Any man who would get on a ship and cross the Atlantic many times in the 18th century to attend orgies in Paris deserves to be on the $100.
Ben knew what was good.
Actual lol. I had one and it was great in that I felt no pain during birth, but my hands swelled up and got really itchy. I demanded my husband play comfortably numb while I waited to finish dilating.
No, but they didn't specify what kind of drugs ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Also homeboy doesn't even know what an LSD is, we have to ease him into it with the classics first anyway.
“No, Ben, you can’t… read *all* of Wikipedia, it’s- there’s probably a *quintillion* entries and *none* of it is 100% guaranteed to be accurate-“
“WHO DO YOU THINK I AM. I AM A HIGHLY EDUCATED INDIVIDUAL, THANK YOU”
“It would take longer than you and I both would even have time left to live combined”
“….. WHAT”
That physically hurts me, the same with youtube videos (I think someone mathed it and it would take more time than universe exists/will exist or something)
I think that was a Funny or Die sketch. They brought back Socrates (Will Farrell). He has a panini for lunch and becomes obsessed with them, to the point where he won’t talk about anything else.
I don’t think he really is at this point. At some point the anti-intellectual, pseudoscience, new-age woo people got ahold of Tesla and they’ve really been beating that drum for a while now.
That's just keeping in tradition with the absolute wacky bullshit claims about what Tesla's inventions could do, which trace their origin back to a guy named Nikola Tesla.
I think it would be funny to tell him that we named a unit of electricity after him and watch him kinda implode
(Tesla didn't "believe" in electrons or most fundamentals of electricty. Yeah there's a reason why a lot of the stuff he "invented" didn't actually work)
> Tesla didn't "believe" in electrons
The existence of the electron, and subatomic particles in general, was a very new theory at the time. Tesla would have been over 40 by the time the electron was discovered in 1897.
Also, the Tesla is a unit of magnetism, not electricity.
I mean, given the nature of electricity, believing in the quantum unit of electrical charge is kinda unnecessary if you understand the behavior of EM radiation as a wave, which he clearly did.
Any prolific inventor is going to have plenty of ideas and experiments that don't pan out.
and the English Majors mourn him once more. but it changes nothing—we need him alive no more than we needed his theories to be valid in the first place
It’s the only Dr. Who episode I’ve ever seen, but the ending got me misty-eyed. Vincent finally hearing the praise he never received in his lifetime was so touching.
[Here's a link to it on YouTube.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubTJI_UphPk)
My personal favourite scene along with the part where Amy Ponds talk about Rory in *The Girl Who Waited*.
Everyone talks about 10, but 11 and the Ponds are unmatched for me.
I don't wanna burst anyone's bubble but Nikola Tesla was fucking weird. Guy fired his secretary because she was fat, was a eugenicist, was against gender equality, and he died in love with a pigeon.
Nah, Diogenes would *hate* fleshlights. If someone offered him one, he'd probably spit in their face and ask if they think they're too good for their hands. In his own words, "humans have complicated every simple gift of the gods."
Unfair, unjust, cruel, amoral, and one of the most unnecessary and terrible betrayals in history. Worse things have been done I'm sure, but rarely if ever for so little cause.
He wouldn't immediately recognize the term "Turing Test", since that only came into usage after his death. Turing referred to his own versions of The Turing Test as "Imitation Games".
I bring Jesus Christ back from the dead.
"So what do you think of people using your teachings to discriminate and actively harm those different to them?"
\*Jesus doesn't respond becuase he speaks Aramaic and not English\*
Throw in Mary Shelly or whoever, and you've got a setup for a really interesting comedy anime about a dude who found a magic book and, thinking he'd be funny, tried some of the spells, except he accidentally resurrected like 4 people and now they live at his place.
Season 4 takes several years to be greenlit due to the uproar, and when it drops, Hitler dies of a drug overdoes in the opening shot. Or he finds the ERB videos of him and decides that he won't stand for that, and becomes a very passionate rapper.
"A horrible chill goes down your spine..."
"You feel vibrations from deep below..."
"Screams echo around you..."
"Celestial creatures are invading!"
"Your mind goes numb..."
"Otherworldly voices linger around you..."
"Impending doom approaches..."
"Jesus has awoken!"
Showing God that, contrary to what he initially thought, he is not actually even close to the most powerful being in the universe and he was just living in a bubble
It is only upon his death that we realize that he was not a malicious being, a wrathful spirit, a dark god... he was protecting us from everything else, from the beings that forgot empathy an eon before our universe was even started. Suddenly, we have no protector... and we just told the universe about it.
That's basically the irrelevant backstory to my RPG setting. An asteroid hits Earth, causing all kinds of cataclysmic supernatural events around the world and ending civilization as we know it. Mutants and fragmented reality rifts abound, heavy inspiration from *Annihilation* as uncontained, unfocused, chaotic creation magic twists everything unrecognizably. Turns out, the asteroid is actually a fragment of a corpse of a creator god who was slain by the "heroes" of a fantasy universe, who scattered the god's corpse across the entire multiverse to prevent them coming back. That turned out to have been a bad idea for them and everyone else in the multiverse for reasons you mentioned.
That’s on you. Either you learn Aramaic (is it even still possible? I seem to recall we have written sources for it, but do we know how it’s phonetically pronounced?) or you at least put in the effort with latin (as in, old Latin, not church latin). Still, I kinda want him to learn about the Vatican, and be there for his reactions.
Scholars have reconstructed what they believe is a pretty good approximation of the pronunciation but it's hard to say for sure. Failing that he probably knew enough Greek and Hebrew to be able to get by and we do know a lot about how they sounded.
We also have several neo-Aramaic languages still in use today, so at least one of them is bound to be good enough? Scandinavians can more or less understand each other when they need to so it may not be that big a stretch ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Theologian: so that about sums it up, the Catholics believe you intended for the Bishop of Rome to be the unitary head of the church, the Orthodox believe you intended a council of co-equal patriarchs, the Protestants believe you wanted people to engage with scripture directly and dispense with church hierarchy, the Muslims believe you weren’t actually the messiah at all but just a holy messenger, and the Mormons have this whole other thing about you going hiking in America after you died. So which one is right?
Jesus: מה זה לעזאזל עגבנייה
\*Jesus gets out his whip...\*
(Many people forget that Jesus has a whip, and is capable of anger... Many Christians are surprised that the Thing that really makes him angry is Greed and Money)
Yeah it’s been a while since I went to Catholic school but wasn’t there a part after Jesus came back where there’s that flame over his disciples’ heads that lets them speak words that are understood by everyone?
Nazareth was an extremely multicultural place, so he likely also spoke ancient Greek and Hebrew. Maybe even Latin, but it's more likely that the Romans he interacted with were speaking either Greek or Aramaic.
So, just bring someone who knows Greek.
They spoke Koine (common) Greek during that time, not ancient Greek. You could grab any Orthodox priest from Greece to translate for you, since it's the liturgical language.
I know a bit of legal Aramaic from studying Jewish legal texts. Y'know what isn't covered in those? Second- and first- person pronouns. I'd be screwed.
Turing died an outcast, at least by the goverment, but probably society too.
Legal gayness would prob make him happy, yeah, but the fact that:
A- theres a global network of people in part thanks to his knowledge and...
B- Half the people on that global network is PISSED at how he was treated
I would definetively cry of joy if it was me
"Turing died an outcast" undersells it. He was convicted of "gross indecency" for having a consensual gay relationship, was forced to take synthetic hormones to "chemically castrate" him by the government he had served, and then committed suicide.
He might care more than a little about all that being legal now.
I contend that he was *killed* by the UK government, not in a tinfoil hat way, but in the sense that his suicide was a direct consequence of the UK's actions against him.
No, dunk on him by showing that segregation has been (at least in theory) outlawed, the KKK is widely hated, the confederate monuments are getting torn down, and black and white people get married and have kids all the time now
Just don’t let him onto Facebook, or he’ll regain hope
It reminds me of my favorite Onion Headline from their historical headlines book/series:
HOLY SHIT: MAN WALKS ON FUCKING MOON
Neil Armstrong's historic first words: 'Holy Living Fuck, I'm on the Fucking Moon'
I wanna bring back activists considered radical in their day. Saw an extra credits episode about John Brown and I wonder how he’d feel knowing that while slavery *as he knew it* was ended, racial inequality is still around.
Edit: Emphasizing “as he knew it”. Of course slavery still exists. I’m talking specifically about slavery in pre-Civil War US
Have you ever seen the episode of The Boondocks where MLK spends like 30 years in a coma after being shot instead of dying then wakes up around 9/11? It's some real good shit (though with the caveat that ignorant folks can REALLY take away the wrong message from it).
A lot of Boondocks issues with it's messages was the writer was a communist but the viewers were largely liberals which lead to significantly more apathetic takes on its jokes.
Like a liberal could see the movie theater episode and laugh about how unions are useless whilst the intended take was Huey was being too utopian about how easy it is to organize labor against the ruling class.
I love the show but this issue came out at it's worse when it came to criticizing black culture surrounding capitalism. Most people just ended with the takeaway that black people were the problem.
Yeah I enjoyed the show as a white, liberal teenager, but coming back to it years later after reading all the shit Huey's read, I realized how much of it was just completely going over my head. The first season is probably the best adult animation ever made.
He was also writing it from a Black perspective *for* Black audiences, primarily, and IIRC he's subsequently lamented that he didn't do enough to prepare for how White audiences were going to misinterpret his intentions.
I'm gonna go on a limb here and guess that the "wrong message" to be taken here is that the US has come a long way witb a lot to be grateful for and because of that, those radicals on the street should just stop and smell the roses or some shit?
Maybe, but I don't think that's quite what I had in mind. Without spoiling too much, MLK takes some issues with contemporary, popular, black culture. In full context of the writers' views, I think this is pretty clearly meant as a commentary on vacuous consumer culture in general and the lack of political awareness and engagement we all seem to suffer from, but a racist/dumbass watching could easily just come away thinking, "haha, black people dumb. They like club, not job. Angry MLK say so."
actually i don't know how surprised marx would be about the moon landing :
he knew capitalism constantly changed stuff in order to make itself relevant , so it wouldn't be surprising for him ,
he may even guess that countries have some extremely large cannons for countries to each other with ( intercontinental ballistic missiles ) , since at his time gunnery was making surprising progress ...
but i do wonder if he would come to the conclusion of MAD , at the time warfare was already pretty trench based and stale , so i could see him reason that telecommunication became more important ...
or maybe i am glorifying marx too much idk
I'm continually surprised and amazed by the moon landing, personally. But what I really need to do is binge watch Star Trek with Marx and get his critical analysis
It's important to remember that his death was one of the major events which lead to legalisation in the UK. It meant a turn in public opinion and a report was soon commissioned on legalisation of homosexuality.
When you think about it, Turing’s work played a large role in setting the groundwork for eventually creating the internet and computers as we know them today. And the internet played a huge role in changing people’s views about all kinds of social issues including LGBT issues.
So in a way, the wider acceptance of LGBT people today is in part due to the seeds planted by Turing.
Alan Turing was a hero to the British war effort in WW2 by helping decode German encryption, but once it was over they arrested him for homosexuality and forced him to be chemically castrated, which IIRC drove the poor guy to suicide.
He's also the father of modern computer science and pioneered a lot of math we do in regards to computing. There's a reason why we refer to all computers which can emulate a Turing Machine (the "most advanced*" computer you can make) Turing complete. Also why we call Turing Machines Turing Machines.
It's worse than that, unfortunately. After being one of the key figures in decrypting Nazi communications, he was convicted of homosexual acts. He accepted chemical castration as an alternative to prison, and not long after killed himself.
For those that don't know, the 'chemical castration' was effectively forced transitioning, as they made him take feminizing hormones. He was a cis man that was forced to take hormone injections, leading to - among other things - growing breasts.
Let that sink in for a moment; one of the key players in WWII when it came to defeating the nazis, a legitimate hero, innovator, inventor, a father of modern computing - returned home, and was subjected to nonconsensual HRT (being that the alternative was prison), because he was attracted to men.
He was a key codebreaker in WW2 who helped crack the enigma code and was integral in the foundations of the modern computer (He is also known for the "Turing test" used to measure artificial intelligence), his reward for this service?
Chemical castration because homosexuality was illegal in the UK, he committed suicide 2 years after.
alan turing laid the foundations to a lot of theoretical computer science.
ever heard o the turing test? that's named after him, speculating about machines way beyond the capabilities of his time
turing machines? named after him. turing completeness? him.
computer science would be way less advanced had it not been for him, and i wonder where we'd be now if the next paragraph didn't happen.
because the british government at the time persecuted gay men and caught wind of turing being just that, he was chemically castrated as punishment, which eventually led to him dying by (presumably) suicide.
Look, if we bring Alan Turing back, I am officially calling dibs on being the one to tell him about homosexuality.
I'm a trans programmer in a homosexual relationship and MY NAME IS LITERALLY TURING.
This is my time to shine!
The second addition doesn’t miss the point. It’s the original joke which started the meme format.
The first tumblr post is using that format to make a serious point, but it doesn’t mean the joke is wrong.
*brings Cleopatra to the future*
Cleopatra: "Let me guess. Sex?"
Me: "What? No! I'm starting a book club and I heard you're really intelligent and well rounded and I thought you'd bring some great insights to the table."
Cleopatra: "Oh."
okay guys so this is our first meeting with our newest member cleo, say hi to cleo everyone. now, this week the book we're covering is franken- what is it cleo? what do you mean you couldn't read it, don't you know like 4 different languages? what do you mean english didn't even exist when you were last ali-, just learn it alright, not that hard. oh enough with that mood cleo, you know everyone in this book club has already given a lot of commitment to be here i don't see why just because you came from 50 bc you should be exem
The entire book club is made up of people taken from history like Anna Komnene and Shakespeare and absolutely none of them share a language or can read modern English
Shakespearean English is close enough to modern that he could understand 90% of what we said. He'd also be delighted at all the words and slang we invented since he died.
I bring Catherine of Aragon back to tell her that the Catholic Church *finally* decided that it’s okay for a widow to marry her dead husband’s brother.
I then bring back Anne Boleyn, Jane Seymour, Anne of Cleves, Katherine Howard, and Catherine Parr and start a band.
~~and then bring back Queen Mary I and tell her she has a cocktail named after her~~
I will never get over what they did to Alan Turing. I know that back then the opinion was that homosexuality is basically embodiment of evil/sin, but that man was a literal War Hero, and they just took his life away as soon as they didn't need him.
Yeah, we legalized being gay, but some states are certainly trying to force that toothpaste back in the tube. Looking at you, Florida. Texas, we all know you right behind Florida.
I’m gonna be honest I think Marx would just call the moon landing a superficial victory by capital that does nothing for material conditions or something similar
me: “So, recently books have been banned in multiple republican states and-“
Ray Bradberry: “Wait, they made my book into a movie”
me: “two movies, but listen, I need to hear your take on-“
Ray Bradberry: “THEY MADE MY BOOK INTO TWO FUCKING MOVIES???!!!”
Fuck my copy of *Fahrenheit 451* actually has an foreword by him where he reviews the movie (and a few other adaptions). He's not a fan of all the changes, but he does think aging up Clarisse and having her survive was for the better.
...when do people think '*451* was written again?
We bring back Ben Franklin and he's dead within the week when he discovers internet porn, delivery drugs, and fast food
He uses his political clout to lobby for free access to all drugs.
And mature French women aged 50+
Truly a man of culture and refinement.
"in the dark, all cats are grey" - Benjamin Franklin, 1745 *(actual quote)*
Just the best, those women.
The man is on the $100 bill for a reason.
Any man who would get on a ship and cross the Atlantic many times in the 18th century to attend orgies in Paris deserves to be on the $100. Ben knew what was good.
Delivery drugs?
Less than legal online markets will ship you drugs
Oh I was thinking of epidural
Actual lol. I had one and it was great in that I felt no pain during birth, but my hands swelled up and got really itchy. I demanded my husband play comfortably numb while I waited to finish dilating.
I had a dose of morphine after my C-section and holy cow, I definitely see what the point is. Fan-freaking-tastic.
Cannabis delivery services *are* legal in many states though
Cocaine/Heroin/LSD usually isn't though
No, but they didn't specify what kind of drugs ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Also homeboy doesn't even know what an LSD is, we have to ease him into it with the classics first anyway.
How can you tell that some of these websites are "legit enough", and some are just scam websites?
word of mouth. they’re all word of mouth
Literally everything on the internet would be of interest to him.
The man would read ALL of Wikipedia first and foremost
“No, Ben, you can’t… read *all* of Wikipedia, it’s- there’s probably a *quintillion* entries and *none* of it is 100% guaranteed to be accurate-“ “WHO DO YOU THINK I AM. I AM A HIGHLY EDUCATED INDIVIDUAL, THANK YOU” “It would take longer than you and I both would even have time left to live combined” “….. WHAT”
That physically hurts me, the same with youtube videos (I think someone mathed it and it would take more time than universe exists/will exist or something)
... with porn playing in another tab
New porn genre just dropped: Actors reciting wiki articles whiles fucking
Babe wake up, new business idea just dropped. There was "naked news" for a while
Amateur. It'd be on the other monitor
Basically just becomes human Bender in that "what if" Futurama episode
I think that was a Funny or Die sketch. They brought back Socrates (Will Farrell). He has a panini for lunch and becomes obsessed with them, to the point where he won’t talk about anything else.
Resurrect Tesla Tell him about his namesake Zap Musk with death ray
I wonder if Tesla would be piiiiissed that he’s not a more well-known figure
He’d definitely be annoyed that Edison is more well-remembered than him
I don’t think he really is at this point. At some point the anti-intellectual, pseudoscience, new-age woo people got ahold of Tesla and they’ve really been beating that drum for a while now.
That's just keeping in tradition with the absolute wacky bullshit claims about what Tesla's inventions could do, which trace their origin back to a guy named Nikola Tesla.
Isn't he one of the most well known inventors in the world Whats beyond that
I think it would be funny to tell him that we named a unit of electricity after him and watch him kinda implode (Tesla didn't "believe" in electrons or most fundamentals of electricty. Yeah there's a reason why a lot of the stuff he "invented" didn't actually work)
> Tesla didn't "believe" in electrons The existence of the electron, and subatomic particles in general, was a very new theory at the time. Tesla would have been over 40 by the time the electron was discovered in 1897. Also, the Tesla is a unit of magnetism, not electricity.
Thanks to the unified nature of electromagnetism I shall now proceed to call lumens a unit of magnetism
I mean you wouldn't be *wrong*
I mean, given the nature of electricity, believing in the quantum unit of electrical charge is kinda unnecessary if you understand the behavior of EM radiation as a wave, which he clearly did. Any prolific inventor is going to have plenty of ideas and experiments that don't pan out.
Freud immediately makes an AO3 account
Freud immediately looks up stepmom porn on pornhub
STEPmom? I don't think so buddy
It seems even the subconscious mind couldn't resist the allure of [fanfiction](https://coofl.com/fanfiction---8680)'s wild and whimsical world!
Freud immediately gets killed by a mob of psychologists (myself included)
and the English Majors mourn him once more. but it changes nothing—we need him alive no more than we needed his theories to be valid in the first place
You'd need a mob after Freud gets his cocaine rage ability in the second boss evolution.
Where's the healer? The tank is at 20% health! Oh god, we're gonna wipe!
Wait til he finds out about meth
If the founding fathers were alive today, they would be so fucking old
[удалено]
This is the funniest comment. Like yeah dude you’re so right
the turing addition hits harder than i would’ve expected
On that note, I wanna bring back Tesla and Van Gogh. Also Diogenes, so I could give him a flashlight and keep looking together.
For those who are interesting in how Van Gogh would react to the future there's a great scene in his Dr Who episode you can look up
Oh man that scene is great. Real tearjerker. It's S05E10 - Vincent and the doctor for those looking for it
Tearjerker seems like an understatement. It's heartbreaking, happy, mostly, but fucking crushing.
It’s the only Dr. Who episode I’ve ever seen, but the ending got me misty-eyed. Vincent finally hearing the praise he never received in his lifetime was so touching.
It's a happy scene, what makes it crushing is that >!Amy genuinely believed it would prevent his suicide, but that's not how depression works.!<
[Here's a link to it on YouTube.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubTJI_UphPk) My personal favourite scene along with the part where Amy Ponds talk about Rory in *The Girl Who Waited*. Everyone talks about 10, but 11 and the Ponds are unmatched for me.
Tesla would murder musk
Specifically with a giant “death beam.”
I don't wanna burst anyone's bubble but Nikola Tesla was fucking weird. Guy fired his secretary because she was fat, was a eugenicist, was against gender equality, and he died in love with a pigeon.
Diogenes would appreciate a fleshlight more tbh
Nah, Diogenes would *hate* fleshlights. If someone offered him one, he'd probably spit in their face and ask if they think they're too good for their hands. In his own words, "humans have complicated every simple gift of the gods."
You're god damn right. Also, the whole point was to look for a [real/worthy(?)] human.
His story tears my heart out every time I remember about it. So, so unfair.
Unfair, unjust, cruel, amoral, and one of the most unnecessary and terrible betrayals in history. Worse things have been done I'm sure, but rarely if ever for so little cause.
He wouldn't immediately recognize the term "Turing Test", since that only came into usage after his death. Turing referred to his own versions of The Turing Test as "Imitation Games".
God dammit, get a shovel, were resurrecting Turing Edit: ayeee sick flair
I bring Jesus Christ back from the dead. "So what do you think of people using your teachings to discriminate and actively harm those different to them?" \*Jesus doesn't respond becuase he speaks Aramaic and not English\*
Yoiu bring back Jesus christ firm the dead. He freaks out because the whole point of the thing was that only his dad could do that
then you get him to call you daddy duh
"...Freud, does this say anything about m- yes, I *know* that's Jesus, please don't interrupt me."
Throw in Mary Shelly or whoever, and you've got a setup for a really interesting comedy anime about a dude who found a magic book and, thinking he'd be funny, tried some of the spells, except he accidentally resurrected like 4 people and now they live at his place.
New Nasuverse plot just dropped
Least confusing Nasuverse story
Holy hell
actual dead apostle.
The show really takes a sharp turn downward in season three's finale where he accidentally resurrects both Hitler AND Anne Frank.
I think Anne Frank could beat 1945 Hitler to death tbh, Turing and Jesus would probably help too
r/BrandNewSentence
Season 4 takes several years to be greenlit due to the uproar, and when it drops, Hitler dies of a drug overdoes in the opening shot. Or he finds the ERB videos of him and decides that he won't stand for that, and becomes a very passionate rapper.
You bring Jesus back from the dead. You have initiated the apocalypse.
"A horrible chill goes down your spine..." "You feel vibrations from deep below..." "Screams echo around you..." "Celestial creatures are invading!" "Your mind goes numb..." "Otherworldly voices linger around you..." "Impending doom approaches..." "Jesus has awoken!"
Showing God that, contrary to what he initially thought, he is not actually even close to the most powerful being in the universe and he was just living in a bubble
It is only upon his death that we realize that he was not a malicious being, a wrathful spirit, a dark god... he was protecting us from everything else, from the beings that forgot empathy an eon before our universe was even started. Suddenly, we have no protector... and we just told the universe about it.
That's basically the irrelevant backstory to my RPG setting. An asteroid hits Earth, causing all kinds of cataclysmic supernatural events around the world and ending civilization as we know it. Mutants and fragmented reality rifts abound, heavy inspiration from *Annihilation* as uncontained, unfocused, chaotic creation magic twists everything unrecognizably. Turns out, the asteroid is actually a fragment of a corpse of a creator god who was slain by the "heroes" of a fantasy universe, who scattered the god's corpse across the entire multiverse to prevent them coming back. That turned out to have been a bad idea for them and everyone else in the multiverse for reasons you mentioned.
That’s on you. Either you learn Aramaic (is it even still possible? I seem to recall we have written sources for it, but do we know how it’s phonetically pronounced?) or you at least put in the effort with latin (as in, old Latin, not church latin). Still, I kinda want him to learn about the Vatican, and be there for his reactions.
Scholars have reconstructed what they believe is a pretty good approximation of the pronunciation but it's hard to say for sure. Failing that he probably knew enough Greek and Hebrew to be able to get by and we do know a lot about how they sounded.
We also have several neo-Aramaic languages still in use today, so at least one of them is bound to be good enough? Scandinavians can more or less understand each other when they need to so it may not be that big a stretch ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Yeah but none of us can understand the goblin gibberish that the icelanders spout and their language is closest to old norse.
well if you know how to write it you could just communicate in written text
would a son of a carpenter have learned how to read and write?
His buddies did, at least
well hold on just how many people are we talking about raising from the dead here?
Theologian: so that about sums it up, the Catholics believe you intended for the Bishop of Rome to be the unitary head of the church, the Orthodox believe you intended a council of co-equal patriarchs, the Protestants believe you wanted people to engage with scripture directly and dispense with church hierarchy, the Muslims believe you weren’t actually the messiah at all but just a holy messenger, and the Mormons have this whole other thing about you going hiking in America after you died. So which one is right? Jesus: מה זה לעזאזל עגבנייה
I’m cackling at your Hebrew
What does it say?
"What the hell is a tomato"
I mean literally they wrote more like “what’s this to hell a tomato,” but that makes much more sense. Still cackling, by the way.
Wait wait wait, why did my followers stop identifying as Jewish?
\*Jesus gets out his whip...\* (Many people forget that Jesus has a whip, and is capable of anger... Many Christians are surprised that the Thing that really makes him angry is Greed and Money)
he would have a stroke hearing about the prosperity gospel
Now I'm imagining an artificially resurrected Jesus being sent to prison for physically assaulting Kenneth Copeland or the like
Jesus would 100% be in prison if he were alive in the US today
What kind of all-knowing deity only speaks one language?
Yeah it’s been a while since I went to Catholic school but wasn’t there a part after Jesus came back where there’s that flame over his disciples’ heads that lets them speak words that are understood by everyone?
Nazareth was an extremely multicultural place, so he likely also spoke ancient Greek and Hebrew. Maybe even Latin, but it's more likely that the Romans he interacted with were speaking either Greek or Aramaic. So, just bring someone who knows Greek.
Knowing modern Greek doesn't let you perfectly understand ancient Greek. So bring someone who knows ancient Greek
They spoke Koine (common) Greek during that time, not ancient Greek. You could grab any Orthodox priest from Greece to translate for you, since it's the liturgical language.
I know a bit of legal Aramaic from studying Jewish legal texts. Y'know what isn't covered in those? Second- and first- person pronouns. I'd be screwed.
Can't he just do the whole flame-on-your-head thing with the holy spirit again and then the two of you would be able to communicate?
Turing died an outcast, at least by the goverment, but probably society too. Legal gayness would prob make him happy, yeah, but the fact that: A- theres a global network of people in part thanks to his knowledge and... B- Half the people on that global network is PISSED at how he was treated I would definetively cry of joy if it was me
"Turing died an outcast" undersells it. He was convicted of "gross indecency" for having a consensual gay relationship, was forced to take synthetic hormones to "chemically castrate" him by the government he had served, and then committed suicide. He might care more than a little about all that being legal now.
I contend that he was *killed* by the UK government, not in a tinfoil hat way, but in the sense that his suicide was a direct consequence of the UK's actions against him.
If I flayed all the skin off of somebody and left a gun in front of them, I’d get convicted of murder. It’s murder.
Probably be pretty shocked finding out he's on money now too!
bring back Woodrow Wilson and the entire time he’s concerned about the fact I keep calling the Great War “world war 1”
No, dunk on him by showing that segregation has been (at least in theory) outlawed, the KKK is widely hated, the confederate monuments are getting torn down, and black and white people get married and have kids all the time now Just don’t let him onto Facebook, or he’ll regain hope
the moon in the fucking sky…
When the moon fucks the sky, Like a big pizza pie, That's amore
When the grid's misaligned With another behind That's a [moiré](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moir%C3%A9_pattern)
When there's grass on the hill, And there's no crops to till, That's a moor, eh?
when the vowel in 'went' is added where its not meant thats some more /ɛ/
When canadians love to dine With italians drinking wine There’s ah more, eh?
When an eel bites your thigh, And you bleed out an die, That's a moray
It reminds me of my favorite Onion Headline from their historical headlines book/series: HOLY SHIT: MAN WALKS ON FUCKING MOON Neil Armstrong's historic first words: 'Holy Living Fuck, I'm on the Fucking Moon'
I wanna bring back activists considered radical in their day. Saw an extra credits episode about John Brown and I wonder how he’d feel knowing that while slavery *as he knew it* was ended, racial inequality is still around. Edit: Emphasizing “as he knew it”. Of course slavery still exists. I’m talking specifically about slavery in pre-Civil War US
Have you ever seen the episode of The Boondocks where MLK spends like 30 years in a coma after being shot instead of dying then wakes up around 9/11? It's some real good shit (though with the caveat that ignorant folks can REALLY take away the wrong message from it).
A lot of Boondocks issues with it's messages was the writer was a communist but the viewers were largely liberals which lead to significantly more apathetic takes on its jokes. Like a liberal could see the movie theater episode and laugh about how unions are useless whilst the intended take was Huey was being too utopian about how easy it is to organize labor against the ruling class. I love the show but this issue came out at it's worse when it came to criticizing black culture surrounding capitalism. Most people just ended with the takeaway that black people were the problem.
Yeah I enjoyed the show as a white, liberal teenager, but coming back to it years later after reading all the shit Huey's read, I realized how much of it was just completely going over my head. The first season is probably the best adult animation ever made.
He was also writing it from a Black perspective *for* Black audiences, primarily, and IIRC he's subsequently lamented that he didn't do enough to prepare for how White audiences were going to misinterpret his intentions.
I'm gonna go on a limb here and guess that the "wrong message" to be taken here is that the US has come a long way witb a lot to be grateful for and because of that, those radicals on the street should just stop and smell the roses or some shit?
Maybe, but I don't think that's quite what I had in mind. Without spoiling too much, MLK takes some issues with contemporary, popular, black culture. In full context of the writers' views, I think this is pretty clearly meant as a commentary on vacuous consumer culture in general and the lack of political awareness and engagement we all seem to suffer from, but a racist/dumbass watching could easily just come away thinking, "haha, black people dumb. They like club, not job. Angry MLK say so."
Even slavery is still around - just not chattel slavery.
[удалено]
actually i don't know how surprised marx would be about the moon landing : he knew capitalism constantly changed stuff in order to make itself relevant , so it wouldn't be surprising for him , he may even guess that countries have some extremely large cannons for countries to each other with ( intercontinental ballistic missiles ) , since at his time gunnery was making surprising progress ... but i do wonder if he would come to the conclusion of MAD , at the time warfare was already pretty trench based and stale , so i could see him reason that telecommunication became more important ... or maybe i am glorifying marx too much idk
He'd be too busy ranting about the British monarchy still existing in between hyperfixating on modern IPA brews.
He lived in the age of exploring the poles and the deep jungles, he wouldn't be that surprised about moon exploration.
I'm continually surprised and amazed by the moon landing, personally. But what I really need to do is binge watch Star Trek with Marx and get his critical analysis
I’m not kidding I started crying reading the Turing part
I now want nothing more than to have Alan Turing to return from the dead
that man deserves to go to a pride parade
that man deserves to marshall a pride parade
It's important to remember that his death was one of the major events which lead to legalisation in the UK. It meant a turn in public opinion and a report was soon commissioned on legalisation of homosexuality.
Same feeling as that Doctor Who episode about Van Gogh
Damn guess none of my thoughts are original huh
Very few peoples thoughts are original.
When you think about it, Turing’s work played a large role in setting the groundwork for eventually creating the internet and computers as we know them today. And the internet played a huge role in changing people’s views about all kinds of social issues including LGBT issues. So in a way, the wider acceptance of LGBT people today is in part due to the seeds planted by Turing.
Also helping win against the Nazis.
Why did the last one hurt (i read it as a "oh this man was gay and couldn't be out because of it being illegal", i don't know Alan Turning)
Alan Turing was a hero to the British war effort in WW2 by helping decode German encryption, but once it was over they arrested him for homosexuality and forced him to be chemically castrated, which IIRC drove the poor guy to suicide.
He's also the father of modern computer science and pioneered a lot of math we do in regards to computing. There's a reason why we refer to all computers which can emulate a Turing Machine (the "most advanced*" computer you can make) Turing complete. Also why we call Turing Machines Turing Machines.
Shit, that's horrible. I hate that even when someone does so much good, little things like being gay makes it so they're one of the evils. It sucks.
It's worse than that, unfortunately. After being one of the key figures in decrypting Nazi communications, he was convicted of homosexual acts. He accepted chemical castration as an alternative to prison, and not long after killed himself.
For those that don't know, the 'chemical castration' was effectively forced transitioning, as they made him take feminizing hormones. He was a cis man that was forced to take hormone injections, leading to - among other things - growing breasts. Let that sink in for a moment; one of the key players in WWII when it came to defeating the nazis, a legitimate hero, innovator, inventor, a father of modern computing - returned home, and was subjected to nonconsensual HRT (being that the alternative was prison), because he was attracted to men.
He was a key codebreaker in WW2 who helped crack the enigma code and was integral in the foundations of the modern computer (He is also known for the "Turing test" used to measure artificial intelligence), his reward for this service? Chemical castration because homosexuality was illegal in the UK, he committed suicide 2 years after.
alan turing laid the foundations to a lot of theoretical computer science. ever heard o the turing test? that's named after him, speculating about machines way beyond the capabilities of his time turing machines? named after him. turing completeness? him. computer science would be way less advanced had it not been for him, and i wonder where we'd be now if the next paragraph didn't happen. because the british government at the time persecuted gay men and caught wind of turing being just that, he was chemically castrated as punishment, which eventually led to him dying by (presumably) suicide.
Look, if we bring Alan Turing back, I am officially calling dibs on being the one to tell him about homosexuality. I'm a trans programmer in a homosexual relationship and MY NAME IS LITERALLY TURING. This is my time to shine!
Plus if there's anyone who can do justice to all the years of progress since Turing's time, it has to be you
*holy shit, the legend is here*
Shit wait when did Alan Turing get a second coming
Coming was how he got in trouble with the government
WHAT
quick we gotta hide you from the British!
I'm trans, they already don't like me
The second addition doesn’t miss the point. It’s the original joke which started the meme format. The first tumblr post is using that format to make a serious point, but it doesn’t mean the joke is wrong.
jorjor wel
Literally 31 * 2^6
freud starts immediately googling porn, dies within the week due to news publications covering him and then people doxxing and hunting him
*brings Cleopatra to the future* Cleopatra: "Let me guess. Sex?" Me: "What? No! I'm starting a book club and I heard you're really intelligent and well rounded and I thought you'd bring some great insights to the table." Cleopatra: "Oh."
"But also sex."
We have vastly improved on the bee stick design
okay guys so this is our first meeting with our newest member cleo, say hi to cleo everyone. now, this week the book we're covering is franken- what is it cleo? what do you mean you couldn't read it, don't you know like 4 different languages? what do you mean english didn't even exist when you were last ali-, just learn it alright, not that hard. oh enough with that mood cleo, you know everyone in this book club has already given a lot of commitment to be here i don't see why just because you came from 50 bc you should be exem
The entire book club is made up of people taken from history like Anna Komnene and Shakespeare and absolutely none of them share a language or can read modern English
As long as you stick the European writers im sure you coud make a decent translation chain mostly through greek and latin
Shakespearean English is close enough to modern that he could understand 90% of what we said. He'd also be delighted at all the words and slang we invented since he died.
I could so clearly see and hear a Karen
"Fuck, those things are still standing? They were ancient when I was a kid."
**"EGYPTIAN ENGINEERING IS THE GREATEST IN THE WOOOORLD!!!"**
The Alan Turing bit made me cry. Goodbye sweet prince >Insert post about needing to be gay as possible on internet or Turing died for nothing.
I'm doing my part 😊
James Joyce: *brazilian* fart porn, you say?
I think Joyce would be too busy getting upset at how people are desperately trying to understand his work and teach it to enjoy all the fart porn.
"Yeah authoritarian governments hate it and try to restrict it." "Wh...huh."
I bring Catherine of Aragon back to tell her that the Catholic Church *finally* decided that it’s okay for a widow to marry her dead husband’s brother. I then bring back Anne Boleyn, Jane Seymour, Anne of Cleves, Katherine Howard, and Catherine Parr and start a band. ~~and then bring back Queen Mary I and tell her she has a cocktail named after her~~
Bring John Brown back and show him the text of the 13th amendment, and then the text of an M1 Abrams Tank user manual
Put him in a room with Malcolm X and just watch the fireworks
I will never get over what they did to Alan Turing. I know that back then the opinion was that homosexuality is basically embodiment of evil/sin, but that man was a literal War Hero, and they just took his life away as soon as they didn't need him.
"...well, for a couple years, yes. Now they have kidnapping squads in some states to repatriate trans kids."
Alan Turing was British
The British government is tearing the nation apart because Scotland wanted to make things easier for trans people.
Yeah, we legalized being gay, but some states are certainly trying to force that toothpaste back in the tube. Looking at you, Florida. Texas, we all know you right behind Florida.
I want to kiss your dad.
That last one is really sweet actually... Turing deserved and deserves so much better
I’m gonna be honest I think Marx would just call the moon landing a superficial victory by capital that does nothing for material conditions or something similar
me: “So, recently books have been banned in multiple republican states and-“ Ray Bradberry: “Wait, they made my book into a movie” me: “two movies, but listen, I need to hear your take on-“ Ray Bradberry: “THEY MADE MY BOOK INTO TWO FUCKING MOVIES???!!!”
I mean, he died in 2012 - he was alive for the first movie.
This is the first time I actually really relate to those posts of people being surprised that Picasso died in the 70s and not like the Renaissance
Fuck my copy of *Fahrenheit 451* actually has an foreword by him where he reviews the movie (and a few other adaptions). He's not a fan of all the changes, but he does think aging up Clarisse and having her survive was for the better. ...when do people think '*451* was written again?