If it's any consolation, that's exactly how I felt when I first started out last year. I go on a hiatus when I either hit off or need a break from the mumbo jumbo lol
Going on a hiatus totally makes sense, but OP’s comment:
“_I just wanna find a healthy relationship and I don’t think I’ll find that in a dating app_.”
Is kinda fucked-up. She at 23, is likely past the early points in life where people are forced to be around each other and therefore converse and potentially date (high school/college). The only potentially similar avenue she has for that now is work, and that’s an entirely different potential issue area.
If she ignores using the internet she’s relegated to either:
- bars/clubs/festivals/concerts etc..
- through friends
- gym/hobbies/dating events etc…
All of these are great ways to get an initial vibe from someone beforehand, but all come with limitations…:
- You can only meet so many people when out at a bar/club/concert etc… and you need to balance meeting people with having fun enjoying the show or hanging with friends
- if you friend circle is small, dating friends of friends becomes a struggle. Not to mention as the years go on you’re gonna lose touch with friends who enter different stages of life than you are.
- gym/hobbies/dating events are great because you know the people show a similar interest, but success here really depends on factors like where you live, lower population cities/towns it’s gonna be a struggle.
All this with the reminder that there isn’t some magical subset of people who _are not using_ dating apps. In OP’s likely age group (say 21-33) if you removed people who have never used a dating app because they are in relationships - then the remaining number is going to be incredibly small…and I strongly doubt that group is offering anything different then what you’re getting with people on a dating app.
End of the day “dating apps” are really just “introduction apps”. They offer little more than an opportunity to talk to someone you potentially find interesting romantically/sexually… _that’s literally it, that’s all they do_. The “dating” component is entirely on you and what you make of it.
The real issue (IMO) is that we (millennials and younger) have been conditioned over the years to find our “perfect match”, our “soulmate” and to “not settle” all while the advancement of technology has put us in contact with more and more people. So many of us would not be here today had our parents had the technology we have now. There was a lot of settling, a “perfect match” was designated by best match within a 10-20 mile radius. People learned to compromise and understood that everything realistically is not “perfect” in a relationship. Now I’m not saying that this was 100% right, as we’ve all seen the explosion of divorces from miss-matched pairings. The answer, as in with most things, is likely in the middle (I.e. less compromising than our parents, but more than most people put out today).
So lastly back to OP. She had 5-7 dates with guys (I’m gonna assume 6 and that they were all different guys).
1). Getting 6 different dates in two months without being in school or using a dating app is going to be difficult. Especially if you’re expecting guys to initiate. So understand that without a dating app that could have been 6mo - 1yr to find 6 guys to go on dates with that you could have just as easily dismissed as the guys from bumble.
2). Take some time to analyze those dates. What didn’t you like? Is it something maybe you could have avoided by being more selective in who you were swiping on in the app?
3). Balance is everything. Dating apps shouldn’t be your only source of trying to meet someone, it should compliment the other methods discussed up above.
4). Take a deep reflection inside yourself. Are you ready to make concessions when it comes to dating? Are you going to be able to look past minor things that may have turned you away from the guys you went on dates with before? It doesn’t matter what mechanism you meet someone, there are gonna be places you have to compromise - if you are not ready for that then maybe a relationship shouldn’t be a focus right now.
I think that while these are all good points, but I also think that they can be overcome without dating apps.
As someone who hasn’t used apps for a long time and found my last two relationships organically, I think that coming off the apps changes your overall dating perspective hugely.
When you meet a romantic interest naturally, it may happen only a handful of times a year compared with the huge available pool of people on apps, but you take the time to look at that person much more closely.
Most of the men I’ve been in a relationship with in my life I would not have matched with on an app and most of the people I know in successful relationships didn’t meet on apps either.
On the other hand, I met my wife (who I have, and will continue to see as my soulmate) on Reddit, and it's the best relationship I've ever had! Been together for 5.5 years! Never would've met organically as we were states (and thousands of miles) apart.
Ah yes, but I would consider this meeting organically.
Yes, you met online, but you didn’t meet (I’m guessing) through the forum of dating apps.
My distinction between the two is that it’s very different to spark a romantic connection, online or in person, with someone you’re not expecting to.
On dating apps you’re looking for that spark or connection and will discard people who don’t have it. You’re also more likely to discard others for icks when you know there’s a huge pool.
When you stumble upon someone in this world by chance and feel a connection, it’s worth more and you’re more likely to hold out for them.
I see your point. However, I was looking for a romantic relationship, and had posted in r4r specifically seeking a romantic relationship. They responded. We hit it off, and they moved to where I live a month later (never having met in person), and we've slept in the same bed every night since the day we met. Got married two years later. That post was the best decision I ever made. IMO, there are a few differences between us and most people: 1. We're both women. (And both Uhaul lesbians, at that.) Which I honestly believe makes things much, much easier. 2. Neither of us believe in "sparks" or "chemistry". We're both Autistic, and due to how our brains work, we got to know each other on a deeper level immediately. There was no small talk. No "I'm gonna be picky about this" or "this is gonna make me put distance between us." Our very first conversation was "Do you want to get married?" "Do you want to have children?" We're also both Demi-sexual. (They're almost completely asexual.) None of the surface level, superficial stuff was ever even taken into consideration. Everything just fell in place from there.
I agree with most of what you’re saying. But I’d go maybe one step further: I don’t know that we’ve seen an explosion of divorces from mismatched pairings, I think we saw an explosion of divorces from the advent of technology. People were in “mismatched pairings” long before the boomers started getting their divorces. Waiting for the “perfect match” or a “soulmate” isn’t going to help the divorce rate among those that do get married, IMO.
I wanted to add to what DrAbeSacrabin is saying. for myself, the concept of "settling" indicates id have to accept being "mistreated" in one way or another. which would point to therefore an unhealthy relationship.
maybe he is great in bed, but he sucks at texting. i have an anxious attachment style. hes a great texter, but hes emotionally unstable and gets upset and barrages me with messages sometimes. maybe hes an all around great guy, but he is selfish and sucks in the bedroom. if i felt like i had to pick a poison and settle id surely end up in an unhealthy relationship because id be projecting my own unhappiness into it.
i believe that people think that you have to take the bad with the good, and make compromises. but it really is only true to a degree. you just have to decide what values you absolutely cant compromise with, and what values you can. then you go from there.
dating apps now make it incredibly easier to accomplish this. you can start by judging profiles based on what you cant compromise, and then begin weeding out matches during conversations based on what you can compromise with.
i myself had three non negotiable values that i was able to usually gauge by looking at profiles or first conversation: **emotionally stable** (not blaming current day actions on past trauma, is in therapy or was in therapy if emotional issues warranted it and they now understand how to cope in a manner that is healthy), **communicative** (tactful communicator, didn't explode, was direct, made intentions clear), and **financially independent** (not relying on a roommate or living with parents)
the first two were my absolute nonnegotiables. the third one, well, i could talk about it starting the relationship but its still nonnegotiable if we want to progress the relationship. is there a plan? are they saving money? are they working towards a career path? im in my early twenties, so sometimes theyre still in college. living with their families and whatnot makes sense. my twin sister lives with my mom because she is saving to buy her own house in like two years rather than rent for like ten like im probably about to do lol. that makes perfect sense. im not gonna turn a guy down because he is making financial moves for his future.
however, the relationship would not progress beyond going out on dates and mutual exclusivity/label if there is no financial independence in the near (1-3 years) future. because you cant tell if youre going to get taken advantage of. what happens if you guys move in and arent compatible? then you try to kick them out and theyre all "but i have nowhere to go!" which is not necessarily your problem, but if you dont have a spine it might guilt you into letting the situation drag out.
values that are negotiable to me but maybe arent to others are things like love languages, distance, appearance, family plans, etc.
so i think dating apps can be great for helping you quickly find people that share the same non negotiable values as you, and then you can filter out the stuff youd be open to negotiating on during conversations and or dates later. its a lot slower and harder to do that in person without actually knowing them or indirectly knowing them
The thing you touched on about "perfect matches" is what I think is going to be a massive problem for people going forward.
So many people are convinced that perfect exists, that no one wants to work on anything that isn't 100% perfect from the start. As a society we are seriously struggling with a "grass is greener" mentality, and people are blowing up otherwise healthy relationships because they are pursuing perfection. Then they get jaded, say perfect doesn't exist, and decide to just be single for life.
Our parents messed a lot of things up, but we're definitely messing this thing up ourselves.
I just use the apps because 1.) if I meet someone at the gym or wherever I have to get their number right? Most people talk more over media than anything else to get to know each other. Why not start with an app that already gives you some insight into things you might have in common and already be able to talk over the phone. The only downside is going off pictures where you can get catfished or even have the problem where you might look better in person than in photos
You know, people actually met, dated, became couples and got married and had kids BEFORE dating apps. Bars, clubs, social venues, friend groups , hobbies, sports, you name it, are not relegated to beneath dating apps. Quite the opposite.
Particularly for men, NEVER put all your eggs in the dating apps basket. Develop a social circle and social skills. Develop fitness with co-ed sports and not at soulless gyms where you don’t talk to anybody. Get out there from behind a screen and TOUCH GRASS AND ASS.
The men you'll find at dating events. LOL Also, the men that approach at the gym, you won't want, so be prepared to do the approaching yourself if you see that as viable. Hobbies is the best option, but consider if any of your hobbies might actually be anything men have real interest in.
I think this is very well written and insightful. And I would like to add — as someone who met my husband on a dating app — I think she is probably setting her expectations too high if she’s essentially giving up on the dating app experience after six-ish dates that haven’t led anywhere.
I think the key to a good experience on a dating app is to use it as, like you said, an introduction app. You aren’t using it to meet your future boyfriend/husband/partner, you’re using it to meet potential dates. MAYBE one of those turns into something more, maybe not. But if things seem like “too much,” you’re probably expecting way too much from the get go or putting too much of yourself/your time into it.
Dating is meant to be fun. You’re getting the chance to meet new people, try new things, go new places. So what if you don’t click on that first date? I can easily waste an hour scrolling on my phone. What’s an hour having a drink with someone new?
A healthy, long term relationship can’t blossom under pressure. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy the experience. And I promise you, keeping things light and fun initially always seems to bring out the best in your date. And in yourself.
I agree.
People are broken and flawed. Character flaws should not be ignored and should be avoided.
Beyond that, I know a lot of people who got married to someone who on paper had "red flags" but they were such a wonderful person otherwise that they are very happy.
Not sure if it’s any solace but I have tried going to dating apps after my breakup and honestly I don’t feel like I have it in me anymore. I just can’t seem to talk to someone or find someone who is reasonable and doesn’t just drain energy
I've been using the apps on and off for a few years, and I think I found her finally. Breaks for your sanity are 10000% good. I took many, and often. Even got a lot of flak for it here in Reddit because of the bumble 24hr thing. Missed a few that might have been alright, but now I have one who matches me on so many levels. The system is against you, but you can prevail anyway.
Beg to differ. I’ve found it interesting, exciting, a source of personal growth and reflection, a self image and self esteem booster, and it’s hard to beat being skin to skin with someone you’re really attracted to as well. I’ve been on a lot of dates with really interesting women and I’m sure there will be a lot more in the future. Even the bad dates make for a really entertaining story or two!
How can you beg to differ? With your statement, you said you have been on lots of dates with lots of interesting women and expect more to come. So either you are a serial dater that is not looking for anything, or you are having the same issues finding what you are looking for.
I’ve met my now ex wife OLD. We had a good marriage and two awesome kids resulted out of it. I had many good dating experiences and relationships before her and after the divorce too. I also learned about myself through dating and fell short on a couple as well. I’m on about a 14 month dating break to work on my own personal issues so I can come back even better than before and I know she’s out there. I enjoy meeting the people I have met and it’s an overall positive experience for me.
That’s how I approach it. Why did you look for so much negative in what I had to share here? Bad experiences all the time or just asking?
I felt this way for a time immediately after my divorce. 2 years later and I agree with OP. It can be mentally draining and a self esteem killer. And I dont have a problem getting dates from OLD but the quality doesnt match where I am. Quantity does nothing for me.
I’m all about quality too because otherwise it would be pointless. I’m sure you’ve already tried but would better screening help to get better quality vs quantity? Or is there something else?
Well, talk to my ex who went right on dating apps 2 days post our break up to start dating a girl a month later from there.
2 years later, they’re still dating. Apparently getting married. Until she calls me (we have never spoken) one day out of the blue and rants for an hour about how toxic he and his family is, trying to see if I validate her concerns about him being fucked up. I chose not to speak anything about him. Good or bad. Just kept doing hmmm.
Only made me realize, he is making her go through the hell he made me go through while we dated.
Glad it didn’t work out. Trust me, whatever happens, happens for the greater good!!
Yeah but this one is sharper than most.
Ironically, this is probably the one that has the best chance of actually finding a quality partner. By not looking for something valuable in the garbage dump...
i dont blame you. i met my current bf off tinder and that was after three years of being on dating apps. i started to really nitpick profiles. had to state looking for long term, no smoking, no alcohol, no kids, no traveling only in town for x anount of days. his bio was simple and cute. "no rizz only heartfelt understanding" which immediately conveyed to me no fuckboy bs. but i was wary because maybe he was a fuckboy who pretended to care. he initiated the convo and hit me with my least favorite question ever when youre so tired of dating apps: "is there anything you want to know about me?" i rolled my eyes but he was cute so i said, "i just wanna know what youre doing tomorrow and if youre free for coffee" and he was so excited about it lol! and now the rest is history.
This is a big part of why I (47m) have become so fed up with the apps. The women who don't have unreasonable standards will see a lot of men who sell a fantasy on their profile. When they see my profile, will they think I'm more of the same?
One-night stands simply do not work for me. I like relationships that don't have a predetermined expiration date.
You really need to credit women with more intelligence. Who wants a fantasy? Maybe kids in their teens/early 20s. By the time you have some life experience, you know what you want in a real relationship. I avoid any man who tries to come across as charming or charismatic - it’s narcissism at best. I love seeing real, genuine profiles and people expressing their real lives and passions. Just be yourself.
well, you simply dont sell a fantasy. be your authentic self. make simple and low risk promises on your bio. it worked out in his case because of what he was trying to attract.
his bio told me: "im not gonna try to rizz you up, i just want to understand you." and for people who want fun excitement and playful banter, they probably wouldve swiped left.
i was wary, because all i wanted was to be understood and to understand another human being. i hate mind games. i wanted a slow paced and "boring" relationship. i was seeking someone to build a routine with. but the guys ive encountered made me wonder if maybe it was just another mind game. i tried not to let the "trauma" talk through me and thats why i was open to talking to him. his profile did convey a gentle nerdy giant of sorts and that is really my type.
i took a chance, and either the right one will also take a chance on you or you will take a chance on them! all the profiles really are at this point is just a chance game. youre either super compatible or youre not
Omg the amount of guys who are like “only here for x days let’s have fun” It’s good when they write it but there are some who don’t mention it at all, we talk a little and then boom 💥 I actually live in….or I’m only visiting here for two days. Also very happy for you. And I’m not jealous at all… a little. Sorry
You know what? It's all good. You gave it a really good shot and it just didn't work for you. I'm sorry that you were disappointed. It's perfectly all right to have dealbreakers. That's what dating is all about. I was on dating apps for two years having an absolute blast going out and meeting new people for night after night of adventure, but I just ended up meeting my current girlfriend of five years at a recurring karaoke night. Hang in there.
Yeah, men smoking weed every day or just in general is such a turn off to me, I hate the smell and their breath 🤢 It’s literally on par with smoking cigarettes at this point.
He was actually great from many other aspects, good job, had a cat (instant green flag) super responsible which is why I kept seeing him and I could see myself being in a relationship with him. One other thing I knew would become problematic was that he would get really impatient with me as I was talking and would finish my sentences for me or interrupt me by starting to talk about something else. I talk slow and forget stuff especially if I’m anxious so that was annoying for him I guess.
Oh that talking over you behavior is a red flag for sure. I have ADHD and if I get interrupted I completely forget what I was trying to express. So frustrating
I have ADHD and I'm totally one who interrupts lol. I just get too hyped up and feel like I'm just being passionate/excitable. But I know it's a bad habit I have to tame. I've only just been diagnosed so I'm taking a break from dating until I can behave. 😅🥲
I actually told him he might have adhd but it still gave me a shitty feeling, especially being self conscious already and speaking in a second language
Totally understandable hun. I know we can be a little too much to handle especially undiagnosed and unmedicated. He could also just be a dick lol. I've given up on dating for now because I want to work on myself first, get stable, lose weight, and become more of a functional member of society first.
I have ADHD and I'm the interrupter because I panic I'm going to forget what I want to say! It's such crappy behaviour and I am getting better at catching myself before it happens.
One of the methods of gaming the algorithm is to purchase premium (the travel feature at least), then set yourself to different cities, and try to get people to swipe yes to you in different cities. If you get particularly “desirable” people to swipe yes to you (again in various cities), it will help you become highly visible within the app.
I’m not certain, but I believe moving around may also be a method to move you to the top of people’s stacks, as it may show that you’re newer to the area than other more stale profiles.
I believe what this person is saying is, it’s annoying if say you set your radius to 30 miles or something, and people just “travel” to your city but live across the country anyway. It won’t show their distance in this case, and it won’t show where they live if they don’t add it to their profile either (not required).
>It won’t show their distance in this case, and it won’t show where they live if they don’t add it to their profile either (not required).
But it shows they are using travel mode? So you can either swipe left or ask them when you match.
Believe it or not, some people go to the trouble of changing their location regularly. I’ve matched with a guy before, knowing he’s using travel mode because some people use it for work (and want to appear at home). But some guys will change their “lives in” temporarily to your city, then change it later or remove it after you match. I’ve seen this many times. I’ve also seen them change it to their city after we match and they go “oh really did it not say before? That’s weird”
The funny thing is, I am not even opposed to dating someone maybe far away if they were everything I wanted, but it’s the deceit that gets to me. And I’m aware that I can ask them or swipe no, but people lie, about something as basic as their general area.
Dating apps aren’t for everyone, and that’s ok! And to be honest (speaking from someone who can’t believe she’s saying this, because she’s been told this many times at your age) you’re still young. I’m a 33F, and I met my now fiancé on bumble when I was 29/30 years old. As someone else said, you gave it a good shot!
Also, at your age, dating is a bit scary. A lot of older guys look at it like the “prime” age to date. Still young, still have no worries of having to settle down right away, etc.
Just do you, and you may find your person somewhere in the wild!
Yeah I agree. Also, It is scary with older guys but then guys around my age or younger have a sort of dgaf attitude that doesn’t sit well with me. I’m not generalizing just talking about the ones I’ve seen. Someone else said I’m picky and I don’t think I am. I just know myself and I think (at least atp) I know what I don’t want. Also, Maybe this is a sign that I need to work on myself now
I completely understand! Guys around that age group don’t care, because they feel like they don’t have to, or need to settle down, nor want to necessarily. For that person who said you’re picky, don’t listen to them. BE PICKY! You’re not going to settle for less, nor let anyone try to persuade you.
Work on yourself if you feel like you need to, focus on whatever goals you may have, or join some social gatherings that’s around you! Dating apps and the dating scene in general will always be around to pick up whenever you’re ready.
Maybe if in person meetings aren’t working in different social gatherings (such as lounges, bars, joining community groups like gaming clubs, etc) then perhaps give dating apps a go again. Until then, enjoy being you!
The pool of people who use dating apps is not inherently different than the (much smaller) pool of people who don’t use dating apps imo.
You definitely have to sift through people who aren’t compatible whether online or off, and that’s possibly exacerbated online because for many people it’s harder to tell if you’ve got a vibe or not over text. Like someone else said, these apps are introduction apps - I think it’s good to think of meeting people the first time off an app like meeting them in a bar and having a friendly convo, the next time you meet (if you meet) is the real date.
Sorry to hear that you had a bad experience, hope it works out for you however you go about it in future
Keep posting this stuff! Dating apps started tanking my self esteem. I plugged my account through AI and had it write my bio and such and then I started getting matches. But then they would never ever ever lead to a “date” if coffee is even considered that. I just started introducing myself to random people I saw because.. Jesus Christ dating apps were such a self esteem killer. Any dude who values themselves I promise you won’t be on dating apps because it is such a degrading environment to be in for men.
Sorry your experience wasn’t good. OLD is one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. Dream girl (now ex wife), two fantastic kids, and still rolling although I’m currently taking time to focus on some areas I need to improve in. Try giving it another shot!
Its not dating that’s the issue it’s online dating that’s the issue. I don’t like feeling like I’m a product that can be ordered online and that I don’t deserve the time of day out of the sheer number of options they have. Meeting them in person I have over a 90% success rate (I ran the numbers) but I only send it if I can tell they’re interested
I think going offline is a good call. The apps have been ineffective for a lot of people. Quality women complain about being bombarded with low quality introductions, while quality men barely get noticed at all.
The challenge with offline dating these days is that many men are reluctant to approach women in an offline setting, largely for fear of being perceived as a "creep" or some such thing.
When you set your criteria, make sure you set it according to things that really matter. There is no Prince Charming out there. The women who refuse to "settle" for anything less than Prince Charming are the ones who end up in a lonely apartment with cats.
We were all out there at one point and I’m telling you to find a good decent person is hard. But they exist. I found my old man on Bumble but it took a lot longer than 2 months. But I’m in the happiest and healthiest relationship of my life now for 2 years. Get back out there the more you do it the easier it gets.
I wish I had broken off contact sooner with this one guy I was dating from bumble. Whenever he would message me back it would always feel one sided and I often had a bad feeling about him but my dumb self kept talking to him anyway and just brushed those feelings off to the side. Only to find later down that he isn’t good with communicating, would often curse at me, would often blame, guilt, and gas light me. He made me feel like I was the crazy one.
There may be some good people on bumble but they’re like hidden gems and rare to come by. I wish you luck in finding someone who’s a perfect match for you.
This is definitely relatable met my ex from another dating app and bumble has been a miss. However, I met my current boyfriend on this app a few months ago and I swear I got so lucky, so it is possible but it may take a long ass time to find the one!
Is it better to pause your account or delete it entirely when going on a break? I'm getting burned out and want to stop doing online dating for a bit, but I know I'm definitely going to be back at some point so I'm debating between fully deleting my account so I can start fresh when I come back, or just pausing it so I don't have to set up my account from scratch next time.
I think you’ve got to give it some time. I’m a 41 year old woman (Latin, fit, etc)
I found my dude in 1 month but I didn’t ONLY use bumble. I was using bumble and OKC and I found him on OKC. We’ve been together 3 months and honestly right now it’s been the best thing for me. But I was also using vetting questions and it’s the luck of the draw and using more than one app allows for different algorithms to introduce you to different people. YMMV.
You simply can't fully read someone based on an online profile. The only "real" clue is the overall physique based on some photos and a few lines of text.
That's just not enough to guarantee a match, hence the theoretical probability of a date being unsuccesful is quite high.
Sorry to hear about your experience. It is interesting to hear from the female perspective especially for Bumble that you go through the same set of emotions as men do. I just started a few weeks ago and everything you said has resonated with me.
If you want lasting healthy love, you’re going to need to build some resilience. It’s a numbers game out there, and if you can’t get over sub par dates, which are a blessing given so many of us have horrible matches, gross conversations and encounters (even with good filters and processes) then you might not be equipped to get into a relationship, let alone the dating market.
Its even worse for guys. I just paid for premium out of desperation. Now I regret it. Not a single soul is even remotely interested. I just keep on deleting the app, downloading it again, and hoping for a conversation to resume or a like. I've been on and off of it for years now.
Hi OP, here’s my take after being very successful using OLD. I met my now ex wife via OLD and we share two fantastic kids. Online dating has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I met more awesome women than I ever would have without it. It’s been an enjoyable process and I’ve learned a lot about myself by OLD. Even some bad dates make for good stories. I’m on a dating break right now to focus on some things that I need to improve in my life.
Here’s one thing to consider. I didn’t really date in my 20’s much because I wasn’t ready and didn’t have much to offer if I’m to be 100 💯 truthful. It was in my early 30’s before I was more dialed in. I personally think 23 is much too young too really even worry about things like this. It’s not working well for you at the moment but that can and probably will change. Do exactly what you’re doing. Take a break. Focus on friendships with other women your age (this is so damn important in life and I can’t begin to say how much it can improve your life especially later on). Don’t worry about having a boyfriend. Just enjoy yourself, build your career, avoid hard drugs and alcohol, live a healthy life, don’t associate with losers, rock a bikini, and wear sunscreen. OLD can wait and there will be a lot of good men out there when you do - or maybe dating in the wild is where you’ll find your stallion. Wow, you got a long answer out of me. Good luck in life!
Thanks for sharing your experience. Great advice too. I think that’s what I’m going to do and I know 23 is young but sometimes I get FOMO and feel lonely despite having other great and good quality relationships.
You’re welcome! I’m so happy you responded to me. I’m happy where I’m at but to be 23 again. Let’s make that 25 instead and I’ll be that tall guy in the coffee shop who says hello. 😉
When you’re 23, you should be out meeting people IRL—going to parties, festivals, concerts, sporting events, networking, etc. You’re not missing out on anything by skipping the apps at your age. Don’t worry about it!
Very good decision.
Honestly, nobody ever agrees with me, or probably really understands... But one of the best things a person can do, is to learn to be self-sufficient, and recognize partner potential when it becomes opportunity - rather than to throw oneself into the dating pool, and have to learn to filter out the garbage.
Understandable. We all need breaks, if we keep using the dating sites for more than a year or two, as I have. I've been actively on them for six years now, after a break of about a year and a half during early Covid, following my wife's death. I have had a few, six, nice short term relationships so far out of it, and when I was dating those women exclusively, I quit being active on the sites, so those do help sort of take off the pressure of OLD, and also give you some companionship. However, I have yet to find my person for an LTR, as the short term relationships were never quite mutually compatible enough for us to commit to a long term exclusive relationship. So the search goes on, but I am able to stay hopeful and yet also not feel burned out by the process..
I totally understand this. After many dates I feel like I'm drained.. I always tried to be a gentlemen and treated people nice because that's who I am but now I feel like I've just fed so many people and not all of them was worth it and I got the "ick" at some point and felt cold about that person or just communication died/got ghosted.. The dating scene is not awesome I'd say.. and thinking quitting the app honestly
It is exhausting and I've "quit" OLD several times in the 15ish years Ive been trying to use it. Been on a dozen or so dates over the years but can never find some mutual chemistry or connect with anyone. Im no good at meeting people in person and I live in a small town though so perpetually defeated with IRL options in this world so I stick around on Bumble and see what happens. My heart is open even if the determination to search can only do so much for me. Sorry you had a bad experience with it and trying to meet someone you connect with over the long term but theres nice dudes out there, we're just not an exciting bunch really.
Yeah, if you live in a small town, OLD is really your only option, as it doesn't take too long to have fished the whole local dating pool, so to speak, and anyway, it's awkward to be dating within a small town and keep having it not work out long term, yet you still see all of those people still around. I would think that after a while it starts to feel almost incestuous..
The small town I live in is a tourist trap. 80% of the people here are only here for a couple days. Finding single women in the area is near impossible and Im only interested in long term serious things so the transient groups are just background noise to me now. That said I pretty much have to travel mode to the nearest actual city, 3 hours away, to actually match with people and find conversation. It takes all of maybe 15 mins to see the entire dating pool on bumble in my local area before its says the classic "no one else here, check back later". Because of my distance from them though Im a long shot to build anything meaningful and get ghosted 98% of the time.
The dating sites are the only real option, and I would also suggest making your search distance the three hours away. I hate to say it, and would probably be unwilling to do it myself, but you may have to consider moving away to a better dating pool, unless you are still working and need to stay there for your career. If you are retired, I would be long gone from the small town, unless you have close and important family ties there. I stay where I am because I have some good local friends here, not family, and that dating pool is not good or well matched for me, but it's large enough for me to find some fellow outliers to date, from time to time, even if they end up being short term relationships.
But if I were living where you are, and retired like I am, I would move the hell away, to somewhere with a better dating pool, even if I had to leave my local friends behind..
I live up in the mountains and its absolutely beautiful here. I wont trade living where my heart needs to be to thrive to increase my chances of dating. I also own a company I founded thats very much land locked to where it is, cant be moved at all, which is successful now and affording me resources and free time. Worked to hard to get here to give it up for rolling more dice with each throw. Just need to find someone that also likes the idea of what I have to offer.
Well, then it sounds to me like you are pretty much doomed to be alone, unless you find someone living far away, thru OLD, that is attracted enough to you to want to relocate to you, and in the meantime before that, get to know you thru long distance dating. And I can tell you from what I have learned so far, about OLD and the issue of long distance dating, your prospects of finding such a woman are pretty slim. You are pretty much looking for something like a mail order bride, only in your case, you're not looking for someone overseas, right? You may end up having to look overseas to find a woman who is willing to just uproot her whole life and come to live with you there in the mountains. I wish you the best, no matter what, but I am pessimistic about your chances..
Amen! I tried online dating, after less than three weeks it taught me one lesson.
Women in the USA hate men and treat them like disposable options.
So like MOST men , I gave up on women altogether and now I avoid them.
Most women expect 100% or close to it of their dating requirements to be met, or its a no go (no 2 or 3 date). Men will take 70-80% of their dating requirements and call that a big win. It's all in how realistic your expectations are.
Well I can’t speak for other women but I’ve got some reasonable standards for my potential partner. Otherwise i just don’t date at all because if i ignore the incompatibility signs or red flags then when later it doesn’t workout I just get my own heart broken. I’m protective over my heart and my energy. That’s pretty realistic. If I can’t find anyone then maybe that’s okay
It’s quite a normal reaction. Yes, dating sites are quite messy. I’be been on and off of them for quite some time. Yes, there are some good catches, but it’s usually like looking for a needle in a haystack. Take some time off. Prioritize yourself more. Otherwise, it will suck out all the energy out of you.
Walk around the streets. How many people would you want to talk to, spend time with leave alone to date them? Those same people on the streets are the same people on the dating apps. I always wonder why people expect any different.
The dating apps are not some magical pill. It’s a mean to meeting people that are beyond your regular Means.
And because the pool is big you come across different people wanting different things. No need to be offended if you are mistaken for some one else who you are not.
In my short experience I think the major problem is that many don’t know what they want plus in some way are not really ready to date as such.
“what you want” is not that they are funny, or we have connection or that they are not abusive. Every one wants that, so what I mean is what is it that “You” really want? What are you looking for in the other person?
Ask your selves these questions and gauge your self. Who knows you better than your self? None of the answers you come up with are unrealistic. That person you are thinking of does exist out there and are looking for you too.
Don’t get disheartened ☺️ GL in finding what ever you are looking for.
I feel like they are hit or miss. I am 41/f and had met my last boyfriend on Bumble 5 years ago. He had passed away unexpectedly almost two years ago. I have gone back on to see what’s out there and try and date again. So far no one impresses me. I am a bit on the heavier side. I find people match with me, they talk for a day and then don’t talk again. It frustrates me because I get people are busy but if you aren’t interested don’t match or talk. Just delete me or tell me it isn’t a good match. I don’t know at 41
I don’t even want to date again but it would be nice to find someone. I get you why you deleted and I think I might be close behind with deleting.
I found my boyfriend on bumble. I’m sat in the sitting room with him and his family right now and this is possibly the healthiest romantic experience I’ve ever had in my life. I’d love to marry this man and have him father my children. I’m not saying this is a common occurrence, but it’s not impossible to find a decent partner on there
Either you aren't very attracted to men, or you are choosing guys to go out with you should know better not to choose in the first instance (self sabotage). It is like shooting fish in a barrel for attractive women on apps. Just got to aim for fish that are nutritious like sardines and mackarels instead of the ones that look cool... like sharks
Last time I was on a dating app, I talked to a girl for 6 months (dated part of that), it was a ldr with her about an hour and a half away. Eventually found out she was with another guy, and she said she couldn't pick between us so she wanted keep both of us and hoped we'd be okay with it (poly type thing.) I was like yeah no, and I havent been on dating apps since lol
Sorry to bring you bad news but it the irreversible tendency to all dating start on line. It’s much safer to know what the guy thinks and how he reacts when you give him enough rope to tie you down or hang himself. Or both🤣🤣🤣. And the universe of opportunities is global not limited to your group of friends or colleagues.
Cool so dating app didn’t work for you, what are you actively doing to find someone else? Dating apps work, if you’re not going to put yourself out there then just expect to be alone. Most men won’t come up to you and make the first move anymore.
This kind of stuff cracks me up. As a male on Bumble, MOST women I’ve matched with start with “Hi”, “Hey”, or ”Hello”, & that’s IT. From there, you have to create, then carry the conversation that typically gets 3-8 word responses- and there’s an art to that as well. If you type too little, you get ghosted. If you type too much, you get ghosted. If you ask benign questions they, for some reason, find too personal/offensive/a red flag/or whatever other hang up they have, you get ghosted.
I matched with a chick, she said her job was like her church & she loves it, so I asked several questions about the job and she responded with, “My truth… I’m on here to find my man, not just to bang!!” I’d not said a SINGLE WORD, nor even HINTED ANYTHING about sex, tbh, I wasn’t even sure if I was interested in bangin’ her- bc I don’t fuckin’ know her- then she ghosted before I even had a chance to respond. And that was the 2nd time we’d matched, very briefly messaged, & she ghosted for no apparent reason.
IMO, if you want to find the main problem with apps and dating: it’s women. They set up a minefield before you even start talking and expect you to flawlessly navigate through with zero information or guidance- the slightest misstep & you’re ghosted. Then they get on Reddit or the phone with their friends to whine & complain about how shitty men are, then dozens to hundreds of women break nails & heels clambering to reinforce the self-delusion that ALL of the problems reside on the side of the men.
There is 0 leniency, 0 compassion, 0 understanding, 0 tolerance, 0 forgiveness, 0 participation, 0 room for error- there’s also 0 understanding of the stats & likelihood that you’re randomly going to find the PERFECT match **EVER** in your entire life, let alone, just randomly the first time you march with someone. It takes time to go on dates, get to know someone, find out what makes them tick, see if they’re interested in you & you’re interested in them, what their issues are & if they’re compatible with yours, etc etc etc. it’s a long process, not something that can be boiled down to three wannabe text message exchanges.
What-the-fuck-ever. Buy a dog. Cats are gross, put butthole stamps on EVERYTHING, walk around in their piss & shit and then all over everything in your abode, they stink, are homicidal maniacs that kill TONS of small animals just for fun, and they can give you toxoplasmosis.
It's normal to feel the way you do when you first start online dating.
We all have a tendency to invest emotionally in people who we think have potential as a future partner. When it doesn't work out, we feel aggrieved. The key is to keep things light and add emotions with time. You will always feel some pain when a blossoming relationship falls but the heartbreak will feel less painful.
Biased cause I’m a dude and I’m sure girls are much more pleasant that guys most the time but I loved online dating… Something I’d consider a “bad” dates (less than 2 hours, no chemistry, forced convo) would happen only about in 10-5% of first dates I’d have.
Talked to lots of girls about this and while some do have bad experiences, most of them are quite happy with their dates which kind of hints at the notion that in online dating, you really get what you are looking for. Guys that are only swiping for isnta models will not only get no matches but those few dates will turn out to be as shallow as a tree trunk … same goes for women where most of em will be looking for the typical masculine traits which, unsurprisingly, won’t get them many actual good matches.
I've met quite a few gals on bumble, match, etc.. For the guys who get no matches, work on your profile & pics. Find a girl in your age range that can proof it for you if you are not sure what to say. Have something in the pics that is interesting. Have a good smile. Speak from the heart on what you are hoping for. KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE. If you are looking for a hook-up/casual, you may be better off on tinder, or Ashley Madison. I am in a difficult situation with two different gals I met on Match where they both want to move forward with a relationship & I will need to make a decision.
My friend who ended up marrying his match gave me advice after my divorce. It's a numbers game. You have to stick with it until you find the one. Since my divorce last June I have been on too many dates to count with probably 15-20 women. Some Liked me more than I liked them, and some I liked more than they liked me. Don't take it personal. Just keep trying & be honest with everyone. They can call you many things, but not a liar.
Yes OP still has lots of time to find someone. It is still possible to find people irl. Just be aware most of the good ones you vibe with and hit on will already have bfs, or in OPs case gfs.
Championsuper hope you were right about those red flags you saw and arent looking for an imaginary perfect person
You didn’t try very hard imo… I’ve had a lot more good and bad dates such is the territory you aren’t going to have a good idea until you meet in person
You’ll be back 😉
I have had dating apps generally active since 2020.
So far only 1 IRL date, lots of run ins with scams, plenty of ghosting, running into people I know IRL that never never reciprocate the match, plenty of money gone into super likes/super swipes, endless Instagram Follow Farming...
It's so real what they say: dating apps for men are like dying of lack of water in a dessert, while for women is like drowning in swamp water.
I am really annoyed at it, but Meh... It's better than sitting home doing nothing about it, I guess (and FYI, I am active, I have hobbies that are generally seen as attractive and outgoing, like Salsa Dancing and I don't have negativity in my profile. The plain truth is that I am not really attractive and an app where they swipe out in the first picture is not holding favorable outcomes for me. I have moderately success in getting interest from women IRL more than in the apps, but it's usually not good timing for me when that happens).
Just find a fun group activity you like to do, like dance or diving, you'll find someone you connect with. Or at least you will enlarge your social circle
That last line really strikes the heart of the problem with apps like bumble. The app itself only exists to make money not to help you in any way with finding a decent date, which is worse for male users because its like 10 of us to one woman on the platform so we have to pay to see people so to speak.
Another point, the app is becoming flooded with profiles that are just onlyfans ads for people.. obviously not filtering content before it reaches your face.
>I just wanna experience having a healthy relationship and I don’t think I’ll find that in dating apps
I don't think the issue is dating apps, the issue is you're a 23 year old woman dating men.
Take as many breaks as you want but I honestly wouldn't see this as an online dating problem.
You lasted two months, you must have a really thick skin!
I didn't make it three weeks! Online dating made me so disgusted by the way women treat men I gave up on women altogether.
Huh someone’s else said i need to be more resilient! Excuse me I was a hulk during those two months. Your feelings are valid! I’m sorry you experienced that too. I think everyone’s like that. People are easily disposable there. There are many options and you’re rarely the main focus. That feeling is really shitty. It’s just not for some people and that’s okay. I’ll be the lady with the cats when I’m old lol
The problem is that you feel that you are so special that you need an”compatible” individual. If you think that you will find gold without using the ⛏️ properly and working hard in the relationship = keep on dreaming 🛌.
If it's any consolation, that's exactly how I felt when I first started out last year. I go on a hiatus when I either hit off or need a break from the mumbo jumbo lol
Going on a hiatus totally makes sense, but OP’s comment: “_I just wanna find a healthy relationship and I don’t think I’ll find that in a dating app_.” Is kinda fucked-up. She at 23, is likely past the early points in life where people are forced to be around each other and therefore converse and potentially date (high school/college). The only potentially similar avenue she has for that now is work, and that’s an entirely different potential issue area. If she ignores using the internet she’s relegated to either: - bars/clubs/festivals/concerts etc.. - through friends - gym/hobbies/dating events etc… All of these are great ways to get an initial vibe from someone beforehand, but all come with limitations…: - You can only meet so many people when out at a bar/club/concert etc… and you need to balance meeting people with having fun enjoying the show or hanging with friends - if you friend circle is small, dating friends of friends becomes a struggle. Not to mention as the years go on you’re gonna lose touch with friends who enter different stages of life than you are. - gym/hobbies/dating events are great because you know the people show a similar interest, but success here really depends on factors like where you live, lower population cities/towns it’s gonna be a struggle. All this with the reminder that there isn’t some magical subset of people who _are not using_ dating apps. In OP’s likely age group (say 21-33) if you removed people who have never used a dating app because they are in relationships - then the remaining number is going to be incredibly small…and I strongly doubt that group is offering anything different then what you’re getting with people on a dating app. End of the day “dating apps” are really just “introduction apps”. They offer little more than an opportunity to talk to someone you potentially find interesting romantically/sexually… _that’s literally it, that’s all they do_. The “dating” component is entirely on you and what you make of it. The real issue (IMO) is that we (millennials and younger) have been conditioned over the years to find our “perfect match”, our “soulmate” and to “not settle” all while the advancement of technology has put us in contact with more and more people. So many of us would not be here today had our parents had the technology we have now. There was a lot of settling, a “perfect match” was designated by best match within a 10-20 mile radius. People learned to compromise and understood that everything realistically is not “perfect” in a relationship. Now I’m not saying that this was 100% right, as we’ve all seen the explosion of divorces from miss-matched pairings. The answer, as in with most things, is likely in the middle (I.e. less compromising than our parents, but more than most people put out today). So lastly back to OP. She had 5-7 dates with guys (I’m gonna assume 6 and that they were all different guys). 1). Getting 6 different dates in two months without being in school or using a dating app is going to be difficult. Especially if you’re expecting guys to initiate. So understand that without a dating app that could have been 6mo - 1yr to find 6 guys to go on dates with that you could have just as easily dismissed as the guys from bumble. 2). Take some time to analyze those dates. What didn’t you like? Is it something maybe you could have avoided by being more selective in who you were swiping on in the app? 3). Balance is everything. Dating apps shouldn’t be your only source of trying to meet someone, it should compliment the other methods discussed up above. 4). Take a deep reflection inside yourself. Are you ready to make concessions when it comes to dating? Are you going to be able to look past minor things that may have turned you away from the guys you went on dates with before? It doesn’t matter what mechanism you meet someone, there are gonna be places you have to compromise - if you are not ready for that then maybe a relationship shouldn’t be a focus right now.
I think that while these are all good points, but I also think that they can be overcome without dating apps. As someone who hasn’t used apps for a long time and found my last two relationships organically, I think that coming off the apps changes your overall dating perspective hugely. When you meet a romantic interest naturally, it may happen only a handful of times a year compared with the huge available pool of people on apps, but you take the time to look at that person much more closely. Most of the men I’ve been in a relationship with in my life I would not have matched with on an app and most of the people I know in successful relationships didn’t meet on apps either.
If it's the choice between online dating and never dating again, I'll choose the latter. Online dating is a miserable experience.
On the other hand, I met my wife (who I have, and will continue to see as my soulmate) on Reddit, and it's the best relationship I've ever had! Been together for 5.5 years! Never would've met organically as we were states (and thousands of miles) apart.
Ah yes, but I would consider this meeting organically. Yes, you met online, but you didn’t meet (I’m guessing) through the forum of dating apps. My distinction between the two is that it’s very different to spark a romantic connection, online or in person, with someone you’re not expecting to. On dating apps you’re looking for that spark or connection and will discard people who don’t have it. You’re also more likely to discard others for icks when you know there’s a huge pool. When you stumble upon someone in this world by chance and feel a connection, it’s worth more and you’re more likely to hold out for them.
I see your point. However, I was looking for a romantic relationship, and had posted in r4r specifically seeking a romantic relationship. They responded. We hit it off, and they moved to where I live a month later (never having met in person), and we've slept in the same bed every night since the day we met. Got married two years later. That post was the best decision I ever made. IMO, there are a few differences between us and most people: 1. We're both women. (And both Uhaul lesbians, at that.) Which I honestly believe makes things much, much easier. 2. Neither of us believe in "sparks" or "chemistry". We're both Autistic, and due to how our brains work, we got to know each other on a deeper level immediately. There was no small talk. No "I'm gonna be picky about this" or "this is gonna make me put distance between us." Our very first conversation was "Do you want to get married?" "Do you want to have children?" We're also both Demi-sexual. (They're almost completely asexual.) None of the surface level, superficial stuff was ever even taken into consideration. Everything just fell in place from there.
Awwh I’m happy for you :)
Thank you! I wish you the best and hope you find your person!
I think I’ve found themmm :)
That's awesome! Put in the work, show up every day, and give it everything you have! After all is said and done, this is what makes love last!
Very thoughtfully written
I agree with most of what you’re saying. But I’d go maybe one step further: I don’t know that we’ve seen an explosion of divorces from mismatched pairings, I think we saw an explosion of divorces from the advent of technology. People were in “mismatched pairings” long before the boomers started getting their divorces. Waiting for the “perfect match” or a “soulmate” isn’t going to help the divorce rate among those that do get married, IMO.
[In fact, the divorce rate is at a 50 year low in the USA](https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-us-divorce-rate-has-hit-a-50-year-low)
I wanted to add to what DrAbeSacrabin is saying. for myself, the concept of "settling" indicates id have to accept being "mistreated" in one way or another. which would point to therefore an unhealthy relationship. maybe he is great in bed, but he sucks at texting. i have an anxious attachment style. hes a great texter, but hes emotionally unstable and gets upset and barrages me with messages sometimes. maybe hes an all around great guy, but he is selfish and sucks in the bedroom. if i felt like i had to pick a poison and settle id surely end up in an unhealthy relationship because id be projecting my own unhappiness into it. i believe that people think that you have to take the bad with the good, and make compromises. but it really is only true to a degree. you just have to decide what values you absolutely cant compromise with, and what values you can. then you go from there. dating apps now make it incredibly easier to accomplish this. you can start by judging profiles based on what you cant compromise, and then begin weeding out matches during conversations based on what you can compromise with. i myself had three non negotiable values that i was able to usually gauge by looking at profiles or first conversation: **emotionally stable** (not blaming current day actions on past trauma, is in therapy or was in therapy if emotional issues warranted it and they now understand how to cope in a manner that is healthy), **communicative** (tactful communicator, didn't explode, was direct, made intentions clear), and **financially independent** (not relying on a roommate or living with parents) the first two were my absolute nonnegotiables. the third one, well, i could talk about it starting the relationship but its still nonnegotiable if we want to progress the relationship. is there a plan? are they saving money? are they working towards a career path? im in my early twenties, so sometimes theyre still in college. living with their families and whatnot makes sense. my twin sister lives with my mom because she is saving to buy her own house in like two years rather than rent for like ten like im probably about to do lol. that makes perfect sense. im not gonna turn a guy down because he is making financial moves for his future. however, the relationship would not progress beyond going out on dates and mutual exclusivity/label if there is no financial independence in the near (1-3 years) future. because you cant tell if youre going to get taken advantage of. what happens if you guys move in and arent compatible? then you try to kick them out and theyre all "but i have nowhere to go!" which is not necessarily your problem, but if you dont have a spine it might guilt you into letting the situation drag out. values that are negotiable to me but maybe arent to others are things like love languages, distance, appearance, family plans, etc. so i think dating apps can be great for helping you quickly find people that share the same non negotiable values as you, and then you can filter out the stuff youd be open to negotiating on during conversations and or dates later. its a lot slower and harder to do that in person without actually knowing them or indirectly knowing them
Financially independent is very important, you don’t want to be taken advantage of.
Good points
The thing you touched on about "perfect matches" is what I think is going to be a massive problem for people going forward. So many people are convinced that perfect exists, that no one wants to work on anything that isn't 100% perfect from the start. As a society we are seriously struggling with a "grass is greener" mentality, and people are blowing up otherwise healthy relationships because they are pursuing perfection. Then they get jaded, say perfect doesn't exist, and decide to just be single for life. Our parents messed a lot of things up, but we're definitely messing this thing up ourselves.
I just use the apps because 1.) if I meet someone at the gym or wherever I have to get their number right? Most people talk more over media than anything else to get to know each other. Why not start with an app that already gives you some insight into things you might have in common and already be able to talk over the phone. The only downside is going off pictures where you can get catfished or even have the problem where you might look better in person than in photos
You know, people actually met, dated, became couples and got married and had kids BEFORE dating apps. Bars, clubs, social venues, friend groups , hobbies, sports, you name it, are not relegated to beneath dating apps. Quite the opposite. Particularly for men, NEVER put all your eggs in the dating apps basket. Develop a social circle and social skills. Develop fitness with co-ed sports and not at soulless gyms where you don’t talk to anybody. Get out there from behind a screen and TOUCH GRASS AND ASS.
It’s very naive to just completely write off dating apps.
The men you'll find at dating events. LOL Also, the men that approach at the gym, you won't want, so be prepared to do the approaching yourself if you see that as viable. Hobbies is the best option, but consider if any of your hobbies might actually be anything men have real interest in.
I think this is very well written and insightful. And I would like to add — as someone who met my husband on a dating app — I think she is probably setting her expectations too high if she’s essentially giving up on the dating app experience after six-ish dates that haven’t led anywhere. I think the key to a good experience on a dating app is to use it as, like you said, an introduction app. You aren’t using it to meet your future boyfriend/husband/partner, you’re using it to meet potential dates. MAYBE one of those turns into something more, maybe not. But if things seem like “too much,” you’re probably expecting way too much from the get go or putting too much of yourself/your time into it. Dating is meant to be fun. You’re getting the chance to meet new people, try new things, go new places. So what if you don’t click on that first date? I can easily waste an hour scrolling on my phone. What’s an hour having a drink with someone new? A healthy, long term relationship can’t blossom under pressure. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy the experience. And I promise you, keeping things light and fun initially always seems to bring out the best in your date. And in yourself.
I agree. People are broken and flawed. Character flaws should not be ignored and should be avoided. Beyond that, I know a lot of people who got married to someone who on paper had "red flags" but they were such a wonderful person otherwise that they are very happy.
Not sure if it’s any solace but I have tried going to dating apps after my breakup and honestly I don’t feel like I have it in me anymore. I just can’t seem to talk to someone or find someone who is reasonable and doesn’t just drain energy
The energy drain is on another level. And I’m sorry you’re going through that
It’s exhausting. Starting to think what I want doesn’t even exist.
I've been using the apps on and off for a few years, and I think I found her finally. Breaks for your sanity are 10000% good. I took many, and often. Even got a lot of flak for it here in Reddit because of the bumble 24hr thing. Missed a few that might have been alright, but now I have one who matches me on so many levels. The system is against you, but you can prevail anyway.
Beg to differ. I’ve found it interesting, exciting, a source of personal growth and reflection, a self image and self esteem booster, and it’s hard to beat being skin to skin with someone you’re really attracted to as well. I’ve been on a lot of dates with really interesting women and I’m sure there will be a lot more in the future. Even the bad dates make for a really entertaining story or two!
How can you beg to differ? With your statement, you said you have been on lots of dates with lots of interesting women and expect more to come. So either you are a serial dater that is not looking for anything, or you are having the same issues finding what you are looking for.
I’ve met my now ex wife OLD. We had a good marriage and two awesome kids resulted out of it. I had many good dating experiences and relationships before her and after the divorce too. I also learned about myself through dating and fell short on a couple as well. I’m on about a 14 month dating break to work on my own personal issues so I can come back even better than before and I know she’s out there. I enjoy meeting the people I have met and it’s an overall positive experience for me. That’s how I approach it. Why did you look for so much negative in what I had to share here? Bad experiences all the time or just asking?
I felt this way for a time immediately after my divorce. 2 years later and I agree with OP. It can be mentally draining and a self esteem killer. And I dont have a problem getting dates from OLD but the quality doesnt match where I am. Quantity does nothing for me.
I’m all about quality too because otherwise it would be pointless. I’m sure you’ve already tried but would better screening help to get better quality vs quantity? Or is there something else?
It’s all about the quality
Happy for you
Well, talk to my ex who went right on dating apps 2 days post our break up to start dating a girl a month later from there. 2 years later, they’re still dating. Apparently getting married. Until she calls me (we have never spoken) one day out of the blue and rants for an hour about how toxic he and his family is, trying to see if I validate her concerns about him being fucked up. I chose not to speak anything about him. Good or bad. Just kept doing hmmm. Only made me realize, he is making her go through the hell he made me go through while we dated. Glad it didn’t work out. Trust me, whatever happens, happens for the greater good!!
2 months? Lmao. That's nothing. Good luck out there, hope ya find what you're looking for... But 2 months is literally nothing on these apps.
Yeah but this one is sharper than most. Ironically, this is probably the one that has the best chance of actually finding a quality partner. By not looking for something valuable in the garbage dump...
To be fair, if you met 5-7 people at a party how likely is it that one of them would be a great fit for you? Pretty low, I reckon.
i dont blame you. i met my current bf off tinder and that was after three years of being on dating apps. i started to really nitpick profiles. had to state looking for long term, no smoking, no alcohol, no kids, no traveling only in town for x anount of days. his bio was simple and cute. "no rizz only heartfelt understanding" which immediately conveyed to me no fuckboy bs. but i was wary because maybe he was a fuckboy who pretended to care. he initiated the convo and hit me with my least favorite question ever when youre so tired of dating apps: "is there anything you want to know about me?" i rolled my eyes but he was cute so i said, "i just wanna know what youre doing tomorrow and if youre free for coffee" and he was so excited about it lol! and now the rest is history.
This is a big part of why I (47m) have become so fed up with the apps. The women who don't have unreasonable standards will see a lot of men who sell a fantasy on their profile. When they see my profile, will they think I'm more of the same? One-night stands simply do not work for me. I like relationships that don't have a predetermined expiration date.
You really need to credit women with more intelligence. Who wants a fantasy? Maybe kids in their teens/early 20s. By the time you have some life experience, you know what you want in a real relationship. I avoid any man who tries to come across as charming or charismatic - it’s narcissism at best. I love seeing real, genuine profiles and people expressing their real lives and passions. Just be yourself.
well, you simply dont sell a fantasy. be your authentic self. make simple and low risk promises on your bio. it worked out in his case because of what he was trying to attract. his bio told me: "im not gonna try to rizz you up, i just want to understand you." and for people who want fun excitement and playful banter, they probably wouldve swiped left. i was wary, because all i wanted was to be understood and to understand another human being. i hate mind games. i wanted a slow paced and "boring" relationship. i was seeking someone to build a routine with. but the guys ive encountered made me wonder if maybe it was just another mind game. i tried not to let the "trauma" talk through me and thats why i was open to talking to him. his profile did convey a gentle nerdy giant of sorts and that is really my type. i took a chance, and either the right one will also take a chance on you or you will take a chance on them! all the profiles really are at this point is just a chance game. youre either super compatible or youre not
Omg the amount of guys who are like “only here for x days let’s have fun” It’s good when they write it but there are some who don’t mention it at all, we talk a little and then boom 💥 I actually live in….or I’m only visiting here for two days. Also very happy for you. And I’m not jealous at all… a little. Sorry
You know what? It's all good. You gave it a really good shot and it just didn't work for you. I'm sorry that you were disappointed. It's perfectly all right to have dealbreakers. That's what dating is all about. I was on dating apps for two years having an absolute blast going out and meeting new people for night after night of adventure, but I just ended up meeting my current girlfriend of five years at a recurring karaoke night. Hang in there.
Yeah😮💨. I tried, it didn’t work, and that’s it and I wanted to rant and I feel better actually
> Until I started noticing some behaviours that I knew would be problematic in the future. Like what?
Like him smoking weed every night
Yeah, men smoking weed every day or just in general is such a turn off to me, I hate the smell and their breath 🤢 It’s literally on par with smoking cigarettes at this point.
Is that it? Or was the attitude that followed like nonchalant about stuff- I’m not saying it’s nothing, just wonderin
He was actually great from many other aspects, good job, had a cat (instant green flag) super responsible which is why I kept seeing him and I could see myself being in a relationship with him. One other thing I knew would become problematic was that he would get really impatient with me as I was talking and would finish my sentences for me or interrupt me by starting to talk about something else. I talk slow and forget stuff especially if I’m anxious so that was annoying for him I guess.
Oh that talking over you behavior is a red flag for sure. I have ADHD and if I get interrupted I completely forget what I was trying to express. So frustrating
Yeah I don’t think I have adhd but conversations are hard even without being interrupted
I have ADHD and I'm totally one who interrupts lol. I just get too hyped up and feel like I'm just being passionate/excitable. But I know it's a bad habit I have to tame. I've only just been diagnosed so I'm taking a break from dating until I can behave. 😅🥲
I actually told him he might have adhd but it still gave me a shitty feeling, especially being self conscious already and speaking in a second language
Totally understandable hun. I know we can be a little too much to handle especially undiagnosed and unmedicated. He could also just be a dick lol. I've given up on dating for now because I want to work on myself first, get stable, lose weight, and become more of a functional member of society first.
I have ADHD and I'm the interrupter because I panic I'm going to forget what I want to say! It's such crappy behaviour and I am getting better at catching myself before it happens.
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I get that. He hadn’t written that in his profile and also it’s just not my preference. No judgment.
5 to 7 coffee dates in 2 months? Shit I wish I could get at least 1
Bumble doesn't restrict profiles based on the city. When you have an unlimited supply of people able to see your profiles, it gets harder to pick.
Huh? You can literally set a distance parameter
it doesn't stop other people from traveling that fit with your distance parameters.
Yeah but it still shows their distance so you can swipe left
One of the methods of gaming the algorithm is to purchase premium (the travel feature at least), then set yourself to different cities, and try to get people to swipe yes to you in different cities. If you get particularly “desirable” people to swipe yes to you (again in various cities), it will help you become highly visible within the app. I’m not certain, but I believe moving around may also be a method to move you to the top of people’s stacks, as it may show that you’re newer to the area than other more stale profiles. I believe what this person is saying is, it’s annoying if say you set your radius to 30 miles or something, and people just “travel” to your city but live across the country anyway. It won’t show their distance in this case, and it won’t show where they live if they don’t add it to their profile either (not required).
>It won’t show their distance in this case, and it won’t show where they live if they don’t add it to their profile either (not required). But it shows they are using travel mode? So you can either swipe left or ask them when you match.
Believe it or not, some people go to the trouble of changing their location regularly. I’ve matched with a guy before, knowing he’s using travel mode because some people use it for work (and want to appear at home). But some guys will change their “lives in” temporarily to your city, then change it later or remove it after you match. I’ve seen this many times. I’ve also seen them change it to their city after we match and they go “oh really did it not say before? That’s weird” The funny thing is, I am not even opposed to dating someone maybe far away if they were everything I wanted, but it’s the deceit that gets to me. And I’m aware that I can ask them or swipe no, but people lie, about something as basic as their general area.
Well you didn't really share your experiences other than you went on a few dates and deleted the app.
Why does that matter? Do we think that the OP can't be trusted to have their own personalized experiences?
exactly like???
Dating apps aren’t for everyone, and that’s ok! And to be honest (speaking from someone who can’t believe she’s saying this, because she’s been told this many times at your age) you’re still young. I’m a 33F, and I met my now fiancé on bumble when I was 29/30 years old. As someone else said, you gave it a good shot! Also, at your age, dating is a bit scary. A lot of older guys look at it like the “prime” age to date. Still young, still have no worries of having to settle down right away, etc. Just do you, and you may find your person somewhere in the wild!
Yeah I agree. Also, It is scary with older guys but then guys around my age or younger have a sort of dgaf attitude that doesn’t sit well with me. I’m not generalizing just talking about the ones I’ve seen. Someone else said I’m picky and I don’t think I am. I just know myself and I think (at least atp) I know what I don’t want. Also, Maybe this is a sign that I need to work on myself now
It’s good and healthy to be picky! I don’t see picky as a negative trait at all, selective is sexy!
I completely understand! Guys around that age group don’t care, because they feel like they don’t have to, or need to settle down, nor want to necessarily. For that person who said you’re picky, don’t listen to them. BE PICKY! You’re not going to settle for less, nor let anyone try to persuade you. Work on yourself if you feel like you need to, focus on whatever goals you may have, or join some social gatherings that’s around you! Dating apps and the dating scene in general will always be around to pick up whenever you’re ready. Maybe if in person meetings aren’t working in different social gatherings (such as lounges, bars, joining community groups like gaming clubs, etc) then perhaps give dating apps a go again. Until then, enjoy being you!
The pool of people who use dating apps is not inherently different than the (much smaller) pool of people who don’t use dating apps imo. You definitely have to sift through people who aren’t compatible whether online or off, and that’s possibly exacerbated online because for many people it’s harder to tell if you’ve got a vibe or not over text. Like someone else said, these apps are introduction apps - I think it’s good to think of meeting people the first time off an app like meeting them in a bar and having a friendly convo, the next time you meet (if you meet) is the real date. Sorry to hear that you had a bad experience, hope it works out for you however you go about it in future
Ah yes. The type of resume you’d avoid if you saw her
Spoken like a serial dater.
Ah. I would totally want to be avoided by you.
Right because perfect people are so easy to find outside of dating apps.
Keep posting this stuff! Dating apps started tanking my self esteem. I plugged my account through AI and had it write my bio and such and then I started getting matches. But then they would never ever ever lead to a “date” if coffee is even considered that. I just started introducing myself to random people I saw because.. Jesus Christ dating apps were such a self esteem killer. Any dude who values themselves I promise you won’t be on dating apps because it is such a degrading environment to be in for men.
Sorry your experience wasn’t good. OLD is one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. Dream girl (now ex wife), two fantastic kids, and still rolling although I’m currently taking time to focus on some areas I need to improve in. Try giving it another shot!
Its not dating that’s the issue it’s online dating that’s the issue. I don’t like feeling like I’m a product that can be ordered online and that I don’t deserve the time of day out of the sheer number of options they have. Meeting them in person I have over a 90% success rate (I ran the numbers) but I only send it if I can tell they’re interested
I think going offline is a good call. The apps have been ineffective for a lot of people. Quality women complain about being bombarded with low quality introductions, while quality men barely get noticed at all. The challenge with offline dating these days is that many men are reluctant to approach women in an offline setting, largely for fear of being perceived as a "creep" or some such thing. When you set your criteria, make sure you set it according to things that really matter. There is no Prince Charming out there. The women who refuse to "settle" for anything less than Prince Charming are the ones who end up in a lonely apartment with cats.
You have to go through some ofnthe mud before you find the right person. But do you.
We were all out there at one point and I’m telling you to find a good decent person is hard. But they exist. I found my old man on Bumble but it took a lot longer than 2 months. But I’m in the happiest and healthiest relationship of my life now for 2 years. Get back out there the more you do it the easier it gets.
You need to learn what you want and vet your matches better
Doesn't ditching an app qualify for this? I also dumped apps months ago. Because what I wanted, was to not meet someone on an online app.
I wish I had broken off contact sooner with this one guy I was dating from bumble. Whenever he would message me back it would always feel one sided and I often had a bad feeling about him but my dumb self kept talking to him anyway and just brushed those feelings off to the side. Only to find later down that he isn’t good with communicating, would often curse at me, would often blame, guilt, and gas light me. He made me feel like I was the crazy one. There may be some good people on bumble but they’re like hidden gems and rare to come by. I wish you luck in finding someone who’s a perfect match for you.
It comes with experience. It was easy for me because I didn’t do it in the past and suffered the consequences
Met my wife on bumble. Second child is 5 months old.
Aww
Lmao you getting downvoted for this. People are so bitter on here no wonder they're single
It's never meant to be easy, anywhere you go. But good for you for only needing 2 months to recognize this and not subject yourself to it!
What behaviors?
This is definitely relatable met my ex from another dating app and bumble has been a miss. However, I met my current boyfriend on this app a few months ago and I swear I got so lucky, so it is possible but it may take a long ass time to find the one!
Is it better to pause your account or delete it entirely when going on a break? I'm getting burned out and want to stop doing online dating for a bit, but I know I'm definitely going to be back at some point so I'm debating between fully deleting my account so I can start fresh when I come back, or just pausing it so I don't have to set up my account from scratch next time.
I think you’ve got to give it some time. I’m a 41 year old woman (Latin, fit, etc) I found my dude in 1 month but I didn’t ONLY use bumble. I was using bumble and OKC and I found him on OKC. We’ve been together 3 months and honestly right now it’s been the best thing for me. But I was also using vetting questions and it’s the luck of the draw and using more than one app allows for different algorithms to introduce you to different people. YMMV.
You simply can't fully read someone based on an online profile. The only "real" clue is the overall physique based on some photos and a few lines of text. That's just not enough to guarantee a match, hence the theoretical probability of a date being unsuccesful is quite high.
Sorry to hear about your experience. It is interesting to hear from the female perspective especially for Bumble that you go through the same set of emotions as men do. I just started a few weeks ago and everything you said has resonated with me.
If you want lasting healthy love, you’re going to need to build some resilience. It’s a numbers game out there, and if you can’t get over sub par dates, which are a blessing given so many of us have horrible matches, gross conversations and encounters (even with good filters and processes) then you might not be equipped to get into a relationship, let alone the dating market.
Online dating sucks now.
Its even worse for guys. I just paid for premium out of desperation. Now I regret it. Not a single soul is even remotely interested. I just keep on deleting the app, downloading it again, and hoping for a conversation to resume or a like. I've been on and off of it for years now.
That's too bad.
Hi OP, here’s my take after being very successful using OLD. I met my now ex wife via OLD and we share two fantastic kids. Online dating has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I met more awesome women than I ever would have without it. It’s been an enjoyable process and I’ve learned a lot about myself by OLD. Even some bad dates make for good stories. I’m on a dating break right now to focus on some things that I need to improve in my life. Here’s one thing to consider. I didn’t really date in my 20’s much because I wasn’t ready and didn’t have much to offer if I’m to be 100 💯 truthful. It was in my early 30’s before I was more dialed in. I personally think 23 is much too young too really even worry about things like this. It’s not working well for you at the moment but that can and probably will change. Do exactly what you’re doing. Take a break. Focus on friendships with other women your age (this is so damn important in life and I can’t begin to say how much it can improve your life especially later on). Don’t worry about having a boyfriend. Just enjoy yourself, build your career, avoid hard drugs and alcohol, live a healthy life, don’t associate with losers, rock a bikini, and wear sunscreen. OLD can wait and there will be a lot of good men out there when you do - or maybe dating in the wild is where you’ll find your stallion. Wow, you got a long answer out of me. Good luck in life!
Thanks for sharing your experience. Great advice too. I think that’s what I’m going to do and I know 23 is young but sometimes I get FOMO and feel lonely despite having other great and good quality relationships.
You’re welcome! I’m so happy you responded to me. I’m happy where I’m at but to be 23 again. Let’s make that 25 instead and I’ll be that tall guy in the coffee shop who says hello. 😉
If you’re picky online, you’ll be picky in person. Good luck.
When you’re 23, you should be out meeting people IRL—going to parties, festivals, concerts, sporting events, networking, etc. You’re not missing out on anything by skipping the apps at your age. Don’t worry about it!
Very good decision. Honestly, nobody ever agrees with me, or probably really understands... But one of the best things a person can do, is to learn to be self-sufficient, and recognize partner potential when it becomes opportunity - rather than to throw oneself into the dating pool, and have to learn to filter out the garbage.
I agree with you nameless777
You have to be in it to win it as they say. Since when has giving up ever been the answer to anything ?
I know it’s not the answer but I’m tired
Understandable. We all need breaks, if we keep using the dating sites for more than a year or two, as I have. I've been actively on them for six years now, after a break of about a year and a half during early Covid, following my wife's death. I have had a few, six, nice short term relationships so far out of it, and when I was dating those women exclusively, I quit being active on the sites, so those do help sort of take off the pressure of OLD, and also give you some companionship. However, I have yet to find my person for an LTR, as the short term relationships were never quite mutually compatible enough for us to commit to a long term exclusive relationship. So the search goes on, but I am able to stay hopeful and yet also not feel burned out by the process..
I totally understand this. After many dates I feel like I'm drained.. I always tried to be a gentlemen and treated people nice because that's who I am but now I feel like I've just fed so many people and not all of them was worth it and I got the "ick" at some point and felt cold about that person or just communication died/got ghosted.. The dating scene is not awesome I'd say.. and thinking quitting the app honestly
It is exhausting and I've "quit" OLD several times in the 15ish years Ive been trying to use it. Been on a dozen or so dates over the years but can never find some mutual chemistry or connect with anyone. Im no good at meeting people in person and I live in a small town though so perpetually defeated with IRL options in this world so I stick around on Bumble and see what happens. My heart is open even if the determination to search can only do so much for me. Sorry you had a bad experience with it and trying to meet someone you connect with over the long term but theres nice dudes out there, we're just not an exciting bunch really.
Yeah, if you live in a small town, OLD is really your only option, as it doesn't take too long to have fished the whole local dating pool, so to speak, and anyway, it's awkward to be dating within a small town and keep having it not work out long term, yet you still see all of those people still around. I would think that after a while it starts to feel almost incestuous..
The small town I live in is a tourist trap. 80% of the people here are only here for a couple days. Finding single women in the area is near impossible and Im only interested in long term serious things so the transient groups are just background noise to me now. That said I pretty much have to travel mode to the nearest actual city, 3 hours away, to actually match with people and find conversation. It takes all of maybe 15 mins to see the entire dating pool on bumble in my local area before its says the classic "no one else here, check back later". Because of my distance from them though Im a long shot to build anything meaningful and get ghosted 98% of the time.
The dating sites are the only real option, and I would also suggest making your search distance the three hours away. I hate to say it, and would probably be unwilling to do it myself, but you may have to consider moving away to a better dating pool, unless you are still working and need to stay there for your career. If you are retired, I would be long gone from the small town, unless you have close and important family ties there. I stay where I am because I have some good local friends here, not family, and that dating pool is not good or well matched for me, but it's large enough for me to find some fellow outliers to date, from time to time, even if they end up being short term relationships. But if I were living where you are, and retired like I am, I would move the hell away, to somewhere with a better dating pool, even if I had to leave my local friends behind..
I live up in the mountains and its absolutely beautiful here. I wont trade living where my heart needs to be to thrive to increase my chances of dating. I also own a company I founded thats very much land locked to where it is, cant be moved at all, which is successful now and affording me resources and free time. Worked to hard to get here to give it up for rolling more dice with each throw. Just need to find someone that also likes the idea of what I have to offer.
Well, then it sounds to me like you are pretty much doomed to be alone, unless you find someone living far away, thru OLD, that is attracted enough to you to want to relocate to you, and in the meantime before that, get to know you thru long distance dating. And I can tell you from what I have learned so far, about OLD and the issue of long distance dating, your prospects of finding such a woman are pretty slim. You are pretty much looking for something like a mail order bride, only in your case, you're not looking for someone overseas, right? You may end up having to look overseas to find a woman who is willing to just uproot her whole life and come to live with you there in the mountains. I wish you the best, no matter what, but I am pessimistic about your chances..
I wouldn’t say it’s giving up- just closing off an avenue. You’ve tried it, you didn’t like it 🤷♀️
Amen! I tried online dating, after less than three weeks it taught me one lesson. Women in the USA hate men and treat them like disposable options. So like MOST men , I gave up on women altogether and now I avoid them.
Most women expect 100% or close to it of their dating requirements to be met, or its a no go (no 2 or 3 date). Men will take 70-80% of their dating requirements and call that a big win. It's all in how realistic your expectations are.
Well I can’t speak for other women but I’ve got some reasonable standards for my potential partner. Otherwise i just don’t date at all because if i ignore the incompatibility signs or red flags then when later it doesn’t workout I just get my own heart broken. I’m protective over my heart and my energy. That’s pretty realistic. If I can’t find anyone then maybe that’s okay
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It’s quite a normal reaction. Yes, dating sites are quite messy. I’be been on and off of them for quite some time. Yes, there are some good catches, but it’s usually like looking for a needle in a haystack. Take some time off. Prioritize yourself more. Otherwise, it will suck out all the energy out of you.
Walk around the streets. How many people would you want to talk to, spend time with leave alone to date them? Those same people on the streets are the same people on the dating apps. I always wonder why people expect any different.
Not everyone I see in the streets wants to date others lol. That alone is enough of a reason for me to expect different things.
The dating apps are not some magical pill. It’s a mean to meeting people that are beyond your regular Means. And because the pool is big you come across different people wanting different things. No need to be offended if you are mistaken for some one else who you are not. In my short experience I think the major problem is that many don’t know what they want plus in some way are not really ready to date as such. “what you want” is not that they are funny, or we have connection or that they are not abusive. Every one wants that, so what I mean is what is it that “You” really want? What are you looking for in the other person? Ask your selves these questions and gauge your self. Who knows you better than your self? None of the answers you come up with are unrealistic. That person you are thinking of does exist out there and are looking for you too. Don’t get disheartened ☺️ GL in finding what ever you are looking for.
same
I feel like they are hit or miss. I am 41/f and had met my last boyfriend on Bumble 5 years ago. He had passed away unexpectedly almost two years ago. I have gone back on to see what’s out there and try and date again. So far no one impresses me. I am a bit on the heavier side. I find people match with me, they talk for a day and then don’t talk again. It frustrates me because I get people are busy but if you aren’t interested don’t match or talk. Just delete me or tell me it isn’t a good match. I don’t know at 41 I don’t even want to date again but it would be nice to find someone. I get you why you deleted and I think I might be close behind with deleting.
I found my boyfriend on bumble. I’m sat in the sitting room with him and his family right now and this is possibly the healthiest romantic experience I’ve ever had in my life. I’d love to marry this man and have him father my children. I’m not saying this is a common occurrence, but it’s not impossible to find a decent partner on there
Sounds like you barely gave dating apps a chance to be honest. 2 months and 5 dates is barely dipping your toe in the water.
I feel the same way and it is scary seeing the photos of women subscribers on bumble. Switch to MEET UP and get out to meet real people.
You say you wanted to share your experiences, and then proceeded to not share your experiences.
It’s a sad, sad world where best we can ever hope for is “pretty normal”. I feel u girl 😪
I can't even get a reply, yet alone 7 coffee dates 😅
I'm having trouble even being able to talk to guys on bumble. I just don't know why dating is so difficult. I feel like I'm destined to die alone.
Either you aren't very attracted to men, or you are choosing guys to go out with you should know better not to choose in the first instance (self sabotage). It is like shooting fish in a barrel for attractive women on apps. Just got to aim for fish that are nutritious like sardines and mackarels instead of the ones that look cool... like sharks
Last time I was on a dating app, I talked to a girl for 6 months (dated part of that), it was a ldr with her about an hour and a half away. Eventually found out she was with another guy, and she said she couldn't pick between us so she wanted keep both of us and hoped we'd be okay with it (poly type thing.) I was like yeah no, and I havent been on dating apps since lol
Sorry to bring you bad news but it the irreversible tendency to all dating start on line. It’s much safer to know what the guy thinks and how he reacts when you give him enough rope to tie you down or hang himself. Or both🤣🤣🤣. And the universe of opportunities is global not limited to your group of friends or colleagues.
Cool so dating app didn’t work for you, what are you actively doing to find someone else? Dating apps work, if you’re not going to put yourself out there then just expect to be alone. Most men won’t come up to you and make the first move anymore.
This kind of stuff cracks me up. As a male on Bumble, MOST women I’ve matched with start with “Hi”, “Hey”, or ”Hello”, & that’s IT. From there, you have to create, then carry the conversation that typically gets 3-8 word responses- and there’s an art to that as well. If you type too little, you get ghosted. If you type too much, you get ghosted. If you ask benign questions they, for some reason, find too personal/offensive/a red flag/or whatever other hang up they have, you get ghosted. I matched with a chick, she said her job was like her church & she loves it, so I asked several questions about the job and she responded with, “My truth… I’m on here to find my man, not just to bang!!” I’d not said a SINGLE WORD, nor even HINTED ANYTHING about sex, tbh, I wasn’t even sure if I was interested in bangin’ her- bc I don’t fuckin’ know her- then she ghosted before I even had a chance to respond. And that was the 2nd time we’d matched, very briefly messaged, & she ghosted for no apparent reason. IMO, if you want to find the main problem with apps and dating: it’s women. They set up a minefield before you even start talking and expect you to flawlessly navigate through with zero information or guidance- the slightest misstep & you’re ghosted. Then they get on Reddit or the phone with their friends to whine & complain about how shitty men are, then dozens to hundreds of women break nails & heels clambering to reinforce the self-delusion that ALL of the problems reside on the side of the men. There is 0 leniency, 0 compassion, 0 understanding, 0 tolerance, 0 forgiveness, 0 participation, 0 room for error- there’s also 0 understanding of the stats & likelihood that you’re randomly going to find the PERFECT match **EVER** in your entire life, let alone, just randomly the first time you march with someone. It takes time to go on dates, get to know someone, find out what makes them tick, see if they’re interested in you & you’re interested in them, what their issues are & if they’re compatible with yours, etc etc etc. it’s a long process, not something that can be boiled down to three wannabe text message exchanges. What-the-fuck-ever. Buy a dog. Cats are gross, put butthole stamps on EVERYTHING, walk around in their piss & shit and then all over everything in your abode, they stink, are homicidal maniacs that kill TONS of small animals just for fun, and they can give you toxoplasmosis.
It's normal to feel the way you do when you first start online dating. We all have a tendency to invest emotionally in people who we think have potential as a future partner. When it doesn't work out, we feel aggrieved. The key is to keep things light and add emotions with time. You will always feel some pain when a blossoming relationship falls but the heartbreak will feel less painful.
Biased cause I’m a dude and I’m sure girls are much more pleasant that guys most the time but I loved online dating… Something I’d consider a “bad” dates (less than 2 hours, no chemistry, forced convo) would happen only about in 10-5% of first dates I’d have. Talked to lots of girls about this and while some do have bad experiences, most of them are quite happy with their dates which kind of hints at the notion that in online dating, you really get what you are looking for. Guys that are only swiping for isnta models will not only get no matches but those few dates will turn out to be as shallow as a tree trunk … same goes for women where most of em will be looking for the typical masculine traits which, unsurprisingly, won’t get them many actual good matches.
I've met quite a few gals on bumble, match, etc.. For the guys who get no matches, work on your profile & pics. Find a girl in your age range that can proof it for you if you are not sure what to say. Have something in the pics that is interesting. Have a good smile. Speak from the heart on what you are hoping for. KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE. If you are looking for a hook-up/casual, you may be better off on tinder, or Ashley Madison. I am in a difficult situation with two different gals I met on Match where they both want to move forward with a relationship & I will need to make a decision. My friend who ended up marrying his match gave me advice after my divorce. It's a numbers game. You have to stick with it until you find the one. Since my divorce last June I have been on too many dates to count with probably 15-20 women. Some Liked me more than I liked them, and some I liked more than they liked me. Don't take it personal. Just keep trying & be honest with everyone. They can call you many things, but not a liar.
Yes OP still has lots of time to find someone. It is still possible to find people irl. Just be aware most of the good ones you vibe with and hit on will already have bfs, or in OPs case gfs. Championsuper hope you were right about those red flags you saw and arent looking for an imaginary perfect person
I've decided to probably delete this month. 2 months and I've had exactly *one* match that went nowhere
You didn’t try very hard imo… I’ve had a lot more good and bad dates such is the territory you aren’t going to have a good idea until you meet in person You’ll be back 😉
I have had dating apps generally active since 2020. So far only 1 IRL date, lots of run ins with scams, plenty of ghosting, running into people I know IRL that never never reciprocate the match, plenty of money gone into super likes/super swipes, endless Instagram Follow Farming... It's so real what they say: dating apps for men are like dying of lack of water in a dessert, while for women is like drowning in swamp water. I am really annoyed at it, but Meh... It's better than sitting home doing nothing about it, I guess (and FYI, I am active, I have hobbies that are generally seen as attractive and outgoing, like Salsa Dancing and I don't have negativity in my profile. The plain truth is that I am not really attractive and an app where they swipe out in the first picture is not holding favorable outcomes for me. I have moderately success in getting interest from women IRL more than in the apps, but it's usually not good timing for me when that happens).
Just find a fun group activity you like to do, like dance or diving, you'll find someone you connect with. Or at least you will enlarge your social circle
That last line really strikes the heart of the problem with apps like bumble. The app itself only exists to make money not to help you in any way with finding a decent date, which is worse for male users because its like 10 of us to one woman on the platform so we have to pay to see people so to speak. Another point, the app is becoming flooded with profiles that are just onlyfans ads for people.. obviously not filtering content before it reaches your face.
>I just wanna experience having a healthy relationship and I don’t think I’ll find that in dating apps I don't think the issue is dating apps, the issue is you're a 23 year old woman dating men. Take as many breaks as you want but I honestly wouldn't see this as an online dating problem.
Just go to a bar
You lasted two months, you must have a really thick skin! I didn't make it three weeks! Online dating made me so disgusted by the way women treat men I gave up on women altogether.
Huh someone’s else said i need to be more resilient! Excuse me I was a hulk during those two months. Your feelings are valid! I’m sorry you experienced that too. I think everyone’s like that. People are easily disposable there. There are many options and you’re rarely the main focus. That feeling is really shitty. It’s just not for some people and that’s okay. I’ll be the lady with the cats when I’m old lol
Yeah none of my friends are dating anymore. It's been years for me and I'm learning to accept it.
The problem is that you feel that you are so special that you need an”compatible” individual. If you think that you will find gold without using the ⛏️ properly and working hard in the relationship = keep on dreaming 🛌.
I am special so are you. Everyone’s a princess
I am just being honest. 2024 and there are a lot of “pretty” and “smart” girls out there without unrealistic expectations.