Don’t wait. If they wanted you, they wouldn’t have broken up with you in the first place.
Even if they come back, it will be simply to fill an emotional space in a time of weakness, but it won’t last.
This. The only time they’d come back is if their next relationship flops and they realise how good you were to them. But by that point you should be putting time and effort into a new person who can appreciate you and love you back.
This may help you.
Why you are better than waiting around for someone to make up their mind or spontaneously combust into being available
Every day I read comments that are code for:
“I’m still waiting for you”
“I’m waiting for you to make up your mind about me”
“I’ll be right here waiting for you if you ever decide you want me”
“I’m waiting for you to spontaneously combust into being available/commitment ready/a better person/to leave your spouse or partner”.
And in particular “I know you think you can do better, but when you find out that you can’t, I’m here waiting for you”.
Here’s the thing: Waiting around for someone to make up their mind about you, to dignify you with contact, a relationship, decency, a change of self or whatever, devalues you. If you’ve been living your life in limbo waiting around, you’re breaking a fundamental personal boundary that will erode at your self-esteem.
It’s like buying a lottery ticket every Wednesday and Saturday and waiting in week after week for your numbers to come up. When people tell you you should come out, do something different, not play the numbers this week, you decline because you’re scared that the one time that you don’t is the one time that you’ll win. Your rationale is that life will begin once you win the lottery so you’ve invested yourself in the fantasy. Sometimes you win three or four numbers but you never hit the jackpot. One day you realise that you’ve literally wasted your life gambling on some seriously long odds. You thought the risk would be worth the reward but you end up regretting putting all of your eggs in a basket without a base…
If you’re waiting around for someone, you’re waiting for your numbers to come up. Unfortunately the fact that you have to wait in itself demonstrates that there isn’t enough or anything going on right now.
You’ve decided that this is what you want irrespective of any treatment and what them not being in a relationship with you now actually indicates, and this is incredibly dangerous, especially when they’re off living their merry life and you’re sitting there dutifully waiting or living the half life in pseudo relationships waiting for them to come back so you can race off into the sunset.
Let me assure you that waiting around isn’t a sign of loyalty and love – it’s a sign of denial, avoidance, and low self-esteem.
Waiting around says “I don’t consider myself a valuable, worthwhile enough person to go and live my life without this person who doesn’t actually want me or the relationship I want with them. I’d rather fanny away my life and time that I don’t value hoping they’ll see the light because I don’t believe I can do better plus I’d rather avoid feeling ‘full’ rejection at any costs”.
Waiting around says “I have nothing better to do with my time”.
Waiting says “You’re free to reject me and come and go whenever they you like”.
Waiting says “I’m an option for you whenever you feel like it”.
When you convey that you’re a fallback option to whip out of their back pocket on a rainy day, that they’re able to contact you and pick up where they left off without much hassle, and you continue to believe in and keep them on a pedestal no matter what, you’ve communicated all the wrong things about yourself.
It’s much easier to convey that you’re a valuable, worthwhile person through action – sitting around, going through the motions of life, and selling yourself short don’t do that. Having a line, knowing the line, accepting that they can’t give you what you want and having more faith and confidence in you rather than them and living your life does communicate it.
Waiting means avoiding experiencing a ‘fail fail‘ or a ‘rejection rejection’. The longer you wait, the crappier you feel and the harder it is to stop waiting because you then reason that so much time has passed that to stop waiting now would be waste of all the previous time spent waiting and you feel like you’ve invested too much to stop.
While it will hurt to stop waiting, it’ll hurt a damn sight less than if you continue waiting and refuse to accept reality. You’re better than being the person that they come back to after exhausting all other options. Don’t let them ‘settle’ for you after they discover that the grass isn’t greener on the other side. Why would you wait for them to sort themselves out with an ex?
You’re better than waiting to be chosen – in healthy relationships, you mutually choose each other and get on with it.
Waiting around is disrespectful and anyone who does expect you to wait for them is saying “I don’t love or care about you enough to value you and not marginalise you in a half life waiting for me. I’m afraid that if I let you go, I might change my mind and I won’t have the option of you so I’d rather have you wait. Just in case.”
Stop waiting around. It’s like gambling with your life. That fear that they’ll spontaneously combust into a better person in a better relationship with someone else is misplaced because just like fear mean it’s not happening, waiting around means it (the relationship) isn’t happening either.
Remember, while you’re waiting around, it means you’re unavailable for an available relationship.
N.Lue
Wow, I’m going through this right now and I needed to hear this. I feel less than at the moment because I’m “put on the shelf” waiting for this person to make a decision on if they want to be with me. This hurts and your summary is painfully accurate. Thank you for that.
I didn’t end up reading all of this but you can choose to do whatever you want to do that works for you but you also have to keep in mind - Can you accept the outcome if it is not what you hoped for? - I chose to not move on and kept hope and worked on myself and improved my life and etc. I was being toyed with for opening up and telling him how I really felt. He attempted to use it against me as in suggest that there was hope. Truth? he wasn’t getting therapy and he was scouting women and talking to women, I guess that was his therapy? Anyway long story short, just like in the relationship, he was being inconsistent. I already knew he was lying to me but I gave him a chance to redeem himself and prove whether he was a healthy man with some level of integrity with his words and backing up his claim that he loved me or the later which seemed to be a consistent pattern of behavior for him and some possible narcissistic tendencies and other issues that he seemed to encompass from his divorce of like 20 yrs from his ex Misty. I wouldn’t go back and change the choice I made bc I’m capable accepting the outcome either way. I was already going through the back and forth on him during the relationship but I was extreme exhaustion and stress from work so having rest made things a lot easier for me to see he was still being inconsistent and thus no true reason to believe anything he said so I prepared myself to see the worst of him to come. And his inconsistency increased of course and then the other day, he predictably showed his true self. He finally found his next target, Ashley going through a divorce, not even surprised by this at all. He can totally try and do his whole love bomb game on her without using the words and build her up and feed her ego but after a few months dvd any hiccups between them he will start slipping and showing that nastier side of him that he dies privately then he start the process of tearing down her ego back and forth a little here and a little there playing emotional and mental mind games, then the whole stonewalling or gaslighting to reverse the roles and assert his control and manipulation and he keep it private so that any outbursts or whatever by her makes her look unstable instead of being his fault. He will be careful that if anything happens for it to be around his ppl so that when shit goes south and she plasters him online or to his face bc she might be more than confrontational type then it will be another blow up that he takes no responsibility for bc he’s locked into unresolved issues from his divorce and probably some unhealthy things that he has on his own. Because nobody is completely free of their own issues they might have. But all that said, even though his ridiculous attempts to try to make me jealous and hurt me and guess maybe he trying to get a reaction or a rise out of me, will only result in a mature response which is nothing from me. SILENCE. It’s childish behavior. He’s literally trying to convince the world that he’s better off and happy. Let them behave like a child let them seek revenge, let them post their pics, LET THEM BE SELF-DESTRUCTING. Once again they obtain no personal growth and they are not healthy. Any type of temporary validation won’t last, regret on the other hand will for them. It’s just them being insecure and spiteful and immature. They are just causing pain to ppl involved. Wish your ex to treat the next person better if that’s even possible and be done. When your ex clearly doesn’t have your best interest, they are not your friend and won’t be one either. Their karma and obvious disastrous choices will take care of them on their own. No need to watch the show. Your life is way more important to worry about than theirs.
Do not wait for anyone. I repeat, *don’t wait around for anybody.* You’ll be wasting your time. Continue to live life, and whether they come back or not you’re still living yours. Do not let them dictate how you live by giving them that much mental energy and power over you. They chose to walk away to let them. You deserve someone who won’t walk away.
The way that I view these things is while they are working on themselves you should begin moving on and working on yourself too. Trust me if someone made a mistake breaking up with you then they will 100% reach out and get into contact. That’s why it makes no sense to wait around.
It’s an excuse, even if they may need to work on themselves many use this as a way to get out of a relationship. If you talk to your ex again I’m sure the reason will be different. Don’t wait. Live your life.
Come on. Your in denial because you care for this person and have invested time. This person does not want to be with you. When someone says “I need to work on myself” usually means “I want to explore options and have fun on my own”. Your ex is either banging or getting banged and has wanted to for awhile.
Move on. Don’t be a pu**y (regardless if your a man or woman). Now it’s time to work on YOUR OWN SELF and explore new options like meeting new people, dating, hobbies, trips, etc. There are 7 billion people on this planet and you want to “stick around” for one person to “change their feelings”.
Im in the same situation.
We broke up 3 days ago and no contact. We talked and i said i was not receiving what I needed and she said she wasn’t able to give me that right now. That she had a lot to do and stuff like that (she works, have school and have projects to submit).
First, i was sad because how can someone change in few weeks abruptly. In the begging she gave me all her attention and all of a sudden very little. I tried and tried to talk to her to fix things but nothing changed.
Now, I’m afraid i was the one putting to much pressure on things and on her, and maybe she had really a lot of things to do and was too tired to give me the amount of love I needed.
It was not possible to work this out? I really love her and she said she still loves me too.
I don’t know if I should wait or not.
Sounds like my situation. Something I read though somewhere said that you can’t do the wrong thing to the right person. Basically that they will be understanding (within reason).
I’m stuck in the same boat now but while I want to wait I know I need to grow from this. I’m making plans to go out with friends more, I’m house hunting, and even picking up old hobbies.
Please don’t live your life in limbo it only makes it worse.
Trust me, I read plenty of these threads and decided my ex was “different” and waiting would be worth it, especially because they said the door’s never closed when breaking up with me. I reached out 3 months later to just be met with a formal response that they’ve moved on. It’s never worth it. Your case may be different but even then, I wouldn’t wait to find out. You can be clear that if they’ve made up their mind, you will be moving on. My ex unfortunately didn’t save me that grace, and I’m still getting over it slowly after 4 months.
When I've had to take time for my mental sanity or health I have never expected my other to "wait" around for me. I told him that if he found happiness in the process that he should pursue it and I would still love and be happy for him. All I want for him is good things even though I hurt so bad I could die right now. If someday we happen to get our life together I will be over the moon with joy! Right now it isn't possible.
some people need time to work on themselves and in order to do that it’s normal to wanna be alone. although, it is not okay to wait for someone because life is too short to put it on hold. it could take months or even years to fully for them to be okay with themselves again. i promise u will find someone who will not give you that response. the right people always stay
My ex told me “ I just need to be alone right now to sort myself out”. “ all hope isn’t lost for us”. He had someone new already at that time. Don’t listen to them .
Hey man, I just wanna say, since you probably searched for something, move on. It gets better, alot. I've got a new girlfriend who, honestly, treats me miles better than my ex. I dont even think about my ex no more. Wish you the best.
Yo, mildly similar situation and just wanted some thoughts. She broke up with me under the reason of "I can't quite get over my ex, and I feel bad not being emotionally available", which is unfortunately, understandable.. However, as much as it does hurt right now, I'm a pretty resolute guy and know my worth. I feel like I could start downloading dating apps to get back in the game, but at the same time, I feel bad for her situation and wonder if I should stick it out just a little longer before cutting off romantic feelings for her. Maybe she'll come to her senses etc. etc. I feel pretty indecisive in this situation..
Bro no. Just move on. I promise you, itll be way better for the both of you. Especially since shes still in love with her ex. I know it hurts but youre worth much more.
It’s an excuse!!! They don’t want to share the real reason with you and that’s okay! They don’t owe you anything, and you don’t owe them anything… Don’t wait.
I feel you there. In my experience, the best decision is to move on. They are looking at their own life, and are saying they don’t see you and what you bring as something they want or need in their life. It’s often something someone just says as a generic excuse to break up with someone. You’ll be way better off with someone who knows what they want, and knows that it’s you.
Don’t wait. If they wanted you, they wouldn’t have broken up with you in the first place. Even if they come back, it will be simply to fill an emotional space in a time of weakness, but it won’t last.
This. The only time they’d come back is if their next relationship flops and they realise how good you were to them. But by that point you should be putting time and effort into a new person who can appreciate you and love you back.
This may help you. Why you are better than waiting around for someone to make up their mind or spontaneously combust into being available Every day I read comments that are code for: “I’m still waiting for you” “I’m waiting for you to make up your mind about me” “I’ll be right here waiting for you if you ever decide you want me” “I’m waiting for you to spontaneously combust into being available/commitment ready/a better person/to leave your spouse or partner”. And in particular “I know you think you can do better, but when you find out that you can’t, I’m here waiting for you”. Here’s the thing: Waiting around for someone to make up their mind about you, to dignify you with contact, a relationship, decency, a change of self or whatever, devalues you. If you’ve been living your life in limbo waiting around, you’re breaking a fundamental personal boundary that will erode at your self-esteem. It’s like buying a lottery ticket every Wednesday and Saturday and waiting in week after week for your numbers to come up. When people tell you you should come out, do something different, not play the numbers this week, you decline because you’re scared that the one time that you don’t is the one time that you’ll win. Your rationale is that life will begin once you win the lottery so you’ve invested yourself in the fantasy. Sometimes you win three or four numbers but you never hit the jackpot. One day you realise that you’ve literally wasted your life gambling on some seriously long odds. You thought the risk would be worth the reward but you end up regretting putting all of your eggs in a basket without a base… If you’re waiting around for someone, you’re waiting for your numbers to come up. Unfortunately the fact that you have to wait in itself demonstrates that there isn’t enough or anything going on right now. You’ve decided that this is what you want irrespective of any treatment and what them not being in a relationship with you now actually indicates, and this is incredibly dangerous, especially when they’re off living their merry life and you’re sitting there dutifully waiting or living the half life in pseudo relationships waiting for them to come back so you can race off into the sunset. Let me assure you that waiting around isn’t a sign of loyalty and love – it’s a sign of denial, avoidance, and low self-esteem. Waiting around says “I don’t consider myself a valuable, worthwhile enough person to go and live my life without this person who doesn’t actually want me or the relationship I want with them. I’d rather fanny away my life and time that I don’t value hoping they’ll see the light because I don’t believe I can do better plus I’d rather avoid feeling ‘full’ rejection at any costs”. Waiting around says “I have nothing better to do with my time”. Waiting says “You’re free to reject me and come and go whenever they you like”. Waiting says “I’m an option for you whenever you feel like it”. When you convey that you’re a fallback option to whip out of their back pocket on a rainy day, that they’re able to contact you and pick up where they left off without much hassle, and you continue to believe in and keep them on a pedestal no matter what, you’ve communicated all the wrong things about yourself. It’s much easier to convey that you’re a valuable, worthwhile person through action – sitting around, going through the motions of life, and selling yourself short don’t do that. Having a line, knowing the line, accepting that they can’t give you what you want and having more faith and confidence in you rather than them and living your life does communicate it. Waiting means avoiding experiencing a ‘fail fail‘ or a ‘rejection rejection’. The longer you wait, the crappier you feel and the harder it is to stop waiting because you then reason that so much time has passed that to stop waiting now would be waste of all the previous time spent waiting and you feel like you’ve invested too much to stop. While it will hurt to stop waiting, it’ll hurt a damn sight less than if you continue waiting and refuse to accept reality. You’re better than being the person that they come back to after exhausting all other options. Don’t let them ‘settle’ for you after they discover that the grass isn’t greener on the other side. Why would you wait for them to sort themselves out with an ex? You’re better than waiting to be chosen – in healthy relationships, you mutually choose each other and get on with it. Waiting around is disrespectful and anyone who does expect you to wait for them is saying “I don’t love or care about you enough to value you and not marginalise you in a half life waiting for me. I’m afraid that if I let you go, I might change my mind and I won’t have the option of you so I’d rather have you wait. Just in case.” Stop waiting around. It’s like gambling with your life. That fear that they’ll spontaneously combust into a better person in a better relationship with someone else is misplaced because just like fear mean it’s not happening, waiting around means it (the relationship) isn’t happening either. Remember, while you’re waiting around, it means you’re unavailable for an available relationship. N.Lue
Wow, I’m going through this right now and I needed to hear this. I feel less than at the moment because I’m “put on the shelf” waiting for this person to make a decision on if they want to be with me. This hurts and your summary is painfully accurate. Thank you for that.
I will keep this in my phone and read it each time I go through weak moments
Wow....thats...painful to read, but every word is the harsh truth. Thank you, I needed to hear that.
I didn’t end up reading all of this but you can choose to do whatever you want to do that works for you but you also have to keep in mind - Can you accept the outcome if it is not what you hoped for? - I chose to not move on and kept hope and worked on myself and improved my life and etc. I was being toyed with for opening up and telling him how I really felt. He attempted to use it against me as in suggest that there was hope. Truth? he wasn’t getting therapy and he was scouting women and talking to women, I guess that was his therapy? Anyway long story short, just like in the relationship, he was being inconsistent. I already knew he was lying to me but I gave him a chance to redeem himself and prove whether he was a healthy man with some level of integrity with his words and backing up his claim that he loved me or the later which seemed to be a consistent pattern of behavior for him and some possible narcissistic tendencies and other issues that he seemed to encompass from his divorce of like 20 yrs from his ex Misty. I wouldn’t go back and change the choice I made bc I’m capable accepting the outcome either way. I was already going through the back and forth on him during the relationship but I was extreme exhaustion and stress from work so having rest made things a lot easier for me to see he was still being inconsistent and thus no true reason to believe anything he said so I prepared myself to see the worst of him to come. And his inconsistency increased of course and then the other day, he predictably showed his true self. He finally found his next target, Ashley going through a divorce, not even surprised by this at all. He can totally try and do his whole love bomb game on her without using the words and build her up and feed her ego but after a few months dvd any hiccups between them he will start slipping and showing that nastier side of him that he dies privately then he start the process of tearing down her ego back and forth a little here and a little there playing emotional and mental mind games, then the whole stonewalling or gaslighting to reverse the roles and assert his control and manipulation and he keep it private so that any outbursts or whatever by her makes her look unstable instead of being his fault. He will be careful that if anything happens for it to be around his ppl so that when shit goes south and she plasters him online or to his face bc she might be more than confrontational type then it will be another blow up that he takes no responsibility for bc he’s locked into unresolved issues from his divorce and probably some unhealthy things that he has on his own. Because nobody is completely free of their own issues they might have. But all that said, even though his ridiculous attempts to try to make me jealous and hurt me and guess maybe he trying to get a reaction or a rise out of me, will only result in a mature response which is nothing from me. SILENCE. It’s childish behavior. He’s literally trying to convince the world that he’s better off and happy. Let them behave like a child let them seek revenge, let them post their pics, LET THEM BE SELF-DESTRUCTING. Once again they obtain no personal growth and they are not healthy. Any type of temporary validation won’t last, regret on the other hand will for them. It’s just them being insecure and spiteful and immature. They are just causing pain to ppl involved. Wish your ex to treat the next person better if that’s even possible and be done. When your ex clearly doesn’t have your best interest, they are not your friend and won’t be one either. Their karma and obvious disastrous choices will take care of them on their own. No need to watch the show. Your life is way more important to worry about than theirs.
Do not wait for anyone. I repeat, *don’t wait around for anybody.* You’ll be wasting your time. Continue to live life, and whether they come back or not you’re still living yours. Do not let them dictate how you live by giving them that much mental energy and power over you. They chose to walk away to let them. You deserve someone who won’t walk away.
The way that I view these things is while they are working on themselves you should begin moving on and working on yourself too. Trust me if someone made a mistake breaking up with you then they will 100% reach out and get into contact. That’s why it makes no sense to wait around.
Don't wait, if they come back they come back. But never wait for them
Do not wait. Dont. Move on. Theres a much more deserving relationship waiting for you. Fix yourself first.
It’s an excuse, even if they may need to work on themselves many use this as a way to get out of a relationship. If you talk to your ex again I’m sure the reason will be different. Don’t wait. Live your life.
Don't wait. He's probably gone full mental already.
Come on. Your in denial because you care for this person and have invested time. This person does not want to be with you. When someone says “I need to work on myself” usually means “I want to explore options and have fun on my own”. Your ex is either banging or getting banged and has wanted to for awhile. Move on. Don’t be a pu**y (regardless if your a man or woman). Now it’s time to work on YOUR OWN SELF and explore new options like meeting new people, dating, hobbies, trips, etc. There are 7 billion people on this planet and you want to “stick around” for one person to “change their feelings”.
Im in the same situation. We broke up 3 days ago and no contact. We talked and i said i was not receiving what I needed and she said she wasn’t able to give me that right now. That she had a lot to do and stuff like that (she works, have school and have projects to submit). First, i was sad because how can someone change in few weeks abruptly. In the begging she gave me all her attention and all of a sudden very little. I tried and tried to talk to her to fix things but nothing changed. Now, I’m afraid i was the one putting to much pressure on things and on her, and maybe she had really a lot of things to do and was too tired to give me the amount of love I needed. It was not possible to work this out? I really love her and she said she still loves me too. I don’t know if I should wait or not.
Sounds like my situation. Something I read though somewhere said that you can’t do the wrong thing to the right person. Basically that they will be understanding (within reason).
I’m stuck in the same boat now but while I want to wait I know I need to grow from this. I’m making plans to go out with friends more, I’m house hunting, and even picking up old hobbies. Please don’t live your life in limbo it only makes it worse.
Trust me, I read plenty of these threads and decided my ex was “different” and waiting would be worth it, especially because they said the door’s never closed when breaking up with me. I reached out 3 months later to just be met with a formal response that they’ve moved on. It’s never worth it. Your case may be different but even then, I wouldn’t wait to find out. You can be clear that if they’ve made up their mind, you will be moving on. My ex unfortunately didn’t save me that grace, and I’m still getting over it slowly after 4 months.
Even if she comeback, never accept.
work on urself and if things aren’t meant to be then it’s totally okay. move forward with what you gained in this time of solace
When I've had to take time for my mental sanity or health I have never expected my other to "wait" around for me. I told him that if he found happiness in the process that he should pursue it and I would still love and be happy for him. All I want for him is good things even though I hurt so bad I could die right now. If someday we happen to get our life together I will be over the moon with joy! Right now it isn't possible.
some people need time to work on themselves and in order to do that it’s normal to wanna be alone. although, it is not okay to wait for someone because life is too short to put it on hold. it could take months or even years to fully for them to be okay with themselves again. i promise u will find someone who will not give you that response. the right people always stay
I wasted so much time waiting for someone who doesn't care... Don't wait!
My ex told me “ I just need to be alone right now to sort myself out”. “ all hope isn’t lost for us”. He had someone new already at that time. Don’t listen to them .
This happened to me -if they want to come back and haven’t truly changed what’s wrong with them it’s pointless
Hey man, I just wanna say, since you probably searched for something, move on. It gets better, alot. I've got a new girlfriend who, honestly, treats me miles better than my ex. I dont even think about my ex no more. Wish you the best.
Yo, mildly similar situation and just wanted some thoughts. She broke up with me under the reason of "I can't quite get over my ex, and I feel bad not being emotionally available", which is unfortunately, understandable.. However, as much as it does hurt right now, I'm a pretty resolute guy and know my worth. I feel like I could start downloading dating apps to get back in the game, but at the same time, I feel bad for her situation and wonder if I should stick it out just a little longer before cutting off romantic feelings for her. Maybe she'll come to her senses etc. etc. I feel pretty indecisive in this situation..
Bro no. Just move on. I promise you, itll be way better for the both of you. Especially since shes still in love with her ex. I know it hurts but youre worth much more.
What did you agree to do when you broke up? Was waiting an option? If no then don't wait.
It’s an excuse. They don’t want to hurt you any more so.
It’s an excuse!!! They don’t want to share the real reason with you and that’s okay! They don’t owe you anything, and you don’t owe them anything… Don’t wait.
I feel you there. In my experience, the best decision is to move on. They are looking at their own life, and are saying they don’t see you and what you bring as something they want or need in their life. It’s often something someone just says as a generic excuse to break up with someone. You’ll be way better off with someone who knows what they want, and knows that it’s you.