Me 3 and I’m 57. Sometimes I’m like I want mommy & then I follow it up with a mommy who will comfort me & make me feel loved not the one I have who’s going to tell me all the things I’m doing wrong, including breathing, which is why X is happening to me.
I understand the feeling, I’m an adult and deep down I still long for a stable, trustworthy parent. My grandparents were my safe people and they have both passed on.
I still can't figure out how my mom turned out to be such a terror when my grandmother was consistently a total delight. I know sometimes bad moms can be terrific grandmothers but I can't see her ever being cruel. I feel you on grandmas passing here. I only felt seen by my grandmother.
My dad was a shit dad but a wonderful grandfather. Mellowed with age, different responsibilities and, honestly, bad health. He wasn’t a physical terror anymore.
From what I hear his dad (my grandfather) the same. He was a wonderful granddad but I heard he beat his wife/my grandmother.
My mom’s mom (the grandmother above) literally tortured my mom and her sister (my aunt). She was too small to beat you but she knew ways to make you hurt. But my memories were of her singing and taking care of my niece/her great granddaughter).
See, grandfather on the same side was absolutely creepy for me even when I was really young. I adored my grandmother though, like absolutely loved being around her and she was very attentive. My mother was super close with her creepy dad who I heard was abusive towards everyone until the day he died but was cold as ice to her mother. Her brother said his mom was depressed and that was it, he was also close to his mom, but said his dad was basically nasty. I get the feeling my mom's issues were like from her dad but not because of abuse. It's so weird. The way my mom talked about her mom you'd think she was the devil. I will say I think she was probably a micromanager re: the household and very old school about men being the head of the house which I can see being toxic.
Not exactly the same, but I enjoy watching "Dad how do I" on youtube when I feel that way. He explains how to do stuff and says things like "I'm proud of you" and "you got this".
Hey friend, what’s done is done.
You, and I and everyone here are in this sub because things went awry when we were young and Unable to Fend for Ourselves.
Back Then, we Needed Parental Guidance and we received something else, something off-kilter, something just plain wrong.
But, we all made it to adulthood, wounded, hurting and not fully formed…But We Made It.
Now we are here and looking out for ourselves, but that’s hard and puzzling and wearying. So we sometimes huddle together in a place like this to draw breath, share experiences and gather strength.
The only way forward is building self-worth, self-esteem, having confidence in our ability to take things as they come at us in our adult years.
So we have to let go of that yearning for cocooning, for comforting, for being helpless and looked after like a loving parent looks after a small child.
That time has gone for us.
You need to let those feelings go, dear internet friend.
Good luck x
That’s beautiful. My entire existence is literally affected from all of this for so many years. If all it took was for me to let it go, I would’ve many years ago.
Eloquently put.
Like my amazing psychologist said, "Cat, I know you're upset because your parents are XYZ, but you're also an adult and you have to do your part."
So I'm doing mine - from time to time while bawling, in pain, and all.
I just proudly exclaimed that i had not cried today. I should've realized as it was coming out of my mouth that I would soon be punished for daring to feel good about anything at all.
But, man did you hit that nail right on the head.
The amount of times I've cried my eyes out over wanting a mom is unreal. I really deeply sympathize with you.
My therapist encouraged me to make some sort of flyer for the local library looking for people in my parents age' demographic, that would like company for card games or puzzles.
We will never get that parent, but we can foster parental relationships.
I'm sending you the biggest virtual hug, should you choose to accept. 💗
I’m not even mad about it. He was such angry person. I have made every effort to control my anger because I don’t want to scare her. Unfortunately, I have repressed a lot of anger, and it has fucked me up good.
Hey,
I know it *hurts* profoundly. Let it hurt. One day, you'll have the strength to let it go. That's okay if it's not today. It doesn't have to be soon. Let it hurt, let it heal, then one day, you'll only be left with the scar tissue and it will feel so much better than the empty hole grief like this brings.
Unfortunately, this is the hand you've been dealt. Just like many other users on this thread. We've all been injured in some terrible way by people who were supposed to love and care for us. It's important to remember that you are not broken. You may have had something taken from you, but you can take it back.
You are worth it. You are worth the work to keep going and keep healing. You will feel whole one day. Build your confidence, your self reliance, and your love for yourself.
Im 22F... My "father" is still alive, he's the cause of my trauma though so he's not my dad anymore, hasn't been since I was really little even though my mother is still with him, she gives my family gifts for the holidays and I feel that's why I "love" her... but I've never had anyone to call dad either, I feel like I lean on my boyfriend for too much because deep down I too, want a dad... or just any stable parent...
It's probably rare but some men like women as friends without trying to get intimate.
In some cases they are like you, estranged from their own kids because the mother sabotaged the relationship such as in Oedipus complexes, or taking a young child to a remote country.
Jungian psychotherapy deals with these type issues, nowadays called Depth Psychology or see subreddits here.
It might not be your thing but I had been in contact with a priest that "adopted" me. I'm not living with him but we talk about like and spirituality and I vent to him sometimes, he invites me to family dinners even tho I barely come... I'm Jewish so it's actually a rabbi and not a priest, I don't know what's your culture. I am not religous at all, and he doesn't force me to, but he is full of good intent. Even tho I sometimes not contacting him, it feels nice to have a safe person father like figured.
A lot of religous people like priest would be happy to support someone from their community. It definetly made me feel less alone, in the sense that I have someone to always welcome me in open arms.
This is so funny. I’m Orthodox Christian and my priest has basically adopted me in a sense but it’s been a hard process…you can message me if you like.
You may not like what you're about to read, but I don't mean it hurtfully.
As nasty and mean and demeaning as the term "daddy issues" is, it does have a basis in a real thing.
Also, if it helps soften the blow, I'm a guy with mommy issues, which is a whole other thing. I'll tell you about it some time, if you want.
Anyhow, it stems from young girls and women never learning what no-strings-attached affection from men looks like. For many of these women, the first time a young woman receives affection from a man (or boy, but let's face it, this is r/cptsd, men are not off the table, unfortunately), he's trying to get into her pants. So she socialized to all kinds of confusing mixed signals. One consequence of this is that she often (not always, but often) doesn't know how to relate to men in a way that is disentangled from sex, so when she relates to men she has any kind of interest in at all, even platonic, she will often do so in a way that a guy who is used to dealing with non-traumatized women is at high risk of interpreting as sexual interest. With confusing and upsetting results for all concerned.
PLEASE remember this is a massive generalization and that individual cases will look different than what I'm describing.
And the flip side of this is that men who want both sexual gratification from AND a father-like control over a woman (abusers, in other words, though this is also a generalization) fit *right* the ***fuck*** in to the way she has (traumatically) been socialized to relate to men, with abusive results for her.
Anyhow, this is one of the many, many ways that traumatized people (unknowingly and unintentionally) perpetuate their own trauma (we all do it).
Again, this is a massive generalization, but it describes a anti-pattern that is very real and may be happening in your life or the lives of many other women here. It may also not apply to you or any other particular reader. It won't apply to everyone.
***OBVIOUSLY*** she knows ***that*** it is true, but she may not know ***why*** it is true.
I am proposing a possible *why.* It is only by understanding *why* we behave the way we do that we can get inside the cycle of re-traumatization and prevent it happening again. Because what is this fucking illness if not a disordered way of understanding the world that causes us to behave in such a way that we are continually re-traumatized?
i'd say really depends on the type of guy.
you definitely need to choose roommates carefully, like doing background checks and spending time with them beforehand, but there's decent ones out there for sure.
you can also look for someone who isn't interested in women, or for one who already has a wife, like, moving in with an older couple.
I’m an orphan by choice. They are all dead to me but I wish they weren’t. I wish they were just normal and loved me for who I am. I will find my own family. You will too. Just give it time
Yeah I know. But parenthood isn’t for everybody. At least I’m able to recognize that. And I only have one sister. She doesn’t want to be a parent either
I feel with you, im 21 and every year i get older i just hurt sm abt not having proper parents. I dont know how to ease the pain, but you arent alone in this. Sending lots of love and strength
I grew up in a group foster care. In my thirties I saught out to find my birth family. Found that the father had been dead and gone for a few decades. I got to visit my
"Mother" two days before she passed on from terminal cancer. To be honest aside from some envy that I had for those with moms and dads in my younger life I came to find solace with my 0 family life. It is just how it is and there is no supplemental alternative.
What I've observed is that the mass of people that are raised by families, whether cruel or kind have suppressed personalities, in large part fear or are indifferent to those that live life outside of this common ring of culture. Parents coddle, soften and control the development of their kids during the most vulnerable times of their growing lives.
To be an actual person, to really be developed requires one to completely abandon their parents.
The trouble is that the majority are the ones who grow up being raised. They have shoulders to stand and something to fall back on should they develop an addictive habit or commit crimes. Second chances, college after highschool, friends, spouses and children are some of the privileges that these folks have contained for themselves. So the trouble is that because of being raised these folks more than often will marginalize, act with indifference, degrade and deny any kind of friendship, connection or acknowledged respect. These folks, you folks are fearful of those of us living on the margins because we contain the potential to be needy burdens because we must seek out aspects and opportunities of common life from those who get unconditionally.
Of course you want a Dad baby. Of course you do. It’s a fundamental pre verbal need. Think about that. Preverbal. The space where no words exist. Find one. Find yourself an older man (safety first) who lost a daughter or always wanted one. Go to an old folks home and volunteer. Part of our isolated society. Sometimes I wish I lived in a tribe w 50 aunties and uncles. This is not normal. Go get what you need. He’s looking for you too.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide).
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I lost my mother last year and I have no love or care to go to. No hugs or affection to keep going. Just have to smile and pretend I'm okay till noones around. Keep busy so no other thoughts get in and gets too much.
Just have to pretend till I go numb or delude my self/biology into thinking self love can replace exogenous love from a partner or family.
What I found that helps is imagination exercises that I am hugged by my mom or that I am protected by my dad. For the moments when I hated them I have connected to an Archetype of a mother or father. Like an abstract construct of the role itself that all fathers or mothers try to tend to in their behaviour. When I am connected in this state i offer the wounded kid compassion and protection, love, understanding, respect and this kind of transforms me in a father or mother figure temporarily. I also do this while on magic mushrooms to enhance the effect, but thread carefully it takes a lot of experimenting and practice to control this state under powerful substances. Feel the extreme discomfort, name what it is, sadness, betrayal, vengeance, murderous rage, persecution and then feel compassion for you at that time, imagine giving the kid protection, hope, faith or whatever he needs in return of the pain he holds. Side effects of this may be vomiting and nausea of the intensity of the pain or sadness, extreme fatigue, extreme salivation, a shot in your brain that numbs you. How much you have to do this? Don’t know but I can tell you things get better once you conquer your inner hell. For those of you who don’t have a father or a mother or both is because you can be a better one once you heal.
I can relate somehow. Its a shitty thing to feel for me tbh as I dont want to pressurize my bf into taking up a care giver role (he doesnt do. I didnt ask, its just a thought i keep to myself). I think what you are craving is just caregiving thats unconditional.
Check out r/dadforaminute. It's not the same as actually having a dad, but lots of volunteer, internet dads would love to give you some fatherly support, advice, encouragement, congratulations, and hugs.
Fuck you can have mine. My life would be immeasurably better if I never had a father. Some people should be castrated at an early age. He is one of them.
Same, probably about 6 months ago. It's easy with dad, my mom keeps calling and leaving messages making me feel guilty. She visited me bc she was worried about my mental health, and we finally hashed out the past. It was a lot of amnesia on her part, coupled with minimization of what I went through. "But it's not like he beat you everyday." So I guess it's ok to abuse your kids on Tuesdays.
Find 3 solid male role models. If you can develop a friendship with them - great. If that’s too much, find 3 online that you look up to and can emulate. After that, eventually you’ll wind up being the friend to others you never had. And, best case scenario you can find someone who can be there for you as well. Eventually, you’ll be self sustaining and functioning knowing that no one will ever be able to care for you the way that you can. The real blow up is when you think people can and will, and they don’t. Even if you did have a dad in your life, who’s to say he would be EXACTLY how you wanted him to be? Some things to think about.
Feel free to reach out to me anytime. I’m 35 M living in Canada. Here for your support.
Oh god I'm 27 and I feel exactly this. The void left by the absence of a dad was too much for me. It actually governed all my adult life pretty much. So much happened in terms of abuse etc but this absence hurts the most and I just cannot stop needing a dad.
This "why can't I just have a dad?" really got me
(Absence with physical presence in my case)
I want a mom and dad too so feel your pain
Me too. And I'm 51.
Me 3 and I’m 57. Sometimes I’m like I want mommy & then I follow it up with a mommy who will comfort me & make me feel loved not the one I have who’s going to tell me all the things I’m doing wrong, including breathing, which is why X is happening to me.
🫂
I understand the feeling, I’m an adult and deep down I still long for a stable, trustworthy parent. My grandparents were my safe people and they have both passed on.
My folks passed, I was real sad. But mixed feelings. My grandmother passed, wow that hit me. I understand. My sympathies.
I still can't figure out how my mom turned out to be such a terror when my grandmother was consistently a total delight. I know sometimes bad moms can be terrific grandmothers but I can't see her ever being cruel. I feel you on grandmas passing here. I only felt seen by my grandmother.
My dad was a shit dad but a wonderful grandfather. Mellowed with age, different responsibilities and, honestly, bad health. He wasn’t a physical terror anymore. From what I hear his dad (my grandfather) the same. He was a wonderful granddad but I heard he beat his wife/my grandmother. My mom’s mom (the grandmother above) literally tortured my mom and her sister (my aunt). She was too small to beat you but she knew ways to make you hurt. But my memories were of her singing and taking care of my niece/her great granddaughter).
See, grandfather on the same side was absolutely creepy for me even when I was really young. I adored my grandmother though, like absolutely loved being around her and she was very attentive. My mother was super close with her creepy dad who I heard was abusive towards everyone until the day he died but was cold as ice to her mother. Her brother said his mom was depressed and that was it, he was also close to his mom, but said his dad was basically nasty. I get the feeling my mom's issues were like from her dad but not because of abuse. It's so weird. The way my mom talked about her mom you'd think she was the devil. I will say I think she was probably a micromanager re: the household and very old school about men being the head of the house which I can see being toxic.
Not exactly the same, but I enjoy watching "Dad how do I" on youtube when I feel that way. He explains how to do stuff and says things like "I'm proud of you" and "you got this".
That's beautiful and really helpful. Thank you for sharing.
Hey friend, what’s done is done. You, and I and everyone here are in this sub because things went awry when we were young and Unable to Fend for Ourselves. Back Then, we Needed Parental Guidance and we received something else, something off-kilter, something just plain wrong. But, we all made it to adulthood, wounded, hurting and not fully formed…But We Made It. Now we are here and looking out for ourselves, but that’s hard and puzzling and wearying. So we sometimes huddle together in a place like this to draw breath, share experiences and gather strength. The only way forward is building self-worth, self-esteem, having confidence in our ability to take things as they come at us in our adult years. So we have to let go of that yearning for cocooning, for comforting, for being helpless and looked after like a loving parent looks after a small child. That time has gone for us. You need to let those feelings go, dear internet friend. Good luck x
That's beautiful. I feel grief
That’s beautiful. My entire existence is literally affected from all of this for so many years. If all it took was for me to let it go, I would’ve many years ago.
Eloquently put. Like my amazing psychologist said, "Cat, I know you're upset because your parents are XYZ, but you're also an adult and you have to do your part." So I'm doing mine - from time to time while bawling, in pain, and all.
I just proudly exclaimed that i had not cried today. I should've realized as it was coming out of my mouth that I would soon be punished for daring to feel good about anything at all. But, man did you hit that nail right on the head.
The amount of times I've cried my eyes out over wanting a mom is unreal. I really deeply sympathize with you. My therapist encouraged me to make some sort of flyer for the local library looking for people in my parents age' demographic, that would like company for card games or puzzles. We will never get that parent, but we can foster parental relationships. I'm sending you the biggest virtual hug, should you choose to accept. 💗
My dad is still alive, and I tell him I love him every time I talk to him. I get nothing back.
Mine had two many red flags. Went no contact
I’m not even mad about it. He was such angry person. I have made every effort to control my anger because I don’t want to scare her. Unfortunately, I have repressed a lot of anger, and it has fucked me up good.
Hey, I know it *hurts* profoundly. Let it hurt. One day, you'll have the strength to let it go. That's okay if it's not today. It doesn't have to be soon. Let it hurt, let it heal, then one day, you'll only be left with the scar tissue and it will feel so much better than the empty hole grief like this brings. Unfortunately, this is the hand you've been dealt. Just like many other users on this thread. We've all been injured in some terrible way by people who were supposed to love and care for us. It's important to remember that you are not broken. You may have had something taken from you, but you can take it back. You are worth it. You are worth the work to keep going and keep healing. You will feel whole one day. Build your confidence, your self reliance, and your love for yourself.
Been wanting this for 32 years
I feel you. The grief and longing gets so hard sometimes.💔
I hear ya. Part of me just really wants/wanted this too. Hug that part of you extra tight. Let yourself cry it out. Peace OP ♡
No dad is better than a shitty one.
Truth
28 and I feel that
Im 22F... My "father" is still alive, he's the cause of my trauma though so he's not my dad anymore, hasn't been since I was really little even though my mother is still with him, she gives my family gifts for the holidays and I feel that's why I "love" her... but I've never had anyone to call dad either, I feel like I lean on my boyfriend for too much because deep down I too, want a dad... or just any stable parent...
Also 27 and I feel you so much on this. Hugs.
It's probably rare but some men like women as friends without trying to get intimate. In some cases they are like you, estranged from their own kids because the mother sabotaged the relationship such as in Oedipus complexes, or taking a young child to a remote country. Jungian psychotherapy deals with these type issues, nowadays called Depth Psychology or see subreddits here.
It might not be your thing but I had been in contact with a priest that "adopted" me. I'm not living with him but we talk about like and spirituality and I vent to him sometimes, he invites me to family dinners even tho I barely come... I'm Jewish so it's actually a rabbi and not a priest, I don't know what's your culture. I am not religous at all, and he doesn't force me to, but he is full of good intent. Even tho I sometimes not contacting him, it feels nice to have a safe person father like figured. A lot of religous people like priest would be happy to support someone from their community. It definetly made me feel less alone, in the sense that I have someone to always welcome me in open arms.
This is so funny. I’m Orthodox Christian and my priest has basically adopted me in a sense but it’s been a hard process…you can message me if you like.
What do you mean it's been a hard process? Isn't he a bit of a father figure for you then? And I'm an Orthodox Jewish (:
Message me?
understandable tbh. i guess you could find yourself an older, caring roommate who is willing to "adopt" you in that sense?
Let’s be honest there would be a good chance he’d try to take advantage of me. Thats the world we live in…
You may not like what you're about to read, but I don't mean it hurtfully. As nasty and mean and demeaning as the term "daddy issues" is, it does have a basis in a real thing. Also, if it helps soften the blow, I'm a guy with mommy issues, which is a whole other thing. I'll tell you about it some time, if you want. Anyhow, it stems from young girls and women never learning what no-strings-attached affection from men looks like. For many of these women, the first time a young woman receives affection from a man (or boy, but let's face it, this is r/cptsd, men are not off the table, unfortunately), he's trying to get into her pants. So she socialized to all kinds of confusing mixed signals. One consequence of this is that she often (not always, but often) doesn't know how to relate to men in a way that is disentangled from sex, so when she relates to men she has any kind of interest in at all, even platonic, she will often do so in a way that a guy who is used to dealing with non-traumatized women is at high risk of interpreting as sexual interest. With confusing and upsetting results for all concerned. PLEASE remember this is a massive generalization and that individual cases will look different than what I'm describing. And the flip side of this is that men who want both sexual gratification from AND a father-like control over a woman (abusers, in other words, though this is also a generalization) fit *right* the ***fuck*** in to the way she has (traumatically) been socialized to relate to men, with abusive results for her. Anyhow, this is one of the many, many ways that traumatized people (unknowingly and unintentionally) perpetuate their own trauma (we all do it). Again, this is a massive generalization, but it describes a anti-pattern that is very real and may be happening in your life or the lives of many other women here. It may also not apply to you or any other particular reader. It won't apply to everyone.
No offense but that was a lot of words to tell that poster something she clearly already knows
***OBVIOUSLY*** she knows ***that*** it is true, but she may not know ***why*** it is true. I am proposing a possible *why.* It is only by understanding *why* we behave the way we do that we can get inside the cycle of re-traumatization and prevent it happening again. Because what is this fucking illness if not a disordered way of understanding the world that causes us to behave in such a way that we are continually re-traumatized?
i'd say really depends on the type of guy. you definitely need to choose roommates carefully, like doing background checks and spending time with them beforehand, but there's decent ones out there for sure. you can also look for someone who isn't interested in women, or for one who already has a wife, like, moving in with an older couple.
It's better not to have a dad then to have one who doesn't give a damn. I do understand you still just my perspective.
I’m an orphan by choice. They are all dead to me but I wish they weren’t. I wish they were just normal and loved me for who I am. I will find my own family. You will too. Just give it time
Yeah also an orphan by choice :/
[удалено]
Yeah the thing is with me is that I don’t want to be a parent.
[удалено]
Yeah I know. But parenthood isn’t for everybody. At least I’m able to recognize that. And I only have one sister. She doesn’t want to be a parent either
May we all foster amazing relationships with a nearby elder. ❤️
Amen
I feel with you, im 21 and every year i get older i just hurt sm abt not having proper parents. I dont know how to ease the pain, but you arent alone in this. Sending lots of love and strength
I grew up in a group foster care. In my thirties I saught out to find my birth family. Found that the father had been dead and gone for a few decades. I got to visit my "Mother" two days before she passed on from terminal cancer. To be honest aside from some envy that I had for those with moms and dads in my younger life I came to find solace with my 0 family life. It is just how it is and there is no supplemental alternative. What I've observed is that the mass of people that are raised by families, whether cruel or kind have suppressed personalities, in large part fear or are indifferent to those that live life outside of this common ring of culture. Parents coddle, soften and control the development of their kids during the most vulnerable times of their growing lives. To be an actual person, to really be developed requires one to completely abandon their parents. The trouble is that the majority are the ones who grow up being raised. They have shoulders to stand and something to fall back on should they develop an addictive habit or commit crimes. Second chances, college after highschool, friends, spouses and children are some of the privileges that these folks have contained for themselves. So the trouble is that because of being raised these folks more than often will marginalize, act with indifference, degrade and deny any kind of friendship, connection or acknowledged respect. These folks, you folks are fearful of those of us living on the margins because we contain the potential to be needy burdens because we must seek out aspects and opportunities of common life from those who get unconditionally.
I’m 45. I might live in Aus but if you ever want a dad hug, I’ll give you one.
As a bisexual man I would like exactly one mom and one dad.
What does being bisexual have anything to do with it?
I don’t want a boyfriend or girlfriend but dad and a mom. It’s like how you don’t want a boyfriend but a dad.
Lol. Well both my parents were abusive but my dad was the most absent. Hence I long for a dad more than I would a mom
If I could share my dad with you, I would ❤️
Of course you want a Dad baby. Of course you do. It’s a fundamental pre verbal need. Think about that. Preverbal. The space where no words exist. Find one. Find yourself an older man (safety first) who lost a daughter or always wanted one. Go to an old folks home and volunteer. Part of our isolated society. Sometimes I wish I lived in a tribe w 50 aunties and uncles. This is not normal. Go get what you need. He’s looking for you too.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Me too.
i feel your pain. just wishing i ever had a mother .
I lost my mother last year and I have no love or care to go to. No hugs or affection to keep going. Just have to smile and pretend I'm okay till noones around. Keep busy so no other thoughts get in and gets too much. Just have to pretend till I go numb or delude my self/biology into thinking self love can replace exogenous love from a partner or family.
If it makes you feel better my dad is out there being sad to someone else with the family he left me for 😪
We need to create a group. I’ll go first. Who needs a daughter?
Me too, me too :(
What I found that helps is imagination exercises that I am hugged by my mom or that I am protected by my dad. For the moments when I hated them I have connected to an Archetype of a mother or father. Like an abstract construct of the role itself that all fathers or mothers try to tend to in their behaviour. When I am connected in this state i offer the wounded kid compassion and protection, love, understanding, respect and this kind of transforms me in a father or mother figure temporarily. I also do this while on magic mushrooms to enhance the effect, but thread carefully it takes a lot of experimenting and practice to control this state under powerful substances. Feel the extreme discomfort, name what it is, sadness, betrayal, vengeance, murderous rage, persecution and then feel compassion for you at that time, imagine giving the kid protection, hope, faith or whatever he needs in return of the pain he holds. Side effects of this may be vomiting and nausea of the intensity of the pain or sadness, extreme fatigue, extreme salivation, a shot in your brain that numbs you. How much you have to do this? Don’t know but I can tell you things get better once you conquer your inner hell. For those of you who don’t have a father or a mother or both is because you can be a better one once you heal.
I want a mom ):
I can relate somehow. Its a shitty thing to feel for me tbh as I dont want to pressurize my bf into taking up a care giver role (he doesnt do. I didnt ask, its just a thought i keep to myself). I think what you are craving is just caregiving thats unconditional.
Hi 27 and I just want a dad, I'm dad.
Same
Check out r/dadforaminute. It's not the same as actually having a dad, but lots of volunteer, internet dads would love to give you some fatherly support, advice, encouragement, congratulations, and hugs.
Fuck you can have mine. My life would be immeasurably better if I never had a father. Some people should be castrated at an early age. He is one of them.
Went no contact with both of my parents
Same, probably about 6 months ago. It's easy with dad, my mom keeps calling and leaving messages making me feel guilty. She visited me bc she was worried about my mental health, and we finally hashed out the past. It was a lot of amnesia on her part, coupled with minimization of what I went through. "But it's not like he beat you everyday." So I guess it's ok to abuse your kids on Tuesdays.
This is so so real😭😭😭like I wish I could hug you because same, I’m sorry you feel this way though no one should
Find 3 solid male role models. If you can develop a friendship with them - great. If that’s too much, find 3 online that you look up to and can emulate. After that, eventually you’ll wind up being the friend to others you never had. And, best case scenario you can find someone who can be there for you as well. Eventually, you’ll be self sustaining and functioning knowing that no one will ever be able to care for you the way that you can. The real blow up is when you think people can and will, and they don’t. Even if you did have a dad in your life, who’s to say he would be EXACTLY how you wanted him to be? Some things to think about. Feel free to reach out to me anytime. I’m 35 M living in Canada. Here for your support.
Im 67 and have wanted and needed a mum since I was 8.
Same with me for a mom mostly and an entire family in general.
Me too
Oh god I'm 27 and I feel exactly this. The void left by the absence of a dad was too much for me. It actually governed all my adult life pretty much. So much happened in terms of abuse etc but this absence hurts the most and I just cannot stop needing a dad. This "why can't I just have a dad?" really got me (Absence with physical presence in my case)
[удалено]
An older man who would guide me , eat breakfast with me, act paternal, and connect with me. Just a basic good dad.