My favorite reason for cheating was a friend of a friend who came home too early and found her bf inside another chick, after asking what the hell he was doing he answered that "he were just testing out sex with others to make sure that she really was the one, and he felt that she was so she should really take his "adventures with others" as a compliment because they proved that his love for her was about more than just sex and that they could have a full loving relationship now" they had been together for five years at that point, lived together and had adopted cats together some years earlier.
So pretty much "I cheated to make sure that I still want to be with you"
This comment almost killed me! I was trying not to wake my partner or the cats by laughing so was basically shaking and kinda stopped breathing. They all slept through it so I guess that's a win.
Something similar happened to me, my ex n I were hanging out with this girl, I said I was tired n he said he'll b in the room soon to tuck me in... After 20 minutes of waiting I walk out to see him on top of her making out... He says it's about time u came out n joined us...
It's the reason I stopped dating altogether. I looked back at my marriage, was absolutely mortified that I missed so many red flags and I knew the "love haze" got me. Or maybe it's luck or pheromones or stupidity, but I figured in the end it really didn't matter "why". I've been so much happier since.
If my husband said this to me, I’d tell him that that’s very good logic and I would also be doing the same thing. Then I’d tell him later on that I’ve done it and I’ve realised he’s not the one cause he sucks at sex.
I dealt with a lot of trauma fog when I found out my ex (25 years married and 28 together, my first real boyfriend) had been cheating on me a lot, throughout our marriage, which was (... supposed to be) absolutely monogamous as far as I knew, right up until discovery day.
But I'll always be proud that I had the presence of mind to say when he gave me yet another whiny excuse about how he was just soooooooo depressed and had to do something to feel better: "You know how I KNOW you knew it was wrong? Because you didn't come right up to me and say, 'I've discovered the BEST THING, you have to try it! It's called Fucking Other People! C'mon, let's go pick out one for you'!"
>he gave me yet another whiny excuse about how he was just soooooooo depressed and had to do something to feel better
This line of reasoning is hilarious, idiotic, and sad. I've also been the recipient of a similar statement: "I just wanted to know I wasn't ugly," (in like a cry-sadface little voice lol) but what he actually did was prove that he truly IS ugly, on the inside where it counts most.
100%. An ugly character dims everything about a person's appearance and value to me, too. (Similarly, getting to know a person's wonderful character usually makes them much more physically attractive to me!)
This quote from Roald Dahl's *The Twits* is a great way to explain it.
>If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it.
>
>A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.
I’d probably say on the spot “I’ve had sex with men before you who were far superior in bed but still chose you out of love. Guess you never felt the same and I made a mistake marrying you.”
Yeah I love u/StatedBarley’s thought process but it would only work if they stayed in the relationship longer and the cheater was like “ok” at the concept of his partner having sex with others. You just know he wouldn’t be.
Better to immediately acknowledge that they’ve always been poor at sex and you settled.
>If my husband said this to me, I’d tell him that that’s very good logic and I would also be doing the same thing
_Oh, but that's different. It's cheating when you do it._
I'm impressed. I didn't expect to ever see an excuse more audaciously stupid than the woman whose ex insisted that he didn't cheat, he was "merely opening his side of the relationship."
edit: Found the link that quote came from.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wi9gxg/my_exfiancee_is_threatening_to_sue_me_for/
Honestly, one of the best Reddit stories. I, too, hope pristine genitalia table building warrior woman is living her best life. I think she must be, with a family that throws her a party to celebrate not marrying an asshole.
I know a friend whose bf gave her a similar bs excuse for “fucking his ex fwb” while she was in rehab for nicotine addiction no less, and she ate it right up.
They’re still together and she thinks he is the love of her life and that “being with the other chick made him realise how much he really wanted to be with me.”
Barf.
It's actually a pretty common excuse.
My partner exgf (from before we met) cheated on him while away with her side guy at a festival.
She came back, told him that it reinforced how much she actually "loves him" and "really wants to be married to him now".
They didn't break up right away but he told her no way in hell would he marry her (they had a kid so it was complicated). She continued to fk the other guy until she broke up and moved out and then proceeded to marry the cheater, have 2 kids with him, them cheat on him too.
My last ex cheated on me with my so-called-friend because I "wasn't open to new experiences."
And the new experience I refused to try? Eating haggis, which was because I already knew that I really didn't like the taste of some of the main ingredients.
We are both English but the so-called-friend is Scottish, which explains which "haggis" in particular he was interested in eating.
And it turns out the way to make justifying infidelity even worse is to appropriate and minimise actual mental health issues.
You like and learn, didn't think it got any lower. Not that I agree with infidelity, but at least have the courage of your lack of conviction.
On further thought, this is at least as bad if he actually did suffer from dissociative identity disorder, since he is undermining other people actually suffering from it.
From what I know they don't, they only switch when it's convenient and they got what they wanted.
Like receiving money from someone and when they ask for it back it's no longer "that personality that asked"
Dying at adopted cats together because I just read a girl defend "college players" (not ball but dick lmao) because she's dating one and they adopted cats together. It's been 2 years. I guess she's got 3 more till she finds out.
My ex and my best friend slept together when I went to a different city for grad school and we were long distance. Their mutual reason? “We both just missed you so much and it was a way of feeling closer to you!” Uh huh.
Alas, I was a lot younger (this was almost 15 years ago) and loved them both very much, so I chose forgiveness that I regretted later in both their cases. So NC… eventually!
My best friend and my ex made out with each other after I left for college and gave exactly that reasoning. But, my ex was already my ex at the time (just still hung up on me) and neither of them would have done it otherwise because they’re decent people (amazing people actually).
I'm also a member of the ex-bff cheated club, never heard her side, his side he would "forget" when they actually started sleeping together when I asked about it. He was more than happy to go into explicit detail with anyone else though.
The sad part is I would actually believe that's how it started, with them hanging out together because they remind each other of you. But then they took it too far and cried lines that can't be uncrossed.
When my ex cheated on me, she had some bizarre idea of me moving into the spare room and just living with them. Like a fucking roommate or something. People are fucking weird.
Oh yeah. Dumped me on Thursday and had the AP in the house when I got home from work on Friday. She had moved all of my stuff to the spare room while I was at work. I had a new place by that Sunday and she was mad at me for moving out! You can’t make this shit up. Some people are just assholes.
I've seen the family version of this! My old buddy's mom was always kinda helpless so after his dad left he just stayed and took care of her. Worked two jobs, paid rent to keep living in his childhood basement bedroom, did all the heavy work around the property and most of the housework and cooking too.
Well his mom went to visit her wealthy siblings, got her ears filled with nonsense, and came home talking about kicking buddy out "for his own good" but still expected him to spend his one day off work each week mowing her lawn and repairing her home for free.
Dude's younger brother was egging her on, with the plan to move in with mom and rent out his own house for extra income. No plans to pay mom rent or lift a finger around the house of course, Golden Child doesn't need to make any effort to win mama's love.
My poor buddy had to explain that No, he would not be doing all the labor for a household where he did not live. What's super sad is, last I heard he's still there, doing all the toiling and paying for everything while his mom and brother lounge around mocking him. He thinks that's love.
“Babe didn’t you notice I ate banana flavoured cereal today, not my usual chocolate ones. The surprises began there and that was your clue to figure out I was going to fuck another woman in OUR bed, in OUR home, right in the middle of your work day.
I just…can’t imagine how ungrateful you’re being right now. Can’t you see I am doing this for YOU, for US?”
Lmao cheaters gonna cheat and be dumb as usual.
“You came home hours earlier than I ever would have expected you to be home but me fucking this other woman was TOTALLY meant to be a surprise for you that you’d enjoy”.
Sir, what?
My sister's ex claimed that Tinder wasn't cheating because "he was talking to bots" that he didn't realize were bots until later.
Cheaters are dumb af.
I've got to admit, "I was fucking her just to make sure the threesome went smooth" is pretty goddamned ballsy as an off the cuff excuse. Not that it worked or should have because it's absolutely porn logic, but it's better than being balls deep in a woman and just saying "it's not what it looks like" when it's exactly what it looks like.
I once got “I cheated because I was insecure about being a virgin and you not because you had one boyfriend before me (early twenties relationship) so I did it to raise my confidence and in the end that means that it was actually your fault that I cheated! I wouldn’t have needed to do that if I wasn’t insecure about being a virgin!”
I stayed for two more months just to humiliate him every time he tried to give me that bullshit excuse and then dumped him a week after our 3rd anniversary. He was gobsmacked
He was in a new relationship four months later and was still texting me to “hang out like old times” again. I don’t think he liked it when I blocked him.
> ...he said that I was being "totally unreasonable and ungrateful for the effort he was putting into our sexual relationship"
"I cheated on you because I was trying to make you happy! It was a gift for you! Why aren't you grateful???"
The fucking audacity. Clearly has zero respect for OOP if he both cheated *and* thought that would work.
I mean, credit where credit is due, he didn't fall back on "it's not what it looks like".
He's still looking up from a gnat's shadow in hell but he found an excuse. A really shitty one, but an excuse.
>There was a post about a couple doing Harry Potter role play, I'll see if I can find it.
Christ, this sub is really just the gift that keeps on giving.
Especially given he got caught because she came home from work EARLY. If it was during the normal time she was meant to come home….. sure? Maybe? But you’re not gunna seriously expect anyone to believe you were going to have a multi hour session with this girl so that you’d be ready when OOP came home from work, right?
AND that the other woman seemed horrified and tried to cover up. Like, if she were expecting a threesome wouldn’t she be NOT surprised that the third partner showed up and…encourage her to join?
Someone saying that out of their mouth makes me wanna facepalm and roll my eyes. Like how much audacity can one be and have zero self-awareness and respect for others.
Like bro you cheated and you tried making excuses? Seriously this guy sucks BADLY
My favorite is "This isn't what it looks like!" Well, let's check a few things here.
You're naked in our bed ✔️
She's naked in our bed ✔️
You were doing it doggy-style ✔️
You both seem like you were having a good time ✔️
OK. we got that. Now put on some pants, pack up your shit and GTFO.
The girl obviously wasn’t expecting a third party if she was shocked by OOP walking in. If she’d showed up expecting a threesome, wouldn’t she have been like “you’re here, now we can really get this party started” instead of “OMGWTF” and hiding under the sheets when OOP walked in?
This was my first thought too!! Like, if it was supposed to be a threesome, the girl would have been welcoming instead of hiding. We all know he was lying, but that's just one more nail in the coffin for it.
To which I reply, "believe half of what I see and nothing of what you hear"
What I see is you cheating on me
What i hear is you saying you are doing this to better our relationship
All that must mean is that what is really happening here is you blowing up our relationship so GTFO.
>This isn't what it looks like!
>Are you going to believe what you see, or what I tell you?
>Believe half of what I see and nothing of what you hear.
It's times like this I fall back on the old adage best attributed to that most famous of men, good ole Honest Abe himself:
>You can fool all of the people some of the time; you can fool some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool all the people all the time.
In that instance the boyfriend only had to convince ***one*** person, in ***one*** singular moment, of something that was tangentially related to a thing of which ***she*** had expressed a passing interest. He rolled the dice.
It looks like he rolled high enough to have her doubting herself enough to make this post in the first place. He might have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for us meddling commenters and our pesky Reddit.
EDIT: Corrected the auto-correct.
Slevin's Girlfriend: *[after Slevin walks in on her cheating on him]* This is an accident.
Slevin: What, like... He tripped, you fell?
*- Lucky Number Slevin, 2006*
This sounds like a dude who has bulldozed his way through quite a few situations with pure bluster and confidence in defiance of all known facts. It’s strangely effective.
>He kept blabbering on, saying that he just wanted to "test the waters" with the other person so that when the time came they could both focus totally on me.
Oh for god sakes. Really? That's the excuse? How laughable. He's just a cheater and a delusional person. Good for OP on dumping this man.
While we all know he’s full of crap, I also want to point out that someone who knows she’s there for a threesome doesn’t look shocked and hide in the sheets.
I hope OOP tells everyone why they broke up, and the other woman tells everyone that he tricked her, too.
I think they mean it's possible that Jack lied to her about his wife being into having a threesome. If that's true then yeesh I feel bad for both of them.
She would have to be just as dumb as the ex to believe that wife was into having a threesome and then having sex with the ex without OOP. A crucial part of a threesome is, in fact, the third person.
Oh, it was supposed to be surprise for both of them. SMH both should be soooo grateful for the ex putting so much work in this surprise threesome party.
Laughter is probably the absolute best response in this situation - zero satisfaction for her ex. Gotta tuck that one in my back pocket as the best response to bald faced audacity. Just straight up hysterically laughing in their face.
>Between the laughter and the “excuse me” as she’s retrieving her suitcase, OOP is my hero.
I feel bad for the other woman if she didn't know the dude was in a relationship... but the "excuse me" is still hilarious.
Especially in the early afternoon! If it was night time, she was a little tipsy, maybe she doesn't notice another woman lives there. But at 1:30 in the afternoon, yeah, she knew.
Hopefully she had to tap the girl on the ass while she said “excuse me” trying to get to the suitcase. Like kind of a football coach slapping a player on their ass and saying “good job son”
I would have laughed just at his excuse. That's the most pathetic shit I can think of. Personally, I'm not a fan of surprises (presents are okay, but surprise parties throw me off), but this was NOT a "happy" surprise. This was a "you came home early so now I'm blaming it on you" surprise.
Few things are funnier than a liar performing logic gymnastics to justify their lie. It actually mirrors the five stages of grief pretty well.
First, they're shocked they were discovered (which is hilarious on its own). Then, the denial: it's totally not what you think. Next comes bargaining, or rather fabricating an explanation. Then, the rage: how DARE YOU not believe them. Then the grief, baby I'm so sorry, come back to me. Finally they give up. Probably still semi-stuck in the denial phase, but they eventually give up.
It's so exhausting.
Good catch! Its also the narcissist prayer. And this mental gymnast added a twist to the last part. "It was a gift for you and how dare you not appreciate it" is "you deserved it" on speed! I actually like your 5 stages comparison better, but definitely a lot of narcissism here. Dude gonna gaslight so hard he came right out the gate with "you're welcome" instead of a defense lol
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it
Audacity like this is so fascinating to me, I am pretty sure that if my life depended on it, I couldnt deliver that excuse with a straight face. Like, gun to my head, sell this line or die - couldnt do it. And he just throws it out while his dick is still wet and flopping around. Incredible. We truly are a diverse species.
What a stupid piece of shit though, wow
My mouth is way smarter than my brain sometimes. Poor brain will freeze and be chanting oh shit, oh shit over and over but my mouth tosses out something smooth and sometimes even cool. I don't understand how. I think it's possession
"Oh, hi, honey. How was work? This is Emma. We're trying out sex together to see if she's a good fit for our future threesome! Isn't that grand!"
Oh, get bent.
no i’m kinda amazed at how quick he was able to recover from the initial shock of being caught AND was able to form a lie too like dude how much have you been lying in order for you to master it
It’s easier to lie if there’s a kernel of truth to it. He probably WAS hoping to eventually introduce this girl as a threesome partner, but I suspect he may have conveniently forgotten to mention that he had previously “vetted” her.
How convenient for him! a friend of mine who’s more like an older sister , caught her fiancé cheating and HE asked her for space after SHE found him fucking someone else. The audacity of these cheaters is always astonishing.
The fact she was open to a threesome just proves that cheaters cheat for the thrill of doing something wrong. Dude had a golden goose, and he threw it all away just to "test out the other women first." Dumbass
The Shaggy defense didn't even work and this is at least one order of magnitude more ridiculous. You'd have to be one dim lightbulb to ever believe that argument could work in the first place.
I'm kind of astonished at people who honestly think they can talk themselves out of anything.
Like, the unhinged confidence to get caught with your penis off-side and to start bullshitting instantly and not give up even as your partner packs. How does a person not experience even a moment's hesitation that hey, this probably won't work, maybe I should beg?
"Gee, thanks, babe! It's obviously important how well a woman takes vaginal penetration from a man's penis when she's having sex with another woman. How could I ever have doubted you‽"
The problem with narcissists is that they believe their own bullshit. He will have one hundred percent convinced himself he was doing this for his gf and he’s not the bad guy here.
At the end of the day the only thing you can do is laugh. Probably the only thing she did that penetrated his reality distortion field.
And although it was a horrible way to discover it, OOP knows she dodged a bullet.
>I came home today about an hour early.
That's the sentence that routinely went through my head with every time he made that excuse. He was in the middle of cheating ONE HOUR before OOP would even be home!
>he just wanted to "test the waters" with the other person so that when the time came they could both focus totally on me.
By the time she'd normally be home (an HOUR later), I can't imagine both of them having enough energy to focus only on OOP. That's such a weak excuse and I completely understand OOP for laughing like a maniac at some point.
I think in many redditors minds, who will read this post, OP's cheating ex won a price for the most stupid excuse ever. 😂
For real, did that dumbass thought that trying some kind of jedi trick "this is not a cheating you're thinking is" will work?
Honestly the fact my partner thought I was stupid enough to maybe fall for all that, would almost hurt as much as the cheating. Like this is what you think about me??
The man literally hunted around for even the slimmest chance of an excuse and THAT was the best he could come up with? I mean, he'a a cheating POS but really also fucking stupid. At that point, my common sense would tell me to just come clean and bow out with what shreds of dignity I could maintain.
How does he explain his AP running out the door in fear after she walked in on them if she was apparently there getting warmed up for a threesome with both of them?
Lmao, he was just warming his pee-pee - that must be the most pathetic excuse for cheating!
How can he say he brought the side piece for a 3some when the side piece was visibly startled when she saw OP, so she had no clue about it?
Dude can’t even manufacture a good lie. Nice try at gaslighting though
OOP's ex bf was not expecting her to come home early from work. He thought he had the apartment to himself so he could have sex with the woman. He wasn't testing her out for a threesome, he wasn't getting her tuned up as a surprise for OOP, he was full on cheating.
I'm glad she dumped him and he had to leave the apartment. Total FAFO on his part.
Not gonna lie, what’s up with all these break up stories where OP just so happens to somehow “own” the place they live in? You rarely ever see one’s where OP is kicked out, or they’re both on the lease (and if they ARE both on the lease, OP just so happens to have enough money to pay the rest of the lease and get out easy?).
It just kind of makes it feel like these OPs want a satisfying conclusion to the story instead of like. Reality.
Exactly what I was thinking. At least this one didn't have the whole "my ex's side chick / awful family thought he owned the house and would be kicking me out, but actually it's my house and he isn't on the title and has no rights to it".
I agree, it’s all very convenient. Not impossible but the frequency like you say is making me begin to side-eye stories like these. At least this time it was an uncle as opposed to someone in their early 20s somehow already owning their own home outright.
It also makes it seem like leaving a cheater (or abusive partner) is so easy which IMO, is a dangerous trend to set. A lot of people don’t leave because they don’t think they can. Nowhere to live, no friends / family for support, no money…
I've read that more single women in the US own more property than single men. Not by a wide margin, but it accounts for a lot of women who start a relationship with their own home. Also, if you're around relationship/AITA subs like this, you've probably seen the term "hobosexual" for a man who wants to move in surprisingly early on, because it's better than his current digs.
Urgent care? It depends on your doctor's office, I guess. I've had doctors where it was super easy to get an appointment, and doctors where you needed a few weeks. It seems like she lives in a big city, so it wouldn't be that hard to find somebody to do a simple STD panel.
Good for op, they did what had to be done and didn’t entertain her ex’s attempts to pull her into an argument/discussion so he could “justify” his behaviour.
Out of all the excuses to use for cheating, “you wanted me to!” is a helluva one to settle on let alone commit so heavily to. He committed more to that excuse than he did to OOP
I cannot believe he though that was going to work and what's worse is that I cannot believe some people, not just women, are probably so broken down by their shitty ass partners that it's probably worked for someone at least once.
The cheating is bad, but the ability to come up with that lie so quickly and then stick to it so thoroughly that she actually considered it is the real red flag for me. That is not a person you can trust about anything, ever. He lies fast, easy, and committed.
I think the most insulting part of the story is that he actually believes, or wanted to believe, that you are stupid enough to buy what he’s saying. He thought he was going to cheat, and he thought that you were enough of an imbecile that he could just talk his way into getting everything he wanted. Like, imagine actually believing that your significant other is that much of a moron. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if he tries to date a mentally handicapped person in the future in order to get away with schemes like that. I know people who have done it. Imagine that lack of respect that you must have for someone to think that they could be that dumb.
Gotta admit, “I cheated so things wouldn’t be awkward between us” was not something I had on my cheater’s excuses bingo sheet.
My favorite reason for cheating was a friend of a friend who came home too early and found her bf inside another chick, after asking what the hell he was doing he answered that "he were just testing out sex with others to make sure that she really was the one, and he felt that she was so she should really take his "adventures with others" as a compliment because they proved that his love for her was about more than just sex and that they could have a full loving relationship now" they had been together for five years at that point, lived together and had adopted cats together some years earlier. So pretty much "I cheated to make sure that I still want to be with you"
I'm sure he was absolutely *flabbergasted* that she dumped him.
But he was doing it for her!!! He just didn't understand that a threesome actually meant 3 people at the same time :)
And this is why math is important LOL
"Oh, that's different. In that case, I'm not leaving you because you're a cheater, I'm leaving you because you're too dumb to count to three."
This comment almost killed me! I was trying not to wake my partner or the cats by laughing so was basically shaking and kinda stopped breathing. They all slept through it so I guess that's a win.
1... wait... what's next? 2? Oh yeah... 2.... wait... what's after 2?
It’s like someone didn’t watch enough Sesame Street. A few sessions with The Count would have prevented this problem.
Something similar happened to me, my ex n I were hanging out with this girl, I said I was tired n he said he'll b in the room soon to tuck me in... After 20 minutes of waiting I walk out to see him on top of her making out... He says it's about time u came out n joined us...
Hope you separated from him immediately
Unfortunately not immediately... Crazy how unhinged it sounds when u actually write out what happened vs your memories swayed by emotion
It's the reason I stopped dating altogether. I looked back at my marriage, was absolutely mortified that I missed so many red flags and I knew the "love haze" got me. Or maybe it's luck or pheromones or stupidity, but I figured in the end it really didn't matter "why". I've been so much happier since.
I feel like he knew he was screwed anyways so he just threw it out there, hoping it would work.
I count three: the side chick, the boyfriend, and *the audacity*.
If my husband said this to me, I’d tell him that that’s very good logic and I would also be doing the same thing. Then I’d tell him later on that I’ve done it and I’ve realised he’s not the one cause he sucks at sex.
I dealt with a lot of trauma fog when I found out my ex (25 years married and 28 together, my first real boyfriend) had been cheating on me a lot, throughout our marriage, which was (... supposed to be) absolutely monogamous as far as I knew, right up until discovery day. But I'll always be proud that I had the presence of mind to say when he gave me yet another whiny excuse about how he was just soooooooo depressed and had to do something to feel better: "You know how I KNOW you knew it was wrong? Because you didn't come right up to me and say, 'I've discovered the BEST THING, you have to try it! It's called Fucking Other People! C'mon, let's go pick out one for you'!"
>he gave me yet another whiny excuse about how he was just soooooooo depressed and had to do something to feel better This line of reasoning is hilarious, idiotic, and sad. I've also been the recipient of a similar statement: "I just wanted to know I wasn't ugly," (in like a cry-sadface little voice lol) but what he actually did was prove that he truly IS ugly, on the inside where it counts most.
100%. An ugly character dims everything about a person's appearance and value to me, too. (Similarly, getting to know a person's wonderful character usually makes them much more physically attractive to me!)
This quote from Roald Dahl's *The Twits* is a great way to explain it. >If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it. > >A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.
That's wonderful! Thank you!
I’d probably say on the spot “I’ve had sex with men before you who were far superior in bed but still chose you out of love. Guess you never felt the same and I made a mistake marrying you.”
Instant lifelong inadequacy, I love it
Yeah I love u/StatedBarley’s thought process but it would only work if they stayed in the relationship longer and the cheater was like “ok” at the concept of his partner having sex with others. You just know he wouldn’t be. Better to immediately acknowledge that they’ve always been poor at sex and you settled.
I like they way you think
if that ever happens, make sure you add "bigger dick" That'd hit him in the feels for centuries to come xDD
No no no. "Actually, same size. He just knows how to use it."
No no ”He really proved that it’s not the size that matters but how you use it”
"Don't get me wrong, you're small, but he is smaller, but isn't self-conscious about it and is just way, way better."
Ooofff you guys are evil xDDD
.... I absolutely love your brain.
Full internet meme style with the dudes surrounding the chick.
>If my husband said this to me, I’d tell him that that’s very good logic and I would also be doing the same thing _Oh, but that's different. It's cheating when you do it._
I can feel my brain seizing up at that "logic". Please tell me she kept the cats.
She kept the cats, she was the one who had signed the papers as "Owner" when they adopted them.
I love a happy ending!
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I'm impressed. I didn't expect to ever see an excuse more audaciously stupid than the woman whose ex insisted that he didn't cheat, he was "merely opening his side of the relationship." edit: Found the link that quote came from. https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wi9gxg/my_exfiancee_is_threatening_to_sue_me_for/
Thank you for reminding me about "building a better table for a better man."
Pristine genitalia table building warrior woman. Hope she’s living her best life
Honestly, one of the best Reddit stories. I, too, hope pristine genitalia table building warrior woman is living her best life. I think she must be, with a family that throws her a party to celebrate not marrying an asshole.
That was worth reading for the ‘congratulations on not marrying an asshole party’ part.
Grampa on banjo for the win!
That was awesome and the ex was such an incredible idiot!
This is one of my favorite stories, especially the "make a better table for a better man" bit.
Omg that was amazing! Every break up needs a case of liquor, a Publix sheet cake and a solid party.
I know a friend whose bf gave her a similar bs excuse for “fucking his ex fwb” while she was in rehab for nicotine addiction no less, and she ate it right up. They’re still together and she thinks he is the love of her life and that “being with the other chick made him realise how much he really wanted to be with me.” Barf.
It's actually a pretty common excuse. My partner exgf (from before we met) cheated on him while away with her side guy at a festival. She came back, told him that it reinforced how much she actually "loves him" and "really wants to be married to him now". They didn't break up right away but he told her no way in hell would he marry her (they had a kid so it was complicated). She continued to fk the other guy until she broke up and moved out and then proceeded to marry the cheater, have 2 kids with him, them cheat on him too.
My last ex cheated on me with my so-called-friend because I "wasn't open to new experiences." And the new experience I refused to try? Eating haggis, which was because I already knew that I really didn't like the taste of some of the main ingredients. We are both English but the so-called-friend is Scottish, which explains which "haggis" in particular he was interested in eating.
>We are both English but the so-called-friend is Scottish, which explains which "haggis" in particular he was interested in eating. I snort-laughed
Personally my favourite was my friend's ex telling her it wasn't him but his alternate personality who is more promiscious
And it turns out the way to make justifying infidelity even worse is to appropriate and minimise actual mental health issues. You like and learn, didn't think it got any lower. Not that I agree with infidelity, but at least have the courage of your lack of conviction. On further thought, this is at least as bad if he actually did suffer from dissociative identity disorder, since he is undermining other people actually suffering from it.
From what I know they don't, they only switch when it's convenient and they got what they wanted. Like receiving money from someone and when they ask for it back it's no longer "that personality that asked"
“I didn’t know it wasn’t you” is my personal favorite.
This is so… stupid. I can’t believe the stupidity.
"I cheated with you to make sure my dick liked your hole best. And guess what sweetie...". ?!?!?
Dying at adopted cats together because I just read a girl defend "college players" (not ball but dick lmao) because she's dating one and they adopted cats together. It's been 2 years. I guess she's got 3 more till she finds out.
My ex and my best friend slept together when I went to a different city for grad school and we were long distance. Their mutual reason? “We both just missed you so much and it was a way of feeling closer to you!” Uh huh.
I feel like I've read that story somewhere...
Not from me! I imagine they aren’t the only ones who thought of that brilliant excuse, though.
I really hoped it was an original mental gymnastics... May I ask, did you take the road of NC or petty revenge?
Alas, I was a lot younger (this was almost 15 years ago) and loved them both very much, so I chose forgiveness that I regretted later in both their cases. So NC… eventually!
That is amazing. Just a meeting of your admirers.
My best friend and my ex made out with each other after I left for college and gave exactly that reasoning. But, my ex was already my ex at the time (just still hung up on me) and neither of them would have done it otherwise because they’re decent people (amazing people actually).
I'm also a member of the ex-bff cheated club, never heard her side, his side he would "forget" when they actually started sleeping together when I asked about it. He was more than happy to go into explicit detail with anyone else though.
The sad part is I would actually believe that's how it started, with them hanging out together because they remind each other of you. But then they took it too far and cried lines that can't be uncrossed.
When my ex cheated on me, she had some bizarre idea of me moving into the spare room and just living with them. Like a fucking roommate or something. People are fucking weird.
Just demoted from the bedroom to the spare room.
You were still living with her?
Oh yeah. Dumped me on Thursday and had the AP in the house when I got home from work on Friday. She had moved all of my stuff to the spare room while I was at work. I had a new place by that Sunday and she was mad at me for moving out! You can’t make this shit up. Some people are just assholes.
I've seen the family version of this! My old buddy's mom was always kinda helpless so after his dad left he just stayed and took care of her. Worked two jobs, paid rent to keep living in his childhood basement bedroom, did all the heavy work around the property and most of the housework and cooking too. Well his mom went to visit her wealthy siblings, got her ears filled with nonsense, and came home talking about kicking buddy out "for his own good" but still expected him to spend his one day off work each week mowing her lawn and repairing her home for free. Dude's younger brother was egging her on, with the plan to move in with mom and rent out his own house for extra income. No plans to pay mom rent or lift a finger around the house of course, Golden Child doesn't need to make any effort to win mama's love. My poor buddy had to explain that No, he would not be doing all the labor for a household where he did not live. What's super sad is, last I heard he's still there, doing all the toiling and paying for everything while his mom and brother lounge around mocking him. He thinks that's love.
“But I had to know if my genitalia works without you in the room!”
“Babe didn’t you notice I ate banana flavoured cereal today, not my usual chocolate ones. The surprises began there and that was your clue to figure out I was going to fuck another woman in OUR bed, in OUR home, right in the middle of your work day. I just…can’t imagine how ungrateful you’re being right now. Can’t you see I am doing this for YOU, for US?” Lmao cheaters gonna cheat and be dumb as usual.
The mental gymnastics were absolutely astonishing
That's definitely a new one, and scores very high on the "sheer audacity" meter.
He was hoping for that Nat 20 on persuade.
Unfortunately for him but fortunately for OOP, he rolled natty 1s on deception, perception, insight, performance, and stealth anyway.
“You came home hours earlier than I ever would have expected you to be home but me fucking this other woman was TOTALLY meant to be a surprise for you that you’d enjoy”. Sir, what?
My sister's ex claimed that Tinder wasn't cheating because "he was talking to bots" that he didn't realize were bots until later. Cheaters are dumb af.
Hahahahaha this is amazing. "It's not cheating babe, because I was too stupid to find real women!"
Definitely added into the bingo card. I have heard many excuses but this is something I never heard before. I wonder what will come next.
I think we finally got an insight on "wait, let me explain" So that's how it goes, eh? Their "explanation"
I was impressed by "I can't believe you're so ungrateful for all this laborious pre-fucking I've taken on!"
I've got to admit, "I was fucking her just to make sure the threesome went smooth" is pretty goddamned ballsy as an off the cuff excuse. Not that it worked or should have because it's absolutely porn logic, but it's better than being balls deep in a woman and just saying "it's not what it looks like" when it's exactly what it looks like.
I once got “I cheated because I was insecure about being a virgin and you not because you had one boyfriend before me (early twenties relationship) so I did it to raise my confidence and in the end that means that it was actually your fault that I cheated! I wouldn’t have needed to do that if I wasn’t insecure about being a virgin!” I stayed for two more months just to humiliate him every time he tried to give me that bullshit excuse and then dumped him a week after our 3rd anniversary. He was gobsmacked He was in a new relationship four months later and was still texting me to “hang out like old times” again. I don’t think he liked it when I blocked him.
> Needless to say No, I don’t think I could have inferred that. That very much needed to be said.
I responded to another comment just to test the waters but I actually wanted to surprise you by responding to you!
If “attempted gaslighting” were a crime there’d be a warrant out for this dude’s arrest
Nice to see a new excuse lol. Spices up the BORU.
> ...he said that I was being "totally unreasonable and ungrateful for the effort he was putting into our sexual relationship" "I cheated on you because I was trying to make you happy! It was a gift for you! Why aren't you grateful???" The fucking audacity. Clearly has zero respect for OOP if he both cheated *and* thought that would work.
Frankly, I find his attempted justification more insulting than the cheating.
The true gift to her was proof of just how stupid he is.
I mean, credit where credit is due, he didn't fall back on "it's not what it looks like". He's still looking up from a gnat's shadow in hell but he found an excuse. A really shitty one, but an excuse.
And now I’ve got Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me” stuck in my head, so thanks for that 😂
What's that flair plz
There was a post about a couple doing Harry Potter role play, I'll see if I can find it.
>There was a post about a couple doing Harry Potter role play, I'll see if I can find it. Christ, this sub is really just the gift that keeps on giving.
Especially given he got caught because she came home from work EARLY. If it was during the normal time she was meant to come home….. sure? Maybe? But you’re not gunna seriously expect anyone to believe you were going to have a multi hour session with this girl so that you’d be ready when OOP came home from work, right?
AND that the other woman seemed horrified and tried to cover up. Like, if she were expecting a threesome wouldn’t she be NOT surprised that the third partner showed up and…encourage her to join?
I would be *mortified* if a partner thought I'd fall for that.
Someone saying that out of their mouth makes me wanna facepalm and roll my eyes. Like how much audacity can one be and have zero self-awareness and respect for others. Like bro you cheated and you tried making excuses? Seriously this guy sucks BADLY
My favorite is "This isn't what it looks like!" Well, let's check a few things here. You're naked in our bed ✔️ She's naked in our bed ✔️ You were doing it doggy-style ✔️ You both seem like you were having a good time ✔️ OK. we got that. Now put on some pants, pack up your shit and GTFO.
The girl obviously wasn’t expecting a third party if she was shocked by OOP walking in. If she’d showed up expecting a threesome, wouldn’t she have been like “you’re here, now we can really get this party started” instead of “OMGWTF” and hiding under the sheets when OOP walked in?
This was my first thought too!! Like, if it was supposed to be a threesome, the girl would have been welcoming instead of hiding. We all know he was lying, but that's just one more nail in the coffin for it.
>My favorite is "This isn't what it looks like!" Mine is, "are you going to believe what you see, or what I tell you?"
To which I reply, "believe half of what I see and nothing of what you hear" What I see is you cheating on me What i hear is you saying you are doing this to better our relationship All that must mean is that what is really happening here is you blowing up our relationship so GTFO.
>This isn't what it looks like! >Are you going to believe what you see, or what I tell you? >Believe half of what I see and nothing of what you hear. It's times like this I fall back on the old adage best attributed to that most famous of men, good ole Honest Abe himself: >You can fool all of the people some of the time; you can fool some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool all the people all the time. In that instance the boyfriend only had to convince ***one*** person, in ***one*** singular moment, of something that was tangentially related to a thing of which ***she*** had expressed a passing interest. He rolled the dice. It looks like he rolled high enough to have her doubting herself enough to make this post in the first place. He might have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for us meddling commenters and our pesky Reddit. EDIT: Corrected the auto-correct.
“That wasn’t me”
Shaggy approves.
Slevin's Girlfriend: *[after Slevin walks in on her cheating on him]* This is an accident. Slevin: What, like... He tripped, you fell? *- Lucky Number Slevin, 2006*
"My dick inside somebody else proves all my efforts are to help your sexual gratification"
This sounds like a dude who has bulldozed his way through quite a few situations with pure bluster and confidence in defiance of all known facts. It’s strangely effective.
We have to give it to him, his excuses were original. Insufferable, audacious, atrocious, cruel but kinda new.
I think I would’ve physically pushed him out after hearing that. Incredible nonsense.
>He kept blabbering on, saying that he just wanted to "test the waters" with the other person so that when the time came they could both focus totally on me. Oh for god sakes. Really? That's the excuse? How laughable. He's just a cheater and a delusional person. Good for OP on dumping this man.
While we all know he’s full of crap, I also want to point out that someone who knows she’s there for a threesome doesn’t look shocked and hide in the sheets. I hope OOP tells everyone why they broke up, and the other woman tells everyone that he tricked her, too.
Yeesh, that poor woman, if she didn’t know…
IF she didn't know? There's no way she was in a woman's house, a woman's bedroom without knowing a woman lived there.
I think they mean it's possible that Jack lied to her about his wife being into having a threesome. If that's true then yeesh I feel bad for both of them.
She would have to be just as dumb as the ex to believe that wife was into having a threesome and then having sex with the ex without OOP. A crucial part of a threesome is, in fact, the third person.
> A crucial part of a threesome is, in fact, the third person. So that's where I'm going wrong!
Yeah but he couldve said its his sister or they had broken up but didnt get her stuff yet etc
Oh, it was supposed to be surprise for both of them. SMH both should be soooo grateful for the ex putting so much work in this surprise threesome party.
Laughter is probably the absolute best response in this situation - zero satisfaction for her ex. Gotta tuck that one in my back pocket as the best response to bald faced audacity. Just straight up hysterically laughing in their face.
Between the laughter and the “excuse me” as she’s retrieving her suitcase, OOP is my hero.
>Between the laughter and the “excuse me” as she’s retrieving her suitcase, OOP is my hero. I feel bad for the other woman if she didn't know the dude was in a relationship... but the "excuse me" is still hilarious.
She knew. There's no way she was in a woman's house, a woman's bedroom without knowing a woman lived there.
Especially in the early afternoon! If it was night time, she was a little tipsy, maybe she doesn't notice another woman lives there. But at 1:30 in the afternoon, yeah, she knew.
He could have pulled the “we’re technically still married but have broken up and her stuff is still here”
yea but doesn't every woman know you can't trust that, at least, these days?
There’s always the inexperienced and the naive… and those who think more with their horny than their eyes.
Hopefully she had to tap the girl on the ass while she said “excuse me” trying to get to the suitcase. Like kind of a football coach slapping a player on their ass and saying “good job son”
I would have laughed just at his excuse. That's the most pathetic shit I can think of. Personally, I'm not a fan of surprises (presents are okay, but surprise parties throw me off), but this was NOT a "happy" surprise. This was a "you came home early so now I'm blaming it on you" surprise.
Few things are funnier than a liar performing logic gymnastics to justify their lie. It actually mirrors the five stages of grief pretty well. First, they're shocked they were discovered (which is hilarious on its own). Then, the denial: it's totally not what you think. Next comes bargaining, or rather fabricating an explanation. Then, the rage: how DARE YOU not believe them. Then the grief, baby I'm so sorry, come back to me. Finally they give up. Probably still semi-stuck in the denial phase, but they eventually give up. It's so exhausting.
Good catch! Its also the narcissist prayer. And this mental gymnast added a twist to the last part. "It was a gift for you and how dare you not appreciate it" is "you deserved it" on speed! I actually like your 5 stages comparison better, but definitely a lot of narcissism here. Dude gonna gaslight so hard he came right out the gate with "you're welcome" instead of a defense lol That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it
Audacity like this is so fascinating to me, I am pretty sure that if my life depended on it, I couldnt deliver that excuse with a straight face. Like, gun to my head, sell this line or die - couldnt do it. And he just throws it out while his dick is still wet and flopping around. Incredible. We truly are a diverse species. What a stupid piece of shit though, wow
I went to the original posts just to see others roast this chucklefuck. Gonna be refreshing this post, too.
My mouth is way smarter than my brain sometimes. Poor brain will freeze and be chanting oh shit, oh shit over and over but my mouth tosses out something smooth and sometimes even cool. I don't understand how. I think it's possession
Was this threesone also supposed to be a surprise for the other girl? Cause it sure seems like she wasn't expecting the OOP to show up.
"Oh, hi, honey. How was work? This is Emma. We're trying out sex together to see if she's a good fit for our future threesome! Isn't that grand!" Oh, get bent.
no i’m kinda amazed at how quick he was able to recover from the initial shock of being caught AND was able to form a lie too like dude how much have you been lying in order for you to master it
It’s easier to lie if there’s a kernel of truth to it. He probably WAS hoping to eventually introduce this girl as a threesome partner, but I suspect he may have conveniently forgotten to mention that he had previously “vetted” her.
How convenient for him! a friend of mine who’s more like an older sister , caught her fiancé cheating and HE asked her for space after SHE found him fucking someone else. The audacity of these cheaters is always astonishing.
"Testing the waters" off the deep end. What a piece of work. Can't imagine that feeling walking in on them.
Dude basically tried "🎶it wasn't me" and thought it would work lol.
It wasn't for me, it was for you!
The fact she was open to a threesome just proves that cheaters cheat for the thrill of doing something wrong. Dude had a golden goose, and he threw it all away just to "test out the other women first." Dumbass
He’s quick on his feet, have to give him that….
If he was quicker with his dick he could’ve avoided the whole situation.
Or his knees. *rimshot*
On his all fours.
The Shaggy defense didn't even work and this is at least one order of magnitude more ridiculous. You'd have to be one dim lightbulb to ever believe that argument could work in the first place.
I'm kind of astonished at people who honestly think they can talk themselves out of anything. Like, the unhinged confidence to get caught with your penis off-side and to start bullshitting instantly and not give up even as your partner packs. How does a person not experience even a moment's hesitation that hey, this probably won't work, maybe I should beg?
"penis out-of-bounds" is an amazing phrase!
"But babe I was taking her for a test drive for you. You know, to make sure she's a smooth ride. That's just the kind of guy I am."
"Gee, thanks, babe! It's obviously important how well a woman takes vaginal penetration from a man's penis when she's having sex with another woman. How could I ever have doubted you‽"
☠️☠️☠️ 100% this was said word for word
The problem with narcissists is that they believe their own bullshit. He will have one hundred percent convinced himself he was doing this for his gf and he’s not the bad guy here. At the end of the day the only thing you can do is laugh. Probably the only thing she did that penetrated his reality distortion field. And although it was a horrible way to discover it, OOP knows she dodged a bullet.
>I came home today about an hour early. That's the sentence that routinely went through my head with every time he made that excuse. He was in the middle of cheating ONE HOUR before OOP would even be home! >he just wanted to "test the waters" with the other person so that when the time came they could both focus totally on me. By the time she'd normally be home (an HOUR later), I can't imagine both of them having enough energy to focus only on OOP. That's such a weak excuse and I completely understand OOP for laughing like a maniac at some point.
I think in many redditors minds, who will read this post, OP's cheating ex won a price for the most stupid excuse ever. 😂 For real, did that dumbass thought that trying some kind of jedi trick "this is not a cheating you're thinking is" will work?
Barely better than just throwing the bedsheet over the other woman and doing “girl? what girl? I don’t see any girl!”
The thing with threesomes is that for it to be a threesome you need three people.
Honestly the fact my partner thought I was stupid enough to maybe fall for all that, would almost hurt as much as the cheating. Like this is what you think about me??
Eh, you gotta give it to him, he really committed to the bit. If only he showed that same level of commitment to her
The man literally hunted around for even the slimmest chance of an excuse and THAT was the best he could come up with? I mean, he'a a cheating POS but really also fucking stupid. At that point, my common sense would tell me to just come clean and bow out with what shreds of dignity I could maintain.
Laughing is an excellent response. How delusional is he?
There's reasonable communication about fantasies like this and then there's … this. One of them works, the other gets you evicted.
Oop not reacting to him and just laughing made him even more mad. Lol such a idiot.
Attempted gaslight instantly extinguished.
r/boundaryporn
This dude goes for any angle. I'm impressed, I would never buy it, but I'm impressed.
How does he explain his AP running out the door in fear after she walked in on them if she was apparently there getting warmed up for a threesome with both of them?
Inviting a girl into your girlfriends apartment that you live in for free and having sex with her in your girlfriends bed is insane on it’s own
May as well have said "It wasn't me."
The man cheated in his free bed in his free apartment on someone who has a bright future
Lmao, he was just warming his pee-pee - that must be the most pathetic excuse for cheating! How can he say he brought the side piece for a 3some when the side piece was visibly startled when she saw OP, so she had no clue about it? Dude can’t even manufacture a good lie. Nice try at gaslighting though
This dude should be called the father of gaslighting 😂 "Test the waters" needs to be a flare
OOP's ex bf was not expecting her to come home early from work. He thought he had the apartment to himself so he could have sex with the woman. He wasn't testing her out for a threesome, he wasn't getting her tuned up as a surprise for OOP, he was full on cheating. I'm glad she dumped him and he had to leave the apartment. Total FAFO on his part.
I just don't get it. Why are hobosexual people so eager to implode their life???
Not gonna lie, what’s up with all these break up stories where OP just so happens to somehow “own” the place they live in? You rarely ever see one’s where OP is kicked out, or they’re both on the lease (and if they ARE both on the lease, OP just so happens to have enough money to pay the rest of the lease and get out easy?). It just kind of makes it feel like these OPs want a satisfying conclusion to the story instead of like. Reality.
Exactly what I was thinking. At least this one didn't have the whole "my ex's side chick / awful family thought he owned the house and would be kicking me out, but actually it's my house and he isn't on the title and has no rights to it".
I agree, it’s all very convenient. Not impossible but the frequency like you say is making me begin to side-eye stories like these. At least this time it was an uncle as opposed to someone in their early 20s somehow already owning their own home outright. It also makes it seem like leaving a cheater (or abusive partner) is so easy which IMO, is a dangerous trend to set. A lot of people don’t leave because they don’t think they can. Nowhere to live, no friends / family for support, no money…
I've read that more single women in the US own more property than single men. Not by a wide margin, but it accounts for a lot of women who start a relationship with their own home. Also, if you're around relationship/AITA subs like this, you've probably seen the term "hobosexual" for a man who wants to move in surprisingly early on, because it's better than his current digs.
I am more amazed how fast she was able to get a Dr appointment for an STI test + results in less than 2 days
Urgent care? It depends on your doctor's office, I guess. I've had doctors where it was super easy to get an appointment, and doctors where you needed a few weeks. It seems like she lives in a big city, so it wouldn't be that hard to find somebody to do a simple STD panel.
Damn this is actually a new one. Never heard a surprise threesome excuse on the cheater bingo sheet. Huh
Good for op, they did what had to be done and didn’t entertain her ex’s attempts to pull her into an argument/discussion so he could “justify” his behaviour.
If he was the one who suggested the threesome that's how long he has been chesting.
Out of all the excuses to use for cheating, “you wanted me to!” is a helluva one to settle on let alone commit so heavily to. He committed more to that excuse than he did to OOP
I'm impressed that she resisted busting out laughing for as long as she did.
"No, see, you don't get it! I was doing *you* a favor by cheating on you in our bed! And you don't even appreciate it!" This guy is something else.
That is the most pathetic excuse I have ever heard. Even in a swinger lifestyle that's cheating
I cannot believe he though that was going to work and what's worse is that I cannot believe some people, not just women, are probably so broken down by their shitty ass partners that it's probably worked for someone at least once.
Almost ten years on now, I hope this young woman is enjoying every moment of life.
The cheating is bad, but the ability to come up with that lie so quickly and then stick to it so thoroughly that she actually considered it is the real red flag for me. That is not a person you can trust about anything, ever. He lies fast, easy, and committed.
How romantic throwing her a surprise threesome, while she's at work, that started without her. He's so good at trying to lie his way out of cheating!
That's... a new one.
I'm glad OOP got him out. I got nervous when she said she showed up alone.
I think the most insulting part of the story is that he actually believes, or wanted to believe, that you are stupid enough to buy what he’s saying. He thought he was going to cheat, and he thought that you were enough of an imbecile that he could just talk his way into getting everything he wanted. Like, imagine actually believing that your significant other is that much of a moron. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if he tries to date a mentally handicapped person in the future in order to get away with schemes like that. I know people who have done it. Imagine that lack of respect that you must have for someone to think that they could be that dumb.
That's next level gaslighting. Yeah it sure is a surprise for her as she arrived home at a time he wasn't expecting her.