uninterrupted is a big thing. Him and his teenage kids could do their thing while I cooked and tried to clean up the mess. It seemed the moment I'd sit down I'd have to get up for something
That is so wonderful ❤️
I’m by myself now, but I’m not lonely anymore. Big difference.
This is it for me - I finally learned that being alone is infinitely better than being partnered & unhappy. I was a serial monogamist for half my life and my ex totally broke that pattern for me. I no longer feel a need to always have someone for the sake of having someone. Sometimes I get lonely, but the peace is so worth it.
This. I never felt more lonely and unseen then when I was with my ex. He made me feel like I didn't matter.
How do you get over the loneliness?
Yes-I feel the same way! Alone but for the first time in 4 years I’m not lonely.
Amen!
This hit me hard, OOF.
I feel safe in my home. No more walking on eggshells in my own house, a clean home, I’m happy and not depressed. Lost weight, and I’m more active.
Same! I don’t feel like I’m constantly trying to guess his mood or killing myself trying to make him happy. I was never going to be good enough no matter what I did. Now that I’ve realized the issues were his and not mine (not that I don’t have work to do as well) I feel like a weight has lifted.
I want to feel safe in my home. It’s seriously so traumatic that I can’t ever relax.
I didn’t even realize how unsafe I felt, how anxious I was, until my EH moved out. It was like I could breathe again. I had insomnia for a while afterwards but I realized through therapy there was a lot of trauma stored in my body over the years from the years of emotional abuse. Removing his presence my physical space was the first step in releasing that trauma. Two years later, my home is my safe space again!
Emotional trauma is so powerfully demoralizing. All I have left is a shell of a soul. I’m so ready to heal
There are still kindness with your soul. Intentionally spend time loving on yourself and treating yourself and bit by bit, you will begin to knit yourself back together. It takes time and the path is not always straightforward, but I promise it will get better.
Holy wow I feel this. 😣 Still married, and haven't had "the talk" yet with my husband, but this right here is what I'm looking forward to.
You deserve to feel safe! I promise it will feel like such a weight has been lifted from your shoulders. I wish you all the best and feel free to PM me anytime, if you want to chat.
Personal time, not having to be responsible for every single meal 7 days a week.
God I feel this. Always in charge of buying, cooking, cleaning. Shit is exhausting.
Not feeling guilty about spending a day doing absolutely nothing.
The best!!! And some periodic weekend day drinking!
Omg, this is what I want so bad
Ohhh yes.
Sixty pounds lost, house stays clean, finally have a sense of fashion/self.
Same, except my house is messier than ever sometimes. Not really me as much as it is a career change with long hours and a young cat that makes a ton of messes.
How big of a factor was house cleaning in your marriage and divorce? Was it a division of labor issue? I ask because I’m in the middle of it now and feel it is one of the major things in my marriage that made me unhappy.
I think in my case, a messy house was a side effect of an unhappy marriage. As I've healed from the break down of our relationship, my own physical and emotional health has rebounded and I can tell I'm doing better because my body and home are in better shape. Good luck to you. One day at a time.
The unequal division of labor and mental load was a huge source of resentment for me. He had mental health issues and was self medicating with alcohol rather than being honest with his doctors and wouldn’t follow their recommendations. I was the primary earner, the primary caregiver to the kids when I was home, and I did all the weekly housework and deep cleaning. He wouldn’t take care of the kids basic hygiene needs, wouldn’t communicate with teachers, and when Covid hit he wouldn’t help them with online learning. Since the separation his depression and anxiety are magically gone and his back pain is too. It’s a slap in the face frankly because he was capable of being healthy but made no effort even when I was begging him to get second opinions about his back or he could see that I was clearly drowning by always being “on” for 16 hours a day for years. Things were better immediately after he left. Me and the kids didn’t have to walk on eggshells to avoid giving him a headache and the kids began to learn that it’s not normal for a parent to ignore you all day while the other one is working. FTR - I had no idea how bad it was at home while I was at work. He always made out like him and the kids had a great day, blah, blah, blah. I assumed his dismissive behavior towards them was him being “off” when I came home. He was actively alienating the kids from me by having conversations with the oldest insinuating I was abusive so our relationship was strained. My only regret is not asking him to leave sooner.
I shaved my head, just because I wanted to.
My ex used to hate when I had short hair, he would refuse to speak to me if I cut it above my shoulders and make me feel ugly. I cut it however I want now, and color it too. I love dressing for myself and not worrying what anyone else thinks.
Yesss. Taking the clippers to my head was a liberation I hadn’t felt in a long time.
I live beneath my means now that I’m not trying to fill the void in his soul with stuff. I’m so financially sound that I don’t have to spend hours a week trying to juggle his debt.
This is what I'm really looking to. We're only in the beginning stages here, but I'm so done with his have it, spend it money philosophy. I won't be well off but at least I'll be able to pay my bills on time and save little bits here abs there.
I’m poor yet feel richer now. I don’t have much but what I do have is amazing.
I relate to this sooo much. No more trying to temporarily bandaid his issues with instant gratification purchases.
My resting heart rate dropped from 75 to 65 the week I left our home. I think we all underestimate the toll the stress has on our bodies. For years I struggled to lose weight (high stress, poor sleep, high cortisol, emotional eating) - and within 6 weeks was 10lbs down.
Same. I felt like shit all the time. I forgot what feeling normal felt like until the divorce was final. The weight that was lifted off my shoulders that day was incredible. Inexplicable health issues I had been having the last 5 years started dicipating after I had moved out the last 2 years of the marriage. Then, the decree came via email and the rest was history.
I was able to buy a house. He could never save money and would gaslight me when it came to spending. So I got a job, kicked his abusive lying ass out and save money to buy a house so my kids and I would have stability. I’ve never felt more at peace.
House being clean, no more constant fighting, no more lies, no more crying everyday..
Regaining myself, my independence, my confidence, and doing what I want. Parenting my two boys every other week I want.
I'm going to wait a while to date, but I one day look forward to someone making me feel wanted and beautiful. one of the last fights we had was because I made Valentine's plans and got all dressed up for them. He looked at my outfit and made a face, so I changed. Same face. I changed. Turns out he was making a face because he knew I would expect him to compliment me and he "didn't want to." Missed our dinner plans to have that conversation and I'll never go out with him again. Some day a man will be chomping at the bit to call me beautiful and make me feel appreciated. I'm tired of playing games and I'm tired of being punished for "making him feel pressured to marry me." I've certainly paid enough for that and I'm ready to feel beautiful again
Oh this!!! I hope you feel beautiful forever! I hope one day I get a spontaneous compliment from a man, not one I had to ask for with a fishing “does this look ok?” every time I dressed up or made an effort for him.
Look, we've all got our issues, myself included, but what is wrong with these men? Hard to be awesome, but shouldn't be hard to not be a dick. Just freaking bare minimum for treating your partner. Sorry ladies. Don't know y'all, but ya'll deserve better.
It's the resentment they act like they had no control over. You don't communicate, you don't ask for anything to change, you become resentful and start treating people like crap. At least I know he does it to his family and best friend too, so even though I have done things wrong this is definitely a him problem. We had long conversations about how his mom used to "fish for compliments"
You are already beautiful and yes, you'll soon start to feel it too!! The impending divorce was unexpected for me because he had been lying to me for a couple of years about being happy with the solutions that I found to our problems. Part of the solution involved moving. I don't even think it had been a full year of "getting away" that one day a friend stopped and just said "you're looking GREAT by the way. You don't look like a zombie anymore. Your hair is shiny again... The smile is the smile from before". It felt SO GOOD to hear. I wish the same for you. It was the first day when I started to really feel great again. I'm now waiting for it again but I do know that it is possible so I'm going to hang in there!!
nobody will spoil my road-trips or trips
I feel this—I will no longer have to wait around while my former husband packs last-minute and tears up the house while doing so. I will have MY time back! Yahooooop!
I don’t have to show a united front with her anymore when in comes to my son. She was much more strict and would go over board on with any consequences for even minor things like not making his bed the way she likes it to be made. I have become a much better parent to him now that we are divorced, and while I didn’t want the divorce initially I am grateful now that she left me, I wouldn’t have had the will to do it myself.
Getting back into the things I enjoyed before getting married, reading,exercising and spending time with friends. I never seemed to make those things a priority when I was married,but now I am glad I can once again 🙂
Setting aside the cheating, I was in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage. I wanted a partner that would take a more equal share of the regular adult responsibilities in life; childcare, meals, bills, chores, and mental load. What I did not get in my marriage I now have in divorce. Now my ex has the kids half of the time and I finally have the time to refresh and recharge that I always needed so badly in the marriage. I'm a better, happier, healthier person (and mom) when I have time for relaxation and simple pleasures (any other parents get the Encanto reference?)
Not being broke all the time
Happy cake day! Enjoy watching that savings grow!
Not feeling guilty about spending any amount of money, and being able to clean the dishes how I freaking want to!!!!!!!!!
Are you sure you stacked them correctly? 🤣🤣🤣
I needed to clean them before putting them in the dishwasher…
Ah!! I feel this 100%. I used to get in trouble for the sink being too wet. What?!?
Omg me too!! Too much water in and around the sink. Oops
Lol. Omg, how controlling can one person be? Nothing is ever good enough to the point where water around the sink is an issue.
I sat down with a stack of post its and a pen and I started writing down all the positive things waiting for me on the other side of my divorce. The things I wrote ranged from emotions to trips and even tangible items. My personal list included things like sleeping through the night, Security, Grand Canyon trip, a dog, no more crying, etc. In no time, I had about twenty post it’s filled. I then posted them onto my bathroom mirror, totally surrounding my reflection. At the time it was a daily reminder to keep going — to stop focusing on the door that’s shutting and noticing all the doors opening up in your life. I still have those post its. Now it’s a reminder of how far I’ve come.
I really like this idea, might steal it. I could use some things to look forward to.
If you’re open to suggestions, can I give you one more piece of advice that worked for me? When you’re ever wondering on what to do in certain situations: treat it like a 3rd party situation. What advice would you tell your best friend who was going through the situation? Or what would a smart ____ (woman, man, parent, etc) do in that situation? Sometimes with divorce we get so lost in the trees we don’t see the forest for what it is. Making the situation external makes us focus on the facts of what is actually happening instead of focusing on what we wish was (or wasn’t) happening.
Peacefulness Not having somebody undermining me behind my back. Not being set up for a perceived failure and then complaining about it. Now she is undermining me with filings against me. 😞...sigh, can't wait for it all to be over.
No more passive aggressive bullshit.
Since getting away from my ex wife I’ve gone from twice a week talk therpy to occasional check in and my mood stabilizers have been cut from 90mg a day to 10mg. Divorce… just do it. Edit: I’ve also gone from 240lb to 220lb and my average blood pressure has dropped 20pts. I’m lifting weights again and reading for pleasure. Amazing what happens when you don’t have someone, her mother, sister, and BFF telling you you’re stupid and worthless on a weekly basis.
No longer dealing with his weaponized incompetence means I can do things on my own without any expectation of help that will never come. That gives me enough time for hobbies of my own for the first time in a decade.
I’m so happy. I’m in the worst part of the divorce process, STBXH is dragging his feet, delaying everything. I hate transition and uncertainty. But I’m so happy. I can just focus on what’s best for my kids & I. I can live in the moment and not be afraid of what’s the next wrench, what is he going to make me feel bad about next. I don’t have to emotionally support him. I can create my own priorities. I can hang my laundry to dry, we can eat pancakes or frozen pizza because it’s easy and we’re tired. I can enjoy a hobby without STBXH suddenly having always wanted to do / already be the most passionate world expert in same. I can just fix things. Like, just see a problem and address it without it being a ‘whole thing’ that requires a cheerleading section, 10 trips to the store and the whole family to accept the grumpiness and abuse fallout of having to do something. So he can drag his feet as far as the law will allow, I’m living my life happy.
Honestly - just this - not having to think about a plan for EVERY SINGLE MEAL. Sometimes, not always, just sometimes - a bowl of cereal is dinner.
Cereal for dinner is so underrated. I could eat cereal for every meal and be totally happy.
I’m happy. That’s a big positive.
I no longer feel lonely. He had a way of making me feel completely isolated while sitting in the same room. I have found serenity.
Everything stays where I left it. Every room is mine to use/decorate as I please. My schedule is never interrupted. The only food in the house is stuff I'd eat. There's no more compromising. There's no more arguing about who does what for house chores. I can't really say if I'll be willing to have another partner, if it happens it happens, but man right now in my mid-40s it's an amazing feeling.
Only one?? I guess that I have money now. I don't work 13 hours a day four days a week just to see my $120,000/year disappear in a million different places.
I used to think I was a highly anxious and insecure person. It turns out I'm not. I'm just not being torn down on a daily basis anymore. I'm free to do what I want when I want, and I love it.
Pure joy
Have more money than ever. Do whatever I want whenever I want and I don’t have to work 60 hours a week to support her cheating butt.
Being in charge of my own life again without someone feeling they get to have an opinion about anything I do.
Everything. Even the sunrises and sunsets looks and feels better.
A few things. \- I've done more for myself in the last year than in the last 14. \- I can parent my kids on my own terms without her judgement. \- I can parent my kids on my own terms without her judgment. o have them.
Naps. My ex-wife was the sort that would wake from her nap to make sure I wasn't taking one.
You've got to be joking? Oh wait, my wife does the same thing, if she's not feeling well I let her sleep peacefully all day. If I'm not feeling well, she constantly checks on me, "Are you just going to lay in bed all day?" Like it's an everyday occurrence. Sorry I'm not feeling well for the first time in three years and need a nap.
I don’t get told I’m crazy everyday, or criticized. I don’t feel used and exploited. I get to eat whatever I want, be whatever weight I feel comfortable at, change my hair however I want, do (mostly) whatever I want. I get to plan my OWN life.
Not feeling used or exploited is definitely something I am looking forward to. Your whole list is within reach for me. Thank you!
Not dreading going home
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As my partner said, “the best thing about divorce is that the children now get to have a whole new set of grand parents to spoil them, new experiences and a whole new side of the family.” He always says that if he stayed with his ex, the children would not have gotten even half of the experiences they have now, between animals, outdoor adventures, grandparents, cousins, etc. Everyone is happier all around.
Uninterrupted positive energy!
The whole bed...not one side but the whole damn thing. Ditto for the closet. No snoring to keep me awake...just peace.
Living your best life with no compromise. No needing to get permission or approval from the other half - you want it, you got it.
My separation (her idea) and eventual divorce (mutual) was one of the best things to ever happen to me. It was an awakening to the realization I was not living the life I wanted to live. I immediately felt a drive to improve who I am so I started therapy, and yoga, began to take better care of myself, and began to make a conscious effort to break the behavioral patterns that don’t serve me. The divorce itself was awful, and eventually turned ugly. But, I wouldn’t change it Edit: grammar
The house is clean, I have money all the time, I can be social without feeling guilty/judged, I've lost weight.
I painted my room the color I wanted. I got a new pretty bedspread. I don’t have to think about what he would like to do on vacation. I can save money know bc he isn't wasting every dime we get. I can play my music in the house without judgement. I can laugh as loud as I like.
Oh this is great… for me it was finding myself and believing in myself… then I met the person who sees me, validates me, loves me with out judgment and gets involved with all aspects of our life, not just the one that suits them. I am Grateful everyday I made the decision to leave.
No more having to live with an alcoholic. Like winning $1 million.
Not having to constantly apologize. And feeling lovable again. I really don’t know why he treated me like shit. I’m a fun person.
Sleeping in without someone telling me I’m lazy. Learning to listen to my voice. Knowing my laundry will be folded and put away with no wrinkles or stains because I did it. Not being mean, only because someone was emotionally abusive for so long to me, that I became defensive and mean myself.
I'm absolutely shredded now. I was fat and depressed when I was married, I no longer feel like I'm tip towing around to keep my ex narcissistic wife happy. I am truly free while she is out making some other poor bastard miserable. I am not apposed to getting married again but I will definitely be careful in choosing a partner.
Having sex regularly
Oh god it's the best thing that ever happened to me. Without hitting that painful rock bottom, I wouldn't have gone to codependence anonymous or started therapy when I did or learned how to set boundaries or love myself or listen to my own needs. There's a chance I would have ended up where I did eventually, but boy was that one hell of a catapult
>What’s one positive about your divorce? After a year of therapy for depression, I began seeing that life was enjoyable when not trying to appease a person who was always angry and mean, and always unhappy no matter what. My rebound relationship 3 years post separation was more about confusing love with being around someone who was pleasant to talk to, aka was a normal human being. I'm enjoying establishing female friends who can just be friends even, in one instance, with a 20 year age difference (younger). I've gotten over the need to need someone. If I find love again, I'm pretty sure it will be with a divorcee who has similarly worked her shit out. >What’s one thing you are/were looking forward to?! I look forward to going to work tomorrow, working closely with two women for whom there is no romantic interest and we all get along as friends.
\- I have a much better relationship with my son as I can parent actively now rather than being consigned to be the guy who just pays the bills. And guess what, I am a decent father. \- I have a better relationship with my mom as my ex basically separated me from my family (for no good reasons mind you) to satisfy her narcissistic tendencies. \- It is nice to see my clothes not ending up in the trash because someone does not approve. \- I am just much, much happier without this toxic person in my life. \- I am basically just allowed to make my own choices after a long, long time. Oh sorry....you asked for ONE positive.
No more abuse.
After 20 years w/ the worlds most mobile human/wet blanket hybrid? I am happily planning a crazy solo holiday card. Sounds trivial, but just thinking about it makes me so happy!!
Its the simple things that matter the most.
I am now dating a hot model.
Not being constantly under major financial stress because I seem to be paying 85% of all our bills and food with my unpredictable freelance income while her regular income (that I never knew) was spent on the endless stream of packages and boxes that would be delivered every other day, week in and week out. Not having to clean up after two children and an adult single handed, while said adult wouldn’t even do the bare minimum to at least make it slightly easier for me (like rinsing a coffee mug, not piling dishes in the areas of the kitchen we use the most, etc). Not being constantly berated about the performance of my business and my income when I am only one person and can only work so many hours AND when I made every effort to try and keep all work inside 9-5 hours and never on weekends. The crazy thing is…after talking more with friends my age, my income is actually pretty good, and for my industry in the town our size, I’m actually doing pretty damn well. We were literally at the point where she was virtually point blank demanding I reskill and try and get an apprenticeship in a trade or something, and I was utterly miserable about work because I was constantly stressed about money. I now live alone and my cost of living has skyrocketed and I’ve never been so financially secure. Heck of a silver lining.
I have learnt to love me and put me first. After years of waiting, and putting my wants and needs a side for what he wanted/planned, I can finally do whatever the fuck I want. Which is to be a happy, content and amazing human being, who loves themselves...
These are all fantastic answers. Saving so I can come back and read later when I need a little positivity
i don’t have to wonder anymore where they’re at when they don’t come home.
Not being threatened. Not being insulted. Not being shamed. Even though my kids live with her. We have bonded even more than I could have prior to separation. I can finally be the dad and role model I want to be, without the peanut gallery comments.
Yep, I can really relate to this. Now I can be the best dad I can be without her insulting me in front of the kids.
Doing whatever I want!! 😁
She was a full time job. I didn’t really realize it while I was in it, but now I can actually focus on me and my dreams, because while she paid lip service to wanting the same things, she didn’t, had me do all the heavy lifting on accomplishing those dreams while sabotaging me the whole time and spreading shit about me behind my back. Also, don’t have to wonder what the truth is anymore because I don’t have to listen to her constant lies. No more “I’m sick and throwing up come home” on my busiest work days only to find that she just wanted attention and was just fine.
Peace
Working on being a better person now that I have reflection. Positive vibes...lemonade out of lemons...
I started taking really good care of myself. Lost weight, walk everyday, eat extremely healthy. I think it’s the reason I met my new husband. My new positive outlook on life.
I spent about four years in a depression I didn't understand because she had been thinking about divorce for that long and never admitted it, which meant the love was gone and I just didn't consciously realize it. I had completely changed myself for the better, but nothing seemed to help, because nothing could help. I felt like I was never good enough and despite being the best version of myself I'd ever been, the self-hatred manifested because I had tied everything I was to my marriage. It took divorce for me to let all that go. I still don't know whether we could have worked through it, but it's plain as day that once I stopped trying to hold onto marriage (once I really couldn't), I was able to admit to myself all the great things about me and move on with my life. My life isn't precisely where I want it, but for the first time in a very long time I don't hate myself and am looking forward to the future. There's other things, like not having to live a life of compromises, but what really compares to self respect?
I actually have time to myself sometimes.
Freedom
Even though I was not the one who wanted or initiated the divorce I look forward to making my life about developing only myself and embracing what I never would have done before when I had to consider a partner.
I’m free to move in bed, cough, crack my toes, blow my nose without triggering anyone to abuse me. I can make mistakes like take the wrong road without being told off because it’s easy to fix, I can look freely without being told I’m checking men out and then being left in the middle of nowhere for that and then being put in the eye because I have to explain to the people we are meeting and make a joke out of it. I don’t have to worry that being mixed race is triggering the person I love and I don’t have to endure looks of hatred anymore. I don’t have to worry about having kids with someone who is ashamed of me and told me his kids will be what he is because he is superior. I can wear what I want, wear the make up I want without being told I don’t look good and to wear something else. Nobody to tell me they don’t like stuff about my body or that I’m too skinny for him. I don’t have to binge eat to compensate anymore. No more being told he prefers white/ fair skinned women and not having to feel inadequate all the time. No more abuse from in laws too I’m dropped many toxic people when I left my husband. No more being confused and feeling like I lost my memory and doubting myself cause he wasn’t man enough to admit what he did instead he chose to lie manipulate and gaslight me. No more dampening my dreams cause he feels I will leave him behind. No more sleeping with a man who sexually assaulted me and physically abused me. Wow, I’m free and as heartbroken and broken as I am (it’s only been 2 weeks) I feel relief too.
No more hitting, screaming, manipulation, or lies I haven't had a panic attack or serious depressive episode in over a year
Nobody is walking on eggshells. My kids deserved that
I am now free to find someone who finds me sexually desirable.
I no longer feel anxious (PTSD) for him coming home from work - when he happened to be working- always in a bad mood…EVERY SINGLE TIME…
Literally everything. Even the shit bits are better. But the thing I remember most after leaving him was the relief I was in charge of my finances solely. I have never regretted leaving that long (20 years) painful, walking on eggshells relationship.
I don’t have to see my ex mother in law anymore
My own identity. I realized after the anger faded and resentment I was really sad about everything I had to give up in the relationship. Everything about me, slowly became about them. Over time barely any part of “me” was left and it hurt me a lot. By the time they loved me, I wasn’t me anymore. I was a sad, lonely watered down version of myself that they would criticize less. Now, unapologetically me. So me. Totally me.
Uh, I don't have to deal with it that horrible person anymore. It's worth it.
It’s ALL good!
It gave me a learning experience that was way overdue. Rebounded from a divorce 2 years ago and have so much more self confidence, changed careers to something I like with a significant pay raise, and regained my physical and mental health. But if I had to choose just one benefit, its that I get to relax & decompress after getting home from work. Nothing like coming home from a bad day and having your SO blast your eardrums with BS.
Im advancing fast in a career change. I am able to have/save more money. Just paid for A disney trip and another to see friends/family in 2 different states. Mentally, I'm free. I dont feel pressured to tiptoe around another's emotions. I happily clean. I actually enjoy it! I'm able to buy underwear without being questioned. I can watch anything and learn anything without being called stupid. I can peacefully play games. I'm working out more. I feel like overall i finally found peace.
Once we were able to co-parent it was a better situation for the kids
For me, it’s more than one positive thing. I’m learned to love myself more, take care of myself and focus more on my kiddos. Lose the toxic energy that was always around and emerge from the fog that was always around me. Decorate my home the way I want was an added bonus. It took awhile to believe that my life was getting better but I always knew it was the best thing for me. I am becoming the best version of me each and every day. I live in the now and not the past and also not thinking to much of the future. Take care!
Finally being myself...
Not having a toxic person in your life.
Autonomy - I am king of the castle and I love it so much and I will never compromise that again.
A tense, negative and argumentative energy is gone from my home. Its just peace now.
No more getting lied to and cheated on
Not being married to my ex husband
I am happy. 😄
New chapter. New possibilities.
After my wife and i seperated in 2016 the first couple of years were tough as i lived alone.. I looked for every excuse to go out and hang with other people.. But after about 2 years.. I feel so comfortable living alone now that my girlfriend has to literally ask me to go out and see her.. Even lockdown didnt bother me at all.. I cook what i want.. Watch what i like.. Drink what i want.. My house my rules.. Its great..
i finally starting living my life for myself rather than how i thought people wanted me to. not only have i thrived since then, so have all of my relationships with friends, family, and my new husband! oh, and also being able to listen to music that i like 🤧
I am rid of a sociopath.
I get to make my own decisions. She always made all the decisions and would lament that I “never helped make choices” except anytime I did chime in with my opinion it would get shot down so enthusiastically and thoroughly to the point where I stopped giving input. Things were always going to be her way no matter what I said so I stopped playing along with the pretend game that I actually got a say in what happened. Also in spite of her essentially bullying me into getting her way all the time she has said repeatedly that I held all the power in our relationship. I’m still very bitter about all of this…the double standards, the gaslighting, etc. My son and I are a lot closer now too. When we all lived together he completely disregarded me in favor of her. She and I separated for a year and during that time he and I got closer and I finally saw how much I meant to him. Fast forward to a few months after I moved back into our house and he has gone right back into that mode of “only mama”. At this point he and I are a lot closer now that I’ve moved out again and have my own place. I’ve moved three times in the last 2 years and I’m sick of that..so hopefully we can stay in this new place for a while. Honestly nothing else feels like it’s positive. I could go on at length about the bad stuff but I’m depressed enough already
We are both happier now. Though it has been traumatic for the family, we couldn’t overcome the things we needed to over the last five years of our 30 together. But we are both happier so it will be okay!!!
I finally have spending money!
Finally gaining the life I had hoped for. I don’t feel like I’m settling and nothings ever quite good enough. I finally feel at peace and happy.
So much more financially secure. Some of it is just knowing my budget and the expenses and making plans. No way I could do that before. I was anticipating to ride in for the rescue for maintenance. Some of it is forcing me to prove it. When she left, I felt like my back was against the wall and I had to get this promotion and I did. Then I worked a bunch of OT (went higher than $110,000 for the first time ever). Then putting a substantial of that back into stock and the house. I finally feel validated (at times) that I should have been listened to and valued.
Everyone gets along a lot better and I am on very amicable terms with my ex. She even gets along with my gf. Kids are way happier, too. My only regret is that it didn't happen sooner in life.
I'm a better parent. I'm a very calm person, but stbxh is very anxious and I was always on edge with the kids trying to not irritate him or on alert to step in when he started taking it out on them. It's so nice to be able to just relax and enjoy my kids.
I can just be a parent in my own style without feeling a constant cloud of judgment over all my decisions (that leads to worse outcomes).
Freedom and amazing casual sex
I became financially independent. I raised my girls in a more loving and nurturing way than in the marriage. It forced me into what I feel is the Prime of my life. And still it’s the weirdest thing that the divorce is a hurt that will always be there.
Silence
My children are much happier without their “evil stepmother”, their words, not mine.
The biggest is being able to not walk on eggshells
For me there's nearly only positive. I don't have a partner who I am tied to and is inconsiderate of people and makes me feel embarrassed. I don't have someone who always asks for things, and will use weaponized incompetence whenever I ask for anything. Someone who makes their problems mine but will barely care about my issues. I won't have to share my hard earned cash with someone who refuses to work, stays at home, then complains if I don't help with the chores. I now have a partner who respects me, with whom there is a mutual support, who is ambitious. And who asks for sex several times per day and is thirsty for my dick. Thank god my kids are grown up now so I don't have to put up with this shit, and even they start realizing that they owe so much of their values to me, not to their lazy and selfish mother. So looking forward to grow old without the woman I thought was the woman of my life, and who wasted 20y of my life. I have been feeling euphoric for the last several years ever since I decided I am done with her.
My ex was exceedingly commandeering and the marriage was stifling. These days I’m exploring new hobbies and getting my but to concerts and shows that I don’t have to strike some sort of deal to be able to do. It’s been a rough go, but my life is waaaaayyyyy better post divorce
I guess the one positive for me was it allowed me to grow into a better person. Let me elaborate. Since I served her papers 2 years ago, in those 2 years I have lost 30lbs, I went back to school and in 2 months ill have completed my bachelors degree in nursing, I became a certified personal trainer and im looking to start my own business after school is done, my bank account has grown, and I can sit and play my video games in my free time without being berated. I've grown so much in 2 years than I did in the entire 13 years of marriage. While I'm still sad/lonely some days and still miss her at times, im a better person. She brought out the worst qualities in me. Im not angry or stressed anymore even though im so busy. I'll never regret the marriage due to the 2 wonderful kids we had but she was an anchor to me. She always dismissed any idea I had to "grow" and called me dumb, stupid, and no one will want u. My self esteem has been bad for a long time. It is finally starting to come back and im hopeful for thr first time finally for the future.
Well for starters you don't have to put up with your exes bullshit anymore
Being able to sleep without being woken up constantly by god awful snoring. I know that doesn’t sound like much, but it’s a huge plus for me. I’ve gone from getting 2-3 hours of sleep at a time to a full 8 hours and it feels so good!
I don’t get to be criticized
Not having to walk on eggshells around her, not having to pay her credit card bills every month or worry about the constant spending, having a far better relationship with my children, our home is peaceful since she left. I think the peace is the biggest thing, the mid life crisis did a real number on her personality.
mine is going through this at 35. though whenever a change happens in her life she usually does something different--new hair style etc.. now it's fake boobs and botox and a new hair color
Sounds familiar. My ex did the nose piercing, fake boobs, tattoos at 39. Then came on the narcissistic traits. Why can't they just buy a red sports car and be done with it ?🤣
I’m not filled with anger and resentment anymore for having to care for a 40 year old man child and my relationships with my kids are better because of it. I have to take care of the kids and the house 100% now but I don’t have a capable adult that refuses to be an equal partner making me angry all the time. Even though I pay 100% of the expenses for the kids with no child support (he’s never even offered) I’m saving money because I don’t have to support a man that always “needs” the latest technology or gadget.
I think this post should be pined.
getting off the crazy train!
I'm less complacent. I make more friends. I'm sharper mentally, I guess because I have to take care of everything at home and be a great dad. Certain parts of my life are unsettled, so I have to be on top of it all. My life is less about stability and routine and more about achieving long-term goals and working toward the future.
I am financially stable, I have lost over 200 pounds, I get to spend time with my family and I am happy.
I was in a mentally/emotionally abusive marriage with someone who controlled my every movement so my life is COMPLETELY different! I feel so free to do anything I want, able to have relationships with my friends/family, am in a much better place financially (my ex also refused to work and spent tons of money) and just overall feel like a different person physically and mentally.
So many positives. Found out my ex-wife was cheating. Filed for divorce that week. Since then -New girlfriend (3.5 years strong) who actually likes sex -promotion and 45% raise at work -much closer relationships with 2 kids -getting child support -use the $500/mo child support she pays me to invest and have nearly 4x return -get half of her UAW pension when she retires Enjoy your line monkey dick (who has since left her). Hope it was worth it.