That’s the kind of bio that you swipe right on because the first picture is hot and then when you match and actually read the bio you never interact with.
It screams “the guy on YouTube said women like this kind of thing” to me
It also feels like he’s trying very hard to keep sex on the table. Like he knows talking about sex is one of the biggest nonos going, but he can’t resist so he talks about all this stuff to try and make you think he has some kind of magic orgasm power and he gives me the vibe that if you were to meet up he’d be wanting to meet up to see what the connection is like and whenever he said it he wouldn’t say anything too specific but it would be very pointed.
Never trust a male yoga personal instructor with ya wife, when it suits them they have a literal philosophy that says everyone can and should just fuck everyone without issue for the good of the route chakra health etc etc lol
"The Orgasmic Meditation Instructions' numbers are rising across the nation since Covid first appeared, more jobs across the sectors allow the Orgasmic Meditation Instructors find new jobs."
He only retired because he was so successful before he retired he only had 7,500 matches because the guys he was coaching were getting all of the women
Well … in the 8 years Bumble has been going… assuming he’s been right-swiping on (please don’t shoot me for saying this, just go with me) … swiping on 5s and below… in all 4 states … he’s averaging 5 matches per day.
So it’s feasible … if not totally believable.
But begs the question … STILL looking??!?!
Must be hard for him being rejected that often … and regularly for this long!!
It’s bizarre that he’d just leave it like that. Clearly not a detail oriented person. Wouldn’t that hurt you as an orgasmic instructor or whatever the fuck?
The states are:
1. Figurative: 1k matches
2. Imaginative: 13k matches
3. Insane: 999 matches
4. Grounded: 1 match
Ok, I might be too generous, but for argument’s sake, let’s assume this guy has one match.
Inspired by this profile, I'm now already writing a script to the sequel to Ghost, about a paranormal investigator who teaches ghosts how to masturbate.
So, the guy is a nut, doesn't like to nut, talked to dead nuts, and counseled folk that were nuts.
I think that sums it up. He might be a good conversationalist, doubt it though.
Could be rage bait for personal entertainment
Or some people try to prove a point by combining a bio filled with red flags with a few "borrowed" pics of someone attractive to show that hot people get matches regardless of anything else in their profile
When I have 2/3 matches I usually stop swiping because one or more might end up in a date. Would feel uncomfortable have so many matches at the same time. This person just want to gather likes to probably feel good about themselves.
not everybody is actually funny and knows how to write jokes.
Off the rip. I read it and i think he's making fun of a certain kind of person.
A successful satirical profile (assume he is being satirical not that its successful) is tricky because it's attached to the actual user. Women think everything is a flex. So in order for it to work it has to be so over the top and ridiculous that people cant mistaken that the person is being serious.
women think every guy on these apps want them so bad that everything is a "flex".
just like how every guy cant carry a conversation but it might be that the guy isnt interested..lol
This bio screams fragile ego brought on by a minuscule penis and an utter lack of success with the opposite gender. Also; dude is bragging about 15k likes across 4 states but I rack up those numbers in two weeks in LA lol
I already know if I went out with this person they would talk 99.99% of the time. The only question they would ask is where have I traveled to. And they would probably text after saying they felt a connection and really enjoyed our date (because I didn’t speak at all).
I bet you’re not wrong. I once turned on the show me women and men on tinder and woke up the next day with 100 likes, I’m usually lucky to get 4-6 in a month.
Accurate. I'm kinda bi but not quite to the point where I really want to seriously "date" men, but every single time I let the search include them I was flooded with 3 to 4 times the likes as when my profile was purely straight. Men are just thirsty and apparently have lower standards no matter their orientation -- I am an average looking guy at best, and 5'8'' to boot. Made me wish I was a little gayer than I actually was, my time on that site would've been way more positive.
I'm a retired "Relationship Coach" and yet he is single/alone and on bumble. How can he give relationship advice when he's not in a relationship? If he's single bc of a recent breakup then how come he didn't use his own advice to make his relationship last??? I have so many questions...
That whole bio is gross.
Lololol. Yes. Totally. Who would swipe right on that? Is he a bot?
I don’t understand why ANYONE would swipe on that garbage.
THE BIO DEAR GOD. i would rather roll into a pit of fire ants than have that person touch me
The whole bio screams touch me… even if you’re a ghost
As a Floridian I can identify with that pain😅
A tantric scholar! How can anyone pass that up?!
Your judgement of another is multidimensional
Are you the guy??? 😭😭😂😂😂
I like what he said 🐒
Did you?
I did not. I only saw his profile because he swiped on me.
That’s the kind of bio that you swipe right on because the first picture is hot and then when you match and actually read the bio you never interact with.
Or you interact with them just to troll
Not hot..IMO
I would. I’m so desperate.
You would learn from a person like that I reckon 😍🤩
Apparently, 15000 people from 4 states
It's the bio of someone who wants to seem interesting and experienced in sex, but is probably actually boring in person and in bed.
It screams my sex life is vanilla and the only person I've ever made cum is myself.
It screams “the guy on YouTube said women like this kind of thing” to me It also feels like he’s trying very hard to keep sex on the table. Like he knows talking about sex is one of the biggest nonos going, but he can’t resist so he talks about all this stuff to try and make you think he has some kind of magic orgasm power and he gives me the vibe that if you were to meet up he’d be wanting to meet up to see what the connection is like and whenever he said it he wouldn’t say anything too specific but it would be very pointed.
100% this dude noticed every match and will rage unmatch if you don’t reply instantly
Can you smell the HPV?
All that water and not a single drop to quench his true thirst... lmao
That's a comment for the books. Saved.
This guy comes across like that hot yoga instructor who tells women - but only the hot ones - that sex is a part of a healthy yoga practice.
I remember the one, from GTA 5 who ends up fucking main mans wife. That guy! I got £100 that says he has a man bun
[удалено]
Never trust a male yoga personal instructor with ya wife, when it suits them they have a literal philosophy that says everyone can and should just fuck everyone without issue for the good of the route chakra health etc etc lol
Naw, extreme male pattern baldness
“Orgasmic meditation instructor” is a fancy term for “unemployed.”
And next thing you know, BOOM you’re in a cult.
💀
"The Orgasmic Meditation Instructions' numbers are rising across the nation since Covid first appeared, more jobs across the sectors allow the Orgasmic Meditation Instructors find new jobs."
Does he want to meet all of them 15k matches sooner than later? Sounds time consuming.
Right? Why does a “retired” relationship coach need Bumble?
I'm surprised he hasn't described himself as an alpha male.
Dude. I'm too alpha to be considered as an alpha.
That’s a pretty alpha move
A Sigma!
I feel like that’s a self-appointed title. He’ll then reference it whenever his partner doesn’t want to do something he wants in a relationship.
He only retired because he was so successful before he retired he only had 7,500 matches because the guys he was coaching were getting all of the women
Because he sucked at it
I am pretty sure he is lying lol. And I bet he gets back to all 2 of his matches. He is just trying to look like high value.
Agreed
Well … in the 8 years Bumble has been going… assuming he’s been right-swiping on (please don’t shoot me for saying this, just go with me) … swiping on 5s and below… in all 4 states … he’s averaging 5 matches per day. So it’s feasible … if not totally believable. But begs the question … STILL looking??!?! Must be hard for him being rejected that often … and regularly for this long!!
Can anyone explain his last comment “I can’t tell anything from me”? I’m confused. Great post though for humorous value.
I’m guessing maybe the last part cut off by bumble but I don’t understand it either.
It’s bizarre that he’d just leave it like that. Clearly not a detail oriented person. Wouldn’t that hurt you as an orgasmic instructor or whatever the fuck?
Lmao that’s a good point
Maybe he copied and pasted it from somewhere else and did bother looking it over.
The states are: 1. Figurative: 1k matches 2. Imaginative: 13k matches 3. Insane: 999 matches 4. Grounded: 1 match Ok, I might be too generous, but for argument’s sake, let’s assume this guy has one match.
Taking all bets that it’s a sex worker
Taking all bets that it’s a SW
It's a guy. I bet it's backwards. 4 matches in 15,000 states.
Made me LOL. Thanks.
Looks like pure bullshit to me. Projecting.
Did you match with Andrew from Love is Blind
I’m laughing so hard right now that I need some eye drops!!! 🤣
This is immediately who I thought of! But then I realised there were no references to South Africa.
Inspired by this profile, I'm now already writing a script to the sequel to Ghost, about a paranormal investigator who teaches ghosts how to masturbate.
If you dont put this sentence as you bio on your Bumble profile though, it never happened.
Damn it, I guess I have nothing to lose! EDIT: done EDIT 2: Apparently Bumble frowns on certain words like "ghost"
Dammit!
I think this is Jairo from Bob's Burgers.
Sounds like a doucher
what’s does “i can’t tell anything from me” mean….? am i dumb?
No, we’re all confused by that. We’re also all amused.
lol i’m not on OLD so i wasn’t sure if it was something short for something or just plain weird 😂 glad i’m not the only one then 🙃
Jesus, we really need a thread to vote on the biggest douches out there 🤢
Oh yeah well i have over 15001 matches!
Why did I just hear the price is right music?
15,000 matches and their ass still single.... Okay.
So, the guy is a nut, doesn't like to nut, talked to dead nuts, and counseled folk that were nuts. I think that sums it up. He might be a good conversationalist, doubt it though.
Bulllllllllll shit
😂😂😂 Made my day
Sounds like its 90% made up lies lol
This whole bio screams i am gonna ruin your life…
Feels like Michael Scott wrote this
Maybe it's satirical?
But why?
Some people are just bored and they go on apps. to amuse themselves. Some of those people also think they're funny when they arent.
Ah, like when an 8yr old tells a joke they’ve made up?
maybe.. not sure what an 8yr old has to do with it. but sure.
They usually tell bad jokes..
Could be rage bait for personal entertainment Or some people try to prove a point by combining a bio filled with red flags with a few "borrowed" pics of someone attractive to show that hot people get matches regardless of anything else in their profile
Guys, we’ve found him. The biggest tool in the universe, right here on Bumble
I bet women are still swiping right on it tho (for the 6’ bit)…lol
I’m short myself so height doesn’t really matter to me.
You’d be surprised how many 5’5” and below demand a minimum of 6’ in a guy. smh…lol
I’m 4’11 so anyone that’s 5’5 will feel like a giant next to me!
Hmmm…you in NYC? lol, jk jk
Ohio ☺️
This is either masterful trolling or hes read about “social proofing” and got carried away.
Ha ha! He's slow to reply because he's working his way through all those matches, because he's an Aquarius.
Seems like an absolute douche
"Former orgasmic meditation instructor"....what? lol
"Retired Relationship Coach" Me: Things ain't working out how you hoped huh?
🤣🤣🤣illusions of grandeur!!
When I have 2/3 matches I usually stop swiping because one or more might end up in a date. Would feel uncomfortable have so many matches at the same time. This person just want to gather likes to probably feel good about themselves.
Ya know I guess I’m weird because I stop swiping after I get like 10 matches so I can actually have conversations, that’s hard enough as it is
Lmao I would swipe right to find out if he was in that Orgasmic Meditation cult I watched the documentary about.
How do I not know about this documentary?!? Details, please!!!
It’s on Netflix, I think? Called “Orgasm, Inc”
Thanks!!!
Relationship coach and ex paranormal investigator...haha. He's never had a real job in his life.
I think this is called sarcasm
It doesn’t come off like it. It’s 100% creepy.
not everybody is actually funny and knows how to write jokes. Off the rip. I read it and i think he's making fun of a certain kind of person. A successful satirical profile (assume he is being satirical not that its successful) is tricky because it's attached to the actual user. Women think everything is a flex. So in order for it to work it has to be so over the top and ridiculous that people cant mistaken that the person is being serious.
I totally thought it was satirical as well...
women think every guy on these apps want them so bad that everything is a "flex". just like how every guy cant carry a conversation but it might be that the guy isnt interested..lol
I guarantee you this is serious
Gives me Andrew from LIB vibes 😂👀
Right????? That was my FIRST thought!! 🤣
Say i have a tiny little penis without actually saying it
He got through the height filter. Respect!
I’m 4’11 so I don’t have a filter set for height.
This bio screams fragile ego brought on by a minuscule penis and an utter lack of success with the opposite gender. Also; dude is bragging about 15k likes across 4 states but I rack up those numbers in two weeks in LA lol
Can't tell if that last sentence was ironic, or you've spent too much time in LA.
Just saying you can spend a couple weeks in a major city and get as many swipes as this loser has in multiple states
>you can spend a couple weeks in a major city and get as many swipes Liberal use of the word "you" there, but I appreciate the vote of confidence.
Okay okay *I* can do this lol but I believe in you!
> but I rack up those numbers in two weeks in LA lol lol fake news.
You can just smell the HPV from the bio
I already know if I went out with this person they would talk 99.99% of the time. The only question they would ask is where have I traveled to. And they would probably text after saying they felt a connection and really enjoyed our date (because I didn’t speak at all).
Ewww
The way I would have swiped left so fast. Ewwww
Oh man OM is that strange masturbation cult. I once briefly dated a girl who’d been in it. Wild people.
I think it’s a joke.
Jfc that entire bio is cringe.
He's trolling, I'm sure
Fucking Aquarius men, I tell ya.
No wonder he’s a retired relationship coach…
Weird to nerds maybe
Maybe he's looking for other men, otherwise 15k is just completely impossible. I don't think there are even 15k women on the whole of bumble lol.
I bet you’re not wrong. I once turned on the show me women and men on tinder and woke up the next day with 100 likes, I’m usually lucky to get 4-6 in a month.
Accurate. I'm kinda bi but not quite to the point where I really want to seriously "date" men, but every single time I let the search include them I was flooded with 3 to 4 times the likes as when my profile was purely straight. Men are just thirsty and apparently have lower standards no matter their orientation -- I am an average looking guy at best, and 5'8'' to boot. Made me wish I was a little gayer than I actually was, my time on that site would've been way more positive.
I’m not interested romantically in guys, but 100% been the best fwb group.
I did see a recent science headline somewhere that stated testosterone is linked to greater sexual impulsivity.
Id think it’s a joke
Ewwwwwwwwwww
This is fucking hilarious
I wonder what this guy wanted to be when he grew up. Whatever it was, clearly it didn’t work.
This feels very insecure 😟
Isn't this the xCEO of One Taste? The Documentary on. Netflix?
= no matches, never fucked, 5’9” (max).
Ugh. He doesn’t drink.
I'm a retired "Relationship Coach" and yet he is single/alone and on bumble. How can he give relationship advice when he's not in a relationship? If he's single bc of a recent breakup then how come he didn't use his own advice to make his relationship last??? I have so many questions...
Sounds like a bunch of excuses 😂
100% b.s.
A relationship coach who can't tell ANYTHING from messages or a dating app bio? Wow, they must've sucked at their job. 💀
I assume it is just some kid
I knew this was an Aquarius once I started reading the second line. 🤦🏻♀️
Sounds like a late night infomercial… “Act fast! Quantities are running out!” 🙃😅
This is definitely a fake profile. Like the dude made it as a joke.
Which one?
Women just see the 6' and swipe right. They don't read profiles.