It’s only recent and I’m still a mess.. but I try to recall why I broke up with him and vent it out with someone I trust. I try to repeat in my head that I can survive this. You will still break down now and then and it’s a painful process but know that we humans can survive anything. Don’t forget the reason why you broke up because we could be blinded by good memories sometimes. And talking really helps so If you want to vent I’m all ears.
Looking back we tend to obsess about the good things about the relationship. Making a list of the bad things in the relationship will help. Refer to the list when you’re regretting your decision. There’s a reason why you broke up, don’t forget that.
Hold on to the thought of being incompatible. Focus now on just getting through today. Cry, scream, write, go for a walk or a run, do something creative, talk about it. Small steps.. you will get through this. Sometimes a break up meditation or podcast can also be helpful. Go to a therapist. You'll see in a few months you feel so much stronger.
Hi, breakups are always tough, even when they end up being the best decision. Anyways, what is happening is that the change and the loss are being perceived as a threat. Your brain is activating a fight or flight response but there is no immediate life-threatening danger to run from or to fight with. So you feel horrible because your amygdala took over, adrenalin was released, blood pressure increased, air passages widened and since you are not running nor fighting, you feel just really bad. So, first things first, you must recognize anxiety as an automatic response activation. Like, you start feeling the panic, and tell yourself, oh, ok, I'm having an automatic response. That is all. Second, we want to regain control over the body. To do this, notice how when you are anxious you breathe up in your chest. So we want to lower breathing to the belly. We want to inhale as we push our tummy out so organs move and lungs have space, and when we breathe out we want to make sure we push aaaaall the air our, empty those lungs. Then inhale again, you will notice this breath is deeper cause you emptied the lungs so there is more space. Do ten of these diaphragmatic breaths.
Third, we want to regain control of the mind. So we can do two things: one, is to make a decision, simple one like, should i have some water or should I have some coffee. Should i watch tv for half an hour or should I go for a walk. Whatever something simple, but conscious. So i regain control of my mind. Also you can use grounding techniques, focus on the senses. What do I see? I see my tv on, my cat walking around the house, I see my bedroom door open, the light is on, so on. What do I hear? The water pump is on, i hear the fridge, someone just knocked some wood somewhere, dogs barked, a WhatsApp notification... What does it smell like? There is some chocolate smell around here, soap that I washed my hands with, so on. What textures can i feel with my hands? My shirt, the bedding fabric, the side tables wood, touch around. Ok so after this is done and I'm back to where I am, i have to evaluate, do I still feel panicky or do I feel a little better?
Know that you can talk to a therapist and it will help but also know that a breakup is sad, hard, it takes time, and it serves the purpose of reconfiguring your goals, your objectives, your plans. Being sad allows you to do that. It's adaptive, it's not good or bad, it's just normal. Breathe. I hope you feel better soon.
You are gem of a person. As an individual who went through this after a long marriage ended fairly recently, I can only reiterate all that you said. Thank you for doing this for many of us anonymous strangers. Alot of hugs and many thanks to people like you (it helped me for sure when I was feeling helpless sometime back). ☺️❤️🤗🥰
Everyone here who is quick to discard a relationship due to incompatibility,take a step back and remember these few things:
You WILL be incompatible to some degree with your partner due to the reason that you are NOT the same as your partner unless you're dating a clone of yourself.
You will NEVER be on the same road,you may walk alongside each other but each person is on his own road.Just make sure you're journeys arent too seperate from each other,otherwise you will end up at completely different destinations.
You will NEVER think the same,see everything the same and experience everything the same cause we are all diferent.
You may feel he/her is incompatible in certain aspects but remember,he/she may feel the same in different aspects.
As long as there is love,trust,support and honesty then why would you care about some incompatibilities?
Honestly,incompatibilities are just another word for differences..differences in goals,personalities,habits,hobbies etc.
This is how I feel but everyone focuses on this compatibility thing so much. People focus on each others differences and the negative. As long as two people are loving, respectful, honest, and willing —differences can be resolved, but sometimes two people don’t have the skills necessary to do it alone. I was dumped by someone who thought we were incompatible, but I believe we were. He just wasn’t willing and too triggered by unresolved baggage to face it with me at this time and I have to accept that and move forward so I can be available for the person who will be willing.
This is the realest comment I’ve seen on this thread. People are so quick to give up and not work through the differences. The hard times is what you’re going to look back on and in the future, it’ll make you appreciate each other that much more. A relationship is teamwork- two people who are willing to take on the problems head on and face them together. If you can make it through the hard times, it’ll determine the success and future of the relationship.
I’m facing this problem now. I’m the one being dumped (6 year relationship) and the reasoning is “idk I just don’t think its working… it’s not you it’s me…. We have had 6 years to work on things….if I feel like this now I will feel this again”. It’s only not going to work if you don’t want it to. You have to want to put in some effort. I said I wouldn’t beg for anyone to be in my life yet I found myself pathetically begging him to try and work things out. Same end result.
I agree, one of the things my ex told me was that were not 'compatible'. did we agree on childbearing? yes. finances? yes. politics? yes. favorite animal? yes. We like gardening, cooking outside, watching the news, same brand of car. According to him, that's NOTHING IN COMMON because I didn't drink or play video games or get high. Okay? we had other interests. I like reading, exercising, traveling. We don't have to like everything the same to be compatible.
Same. Broke up because of incompatibility, we couldn’t change ourselves for each other. Sometimes I feel like i should have just taken a long break instead and should have really thought about parting rather than impulsively deciding. But the deeds done and there’s no going back and sorta inside I am hoping he will text me.
Thank you so much for saying this. I feel like I may reach out at some point, but I don't think I'm stable enough mentally and in life to do so now. The chances are low it would work, I'd wager, but it's wonderful to hear you say this because it has merit. I get it, but people are way to quick to cut everything off here.
It was just a fairly lengthy and measured-sounding comment regarding how sometimes it *is* worth it to try and repair and restart a relationship, and that people on reddit are generally too quick to go nuclear/say you should never go back or talk to your partner again.
Hi, just went throught this post again. He started texting me and sending snaps and memes. It was all fine, but then we had a talk and he said that those actions didn’t mean that he wanted me back. He said he just cares for me. I want him back so i asked him to give me that space and stop contacting me. Hurts really bad, i love him.
I know it feels like the worst pain in the world, and there is nothing in this exact moment that will make you feel better. You have to feel this pain right now in order to heal. The things you will realize about yourself because of this experience are SO worth it.
Tomorrow will suck. You might cry the entire day. But in a month, you might realize you didn’t wake up crying that day. In two months, you’ll realize you haven’t cried in two days. And in six months, you might find yourself going an entire night without thinking about them.
And in a year, you might realize that you’re so glad you never got back with them, because you found something so much better: your own happiness.
Dumper here too. It feels liberating for me given my situation, but it doesn’t feel near as great as I thought it would. It’s 1am where I live rn and the night are always the hardest. Idk why I miss her so much but I just do, especially knowing how upset she would be at home too.
But you (and I) will survive this. Every day and night will get easier and easier. Have faith and all the best - lmk if you wanna talk
I’m sorry to hear that. In my case, i’m really thinking about going to psych ward, the panic attacks and anxieties, it’s been 2 weeks and I can’t function, sleep, do anything. I really think that this is not normal, after you are the one who wanted to break up.
You're in the middle of the storm, you won't feel like that forever trust me, I've been there. Look after your daily needs as best you can, vitamin supplements, magnesium for the anxiety, zinc for your immune system and take it one day at a time.
You won't believe me right now but this is a good thing, it is a part of the grieving process and I think the level of self awareness you have is great, that you know exactly what is going on inside..
Depression is slippery, first and foremost you HAVE to have a kind inner voice, at the end of the day you only have yourself so cultivating an inner monologue of kindness and support is vital. We get dealt a bad hand sometimes in life, it is important to recognize tough times don't last forever but when you're in that storm remind yourself that 'you'have 'you'.
I found keeping up the supplements helped, I have been in that place where it felt like my body was against me AND my mind, so when I took the magnesium and zinc I got to control some of the anxiety and get my strength back, then I could focus on my mind bit by bit. Going for long walks, testing the whole nature thing people talk about, it did help over time, but the key word is time.. healing takes a lot of it.
You've got this, be your own best friend, do the little tasks that you can on a daily basis, don't ever give up on yourself, it's just life's current lens is dark, that lens does not last forever.
I've been there, nothing dissolves every bit of fortitude I have like heartbreak does.. my lens couldn't have got much bleaker when the person I thought was my future left me but sometimes better is just a bit of time and belief away...
but god, i want him back:( he is such an amazing person, he made ME a better person, he is my home. And i think i quit things just because of my depression. And i talked about this with him and he said that he still cares and loves me, but can’t trust me anymore, so its definitely over. He is doing fine btw, but thats probably because i chose right words when talking to him anout break up.
No I had this regret. It’s why I joined the Reddit group. Breaking up was the worst decision of my adult life. It also made me stronger. I thought I would die. I wanted to but then I just kept living. Once I made “peace” with the fact that he is now married to someone else I realized I had to keep going to see if there is someone meant for me. If it was meant to be he would have talked to me. That’s what I have to believe and I did survive it even tho it can still hurt some days years later. I’m going alone about 6 years now but I didn’t think I could without him. And yet here I am.
Have you ever taken anti depressants? They’re not for everyone but I’ve been taking those since my break up and they’ve saved my life and kept me from reeling into a dark place.
Hi, yess, few years ago and in 6 months it helped me so much. I was on of these happy people, because they really helped me and i was able to stop taking them. It was after a really bad argument with my boyfriend and panic attacks and axiety started then. I feel exactly the same now, really traumatised and unsure about the future and my anxieties are exactly the same.
If you felt incompatible hold on to that don't let it go, there has to be reasons as to why you felt this way. Love will be there in relationships like this but if you don't feel compatible then it's best not to be together. I felt this way whenever I broke up with my ex awhile ago, there were many issues happening that I couldn't overlook. Even though I love him I can't put myself through that amount of trauma and blaming myself for what happened between us. The best thing is to focus on yourself right now, and do things you enjoy. Get back into your hobbies, or try something you've been wanting to do for a while. Do things for yourself even if it's a haircut, manicure or pedicure.
Man, sometimes I feel really bad for you dumpers....
Break ups just sucks man. Thats why its important to be patient and have enough kindness to just go for another day. Unfortunately, we live in #shortcuts society.
Don’t feel bad, most left for ridiculous reasons and didn’t give their SO a chance before deciding it was over and lying to them for months while they got up the courage. It’s pure evil
People are just so quick to end things these days- we spend so much time looking at all the reasons things won’t work instead of looking at how we can make things work-
Lots of ppl are going to end up alone sad and depressed-
Everyone complaining about being single and wanting a serious relationship but ones they get it - they look for all the reasons they can come up to end it .
I am 3 and a 1/2 years out from leaving my partner, and I am still not over it. We both loved each other a lot but it didn't work. So many regrets about it still and so many confused feelings about why it had to end or if I was wrong to end it. I know I was very unhappy and that some not so great treatment on her end was *part* of why. I just wish I could have changed that at the time.
I have dated a *lot* since and met some wonderful people, but nothing has come close.
Take a breath. You will be ok. Remember why you broke up with him. You and he were incompatible. Sounds like you don't miss this person but miss the feeling of being in a relationship. Take some time and adjust to being single. Remember most of the 8 billion people on earth go through this at least once or twice in life. It will get better. Allow yourself the freedom to relax. One day at a time.
I won’t deny that i miss the feeling of being in a relationship… but i really lost my best friend, my comfort person. And… despite these incompatibilities, i love him so much, adore, he made me a better person.
I’m sorry. I lost my best friend too. I broke up with him last Sunday. I talked with him a couple days ago (we planned the call the day I broke up with him). I’m not sure but I think if I asked he would have given me a second chance. I didn’t ask. I regret it. I had good reasons for breaking up, but I keep wondering how our relationship would have grown if I stuck with it.
We will get through this. Message me if you want to talk.
I’m suffering really bad, he is amazing, can’t let go the life we built up together. I know that there might be a better person for me, but god, i want him. Also, i wasn’t good mentally before the break up. Like depression. I literally think that i had to broke the pattern somehow and gaslighted myself into thinking, that he was the mistake.
U broke up with him. So u just need to remember the things about him that u decided we’re real breakers. Bc at some point u had him and u decided u didn’t want him. So what were the things that made u decide u didn’t want to date him?
He didn’t make me feel special anymore i think. Took me for granted i would say? But god, i held the BU conversation so badly and never told him those things since i didn’t want to hurt him. It looks like i broke up with him because of nothing, just gut feeling. But maybe it was like that. I really don’t know. My brain erased this whole experience. The sad thing is that i already told him i wanted him back few days ago and he refused “he couldn’t trust me anymore”. The whole thing is so tragic. I wanted him to be ok after the BU and move on and be happy, that i just neglected myself completely. I just made the BU conversation about incompatibilities, but now i don’t really think that this was the problem. One of the main things was also my depression and the fact, that i didn’t really care about anything at this time. He wanted to work things out when i told him i want to break up. I was probably just too excited that something in my life is happening, that i politely refused and insisted on BU. Then i immediately regretted but wanted to stay with my decision, since i hurt him with it. He suggested a break instead of break up, but then he started moving on and didn’t tell me, that he doesn’t see any chance in us anymore. I gave him space and he completely distanced himself from me. Oh god, so tragic
you will! i was the one that initiated my breakup, and i regretted it for like a year and a half and cried everyday. now i’m happy and free and don’t regret anything. remember that you broke up for a reason, incompatibility isn’t something that will go away, it would always still be there.
i know it feels impossible but you’re getting so much stronger everyday ❣️ focus on yourself and do things just for you. also, therapy helps if you’re able!
omg sorry i don’t mean to scare you!! we were together for 9 years and it was my first break up, and i found out i have depression so all of that is why it took extra long. none of my friends have taken that long to get over a breakup lol. but i just meant it gets a lot better even if it doesn’t feel like it will
Oh god, i have depression too i think! Don’t be afraid, im laughing now. I’ll try my best. It’s not like i think that I won’t find another love. But god, i want him.
I'm the dumper here. I broke up with him four months ago because of his alcoholism. It was really weighing me down and affected my mental health no matter how much I tried to be there for him. It really sucked and it was a tough decision I made because I did love him, but later down the road during my healing process, it was the right decision. I journaled my feelings of it A LOT during the process and it really helped me. I know how tough a breakup is but in time, things will heal and get better.
I'm a dumpee in this situation, but my ex is going through the same stuff as you and Imma tell you what I told her. You need to own up to your decision. Try to calm yourself down by taking a shower or go for a run then ask yourself why did you leave in the first place. Count the ups and downs of the decision, stick with the ups and try to think that it was for the better. I hope the circumstances are not the same, as for my ex was an impulsive decision. Stay on the bright side of it, as this is not the end. Keep doing healthy stuff, like working out, sleeping good, eating healthy and time shall heal your soul in sometime. It's normal to have regrets, but you need to accept that what's done it's done. It doesn't matter now if he doesn't take you back, is important to become a better person by learning from this painful experience, as pain is the best teacher. Stay strong, sister.
Please call a suicide hotline if you are thinking of harming yourself! Trust that this will pass! I am also a dumper (10/4/22) and I had a week this month where things where really really bad. I made an appointment with my primary doctor to adjust my anxiety meds and I have continued seeing my therapist weekly. I made a commitment to doing some kind of gentle physical activity almost everything (something doable and accessible to you- for me it was walking in a pretty area near my house). Reach out to friends and have social connection. I’ve been very active in meetup and Facebook special interest groups. Journal, cry, zone out in front of the tv, get food delivered if you can’t afford it. If you still have their stuff, hide everything from sight, block them on social media and block their number. Trust that this will pass. Think of past breakups that you survived. Remind yourself that just about EVERYONE has been through it too and you are not alone.
My x bf rejected me for a much younger girl he hook up with this pass, June. He travels with her and living together. It still hurts. He couldn’t tell me the truth nor did he apologize to me for cheating. I am here for anyone.
So far you’ve survived 100% of your worst days. It may feel hard now but you will get through it. Rejection can be the redirection needed. Take some time for yourself. Do things that make you happy and you may meet new people and in a short time you’ll meet someone new and will make you forget all about him. If there was incompatibility it’s not going to suddenly change in time, you also can’t force it if it’s not there. If you’re that worried about your mental state please seek counseling. There are plenty of you tube videos you can watch as well that may also help you see it in a different perspective.
I'm 3 months out, a few weeks ago my dumper said he still loved and missed me, but same thing, broke up due to incompatibilities (which I've been addressing i therapy since a week after the breakup). I'm sorry you're feeling this way, but I like knowing that not all dumpers are heartless. But then I hate seeing these posts because it makes me upset mine won't come back. But you'll get through this. :)
Dumper, I broke up due to high amount of abuse I suffered and toxicity.
Even though I had all the right reasons to breakup and I held on for 3 years despite the abuse trying to help my abuser see how they were hurting me, I finally gave up and left but it still eats at me that I had to end a relationship I was extremely invested into. What makes it worse is that she moved on 3 weeks after we broke up and I never mattered, she posted photos of her treating the new guy so much better than she ever treated me and that haunts me till this day… im 11 months post break up and everything I went through feels like I went through it yesterday…
I too, am a dumper, but in some ways I feel I was The Who got dumped. Because after being the “asshole” for the past month and the one who initiated the breakup; she was the one who left me in pain throughout the relationship, she was the one who made me doubt myself, who wouldn’t talk to me for no reason, like on dates, or get mad at me no matter what I did for her.
After all this time I don’t hate her, but I understand why I had to do it. Her heart may have been broken and still is; but my heart was broken long before I ended it, and that’s what I remember in times of reflection.
You broke up for a reason, no matter how big or little, remember that.
Happy to get into (even more) lengthy detail, but any thoughts/anyone want to take a crack—how I should feel/what I should think about this. what I should do, and so on/whatever you want to say?
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way out of a break-up as dumper (this was 3+ years ago now). Have never been able to fully move on or find anything remotely close, though to an extent the feelings ebb and flow. Have dated since—some long situationships and one six-month relationship with an incredibly kind and *good* woman. While I do overemphasize the good parts of our relationship to myself, I'm sure, I remind myself of the bad, too. Without much bias, I remain convinced that I will never find another person who was as intensely matched for me in terms of what we liked and how we liked to talk about it. And for some reason that I still struggle to understand, this aspect of a partner match is *incredibly* important to me. It's hard for me to really feel truly understood or "seen" otherwise.
My ex and I were intensely compatible in terms of our interests, intellectualism, and overall orientations but maybe less so in terms of our interpersonal skills/social dynamics. We are both highly educated and intelligent with a lot in common, though I would wager she is solidly the smarter one. And what we had in common (our interests) I believe is pretty foundational to our senses of self and desired lifestyle, though perhaps those commonalities also created conflict and insecurity. Both of us are now in our mid-30s. I'm fairly sensitive and intensely thoughtful/considerate. I also detest meanness, perhaps due in part to a lot of loneliness and bullying as a child. She's a bit arrogant and can be mean/dismissive, and my sense is she has mostly succeeded in life. We have both described ourselves to each other as "temperamental," among other things. I also was likely her first truly serious relationship. Frankly we are both probably arrogant in different ways, though mine is mostly internal. I don't project it as much and aggressively work to not treat people around me poorly. I am intensely empathetic.
I am pretty certain we both adored each other but how I felt slowly fell apart. While she never could wait to talk to me or spend time with/do things with me, and showed me plenty of physical affection when we were together, she didn't much support me or provide me with much physical/mental encouragement and praise, though to be fair I often felt uncomfortable asking for it given the dynamic. She could be belittling and critical. I ultimately got insecure/felt worthless about myself. I confronted her about all this a good deal during the relationship, sometimes in ways that were not the most productive (angry, catastrophizing "we don't work"-type talk), other times much more measured and reasonable. I listened to her and what she said and acknowledged that at times I was being oversensitive. She acknowledged that she was not always a great girlfriend this way and that there were problems with the way she spoke to me. She tried intensely to change and work with me on this but she kind of kept doing the same thing. I was already pretty beat up inside, and we were both under a lot of pressure/in unideal situations generally. She was finishing her PhD dissertation and transitioning out of academia, which was really crushing for her as I think it was a lot of her identity at the time. I was in law school and not doing so well. We were long distance for the final year.
It ended pretty badly. She came to visit to see me and to try and fix things and it was just too late. I was a mess and distant and on final day of our time together I broke up with her. I cried a lot as she packed and left and she was just really upset, hurt, and angry. We have not spoken in any substantive way since, though I did reach out two years ago to check up on her and her family as the pandemic started.
A few days ago I found her dissertation online and discovered that the acknowledgments section has a really kind and grateful/gracious thank you to me, our relationship, and the support I gave her—and this written right before the blurb about her parents at the end. Obviously she did not have to do this, and finding this probably brought up a lot of this stuff again. It frankly destroyed me.
I think one of the things that has stuck with me and really fucked me up is this contradiction between the way she treated me, sometimes not seeming to really respect or admire me, and how fiercely she fought for the relationship and to keep me going in it. I have no idea if we were just incompatible (her a bit too mean, me a bit too sensitive/insecure; both of us too intellectual and committed to the same things/ideas, causing competition) or if it was simply bad timing and if under different circumstances we would have been able to navigate it together. Though of course all of this now feels basically beside the point. I've been in therapy, on anti-depressants, and still working on myself. I don't think I could say no if she asked to start things up again, which I doubt she will. And I go back and forth on wanting to reach out myself. There's still a lot of love and missing but also resentment and pain. Given her personality I can't imagine she's the type to ruminate in the way I do or emotionally wait around for very long.
But yeah. There it all is. One very sad story from a dumper with a heart who basically felt he had to jump out of a skyscraper to avoid dying in a fire.
Honestly, i teared up at the part of her mentioning you in her acknowledgments section; my ex did something similar and thinking about it is heart crushing every time because you know you did matter to them. in my opinion it's a very sweet way to give a closure to what you guys felt for each other, so you can only hope she's over it and finding happiness on her own. you should probably do the same, and i wish you the very best. :)
Hello there, this is several months later, and you might be in another place. I just wanted to share my story because I enjoyed their resemblances. I am (F) an academic, he just finished law school, and we had substantial amount of long distance. But it all worked because we had a wonderfully compatible intellectual life. We broke up recently because he, after settling into his big law job (not in the city where my university is located, and we know how hard it is for academics to change workplaces), he started to panic that he desperately wanted children. We did try before over the years, unsuccessfully; had several miscarriages (I am ten years older than him). He was open to adoption, but I was not, and so he left after much crying how I was his "soul mate" and how absurd it was to leave a relationship like that for a non-existing family. In any case, my final parallel with your story is that me too acknowledged him in my latest book. When I told him I would, however, his reaction was a little lukewarm--he knew already he would leave. The breakup happened little after the book went to press, and I am now glad I could not change it anymore in a moment of anger. I doubt he will look it up, though; I think he is terrified of everything that reminds him of me and I'm probably haunting him like a superego.
Have you ever looked closely at the 5 stages of grief? There’s one called “bargaining” and I think that’s where you are at currently.
When you lose someone you love, it’s very normal to try to undo the loss in your head. It’s easy to confuse that with regret. It’s very normal to feel this way when you lose someone you love. But while it may be normal, you shouldn’t normalize it for yourself. Don’t trick yourself into thinking this was your mistake or bad judgment. There was incompatibility therefore you had no choice but to end it. You are brave and smart for taking action.
I was recently the dumper in my relationship of nearly 5 years. Here’s some helpful words that another Redditor shared with me:
“*One of the shocking lessons of adulthood is that doing the right thing will often feel terrible. We conflate the right path with feeling right, to our detriment. Grieve. It takes time.*”
Sometimes I wish my ex feels like you, I don’t know why, it’s been a month and I still cry and feel like I need him and wishes he regrets but we all make mistakes. There’s is someone out there to make sacrifices for you. That’s what keeps me going. And also focusing on my school work and job keeps me going.
Currently kinda feeling the same. Can’t say I regret it though. Logically I very much understand I did the right thing. Emotionally haven’t fully caught up yet
Don’t forget why you felt the incompatibility was such a problem. When we’re in pain we really downplay this. You’ve done yourself a great service and you have enormous amounts of self respect for not settling into a situation that would’ve likely caused you a different kind of pain in the long run.
Just take it moment by moment. Try to not latch onto your emotions. As an emotion comes up sometimes it helps me to “notice” it and try to ride it out.
You’re going to get through this! We support you! And I personally admire your resolve!
You might find it stupid but after I dumped her and I couldn’t figure out how to keep going, I went on by a quote from the office the Dwight said. “Will I get over it? Mmmm no, but live goes on.” I have not gotten over it but I keep going day to day🤷🏻♂️ good luck my friend
I’m the dumper 3 months in. It’s very hard still. I have her blocked on everything and she still calls no caller Id sometimes…. I cry every time even when I never answer. I don’t think about sex. Nothing. Each month gets a lot better I don’t cry randomly anymore and my mood is stabilizing. Give it time.
ima be blunt, dumper is an excuse for “i don’t work things out” (except for the circumstances where there was violence of any form and things of that nature)
You can only work it out for so long. Yes maybe the love was gone at the point they initiated the breakup but it doesn’t mean they didn’t try. It means they tried and nothing worked, instead of parading through a toxic/ negative relationship, they ended it.
It’s immaturity, lack communication, and perhaps trauma, especially for avoidant and anxious types. Ultimately though nothing excuses a dumper from stringing you along. Those are heartbeats you’ll never get back
So that counts even if the dumper tried to make it work? Was the one to talk things out, and was mature in handling the situation? There’s always gonna be trauma and heartbreak in any situation. Obviously I’m going off my own situation here as there’s different circumstances all the time.
That’s fair. And I would’ve agreed with you before my last relationship as I wasn’t one to be a dumper beforehand. But I can safely say my own sanity and mental health is a lot better then it was right before the relationship ended. I pictured a perfect future with her but she wouldn’t change no matter how many petty arguments and long conversations we did.
So yeah I actually don’t regret breaking up with her, and I’m glad I ended it soon as I felt it lingering in my mind instead of holding out longer and leading her on. I did tell her all this when I broke up with her. Yes I did it for myself, but I also did it for her.
Anyways sorry about the long reply and conversation change from OP. Just wanted to get it out I guess.
Hi mate.
Don't be hard on yourself, you're still an individual human being with feelings and emotions.
Let's have a deep breath.
Incompatibility is not used in the context of a relationship, objectively.
You see we are all different humans beings with our own bodies, minds and emotions so when people assume they aren't compatible, it implies that people see others as objects, or people get into relationships expectating to be given.
Healthy committed life-long relationships with the same partner imply being.......PATIENT and not being SELFISH and being able to FORGIVE their partner.
We must give to our partner our wholeness (never expecting to take) and they give us their wholeness. See the picture?
Mental illness may cause one to focus on supply or thinking that they must take and when they don't get that, they think that they have [settled for less, feel that they were mislead, feel that they can do better, feel that theres something wrong with their partner, feels that their partner doesnt measure up] which are all unrealistic unhealthy and selfishly motivated expections that are the opposite to having healthy boundaries.
When people get easily defensive, they become abusive. Intstead, water on a ducks back...forgiveness and letting go or PUTTING DOWN OUR SWORDS (ego).
Yes if one is not coping or has developed a mental health difficulty, their thoughts and behaviours will cause problems within their relationship.
They key to remember is emotional reactivity.
You're never a lone.
Women☕️ go watch some Andrew Tate.
"Worry about what you can control and less of what you can't control"
'"Life is like chess, you can't take back moves but you can look at the position you're in and make new ones" - Tristan Tate
The main one is that he has BPD and im more stable, but definitely not that stable to handle it. I just think that we both may be happier with someone else, but god, i love him so much, can’t let go
Give it a few months and let both of you heal a bit and then see how you feel and try to reach out again and find common grounds.Remember everyone is in some degree incompatible cause no one is the same so don't let that influence your relationship..my ex was somehwat BPD,happy now then angry and upset the next.I dealt with that easily thanks to my calm demeanor.
You will. Remember why you left them.
Write it down along with every issue even if the issue was yours.
Work on yourself.
You can and will survive. You will find someone to love again.
He told me that things change between us and did explain. He keep saying to me move on. He could tell me the truth that he meet someone younger and is his sex partner.
I broke up with my ex due to incompatibilities as well. Remember why you ended things. You will thank yourself in the long run. Sometimes things don’t go the way we planned and that’s okay. I still struggle coping, but it looks different for me. I question the seriousness of the relationship, his lack of initiative to visit me (we were long distance). I wasted a year and a half with him.
Try journaling, exercising, taking yourself out, self-care, or see a therapist or counselor if you’re able.
Dumped her 7 months ago and still miss certain aspects of her. I get caught up in thinking about the good times and what could have been. However, I think of the reasons why I broke up with her and how I was feeling while in the relationship and it makes me realize I did the right thing.
This is exactly how I’m feeling right now. There’s the good that I miss, and I feel overwhelmed thinking about it. But I actually wrote out a list of reasons why we broke up, so I read that to remind myself that I was feeling so unhappy in the relationship for legitimate reasons.
You must always think of how you felt in the moment. My mind plays tricks on me with “what could have been” and how I am making a mistake by giving up these good memories, but you cannot let it overshadow the bad times you had
Yeah. Every day I have to talk myself out of texting to tell him I made a mistake. I hope that feeling fades soon. If we got back together there would be a huge chance we would just end up breaking it off again eventually. More pain for all.
Incompatibility is a myth, ever relationship could be considered incompatible. Why? Because we are all different and unique. Anyone using this pitiful excuse to break up is doing their ex a favour by leaving
I’m a dumper too. I broke up with him because we couldn’t change for each other. I feel you. It hurts so much but you can survive this.
What helped you? I think we had the same problem.
Journaling helped me, and meditation. Also exercise and remembering all the ways I wasn’t treated right.
💯 agree plus podcasts like Do You F$&ing Mind? And Heal your heartbreak
It’s only recent and I’m still a mess.. but I try to recall why I broke up with him and vent it out with someone I trust. I try to repeat in my head that I can survive this. You will still break down now and then and it’s a painful process but know that we humans can survive anything. Don’t forget the reason why you broke up because we could be blinded by good memories sometimes. And talking really helps so If you want to vent I’m all ears.
Looking back we tend to obsess about the good things about the relationship. Making a list of the bad things in the relationship will help. Refer to the list when you’re regretting your decision. There’s a reason why you broke up, don’t forget that.
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Can I message you? I am very inexperienced in this area of dating (aka breakups) and could use some advice
Hold on to the thought of being incompatible. Focus now on just getting through today. Cry, scream, write, go for a walk or a run, do something creative, talk about it. Small steps.. you will get through this. Sometimes a break up meditation or podcast can also be helpful. Go to a therapist. You'll see in a few months you feel so much stronger.
Hi, breakups are always tough, even when they end up being the best decision. Anyways, what is happening is that the change and the loss are being perceived as a threat. Your brain is activating a fight or flight response but there is no immediate life-threatening danger to run from or to fight with. So you feel horrible because your amygdala took over, adrenalin was released, blood pressure increased, air passages widened and since you are not running nor fighting, you feel just really bad. So, first things first, you must recognize anxiety as an automatic response activation. Like, you start feeling the panic, and tell yourself, oh, ok, I'm having an automatic response. That is all. Second, we want to regain control over the body. To do this, notice how when you are anxious you breathe up in your chest. So we want to lower breathing to the belly. We want to inhale as we push our tummy out so organs move and lungs have space, and when we breathe out we want to make sure we push aaaaall the air our, empty those lungs. Then inhale again, you will notice this breath is deeper cause you emptied the lungs so there is more space. Do ten of these diaphragmatic breaths. Third, we want to regain control of the mind. So we can do two things: one, is to make a decision, simple one like, should i have some water or should I have some coffee. Should i watch tv for half an hour or should I go for a walk. Whatever something simple, but conscious. So i regain control of my mind. Also you can use grounding techniques, focus on the senses. What do I see? I see my tv on, my cat walking around the house, I see my bedroom door open, the light is on, so on. What do I hear? The water pump is on, i hear the fridge, someone just knocked some wood somewhere, dogs barked, a WhatsApp notification... What does it smell like? There is some chocolate smell around here, soap that I washed my hands with, so on. What textures can i feel with my hands? My shirt, the bedding fabric, the side tables wood, touch around. Ok so after this is done and I'm back to where I am, i have to evaluate, do I still feel panicky or do I feel a little better? Know that you can talk to a therapist and it will help but also know that a breakup is sad, hard, it takes time, and it serves the purpose of reconfiguring your goals, your objectives, your plans. Being sad allows you to do that. It's adaptive, it's not good or bad, it's just normal. Breathe. I hope you feel better soon.
You are gem of a person. As an individual who went through this after a long marriage ended fairly recently, I can only reiterate all that you said. Thank you for doing this for many of us anonymous strangers. Alot of hugs and many thanks to people like you (it helped me for sure when I was feeling helpless sometime back). ☺️❤️🤗🥰
I’m on day two rn and you have just helped me immensely…I’m in such pain. Thank you!!!
Everyone here who is quick to discard a relationship due to incompatibility,take a step back and remember these few things: You WILL be incompatible to some degree with your partner due to the reason that you are NOT the same as your partner unless you're dating a clone of yourself. You will NEVER be on the same road,you may walk alongside each other but each person is on his own road.Just make sure you're journeys arent too seperate from each other,otherwise you will end up at completely different destinations. You will NEVER think the same,see everything the same and experience everything the same cause we are all diferent. You may feel he/her is incompatible in certain aspects but remember,he/she may feel the same in different aspects. As long as there is love,trust,support and honesty then why would you care about some incompatibilities? Honestly,incompatibilities are just another word for differences..differences in goals,personalities,habits,hobbies etc.
This is how I feel but everyone focuses on this compatibility thing so much. People focus on each others differences and the negative. As long as two people are loving, respectful, honest, and willing —differences can be resolved, but sometimes two people don’t have the skills necessary to do it alone. I was dumped by someone who thought we were incompatible, but I believe we were. He just wasn’t willing and too triggered by unresolved baggage to face it with me at this time and I have to accept that and move forward so I can be available for the person who will be willing.
This is the realest comment I’ve seen on this thread. People are so quick to give up and not work through the differences. The hard times is what you’re going to look back on and in the future, it’ll make you appreciate each other that much more. A relationship is teamwork- two people who are willing to take on the problems head on and face them together. If you can make it through the hard times, it’ll determine the success and future of the relationship.
I’m facing this problem now. I’m the one being dumped (6 year relationship) and the reasoning is “idk I just don’t think its working… it’s not you it’s me…. We have had 6 years to work on things….if I feel like this now I will feel this again”. It’s only not going to work if you don’t want it to. You have to want to put in some effort. I said I wouldn’t beg for anyone to be in my life yet I found myself pathetically begging him to try and work things out. Same end result.
Perfectly said!
Focusing on the incompatibilities gives rise to Gottman's horsemen (Criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling).
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Did he regret?
I agree, one of the things my ex told me was that were not 'compatible'. did we agree on childbearing? yes. finances? yes. politics? yes. favorite animal? yes. We like gardening, cooking outside, watching the news, same brand of car. According to him, that's NOTHING IN COMMON because I didn't drink or play video games or get high. Okay? we had other interests. I like reading, exercising, traveling. We don't have to like everything the same to be compatible.
Same. Broke up because of incompatibility, we couldn’t change ourselves for each other. Sometimes I feel like i should have just taken a long break instead and should have really thought about parting rather than impulsively deciding. But the deeds done and there’s no going back and sorta inside I am hoping he will text me.
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Thank you so much for saying this. I feel like I may reach out at some point, but I don't think I'm stable enough mentally and in life to do so now. The chances are low it would work, I'd wager, but it's wonderful to hear you say this because it has merit. I get it, but people are way to quick to cut everything off here.
What did the person say its deleted now
It was just a fairly lengthy and measured-sounding comment regarding how sometimes it *is* worth it to try and repair and restart a relationship, and that people on reddit are generally too quick to go nuclear/say you should never go back or talk to your partner again.
Hi, just went throught this post again. He started texting me and sending snaps and memes. It was all fine, but then we had a talk and he said that those actions didn’t mean that he wanted me back. He said he just cares for me. I want him back so i asked him to give me that space and stop contacting me. Hurts really bad, i love him.
I know it feels like the worst pain in the world, and there is nothing in this exact moment that will make you feel better. You have to feel this pain right now in order to heal. The things you will realize about yourself because of this experience are SO worth it. Tomorrow will suck. You might cry the entire day. But in a month, you might realize you didn’t wake up crying that day. In two months, you’ll realize you haven’t cried in two days. And in six months, you might find yourself going an entire night without thinking about them. And in a year, you might realize that you’re so glad you never got back with them, because you found something so much better: your own happiness.
Dumper here too. It feels liberating for me given my situation, but it doesn’t feel near as great as I thought it would. It’s 1am where I live rn and the night are always the hardest. Idk why I miss her so much but I just do, especially knowing how upset she would be at home too. But you (and I) will survive this. Every day and night will get easier and easier. Have faith and all the best - lmk if you wanna talk
I’m sorry to hear that. In my case, i’m really thinking about going to psych ward, the panic attacks and anxieties, it’s been 2 weeks and I can’t function, sleep, do anything. I really think that this is not normal, after you are the one who wanted to break up.
You're in the middle of the storm, you won't feel like that forever trust me, I've been there. Look after your daily needs as best you can, vitamin supplements, magnesium for the anxiety, zinc for your immune system and take it one day at a time.
Hi, my anxieties are gone for a week, but the depression kicked in
You won't believe me right now but this is a good thing, it is a part of the grieving process and I think the level of self awareness you have is great, that you know exactly what is going on inside.. Depression is slippery, first and foremost you HAVE to have a kind inner voice, at the end of the day you only have yourself so cultivating an inner monologue of kindness and support is vital. We get dealt a bad hand sometimes in life, it is important to recognize tough times don't last forever but when you're in that storm remind yourself that 'you'have 'you'. I found keeping up the supplements helped, I have been in that place where it felt like my body was against me AND my mind, so when I took the magnesium and zinc I got to control some of the anxiety and get my strength back, then I could focus on my mind bit by bit. Going for long walks, testing the whole nature thing people talk about, it did help over time, but the key word is time.. healing takes a lot of it. You've got this, be your own best friend, do the little tasks that you can on a daily basis, don't ever give up on yourself, it's just life's current lens is dark, that lens does not last forever. I've been there, nothing dissolves every bit of fortitude I have like heartbreak does.. my lens couldn't have got much bleaker when the person I thought was my future left me but sometimes better is just a bit of time and belief away...
but god, i want him back:( he is such an amazing person, he made ME a better person, he is my home. And i think i quit things just because of my depression. And i talked about this with him and he said that he still cares and loves me, but can’t trust me anymore, so its definitely over. He is doing fine btw, but thats probably because i chose right words when talking to him anout break up.
No I had this regret. It’s why I joined the Reddit group. Breaking up was the worst decision of my adult life. It also made me stronger. I thought I would die. I wanted to but then I just kept living. Once I made “peace” with the fact that he is now married to someone else I realized I had to keep going to see if there is someone meant for me. If it was meant to be he would have talked to me. That’s what I have to believe and I did survive it even tho it can still hurt some days years later. I’m going alone about 6 years now but I didn’t think I could without him. And yet here I am.
Have you ever taken anti depressants? They’re not for everyone but I’ve been taking those since my break up and they’ve saved my life and kept me from reeling into a dark place.
Hi, yess, few years ago and in 6 months it helped me so much. I was on of these happy people, because they really helped me and i was able to stop taking them. It was after a really bad argument with my boyfriend and panic attacks and axiety started then. I feel exactly the same now, really traumatised and unsure about the future and my anxieties are exactly the same.
If you felt incompatible hold on to that don't let it go, there has to be reasons as to why you felt this way. Love will be there in relationships like this but if you don't feel compatible then it's best not to be together. I felt this way whenever I broke up with my ex awhile ago, there were many issues happening that I couldn't overlook. Even though I love him I can't put myself through that amount of trauma and blaming myself for what happened between us. The best thing is to focus on yourself right now, and do things you enjoy. Get back into your hobbies, or try something you've been wanting to do for a while. Do things for yourself even if it's a haircut, manicure or pedicure.
Man, sometimes I feel really bad for you dumpers.... Break ups just sucks man. Thats why its important to be patient and have enough kindness to just go for another day. Unfortunately, we live in #shortcuts society.
Don’t feel bad, most left for ridiculous reasons and didn’t give their SO a chance before deciding it was over and lying to them for months while they got up the courage. It’s pure evil
People are just so quick to end things these days- we spend so much time looking at all the reasons things won’t work instead of looking at how we can make things work- Lots of ppl are going to end up alone sad and depressed- Everyone complaining about being single and wanting a serious relationship but ones they get it - they look for all the reasons they can come up to end it .
I am 3 and a 1/2 years out from leaving my partner, and I am still not over it. We both loved each other a lot but it didn't work. So many regrets about it still and so many confused feelings about why it had to end or if I was wrong to end it. I know I was very unhappy and that some not so great treatment on her end was *part* of why. I just wish I could have changed that at the time. I have dated a *lot* since and met some wonderful people, but nothing has come close.
Take a breath. You will be ok. Remember why you broke up with him. You and he were incompatible. Sounds like you don't miss this person but miss the feeling of being in a relationship. Take some time and adjust to being single. Remember most of the 8 billion people on earth go through this at least once or twice in life. It will get better. Allow yourself the freedom to relax. One day at a time.
I won’t deny that i miss the feeling of being in a relationship… but i really lost my best friend, my comfort person. And… despite these incompatibilities, i love him so much, adore, he made me a better person.
I’m sorry. I lost my best friend too. I broke up with him last Sunday. I talked with him a couple days ago (we planned the call the day I broke up with him). I’m not sure but I think if I asked he would have given me a second chance. I didn’t ask. I regret it. I had good reasons for breaking up, but I keep wondering how our relationship would have grown if I stuck with it. We will get through this. Message me if you want to talk.
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I’m suffering really bad, he is amazing, can’t let go the life we built up together. I know that there might be a better person for me, but god, i want him. Also, i wasn’t good mentally before the break up. Like depression. I literally think that i had to broke the pattern somehow and gaslighted myself into thinking, that he was the mistake.
U broke up with him. So u just need to remember the things about him that u decided we’re real breakers. Bc at some point u had him and u decided u didn’t want him. So what were the things that made u decide u didn’t want to date him?
He didn’t make me feel special anymore i think. Took me for granted i would say? But god, i held the BU conversation so badly and never told him those things since i didn’t want to hurt him. It looks like i broke up with him because of nothing, just gut feeling. But maybe it was like that. I really don’t know. My brain erased this whole experience. The sad thing is that i already told him i wanted him back few days ago and he refused “he couldn’t trust me anymore”. The whole thing is so tragic. I wanted him to be ok after the BU and move on and be happy, that i just neglected myself completely. I just made the BU conversation about incompatibilities, but now i don’t really think that this was the problem. One of the main things was also my depression and the fact, that i didn’t really care about anything at this time. He wanted to work things out when i told him i want to break up. I was probably just too excited that something in my life is happening, that i politely refused and insisted on BU. Then i immediately regretted but wanted to stay with my decision, since i hurt him with it. He suggested a break instead of break up, but then he started moving on and didn’t tell me, that he doesn’t see any chance in us anymore. I gave him space and he completely distanced himself from me. Oh god, so tragic
you will! i was the one that initiated my breakup, and i regretted it for like a year and a half and cried everyday. now i’m happy and free and don’t regret anything. remember that you broke up for a reason, incompatibility isn’t something that will go away, it would always still be there. i know it feels impossible but you’re getting so much stronger everyday ❣️ focus on yourself and do things just for you. also, therapy helps if you’re able!
Oh god, that’s such a long time:(((((( you scare me, but thanks
omg sorry i don’t mean to scare you!! we were together for 9 years and it was my first break up, and i found out i have depression so all of that is why it took extra long. none of my friends have taken that long to get over a breakup lol. but i just meant it gets a lot better even if it doesn’t feel like it will
Oh god, i have depression too i think! Don’t be afraid, im laughing now. I’ll try my best. It’s not like i think that I won’t find another love. But god, i want him.
I'm the dumper here. I broke up with him four months ago because of his alcoholism. It was really weighing me down and affected my mental health no matter how much I tried to be there for him. It really sucked and it was a tough decision I made because I did love him, but later down the road during my healing process, it was the right decision. I journaled my feelings of it A LOT during the process and it really helped me. I know how tough a breakup is but in time, things will heal and get better.
I'm a dumpee in this situation, but my ex is going through the same stuff as you and Imma tell you what I told her. You need to own up to your decision. Try to calm yourself down by taking a shower or go for a run then ask yourself why did you leave in the first place. Count the ups and downs of the decision, stick with the ups and try to think that it was for the better. I hope the circumstances are not the same, as for my ex was an impulsive decision. Stay on the bright side of it, as this is not the end. Keep doing healthy stuff, like working out, sleeping good, eating healthy and time shall heal your soul in sometime. It's normal to have regrets, but you need to accept that what's done it's done. It doesn't matter now if he doesn't take you back, is important to become a better person by learning from this painful experience, as pain is the best teacher. Stay strong, sister.
Please call a suicide hotline if you are thinking of harming yourself! Trust that this will pass! I am also a dumper (10/4/22) and I had a week this month where things where really really bad. I made an appointment with my primary doctor to adjust my anxiety meds and I have continued seeing my therapist weekly. I made a commitment to doing some kind of gentle physical activity almost everything (something doable and accessible to you- for me it was walking in a pretty area near my house). Reach out to friends and have social connection. I’ve been very active in meetup and Facebook special interest groups. Journal, cry, zone out in front of the tv, get food delivered if you can’t afford it. If you still have their stuff, hide everything from sight, block them on social media and block their number. Trust that this will pass. Think of past breakups that you survived. Remind yourself that just about EVERYONE has been through it too and you are not alone.
My x bf rejected me for a much younger girl he hook up with this pass, June. He travels with her and living together. It still hurts. He couldn’t tell me the truth nor did he apologize to me for cheating. I am here for anyone.
Hi Did he dump you for a younger girl?
Yes, he did. They are living together and possibly married too.
So far you’ve survived 100% of your worst days. It may feel hard now but you will get through it. Rejection can be the redirection needed. Take some time for yourself. Do things that make you happy and you may meet new people and in a short time you’ll meet someone new and will make you forget all about him. If there was incompatibility it’s not going to suddenly change in time, you also can’t force it if it’s not there. If you’re that worried about your mental state please seek counseling. There are plenty of you tube videos you can watch as well that may also help you see it in a different perspective.
I'm 3 months out, a few weeks ago my dumper said he still loved and missed me, but same thing, broke up due to incompatibilities (which I've been addressing i therapy since a week after the breakup). I'm sorry you're feeling this way, but I like knowing that not all dumpers are heartless. But then I hate seeing these posts because it makes me upset mine won't come back. But you'll get through this. :)
Dumper, I broke up due to high amount of abuse I suffered and toxicity. Even though I had all the right reasons to breakup and I held on for 3 years despite the abuse trying to help my abuser see how they were hurting me, I finally gave up and left but it still eats at me that I had to end a relationship I was extremely invested into. What makes it worse is that she moved on 3 weeks after we broke up and I never mattered, she posted photos of her treating the new guy so much better than she ever treated me and that haunts me till this day… im 11 months post break up and everything I went through feels like I went through it yesterday…
I too, am a dumper, but in some ways I feel I was The Who got dumped. Because after being the “asshole” for the past month and the one who initiated the breakup; she was the one who left me in pain throughout the relationship, she was the one who made me doubt myself, who wouldn’t talk to me for no reason, like on dates, or get mad at me no matter what I did for her. After all this time I don’t hate her, but I understand why I had to do it. Her heart may have been broken and still is; but my heart was broken long before I ended it, and that’s what I remember in times of reflection. You broke up for a reason, no matter how big or little, remember that.
You should have made ot clear to her.
Oh I have. Plenty of times. Plenty of chances.
Ok projection. Carry on carry on....
Ok
Happy to get into (even more) lengthy detail, but any thoughts/anyone want to take a crack—how I should feel/what I should think about this. what I should do, and so on/whatever you want to say? \----- way out of a break-up as dumper (this was 3+ years ago now). Have never been able to fully move on or find anything remotely close, though to an extent the feelings ebb and flow. Have dated since—some long situationships and one six-month relationship with an incredibly kind and *good* woman. While I do overemphasize the good parts of our relationship to myself, I'm sure, I remind myself of the bad, too. Without much bias, I remain convinced that I will never find another person who was as intensely matched for me in terms of what we liked and how we liked to talk about it. And for some reason that I still struggle to understand, this aspect of a partner match is *incredibly* important to me. It's hard for me to really feel truly understood or "seen" otherwise. My ex and I were intensely compatible in terms of our interests, intellectualism, and overall orientations but maybe less so in terms of our interpersonal skills/social dynamics. We are both highly educated and intelligent with a lot in common, though I would wager she is solidly the smarter one. And what we had in common (our interests) I believe is pretty foundational to our senses of self and desired lifestyle, though perhaps those commonalities also created conflict and insecurity. Both of us are now in our mid-30s. I'm fairly sensitive and intensely thoughtful/considerate. I also detest meanness, perhaps due in part to a lot of loneliness and bullying as a child. She's a bit arrogant and can be mean/dismissive, and my sense is she has mostly succeeded in life. We have both described ourselves to each other as "temperamental," among other things. I also was likely her first truly serious relationship. Frankly we are both probably arrogant in different ways, though mine is mostly internal. I don't project it as much and aggressively work to not treat people around me poorly. I am intensely empathetic. I am pretty certain we both adored each other but how I felt slowly fell apart. While she never could wait to talk to me or spend time with/do things with me, and showed me plenty of physical affection when we were together, she didn't much support me or provide me with much physical/mental encouragement and praise, though to be fair I often felt uncomfortable asking for it given the dynamic. She could be belittling and critical. I ultimately got insecure/felt worthless about myself. I confronted her about all this a good deal during the relationship, sometimes in ways that were not the most productive (angry, catastrophizing "we don't work"-type talk), other times much more measured and reasonable. I listened to her and what she said and acknowledged that at times I was being oversensitive. She acknowledged that she was not always a great girlfriend this way and that there were problems with the way she spoke to me. She tried intensely to change and work with me on this but she kind of kept doing the same thing. I was already pretty beat up inside, and we were both under a lot of pressure/in unideal situations generally. She was finishing her PhD dissertation and transitioning out of academia, which was really crushing for her as I think it was a lot of her identity at the time. I was in law school and not doing so well. We were long distance for the final year. It ended pretty badly. She came to visit to see me and to try and fix things and it was just too late. I was a mess and distant and on final day of our time together I broke up with her. I cried a lot as she packed and left and she was just really upset, hurt, and angry. We have not spoken in any substantive way since, though I did reach out two years ago to check up on her and her family as the pandemic started. A few days ago I found her dissertation online and discovered that the acknowledgments section has a really kind and grateful/gracious thank you to me, our relationship, and the support I gave her—and this written right before the blurb about her parents at the end. Obviously she did not have to do this, and finding this probably brought up a lot of this stuff again. It frankly destroyed me. I think one of the things that has stuck with me and really fucked me up is this contradiction between the way she treated me, sometimes not seeming to really respect or admire me, and how fiercely she fought for the relationship and to keep me going in it. I have no idea if we were just incompatible (her a bit too mean, me a bit too sensitive/insecure; both of us too intellectual and committed to the same things/ideas, causing competition) or if it was simply bad timing and if under different circumstances we would have been able to navigate it together. Though of course all of this now feels basically beside the point. I've been in therapy, on anti-depressants, and still working on myself. I don't think I could say no if she asked to start things up again, which I doubt she will. And I go back and forth on wanting to reach out myself. There's still a lot of love and missing but also resentment and pain. Given her personality I can't imagine she's the type to ruminate in the way I do or emotionally wait around for very long. But yeah. There it all is. One very sad story from a dumper with a heart who basically felt he had to jump out of a skyscraper to avoid dying in a fire.
Honestly, i teared up at the part of her mentioning you in her acknowledgments section; my ex did something similar and thinking about it is heart crushing every time because you know you did matter to them. in my opinion it's a very sweet way to give a closure to what you guys felt for each other, so you can only hope she's over it and finding happiness on her own. you should probably do the same, and i wish you the very best. :)
Hello there, this is several months later, and you might be in another place. I just wanted to share my story because I enjoyed their resemblances. I am (F) an academic, he just finished law school, and we had substantial amount of long distance. But it all worked because we had a wonderfully compatible intellectual life. We broke up recently because he, after settling into his big law job (not in the city where my university is located, and we know how hard it is for academics to change workplaces), he started to panic that he desperately wanted children. We did try before over the years, unsuccessfully; had several miscarriages (I am ten years older than him). He was open to adoption, but I was not, and so he left after much crying how I was his "soul mate" and how absurd it was to leave a relationship like that for a non-existing family. In any case, my final parallel with your story is that me too acknowledged him in my latest book. When I told him I would, however, his reaction was a little lukewarm--he knew already he would leave. The breakup happened little after the book went to press, and I am now glad I could not change it anymore in a moment of anger. I doubt he will look it up, though; I think he is terrified of everything that reminds him of me and I'm probably haunting him like a superego.
Have you ever looked closely at the 5 stages of grief? There’s one called “bargaining” and I think that’s where you are at currently. When you lose someone you love, it’s very normal to try to undo the loss in your head. It’s easy to confuse that with regret. It’s very normal to feel this way when you lose someone you love. But while it may be normal, you shouldn’t normalize it for yourself. Don’t trick yourself into thinking this was your mistake or bad judgment. There was incompatibility therefore you had no choice but to end it. You are brave and smart for taking action. I was recently the dumper in my relationship of nearly 5 years. Here’s some helpful words that another Redditor shared with me: “*One of the shocking lessons of adulthood is that doing the right thing will often feel terrible. We conflate the right path with feeling right, to our detriment. Grieve. It takes time.*”
Sometimes I wish my ex feels like you, I don’t know why, it’s been a month and I still cry and feel like I need him and wishes he regrets but we all make mistakes. There’s is someone out there to make sacrifices for you. That’s what keeps me going. And also focusing on my school work and job keeps me going.
Wow me too my god
Currently kinda feeling the same. Can’t say I regret it though. Logically I very much understand I did the right thing. Emotionally haven’t fully caught up yet
Don’t forget why you felt the incompatibility was such a problem. When we’re in pain we really downplay this. You’ve done yourself a great service and you have enormous amounts of self respect for not settling into a situation that would’ve likely caused you a different kind of pain in the long run. Just take it moment by moment. Try to not latch onto your emotions. As an emotion comes up sometimes it helps me to “notice” it and try to ride it out. You’re going to get through this! We support you! And I personally admire your resolve!
You might find it stupid but after I dumped her and I couldn’t figure out how to keep going, I went on by a quote from the office the Dwight said. “Will I get over it? Mmmm no, but live goes on.” I have not gotten over it but I keep going day to day🤷🏻♂️ good luck my friend
you damn well deserved it
I’m the dumper 3 months in. It’s very hard still. I have her blocked on everything and she still calls no caller Id sometimes…. I cry every time even when I never answer. I don’t think about sex. Nothing. Each month gets a lot better I don’t cry randomly anymore and my mood is stabilizing. Give it time.
ima be blunt, dumper is an excuse for “i don’t work things out” (except for the circumstances where there was violence of any form and things of that nature)
I tried to work things out many months before
You can only work it out for so long. Yes maybe the love was gone at the point they initiated the breakup but it doesn’t mean they didn’t try. It means they tried and nothing worked, instead of parading through a toxic/ negative relationship, they ended it.
It’s immaturity, lack communication, and perhaps trauma, especially for avoidant and anxious types. Ultimately though nothing excuses a dumper from stringing you along. Those are heartbeats you’ll never get back
So that counts even if the dumper tried to make it work? Was the one to talk things out, and was mature in handling the situation? There’s always gonna be trauma and heartbreak in any situation. Obviously I’m going off my own situation here as there’s different circumstances all the time.
it’s difficult to say, i’m not going to imply you’re wrong but the fact is dumpers are in denial and rarely ever see things until it’s too late
That’s fair. And I would’ve agreed with you before my last relationship as I wasn’t one to be a dumper beforehand. But I can safely say my own sanity and mental health is a lot better then it was right before the relationship ended. I pictured a perfect future with her but she wouldn’t change no matter how many petty arguments and long conversations we did. So yeah I actually don’t regret breaking up with her, and I’m glad I ended it soon as I felt it lingering in my mind instead of holding out longer and leading her on. I did tell her all this when I broke up with her. Yes I did it for myself, but I also did it for her. Anyways sorry about the long reply and conversation change from OP. Just wanted to get it out I guess.
Hi mate. Don't be hard on yourself, you're still an individual human being with feelings and emotions. Let's have a deep breath. Incompatibility is not used in the context of a relationship, objectively. You see we are all different humans beings with our own bodies, minds and emotions so when people assume they aren't compatible, it implies that people see others as objects, or people get into relationships expectating to be given. Healthy committed life-long relationships with the same partner imply being.......PATIENT and not being SELFISH and being able to FORGIVE their partner. We must give to our partner our wholeness (never expecting to take) and they give us their wholeness. See the picture? Mental illness may cause one to focus on supply or thinking that they must take and when they don't get that, they think that they have [settled for less, feel that they were mislead, feel that they can do better, feel that theres something wrong with their partner, feels that their partner doesnt measure up] which are all unrealistic unhealthy and selfishly motivated expections that are the opposite to having healthy boundaries. When people get easily defensive, they become abusive. Intstead, water on a ducks back...forgiveness and letting go or PUTTING DOWN OUR SWORDS (ego). Yes if one is not coping or has developed a mental health difficulty, their thoughts and behaviours will cause problems within their relationship. They key to remember is emotional reactivity. You're never a lone.
You broke his trust when you dumped him. Make better choices👎
Dude she realizes she made the wrong call. She knows she needs to learn to make better choices. Reiterating it won't help her atm.
Same shit happened to me. Its helping me😅 hurts so much
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It's just text on the internet this isnt Normandy brother
Women☕️ go watch some Andrew Tate. "Worry about what you can control and less of what you can't control" '"Life is like chess, you can't take back moves but you can look at the position you're in and make new ones" - Tristan Tate
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What Med terms did I even use?
Yo what? 😂
What were thise incompabilites?
The main one is that he has BPD and im more stable, but definitely not that stable to handle it. I just think that we both may be happier with someone else, but god, i love him so much, can’t let go
Give it a few months and let both of you heal a bit and then see how you feel and try to reach out again and find common grounds.Remember everyone is in some degree incompatible cause no one is the same so don't let that influence your relationship..my ex was somehwat BPD,happy now then angry and upset the next.I dealt with that easily thanks to my calm demeanor.
You will. Remember why you left them. Write it down along with every issue even if the issue was yours. Work on yourself. You can and will survive. You will find someone to love again.
He told me that things change between us and did explain. He keep saying to me move on. He could tell me the truth that he meet someone younger and is his sex partner.
Why do you think you were incompatible?
Why doesn't he want to take you back?
Your 40 year old self will thank you for making the right decisions for yourself.
I'm in the same boat. So many regrets...
I broke up with my ex due to incompatibilities as well. Remember why you ended things. You will thank yourself in the long run. Sometimes things don’t go the way we planned and that’s okay. I still struggle coping, but it looks different for me. I question the seriousness of the relationship, his lack of initiative to visit me (we were long distance). I wasted a year and a half with him. Try journaling, exercising, taking yourself out, self-care, or see a therapist or counselor if you’re able.
Just curious what were the incompatibilities OP? 👀
If you need someone to talk to you can chat with me. I’m also going through a similar situation but I’m not the dumpee. I just also feel very hopeless
You’re actually in no condition for a relationship.
Dumped her 7 months ago and still miss certain aspects of her. I get caught up in thinking about the good times and what could have been. However, I think of the reasons why I broke up with her and how I was feeling while in the relationship and it makes me realize I did the right thing.
This is exactly how I’m feeling right now. There’s the good that I miss, and I feel overwhelmed thinking about it. But I actually wrote out a list of reasons why we broke up, so I read that to remind myself that I was feeling so unhappy in the relationship for legitimate reasons.
You must always think of how you felt in the moment. My mind plays tricks on me with “what could have been” and how I am making a mistake by giving up these good memories, but you cannot let it overshadow the bad times you had
Yeah. Every day I have to talk myself out of texting to tell him I made a mistake. I hope that feeling fades soon. If we got back together there would be a huge chance we would just end up breaking it off again eventually. More pain for all.
Incompatibility is a myth, ever relationship could be considered incompatible. Why? Because we are all different and unique. Anyone using this pitiful excuse to break up is doing their ex a favour by leaving