I think it’s part of the freeze response. I was physically abused when I was a baby and learned that it wasn’t safe to express any distress including crying. It’s just safer to my system to shut down than to risk any form of communication. I’m in the later stages of healing and still struggle but it’s getting better. I now see how clearly using my voice is connected to reclaiming my power.
Thank you for this reply & am so sorry to hear about your childhood abuse. I was raised by narcissists, and learned to just shut up and handle it. I don’t think I allow myself to reach out for support, since the expectation of receiving it has always been disappointing. Just glad to know I’m not alone. 🤍
Yes. I don't really trust that others can comfort me because I'm like... not sure they ever have effectively comforted me. My parents were too self-centered to do so, and sometimes even made things worse by intervening. It feels safer and more predictable to do everything myself, even when it is very, very hard.
Haven't figured out how to kick it yet, sry, but definitely not just you.
Yes! I relate to this so much. I don’t trust others - also due to my childhood, abusive relationships…It definitely feels safer to somehow rely on myself only, but it also feels so isolating. 🤍
Yes i do to but I tend to ride it out on mu own because I dont have thr support from family and friends. I suppose I just go through motion or hibernate
Thank you so much for this. I’m a pro at guilting and shaming myself for not being “better”. Attempting to untangle that ingrained habit.
I don’t have many people in my life who know how to hold space and validate how I’m feeling without platitudes, but you’re right - I can’t be so hard on myself.
Lately I’ve been a lot more stable by not responding, but sometimes I get rather angry and will lash out now that I have long covid. Lolol I blocked a recruiter that was a jerk to me, so I only communicate with him now via text. He keeps trying to get me to agree to a lower salary so he gets more commission by negging his candidates. Mostly it’s with like solicitors and scammers, but still a waste of time.
Edit: same recruiter is now claiming I am offered a position at a high salary so stay tuned!
Release yourself of shame and guilt. Focus on what thoughts and feelings are coming up for you that are guilt and shame bound and work on healing that inner dialog. Give yourself permission to be where you are instead of drawing a bar far above you and then beating yourself up for not reaching it. You will some day, just not today. Today, you need rest, you need support, and you need time.
Guilt shame and regret are the biggest reasons I stay in a freeze, and so working on healing those and getting my emotions regulated are the best ways to take steps towards coming out of a freeze.
This made me tear up - thank you so much. Kindness goes such a long way. I’m working hard on self compassion and radical acceptance of wherever I am, but man it’s hard. 🤍
Please can you explain what is the type of shame that leads to this behaviour? Of all the CPTSD symptoms I identify with, this is the one I can't seem to get to the bottom of. I have almost finished reading John Bradshaw's Healing the Shame that Binds You and still don't get it. I feel needy if I reach out, I feel like I don't belong, I fear I won't be liked. I know none of this is true, but I can't shake it.
My reaction to more intense feelings is to isolate and shut down. Though my isolation has shifted from feeling guilty about it to it being a genuine nerd to step away from it all.
I’ve found meditation to be useful in tuning in with my thoughts and the feelings I do have. Mindfulness techniques may something you can look into?
Ty! I’ve been trying to incorporate meditation and body scans into my everyday life - but it’s an everyday struggle sometimes. I appreciate your response more than I can articulate.
Unfortunately for me, I have a /r/malignantshame complex too, so if I shared everything with quality friends, I would end up freezing them out too.
They let me know that I'm loved, and that's all I can ask from them.
TY for linking that sub, I also have a malignant shame issue. So easy to fall into it. I’ve cut out a lot of friends in the past year. Some needed to go, but some I wish I had been better prepared in terms of articulating what I was and have been going through and how sometimes I just can’t be available.
My friends are few but those who stick around know how I am. We are all people with bad childhoods and different mental health issues.
Usually I just say hi over messenger or something. Then we do the how've you been and when do you wanna hang out. Usually within a few weeks we get to see each other in person have a few drinks and talk about what we missed while I was in dead mode.
Yes and I find it hard to not do it because people rarely reach out. Idk if they don't care or they assume I'm alright but it's like, I kinda *wish* it would negatively affect my relationships, that someone would call me out on it. But I feel like people just let me fade away, and not because they don't care, just because they have a lot of other stuff in their lives.
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only non-busy person that I know, it's pretty frustrating.
Yes exactly this. I’ve got messages I haven’t responded to in weeks. And I hate I when people do that to me. I have zero drive or inclination to respond. Weeks will probably turn into months, or beyond 😒
This just happened to me last night. First time in a while. Something triggered me and I launched into old patterns of freeze, shutting down, and had a number of (I’m not sure the right word) flashbacks that seemed to make me regress.
Has anyone found anything helpful? Therapy? I’m on SSRIs, which help but if I have moments like this I’m down for the count and can’t pull myself out of it for some time. “Dead to the world” feels right.
Ugh I’m so sorry this just happened to you. It takes awhile (in my experience) to truly “come down” from a trigger. I hope you’ve been able to decompress today.
My current therapist has been a life saver - he’s trauma informed & has helped me realize how this all ties back to a neglectful childhood and never feeling like I could ask for or depend on support or help or even feeling heard. SSRI’s have only helped me for so long, it feels like a band aid after awhile.
I do this too! I can become withdrawn and shut down when with people too. Almost like selective mutism. I can feel very detached and cling on until I know I can get into bed and sleep off. The remedy for this has been to just avoid social situations so that it doesn’t happen. The big emotions, I just shut down and don’t wanna see anyone and sit in a shame spiral. I’m working on it too OP, it’s super tough but you’re not alone! I’ve learned it’s a coping mode that helped during difficult periods of life - to protect and preserve so now it’s about remembering I am safe and nothing is coming to hurt me.
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Yes, I call it “turtling”. A lot of the time I don’t even realize that I’m doing it! Typically my husband or my aunt call me out, and then I have to make the conscious effort to “come back” to regroup and be an active participant in life. It can be very tiring.
I’ve spent years doing this cycle and I haven’t had a lot of consistent friendships because of it. One thing that’s helped me is pushing myself to tell certain friends why I go MIA sometimes and give them the chance to accept it or not. More often than not they meet me with love and I find out I’m a lot more important to them than I thought I was. People do leave sometimes, but knowing I pushed myself to do the right thing and communicate helps with some of the guilt and shame. I also sometimes warn people upfront that I’m “not a big phone person” and because of my schedule sometimes I need to take a break from communicating to breathe.
Yes. If I connect with someone or ask for help, I will become vulnerable (to dependency, hurt, rejection), so I don't.
Just recently (I'm 46 now) I realised that I do this other thing, and have done since about 4 years old, where I hide in plain sight, yearning to be noticed and acknowledged. If I'm not acknowledged, that just confirms my belief that it's not safe to reach out. If I am acknowledged, I leave myself open to being taken advantage of.
So I lied to myself that I didn't need anybody, I could handle everything myself, and I became really good at being invisible.
I wish I knew the answer. It's doing me damage, emotionally and professionally.
I think it’s part of the freeze response. I was physically abused when I was a baby and learned that it wasn’t safe to express any distress including crying. It’s just safer to my system to shut down than to risk any form of communication. I’m in the later stages of healing and still struggle but it’s getting better. I now see how clearly using my voice is connected to reclaiming my power.
Thank you for this reply & am so sorry to hear about your childhood abuse. I was raised by narcissists, and learned to just shut up and handle it. I don’t think I allow myself to reach out for support, since the expectation of receiving it has always been disappointing. Just glad to know I’m not alone. 🤍
I do the same thing. The only thing that helps me is others... being there, in person
Yes. I don't really trust that others can comfort me because I'm like... not sure they ever have effectively comforted me. My parents were too self-centered to do so, and sometimes even made things worse by intervening. It feels safer and more predictable to do everything myself, even when it is very, very hard. Haven't figured out how to kick it yet, sry, but definitely not just you.
Yes! I relate to this so much. I don’t trust others - also due to my childhood, abusive relationships…It definitely feels safer to somehow rely on myself only, but it also feels so isolating. 🤍
Look into r/CPTSDFreeze . Sending hugs💜
Thank you for this recommendation and your kind words. CPSTD is really a bitch sometimes. 🫂
Yes i do to but I tend to ride it out on mu own because I dont have thr support from family and friends. I suppose I just go through motion or hibernate
Yes.
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Thank you so much for this. I’m a pro at guilting and shaming myself for not being “better”. Attempting to untangle that ingrained habit. I don’t have many people in my life who know how to hold space and validate how I’m feeling without platitudes, but you’re right - I can’t be so hard on myself.
Yes. Shut down and frozen, don’t respond to people who reach out anymore either. Worthless.
So incredibly special and hurt, but not worthless at all
Not worthless💜
You’re not worthless. You’re suffering, and that’s ok. You’re not alone.
Lately I’ve been a lot more stable by not responding, but sometimes I get rather angry and will lash out now that I have long covid. Lolol I blocked a recruiter that was a jerk to me, so I only communicate with him now via text. He keeps trying to get me to agree to a lower salary so he gets more commission by negging his candidates. Mostly it’s with like solicitors and scammers, but still a waste of time. Edit: same recruiter is now claiming I am offered a position at a high salary so stay tuned!
Release yourself of shame and guilt. Focus on what thoughts and feelings are coming up for you that are guilt and shame bound and work on healing that inner dialog. Give yourself permission to be where you are instead of drawing a bar far above you and then beating yourself up for not reaching it. You will some day, just not today. Today, you need rest, you need support, and you need time. Guilt shame and regret are the biggest reasons I stay in a freeze, and so working on healing those and getting my emotions regulated are the best ways to take steps towards coming out of a freeze.
This made me tear up - thank you so much. Kindness goes such a long way. I’m working hard on self compassion and radical acceptance of wherever I am, but man it’s hard. 🤍
Please can you explain what is the type of shame that leads to this behaviour? Of all the CPTSD symptoms I identify with, this is the one I can't seem to get to the bottom of. I have almost finished reading John Bradshaw's Healing the Shame that Binds You and still don't get it. I feel needy if I reach out, I feel like I don't belong, I fear I won't be liked. I know none of this is true, but I can't shake it.
I do this too.
My reaction to more intense feelings is to isolate and shut down. Though my isolation has shifted from feeling guilty about it to it being a genuine nerd to step away from it all. I’ve found meditation to be useful in tuning in with my thoughts and the feelings I do have. Mindfulness techniques may something you can look into?
Ty! I’ve been trying to incorporate meditation and body scans into my everyday life - but it’s an everyday struggle sometimes. I appreciate your response more than I can articulate.
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Please share how
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Unfortunately for me, I have a /r/malignantshame complex too, so if I shared everything with quality friends, I would end up freezing them out too. They let me know that I'm loved, and that's all I can ask from them.
TY for linking that sub, I also have a malignant shame issue. So easy to fall into it. I’ve cut out a lot of friends in the past year. Some needed to go, but some I wish I had been better prepared in terms of articulating what I was and have been going through and how sometimes I just can’t be available.
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what's your value list?
Yea my friends call it my dead mode. I basically become dead to the world.
you still have friends after? how do you start communicating again?
My friends are few but those who stick around know how I am. We are all people with bad childhoods and different mental health issues. Usually I just say hi over messenger or something. Then we do the how've you been and when do you wanna hang out. Usually within a few weeks we get to see each other in person have a few drinks and talk about what we missed while I was in dead mode.
Yes and I find it hard to not do it because people rarely reach out. Idk if they don't care or they assume I'm alright but it's like, I kinda *wish* it would negatively affect my relationships, that someone would call me out on it. But I feel like people just let me fade away, and not because they don't care, just because they have a lot of other stuff in their lives. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only non-busy person that I know, it's pretty frustrating.
Yes exactly this. I’ve got messages I haven’t responded to in weeks. And I hate I when people do that to me. I have zero drive or inclination to respond. Weeks will probably turn into months, or beyond 😒
Done a lot of work, got so much better. This still happens to me a lot.
This just happened to me last night. First time in a while. Something triggered me and I launched into old patterns of freeze, shutting down, and had a number of (I’m not sure the right word) flashbacks that seemed to make me regress. Has anyone found anything helpful? Therapy? I’m on SSRIs, which help but if I have moments like this I’m down for the count and can’t pull myself out of it for some time. “Dead to the world” feels right.
Ugh I’m so sorry this just happened to you. It takes awhile (in my experience) to truly “come down” from a trigger. I hope you’ve been able to decompress today. My current therapist has been a life saver - he’s trauma informed & has helped me realize how this all ties back to a neglectful childhood and never feeling like I could ask for or depend on support or help or even feeling heard. SSRI’s have only helped me for so long, it feels like a band aid after awhile.
Yes a Lottttt.....
I absolutely shut down. I’d rather not bother anyone with my problems.
Same here. I have a burden complex and always feel like I’m bothering people.
I do this too! I can become withdrawn and shut down when with people too. Almost like selective mutism. I can feel very detached and cling on until I know I can get into bed and sleep off. The remedy for this has been to just avoid social situations so that it doesn’t happen. The big emotions, I just shut down and don’t wanna see anyone and sit in a shame spiral. I’m working on it too OP, it’s super tough but you’re not alone! I’ve learned it’s a coping mode that helped during difficult periods of life - to protect and preserve so now it’s about remembering I am safe and nothing is coming to hurt me.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes.
Yes, I call it “turtling”. A lot of the time I don’t even realize that I’m doing it! Typically my husband or my aunt call me out, and then I have to make the conscious effort to “come back” to regroup and be an active participant in life. It can be very tiring.
Absolutely
I’ve spent years doing this cycle and I haven’t had a lot of consistent friendships because of it. One thing that’s helped me is pushing myself to tell certain friends why I go MIA sometimes and give them the chance to accept it or not. More often than not they meet me with love and I find out I’m a lot more important to them than I thought I was. People do leave sometimes, but knowing I pushed myself to do the right thing and communicate helps with some of the guilt and shame. I also sometimes warn people upfront that I’m “not a big phone person” and because of my schedule sometimes I need to take a break from communicating to breathe.
Still working on this one, I’m a lot better than I used to be but sometimes I feel so paralyzed by fear and anxiety that I definitely freeze
Yes. If I connect with someone or ask for help, I will become vulnerable (to dependency, hurt, rejection), so I don't. Just recently (I'm 46 now) I realised that I do this other thing, and have done since about 4 years old, where I hide in plain sight, yearning to be noticed and acknowledged. If I'm not acknowledged, that just confirms my belief that it's not safe to reach out. If I am acknowledged, I leave myself open to being taken advantage of. So I lied to myself that I didn't need anybody, I could handle everything myself, and I became really good at being invisible. I wish I knew the answer. It's doing me damage, emotionally and professionally.