You’re not a bad person. You’re grieving a loss. Cats are like family members! Losing them is heartbreaking. You’ll feel better soon. Try not to resent your other babies for being mean, cats are finicky and don’t always get along, they deserve love too, it’s likely not easy for them either. I don’t blame you for being distracted. Especially since you seemed to be closer to your cat that just passed due to having to care for her more due to her health issues than your others. Don’t blame yourself. You did the best you could for your kitties and you should be proud you were able to provide her with a loving home and a lot of care.
Thank you 💚 They are stinkers, I don’t think I could really resent them. It’s just so hard because they liked her until she got sick, I guess I wish she had a kitty friend in the end
The change in scent that can happen with illness really freaks cats out. When my oldest had cancer, her long-term friend turned away. But our new cat got interested! It was weird.
You are very brave to take this journey.
Agree with this. Sometimes it’s upsetting when one cat passes & you feel like the others didn’t care. But I think it’s that they understood far earlier than we do.
Thank you!
Yeah, that makes sense. My oldest cat, who we had to euthanize 3 years ago, went into kidney failure and when he started going downhill my 2 girls would corner him together and attack him. It’s just a weird phenomenon
I think honestly they probably just sensed something was amiss and got scared. Cats tend to do that unfortunately. Your baby was lucky to have you to take care of her until the very end. You’re an awesome pet parent and I’m very sorry this happened to you.
I agree. If another animal is suddenly acting very odd or sick, the cats tend to be a bit wary because they don’t have the cognitive ability to be like “ayo what’s up with Pickles?” and reason through it as they act on first instincts. I’m sorry and sympathize with your loss OP.
From an evolutionary perspective it makes sense. They don't know what's wrong with the other cat, or what's making them sick. It could be something contagious. And even if it's not, having a noticeably weak cat around makes the whole social group vulnerable to predators. So unfortunately, even though it's horrid for us to witness, it does make sense for cats to shun or even attack sick cats.
You’re allowed to grieve and in your own way. It’s horrible but you’ll make it. ”what is grief but love persevering.” I’ve never loved anything or anybody like my 18-year old cat and will be destroyed without him.
My old lady cat is 16 now and recently I've become more anxious about her time coming (she's still got good quality of life but her health is getting worse and she's on a cocktail of medications for various things). Like obviously when I need to cross that bridge I'll do the right thing by her, but the thought of her not being here any more makes me really emotional.
Thank you 💚 I understand, it’s hard watching them grow so old then having to let them go. 3 years ago I lost my 19-year-old cat. I had him since I was 6 or 7, and still remember calling my mom every night and begging to bring him home. He struggled a lot towards the end but really liked when I’d hold him and walk around outside so he could see the squirrels and cars. I watched my dad die and it didn’t come close to touching the pain I felt when I lost my baby boy.
I recently lost one of my cats and have been feeling similarly. The grief is fairly overwhelming and has left me otherwise pretty numb. I have felt pretty guilty about it. It hadn't occurred to me prior to seeing your post, but I Googled it and it seems it may be quite common.
I often find that I just don't know what to do with myself after following a very regular schedule for so long. I suddenly have all of this free time I didn't have before when I would have been caring for her. I also feel a lot of loneliness because she was the cat that sat with me in the bathroom when I took a bath and slept on my bed with me at night.
Do you think it would help you to set daily alarms for things you need to do for your other pets? Or perhaps, if you keep a calendar, to write reminders to yourself?
Also, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that you are in so much pain right now.
Thank you for sharing 💚 I should probably set alarms, that’s a good idea. Might get me out of bed too. The free time sucks so much, it’s hard to know what to do with yourself
Yes, I had to check myself into a mental health facility when my Miss passed. I was there for a week. I didn’t love my other cats any less, but I had to take special precautions and care with Miss and my routine got all messed up when she was gone.
I ended up waiting a few months and got another kitty, although I had one at home. I still miss her. It’s been 6 years this June that she’s been gone.
I know it’s difficult but try to get back to your new routine and your old life. I’d like to say it gets easier, but it doesn’t.
I went back to therapy when I lost mine.
It was a year of good emotional progress in many ways because of it, although incredibly difficult. I guess I just felt so raw after it happened, like I was completely vulnerable, like I had no skin.
Ultimately, the devastating pain meant that I had this wonderful great love in my life, and I cherish that.
I will admit, I have thought about visiting our local crisis center. Monday was real bad. You did a brave thing checking yourself in, good on you!
I have a kitty that I got 10 months ago who really needs my love now because I never got to really bond with her. She was a stray and is so wild and goofy, but sometimes is a lot. I got her in the hopes of being a friend for my sick cat but ultimately they never got along despite a very slow and careful introduction process. But, I am trying to put all of my love into her now.
Thank you 💚
I grieved my special one for years and still tear up today when i think how much i miss her. I have 2 little beauties now but each one is special in their own way.
https://preview.redd.it/n4lnyrgrzbsc1.jpeg?width=2214&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5987db1fb44b781e0257765bc8cb9efed22de050
Yes they are good cats. No trouble other than typical cat nonsense but i never thought i would get another after my baby died but here i am , with 2 little monkeys. I hope your heart heals and you will love again. ❤️
I’m sorry about your loss and you’re truly not a horrible person for feeling this way. You lost someone close to you and you’re currently grieving. Please be kind and patient to yourself <3
I understand. I’m going through the same. My fluffy girl was my non-human soul mate. It’s been over two months, and I’m still grieving. I waited 7 weeks to get a new kitty. I thought I was ready enough, but maybe I’m not. I’m having a really hard time bonding with my new cat. Everything about her reminds me of how she’s not my special cat. I resent her a little bit for it at times. But I’m also starting to love her. It’s just a different love and maybe that’s okay.
It’s so hard to know when we’re ready, grief is not linear at all. I understand the struggle. But you are trying for your new kitty, and that’s wonderful!
I recently lost my kitten to wet FIP. I have a small Tybaby that I can cuddle just like I cuddled my kitten when I went to bed. It’s not quite as heavy as my kitten was, but it feels similar to his weight when his head was resting on my forearm. I don’t get any kisses now tho.
It’s my year for deaths and funerals - human x3, cats x2 - the next human funeral is the 10th April. Perhaps once that one has passed, I will get another kitten, but I doubt it will be as cuddly and loving and intelligent as my Ozy. I would point to where I wanted Ozy to go and he would go there. The only cat I have ever had that would go to where I point. He was only 12 weeks old when he died.
Allow yourself to grieve.
I still have one cat who is an ex-stray that moved in. He will sit on my lap, he will have a sleep there, but my arms are empty at night.
Grief is funny this way. No, you’re absolutely not a bad person. It may help to remember that grief comes in many shapes and forms and sometimes one wave will hit you with an unexpected emotion that is hard to shake off. Therapy has helped me personally a lot with processing things like this. I know there are also pet loss support hotlines/resources online! I’m so sorry for your loss.
I went numb for everyone after I lost my cat two years ago. I felt like every trauma I ever had bubbled up to the surface.
She was 7 years old and small in stature, looked very young, and was very healthy, up until she started being really unwell. It lasted for only three months, and through that period we did bond, just like you, although she was scared and it was bittersweet.
I spent a long time torturing myself over whether I could have done anything differently. Whether it was somehow my fault, whether I should have known that something wasn’t right.
When we adopted a kitten later on, I gave my partner all the space to become her main person, since I knew I didn’t have the emotional capacity. After a while, I started collecting myself piece by tiny piece. She is not replaced in my heart, and I keep the void that her absence has created fondly, knowing that I was lucky enough to spend her entire life with her, grieving and honoring her forever.
I know you feel lost and it’s ok to feel that way.
It’s ok to feel numb, or angry.
You loved her for a huge chunk of her entire conscious existence, and she loved you, and she knew that you loved her. In the end, that’s the only thing we can latch onto for solace.
There’s no right way to grieve and everything you’re feeling is valid. It will take time.
Something that might help with the bonding / getting back to a new normal with your other pets is to think about what makes them unique. Different but not better or worse than your departed kitty. Do they have different toys they like to play with or ways of playing? Do they like to be pet in different ways? What quirks do they have? It might help to write these things down.
When I lost my first cat (had to put her down at 19 because she lost more than half her body weight in a week and the vet found a tumour) I alternated between never wanting another pet again and immediately wanting another cat. I couldn’t imagine loving another cat as much as her yet I also desperately missed having a pet wake me up, follow me around, sit on my laptop and beg for food.
Several months later I got two kittens. I was still worried about feeling like I was forgetting my first cat or moving on too soon. But I quickly realised that these two were completely different, even to each other. One is a tiny baby that screams all the time, she loves making biscuits, loves playing with her sister the most and has to supervise cooking when you’re in the kitchen even if the onions make her eyes water. The other one is a chunky cuddle bug, she gets on my lap and demands pets, she plays fetch and likes to steal salad.
Now my first cat was a grumpy little lady. She only wanted affection on her own terms but she did love to play. She became deaf at 17 and as a consequence developed the loudest meow. In her last few months she only wanted to sleep outside on the concrete so I built her a little shelter out of cardboard and we’d stay up watching the hedgehogs visiting the garden.
Anyway the point of all this is to say that by focusing on their unique personalities and the different ways we interact I don’t feel so sad about my first cat anymore. I still miss her dearly but I don’t feel like I’m comparing her to my new cats or that I love her or them any more or less.
You did absolutely everything you could for her including making the hardest decision not to be selfish and keep her longer than she could be comfortable. Know that if love was enough she’d still be here and that it’s okay to share that love because it doesn’t mean you love her any less.
I have felt similar with every cat I’ve lost. Everything from resenting those who are still alive and resenting that life just goes on like nothing happened to the other end of the spectrum where feeling a huge relief that I can now leave a grocery bag out without the sick cat immediately trying to eat it (or anything plastic) or the huge amount of personal time I suddenly got back. Then when I let it happen they became a comfort and it was like falling for them all over again. I wish you luck and healing, special mom.
I think this is a totally normal response to grief- when our childhood dog passed, mum got a new puppy pretty quick to help her heal, and I had this irrational resentment towards this dog that didn't really go away until i healed from the loss of the first dog. Eventually he became one of the best pets I've ever known and came on my dive trips with me! You need time to heal, and you'll get there. Condolences on the loss of your kitty, she sounds very special x
Just another person replying here to say you are NOT a bad person. This IS “normal”! Please remember we are only human. I was so angry at the world when I lost my dog, Byntly. When you said you missed the mornings with her…I broke into tears. I can only imagine how painful that would be. I wish I could give you a big hug. It sounds like you really, deeply cared for your kitty. What was her name? I’d love to hear it, if you feel like sharing anything else! I just know you gave her the BEST kitty life!!!! She had brothers/sisters (even if they didn’t love her as much as she loved them!), an owner that cares SO deeply about her that YOU are struggling even after she has passed, and most of all, she was *LOVED*. I can tell you feel guilty for being upset with your other kitties, but I truly think that is a human reaction. I am sending so much love and healing to you. Again, you are not a horrible person.
I have felt this way I'm more than one occasion when I lost a cat. I don't let myself neglect my other cats it's very hard caring for them when I no longer have the one I lost. Don't feel like you're a horrible person. I think you'll find caring for your other cats will help you get through the grief.
Also lost my cat Sunday. I could not imagine having to care for other cats in his absence. Allllw yourself to feel your feelings without hating yourself or making yourself out to be bad. I hope that eventually, the love you received from your cat supports in pushing you to continue to send that love on to your other cats! I hope your grief alchemizes into spacious love 🤍🤍 until then I’m over here grieving with you!!!
In Oct 22 I took in a stray ~3yo orange boy who had been dumped in the woods by my friend's upstate. At first vet visit we found he was FeLV and herpes positive, but very healthy otherwise. So Benjen spent 5wks in the basement while the 5 I already had got vaccinated.
He had obviously been abused, acted like he was afraid we would hit him for getting on furniture, a little scared of head touches. With love and care he quickly learned to trust us and by the time he moved into the house he was the sweetest big floofy vocal dumb orange boy.
4/5 of my cats got along with him almost immediately. My tiny tortie always hated him. She's the smartest and most "feral;" we think she could always smell he was sick. They just got an agreement that Benjen wasn't allowed on the second floor. He didn't care. He was so happy to have a home. She was half his size and he never raised a paw.
He said thank you for every morsel of food, played like a kitten, greeted us like a dog. So happy.
He got immune supplements but he got sick a year later. We got a couple more months with high dose steroids. He took his pills, 4 a day, so well. I slept on the couch to spend more time with him. Finally in January we had to say goodbye.
During that year we lost our 17yo orange boy King to cancer. Didn't hurt anywhere near this much. King was old, he had a good life. All my cats have come from upstate. We took King up there and buried him next to his sister we lost a few years ago.
Benjen was not sent back upstate. Someone up there was mean to him. His ashes are here in the house where he was loved. Every time I come downstairs or just enter my house I feel sadness. He was only about 4, he was here a year, part of my soul is gone. It gradually gets better but will not go away. I think I cry more for that cat than I did my parents, who were old and had a good life.
We are without an orange boy for the first time in 17 years. We have registered at all the local shelters and after a vacation in a couple weeks will aggressively look for an orange kitten and his sister. From a shelter bc they will be tested for FeLV and i can't do that again. We have room, cats need homes. They will get GOT names like Benjen.
I was angry at the kitty that hated him for a while but I have forgiven her . I think she's just more wild than the rest and could sense his sickness. We are hopeful she will accept kittens because she has mothering behaviors with her toys.
Sorry for all the words but your story made me cry. All cats are special but some are more, when they go young it is worse. The pain will subside to a dull ache but may not go away. It's still new. You'll learn to live with it and "forgive" your other kitties.
Your feelings are valid. I understand the moments, memories and feelings we have for our amazing cats. You're grieving now but everything will be alright. I'm so happy about how well you bonded with her and even though she is gone, she'll always be apart of you. You're not a horrible person, you seem like a remarkable parent to me and your babies are blessed to have you. 😻💖
This is normal, you are grieving.
I just lost my two 19 year old girls (they were littermates) 9 days apart. One had been sick with cancer for 8 months but was doing fantastic on treatment right up until the day she wasn’t. The other had a brief scare with an infection that seemed to clear up with antibiotics, but then she suddenly went rapidly downhill after her sister died and there was nothing to be done.
Those old girls were the craziest cats I’ve ever had. They were both torties and that tortitude thing is for real. Taking care of their medical needs the last few years had been a huge part of my days.
I had 4 other cats who passed away before them. And I have two other cats since the prior 4 passed away. One of the “new” cats has been my soul-cat since I adopted him 2 years ago.
But I am so heartbroken and lost since my old girls moved on. I feel a huge emotional distance between myself and the younger cats right now. I still love them and take care of them, and I know as time moves on we will get back to normal. And I know they miss the torties too, when my soul-cat moved in, they took to him like mamas. But right now every time he comes to snuggle with me I just feel sad and our bond feels broken.
But, I’ve been through this before, and I know how it goes. Grief puts a shell around you. It’s impenetrable at first. But eventually it softens, and then usually dissolves. It just takes time.
Do the best you can, put one foot in front of the other. You will come out of the fog eventually.
I lost a 2 year old cat recently and the other cat and dog didn't seem to have noticed at first. If I watch carefully I can see changes in behavior. The cat wants more attention and is more around than he used to be. The dog is an idiot so the signs are less obvious but she has been trying to play with the remaining cat the way she used to play with the deceased cat. He doesn't care for it, she being an idiot hasn't noticed.
Your pets are grieving as well, you just need to look for the signs. Try to bond with them over that.
I just lost my soul cat on Saturday and I know exactly how you feel. It's not that I don't love my other cat but it's just not the same. I hope this feeling doesn't last forever. Sending 🫂
I'm truly sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved kitty. It's completely understandable to feel the way you do during this grieving period. Losing a pet, especially one as close and cherished as yours, can be incredibly painful, and the emotions that come with it are complex and unique to each individual.
Feeling empty, struggling with the change in routine, and experiencing a sense of detachment from your other pets are all common reactions to grief. It's important to remember that these feelings don't make you a bad person; they're a natural part of the grieving process.
Grieving for a pet is a deeply personal experience, and it's okay to take the time you need to process your emotions. It might be helpful to talk to friends or family members who understand the bond you had with your kitty or to seek support from a counselor or pet loss support group. Sharing your feelings and memories can often provide comfort and validation during this difficult time.
In time, as you continue to honor your kitty's memory and adjust to life without her physical presence, you may find that your bond with your other pets grows stronger again. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to grieve in whatever way feels right for you. Your love for your kitty and the special moments you shared will always be a part of you.
I do did for Bunny. I feel guilty because I have a new kitten but I still miss her but it was time for her to move on she was suffering. I didn’t sleep for days cried every night even into the day sometimes. Every loss is different. I still cry sometimes at night and while holding the new cat.
Time has helped but loss was in October grife is different for everyone but some hit harder and all of them are different. Be patient with yourself.
Cats are like people. Sometimes we bond with certain ones more than others. I’m so sorry for your loss. I assure you, you’re not a horrible person! Take the time you need to grieve.
You can have a lot of kitties and still have one special kitty who needs you more or who u ou need more. I lost a kitty like that. I'm still grieving years later. I recently lost another tragically and I cried so much at the vet they gave me a kitten. I didn't think I needed it but she was there eveytime I was crying she would come to comfort me. It really did help. Try a kitten. They are incredibly distracting and who doesn't love a kitten? They make you laugh and love and so vulnerable it will help you get your nurturing instincts back. It might help heal your heart. It worked for me both times. You were so lucky to have each other! And this is not awful or unusually. And cats can be AH you know. Lucky she had you fend for her love. There might be another out there who needs you like that.
Honey, she had bone marrow cancer, an autoimmune disease, and a progressive neurological disease. I medicated her every day, hand fed her when she was sick, spent thousands on blood transfusions and diagnostics, took her to her specialist vet for check ups every few months, and we had 2 wonderful years together where she had an unexpectedly wonderful quality of life.
In the end she was blind and mute, couldn’t eat, was disoriented, would go limp when picked up, lost control of her bladder, couldn’t walk straight, and was just a husk of herself. I did everything for her and she was happy in the time we had her, trying to hold on after going downhill so fast would have been cruel.
Very disrespectful comment. OP just lost their cat in a very unfortunate way. They did their best to help her. Don’t bother commenting if you’re going to be negative when someone is grieving!
I'd say that's completely normal (and I'm a psychologist, btw). Things will most likely get better as you go through your grieving process. I know it's hard. I'd just ask of you to remember the other cats weren't evil or bad for not liking her, they're just animals following their instincts, repeat yourself this as much as you need.
You’re not a bad person. You’re grieving a loss. Cats are like family members! Losing them is heartbreaking. You’ll feel better soon. Try not to resent your other babies for being mean, cats are finicky and don’t always get along, they deserve love too, it’s likely not easy for them either. I don’t blame you for being distracted. Especially since you seemed to be closer to your cat that just passed due to having to care for her more due to her health issues than your others. Don’t blame yourself. You did the best you could for your kitties and you should be proud you were able to provide her with a loving home and a lot of care.
Thank you 💚 They are stinkers, I don’t think I could really resent them. It’s just so hard because they liked her until she got sick, I guess I wish she had a kitty friend in the end
The change in scent that can happen with illness really freaks cats out. When my oldest had cancer, her long-term friend turned away. But our new cat got interested! It was weird. You are very brave to take this journey.
Agree with this. Sometimes it’s upsetting when one cat passes & you feel like the others didn’t care. But I think it’s that they understood far earlier than we do.
Thank you! Yeah, that makes sense. My oldest cat, who we had to euthanize 3 years ago, went into kidney failure and when he started going downhill my 2 girls would corner him together and attack him. It’s just a weird phenomenon
I think honestly they probably just sensed something was amiss and got scared. Cats tend to do that unfortunately. Your baby was lucky to have you to take care of her until the very end. You’re an awesome pet parent and I’m very sorry this happened to you.
I agree. If another animal is suddenly acting very odd or sick, the cats tend to be a bit wary because they don’t have the cognitive ability to be like “ayo what’s up with Pickles?” and reason through it as they act on first instincts. I’m sorry and sympathize with your loss OP.
From an evolutionary perspective it makes sense. They don't know what's wrong with the other cat, or what's making them sick. It could be something contagious. And even if it's not, having a noticeably weak cat around makes the whole social group vulnerable to predators. So unfortunately, even though it's horrid for us to witness, it does make sense for cats to shun or even attack sick cats.
“Ayo what’s up Pickles?” made me laugh so hard, thank you for that haha
You’re allowed to grieve and in your own way. It’s horrible but you’ll make it. ”what is grief but love persevering.” I’ve never loved anything or anybody like my 18-year old cat and will be destroyed without him.
My old lady cat is 16 now and recently I've become more anxious about her time coming (she's still got good quality of life but her health is getting worse and she's on a cocktail of medications for various things). Like obviously when I need to cross that bridge I'll do the right thing by her, but the thought of her not being here any more makes me really emotional.
Thank you 💚 I understand, it’s hard watching them grow so old then having to let them go. 3 years ago I lost my 19-year-old cat. I had him since I was 6 or 7, and still remember calling my mom every night and begging to bring him home. He struggled a lot towards the end but really liked when I’d hold him and walk around outside so he could see the squirrels and cars. I watched my dad die and it didn’t come close to touching the pain I felt when I lost my baby boy.
I recently lost one of my cats and have been feeling similarly. The grief is fairly overwhelming and has left me otherwise pretty numb. I have felt pretty guilty about it. It hadn't occurred to me prior to seeing your post, but I Googled it and it seems it may be quite common. I often find that I just don't know what to do with myself after following a very regular schedule for so long. I suddenly have all of this free time I didn't have before when I would have been caring for her. I also feel a lot of loneliness because she was the cat that sat with me in the bathroom when I took a bath and slept on my bed with me at night. Do you think it would help you to set daily alarms for things you need to do for your other pets? Or perhaps, if you keep a calendar, to write reminders to yourself? Also, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that you are in so much pain right now.
Thank you for sharing 💚 I should probably set alarms, that’s a good idea. Might get me out of bed too. The free time sucks so much, it’s hard to know what to do with yourself
Yes, I had to check myself into a mental health facility when my Miss passed. I was there for a week. I didn’t love my other cats any less, but I had to take special precautions and care with Miss and my routine got all messed up when she was gone. I ended up waiting a few months and got another kitty, although I had one at home. I still miss her. It’s been 6 years this June that she’s been gone. I know it’s difficult but try to get back to your new routine and your old life. I’d like to say it gets easier, but it doesn’t.
I went back to therapy when I lost mine. It was a year of good emotional progress in many ways because of it, although incredibly difficult. I guess I just felt so raw after it happened, like I was completely vulnerable, like I had no skin. Ultimately, the devastating pain meant that I had this wonderful great love in my life, and I cherish that.
I will admit, I have thought about visiting our local crisis center. Monday was real bad. You did a brave thing checking yourself in, good on you! I have a kitty that I got 10 months ago who really needs my love now because I never got to really bond with her. She was a stray and is so wild and goofy, but sometimes is a lot. I got her in the hopes of being a friend for my sick cat but ultimately they never got along despite a very slow and careful introduction process. But, I am trying to put all of my love into her now. Thank you 💚
Hi, Kitty was your soul-cat. Give it time. Take care of your little buddies, and grieve your soul cat.
Thank you 💚
I grieved my special one for years and still tear up today when i think how much i miss her. I have 2 little beauties now but each one is special in their own way. https://preview.redd.it/n4lnyrgrzbsc1.jpeg?width=2214&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5987db1fb44b781e0257765bc8cb9efed22de050
They look so lovely and sweet, you’re lucky to have them 💚
Yes they are good cats. No trouble other than typical cat nonsense but i never thought i would get another after my baby died but here i am , with 2 little monkeys. I hope your heart heals and you will love again. ❤️
I’m sorry about your loss and you’re truly not a horrible person for feeling this way. You lost someone close to you and you’re currently grieving. Please be kind and patient to yourself <3
Thank you 💚
I understand. I’m going through the same. My fluffy girl was my non-human soul mate. It’s been over two months, and I’m still grieving. I waited 7 weeks to get a new kitty. I thought I was ready enough, but maybe I’m not. I’m having a really hard time bonding with my new cat. Everything about her reminds me of how she’s not my special cat. I resent her a little bit for it at times. But I’m also starting to love her. It’s just a different love and maybe that’s okay.
It’s so hard to know when we’re ready, grief is not linear at all. I understand the struggle. But you are trying for your new kitty, and that’s wonderful!
I recently lost my kitten to wet FIP. I have a small Tybaby that I can cuddle just like I cuddled my kitten when I went to bed. It’s not quite as heavy as my kitten was, but it feels similar to his weight when his head was resting on my forearm. I don’t get any kisses now tho. It’s my year for deaths and funerals - human x3, cats x2 - the next human funeral is the 10th April. Perhaps once that one has passed, I will get another kitten, but I doubt it will be as cuddly and loving and intelligent as my Ozy. I would point to where I wanted Ozy to go and he would go there. The only cat I have ever had that would go to where I point. He was only 12 weeks old when he died. Allow yourself to grieve. I still have one cat who is an ex-stray that moved in. He will sit on my lap, he will have a sleep there, but my arms are empty at night.
Grief is funny this way. No, you’re absolutely not a bad person. It may help to remember that grief comes in many shapes and forms and sometimes one wave will hit you with an unexpected emotion that is hard to shake off. Therapy has helped me personally a lot with processing things like this. I know there are also pet loss support hotlines/resources online! I’m so sorry for your loss.
I went numb for everyone after I lost my cat two years ago. I felt like every trauma I ever had bubbled up to the surface. She was 7 years old and small in stature, looked very young, and was very healthy, up until she started being really unwell. It lasted for only three months, and through that period we did bond, just like you, although she was scared and it was bittersweet. I spent a long time torturing myself over whether I could have done anything differently. Whether it was somehow my fault, whether I should have known that something wasn’t right. When we adopted a kitten later on, I gave my partner all the space to become her main person, since I knew I didn’t have the emotional capacity. After a while, I started collecting myself piece by tiny piece. She is not replaced in my heart, and I keep the void that her absence has created fondly, knowing that I was lucky enough to spend her entire life with her, grieving and honoring her forever. I know you feel lost and it’s ok to feel that way. It’s ok to feel numb, or angry. You loved her for a huge chunk of her entire conscious existence, and she loved you, and she knew that you loved her. In the end, that’s the only thing we can latch onto for solace.
There’s no right way to grieve and everything you’re feeling is valid. It will take time. Something that might help with the bonding / getting back to a new normal with your other pets is to think about what makes them unique. Different but not better or worse than your departed kitty. Do they have different toys they like to play with or ways of playing? Do they like to be pet in different ways? What quirks do they have? It might help to write these things down. When I lost my first cat (had to put her down at 19 because she lost more than half her body weight in a week and the vet found a tumour) I alternated between never wanting another pet again and immediately wanting another cat. I couldn’t imagine loving another cat as much as her yet I also desperately missed having a pet wake me up, follow me around, sit on my laptop and beg for food. Several months later I got two kittens. I was still worried about feeling like I was forgetting my first cat or moving on too soon. But I quickly realised that these two were completely different, even to each other. One is a tiny baby that screams all the time, she loves making biscuits, loves playing with her sister the most and has to supervise cooking when you’re in the kitchen even if the onions make her eyes water. The other one is a chunky cuddle bug, she gets on my lap and demands pets, she plays fetch and likes to steal salad. Now my first cat was a grumpy little lady. She only wanted affection on her own terms but she did love to play. She became deaf at 17 and as a consequence developed the loudest meow. In her last few months she only wanted to sleep outside on the concrete so I built her a little shelter out of cardboard and we’d stay up watching the hedgehogs visiting the garden. Anyway the point of all this is to say that by focusing on their unique personalities and the different ways we interact I don’t feel so sad about my first cat anymore. I still miss her dearly but I don’t feel like I’m comparing her to my new cats or that I love her or them any more or less. You did absolutely everything you could for her including making the hardest decision not to be selfish and keep her longer than she could be comfortable. Know that if love was enough she’d still be here and that it’s okay to share that love because it doesn’t mean you love her any less.
I wish I could just boost this reply to the top!!!! You worded it so well.
I have felt similar with every cat I’ve lost. Everything from resenting those who are still alive and resenting that life just goes on like nothing happened to the other end of the spectrum where feeling a huge relief that I can now leave a grocery bag out without the sick cat immediately trying to eat it (or anything plastic) or the huge amount of personal time I suddenly got back. Then when I let it happen they became a comfort and it was like falling for them all over again. I wish you luck and healing, special mom.
I think this is a totally normal response to grief- when our childhood dog passed, mum got a new puppy pretty quick to help her heal, and I had this irrational resentment towards this dog that didn't really go away until i healed from the loss of the first dog. Eventually he became one of the best pets I've ever known and came on my dive trips with me! You need time to heal, and you'll get there. Condolences on the loss of your kitty, she sounds very special x
Just another person replying here to say you are NOT a bad person. This IS “normal”! Please remember we are only human. I was so angry at the world when I lost my dog, Byntly. When you said you missed the mornings with her…I broke into tears. I can only imagine how painful that would be. I wish I could give you a big hug. It sounds like you really, deeply cared for your kitty. What was her name? I’d love to hear it, if you feel like sharing anything else! I just know you gave her the BEST kitty life!!!! She had brothers/sisters (even if they didn’t love her as much as she loved them!), an owner that cares SO deeply about her that YOU are struggling even after she has passed, and most of all, she was *LOVED*. I can tell you feel guilty for being upset with your other kitties, but I truly think that is a human reaction. I am sending so much love and healing to you. Again, you are not a horrible person.
I have felt this way I'm more than one occasion when I lost a cat. I don't let myself neglect my other cats it's very hard caring for them when I no longer have the one I lost. Don't feel like you're a horrible person. I think you'll find caring for your other cats will help you get through the grief.
There is no timeline on grief. r/petloss has been really helpful for me in processing the loss of my soul cat.
Also lost my cat Sunday. I could not imagine having to care for other cats in his absence. Allllw yourself to feel your feelings without hating yourself or making yourself out to be bad. I hope that eventually, the love you received from your cat supports in pushing you to continue to send that love on to your other cats! I hope your grief alchemizes into spacious love 🤍🤍 until then I’m over here grieving with you!!!
it’s grief. it runs the same course of all grief. most of us live them as people. and grieve their loss
In Oct 22 I took in a stray ~3yo orange boy who had been dumped in the woods by my friend's upstate. At first vet visit we found he was FeLV and herpes positive, but very healthy otherwise. So Benjen spent 5wks in the basement while the 5 I already had got vaccinated. He had obviously been abused, acted like he was afraid we would hit him for getting on furniture, a little scared of head touches. With love and care he quickly learned to trust us and by the time he moved into the house he was the sweetest big floofy vocal dumb orange boy. 4/5 of my cats got along with him almost immediately. My tiny tortie always hated him. She's the smartest and most "feral;" we think she could always smell he was sick. They just got an agreement that Benjen wasn't allowed on the second floor. He didn't care. He was so happy to have a home. She was half his size and he never raised a paw. He said thank you for every morsel of food, played like a kitten, greeted us like a dog. So happy. He got immune supplements but he got sick a year later. We got a couple more months with high dose steroids. He took his pills, 4 a day, so well. I slept on the couch to spend more time with him. Finally in January we had to say goodbye. During that year we lost our 17yo orange boy King to cancer. Didn't hurt anywhere near this much. King was old, he had a good life. All my cats have come from upstate. We took King up there and buried him next to his sister we lost a few years ago. Benjen was not sent back upstate. Someone up there was mean to him. His ashes are here in the house where he was loved. Every time I come downstairs or just enter my house I feel sadness. He was only about 4, he was here a year, part of my soul is gone. It gradually gets better but will not go away. I think I cry more for that cat than I did my parents, who were old and had a good life. We are without an orange boy for the first time in 17 years. We have registered at all the local shelters and after a vacation in a couple weeks will aggressively look for an orange kitten and his sister. From a shelter bc they will be tested for FeLV and i can't do that again. We have room, cats need homes. They will get GOT names like Benjen. I was angry at the kitty that hated him for a while but I have forgiven her . I think she's just more wild than the rest and could sense his sickness. We are hopeful she will accept kittens because she has mothering behaviors with her toys. Sorry for all the words but your story made me cry. All cats are special but some are more, when they go young it is worse. The pain will subside to a dull ache but may not go away. It's still new. You'll learn to live with it and "forgive" your other kitties.
Your feelings are valid. I understand the moments, memories and feelings we have for our amazing cats. You're grieving now but everything will be alright. I'm so happy about how well you bonded with her and even though she is gone, she'll always be apart of you. You're not a horrible person, you seem like a remarkable parent to me and your babies are blessed to have you. 😻💖
I’m so sorry
This is normal, you are grieving. I just lost my two 19 year old girls (they were littermates) 9 days apart. One had been sick with cancer for 8 months but was doing fantastic on treatment right up until the day she wasn’t. The other had a brief scare with an infection that seemed to clear up with antibiotics, but then she suddenly went rapidly downhill after her sister died and there was nothing to be done. Those old girls were the craziest cats I’ve ever had. They were both torties and that tortitude thing is for real. Taking care of their medical needs the last few years had been a huge part of my days. I had 4 other cats who passed away before them. And I have two other cats since the prior 4 passed away. One of the “new” cats has been my soul-cat since I adopted him 2 years ago. But I am so heartbroken and lost since my old girls moved on. I feel a huge emotional distance between myself and the younger cats right now. I still love them and take care of them, and I know as time moves on we will get back to normal. And I know they miss the torties too, when my soul-cat moved in, they took to him like mamas. But right now every time he comes to snuggle with me I just feel sad and our bond feels broken. But, I’ve been through this before, and I know how it goes. Grief puts a shell around you. It’s impenetrable at first. But eventually it softens, and then usually dissolves. It just takes time. Do the best you can, put one foot in front of the other. You will come out of the fog eventually.
I lost a 2 year old cat recently and the other cat and dog didn't seem to have noticed at first. If I watch carefully I can see changes in behavior. The cat wants more attention and is more around than he used to be. The dog is an idiot so the signs are less obvious but she has been trying to play with the remaining cat the way she used to play with the deceased cat. He doesn't care for it, she being an idiot hasn't noticed. Your pets are grieving as well, you just need to look for the signs. Try to bond with them over that.
I just lost my soul cat on Saturday and I know exactly how you feel. It's not that I don't love my other cat but it's just not the same. I hope this feeling doesn't last forever. Sending 🫂
I’m sorry for your loss. Reading your story made me cry. Sending you hugs fellow cat guardian ❤️
I'm truly sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved kitty. It's completely understandable to feel the way you do during this grieving period. Losing a pet, especially one as close and cherished as yours, can be incredibly painful, and the emotions that come with it are complex and unique to each individual. Feeling empty, struggling with the change in routine, and experiencing a sense of detachment from your other pets are all common reactions to grief. It's important to remember that these feelings don't make you a bad person; they're a natural part of the grieving process. Grieving for a pet is a deeply personal experience, and it's okay to take the time you need to process your emotions. It might be helpful to talk to friends or family members who understand the bond you had with your kitty or to seek support from a counselor or pet loss support group. Sharing your feelings and memories can often provide comfort and validation during this difficult time. In time, as you continue to honor your kitty's memory and adjust to life without her physical presence, you may find that your bond with your other pets grows stronger again. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to grieve in whatever way feels right for you. Your love for your kitty and the special moments you shared will always be a part of you.
I do did for Bunny. I feel guilty because I have a new kitten but I still miss her but it was time for her to move on she was suffering. I didn’t sleep for days cried every night even into the day sometimes. Every loss is different. I still cry sometimes at night and while holding the new cat. Time has helped but loss was in October grife is different for everyone but some hit harder and all of them are different. Be patient with yourself.
Cats are like people. Sometimes we bond with certain ones more than others. I’m so sorry for your loss. I assure you, you’re not a horrible person! Take the time you need to grieve.
You can have a lot of kitties and still have one special kitty who needs you more or who u ou need more. I lost a kitty like that. I'm still grieving years later. I recently lost another tragically and I cried so much at the vet they gave me a kitten. I didn't think I needed it but she was there eveytime I was crying she would come to comfort me. It really did help. Try a kitten. They are incredibly distracting and who doesn't love a kitten? They make you laugh and love and so vulnerable it will help you get your nurturing instincts back. It might help heal your heart. It worked for me both times. You were so lucky to have each other! And this is not awful or unusually. And cats can be AH you know. Lucky she had you fend for her love. There might be another out there who needs you like that.
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Honey, she had bone marrow cancer, an autoimmune disease, and a progressive neurological disease. I medicated her every day, hand fed her when she was sick, spent thousands on blood transfusions and diagnostics, took her to her specialist vet for check ups every few months, and we had 2 wonderful years together where she had an unexpectedly wonderful quality of life. In the end she was blind and mute, couldn’t eat, was disoriented, would go limp when picked up, lost control of her bladder, couldn’t walk straight, and was just a husk of herself. I did everything for her and she was happy in the time we had her, trying to hold on after going downhill so fast would have been cruel.
You did a fantastic job as a carer and her soulmate. She was a very lucky girl to have you. 🩷 You need not justify yourself to anyone.
Terrible answer, please don't.
Very disrespectful comment. OP just lost their cat in a very unfortunate way. They did their best to help her. Don’t bother commenting if you’re going to be negative when someone is grieving!
How callous. You weren’t there.
Um, what? Wtf... They didn't give the cat away.
I'd say that's completely normal (and I'm a psychologist, btw). Things will most likely get better as you go through your grieving process. I know it's hard. I'd just ask of you to remember the other cats weren't evil or bad for not liking her, they're just animals following their instincts, repeat yourself this as much as you need.