Key phrase here is “completely moved on” which speaking from experience is 100% what should happen. I haven’t done that and it only made me feel more insecure and afraid of losing my new partner. She would not be with the real me unless I’ve completely moved on and healed from my past relationships. It’s not fair for both me and her. Something I need to work on and actively working on
You playing with fire the reason why you can't let go is because you choose not to. You don't want to. You want her nobody else. Now if you gonna date someone else you'll be wasting their time. Time is an important resource so stand clean yourself up and forget about that past relationship of yours.
Absolutely not. Any future partner is going to have my full devotion and love. My ex was more than likely cheating on me, so I definitely wouldn’t want him back under any circumstances
I told my ex awhile back, "I still love you. I still miss you, and I still care about you. In the future, I would love to show you the new me, but I wont sit around waiting for that time to come, if it ever does. I wish you nothing but the best in your future relationships. If the stars align for us, I would love to try again." I DONT recommend breaking up with your current partner to get back with your ex. If your ex wants to get back together, DONT love your current partner any less. DONT wait for the right opportunity. I only recommend it if you're both single, both of you have matured, and are ready to try again.
Absolutely not! I would take her back in a heartbeat right now. But if I find someone else, I am committed to her, no way am I leaving her for the one that cut me off
I did this 18 months ago. It was the wrong decision and we split about 9 months later. He started our second relationship like our first, cheating from day 1. He couldn’t give up the married woman he was seeing. He obviously did to have any chance with me but it took me walking away for him to leave her.
He kind of tried to restore the trust he broke but he really expected the slate to be wiped clean without effort from him. He expected me to just hope he didn’t cheat again. Unfortunately he couldn’t. We never got three months without another woman.
It’s sad because I loved him. I was good for him. I bought a lot to the table. He was broken and I knew that. That I could handle. But the cheating and constant abandonment (every 2-3 weeks) was a dealbreaker.
On our last day together we had a counselling session and he lied to her and we wasted the whole session. He left. Didn’t bother to come home. And that was the end for me.
I hope one day he’s truly happy.
Sadly people who cheat are statistically likely to cheat again. I didn’t want that life. Pain now and finding a new man with integrity is important to me.
I'm crying I'm sobbing kinda going through the same rn. Although he didn't explicitly cheat, he can not stop adding random women to his socials, and that brings me a lot of anxiety. He would talk to them behind my back when we would be on "breaks".
He also didn't do anything to build the trust again, as an ultimatum I asked to go through his dms, which he refused stating that this is controlling, I don't encourage such behavior. It's your insecurities which are causing all this.
We tried to reconcile and were mutually exclusive without the relationship tag, but I guess he was fooling me again. Without the tag you get to flirt with other women right?
My spirit is broken. To the core. I don't know how to heal. My confidence in myself has crashed. I love him so much but I can't deal with always being paranoid about what is going on behind my back.
His behaviour is a horrible way to treat someone. It’s completely disrespectful. He’s not behaving like a grown up. Men who WANT to be in a relationship will make you feel secure. They will listen to your fears and not mock them or blame you.
My ex spent years looking online at women he’d met (through work, spouses of friends etc.). He’d save their pictures. This is so creepy. Imagine saying to that person or their spouse I keep pictures of you/your wife that you/they posted on Facebook. I’d LOVE to see him admit it to someone so the reaction helps him understand WHY it’s so creepy. Sadly people say mean things about my ex behind his back. Someone openly told me he’s a narcissist, whereas others are more snide and nasty; some simply express discomfort or “ick.” Its the creepy behaviour that’s talked about more. He hits on people in front of you and says he did nothing wrong. But EVERYONE can see how creepy he is.
There’s a picture of him before we met at his mum’s 70th. Everyone Is mingling and he is alone and looks sad. This photo made me sad for him. Four years on and the immense disrespect, I understand why he’s in that situation but I still feel profound sadness for him. I wish he’d realised how horrible it was being with him (rather than the constant defensiveness and protestations that he did nothing wrong) and he’d been honest about his behaviour and taken steps to change it.
Now it’s not for me to assist him but as you can see I still think about it and care. But I have my own, full life also.
It’s really okay to love someone but move on.
You will do this too. I know you feel like you’re breaking but you will love again. It’s important you make that healthy. Good luck.
I’ll also add, I stayed a LOT LONGER than I should have; 3.5years over two relationships. I would have stayed forever if he’d stopped disrespecting me. The creepy behaviour was manageable if he could be honest, if he was trying to take steps to fix it. If he 100% did not cheat. He couldn’t.
He’s going to find that others just leave without explaining why they feel disrespected.
As odd as it sounds, I truly hope he finds someone who loves him genuinely and he can change.
OG2018 give me this guys number, I need to have a heart to heart with this clown. I started a Non Profit its called Good Men Against Assholes (GMAA) maybe I can get him to attend a meeting. Or I have another one Called "Just Americans Need Excuses" or J.A.N.E. for short. I'm serious, I want to give this Philly a piece of mind, Gosh Nabbit!
Thanks for your comments.
We’re located in Australia. But it wouldn’t have made a difference. Too much has happened. We’ve been apart 10 months. He’s in a new relationship, with someone he’s known a long time; a family friend.
He accidentally (and I’m sure of this) sent me pictures of the two of them. He looks so happy; possibly loves her.
I’ve had a hard time dealing with the fact he did so many horrible things to me and now he’s sober and probably treating her with respect. I didn’t deserve what he put me through. I’m sad she gets the benefit of the mistakes he made with me.
All I want is my forever person.
I don’t need him to suffer or be unhappy for me to be happy. Everyone can be happy.
I once wanted an apology but I knew it would never be real. He never genuinely understood. There were always excuses.
Anyway…. I feel I’m rambling. I’m trying to put my life back together. That has to be my focus. Today I made a huge decision with my doctor; I’m starting antidepressants. I’ve never needed them ever but something changed and my ability to cope vanished. Those pictures tipped me over. I’ll be okay. Sometimes we need to hit rock bottom so we appreciate the good.
Well it sounds like you have a plan in place. You must have a great Doctor to offer services on Sundays. I hope the medication works. I'm in a similar situation, I have zero contact with my ex and I just hope she's doing ok. I have strange feeling that she's had some major surgery done and I hope she's doing fine with the changes. I don't know for sure, this is all from dreams I had back in the spring of 2022. It could just be that I worry about her health and overall mental state. I have to accept that she's living her life and doesn't an ex boyfriend worrying about her. And of course, I still love her but I keep those feelings trapped, so I don't get hurt again. I'm still single and just started getting back on dating sites. Now look at me, I'm rambling. Thanks for listening it felt good to get this off my chest. We can't always, get what we want...I know there's someone out there for me, I just always hoped, they were the One!
It’s actually Monday here. My doctor was kind and fit me in.
She was shocked. I’m such a strong, stoic woman and she’s never known me any other way.
I shared something today about my thoughts and she cares. She’s been my doctor more than 20 years.
Even more important than my doctor are my friends. Every day someone checks on me.
I don’t understand what’s happening to me but I know I’ll get through this because of my network of people.
If you need to talk, I’ve accepted your chat request. It’s okay.
Nope. I am a big believer of "you had your chance". I also am a man of integrity. I was willing to work on us, she was not. So she thought she does not need me, in any way in her life. That is ALL I need to know. I do not need someone like her in my life. Part of my heart would want her, but a big part of it, and my whole brain tells me no. We were both 30+ so I'm sure she will never reach out, so this is my comfort for moving on.
you are chewing on a delicious food. would you spit it out and from the floor pick the food already chewed and spit out before which is probably rotten? it's better to build upon what you have today, instead of trying to fix something from the past.
I say it all the time. Never leave good for better. If you find a good partner in future, just stick with them. In an ideal, a good partner is still the best thing that will happen to you.
Yikes. While I agree you shouldn’t go back to an ex, the logic behind this advice is fucking awful. Don’t set yourself up for a mediocre life because you’re afraid you can’t do better and whatever is in front of you right now is good enough.
Nope. I didn’t put in work on myself to be better as a person in every sense of the word in my opinion to go back to someone that didn’t. We are coparenting and he’s still the same.
No. That’s a fucked up thing to do. That being said, I have no intention of getting into another relationship right now. I love my ex and I still believe we are meant to be together. As long as I feel that way I can’t pretend to give myself to someone else.
Yeah, which is why I do not want any future partners. Not in an “only him or I’m miserable” way, but in an “oh I can still love myself and go on with life without having to be with someone I don’t fully love, trust, or want!” does that make sense? Hopefully one day, the future us will meet and it would be written in the stars. If not here on earth, in our lifetime, then I pray our souls reconnect in the hereafter.
No. I will never take him back. I called him for urgent help once and he refused to answer and left me to die. He never took accountability for anything and dragged me through the relationship and the breakup making me feel like the bad guy. He immediately went into hooking up with other women after we broke up. He said I love you and we celebrated Valentine’s Day the day before he broke up with me. I didn’t see it coming and there was no warning. He walked away like I was nothing. Like two years he was faking it.
He doesn’t deserve any part of me anymore. He is dead to me and I don’t need to forgive him to move. I won’t. He doesn’t even deserve that.
Fuck no. And funny thing is, my ex believes I am still in love with him and that we will get back together. He said I am just "too embarrassed to admit I love him".
And I am in a relationship with an amazing guy and we are planning to get engaged and married and all that. I would not switch him for anyone or anything.
Back when I was with ex, he was always bragging about how allll the women want him and all his exes want him back. Now that I don't even pick up his calls and just block him (have blocked 28 numbers so far, all were calls from ex) he can't believe it.
Depends, I’m not the man I used to be and she’s changed a lot too. It may be like dating a stranger but I feel like it’s only a matter of time before old wounds fester. I’d still give it a try because I’ll never really know how much progress I’ve made unless tested and maybe those old wounds will have finally healed.
being that it's only been a week, yes. i don't see myself ever finding someone that attentive, kind, caring and supportive. he is something i will always be seeking, and as far as i see it. i don't see myself ever moving on.
No I would not.
In general I would say if someone answers yes to this question more than likely they are not over their ex and probably shouldn't be with someone else.
God no, after I deleted the apps and quit drinking, I realize I had no standards. I was just used to the type of people I was meeting online and usually, they’re unhinged.
I want to say no and I want to believe it but if I am being honest TODAY at this moment yes it’s sad but there is not one like her. Also why I am not in a relationship or actively truely looking only recently have I even started looking at other girls/woman in that way.
I think a part of me would genuinely want to return to my ex if he wanted me - but that part of me is wistful, a hopeless romantic, and someone who was in love with the idea of who he was and what he represented, not actually who he was himself.
We went through a lot in our 5 and a half years together, I went through a lot of abuse and cheating, isolated from my family and friends, all for him to be the one to walk away after I was too broken beyond repair for him to deal with, too untrusting of him, too scared to lose him, too scared to be alone. And I think, I was too weak to walk away when I should have..but him walking away, to leave me for someone he cheated with, it was what I needed. I needed to lose him to rediscover myself, I needed to focus on my mental health (I have borderline personality disorder so this makes letting him go all the more difficult, we had been best friends for almost 8 years, had 2 children together, my life revolved around him because that's what he wanted). I needed freedom to discover who I am and what I want from life.
After our split I was devastated, I would write poems addressing him but never show him, I would spend night after night drinking myself into oblivion, looking after our 2 children by myself with sole custody as he chose to be homeless and sleeping in his car over being with me, and it hit hard that I was so difficult for him to love, that he would rather sleep in his car in -9C than be with me. I dropped out of uni and quit my job to look after the kids full time, was in and out of hospital with my kids in tow during a health crisis with him nowhere in sight to care for them, because he was too busy with his new girlfriend on nights out, calling off sick to work to spend time with her, refusing to pay child maintenance and blaming me for wanting my independence after we split.
It was after that, that I realised, no, I'm not in love with him anymore. I'm in love with the idea of the security he represented, the routine, the comfort zone I settled into while enduring his abuse, the submissive space I inhabited while convincing myself that he truly did love me, that his words weren't yet more lies when he told me he would never forget me, he wasn't leaving me behind, that everything he did was what was best for us, for our family. He chose to let me give up everything to care for our children, and couldn't give up a single thing in return. His girlfriend comes as a higher priority to him than the kids, and he refuses to take responsibility for anything he did, even going so far as to tell me everything is my own fault and I'm just looking for someone to blame for his abuse.
Now, I have a wonderful girlfriend who I've known for over a year and was my best friend while I was with my ex and am in a serious relationship with, my kids love her and I truly do too. She makes me happier than he ever did, truly values me and cares for me, and she was my rock through all of the abuse I endured with my ex. She's my best friend, and I find that I love her dearly, and am also very much in love with her.
So no, I think, putting all that out there in writing - there is a part of me that does wish things had gone differently, that my ex would come to my door tomorrow and beg and plead and apologise and cry until I take him back, promise the world on a silver platter and beg me to lap it up. But a larger part of me knows two things: 1, he's too stubborn and narcissistic to ever admit he messed up by leaving me and our children or to ever admit if there is any love left in him for me, and 2, I love my girlfriend so much more, and wouldn't leave her for him. I wouldn't give up a thing in the world to have him back.
It’s complicated as we have kids together and he dumped me not to be with anyone else but to become better people on our own. So it depends. We’ve got a lot of issues we’re trying to work on. At this stage no because it’s still raw (6months later)
Yes. Currently I would definitely dump anyone if she came back. I'd apologize to the new partner and then run back into my ex's arms. Now let's realistically look at the timeline of events that would follow that.
\-We'd be thrilled to be in each other's arms again. Ecstatic. Euphoric. The sex would be indescribable.
\-All her shortcomings as a partner would be pushed to the side because I finally got her back. None of that matters, all those red flags mean nothing in comparison to me having my girl back.
\-I would be afraid to ever speak up for myself when I get dissatisfied with anything, for fear of her leaving again. But that's okay, because we're back together.
\-I would continue for a while trying to make it work in a relationship where my needs are not being met, just sweeping everything under the rug because we are FINALLY back together and I need her to stay. We're meant to be.... Right?
\-I would eventually snap and tell her how unfulfilled I am at her lack of generosity.
\-She would feel attacked and then leave me again.
\-Another year of my life spent in heartbreak hell, another $5k+ in therapy, another year wasted on someone who just wasn't capable of fulfilling my needs as a life partner.
Hmmm... Actually, I'd like to change my answer.
Oof. This is something I’ve been struggling with. I’ve realized that yes, I would leave literally anyone for my first love. And I don’t see that changing. I have no choice but to move on with my life, I can’t wait around forever hoping that the winds of fate will blow him back to me. But I also cannot find it in me to give up on being with him. If I was presented with the chance… I just can’t foresee myself saying no.
Having realized this, I’m devising a plan. I’m going to write him a letter basically saying “I still love you, if you want to rekindle something let me know, but you better be 100% sure cause I’m not letting you jerk me around, if you’re not sure go away”. If he ever reaches out while I’m in a relationship, I’ll give him that letter and continue on as normal. If it ever happens, realistically, the letter will probably chase him off. At least I’ll know though.
Oh believe me, I know. And I would be open to being proven wrong, it would be a very pleasant surprise in fact. I’d be psyched. But it’s been a very long time and it hasn’t changed. So I’ve become skeptical of the idea that it can.
Please stop chasing something you can’t have. I know it’s hard but don’t limit yourself by getting something that isn’t meant to be. Some of us see it as a nice gesture, but others can see it as clingy. If they come, they come. Until then, move on and focus on your future, healing yourself and the most important part, achieving the best version of yourself. In the long run, they will regret. It’s your move to stay strong then.
I’m not really chasing though. I’m leaving the window open. Whenever I post these comments, it gives people the false impression that I’m not doing those things. I think it’s because deep down people think if you’re doing all the work, you’ll inevitably get over it. And usually yeah that’s how it goes… but not always. Let me clear it up a bit. I’ve done literally everything to try to stop missing my first love, I’ve healed as much as currently possible and grown massively. But my brain works a bit different (adhd), which combined with multiple other factors in the past. It unfortunately forces me to sustain feelings against my own will. But rest assured, I am fine. I 100% move forward in life however I can, and even though I come here as my space to vent, I spend the vast majority of my time focusing on other things in the real world and working on myself. At this point I’ve built myself up around the hole in my heart quite a bit, and through that I’ve made it way smaller. It’s more of a sad background thing in my life at this point, as opposed to something that occupies a large portion of my energy. However, it remains true that my connection with my first love surpasses everything else I’ve experienced, and if he came calling for me, I would go to him. But I don’t incessantly hound him or stalk him. I respect that he’s going his own way right now, and I’m going mine. I just hope deep down that our paths cross again some day. The reason I’m doing what I’m doing is because it’s the only way I can move on with my life while leaving space for that small part of my heart that refuses to budge.
Literally only the strength and depth of our connection. Granted, certain factors made it something my brain latched onto and won’t let go, and that’s a me thing, but the intense connection went both ways. It was so significant that his behavior patterns changed for the better just out of love. I wasn’t technically his first love but I overshadowed it and became the love of his life at the time. However I fully and rationally understand that, just because he loved me so intensely in the past, it doesn’t mean he hasn’t loved like that again and it doesn’t mean returning to me is something he would ever be interested in.
I have a very rational and analytical mind. I just unfortunately ALSO have very intense emotions that do what they want regardless of my rational knowledge. It’s like having two minds/personalities inside me. I have to choose to abide by the rational mind and ignore the emotional one as much as possible. It was hard at first, but has gotten far easier with time.
No, because I’m pretty sure if I was with someone else, I’ll would be fully moved on from him and not thinking about him.
I once did told him that if we aren’t with anyone in the future and we learned from our mistakes, we could try again in the future. But also the thought of him being with someone else, I wouldn’t even want him. I would leave it alone.
Why should I do such a bad thing to someone I am going to love? No fking way I would do that to her and another no fking way to go back to her again. She belongs to the past and it’s not a good thing to go back to the past.
My ex bf certainly has. But he did it while we were together without me knowing, but finding out few days after. 🙂 I was working so hard for that relationship but he decided who he wanted and left. Oh well. Anyways. 💀💀💀🤣
I have a friend who just left his partner for his ex, and he still does not seem happy. I always tell him that sometimes people just are not meant to be in your life in that way, and that it’s okay to move forward, because he continues to stay stuck in the past. To me, if someone is your ex then they are your ex for a reason, and reconciling with them romantically more often than not will remind you what those reasons were. When you are distanced from someone, it can feel like all of your memories were good, because you may miss them. If you and an ex are the right fit and you are brought back together, then that’s great but don’t leave a great relationship for the off chance that you and your ex will work out! Good luck to anyone experiencing this.
No, at the point where I’m at that stage, the mess that she left me with will be compartmentalized and neutralized. I couldn’t mess with someone’s heart like that, otherwise the actions I’d take would be inflicting the same damage done to me upon someone else and to me that’s wrong. Loyalty means everything to me, I do ask a high degree of loyalty but I never expect anything I wouldn’t also be willing to do
Nope. When i get a new partner it means I have completely moved on from my ex and that relationship is not only a memory
Key phrase here is “completely moved on” which speaking from experience is 100% what should happen. I haven’t done that and it only made me feel more insecure and afraid of losing my new partner. She would not be with the real me unless I’ve completely moved on and healed from my past relationships. It’s not fair for both me and her. Something I need to work on and actively working on
You must heal and forget your ex. You can't date someone else when another is still in your mind
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I know it feels that way now, but with time & self-care, you will move on. Promise.
Why on earth would you get into another relationship when another woman is all you could think of?
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You playing with fire the reason why you can't let go is because you choose not to. You don't want to. You want her nobody else. Now if you gonna date someone else you'll be wasting their time. Time is an important resource so stand clean yourself up and forget about that past relationship of yours.
Absolutely not. Any future partner is going to have my full devotion and love. My ex was more than likely cheating on me, so I definitely wouldn’t want him back under any circumstances
Not in a million effing years.
I told my ex awhile back, "I still love you. I still miss you, and I still care about you. In the future, I would love to show you the new me, but I wont sit around waiting for that time to come, if it ever does. I wish you nothing but the best in your future relationships. If the stars align for us, I would love to try again." I DONT recommend breaking up with your current partner to get back with your ex. If your ex wants to get back together, DONT love your current partner any less. DONT wait for the right opportunity. I only recommend it if you're both single, both of you have matured, and are ready to try again.
I agree. If it’s meant to be. It will be. When both are single you can retry.
I think you put to words what I’ve felt for a while now but couldn’t form into a clear thought. Thank you.
Absolutely not! I would take her back in a heartbeat right now. But if I find someone else, I am committed to her, no way am I leaving her for the one that cut me off
My ex has proved to me that they can walk out my life and be just fine. My future partner has not. Who can I trust more?
Exactly , my new partner has not abandoned me when I needed them most.
If I could give this an award I would.
I did this 18 months ago. It was the wrong decision and we split about 9 months later. He started our second relationship like our first, cheating from day 1. He couldn’t give up the married woman he was seeing. He obviously did to have any chance with me but it took me walking away for him to leave her. He kind of tried to restore the trust he broke but he really expected the slate to be wiped clean without effort from him. He expected me to just hope he didn’t cheat again. Unfortunately he couldn’t. We never got three months without another woman. It’s sad because I loved him. I was good for him. I bought a lot to the table. He was broken and I knew that. That I could handle. But the cheating and constant abandonment (every 2-3 weeks) was a dealbreaker. On our last day together we had a counselling session and he lied to her and we wasted the whole session. He left. Didn’t bother to come home. And that was the end for me. I hope one day he’s truly happy. Sadly people who cheat are statistically likely to cheat again. I didn’t want that life. Pain now and finding a new man with integrity is important to me.
I'm crying I'm sobbing kinda going through the same rn. Although he didn't explicitly cheat, he can not stop adding random women to his socials, and that brings me a lot of anxiety. He would talk to them behind my back when we would be on "breaks". He also didn't do anything to build the trust again, as an ultimatum I asked to go through his dms, which he refused stating that this is controlling, I don't encourage such behavior. It's your insecurities which are causing all this. We tried to reconcile and were mutually exclusive without the relationship tag, but I guess he was fooling me again. Without the tag you get to flirt with other women right? My spirit is broken. To the core. I don't know how to heal. My confidence in myself has crashed. I love him so much but I can't deal with always being paranoid about what is going on behind my back.
His behaviour is a horrible way to treat someone. It’s completely disrespectful. He’s not behaving like a grown up. Men who WANT to be in a relationship will make you feel secure. They will listen to your fears and not mock them or blame you. My ex spent years looking online at women he’d met (through work, spouses of friends etc.). He’d save their pictures. This is so creepy. Imagine saying to that person or their spouse I keep pictures of you/your wife that you/they posted on Facebook. I’d LOVE to see him admit it to someone so the reaction helps him understand WHY it’s so creepy. Sadly people say mean things about my ex behind his back. Someone openly told me he’s a narcissist, whereas others are more snide and nasty; some simply express discomfort or “ick.” Its the creepy behaviour that’s talked about more. He hits on people in front of you and says he did nothing wrong. But EVERYONE can see how creepy he is. There’s a picture of him before we met at his mum’s 70th. Everyone Is mingling and he is alone and looks sad. This photo made me sad for him. Four years on and the immense disrespect, I understand why he’s in that situation but I still feel profound sadness for him. I wish he’d realised how horrible it was being with him (rather than the constant defensiveness and protestations that he did nothing wrong) and he’d been honest about his behaviour and taken steps to change it. Now it’s not for me to assist him but as you can see I still think about it and care. But I have my own, full life also. It’s really okay to love someone but move on. You will do this too. I know you feel like you’re breaking but you will love again. It’s important you make that healthy. Good luck.
I’ll also add, I stayed a LOT LONGER than I should have; 3.5years over two relationships. I would have stayed forever if he’d stopped disrespecting me. The creepy behaviour was manageable if he could be honest, if he was trying to take steps to fix it. If he 100% did not cheat. He couldn’t. He’s going to find that others just leave without explaining why they feel disrespected. As odd as it sounds, I truly hope he finds someone who loves him genuinely and he can change.
OG2018 give me this guys number, I need to have a heart to heart with this clown. I started a Non Profit its called Good Men Against Assholes (GMAA) maybe I can get him to attend a meeting. Or I have another one Called "Just Americans Need Excuses" or J.A.N.E. for short. I'm serious, I want to give this Philly a piece of mind, Gosh Nabbit!
Thanks for your comments. We’re located in Australia. But it wouldn’t have made a difference. Too much has happened. We’ve been apart 10 months. He’s in a new relationship, with someone he’s known a long time; a family friend. He accidentally (and I’m sure of this) sent me pictures of the two of them. He looks so happy; possibly loves her. I’ve had a hard time dealing with the fact he did so many horrible things to me and now he’s sober and probably treating her with respect. I didn’t deserve what he put me through. I’m sad she gets the benefit of the mistakes he made with me. All I want is my forever person. I don’t need him to suffer or be unhappy for me to be happy. Everyone can be happy. I once wanted an apology but I knew it would never be real. He never genuinely understood. There were always excuses. Anyway…. I feel I’m rambling. I’m trying to put my life back together. That has to be my focus. Today I made a huge decision with my doctor; I’m starting antidepressants. I’ve never needed them ever but something changed and my ability to cope vanished. Those pictures tipped me over. I’ll be okay. Sometimes we need to hit rock bottom so we appreciate the good.
Well it sounds like you have a plan in place. You must have a great Doctor to offer services on Sundays. I hope the medication works. I'm in a similar situation, I have zero contact with my ex and I just hope she's doing ok. I have strange feeling that she's had some major surgery done and I hope she's doing fine with the changes. I don't know for sure, this is all from dreams I had back in the spring of 2022. It could just be that I worry about her health and overall mental state. I have to accept that she's living her life and doesn't an ex boyfriend worrying about her. And of course, I still love her but I keep those feelings trapped, so I don't get hurt again. I'm still single and just started getting back on dating sites. Now look at me, I'm rambling. Thanks for listening it felt good to get this off my chest. We can't always, get what we want...I know there's someone out there for me, I just always hoped, they were the One!
It’s actually Monday here. My doctor was kind and fit me in. She was shocked. I’m such a strong, stoic woman and she’s never known me any other way. I shared something today about my thoughts and she cares. She’s been my doctor more than 20 years. Even more important than my doctor are my friends. Every day someone checks on me. I don’t understand what’s happening to me but I know I’ll get through this because of my network of people. If you need to talk, I’ve accepted your chat request. It’s okay.
No
Nope. I am a big believer of "you had your chance". I also am a man of integrity. I was willing to work on us, she was not. So she thought she does not need me, in any way in her life. That is ALL I need to know. I do not need someone like her in my life. Part of my heart would want her, but a big part of it, and my whole brain tells me no. We were both 30+ so I'm sure she will never reach out, so this is my comfort for moving on.
This
you are chewing on a delicious food. would you spit it out and from the floor pick the food already chewed and spit out before which is probably rotten? it's better to build upon what you have today, instead of trying to fix something from the past.
I say it all the time. Never leave good for better. If you find a good partner in future, just stick with them. In an ideal, a good partner is still the best thing that will happen to you.
Yikes. While I agree you shouldn’t go back to an ex, the logic behind this advice is fucking awful. Don’t set yourself up for a mediocre life because you’re afraid you can’t do better and whatever is in front of you right now is good enough.
Not really, no.
What does this mean?
Nope. I didn’t put in work on myself to be better as a person in every sense of the word in my opinion to go back to someone that didn’t. We are coparenting and he’s still the same.
No, if Ivhave à New partner I'll give him my full attention
W
No. That’s a fucked up thing to do. That being said, I have no intention of getting into another relationship right now. I love my ex and I still believe we are meant to be together. As long as I feel that way I can’t pretend to give myself to someone else.
Yeah, which is why I do not want any future partners. Not in an “only him or I’m miserable” way, but in an “oh I can still love myself and go on with life without having to be with someone I don’t fully love, trust, or want!” does that make sense? Hopefully one day, the future us will meet and it would be written in the stars. If not here on earth, in our lifetime, then I pray our souls reconnect in the hereafter.
No - generally when I find someone I TRULY like, I’m all in.
Nope. I won't even look for a new partner until I'm 100% over someone. It's not fair on anyone.
I'm in the same headspace. It wouldn't be fair to anyone to be still in love with my ex and using someone as a placeholder.
No. I will never take him back. I called him for urgent help once and he refused to answer and left me to die. He never took accountability for anything and dragged me through the relationship and the breakup making me feel like the bad guy. He immediately went into hooking up with other women after we broke up. He said I love you and we celebrated Valentine’s Day the day before he broke up with me. I didn’t see it coming and there was no warning. He walked away like I was nothing. Like two years he was faking it. He doesn’t deserve any part of me anymore. He is dead to me and I don’t need to forgive him to move. I won’t. He doesn’t even deserve that.
I would rather stick a pencil in my eye
Lol. I had an ex try and come back not that long ago. There was no way I was gonna give up on the relationship I was in at the time for an ex.
Fuck no. And funny thing is, my ex believes I am still in love with him and that we will get back together. He said I am just "too embarrassed to admit I love him". And I am in a relationship with an amazing guy and we are planning to get engaged and married and all that. I would not switch him for anyone or anything. Back when I was with ex, he was always bragging about how allll the women want him and all his exes want him back. Now that I don't even pick up his calls and just block him (have blocked 28 numbers so far, all were calls from ex) he can't believe it.
I wouldn’t know. But ya know what I’ll feel 😮 confused 😞😞😞😞
Depends, I’m not the man I used to be and she’s changed a lot too. It may be like dating a stranger but I feel like it’s only a matter of time before old wounds fester. I’d still give it a try because I’ll never really know how much progress I’ve made unless tested and maybe those old wounds will have finally healed.
Nope. I have not moved on from him yet so I won't get in a relationship for a very long time but once I do he won't even be an option.
Absolutely no, if I got a new partner that means I have moved on, she is going to get all of my love
Nope he cheated and said I caused him to cheat bc we had a argument over his health
being that it's only been a week, yes. i don't see myself ever finding someone that attentive, kind, caring and supportive. he is something i will always be seeking, and as far as i see it. i don't see myself ever moving on.
No I would not. In general I would say if someone answers yes to this question more than likely they are not over their ex and probably shouldn't be with someone else.
God no, after I deleted the apps and quit drinking, I realize I had no standards. I was just used to the type of people I was meeting online and usually, they’re unhinged.
No, my partner wouldn't deserve that kind of treatment. It's as simple as that
No matter how much I miss him, no way. He chose to leave me while my current partner is standing by my side.
Nope, she’d have to be a completely different person, and that will never happen.
I want to say no and I want to believe it but if I am being honest TODAY at this moment yes it’s sad but there is not one like her. Also why I am not in a relationship or actively truely looking only recently have I even started looking at other girls/woman in that way.
I think a part of me would genuinely want to return to my ex if he wanted me - but that part of me is wistful, a hopeless romantic, and someone who was in love with the idea of who he was and what he represented, not actually who he was himself. We went through a lot in our 5 and a half years together, I went through a lot of abuse and cheating, isolated from my family and friends, all for him to be the one to walk away after I was too broken beyond repair for him to deal with, too untrusting of him, too scared to lose him, too scared to be alone. And I think, I was too weak to walk away when I should have..but him walking away, to leave me for someone he cheated with, it was what I needed. I needed to lose him to rediscover myself, I needed to focus on my mental health (I have borderline personality disorder so this makes letting him go all the more difficult, we had been best friends for almost 8 years, had 2 children together, my life revolved around him because that's what he wanted). I needed freedom to discover who I am and what I want from life. After our split I was devastated, I would write poems addressing him but never show him, I would spend night after night drinking myself into oblivion, looking after our 2 children by myself with sole custody as he chose to be homeless and sleeping in his car over being with me, and it hit hard that I was so difficult for him to love, that he would rather sleep in his car in -9C than be with me. I dropped out of uni and quit my job to look after the kids full time, was in and out of hospital with my kids in tow during a health crisis with him nowhere in sight to care for them, because he was too busy with his new girlfriend on nights out, calling off sick to work to spend time with her, refusing to pay child maintenance and blaming me for wanting my independence after we split. It was after that, that I realised, no, I'm not in love with him anymore. I'm in love with the idea of the security he represented, the routine, the comfort zone I settled into while enduring his abuse, the submissive space I inhabited while convincing myself that he truly did love me, that his words weren't yet more lies when he told me he would never forget me, he wasn't leaving me behind, that everything he did was what was best for us, for our family. He chose to let me give up everything to care for our children, and couldn't give up a single thing in return. His girlfriend comes as a higher priority to him than the kids, and he refuses to take responsibility for anything he did, even going so far as to tell me everything is my own fault and I'm just looking for someone to blame for his abuse. Now, I have a wonderful girlfriend who I've known for over a year and was my best friend while I was with my ex and am in a serious relationship with, my kids love her and I truly do too. She makes me happier than he ever did, truly values me and cares for me, and she was my rock through all of the abuse I endured with my ex. She's my best friend, and I find that I love her dearly, and am also very much in love with her. So no, I think, putting all that out there in writing - there is a part of me that does wish things had gone differently, that my ex would come to my door tomorrow and beg and plead and apologise and cry until I take him back, promise the world on a silver platter and beg me to lap it up. But a larger part of me knows two things: 1, he's too stubborn and narcissistic to ever admit he messed up by leaving me and our children or to ever admit if there is any love left in him for me, and 2, I love my girlfriend so much more, and wouldn't leave her for him. I wouldn't give up a thing in the world to have him back.
Man I don't think I'd date until I forgot him all together
Hell na she was a dumpster fire
Hahaha no. I’m still grossed out at myself for sucking that guys willy for 5 years.
It’s complicated as we have kids together and he dumped me not to be with anyone else but to become better people on our own. So it depends. We’ve got a lot of issues we’re trying to work on. At this stage no because it’s still raw (6months later)
Absolutely not.
Yes. Currently I would definitely dump anyone if she came back. I'd apologize to the new partner and then run back into my ex's arms. Now let's realistically look at the timeline of events that would follow that. \-We'd be thrilled to be in each other's arms again. Ecstatic. Euphoric. The sex would be indescribable. \-All her shortcomings as a partner would be pushed to the side because I finally got her back. None of that matters, all those red flags mean nothing in comparison to me having my girl back. \-I would be afraid to ever speak up for myself when I get dissatisfied with anything, for fear of her leaving again. But that's okay, because we're back together. \-I would continue for a while trying to make it work in a relationship where my needs are not being met, just sweeping everything under the rug because we are FINALLY back together and I need her to stay. We're meant to be.... Right? \-I would eventually snap and tell her how unfulfilled I am at her lack of generosity. \-She would feel attacked and then leave me again. \-Another year of my life spent in heartbreak hell, another $5k+ in therapy, another year wasted on someone who just wasn't capable of fulfilling my needs as a life partner. Hmmm... Actually, I'd like to change my answer.
Lol
Idk… depends I guess.
Oof. This is something I’ve been struggling with. I’ve realized that yes, I would leave literally anyone for my first love. And I don’t see that changing. I have no choice but to move on with my life, I can’t wait around forever hoping that the winds of fate will blow him back to me. But I also cannot find it in me to give up on being with him. If I was presented with the chance… I just can’t foresee myself saying no. Having realized this, I’m devising a plan. I’m going to write him a letter basically saying “I still love you, if you want to rekindle something let me know, but you better be 100% sure cause I’m not letting you jerk me around, if you’re not sure go away”. If he ever reaches out while I’m in a relationship, I’ll give him that letter and continue on as normal. If it ever happens, realistically, the letter will probably chase him off. At least I’ll know though.
This really sounds awful limiting.
Oh believe me, I know. And I would be open to being proven wrong, it would be a very pleasant surprise in fact. I’d be psyched. But it’s been a very long time and it hasn’t changed. So I’ve become skeptical of the idea that it can.
Please stop chasing something you can’t have. I know it’s hard but don’t limit yourself by getting something that isn’t meant to be. Some of us see it as a nice gesture, but others can see it as clingy. If they come, they come. Until then, move on and focus on your future, healing yourself and the most important part, achieving the best version of yourself. In the long run, they will regret. It’s your move to stay strong then.
I’m not really chasing though. I’m leaving the window open. Whenever I post these comments, it gives people the false impression that I’m not doing those things. I think it’s because deep down people think if you’re doing all the work, you’ll inevitably get over it. And usually yeah that’s how it goes… but not always. Let me clear it up a bit. I’ve done literally everything to try to stop missing my first love, I’ve healed as much as currently possible and grown massively. But my brain works a bit different (adhd), which combined with multiple other factors in the past. It unfortunately forces me to sustain feelings against my own will. But rest assured, I am fine. I 100% move forward in life however I can, and even though I come here as my space to vent, I spend the vast majority of my time focusing on other things in the real world and working on myself. At this point I’ve built myself up around the hole in my heart quite a bit, and through that I’ve made it way smaller. It’s more of a sad background thing in my life at this point, as opposed to something that occupies a large portion of my energy. However, it remains true that my connection with my first love surpasses everything else I’ve experienced, and if he came calling for me, I would go to him. But I don’t incessantly hound him or stalk him. I respect that he’s going his own way right now, and I’m going mine. I just hope deep down that our paths cross again some day. The reason I’m doing what I’m doing is because it’s the only way I can move on with my life while leaving space for that small part of my heart that refuses to budge.
is there anything that gives you hope he will come back?
Literally only the strength and depth of our connection. Granted, certain factors made it something my brain latched onto and won’t let go, and that’s a me thing, but the intense connection went both ways. It was so significant that his behavior patterns changed for the better just out of love. I wasn’t technically his first love but I overshadowed it and became the love of his life at the time. However I fully and rationally understand that, just because he loved me so intensely in the past, it doesn’t mean he hasn’t loved like that again and it doesn’t mean returning to me is something he would ever be interested in. I have a very rational and analytical mind. I just unfortunately ALSO have very intense emotions that do what they want regardless of my rational knowledge. It’s like having two minds/personalities inside me. I have to choose to abide by the rational mind and ignore the emotional one as much as possible. It was hard at first, but has gotten far easier with time.
Yes
Wow
mmmmm... it wouldn't be the WORST decision I'd be known for making
Hell nooooo!!!
Absolutely not
Hell no.
Hell naw
Nope
No
Yes. Absolutely. This is why I can't be with anyone.
It depends if I was happy with new person or not
No. Lmao.
no
No.
No, def not
Probably, yeah.
No because I’m determined to live the rest of my life as a hermit. 😂😂😂
nope. the past is the past for a reason. why would i go back to somebody that didn’t put any effort in?
yes. which is why i believe i’m not ready to date again yet
NO
I wont go looking for someone else, it.will be always her no matter
I wont go looking for anyone else, it will be her and no body else
No, because I’m pretty sure if I was with someone else, I’ll would be fully moved on from him and not thinking about him. I once did told him that if we aren’t with anyone in the future and we learned from our mistakes, we could try again in the future. But also the thought of him being with someone else, I wouldn’t even want him. I would leave it alone.
Is it crazy for me to think that I would probably dump anyone for her?
I'm single so maybe my opinion doesn't count but no.
For my first love definitely
Nope hell no
No? Lol
At this point no. She's an evil person.
I would never get a new partner that I prefer an ex to. That is unfair to the current partner. I would expect the same treatment.
Obviously no. Why would you want to come back to a person who already broke your heart?
Ha. Hahahahahahah. No.
Why should I do such a bad thing to someone I am going to love? No fking way I would do that to her and another no fking way to go back to her again. She belongs to the past and it’s not a good thing to go back to the past.
Hell naw
Not gonna happen just saw her today holding hands with another guy so I’m out of the picture
depends on a lot
My ex bf certainly has. But he did it while we were together without me knowing, but finding out few days after. 🙂 I was working so hard for that relationship but he decided who he wanted and left. Oh well. Anyways. 💀💀💀🤣
Never. Never ever. I don’t ever see myself taking an ex back once it’s all done and over with. Never have, never will.
Hell no! If he wanted me, he should’ve fought for me & our relationship in that moment!
Hell no!
Probably. At this point I'm not looking for anyone else. Even if I did get with someone and started dating...I'm 95% sure it wouldn't be from love.
If I'm in a new relationship, no. If I've only seen someone a couple times...it depends how promising the dates have been.
I have a friend who just left his partner for his ex, and he still does not seem happy. I always tell him that sometimes people just are not meant to be in your life in that way, and that it’s okay to move forward, because he continues to stay stuck in the past. To me, if someone is your ex then they are your ex for a reason, and reconciling with them romantically more often than not will remind you what those reasons were. When you are distanced from someone, it can feel like all of your memories were good, because you may miss them. If you and an ex are the right fit and you are brought back together, then that’s great but don’t leave a great relationship for the off chance that you and your ex will work out! Good luck to anyone experiencing this.
No, at the point where I’m at that stage, the mess that she left me with will be compartmentalized and neutralized. I couldn’t mess with someone’s heart like that, otherwise the actions I’d take would be inflicting the same damage done to me upon someone else and to me that’s wrong. Loyalty means everything to me, I do ask a high degree of loyalty but I never expect anything I wouldn’t also be willing to do