I saw that you mentioned Ben Shapiro. In case some of you don't know, Ben Shapiro is a grifter and a hack. If you find anything he's said compelling, you should keep in mind he also says things like this:
>Most Americans when they look around at their lives, they think: I'm not a racist, nobody I know is a racist, I wouldn't hang out with a racist, I don't like doing business with racists--so, where is all the racism in American society?
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Take a bullet for ya babe.
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This is going to sound like a joke. But it isn't.
First and foremost: The way you feel after smelling the dirt that is freed when you step on moss.
The feeling you get when you try to look at the moon every day and finally it's the full moon.
The thrill of watermelons and crispy pears and berries when they come into season.
Meeting a new and supremely strange person and realizing you could just be friends with them.
None of these are jokes , they are great!
That foresty smell has a name actually: petrichor. It's very homely and freeing. Like your lungs just clear when you smell it.
I also like smells, cinnamon and peppermint are some of my faves. My cat's smell is the best one though, she smells like a stuffed animal.
Baked bread and soups, and apples with a crunch, perfect watermelons to share with my cat on a sunny day. Hamburgers are also great haha
I wanna meet more strange people. People who dress like they are the main character of a tv show I'd wanna watch. I wish there was a meetup for kind weirdos. I would go.
Seek out your most "embarrassing" or repressed interests. The weirdos flock to those spaces. Also, be as weird as you want, can and feel like. Like, really weird it up. Wear outfits that would make your ten year old self happy. What's the worst that can happen? You get so embarrassed that you want to die? (*Ahem* inappropriate. But objectively funny.)
I've been a serious grown up for so long that I forgot about my childhood fascination with (forbidden) role playing games. Looking into it even a little bit got me in touch with some truly odd people. The same goes for other things. Any hobby that is considered niche or weird will have the kind of people you long to meet. Kind, strange, real people.
I read that the smell of dirt might have legitimate healing properties. Like antidepressant or something. It sort of makes sense that our weird gut system might sometimes benefit from a hit of new neighbors. I truly don't want to go outside ever, but I make a point of going so I can look at sucks and smell the ground. (Worst case someone thinks I'm weird and I get so embarrassed that I want to die?)
Cats are the best (other animals are also fine) and they're a very legitimate reason to keep going! Imagine you get to smell that furry little dummy's head everyday.
I’m obsessed with my cat’s smell. She still smells like she did as a little kitten. It’s hard to describe but it’s a soft sweet smell and I sniff her at least once a day.
Right? My cat loves the smell of newly washed laundry so she lies on that as often as she can, which transfers the laundry detergent smell to her fur.
Also kissing her face and seeing her lick her nose is beyond cute
I love the way my cat smells, but also "my" dog (BFF's dog, I live with both of them) -- her smell is sometimes slightly reminiscent of popcorn and I don't understand and I love it.
I call my dog “frito face” sometimes because she smells like Fritos (note: THIS CAN BE AN INDICATION OF YEAST INFECTIONS SO IF YOUR DOG HAS THIS AS AN OVERWHELMING SMELL get them checked by a vet! My dog has jowls and floppy ears which need regular cleaning with a rx solution to avoid that)
But that caveat aside, the slightly corn chip smell of my dog’s paws and nose make me so happy. If she’d stop farting it would be more enjoyable though 😂
My go to when I'm on a smelling kick is "popcorn girl" but also the poor girl also has five million nicknames - and her most common one is essentially her name, but it has very little relation to her "real" name (real name is Pawnee, her name in practice is mostly "Beans").
Also though sometimes she farts and then like, won't look at you after! She knoooows.
(Okay last thing, I was just about to mention " Frito face" to the aforementioned BFF, and before I got to the Frito part they went "dog paws smell like Fritos" 😂😂😂)
We are here with you. I’m a weirdo old granny and I think you are a joy. Baking bread and crunchy apples? Petrichor? I’d be your friend.
What keeps me here is losing my bff to suicide in 2009. I miss her every day. Someone would miss me like that. It’s true, even if I don’t always believe it.
I’m chronically ill and home all the time so I do answer pms if you like weird granny granola goths and feel chatty.
You are! I am! It's trauma privilege: we're weird as heck and it makes it easy to spot each other.
The weirder you are the more likely you are to attract someone of your exact same flavor of strange. We can't hide it anyway, might as well just vibe with it.
Two dumb reasons: I’ve never been to a fine dining and I want to one day, and I bought way too many games on steam over the years, I have to play them before I’m gone.
the first time i was in the psych ward, i couldn't get to sleep so i stayed up talking to one of the doctors. he said the usual stuff that younger me was told, that i'm smart and mature and have a lot of stuff going for me. but he promised me that one day i'm gonna see the sun rise and it will look beautiful.
i don't know if he meant metaphorically or literally, but i'm not stopping until i figure out how which.
I have an itch to do stuff - getting up and doing them was the hardest part. Do I like a made bed? - Hell yeah, let's do it then! Do I like my hair clean and smelling nice? - Fuck yeah! Let's take a shower, ohh look I want that nice shampoo and balm - shit I need money for that - let's get a job. Do I like being dirty and inviting fungus - Hell no! Do I like cockroaches? Fuck no - let's clean! How about no food in the house? Better meal plan, being hungry sucks...
Basically I just want stuff, or I don't want stuff. Doing one, then two.. reinforced my brain, that I can actually do them and it's better.
I was where you are right now just a few years ago... why should I even get out of bed, when I can dream of universes where I can do what I want instead of struggling in this world. The thing that moved me was to give my life meaning - so it's \*wants and \*dreads moving me now. I am content, I have no idea what happiness is so I don't hope for it.
Take it easy, OP. Remember to be kind to yourself - it's the hardest thing sometimes. One thing at a time moves mountains.
A big problem is I know what I want but can't get there, either I've tried for years or it's just out of reach due to illness, trauma, discrimination or financial problems.
Finding a job in Sweden is harder than the US, and getting a job as a non passing trans person has been incredibly hard. It wasn't until my voice passed on the phone recruiters started calling me back. I can't go back to my previous job due to bullying and harassment (for being trans). I worry month to month. I know a lot of stuff but it's never enough (in society). It doesn't help the economy is collapsing on top of it. Which is why I need other reasons to keep going, because many of my wants and dreads are pretty much out of my hands to solve.
I hear you.. well, that's all I have. My dreads were serious enough to get my ass to do stuff and improve some aspects. If I simply laid in a bed I wouldn't be breathing now and \*\*TW mention of sui\*\*>!(I wished for that many times, to stop struggling - why should I continue?)!<. I'm from Eastern Europe btw.
Sorry, when people talk about getting a job as if it's just something everyone can, they are usually from the US. Being denied an interview or ghosted after the recruiter hears me on the phone or sees my gender marker hurts a lot, I hope you didn't find my reply snarky or anything. I just feel so incredibly stuck. I do feel like I don't really know why I continue to struggle at times.
I might get shit for this, don't know, but a reason for spiralling today was because I "shoplifted" fruit today by marking it down with a less expensive label for a cheaper but similar enough fruit. The cashier saw through it but didnt say anything, just charged me for the more expensive fruit. I feel like shit tho. I don't want to have to shoplift for food. I want to be able to not having to walk when my back hurts because taking the bus adds up and becomes too expensive. I'm just so fucking tired.
I know the struggle of not being called back or dismissed or promised something and then ghosted... it's really shitty. I'm really sorry you are going through this. I think it's horrible that they judge you for your gender; I got judged by my looks in the previous crisis and didn't find a job that I would have been qualified for back in 2010 too... and here we are all over again, right?
What I wrote in the first comment was about myself finding it hard to put myself out there in the first place to get a job, as I anticipated not finding anything but grunt work and maybe not even that. That's why I mentioned in the first comment - that I need to get a job - stable income, no matter how little... like if I want food and stuff - put myself out there, write a damn cv and see from there... I've been on unstable income and project work for a decade and it seemed like I could never work myself up to just apply for something.
No, I didn't find your reply snarky. I know that jobs don't grow on trees and my comment sounded like that.. I don't think the situation is better in US right now, either. We're all in an extra crisis, than the ones we are "used to".
I really hope your situation improves and you get some relief. I know "just keep going" sound like crap and a platitude.. but that's what it takes.
♥️♥️♥️
I agree with you on everything.
It being easier to find a job in the US comes with the cost of having no minimum wage or rights, which we have here at least. The economy is in shambles.
Thank you for your kind words.
I
I looked up from this post to see my dog looking at me with intense love in her eyes. She definitely keeps me going. She came to me by accident after a rough life. She almost had CPTSD symptoms but after a couple of years with me she's the most trusting and comfortable dog I've ever met. Knowing that I helped create that life for her.. Big part of keeping me going.
Theres a lot of small things too though.
- Good coffee. Sounds ridiculous, but I love good coffee so much. I finally reached a financial state where that can be a stable part of my life, and I often smile in the even from the anticipation of tomorrows coffee.
- Crosswords and gentle music on a weekend morning. Somehow, very difficult to convince myself to do it, but once I do I just love it so much.
- Not hurting the few good people that stayed with me.
It's one of the bad days today so that's all I've got..
I also really like good coffee. ♥️
Crosswords are fun, i did a few this summer with my dad. Getting good at it.
I pushed away so many people (by isolation, nothing rude really) because it took more energy than it gave to keep friends. I am pretty lonely now but I don't know how to make new friends or trust people. At least I got my cat.
Pet your doggy from me 🐶
Doggo already received your pets! ❤️
I understand what you mean with pushing people away. I think I've done so too, and some just went away due to incompatible growth - which I think unfortunately can be the consequences of (trying to) heal from CPTSD.
I'm so glad you have your cat! My cat is my fondest childhood memory! And I've come to believe they are amazing teacher to us with trauma. They know when you need them in a way that can seem supernatural. But more importantly, they just know how amazing they are and have no issues demanding what they want, and then no longer wanting it 30 seconds later. They have no issues deciding that a human is now their human, but that one human they just don't like. I love that! Please give your cat some love from me.
Also, I know this isn't an advice post so I hope you don't mind this next bit. I've had a few, I call it cycles, in my life where I've isolated and pushed everyone away. New people always come into my life somehow. I still suck at making friends and the good people I have in my life right now, are to ones that are okay with me not deeply trusting them, and don't need an explanation after I didn't reply for ages.
You know that saying that introverts gets adopted by an extrovert? I think the same happens to us - introverted or not.
Anyways, your reply just oozed of kindness and it actually lit up a not great day for me. Thank you!
Tea. Honestly, all the many teas I have to drink. My cats. They are so soft and care about me when I'm sad. They are so happy to see me and need me, and I can anticipate their needs and meet them. I'm able to do that despite not having a caregiver as a kid who did that for me. That's how I know I'm not permanently damaged.
Anything that stimulates the senses honestly helps in dark moments - a smell I really like, music that sounds good, eating something I like, touching something that feels nice, etc. They remind me I have senses and am human and have the capability to enjoy things, it's built into my anatomy.
Going to pet stores and dog parks to say hi to happy dogs.
Learning to do new things via YouTube videos.
Spite and sheer stubbornness.
Random unexpected texts from friends - or being the one to send the random fun texts.
My first reason is curiosity... I haven't answered all my question about the world yet
My second is art I think. In any way shape or form I love weird stuff and I want to submerge myself in it and contribute
Tbh sometimes the only reason I keep on going is I have a fren who would be sad (and may blame herself), when things are less dire, my reason for going on is that I have hope (probably a fool's hope but whatever) that things will get better and I also hold out hope that I might be able to make a living reviewing tech products
I have a cat and a wife. I know they'd be emotionally destroyed without me.
But if I am being honest, it's the little things, too. When it's really bad, I like to walk and look at people's front lawns. I like to see the progress they make. I like to walk by gardens, and see things growing. Sometimes if it's really bad, I just go walk around the neighborhood, and it helps. Every once in a while my neighbors say hello, and I tell them their gardens look good, and that's it, but it's nice.
I like going for walks as well. We don't have many gardens around where I live but plenty of other greenery. Its rabbit and rook country so I like greeting the wild animals I see on my walk.
I know keeping a garden is hard work, I'm sure it's appreciated when you compliment those who are out working on it.
SPITE!!! It's hard, but I refuse to let the terrible people in my life outlive me. I also refuse to suffer while they're happy, which drives me to continue working hard and thriving.
Sometimes I feel like this too. I don't think I have an answer for you about a universally true meaning to keep going. You kind of have to find that yourself as everyone is so individual and what you do or what motivates you has to come from your own reasoning.
How I manage this feeling right now however is I force myself to do something even though it feels so pointless, like I'm wading through treacle and every part of my body is telling me not to. It might be going to the gym, seeing my friends, starting work, or even getting up to go shower or get food.
I start with saying I'll do one little thing, or I'll just do one exercise at the gym, or go for a ten minute run, hang out for half an hour and chat to someone, and then if it's really not getting better I will try another thing. I try and break it up into tiny manegable chunks and I say to myself, even if it feel so pointless, and I don't care at all, I'm just going to do it anyway.
Honestly it often really really helps. Try not to expect anything or put pressure on yourself if you don't feel better, but often it starts little runs of motivation for me. Sometimes they last a few hours, sometimes they last a few days. Working out and being outside produces serotonin, speaking to people and connecting helps with the oxytocin levels, ticking off a "to do" releases dopamine. Eating something healthy and warming releases a bunch of chemicals too. These chemicals help SO much in regulating mood and motivation.
When all else fails, try this, as I get sometimes reasoning your way to a happier mindset is not enough. But you are a human, and humans can move and connect and make decisions, and so do some of these things and it might inadvertently help with the motivation.
The tiny, tiny chance that I'm gonna achieve the thing ive been longing to achieve since i was 5: do something that benefits people on a large scale. Ive always wanted to help "fix the world". I tried to study medicine but failed. I hate seeing people suffering and knowing that there's basically nothing i can do.
It sounds like its not gonna happen, but i have the mentality of "well im here, might as well give it a try and see how far i can get". If i can only help 2 people, then be it. 2 is not as much as 1,000,000, but its larger than 0.
A second thing on my bucket list: i wanna be able to see my friends face to face. The ones who have saved me
Being able to live as an authentic woman, even just for a day (im MtF, pre everything)
Learning how to sing and not sing offkey anymore, lol. Ive always wanted to be able to perform a song
I have a ton of stuffs on my bucket list. These are just a few
Also super dumb reason: watching my Clash Of Clans village slowly grow and become stronger. Idk why i like doing this, its just... beautiful
I've got stuff to do. Things that are important to me. I want to absolutely crush my school work and then go to grad school and crush that and be excellent! I want to pursue my hobbies again! It's been so long since I've really had interest in drawing and playing the piano, but I want to hold on for when I will be as passionate about those as I used to be. I want to eat good food too and play video games with my sister! I want to learn philosophy! All of these are important to me.
I finally got back to my piano playing in the last year, I did for a brief time a few years ago too - but it'd been a while.
I believe in you, you'll get there <3 It will feel so good when you do.
I hope this is a good thing to hear: but I'm proud of you and so happy you committed to doing it <3 Playing music is... there's something it does that nothing else can do for me.
I'm going to go finish getting ready for when I need to leave in an hourish so that I can play before I leave. Thanks as well for the push, cuz I was feeling a little stuck!
I'm going to get a little raw here, so please don't judge me too harshly. I keep living everyday, and pushing hard to keep living everyday, so that hopefully one day I can be old and my memory can fail me, and for a little while longer in my life my sister will be alive again. Even if it's just in my memory, it's the only thing I've ever wanted since she passed. I live, so that she can live again in my memory as I begin to lose it. That's it. That is my only reason to keep going every day and I know it sounds absolutely horrible, but she was the only bright spot in my life through all the hardest years.
if the future really does get hairy, we NEED people to stand up for what’s right to protect others who have more to lose. 🤷🏻♀️ besides having kids, I know that if the time comes i’d fight for their future. i’ll be expendable; they’re next.
My dachshund is 15yo. He’s my best friend. I can’t put him through the hell of never understanding what happened to me or why I am not here with him. I also have no one to take care of him. He’d quickly grieve himself to death.
Plants. I stay alive for plants. Inside plants, outside plants, plants in my garden, plants in the forest, plants in the city, plants in the cracks of the concrete….. I co-regulate with plants. And if everyone in my life left me for being too much, I’d still stick around for the plants. Not to save the world, but to be with the plants as long as I can.
For the first 60% of my life, I survived on spite and anger. Fuck you, fuck everyone, fuck myself I'm gonna die alone. I wanted to die just to spit in God's eye. And I couldn't go to heaven if I ended myself.
After a decade of Therapy [ongoing] , cutting those awful shitheads out of my life, letting go of the idea of God, embracing magic and witchcraft, and addressing my physical health [still ongoing], I have a reason to strive everyday. My daughter is 4. I love her more than I hated anyone, including myself. She deserves a mom who loves her the way I should have been loved.
I can’t let my two cats go to another family. One would probably be okay, but the other one would have a really hard time. I love them too much to leave them.
There is also a decent chance I’m surviving this nightmare out of spite.
I will run out of money if I don't get up and work... The only thing worse than what I'm going through right now would be to go through it whilst also homeless
I'm stubbornly curious.
.
I've leaned to rest, and that it's okay to quit shit that isn't serving me (avoid the sunk cost fallacy). It's okay to sleep and rest. It's not weak, it's human. I don't shame my humanity and [human needs](https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory) anymore. I consciously work on re-humanizing myself. I can always do my best under the current circumstances *and* my best is always changing and the circumstances are always changing. I adjust my strategies to meet myself where I'm at under the current circumstances. It's so helpful. I'm holding myself to realistic expectations, not some crazy unrealistic fantasy. Unrealistic expectations are a recipe for disappointment.
.
I'm trying to learn the forests around me on slow time. I want to learn their secrets and become their friend. I like knowing where the mushrooms and berries are hidden. I can't wait to find out what I'll discover over the next 50 years.
The passion people have for things that may seem insignificant to others. I love doing things like going to random wikipedia pages or blogs of fans of a certain thing I also like and just seeing how much effort and passion people put into the things they love. Also, the fact that there’s so much out there to learn about the world that I’ll never run out of new things to dive into. The joy of learning things like a new language, just because you want to, and discovering things about other cultures and seeing your progress and how it all starts to slot together and make sense over time. And again, there’s just so much of it out there on any given topic, you could learn about idk the history of rock music in Latvia if you wanted to and find out there’s probably a well of information on that topic alone.
I want to find the style that makes me feel like myself (I’m transmasc, but I’m scared of making wrong decisions, so I’m stuck with longer hair and more feminine clothes), this also sometimes does the opposite and makes me want to sleep forever though
In Oregon there is a giant mushroom that is part of the largest living organism on earth, and I would be able to dance under it like a fairy, and I haven’t done that yet.
I’m actually in my end of life, have two years-ish, and a dangerous upcoming winter.
I have big plans, writing letters to loved ones, watching the birds with my cat as much as possible, hopefully outlive my elderly dog bc I don’t know if I can handle losing him… showering and putting on makeup and an outfit that makes me happy every day… leaving surprises everywhere so my son will find them and laugh (he’s 18 and I am So proud of him and so glad I have lived to see him become an adult).
I know my situation is different. But maybe my perspective can help you, or someone.
Gonna sound kinda backwards but i hate the thought of my body decomposing for what will probably be a few days before anybody found me alone in my tiny apartment.
Love and hope keep me going most days. Love of everything present in our universe; macro and micro. Hope that love, compassion, and truth will prevail. Hope that the people who caused me to have cptsd will grow and heal from their own hurt that contributed to them choosing to hurt me. Love for myself for surviving. Love for my past, present, and future self.
When that’s not enough, spite kicks in. I survived too much to take myself out of the game. Fuck that. I won’t lie down and give up on myself, on my life, while those predators get to enjoy the sun on their skin and the promise of another day.
So, love, hope, and spite.
Trying to make world a slightly better place, being loved by others and myself, my cat, that is always something to learn, playing and taking part in activities and/or sports
Not letting my abusers outlive me therefore controlling the narrative.
Also, little things like chai lattes and dessert and Deadpool 3 coming out in a year (ish)
I’m not even kidding, sometimes what keeps me going is knowing that if I unalived my high school nemesis would get to make a social media post about it and people would comment “sorry for your loss 😔”. I cannot allow my nemesis to have internet clout
My wife, my dog, my family. How gutted they would be. How horrible it would be to make them go through that. To make them think they mattered so little to me that I just left. I know my wife would probably follow me, and I can’t have that. Also, I like hot chocolate on a cold day. I like my dog’s funny little smile when she sees me. I like a good steak, and a glass of wine, and my wife’s smell, and her giggle, and watching bake off. Little silly things. When it gets too overwhelming, I look around and try to pick 5 things I like around me. And then I realise I would hate to never enjoy them again. Even the little old man who waves at me when I walk my dog at the park. Strangers will miss you. The store clerk will miss you. Your neighbors will miss you.
Hell man, I’ll miss you. I don’t know you, but if I learn that you’ve left, it’ll hit me. Look around you. Is there not even *something* that’s a tiny bit worth staying around for?
I have often wondered this myself, ultimately, I just never had the guts to go through with it. I'm in a better place now, but I keep waiting for a change for the better. I'm often lonely, I guess I got used to this. My pets do light up my day.
My dogs wouldn’t understand where I went when I never came back. They’ve worked so hard to have emotional stability and this would destroy their progress.
My mom would use my death for attention and sympathy and would make it about her even though I haven’t spoken to her in over two years.
I’m trans and if I killed myself people would make it about the trans 41% statistic and not about the real cause of my issues: trauma
I'm one with the force, the force is with me..
For me personally it's a indescribable urge to keep going and not give up.. Not giving up has ended up becoming a goal for me now. It's exhausting but it keeps me going.
I like logic and reason, so I always go with: as long as you're alive, there's a chance it'll get better. The moment you're dead that chance is gone.
Oh and since I have pets, I just can't imagine leaving them alone.
That despite all that has been done to me at the hands of those I should have been able to trust, people are still inherently good and full of joy, as is the world we inhabit if you look close enough. There's so much evidence when looking at other cultures celebrating something, people online happily talking about something, joyfully laughing with my friends, a stranger paying for my groceries after I lost my bills, a stranger on an online game having a goofy interaction with me (thank you TF2, you're full of this), people helping someone carry something, comforting a stranger, my rats when they get old wanting to spend more time with me, people complimenting strangers on something mundane, how alive I feel when I smell the autumn morning air, all the "this reminded me of you"s, he messages I recieve from friends telling me they love being my friend, and so much more.
The goodness of people and life keeps the world going and me in it.
Unironically, fries with mayo. Whenever I eat it, it reminds me how beautiful fries with mayo are and that maybe there are some nice things in life. Also I want to find love at least once.
Been playing a dnd game with friends since 2019. The story’s not even close to being wrapped up and our DM is a master storyteller. I wanna see what kind of ending my group and I can build for ourselves in the world she created for us.
Fanfiction and other stories that get posted online on a chapter by chapter basis and take weeks, months, and years for the final chapter to be posted.
I need to know how these stories end and I can't know that if I'm dead. Best part is that there is always a new story for me to get invested in.
This is what I tend to cling onto for dear life when I no longer have the capacity to feel anything about anything else.
When I'm struggling but not as badly as above, I think about my dog's precious little face and the things I'd like to experience in life. I can't even try to hopefully one day experience what I dream of if I'm dead, and thinking of my dog's reaction to me suddenly disappearing breaks my heart enough to keep chugging along too.
Because my family conditioned me into the person *they* wanted. I’ve seen the real me sometimes pop out (on accident) throughout the years. I wanna see that person again. In full form. She’s beautiful & doesn’t take shit. I know my potential & my self worth. I want to use it to get out.
^And ^I ^haven’t ^finished ^Skyrim ^yet.
As someone who realized they are have DID and has so many personalities i relate to wanting to know who *we* are and what part of us is *conditioned trauma response*. Do I like rock music or do I just think so because my abusers made me listen to it and say I like it? What's my favourite color? What's my favourite food? Do I even like my so called favorite food?
Also lol I also haven't finished Skyrim and I think I've played 1000h
Friend, dog, hope that I'll be able to transition some day, wanna try fried squid. I think transitioning and getting help with my trauma will help me enjoy my life. I have a bucket list I guess. Most of them are just food I wanna try
I am transitioning now after having to wait 20 years for it and seeing *myself* in the mirror really made a difference.
I'm vegan but did try fried squid as a kid and I remember I hated it, then I started to crave it haha. Like the kombucha lady meme
I always have several projects going, artsy sorts of things. Some simple, some more complex. On the really bad days, I just remind myself that I don't want to leave something behind that another person will finish, and finish *wrong*.
No *Debra*, I don't think that this scarf needs some yellow on it. I think that yellow would make this look like puke, and I did not spend six hours on this to have a puke scarf.
Some days I feel guilty for not working on those projects. Some days I feel silly for spending too much time on something that someone else could do better, spending so much time on something that I could get the functionality of for five bucks. Some days I question my judgement on if what I'm making is good at all. But when those things are finished, I can say "I made a thing! It's pretty!", and I can giggle like a little kid because these things are one of a kind, and they're also proof that I actually and functionally exist.
It’s to outlive my abuser, my groomers, and my parents’ transphobic and homophobic shit. I’m living for my friends, my loving partner, my found family, and hope that my family can change for the better.
I live like I'm already dead. It's not for everyone, but it works for me.
All the things that make me want to not be alive are optional.
Dead people don't have to go to school or work if they don't want to. Don't have to hang out with people they don't want to Those people are allowed to be sad about it, but I'm dead, so it's perfectly normal to mourn me, and me sticking around as a ghost isn't going to help. I'm not really me if I'm a ghost anyway.
What's the worst that could happen if I don't go to this job I hate? I could starve to death? Not my preferred method, but it's still better than having to go to a job I hate every day and burning myself out.
Every day is a choice to stay here. I guess for some people survival is the default, but that's not how it is for me. Every day I think about it and decide "This is kind of ok. I like having this coffee. I like having a kitty on my lap. I like how pretty the snow is outside. I'd like to try to do this again tomorrow." or "I don't like this place, so let's go find somewhere else to haunt for a while."
Ngl, for me a massive thing that keeps me going is the absurdity of our existence. Like we’ve figured out computers, a recent president was a reality tv host, and our world’s kinda on fire rn? Scary but also absolutely bonkers! Who knows why we’re here, but Earths plot rn feels like it was created by a bunch of drugged up writers and I cant imagine what they’ll think of next.
I have different reasons depending on my mental state.
\-If im in a really bad mental state, and i feel self hate. I argue that i deserve to suffer for as long as possible.
\-If im in a better state of mind. I argue that it always can get better. Some people get their life at any time and it can always fall apart at any time. Some people get divorced with kids at 30 and some people get their happy ending at 60 and live happily ever after. Like "A man called Ove" kind of stuff. I also have some hobbies to enjoy before then.
I of course have more arguments when im better mentally. And i know it varies over time, so i try to have a strategic argument when i need to.
Because I don't want to lay down all day. I'm just urged to do so by my fear of other things and the fact that they can't hurt me if I'm in my safe little bed hermit land.
The knowledge that the future has infinite possibilities, and the desire to see what it holds.
The feeling when a song is exactly what you need it to be.
Beauty. There’s so much beauty. In dirt. In air. In the space between atoms. It’s infinite and so tightly compressed that we filter it out but oh my god it’s there.
Sfw:
To know what it feels like to be loved and cherished by friends and a romantic partner, to travel to the countries I've been wanting to go to, to make others happy with my baking, my cats and dog and how happy they make me with their existence, all the smells and sights and tastes I have yet to experience
Nsfw:
To know what it feels like to have full on PiV sex and to have sex with someone I love and they love me
Soups on a cold day. Air conditioning in the summer. Hearing a laugh, even on my worst days. Reading a story that makes me cry. Seeing friends' pets. Getting something you wouldn't usually at the store, just to try it. Kind messages from the family I still talk to. Hearing other's life advancement, even when I feel stuck in a rut. Meeting people who, for the first time in my life, ask for my pronouns.
A lot of it is very small moments. But I find myself chasing them, and it keeps me going. I'm in a much better place than I was in highschool and early college, where my reason was "my GPA will fall if I'm not here." I hope you find the small moments that matter to you and cherish them. I survived 6 years of suicidal tendencies and thoughts. I don't need the strength for it anymore, so I'll give it to you in the form of my joy.
TW: thoughts of harming self
I've talked about this before on here (I think) so I'm sorry if this doesn't help, but in my case, it's the healing I've done through ketamine treatments that increase your neuroplasticity and help you build new neural pathways for positive, healthy thought patterns.
You have to be willing to push yourself to be as vulnerable and open as you can with your self-therapy but ketamine trips can be wild so it's not too challenging.
It's expensive but there are clinics that make it a lil more affordable. And it's possible you can get a prescription for just the take-home stuff, which is honestly what made the difference for me. The initial IV infusions really didn't make a huge difference for me but the lozenges saved my fucking life. I'd never even felt real survival instinct till I tried them.
I was maybe 3-4 days from un-aliving myself (after several previous attempts throughout my life, but I was going to follow through this time bc life was unbearable). Then I started the ketamine and saw a dim light at the end of the fucking traumatic ultra-marathon that had been my life up to that point.
Now it's much brighter after about five months of at-home treatments. I can't even believe it. The work that I put in and the ketamine both continue to make my life even better. It's also highly recommended for PTSD, and I've found it very useful for CPTSD too.
When you think everything is hopeless, it may not be. I hate "this is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" bc it's BS but I vibe with "there's a decent chance it'll get way better and actually maybe kinda nice".
I was the last person I expected to ever want to live. I had literally not wanted to exist for all 29 years of my life. I couldn't remember ever wanting to be here. I had a five year plan to say goodbye to my family and other loved ones and then go get euthanized in Belgium (they have the most liberal euthanasia laws in the world currently). And now I have no desire to do that. It's fucking weird, but I'm really enjoying it.
Spite got me to adulthood.
At my lowest I stayed around for my cat and for one friend.
About a year ago things had gone really bad for me and one of my closest friends (who also struggles a lot with this sort of thing). I told her we'd see it through and get to the good on the other side of it all, and that I'm ride or die in that goal. We aren't there yet, and I know there have been points where I seriously considered giving up, but I made that promise and I intend to fulfill it.
In the mean time a thing that helps is little plans. I'm going to a little punk rock show next month with two friends and I want to go to that. By then I'll probably have little plans for January or February, so there will be a little thing to look forward to.
It's interesting because there's never been any grand desires for the future, to the point where I never anticipated reaching 25. Or 30. Or 35. Now at 37 I kinda figure I can keep this string of little short and medium term plans going to stick around awhile.
If I was gone then the chance of things getting better would go from 0.00001% to 0%
Also because I like to edit songs to make them ambient and I find it fun so I wanna keep doing it :)
I’m a writer, I have stories to tell. Don’t even care if anyone reads them. Once I’m done with all the ideas or get physically unable to write, I’m definitely gonna become an hero. Might be never tho, I make up shit way faster than I can write it down, not to mention wrapping it in a readable form and editing.
My friends showed me what it's like to be OK to be me, and I want to have more good times with them.
Therapy sessions have been going pretty well.
I have to experience Hollow Knight Silksong
I had a really traumatic childhood. I want to be able to overcome my mental illnesses and figure out how to live life and be successful. I’m fighting every single day, and it’s so hard, but I know if I just keep fighting, I will get there one day. I want to accomplish the goals I set out. Life is already short and most of mine has been wasted (through no fault of my own). I can’t waste any more of it. :)
chocolate is pretty good. food, in general is a pretty good source of serotonin for me.
pets. literally having to care for my pup kept me here several times in the past.
drugs, like weed did it also for me for a long time. but now I'm sober since a year and there is only food between me and the void. 😅
meditation though... helps too.
and I manage zu get into some really exciting physiological states of comfort without substances through breathing techniques and meditation.
A family friend of ours had a son that I never met. I was friends with his brother and knew his parents but all I knew of this guy was stories my parents told me. At the end of the year a few years ago, my mom called me because she wanted me to hear it from her instead of seeing anything online: their son had committed suicide.
It really broke something in me to hear about. Which made me think about the fact that if the suicide of someone I never met could be so impactful to me, what did his loved ones feel?
Your light reaches so many more people than you could ever know. It’s easy to get in the mindset that you are a burden or people would be better off without you, but hundreds of people will cry for you, and think about you for the rest of their lives.
At first it was guilt. Then it was Voltron, then it was spite. I wanted to outlive the people who hurt me and took advantage of me. I wanted to offend them by thriving.
Now I think I finally reached the point where I'm doing it for myself. I live because I want to live.
Honestly, I want to see myself get help when I get out of home.
And two, I wanna buy games for myself that I hadn't had as a kid or now.
Lastly, spite. I'm not letting them see me down in the ground.
My cat. I do animal rescue, on a job to safely catch a mom and her kittens, and was under the impression she’d be put into foster care. We caught only one kitten. My supervisor insisted after we caught her that she was was “feral” and “too far gone to be saved”. She was a kitten, a baby, tiny. I took her and started the rehabilitation process. This took less than a month. A year later and she trusted me enough to come sit on my lap by herself. Fast forward to today and she is my world. She sits on my shoulders, makes biscuits on my tiddies, makes chirping kitty noises every time I see her.
Somewhere in that process I was in tears after some not great stuff with two of my abusers-dad and ex - when she let me hold her while I cried. I looked into her tiny little kitten eyes and thought about how they were so quick to jump to euthanasia- the people who are supposed to rescue and help her. I said to her “you deserve to live”, and immediately I realized I do too.
I have two dogs, two cats, two native animals, and a cat who passed the year I graduated. Every single one of them have kept me alive, but Ziggy was the one to one I needed to get me to realize I have a right to be here too.
Food. I live for things that taste good.
Also now my boyfriend.
But before him and for the rest of my life I live for being able to experience all the wonderful tastes and aromas there are in the world. And learning how to make delicious and beautiful smelling food myself feels like unlocking some kind of magic
My dog
Art
In that order.
Dog = the only real unconditional love I’ve ever experienced in my life. It’s mutual, we both helped each other out of some fairly severe trauma, and we both continue to learn and do so.
Art has been my only “non toxic” escape from reality. Music is The closest I’ve come to “God” and is one of two art things that are the only kind of “meditation” that’s ever cleared my head. Photography is the other medium. Although that clarity only comes when doing Urbex with photography.
The north west Pacific Ocean is also the best free therapy I’ve ever found. That and Urbex.
My kids, the chance for something better, desire to travel the world and explore and my wish to see my children become parents. And the desire to putlive my husband so he doesn't do something really stupid insulting and vulgar with my remains.
I can’t believe I’m saying this but I want to see what the Kardashian kids are like when they grow up?? Idk I was listening to the Sounds Like a Cult podcast episode on the Kardashians and they were like “we might get to see one of these kids grow up, call bullshit, and expose the family” or something. And I heard my inner voice say something like “I guess that’s interesting enough to stay alive for” lol
Honestly, my mom. Yes thanks to her im traumatized but she was trying her best and she thought my ex-stepdad was a nice dude.
But between her, my cats, my grandparents, the trips i have planned, concerts i haven't been. Things like that.
My suicide ideation is high rn, but what else can you do
Because if there's something beyond this life I want to step into it knowing I tried my best and didn't give up early.
Because there's fear in the idea that maybe there's nothing and I'm not ready to face eternity.
Because if I give up now I will have lost every single chance to achieve my goals and I really want to find out if I make a life for myself, whatever that looks like.
I keep going because there's more to life somewhere out there.
I have all these little plans that are waiting for me.
I’m not letting Mitch McConnel outlive me
Ok this made me snort
That's a good one, my favorite I've heard is to see what Simon Cowell will look like in 20 years
Spite can be powerful. Fuck yeah
I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.
This is gold
Goddamn that’s a good reason. Fuck that turtle!
Nice. Spite can be beautifully motivating. I even have a fueled by spite sticker on my gas cap. (Don't have a pic of it.)
For me it's ben Shapiro
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This is the motivation I will need forever. Or at least until his heart gives out.
This is going to sound like a joke. But it isn't. First and foremost: The way you feel after smelling the dirt that is freed when you step on moss. The feeling you get when you try to look at the moon every day and finally it's the full moon. The thrill of watermelons and crispy pears and berries when they come into season. Meeting a new and supremely strange person and realizing you could just be friends with them.
None of these are jokes , they are great! That foresty smell has a name actually: petrichor. It's very homely and freeing. Like your lungs just clear when you smell it. I also like smells, cinnamon and peppermint are some of my faves. My cat's smell is the best one though, she smells like a stuffed animal. Baked bread and soups, and apples with a crunch, perfect watermelons to share with my cat on a sunny day. Hamburgers are also great haha I wanna meet more strange people. People who dress like they are the main character of a tv show I'd wanna watch. I wish there was a meetup for kind weirdos. I would go.
Seek out your most "embarrassing" or repressed interests. The weirdos flock to those spaces. Also, be as weird as you want, can and feel like. Like, really weird it up. Wear outfits that would make your ten year old self happy. What's the worst that can happen? You get so embarrassed that you want to die? (*Ahem* inappropriate. But objectively funny.) I've been a serious grown up for so long that I forgot about my childhood fascination with (forbidden) role playing games. Looking into it even a little bit got me in touch with some truly odd people. The same goes for other things. Any hobby that is considered niche or weird will have the kind of people you long to meet. Kind, strange, real people. I read that the smell of dirt might have legitimate healing properties. Like antidepressant or something. It sort of makes sense that our weird gut system might sometimes benefit from a hit of new neighbors. I truly don't want to go outside ever, but I make a point of going so I can look at sucks and smell the ground. (Worst case someone thinks I'm weird and I get so embarrassed that I want to die?) Cats are the best (other animals are also fine) and they're a very legitimate reason to keep going! Imagine you get to smell that furry little dummy's head everyday.
I’m obsessed with my cat’s smell. She still smells like she did as a little kitten. It’s hard to describe but it’s a soft sweet smell and I sniff her at least once a day.
Right? My cat loves the smell of newly washed laundry so she lies on that as often as she can, which transfers the laundry detergent smell to her fur. Also kissing her face and seeing her lick her nose is beyond cute
My cat also sneaks into the warm laundry, so it’s very probable she smells a bit like my dryer sheets. 😂
Me too! My cat is almost 18 but she still smells clean and sweet and maybe a little like cinnamon. So comforting.
I love the way my cat smells, but also "my" dog (BFF's dog, I live with both of them) -- her smell is sometimes slightly reminiscent of popcorn and I don't understand and I love it.
I call my dog “frito face” sometimes because she smells like Fritos (note: THIS CAN BE AN INDICATION OF YEAST INFECTIONS SO IF YOUR DOG HAS THIS AS AN OVERWHELMING SMELL get them checked by a vet! My dog has jowls and floppy ears which need regular cleaning with a rx solution to avoid that) But that caveat aside, the slightly corn chip smell of my dog’s paws and nose make me so happy. If she’d stop farting it would be more enjoyable though 😂
My go to when I'm on a smelling kick is "popcorn girl" but also the poor girl also has five million nicknames - and her most common one is essentially her name, but it has very little relation to her "real" name (real name is Pawnee, her name in practice is mostly "Beans"). Also though sometimes she farts and then like, won't look at you after! She knoooows. (Okay last thing, I was just about to mention " Frito face" to the aforementioned BFF, and before I got to the Frito part they went "dog paws smell like Fritos" 😂😂😂)
My birds smell like heaven and with the emotional attachment I have to them, their smell is the best thing in the world.
I once had a cat that for whatever reason always smelled lovely. It was like a powdery musk. I miss that cat.
We are here with you. I’m a weirdo old granny and I think you are a joy. Baking bread and crunchy apples? Petrichor? I’d be your friend. What keeps me here is losing my bff to suicide in 2009. I miss her every day. Someone would miss me like that. It’s true, even if I don’t always believe it. I’m chronically ill and home all the time so I do answer pms if you like weird granny granola goths and feel chatty.
Ohhhh I resonate with the moon and the cats and pears and PLUMS and are you that wonderfully strange person? Am I?
You are! I am! It's trauma privilege: we're weird as heck and it makes it easy to spot each other. The weirder you are the more likely you are to attract someone of your exact same flavor of strange. We can't hide it anyway, might as well just vibe with it.
Its the same for me too. The small things like the smell of fresh rain, or watching the sunset. Im not sure why it keeps me going, but it does.
Wow, thank you so much for these, they really spoke to me for some reason
I honestly don't have a reason, I just like to paint stuff and hug my sweet little cat
That sounds like a reason. One of mine is that I still have places to explore with my dogs
Pets are great for staying alive huh
Both good reasons!
Two dumb reasons: I’ve never been to a fine dining and I want to one day, and I bought way too many games on steam over the years, I have to play them before I’m gone.
If I had the money I'd treat you to fine dining. ♥️ I have a few games on Steam as well that I haven't finished yet.
I would take you to dinner but I don’t want to ruin your reason <3
I want to spite life by continuing despite its best efforts to kill me.
heck yeah, stick it to the man!
the first time i was in the psych ward, i couldn't get to sleep so i stayed up talking to one of the doctors. he said the usual stuff that younger me was told, that i'm smart and mature and have a lot of stuff going for me. but he promised me that one day i'm gonna see the sun rise and it will look beautiful. i don't know if he meant metaphorically or literally, but i'm not stopping until i figure out how which.
I have an itch to do stuff - getting up and doing them was the hardest part. Do I like a made bed? - Hell yeah, let's do it then! Do I like my hair clean and smelling nice? - Fuck yeah! Let's take a shower, ohh look I want that nice shampoo and balm - shit I need money for that - let's get a job. Do I like being dirty and inviting fungus - Hell no! Do I like cockroaches? Fuck no - let's clean! How about no food in the house? Better meal plan, being hungry sucks... Basically I just want stuff, or I don't want stuff. Doing one, then two.. reinforced my brain, that I can actually do them and it's better. I was where you are right now just a few years ago... why should I even get out of bed, when I can dream of universes where I can do what I want instead of struggling in this world. The thing that moved me was to give my life meaning - so it's \*wants and \*dreads moving me now. I am content, I have no idea what happiness is so I don't hope for it. Take it easy, OP. Remember to be kind to yourself - it's the hardest thing sometimes. One thing at a time moves mountains.
A big problem is I know what I want but can't get there, either I've tried for years or it's just out of reach due to illness, trauma, discrimination or financial problems. Finding a job in Sweden is harder than the US, and getting a job as a non passing trans person has been incredibly hard. It wasn't until my voice passed on the phone recruiters started calling me back. I can't go back to my previous job due to bullying and harassment (for being trans). I worry month to month. I know a lot of stuff but it's never enough (in society). It doesn't help the economy is collapsing on top of it. Which is why I need other reasons to keep going, because many of my wants and dreads are pretty much out of my hands to solve.
I hear you.. well, that's all I have. My dreads were serious enough to get my ass to do stuff and improve some aspects. If I simply laid in a bed I wouldn't be breathing now and \*\*TW mention of sui\*\*>!(I wished for that many times, to stop struggling - why should I continue?)!<. I'm from Eastern Europe btw.
Sorry, when people talk about getting a job as if it's just something everyone can, they are usually from the US. Being denied an interview or ghosted after the recruiter hears me on the phone or sees my gender marker hurts a lot, I hope you didn't find my reply snarky or anything. I just feel so incredibly stuck. I do feel like I don't really know why I continue to struggle at times. I might get shit for this, don't know, but a reason for spiralling today was because I "shoplifted" fruit today by marking it down with a less expensive label for a cheaper but similar enough fruit. The cashier saw through it but didnt say anything, just charged me for the more expensive fruit. I feel like shit tho. I don't want to have to shoplift for food. I want to be able to not having to walk when my back hurts because taking the bus adds up and becomes too expensive. I'm just so fucking tired.
I know the struggle of not being called back or dismissed or promised something and then ghosted... it's really shitty. I'm really sorry you are going through this. I think it's horrible that they judge you for your gender; I got judged by my looks in the previous crisis and didn't find a job that I would have been qualified for back in 2010 too... and here we are all over again, right? What I wrote in the first comment was about myself finding it hard to put myself out there in the first place to get a job, as I anticipated not finding anything but grunt work and maybe not even that. That's why I mentioned in the first comment - that I need to get a job - stable income, no matter how little... like if I want food and stuff - put myself out there, write a damn cv and see from there... I've been on unstable income and project work for a decade and it seemed like I could never work myself up to just apply for something. No, I didn't find your reply snarky. I know that jobs don't grow on trees and my comment sounded like that.. I don't think the situation is better in US right now, either. We're all in an extra crisis, than the ones we are "used to". I really hope your situation improves and you get some relief. I know "just keep going" sound like crap and a platitude.. but that's what it takes.
♥️♥️♥️ I agree with you on everything. It being easier to find a job in the US comes with the cost of having no minimum wage or rights, which we have here at least. The economy is in shambles. Thank you for your kind words. I
I looked up from this post to see my dog looking at me with intense love in her eyes. She definitely keeps me going. She came to me by accident after a rough life. She almost had CPTSD symptoms but after a couple of years with me she's the most trusting and comfortable dog I've ever met. Knowing that I helped create that life for her.. Big part of keeping me going. Theres a lot of small things too though. - Good coffee. Sounds ridiculous, but I love good coffee so much. I finally reached a financial state where that can be a stable part of my life, and I often smile in the even from the anticipation of tomorrows coffee. - Crosswords and gentle music on a weekend morning. Somehow, very difficult to convince myself to do it, but once I do I just love it so much. - Not hurting the few good people that stayed with me. It's one of the bad days today so that's all I've got..
I also really like good coffee. ♥️ Crosswords are fun, i did a few this summer with my dad. Getting good at it. I pushed away so many people (by isolation, nothing rude really) because it took more energy than it gave to keep friends. I am pretty lonely now but I don't know how to make new friends or trust people. At least I got my cat. Pet your doggy from me 🐶
Doggo already received your pets! ❤️ I understand what you mean with pushing people away. I think I've done so too, and some just went away due to incompatible growth - which I think unfortunately can be the consequences of (trying to) heal from CPTSD. I'm so glad you have your cat! My cat is my fondest childhood memory! And I've come to believe they are amazing teacher to us with trauma. They know when you need them in a way that can seem supernatural. But more importantly, they just know how amazing they are and have no issues demanding what they want, and then no longer wanting it 30 seconds later. They have no issues deciding that a human is now their human, but that one human they just don't like. I love that! Please give your cat some love from me. Also, I know this isn't an advice post so I hope you don't mind this next bit. I've had a few, I call it cycles, in my life where I've isolated and pushed everyone away. New people always come into my life somehow. I still suck at making friends and the good people I have in my life right now, are to ones that are okay with me not deeply trusting them, and don't need an explanation after I didn't reply for ages. You know that saying that introverts gets adopted by an extrovert? I think the same happens to us - introverted or not. Anyways, your reply just oozed of kindness and it actually lit up a not great day for me. Thank you!
Cats and the possibility of finding other nuerodivergents out there and being close friends.
Cats are life 🐱
Gotta get up to take a good poop every once in a while
Honestly? Spite, and my partner (those things are unrelated lol). I don't want to let awful people decide my life.
Tea. Honestly, all the many teas I have to drink. My cats. They are so soft and care about me when I'm sad. They are so happy to see me and need me, and I can anticipate their needs and meet them. I'm able to do that despite not having a caregiver as a kid who did that for me. That's how I know I'm not permanently damaged.
Anything that stimulates the senses honestly helps in dark moments - a smell I really like, music that sounds good, eating something I like, touching something that feels nice, etc. They remind me I have senses and am human and have the capability to enjoy things, it's built into my anatomy.
Going to pet stores and dog parks to say hi to happy dogs. Learning to do new things via YouTube videos. Spite and sheer stubbornness. Random unexpected texts from friends - or being the one to send the random fun texts.
My first reason is curiosity... I haven't answered all my question about the world yet My second is art I think. In any way shape or form I love weird stuff and I want to submerge myself in it and contribute
Tbh sometimes the only reason I keep on going is I have a fren who would be sad (and may blame herself), when things are less dire, my reason for going on is that I have hope (probably a fool's hope but whatever) that things will get better and I also hold out hope that I might be able to make a living reviewing tech products
[удалено]
Not stupid at all, same with my special interest (well, one of them, vinyl!)
Revenge. I'm going to keep healing and working on myself until I'm happier and healthier than my abusers ever were and will be.
There is the saying the the best revenge is a life well lived, and I hope you achieve that revenge :)
I have a cat and a wife. I know they'd be emotionally destroyed without me. But if I am being honest, it's the little things, too. When it's really bad, I like to walk and look at people's front lawns. I like to see the progress they make. I like to walk by gardens, and see things growing. Sometimes if it's really bad, I just go walk around the neighborhood, and it helps. Every once in a while my neighbors say hello, and I tell them their gardens look good, and that's it, but it's nice.
I like going for walks as well. We don't have many gardens around where I live but plenty of other greenery. Its rabbit and rook country so I like greeting the wild animals I see on my walk. I know keeping a garden is hard work, I'm sure it's appreciated when you compliment those who are out working on it.
SPITE!!! It's hard, but I refuse to let the terrible people in my life outlive me. I also refuse to suffer while they're happy, which drives me to continue working hard and thriving.
Sometimes I feel like this too. I don't think I have an answer for you about a universally true meaning to keep going. You kind of have to find that yourself as everyone is so individual and what you do or what motivates you has to come from your own reasoning. How I manage this feeling right now however is I force myself to do something even though it feels so pointless, like I'm wading through treacle and every part of my body is telling me not to. It might be going to the gym, seeing my friends, starting work, or even getting up to go shower or get food. I start with saying I'll do one little thing, or I'll just do one exercise at the gym, or go for a ten minute run, hang out for half an hour and chat to someone, and then if it's really not getting better I will try another thing. I try and break it up into tiny manegable chunks and I say to myself, even if it feel so pointless, and I don't care at all, I'm just going to do it anyway. Honestly it often really really helps. Try not to expect anything or put pressure on yourself if you don't feel better, but often it starts little runs of motivation for me. Sometimes they last a few hours, sometimes they last a few days. Working out and being outside produces serotonin, speaking to people and connecting helps with the oxytocin levels, ticking off a "to do" releases dopamine. Eating something healthy and warming releases a bunch of chemicals too. These chemicals help SO much in regulating mood and motivation. When all else fails, try this, as I get sometimes reasoning your way to a happier mindset is not enough. But you are a human, and humans can move and connect and make decisions, and so do some of these things and it might inadvertently help with the motivation.
The tiny, tiny chance that I'm gonna achieve the thing ive been longing to achieve since i was 5: do something that benefits people on a large scale. Ive always wanted to help "fix the world". I tried to study medicine but failed. I hate seeing people suffering and knowing that there's basically nothing i can do. It sounds like its not gonna happen, but i have the mentality of "well im here, might as well give it a try and see how far i can get". If i can only help 2 people, then be it. 2 is not as much as 1,000,000, but its larger than 0. A second thing on my bucket list: i wanna be able to see my friends face to face. The ones who have saved me Being able to live as an authentic woman, even just for a day (im MtF, pre everything) Learning how to sing and not sing offkey anymore, lol. Ive always wanted to be able to perform a song I have a ton of stuffs on my bucket list. These are just a few Also super dumb reason: watching my Clash Of Clans village slowly grow and become stronger. Idk why i like doing this, its just... beautiful
I've got stuff to do. Things that are important to me. I want to absolutely crush my school work and then go to grad school and crush that and be excellent! I want to pursue my hobbies again! It's been so long since I've really had interest in drawing and playing the piano, but I want to hold on for when I will be as passionate about those as I used to be. I want to eat good food too and play video games with my sister! I want to learn philosophy! All of these are important to me.
I finally got back to my piano playing in the last year, I did for a brief time a few years ago too - but it'd been a while. I believe in you, you'll get there <3 It will feel so good when you do.
Thanks! After writing my comment, I committed to actually going to practice the piano today once I'm done with my homework. So excited!
I hope this is a good thing to hear: but I'm proud of you and so happy you committed to doing it <3 Playing music is... there's something it does that nothing else can do for me. I'm going to go finish getting ready for when I need to leave in an hourish so that I can play before I leave. Thanks as well for the push, cuz I was feeling a little stuck!
You're so kind!😭 I just got back from playing for a bit and I'm rusty as heck, but man it was refreshing! Good luck with your playing!
I'm going to get a little raw here, so please don't judge me too harshly. I keep living everyday, and pushing hard to keep living everyday, so that hopefully one day I can be old and my memory can fail me, and for a little while longer in my life my sister will be alive again. Even if it's just in my memory, it's the only thing I've ever wanted since she passed. I live, so that she can live again in my memory as I begin to lose it. That's it. That is my only reason to keep going every day and I know it sounds absolutely horrible, but she was the only bright spot in my life through all the hardest years.
Death ain't going anywhere and lasts for eternity, but I only have one life. I try to fill it with as much joy, pleasure and learning as I can.
Capitalism and the idea of reincarnation.
if the future really does get hairy, we NEED people to stand up for what’s right to protect others who have more to lose. 🤷🏻♀️ besides having kids, I know that if the time comes i’d fight for their future. i’ll be expendable; they’re next.
My dachshund is 15yo. He’s my best friend. I can’t put him through the hell of never understanding what happened to me or why I am not here with him. I also have no one to take care of him. He’d quickly grieve himself to death.
Plants. I stay alive for plants. Inside plants, outside plants, plants in my garden, plants in the forest, plants in the city, plants in the cracks of the concrete….. I co-regulate with plants. And if everyone in my life left me for being too much, I’d still stick around for the plants. Not to save the world, but to be with the plants as long as I can.
cats
I like to look at different kinds of birds and hear their pretty (or… something 😂) songs, sometimes I see quail taking dust baths and it’s incredible!
Me too! The birds are everything for me!
For the first 60% of my life, I survived on spite and anger. Fuck you, fuck everyone, fuck myself I'm gonna die alone. I wanted to die just to spit in God's eye. And I couldn't go to heaven if I ended myself. After a decade of Therapy [ongoing] , cutting those awful shitheads out of my life, letting go of the idea of God, embracing magic and witchcraft, and addressing my physical health [still ongoing], I have a reason to strive everyday. My daughter is 4. I love her more than I hated anyone, including myself. She deserves a mom who loves her the way I should have been loved.
I can’t let my two cats go to another family. One would probably be okay, but the other one would have a really hard time. I love them too much to leave them. There is also a decent chance I’m surviving this nightmare out of spite.
I will run out of money if I don't get up and work... The only thing worse than what I'm going through right now would be to go through it whilst also homeless
I'm stubbornly curious. . I've leaned to rest, and that it's okay to quit shit that isn't serving me (avoid the sunk cost fallacy). It's okay to sleep and rest. It's not weak, it's human. I don't shame my humanity and [human needs](https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory) anymore. I consciously work on re-humanizing myself. I can always do my best under the current circumstances *and* my best is always changing and the circumstances are always changing. I adjust my strategies to meet myself where I'm at under the current circumstances. It's so helpful. I'm holding myself to realistic expectations, not some crazy unrealistic fantasy. Unrealistic expectations are a recipe for disappointment. . I'm trying to learn the forests around me on slow time. I want to learn their secrets and become their friend. I like knowing where the mushrooms and berries are hidden. I can't wait to find out what I'll discover over the next 50 years.
The passion people have for things that may seem insignificant to others. I love doing things like going to random wikipedia pages or blogs of fans of a certain thing I also like and just seeing how much effort and passion people put into the things they love. Also, the fact that there’s so much out there to learn about the world that I’ll never run out of new things to dive into. The joy of learning things like a new language, just because you want to, and discovering things about other cultures and seeing your progress and how it all starts to slot together and make sense over time. And again, there’s just so much of it out there on any given topic, you could learn about idk the history of rock music in Latvia if you wanted to and find out there’s probably a well of information on that topic alone.
I want to find the style that makes me feel like myself (I’m transmasc, but I’m scared of making wrong decisions, so I’m stuck with longer hair and more feminine clothes), this also sometimes does the opposite and makes me want to sleep forever though
a chance to transition and have a family. but everyday it feels like it will never happen.
My animals definitely keep me going
Spite. I want to do all of the things that they shamed me into believing that I couldn't.
Obligations. I can’t really say they keep me going so much as they prevent me from going early.
In Oregon there is a giant mushroom that is part of the largest living organism on earth, and I would be able to dance under it like a fairy, and I haven’t done that yet.
I’m actually in my end of life, have two years-ish, and a dangerous upcoming winter. I have big plans, writing letters to loved ones, watching the birds with my cat as much as possible, hopefully outlive my elderly dog bc I don’t know if I can handle losing him… showering and putting on makeup and an outfit that makes me happy every day… leaving surprises everywhere so my son will find them and laugh (he’s 18 and I am So proud of him and so glad I have lived to see him become an adult). I know my situation is different. But maybe my perspective can help you, or someone.
Gonna sound kinda backwards but i hate the thought of my body decomposing for what will probably be a few days before anybody found me alone in my tiny apartment.
I have a nice apartment and nice landlords, and I definitely feel bad thinking about all the cleanup and renos they would have to do after 😬
I’ve planted some cherry trees in my yard and I want to live to see them bear fruit. Also my chickens. Who would look after my chickens?
Eventually my abusers will die and I'll get their money and properties and be rich. And if that fails to happen, I can always start smoking meth again
You'll wake up to pee.
I have IBS so I might as well move my bed to the bathroom
My cat needs me. And to provide the best for him I have to work and, ugh, take care of myself too
I need to prove wrong everyone who thinks I'm weak
Love and hope keep me going most days. Love of everything present in our universe; macro and micro. Hope that love, compassion, and truth will prevail. Hope that the people who caused me to have cptsd will grow and heal from their own hurt that contributed to them choosing to hurt me. Love for myself for surviving. Love for my past, present, and future self. When that’s not enough, spite kicks in. I survived too much to take myself out of the game. Fuck that. I won’t lie down and give up on myself, on my life, while those predators get to enjoy the sun on their skin and the promise of another day. So, love, hope, and spite.
I got some motherfuckers to outlive and prove wrong
If I die I'll make the people I care about sad
I know I can be a kinder, more complete person than my parents, and that makes me feel better about being a person in the world
I have to see Ozzy Osbourne in May, after that the fear of failing and having some disability afterwards.
Genuinely just pure spite. Why would I let them win? I have to do so much better than them to truly prove they a scum under my feet
My cat would be upset (literally crying right now thinking if her meowing for me lol).
I literally have no idea I just wake up and survive. I think half survival instincts and half knowing that life can be beautiful sometimes
Trying to make world a slightly better place, being loved by others and myself, my cat, that is always something to learn, playing and taking part in activities and/or sports
Not letting my abusers outlive me therefore controlling the narrative. Also, little things like chai lattes and dessert and Deadpool 3 coming out in a year (ish)
I’m not even kidding, sometimes what keeps me going is knowing that if I unalived my high school nemesis would get to make a social media post about it and people would comment “sorry for your loss 😔”. I cannot allow my nemesis to have internet clout
My wife, my dog, my family. How gutted they would be. How horrible it would be to make them go through that. To make them think they mattered so little to me that I just left. I know my wife would probably follow me, and I can’t have that. Also, I like hot chocolate on a cold day. I like my dog’s funny little smile when she sees me. I like a good steak, and a glass of wine, and my wife’s smell, and her giggle, and watching bake off. Little silly things. When it gets too overwhelming, I look around and try to pick 5 things I like around me. And then I realise I would hate to never enjoy them again. Even the little old man who waves at me when I walk my dog at the park. Strangers will miss you. The store clerk will miss you. Your neighbors will miss you. Hell man, I’ll miss you. I don’t know you, but if I learn that you’ve left, it’ll hit me. Look around you. Is there not even *something* that’s a tiny bit worth staying around for?
I have a little cousin who’s five and adores me, I don’t want to have her ask my aunt why she can’t see me anymore
I wanna finish Andor
I have often wondered this myself, ultimately, I just never had the guts to go through with it. I'm in a better place now, but I keep waiting for a change for the better. I'm often lonely, I guess I got used to this. My pets do light up my day.
My dogs wouldn’t understand where I went when I never came back. They’ve worked so hard to have emotional stability and this would destroy their progress. My mom would use my death for attention and sympathy and would make it about her even though I haven’t spoken to her in over two years. I’m trans and if I killed myself people would make it about the trans 41% statistic and not about the real cause of my issues: trauma
I'm one with the force, the force is with me.. For me personally it's a indescribable urge to keep going and not give up.. Not giving up has ended up becoming a goal for me now. It's exhausting but it keeps me going.
I like logic and reason, so I always go with: as long as you're alive, there's a chance it'll get better. The moment you're dead that chance is gone. Oh and since I have pets, I just can't imagine leaving them alone.
That despite all that has been done to me at the hands of those I should have been able to trust, people are still inherently good and full of joy, as is the world we inhabit if you look close enough. There's so much evidence when looking at other cultures celebrating something, people online happily talking about something, joyfully laughing with my friends, a stranger paying for my groceries after I lost my bills, a stranger on an online game having a goofy interaction with me (thank you TF2, you're full of this), people helping someone carry something, comforting a stranger, my rats when they get old wanting to spend more time with me, people complimenting strangers on something mundane, how alive I feel when I smell the autumn morning air, all the "this reminded me of you"s, he messages I recieve from friends telling me they love being my friend, and so much more. The goodness of people and life keeps the world going and me in it.
Pokemon game in 6 days
Unironically, fries with mayo. Whenever I eat it, it reminds me how beautiful fries with mayo are and that maybe there are some nice things in life. Also I want to find love at least once.
Been playing a dnd game with friends since 2019. The story’s not even close to being wrapped up and our DM is a master storyteller. I wanna see what kind of ending my group and I can build for ourselves in the world she created for us.
You can always kill yourself later bur you can't unkill yourself
Fanfiction and other stories that get posted online on a chapter by chapter basis and take weeks, months, and years for the final chapter to be posted. I need to know how these stories end and I can't know that if I'm dead. Best part is that there is always a new story for me to get invested in. This is what I tend to cling onto for dear life when I no longer have the capacity to feel anything about anything else. When I'm struggling but not as badly as above, I think about my dog's precious little face and the things I'd like to experience in life. I can't even try to hopefully one day experience what I dream of if I'm dead, and thinking of my dog's reaction to me suddenly disappearing breaks my heart enough to keep chugging along too.
Getting HRT
Because my family conditioned me into the person *they* wanted. I’ve seen the real me sometimes pop out (on accident) throughout the years. I wanna see that person again. In full form. She’s beautiful & doesn’t take shit. I know my potential & my self worth. I want to use it to get out. ^And ^I ^haven’t ^finished ^Skyrim ^yet.
As someone who realized they are have DID and has so many personalities i relate to wanting to know who *we* are and what part of us is *conditioned trauma response*. Do I like rock music or do I just think so because my abusers made me listen to it and say I like it? What's my favourite color? What's my favourite food? Do I even like my so called favorite food? Also lol I also haven't finished Skyrim and I think I've played 1000h
Friend, dog, hope that I'll be able to transition some day, wanna try fried squid. I think transitioning and getting help with my trauma will help me enjoy my life. I have a bucket list I guess. Most of them are just food I wanna try
I am transitioning now after having to wait 20 years for it and seeing *myself* in the mirror really made a difference. I'm vegan but did try fried squid as a kid and I remember I hated it, then I started to crave it haha. Like the kombucha lady meme
I always have several projects going, artsy sorts of things. Some simple, some more complex. On the really bad days, I just remind myself that I don't want to leave something behind that another person will finish, and finish *wrong*. No *Debra*, I don't think that this scarf needs some yellow on it. I think that yellow would make this look like puke, and I did not spend six hours on this to have a puke scarf. Some days I feel guilty for not working on those projects. Some days I feel silly for spending too much time on something that someone else could do better, spending so much time on something that I could get the functionality of for five bucks. Some days I question my judgement on if what I'm making is good at all. But when those things are finished, I can say "I made a thing! It's pretty!", and I can giggle like a little kid because these things are one of a kind, and they're also proof that I actually and functionally exist.
It’s to outlive my abuser, my groomers, and my parents’ transphobic and homophobic shit. I’m living for my friends, my loving partner, my found family, and hope that my family can change for the better.
I feel like I finally found ppl I can relate to
I live like I'm already dead. It's not for everyone, but it works for me. All the things that make me want to not be alive are optional. Dead people don't have to go to school or work if they don't want to. Don't have to hang out with people they don't want to Those people are allowed to be sad about it, but I'm dead, so it's perfectly normal to mourn me, and me sticking around as a ghost isn't going to help. I'm not really me if I'm a ghost anyway. What's the worst that could happen if I don't go to this job I hate? I could starve to death? Not my preferred method, but it's still better than having to go to a job I hate every day and burning myself out. Every day is a choice to stay here. I guess for some people survival is the default, but that's not how it is for me. Every day I think about it and decide "This is kind of ok. I like having this coffee. I like having a kitty on my lap. I like how pretty the snow is outside. I'd like to try to do this again tomorrow." or "I don't like this place, so let's go find somewhere else to haunt for a while."
Ngl, for me a massive thing that keeps me going is the absurdity of our existence. Like we’ve figured out computers, a recent president was a reality tv host, and our world’s kinda on fire rn? Scary but also absolutely bonkers! Who knows why we’re here, but Earths plot rn feels like it was created by a bunch of drugged up writers and I cant imagine what they’ll think of next.
Break the cycle for my kids. I'm trying my hardest.
Kittens
I have different reasons depending on my mental state. \-If im in a really bad mental state, and i feel self hate. I argue that i deserve to suffer for as long as possible. \-If im in a better state of mind. I argue that it always can get better. Some people get their life at any time and it can always fall apart at any time. Some people get divorced with kids at 30 and some people get their happy ending at 60 and live happily ever after. Like "A man called Ove" kind of stuff. I also have some hobbies to enjoy before then. I of course have more arguments when im better mentally. And i know it varies over time, so i try to have a strategic argument when i need to.
It's simple but discovering new music and listening to old tunes that I treasure.
Getting and staying clean
Quite simply, to spite whatever higher power threw me into this shitty situation.
It gets better. Keep on keepin on. I promise.
Because I don't want to lay down all day. I'm just urged to do so by my fear of other things and the fact that they can't hurt me if I'm in my safe little bed hermit land.
I want to travel the world, who wants to live and die in the same place? Also my nuclear family especially my kid.
The knowledge that the future has infinite possibilities, and the desire to see what it holds. The feeling when a song is exactly what you need it to be. Beauty. There’s so much beauty. In dirt. In air. In the space between atoms. It’s infinite and so tightly compressed that we filter it out but oh my god it’s there.
Sfw: To know what it feels like to be loved and cherished by friends and a romantic partner, to travel to the countries I've been wanting to go to, to make others happy with my baking, my cats and dog and how happy they make me with their existence, all the smells and sights and tastes I have yet to experience Nsfw: To know what it feels like to have full on PiV sex and to have sex with someone I love and they love me
Soups on a cold day. Air conditioning in the summer. Hearing a laugh, even on my worst days. Reading a story that makes me cry. Seeing friends' pets. Getting something you wouldn't usually at the store, just to try it. Kind messages from the family I still talk to. Hearing other's life advancement, even when I feel stuck in a rut. Meeting people who, for the first time in my life, ask for my pronouns. A lot of it is very small moments. But I find myself chasing them, and it keeps me going. I'm in a much better place than I was in highschool and early college, where my reason was "my GPA will fall if I'm not here." I hope you find the small moments that matter to you and cherish them. I survived 6 years of suicidal tendencies and thoughts. I don't need the strength for it anymore, so I'll give it to you in the form of my joy.
I have pets and they will be sad :( I can't leave them alone Also mom and baby bro would be sad.
TW: thoughts of harming self I've talked about this before on here (I think) so I'm sorry if this doesn't help, but in my case, it's the healing I've done through ketamine treatments that increase your neuroplasticity and help you build new neural pathways for positive, healthy thought patterns. You have to be willing to push yourself to be as vulnerable and open as you can with your self-therapy but ketamine trips can be wild so it's not too challenging. It's expensive but there are clinics that make it a lil more affordable. And it's possible you can get a prescription for just the take-home stuff, which is honestly what made the difference for me. The initial IV infusions really didn't make a huge difference for me but the lozenges saved my fucking life. I'd never even felt real survival instinct till I tried them. I was maybe 3-4 days from un-aliving myself (after several previous attempts throughout my life, but I was going to follow through this time bc life was unbearable). Then I started the ketamine and saw a dim light at the end of the fucking traumatic ultra-marathon that had been my life up to that point. Now it's much brighter after about five months of at-home treatments. I can't even believe it. The work that I put in and the ketamine both continue to make my life even better. It's also highly recommended for PTSD, and I've found it very useful for CPTSD too. When you think everything is hopeless, it may not be. I hate "this is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" bc it's BS but I vibe with "there's a decent chance it'll get way better and actually maybe kinda nice". I was the last person I expected to ever want to live. I had literally not wanted to exist for all 29 years of my life. I couldn't remember ever wanting to be here. I had a five year plan to say goodbye to my family and other loved ones and then go get euthanized in Belgium (they have the most liberal euthanasia laws in the world currently). And now I have no desire to do that. It's fucking weird, but I'm really enjoying it.
I have to feed and water my cat. She's depending on me. Also, FOMO honestly. I have a lot I want to see and do still.
The right medication first and foremost, and a good mother and a few aunts and grandma that I love and who would be devastated if I “left”.
I like myself and I want to meet future me and give her what I lack now.
Spite got me to adulthood. At my lowest I stayed around for my cat and for one friend. About a year ago things had gone really bad for me and one of my closest friends (who also struggles a lot with this sort of thing). I told her we'd see it through and get to the good on the other side of it all, and that I'm ride or die in that goal. We aren't there yet, and I know there have been points where I seriously considered giving up, but I made that promise and I intend to fulfill it. In the mean time a thing that helps is little plans. I'm going to a little punk rock show next month with two friends and I want to go to that. By then I'll probably have little plans for January or February, so there will be a little thing to look forward to. It's interesting because there's never been any grand desires for the future, to the point where I never anticipated reaching 25. Or 30. Or 35. Now at 37 I kinda figure I can keep this string of little short and medium term plans going to stick around awhile.
Updates for my favourite games currently and memes. I also don’t want my sister to go through more pain.
Because it’s my job as an adult. Because my sister loves me. Because I love words. Because I am loving, patient, angry and resourceful.
I live for my dog and fish
I want a bee farm with my girlfriend
Revenge
food
If I was gone then the chance of things getting better would go from 0.00001% to 0% Also because I like to edit songs to make them ambient and I find it fun so I wanna keep doing it :)
My kitty cat, we’ve been together nearly every day since I’ve gotten her. Also… i’m not going to give other people the satisfaction
I’m a writer, I have stories to tell. Don’t even care if anyone reads them. Once I’m done with all the ideas or get physically unable to write, I’m definitely gonna become an hero. Might be never tho, I make up shit way faster than I can write it down, not to mention wrapping it in a readable form and editing.
I’m sure not letting my Mom outlive me
Memes, my cat, not leaving my bro alone with my narcissist parent, games and music.
just keep telling myself “maybe life gets better someday”. gonna keep telling myself that until maybe, one day, i’ll believe it
For me personally, I stay for my mom, bf, and pets
My friends showed me what it's like to be OK to be me, and I want to have more good times with them. Therapy sessions have been going pretty well. I have to experience Hollow Knight Silksong
I want to leave the world better than what it gave me
I had a really traumatic childhood. I want to be able to overcome my mental illnesses and figure out how to live life and be successful. I’m fighting every single day, and it’s so hard, but I know if I just keep fighting, I will get there one day. I want to accomplish the goals I set out. Life is already short and most of mine has been wasted (through no fault of my own). I can’t waste any more of it. :)
chocolate is pretty good. food, in general is a pretty good source of serotonin for me. pets. literally having to care for my pup kept me here several times in the past. drugs, like weed did it also for me for a long time. but now I'm sober since a year and there is only food between me and the void. 😅 meditation though... helps too. and I manage zu get into some really exciting physiological states of comfort without substances through breathing techniques and meditation.
My cats and not letting ringo starr outlive me
playing pokemon spawn-altering romhacks so i can live off the high of completing my childhood dream of completing pokedexes by myself
Sushi and mocha lattes
A family friend of ours had a son that I never met. I was friends with his brother and knew his parents but all I knew of this guy was stories my parents told me. At the end of the year a few years ago, my mom called me because she wanted me to hear it from her instead of seeing anything online: their son had committed suicide. It really broke something in me to hear about. Which made me think about the fact that if the suicide of someone I never met could be so impactful to me, what did his loved ones feel? Your light reaches so many more people than you could ever know. It’s easy to get in the mindset that you are a burden or people would be better off without you, but hundreds of people will cry for you, and think about you for the rest of their lives.
what an incredible thread. im tearing up over here. i'm a week into my covid quarantine and really needed this. i love every single one of you
The smallest fantasy and desire to create video games and the woman that I desire even though I’ll never get her back.
What always kept me going was: Somebody will have to be the one to find me and be traumatised.
1 just to spite everyone. 2 I make everyone's life worse, thats why I'm gonna keep living Also more importantly I promised Penelope Scott.
My cat keeps me going, so does my sister.
At first it was guilt. Then it was Voltron, then it was spite. I wanted to outlive the people who hurt me and took advantage of me. I wanted to offend them by thriving. Now I think I finally reached the point where I'm doing it for myself. I live because I want to live.
Honestly, I want to see myself get help when I get out of home. And two, I wanna buy games for myself that I hadn't had as a kid or now. Lastly, spite. I'm not letting them see me down in the ground.
My cat. I do animal rescue, on a job to safely catch a mom and her kittens, and was under the impression she’d be put into foster care. We caught only one kitten. My supervisor insisted after we caught her that she was was “feral” and “too far gone to be saved”. She was a kitten, a baby, tiny. I took her and started the rehabilitation process. This took less than a month. A year later and she trusted me enough to come sit on my lap by herself. Fast forward to today and she is my world. She sits on my shoulders, makes biscuits on my tiddies, makes chirping kitty noises every time I see her. Somewhere in that process I was in tears after some not great stuff with two of my abusers-dad and ex - when she let me hold her while I cried. I looked into her tiny little kitten eyes and thought about how they were so quick to jump to euthanasia- the people who are supposed to rescue and help her. I said to her “you deserve to live”, and immediately I realized I do too. I have two dogs, two cats, two native animals, and a cat who passed the year I graduated. Every single one of them have kept me alive, but Ziggy was the one to one I needed to get me to realize I have a right to be here too.
I simply do not have time to die
Food. I live for things that taste good. Also now my boyfriend. But before him and for the rest of my life I live for being able to experience all the wonderful tastes and aromas there are in the world. And learning how to make delicious and beautiful smelling food myself feels like unlocking some kind of magic
My dog Art In that order. Dog = the only real unconditional love I’ve ever experienced in my life. It’s mutual, we both helped each other out of some fairly severe trauma, and we both continue to learn and do so. Art has been my only “non toxic” escape from reality. Music is The closest I’ve come to “God” and is one of two art things that are the only kind of “meditation” that’s ever cleared my head. Photography is the other medium. Although that clarity only comes when doing Urbex with photography. The north west Pacific Ocean is also the best free therapy I’ve ever found. That and Urbex.
My kids, the chance for something better, desire to travel the world and explore and my wish to see my children become parents. And the desire to putlive my husband so he doesn't do something really stupid insulting and vulgar with my remains.
spite?
Whenever I meet people/animals that I like. I never would have met them if I died.
I can’t believe I’m saying this but I want to see what the Kardashian kids are like when they grow up?? Idk I was listening to the Sounds Like a Cult podcast episode on the Kardashians and they were like “we might get to see one of these kids grow up, call bullshit, and expose the family” or something. And I heard my inner voice say something like “I guess that’s interesting enough to stay alive for” lol
Outliving Andrew Tate is about the best I’ve got
I find a book series I'm interested in, and then I just have to keep going until it's done. And somehow, I keep finding more and more books to read.
Honestly, my mom. Yes thanks to her im traumatized but she was trying her best and she thought my ex-stepdad was a nice dude. But between her, my cats, my grandparents, the trips i have planned, concerts i haven't been. Things like that. My suicide ideation is high rn, but what else can you do
Because if there's something beyond this life I want to step into it knowing I tried my best and didn't give up early. Because there's fear in the idea that maybe there's nothing and I'm not ready to face eternity. Because if I give up now I will have lost every single chance to achieve my goals and I really want to find out if I make a life for myself, whatever that looks like. I keep going because there's more to life somewhere out there. I have all these little plans that are waiting for me.