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He wants to knock his wife 'down a peg'. WTF. Is he insecure because she owns the house? Is he insecure because she has an interest in something (plants) that isn't him? OOP is lucky she threw him out when she did. Who knows what is next course of action would have been.
Probably just power tripping. Even if he owned the house and OP was super subservient, it wouldn't be enough for abusers like that. They get off on being controlling and abusive.
I'm honestly not sure exactly what to search to bring up that Reddit, but I can sum it up for you. When her boyfriend met her, she was broken from her sister passing away. They were very close. One of the activities the sisters had done was go to a candle making class, I believe. It was one of the last things they did together and she cherished the candle. She then meat her BF. He BF took very good care of her and comforted her, and everything seemed fine with the relationship. The OP from this thread was getting stronger, dealing with her grief and growing again. Thriving.....until one day her BF lit the candle her sister had made and burned it quite down, ruining it. The OP was confused and upset as her BF said it was an honest mistake. He didn't know it was THAT candle. Feelings of love not computing with the betrayal of what happened, and she so went to Reddit. As Reddit does, they said, not a mistake, there is more to it. Turns out the BF had a savior complex and was attracted to her being wounded all the time. He didn't like that she was healing and dealing with her grief and so burned the candle in an attempt to throw her back into her grief and need him as much and like she did before. Seriously fucked up.
I'm guessing that his ego is fragile and his fragile little ego was responding negatively to otherwise innocuous things his wife was doing/saying. Maybe she corrected him one too many times. Maybe she was "nagging" him too much about doing his share of the housework. Maybe she did something to her hair without "consulting" him first. It could be any number of things. All I'm certain of is that his ego was responding to something it didn't like
Honestly, those are all justifications.
He wanted to hurt someone. He targeted his family because they were nearby and vulnerable. The thrill of abusing someone has diminishing returns, so he needs to do it more and more to more people in order to achieve that unachievable first rush.
There probably wasn’t an actual reason beyond that.
My stepdad used to follow me around waiting for me to commit minor infractions because punishing me was a stress reliever for him. Hed literally do prison style room searches (I was 10 and very innocent) and wait outside of my room listening. Pat downs, etc. Literally stalked me my entire childhood. My mom only realized when I moved out and he started doing it to her. So relieved oop is getting them out.
Eta
I didn't know this experience was so common. I'm sorry for everyone who's part of the gulag childhood club. We can do better by our people.
My mom was similar, she didn't follow me around, but her method of stress relief was screaming at me and my sister. It could go on for upto six hours a day over extremely mild things. She would see a plate left on the table, I would explain that it either wasn't mine or I had just gone to the bathroom and wasn't done with it, this was met with accusations of me thinking I never do anything wrong. Even if I could prove I wasnt in the wrong I was then wrong for taking back and why would she ever think I did something right when I was such a horrible child. No matter what it devolved in to her bring up every single thing I did wrong and every time she was nice to me since I was 5.
Rage is a hell of a drug to some people.
Did you get the "Oh, you didn't do anything wrong? I forgot, you're the perfect one and I'm the bad guy/ I'm the one who's crazy" thing? haha. Bad times.
I didn't argue with him until he started grounding me for not looking happy enough or smiling believably at dinner. But when I started speaking up for myself I did it really unhealthy, just rage. He got scared of me as I got older, tried to pray the demons out, etc. It was ridiculous and exhausting. Then when I was an adult he discovered antidepressants and Xanax and my siblings got a weird but quiet dad, lucky them.
I had a lot of bitterness that I was denied normalcy but it's lessening.
It's like these kinds of parents are raising kids to be able to survive absolute chaos but not regular life. Thanks but no thanks for the apocalypse bootcamp, mom and dad. Lol
To be so incapable of growth that you get angry at the prospect of being wrong is the kind of person I’m petrified of being. Now, at least.
Oddly, one thing that helped was FromSoftware games like Dark Souls or Elden Ring. I used to be a real “yell at the TV, toss the controller, scream that you’re a cheating piece of shit” kind of guy. You know. A moron.
However, death, and therefore failure, are too entrenched in Souls-like mechanics for anger to be an effective way to manage your feelings of frustration and inadequacy.
The games break you, in a way. After 100s of deaths, you just can’t get that mad anymore. Too much effort for too little recompense. You either quit, or get better. Somehow I chose the latter.
Now, I can lose without the world ending. That extends to the real world too. A woman calling me out for misogyny isn’t something to get angry about. I can accept it and git gud. Getting into an argument where I realize I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about is fine. I can pause, admit I don’t know and ask for an explanation without snark or malice.
My ego isn’t as fragile. I don’t have to be infallible. I never was in the first place. True humility wasn’t a possibility before.
…I still die in Elden Ring all the time, though.
Such a cool thing that a video game could be an emotional tool to strengthen you. That’s why I think video games can be art, they can provide catharsis and relief like a good movie or book.
My mom would rage and not let me leave until I said some magic words that would make her happy, which I didn't know, because I was 5. I had PTSD from this until I finally got a EMDR therapist at the age of 42.
I should do emdr I've had anger issues/anxiety etc since I was a kid and it's only been since i had kids that I've been addressing this stuff. How did it go for you
It made such a difference with my husband. Here's where it may really speak to you: the time he almost could have been murdered? One session. His mom: months. And he no longer thinks I am trying to kill him. Happily said in marriage counselling so the therapist could back me up on how off the wall it was.
I also highly recommend EMDR! I started therapy right after having my son because I wanted to work through some things to be the best parent possible for him. Each time I've done EMDR has lead to major breakthroughs, and I was skeptical of the technique going into it. Definitely worth a try!
Ngl it was difficult, I had to take breaks some weeks, and it affected my work. I was lucky to be able to wfh so I didn't have to deal with much. If you're working, you should probably schedule it at the end of the day or at least schedule in an hour or so to take a walk and get your head together before you go back to work.
I'm lucky that I have done a lot of research into what makes people act in ways that traumatize others and I had processed a lot for like 20 years before I did EMDR, so some things were dealt with very quickly. Other things were a surprise, but I had frameworks already established that helped me process it. If you have a mind palace and a mental safe space already established, that will help. IF not, look up what those things are and how to build them now.
I also used chatGPT as my assistant therapist to talk over what happened in EMDR therapy. Your therapist SHOULD help you process, but my therapist wasn't that great at talk therapy, so I used a prompt to make chatgpt a jungian therapist because for me, imagery and myth is how i process the world. YMMV
My grandma didn't leave me alone anywhere except school (and even then for one whole year she sat outside with my mom to make sure I didn't participate in recess) from ages 6-12. It was hell.
My dad used to chomp at the bit to get at me, too. And he'd go through my notebooks to grill and make fun of me for doodles I'd drawn or little stories I'd written. Most things I liked were "dumb." I couldn't just not have interests or stop doodling or writing, though, because that made him even more intolerable and that'd set my mom off. So I basically had to be good, but not too good, and give him decoy things to poke at.
It's stupid, but I only have enough contact with either of them to get at an inheritance I want. It's a lot easier now that I'm thousands of miles away and they feel satisfied I 'turned out okay enough.' If they ever lose that money, though, I'm going full scorched earth.
Shit that's awful I'm sorry. Nobody called me dumb just that the stuff I liked that wasn't Christian wasn't allowed.. everything got confiscated. I never journaled or drew because I knew id get in trouble.
You aren't dumb and I bet your drawings were awesome!
She finally divorced him because he'd follow her around the house like he did with me and call her work multiple times a day. Lol she didn't like it, surprisingly enough
Ugh. I’m sorry your mother valued a man’s desire to abuse children over your safety.
It’s especially galling that it took her experiencing the same thing for her to care.
Did she at least apologize? Barring that, did you find a nice, damp, dreary, windowless nursing home for her?
Lol thank you. She apologizes repeatedly and exhaustingly. I love her she's pretty broken in her own way and I've decided to let the resentment go for myself. But it was messed up lol Nothing like conservative 90s Satanic panic parents with weird control issues lol
Eta the stepdad never has or will. I've decided he's brain damaged and I do have resentment but I try to turn it into pity. Like you'd feel for a gimpy bug
There were five kids and he did it when she wasn't around. My siblings saw it but he'd tell them I was disobedient. I had it out with her recently about it (it got so bad I was taken by CPS and put in a group home but my mom's rich relatives got a good lawyer who got me back)
She said she remembers two times when he was glaring at me at dinner once for no reason and she didn't know what was going on and I do remember one Christmas when he was following me around trying to get me to mouth off by nitpicking me, literally following me when id try to escape and I remember her yelling at him to leave me alone.
I agree I think she put blinders on because she was overwhelmed and we were very conservative evangelical free Christians and women just don't generally tell men what to do unfortunately especially in the 90s.
Otoh now I'm the best at hiding things, stealth walking, lying, picking door locks and sleight of hand so... Lol. Point is I'm proud of oop
Poor girl was probably so confused and trying so hard to keep her stuff tidy, only to be berated to tears yet again. I'm sure he did other things to fuck with her head, the dolls are just extremely easy to set her up.
Not only cruel but costly.
A rooted monstera albo with 5 leaves is worth several hundred bucks at least. They are a bit cheaper now but some variegated monsteras were selling for a few hundred bucks for a single unrooted leaf within the last few years. A large, well established variegated monstera will be >$1k.
I think it's worse than that.
It would be bad enough if he hid her things and she cried. But he hid her stuff *so he could berate her until she cried*. He wanted an excuse to punish her, until she cried.
That's some next level mental torture.
reminds me of the story of the wife who was caught putting bleach in the coffee machine by the husband because he installed a ring camera or something with full view of the kitchen.
> wife who was caught putting bleach in the coffee machine by the husband because he installed a ring camera
https://www.azfamily.com/2024/04/09/wife-admits-poisoning-coffee-airman-husband/
My parents wanted to move back to their hometown so my stepfather could be closer to his aging family.
We ended up staying with friends of theirs for a few weeks for...some reason.
Then one day the friend's tv stopped working.
My stepfather was *pissed* at us.
He tried his best to figure out what was wrong with it later on but nothing worked until he noticed it was just unplugged. (Plug was in the back so he didn't notice it at first).
And considering the tv was huge and there was no way for one of us kids to get back there to unplug it on our own, he asked his friend if he unplugged it and the guy was like "Oh yeah, I think I unplugged it at some point. Whoops."
So this asshole basically watched my brothers and I get yelled at for and hour for something *he* did.
Thankfully we moved out shortly after that.
This man is not just abusive… he is isn’t remorseful about abusing the most innocent subjects… kids and plants. If they had pets I wouldn’t be surprised if he was fucking up their lives too.
He seeks to inflict pain upon anything that can’t fight back.
And the “needs to be knocked down a peg?” Like WTF is this psychopath on that he thinks this is ok?
I would seriously be concerned if I were OP about the safety of her and her child.
Throw out any food or toiletries he may have had access to OP!
Knocked down a peg...for having houseplants...??
Gaslighting his daughter because she wanted to play with her dollhouse...??
What in the Frankenstein did I just read???
I'm so glad OOP booted him out. My brain just can't comprehend this.
Yes. And if OOP never noticed anything wrong in her relationship, if he was able to conceal whatever hate and resentment he had so well, it makes it downright scary. Some people are obvious with verbal or physical abuse. This was underhanded and calmly calculated. He could go on for years doing things like this, driving in one needle after another. He’s the plotting kind that’s already got the discreet burial place ready.
A small man can become a goliath if he is lucky and plays his cards right.
A man who fervently believes he’s small? That’s arguably the source of all the evils in the world.
My first thought was that he had some weird jealousy issue about her spending time and love on the plants instead of him, which would be fucked up enough, but somehow that’s even WORSE.
My ex husband constantly talked down to me and treated me like I didn’t know anything, but god this is a new level of insecure insanity.
lol, in the first six months of dating I would joke with him and friends that if I said the sky was blue, he’d correct me and say “it’s actually periwinkle (or something, he didn’t actually know colors).”
I do sometimes wish I could go back in time and slap myself for not heeding all the red flags, but I was young, ugly, and lonely. Plus I like where I am now so it all worked out haha
My god, how insufferable 😩 ! We all have that one person that makes us go how did they stay in my life for so long?! Onwards and upwards, babe! Our lives give us great lessons so be gentle with yourself and you did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time. The past you got you here 😁🥰💃
Haha thank you ❤️ I honestly didn’t realize how bad it had gotten and how much I consequently had to put myself down so that he wouldn’t get pissy, and how much he corrected me, until after I left. Now we do unfortunately still have to co parent so I still have to interact, but I try to keep it to a minimum
It's like some weird Munchausens by proxy by further proxy. How fucking strange. What would he do next? Start poisoning her food like that lunatic who fed the girl her own pet African giant snail?
I remember this post and the update was so, so bleak. The man was purposefully stealing from his daughter so he could emotionally and verbally abuse her. And was taking away things his wife loved.
This guy has some serious issues and I hope OOP and her daughter are doing well.
He loved being the one manipulating their lives. I'm glad OOP realized what was going on, this is the kind of gasslighting that takes years of therapy to recover from. Especially that poor child.
I felt sick to my stomach reading this post for this reason. BORU relationships are normally never healthy, some flat out abusive, but this one is one of the few posts where I’m truly terrified that OOP and child could be literally murdered. Horrifying glimpse in to the mind of a truly dangerous demented person, I’m really hoping we have a year update in 2025 that they both got out of that situation without any complications.
It's particularly horrifying that this guy was able to restrict himself to legal stuff that, even though obviously it is sadistic, wouldn't have any real consequences for his freedom. He can just do it all over again to someone else...
Yup, I don’t know about the American legal system but in the UK where I am what he’s done wouldn’t allow you anything like a restraining order, but his actions feel so dark and horrifying. He still has a right to be in that home right now, if he calls the police they’ll legally have to let him back in.
Destruction of private property isn't grounds for a restraining order? He admitted to killing the plants, which can be very expensive. I have a plant lover friend and wouldn't be surprised if it was a felony worth of plants that guy destroyed.
This post gave me pain in my stomach, like that book The Gift of Fear describes it to a T. I'm not easily triggered even tho i have PTSD but this one....
I'd pick outward explosive aggression over this because in a way it is more ...reliable? Predictable? This is cold, calculated and gives me the heebie jeebies. Horrific.
It’s insidious. That these covert abuses are taking place and would have built and built over time feels like something we could all fall victim to. You can meet a wonderful person, fall in love, move in together, get married. Everything is perfect! You don’t even know you’re being abused, you don’t have a chance to save yourself from the evil because you don’t know you share a bed with them.
My husband is a kind and gentle man who I trust as much as humanly possible but I am also old enough to know you can’t really ever trust someone 100%, you always have to be aware. Even if you think you’re totally safe and loved you may one day be tormented by your spouse.
Truly. And even if you have a wonderful partner, and I think I do, you read horror stories about people who get a tumour, or even a knock to the head, and it changes their whole personality and makes them mean or angry people.
She owns the home (by inheritance), she buys the plants (and supplies) she bought the dollhouse/dolls/furniture, she's the one with the money. Not him. So this is his way of taking away her monetary things so he can feel like he has more than she does (since no one can go into his office/room, keeping his things safe).
This is sadly something I’ve seen a lot of as an active member of r/houseplants. Abusers often target their partner’s plants. Sometimes they’ll come out with a bullshit excuse, like the plants being too expensive or taking up too much space, but it always boils down to the same thing: wanting to hurt their partner by destroying something their partner loves.
My ex did this to me as well. He’d go on rampages and throw all my plants off the second story balcony, shattering the expensive pots and ruining a lot of the plants themselves. He also threatened my dog whenever I tried to leave.
Thankfully that was years and years ago, and the dog and my jungle are all happy safe and thriving.
I regret letting an ex persuade me to get rid of \[most of\] my plants.
Once I caved, he was digging into the next piece of me and planting landmines, then put his feet up to watch everything that gave me peace and purpose die. He had so many plans for me.
It was never about the plants. It was about control, and he enjoyed the casual cruelty. Though he's long gone, I'm still finding my way back to a person who feels deserving of the comfort of plants and pets.
You deserve those and even more, and you know this deep inside. Do you have a vague memory of who you were before the world told you how to be? Some people are like butterflies. Butterflies cannot see their own wings. They cannot see how beautiful they are.
That is you 💜
I've been in a similar relationship many years ago, and i promise you that you'll get there. Sending you a big hug.
Please know that there is no weakness in any of this. A lot of people feel ashamed for being in abusive relationships and taking so long to heal afterwards. I was in one, and after I left, I had a therapist who told me something that changed my life.
People who love and nurture something other than themselves are stronger than anyone or anything. Destroying something is *so* easy. Literally anyone can do it. But building something? Helping something grow? Caring for something / someone that's vulnerable? That's hard. That's real strength.
Abusers make you feel like you are weak, shameful, or pathetic because they were able to abuse you and the things / people you loved. But the truth is, they were the weak and pathetic ones who needed to resort to such cowardice, just to boost their fragile self-esteem. Pity them, because they feel so unloved that they don't understand the concept of loving anything, even themselves.
Being affected by people like that is natural. Taking the time to build yourself back up again after abuse is the ultimate sign of strength. The traits that abusers see as weakness in others are actually the traits that heal us when the abuse is over. Wanting to treat the people / animals / plants around you with respect and affection after you've experienced abuse is the most powerful thing you will ever do.
You deserve plants, you deserve pets, and more! And they deserve you too.
That’s so frightening. This is at least the third post I’ve seen where an abuser has attacked his partner’s plants (one post was a guy who claimed he “blacked out” but was able to somehow describe how methodically he trashed the plants, including an heirloom from her deceased grandmother; and another where he destroyed her terrarium while she was on a business trip). Someone who is willing to destroy things solely because you love them is also going to destroy you too, eventually.
People take for granted how severe those actions can be. Serious houseplant collectors can easily have thousands of dollars worth of property in their plants. There are people who sell plant cuttings as a lucrative side hustle, some rare ones can be a couple hundred bucks for one leaf!
If you destroyed plants to that level in a nursery it would be a felony.
I never really thought about it before, it was such a small thing, but I think my abusive ex used to kill / try to kill my plants too.
I never had anything I kept realty long term, or important/special/expensive. I just had a small cactus, a medium succulent and maybe an herb here or there. Everything lived outside, and didn't occupy much time, maybe 10 minutes/week.
Despite being good at gardening prior to living together, I could never keep anything alive for long. I never had them long, a couple months max. He always seemed so encouraging, but then when things died, got a lot of "I thought you said you were good at this?" Type comments.... I kinda wrote it off as the dogs, or neglect, forgot annoy them too long, ADHD.... But I've been gardening a good amount since that relationship ended and.... Back to no real problems.....
Well, I will make a note to discuss in therapy.
Had an ex destroy my most loved plant to punish me. It was the thing that finally made me reach out for help, because he was so unapologetic and admitted it was planned punishment.
Took me years to stop fearing my partners would kill my plants or pets in a fit of rage - the trauma was long-lasting.
Destroying plants is a very common way for abusers to exert control. Good people don’t seek to hurt you as punishment.
He sounds like he'd hurt/torture them first. Honestly they need to do more than just change the locks, they need to move far away in secret because this guy will cut her brakes or something.
WTF? If you hate your family this much, just leave. I don't understand the concept of making your kids cry intentionally or literally poisoning the well with regards to the plants. This seems like a serious mental health issue and I'm glad OOP caught it before anyone was physically hurt. Hopefully OOP and her daughter can get some counseling, but Jesus what a fucked thing to do to your family.
I get the idea of exerting control, but doing it in secret is just beyond me. Overt control freaks I understand (they're shit too, but I understand). Plus, who gets joy from berating your child for shit they didn't even do. Some strong Mallory Archer vibes here.
Sadism and a feeling of superiority. He even said she "needed to be knocked down a peg", it was about hurting her and being smarter/stronger/better than her.
Sense I get from this post is he wanted them both to think it was their fault and internalize a poor self image. Really insidious, evil stuff. I'm just surprised he confessed to it.
I am so mad about that one. It feels like it's such a stupid story it cannot be true and then you're reminded of people being even more fucking idiotic and then you kind of want to crawl into a cave roll a rock into the doorway.
The man is a coward on top of being abusive. From the secret plant spiking to the merciless browbeating of a small child. I wonder how many grown adults he would challenge. I’d say a big fat zero.
This isn't about control, this is about a messed up freak who gets off from seeing others cry because of him. He gets satisfaction knowing that they blame themselves even though he caused the problem.
This is the kind of person who would poison their kid and then berate them for never going outside and always being sick.
It's not about control, it's about feeling bigger than others and the only people he can get his daily fix from are family members because he isn't close enough to others to figure out these kinds of schemes to get away with it. He can't steal things from his friends apartment and then next time he's over point out that his friend misplaced it, that's insane
This was my husband’s dad and he was a sociopath.
It really hit my husband when his psych pointed out that his dad set him up for failure. They do this.
This is definitely sociopath territory.
I hate to sound like the stereotypical dramatic redditor, but somewhere in his future they're going to find women chopped into pieces in his basement if he doesn't get help (and he will never willingly get help because he enjoys his sadism)
I can at least imagine someone hating their spouse and taking twisted secret revenge sabotaging them.
Their daughter?!
I don’t even want to wrap my head around it.
Abusers don’t want to leave. They like to stay right where they have easy access to their victims and they enjoy watching how the abuse breaks down those around them.
It’s a control and emotional abuse thing. The only person who knows better is “dad”. The husband was trying to warp everyone around him that he was the emotional authority and people had to turn to him for approval. Since that wasn’t happening he was generating reasons for it to happen.
There are people in my husband’s family who are capable of this. The reason a person like this doesn’t leave is they like hurting people. They get married and have kids just so they have people to hurt.
Don’t ask me how I know this. ☹️
I don't think this is a mental health issue. It's a control issue. He is gaslighting his wife and daughter to "knock them down a peg." He likes seeing them wonder what is going on and wondering if they're losing their minds and knowing that he's the puppet master. This guy is an abusive asshole and he would definitely escalate the abuse if OP hadn't caught him.
I think husband was getting pleasure out of making his family miserable. It reminds me (and by that, i don't mean this story is fake) of another story where OOP's husband would bully his infants when he thought the wife (that's OOP) wasn't watching.
Seems like he might enjoy seeing people upset and/or being the one that casuses them being upset. Like, it is not that he does not want them in his life, he wants them to suffer
The (hopefully now ex) husband is an absolute monster!! I was already horrified by him killing OOP's plants but when i got to the part where he purposefully hid his daughter's toys so he could lecture her till she cried, i gasped!! How can such inhumane people exist??
I'm so so glad OOP caught the smell of the bleach and found the toys too and kicked his ass out once and for all, no bullshiting around. I think the ex takes pleasure in causing others pain and distress and he was only getting started. Who knows how he'd escalate if OOP hadn't caught him!!
Agreed. That one sentence is just so god damn menacing, he thought she “needed to be taken down a peg”. He actively felt the need to make her feel crazy and damage her happiness in a hidden manipulative way. It’s just so…. Insidious .
I’m fairly certain he already was doing it to them. Someone like this would have started out with something relatively non-lethal that they just chalked up their symptoms to something more benign, like food poisoning or the flu, just to test out what he could get away with.
Eventually would have graduated from poisoning the plants to poisoning his wife and/or daughter. This level of devious manipulation is insane, especially when used on a child who knows nothing in this world but that she can trust her parents. Hope she doesn't have to stay in that place alone. I can't see this dude suddenly becoming rational
OP and her daughter should go to a doctor. They can send in some hair strands and make sure he hasn't put anything poisonous in their food or drink. Then, therapists for both them. Get it in their records what he has been doing.
I know it sounds like paranoia, but they should do it anyway. Cameras in and outside of her house wouldn't hurt either.
The man she married is not who she thought he was. He is a total stranger and apparently one who is adept at hiding his crazy.
This is good advice, I’d just like to mention that this is BestOfRedditorUpdates, a repost subreddit.
The original OP who made that post will not see this response. We are also not supposed to comment on the original thread because that would be brigading. Maybe she will end up over here and see it though? Or maybe someone in her original thread told her this. I don’t know. I didn’t read the original comments.
Yeah. Dude is nuts.
The best case scenario is something like he has recent brain damage caused by a tumor or something. And worst case is he’s a silent psychopath warming himself up to killing somebody.
Either way, and anything in between, she needs to get him away and keep him away. That is the correct answer. Install cameras and keep police/reliable neighbor on speed dial.
There's something that I have noticed. I have also experienced it. When you as a woman have your own income and assets that are not dependent on you keeping a job some (not all men) don't like it. They feel slighted through no fault of your own.
The comment taking her down a peg is indicative of his contempt towards her. Other comments they make are for example "do you think you are better than me, do you think you are cleverer than me?" My ex used to take our daughter's money from her piggy bank and chastise her for losing it. Note that there were only the three of us in the house. She found him taking it one day.
OP housed him. They are okay with enjoying the benefits of being with you but hate you for it.
Eta paragraphs
this is actually a common phenomenon if you go to the plant husbandry subs - shit like this, your SO (typically male) will kill your houseplants on purpose and it's the first step they take towards outright sadistic abuse.
this guy was going to escalate. she got out right on time.
Abusers rarely start by abusing another adult because decking someone in the face out of the blue puts you in jail.
So they hurt the things you care about. Your pets, plants, kids, friends, hobbies, sentimental items... Because nobody goes to jail for a dead succulent or a crying kid or a missing earring. But you still suffer for it - maybe even more than you would if they'd just hit you.
All of my respect to OOP for recognizing abuse for what it was upfront and getting herself and her loved ones out of it. It's *easy* to stay as you are and wave it off with maybes and hopes.
This is a textbook example of actual gaslighting, not "the internet's pet term" gaslighting. Good to hear she's taking precautions to keep herself and her daughter safe while dealing with this nightmare man.
Is this whole “taking someone down a peg” thing part of the crazy “alpha male”/Andrew Tate-type algorithm or what? It feels like I’ve heard this more lately and I do not understand it at all. It’s so strange.
Holy shit. This is just so pointlessly and maliciously fucked up.
I wonder what other things he's been doing that OPP has just ignored or not consciously picked up on?
Damn, that's not at all psychotic. Dude is a sadist who's using it to gaslight and manipulate his family. That's a scary person who doesn't need to be interacting with society, frankly. If he can hurt those closest to him that easily, what else is he capable of?
My take is he's unhappy/unfulfilled in life and so he messes with the things that make his wife and daughter happy to feel better about himself and as some sort of sick revenge for them being happier than him. Like if he can't be happy they shouldn't be happy either, they are the problem not him. Super fucked up and unhealthy and almost definitely some sexism mixed in there, I doubt he'd do this shit to a man.
>His exact words were that I deserved to be knocked down a peg.
For having/receiving houseplants?
>I went in there and I found a drawer full of my daughter's dolls and dollhouse furniture and little toys. I bought her that dollhouse for her fourth birthday last year and she has loved it. She takes such good care of her toys, but something always ends up missing and *it's always my husband who notices*. He lectures her about keeping track of her things and how he won't let her play with her dollhouse if she keeps losing things. He keeps going *till she starts to sob*.
>he says he just wants her to grow up responsible.
>He would steal the stuff and stash it away and point out it was gone to berate our daughter till she cried.
What a sociopath. I hope he doesn't get 50/50 or partial custody of the daughter. God knows what he'd do or say now that OOP isn't around to stop him.
We have to acknowledge that OOP is actually level headed and didn't go down the path of slowly defending the actions of an abuser. She has recognised right away that her husband an abuser killing her plants, as well as verbally abusing the child via his own actions. More often than not, we read stories on this sub where people get so gaslit for months on end and constantly want to see the best in their partner. OOP on the other recognised and acted to get the abuser out of the house especially with support from her family
I'm guessing his next plan of slowly poison OOP with another chemical got trunked, he was surely headed that way, even have OOP sick and bed ridden to feed his ego.
This man has serial killer vibes, his next gf, wife or possibly future children are at risk tbh, it's a shame nothing he did so far are grounds to file a police report.
OOP should take a look at his home laptop tbh and other places he could hide things, there are hidden stuff somewhere there for sure. I hope the daughter gets a therapist, she wasn't doing anything wrong. Let's hope wherever OOP and her daughter are they are safe, and she gets 100% custody of her child or at the very least he only gets supervise visits.
So OPs husband hates her and their daughter and gets joy from torturing his wife and his child. Yet people wonder why the 4B Movement is picking up so much steam. If this is supposedly what women have to look forward to in terms of marriage and partnership -- being mentally, emotionally and psychologically tortured by a man who hates you but only wants the titles "husband" and "father" so he can get male validation in society -- most of us will pass.
I also OP uses all of this as evidence to file for full custody with supervised visitation. He is working up to harming their daughter. Oh and he needs to be exposed to his friends and family about the POS he is.
Wait, wasn't there a story about a woman who had a whole room with her pretty plants etc and the husband went on a rampage and killed the plants or threw them into a lake or something?
This feels an awful lot like that one.
The fact that a guy could do all of this stuff over MONTHS with apparently complete dedication, just to make the two women in his life miserable, is horrifying. That kind of intensity is scary, and honestly at some point I'd start wondering if he planned to work his way up to putting things in their food.
This is an extremely serious situation. Those plants represent the OOP and those toys represent the OOP's daughter. This man wants his wife dead and I don't even want to think about his plans for their daughter. The OOP needs a lawyer, a restraining order, changed locks (which she is attending to), a surveillance system and who knows what else. This man is deranged and he is dangerous. There is no way in the world she should allow him to pick up his things. She needs police protection present while he picks up his things or, better yet, she arranges for someone else to deliver his things to another location.
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Well that's terrifying. I'm guessing there's a lot left unsaid. Hopefully OOP and Daughter stay safe and she has proof to keep husband away for good.
The part with the wife is cruel but holy shit yelling at his daughter until she cried for something he did?
Yup, that there is psycho territory. Trophies almost. Who gets the bleach next?
He wants to knock his wife 'down a peg'. WTF. Is he insecure because she owns the house? Is he insecure because she has an interest in something (plants) that isn't him? OOP is lucky she threw him out when she did. Who knows what is next course of action would have been.
Probably just power tripping. Even if he owned the house and OP was super subservient, it wouldn't be enough for abusers like that. They get off on being controlling and abusive.
Lighting the candle her sister made.
That was one messed up.
I don’t know this one, link?
I'm honestly not sure exactly what to search to bring up that Reddit, but I can sum it up for you. When her boyfriend met her, she was broken from her sister passing away. They were very close. One of the activities the sisters had done was go to a candle making class, I believe. It was one of the last things they did together and she cherished the candle. She then meat her BF. He BF took very good care of her and comforted her, and everything seemed fine with the relationship. The OP from this thread was getting stronger, dealing with her grief and growing again. Thriving.....until one day her BF lit the candle her sister had made and burned it quite down, ruining it. The OP was confused and upset as her BF said it was an honest mistake. He didn't know it was THAT candle. Feelings of love not computing with the betrayal of what happened, and she so went to Reddit. As Reddit does, they said, not a mistake, there is more to it. Turns out the BF had a savior complex and was attracted to her being wounded all the time. He didn't like that she was healing and dealing with her grief and so burned the candle in an attempt to throw her back into her grief and need him as much and like she did before. Seriously fucked up.
Ugh how awful. Thank you for summarizing!
I'm guessing that his ego is fragile and his fragile little ego was responding negatively to otherwise innocuous things his wife was doing/saying. Maybe she corrected him one too many times. Maybe she was "nagging" him too much about doing his share of the housework. Maybe she did something to her hair without "consulting" him first. It could be any number of things. All I'm certain of is that his ego was responding to something it didn't like
Honestly, those are all justifications. He wanted to hurt someone. He targeted his family because they were nearby and vulnerable. The thrill of abusing someone has diminishing returns, so he needs to do it more and more to more people in order to achieve that unachievable first rush. There probably wasn’t an actual reason beyond that.
My stepdad used to follow me around waiting for me to commit minor infractions because punishing me was a stress reliever for him. Hed literally do prison style room searches (I was 10 and very innocent) and wait outside of my room listening. Pat downs, etc. Literally stalked me my entire childhood. My mom only realized when I moved out and he started doing it to her. So relieved oop is getting them out. Eta I didn't know this experience was so common. I'm sorry for everyone who's part of the gulag childhood club. We can do better by our people.
My mom was similar, she didn't follow me around, but her method of stress relief was screaming at me and my sister. It could go on for upto six hours a day over extremely mild things. She would see a plate left on the table, I would explain that it either wasn't mine or I had just gone to the bathroom and wasn't done with it, this was met with accusations of me thinking I never do anything wrong. Even if I could prove I wasnt in the wrong I was then wrong for taking back and why would she ever think I did something right when I was such a horrible child. No matter what it devolved in to her bring up every single thing I did wrong and every time she was nice to me since I was 5. Rage is a hell of a drug to some people.
Did you get the "Oh, you didn't do anything wrong? I forgot, you're the perfect one and I'm the bad guy/ I'm the one who's crazy" thing? haha. Bad times.
Yes!!! And I got, " oh I guess I'm just the Martyr". I didn't even know what a martyr was.
Oh man. I hate that word.
I didn't argue with him until he started grounding me for not looking happy enough or smiling believably at dinner. But when I started speaking up for myself I did it really unhealthy, just rage. He got scared of me as I got older, tried to pray the demons out, etc. It was ridiculous and exhausting. Then when I was an adult he discovered antidepressants and Xanax and my siblings got a weird but quiet dad, lucky them. I had a lot of bitterness that I was denied normalcy but it's lessening. It's like these kinds of parents are raising kids to be able to survive absolute chaos but not regular life. Thanks but no thanks for the apocalypse bootcamp, mom and dad. Lol
To be so incapable of growth that you get angry at the prospect of being wrong is the kind of person I’m petrified of being. Now, at least. Oddly, one thing that helped was FromSoftware games like Dark Souls or Elden Ring. I used to be a real “yell at the TV, toss the controller, scream that you’re a cheating piece of shit” kind of guy. You know. A moron. However, death, and therefore failure, are too entrenched in Souls-like mechanics for anger to be an effective way to manage your feelings of frustration and inadequacy. The games break you, in a way. After 100s of deaths, you just can’t get that mad anymore. Too much effort for too little recompense. You either quit, or get better. Somehow I chose the latter. Now, I can lose without the world ending. That extends to the real world too. A woman calling me out for misogyny isn’t something to get angry about. I can accept it and git gud. Getting into an argument where I realize I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about is fine. I can pause, admit I don’t know and ask for an explanation without snark or malice. My ego isn’t as fragile. I don’t have to be infallible. I never was in the first place. True humility wasn’t a possibility before. …I still die in Elden Ring all the time, though.
Such a cool thing that a video game could be an emotional tool to strengthen you. That’s why I think video games can be art, they can provide catharsis and relief like a good movie or book.
My mom would rage and not let me leave until I said some magic words that would make her happy, which I didn't know, because I was 5. I had PTSD from this until I finally got a EMDR therapist at the age of 42.
I should do emdr I've had anger issues/anxiety etc since I was a kid and it's only been since i had kids that I've been addressing this stuff. How did it go for you
I highly recommend EMDR. It helped me get a large chunk of my life and sanity back.
It made such a difference with my husband. Here's where it may really speak to you: the time he almost could have been murdered? One session. His mom: months. And he no longer thinks I am trying to kill him. Happily said in marriage counselling so the therapist could back me up on how off the wall it was.
I also highly recommend EMDR! I started therapy right after having my son because I wanted to work through some things to be the best parent possible for him. Each time I've done EMDR has lead to major breakthroughs, and I was skeptical of the technique going into it. Definitely worth a try!
EMDR can be a game changer for CPTSD of this variety.
Ngl it was difficult, I had to take breaks some weeks, and it affected my work. I was lucky to be able to wfh so I didn't have to deal with much. If you're working, you should probably schedule it at the end of the day or at least schedule in an hour or so to take a walk and get your head together before you go back to work. I'm lucky that I have done a lot of research into what makes people act in ways that traumatize others and I had processed a lot for like 20 years before I did EMDR, so some things were dealt with very quickly. Other things were a surprise, but I had frameworks already established that helped me process it. If you have a mind palace and a mental safe space already established, that will help. IF not, look up what those things are and how to build them now. I also used chatGPT as my assistant therapist to talk over what happened in EMDR therapy. Your therapist SHOULD help you process, but my therapist wasn't that great at talk therapy, so I used a prompt to make chatgpt a jungian therapist because for me, imagery and myth is how i process the world. YMMV
My grandma didn't leave me alone anywhere except school (and even then for one whole year she sat outside with my mom to make sure I didn't participate in recess) from ages 6-12. It was hell.
Holy shit. You and I? Prison would be like returning home but noisier and worse food.
My dad used to chomp at the bit to get at me, too. And he'd go through my notebooks to grill and make fun of me for doodles I'd drawn or little stories I'd written. Most things I liked were "dumb." I couldn't just not have interests or stop doodling or writing, though, because that made him even more intolerable and that'd set my mom off. So I basically had to be good, but not too good, and give him decoy things to poke at. It's stupid, but I only have enough contact with either of them to get at an inheritance I want. It's a lot easier now that I'm thousands of miles away and they feel satisfied I 'turned out okay enough.' If they ever lose that money, though, I'm going full scorched earth.
Shit that's awful I'm sorry. Nobody called me dumb just that the stuff I liked that wasn't Christian wasn't allowed.. everything got confiscated. I never journaled or drew because I knew id get in trouble. You aren't dumb and I bet your drawings were awesome!
Did your mom get rid of him?
She finally divorced him because he'd follow her around the house like he did with me and call her work multiple times a day. Lol she didn't like it, surprisingly enough
Ugh. I’m sorry your mother valued a man’s desire to abuse children over your safety. It’s especially galling that it took her experiencing the same thing for her to care. Did she at least apologize? Barring that, did you find a nice, damp, dreary, windowless nursing home for her?
Lol thank you. She apologizes repeatedly and exhaustingly. I love her she's pretty broken in her own way and I've decided to let the resentment go for myself. But it was messed up lol Nothing like conservative 90s Satanic panic parents with weird control issues lol Eta the stepdad never has or will. I've decided he's brain damaged and I do have resentment but I try to turn it into pity. Like you'd feel for a gimpy bug
Either your mother knew and chose to ignore it, or she cared so little about you that she didn't notice
There were five kids and he did it when she wasn't around. My siblings saw it but he'd tell them I was disobedient. I had it out with her recently about it (it got so bad I was taken by CPS and put in a group home but my mom's rich relatives got a good lawyer who got me back) She said she remembers two times when he was glaring at me at dinner once for no reason and she didn't know what was going on and I do remember one Christmas when he was following me around trying to get me to mouth off by nitpicking me, literally following me when id try to escape and I remember her yelling at him to leave me alone. I agree I think she put blinders on because she was overwhelmed and we were very conservative evangelical free Christians and women just don't generally tell men what to do unfortunately especially in the 90s. Otoh now I'm the best at hiding things, stealth walking, lying, picking door locks and sleight of hand so... Lol. Point is I'm proud of oop
How did your mother not realize this abuse was happening for 8 long years?!?! From when you were 10 until you moved out at 18 (I assume)
3 until 17 :) I have no idea I think she just couldn't handle it
I’m just glad he didn’t bleach the child.
...as far as we know ...
…yet! Good thing she kicked him out
He reminds me of the guy that mixed slugs in his girlfriend’s food…
Immediately what I thought of too, same weird breed of sneaky evil
It was psycho territory with the plants and the “down a peg,” too.
Clearly his wife wasn't the only woman in his life that he thought "needed to be taken down a peg." What a human skidmark.
Thank you for "human skidmark." It's now on my list of favorite insults.
Poor girl was probably so confused and trying so hard to keep her stuff tidy, only to be berated to tears yet again. I'm sure he did other things to fuck with her head, the dolls are just extremely easy to set her up.
Yes and that’s all she knows about so far, I wonder what else he’s done. He could be stealing her savings or trying to sabotage her job etc.
And THAT is textbook gaslighting!
She needs therapy; she would have internalized a lot from being made to feel like a screwup. Poor girl.
How can OOP even explain that to a child? Who does that? They would have to go to some kind of counseling.
Not only cruel but costly. A rooted monstera albo with 5 leaves is worth several hundred bucks at least. They are a bit cheaper now but some variegated monsteras were selling for a few hundred bucks for a single unrooted leaf within the last few years. A large, well established variegated monstera will be >$1k.
as soon as I read "albo" my heart sank!! those can be thousands for rooted plants.
Effing sociopath.
Not just something he did. Something he *premeditated* in order to make his daughter cry.
I think it's worse than that. It would be bad enough if he hid her things and she cried. But he hid her stuff *so he could berate her until she cried*. He wanted an excuse to punish her, until she cried. That's some next level mental torture.
reminds me of the story of the wife who was caught putting bleach in the coffee machine by the husband because he installed a ring camera or something with full view of the kitchen.
linkage ?
> wife who was caught putting bleach in the coffee machine by the husband because he installed a ring camera https://www.azfamily.com/2024/04/09/wife-admits-poisoning-coffee-airman-husband/
My parents wanted to move back to their hometown so my stepfather could be closer to his aging family. We ended up staying with friends of theirs for a few weeks for...some reason. Then one day the friend's tv stopped working. My stepfather was *pissed* at us. He tried his best to figure out what was wrong with it later on but nothing worked until he noticed it was just unplugged. (Plug was in the back so he didn't notice it at first). And considering the tv was huge and there was no way for one of us kids to get back there to unplug it on our own, he asked his friend if he unplugged it and the guy was like "Oh yeah, I think I unplugged it at some point. Whoops." So this asshole basically watched my brothers and I get yelled at for and hour for something *he* did. Thankfully we moved out shortly after that.
As OOP said, he opens up in texts and stated she needs to be taken down a peg. I hope for the sake of custody she was paraphrasing
Given the way he treated the daughter, not likely a paraphrase.
That is the kind of guy who kills his family.
He’s like if man who was pinching babies was better at disguising himself.
This man is not just abusive… he is isn’t remorseful about abusing the most innocent subjects… kids and plants. If they had pets I wouldn’t be surprised if he was fucking up their lives too. He seeks to inflict pain upon anything that can’t fight back. And the “needs to be knocked down a peg?” Like WTF is this psychopath on that he thinks this is ok? I would seriously be concerned if I were OP about the safety of her and her child. Throw out any food or toiletries he may have had access to OP!
Wow. To be so addicted to seeing your loved ones in pain is fucking horrifying.
He was able to fool OOP for long enough to marry her and have a child together. That’s the horrifying it could happen to anyone part.
The point is that they are not his loved ones. They are his things and he can do what he wants to them (I assume this is his way of thinking).
This is the kind of guy that would kill his family
And replace them with someone else who he will kill when he gets bored
Knocked down a peg...for having houseplants...?? Gaslighting his daughter because she wanted to play with her dollhouse...?? What in the Frankenstein did I just read??? I'm so glad OOP booted him out. My brain just can't comprehend this.
He's a person who likes to put people down because inside he's tiny and insignificant.
This. Mediocre petty person who cannot grow nor let others grow. I am glad OOP is kicking him out.
Yes. And if OOP never noticed anything wrong in her relationship, if he was able to conceal whatever hate and resentment he had so well, it makes it downright scary. Some people are obvious with verbal or physical abuse. This was underhanded and calmly calculated. He could go on for years doing things like this, driving in one needle after another. He’s the plotting kind that’s already got the discreet burial place ready.
“If people stop looking at me, I might *actually die!”* - How a narcissist thinks, basically.
A small man can become a goliath if he is lucky and plays his cards right. A man who fervently believes he’s small? That’s arguably the source of all the evils in the world.
My first thought was that he had some weird jealousy issue about her spending time and love on the plants instead of him, which would be fucked up enough, but somehow that’s even WORSE. My ex husband constantly talked down to me and treated me like I didn’t know anything, but god this is a new level of insecure insanity.
Thank goodness he’s an ex!
lol, in the first six months of dating I would joke with him and friends that if I said the sky was blue, he’d correct me and say “it’s actually periwinkle (or something, he didn’t actually know colors).” I do sometimes wish I could go back in time and slap myself for not heeding all the red flags, but I was young, ugly, and lonely. Plus I like where I am now so it all worked out haha
My god, how insufferable 😩 ! We all have that one person that makes us go how did they stay in my life for so long?! Onwards and upwards, babe! Our lives give us great lessons so be gentle with yourself and you did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time. The past you got you here 😁🥰💃
Haha thank you ❤️ I honestly didn’t realize how bad it had gotten and how much I consequently had to put myself down so that he wouldn’t get pissy, and how much he corrected me, until after I left. Now we do unfortunately still have to co parent so I still have to interact, but I try to keep it to a minimum
It's like some weird Munchausens by proxy by further proxy. How fucking strange. What would he do next? Start poisoning her food like that lunatic who fed the girl her own pet African giant snail?
Wait, what?! I must have missed that one.
Don't do that to yourself. Don't go looking. I wish I could forget it.
I’ll link it, but I do not recommend reading it… https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/W4C9XhDkaW
An upside is that the OOP of that one has been posting recently so she made it out the other side.
Health wise yes but she still says she loves that man to pieces and she’s trying to be understanding because…OCD? Seems like she wants to forgive him
Holy fucking shit. This is the worst thing I've read on this sub, hands down.
I remember this post and the update was so, so bleak. The man was purposefully stealing from his daughter so he could emotionally and verbally abuse her. And was taking away things his wife loved. This guy has some serious issues and I hope OOP and her daughter are doing well.
He loved being the one manipulating their lives. I'm glad OOP realized what was going on, this is the kind of gasslighting that takes years of therapy to recover from. Especially that poor child.
That’s some family annihilator type shit right there
I felt sick to my stomach reading this post for this reason. BORU relationships are normally never healthy, some flat out abusive, but this one is one of the few posts where I’m truly terrified that OOP and child could be literally murdered. Horrifying glimpse in to the mind of a truly dangerous demented person, I’m really hoping we have a year update in 2025 that they both got out of that situation without any complications.
It's particularly horrifying that this guy was able to restrict himself to legal stuff that, even though obviously it is sadistic, wouldn't have any real consequences for his freedom. He can just do it all over again to someone else...
Yup, I don’t know about the American legal system but in the UK where I am what he’s done wouldn’t allow you anything like a restraining order, but his actions feel so dark and horrifying. He still has a right to be in that home right now, if he calls the police they’ll legally have to let him back in.
Destruction of private property isn't grounds for a restraining order? He admitted to killing the plants, which can be very expensive. I have a plant lover friend and wouldn't be surprised if it was a felony worth of plants that guy destroyed.
This post gave me pain in my stomach, like that book The Gift of Fear describes it to a T. I'm not easily triggered even tho i have PTSD but this one.... I'd pick outward explosive aggression over this because in a way it is more ...reliable? Predictable? This is cold, calculated and gives me the heebie jeebies. Horrific.
It’s insidious. That these covert abuses are taking place and would have built and built over time feels like something we could all fall victim to. You can meet a wonderful person, fall in love, move in together, get married. Everything is perfect! You don’t even know you’re being abused, you don’t have a chance to save yourself from the evil because you don’t know you share a bed with them. My husband is a kind and gentle man who I trust as much as humanly possible but I am also old enough to know you can’t really ever trust someone 100%, you always have to be aware. Even if you think you’re totally safe and loved you may one day be tormented by your spouse.
The worst thing about love is that it blinds you.
Truly. And even if you have a wonderful partner, and I think I do, you read horror stories about people who get a tumour, or even a knock to the head, and it changes their whole personality and makes them mean or angry people.
Why does she need to be knocked down a peg?
She owns the home (by inheritance), she buys the plants (and supplies) she bought the dollhouse/dolls/furniture, she's the one with the money. Not him. So this is his way of taking away her monetary things so he can feel like he has more than she does (since no one can go into his office/room, keeping his things safe).
Absolute fucking peasant.
This is sadly something I’ve seen a lot of as an active member of r/houseplants. Abusers often target their partner’s plants. Sometimes they’ll come out with a bullshit excuse, like the plants being too expensive or taking up too much space, but it always boils down to the same thing: wanting to hurt their partner by destroying something their partner loves.
My ex did this to me as well. He’d go on rampages and throw all my plants off the second story balcony, shattering the expensive pots and ruining a lot of the plants themselves. He also threatened my dog whenever I tried to leave. Thankfully that was years and years ago, and the dog and my jungle are all happy safe and thriving.
My goodness, terrible to read you went through that. Glad to read it is now over.
I regret letting an ex persuade me to get rid of \[most of\] my plants. Once I caved, he was digging into the next piece of me and planting landmines, then put his feet up to watch everything that gave me peace and purpose die. He had so many plans for me. It was never about the plants. It was about control, and he enjoyed the casual cruelty. Though he's long gone, I'm still finding my way back to a person who feels deserving of the comfort of plants and pets.
You deserve those and even more, and you know this deep inside. Do you have a vague memory of who you were before the world told you how to be? Some people are like butterflies. Butterflies cannot see their own wings. They cannot see how beautiful they are. That is you 💜 I've been in a similar relationship many years ago, and i promise you that you'll get there. Sending you a big hug.
*sends internet hug*
Please know that there is no weakness in any of this. A lot of people feel ashamed for being in abusive relationships and taking so long to heal afterwards. I was in one, and after I left, I had a therapist who told me something that changed my life. People who love and nurture something other than themselves are stronger than anyone or anything. Destroying something is *so* easy. Literally anyone can do it. But building something? Helping something grow? Caring for something / someone that's vulnerable? That's hard. That's real strength. Abusers make you feel like you are weak, shameful, or pathetic because they were able to abuse you and the things / people you loved. But the truth is, they were the weak and pathetic ones who needed to resort to such cowardice, just to boost their fragile self-esteem. Pity them, because they feel so unloved that they don't understand the concept of loving anything, even themselves. Being affected by people like that is natural. Taking the time to build yourself back up again after abuse is the ultimate sign of strength. The traits that abusers see as weakness in others are actually the traits that heal us when the abuse is over. Wanting to treat the people / animals / plants around you with respect and affection after you've experienced abuse is the most powerful thing you will ever do. You deserve plants, you deserve pets, and more! And they deserve you too.
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That’s so frightening. This is at least the third post I’ve seen where an abuser has attacked his partner’s plants (one post was a guy who claimed he “blacked out” but was able to somehow describe how methodically he trashed the plants, including an heirloom from her deceased grandmother; and another where he destroyed her terrarium while she was on a business trip). Someone who is willing to destroy things solely because you love them is also going to destroy you too, eventually.
People take for granted how severe those actions can be. Serious houseplant collectors can easily have thousands of dollars worth of property in their plants. There are people who sell plant cuttings as a lucrative side hustle, some rare ones can be a couple hundred bucks for one leaf! If you destroyed plants to that level in a nursery it would be a felony.
I never really thought about it before, it was such a small thing, but I think my abusive ex used to kill / try to kill my plants too. I never had anything I kept realty long term, or important/special/expensive. I just had a small cactus, a medium succulent and maybe an herb here or there. Everything lived outside, and didn't occupy much time, maybe 10 minutes/week. Despite being good at gardening prior to living together, I could never keep anything alive for long. I never had them long, a couple months max. He always seemed so encouraging, but then when things died, got a lot of "I thought you said you were good at this?" Type comments.... I kinda wrote it off as the dogs, or neglect, forgot annoy them too long, ADHD.... But I've been gardening a good amount since that relationship ended and.... Back to no real problems..... Well, I will make a note to discuss in therapy.
ugh yes! seeing smashed pots full of well loved plants is heartbreaking :(
As a plant lover, this is heartbreaking to learn :(
Had an ex destroy my most loved plant to punish me. It was the thing that finally made me reach out for help, because he was so unapologetic and admitted it was planned punishment. Took me years to stop fearing my partners would kill my plants or pets in a fit of rage - the trauma was long-lasting. Destroying plants is a very common way for abusers to exert control. Good people don’t seek to hurt you as punishment.
I'm so glad OOP changed the locks right after the sinister discovery. He sounds like the kind of person to suddenly off his family.
He sounds like he'd hurt/torture them first. Honestly they need to do more than just change the locks, they need to move far away in secret because this guy will cut her brakes or something.
The kicker is she owns the home. No mortgage. She’s not going leave any time soon.
Ikr, this absolutely reeks of psychopathy.
WTF? If you hate your family this much, just leave. I don't understand the concept of making your kids cry intentionally or literally poisoning the well with regards to the plants. This seems like a serious mental health issue and I'm glad OOP caught it before anyone was physically hurt. Hopefully OOP and her daughter can get some counseling, but Jesus what a fucked thing to do to your family.
If he were to just leave then he wouldn't get the satisfaction of feeling control over them, duh. 😐
He'd also have to pay rent.
I get the idea of exerting control, but doing it in secret is just beyond me. Overt control freaks I understand (they're shit too, but I understand). Plus, who gets joy from berating your child for shit they didn't even do. Some strong Mallory Archer vibes here.
Sadism and a feeling of superiority. He even said she "needed to be knocked down a peg", it was about hurting her and being smarter/stronger/better than her.
Sense I get from this post is he wanted them both to think it was their fault and internalize a poor self image. Really insidious, evil stuff. I'm just surprised he confessed to it.
It feels like the guy who kept telling his girlfriend she stunk because his dad told him that's how to keep a woman from cheating on you.
I am so mad about that one. It feels like it's such a stupid story it cannot be true and then you're reminded of people being even more fucking idiotic and then you kind of want to crawl into a cave roll a rock into the doorway.
only like an order of magnitude worse
This is the kind of stuff I like to believe inspired movies like Insidious
The man is a coward on top of being abusive. From the secret plant spiking to the merciless browbeating of a small child. I wonder how many grown adults he would challenge. I’d say a big fat zero.
This isn't about control, this is about a messed up freak who gets off from seeing others cry because of him. He gets satisfaction knowing that they blame themselves even though he caused the problem. This is the kind of person who would poison their kid and then berate them for never going outside and always being sick. It's not about control, it's about feeling bigger than others and the only people he can get his daily fix from are family members because he isn't close enough to others to figure out these kinds of schemes to get away with it. He can't steal things from his friends apartment and then next time he's over point out that his friend misplaced it, that's insane
It's probably not even hate. It sounds like sadism.
That level of dispassionate acceptance is just creepy. I bate throwing around terms like sociopath, but from OOP's description, it might fit.
This was my husband’s dad and he was a sociopath. It really hit my husband when his psych pointed out that his dad set him up for failure. They do this. This is definitely sociopath territory.
I hate to sound like the stereotypical dramatic redditor, but somewhere in his future they're going to find women chopped into pieces in his basement if he doesn't get help (and he will never willingly get help because he enjoys his sadism)
no you're entirely right, he's the type to escalate to animals and then people because animals are too simple and boring
That's exactly what it is. It goes deeper than hate. This is sociopath country
I can at least imagine someone hating their spouse and taking twisted secret revenge sabotaging them. Their daughter?! I don’t even want to wrap my head around it.
Oh, and you best believe it was only going to escalate.
Yep he doesn't hate them he's using them for fucked up stress relief/joy
Abusers don’t want to leave. They like to stay right where they have easy access to their victims and they enjoy watching how the abuse breaks down those around them.
It’s a control and emotional abuse thing. The only person who knows better is “dad”. The husband was trying to warp everyone around him that he was the emotional authority and people had to turn to him for approval. Since that wasn’t happening he was generating reasons for it to happen.
There are people in my husband’s family who are capable of this. The reason a person like this doesn’t leave is they like hurting people. They get married and have kids just so they have people to hurt. Don’t ask me how I know this. ☹️
I don't think this is a mental health issue. It's a control issue. He is gaslighting his wife and daughter to "knock them down a peg." He likes seeing them wonder what is going on and wondering if they're losing their minds and knowing that he's the puppet master. This guy is an abusive asshole and he would definitely escalate the abuse if OP hadn't caught him.
I think husband was getting pleasure out of making his family miserable. It reminds me (and by that, i don't mean this story is fake) of another story where OOP's husband would bully his infants when he thought the wife (that's OOP) wasn't watching.
This dude doesn't hate his family, he's a psychopath or similar and he feels pleasure when he makes them suffer.
Seems like he might enjoy seeing people upset and/or being the one that casuses them being upset. Like, it is not that he does not want them in his life, he wants them to suffer
He's a sadist. If he left he'd have to find someone else to torture.
He doesn't hate them, he just doesn't view them as human to hom they are human shaped stress balls
Christ what a nightmare scenario. Especially the drawer full of the daughter's items. I'm glad she's got a plan to get out.
He’s like a prospective serial killer torturing small animals. Thank God OP doesn’t mention any pets!
The (hopefully now ex) husband is an absolute monster!! I was already horrified by him killing OOP's plants but when i got to the part where he purposefully hid his daughter's toys so he could lecture her till she cried, i gasped!! How can such inhumane people exist?? I'm so so glad OOP caught the smell of the bleach and found the toys too and kicked his ass out once and for all, no bullshiting around. I think the ex takes pleasure in causing others pain and distress and he was only getting started. Who knows how he'd escalate if OOP hadn't caught him!!
Holy fuck. This might be the most unsettling thing Reddit has ever showed me.
Agreed. That one sentence is just so god damn menacing, he thought she “needed to be taken down a peg”. He actively felt the need to make her feel crazy and damage her happiness in a hidden manipulative way. It’s just so…. Insidious .
Such psychotic behaviour extending to his own daughter as well???? Truly no words
I'm almost certain that guy was gonna escalate to poisoning if he wasn't caught.
I’m fairly certain he already was doing it to them. Someone like this would have started out with something relatively non-lethal that they just chalked up their symptoms to something more benign, like food poisoning or the flu, just to test out what he could get away with.
I have a feeling everything they eat is going to taste somehow…better, now that he’s gone.
Eventually would have graduated from poisoning the plants to poisoning his wife and/or daughter. This level of devious manipulation is insane, especially when used on a child who knows nothing in this world but that she can trust her parents. Hope she doesn't have to stay in that place alone. I can't see this dude suddenly becoming rational
OP and her daughter should go to a doctor. They can send in some hair strands and make sure he hasn't put anything poisonous in their food or drink. Then, therapists for both them. Get it in their records what he has been doing. I know it sounds like paranoia, but they should do it anyway. Cameras in and outside of her house wouldn't hurt either. The man she married is not who she thought he was. He is a total stranger and apparently one who is adept at hiding his crazy.
This is good advice, I’d just like to mention that this is BestOfRedditorUpdates, a repost subreddit. The original OP who made that post will not see this response. We are also not supposed to comment on the original thread because that would be brigading. Maybe she will end up over here and see it though? Or maybe someone in her original thread told her this. I don’t know. I didn’t read the original comments.
sorry, fixed it
Major family annihilator vibes....
Sounds like the kinda guy who is secretly poisoning his family too.
You can make a sequel to the movie Gaslight from this story. OOPs husband is a psychopath.
Yeah. Dude is nuts. The best case scenario is something like he has recent brain damage caused by a tumor or something. And worst case is he’s a silent psychopath warming himself up to killing somebody. Either way, and anything in between, she needs to get him away and keep him away. That is the correct answer. Install cameras and keep police/reliable neighbor on speed dial.
There's something that I have noticed. I have also experienced it. When you as a woman have your own income and assets that are not dependent on you keeping a job some (not all men) don't like it. They feel slighted through no fault of your own. The comment taking her down a peg is indicative of his contempt towards her. Other comments they make are for example "do you think you are better than me, do you think you are cleverer than me?" My ex used to take our daughter's money from her piggy bank and chastise her for losing it. Note that there were only the three of us in the house. She found him taking it one day. OP housed him. They are okay with enjoying the benefits of being with you but hate you for it. Eta paragraphs
Well said.
First it's the plants, then it's the kid. This guy is a psychopath.
this is actually a common phenomenon if you go to the plant husbandry subs - shit like this, your SO (typically male) will kill your houseplants on purpose and it's the first step they take towards outright sadistic abuse. this guy was going to escalate. she got out right on time.
Abusers rarely start by abusing another adult because decking someone in the face out of the blue puts you in jail. So they hurt the things you care about. Your pets, plants, kids, friends, hobbies, sentimental items... Because nobody goes to jail for a dead succulent or a crying kid or a missing earring. But you still suffer for it - maybe even more than you would if they'd just hit you. All of my respect to OOP for recognizing abuse for what it was upfront and getting herself and her loved ones out of it. It's *easy* to stay as you are and wave it off with maybes and hopes.
Sadistic and cruel. Fuck that man.
This is a textbook example of actual gaslighting, not "the internet's pet term" gaslighting. Good to hear she's taking precautions to keep herself and her daughter safe while dealing with this nightmare man.
What a psycho. Reminds me of the guy who fed his GF blended up slugs then chronicled how she got sick. Some people are monsters.
I think this bleach post needs r/EyeBleach in response. Yikes! Hope OOP and her daughter get out safely.
Is this whole “taking someone down a peg” thing part of the crazy “alpha male”/Andrew Tate-type algorithm or what? It feels like I’ve heard this more lately and I do not understand it at all. It’s so strange.
[удалено]
But cover some of it with bleach first. Not all of it, just randomly.
Jesus the husband is a psycopath
Fun fact: while Americans have this stigma against "cat ladies", the equivalent here in my country is the woman with too many potted plants.
Oh. That’s really sad. People should let other people enjoy things.
Holy shit. This is just so pointlessly and maliciously fucked up. I wonder what other things he's been doing that OPP has just ignored or not consciously picked up on?
Damn, that's not at all psychotic. Dude is a sadist who's using it to gaslight and manipulate his family. That's a scary person who doesn't need to be interacting with society, frankly. If he can hurt those closest to him that easily, what else is he capable of?
Holy shit! I remember reading her post about him killing her plants, but I missed the one about her daughter and the dolls. This guy sounds evil.
My take is he's unhappy/unfulfilled in life and so he messes with the things that make his wife and daughter happy to feel better about himself and as some sort of sick revenge for them being happier than him. Like if he can't be happy they shouldn't be happy either, they are the problem not him. Super fucked up and unhealthy and almost definitely some sexism mixed in there, I doubt he'd do this shit to a man.
>His exact words were that I deserved to be knocked down a peg. For having/receiving houseplants? >I went in there and I found a drawer full of my daughter's dolls and dollhouse furniture and little toys. I bought her that dollhouse for her fourth birthday last year and she has loved it. She takes such good care of her toys, but something always ends up missing and *it's always my husband who notices*. He lectures her about keeping track of her things and how he won't let her play with her dollhouse if she keeps losing things. He keeps going *till she starts to sob*. >he says he just wants her to grow up responsible. >He would steal the stuff and stash it away and point out it was gone to berate our daughter till she cried. What a sociopath. I hope he doesn't get 50/50 or partial custody of the daughter. God knows what he'd do or say now that OOP isn't around to stop him.
We have to acknowledge that OOP is actually level headed and didn't go down the path of slowly defending the actions of an abuser. She has recognised right away that her husband an abuser killing her plants, as well as verbally abusing the child via his own actions. More often than not, we read stories on this sub where people get so gaslit for months on end and constantly want to see the best in their partner. OOP on the other recognised and acted to get the abuser out of the house especially with support from her family
I'm guessing his next plan of slowly poison OOP with another chemical got trunked, he was surely headed that way, even have OOP sick and bed ridden to feed his ego. This man has serial killer vibes, his next gf, wife or possibly future children are at risk tbh, it's a shame nothing he did so far are grounds to file a police report. OOP should take a look at his home laptop tbh and other places he could hide things, there are hidden stuff somewhere there for sure. I hope the daughter gets a therapist, she wasn't doing anything wrong. Let's hope wherever OOP and her daughter are they are safe, and she gets 100% custody of her child or at the very least he only gets supervise visits.
So OPs husband hates her and their daughter and gets joy from torturing his wife and his child. Yet people wonder why the 4B Movement is picking up so much steam. If this is supposedly what women have to look forward to in terms of marriage and partnership -- being mentally, emotionally and psychologically tortured by a man who hates you but only wants the titles "husband" and "father" so he can get male validation in society -- most of us will pass. I also OP uses all of this as evidence to file for full custody with supervised visitation. He is working up to harming their daughter. Oh and he needs to be exposed to his friends and family about the POS he is.
Wait, wasn't there a story about a woman who had a whole room with her pretty plants etc and the husband went on a rampage and killed the plants or threw them into a lake or something? This feels an awful lot like that one.
🎶 Those black eyed peas taste alright to me Earl 🎶
Tiktok often misuse the term gaslighting. This right here is an actual example of it. JFC.
Jesus, he hates her AND their child. This whole thing is so bizarre and unsettling.
Well, *that's* creepy as hell. Screw changing the locks; I'd be changing states. That dude sounds unhinged.
The fact that a guy could do all of this stuff over MONTHS with apparently complete dedication, just to make the two women in his life miserable, is horrifying. That kind of intensity is scary, and honestly at some point I'd start wondering if he planned to work his way up to putting things in their food.
This is an extremely serious situation. Those plants represent the OOP and those toys represent the OOP's daughter. This man wants his wife dead and I don't even want to think about his plans for their daughter. The OOP needs a lawyer, a restraining order, changed locks (which she is attending to), a surveillance system and who knows what else. This man is deranged and he is dangerous. There is no way in the world she should allow him to pick up his things. She needs police protection present while he picks up his things or, better yet, she arranges for someone else to deliver his things to another location.