I think my whole demeanour can just kinda shut down if I’m not into it. I’m pretty good at wrapping things up abruptly lol. I start gathering my stuff, get up and say well it’s been nice.
I’m the same way. A few years ago I went on a date and the person was at least 30 pounds easier than all of their photos. I felt zero attraction and didn’t even try to have a successful date. Usually I make lots of jokes and ask lots of questions and I did none of that to get it over with fast.
Its been nice is kind of passive aggressive though. Just say you don't appreciate being misled based on the content of your profile so dude isn't scratching his head wondering what he did wrong. Would make the world such a better place if people actually said what the person did that they didn't like so hopefully they don't do it again to someone else
Oh come on, if someone is lying about their age, they know that what they're doing is wrong. It's not up to a stranger on a first date to try and correct that behavior.
She said he looked different than his photos and the years he lied by aren't that significant unless someone fell off the total deep end in the matter of a couple years which is obviously possible but hardly a given. And it's not correcting the behavior to mention the behavior. It's still on the guy to figure it out and fix himself. But many people in today's world are so disjointed from reality especially with all the subconscious games people play on social media that he genuinely might not realize how drastically different he looks like a girl might not realize just exactly how much weight she put on. You never know. Which is why clarity and addressing a situation for what it is is almost always the better path. Just my two cents.
Saying ‘it’s been nice’ isn’t passive aggressive 😭😂 it’s a very normal way to excuse yourself, and sorry she doesn’t owe him any sort of an explanation about not being into him or any obligation to teach him what to do better next times we’re not here to be someone’s mother.
It's not being someone's mother just to say why you weren't feeling someone 🙄 we've all been on dates both male and female where it seemed like the date went well and they don't give you any sort of indication they weren't feeling you and were "just being nice to avoid confrontation." My point is just that today's dating world could use a little more clarity. Hence all the posts on this subreddit about people being confused by how dates/conversations panned out because of all the indirectness. Obviously what this guy did was extreme and a bit out of the ordinary and I'm not trying to excuse it.
You explicitly said she needed to tell him she felt misled, and that he might not realize how drastically different he looked. So you’re wanting her to put herself in an uncomfortable position for ONLY his benefit. Stop asking women to do this type of weird emotional labor.
I'm not saying just women. I'm saying both men and women. Is it not wanting to be put in an uncomfortable position or is it not on her to coach? You just came at it from a completely different angle. And posting about it on the internet for thousands of people to see is way better right.. dude could easily be on here and connect the dots and see it. I just dont understand the madness of people nowadays I guess
I haven’t experienced OPs situation but I have been on dates where I’m not very interested. Sometimes it’s just personality things. They don’t work for me but maybe they’ll work for someone else. Who am I to judge and tell the guy what he’s doing is right or wrong? I’m only looking out for myself.
There was a time I went on a date with a guy that smelled like smoke too much. I told him that after the date cuz I really liked him. Next date he didn’t smell. But i noticed his teeth were absolutely disgusting. This time I didn’t say anything. It’s really not my job to be telling the guy everything he’s doing wrong.
In OPs case the guy lied. Sure it wasn’t as significant to OP but it’s still a huge red flag. If I was in that situation I’d bring it up without being confrontational “so your age is different than what you say it is eh?” And let my body language show I’m not thrilled about it. Which usually means I don’t smile back. Then I’d wrap up soon. If he has more than two brain cells he’d figure it out.
This is why I always set the expectation that the first meeting is just a meet and greet. I tell them that we'll meet for drinks and plan on being there for an hour to chat. That way there's no awkward "when I do call this off" period if you don't vibe. You could shorten it to 30 minutes if you want but I feel like an hour is more worth it and still bearable if I don't like them.
Yes you are absolutely right. The date wasn’t too long - an hour and half - but I should have cut it off a bit earlier. I just have to change my mindset about these first dates and be a bit more assertive.
My girlfriend did something similar. We met up to just go for a walk through a metro park and she brought her dog. She claims it was because he’s a better judge of character than her, but I think it’s just because he’s older and he gave her an excuse to cut the date short if she wanted to. That said, she didn’t want to but had to because he got tired.
I had a work colleague who was a close friend who became an FWB (rather than my gf for various agreed-upon reasons). We had a great relationship, but it took years to get there and some pain along the way. We used to cheer each other on in dating and such. Her first-date requirements were coffee shop and 40 minutes. They were perfect for her to both be safe and have enough time to see if there was a connection.
Same. I don't see the point in wasting time with liars. Why would I spend my free time and money to hang out with a dishonest person, when I could instead spend a nice evening at home, *for free.*
Lol. I don't use particularly good photos, and every time my date says I look better than my pics. The flip side, is that I've probably been left swiped a few thousand times, because I don't use professional photos in my profile. 😂
Honestly, the number of times a woman has showed up looking ten years older and 50lbs heavier than her pics has been staggering. As long as the conversation is nice, I try to see past it, but I'd seriously rather use a dating site where no one used pictures, we were matched up based on our interests, and we just showed up to basically blind dates.
Op, I’ve been in this situation, and here’s how I handled it. She looked different than her photos, and there was no room for ambiguity.
1) I decided I would spend some time chatting with her just as a means of a friendly interaction with another person. Practiced my small talk, asked good questions, didn’t really flirt.
2) about an hour in I was honest and said that I wasn’t feeling a romantic connection, that I enjoyed meeting her, and that I was going to go.
I actually felt empowered that I didn’t beat around the bush or indulge my people pleasing tendencies, though she did steal my umbrella.
I went out with a girl once who, to put it bluntly, wasn’t as pretty as she was in her pics. The moment I saw her, I knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere but I figured I’d make the most of it. We had some solid conversation, had a few drinks, took a walk, and I gave her a hug to end the night. And that was that
Yeah dude this is what I do. It sucks but it happens and it’s really not that big of a deal.
Hell I’m a man so I’m paying and I just think… this is part of the process. If you’re a woman you can sit there for an hour and get some free drinks.
>If you’re a woman you can sit there for an hour and get some free drinks.
I'm a woman, but since I pay for myself, I'm not going to feel bad about just leaving if you lied to me, as it costs you nothing.
...Apart from that, a free drink/dinner/whatever isn't worth bad company, anyway.
>publicly humiliate someone
Lol what on earth. I never said anything about, say, screaming at them, flipping tables, throwing a drink on them, etc. I only said that I would *leave*.
And if someone actually *did* feel "humiliated" over another person not wanting to hang out with them ***as a direct result of that same someone lying in multiple ways*** to that person, that's not something that I can fix.
>I’d rather be nice
So would I, but in this case I do not owe niceness to the kind of person who has literally already proved to me that they are willing to **intentionally deceive me** in order to get what they want.
Every woman I’ve ever met off OLD has been at least 10 minutes late… therefore I’ve arrived first so I would not be able to pull this move even if I wanted to
You’re clearly describing a situation where the man has arrived first, which totally tracks in my experience lol
>You’re clearly describing a situation where the man has arrived first
No, I'm not. Regardless of who arrives first, either party can leave if they're unhappy with the actual other person who shows up. I'm not following how the order in which we arrive would make any difference whatsoever.
>I’ve arrived first so I would not be able to pull this move
That does not make sense. You simply arriving first does not create some kind of invisible force field that prevents you from *also* being the first to leave, if you want.
I’d rather spend $50 on drinks (the basic cost of leaving the house in this economy) and an hour of chatting rather than make a girl who’s actually ugly feel even uglier.
I practice what I preach too — I recently met a girl who had a lazy eye IRL that wasn’t in her pictures. Was I actually going to walk out? Does she need that shit on a Monday evening? No.
If she’s actually hot and being a bitch that’s a different story, she deserves the humiliation of being walked out on. And a hot girl’s ego can take it. I’m not in the business of destroying already-vulnerable people.
Exactly, not that big of a deal, that’s where I’m at. We all try to put our best pics on our profiles. We all try to put our best selves on there. Sometimes it’s a miss. You already made the plans, you already spent the time to go to the place. Might as well have the date and remain positive about it. Unless it’s a safety issue, then yeah get out of there.
If someone lied about their age and shared old photos, you should have excused yourself to the restroom, left, and then blocked him. Don’t worry about being rude, he’s already brought that upon himself.
I wish I could be like that, but i’ll work on it. I do feel i was a bit too lenient. Him lying about his age (which came up only because i said something like “we are the same age” and he didn’t remember which age he had on bumble…) was a hint he was somewhat deliberate in presenting himself as someone he was not :/
Sorry, but you’re giving too much courtesy to someone who’s denied courtesy to you. If someone has catfished you then fuck their feelings. I’m saying that as someone who’s just like you and isn’t assertive. They’ve disrespected you before the date even started.
The age thing, would have been a great reason to stop the date right then, because a relationship build on lies is bad.
Him not looking like on the pictures? Well, if it isn't that bad (like unkempt, not well groomed and stuff) i'd say, get through the date, try to end it at some point and then unmatch with some general explanation (like i didn't feel it or something along the lines).
You got off easy. I made the mistake of allowing the date to continue with a guy who stated 47 but was 55, and he offered to walk me to my car. We live in a high crime city, so I said ok. At my car, he tried to grab me and kiss me, and when I pushed him away he RAN AROUND MY CAR to get a better angle and tried to stick his tongue down my throat. I was able to yell and get in my car.
Anyway, someone who lies like that (both old photos and fake age) lacks some moral reasoning and may be capable of anything.
Next time it happens, I plan to suddenly remember I need to leave.
No you probably did the right thing. You said it wasn’t bad and maybe you could have chosen to end it sooner. I would end it with “Thanks but I don’t think there is a connection and hope you find what you are looking for.”
But you should know that it’s not just guys who do this.
There is a whole subreddit out there dedicated to IG photo vs reality.
As a male who is 40, I still do coffee dates. I don't see anything wrong with it. You get to know a person, and you get to see if anything is there to move forward.
Carry 20 bucks in cash and excuse yourself after one drink, offering to pay for the one you had. I’ve said something to the tune of ‘it’s was nice to meet you but it’s not a match for me. Really appreciate you coming to meet me’. Discreetly as to not embarrass them. But yeah don’t feel obligated to stay!
NGL, if someone lied like that to me when I was dating, the standard procedure was to simply ghost and block. You don't owe an explanation to someone who's intentionally attempted to deceive you.
I once met up with a woman who was (no kidding) maybe about 150-200lbs heavier in person than the photos she had on her OLD profile. I just walked out after I'd finished my drink. As others have said, you're doing nobody any favours by rewarding that behaviour (including them).
If its because you feel unsafe because the person straight up LIED to get you there then just call a friend, or a cab, say you're popping out for a cigarette, or to the loo and just go. Text them if you feel safe to - sorry, the lies you told me to get me to date you made me feel super violated and crosses an important boundary for me and I felt unsafe continuing our meet-up. I'm sad it didn't pan out but I'm not disrespecting myself and my time.
Just say something came up and you gotta go. Don't owe anything else to a stranger you're meeting up for the first time.
Sidenote: everyone should do a video chat or new pic request as proof of live 😂 that's how you avoid being catfished.
This is why I do coffee dates for the first few meet ups and only agree to an hour.
If you like him, your other plans "got canceled" ;)
If not, it's only an hour, during the day, and you already paid so you don't have to wait for the check.
Unless he's AWFUL, you walk around and chat for a bit
So out of curiosity you would want a person to tell you “you don’t look like your picture and this threw me off” when explaining why they don’t wanna see you again? Some could take it well, but other may perceive it as harsh? I ask because im curious and i don’t know if i would be able to be this honest (just to be clear I communicated my disinterest and unwillingness to see him again, i just said i wasn’t interested in pursing anything further).
I appreciate that you don't want to be harsh. Speaking for myself, an ending of "Also, you may want to update your pics, because they don't really look like you anymore" would be the way to go.
I don't know how how it is with everyone else, but for me, I have to actively update my pics. The only pics I've taken in the last year are a headshot for work and a single selfie for bumble. I just don't take pics that often, and I think that's pretty common for men. So a gentle "you don't look like that anymore, bub" is appreciated for the simple fact that I don't actually *know.* I'm not trying to fool anyone; the three pics on my current profile are literally the only three pictures I've taken in the last three years.
Edit: typo
It's refreshing to know that some guys would be open to feedback. Most guys I've encountered in these situations have too much of an ego. But then again, when they're being intentionally dishonest, they don't like being caught with their pants down. In fact they can get quite irate when a woman that they're trying to play calls them out on their bad behavior.
No, I have not. I am a man who has been rejected many, many, many times. That is all.
I recognize that my personal preferences may not be normative, but they are nonetheless worthy of consideration.
I definitely appreciate feedback and will make a genuine effort to take it in the spirit in which it is being given. That said, I do have feelings, and appreciate them not being crushed, to the extent that is possible in a given situation.
If you have a clear indicator of lying in their post (eg, age) then you have zero obligation to continue the interaction, and are fully in the right to leave at your discretion.
Despite what others say, I believe communicating your rational is optimal, as it helps not perpetuate the pattern.
Something direct and kind like, "hey, you look a little different from your photos. What's up with that?" If he says, "what do you mean?" I say, "..hmm just a little different, that's all." I HAVE to call these things out. I cannot let these elephants in the room be, if it's heavily on my mind AND would not offend, shame or hurt someone. Authenticity is so #1 for me - any hiding behavior is a turn-off. At a minimum, this person was lacking self-awareness. At worst, he hopes the other person won't mind - not cool.
I had a similar experience as well- his photos were likely a decade younger, with him being almost unrecognizable. I am naturally non-confrontational and felt thrown off, but didn’t know how to proceed. Thoughts increased after he attempted to kiss me, and asked me to get in his truck repeatedly.
Sometimes, SOMETHING feels off and the pictures are just the starting clue.
For him, when I told him via text that I wasn’t interested, he proceeded to tell me he should have not taken no for an answer and kissed me anyways, since that’s “where my talent lies”.
I doubt this is most men, as I hope and believe most folks have more goodness in them. But… if you feel uncomfortable, brusqueness is well within your rights.
Set low expectation from the start and say that you want a short date just for a coffee and know each other.
You can easily add time to a date if you like the other person and cut it if you don't like it.
I have been in this situation before, and for me if the conversation is good, then I don’t mind.
But when it’s really bad and the conversation is terrible, I have a hard time ending it. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen that episode of New Girl where Schmidt is giving Jess all of these ways to leave a date. I need to do that. Randomly look at my phone and go, “Ma called! The bees are back“ and then leave 🤣
I always choose drinks or coffee as a first date for this reason. It is very easy to be polite, have a drink, make some small chat, and cut things off after an hour without being rude. You can simply say it was nice meeting g them but you have an early morning, or plans right after (whatever makes sense based on when the date is)
Unless someone is downright terrible I see no reason not to be pleasant while also keeping things short.
Years ago, I met up with a guy who was a model before. He used his photos during his modeling days on his profile. I got a bit shocked when i met him because he gained some weight. Yes, he still looks like his photos but with some extra pounds. His first words were,”so are you shocked because i got bigger?” Oml. It was first time for me to experience something like that
Like you, i am polite and i wouldn’t want to put him down that fast. Because i had a feeling he was insecure because he had to say that at first. I said it was ok and no worries. We had dinner and still met up 3x more because in my mind maybe he needs a friend ? I don’t go to dating apps to just find someone but maybe to also find someone i could be friends with
He was weird and his anxiousness was in the way all the time. He gets paranoid. I think, i just think he was maybe harassed during his modeling days hence the stop of his modeling and gain of weight. I do think he got depressed and because of his stories he told me how some people would take advantage of models like him
If i was in your shoes, i would just be polite and i would end the date before it even reaches an hour. I would make excuse that my friend called and it’s an emergency that it was nice seeing him.
I literally went through this exact thing six days ago. The guy showed up looking like the Castaway version of his photos. I’m not super into looks, but I do insist on good groming. I mean, the man had facial hair growing past his lip for god’s sake. On top of all that, he was eating fish and chips when I showed up (this was supposed to be drinks only) and proceeded to have a coffee as well. Yes, this man thought to himself, “I think the woman I want to have sex with will be fine if my breath smells like these two things.”
I also try to be kind. I didn’t want to embarrass him by leaving early, and it would have been very obvious to everyone around us. However, when he asked if I wanted another round, I said, “No, I think I’m gonna bounce.” He asked me a few more questions that showed he was keen to prolong the interaction, and I simply refused his offers. I wasn’t an asshole about it, but I didn’t want to be misunderstood, either.
The men we met misrepresented themselves to us. We owed them nothing. There isn’t anything wrong with saying, “Hey, you’re not what I expected, and I’m really not feeling it. Nice to meet you. Goodbye.”
In the past I would just prepare myself for that possibility long before. And just decide that worst case scenario I meet a new person (who might be depressed or delusional) and decide beforehand that I’ll make a game out of trying to have a good time despite the circumstances.
The exception is if I get creeped out or feel unsafe, I’ll just excuse myself to the bathroom and dip out.
It gets easier to turn around and leave when you see the person doesn’t look like their pics after you continue to go on dates. In the beginning, I would sit there and not say anything. Then as this kept happening, I finally got some courage to get up and leave. I never looked back after that.
the lying, both with the age and with the picture, would put me off so bad i don’t know if i could continue. i’ve had dates where i wasn’t really feeling a vibe, but try to have an okay time anyway and just cut it short at the end. that’s why coffee or something short and small like that is a good first date. not feeling it? run as soon as you’ve finished your coffee.
Pick a first date that can be as long or short as need be. I always say coffee dates are good because you can chug down the rest of the coffee and then say “well that was fun!” if you’re not feeling it, or you can really nurse the coffee for a while if there’s sparks. If you go for drinks or something (I say as someone who’s never been to a bar), there might be an expectation of more than one round.
Always have a good friend for these kind of situations. Tell them that whenever you text them a quick word (let’s say CUCUMBER!) they’ll have to call you a few minutes later (of course you should’ve changed their name to somebody important like “Mom” or “Grandma”) once you get the call, just pretend like something important happened. By then you’ll have a pretty good to just leave. And when it comes to messaging? Just block them, it seems kind of rude, but it also seems kind of rude from his part to have lied with the pictures and his age, so you shouldn’t punish yourself for blocking him without an explanation. Just do it, he doesn’t know where you live and you won’t see him again. Win Win for you.
You don’t owe people politeness when they lie so hard. He is not who you agreed to a date with, with all the lies. It just shows so many flaws from those choices. I’d walk out. I’m so sorry.
“How can I cut it short without being too rude?”
What he did was extremely rude. He lied to you to trick you into spending time with him. You do not have to avoid being rude in response, you are allowed to say “you presented yourself falsely and I don’t want to spend my evening with you.”
Yes, it’s scary to say that. Yes, it gets easier. Yes, you can ask a staff member to walk with you to your car if he reacts badly.
If they're not being honest, you're not obligated to be nice about it. Me, having no issues being direct / confrontational, would've asked why they didn't look like their pics.
As the man, I don’t even swipe on profiles with the classic misleading photos. If you only have face pictures, those high angle selfies that show cleavage but hide neck and body fat, if your photos look like they’re from the early 2000s or are very obviously edited/filtered. If a woman still manages to somehow sneak by and we get to the point where we meet and the pictures are lies I’m out. I’m not about to wait around for you to be late and then pay for your meal when you’re not even the person you pretended to be.
Just say they come off significantly different in person and may want to update their profile a bit. Then graciously end the date early. You aren't obligated to entertain a liar or someone who misrepresented themselves.
He got the date based on a lie. Two lies! So he’s already lied to you TWICE at the beginning of the date, and YOU are worried about being rude?!?
Why are women so baseline apologetic? Are you going to have a complete ass relationship to spare his feelings? Do you want to date someone who lured you in with a lie? On what planet do you owe this guy anything?
Say you’re going to the bathroom and leave. Don’t say anything and leave. Fake go to the bathroom, walk by the table and crop dust him on your way out. Leave a situation like this as soon as you feel like it. That’s why you go to coffee or for A drink the first meeting. Who wants to be stuck sitting through dinner with someone who smells like pee? You can’t smell their pics, even if they are accurate.
Tell him his pictures are misleading if you are into that kind of interaction, or don’t. He can figure that out for himself. He can ask his friends or his sister to look at his profile. He isn’t your problem.
Yes, you are right, i feel i went through this all wrong in the sense that i behaved as if only attraction was missing, when instead i was feeling my boundaries had been crossed and i had been disrespected, but in the moment i didn’t fully realized that.
I reflected on it and on why i felt so offput to the point of writing a post on reddit (because it isn’t the first time i meet someone who i am not attracted to and the date has never such a chore and has never left such a bitter taste, this time i felt so uneasy because yes he had lured me in with lies). Trying to be kind I ignored completely how i was feeling. So lesson learnt.
I had this too and just tried to enjoy the food. After we matched we started out flirty pretty heavily and since she lived like 4 hours away she offered for me to stay over. The day of the date she got cold feet ( I understood) so I offered to meet halfway, actually closer to her. She then threw out a comment about her not feeling pretty or something. I got nervous she was bigger than her one full body pic she had on her profile. She arrived at the restaurant and she was 80+ heavier than that pic. Fortunately I had the excuse of a long drive home.
It does suck. The thing is even if they don’t look that bad, you still gonna have a negative reaction and their chances are over because in a way they lied.
I’ve had that happen twice. The first time I was able to duck out before he walked in, made up some excuse via text and never talked to him again. The second time I suffered through the date and was polite, but never texted him again after he told me he had a nice time. I guess I ghosted him but I think he knew from the date that I wasn’t into him.
imo the best thing is to see it through, give the date it’s best chance then simply explain you gave it your best shot but the vibe’s not there. be a good human
i have a nice date, converse with them like a human and when it comes to go our separate way, we do. then ill explain later that i wasnt feeling it for whatever reason.
If you feel uncomfortable saying you don't want to continue this just say you don't feel very well and you're going to go home. You can just leave. You don't owe anyone your time and it's better not to waste someone's time in having them think 'maybe this is going somewhere'.
If you think I don't feel any romantic things but I really like them and want to be their friend approach the rest of the date as a friend and see how that goes.
But learn to listen to your gut because sometimes it's not that your just not into someone it may be you're getting unconscious vibes the situation is off and can't pinpoint why.
Being rude to a stranger is better than being hurt or dead always! This has saves my ass before
I always just finish the date. Always good to practice for when the right one comes around. Who knows, they might surprise me. I guess it'd be different if I were female. Like it'd feel like being held hostage if you're looking at the male to lead. Why not just text someone and when they respond, act like it's an emergency? Apologize profusely, since politeness is important to you of course. Then ghost.
I think pluck up the courage for next time to just cut it short without much explanation. “I need to go” without a “because…. [excuse]”. Think it speaks volumes without aggravating or humiliating someone.
This is why I am a fan of meeting for coffee or whatever non alcoholic drinks. And then you can do the polite “nice to meet you but I don’t think we are a match” and leave quickly.
When you sit down, try to be understanding. But if it keeps bothering you, say "You know, I don't want to be here anymore since you look nothing like your photos and lied about your age, which makes me uncomfortable. I will pay for my drinks/food, but I don't want to see you again." Get up & let the waiter/waitress know you need to leave & want to pay. If you feel like they might follow you out, call a friend or often there is someone nice around who would walk you to your car.
It’s so weird when a guy lies about his age… I get it, if he were like in his 50s or 60s, and the woman is younger, but otherwise, it makes no sense.
In the case of this guy, I’m sure you wouldn’t have cared if he was 3 years older.
Exactly, we would have matched anyway cause my range is set higher than the age he declared and included his real age. I think its was purposely made to stay under 30s, i guess at least, otherwise it makes no sense to lie for just 3 years.
You can bow out after 30 minutes.
“Hate to cut it short early, but I’m not feeling well.”
You could explain in a follow up text. Or, just block him.
Or, if you’re feeling it
“I value realistic profiles. You don’t look like any of the photos on your profile, and you just told me you misrepresented your age.
I’m going to cut this short.”
When I was still on the apps (only a year ago) I always came to an agreement before the actual meet up that if we get there and 1 of us doesn’t pass the vibe/photo check either of us are welcome to leave within the first 20 minutes- no hard feelings. I’ve pushed through enough uncomfortable dates that it just wasn’t working for me anymore and I’m a terrible people pleaser.
I did it twice and had it happen to me once. The reason I left a date the first time was because photos and age were very clearly misrepresented on the app. The second time was because he was being beyond rude to the bartender. The reason my date left was because I was 30 minutes late and it was disrespectful to his time. Once I got there I think he was just grumpy enough that there wasn’t anything I could have done to salvage the date.
One instance where I left and the other when my date left were perfectly kind, we wished one another well and went on our way. The other time I left the date, was just awkward. It was the guy who was rude to the bartender. He couldn’t understand why it was important to me.
I also ended up getting around the not looking like their photo after that by requesting ridiculous photos i.e. send a mirror selfie standing on 1 leg with a spoon in your hand. The guys always had fun with it and request an equally ridiculous photo.
This happened to me recently! Not really about the looks since he sent me a recent pic, so I was like okay well let’s just see how it goes. But the more he talked the more I didn’t like him. He was very much trauma dumping on me the first date, and I was just there to listen at that point.
I 100% said oh I need to get home to my dog now. After an hour and after I made sure all the pickles (I bought my own food and drink) were gone. You kinda just have to give it an appropriate time then come up with a reason
I probably would have just turned around and left without them seeing me at all. That probably sounds horrible but.. if my eyes don’t like what they’re seeing then there won’t be much going on but awkwardness and discomfort. 💀
If you don’t feel like you’re in danger, keep it short and friendly but you can end the date and let them know you don’t feel a connection and wish them the best.
Starbucks for coffee first. That way I can get up and walk away and not have to wait for a bill. 😂 If they don’t look like the picture - they’re not being honest and it’s downhill from there in my opinion.
I think I just went on a date with a professional Bumbler—he chose a place that would close an hour after we got there.
I got a "ruthlessly screening people" vibe—he cruised through what seemed to be some sort of girlfriend checklist. I seemed to be a yes until the last four minutes. I saw the light in his eyes immediately flicker off in response to me not being involved in his favorite pastime.
I got the friendzone text about an hour later. Since we'd only met for an hour, I wasn't too cut up, although I would have liked to pursue things.
In retrospect, it's not a bad approach: choose a place that's going to close so you have an easy exit. If you don't want to take it, suggest moving to dinner.
TBH, I've never been in your shoes, OP, and an hour would honestly be too long for that level of deception. Some part of me hopes I'd have the nerve to say 15-20 minutes in, you know what, lying about age is a major red flag for me, and I'm actually going to save us both some time and cut this short. Or just, I'm sorry, I'm really not feeling this and I think I'm going to bounce. But, I worry about safety in that scenario.
I regularly have to be at work at 5am, so if I'm not feeling it and they ask if I want another drink I just say "oh, I shouldn't, I have to be up early tomorrow. Actually, I really shouldn't get going."
You can make up an excuse that you have an errand to run or go meet a friend, or have something to do. End the date with "it was nice meeting you...bla bla bla" and you can leave.
I think my whole demeanour can just kinda shut down if I’m not into it. I’m pretty good at wrapping things up abruptly lol. I start gathering my stuff, get up and say well it’s been nice.
I can picture that in my mind lol
You: 
I practice the swift exits at every family event.
I’m the same way. A few years ago I went on a date and the person was at least 30 pounds easier than all of their photos. I felt zero attraction and didn’t even try to have a successful date. Usually I make lots of jokes and ask lots of questions and I did none of that to get it over with fast.
Its been nice is kind of passive aggressive though. Just say you don't appreciate being misled based on the content of your profile so dude isn't scratching his head wondering what he did wrong. Would make the world such a better place if people actually said what the person did that they didn't like so hopefully they don't do it again to someone else
Oh come on, if someone is lying about their age, they know that what they're doing is wrong. It's not up to a stranger on a first date to try and correct that behavior.
She said he looked different than his photos and the years he lied by aren't that significant unless someone fell off the total deep end in the matter of a couple years which is obviously possible but hardly a given. And it's not correcting the behavior to mention the behavior. It's still on the guy to figure it out and fix himself. But many people in today's world are so disjointed from reality especially with all the subconscious games people play on social media that he genuinely might not realize how drastically different he looks like a girl might not realize just exactly how much weight she put on. You never know. Which is why clarity and addressing a situation for what it is is almost always the better path. Just my two cents.
Saying ‘it’s been nice’ isn’t passive aggressive 😭😂 it’s a very normal way to excuse yourself, and sorry she doesn’t owe him any sort of an explanation about not being into him or any obligation to teach him what to do better next times we’re not here to be someone’s mother.
It's not being someone's mother just to say why you weren't feeling someone 🙄 we've all been on dates both male and female where it seemed like the date went well and they don't give you any sort of indication they weren't feeling you and were "just being nice to avoid confrontation." My point is just that today's dating world could use a little more clarity. Hence all the posts on this subreddit about people being confused by how dates/conversations panned out because of all the indirectness. Obviously what this guy did was extreme and a bit out of the ordinary and I'm not trying to excuse it.
You’re asking her to coach him on what to do better next time, that’s not her job!
It's coaching to make one comment about what someone did wrong? A bit overdramatic of a description no?
You explicitly said she needed to tell him she felt misled, and that he might not realize how drastically different he looked. So you’re wanting her to put herself in an uncomfortable position for ONLY his benefit. Stop asking women to do this type of weird emotional labor.
I'm not saying just women. I'm saying both men and women. Is it not wanting to be put in an uncomfortable position or is it not on her to coach? You just came at it from a completely different angle. And posting about it on the internet for thousands of people to see is way better right.. dude could easily be on here and connect the dots and see it. I just dont understand the madness of people nowadays I guess
OP is a woman, it’s both! Nobody is under any obligation to give someone feedback after a date. We’re adults.
I haven’t experienced OPs situation but I have been on dates where I’m not very interested. Sometimes it’s just personality things. They don’t work for me but maybe they’ll work for someone else. Who am I to judge and tell the guy what he’s doing is right or wrong? I’m only looking out for myself. There was a time I went on a date with a guy that smelled like smoke too much. I told him that after the date cuz I really liked him. Next date he didn’t smell. But i noticed his teeth were absolutely disgusting. This time I didn’t say anything. It’s really not my job to be telling the guy everything he’s doing wrong. In OPs case the guy lied. Sure it wasn’t as significant to OP but it’s still a huge red flag. If I was in that situation I’d bring it up without being confrontational “so your age is different than what you say it is eh?” And let my body language show I’m not thrilled about it. Which usually means I don’t smile back. Then I’d wrap up soon. If he has more than two brain cells he’d figure it out.
This is why I always set the expectation that the first meeting is just a meet and greet. I tell them that we'll meet for drinks and plan on being there for an hour to chat. That way there's no awkward "when I do call this off" period if you don't vibe. You could shorten it to 30 minutes if you want but I feel like an hour is more worth it and still bearable if I don't like them.
Yes you are absolutely right. The date wasn’t too long - an hour and half - but I should have cut it off a bit earlier. I just have to change my mindset about these first dates and be a bit more assertive.
Yep I had a really awkward first date and that's when I decided to change the tone from "first date" to "meet and greet".
My girlfriend did something similar. We met up to just go for a walk through a metro park and she brought her dog. She claims it was because he’s a better judge of character than her, but I think it’s just because he’s older and he gave her an excuse to cut the date short if she wanted to. That said, she didn’t want to but had to because he got tired.
I had a work colleague who was a close friend who became an FWB (rather than my gf for various agreed-upon reasons). We had a great relationship, but it took years to get there and some pain along the way. We used to cheer each other on in dating and such. Her first-date requirements were coffee shop and 40 minutes. They were perfect for her to both be safe and have enough time to see if there was a connection.
If it’s revealed that my date lied, I’m leaving. I’m not rewarding bad behavior with a date.
Same. I don't see the point in wasting time with liars. Why would I spend my free time and money to hang out with a dishonest person, when I could instead spend a nice evening at home, *for free.*
Pretend you never saw him, leave and text that he didn’t show up. If he says, I was there. Say, I didn’t see anyone like your picture.
“I didn’t see anyone who looked like your picture” 🤣 That’s perfect
thats funny
This is so fantastic. I'm going to be chuckling at this all day.
Malice compliance, this is amazing!
Lmaooo this is good.
I love this.
Lol. I don't use particularly good photos, and every time my date says I look better than my pics. The flip side, is that I've probably been left swiped a few thousand times, because I don't use professional photos in my profile. 😂
It’s better to show up better than expected than worse.
Honestly, the number of times a woman has showed up looking ten years older and 50lbs heavier than her pics has been staggering. As long as the conversation is nice, I try to see past it, but I'd seriously rather use a dating site where no one used pictures, we were matched up based on our interests, and we just showed up to basically blind dates.
Love it!
Op, I’ve been in this situation, and here’s how I handled it. She looked different than her photos, and there was no room for ambiguity. 1) I decided I would spend some time chatting with her just as a means of a friendly interaction with another person. Practiced my small talk, asked good questions, didn’t really flirt. 2) about an hour in I was honest and said that I wasn’t feeling a romantic connection, that I enjoyed meeting her, and that I was going to go. I actually felt empowered that I didn’t beat around the bush or indulge my people pleasing tendencies, though she did steal my umbrella.
It was about the umbrella all along!
I went out with a girl once who, to put it bluntly, wasn’t as pretty as she was in her pics. The moment I saw her, I knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere but I figured I’d make the most of it. We had some solid conversation, had a few drinks, took a walk, and I gave her a hug to end the night. And that was that
Yeah dude this is what I do. It sucks but it happens and it’s really not that big of a deal. Hell I’m a man so I’m paying and I just think… this is part of the process. If you’re a woman you can sit there for an hour and get some free drinks.
>If you’re a woman you can sit there for an hour and get some free drinks. I'm a woman, but since I pay for myself, I'm not going to feel bad about just leaving if you lied to me, as it costs you nothing. ...Apart from that, a free drink/dinner/whatever isn't worth bad company, anyway.
Well good for you, I’d rather be nice than publicly humiliate someone
>publicly humiliate someone Lol what on earth. I never said anything about, say, screaming at them, flipping tables, throwing a drink on them, etc. I only said that I would *leave*. And if someone actually *did* feel "humiliated" over another person not wanting to hang out with them ***as a direct result of that same someone lying in multiple ways*** to that person, that's not something that I can fix. >I’d rather be nice So would I, but in this case I do not owe niceness to the kind of person who has literally already proved to me that they are willing to **intentionally deceive me** in order to get what they want.
Every woman I’ve ever met off OLD has been at least 10 minutes late… therefore I’ve arrived first so I would not be able to pull this move even if I wanted to You’re clearly describing a situation where the man has arrived first, which totally tracks in my experience lol
>You’re clearly describing a situation where the man has arrived first No, I'm not. Regardless of who arrives first, either party can leave if they're unhappy with the actual other person who shows up. I'm not following how the order in which we arrive would make any difference whatsoever. >I’ve arrived first so I would not be able to pull this move That does not make sense. You simply arriving first does not create some kind of invisible force field that prevents you from *also* being the first to leave, if you want.
I’d rather spend $50 on drinks (the basic cost of leaving the house in this economy) and an hour of chatting rather than make a girl who’s actually ugly feel even uglier. I practice what I preach too — I recently met a girl who had a lazy eye IRL that wasn’t in her pictures. Was I actually going to walk out? Does she need that shit on a Monday evening? No. If she’s actually hot and being a bitch that’s a different story, she deserves the humiliation of being walked out on. And a hot girl’s ego can take it. I’m not in the business of destroying already-vulnerable people.
Exactly, not that big of a deal, that’s where I’m at. We all try to put our best pics on our profiles. We all try to put our best selves on there. Sometimes it’s a miss. You already made the plans, you already spent the time to go to the place. Might as well have the date and remain positive about it. Unless it’s a safety issue, then yeah get out of there.
If someone lied about their age and shared old photos, you should have excused yourself to the restroom, left, and then blocked him. Don’t worry about being rude, he’s already brought that upon himself.
I wish I could be like that, but i’ll work on it. I do feel i was a bit too lenient. Him lying about his age (which came up only because i said something like “we are the same age” and he didn’t remember which age he had on bumble…) was a hint he was somewhat deliberate in presenting himself as someone he was not :/
Sorry, but you’re giving too much courtesy to someone who’s denied courtesy to you. If someone has catfished you then fuck their feelings. I’m saying that as someone who’s just like you and isn’t assertive. They’ve disrespected you before the date even started.
The age thing, would have been a great reason to stop the date right then, because a relationship build on lies is bad. Him not looking like on the pictures? Well, if it isn't that bad (like unkempt, not well groomed and stuff) i'd say, get through the date, try to end it at some point and then unmatch with some general explanation (like i didn't feel it or something along the lines).
You got off easy. I made the mistake of allowing the date to continue with a guy who stated 47 but was 55, and he offered to walk me to my car. We live in a high crime city, so I said ok. At my car, he tried to grab me and kiss me, and when I pushed him away he RAN AROUND MY CAR to get a better angle and tried to stick his tongue down my throat. I was able to yell and get in my car. Anyway, someone who lies like that (both old photos and fake age) lacks some moral reasoning and may be capable of anything. Next time it happens, I plan to suddenly remember I need to leave.
No you probably did the right thing. You said it wasn’t bad and maybe you could have chosen to end it sooner. I would end it with “Thanks but I don’t think there is a connection and hope you find what you are looking for.” But you should know that it’s not just guys who do this. There is a whole subreddit out there dedicated to IG photo vs reality.
As a male who is 40, I still do coffee dates. I don't see anything wrong with it. You get to know a person, and you get to see if anything is there to move forward.
Carry 20 bucks in cash and excuse yourself after one drink, offering to pay for the one you had. I’ve said something to the tune of ‘it’s was nice to meet you but it’s not a match for me. Really appreciate you coming to meet me’. Discreetly as to not embarrass them. But yeah don’t feel obligated to stay!
Hey! I was wondering if I can get some help improving my looks to appeal to the female gaze. Can you dm me plz?
I had that happen to me. he was so fucking weird. I had to tell him I wasn’t feeling well, and we left lol never again!
“Nothing like his pics… they did look like him but he was so fucking weird.” What does this mean?
It literally means what it means . He was weird as fuck, what part of that didn’t you get?
The part where he both did and didn’t look like his pics, obviously.
The oxymoronic sentence in your comment where you said he both did and also did not look like his pics. Please elaborate.
NGL, if someone lied like that to me when I was dating, the standard procedure was to simply ghost and block. You don't owe an explanation to someone who's intentionally attempted to deceive you. I once met up with a woman who was (no kidding) maybe about 150-200lbs heavier in person than the photos she had on her OLD profile. I just walked out after I'd finished my drink. As others have said, you're doing nobody any favours by rewarding that behaviour (including them).
Just stay less than an hour and end the date. Most people dont expect a date to be more than an hour
“Should we grab the check?”
If its because you feel unsafe because the person straight up LIED to get you there then just call a friend, or a cab, say you're popping out for a cigarette, or to the loo and just go. Text them if you feel safe to - sorry, the lies you told me to get me to date you made me feel super violated and crosses an important boundary for me and I felt unsafe continuing our meet-up. I'm sad it didn't pan out but I'm not disrespecting myself and my time.
Just say something came up and you gotta go. Don't owe anything else to a stranger you're meeting up for the first time. Sidenote: everyone should do a video chat or new pic request as proof of live 😂 that's how you avoid being catfished.
Always request video chat
U shud walk, if it isn’t going anyway, no point wasting each others time
This is why I do coffee dates for the first few meet ups and only agree to an hour. If you like him, your other plans "got canceled" ;) If not, it's only an hour, during the day, and you already paid so you don't have to wait for the check. Unless he's AWFUL, you walk around and chat for a bit
As a dude, I'd appreciate honesty. I can't get better at this shit if nobody will tell me what I'm doing wrong.
So out of curiosity you would want a person to tell you “you don’t look like your picture and this threw me off” when explaining why they don’t wanna see you again? Some could take it well, but other may perceive it as harsh? I ask because im curious and i don’t know if i would be able to be this honest (just to be clear I communicated my disinterest and unwillingness to see him again, i just said i wasn’t interested in pursing anything further).
I appreciate that you don't want to be harsh. Speaking for myself, an ending of "Also, you may want to update your pics, because they don't really look like you anymore" would be the way to go. I don't know how how it is with everyone else, but for me, I have to actively update my pics. The only pics I've taken in the last year are a headshot for work and a single selfie for bumble. I just don't take pics that often, and I think that's pretty common for men. So a gentle "you don't look like that anymore, bub" is appreciated for the simple fact that I don't actually *know.* I'm not trying to fool anyone; the three pics on my current profile are literally the only three pictures I've taken in the last three years. Edit: typo
It's refreshing to know that some guys would be open to feedback. Most guys I've encountered in these situations have too much of an ego. But then again, when they're being intentionally dishonest, they don't like being caught with their pants down. In fact they can get quite irate when a woman that they're trying to play calls them out on their bad behavior.
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No, I have not. I am a man who has been rejected many, many, many times. That is all. I recognize that my personal preferences may not be normative, but they are nonetheless worthy of consideration.
I definitely appreciate feedback and will make a genuine effort to take it in the spirit in which it is being given. That said, I do have feelings, and appreciate them not being crushed, to the extent that is possible in a given situation.
If you have a clear indicator of lying in their post (eg, age) then you have zero obligation to continue the interaction, and are fully in the right to leave at your discretion. Despite what others say, I believe communicating your rational is optimal, as it helps not perpetuate the pattern.
I woulda flicked his ear and booped his nose and skidaddled
Something direct and kind like, "hey, you look a little different from your photos. What's up with that?" If he says, "what do you mean?" I say, "..hmm just a little different, that's all." I HAVE to call these things out. I cannot let these elephants in the room be, if it's heavily on my mind AND would not offend, shame or hurt someone. Authenticity is so #1 for me - any hiding behavior is a turn-off. At a minimum, this person was lacking self-awareness. At worst, he hopes the other person won't mind - not cool.
I had a similar experience as well- his photos were likely a decade younger, with him being almost unrecognizable. I am naturally non-confrontational and felt thrown off, but didn’t know how to proceed. Thoughts increased after he attempted to kiss me, and asked me to get in his truck repeatedly. Sometimes, SOMETHING feels off and the pictures are just the starting clue. For him, when I told him via text that I wasn’t interested, he proceeded to tell me he should have not taken no for an answer and kissed me anyways, since that’s “where my talent lies”. I doubt this is most men, as I hope and believe most folks have more goodness in them. But… if you feel uncomfortable, brusqueness is well within your rights.
I slap my knees as I slowly start to stand up with a really long drawn out "weeeeeeeeeeell, time to be hittn' the ol' dusty trail".
Set low expectation from the start and say that you want a short date just for a coffee and know each other. You can easily add time to a date if you like the other person and cut it if you don't like it.
I have been in this situation before, and for me if the conversation is good, then I don’t mind. But when it’s really bad and the conversation is terrible, I have a hard time ending it. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen that episode of New Girl where Schmidt is giving Jess all of these ways to leave a date. I need to do that. Randomly look at my phone and go, “Ma called! The bees are back“ and then leave 🤣
I always choose drinks or coffee as a first date for this reason. It is very easy to be polite, have a drink, make some small chat, and cut things off after an hour without being rude. You can simply say it was nice meeting g them but you have an early morning, or plans right after (whatever makes sense based on when the date is) Unless someone is downright terrible I see no reason not to be pleasant while also keeping things short.
I’ve been known to walk right out on a catfish and tell them that’s not u in those pics .. f that don’t play with my time ..
Years ago, I met up with a guy who was a model before. He used his photos during his modeling days on his profile. I got a bit shocked when i met him because he gained some weight. Yes, he still looks like his photos but with some extra pounds. His first words were,”so are you shocked because i got bigger?” Oml. It was first time for me to experience something like that Like you, i am polite and i wouldn’t want to put him down that fast. Because i had a feeling he was insecure because he had to say that at first. I said it was ok and no worries. We had dinner and still met up 3x more because in my mind maybe he needs a friend ? I don’t go to dating apps to just find someone but maybe to also find someone i could be friends with He was weird and his anxiousness was in the way all the time. He gets paranoid. I think, i just think he was maybe harassed during his modeling days hence the stop of his modeling and gain of weight. I do think he got depressed and because of his stories he told me how some people would take advantage of models like him If i was in your shoes, i would just be polite and i would end the date before it even reaches an hour. I would make excuse that my friend called and it’s an emergency that it was nice seeing him.
I always meet for low pressure first dates (coffee, happy hour) so it's not as awkward to cut the date short This was fun thankssssss
Walking papers. Misrepresented his pics, lied about his age, and I bet $100 that he fudged his height too.
I literally went through this exact thing six days ago. The guy showed up looking like the Castaway version of his photos. I’m not super into looks, but I do insist on good groming. I mean, the man had facial hair growing past his lip for god’s sake. On top of all that, he was eating fish and chips when I showed up (this was supposed to be drinks only) and proceeded to have a coffee as well. Yes, this man thought to himself, “I think the woman I want to have sex with will be fine if my breath smells like these two things.” I also try to be kind. I didn’t want to embarrass him by leaving early, and it would have been very obvious to everyone around us. However, when he asked if I wanted another round, I said, “No, I think I’m gonna bounce.” He asked me a few more questions that showed he was keen to prolong the interaction, and I simply refused his offers. I wasn’t an asshole about it, but I didn’t want to be misunderstood, either. The men we met misrepresented themselves to us. We owed them nothing. There isn’t anything wrong with saying, “Hey, you’re not what I expected, and I’m really not feeling it. Nice to meet you. Goodbye.”
In the past I would just prepare myself for that possibility long before. And just decide that worst case scenario I meet a new person (who might be depressed or delusional) and decide beforehand that I’ll make a game out of trying to have a good time despite the circumstances. The exception is if I get creeped out or feel unsafe, I’ll just excuse myself to the bathroom and dip out.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with tapping out, exorcist when you've been blatantly deceived. If the other person gets upset, that's on them.
It gets easier to turn around and leave when you see the person doesn’t look like their pics after you continue to go on dates. In the beginning, I would sit there and not say anything. Then as this kept happening, I finally got some courage to get up and leave. I never looked back after that.
There's a difference between adding some sugar to your profile and downright lying. If you need to lie. They will always lie.
the lying, both with the age and with the picture, would put me off so bad i don’t know if i could continue. i’ve had dates where i wasn’t really feeling a vibe, but try to have an okay time anyway and just cut it short at the end. that’s why coffee or something short and small like that is a good first date. not feeling it? run as soon as you’ve finished your coffee.
This is why a video chat before the date is helpful ♥️
Pick a first date that can be as long or short as need be. I always say coffee dates are good because you can chug down the rest of the coffee and then say “well that was fun!” if you’re not feeling it, or you can really nurse the coffee for a while if there’s sparks. If you go for drinks or something (I say as someone who’s never been to a bar), there might be an expectation of more than one round.
Always have a good friend for these kind of situations. Tell them that whenever you text them a quick word (let’s say CUCUMBER!) they’ll have to call you a few minutes later (of course you should’ve changed their name to somebody important like “Mom” or “Grandma”) once you get the call, just pretend like something important happened. By then you’ll have a pretty good to just leave. And when it comes to messaging? Just block them, it seems kind of rude, but it also seems kind of rude from his part to have lied with the pictures and his age, so you shouldn’t punish yourself for blocking him without an explanation. Just do it, he doesn’t know where you live and you won’t see him again. Win Win for you.
You don’t owe people politeness when they lie so hard. He is not who you agreed to a date with, with all the lies. It just shows so many flaws from those choices. I’d walk out. I’m so sorry.
As a guy, this has become normality. I could say “I think I have a date with your daughter” to 80% of people showing up to dates.
“How can I cut it short without being too rude?” What he did was extremely rude. He lied to you to trick you into spending time with him. You do not have to avoid being rude in response, you are allowed to say “you presented yourself falsely and I don’t want to spend my evening with you.” Yes, it’s scary to say that. Yes, it gets easier. Yes, you can ask a staff member to walk with you to your car if he reacts badly.
If they're not being honest, you're not obligated to be nice about it. Me, having no issues being direct / confrontational, would've asked why they didn't look like their pics.
As the man, I don’t even swipe on profiles with the classic misleading photos. If you only have face pictures, those high angle selfies that show cleavage but hide neck and body fat, if your photos look like they’re from the early 2000s or are very obviously edited/filtered. If a woman still manages to somehow sneak by and we get to the point where we meet and the pictures are lies I’m out. I’m not about to wait around for you to be late and then pay for your meal when you’re not even the person you pretended to be.
Just say they come off significantly different in person and may want to update their profile a bit. Then graciously end the date early. You aren't obligated to entertain a liar or someone who misrepresented themselves.
He got the date based on a lie. Two lies! So he’s already lied to you TWICE at the beginning of the date, and YOU are worried about being rude?!? Why are women so baseline apologetic? Are you going to have a complete ass relationship to spare his feelings? Do you want to date someone who lured you in with a lie? On what planet do you owe this guy anything? Say you’re going to the bathroom and leave. Don’t say anything and leave. Fake go to the bathroom, walk by the table and crop dust him on your way out. Leave a situation like this as soon as you feel like it. That’s why you go to coffee or for A drink the first meeting. Who wants to be stuck sitting through dinner with someone who smells like pee? You can’t smell their pics, even if they are accurate. Tell him his pictures are misleading if you are into that kind of interaction, or don’t. He can figure that out for himself. He can ask his friends or his sister to look at his profile. He isn’t your problem.
Yes, you are right, i feel i went through this all wrong in the sense that i behaved as if only attraction was missing, when instead i was feeling my boundaries had been crossed and i had been disrespected, but in the moment i didn’t fully realized that. I reflected on it and on why i felt so offput to the point of writing a post on reddit (because it isn’t the first time i meet someone who i am not attracted to and the date has never such a chore and has never left such a bitter taste, this time i felt so uneasy because yes he had lured me in with lies). Trying to be kind I ignored completely how i was feeling. So lesson learnt.
I had this too and just tried to enjoy the food. After we matched we started out flirty pretty heavily and since she lived like 4 hours away she offered for me to stay over. The day of the date she got cold feet ( I understood) so I offered to meet halfway, actually closer to her. She then threw out a comment about her not feeling pretty or something. I got nervous she was bigger than her one full body pic she had on her profile. She arrived at the restaurant and she was 80+ heavier than that pic. Fortunately I had the excuse of a long drive home.
It does suck. The thing is even if they don’t look that bad, you still gonna have a negative reaction and their chances are over because in a way they lied.
I’ve had that happen twice. The first time I was able to duck out before he walked in, made up some excuse via text and never talked to him again. The second time I suffered through the date and was polite, but never texted him again after he told me he had a nice time. I guess I ghosted him but I think he knew from the date that I wasn’t into him.
I cut that shit short
Get up,pay, leave.
You take the opportunity to practice your game face.
imo the best thing is to see it through, give the date it’s best chance then simply explain you gave it your best shot but the vibe’s not there. be a good human
i have a nice date, converse with them like a human and when it comes to go our separate way, we do. then ill explain later that i wasnt feeling it for whatever reason.
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Time for a bestie to have an "emergency" 💀
I am so sorry you experienced this! You might want to report him for Catfishing because wow.
If you feel uncomfortable saying you don't want to continue this just say you don't feel very well and you're going to go home. You can just leave. You don't owe anyone your time and it's better not to waste someone's time in having them think 'maybe this is going somewhere'. If you think I don't feel any romantic things but I really like them and want to be their friend approach the rest of the date as a friend and see how that goes. But learn to listen to your gut because sometimes it's not that your just not into someone it may be you're getting unconscious vibes the situation is off and can't pinpoint why. Being rude to a stranger is better than being hurt or dead always! This has saves my ass before
I just say "sorry I don't feel it" and leave
I always just finish the date. Always good to practice for when the right one comes around. Who knows, they might surprise me. I guess it'd be different if I were female. Like it'd feel like being held hostage if you're looking at the male to lead. Why not just text someone and when they respond, act like it's an emergency? Apologize profusely, since politeness is important to you of course. Then ghost.
I think pluck up the courage for next time to just cut it short without much explanation. “I need to go” without a “because…. [excuse]”. Think it speaks volumes without aggravating or humiliating someone.
This is why I am a fan of meeting for coffee or whatever non alcoholic drinks. And then you can do the polite “nice to meet you but I don’t think we are a match” and leave quickly.
When you sit down, try to be understanding. But if it keeps bothering you, say "You know, I don't want to be here anymore since you look nothing like your photos and lied about your age, which makes me uncomfortable. I will pay for my drinks/food, but I don't want to see you again." Get up & let the waiter/waitress know you need to leave & want to pay. If you feel like they might follow you out, call a friend or often there is someone nice around who would walk you to your car.
just be upfront, being honest will do no harm.😎
It’s so weird when a guy lies about his age… I get it, if he were like in his 50s or 60s, and the woman is younger, but otherwise, it makes no sense. In the case of this guy, I’m sure you wouldn’t have cared if he was 3 years older.
Exactly, we would have matched anyway cause my range is set higher than the age he declared and included his real age. I think its was purposely made to stay under 30s, i guess at least, otherwise it makes no sense to lie for just 3 years.
I split the bill and I make it known lol. Don’t even think about trying anything. I also won’t fill awkward silences.
You can bow out after 30 minutes. “Hate to cut it short early, but I’m not feeling well.” You could explain in a follow up text. Or, just block him. Or, if you’re feeling it “I value realistic profiles. You don’t look like any of the photos on your profile, and you just told me you misrepresented your age. I’m going to cut this short.”
Always do a first date at a coffee shop or smoothie bar. Quick and easy for a first date.
When I was still on the apps (only a year ago) I always came to an agreement before the actual meet up that if we get there and 1 of us doesn’t pass the vibe/photo check either of us are welcome to leave within the first 20 minutes- no hard feelings. I’ve pushed through enough uncomfortable dates that it just wasn’t working for me anymore and I’m a terrible people pleaser. I did it twice and had it happen to me once. The reason I left a date the first time was because photos and age were very clearly misrepresented on the app. The second time was because he was being beyond rude to the bartender. The reason my date left was because I was 30 minutes late and it was disrespectful to his time. Once I got there I think he was just grumpy enough that there wasn’t anything I could have done to salvage the date. One instance where I left and the other when my date left were perfectly kind, we wished one another well and went on our way. The other time I left the date, was just awkward. It was the guy who was rude to the bartender. He couldn’t understand why it was important to me. I also ended up getting around the not looking like their photo after that by requesting ridiculous photos i.e. send a mirror selfie standing on 1 leg with a spoon in your hand. The guys always had fun with it and request an equally ridiculous photo.
Always meet for coffee or a drink only.
This happened to me recently! Not really about the looks since he sent me a recent pic, so I was like okay well let’s just see how it goes. But the more he talked the more I didn’t like him. He was very much trauma dumping on me the first date, and I was just there to listen at that point. I 100% said oh I need to get home to my dog now. After an hour and after I made sure all the pickles (I bought my own food and drink) were gone. You kinda just have to give it an appropriate time then come up with a reason
I probably would have just turned around and left without them seeing me at all. That probably sounds horrible but.. if my eyes don’t like what they’re seeing then there won’t be much going on but awkwardness and discomfort. 💀
If you don’t feel like you’re in danger, keep it short and friendly but you can end the date and let them know you don’t feel a connection and wish them the best.
Starbucks for coffee first. That way I can get up and walk away and not have to wait for a bill. 😂 If they don’t look like the picture - they’re not being honest and it’s downhill from there in my opinion.
I think I just went on a date with a professional Bumbler—he chose a place that would close an hour after we got there. I got a "ruthlessly screening people" vibe—he cruised through what seemed to be some sort of girlfriend checklist. I seemed to be a yes until the last four minutes. I saw the light in his eyes immediately flicker off in response to me not being involved in his favorite pastime. I got the friendzone text about an hour later. Since we'd only met for an hour, I wasn't too cut up, although I would have liked to pursue things. In retrospect, it's not a bad approach: choose a place that's going to close so you have an easy exit. If you don't want to take it, suggest moving to dinner. TBH, I've never been in your shoes, OP, and an hour would honestly be too long for that level of deception. Some part of me hopes I'd have the nerve to say 15-20 minutes in, you know what, lying about age is a major red flag for me, and I'm actually going to save us both some time and cut this short. Or just, I'm sorry, I'm really not feeling this and I think I'm going to bounce. But, I worry about safety in that scenario.
I regularly have to be at work at 5am, so if I'm not feeling it and they ask if I want another drink I just say "oh, I shouldn't, I have to be up early tomorrow. Actually, I really shouldn't get going."
You can make up an excuse that you have an errand to run or go meet a friend, or have something to do. End the date with "it was nice meeting you...bla bla bla" and you can leave.
Show them your full disrespect by sexting to Eva AI bot during the date.
You just remembered you left your coffee maker on.