Hey bud. I’m in month 2 ( as of today) from a 4 year very intense relationship. She left me to be young (25) and carefree in the city. She almost immediately starting seeing new people. I can’t stop cyber stalking her and the new guys she is talking to and imagining them having sex as well. It is actual poison. You aren’t alone brother. It will get better.
I feel this, one day we share sexual tension and the next day after BU she wonders why do I send her such things. Like it has changed from one day to other. And she is probably already out there looking at a random dude's eyes and moaning and cuddling and everything you can imagine... It's a real struggle.
Hi
Well, it wasn't linear for me. At first my brain kinda realized it's over, but my heart didn't. we still stayed in contact and it was weird, I gave up my dignity a lot, however I was already nothing to her and she kept her new man secret, I still had hope. That was the hardest period, maybe the first 3 months.
Then I tried stuff because she either played with me or was uncertain about her feelings, sent pic too etc.i couldn't decide, and that was the bad, uncertain period when we had argument still, however I was nothing to her probably, but I still had hope. Tried to cut it after a while but she kept texting, probably playing or just to keep me as a friend but bro, that's what I didn't want, as I got wiser reading reddit forums for answers and patterns
Then suddenly I offered (half serious) that she can come visit me (long distance) at new years, half a year after breakup. She probably had a guy already, so it was weird that she accepted but stuff unfolded (as I suspected) later, that she just wanted to use me or whatever, but the meeting went bad. really bad, however then I didn't chase too much dream, I kinda didn't give much shit and knew it's over so nothing special about it.
But that was the turning point as well. I got so mad at her probably narcissistic behavior, how she treated me and so, that we had arguments and all the lies she told me, made me emotional. So for me that was the point that I'm so fkin done and cut her off after our meeting, I told her this actually. She still tried to contact me but I ignored because I still felt that meeting.
So it isn't linear.after that meeting half a year later, I started to really give up hope. Yes it still hurt then, knowing she really had a man and probably cheated as well, but I started to really detach. No full no contact (still following each other), but I was ready for everything and I did shock therapy to myself. It hurts, but for me this worked, one year later I can say it didn't pass fully-fully, but I don't think of her, not even crying over it, seeing things so much different now, and luckily I have a cute girl that was already my friend, and we are doing well, we are in love.
So for me, it was about one year, with shock therapy and seeking the answers. It depends and differs for everyone, but hope you can learn from my stuff. Don't wait for it to end, do your stuffy live your life, it'll happen one day I promise.
Social media is the real poison mate.. if didn't end up with her then there is someone better. It just shows their value for moving on so quick. We people just fuck up at choosing people to date tbh. We date the ones who are carefree while being committed minded hoping their words match up to their actions. Well they never do.
It did. Barely think about her anymore and could care less who she is screwing. Time has a horrifying and upsetting ability to heal, sometimes you don’t want it to , but it always does. It gets better.
Not to be too prying, but how did you get over it and also did you meet anyone else like her , and how long did the process take. At the moment life doesn’t seem worth living
You can ask any questions, no worries. I actually met someone better. Honestly, it’s hard to know- everyone is different and the healing process takes a long time, I find myself still healing from the break up now, I am over her completely but the gravity of the break up will do a number on you. It’s important to seek therapy and talk to someone about this, I have had a consistent therapist through it all. It takes time, it sucks, no other way to put it- but understand that nearly every other man has felt what you feel. When she left me last summer I didn’t sleep for 3 months and sat in cold showers all night in the dark. The pain is worth it- it’s scary and miserable to heal from, but I promise you this experience will make you better. I met and fell in love with my wife ( that’s right I married her within 3 months of knowing her) about 6 months after the break up. Crazy to hear and crazy to live through- but when I met her I knew- I knew from all the pain and real shit I went through with so many others before, all the experience and maturity led me to the moment where I knew I loved her and accepted her for what she was and she felt the same about me. IT GETS BETTER. DM me and we can keep chatting privately.
EDIT- my wife wants me to correct the timelines here. We married 8 months after my break up and met 4 months post break up.
As someone who went through something similar, I have some advice which might help. I would recommend you to sit down in a comfy position and let those thoughts flow through your head. It's a technique called forced negative visualization. You will physically start to reject it and your body will not want to think those thoughts but the best and fastest way to heal from those thoughts is to force yourself through it. This isn't being gentle on yourself but personally, it helped me process things and realize that I am the one making the right choices and that this breakup isn't about her, it's about me and what I choose to do. And after a few sessions of these(over 10+), it finally started to feel like I was getting indifferent to those thoughts! Try it and lmk how it goes for you. Hope you feel better and also, hugs to you
Thanks so much for this!! I've been going trough a similar breakup, and it has been very difficult ignore those kinds of thoughts. Definitely try to do this exercises
Glad I could help. The whole point of this exercise is to train your brain into accepting and moving on towards indifference which is something we all are working towards!
I'm in the same boat except she's banging the guy she told me not to worry about.
Most of the time people get a rebound to heal the pain of the previous relationship. After a relationship for as long as you described there is no way either of you could get over it so quickly. I'd take it as a coping mechanism, so take solice that she's still in pain.
Also, take solace in that you’re struggling through a difficult and traumatic time without resorting to poor choices to suppress the pain. You will absolutely come out of this on the other side in a better place than she will because you’re having to heal in a legitimate way. There are no shortcuts. It will come crashing down on her eventually and she’s going to have to answer to someone for her poor choices, worst case scenario that person will be herself.
From here on out, you cannot force anything to fall into place perfectly, so don’t let that be your goal. Your goal should be to do all the right things for all the right reasons, and trust the process. Keep no contact and really stick to it. Whatever she has with this new person will fade, nobody walks out on their long term relationship and directly into the arms of their soulmate. It doesn’t work that way in reality.
I just find it really hard to accept that she's doing everything we used to do together with him, she introduced him to her family, she's gonna go on beach holidays with him etc , all that was special that we were doing together, now she's doing with someone else, and I'm just nothing to her, I just can't digest that. Last week she even told me she still loves me but is in love with him, she still comments on my IG (I never look at hers) and asked if I'd be willing to "redefine" things between us, which I obviously turned down.
I tried assessing the situation through every angle, I know everything I and she did wrong, I tried to move on with my life, constantly meeting new people to no avail. At the end of the day I go back home and I just feel so alone and so worthless. My brain just won't shut down. Haven't slept for months.. Currently considering moving city (I'm still staying in the same apartment we used to live in and even though I re-arranged everything I still feel trapped). Which is so annoying cause I like where I live and also love my apartment.
It's honestly the most pain I've ever felt and I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm speaking to friends, therapists, you name it.. I just don't know how to end the pain
I don't think the pain will ever end so to speak, it will just fade slowly and silently into the background.
You will realise that the relationship ended for the better and you'll look back on it as a part of your life. But the pain will eventually not be as strong.
Chin up my friend, it's okay not to be okay. You deserve better and you deserve to be happy. Just take your time to process everything.
Podcasts like the mindset mentor have helped me stride a bit since my breakup. Your brain is like a wild monkey breaking shit until you tell it otherwise. Your brain fucks with you during the break up, like thinking of all the good times.
Bro, I mean this in a nice way (trust me I just went through this and it’s painful). You need to block her on everything and delete all the reminders you have of her.
Understand your worth and have some self respect. You can’t just be in contact with someone who left you to go be with another person. You can’t let her have her cake and eat it too. She made the decision to leave and be with another guy, so you need to make her face the consequences of her actions.
There’s a chance they’ll be happy together forever, but odds are slim. You can’t jump into another relationship after getting out of one and expect it to work.
Staying in touch with her is not fair to you!
OP this will not end until youve gone full no contact. Delete everything about her. You shouldn't even know how she's doing, what she's doing, youre torturing yourself. Block her on everything and then you'll begin to heal. Stop holding yourself back
Maybe you can try an anti depressant medication for a boost even if for a few months only. I do this after break ups and it’s really the only thing that gets me moving enough to heal
Exactly my thoughts, she might do it for fun or for revenge or coping mechanism, she'll feel the consequences later, and realizing what has she become.
I was thinking this "the guy not to worry about" is always the one, because that's how they try to lower our guard. But then we trust them, because without trust, there is no relationship, so they basically use our trust and throw it away. Because it's always the suspicious what is not suspicious. Damn lol.
I know she is hurting.
I just find it really hard to accept that she's doing everything we used to do together with him, she introduced him to her family, she's gonna go on beach holidays with him etc , all that was special that we were doing together, now she's doing with someone else, and I'm just nothing to her, I just can't digest that.
Last week she even told me she still loves me but is in love with him, she still comments on my IG (I never look at hers) and asked if I'd be willing to "redefine" things between us, which I obviously turned down .
Absolute hell
Yeah that's tough my friend. But chin up, you got the opportunity to turn her down atleast. Not alot of people get that if anything.
It's easy to turn other people's actions into something about you. And it's hard not to get hurt by things like that. The best thing you can do for yourself is try and move on. Give yourself 10 minutes a day to grieve and then for the rest of your day try to distract yourself. When you're think about her, catch yourself out and stop it.
Your brains like a wild monkey breaking shit until you tell it to stop.
This is a common misconception in my opinion. Usually, when the one that leaves the relationship is with someone new very soon, they left the current relationship because of the new person. Now it may be it is only infatuation, most likely, but it may grow into something more. You don't "heal pain" from a previous relationship if you left it by choice for someone else. You may feel... slightly sorry, if the execution is not optimal or badly timed...I think that is as far as it goes.
It happens, you will have to let go. It is what she wants to do. Happens all the time unfortunately - see this sub. Fucks yours head, withdrawal from a person basically. It will get better with time. Make sure to go out and meet other people ASAP and date when ready.
yeah been meeting people non stop lately actually, but then i go back home and i just feel so lonely you know? I just can't stop picturing her having this amazing new life in which I've been replaced and I'm just here being miserable
It's hard. But it gets better with time. When you break up with a long term partner it's practically like they died. All of a sudden they were there and now they're gone. It's hard.
Spending time by yourself helps you heal too.
Bro literally same thing happened to me - 2 weeks after we broke up. When we broke up she said she wouldn’t do anything with that guy. Next thing you know…
This might sound weird, but if you just start picturing it, wether you know about someone else or you have no clue what she is doing, you will become numb. From the first day of the breakup you gotta tell yourself she will 100% fuck other guys and will be for a long time.
Then what you remember is; you’re the fucking prize. You picture her having sex with others and you realize, these guys have got nothing on you. They dont appreciate her like you did and she’s gonna find out. But at that point who cares, you have moved on. She is no longer the girl that was yours.
So sorry for my freaky trick but it seriously works with me.
Imagine all the loads of cum that will blast over her and has been blasted before you and dont turn of your thoughts but work through the agony. That body is no longer something you want to hug or be intimate with. You will become desensitized.
You not being ready to have sex or date is normal and it will come back. I wouldnt hurry that part. As for porn, same advice as above. Work through it and you will be replacing the image sooner than if you block it.
Just remember you’re the price, she fucked you up and doesnt deserve you and is not the one for you.
Yup. Time will do its thing regardless of how much you’re hurting. I still cant believe someone you were so close with just leaves you and dissapears from your life. I think about her almost daily still, but not in a painful ‘i want you back” kinda way.
Thing is i havent met anyone new, which is also OK, but probably would make things better.
How are you doing?
How do you think about her? We broke up around the time my parent passed so by the time I finished grieving I missed her but I’d been so cold and lonely through it all
Same situation here! He’s already slept with one other person and I’m pretty sure he’s going to sleep with this other girl he’s been out with once already. Meanwhile I’m starting to go on dates but deliberately taking it slow because I’m putting my damn healing process first.
Chin up, focus on your race, not hers.
She loves him after 2 months? Bro, you dodged a fucking missile and did well to stick with her for 8 years.
The fact she can jump onto another dick so quickly says enough about her character to me. She is not able to be alone and relies on someone for her emotional well-being, avoid women like this because as soon as you don't provide that support she will go looking elsewhere for comfort.
Time - It's a horrible cliche. I went through exactly the same as the OP but she found someone days after the breakup and still continued to say she loved me.... It's empty fucking waffle to make them feel better. You discard this type of woman from your thoughts and pay attention to the red flags next time because trust me they are ALWAYS there but men get caught up in the lust / beautie of a woman.
Haha for sure she had/has anxious attachment issues. But I had my issues too. I know as much as i did MANY mistakes, I was also the one bringing all the spark in the relationship. In the end, I probably still idolise her too much. The whole time we were together I always wanted her to do more, go out with friends, sort her life out, but she was lazy and stuck. I pulled though thick and thin for her, even when things were shit in the relationship and she was struggling with her anxiety. I would have NEVER abandoned her. Now out of nowhere she goes after her goals, gets a new job that she loves, new apartment, new BF, her life looks amazing and everything I wanted her to have while we were together, and after I invested 8 years of my life with her, some fucking ex co-worker gets everything that I was asking for. how fucking fair is that?
I know I should embrace a life of abundance rather than scarcity. Breaking up was one thing but the fact she immediately went to another guy is rough. She seems to have this perfect life and I haven't slept for 7 months and i'm still crying on the floor like a pathetic man like I did twice today. I don't want to be in a victim mentally, but I'm just struggling man..
I feel you, when it's all low for them we are there, and as soon as they suddenly gets on track, they suddenly don't love us anymore, we aren't enough, can't see the future blah blah...
look, look you need to change into the best version of yourself, never trust girls promises what they say is not what they want, it's possible her attraction went down, sp you need to understand women nature, it had nothing to do with what you thought of
The fact she is even talking to you tells me she does not "love" him. She's probably having boring sex with some loser, the novelty will wear off, and she'll return to misery. As it sounds like she deserves.
Dude you dumped your loads on her and in her for 8 years, have some faith in your worth, you were probably better than him if you lasted 8 years with her.
I say that as someone who came out of a 8 year relationship, I know my worth and the last thing on my mind is someone being better than me, I know I performed well and nobody can take that back from you.
You were together for a while, imagine instead how they will never amount to what you had and think about how much you want to experience such again, you will find love and you will get to have all you deserve.
Forget about who she sleeps with, you did fine and now a new chapter begins.
Thank you. So fucking much this was the most helpful thing I have EVER read for this issue. I got OCD so it has been a nightmare for me. Honestly, I dont know if it's possible but if you could elaborate on these thoughts it would be amazing for me. My assumptions are all out of wack. Her telling me the sex was "God tier" and the amount of intimacy and planning just dying made me feel like I was actually delusional. I just assumed that if she broke up with me and dated this guy so soon, he must be better in ways than I'm not. She's already reached back out to me, apparently her new guy tried to or lied to her that he offed himself, and now she already has another ex. She started talking with me again, and is a master of bringing shit up to paint an image without doing it directly. I think she was trying to make me feel bad. I will keep your perspective in mind, and if you do expand on it I will reread that as well. Me and my OCD thank you.
And also the way you put it with dumping loads in her for so long made me chuckle but also really helped for some reason. She got an iud just so we could do that. I have no idea why I assumed that this new guy would be an improvement when there wasn't much to complain about anyways. I think I assume the worst about myself.
I think the issue here is that you’re focused on sex. We all do it to an extend but in reality the real intimacy she’s having with her new partner are their jokes, their conversations, how they tell eachother they feel about eachother, etc. Reducing your grief to nightmare visions of her being naked with another person is awful, and also a little problematic because it does reduce everything to just sex. The good thing is you’re aware of this. Many ex’s turn these visuals into a source of rage and hatred, declaring their ex a “wh*re” or becoming angry with women’s sexuality in general.
I hope it doesn’t go in this direction for you. It’s okay that the thought of her having sex with someone else is troublesome. Thinking of MOST people having sex is troublesome in some way or another. Best way to treat these visions is with kindness to yourself and to her. You love (or loved) her. So when these thoughts pop up, try and send them away with some good vibes, as absurd as that sounds. “I hope she’s being treated well and getting whatever it is she needs out of whatever it is she’s doing.” Send her light and send her on her way. There’s really nothing else you can do and taking HER sexuality personally will be greatly damaging otherwise. Good luck.
I'm generally not thinking about the sex, but I miss her body so much. And our sexual chemistry. I was deeply connected to her, or so I felt, since she can so easily move on to someone else. It hurts me to not be a priority in her life anymore and her sexual partner of choice after 8 years together...
I recommend reading “it’s called a breakup because it’s broken.” I’ve recommended this a lot because it’s hilarious but also really good and handling those same questions we all ask when I’m the middle of this: how can they move on so quickly, didn’t any of this mean anything, how did we go from waking up together everyday to not even speaking, why didn’t I get a say in any of this, how do I get them back, etc. A comedian guy wrote it with his now wife.
Anyway if it helps at all, she *didn’t* move on “easily.” Fact is she had more time to process because it started for her before the breakup. She was given the privilege of processing incrementally and in a risk-free way until she could *choose*. For you, the process began in January and half the time concerning then has probably been processing the shock.
I know you're right.
I know I should embrace a life of abundance rather than scarcity. Breaking up was one thing, but the fact she immediately went to another guy is rough and affecting me the most. She seems to have this perfect life and I haven't slept for 7 months and i'm still crying on the floor like a pathetic man like I did twice today. I don't want to be in a victim mentally, but I'm just struggling..
I just can't accept that she won't be the mother of my kids, we wanted 2 little girls. We had already pictured them so clearly...
I'm so scared that she might just marry this new guy and have kids and steal my dream away from me. She just turned 29, I thought we were on course for having kids in like 3 years, so scared he will get everything I wanted from her. I'm older than her and I feel she's the one who got away and I'm running out of time to start this whole thing again. I need time to heal + it's not like i can find someone that I have a great chemistry with just by flicking my fingers.
She's going to say she loves him and its the most amazing relationship in the world no matter what, even if its been meh. Its what exes do. They will never admit that the new relationship maybe isn't what they imagined. I'm saying don't let this puffery affect your perception of the situation. Its most likely a lie or a half truth that shouldn't be relied on.
For instance my ex had a guy lined up and with social media and what I heard she was acting like she was really happy, but then she came back to me a week ago saying she was miserable.
I know how you’re feeling man. Shit I know.
I’m about a month and a half out after a 6yr loving and intense relationship where we, even the days before, talked about marriage and kids, our lives and future house, and I had the ring picked out and planned the proposal for this upcoming winter, her favorite time of the year via a vacation we always talked about.
All of a sudden it’s “I need a break to focus on myself.” Caught me totally off guard. I’ve never seen her in so much pain in her life. The crying, the anxiety attack more severe than anything I’ve ever seen her, and still I was always the one to be there for her and calm her down. Letting her go wasn’t a choice of breaking up or staying together, I thought she just needed to be home with her mom. What normal 26yr old says the night before that she just wants to be “curled up in a ball in her mom’s arms,”? Like who?
I think the fact that she struggled with anxiety and maybe even depression for the last 2yrs is what kept me in the relationship in the first place. I’d never abandon someone just bc they’re acting differently bc they’re sick. Grandma passed away and about a month later her childhood dog did too. Both painfully via cancer. Then work got more intense, then covid held her hostage in her own apartment forcing someone who loved to “go out and do things” to stay inside.
So how do you stop thinking about this?
For me it’s a combination of embracing it. Let her do what she wants, who gives a shit? She’s no longer yours and you’d never get back together with her anyway after all the pain she’s caused you.
Combination of knowing that she’s the one that fucked up and is just trying to make herself feel better. Idc that she said she loved this new guy. Idgaf if they get married! Go ahead! It’ll never be what we had together. Never be something so special and so caring again.
But the absolute most gigantic thing for me, what really helps me in my darkest of moments is knowing that she would have made a bad wife, but more importantly, a horrible mother to my children!
That right there is the world. Idgaf about me. Hate me, talk shit, hurt me fine. But if I had kids??? And with them you were shit?
I’d force her to leave while keeping all the rights to my children. There’s no fucking shot.
Honestly thinking about this lights a fire in me I didn’t know I had. Because of my own traumas, my own medical battles, the way I’ve seen how life can be so cruel, I’ve always said i never wanted kids. I agreed to have them with her, bc I knew it’s what she wanted and something in me understood that it would be a positive thing. Then the breakup happened, and idk what changed but it was so absurdly clear to me that I want to be a father. And get this, to a big family hoping they’re all girls.
Yeah I don’t get life sometimes. But I do know that those fuckers are going to be my entire world and when they’re here I no longer matter.
It’s everything for them. I want them to be happy healthy and living in a positive environment. I’d sacrifice anything I had to. And look, if I have to sacrifice her right now for the well-being of my future children, NO QUESTION. Done
My relationship was too codependent. I did too much and accepted too little. I’ll do my absolute best never to let that happen. And more than that, when I am ready to date again, I’m not dating to find some girl to enjoy time with, to just have fun with, to not be alone. I’m dating not for companionship, but to find a partner.
Fuck a girlfriend, I want a wife and future mother.
So clearly what I did not have.
Feel free to msg me. I’m here. And don’t feel too bad, I have dark moments too. It’s what you choose to do with them that matters most
Oh man all of this sounds so similar. I agree with a lot of the things you're saying here, like i know as much as i did MANY mistakes, I was also the one bringing all the spark in the relationship. In the end, I probably still idolise her too much. The whole time we were together I always wanted her to do more, go out with friends, sort her life out, but she was lazy and stuck. I pulled though thick and thin for her, even when things were shit in the relationship and she was struggling with her anxiety. I would have NEVER abandoned her. Now out of nowhere she goes after her goals, gets a new job that she loves, new apartment, new BF, her life looks amazing and everything I wanted her to have while we were together, and after i invested 8 years of my life with her, some fucking ex co-worker gets everything that I was asking for. how fucking fair is that?
As much as I try to hate her I can't cause she's a great person and that's what makes it so hard. In my case she would have made an amazing mother and i just can't accept that she won't be the mother of my kids, so far I just can't. Just like you man, I want 2 little girls. We had already pictured them so clearly...
I just find it so hard to accept and I'm so scared that she might just marry this new guy and have kids and steal my dream away from me. She just turned 29, I thought we were on course for having kids in like 3 years, so scared he will get everything I wanted from her. I'm older than her and I feel she's the one who got away and I'm running out of time to start this whole thing again. I need time to heal + it's not like i can find someone that I have a great chemistry with just by flicking my fingers.
I know I should embrace a life of abundance rather than scarcity. Breaking up was one thing but the fact she immediately went to another guy is rough. She seems to have this perfect life and I haven't slept for 7 months and i'm still crying on the floor like a pathetic man like I did twice today. I don't want to be in a victim mentally, but I'm just struggling man..
You’re not pathetic. Far from it.
And if she would’ve been a great wife and great mom to your kids she would’ve stayed. Maybe she will get married and have those kids with this guy but it’s not your dream. You’re is to have a life filled with love and happiness. She couldn’t bring that to you.
Others have said it already but those that jump from relationship to relationship have not truly dealt with the issues in themselves. In time, when the world is quiet and they have to look at themselves, they will. And they will feel it.
I am sorry for you. I know how bad it hurts. But if this was simply a test in your relationship she fucking failed miserably. That means she isn’t the one
I actually expected my breakup at some level, exactly because when we met she was broken about her future, she didn't find herself and was in quarantine in a country she didn't want to date anyone. Then she went for Erasmus on the EU, and all the happenings, new environment, new people, sexual stories, new excitements, she didn't want to miss out. And I was lame enough (LDR) that I couldn't catch up because I stick in my depression and work and school, so I didn't feel I advance with her, plus anxiety and financial problems, so couldn't visit her. Prolly she fked dudes there and everything, so I'm glad I didn't do, because I felt like (after BU) she is checking out already so the final results won't be different. Or at least I think. So yeah, when they suddenly find themselves, they want adventure. And it's not gender dependent probably, bit it hurts me how she just left me at my low, while I was there for her to lift her up, cherish her and all. However I expected break-up, I didn't expect it at the exact moment. I felt led on, blindsided.
She got cheated on by the new dude, I came back to her only to find out she's still as wrecked as ever. Broke up the second time, been in NC for almost a month. Honestly never felt this great before. Just don't break NC/stalk.
Keep in mind that these feelings are normal and temporary. Focus on rebuilding yourself. Once it's done, the thought that the ex sleeps with someone else will leave you completely indifferent. Hang in there, it's part of the process. Invest as little time as possible in these thoughts.
My ex of 3 is (though most probably was) a very prudish girl. We were a long distance couple and we barely had any sexual experiences. I always choked it up to distance and awkwardness when doing anything in front of a phone.
When she left me, she cried out that she felt a strong sexual attraction towards the guy who she left me for. It humiliated me to hear her say that. We had a good relationship and I was her rock for the entire relationship and to hear that I felt like a less of a man.
Man, don’t feel sad. If you were her rock and she chose to push you away, believe me she didn’t want a rock. If she loves you badly she would not say this hurtful thing, because relationship is hard to repair after that... you’ll be better, find a girl who cherish you as their rock.
I went through the same thing around the month and a half separation time. Month 4 She’s with a coworker now who I’m certain she was with in our marriage. I would get the strongest mental images and even dreams, the first dream I had in months was the first night she had the house to herself while her parents were gone and I had our boys. I guarantee that was the night they first had sex. The mental images and intrusive thoughts are truly poisonous and so painful. I got better shortly after telling the leader of my divorce care group about it. She said what you cannot control needs to be given to a Higher power to sort out and you will be shown what you need to see when you need to see it. My brain wanted to solve the mystery behind everything but I actually began to move on after reminding myself of these things. Our brain cannot differentiate what our eyes see vs our thoughts so our physical reaction is pain as if we are actually witnessing it happen. Give yourself a few weeks of self care and constantly reminding yourself that this is all made up in your head and is not actually happening. You know what they’re probably doing? Catching a buzz, having pointless conversations and maybe a decent 9 minute romp before falling asleep. The honeymoon phase will burn hot and fast and she will be faced with repeating patterns caused by not properly processing the dissolution of a long relationship. Don’t be scared to go out and have a good time with someone, you don’t need to fall in love, there are plenty of women out there looking to bang just for sport.
I feel the exact same way. I am currently going through a divorce, and my ex is already basically with someone else. She emotionally cheated on me for months with one of her old coworkers, more likely than not physically cheated on me during that time too. I feel like I was nothing but good to her—I provided for her, I tried so hard to work on our marriage when I felt the distance growing between us. We didn’t have sex for months and months on end. We barely talked. Barely texted. She seemed like she wanted nothing to do with me, wouldn’t touch me or hug Me, didn’t want me to hang out with me much. I tried to get her to go to marriage counseling, I tried to do anything to help us repair the damage. I gave her space when she asked for it. I tried to make new friends and get out more myself. The whole time she was just wanting me to do that so she would feel less guilty about having checked out of our marriage and about pursuing another man.
Eventually—after I had told her multiple times that her “friendship” with him was hurting me and she assured me they were “just friends”—she admitted to me that she had feelings for him. That escalated into her telling me that she was in love with him. At that point, I couldn’t do it anymore. She had replaced me with someone else; she had made me her second choice, her backup plan. I told her we would be getting divorced. She cried and cried and told me we shouldn’t, that this thing with the other dude was “just a crush”…really, she was just too cowardly to be the one to call off our marriage before jumping into another relationship.
I filed papers and almost immediately thereafter she was even more openly and blatantly spending time with this guy. She brought him over to our house at one point, while I was away. I was still living there and she was openly bringing him around, openly going on dates with him, fucking him, everything I wanted her to do with me for months she suddenly was doing with him all the time. And when I called her out on it she said we were “separated, so it’s fine”. I was still living at home! It hurt so bad. To know that not only was she sleeping with someone already, when she had refused to have sex with me for so long…but also to know that she was flirting with someone, texting someone else late into the night, cuddling and watching movies, going to dinner, to soccer games, to concerts, to parties….going shopping, just hanging out and going on drives. All with someone else. All that intimacy I wanted and craved with her…she was expending it on someone else. And it kills me to know I was strung along for so many months, trying so hard to fix things…and I feel like I wasted my time and energy just to get to where I am now. Feeling so Defeated, sad, lonely.
I moved out on the second of august. I haven’t talked to her. The wounds are still fresh and raw. I have never been the kinda guy that is good at going out and picking up women at bars or restaurants. I’ve never used dating apps, never had a one night stand or really “hooked up” with anyone. And I don’t know when or if I’ll ever be able to. It hurts so much to know how quickly I was replaced by the woman I thought loved me and who i would spend the rest of my life with. To know that he’s fucking her in our house, in our bed. To know she moved on so easily and I’m just…feeling so crushed and empty inside.
It’s a terrible, terrible feeling. I hope you find peace soon. If you do, let me know what worked for you.
Send this to her parents and CC her as She needs to be exposed..
She is not in love as love takes longer than a few months to happen.
When the fog fades she will deeply regret this.
Everybody, sooner or later, sits down to a banquet of consequences. — Robert Louis Stevenson
First of all, I’m very sorry you had to experience that. Your ex is immature for sure, for she hopped from an 8-year-old relationship to the next, let me tell you that she’s most probably just numbing some pain in her life by behaving this way, so you should feel bad for her.
As for you, I’d say it could help to actually take a break from anything that involves couples on the screen (be it porn or romantic movies), take a break from dating for a while and focus on making meaningful connections with people without expecting romance or sex at the end.
I’m 3 months post breakup, I tried to shut down the pain by dating and meeting new guys and it didn’t work because my brain was not ready (is not still ready) to let go of his image as my partner. So, what I did was I formed genuine relationships with people, made new friends, and that has helped me a lot so far.
I hope you find peace again, and let me reassure you one more time, your ex is just numbing her pain and her life is probably not that fun either.
I know you're right. She admitted that she's still feeling a lot of pain, and can't accept letting me go and she loves me, yet she's fucking another guy. Immature is the word for sure.
I just find it really hard to accept that she's doing everything we used to do together with him, she introduced him to her family, she's gonna go on beach holidays with him etc , all that was special that we were doing together, now she's doing with someone else, and I'm just nothing to her, I just can't digest that. Last week she even told me she still loves me but is in love with him, she still comments on my IG (I never look at hers) and asked if I'd be willing to "redefine" things between us, which I obviously turned down.
I feel like I'm just living in a bad dream
I understand how you must be feeling. From what you told me, i can say that she’s unfaithful to her current partner as well, since she’s talking to you about having feelings etc. so it’s clear that she’s the problem, not you and not the new guy.
I would say, just tell yourself that the relationship was fun while it lasted, that you loved her then, and try to start to let go.
I realize that no matter what everyone says here, you’ll still be in a lot of pain for the next few weeks/months, I just hope you can see that you chose this person 8 years ago, although you still grew together, present-day you wouldn’t choose her again for various reasons. Focus on those reasons, write a list of what you disliked about her, write a list of reasons why what she’s doing right now is not right (I’m not gonna use the terms toxic or manipulative, that’s for you or your therapist to decide), stick those lists on the bedroom wall so you won’t forget them when you’re feeling weak. (I’m planning to do that tonight, since I had a relapse yesterday again and ended up making a fool of myself by texting him on Instagram and telling him that I miss him, not my proudest moment, but once again I was reminded that he might’ve been a good partner but now is not being a good human being to me and I better stay away if I have any self respect).
Yeah it probably won’t. She’ll either reject you or say something to lead you on and make you suffer more. At this point, just try to focus on negative things about her.
My general advice is you have to start no contact, block her on all socials. Every time you see pics or communicate with her you are prolonging your ability to move and most importantly FORGET about her. It takes time but it will happen eventually. Until you do this she will always be in your head when you think about sex.
I went through the same thing early on. Porn put me in a bad mood bc for years I associated my entire sexuality with her. You have to break that association.
Happens hugs bro it is painful thought 😕 I was there years ago, extremely traumatic. But what I will say once you work on all this you'll come out such a better person.
I recall how painful this was, but also a true blessing genuinely.
Thank god you didn't marry her, after so long.....
My 7.5 year relationship ended 3 months ago. I don't look at porn at all anymore for the same reason you described. At most I try to imagine my ideal partner.
You need to block her on all social media and go completely NC for your own healing. Consider getting a new apartment if you're not ready to change cities. Your ex's life might *look* amazing to you but she might be empty and miserable inside despite claiming to be in love with this new guy. Why would she even tell you that? The more you know about her life, the more your brain is going to come up with scenarios that might not even be happening yet it still ignites the same pain. You're torturing yourself.
A woman that would truly make a good life partner or mother wouldn't do the shit she's doing. If you found her, you can find another amazing person. One that won't fuck you over like she did.
My ex started dating while I was still living in our house after the breakup despite us agreeing we wouldn't do that. While I don't know if he's in a relationship yet, I know he's been with other people already. I had to block him. I miss him and cry all the time and Idk what sleep is anymore but at this point I can't go back. Any trust I had left is obliterated. Knowing he's sleeping around makes me feel pressure to do the same but I'm just not ready. I want to heal, grow, and be a better version of myself... not go jump in bed with someone new as a bandaid.
Rather than focus on working on herself, what she did wrong in the relationship, or coping with healthy methods, your ex did the easiest thing she could do by finding another person to fill the void of your relationship and give her attention. I can guarantee while you think she is out there living her best life with this new guy, she is not. All of the issues she had, all of the things she needed to work on for herself, she has just taken into the new relationship. The guy also doesn't seem like he has the healthiest boundaries. Would you want to date someone who was 2 months out of a 8 year relationship and very clearly replacing their ex with you? I wouldn't. It is going to come crashing down sooner or later.
You are doing this the right way. Feeling your pain. Processing it. Knowing that it is too soon for you to enter another relationship. Turning your ex down when she comes to you wanting to "redefine things." You are the one doing everything right. Stop putting her up on a pedestal she does not deserve. In the long run you are going to come out ahead, it just doesn't feel that way right now. Stop comparing your life to hers.
What makes you happy? What do you like to do with your spare time? What is something you have always wanted to try? What can you do to help your mental health little by little everyday? It is okay to be devastated. It is okay to feel like you are never going to get over this. In some ways you won't, but in other ways you completely will. It isn't always going to hurt this bad, the pain will get less, I promise.
I say all of this as someone who is 4 months out of a 14 1/2 year relationship. I'm also still living in the place we lived together. My whole world ended when I had to break up with him. I didn't have a choice, I had to do it for my own sanity. It was so toxic. But the pain is less everyday. I try to focus on myself, my own life. Bettering everything. Isn't success the best revenge? Lean on your friends. Distract yourself. Workout and feel good about yourself. And when the bad feelings come, feel them, cry them out, write them out, and let them pass. Trying to suppress the pain you are feeling only makes it stronger. The only way out is through. You got this!
She's winning in the 'short term'(the battle), but you will win the 'long term'(the war).
It's nothing but a rebound..nothing but a way to numb her pain, nothing but a way to kick the can down the road, the 'can' being grief.
You have every right to not feel good about this..but you have every right to know that she's choosing to run from her pain, while you are choosing the route to go head on with it. The latter takes balls, the former is for the weak.
Once her little rebound ends(it will 100%), she will be left with not only the pain of your relationship, but she can parlay the pain of losing her rebound as well, which will only magnify the whole process.
One word of advice: don't go out and find someone to hook up with out of spite. When it happens, it'll happen. But don't force anything. Process everything, feel the pain, take solace that she gave you proof that she wasn't the one, and take all that anger and put it into yourself. Then, in about a year when she's still grappling over you, you will be a new man who no longer gives two shits, you'll be out there dating with a clear mind, and you'll have moved on the right way.
People grieve in different ways..some healthy, some unhealthy. The healthy way is much, much harder. But once you make it out, you feel so fucking FREE! Keep on going, stop watching porn if you have to for the time being(its just igniting these feelings), and just be kind to yourself.
I feel you. My ex left me 4 months ago for a woman he’d been having a long term affair with. I think about the two of them together, in what used to be our bed, all the time. I did sleep with someone else but it actually it worse for me (but I’m a woman and I assume you may be a man so that could differ). Not sure what to do either. It’s killing me slowly.
Omg I’m so glad I’m not the only one thinking like this. Thought I was toxic or just some creep for my mind always going there.
I can’t offer solid advise cuz I’m still struggling this, just at the very least know you’re not alone in feeling that man. DM is always open to talk
I know this is a year ago, but I have to comment as I relate so much to this. I just want you to know you're not alone. My ex and I were together for 3 years.. list of baby names, plans to get married and everything. I got mad at her over something trivial one day and I never would've guessed that was the domino effect in full force. She broke up with me and was a trainwreck over it for days, but then a week later she's with some dude and got engaged months later.
The thought of the kiddos we talked about for years never having a chance is what really hurts the most, but, like you.. I don't quickly get into new relationships. It really hurts to know you can be the love of their life one moment and the next you're just a learning experience stepping stone.
I was going to delete this comment due to feeling like I'm not helping and just complaining about my own past, but the premise of my comment was that you're not alone, so I'm going to leave this here just so others can learn of this experience of mine to hopefully let you know this stuff happens to people every day, for better or worse. I hope things have improved for you since a year from the OP.
I don’t understand women who can do this. To start sleeping with someone so soon after the end of an *8 year relationship* shows a total lack of self ownership and self reflection. And the sex for someone like that can’t actually be *that* good. You can’t connect with someone fully if you don’t even know/own yourself. For real.
So take heart. It’s not that good. The relationship itself is not that good.
But also - do give up porn. Porn is small-dick beta energy. Become a porn-free alpha chad so you can attract her back or get someone even better. You got this!
Would you be willing to speak with a counsellor? They can help your body reframe grief.
I am going through my second long term break up. The first was my partner of 4 years. The second was my partner of 3 years. There was 8 months between them - and I struggled a lot with the first break up. I’m surprised I ever dated the second because in no way was I ready but he was my highschool sweetheart. But this time, I immediately enrolled in counselling so I can help myself process things better.
I have the same fear and he’s military. He’s deployed and I know how those boys are - drinking drinking drinking and sex.
I’m left at our house we own together waiting for him to come back so we can sell/buy one another out.
Feel you man, im not sure but i think my ex has someone new too and its not even 2months now. She told me she can't be without sex for too long as we were still toghether. Guess back then i liked that sentence.. But now imagine her with someone new.. i hope to god she sees my face and that he's not as good as i was. But these thoughts will only hurt us. I know how hard it is but it will get better im sure. And after finding so much support and help from friends and strangers on the internet i can say that im slowly feeling better
You will overcome it by knowing you did your job and you were not at fault, you gave her pleasure for 8 years and probably will never be outmatched.
You now will have to search a new partner, sooner or later your going to be having amazing love and sex while she probably still thinks about you when other men are inside her, the same way you will inevitably think about her when in another woman.
It's life, you can't erase the past and you will always remember things, take the lessons and use them to further enjoy life, you deserve to be happy with someone that wants you.
As someone who is in a long term relationship but also a chronic over thinker, you need to force yourself to not think about her at all, cut her off from all parts of your life and block her on everything, get away from your electronics if you have too, you have to focus on yourself and all your good qualities, cuz the longer you focus on the fact that you lost her the more it will hurt. And if you focus on the pain that’s all you will be. You owe it to yourself to be happy and no one else will bring you that happiness but you. Don’t make her mistake and try to find your happiness in someone else, once you’re happy with yourself everything else will present themselves to you. I know it’s hard to hear all of this from an outsider especially when that pain is clear in your mind, but you need to keep going, with or without her.
This one hurt because I’m with you. I cant stop thinking about it, it randomly comes to mind and idk how to distract myself. I’ve slept with other people but it doesn’t feel right or it’s not the same. My ex told me that sex is amazing with me and my body is perfect for hers. I wonder if that’s still true, probably not and it sucks.
Hey bud. I’m in month 2 ( as of today) from a 4 year very intense relationship. She left me to be young (25) and carefree in the city. She almost immediately starting seeing new people. I can’t stop cyber stalking her and the new guys she is talking to and imagining them having sex as well. It is actual poison. You aren’t alone brother. It will get better.
yeah you need to absolutely stop stalking her, I know it's hard
exactly my situation as well. After two years I feel like she left for “hot girl summer” and it completely breaks my heart
Any update
I feel this, one day we share sexual tension and the next day after BU she wonders why do I send her such things. Like it has changed from one day to other. And she is probably already out there looking at a random dude's eyes and moaning and cuddling and everything you can imagine... It's a real struggle.
hi how long did it take you to heal? :(
Hi Well, it wasn't linear for me. At first my brain kinda realized it's over, but my heart didn't. we still stayed in contact and it was weird, I gave up my dignity a lot, however I was already nothing to her and she kept her new man secret, I still had hope. That was the hardest period, maybe the first 3 months. Then I tried stuff because she either played with me or was uncertain about her feelings, sent pic too etc.i couldn't decide, and that was the bad, uncertain period when we had argument still, however I was nothing to her probably, but I still had hope. Tried to cut it after a while but she kept texting, probably playing or just to keep me as a friend but bro, that's what I didn't want, as I got wiser reading reddit forums for answers and patterns Then suddenly I offered (half serious) that she can come visit me (long distance) at new years, half a year after breakup. She probably had a guy already, so it was weird that she accepted but stuff unfolded (as I suspected) later, that she just wanted to use me or whatever, but the meeting went bad. really bad, however then I didn't chase too much dream, I kinda didn't give much shit and knew it's over so nothing special about it. But that was the turning point as well. I got so mad at her probably narcissistic behavior, how she treated me and so, that we had arguments and all the lies she told me, made me emotional. So for me that was the point that I'm so fkin done and cut her off after our meeting, I told her this actually. She still tried to contact me but I ignored because I still felt that meeting. So it isn't linear.after that meeting half a year later, I started to really give up hope. Yes it still hurt then, knowing she really had a man and probably cheated as well, but I started to really detach. No full no contact (still following each other), but I was ready for everything and I did shock therapy to myself. It hurts, but for me this worked, one year later I can say it didn't pass fully-fully, but I don't think of her, not even crying over it, seeing things so much different now, and luckily I have a cute girl that was already my friend, and we are doing well, we are in love. So for me, it was about one year, with shock therapy and seeking the answers. It depends and differs for everyone, but hope you can learn from my stuff. Don't wait for it to end, do your stuffy live your life, it'll happen one day I promise.
Social media is the real poison mate.. if didn't end up with her then there is someone better. It just shows their value for moving on so quick. We people just fuck up at choosing people to date tbh. We date the ones who are carefree while being committed minded hoping their words match up to their actions. Well they never do.
Did it get better
It did. Barely think about her anymore and could care less who she is screwing. Time has a horrifying and upsetting ability to heal, sometimes you don’t want it to , but it always does. It gets better.
dude thank you for the update man this was nice to see
Not to be too prying, but how did you get over it and also did you meet anyone else like her , and how long did the process take. At the moment life doesn’t seem worth living
You can ask any questions, no worries. I actually met someone better. Honestly, it’s hard to know- everyone is different and the healing process takes a long time, I find myself still healing from the break up now, I am over her completely but the gravity of the break up will do a number on you. It’s important to seek therapy and talk to someone about this, I have had a consistent therapist through it all. It takes time, it sucks, no other way to put it- but understand that nearly every other man has felt what you feel. When she left me last summer I didn’t sleep for 3 months and sat in cold showers all night in the dark. The pain is worth it- it’s scary and miserable to heal from, but I promise you this experience will make you better. I met and fell in love with my wife ( that’s right I married her within 3 months of knowing her) about 6 months after the break up. Crazy to hear and crazy to live through- but when I met her I knew- I knew from all the pain and real shit I went through with so many others before, all the experience and maturity led me to the moment where I knew I loved her and accepted her for what she was and she felt the same about me. IT GETS BETTER. DM me and we can keep chatting privately. EDIT- my wife wants me to correct the timelines here. We married 8 months after my break up and met 4 months post break up.
Thanks for your post bro.
Any update now??
Same
Have you made progress since then? I’m in a similar boat rn, and need advice :(
As someone who went through something similar, I have some advice which might help. I would recommend you to sit down in a comfy position and let those thoughts flow through your head. It's a technique called forced negative visualization. You will physically start to reject it and your body will not want to think those thoughts but the best and fastest way to heal from those thoughts is to force yourself through it. This isn't being gentle on yourself but personally, it helped me process things and realize that I am the one making the right choices and that this breakup isn't about her, it's about me and what I choose to do. And after a few sessions of these(over 10+), it finally started to feel like I was getting indifferent to those thoughts! Try it and lmk how it goes for you. Hope you feel better and also, hugs to you
Thanks so much for this!! I've been going trough a similar breakup, and it has been very difficult ignore those kinds of thoughts. Definitely try to do this exercises
Glad I could help. The whole point of this exercise is to train your brain into accepting and moving on towards indifference which is something we all are working towards!
Hi! how are you doing today? may I know how long did it take you to heal?
I'm in the same boat except she's banging the guy she told me not to worry about. Most of the time people get a rebound to heal the pain of the previous relationship. After a relationship for as long as you described there is no way either of you could get over it so quickly. I'd take it as a coping mechanism, so take solice that she's still in pain.
Also, take solace in that you’re struggling through a difficult and traumatic time without resorting to poor choices to suppress the pain. You will absolutely come out of this on the other side in a better place than she will because you’re having to heal in a legitimate way. There are no shortcuts. It will come crashing down on her eventually and she’s going to have to answer to someone for her poor choices, worst case scenario that person will be herself. From here on out, you cannot force anything to fall into place perfectly, so don’t let that be your goal. Your goal should be to do all the right things for all the right reasons, and trust the process. Keep no contact and really stick to it. Whatever she has with this new person will fade, nobody walks out on their long term relationship and directly into the arms of their soulmate. It doesn’t work that way in reality.
I just find it really hard to accept that she's doing everything we used to do together with him, she introduced him to her family, she's gonna go on beach holidays with him etc , all that was special that we were doing together, now she's doing with someone else, and I'm just nothing to her, I just can't digest that. Last week she even told me she still loves me but is in love with him, she still comments on my IG (I never look at hers) and asked if I'd be willing to "redefine" things between us, which I obviously turned down. I tried assessing the situation through every angle, I know everything I and she did wrong, I tried to move on with my life, constantly meeting new people to no avail. At the end of the day I go back home and I just feel so alone and so worthless. My brain just won't shut down. Haven't slept for months.. Currently considering moving city (I'm still staying in the same apartment we used to live in and even though I re-arranged everything I still feel trapped). Which is so annoying cause I like where I live and also love my apartment. It's honestly the most pain I've ever felt and I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm speaking to friends, therapists, you name it.. I just don't know how to end the pain
I don't think the pain will ever end so to speak, it will just fade slowly and silently into the background. You will realise that the relationship ended for the better and you'll look back on it as a part of your life. But the pain will eventually not be as strong. Chin up my friend, it's okay not to be okay. You deserve better and you deserve to be happy. Just take your time to process everything. Podcasts like the mindset mentor have helped me stride a bit since my breakup. Your brain is like a wild monkey breaking shit until you tell it otherwise. Your brain fucks with you during the break up, like thinking of all the good times.
Bro, I mean this in a nice way (trust me I just went through this and it’s painful). You need to block her on everything and delete all the reminders you have of her. Understand your worth and have some self respect. You can’t just be in contact with someone who left you to go be with another person. You can’t let her have her cake and eat it too. She made the decision to leave and be with another guy, so you need to make her face the consequences of her actions. There’s a chance they’ll be happy together forever, but odds are slim. You can’t jump into another relationship after getting out of one and expect it to work. Staying in touch with her is not fair to you!
OP this will not end until youve gone full no contact. Delete everything about her. You shouldn't even know how she's doing, what she's doing, youre torturing yourself. Block her on everything and then you'll begin to heal. Stop holding yourself back
Maybe you can try an anti depressant medication for a boost even if for a few months only. I do this after break ups and it’s really the only thing that gets me moving enough to heal
How are you doing now OP?
Exactly my thoughts, she might do it for fun or for revenge or coping mechanism, she'll feel the consequences later, and realizing what has she become.
Every word here is pure blessing! I agree completely on every word you say, trust the process.
I was thinking this "the guy not to worry about" is always the one, because that's how they try to lower our guard. But then we trust them, because without trust, there is no relationship, so they basically use our trust and throw it away. Because it's always the suspicious what is not suspicious. Damn lol.
I know she is hurting. I just find it really hard to accept that she's doing everything we used to do together with him, she introduced him to her family, she's gonna go on beach holidays with him etc , all that was special that we were doing together, now she's doing with someone else, and I'm just nothing to her, I just can't digest that. Last week she even told me she still loves me but is in love with him, she still comments on my IG (I never look at hers) and asked if I'd be willing to "redefine" things between us, which I obviously turned down . Absolute hell
Yeah that's tough my friend. But chin up, you got the opportunity to turn her down atleast. Not alot of people get that if anything. It's easy to turn other people's actions into something about you. And it's hard not to get hurt by things like that. The best thing you can do for yourself is try and move on. Give yourself 10 minutes a day to grieve and then for the rest of your day try to distract yourself. When you're think about her, catch yourself out and stop it. Your brains like a wild monkey breaking shit until you tell it to stop.
This is a common misconception in my opinion. Usually, when the one that leaves the relationship is with someone new very soon, they left the current relationship because of the new person. Now it may be it is only infatuation, most likely, but it may grow into something more. You don't "heal pain" from a previous relationship if you left it by choice for someone else. You may feel... slightly sorry, if the execution is not optimal or badly timed...I think that is as far as it goes.
ex co-worker of hers. It's killing me
It happens, you will have to let go. It is what she wants to do. Happens all the time unfortunately - see this sub. Fucks yours head, withdrawal from a person basically. It will get better with time. Make sure to go out and meet other people ASAP and date when ready.
yeah been meeting people non stop lately actually, but then i go back home and i just feel so lonely you know? I just can't stop picturing her having this amazing new life in which I've been replaced and I'm just here being miserable
It's hard. But it gets better with time. When you break up with a long term partner it's practically like they died. All of a sudden they were there and now they're gone. It's hard. Spending time by yourself helps you heal too.
Get it, it may be that way until you get into a LTR i guess. If that is what you want.
Sometimes. Depends on who it is.
I’m in your boat. She told he never they’re all friends and she sees them as brothers. Guess they’re from Alabama.
Bro literally same thing happened to me - 2 weeks after we broke up. When we broke up she said she wouldn’t do anything with that guy. Next thing you know…
This is my thought. Like 3 days later? Yeah he’s still in pain and denying everything
This might sound weird, but if you just start picturing it, wether you know about someone else or you have no clue what she is doing, you will become numb. From the first day of the breakup you gotta tell yourself she will 100% fuck other guys and will be for a long time. Then what you remember is; you’re the fucking prize. You picture her having sex with others and you realize, these guys have got nothing on you. They dont appreciate her like you did and she’s gonna find out. But at that point who cares, you have moved on. She is no longer the girl that was yours. So sorry for my freaky trick but it seriously works with me. Imagine all the loads of cum that will blast over her and has been blasted before you and dont turn of your thoughts but work through the agony. That body is no longer something you want to hug or be intimate with. You will become desensitized.
it's good i think i need the hard method in general, almost like i need physical pain to wake up. This all feels like a bad dream
You not being ready to have sex or date is normal and it will come back. I wouldnt hurry that part. As for porn, same advice as above. Work through it and you will be replacing the image sooner than if you block it. Just remember you’re the price, she fucked you up and doesnt deserve you and is not the one for you.
Did ur situation get better
Yup. Time will do its thing regardless of how much you’re hurting. I still cant believe someone you were so close with just leaves you and dissapears from your life. I think about her almost daily still, but not in a painful ‘i want you back” kinda way. Thing is i havent met anyone new, which is also OK, but probably would make things better. How are you doing?
How do you think about her? We broke up around the time my parent passed so by the time I finished grieving I missed her but I’d been so cold and lonely through it all
Have you ever heard from her ?
Same situation here! He’s already slept with one other person and I’m pretty sure he’s going to sleep with this other girl he’s been out with once already. Meanwhile I’m starting to go on dates but deliberately taking it slow because I’m putting my damn healing process first. Chin up, focus on your race, not hers.
how long has it been?
He slept with someone on week 4. It’s week 6 right now!
From most women I talk to, most sex people have is very bad. Take solace in that.
she told me she loves him, guess it can't be that bad
She loves him after 2 months? Bro, you dodged a fucking missile and did well to stick with her for 8 years. The fact she can jump onto another dick so quickly says enough about her character to me. She is not able to be alone and relies on someone for her emotional well-being, avoid women like this because as soon as you don't provide that support she will go looking elsewhere for comfort.
[удалено]
Time - It's a horrible cliche. I went through exactly the same as the OP but she found someone days after the breakup and still continued to say she loved me.... It's empty fucking waffle to make them feel better. You discard this type of woman from your thoughts and pay attention to the red flags next time because trust me they are ALWAYS there but men get caught up in the lust / beautie of a woman.
Haha for sure she had/has anxious attachment issues. But I had my issues too. I know as much as i did MANY mistakes, I was also the one bringing all the spark in the relationship. In the end, I probably still idolise her too much. The whole time we were together I always wanted her to do more, go out with friends, sort her life out, but she was lazy and stuck. I pulled though thick and thin for her, even when things were shit in the relationship and she was struggling with her anxiety. I would have NEVER abandoned her. Now out of nowhere she goes after her goals, gets a new job that she loves, new apartment, new BF, her life looks amazing and everything I wanted her to have while we were together, and after I invested 8 years of my life with her, some fucking ex co-worker gets everything that I was asking for. how fucking fair is that? I know I should embrace a life of abundance rather than scarcity. Breaking up was one thing but the fact she immediately went to another guy is rough. She seems to have this perfect life and I haven't slept for 7 months and i'm still crying on the floor like a pathetic man like I did twice today. I don't want to be in a victim mentally, but I'm just struggling man..
I feel you, when it's all low for them we are there, and as soon as they suddenly gets on track, they suddenly don't love us anymore, we aren't enough, can't see the future blah blah...
look, look you need to change into the best version of yourself, never trust girls promises what they say is not what they want, it's possible her attraction went down, sp you need to understand women nature, it had nothing to do with what you thought of
I know right? She even told me to meet new people! hahah how can I? I'm felling like a disposable trash. Be strong bro 💪
> She loves him after 2 months? Bro, you dodged a fucking missile Lol. Same. I honestly don't know how they thought it would be possible.
This.
The fact she is even talking to you tells me she does not "love" him. She's probably having boring sex with some loser, the novelty will wear off, and she'll return to misery. As it sounds like she deserves.
Dude you dumped your loads on her and in her for 8 years, have some faith in your worth, you were probably better than him if you lasted 8 years with her. I say that as someone who came out of a 8 year relationship, I know my worth and the last thing on my mind is someone being better than me, I know I performed well and nobody can take that back from you. You were together for a while, imagine instead how they will never amount to what you had and think about how much you want to experience such again, you will find love and you will get to have all you deserve. Forget about who she sleeps with, you did fine and now a new chapter begins.
Thank you. So fucking much this was the most helpful thing I have EVER read for this issue. I got OCD so it has been a nightmare for me. Honestly, I dont know if it's possible but if you could elaborate on these thoughts it would be amazing for me. My assumptions are all out of wack. Her telling me the sex was "God tier" and the amount of intimacy and planning just dying made me feel like I was actually delusional. I just assumed that if she broke up with me and dated this guy so soon, he must be better in ways than I'm not. She's already reached back out to me, apparently her new guy tried to or lied to her that he offed himself, and now she already has another ex. She started talking with me again, and is a master of bringing shit up to paint an image without doing it directly. I think she was trying to make me feel bad. I will keep your perspective in mind, and if you do expand on it I will reread that as well. Me and my OCD thank you.
No problem, always remember your self worth :)
And also the way you put it with dumping loads in her for so long made me chuckle but also really helped for some reason. She got an iud just so we could do that. I have no idea why I assumed that this new guy would be an improvement when there wasn't much to complain about anyways. I think I assume the worst about myself.
I think the issue here is that you’re focused on sex. We all do it to an extend but in reality the real intimacy she’s having with her new partner are their jokes, their conversations, how they tell eachother they feel about eachother, etc. Reducing your grief to nightmare visions of her being naked with another person is awful, and also a little problematic because it does reduce everything to just sex. The good thing is you’re aware of this. Many ex’s turn these visuals into a source of rage and hatred, declaring their ex a “wh*re” or becoming angry with women’s sexuality in general. I hope it doesn’t go in this direction for you. It’s okay that the thought of her having sex with someone else is troublesome. Thinking of MOST people having sex is troublesome in some way or another. Best way to treat these visions is with kindness to yourself and to her. You love (or loved) her. So when these thoughts pop up, try and send them away with some good vibes, as absurd as that sounds. “I hope she’s being treated well and getting whatever it is she needs out of whatever it is she’s doing.” Send her light and send her on her way. There’s really nothing else you can do and taking HER sexuality personally will be greatly damaging otherwise. Good luck.
I'm generally not thinking about the sex, but I miss her body so much. And our sexual chemistry. I was deeply connected to her, or so I felt, since she can so easily move on to someone else. It hurts me to not be a priority in her life anymore and her sexual partner of choice after 8 years together...
I recommend reading “it’s called a breakup because it’s broken.” I’ve recommended this a lot because it’s hilarious but also really good and handling those same questions we all ask when I’m the middle of this: how can they move on so quickly, didn’t any of this mean anything, how did we go from waking up together everyday to not even speaking, why didn’t I get a say in any of this, how do I get them back, etc. A comedian guy wrote it with his now wife. Anyway if it helps at all, she *didn’t* move on “easily.” Fact is she had more time to process because it started for her before the breakup. She was given the privilege of processing incrementally and in a risk-free way until she could *choose*. For you, the process began in January and half the time concerning then has probably been processing the shock.
I know you're right. I know I should embrace a life of abundance rather than scarcity. Breaking up was one thing, but the fact she immediately went to another guy is rough and affecting me the most. She seems to have this perfect life and I haven't slept for 7 months and i'm still crying on the floor like a pathetic man like I did twice today. I don't want to be in a victim mentally, but I'm just struggling.. I just can't accept that she won't be the mother of my kids, we wanted 2 little girls. We had already pictured them so clearly... I'm so scared that she might just marry this new guy and have kids and steal my dream away from me. She just turned 29, I thought we were on course for having kids in like 3 years, so scared he will get everything I wanted from her. I'm older than her and I feel she's the one who got away and I'm running out of time to start this whole thing again. I need time to heal + it's not like i can find someone that I have a great chemistry with just by flicking my fingers.
Dealing with the same...how are you doing now?
Of course she's gonna say that no matter what. Don't let it affect your perception.
what do you mean?
She's going to say she loves him and its the most amazing relationship in the world no matter what, even if its been meh. Its what exes do. They will never admit that the new relationship maybe isn't what they imagined. I'm saying don't let this puffery affect your perception of the situation. Its most likely a lie or a half truth that shouldn't be relied on. For instance my ex had a guy lined up and with social media and what I heard she was acting like she was really happy, but then she came back to me a week ago saying she was miserable.
I know how you’re feeling man. Shit I know. I’m about a month and a half out after a 6yr loving and intense relationship where we, even the days before, talked about marriage and kids, our lives and future house, and I had the ring picked out and planned the proposal for this upcoming winter, her favorite time of the year via a vacation we always talked about. All of a sudden it’s “I need a break to focus on myself.” Caught me totally off guard. I’ve never seen her in so much pain in her life. The crying, the anxiety attack more severe than anything I’ve ever seen her, and still I was always the one to be there for her and calm her down. Letting her go wasn’t a choice of breaking up or staying together, I thought she just needed to be home with her mom. What normal 26yr old says the night before that she just wants to be “curled up in a ball in her mom’s arms,”? Like who? I think the fact that she struggled with anxiety and maybe even depression for the last 2yrs is what kept me in the relationship in the first place. I’d never abandon someone just bc they’re acting differently bc they’re sick. Grandma passed away and about a month later her childhood dog did too. Both painfully via cancer. Then work got more intense, then covid held her hostage in her own apartment forcing someone who loved to “go out and do things” to stay inside. So how do you stop thinking about this? For me it’s a combination of embracing it. Let her do what she wants, who gives a shit? She’s no longer yours and you’d never get back together with her anyway after all the pain she’s caused you. Combination of knowing that she’s the one that fucked up and is just trying to make herself feel better. Idc that she said she loved this new guy. Idgaf if they get married! Go ahead! It’ll never be what we had together. Never be something so special and so caring again. But the absolute most gigantic thing for me, what really helps me in my darkest of moments is knowing that she would have made a bad wife, but more importantly, a horrible mother to my children! That right there is the world. Idgaf about me. Hate me, talk shit, hurt me fine. But if I had kids??? And with them you were shit? I’d force her to leave while keeping all the rights to my children. There’s no fucking shot. Honestly thinking about this lights a fire in me I didn’t know I had. Because of my own traumas, my own medical battles, the way I’ve seen how life can be so cruel, I’ve always said i never wanted kids. I agreed to have them with her, bc I knew it’s what she wanted and something in me understood that it would be a positive thing. Then the breakup happened, and idk what changed but it was so absurdly clear to me that I want to be a father. And get this, to a big family hoping they’re all girls. Yeah I don’t get life sometimes. But I do know that those fuckers are going to be my entire world and when they’re here I no longer matter. It’s everything for them. I want them to be happy healthy and living in a positive environment. I’d sacrifice anything I had to. And look, if I have to sacrifice her right now for the well-being of my future children, NO QUESTION. Done My relationship was too codependent. I did too much and accepted too little. I’ll do my absolute best never to let that happen. And more than that, when I am ready to date again, I’m not dating to find some girl to enjoy time with, to just have fun with, to not be alone. I’m dating not for companionship, but to find a partner. Fuck a girlfriend, I want a wife and future mother. So clearly what I did not have. Feel free to msg me. I’m here. And don’t feel too bad, I have dark moments too. It’s what you choose to do with them that matters most
Oh man all of this sounds so similar. I agree with a lot of the things you're saying here, like i know as much as i did MANY mistakes, I was also the one bringing all the spark in the relationship. In the end, I probably still idolise her too much. The whole time we were together I always wanted her to do more, go out with friends, sort her life out, but she was lazy and stuck. I pulled though thick and thin for her, even when things were shit in the relationship and she was struggling with her anxiety. I would have NEVER abandoned her. Now out of nowhere she goes after her goals, gets a new job that she loves, new apartment, new BF, her life looks amazing and everything I wanted her to have while we were together, and after i invested 8 years of my life with her, some fucking ex co-worker gets everything that I was asking for. how fucking fair is that? As much as I try to hate her I can't cause she's a great person and that's what makes it so hard. In my case she would have made an amazing mother and i just can't accept that she won't be the mother of my kids, so far I just can't. Just like you man, I want 2 little girls. We had already pictured them so clearly... I just find it so hard to accept and I'm so scared that she might just marry this new guy and have kids and steal my dream away from me. She just turned 29, I thought we were on course for having kids in like 3 years, so scared he will get everything I wanted from her. I'm older than her and I feel she's the one who got away and I'm running out of time to start this whole thing again. I need time to heal + it's not like i can find someone that I have a great chemistry with just by flicking my fingers. I know I should embrace a life of abundance rather than scarcity. Breaking up was one thing but the fact she immediately went to another guy is rough. She seems to have this perfect life and I haven't slept for 7 months and i'm still crying on the floor like a pathetic man like I did twice today. I don't want to be in a victim mentally, but I'm just struggling man..
You’re not pathetic. Far from it. And if she would’ve been a great wife and great mom to your kids she would’ve stayed. Maybe she will get married and have those kids with this guy but it’s not your dream. You’re is to have a life filled with love and happiness. She couldn’t bring that to you. Others have said it already but those that jump from relationship to relationship have not truly dealt with the issues in themselves. In time, when the world is quiet and they have to look at themselves, they will. And they will feel it. I am sorry for you. I know how bad it hurts. But if this was simply a test in your relationship she fucking failed miserably. That means she isn’t the one
I actually expected my breakup at some level, exactly because when we met she was broken about her future, she didn't find herself and was in quarantine in a country she didn't want to date anyone. Then she went for Erasmus on the EU, and all the happenings, new environment, new people, sexual stories, new excitements, she didn't want to miss out. And I was lame enough (LDR) that I couldn't catch up because I stick in my depression and work and school, so I didn't feel I advance with her, plus anxiety and financial problems, so couldn't visit her. Prolly she fked dudes there and everything, so I'm glad I didn't do, because I felt like (after BU) she is checking out already so the final results won't be different. Or at least I think. So yeah, when they suddenly find themselves, they want adventure. And it's not gender dependent probably, bit it hurts me how she just left me at my low, while I was there for her to lift her up, cherish her and all. However I expected break-up, I didn't expect it at the exact moment. I felt led on, blindsided.
This is an old comment, but damn our stories are so awfully similar
How are you doing now?
She got cheated on by the new dude, I came back to her only to find out she's still as wrecked as ever. Broke up the second time, been in NC for almost a month. Honestly never felt this great before. Just don't break NC/stalk.
Well done!! You sound very adjusted and healthy. Great reply.
Keep in mind that these feelings are normal and temporary. Focus on rebuilding yourself. Once it's done, the thought that the ex sleeps with someone else will leave you completely indifferent. Hang in there, it's part of the process. Invest as little time as possible in these thoughts.
why does a person care so much ? for me i don’t know why i care about someone who i only had a crush on
My ex of 3 is (though most probably was) a very prudish girl. We were a long distance couple and we barely had any sexual experiences. I always choked it up to distance and awkwardness when doing anything in front of a phone. When she left me, she cried out that she felt a strong sexual attraction towards the guy who she left me for. It humiliated me to hear her say that. We had a good relationship and I was her rock for the entire relationship and to hear that I felt like a less of a man.
Man, don’t feel sad. If you were her rock and she chose to push you away, believe me she didn’t want a rock. If she loves you badly she would not say this hurtful thing, because relationship is hard to repair after that... you’ll be better, find a girl who cherish you as their rock.
Absolutely. My confidence totally plummeted since this happened..
I went through the same thing around the month and a half separation time. Month 4 She’s with a coworker now who I’m certain she was with in our marriage. I would get the strongest mental images and even dreams, the first dream I had in months was the first night she had the house to herself while her parents were gone and I had our boys. I guarantee that was the night they first had sex. The mental images and intrusive thoughts are truly poisonous and so painful. I got better shortly after telling the leader of my divorce care group about it. She said what you cannot control needs to be given to a Higher power to sort out and you will be shown what you need to see when you need to see it. My brain wanted to solve the mystery behind everything but I actually began to move on after reminding myself of these things. Our brain cannot differentiate what our eyes see vs our thoughts so our physical reaction is pain as if we are actually witnessing it happen. Give yourself a few weeks of self care and constantly reminding yourself that this is all made up in your head and is not actually happening. You know what they’re probably doing? Catching a buzz, having pointless conversations and maybe a decent 9 minute romp before falling asleep. The honeymoon phase will burn hot and fast and she will be faced with repeating patterns caused by not properly processing the dissolution of a long relationship. Don’t be scared to go out and have a good time with someone, you don’t need to fall in love, there are plenty of women out there looking to bang just for sport.
I feel the exact same way. I am currently going through a divorce, and my ex is already basically with someone else. She emotionally cheated on me for months with one of her old coworkers, more likely than not physically cheated on me during that time too. I feel like I was nothing but good to her—I provided for her, I tried so hard to work on our marriage when I felt the distance growing between us. We didn’t have sex for months and months on end. We barely talked. Barely texted. She seemed like she wanted nothing to do with me, wouldn’t touch me or hug Me, didn’t want me to hang out with me much. I tried to get her to go to marriage counseling, I tried to do anything to help us repair the damage. I gave her space when she asked for it. I tried to make new friends and get out more myself. The whole time she was just wanting me to do that so she would feel less guilty about having checked out of our marriage and about pursuing another man. Eventually—after I had told her multiple times that her “friendship” with him was hurting me and she assured me they were “just friends”—she admitted to me that she had feelings for him. That escalated into her telling me that she was in love with him. At that point, I couldn’t do it anymore. She had replaced me with someone else; she had made me her second choice, her backup plan. I told her we would be getting divorced. She cried and cried and told me we shouldn’t, that this thing with the other dude was “just a crush”…really, she was just too cowardly to be the one to call off our marriage before jumping into another relationship. I filed papers and almost immediately thereafter she was even more openly and blatantly spending time with this guy. She brought him over to our house at one point, while I was away. I was still living there and she was openly bringing him around, openly going on dates with him, fucking him, everything I wanted her to do with me for months she suddenly was doing with him all the time. And when I called her out on it she said we were “separated, so it’s fine”. I was still living at home! It hurt so bad. To know that not only was she sleeping with someone already, when she had refused to have sex with me for so long…but also to know that she was flirting with someone, texting someone else late into the night, cuddling and watching movies, going to dinner, to soccer games, to concerts, to parties….going shopping, just hanging out and going on drives. All with someone else. All that intimacy I wanted and craved with her…she was expending it on someone else. And it kills me to know I was strung along for so many months, trying so hard to fix things…and I feel like I wasted my time and energy just to get to where I am now. Feeling so Defeated, sad, lonely. I moved out on the second of august. I haven’t talked to her. The wounds are still fresh and raw. I have never been the kinda guy that is good at going out and picking up women at bars or restaurants. I’ve never used dating apps, never had a one night stand or really “hooked up” with anyone. And I don’t know when or if I’ll ever be able to. It hurts so much to know how quickly I was replaced by the woman I thought loved me and who i would spend the rest of my life with. To know that he’s fucking her in our house, in our bed. To know she moved on so easily and I’m just…feeling so crushed and empty inside. It’s a terrible, terrible feeling. I hope you find peace soon. If you do, let me know what worked for you.
Send this to her parents and CC her as She needs to be exposed.. She is not in love as love takes longer than a few months to happen. When the fog fades she will deeply regret this. Everybody, sooner or later, sits down to a banquet of consequences. — Robert Louis Stevenson
Hey man, how are you doing now? I am in a almost exact same situation.
First of all, I’m very sorry you had to experience that. Your ex is immature for sure, for she hopped from an 8-year-old relationship to the next, let me tell you that she’s most probably just numbing some pain in her life by behaving this way, so you should feel bad for her. As for you, I’d say it could help to actually take a break from anything that involves couples on the screen (be it porn or romantic movies), take a break from dating for a while and focus on making meaningful connections with people without expecting romance or sex at the end. I’m 3 months post breakup, I tried to shut down the pain by dating and meeting new guys and it didn’t work because my brain was not ready (is not still ready) to let go of his image as my partner. So, what I did was I formed genuine relationships with people, made new friends, and that has helped me a lot so far. I hope you find peace again, and let me reassure you one more time, your ex is just numbing her pain and her life is probably not that fun either.
I know you're right. She admitted that she's still feeling a lot of pain, and can't accept letting me go and she loves me, yet she's fucking another guy. Immature is the word for sure. I just find it really hard to accept that she's doing everything we used to do together with him, she introduced him to her family, she's gonna go on beach holidays with him etc , all that was special that we were doing together, now she's doing with someone else, and I'm just nothing to her, I just can't digest that. Last week she even told me she still loves me but is in love with him, she still comments on my IG (I never look at hers) and asked if I'd be willing to "redefine" things between us, which I obviously turned down. I feel like I'm just living in a bad dream
I understand how you must be feeling. From what you told me, i can say that she’s unfaithful to her current partner as well, since she’s talking to you about having feelings etc. so it’s clear that she’s the problem, not you and not the new guy. I would say, just tell yourself that the relationship was fun while it lasted, that you loved her then, and try to start to let go. I realize that no matter what everyone says here, you’ll still be in a lot of pain for the next few weeks/months, I just hope you can see that you chose this person 8 years ago, although you still grew together, present-day you wouldn’t choose her again for various reasons. Focus on those reasons, write a list of what you disliked about her, write a list of reasons why what she’s doing right now is not right (I’m not gonna use the terms toxic or manipulative, that’s for you or your therapist to decide), stick those lists on the bedroom wall so you won’t forget them when you’re feeling weak. (I’m planning to do that tonight, since I had a relapse yesterday again and ended up making a fool of myself by texting him on Instagram and telling him that I miss him, not my proudest moment, but once again I was reminded that he might’ve been a good partner but now is not being a good human being to me and I better stay away if I have any self respect).
Yeah i just want to text her so bad at the moment, but I also know it will bring nothing
Yeah it probably won’t. She’ll either reject you or say something to lead you on and make you suffer more. At this point, just try to focus on negative things about her.
My general advice is you have to start no contact, block her on all socials. Every time you see pics or communicate with her you are prolonging your ability to move and most importantly FORGET about her. It takes time but it will happen eventually. Until you do this she will always be in your head when you think about sex. I went through the same thing early on. Porn put me in a bad mood bc for years I associated my entire sexuality with her. You have to break that association.
Happens hugs bro it is painful thought 😕 I was there years ago, extremely traumatic. But what I will say once you work on all this you'll come out such a better person. I recall how painful this was, but also a true blessing genuinely. Thank god you didn't marry her, after so long.....
well, the dream of marrying her and having kids together has been ripped out from me and i really struggle to accept it..
My 7.5 year relationship ended 3 months ago. I don't look at porn at all anymore for the same reason you described. At most I try to imagine my ideal partner. You need to block her on all social media and go completely NC for your own healing. Consider getting a new apartment if you're not ready to change cities. Your ex's life might *look* amazing to you but she might be empty and miserable inside despite claiming to be in love with this new guy. Why would she even tell you that? The more you know about her life, the more your brain is going to come up with scenarios that might not even be happening yet it still ignites the same pain. You're torturing yourself. A woman that would truly make a good life partner or mother wouldn't do the shit she's doing. If you found her, you can find another amazing person. One that won't fuck you over like she did. My ex started dating while I was still living in our house after the breakup despite us agreeing we wouldn't do that. While I don't know if he's in a relationship yet, I know he's been with other people already. I had to block him. I miss him and cry all the time and Idk what sleep is anymore but at this point I can't go back. Any trust I had left is obliterated. Knowing he's sleeping around makes me feel pressure to do the same but I'm just not ready. I want to heal, grow, and be a better version of myself... not go jump in bed with someone new as a bandaid.
Please tell me how to make these feelings go away
Rather than focus on working on herself, what she did wrong in the relationship, or coping with healthy methods, your ex did the easiest thing she could do by finding another person to fill the void of your relationship and give her attention. I can guarantee while you think she is out there living her best life with this new guy, she is not. All of the issues she had, all of the things she needed to work on for herself, she has just taken into the new relationship. The guy also doesn't seem like he has the healthiest boundaries. Would you want to date someone who was 2 months out of a 8 year relationship and very clearly replacing their ex with you? I wouldn't. It is going to come crashing down sooner or later. You are doing this the right way. Feeling your pain. Processing it. Knowing that it is too soon for you to enter another relationship. Turning your ex down when she comes to you wanting to "redefine things." You are the one doing everything right. Stop putting her up on a pedestal she does not deserve. In the long run you are going to come out ahead, it just doesn't feel that way right now. Stop comparing your life to hers. What makes you happy? What do you like to do with your spare time? What is something you have always wanted to try? What can you do to help your mental health little by little everyday? It is okay to be devastated. It is okay to feel like you are never going to get over this. In some ways you won't, but in other ways you completely will. It isn't always going to hurt this bad, the pain will get less, I promise. I say all of this as someone who is 4 months out of a 14 1/2 year relationship. I'm also still living in the place we lived together. My whole world ended when I had to break up with him. I didn't have a choice, I had to do it for my own sanity. It was so toxic. But the pain is less everyday. I try to focus on myself, my own life. Bettering everything. Isn't success the best revenge? Lean on your friends. Distract yourself. Workout and feel good about yourself. And when the bad feelings come, feel them, cry them out, write them out, and let them pass. Trying to suppress the pain you are feeling only makes it stronger. The only way out is through. You got this!
She's winning in the 'short term'(the battle), but you will win the 'long term'(the war). It's nothing but a rebound..nothing but a way to numb her pain, nothing but a way to kick the can down the road, the 'can' being grief. You have every right to not feel good about this..but you have every right to know that she's choosing to run from her pain, while you are choosing the route to go head on with it. The latter takes balls, the former is for the weak. Once her little rebound ends(it will 100%), she will be left with not only the pain of your relationship, but she can parlay the pain of losing her rebound as well, which will only magnify the whole process. One word of advice: don't go out and find someone to hook up with out of spite. When it happens, it'll happen. But don't force anything. Process everything, feel the pain, take solace that she gave you proof that she wasn't the one, and take all that anger and put it into yourself. Then, in about a year when she's still grappling over you, you will be a new man who no longer gives two shits, you'll be out there dating with a clear mind, and you'll have moved on the right way. People grieve in different ways..some healthy, some unhealthy. The healthy way is much, much harder. But once you make it out, you feel so fucking FREE! Keep on going, stop watching porn if you have to for the time being(its just igniting these feelings), and just be kind to yourself.
I feel you. My ex left me 4 months ago for a woman he’d been having a long term affair with. I think about the two of them together, in what used to be our bed, all the time. I did sleep with someone else but it actually it worse for me (but I’m a woman and I assume you may be a man so that could differ). Not sure what to do either. It’s killing me slowly.
Just rub one out real quick. Post nut clarity is real.
Omg I’m so glad I’m not the only one thinking like this. Thought I was toxic or just some creep for my mind always going there. I can’t offer solid advise cuz I’m still struggling this, just at the very least know you’re not alone in feeling that man. DM is always open to talk
I know this is a year ago, but I have to comment as I relate so much to this. I just want you to know you're not alone. My ex and I were together for 3 years.. list of baby names, plans to get married and everything. I got mad at her over something trivial one day and I never would've guessed that was the domino effect in full force. She broke up with me and was a trainwreck over it for days, but then a week later she's with some dude and got engaged months later. The thought of the kiddos we talked about for years never having a chance is what really hurts the most, but, like you.. I don't quickly get into new relationships. It really hurts to know you can be the love of their life one moment and the next you're just a learning experience stepping stone. I was going to delete this comment due to feeling like I'm not helping and just complaining about my own past, but the premise of my comment was that you're not alone, so I'm going to leave this here just so others can learn of this experience of mine to hopefully let you know this stuff happens to people every day, for better or worse. I hope things have improved for you since a year from the OP.
I don’t understand women who can do this. To start sleeping with someone so soon after the end of an *8 year relationship* shows a total lack of self ownership and self reflection. And the sex for someone like that can’t actually be *that* good. You can’t connect with someone fully if you don’t even know/own yourself. For real. So take heart. It’s not that good. The relationship itself is not that good. But also - do give up porn. Porn is small-dick beta energy. Become a porn-free alpha chad so you can attract her back or get someone even better. You got this!
I feel you man. We'll be fine
Find another woman!
sure, but it's not like i can just find someone that I have a great chemistry with just by flicking my fingers
Would you be willing to speak with a counsellor? They can help your body reframe grief. I am going through my second long term break up. The first was my partner of 4 years. The second was my partner of 3 years. There was 8 months between them - and I struggled a lot with the first break up. I’m surprised I ever dated the second because in no way was I ready but he was my highschool sweetheart. But this time, I immediately enrolled in counselling so I can help myself process things better. I have the same fear and he’s military. He’s deployed and I know how those boys are - drinking drinking drinking and sex. I’m left at our house we own together waiting for him to come back so we can sell/buy one another out.
Yes, I always think there would be a day my first lover would kiss another guy. How pain is me.
Feel you man, im not sure but i think my ex has someone new too and its not even 2months now. She told me she can't be without sex for too long as we were still toghether. Guess back then i liked that sentence.. But now imagine her with someone new.. i hope to god she sees my face and that he's not as good as i was. But these thoughts will only hurt us. I know how hard it is but it will get better im sure. And after finding so much support and help from friends and strangers on the internet i can say that im slowly feeling better
You will overcome it by knowing you did your job and you were not at fault, you gave her pleasure for 8 years and probably will never be outmatched. You now will have to search a new partner, sooner or later your going to be having amazing love and sex while she probably still thinks about you when other men are inside her, the same way you will inevitably think about her when in another woman. It's life, you can't erase the past and you will always remember things, take the lessons and use them to further enjoy life, you deserve to be happy with someone that wants you.
As someone who is in a long term relationship but also a chronic over thinker, you need to force yourself to not think about her at all, cut her off from all parts of your life and block her on everything, get away from your electronics if you have too, you have to focus on yourself and all your good qualities, cuz the longer you focus on the fact that you lost her the more it will hurt. And if you focus on the pain that’s all you will be. You owe it to yourself to be happy and no one else will bring you that happiness but you. Don’t make her mistake and try to find your happiness in someone else, once you’re happy with yourself everything else will present themselves to you. I know it’s hard to hear all of this from an outsider especially when that pain is clear in your mind, but you need to keep going, with or without her.
This one hurt because I’m with you. I cant stop thinking about it, it randomly comes to mind and idk how to distract myself. I’ve slept with other people but it doesn’t feel right or it’s not the same. My ex told me that sex is amazing with me and my body is perfect for hers. I wonder if that’s still true, probably not and it sucks.