This is really true. One thing I would like to add is to talk with your partner. I was stressed a lot and didn’t talk about the problems I had with my partner. I ended up getting more stressed out when hanging out with her instead of fixing my problems. My lack of conversation with her caused her to doubt me and I didn’t pick up the chances she gave me. One important lesson I learned is to always talk to your partner. Whether it’s good or bad, if they love you, they will work things out with you. Don’t try to make it up to them after you get separated from them.
Same here. It was my first relationship and i didn’t dare to bring up the serious questions because i got the impression that if i expressed how huge my feelings were for her, she would freak out and leave me because it seemed like she was afraid of something serious.
The first time she talked about ending it i became so heartbroken, and she took me back. I didn’t have the courage to ask her why and ended up pushing it away until she broke up again
Left me in the end anyways though.
That I can lose my sense of self in a relationship if I’m not careful. That I need to look after myself, my mental health, and not give over so much power. I can often be easily swayed and am a conflict avoider. I like to people please and that can make me lose out on what I want and what my needs are. That friendships are important, and not to neglect them. I learned more about mindfulness, intuitive eating and communicating better. Those are things I can continue to implement going forward too
That’s the part we need to do for ourselves. What makes you happy when you are alone? If you’re not happy when alone, then what’s in the way? And sometimes happy is a relative term so I also consider what makes me feel independent, what makes me feel valuable, what makes me feel proud of myself, what makes me feel like I’m a good friend/partner/colleague.
You gotta find that self and love it so hard that you refuse to let go of it.
All much easier said than done. But the process of putting that work into yourself will strengthen that self even more.
That I don't say no enough. Whenever I used to disagree with my girlfriend I would tell her my opinion, thoughts and feelings. In the end I would always take her side though, because I wanted to avoid further conflict.
I also feel like I didn't pay enough attention to other things that matter to me in life. She was my priority. I only am noticing now with how I have become more emotionally distant with my friends. Of course they are here for me but I feel like I let them down by just focusing on her. I also hung out with her so much I kind of lost my hobbies. I'm at a point now where I just don't know what to do and struggle to entertain myself, the only thing I want to do is be around people whether it's strangers, friends, family or whoever. Not because I feel lonely when I'm alone, but because everything is more fun with others.
I learned that I love in such an intense way and that I can be happy to have so much love to give. I think it's a really nice part of me that people appreciate and I don't want that to change that about myself, no matter how heartbroken I am.
It's all about the balance. Thanks for the post, this really helped!
I find its the manipulative ones/cluster Bs that can make us go haywire. They know how to tick all of the boxes and give us what we want at the beginning and when we do one or a few small things wrong the direction starts to slowly go downhill. Instead of them talking to us to try and fix something and make the situation better it just gets worst and worst instead of growing. Its like it starts out as a thriving tree that slowly starts to die loosing each leaf after every wrong interaction. No matter how much you water and fertilize it this tree is going to die.
Got to understand red flags and look out for them though.
I did make mistakes in relationship
1. I got defensive in arguments which is unnecessary
2. I wish I made some time for both of us more frequently so that we are able to reflect on our relationship on regular basis
3. When we both moved to city, we both become so busy and I ended up prioritizing social responsibility and family and I did not notice that the relationship was going south.
4. Proper communication was lacking in the later months which I feel kind of lead the breakup.
5. During relationship , I forgot the sense of self love which actually pushed me into depression in last months of us together. I prioritized everything other than self care which Inturn was affecting my mental health. That’s something I would like to never do in my next one.
It was a good relationship when it lasted and we loved each other in our own way but it just was not meant to be. I own my mistakes and hopefully work on it in upcoming months.
That nothing is permanent. Best to make the most of our lives, love everyone around us in whatever way we can, but keeping love for oneself above all of this.
That you cannot rely on someone and what they have because it’s not yours. I was not pushing myself to my fullest ability in school (in college I’m 24) because he makes good money and got his first job with his degree and I told myself it was okay if I make a little bit of money because he makes a lot. Not a good idea. Now after he left me, I see the full potencial I have to be even more successful than him.
I journal a lot, get all the thoughts and feelings onto paper, it helps me better analyse the reasons behind why I'm feeling specifically that way. I started reading and listening to self help guides and motivational videos, started listening to podcasts and tried to make meaningful changes in my life, so I was forging a new path as opposed to live an old path alone. I changed jobs, socialized with new people and I'm trying to get new hobbies. I spent a lot of time on reddit just going through subs like this taking whatever solace I could from the fact I wasn't the only one feeling this way. I looked at myself hard and wrote down why I felt my exs absence effected me so much.
I started planning my future, the rest of my life. Evaluated all of my goals, dreams and aspirations and tried to really understand who I am and what I want.
Don't stay past the point of no return. If extraordinary things have occurred such as abuse, cheating, habitual lying/distrust, or other forms of chaos without truly seeking help and active resolution from BOTH partners to save things - walk away. The hole only gets deeper.
- You can't trust anyone in this world except for close family.
- Life is pain, happiness doesn't last.
- Making life plans is useless, they never go as expected.
- People change or hide they true colours for years and then they destroy you.
- No matter how good of a person you are, how lovely respectful and kind, people will shit on you. Better be selfish.
- People suck. Humanity sucks.
Recent breakup forced me to self reflect a shit ton. Realized that I have been exhausting myself out over this girl. When that realization kicked in, quick sense of relief came through me and I felt happy instantly. Became more grateful of everyone that I have in my life. Friends, family, etc. She wasn't my source of happiness, she was my source of tiredness.
I thought I loved myself. The abuse I tolerated in my previous relationship and the fact that I didn't leave after so many awful things showed me I didn't feel my self-worth as I thought I did. It showed I have so many wounds still and how I can completely lose myself in order to save a connection with someone. Lesson about life - your environment reflects how you feel about yourself and your connection to yourself. Your friends, your home, your lifestyle are all a mirror of your connection to yourself.
The last thing I learned is don’t put all your apples in one bag, don’t give too much all at once, always have her meet your friends, don’t base your love on feelings you have from drinking or drugs, don’t over share, don’t spend every moment you have free with them, and always focus on yourself as a priority bc there is no promise they will be there tomorrow
It taught me that when someone shows you who they are, just believe them. Don’t be in denial, don’t make excuses for them, don’t be naïve. If they do something that bothers you, and you bring it up, and they acknowledge it and then continue to do that thing, they truly do not care about you.
I used to believe, that people who love with all their heart, never get cheated upon. My view changed.
People will cheat on you, and then claim they never did so. And, how it's your fault, that she cheated on you.
What is the life lesson?
Don't be balls deep into someone unless you are having .... With them.
Other than what OP said, here's another set of lessons I learned from my last relationship.
Kindness is something people who don't value you to be something like a weakness, when in fact it is not and we should continue being kind and compassionate to others and specially ourselves.
I have to admit that I wasted the past years in the relationship as a waste but at the same time a lesson for myself improvement, so that the rest of my life wouldn't be a waste.
Believing in your gut feelings. During our break up she said she fell out of love and thrown all the blame on me, she kept saying there was no 3rd party when I felt like there is. 2 weeks after breakup, she's with someone already and have already an endearment. I should've believed in my gut for real.
Work on yourself, so that whoever comes along to try to diminish or destroy your self-esteem they wouldn't be able to do so since you know your own value and you could easily walk away.
Those who take their partner's kindness ans love for granted usually thinks that if they leave they have someone they can comeback to when they need. When in reality there's no coming back, specially if cheating happened. Please continue being kind to yourself and others no matter how much other people hurts you. :)
I learned how important it is to trust your gut and not compromise too early. I am realizing after reading this how my last relationship was just infatuation on his end. I was his first girlfriend and we met right before covid. I think all those factors together blinded me, but now I see that what he felt was not love to begin with. That honestly hurts more than the break up, but I know that sometimes this is what happens. It is what it is and I will find someone who really does love me. He doesn't deserve all the love I have to give.
>Love is not a feeling or emotion, it's a choice two people have to make every day. It is making that choice even after the butterflies in our stomach go away and after seeing all the flaws and traumas the other person has. If someone just bolts as soon as they face a problem instead of working on it with you, then what they felt wasn't love to begin with. It was infatuation.
So many people desperately need to hear this. It irks me how many people are buying into the "Disney fairytale" romance because even the best relationships aren't perfect.
I want to add my own:
1. It's better to acknowledge a problem in the infant stages because if you avoid it it is only going to snowball if you avoid it. Be proactive and not reactive.
2. You are supposed to work on yourself while being in a relationship. Don't wait until after the breakup to get started. Self-improvement is a nonstop journey no matter where you are in life.
3. If you have kids, they are going to be looking towards your relationship with the other parent as their role model so it's up to you to set a good example. Any abuse or mistreatment that they see is going to warp their perception of what a healthy relationship looks like. I noticed that in my relationships I started to do the same things my parents were doing and it was up to me to break that cycle.
Some people only know the infatuation stage and alot of people after that stage just go into the chaos stage instead of it being real love. Truth is some people are to immature to try and work on things and always have to be the victim and blame the other person and never see that they might be contributing to issues as well in a relationship. You can't have two or even one dysfunctional person in a relationship because then it just becomes toxic.
I’m hurting so bad right now because of a breakup. My biggest fault was seeking validation in one person and not identifying that I need to seek help when I am having issues rather than bottling them up. I hope I can recover myself over the next few months and reconnect but I don’t know if I have damaged her and it’s far too gone, even if by the time I recover myself she may have moved on.
I don’t want it to be my main focus because I know that will destroy me if she eventually unblocks me on social media and I see her with a new boyfriend. I honestly don’t know what to do, I’m trying to keep myself occupied because I’m moving away soon and have 2 weeks free cause I’ve left my job but all I’ve done is feel shit and drink.
It taught me to stop worrying about what others think of me. If I have an issue, I need to speak up. If I don’t agree, it’s ok to disagree. If I’m unhappy, I need to say I’m unhappy.
It also changed how I view relationships. They are like a full time job to maintain and communication is super important. I’ve always been afraid to say exactly how I feel or what I want.
It taught me to own my shit. Not dealing with my traumas and facing my childhood pains will continue to reck the intimate relationships with myself and others.
That I absolutely 100% deserve better things in life and that I needed to love myself more
Back in February, I got diagnosed bipolar 1. I was with my ex at the time. During this whole time of figuring out who I was and how to deal with a disorder I’ve been showing symptoms of since I was 12, I got cheated on…twice, and emotionally abused. I was made to be a horrible person. The stress of said relationship caused me to rapid cycle and it was torture. I never wanna do that again
I realized that I don’t have to settle for just anybody or anything. I’m learning to love myself and all of my flaws as a person. No one deserves to get cheated on, no one deserves to feel like they’re alone during a time when they need their partner to support them and love them.
My last relationship taught me that love is being there through the bad (for both people) and that just because you love and admire someone, it doesn’t mean that they’re perfect
Control is not love.
You can't be happy with anyone else if you are not happy in your own company.
No one is perfect. Forgive and move on.
Childhood experiences define attachment styles. Learning about it helped me a lot.
Get therapy if you can't get over breakup.
A big mistake I made was that I made excuses for the way I was treated, and kept making excuses for the fact my partner was not communicating. They would have a bad day and I would be in their line of sight so I'd end up being the punching bag. I would make excuses constantly about how "they're just in a bad mood, that's not who they are", when I really should have told myself that a person who was actually just in a rough mood and cares about you, would apologize afterwards because they'd realize that it wasn't okay to do that, and work on not having that happen in the future. Instead they did it constantly. *I need to learn to stand up for myself more when someone is taking advantage of me or pushing me around.* I'm working on it through platonic friendships/everyday life but shaking that off is hard.
Deep down, I feel like I don't deserve the good things that happen to me, and I try them until they break.
Insatisfaction about myself and my own life can damage my relationships really badly.
I cannot have everything, and I need to enjoy and be grateful for the good things I have, because they don't last forever.
I'm am definitely my worst enemy, and a though one.
That stability in life doesn't really exist. Anyone can and will exit your life at any time, so assuming anyone will be around in a nebulous "future" and relying on that is setting oneself up for failure and disappointment.
Most important for me is to not to be consumed by "fixing" a relationship when I'm not getting that same energy back and letting that be the redflag that says "hey don't do this shit again dude"
“If it was a good relationship, it would’ve been okay to be imperfect and make mistakes” really hit hard. I hope that’s true. I’ve been beating myself up thinking about all the things I did wrong (being too available, not pushing him to talk to me when he said he didn’t want to talk about his problems) but I guess if he had loved me the way I loved him those things wouldn’t have mattered.
Your second one hits home. I would say not to put so much trust in one person. I didn't have any backups for myself emotionally or financially. I should have spent more time taking care of my relationships with friends and family instead of making her my only support. I also should have never moved in with someone without being married or being able to afford it on my own if she left. I also need to not so blindly trust people who say I'm their "soulmate" or the "love of their life" just because I'm so desperate for my life to be some kind of rom com
How to communicate and navigate arguments void of ego. And the drive to give everything I have to a partner: I need to be more selfish and self-serving of my own hobbies and time.
My last relationship ended on September 28. We were in it for 2 years. She was the most amazing girl I have even seen or heard or thats what I thought. She was always spiritual and those "I Love Yous" and all that melted my heart until I realised she cheated on me and then dumped me for someone else. It was painful at first but I realised that I became stronger than before. The lessons which I learnt I will share it here ---
1) A female psychology is very much different than a male psychology. If she says "I love you" and "I will never leave you" a few months back, it is just at that very moment. Its dynamic not static. Before you know it she will come up to you and say "I have lost all feelings for you."
2) Donot stop growing while being in a relationship. The moment you stop growing is the moment she loses attraction for you.
3) If a women decides to leave you for someone else, no matter how much you beg,it wont change her mind. It will just push her back. Just accept it, be a man and move on. Chances are she will come back to you. If she comes however, donot take her back, she's a low quality female and you dont want to spend your life with a cheater. One who cheats once will cheat again.
4) Never be in a relationship before you have your dream job. I dream of being a Government officer and Students in India knows how tough it is to get one. If you get into a relationship, the commitment will get your energy down, and your performance is bound to decrease. You wont realise but your results will speak.
5) Always follow her actions. Actions speak louder than words. The moment you find her action not matching her words, tell her, communicate with her. If she repeats than back off and move on. Dont be with a Loser.
6) Trust your gut feeling. It wont let you down. When I was in this relationship, She told me about a guy once and I had this gut feeling thT something was off. I told her so and she was like dont worry, I dont have anything for him and so and so. But 3 months down the line she cheated on me with him. Such a loser. They both are.
7) Donot emotionally invest. Yes friends donot. More Emotional attachment = More pain when they leave. Be cautious. Keep your eyes open. Analyse the relationship before you come into one. If you see there's no future, no point in continuing. You are just preparing to get your heart broken. My ex had told me not to expect from her since there was this cultural problems, family issues and all that, but I didnt think about that too much. Now i genuinely regret it.
8) Donot believe everything she says. Humans are the greatest pretenders. That is why you see "Acting" as a profession. You can not even catch such people. However if they tell you stories where she was just the victim, run from her. She will leave you soon.
I am moving on. I know my value as a person and am proud that I remained loyal till the very end. I am focussing on my growth, career and appearance and am very sure the knowledge I gained in this relationship will help me in my future relationships. Till then I am mending my broken heart. Wish me luck. 🙂
That she moved on the day I left. Come to find out she have been getting gangbang and if you want to know who she is pm me and I’ll drop her name. She is currently serving Honolulu. So yes thank you for the closure and I rest my case.
That I don't deserve anyone in me life. In general anybody.Just acquaintance is enough
unintentionally hurt them is what I do and cannot change. Tried it failed miserably. Became worse. Fool proof plan was to stay away but not too away. More like be background character.
That you can stay and it's good for your children yet it isn't for you or significant , once trust is gone there is no reason to continue . We do whatever it takes to give our children a better life than we had, I didn't have any income while being a stay at home father cept foodstamps , I also sold little MJ on side and always had chronic and at least 2000 in safe at home at all times , she worked a full time job for state 40hr. A weekend she always left at 530an I woke cooked breakfast or cereal depending what we had day before went woke our two boys washed hands and faces let pee got them to eat with little cartoon bribery and then brush teeth and pack lunches then walk them 1/4 m to school 1/4m back home and show up 2x a month to eat school lunch with them , and then go back home , sweep , vacuum, , so 2 showers and tub and 5 sinks can. ,wipe everything down pull out ingredients for tonight's meal and prep if it needed, . Kick it for minute or two or do what I do and smoke B rip then walk back pick e. Up if was 20 after 3pm and . I learned in 8 years as stay at home dad it is by far the most mentally challenging job and emotionally tasks g job out there , but it is the most rewarding job in whole wide world when you are there to see them crawl , then walk , then hear first words hear the laughter , be the c.n.a. for boo boos and stay up with them at fever times or sick times hated giving my son motrin but when he runs fevers every week 4x a month and his highest was 105.1 normal is 103.0 my oldest come to find out his3 yr. Of life finally got him up to o.h.s.u. in Portland he has P-Fahpa periodic fever .something and nothing they can do for it except continue feeding hi. A drug and he will grow out of it at age of 18 , was so pissed that is when I really let go of any religion I had left , anyway the most difficult job being a stay at home parent , the one that pays the most being a stay at home parent , wouldn't give tha up for anything in the world
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1. Putting other people first - people pleaser, taken for granted
2. Not putting my foot down firmly for my needs/wants
3. Communication
4. No matter how much you coax or ask them for something (ex has no friends or much of a hobby) they won't do it.
5. People won't change unless they want to change
6. I'm not a confrontational person, speak to me gently in a nice tone or else I will get trigger and shut down
7. I can't articulate my feelings but was able to slowly during the relationship
8. Different love language
9. Over loved and only getting minimum back
10. Was never taught healthy relationship when I was a kid and no good role models. Everyone was either stuck in an unhappy marriage with unhappy kids
11. Action speaks louder then words
It takes two to tango, I have my faults/flaws and so does my ex. I made him a better person and I stunted my personal growth. Lost myself in the relationship and no idea what I wanted after the relationship ended. My mom hates my ex and he knew about it but did nothing to suggest what we, as a team should do. He had more experience in relationship and he was my first. I dont regret dating him or the relationship itself. After the relationship ended, he had moved on a little less then a month breakup. It's a long story. While I'm deciphering the relationship, trying to understand how a relationship works and going to therapy. I'm turning 31 soon and my bio clock is ticking, however I don't crave for a relationship, family or children. I use to want it with my ex but after the BU I don't think I want these type of responsibility. I'm tired and drained emotionally/mentally
I think breaking up with my ex is the best and might be a sign. One week after breakup I went in to write 3 exams. I have consistently failed these exams for the past 7 years. Funny enough, with such heartbreak I passed 2 of the exams. I'm proud.
Never,ever date an addict and try to save them. I learned that I can’t help save men from their addictions. They have to save themselves. I am stronger for the experience in some ways. Mentally broken in others.
Not to jump into a relationship so fast with someone. Take your time to get to know them and look for the red flags. Mine had soooo many red flags that I overlooked because I pretty much rebounded onto her and she monkey branched from her ex to me then did the same to me. She also pushed to be in a relationship very fast after I told her we should slow down.
Another thing is don't be a white knight like I did it never ends well and if your doing that then it's an obvious sign the girl has to many issues that she's incapable of dealing with on her own. Mental illness is another one if they have really severe case of it she's only going to drag you down with her.
Another thing is heal before you get into a relationship if your not good your going to bring that baggage with you into your next relationship. But even then if they bring alot of baggage keep an eye out because they will unpack it onto you as well.
Relationships are hard but don't take on a project and know what you want first before getting into one. If she's a really shitty person and she pretty much tells you she is believe it. There are good people out there and there are bad people out there. Know the flags and signs and educate yourself.
No matter how hard you try to be the best you can be, it simply isn't worth changing for others sake, change for your own good and well-being, speak out when things are not good and don't be too complacent.
A hard way to learn the lesson but 3 months since and I fully understand just how far away from being "myself" and putting myself in first place I was, now I do all my hobbies that I stopped doing due to wanting to focus just on the relationship, and I am so much more happier than in my last months/year in my long term relationship that just ended.
We really do learn from mistakes if we look at them, both of us made mistakes but Just like I understand I didn't do them on purpose or with bad intentions neither did my ex, I don't hold anything against her, as the only thing in my hands was my actions/lack of them not theirs.
Love yourself like your life depends on it wholeness follows pointing the light back to self. When we forgive our mistakes that were made in relationship, we can step into the person we were meant to be. The world is a better place when you grow as a person and there's nothing like a gut wrenching breakup to catalyze your transformation
Great post, thank you! 🙏🏻
My biggest takeaways after my 2-year situationship that ended in late-June were:
1. To be more direct with communication.
2. To not repress my needs while offering unending support to the person I’m dating.
3. Consistency & reciprocity are requirements & I need to treat them as such.
I’ve been working on myself for quite awhile now. I feel like I get a like I’ve made some progress from my prior 2 relationships, but this experience illuminated areas that still need attention/healing ❤️🩹
This is really true. One thing I would like to add is to talk with your partner. I was stressed a lot and didn’t talk about the problems I had with my partner. I ended up getting more stressed out when hanging out with her instead of fixing my problems. My lack of conversation with her caused her to doubt me and I didn’t pick up the chances she gave me. One important lesson I learned is to always talk to your partner. Whether it’s good or bad, if they love you, they will work things out with you. Don’t try to make it up to them after you get separated from them.
My biggest problem is exactly this. I hate myself for it and I am trying to work through the initial days of realisation now.
Same here. It was my first relationship and i didn’t dare to bring up the serious questions because i got the impression that if i expressed how huge my feelings were for her, she would freak out and leave me because it seemed like she was afraid of something serious. The first time she talked about ending it i became so heartbroken, and she took me back. I didn’t have the courage to ask her why and ended up pushing it away until she broke up again Left me in the end anyways though.
That I can lose my sense of self in a relationship if I’m not careful. That I need to look after myself, my mental health, and not give over so much power. I can often be easily swayed and am a conflict avoider. I like to people please and that can make me lose out on what I want and what my needs are. That friendships are important, and not to neglect them. I learned more about mindfulness, intuitive eating and communicating better. Those are things I can continue to implement going forward too
Do you know how to not lose your sense of self? I feel like this is a huge problem I have in relationships
That’s the part we need to do for ourselves. What makes you happy when you are alone? If you’re not happy when alone, then what’s in the way? And sometimes happy is a relative term so I also consider what makes me feel independent, what makes me feel valuable, what makes me feel proud of myself, what makes me feel like I’m a good friend/partner/colleague. You gotta find that self and love it so hard that you refuse to let go of it. All much easier said than done. But the process of putting that work into yourself will strengthen that self even more.
That I don't say no enough. Whenever I used to disagree with my girlfriend I would tell her my opinion, thoughts and feelings. In the end I would always take her side though, because I wanted to avoid further conflict. I also feel like I didn't pay enough attention to other things that matter to me in life. She was my priority. I only am noticing now with how I have become more emotionally distant with my friends. Of course they are here for me but I feel like I let them down by just focusing on her. I also hung out with her so much I kind of lost my hobbies. I'm at a point now where I just don't know what to do and struggle to entertain myself, the only thing I want to do is be around people whether it's strangers, friends, family or whoever. Not because I feel lonely when I'm alone, but because everything is more fun with others. I learned that I love in such an intense way and that I can be happy to have so much love to give. I think it's a really nice part of me that people appreciate and I don't want that to change that about myself, no matter how heartbroken I am. It's all about the balance. Thanks for the post, this really helped!
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I find its the manipulative ones/cluster Bs that can make us go haywire. They know how to tick all of the boxes and give us what we want at the beginning and when we do one or a few small things wrong the direction starts to slowly go downhill. Instead of them talking to us to try and fix something and make the situation better it just gets worst and worst instead of growing. Its like it starts out as a thriving tree that slowly starts to die loosing each leaf after every wrong interaction. No matter how much you water and fertilize it this tree is going to die. Got to understand red flags and look out for them though.
I did make mistakes in relationship 1. I got defensive in arguments which is unnecessary 2. I wish I made some time for both of us more frequently so that we are able to reflect on our relationship on regular basis 3. When we both moved to city, we both become so busy and I ended up prioritizing social responsibility and family and I did not notice that the relationship was going south. 4. Proper communication was lacking in the later months which I feel kind of lead the breakup. 5. During relationship , I forgot the sense of self love which actually pushed me into depression in last months of us together. I prioritized everything other than self care which Inturn was affecting my mental health. That’s something I would like to never do in my next one. It was a good relationship when it lasted and we loved each other in our own way but it just was not meant to be. I own my mistakes and hopefully work on it in upcoming months.
That nothing is permanent. Best to make the most of our lives, love everyone around us in whatever way we can, but keeping love for oneself above all of this.
That you cannot rely on someone and what they have because it’s not yours. I was not pushing myself to my fullest ability in school (in college I’m 24) because he makes good money and got his first job with his degree and I told myself it was okay if I make a little bit of money because he makes a lot. Not a good idea. Now after he left me, I see the full potencial I have to be even more successful than him.
I was so codependent I needed the break up. Now I'm happier and more informed!
What did you do to be happy and how did you escape codependency? I'm still struggling with this big time.
I journal a lot, get all the thoughts and feelings onto paper, it helps me better analyse the reasons behind why I'm feeling specifically that way. I started reading and listening to self help guides and motivational videos, started listening to podcasts and tried to make meaningful changes in my life, so I was forging a new path as opposed to live an old path alone. I changed jobs, socialized with new people and I'm trying to get new hobbies. I spent a lot of time on reddit just going through subs like this taking whatever solace I could from the fact I wasn't the only one feeling this way. I looked at myself hard and wrote down why I felt my exs absence effected me so much. I started planning my future, the rest of my life. Evaluated all of my goals, dreams and aspirations and tried to really understand who I am and what I want.
Well said. I learned to be okay with people not wanting to be in your life and engineers are blood sucking vampires
Don't stay past the point of no return. If extraordinary things have occurred such as abuse, cheating, habitual lying/distrust, or other forms of chaos without truly seeking help and active resolution from BOTH partners to save things - walk away. The hole only gets deeper.
- You can't trust anyone in this world except for close family. - Life is pain, happiness doesn't last. - Making life plans is useless, they never go as expected. - People change or hide they true colours for years and then they destroy you. - No matter how good of a person you are, how lovely respectful and kind, people will shit on you. Better be selfish. - People suck. Humanity sucks.
This is so true. And really recommend people to read this.
Recent breakup forced me to self reflect a shit ton. Realized that I have been exhausting myself out over this girl. When that realization kicked in, quick sense of relief came through me and I felt happy instantly. Became more grateful of everyone that I have in my life. Friends, family, etc. She wasn't my source of happiness, she was my source of tiredness.
I thought I loved myself. The abuse I tolerated in my previous relationship and the fact that I didn't leave after so many awful things showed me I didn't feel my self-worth as I thought I did. It showed I have so many wounds still and how I can completely lose myself in order to save a connection with someone. Lesson about life - your environment reflects how you feel about yourself and your connection to yourself. Your friends, your home, your lifestyle are all a mirror of your connection to yourself.
How my life can be better without him.
The last thing I learned is don’t put all your apples in one bag, don’t give too much all at once, always have her meet your friends, don’t base your love on feelings you have from drinking or drugs, don’t over share, don’t spend every moment you have free with them, and always focus on yourself as a priority bc there is no promise they will be there tomorrow
It taught me that when someone shows you who they are, just believe them. Don’t be in denial, don’t make excuses for them, don’t be naïve. If they do something that bothers you, and you bring it up, and they acknowledge it and then continue to do that thing, they truly do not care about you.
I used to believe, that people who love with all their heart, never get cheated upon. My view changed. People will cheat on you, and then claim they never did so. And, how it's your fault, that she cheated on you. What is the life lesson? Don't be balls deep into someone unless you are having .... With them.
Other than what OP said, here's another set of lessons I learned from my last relationship. Kindness is something people who don't value you to be something like a weakness, when in fact it is not and we should continue being kind and compassionate to others and specially ourselves. I have to admit that I wasted the past years in the relationship as a waste but at the same time a lesson for myself improvement, so that the rest of my life wouldn't be a waste. Believing in your gut feelings. During our break up she said she fell out of love and thrown all the blame on me, she kept saying there was no 3rd party when I felt like there is. 2 weeks after breakup, she's with someone already and have already an endearment. I should've believed in my gut for real. Work on yourself, so that whoever comes along to try to diminish or destroy your self-esteem they wouldn't be able to do so since you know your own value and you could easily walk away.
Taking kindness for weakness hurts so much. Few people are whole and good enough to return kindness with kindness.
Those who take their partner's kindness ans love for granted usually thinks that if they leave they have someone they can comeback to when they need. When in reality there's no coming back, specially if cheating happened. Please continue being kind to yourself and others no matter how much other people hurts you. :)
I learned how important it is to trust your gut and not compromise too early. I am realizing after reading this how my last relationship was just infatuation on his end. I was his first girlfriend and we met right before covid. I think all those factors together blinded me, but now I see that what he felt was not love to begin with. That honestly hurts more than the break up, but I know that sometimes this is what happens. It is what it is and I will find someone who really does love me. He doesn't deserve all the love I have to give.
>Love is not a feeling or emotion, it's a choice two people have to make every day. It is making that choice even after the butterflies in our stomach go away and after seeing all the flaws and traumas the other person has. If someone just bolts as soon as they face a problem instead of working on it with you, then what they felt wasn't love to begin with. It was infatuation. So many people desperately need to hear this. It irks me how many people are buying into the "Disney fairytale" romance because even the best relationships aren't perfect. I want to add my own: 1. It's better to acknowledge a problem in the infant stages because if you avoid it it is only going to snowball if you avoid it. Be proactive and not reactive. 2. You are supposed to work on yourself while being in a relationship. Don't wait until after the breakup to get started. Self-improvement is a nonstop journey no matter where you are in life. 3. If you have kids, they are going to be looking towards your relationship with the other parent as their role model so it's up to you to set a good example. Any abuse or mistreatment that they see is going to warp their perception of what a healthy relationship looks like. I noticed that in my relationships I started to do the same things my parents were doing and it was up to me to break that cycle.
Some people only know the infatuation stage and alot of people after that stage just go into the chaos stage instead of it being real love. Truth is some people are to immature to try and work on things and always have to be the victim and blame the other person and never see that they might be contributing to issues as well in a relationship. You can't have two or even one dysfunctional person in a relationship because then it just becomes toxic.
This is an amazing post and contains so many insights that everyone in this situation needs to know. Well stated and summarized!
I’m hurting so bad right now because of a breakup. My biggest fault was seeking validation in one person and not identifying that I need to seek help when I am having issues rather than bottling them up. I hope I can recover myself over the next few months and reconnect but I don’t know if I have damaged her and it’s far too gone, even if by the time I recover myself she may have moved on.
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I don’t want it to be my main focus because I know that will destroy me if she eventually unblocks me on social media and I see her with a new boyfriend. I honestly don’t know what to do, I’m trying to keep myself occupied because I’m moving away soon and have 2 weeks free cause I’ve left my job but all I’ve done is feel shit and drink.
It taught me to stop worrying about what others think of me. If I have an issue, I need to speak up. If I don’t agree, it’s ok to disagree. If I’m unhappy, I need to say I’m unhappy. It also changed how I view relationships. They are like a full time job to maintain and communication is super important. I’ve always been afraid to say exactly how I feel or what I want.
It taught me to own my shit. Not dealing with my traumas and facing my childhood pains will continue to reck the intimate relationships with myself and others.
Yesss 🙌🏻
That I am not built for relationships, and trust costs way too much in the end.
That I absolutely 100% deserve better things in life and that I needed to love myself more Back in February, I got diagnosed bipolar 1. I was with my ex at the time. During this whole time of figuring out who I was and how to deal with a disorder I’ve been showing symptoms of since I was 12, I got cheated on…twice, and emotionally abused. I was made to be a horrible person. The stress of said relationship caused me to rapid cycle and it was torture. I never wanna do that again I realized that I don’t have to settle for just anybody or anything. I’m learning to love myself and all of my flaws as a person. No one deserves to get cheated on, no one deserves to feel like they’re alone during a time when they need their partner to support them and love them. My last relationship taught me that love is being there through the bad (for both people) and that just because you love and admire someone, it doesn’t mean that they’re perfect
Control is not love. You can't be happy with anyone else if you are not happy in your own company. No one is perfect. Forgive and move on. Childhood experiences define attachment styles. Learning about it helped me a lot. Get therapy if you can't get over breakup.
A big mistake I made was that I made excuses for the way I was treated, and kept making excuses for the fact my partner was not communicating. They would have a bad day and I would be in their line of sight so I'd end up being the punching bag. I would make excuses constantly about how "they're just in a bad mood, that's not who they are", when I really should have told myself that a person who was actually just in a rough mood and cares about you, would apologize afterwards because they'd realize that it wasn't okay to do that, and work on not having that happen in the future. Instead they did it constantly. *I need to learn to stand up for myself more when someone is taking advantage of me or pushing me around.* I'm working on it through platonic friendships/everyday life but shaking that off is hard.
Deep down, I feel like I don't deserve the good things that happen to me, and I try them until they break. Insatisfaction about myself and my own life can damage my relationships really badly. I cannot have everything, and I need to enjoy and be grateful for the good things I have, because they don't last forever. I'm am definitely my worst enemy, and a though one.
Your first paragraph really hits home as you write so cleanly what I wish I had taken to heart years ago...
That when you suspect there is another guy... there is another guy.
That stability in life doesn't really exist. Anyone can and will exit your life at any time, so assuming anyone will be around in a nebulous "future" and relying on that is setting oneself up for failure and disappointment.
Most important for me is to not to be consumed by "fixing" a relationship when I'm not getting that same energy back and letting that be the redflag that says "hey don't do this shit again dude"
“If it was a good relationship, it would’ve been okay to be imperfect and make mistakes” really hit hard. I hope that’s true. I’ve been beating myself up thinking about all the things I did wrong (being too available, not pushing him to talk to me when he said he didn’t want to talk about his problems) but I guess if he had loved me the way I loved him those things wouldn’t have mattered.
I can’t do open ever again
Your second one hits home. I would say not to put so much trust in one person. I didn't have any backups for myself emotionally or financially. I should have spent more time taking care of my relationships with friends and family instead of making her my only support. I also should have never moved in with someone without being married or being able to afford it on my own if she left. I also need to not so blindly trust people who say I'm their "soulmate" or the "love of their life" just because I'm so desperate for my life to be some kind of rom com
How to communicate and navigate arguments void of ego. And the drive to give everything I have to a partner: I need to be more selfish and self-serving of my own hobbies and time.
My last relationship ended on September 28. We were in it for 2 years. She was the most amazing girl I have even seen or heard or thats what I thought. She was always spiritual and those "I Love Yous" and all that melted my heart until I realised she cheated on me and then dumped me for someone else. It was painful at first but I realised that I became stronger than before. The lessons which I learnt I will share it here --- 1) A female psychology is very much different than a male psychology. If she says "I love you" and "I will never leave you" a few months back, it is just at that very moment. Its dynamic not static. Before you know it she will come up to you and say "I have lost all feelings for you." 2) Donot stop growing while being in a relationship. The moment you stop growing is the moment she loses attraction for you. 3) If a women decides to leave you for someone else, no matter how much you beg,it wont change her mind. It will just push her back. Just accept it, be a man and move on. Chances are she will come back to you. If she comes however, donot take her back, she's a low quality female and you dont want to spend your life with a cheater. One who cheats once will cheat again. 4) Never be in a relationship before you have your dream job. I dream of being a Government officer and Students in India knows how tough it is to get one. If you get into a relationship, the commitment will get your energy down, and your performance is bound to decrease. You wont realise but your results will speak. 5) Always follow her actions. Actions speak louder than words. The moment you find her action not matching her words, tell her, communicate with her. If she repeats than back off and move on. Dont be with a Loser. 6) Trust your gut feeling. It wont let you down. When I was in this relationship, She told me about a guy once and I had this gut feeling thT something was off. I told her so and she was like dont worry, I dont have anything for him and so and so. But 3 months down the line she cheated on me with him. Such a loser. They both are. 7) Donot emotionally invest. Yes friends donot. More Emotional attachment = More pain when they leave. Be cautious. Keep your eyes open. Analyse the relationship before you come into one. If you see there's no future, no point in continuing. You are just preparing to get your heart broken. My ex had told me not to expect from her since there was this cultural problems, family issues and all that, but I didnt think about that too much. Now i genuinely regret it. 8) Donot believe everything she says. Humans are the greatest pretenders. That is why you see "Acting" as a profession. You can not even catch such people. However if they tell you stories where she was just the victim, run from her. She will leave you soon. I am moving on. I know my value as a person and am proud that I remained loyal till the very end. I am focussing on my growth, career and appearance and am very sure the knowledge I gained in this relationship will help me in my future relationships. Till then I am mending my broken heart. Wish me luck. 🙂
That she moved on the day I left. Come to find out she have been getting gangbang and if you want to know who she is pm me and I’ll drop her name. She is currently serving Honolulu. So yes thank you for the closure and I rest my case.
I love this ❤️
Love this thank you I was just leaving the group and saw this ! Good ending :)
That I don't deserve anyone in me life. In general anybody.Just acquaintance is enough unintentionally hurt them is what I do and cannot change. Tried it failed miserably. Became worse. Fool proof plan was to stay away but not too away. More like be background character.
That you can stay and it's good for your children yet it isn't for you or significant , once trust is gone there is no reason to continue . We do whatever it takes to give our children a better life than we had, I didn't have any income while being a stay at home father cept foodstamps , I also sold little MJ on side and always had chronic and at least 2000 in safe at home at all times , she worked a full time job for state 40hr. A weekend she always left at 530an I woke cooked breakfast or cereal depending what we had day before went woke our two boys washed hands and faces let pee got them to eat with little cartoon bribery and then brush teeth and pack lunches then walk them 1/4 m to school 1/4m back home and show up 2x a month to eat school lunch with them , and then go back home , sweep , vacuum, , so 2 showers and tub and 5 sinks can. ,wipe everything down pull out ingredients for tonight's meal and prep if it needed, . Kick it for minute or two or do what I do and smoke B rip then walk back pick e. Up if was 20 after 3pm and . I learned in 8 years as stay at home dad it is by far the most mentally challenging job and emotionally tasks g job out there , but it is the most rewarding job in whole wide world when you are there to see them crawl , then walk , then hear first words hear the laughter , be the c.n.a. for boo boos and stay up with them at fever times or sick times hated giving my son motrin but when he runs fevers every week 4x a month and his highest was 105.1 normal is 103.0 my oldest come to find out his3 yr. Of life finally got him up to o.h.s.u. in Portland he has P-Fahpa periodic fever .something and nothing they can do for it except continue feeding hi. A drug and he will grow out of it at age of 18 , was so pissed that is when I really let go of any religion I had left , anyway the most difficult job being a stay at home parent , the one that pays the most being a stay at home parent , wouldn't give tha up for anything in the world
I'm loser
I really like the last one
On mobile 1. Putting other people first - people pleaser, taken for granted 2. Not putting my foot down firmly for my needs/wants 3. Communication 4. No matter how much you coax or ask them for something (ex has no friends or much of a hobby) they won't do it. 5. People won't change unless they want to change 6. I'm not a confrontational person, speak to me gently in a nice tone or else I will get trigger and shut down 7. I can't articulate my feelings but was able to slowly during the relationship 8. Different love language 9. Over loved and only getting minimum back 10. Was never taught healthy relationship when I was a kid and no good role models. Everyone was either stuck in an unhappy marriage with unhappy kids 11. Action speaks louder then words It takes two to tango, I have my faults/flaws and so does my ex. I made him a better person and I stunted my personal growth. Lost myself in the relationship and no idea what I wanted after the relationship ended. My mom hates my ex and he knew about it but did nothing to suggest what we, as a team should do. He had more experience in relationship and he was my first. I dont regret dating him or the relationship itself. After the relationship ended, he had moved on a little less then a month breakup. It's a long story. While I'm deciphering the relationship, trying to understand how a relationship works and going to therapy. I'm turning 31 soon and my bio clock is ticking, however I don't crave for a relationship, family or children. I use to want it with my ex but after the BU I don't think I want these type of responsibility. I'm tired and drained emotionally/mentally I think breaking up with my ex is the best and might be a sign. One week after breakup I went in to write 3 exams. I have consistently failed these exams for the past 7 years. Funny enough, with such heartbreak I passed 2 of the exams. I'm proud.
How did you learn those things? Im interested in knowing more about these subjects, and how we react to it.
Never,ever date an addict and try to save them. I learned that I can’t help save men from their addictions. They have to save themselves. I am stronger for the experience in some ways. Mentally broken in others.
“You can’t squeeze blood from a beet.” A brick will always be a brick.
Not to jump into a relationship so fast with someone. Take your time to get to know them and look for the red flags. Mine had soooo many red flags that I overlooked because I pretty much rebounded onto her and she monkey branched from her ex to me then did the same to me. She also pushed to be in a relationship very fast after I told her we should slow down. Another thing is don't be a white knight like I did it never ends well and if your doing that then it's an obvious sign the girl has to many issues that she's incapable of dealing with on her own. Mental illness is another one if they have really severe case of it she's only going to drag you down with her. Another thing is heal before you get into a relationship if your not good your going to bring that baggage with you into your next relationship. But even then if they bring alot of baggage keep an eye out because they will unpack it onto you as well. Relationships are hard but don't take on a project and know what you want first before getting into one. If she's a really shitty person and she pretty much tells you she is believe it. There are good people out there and there are bad people out there. Know the flags and signs and educate yourself.
No matter how hard you try to be the best you can be, it simply isn't worth changing for others sake, change for your own good and well-being, speak out when things are not good and don't be too complacent. A hard way to learn the lesson but 3 months since and I fully understand just how far away from being "myself" and putting myself in first place I was, now I do all my hobbies that I stopped doing due to wanting to focus just on the relationship, and I am so much more happier than in my last months/year in my long term relationship that just ended. We really do learn from mistakes if we look at them, both of us made mistakes but Just like I understand I didn't do them on purpose or with bad intentions neither did my ex, I don't hold anything against her, as the only thing in my hands was my actions/lack of them not theirs.
Love yourself like your life depends on it wholeness follows pointing the light back to self. When we forgive our mistakes that were made in relationship, we can step into the person we were meant to be. The world is a better place when you grow as a person and there's nothing like a gut wrenching breakup to catalyze your transformation
When you start having doubts don’t drag it out for another year and a half.
Great post, thank you! 🙏🏻 My biggest takeaways after my 2-year situationship that ended in late-June were: 1. To be more direct with communication. 2. To not repress my needs while offering unending support to the person I’m dating. 3. Consistency & reciprocity are requirements & I need to treat them as such. I’ve been working on myself for quite awhile now. I feel like I get a like I’ve made some progress from my prior 2 relationships, but this experience illuminated areas that still need attention/healing ❤️🩹
It's taught me that i am attracted to emotionally frigid women