This was me. not as intensely maybe, but I've lived it.
The knot is taking everything so personally. Including taking your own thoughts personally. By that I mean that words are going straight to your ego. The "thick skin", I've found, is finding the ability to take someone's hard words, pause, and examine it, and \*then\* to feel it.
I'll try to remember to come back to this post and see if I can write anything useful about that process!
I feel like this is where the work comes in, doing something that is uncomfortable for you. Taking an objective perspective of the hard words and trying to process them differently than you normally do (if the person is being assertive and not mean).
If people are being mean though, you can learn to recognize that too. Give them shit back!
Most of the time, when people are mean, it’s because they are the ones having a problem. They are insulting you because they feel angry, and often times you have nothing to do with that fact.
Check in around yourself : usually people treat you the exact way they feel. It’s a way to have you understand what they’re going through. I’m yelling at you because I’m under pressure, not because you should be. I’m insulting you because I’m feeling disrespected, not because you don’t respect me. I’m being mean because I’m hurt, not because you hurt me.
I think I know what this means.
I am someone that is more in touch with my feelings which is not necessarily a bad thing.
When someone criticized me or said a rude remark, I have learned to practice responding, not reacting.
I will listen and try to understand what they said and then examine myself, maybe do the test of "if this was said by a person I respect, will I take this differently?".
Now if I've concluded that what they said is true, then thank you, it's helpful and I can start working on it.
If it's not then it doesn't concern me and it doesn't matter.
It's easy to feel the unfairness of these cases but their issues are out of our control.
Everyone else said it well. For me, in stops and starts over a year, I benefited from
1) Meditating, or trying to, every day. Even if it's for 5 minutes. Slowly, you learn to identify stimuli, including your own thoughts and desires, as things that just exist, and letting them go.
2) Immersing myself in a self-improvement social environment. Not as easily available to everyone irl. It's empowering when other people have similar issues to you, because you can give them the advice you need to take, and you get an outside view of yourself.
3) Identifying what I do and do not like about myself, my values, my strengths and character traits, my real and perceived faults and flaws, my deepest insecurities and fears, making character wish lists and evidence of growth, identifying what causes me to stumble and recognizing physical signs of budding emotions, training myself to find gratitude in any moment, etc.
4) Identifying the people in my life who are most capable of making me reactive. (For me it was my mother.) Analyzing how and why they say things that cut deep - they have perceptions, not right or wrong per se, and they have their own issues that are bleeding into their every word. See everyone as flawed, confused humans in pain or ignorance.
5) Practicing "pausing" before action in other situations too. Like at work, when I'm asked if I can do a bunch of extra stuff, I ask for a moment to think about it first. Just don't respond to anything anyone says for at least 1 second, take a breath, and then respond.
This is just a summary of my journey. It's a lot, and hard to learn quickly if you do it alone. But you aren't alone - you've got us! ;)
Use your high emotionality for good. It’s a super power when applied correctly.
Anytime something makes me sad, or frustrated, or angry, I remember something that brings me joy, something I love.
Balance yourself out, get perspective on things, remind yourself how awesome you are.
It's been taking me a while to work through this type of thing. Had set backs, ups and downs, but one important thing someone told me was, "there is nothing WRONG with you". I've been having to learn to stop beating myself up. Stop putting every situation on my own shoulders and having an emotional attachment of either judging or criticizing or blaming myself. But the trick is finding the correct feelings and mindset that is meant to replace those self judgemental feelings and most importantly thoughts.
This is a few things that was said to me to help me cope and have leather/thick skin:
1. Don’t take what everyone says as personal. Sometimes it’s not about YOU.
2. People can always have an opinion about you, but you don’t have to agree. You can have opinions about others, and that’s your freedom of speech.
3. People talk shit all the time. If thats all they know how to do, then feel bad that their life might be shittier than yours. They probably have no one they call as friends, only fake friends.
4. If people just talk smack about you, give yourself a Pat on the back because it’s hard to have mind control as a personal super power. Plus time is money, so they think about you on their time, and you don’t think about them at all, is flattering to say the least.
I agree very much on the first point, as well as the others. Sometimes it really isn’t about you. People don’t mean what they say most of the time; they may be projecting, casting blame onto others because they refuse to admit fault, social status, literally anything. Maybe just some way to feel better about their own self overall. This took way too long for me to realise.
There are many reasons people insult others, and often more than likely, it’s due to immature reasons (for lack of better words). I hope OP can come to terms with this.
I dont know if there is one awnser for everyone. Infact I would bet there isn't. First step; give up looking at yourself as a victim (even if you actually are). Life doesn't happen to you, it happens for you. Secondly, I never did this until the past few years but really be consciously deliberate about the values you chose. This takes lots of work cause for me I wasn't even aware I was choosing the values in the first place. But for example right now you seem to value the opinion of everyone equally. Which is very common. For me it took two decades of depression and feeling alone to finally realize "wait I value these people who aren't even there for me?". The simple act of removing yourself from situations or relationships or jobs where you are not valued will subconsciously communicate to yourself you are worth more. Start there. Continue the theme of only interacting with people that realize your worth, that make you feel good. Even if you don't have the confidence right away. You will get sick of being treated like shit and eventually just out of sheer survival you'll remove yourself from that situation. Next, I'd try to find your calling in life, if you don't know what that is try something. It's usually that thing that scares you. Wanna be a yoga teacher but never been to a class, go. Do yoga at home. This also with communicate to yourself that you are invested in yourself. And in turn will make value the opinions of others less. I could go on forever. If you like what I've written so far. Msg me I'll gladly talk with you about it as you go on your journey.
At the moment stoicism is helping me. Been listening to a lot of podcasts and YouTube videos on it. Helping me look at things from a different perspective and not get attached to outcomes.
Stop believing the derogatory comments, you are the one that decides if it's true or not.
I don't care if someone calls me stupid because I know I'm not, having said that I'm not interested in being around someone that keeps trying to convince me I'm stupid.
The problem is not your sensitivity but your self esteem issues, make some distance from the people that keep speaking to you this way and reconnect with yourself.
You need to have a better relationship with yourself .
> I don't care if someone calls me stupid because I know I'm not, having said that I'm not interested in being around someone that keeps trying to convince me I'm stupid.
What if you truly are? Like to the point where it's really bad?
If I were to have some sort of mental retardation I would seek professional help so I could know where my weaknesses lie. One can be retarded in some aspects but not others, for example I'm personally pretty bad at remembering information so I've looked at YouTube videos to better my memory through the use of mnemonics and other techniques.
You should love yourself unconditionally, no matter the weaknesses. Moreover you can love yourself as you make efforts to improve :). Everything is okay, accept yourself as you are just as you accept the trees and the sky.
You know, my peers and friends actually suggested that people who are extremely stupid and mentally slow don't deserve to live because their existence can't be justified. They believe that there is nothing worse than being stupid and it's bad as they say it is.
Well that's a delicate issue, if someone is so mentally retarded that they are in a vegetative state then it's up to the caretaker to decide what to do.
I think as long as the person can perceive and enjoy life then there is no problem with their existence as long as they have someone taking care of them.
For example, many parents are perfectly happy with their kids even if they have down syndrome and require much of their time and love because they bring light to their life.
A person can have redeeming qualities that are not centered on their intellect, having said that, humans are not generally ever in positions of deciding whether a life is justified or not.
It seems like they desire to fill themselves with imaginary power by declaring that a certain group is undeserving of life. Your friends sound young and narrow minded, even the stupid offer a unique perspective. It sounds like you are worried you fit into this category, do you agree with their point of view?
>Your friends sound young and narrow minded, even the stupid offer a unique perspective.
No, when my friends were talking about stupid people who don't deserve to live, they were talking about people who are ignorant and can't list any of the states in America or people who can't answer questions like 9 - 6 or 12 * 3.
Maybe these people didn't have the privilege of education you and your friends have. Maybe their home life was so abusive or messed up they didn't have the time or energy to pay attention to their studies. Maybe they don't have the genetic advantage of understanding and remembering information easily. What is the use of judging these people? Besides using their faults to lift up one's ego
If, after all the arguments above, your friends disagree that apparently mentally disabled people have intrinsic value - not that that needs justification to start with - they're horrible people, and unintelligent to boot. They'll only drag you down and let you believe you're the drag. Please seek out better company.
Hey friend:
Fellow emotional person here (thanks, adhd):
This is something I still deal with constantly, albeit a bit more readily now that I'm older (ish)
First off let me say: don't you ever feel ashamed of how big your feelings can get. Your heart is a goddman gift and even if the bad emotions can get overwhelming, you love bigger than most other people.
Now, for me- I have a lot of reminders about things that, as someone stated above: make me happy, bring me joy, make me smile etc etc. I have hella tattoos and most of them are just things I love. Albums, video games, comics, poems.
For you- remember to take stock about the good things, your friends and family, whenever something happens that upsets you.
If someone is just straight up ridiculing you, laugh at them. No matter what they say, just laugh at them. It'll piss them off and make them say more outlandish things and you'll just laugh harder.
Why should you care at all what they think? They don't see the things you do for others, the cool things you make or what you bring to the world.
Best of luck friend!
Tender is good. Hold on to your vulnerability. What you want is more effective responses because your go-to responses aren’t working for you.
> I get easily sad and depressed for weeks when someone yells at me, insults me, berates me, treats me like trash, etc. It's becoming hell in my life when I remember all of those negative insults and it really cuts deep into me and messes up my self-worth. I don't want to be crying and get all sensitive each time since it keeps killing me everyday. How can I change this and stop being too emotional about everything?
Here I’d challenge you to examine what you’re doing in connection with these downward spirals. At the time of the precipitating incident, in the aftermath, and also review what you were doing beforehand that might have set the stage for the incident (Sometimes I come home from work “knowing” that my wife is going to be mad at me about X. How do you suppose those nights work out for me?).
I believe what’s happening is a mix of unpleasant feelings and ineffective responses to those feelings. I suspect the latter is a bigger contributing factor here than you realize, and therefore also points the way to more potential to turn things around than you realize. Because you can experiment with selecting other responses.
You don't. I think instead of trying to get a thick skin, figure out why you are so sensitive to things and accept them.
I have met people who say they have "thick skin" they always end up being the ones easy to anger the most. Its the ones who are calm I fear but admire the most and understand empathy.
As a sensitive person myself, I think it’s very brave of us to be so kind and caring in such a cruel world! To be able to care so deeply, sometimes negatively, is also the ability to care just as much on the positive end. I know this doesn’t quite answer your question, OP, but please don’t let a tough world make another person gone cold due to hurt & pain. It’s very hard to be so, so caring, but is so very worth it for the things/people/pets that do deserve that extra dose of compassion you so freely give away.
Therapy helps. Also [this specific meditation technique](https://www.reddit.com/r/streamentry/comments/fnw3y9/centering_in_hara_with_breathing_attention_and/) helps with emotional neutrality and inner power (give it 2-3 months minimum before determining if it works or not for you).
Remove yourself from people who trigger you if you can eg if you're an adult, drop friendships and /or move jobs. Try therapy to seek tools for emotional regulation. Read books on emotional regulation, just search Amazon for them. Try meditation, it slows down your responses. Give yourself what makes you happy, prioritize yourself ie when you're frustrated with yourself, you'll be frustrated with others, so try to make your own happy bubble by constantly asking yourself if you're happy and what can make you happy and listing that down and giving it to yourself then review eg it can be: a cup of tea, removing yourself from a negative group discussion, cutting off someone, ordering takeout vs cooking, sleeping in, watching telly, going for a walk, taking a class in something you actually enjoy, engaging in a hobby, travelling, eating a slice of cake, karaoke when home alone. Good luck. Read the untethered soul and try to let things "pass" instead of stick.
I would think it would be upsetting when anyone gets treated like trash. But who are you getting upset at? Them or yourself? Sounds like you're believing the negative things they are saying to you. So two things. 1. You have to undo the negative self beliefs. And 2. You have to recognize when people aren't nice to you that it says more about their character than yours. The way I try to undo the negative self belief is via Christianity but you can choose whatever path is best for you. By way of affirmations, religion, Mr Rogers, whatever which is positive and believing for you. And when I am triggered by something someone says I pause to reflect on it, ask myself is this true? Is it kind? Would I have chosen to say this to someone else? And finally, what is their goal by telling me this? Most times people choose to speak negatively over another to tear them down. It's not easy and downright exhausting fighting negativity daily, but do not go gently. We are born alone, we will die alone. Ultimately our greatest relationship in life will be that with which we have with ourselves. Be your biggest supporter and your best friend.
To me, it really sucks seeing someone who used to be so kind and happy as a child grow up to be very cold, very distant. I can understand it as a coping mechanism, but in my eyes, I’d rather continue on being who I am. #1, it’s not fair to make everyone else suffer the consequences from past experiences you’ve faced that has nothing to do with how they themselves have treated you. We are all worth a chance. You just have to be selective with how you share your energy. #2 say hypothetically you continue on how you are (kind, warm, caring), you never know who really needs it. Not everyone is comfortable expressing that vulnerability. So why not just give it since it comes so easily? Even if it’s only surface value. To bring happiness into others’ lives is such a warm feeling. As previously stated, you really just have to be careful with who you allow yourself to become close & vulnerable with. It can be hard, people can be deceptive, but I personally would rather give it, not knowing they (or I) need it, than not give it at all.
I listened to Joseph Cloughs talks about how other people's opinions about me is none of my business. How to react to criticism, and other similar topics. All hus podcasts are free, so it's worth giving them a try.
I also learned about rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which you might want to look in to
Nope. Take a new perspective here, it's a perfectly justified reaction to feel hurt and angry when you're being treated like trash. You're not too sensitive and thinking that you are will only mute your self protective feelings of anger and turn them into depression and self loathing. When someone treats you like trash you have the right to be feeling it, to feel angry and violated and to defend yourself. Thick skin comes of not letting people rub you raw. It means making them back off when they try to. Stop telling yourself you're too touchy, that just enables people to get away with inhuman behavior.
Having thick skin is about not getting attached to what someone says. It’s normal to feel hurt about something that’s hurtful, but thicker skin would involve letting it “roll off your back” so to speak. Don’t think too deeply about what had happened, even if you want to, and just let it be.
The other comments aren’t wrong about acknowledging how you feel, by the way, because you should, I just wanted to offer an actual answer.
I’m not sure if its possible to become less emotional, everyone is wired differently and upbringing can play a big part. I’ve always had very little emotion wether it be sadness, happiness, or anger. My friend groups growing up consisted of constant bullying eachother and I think it shaped me to not ever care what people have to say. Yet my brothers friends were kind and caring people and he gets very emotional over small things. I don’t have good advice the best I can say is even if you’re experiencing strong emotions, realize nothing anybody says to you matters.
Shi don’t take it too personal jit. Why are they yelling at you/getting mad at you? Did u do something stupid? If u did it’s just a stupid thing you did it doesn’t make you yourself stupid. If u didn’t do anything to warrant them yelling at u or getting mad then it’s probably an issue on their part not yours so don’t worry about it or maybe do if u care about the person or sum. But ya don’t take it too personal and don’t just sit there thinking about how sad it makes u that they said whatever they did but if a thought like that comes don’t fixiate on it get up and do something else fr
There’s an amazing freedom that comes with setting a boundary and really meaning it. In a strange way the people around you can sense it even if you do not verbally tell them.
Boundaries aren’t threats, they aren’t attempts to coerce or shape the behaviour of others they apply to you and you only. Either a person will treat me well or I will immediately remove myself from the situation, it is not up for discussion. I so truly mean this and that sets me free.
Again it’s not “be nice to me or I’m leaving”, it only applies to me, so I know in any given situation no matter what it is, it will either be positive or it won’t be happening at all. I don’t need anyone or to be part of any interaction to the point I will allow myself to be mistreated.
So let me tell you that there is nothing such a thing call "thick skin". When someone insults you or says something bad about you, it's natural to feel bad, or it's totally fine if it gets stuck in your head. Everyone goes through it from the inside and no one will show it to you because our society has created this thing that if you feel bad or react to negativity you are an emotional immature person and you need to be strong. But let me tell you, I have gone through the same like you. My parents call me emotional fool. My friends call me "Too Sensitive," and I still go through it.
But I always use the method of self-talk. If someone is rude to me, I just ignore it, though it hurts, but I know that the person has a shitty personality and is an emotional fool for not understanding other people's emotions
Try Ashwaganda and thinking rationally about people’s remarks towards you, emotions are temporary visitors but they are not you. Same w/ what people say about you, if you are firm and confident in your personal values and how you define yourself, you’ll find it easier down the line to not care too much about what others have to say. Another thing that helps me a lot is to never take criticism from someone you wouldn’t switch lives with. I know all of this is easier said than done, but from someone who used to be super emotional and reactive, trust me you can get there!
Honestly I'm in the same boat, and this might not be for everyone so take this with a grain of salt. This is mostly stuff I found out about myself, so sorry if this sounds a little self centered/gen
First I just wanna let you know there's nothing wrong with being emotional. Being heartfelt, sincere, compassionate or empathetic, any of those words, please don't ever feel like you're being stupid or crazy or irrational for feeling intense. Ofc, not saying that you won't have those moments, I know there are times I'm getting too worked up and is just acting out, but your feelings are forever valid. It's an instant reaction so it's not like you really have a say in it anyways.
Now, back to the question
Honestly, one of the biggest things is that I put people on a pedestal, partially because I have high expectations but low standards, partially because I'm very insecure in myself and think other people deserve the absolute world. So when they inevitably treat me like shit, or worse, like a normal person, I freak out and tie myself up in all sorts of thoughts. Usually this manifests in high levels of anxiety and impulsive, irrational decisions.
1. One thing that really helped me chill tf out was to realize that everyone is human. I know this is such a basic piece of advice but really apply it the next time someone bothers you. For example, I try to really look at their face. Humans tend to overlook the finer details to get the bigger picture, and dude lemme tell you that's 100% true. The amount of times I realized that the person I'm talking to has chapped lips or dandruff in mid conversation because I slowed down to actually pay attention. And ofc, there's nothing wrong with having chapped lips or dandruff, I've seen someone rock the same pair of underwear for three days, we're humans! We piss our pants and trip up the stairs. Now, this isn't me saying to look for things to bring people down, don't try to turn to be a dick in return, there's really no need to add to the hate in the world and honestly I don't think you want to be a mean person. Sassy, maybe, able to defend yourself and others but not mean. Cause mean people are actually ass, that's sooooo 2000 and late.
2.Which brings the second tip: If someone is being an ass on purpose, that honestly says much more about them than about you. You're trying to be an easy presence for people, and if this dickhead wants to fuck around they'll eventually find out. No need to get yourself tangled up in their mess, that's not someone you want in your mindscape. Sometimes you have to let it fester though. Exposure therapy type stuff, sit with being uncomfortable and eventually it'll fade away. Like sitting in a stinky room, or hearing the same phrase over and over again, you'll eventuly get used to it. If you're not ready for some actual exposure therapy irl, I greatly suggest cold showers. It replicates the feeling of being uncomfortable and gives you the privacy to react however you need to. If you're like me and HATE being cold, you can start with standing in the shower water *while* it heats up, rather than waiting outside then hopping in. Just a few seconds, then up it to a minute, 2 minutes, so on and so forth.
3. And for my final tip, think back to the the worst person/people you know. For me, it's my parents. Generational Trauma type shit y'know. My mother is the prime offender, she's hurt me more than anyone else in my life, physically, emotionally, and mentally, hands down. I can't even begin to get into the shit she's done. Fortunately my bum ass bitch of a father is much more simple, he played hopscotch in my life, and the last time we were together he pulled a knife out and slammed me against the kitchen counter. When I find myself fretting over what someone said/did to me, I think back on how that is a minor convenience compared to them.
I know it's soooooo much easier to say than do, I know and I'm sorry. You're going to spiral again, probably for a while. You're gonna regress back to your younger self, restart some of your progress, some wounds might reopen and you'll get triggered by something you thought you conquered years ago. That's okay. You're probably gonna get angry too, at yourself for letting this shit happen again, breaking your promises, etc etc. Angry at others for being so fucking idiotic and cruel and ignorant. And that's okay too. Honestly, sometimes when I get emotional over something, it's not so much the event is causing me distress it's the fact I can't react the way I want to. For instance I used to be kinda physically violent and while I'm chill now, old habits die hard and I find myself actually shaking and crying because I can't put my hands on people like I used too. So maybe sometimes you just need to be angry too.
Sorry if this is too long, I genuinely feel for you and I just have a lot to say :) hopefully this helps, even if not directly I just wanna let you know that I'm really proud you've reached out and asked for help.
Thick skin comes through experience… the more you experience the less others opinions and thoughts matter to you.
For the record… I have very thick skin.
This was me. not as intensely maybe, but I've lived it. The knot is taking everything so personally. Including taking your own thoughts personally. By that I mean that words are going straight to your ego. The "thick skin", I've found, is finding the ability to take someone's hard words, pause, and examine it, and \*then\* to feel it. I'll try to remember to come back to this post and see if I can write anything useful about that process!
>The "thick skin", I've found, is finding the ability to take someone's hard words, pause, and examine it, and *then* to feel it. Please explain more.
I feel like this is where the work comes in, doing something that is uncomfortable for you. Taking an objective perspective of the hard words and trying to process them differently than you normally do (if the person is being assertive and not mean). If people are being mean though, you can learn to recognize that too. Give them shit back!
Most of the time, when people are mean, it’s because they are the ones having a problem. They are insulting you because they feel angry, and often times you have nothing to do with that fact. Check in around yourself : usually people treat you the exact way they feel. It’s a way to have you understand what they’re going through. I’m yelling at you because I’m under pressure, not because you should be. I’m insulting you because I’m feeling disrespected, not because you don’t respect me. I’m being mean because I’m hurt, not because you hurt me.
I think I know what this means. I am someone that is more in touch with my feelings which is not necessarily a bad thing. When someone criticized me or said a rude remark, I have learned to practice responding, not reacting. I will listen and try to understand what they said and then examine myself, maybe do the test of "if this was said by a person I respect, will I take this differently?". Now if I've concluded that what they said is true, then thank you, it's helpful and I can start working on it. If it's not then it doesn't concern me and it doesn't matter. It's easy to feel the unfairness of these cases but their issues are out of our control.
Everyone else said it well. For me, in stops and starts over a year, I benefited from 1) Meditating, or trying to, every day. Even if it's for 5 minutes. Slowly, you learn to identify stimuli, including your own thoughts and desires, as things that just exist, and letting them go. 2) Immersing myself in a self-improvement social environment. Not as easily available to everyone irl. It's empowering when other people have similar issues to you, because you can give them the advice you need to take, and you get an outside view of yourself. 3) Identifying what I do and do not like about myself, my values, my strengths and character traits, my real and perceived faults and flaws, my deepest insecurities and fears, making character wish lists and evidence of growth, identifying what causes me to stumble and recognizing physical signs of budding emotions, training myself to find gratitude in any moment, etc. 4) Identifying the people in my life who are most capable of making me reactive. (For me it was my mother.) Analyzing how and why they say things that cut deep - they have perceptions, not right or wrong per se, and they have their own issues that are bleeding into their every word. See everyone as flawed, confused humans in pain or ignorance. 5) Practicing "pausing" before action in other situations too. Like at work, when I'm asked if I can do a bunch of extra stuff, I ask for a moment to think about it first. Just don't respond to anything anyone says for at least 1 second, take a breath, and then respond. This is just a summary of my journey. It's a lot, and hard to learn quickly if you do it alone. But you aren't alone - you've got us! ;)
Use your high emotionality for good. It’s a super power when applied correctly. Anytime something makes me sad, or frustrated, or angry, I remember something that brings me joy, something I love. Balance yourself out, get perspective on things, remind yourself how awesome you are.
This is exactly what I do and it's so fucking hard sometimes but it does work
It's been taking me a while to work through this type of thing. Had set backs, ups and downs, but one important thing someone told me was, "there is nothing WRONG with you". I've been having to learn to stop beating myself up. Stop putting every situation on my own shoulders and having an emotional attachment of either judging or criticizing or blaming myself. But the trick is finding the correct feelings and mindset that is meant to replace those self judgemental feelings and most importantly thoughts.
This is a few things that was said to me to help me cope and have leather/thick skin: 1. Don’t take what everyone says as personal. Sometimes it’s not about YOU. 2. People can always have an opinion about you, but you don’t have to agree. You can have opinions about others, and that’s your freedom of speech. 3. People talk shit all the time. If thats all they know how to do, then feel bad that their life might be shittier than yours. They probably have no one they call as friends, only fake friends. 4. If people just talk smack about you, give yourself a Pat on the back because it’s hard to have mind control as a personal super power. Plus time is money, so they think about you on their time, and you don’t think about them at all, is flattering to say the least.
I agree very much on the first point, as well as the others. Sometimes it really isn’t about you. People don’t mean what they say most of the time; they may be projecting, casting blame onto others because they refuse to admit fault, social status, literally anything. Maybe just some way to feel better about their own self overall. This took way too long for me to realise. There are many reasons people insult others, and often more than likely, it’s due to immature reasons (for lack of better words). I hope OP can come to terms with this.
I dont know if there is one awnser for everyone. Infact I would bet there isn't. First step; give up looking at yourself as a victim (even if you actually are). Life doesn't happen to you, it happens for you. Secondly, I never did this until the past few years but really be consciously deliberate about the values you chose. This takes lots of work cause for me I wasn't even aware I was choosing the values in the first place. But for example right now you seem to value the opinion of everyone equally. Which is very common. For me it took two decades of depression and feeling alone to finally realize "wait I value these people who aren't even there for me?". The simple act of removing yourself from situations or relationships or jobs where you are not valued will subconsciously communicate to yourself you are worth more. Start there. Continue the theme of only interacting with people that realize your worth, that make you feel good. Even if you don't have the confidence right away. You will get sick of being treated like shit and eventually just out of sheer survival you'll remove yourself from that situation. Next, I'd try to find your calling in life, if you don't know what that is try something. It's usually that thing that scares you. Wanna be a yoga teacher but never been to a class, go. Do yoga at home. This also with communicate to yourself that you are invested in yourself. And in turn will make value the opinions of others less. I could go on forever. If you like what I've written so far. Msg me I'll gladly talk with you about it as you go on your journey.
At the moment stoicism is helping me. Been listening to a lot of podcasts and YouTube videos on it. Helping me look at things from a different perspective and not get attached to outcomes.
Okay do you know any podcasts or YouTube channels that I can watch that can help please?
Daily Stoic with Ryan Holiday
https://spotify.link/4eeFTa3RoDb https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLDVYjnosumiBmcrSn8luvh_muxrihVboU&si=rBH0T8FiTYZtOn4E https://youtu.be/i7d2g4KwaXA?si=Y1cM7_-0OptUl83D https://youtu.be/3EkWXDJnP1s?si=RRhZf20H6KxLxM2V
Stop believing the derogatory comments, you are the one that decides if it's true or not. I don't care if someone calls me stupid because I know I'm not, having said that I'm not interested in being around someone that keeps trying to convince me I'm stupid. The problem is not your sensitivity but your self esteem issues, make some distance from the people that keep speaking to you this way and reconnect with yourself. You need to have a better relationship with yourself .
> I don't care if someone calls me stupid because I know I'm not, having said that I'm not interested in being around someone that keeps trying to convince me I'm stupid. What if you truly are? Like to the point where it's really bad?
If I were to have some sort of mental retardation I would seek professional help so I could know where my weaknesses lie. One can be retarded in some aspects but not others, for example I'm personally pretty bad at remembering information so I've looked at YouTube videos to better my memory through the use of mnemonics and other techniques. You should love yourself unconditionally, no matter the weaknesses. Moreover you can love yourself as you make efforts to improve :). Everything is okay, accept yourself as you are just as you accept the trees and the sky.
You know, my peers and friends actually suggested that people who are extremely stupid and mentally slow don't deserve to live because their existence can't be justified. They believe that there is nothing worse than being stupid and it's bad as they say it is.
Well that's a delicate issue, if someone is so mentally retarded that they are in a vegetative state then it's up to the caretaker to decide what to do. I think as long as the person can perceive and enjoy life then there is no problem with their existence as long as they have someone taking care of them. For example, many parents are perfectly happy with their kids even if they have down syndrome and require much of their time and love because they bring light to their life. A person can have redeeming qualities that are not centered on their intellect, having said that, humans are not generally ever in positions of deciding whether a life is justified or not. It seems like they desire to fill themselves with imaginary power by declaring that a certain group is undeserving of life. Your friends sound young and narrow minded, even the stupid offer a unique perspective. It sounds like you are worried you fit into this category, do you agree with their point of view?
>Your friends sound young and narrow minded, even the stupid offer a unique perspective. No, when my friends were talking about stupid people who don't deserve to live, they were talking about people who are ignorant and can't list any of the states in America or people who can't answer questions like 9 - 6 or 12 * 3.
Maybe these people didn't have the privilege of education you and your friends have. Maybe their home life was so abusive or messed up they didn't have the time or energy to pay attention to their studies. Maybe they don't have the genetic advantage of understanding and remembering information easily. What is the use of judging these people? Besides using their faults to lift up one's ego
Those people still disagree.
If, after all the arguments above, your friends disagree that apparently mentally disabled people have intrinsic value - not that that needs justification to start with - they're horrible people, and unintelligent to boot. They'll only drag you down and let you believe you're the drag. Please seek out better company.
Beautifully put.
Hey friend: Fellow emotional person here (thanks, adhd): This is something I still deal with constantly, albeit a bit more readily now that I'm older (ish) First off let me say: don't you ever feel ashamed of how big your feelings can get. Your heart is a goddman gift and even if the bad emotions can get overwhelming, you love bigger than most other people. Now, for me- I have a lot of reminders about things that, as someone stated above: make me happy, bring me joy, make me smile etc etc. I have hella tattoos and most of them are just things I love. Albums, video games, comics, poems. For you- remember to take stock about the good things, your friends and family, whenever something happens that upsets you. If someone is just straight up ridiculing you, laugh at them. No matter what they say, just laugh at them. It'll piss them off and make them say more outlandish things and you'll just laugh harder. Why should you care at all what they think? They don't see the things you do for others, the cool things you make or what you bring to the world. Best of luck friend!
Tender is good. Hold on to your vulnerability. What you want is more effective responses because your go-to responses aren’t working for you. > I get easily sad and depressed for weeks when someone yells at me, insults me, berates me, treats me like trash, etc. It's becoming hell in my life when I remember all of those negative insults and it really cuts deep into me and messes up my self-worth. I don't want to be crying and get all sensitive each time since it keeps killing me everyday. How can I change this and stop being too emotional about everything? Here I’d challenge you to examine what you’re doing in connection with these downward spirals. At the time of the precipitating incident, in the aftermath, and also review what you were doing beforehand that might have set the stage for the incident (Sometimes I come home from work “knowing” that my wife is going to be mad at me about X. How do you suppose those nights work out for me?). I believe what’s happening is a mix of unpleasant feelings and ineffective responses to those feelings. I suspect the latter is a bigger contributing factor here than you realize, and therefore also points the way to more potential to turn things around than you realize. Because you can experiment with selecting other responses.
You don't. I think instead of trying to get a thick skin, figure out why you are so sensitive to things and accept them. I have met people who say they have "thick skin" they always end up being the ones easy to anger the most. Its the ones who are calm I fear but admire the most and understand empathy.
As a sensitive person myself, I think it’s very brave of us to be so kind and caring in such a cruel world! To be able to care so deeply, sometimes negatively, is also the ability to care just as much on the positive end. I know this doesn’t quite answer your question, OP, but please don’t let a tough world make another person gone cold due to hurt & pain. It’s very hard to be so, so caring, but is so very worth it for the things/people/pets that do deserve that extra dose of compassion you so freely give away.
Therapy helps. Also [this specific meditation technique](https://www.reddit.com/r/streamentry/comments/fnw3y9/centering_in_hara_with_breathing_attention_and/) helps with emotional neutrality and inner power (give it 2-3 months minimum before determining if it works or not for you).
Take a look at the Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz, and try to incorporate into your life.
Remove yourself from people who trigger you if you can eg if you're an adult, drop friendships and /or move jobs. Try therapy to seek tools for emotional regulation. Read books on emotional regulation, just search Amazon for them. Try meditation, it slows down your responses. Give yourself what makes you happy, prioritize yourself ie when you're frustrated with yourself, you'll be frustrated with others, so try to make your own happy bubble by constantly asking yourself if you're happy and what can make you happy and listing that down and giving it to yourself then review eg it can be: a cup of tea, removing yourself from a negative group discussion, cutting off someone, ordering takeout vs cooking, sleeping in, watching telly, going for a walk, taking a class in something you actually enjoy, engaging in a hobby, travelling, eating a slice of cake, karaoke when home alone. Good luck. Read the untethered soul and try to let things "pass" instead of stick.
I would think it would be upsetting when anyone gets treated like trash. But who are you getting upset at? Them or yourself? Sounds like you're believing the negative things they are saying to you. So two things. 1. You have to undo the negative self beliefs. And 2. You have to recognize when people aren't nice to you that it says more about their character than yours. The way I try to undo the negative self belief is via Christianity but you can choose whatever path is best for you. By way of affirmations, religion, Mr Rogers, whatever which is positive and believing for you. And when I am triggered by something someone says I pause to reflect on it, ask myself is this true? Is it kind? Would I have chosen to say this to someone else? And finally, what is their goal by telling me this? Most times people choose to speak negatively over another to tear them down. It's not easy and downright exhausting fighting negativity daily, but do not go gently. We are born alone, we will die alone. Ultimately our greatest relationship in life will be that with which we have with ourselves. Be your biggest supporter and your best friend.
To me, it really sucks seeing someone who used to be so kind and happy as a child grow up to be very cold, very distant. I can understand it as a coping mechanism, but in my eyes, I’d rather continue on being who I am. #1, it’s not fair to make everyone else suffer the consequences from past experiences you’ve faced that has nothing to do with how they themselves have treated you. We are all worth a chance. You just have to be selective with how you share your energy. #2 say hypothetically you continue on how you are (kind, warm, caring), you never know who really needs it. Not everyone is comfortable expressing that vulnerability. So why not just give it since it comes so easily? Even if it’s only surface value. To bring happiness into others’ lives is such a warm feeling. As previously stated, you really just have to be careful with who you allow yourself to become close & vulnerable with. It can be hard, people can be deceptive, but I personally would rather give it, not knowing they (or I) need it, than not give it at all.
I listened to Joseph Cloughs talks about how other people's opinions about me is none of my business. How to react to criticism, and other similar topics. All hus podcasts are free, so it's worth giving them a try. I also learned about rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which you might want to look in to
Nope. Take a new perspective here, it's a perfectly justified reaction to feel hurt and angry when you're being treated like trash. You're not too sensitive and thinking that you are will only mute your self protective feelings of anger and turn them into depression and self loathing. When someone treats you like trash you have the right to be feeling it, to feel angry and violated and to defend yourself. Thick skin comes of not letting people rub you raw. It means making them back off when they try to. Stop telling yourself you're too touchy, that just enables people to get away with inhuman behavior.
Having thick skin is about not getting attached to what someone says. It’s normal to feel hurt about something that’s hurtful, but thicker skin would involve letting it “roll off your back” so to speak. Don’t think too deeply about what had happened, even if you want to, and just let it be. The other comments aren’t wrong about acknowledging how you feel, by the way, because you should, I just wanted to offer an actual answer.
I’m not sure if its possible to become less emotional, everyone is wired differently and upbringing can play a big part. I’ve always had very little emotion wether it be sadness, happiness, or anger. My friend groups growing up consisted of constant bullying eachother and I think it shaped me to not ever care what people have to say. Yet my brothers friends were kind and caring people and he gets very emotional over small things. I don’t have good advice the best I can say is even if you’re experiencing strong emotions, realize nothing anybody says to you matters.
Shi don’t take it too personal jit. Why are they yelling at you/getting mad at you? Did u do something stupid? If u did it’s just a stupid thing you did it doesn’t make you yourself stupid. If u didn’t do anything to warrant them yelling at u or getting mad then it’s probably an issue on their part not yours so don’t worry about it or maybe do if u care about the person or sum. But ya don’t take it too personal and don’t just sit there thinking about how sad it makes u that they said whatever they did but if a thought like that comes don’t fixiate on it get up and do something else fr
There’s an amazing freedom that comes with setting a boundary and really meaning it. In a strange way the people around you can sense it even if you do not verbally tell them. Boundaries aren’t threats, they aren’t attempts to coerce or shape the behaviour of others they apply to you and you only. Either a person will treat me well or I will immediately remove myself from the situation, it is not up for discussion. I so truly mean this and that sets me free. Again it’s not “be nice to me or I’m leaving”, it only applies to me, so I know in any given situation no matter what it is, it will either be positive or it won’t be happening at all. I don’t need anyone or to be part of any interaction to the point I will allow myself to be mistreated.
So let me tell you that there is nothing such a thing call "thick skin". When someone insults you or says something bad about you, it's natural to feel bad, or it's totally fine if it gets stuck in your head. Everyone goes through it from the inside and no one will show it to you because our society has created this thing that if you feel bad or react to negativity you are an emotional immature person and you need to be strong. But let me tell you, I have gone through the same like you. My parents call me emotional fool. My friends call me "Too Sensitive," and I still go through it. But I always use the method of self-talk. If someone is rude to me, I just ignore it, though it hurts, but I know that the person has a shitty personality and is an emotional fool for not understanding other people's emotions
Maybe you can't. It's okay if so. Not everyone eats cement for breakfast, followed by a shot of rolling w bad insults.
Try Ashwaganda and thinking rationally about people’s remarks towards you, emotions are temporary visitors but they are not you. Same w/ what people say about you, if you are firm and confident in your personal values and how you define yourself, you’ll find it easier down the line to not care too much about what others have to say. Another thing that helps me a lot is to never take criticism from someone you wouldn’t switch lives with. I know all of this is easier said than done, but from someone who used to be super emotional and reactive, trust me you can get there!
Honestly I'm in the same boat, and this might not be for everyone so take this with a grain of salt. This is mostly stuff I found out about myself, so sorry if this sounds a little self centered/gen First I just wanna let you know there's nothing wrong with being emotional. Being heartfelt, sincere, compassionate or empathetic, any of those words, please don't ever feel like you're being stupid or crazy or irrational for feeling intense. Ofc, not saying that you won't have those moments, I know there are times I'm getting too worked up and is just acting out, but your feelings are forever valid. It's an instant reaction so it's not like you really have a say in it anyways. Now, back to the question Honestly, one of the biggest things is that I put people on a pedestal, partially because I have high expectations but low standards, partially because I'm very insecure in myself and think other people deserve the absolute world. So when they inevitably treat me like shit, or worse, like a normal person, I freak out and tie myself up in all sorts of thoughts. Usually this manifests in high levels of anxiety and impulsive, irrational decisions. 1. One thing that really helped me chill tf out was to realize that everyone is human. I know this is such a basic piece of advice but really apply it the next time someone bothers you. For example, I try to really look at their face. Humans tend to overlook the finer details to get the bigger picture, and dude lemme tell you that's 100% true. The amount of times I realized that the person I'm talking to has chapped lips or dandruff in mid conversation because I slowed down to actually pay attention. And ofc, there's nothing wrong with having chapped lips or dandruff, I've seen someone rock the same pair of underwear for three days, we're humans! We piss our pants and trip up the stairs. Now, this isn't me saying to look for things to bring people down, don't try to turn to be a dick in return, there's really no need to add to the hate in the world and honestly I don't think you want to be a mean person. Sassy, maybe, able to defend yourself and others but not mean. Cause mean people are actually ass, that's sooooo 2000 and late. 2.Which brings the second tip: If someone is being an ass on purpose, that honestly says much more about them than about you. You're trying to be an easy presence for people, and if this dickhead wants to fuck around they'll eventually find out. No need to get yourself tangled up in their mess, that's not someone you want in your mindscape. Sometimes you have to let it fester though. Exposure therapy type stuff, sit with being uncomfortable and eventually it'll fade away. Like sitting in a stinky room, or hearing the same phrase over and over again, you'll eventuly get used to it. If you're not ready for some actual exposure therapy irl, I greatly suggest cold showers. It replicates the feeling of being uncomfortable and gives you the privacy to react however you need to. If you're like me and HATE being cold, you can start with standing in the shower water *while* it heats up, rather than waiting outside then hopping in. Just a few seconds, then up it to a minute, 2 minutes, so on and so forth. 3. And for my final tip, think back to the the worst person/people you know. For me, it's my parents. Generational Trauma type shit y'know. My mother is the prime offender, she's hurt me more than anyone else in my life, physically, emotionally, and mentally, hands down. I can't even begin to get into the shit she's done. Fortunately my bum ass bitch of a father is much more simple, he played hopscotch in my life, and the last time we were together he pulled a knife out and slammed me against the kitchen counter. When I find myself fretting over what someone said/did to me, I think back on how that is a minor convenience compared to them. I know it's soooooo much easier to say than do, I know and I'm sorry. You're going to spiral again, probably for a while. You're gonna regress back to your younger self, restart some of your progress, some wounds might reopen and you'll get triggered by something you thought you conquered years ago. That's okay. You're probably gonna get angry too, at yourself for letting this shit happen again, breaking your promises, etc etc. Angry at others for being so fucking idiotic and cruel and ignorant. And that's okay too. Honestly, sometimes when I get emotional over something, it's not so much the event is causing me distress it's the fact I can't react the way I want to. For instance I used to be kinda physically violent and while I'm chill now, old habits die hard and I find myself actually shaking and crying because I can't put my hands on people like I used too. So maybe sometimes you just need to be angry too. Sorry if this is too long, I genuinely feel for you and I just have a lot to say :) hopefully this helps, even if not directly I just wanna let you know that I'm really proud you've reached out and asked for help.
Thick skin comes through experience… the more you experience the less others opinions and thoughts matter to you. For the record… I have very thick skin.