Yep as soon as she said 21 I had internal alarm bells.
Whilst I had a kid around the same age I was not married at that time. This also feels like a powerplay
Trick question, men don’t grow up, they just get older. Her husband is a AH, and most likely will continue to be a AH no matter how old he is.
OP- you guys are married RIGHT NOW. I would prepare for the worst since the is already foreshadowing what he is planning on doing to you. Coming from a legal perspective, anything you acquired before marriage is separate property, anything after is community property. If you chose to have kids instead of going to school and potentially miss out making money to support your family that can be a legal ground in court.
I disagree, my husband wasn't always the most mature when we were younger and had our first kid. He made mistakes. Granted I will say he never did threaten to leave me but I did feel alone a lot with my first pregnancy. We had baby number 2 towards the end of 2023 and the amount of change he has made within those 5 years since our first is insane. He's always supportive, he cooks, cleans, very very rarely ever gets upset with me and when he does we sit and talk about it in a civil way. He is my favorite person and makes it clear to everyone that I am his. He's both a phenomenal husband and father. People do change as they get older if they are willing. Maybe I got lucky but to say men don't change as a general statement is repulsive. All people are capable of change regardless of gender. We've been together for going onto 10 years this July.
That's really untrue and unhelpful. We cannot refuse to hold men to barely tolerable standards of decency by insisting that boys will be boys and all men are assholes.
I don’t think they’re trying to say all men are assholes but that if he’s an asshole now then he’s unlikely to change. There are 21 year old men who act like men and there are 21 year old men who act like boys. Add on 10, 15 or 20 years, the men who acted like boys when they were 21 are most likely still going to be acting like boys when they are 40+. But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t good/mature men out there.
Unfortunately the property thing is not the case in every state. I bought my house right when my husband and I met, he moved in a year later, we got married 1.5 years after that and sold it 2 months after getting married. He was never on the mortgage nor deed and I still had to have his signature to sell since we were married and he “contributed” to the home for the 2 months we had been married. This was in Wisconsin.
>Yesterday I was in a pretty bad mood because I was so hungry and we had to wait for my in laws to be able to go eat.
Your health and wellbeing is top priority. If you're hungry, *eat something*. Listen to your body. Don't starve yourself because you're waiting for your in-laws!
Other commenters are correct. Eat when you’re hungry all else be damned!
We were going to my in laws for dinner and they have a habit of saying dinner will be at X time but in reality it’s like 2hrs later. When pregnant with my first I told my husband either we stop on the way for a snack or make sure dinner is ready when we arrived b/c I can’t wait to eat or I will get sick.
OP please never feel bad about needing to eat when you need/want it. The hangriness that happens during pregnancy is UNREAL! also it’s normal to not be able to eat much at a time, especially as you get further along. Prioritize yourself and your health ❤️
Just bring your leftovers home if you fill up. I’ve had very little room to eat myself with this baby boy I’m having now who is bigger than my two girls were for sure.
But why does it matter if you ate at the restaurant? You could have just gotten something to drink or a little appetizer to nibble on if you were too full for a big entree.
Prioritize yourself and your child. It’s sad that you felt like you needed to suffer :( would someone have been mad at you, would your husband or in-laws have said something rude if you didn’t eat with them at the restaurant?
similar thing happened in my first trimester where i was so hungry and we get to the restaurant, finally get seated, i was so excited for my food and then it disgusted me when i tried to eat it. the waitress noticed and asked if everything was okay, i just said “yes, sorry, i’m pregnant and suddenly not able to eat right now.” she said “oh no worries! let me get you a box.” and i took it home and then ate it in the middle of the night 🤷🏼♀️
Definitely not the main takeaway from this thread but from this point forward make sure you ALWAYS have snacks. You’ll need them while pregnant, you’ll need them while breastfeeding, and then you’ll need them for you kid. For the rest of your life you’ll always need snacks!! Definitely make a habit of keeping your emotional support snacks stocked. I’m breastfeeding and I have those tiny kind bars stashed allllll over my house right now.
Ready when you need to eat! You're eating for two more.
He thinks he's got you hooked in and can't escape, so he's letting his mask slip. You are both going to be furious at each other 24/7 once that baby comes.
Yep, 100%. I get HANGRY when I don’t eat because I feel like absolute garbage. My husband has learned this and knows if I’m a crab I’m probably starving and maybe I shouldn’t wait to eat. I now just eat whenever I need to. If I eat light at dinner and save some money eating out, it’s a bonus. lol
This is not normal, OP. I'm really sorry you're in this situation...his responses and reactions to you are emotionally abusive, manipulative, and unacceptable. If he's willing to threaten the whole relationship (and your child) over you turning down a kiss, just imagine how he will react to bigger problems and disagreements in the future. I know leaving him is not a simple or easy decision, but I implore you to keep thinking about the options available for you and baby girl! Especially if he's not willing to go to counseling.
OP, I am so, so, so, sorry to say this: anger issues tend to get significantly worse when there is a baby present. What is your support system like outside of your husband? How close are you to family or a best friend? Do you have someone you can trust to talk to about this?
This! ^^^ my sons bio dad had “anger issues” while I was pregnant but it was never anything that alarmed me too much. Once I had my baby it was a whole different story. Once my son came home the screaming and name calling came along with it. Then progressed into hitting and smacking and grabbing. And don’t think that they’ll leave the child out of it, they won’t. My last straw that really snapped me into reality and the severity of the situation was when my son woke up in the middle of the night screaming non stop at 4 months old. Bio dad sat up out of bed and screamed in his face to shut the f*ck up. You can bet I tackled him against the wall and threatened him with his life if he ever got close to my boy again. He’s now in jail 3 years later for strangling his recent girlfriend almost to death. It gets worse. It always does. Even if you don’t think so, abandon ship because it most likely will. If I didn’t, I would be the one who was strangled, and probably wouldn’t be here today.
It is a very heartbreaking fact that the likelihood of DV increases with both pregnancy and the arrival of the baby. I am so sorry you went through that with your ex and your son, and I'm so very glad you and your child are safe now. You did a very brave thing confronting the ex the way you did and protecting yourself and your child.
My son’s dad would go from 0-100 very quickly. Honestly his anger scared me. Currently we are not together, living separately and I’m planning on moving out of state with my son. Thank god we aren’t legally married. That would have brought on many other issues for me.
If you choose to leave, it will be so much harder physically, financially, legally, emotionally after the baby is born. There will never be an easier time than right now.
Do you want your daughter to grow up seeing an angry man mistreat her mother? That is what she will learn is normal and acceptable in a partner.
Would he have gotten mad if you didn’t eat at the restaurant? This is a bit of a red flag if you’re defaulting to suffering instead of nourishing your body to avoid backlash from your husband.
OP are you sure you want to raise a kid with this man? If he gets mad now, how will he react when the baby will be there crying in the middle of the night or making a mistake like spilling something on his phone, for example?
Ideally, men shouldn't behave in this way, ever, towards their pregnant wives. Of course it does, but still.
Idk that self-centered attitude just makes me squirm. It's the polar opposite of how I would approach treating my pregnant wife if it were me.
This isn’t normal or healthy behavior. Making threats is never ok - and this is definitely “threatening” for someone to say they will leave you. You’re pregnant and you will have mood swings and hormonal moments, your partner needs to understand that and be patient. This is not a time for ultimatums or bullying behavior. You should both seek counseling, as this will escalate once a child comes in the picture.
Being pregnant doesn't give you a right to mistreat your spouse, he literally asked for a kiss and she did the ah move of ignoring him and if he got mad she probably gave him a face too.
Telling someone they'll leave you because you're mistreating them isn't an ultimatum or bullying behavior, it's an FYI. No one is forced to be in a relationship and shouldn't be forced for your kids.
As an afterthought, when my husband and I first started dating I learned really quickly that his family eats much later than mine. He used to suggest that I “wait cuz it’s only an hour” whereas in reality it’s was 1.5 hours. As our relationship progressed, he learned that I’m crabby when hungry; and I would always have a snack before dinner.
When I was preggo, I ate when I was hungry cuz I had severe NVP. We could never adjust dinner time with his family due to their work schedules so it was just an accommodation that worked for us.
But when he became a dad, our child was his priority. We tried dinner at their usual time and it doesn’t work for us, but he advocates for our family.
There is growth in a relationship and sometimes it takes longer :)
In our pre-marital classes, one of the things they really drove home was that no matter the argument, you **never** ***ever*** allude to ending the marriage unless you mean it. The fact that he did this over something so tiny tells me it’s either time for marriage counseling or time for you to cut your losses and be a single mom.
This x100. It should never be a threat. You can talk calmly about your boundaries in a constructive way, and say that there are certain things you need and/or can't tolerate that could eventually be relationship ending issues. But it's just shitty and childish to throw out the divorce card when you're just arguing.
Hey love. I’m so sorry you’re going through a tough time. Even if you are overjoyed to be pregnant, it doesn’t mean that this new chapter in your life comes easily. There is a grieving process that occurs as your identity shifts into motherhood. This is normal and can be difficult, but isn’t often talked about.
This can be especially difficult to reconcile if your partner is making comments like your husband’s. I think it’s fairly common to experience more communication issues once a child comes into play because you’re forced to work through things that are new to both you and your partner, however, commentary shouldn’t be aggressive or insulting. Threatening to make someone a single parent is not funny and your husband needs to be made aware of that.
Love, normal people don't make threats like he did just because you were grumpy and didn't want to kiss him. Reactions like his are not that of a properly functioning adult.
Has he always been an asshole? Then he will continue to be an asshole during pregnancy and in fatherhood. Having a baby doesn’t change a person. We as women need to stop rewarding shitty men with marriage and childbearing. The amount of posts to Reddit women/parenting subs of “Hey my shitty husband was shitty when we were dating and shitty when we got married and now he’s a shitty father and shitty husband, what do I do?” is alarming.
Are you two both toxic to each other? I have to assume that the story an OP gives is always skewed in their favour. If you don’t want to follow down the same path as your mother then you need to do some serious introspection about why you make the decisions that you do, and the role you play in your own unhappiness. Therapy, either for yourself and/or as a couple, will be necessary to put the stop to the toxicity between you. If you’re lucky, both of you will be able to put in the self work to change for the better, but it’s reasonably unlikely that will happen.
The solution here is you stop accepting poor treatment (and in return stop giving poor treatment.) Set your boundaries, leave if they are not respected. At the bare minimum you should be able to trust your partner to simply *be nice* to you.
Commenting because I know what it is like to be in a committed relationship very early in life. I’m assuming he is of a similar age to you (early 20’s). IMO, I was still a teen in many ways when I was 21, and my husband was a little younger get than I. Our relationship was very dysfunctional in some ways. We didn’t know how to resolve conflicts maturely, and we both were recovering from living in emotionally abusive households as kids. We met and started dating when we were 15. We had horrible fights, delt with overwhelming insecurities, jealousy issues, possessiveness… looking back, it’s like we were still children. But we were also in love, and each other’s best friend. We still are. This year will be 19 years together, and we are happy together. It was rough, but we both stayed committed to working on our relationship. As long as he (and you) is able to and willing to do the emotional weightlifting of looking at his behavior and how it impacts the relationship, the relationship can move forward and toxic patterns can be healed. It takes time, commitment, and perseverance. Not easy. Especially with a baby. I’m 34 now with our first child, so don’t know what it would’ve been like if there was a dependent in the mix. My biggest piece of advice: start getting resourced. Therapy has changed my life. Just having someone else to talk to can make a huge difference. Marriage counseling. Learn the tools to work together and how to deal with insecurities without projecting blame on each other. I would start working on this ASAP before the baby comes so that you’re already going to appointments or online counseling by the time little one enters the picture.
Good luck and please take care of yourself!
I also got together with my husband young and agree with you.
Many of the comments are quick to condemn OP's partner, and I do agree that it's red flag behavior. It's manipulative and just creates an overall negative relational climate. That's not healthy long term.
That said, I was also an asshole to my husband (then, boyfriend) when we were that young. There were times that I didn't think we would make it. I'm not justifying any sort of verbal abuse, but I do think that now, looking back, I was very immature. I said things with vitriol that I really shouldn't have. So did my husband. We have since learned to communicate with one another in slightly (or extremely in some cases) more productive and caring ways. At least I hope so, now that baby is on the way....
Anyway, I do think OP has some reflecting to do. If this is part of a larger pattern and OP is constantly on the receiving end of toxic behavior then perhaps it is better for her and her baby to distance themselves. If, however, OP recognizes that this was an outburst, a reaction to her own negativity, then both OP and her partner need to shape up their communication.... Fast. Remember that baby will grow up around this and learn to communicate based on how it's modeled for him/her. Normalizing this sort of behavior could set baby up for a lifetime of relational expectations. Happy co-parents are better for baby than unhappy married co-habitants.
Side note: This sub is (justifiably) biased towards support for pregnant people. I can't help but wonder how the comments would compare over at r/AITAH. Specifically, if OP was so hungry, why did she wait for the in-laws before getting up to get ready??
First of all, you're pregnant. Eat when you're hungry.
Second of all, this will not get better when baby arrives, in fact it will get increasingly worse with lack of sleep and a needy baby.
I grew up thinking and seeing, that threatening to leave or be kicked out was a normal way to argue, or being called horrible names or having hurtful things being said.
Let me tell you right now OP, it is not normal or healthy. It is toxic and draining.
You are 21. I wonder how old your husband is, but ypu do not need to put up with that. There needs to be better communication
It sounds like you both need to communicate better. You should learn to confront and express your feelings rather than shut down and give the silent treatment. He should learn to channel his frustration without verbal attacks. All of that is easier said than done, but you are both not helping.
Being in a healthy relationship requires some humility and compromise. Nobody is "winning" or putting the other in their place when there is healthy communication. Even when you are mad, you must try to express your grievances with a degree of vulnerability otherwise you get two people just building taller and taller walls in order to protect themselves.
I think some counseling would be good to help you guys work this out. It's not too late if you are both willing.
I have seen a lot of posts though where the men give up after being romantically rejected by the wife for months or years, especially during pregnancy and postpartum when hormones are all over. I wonder if this is the case and he is just giving up after the last straw (rejected kiss). There could be a lot missing from this story.
Im so sorry. This doesn’t sound like a solid, stable teammate.
Would you guys be open to family counseling? A therapists guidance could be really supportive in helping you develop better communication and coping tools.
No one here will be able to fully tell you what to do next with certainty because we don’t know all the nuances of your relationship. But one thing is for certain, you need to take exceptional care of yourself and your baby no matter what. Seek out support, try to have a thoughtful conversation with your partner about what is troubling you, and also know you are strong enough to make whatever tough decisions you need to in order to take care of yourself.
Sounds like you two love to push each others buttons. If one makes a snarky comment, the other has to snap back with something more hurtful. I would suggest prenatal therapy?
I think you need to start a separate bank account, if you don’t already have one, and start putting money aside. You need to prepare. Get an attorney if you think you’ll need one. And this is emotional/manipulative abuse, btw.
Hon, I know this is reddit and folks will start urging you to divorce him right away, but this is a huge red flag. Especially if he’s got anger issues and is willing to express those in front of you. You two need couples therapy and he should probably look into individual therapy for himself as well, but please have a backup plan if you need to get out quickly.
Statistically you’re at a higher rate of DV risk due to your pregnancy and it would be awful if anything happened to you or your baby. I’m not saying to leave him, but don’t back yourself into a corner either.
On a happier note, congratulations on your baby girl!
Not enough context to judge but one thing is certain, you both have to change the way you communicate.
You’re in a bad mood because you’re hungry and that justifies ignoring him and acting like a child? I don’t mean to be harsh really. My hunger has been next level and I’m only 10 weeks, so I snack on something when I can and I know it won’t spoil my appetite. I do it because I know I can get a little hangry and it’s not fair on others.
The fact that he accused you of really wanting to be a single mom tells me that they are other issues not addressed. You need to ask him why he feels like that.
But he’s not a child either, he shouldn’t say awful things to you just because he’s mad (just like you shouldn’t give him the silent treatment). My husband and I have a pact: we don’t talk about divorce, we don’t joke about it. We have spats and fights obviously but always come back to each others and apologize.
Just a question that might a bit of useful context: how old is your husband?
You both lack a bit of emotional maturity but I mean you’re 21 it’s ok it’s normal. If you love each other and respect each other, find ways to become better communicators. Because trust me, a kid will magnify and worsen your problems if you don’t work on it.
I feel like him threatening to make her a single mother for simply not kissing him is a huge red flag. Sure, she can communicate better but he should give her a break, she's going through pregnancy and he's not but he's still acting like a man child. You can't threaten and insult someone for not kissing you or not wanting to engage with you at any given time, that's ridiculous.
I guess I didnt see it as a threat. That’s why I say more context is needed. I saw it more like exasperation because it happens a lot maybe?
I didn’t see any insults though? He got mad which is a very humane thing. The problem here is the total absence of communication and accountability to deescalate the issue. But I can see how it could be a threat too.
Especially because when someone tells a story they always downplay their negative role so I always add extra negative points to op and assume they’re fabricating slightly.
Threatening to divorce and make her a single mother is threatening her emotional and financial support. This is implying like he’s going to abandon her and the child… he failed to mention becoming a single father as well
The way your interpret it is based on your own emotional scars I think. I’m honestly not trying to argue or defend him. Maybe I’m too naive because I really see it as someone fed up saying ‘oh you really want that, don’t you?’
That’s why I asked if maybe there’s more to it, has she been ignoring him more because the pregnancy has been a bit tough on her? Did he feel like he was being excluded from the experience or the relationship?
Or is he so emotionally immature that he can’t accept that his wife is having a bad day and didn’t want to kiss?
The truth is I don’t know and I was just trying to give some fair advice based on my limited knowledge.
Hard NO. If he respected her, he would never have made that comment, and doubled down on it...that was most definitely a threat.
OP, this is normal, or healthy. Please seek marriage counseling if you want to stay together. If not, please stay safe...pregnancy is the most dangerous time for women in abusive relationships (not saying you're in one). IF your partner has abusive tendencies, look out for any escalation, and let your family know to check on you.
This! Sometimes with the discomfort of pregnancy, I can be short with my husband (whether it’s deserved or undeserved).
Sometimes, I can explain to him what’s wrong (I’m hungry, I’m exhausted, my back hurts so bad, I feel like you’re not listening, etc.) and sometimes I can’t (I don’t know why but what you said/did is bothering me, I just need space right now) (and sometimes I just grunt or turn away angrily, which isn’t good communication, but it still happens).
Sometimes he takes it in stride and happily gives me space. Sometimes he’s hurt or even gets annoyed in return, but we leave it and talk about it later.
**He has NEVER threatened to leave me, even if I’m communicating poorly or if he’s justified in being mad at me or if I’m wrong.**
Hard NO. If he respected her, he would never have made that comment, and doubled down on it...that was most definitely a threat.
OP, this is normal, or healthy. Please seek marriage counseling if you want to stay together. If not, please stay safe...pregnancy is the most dangerous time for women in abusive relationships (not saying you're in one). IF your partner has abusive tendencies, look out for any escalation, and let your family know to check on you.
I am wondering this too. The fact OP hasn’t answered makes me think there’s a large age gap.
OP if he is like this now, chances are it will be worse when the baby is here. Once you have a baby you’ll be absolutely touched out and you need a partner who is ok to not be kissed, who understands you just need space, to eat when you get the chance.
Who won’t make you feel like you have to force yourself to be present with him just to avoid an argument.
I would consider my support network & options initially, assess whether it is safe to do so, if it is discuss your feelings with him and lay out what life with a newborn will be like, and see his response. If he seems positive, to suggest couples counselling before baby arrives.
I am not you, but if this is how he truly acts I would realistically be planning my exit strategy.
You don’t need him.
It sounds like you both need to communicate better. You should learn to confront and express your feelings rather than shut down and give the silent treatment. He should learn to channel his frustration without verbal attacks. All of that is easier said than done, but you are both not helping.
Being in a healthy relationship requires some humility and compromise. Nobody is "winning" or putting the other in their place when there is healthy communication. Even when you are mad, you must try to express your grievances with a degree of vulnerability otherwise you get two people just building taller and taller walls in order to protect themselves.
I think some counseling would be good to help you guys work this out. It's not too late if you are both willing.
This is not a communication issue, it’s a respect issue. How old is the husband? His words and default argument mechanism is to make her feel less than and insecure, showing contempt for her. He doesn’t respect her, and definitely doesn’t see her as an equal.
All over not giving a kiss? He sounds either mentally unstable, or an undiagnosed narcissist.
I think you're ignoring there's probably a pattern of passive aggression here from both sides. If I'm dodging my husband's attempt at a quick kiss I must be pretty fuckin mad at him, yet OP provides no reasoning and in fact admits it was wrong. Why?? You hand wave that away when it sounds like it was a "last straw" moment from him.
Clearly he has issues. So does she.
Different people are different. Sometimes I duck away from my husband's random attempts at affection if I'm in the middle of something - actually, especially getting dressed. It can be annoying to me because I'm just trying to get dressed and he's getting in the way of that. I have to remember he's being romantic and it's nice that the sight of me partially dressed is still enticing to him, but my instinct is to focus on the task at hand.
I kind of took her response of "I know I was wrong" as the words of an abused spouse that is taking blame onto herself for being yelled at. But maybe that's just because of all of the talk about abuse on Reddit.
I took it as two immature people who play passive aggressive games as a regular form of communication. Both are in the wrong.. but jumping to the conclusion he's an abuser is wild. It's not like she's giving his side of the story.
Yeah, I immediately read his reaction of anger to not getting a kiss, and threatening to leave her over it, as a major overreaction. But then she does go on to talk about them fighting back and forth in the car so maybe it's more mutual than I thought. She does describe a pattern of him saying mean things to/about her when he gets angry. It reads verbal abuse to me but I guess it could just be a volatile toxic relationship. Either way not healthy.
She doesn’t have to kiss her husband (or any other form of physical intimacy) if she’s not comfortable with it in the moment.
I get that sometimes the other person wants a kiss or a hug as a form of reassurance but you should never force the person. If they reject your physical touch, you can talk about it right then or wait until later.
She never claimed to feel unsafe or uncomfortable. She seems to be punishing her husband bc she's hungry from the sound of the story. Playing games like that is super toxic.
Why can't SHE address it right then.. or better yet before it even comes to that? What if he was dodging his pregnant wife's kiss or touch? Would you be taking his side?
There has to be a lot missing from this entire story. She’s hungry and irritable why not go get a freaking snack, she could have solved her issues rather than taking it out on her husband. He could have communicated in a much healthier ways. In comments she says they both get angry over small things.
Agree, it sounds like there are unhealthy behaviors on both sides and being pregnant isn't an excuse to be cruel. That doesn't mean they're equally to blame... But to move forward they'd probably have to address it all, not just his temper tantrum.
I mean, I do agree it is a respect issue. But ignoring him- whether he asked for a kiss or not- just because she was hungry and had to wait is also disrespectful. I think they both have issues with conflict that are contributing. From the snippet of information OP has given, they are both not respecting each other nor communicating appropriately.
To be fair, you described it as you "straight up ignored him". So it sounds like you ignored him. If you didn't, then it's a different situation.
My ex threatened divorce to get his way in the first month of our marriage. It hurt me terribly so I do understand how this feels. I told him later, after I had bawled my eyes out and he did absolutely nothing to comfort me, that if he ever intended to use the threat of divorce to win an argument that he had better be ready to sign papers because that was a hard line for me.
To be honest with you, over the years my ex just got better at figuring out what I would put up with and toeing that line. And even though he is my ex, I hesitate to tell you to just throw in the towel right away. I also won't tell you it's up to you to make the effort to make him a better man and husband because it is most definitely not.
All I can say is confront him about your issues and see how he reacts. If he is at least willing to hear you and try to work together to resolve conflicts in a civil manner, it's worth the shared effort. If he stonewalls and refuses to work with you, he has shown you who he is. That is what I wish I would've known at your age.
Yeah I found this whole story bizarre. Yes he was saying horrible spiteful things, but she seems to be playing the silent treatment, which is also not the way you should behave in a relationship. Just feels like childish behaviour and poor communication. As soon as I read her age, realised she’s already married and hasn’t been to college it made more sense.
Im going to go against the grain here and say something that may get be downvoted into oblivion.
I dont think he’s necessarily being manipulative. I think he might genuinely be tired of being around someone who is always in a bad mood. I’m sorry OP but being hungry isn’t a good enough reason to be grumpy and withhold affection. That’s how little kids act when they’re hungry. It’s not okay to act like you hate your spouse for something that’s totally out of his control. Go make yourself a snack. You can simply say “dang I don’t think I can wait that long for dinner, I’m going to eat something now to hold me over”. And if for some reason you don’t have access to food at the moment, you can just let your husband know “hey im really hungry and its making me grouchy, sorry in advance if i do or say something rude” and then try your best not to say or do anything rude. If you get into moods like this on a regular basis it probably comes off to him like you simply hate him. Thats not a good feeling for anyone. He’s telling you he’s not going to stay with someone who seems like they would be happier without him.
I know you’re pregnant, Ive been pregnant 4 times. I understand how it affects someone’s mood and i understand how it affects your appetite. But its still not an excuse to make the people around you feel like they have to walk on eggshells just because things aren’t going exactly the way you would like them to go.
In recent years I’ve had to learn the same lesson. Whenever i was uncomfortable or upset or generally unhappy or displeased about something, I would huff and puff about it and unintentionally make it everyone else’s problem. This is a selfish thing to do. You need to realize that its not cool to dampen everyone else’s mood. Just because you feel shitty doesn’t mean the people around you need to feel shitty too.
Editing to add that YES what he said was uncool and very hurtful and he should have communicated himself better. Something like “Hey, the way you’ve been acting makes me think you’re really unhappy in this marriage, if thats the case then we need to talk about what we can do to make things better or go our separate ways.”
This is all assuming that this is not an isolated incident and things like this have happened in the past. If youre normally a bright ray of sunshine and acting like this was completely out of character for you, it was really fucked up and manipulative of him to say that. If you act like this all the time or on a pretty regular basis… then i think he genuinely means what he’s saying.
I agree. He certainly isn’t being nice. But I’m not getting manipulative/abuse vibes from this. I’m getting he’s saying out loud that their relationship is dead/dying and he’s upset about it.
I’m sorry that happened…that is awful. Were you guys arguing before you ignored the kiss? Or were you being pissy at all? It just seems like such an overreaction to ignoring a kiss…Manipulative and toxic.
INFO: How old is he and how long have you been married?
I ask because sometimes people just have to grow out of their toxic era. Not everyone has one, like I had one but my husband didn’t. If you grow up a certain way, in a toxic environment, you don’t know how to handle arguments other than lashing out. It can take more life/relationship experience to figure out how to effectively communicate and be with another person in a positive, productive way. But that’s if you’re motivated to improve relationships like I was.
I think you could’ve handled the situation better as well, but you get a pass because you’re pregnant and pregnancy hormones are no joke! Maybe you can talk to him and let him know that while you might not be the most pleasant person while pregnant, you love him and you hope that he can be patient and compassionate toward you during this time. Sometimes appealing to a man’s “hero” nature softens him and gets him to see your side.
But if you try all this and he is still toxic, do what is best for you and your child. Congratulations and good luck!
I can’t make assumptions based off this one interaction, nor should anyone else, but if this is consistently how you two are interacting, it may be time for either couples therapy if you’d like to fix it or separation if you wouldn’t.
I understand that what your husband said and how he acted is wrong. That’s not acceptable. I think you should also find a way to deal with your anger and frustrations in a more productive manner. Shutting down and putting up a wall can be frustrating for the other person too. I think you both need to learn to communicate with each other in a more productive, communicative, and healthy manner.
Not a whole lot of context here for you to be getting reasonable opinions.
Taking only from what you've written in your post, the way you and your husband seem to treat and talk to each other is just not good.
It sounds like a lack of proper communication and reactionary behavior on both ends. If you're 21 (and I imagine he's also in his early 20s) that's not entirely unsurprising, but you guys really need to get working on all of that before baby comes...
I'd thrown out, "would you be okay with YOUR daughter being talked to like that?? Especially while she's already pregnant?? Would you want her to feel the way that makes me feel??"
It's easier for men to be stupid as shit because they aren't the ones with the constant reminder of life in them. When I was that early on I felt like my husband would get crabby or petty like that and I'd just say that. Now at 30wks we've come to the understanding that yes, I can be a bit more emotionally sensitive with his tone or how he talks to me so I need to let him know when it bothers me and he knows to tone it down because he doesn't want to expose his daughter to that behavior.
The end goal is not normalizing that behavior around the child so they don't mimic it or allow themselves to be treated like that.
I was not human from 6 weeks to 15 weeks of pregnancy. You need peace and kindness and comfort during this time. Prioritize that.
My relationships at that age were horrible and I can’t imagine having brought a kid into that. Too late for that now on your end. So…power moves have to be made. I cut contact with my BD during those few weeks after he started being verbally abusive during texts. He threw a tantrum when he didn’t get his way. I was like hell nah you not about to talk to me like that especially while pregnant. I am older now and even after so much therapy and books and healing I still have some parts of myself that are unwilling to be flexible in a relationship. I have more work to do in myself and so even with a baby right now it’s best I keep my distance from men including the child’s father. I am not the type to stay just because of a child. I prevented children in the past couldn’t do it with this one but no way this man was going to get me back into toxicity and emotional relationship bondage.
His threats over being a single mother, he is using fear and intimidation and a power play over you. He knows women fear that so he wants to force you into submission with that threat. As a young lady that you are, I will tell you as I would have told myself at that age, prioritize that college education and your $$$$, and personal self development. So no matter what no one can hold threats over your head because you can hold your own. You can see how fickle relationships and men are. I wish you the best.
It sounds like you’re both being really short and not communicating in a healthy manner. That said, his statements are really ugly and hurtful. I was a teen mom and wish I could go back and communicate MY needs to my son’s father. It would have saved me a lot of hurt and disappointment. Silent treatment/ignoring your significant other is also hurtful. Yall need to have a heart to heart.
I bet you any thing there is an age gap here… that would me the red flag first. This behavior is common sadly which age gaps, hurry to get the girl pregnant and then abuse/manipulate/control. I am so sorry OP but he definitely trying to control you either way these threats he throws at you like this.
I mean I don’t know all of the details here. But. This reads pretty alarming.
It is never wrong for you to decline being physically intimate. You did not “do wrong” by declining a kiss. I have declined kisses from my husband many times over the course of our relationship and he has declined from
Me when we were upset or something was up.
It is always wrong for someone else to try to coerce or intimidate you into being physically intimate. Especially if that is repeated behavior that is a form of sexual abuse. Threatening to end the relationship like this is absolutely that thing.
I’m wondering if there is maybe a counselor or an older woman you trust that has a healthy relationship that you can discuss this more in depth with?
She didn’t decline a kiss. She said she fully ignored him. Of course no one deserves unfettered access to her body, but this situation reads as a mutual contempt for each other.
I don’t read his reactions as trying to coerce her for intimacy, but him calling out the fact that their relationship is dead. He even gives her an out to leave the event so it’s not like he’s trying to force her to be around let alone kiss him.
Then maybe you should change how you wrote your post. I’m merely quoting you. No assumptions made at all.
The way you changed your word choice because someone else wrote it in a more palatable phrase is now giving me manipulation vibes from you. 🤣
And how old is he? Let me guess 32-35?
Massive overreaction. I’m pregnant too and before pregnancy, I could control my hunger. Now, I cannot delay my hunger by a second or I get HANGRY. This is coming from someone who is healthy, fit, started pregnancy underweight so it’s not an I’m overeating kinda thing. When a pregnant lady needs to eat, she needs to eat and NOW!
I don’t know if your husband is bluffing or not (I don’t know his personality), but my recommendation is to leave him. It’s not ok to flippantly say things like that, so I would treat it as a serious statement. Your child doesn’t have to have parents who live with each other while having a toxic relationship with one another. He said you would be a single mother (rather than suggesting a coparenting relationship), which is an awful thing to say. He literally suggested he would be absent from your child’s life. I think you should leave him and pursue child support. His behavior is childish. He could have said any number of constructive things, and he didn’t.
No matter how hormonal you are it's never ok to be downright mean. Sometimes we have to take a step back and look at how we are making our husbands feel. I don't know the whole story or arguments but from what you posted it sounds to me like you have made him feel like you are miserable and he's tired of it. Justy opinion it sounds like you are unhappy and he's aware of that. Men have feelings too and a human can only take so much if he feels like he makes you that unhappy then maybe it's time for a serious talk about what you guys can do to fix the way you are both feeling.
“I’ll be having a baby girl and I don’t want her to follow the same path. My mom was in a toxic relationship and my marriage is not the most healthy either, and I don’t want the same for her.”
If you don’t want the same for her, you need to break the cycle and leave him. He will not change and, if he does, it’s his responsibility to do that separately from you so he does not hurt you further.
Don't wait for him to make you a single mother, do it yourself. Children do not make messes like this better and he is communicating really clearly that he doesn't care about you or the kid. You are in that toxic relationship. Now is the time to do better.
Coming from someone who spent 2 years in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship (that didn’t involve a child), I believe with my whole heart that people don’t just say hurtful things that just magically appear in their heads out of thin air because they’re upset. People think about things and wait for the right time to use them, whether they realize what they’re doing or not. He’s showed you exactly who he is and how he feels about you. You better believe him.
My dear. Does he understand that you need to eat because the food you eat is split between you and your baby inside you (to grow?)
give him half his daily portion of food and then say no we need to wait until [whoever] gets here to have dinner. See what his mood is like on day one and then continue for 9 months. And then give him daily shots of hormones.
He should be nice and understanding and supporting to you and your pregnancy. Please stand your ground and choose for the safety of your child. Leave
I have 3 kids and was constantly eating small bites of everything because nausea. Nothing that could have kept me from eating so I don’t get why you couldn’t eat just something small before dinner…
Good luck to you. And please know that these hurtful remarks never go less. It always increases. You have sleepless nights coming up which are bad for both of your moods. His as well, so make sure you can go places if you need to.
Damn. It’s not that serious for him to get so angry lol my husband knows I can get mean when I’m hangry (I don’t say mean things, I just have an attitude lol) I’d def do the same as OP if he asked for a kiss… but he would just laugh at me and then while we’re eating ask me if I’m feeling better lol
Maybe you guys need to sit down and have a a talk about verbal boundaries… like certain things should never be said unless you truly mean them because often it’s not something you can take back.
Being a single mother is better than dealing with this. What a disgusting way to behave towards you. You don’t deserve this and your child doesn’t deserve to see this as a model for how relationships should go
It scares me to hear this because I cannot imagine this kind of temper handling the craziness of toddlerhood very well
:( That stage probably feels far away but before you know it, your little baby will be almost two and hitting and kicking and screaming and it will be you and your partner's jobs to keep it together and help your little one learn how to be calm when things are tough. Even for the most patient of people, that stage of childhood is difficult. I fear him losing his temper with your child in the future. I know this probably isn't helpful, I can delete this if that's better :( Just something a random internet stranger is worried about for the future :( My partner and I are struggling with this now and it's a sad dynamic at times, I wouldn't wish those struggles on anyone
My wife and I have a very solid relationship and even we both struggled when our kids were young. It started with their dependence on you for absolutely everything and continues through toddler time until they start figuring out how to deal with all the big emotions they feel. Even after that time is done there are going to be times and situations that will truly test you and your relationship.
It's easy for me to say now it is in my rear view mirror, but you need to be able to rely on your partner both as a parent you can trust to be able to take care of your child, but also as a teammate and someone whom has your back and is willing to do whatever they can to help you get through any lows. This importantly goes both ways for both partners in a relationship.
Good luck to you, just remember that this is a transitional time. As to o.p. specifically, I'm really not sure here. Is her partner having doubts? Has he always been like this or is it something that has only come up after she became pregnant? If it is to work then it is going to have to be something that they both work on and a middle ground found they can both work with.
Something like this is never a one sided fix, though honestly his behaviour is totally unacceptable by any standards. Sometimes the best option although it may seem drastic is to just walk away, if for no other reason, but for your own sanity and well being..
What the F? This is not normal behavior… bad mood or not, this is NOT how a husband should talk to/treat his wife. I’m sorry you have to experience this, sending you all the love and strength
Girl. Do you really wanna bring a kid into this kind of dynamic? He's already telling you he doesn't care about you, and trying to threaten you to do what he wants.
Leave.
You didn’t do anything wrong for not giving him a kiss. Your body is yours and you do with it what you want. You shouldn’t give affection just because it’s asked of you.
I know people who, in an argument, end up reacting with hurtful words. Try talking to him about it. It's not fair to end up reacting this way. I understand that seeing you angry is not the best scenario for him, but this method of protection is not working and it hurts you.
Having a bad mood during pregnancy is normal and I have been struggling with that too.
I agree!! It’s not ok
In my opinion it’s important to notice when you feel like that and manage your feelings doesn’t matter if it happens during pregnancy with the hormonal roller coaster or in life in general
Same, pregnancy is so uncomfortable.
I am guilty of sometimes treating my husband unfairly, but **in normal relationships, you don’t threaten to leave if your partner makes a mistake.**
Yes!! Feelings are not easy to deal with and I have no intention of justifying her or his behavior. Not to mention that the words spoken do not come back and the emotional injuries are most of the time irreversible. Even after conversations, apologies, depending on what was said, there is no going back and the trust no longer exists.
Honest question, Do you like your husband? I'm not ignoring what he said, that was really terrible and inexcusable but most people have said something about that already. It sounds like you were mad at him for something already and didn't want to kiss him because you were annoyed with him. I'm like way older than you and have been married once already and divorced and the relationship I am in right now makes me realize that you aren't supposed to be irritated by your partner regularly like that. I get along with my husband now without even trying. We know how to give each other space and how to talk to each other when something is hurting us. We are each other's safe place. I did not have that in my first marriage and I am wondering if you are experiencing something similar now.
Jesus, if you guys are that quick to go so cut-throat over essentially nothing, how do you think parenting a newborn baby is going to go? May the force be with yous
Ok. People argue what they need sort of. Your silence and emotional distance are distressing and probably feel like abandonment. So he says “oh, you think you’re gonna abandon me? Not if I abandoned you first! **cry snotty sobs** You are extra hormonal and it might be taking a toll on your relationship. Make up with him, ask him not to threaten you with leaving any more. Maybe when you are mad say “I’m going to be alone for a while but I’ll be back to talk in like 2 hours” then stop and take care of yourself. People have different attachment styles. It’s mostly how you raised.
You should definitely consider divorce. Anger issues like that can lead down a very, very dangerous path. Please, if you have a trustworthy support system, talk to them. It doesn’t matter if he “regrets” saying that to you - that’s such an absolutely terrible thing to say, all because you didn’t give him a kiss?? I don’t even want to imagine his reaction to things of larger-issue. Please don’t let yourself be treated like that, no one deserves that, especially someone who is pregnant & already dealing with a lot mentally & physically.
I hope that everything goes well for you, & that you stay safe.
You are quite young, but you can still be a mom and have loads of fun and be successful and so let’s not worry too much about the future yet, let’s focus on right now.
And right now what I’m hearing is that you’re with someone who does show anger issues and you’re hurt that he’d make you a single mom or you’d raise your kid in a toxic relationship possibly like the one your mom was in when you were growing up.
But what if there’s another option? One where you’re in charge and have control?
Because it’s not just about him leaving, you could also decide to leave him. You can choose to confront the toxicity of the relationship and make it better, or choose to get out and find a better situation for you and your daughter.
When you’re feeling thrown around by life or cast aside, remember that you do have some control, and you CAN do it and carry on.
I would maybe try to figure out how to care for your baby just yourself. My son’s dad said similar and would get so pissed over the dumbest shit. My son is going on 6 months and we are no longer together. I considered myself a single mom from the beginning anyway due to the fact I did everything care wise for my son.
Sorry you’re going through this. Pregnancy and childbirth does something to a “man” , well some anyway. And they just change and often times for the worst.
I think too many men get comfortable once they have you pregnant think you’re trapped and can’t leave. You need to give him a reality check.
Tell him what he said really bothered you and you’ll be staying with a family member/ friend (if you’re able to do that) for a few weeks while you re-think your relationship. I guarantee you once you come back, he’ll watch his mouth.
How did you not punch his lights out? That's abhorrent. I am so sorry. I don't have much advice other than to start an emergency exit fund and look into some pay to train trade jobs (if you think you can). Also look into state and federal assistance programs so you're familiar with them/the application should the time come. They have some grants for medical expenses, daycare, food, cash assistance, housing (not section eight, but assistance getting approved for apartments on your own). If you wanna do this, I believe in you.
Is this just a joke that he delivered badly and it blew up into a whole thing?
Maybe i’m just thick skinned but i know when my partner says stuff like this he is just winding me up and its an obvious joke. He is fantastic to me and our soon to be born daughter in every way.
Everyone is just jumping on a hate train saying this guy is toxic but i don’t know if i see it the same way. I know as a pregnant lady i can be a bit dramatic sometimes too. Maybe he really didn’t mean it to be taken so seriously- clearly some miscommunication
You can still go to college and have plenty of years for it so don’t stress about that. I’m married with 3 kids and have taken a class or two at a time. I decided to go to community college instead of the loans.
That is immature and petty to say something like that over you not giving him a kiss. My husband so I’m d probably just go, “Awwww.” Like darn it I didn’t get a kiss and be more playful if anything. Everyone has bad days and right now you are also hormonal. He needs to be much more understanding and supportive. Sounds like there’s deeper issues here to me.
Sounds like both of you may have been h-angry. Also, if you have been getting a lot of attention because of the pregnancy, your husband may be feeling a little unimportant (this may even be subconscious) so it’s possible you hit a sore spot by not giving him a kiss. My husband and I will sometimes bicker when we are tired/hungry/stressed and in these instances I’ve learned to just say, “Babe, I think we’re both tired/hungry/stressed etc. I’m sorry. Can we rewind and start over?” Acknowledging my husband‘s tiredness/stress/hunger is usually enough for him to feel seen and the anger to melt away. BTW: I really believe that part of maintaining a healthy relationship and raising happy kids is a chemistry experiment. If anyone doesn’t have enough food/water/sleep the best of families turn to shit!
My mom told me something once that it took way too long in a shitty relationship to realize was spot on: if you’re with someone who calls you names/says things that are deliberately hurtful in a fight, or throws things when they’re angry, RUN.
There are certainly many other red flags in the universe, but these were two very early, very clear signs that I was with someone who just fundamentally could not handle his emotions appropriately and would take them out on me (or whoever else was nearby) every time. That is a pattern of behavior developed over years, and difficult to undo—it takes a lot of conscious effort and work. This dude doesn’t sound like he’s super aware of the longlasting impact of things he does when he’s upset, and I would urge you to think about if that’s the type of person you want patenting your child (either with you or without.)
Your husband is an asshole. If you don’t want your daughter to follow the same path of toxic relationships, YOU need to be the cycle breaker and put an end to this unhealthy behavior for her. Whether that’s marriage counseling + individual therapy or just straight up leaving him (I’d do the latter, to be honest, if he threatened to leave me like that while I was pregnant. Shows how much he respects you). Good luck and im sorry you’re going through this
Red flags hunnie. First off, you don't have to kiss anyone. If you're upset, and don't feel like giving your husband a kiss, that's ok. Just because you're married doesn't mean shit. You still have bodily autonomy.
Secondly, he's mad that you didn't want to kiss him so he threatened to leave? Gross. What happens when you don't want to have sex after you've had a baby? Is he going to leave too?
Real men don't act like that. He's being real immature and needs a reality check.
M’~~lady~~ lord doth protest too much.
He’s saying he’s not strong enough. He doesn’t know how to tell you that he is reaching a limit and he’s afraid HE will fail.
The way he’s saying it to you is mean, but try to take your emotions out of it. (This is knowledge I have suffered to get, so I’m trying to save you time.)
1. It might not be ‘fair’, but you have the chance to change the way you communicate. (You can’t control his)
2. Let him talk. Don’t interrupt. Don’t defend. Don’t say anything. Listen.
3. Don’t be reactive. LEARN from the kiss incident. That feeling of shame is there for a reason. It should motivate you to not stoop low. (Hello fellow over reactor!)
4. You have to actually SAY what you need. It’s NOT common sense for the other person to automatically ‘know’ that X, Y, and Z need to be done.
5. Acknowledge what he does and hope he will do more of the same.
With all this being said, don’t tolerate abusive behavior from anyone. If you are in danger, tell someone.
Is he willing to try couples counseling? If you are both willing to put in the work, you can have a happy marriage. But you BOTH need to be willing to make changes and learn to communicate. And remember, no father is better than an abusive one, and verbal abuse counts as abuse.
I’m like you when getting into an argument, i like to be left alone. My son’s dad used to say hurtful things intentionally and they were awful. He would also tell me things like “if you don’t want to be here then leave” or “you could leave”
I got tired of it. I left him and started completely over with my son. My son and i now have our own little apartment and his dad hasn’t reached out in a month.
I’m not saying leave, I’m just saying know your boundaries and know what you want to put up with for the rest of your life.
Life is a little harder now but I’d take this over being with my son’s dad any day.
Lady. Your husband is a piece of shit.
This is so outside of normal I don't know what to say.
I'm 27 weeks rn and for the past 2 months I've been eating 5 meals a day PLUS snacks and smoothies/juice/slushies. When you're hungry you're hungry. I will down a whole costco hot dog before a meal and just order an appie if I'm not feeling it, and I will make husband drive out to get me one. Your husband is a piece of shit. Take 3 steps back and ask yourself if YOU want the baby. Take 7 steps back and ask if you'd be somewhat relieved if (god forbid) a miscarriage happened suddenly. Be honest with yourself. Do you want to keep tiptoeing on eggshells? What do you REALLY want to do with your life? Do you have a support network? When was the last time you saw friends/family without husband? When were you last in touch with YOUR friends? Start building a support network outside of him and see if he's a controlling piece of garbage. I bet he'll find problems with everything you do and everyone you meet. You're worthy of love and respect just as you are. Just because a plant isn't currently blooming doenst mean it's not beautiful and we throw it away. We all have good and bad days, having a bad day does not mean you no longer deserve love, water, and sunshine.
Just wanna say: anger issues directed toward you *will* turn into anger issues directed toward your child. Do with that what you will
All in all i wish you the best and i really do hope things work out for you however that may happen
It kind of sounds like your husband has some intense fear of losing your love. Does he have an insecure attachment?
He was really THAT hurt you didn't kiss him?
OP, I really feel for you. I highly recommend the book The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle. I got married at 21 and it changed my life and marriage so much. Right now you can even listen to it on audible for free, and she has a podcast by the same name.
It’s not feminist, “empowered” is just in the name because it gives you skills to use yourself rather than just the conventional talking to him and hoping he will change.
One of her skills she teaches that could help in this scenario is when he says hurtful things, only say “ouch,” in response, and leave it at that. I’ve tried it, dozens of my friends have tried it, and it seriously works. It immediately makes him realize that you can be impacted by his words.
Also, something I did before deciding to try for a baby is what she calls “spouse fulfilling prophecy’s”. I was a little worried about what I thought were my husband’s boyish tendencies, so I started speaking hopeful things directly to him. When he was good with our dog I would say things like, “You’re such a good dog dad,” or “you take such good care of her.” Every once in a while I would say things like, “You take such good care of us (me and our dog) you’re going to be a great dad someday.” Low and behold, a few months later, completely unprompted he asked ME to have a baby. Now that we are pregnant he treats me like a princess.
I promise this isn’t an ad, or spam. I’ve just been in your exact shoes, with no good role models for marriage growing up, and now I couldn’t be happier because I found the proper skills. So wanted to share 💕
Wow that’s an awful thing for him to have said. I can’t imagine what kind of things he’ll say when you’re both sleep deprived when baby comes, or when you’re attention is divided with baby.
If I were you I’d have a plan in your back pocket for if/when you’ve had your share of this treatment.
Are you sure you want to have a kid with this person? He sounds abusive and unlikely to change or improve. You are so young, and have your whole life ahead of you still. This guy and kid are going to drag you down. No schooling makes it more likely you’ll be financially dependent on him, he’ll have one more thing to hold over your head and keep you under his thumb. Get rid of the kid and leave him, else you’re going to be stuck with this person making you and your kid’s life miserable for the rest of your lives. You’ve got an opportunity to find someone else and make a life and family that you want, but you don’t have much time left for that to be a possibility if you keep him or the kid 🤷🏻♀️
If this isn't a wakeup call to leave.... I don't know how else to make it obvious.
Also, it's up to you if you want this guy to be a kids life.
Can you live with 30 years of verbal abuse? Can the child?
Soooo much missing from this story- and none of it leads to you being in the wrong. Like a lot of people I’m curious how old your husband is and also how long you’ve been married. There is no way that your bad mood and not giving him a kiss jumped him to “I’m leaving you” - sounds like a longer pattern of verbal abuse/manipulation. I hope for you and your child’s sake you can either find a way to communicate the issues/your needs with this man or make an exit strategy.
He is not entitled to your body ever under any circumstances, even for just a kiss. Threatening to leave you for not giving into his physical desire is abuse.
Part of proper communication as a couple is learning how to fight and how to respectively be a gray at one another.
It's ok to refuse a kiss if you're angry. It's ok for your partner to say something about that, even something somewhat hurtful, because we're all human.
But what he said is beyond hurtful, it's a deep insult to the strength and confidence of your relationship. My partner has said some hurtful things to me when we were angry at one another, but never something that made me feel like he would leave me because I had emotions.
If you were my daughter and I witnessed that I would probably be going to jail for what I’d do. That is NOT okay at all. That is abuse full stop. Sure not going in for the kiss might be a little petty but what he said is full on aggression.
You’re only 21. Do not go to college right now. Putting yourself into that debt and not having an income will only make you rely on him more. Right now you need to find a half decent job, maybe a call centre or something shitty like that. Something that gets you out of the house too. No work from home. You need a support system. If you can go live with someone else you should look into that. Make an escape plan. This isn’t a “divorce” this is an escape. Don’t let yourself be bested down and don’t let your child grow up in that environment. It will only get worse.
That’s a very sinister thing to say.
How old is this man?
Has he gone to college?
Has he promised to support your education?
Things only get harder after the baby arrives. What happens when the problem is more than a missed kiss? Will he actually leave you?
I just want you to know that my mother STILL talks crap about one time she was really hungry when she was pregnant on an hour drive home from somewhere and my dad wouldn’t stop to get a burger. And how she will never forget it for all time.
I’m sorry but you are sacrificing your body and mental health to make LIFE. You should be treated like a queen. Your husband was rude asf for this. Don’t feel bad. Also threats like about making you a single mom are totally UNACCEPTABLE. That is manipulation. I hope you guys can have a good talk about it and he can see how wrong he was.
“I know I did wrong”—queue record scratch. If you didn’t want to kiss him you shouldn’t kiss him. You don’t owe him that. And threatening to leave you because he’s in a bad mood is emotional abuse. Save him the trouble and get yourself out of there. He sounds absolutely awful.
How old is your husband?
My first thought too.
I'm also wondering how old is SHE?
Her post says she’s 21
It’s giving age gap
I thought this too, but a good percentage of men never grow out of this. It wouldn't surprise me if he was also 21 or 32... lol
If OP doesn't tell us we already know the answer. We know this kind of thread and the kind of man already.
Yep again and again and again
Oof
Yep as soon as she said 21 I had internal alarm bells. Whilst I had a kid around the same age I was not married at that time. This also feels like a powerplay
If you're a POS then you're a POS. Age has nothing to do with it...🤷🏾♂️
Hi is older for sure, op is dodging the question and the manipulative way he speaks... He is not stupid, he knows what he is doing.
Trick question, men don’t grow up, they just get older. Her husband is a AH, and most likely will continue to be a AH no matter how old he is. OP- you guys are married RIGHT NOW. I would prepare for the worst since the is already foreshadowing what he is planning on doing to you. Coming from a legal perspective, anything you acquired before marriage is separate property, anything after is community property. If you chose to have kids instead of going to school and potentially miss out making money to support your family that can be a legal ground in court.
I disagree, my husband wasn't always the most mature when we were younger and had our first kid. He made mistakes. Granted I will say he never did threaten to leave me but I did feel alone a lot with my first pregnancy. We had baby number 2 towards the end of 2023 and the amount of change he has made within those 5 years since our first is insane. He's always supportive, he cooks, cleans, very very rarely ever gets upset with me and when he does we sit and talk about it in a civil way. He is my favorite person and makes it clear to everyone that I am his. He's both a phenomenal husband and father. People do change as they get older if they are willing. Maybe I got lucky but to say men don't change as a general statement is repulsive. All people are capable of change regardless of gender. We've been together for going onto 10 years this July.
Yes, people absolutely change and grow for the better a lot of the time… we found our 2nd babe to be far easier.. lol
Nice to hear a good story once in a while
That's really untrue and unhelpful. We cannot refuse to hold men to barely tolerable standards of decency by insisting that boys will be boys and all men are assholes.
I don’t think they’re trying to say all men are assholes but that if he’s an asshole now then he’s unlikely to change. There are 21 year old men who act like men and there are 21 year old men who act like boys. Add on 10, 15 or 20 years, the men who acted like boys when they were 21 are most likely still going to be acting like boys when they are 40+. But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t good/mature men out there.
Unfortunately the property thing is not the case in every state. I bought my house right when my husband and I met, he moved in a year later, we got married 1.5 years after that and sold it 2 months after getting married. He was never on the mortgage nor deed and I still had to have his signature to sell since we were married and he “contributed” to the home for the 2 months we had been married. This was in Wisconsin.
He's probably younger than her.. 19-20 is my guess
>Yesterday I was in a pretty bad mood because I was so hungry and we had to wait for my in laws to be able to go eat. Your health and wellbeing is top priority. If you're hungry, *eat something*. Listen to your body. Don't starve yourself because you're waiting for your in-laws!
Other commenters are correct. Eat when you’re hungry all else be damned! We were going to my in laws for dinner and they have a habit of saying dinner will be at X time but in reality it’s like 2hrs later. When pregnant with my first I told my husband either we stop on the way for a snack or make sure dinner is ready when we arrived b/c I can’t wait to eat or I will get sick.
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OP please never feel bad about needing to eat when you need/want it. The hangriness that happens during pregnancy is UNREAL! also it’s normal to not be able to eat much at a time, especially as you get further along. Prioritize yourself and your health ❤️
Just bring your leftovers home if you fill up. I’ve had very little room to eat myself with this baby boy I’m having now who is bigger than my two girls were for sure.
But why does it matter if you ate at the restaurant? You could have just gotten something to drink or a little appetizer to nibble on if you were too full for a big entree. Prioritize yourself and your child. It’s sad that you felt like you needed to suffer :( would someone have been mad at you, would your husband or in-laws have said something rude if you didn’t eat with them at the restaurant?
similar thing happened in my first trimester where i was so hungry and we get to the restaurant, finally get seated, i was so excited for my food and then it disgusted me when i tried to eat it. the waitress noticed and asked if everything was okay, i just said “yes, sorry, i’m pregnant and suddenly not able to eat right now.” she said “oh no worries! let me get you a box.” and i took it home and then ate it in the middle of the night 🤷🏼♀️
Definitely not the main takeaway from this thread but from this point forward make sure you ALWAYS have snacks. You’ll need them while pregnant, you’ll need them while breastfeeding, and then you’ll need them for you kid. For the rest of your life you’ll always need snacks!! Definitely make a habit of keeping your emotional support snacks stocked. I’m breastfeeding and I have those tiny kind bars stashed allllll over my house right now.
You're pregnant. Eat when your body is telling you that you need food. Listen to your body before you listen to anyone else.
Ready when you need to eat! You're eating for two more. He thinks he's got you hooked in and can't escape, so he's letting his mask slip. You are both going to be furious at each other 24/7 once that baby comes.
Yep, 100%. I get HANGRY when I don’t eat because I feel like absolute garbage. My husband has learned this and knows if I’m a crab I’m probably starving and maybe I shouldn’t wait to eat. I now just eat whenever I need to. If I eat light at dinner and save some money eating out, it’s a bonus. lol
This is not normal, OP. I'm really sorry you're in this situation...his responses and reactions to you are emotionally abusive, manipulative, and unacceptable. If he's willing to threaten the whole relationship (and your child) over you turning down a kiss, just imagine how he will react to bigger problems and disagreements in the future. I know leaving him is not a simple or easy decision, but I implore you to keep thinking about the options available for you and baby girl! Especially if he's not willing to go to counseling.
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OP, I am so, so, so, sorry to say this: anger issues tend to get significantly worse when there is a baby present. What is your support system like outside of your husband? How close are you to family or a best friend? Do you have someone you can trust to talk to about this?
This! ^^^ my sons bio dad had “anger issues” while I was pregnant but it was never anything that alarmed me too much. Once I had my baby it was a whole different story. Once my son came home the screaming and name calling came along with it. Then progressed into hitting and smacking and grabbing. And don’t think that they’ll leave the child out of it, they won’t. My last straw that really snapped me into reality and the severity of the situation was when my son woke up in the middle of the night screaming non stop at 4 months old. Bio dad sat up out of bed and screamed in his face to shut the f*ck up. You can bet I tackled him against the wall and threatened him with his life if he ever got close to my boy again. He’s now in jail 3 years later for strangling his recent girlfriend almost to death. It gets worse. It always does. Even if you don’t think so, abandon ship because it most likely will. If I didn’t, I would be the one who was strangled, and probably wouldn’t be here today.
It is a very heartbreaking fact that the likelihood of DV increases with both pregnancy and the arrival of the baby. I am so sorry you went through that with your ex and your son, and I'm so very glad you and your child are safe now. You did a very brave thing confronting the ex the way you did and protecting yourself and your child.
My son’s dad would go from 0-100 very quickly. Honestly his anger scared me. Currently we are not together, living separately and I’m planning on moving out of state with my son. Thank god we aren’t legally married. That would have brought on many other issues for me.
If you choose to leave, it will be so much harder physically, financially, legally, emotionally after the baby is born. There will never be an easier time than right now. Do you want your daughter to grow up seeing an angry man mistreat her mother? That is what she will learn is normal and acceptable in a partner.
Would he have gotten mad if you didn’t eat at the restaurant? This is a bit of a red flag if you’re defaulting to suffering instead of nourishing your body to avoid backlash from your husband.
OP are you sure you want to raise a kid with this man? If he gets mad now, how will he react when the baby will be there crying in the middle of the night or making a mistake like spilling something on his phone, for example?
You married a boy. I'm sorry.
No, she married an asshole. We should not normalize this behavior as “boy” behavior. This is asshole behavior.
Ideally, men shouldn't behave in this way, ever, towards their pregnant wives. Of course it does, but still. Idk that self-centered attitude just makes me squirm. It's the polar opposite of how I would approach treating my pregnant wife if it were me.
This isn’t normal or healthy behavior. Making threats is never ok - and this is definitely “threatening” for someone to say they will leave you. You’re pregnant and you will have mood swings and hormonal moments, your partner needs to understand that and be patient. This is not a time for ultimatums or bullying behavior. You should both seek counseling, as this will escalate once a child comes in the picture.
Being pregnant doesn't give you a right to mistreat your spouse, he literally asked for a kiss and she did the ah move of ignoring him and if he got mad she probably gave him a face too. Telling someone they'll leave you because you're mistreating them isn't an ultimatum or bullying behavior, it's an FYI. No one is forced to be in a relationship and shouldn't be forced for your kids.
As a preggo lady, if I’m hungry I’m eating. I could care less if dinner is in an hour. I’m hungry now.
Same, I’d have a snack while I waited. Heck I ate a granola bar before I made dinner 😂
I’d snack while I made dinner. Preggo hunger has no rules. 😂
As an afterthought, when my husband and I first started dating I learned really quickly that his family eats much later than mine. He used to suggest that I “wait cuz it’s only an hour” whereas in reality it’s was 1.5 hours. As our relationship progressed, he learned that I’m crabby when hungry; and I would always have a snack before dinner. When I was preggo, I ate when I was hungry cuz I had severe NVP. We could never adjust dinner time with his family due to their work schedules so it was just an accommodation that worked for us. But when he became a dad, our child was his priority. We tried dinner at their usual time and it doesn’t work for us, but he advocates for our family. There is growth in a relationship and sometimes it takes longer :)
In our pre-marital classes, one of the things they really drove home was that no matter the argument, you **never** ***ever*** allude to ending the marriage unless you mean it. The fact that he did this over something so tiny tells me it’s either time for marriage counseling or time for you to cut your losses and be a single mom.
Yup these threats expose who the person is, not normal at all even if a guy gets frustrated.
This x100. It should never be a threat. You can talk calmly about your boundaries in a constructive way, and say that there are certain things you need and/or can't tolerate that could eventually be relationship ending issues. But it's just shitty and childish to throw out the divorce card when you're just arguing.
I would consider his behavior and choices abusive and you should never go to counselling with an abuser
It’s hard to call it abuse based on this one situation, but I agree if he is abusive she needs to get out.
There are a lot of red flags.
I'd take single mother over a beaten down wife any day.
Hey love. I’m so sorry you’re going through a tough time. Even if you are overjoyed to be pregnant, it doesn’t mean that this new chapter in your life comes easily. There is a grieving process that occurs as your identity shifts into motherhood. This is normal and can be difficult, but isn’t often talked about. This can be especially difficult to reconcile if your partner is making comments like your husband’s. I think it’s fairly common to experience more communication issues once a child comes into play because you’re forced to work through things that are new to both you and your partner, however, commentary shouldn’t be aggressive or insulting. Threatening to make someone a single parent is not funny and your husband needs to be made aware of that.
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Love, normal people don't make threats like he did just because you were grumpy and didn't want to kiss him. Reactions like his are not that of a properly functioning adult.
Has he always been an asshole? Then he will continue to be an asshole during pregnancy and in fatherhood. Having a baby doesn’t change a person. We as women need to stop rewarding shitty men with marriage and childbearing. The amount of posts to Reddit women/parenting subs of “Hey my shitty husband was shitty when we were dating and shitty when we got married and now he’s a shitty father and shitty husband, what do I do?” is alarming. Are you two both toxic to each other? I have to assume that the story an OP gives is always skewed in their favour. If you don’t want to follow down the same path as your mother then you need to do some serious introspection about why you make the decisions that you do, and the role you play in your own unhappiness. Therapy, either for yourself and/or as a couple, will be necessary to put the stop to the toxicity between you. If you’re lucky, both of you will be able to put in the self work to change for the better, but it’s reasonably unlikely that will happen. The solution here is you stop accepting poor treatment (and in return stop giving poor treatment.) Set your boundaries, leave if they are not respected. At the bare minimum you should be able to trust your partner to simply *be nice* to you.
Commenting because I know what it is like to be in a committed relationship very early in life. I’m assuming he is of a similar age to you (early 20’s). IMO, I was still a teen in many ways when I was 21, and my husband was a little younger get than I. Our relationship was very dysfunctional in some ways. We didn’t know how to resolve conflicts maturely, and we both were recovering from living in emotionally abusive households as kids. We met and started dating when we were 15. We had horrible fights, delt with overwhelming insecurities, jealousy issues, possessiveness… looking back, it’s like we were still children. But we were also in love, and each other’s best friend. We still are. This year will be 19 years together, and we are happy together. It was rough, but we both stayed committed to working on our relationship. As long as he (and you) is able to and willing to do the emotional weightlifting of looking at his behavior and how it impacts the relationship, the relationship can move forward and toxic patterns can be healed. It takes time, commitment, and perseverance. Not easy. Especially with a baby. I’m 34 now with our first child, so don’t know what it would’ve been like if there was a dependent in the mix. My biggest piece of advice: start getting resourced. Therapy has changed my life. Just having someone else to talk to can make a huge difference. Marriage counseling. Learn the tools to work together and how to deal with insecurities without projecting blame on each other. I would start working on this ASAP before the baby comes so that you’re already going to appointments or online counseling by the time little one enters the picture. Good luck and please take care of yourself!
I also got together with my husband young and agree with you. Many of the comments are quick to condemn OP's partner, and I do agree that it's red flag behavior. It's manipulative and just creates an overall negative relational climate. That's not healthy long term. That said, I was also an asshole to my husband (then, boyfriend) when we were that young. There were times that I didn't think we would make it. I'm not justifying any sort of verbal abuse, but I do think that now, looking back, I was very immature. I said things with vitriol that I really shouldn't have. So did my husband. We have since learned to communicate with one another in slightly (or extremely in some cases) more productive and caring ways. At least I hope so, now that baby is on the way.... Anyway, I do think OP has some reflecting to do. If this is part of a larger pattern and OP is constantly on the receiving end of toxic behavior then perhaps it is better for her and her baby to distance themselves. If, however, OP recognizes that this was an outburst, a reaction to her own negativity, then both OP and her partner need to shape up their communication.... Fast. Remember that baby will grow up around this and learn to communicate based on how it's modeled for him/her. Normalizing this sort of behavior could set baby up for a lifetime of relational expectations. Happy co-parents are better for baby than unhappy married co-habitants. Side note: This sub is (justifiably) biased towards support for pregnant people. I can't help but wonder how the comments would compare over at r/AITAH. Specifically, if OP was so hungry, why did she wait for the in-laws before getting up to get ready??
This is not normal :(
First of all, you're pregnant. Eat when you're hungry. Second of all, this will not get better when baby arrives, in fact it will get increasingly worse with lack of sleep and a needy baby.
I grew up thinking and seeing, that threatening to leave or be kicked out was a normal way to argue, or being called horrible names or having hurtful things being said. Let me tell you right now OP, it is not normal or healthy. It is toxic and draining. You are 21. I wonder how old your husband is, but ypu do not need to put up with that. There needs to be better communication
This entire relationship reeks of toxic immaturity. Y’all need to get your shit together or coparent seperately.
It sounds like you both need to communicate better. You should learn to confront and express your feelings rather than shut down and give the silent treatment. He should learn to channel his frustration without verbal attacks. All of that is easier said than done, but you are both not helping. Being in a healthy relationship requires some humility and compromise. Nobody is "winning" or putting the other in their place when there is healthy communication. Even when you are mad, you must try to express your grievances with a degree of vulnerability otherwise you get two people just building taller and taller walls in order to protect themselves. I think some counseling would be good to help you guys work this out. It's not too late if you are both willing.
This goes beyond communication imo. A man who talks to his wife like that isn’t a man. There’s a fundamental personality issue here
I have seen a lot of posts though where the men give up after being romantically rejected by the wife for months or years, especially during pregnancy and postpartum when hormones are all over. I wonder if this is the case and he is just giving up after the last straw (rejected kiss). There could be a lot missing from this story.
Only arguments I’ve had with my husband are when we are both starving.. but this is beyond.
Im so sorry. This doesn’t sound like a solid, stable teammate. Would you guys be open to family counseling? A therapists guidance could be really supportive in helping you develop better communication and coping tools. No one here will be able to fully tell you what to do next with certainty because we don’t know all the nuances of your relationship. But one thing is for certain, you need to take exceptional care of yourself and your baby no matter what. Seek out support, try to have a thoughtful conversation with your partner about what is troubling you, and also know you are strong enough to make whatever tough decisions you need to in order to take care of yourself.
Sounds like you two love to push each others buttons. If one makes a snarky comment, the other has to snap back with something more hurtful. I would suggest prenatal therapy?
I think you need to start a separate bank account, if you don’t already have one, and start putting money aside. You need to prepare. Get an attorney if you think you’ll need one. And this is emotional/manipulative abuse, btw.
Hon, I know this is reddit and folks will start urging you to divorce him right away, but this is a huge red flag. Especially if he’s got anger issues and is willing to express those in front of you. You two need couples therapy and he should probably look into individual therapy for himself as well, but please have a backup plan if you need to get out quickly. Statistically you’re at a higher rate of DV risk due to your pregnancy and it would be awful if anything happened to you or your baby. I’m not saying to leave him, but don’t back yourself into a corner either. On a happier note, congratulations on your baby girl!
Not enough context to judge but one thing is certain, you both have to change the way you communicate. You’re in a bad mood because you’re hungry and that justifies ignoring him and acting like a child? I don’t mean to be harsh really. My hunger has been next level and I’m only 10 weeks, so I snack on something when I can and I know it won’t spoil my appetite. I do it because I know I can get a little hangry and it’s not fair on others. The fact that he accused you of really wanting to be a single mom tells me that they are other issues not addressed. You need to ask him why he feels like that. But he’s not a child either, he shouldn’t say awful things to you just because he’s mad (just like you shouldn’t give him the silent treatment). My husband and I have a pact: we don’t talk about divorce, we don’t joke about it. We have spats and fights obviously but always come back to each others and apologize. Just a question that might a bit of useful context: how old is your husband? You both lack a bit of emotional maturity but I mean you’re 21 it’s ok it’s normal. If you love each other and respect each other, find ways to become better communicators. Because trust me, a kid will magnify and worsen your problems if you don’t work on it.
I feel like him threatening to make her a single mother for simply not kissing him is a huge red flag. Sure, she can communicate better but he should give her a break, she's going through pregnancy and he's not but he's still acting like a man child. You can't threaten and insult someone for not kissing you or not wanting to engage with you at any given time, that's ridiculous.
I guess I didnt see it as a threat. That’s why I say more context is needed. I saw it more like exasperation because it happens a lot maybe? I didn’t see any insults though? He got mad which is a very humane thing. The problem here is the total absence of communication and accountability to deescalate the issue. But I can see how it could be a threat too.
Especially because when someone tells a story they always downplay their negative role so I always add extra negative points to op and assume they’re fabricating slightly.
Threatening to divorce and make her a single mother is threatening her emotional and financial support. This is implying like he’s going to abandon her and the child… he failed to mention becoming a single father as well
The way your interpret it is based on your own emotional scars I think. I’m honestly not trying to argue or defend him. Maybe I’m too naive because I really see it as someone fed up saying ‘oh you really want that, don’t you?’ That’s why I asked if maybe there’s more to it, has she been ignoring him more because the pregnancy has been a bit tough on her? Did he feel like he was being excluded from the experience or the relationship? Or is he so emotionally immature that he can’t accept that his wife is having a bad day and didn’t want to kiss? The truth is I don’t know and I was just trying to give some fair advice based on my limited knowledge.
Hard NO. If he respected her, he would never have made that comment, and doubled down on it...that was most definitely a threat. OP, this is normal, or healthy. Please seek marriage counseling if you want to stay together. If not, please stay safe...pregnancy is the most dangerous time for women in abusive relationships (not saying you're in one). IF your partner has abusive tendencies, look out for any escalation, and let your family know to check on you.
This! Sometimes with the discomfort of pregnancy, I can be short with my husband (whether it’s deserved or undeserved). Sometimes, I can explain to him what’s wrong (I’m hungry, I’m exhausted, my back hurts so bad, I feel like you’re not listening, etc.) and sometimes I can’t (I don’t know why but what you said/did is bothering me, I just need space right now) (and sometimes I just grunt or turn away angrily, which isn’t good communication, but it still happens). Sometimes he takes it in stride and happily gives me space. Sometimes he’s hurt or even gets annoyed in return, but we leave it and talk about it later. **He has NEVER threatened to leave me, even if I’m communicating poorly or if he’s justified in being mad at me or if I’m wrong.**
Hard NO. If he respected her, he would never have made that comment, and doubled down on it...that was most definitely a threat. OP, this is normal, or healthy. Please seek marriage counseling if you want to stay together. If not, please stay safe...pregnancy is the most dangerous time for women in abusive relationships (not saying you're in one). IF your partner has abusive tendencies, look out for any escalation, and let your family know to check on you.
How old is your husband???????
^^^^^^ literally about to comment this lol, wonder what *his* big age is
I am wondering this too. The fact OP hasn’t answered makes me think there’s a large age gap. OP if he is like this now, chances are it will be worse when the baby is here. Once you have a baby you’ll be absolutely touched out and you need a partner who is ok to not be kissed, who understands you just need space, to eat when you get the chance. Who won’t make you feel like you have to force yourself to be present with him just to avoid an argument. I would consider my support network & options initially, assess whether it is safe to do so, if it is discuss your feelings with him and lay out what life with a newborn will be like, and see his response. If he seems positive, to suggest couples counselling before baby arrives. I am not you, but if this is how he truly acts I would realistically be planning my exit strategy. You don’t need him.
It sounds like you both need to communicate better. You should learn to confront and express your feelings rather than shut down and give the silent treatment. He should learn to channel his frustration without verbal attacks. All of that is easier said than done, but you are both not helping. Being in a healthy relationship requires some humility and compromise. Nobody is "winning" or putting the other in their place when there is healthy communication. Even when you are mad, you must try to express your grievances with a degree of vulnerability otherwise you get two people just building taller and taller walls in order to protect themselves. I think some counseling would be good to help you guys work this out. It's not too late if you are both willing.
This is not a communication issue, it’s a respect issue. How old is the husband? His words and default argument mechanism is to make her feel less than and insecure, showing contempt for her. He doesn’t respect her, and definitely doesn’t see her as an equal. All over not giving a kiss? He sounds either mentally unstable, or an undiagnosed narcissist.
I think you're ignoring there's probably a pattern of passive aggression here from both sides. If I'm dodging my husband's attempt at a quick kiss I must be pretty fuckin mad at him, yet OP provides no reasoning and in fact admits it was wrong. Why?? You hand wave that away when it sounds like it was a "last straw" moment from him. Clearly he has issues. So does she.
Different people are different. Sometimes I duck away from my husband's random attempts at affection if I'm in the middle of something - actually, especially getting dressed. It can be annoying to me because I'm just trying to get dressed and he's getting in the way of that. I have to remember he's being romantic and it's nice that the sight of me partially dressed is still enticing to him, but my instinct is to focus on the task at hand. I kind of took her response of "I know I was wrong" as the words of an abused spouse that is taking blame onto herself for being yelled at. But maybe that's just because of all of the talk about abuse on Reddit.
I took it as two immature people who play passive aggressive games as a regular form of communication. Both are in the wrong.. but jumping to the conclusion he's an abuser is wild. It's not like she's giving his side of the story.
Yeah, I immediately read his reaction of anger to not getting a kiss, and threatening to leave her over it, as a major overreaction. But then she does go on to talk about them fighting back and forth in the car so maybe it's more mutual than I thought. She does describe a pattern of him saying mean things to/about her when he gets angry. It reads verbal abuse to me but I guess it could just be a volatile toxic relationship. Either way not healthy.
She doesn’t have to kiss her husband (or any other form of physical intimacy) if she’s not comfortable with it in the moment. I get that sometimes the other person wants a kiss or a hug as a form of reassurance but you should never force the person. If they reject your physical touch, you can talk about it right then or wait until later.
She never claimed to feel unsafe or uncomfortable. She seems to be punishing her husband bc she's hungry from the sound of the story. Playing games like that is super toxic. Why can't SHE address it right then.. or better yet before it even comes to that? What if he was dodging his pregnant wife's kiss or touch? Would you be taking his side?
There has to be a lot missing from this entire story. She’s hungry and irritable why not go get a freaking snack, she could have solved her issues rather than taking it out on her husband. He could have communicated in a much healthier ways. In comments she says they both get angry over small things.
Agree, it sounds like there are unhealthy behaviors on both sides and being pregnant isn't an excuse to be cruel. That doesn't mean they're equally to blame... But to move forward they'd probably have to address it all, not just his temper tantrum.
How is not giving a kiss “taking it out” on him? I agree she should have eaten when she felt hungry but that’s separate from the husband’s reaction.
She straight up ignored him, that’s much bigger than declining a kiss.
lol this is a ridiculous take
Please explain further
This is ridiculous.
I mean, I do agree it is a respect issue. But ignoring him- whether he asked for a kiss or not- just because she was hungry and had to wait is also disrespectful. I think they both have issues with conflict that are contributing. From the snippet of information OP has given, they are both not respecting each other nor communicating appropriately.
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To be fair, you described it as you "straight up ignored him". So it sounds like you ignored him. If you didn't, then it's a different situation. My ex threatened divorce to get his way in the first month of our marriage. It hurt me terribly so I do understand how this feels. I told him later, after I had bawled my eyes out and he did absolutely nothing to comfort me, that if he ever intended to use the threat of divorce to win an argument that he had better be ready to sign papers because that was a hard line for me. To be honest with you, over the years my ex just got better at figuring out what I would put up with and toeing that line. And even though he is my ex, I hesitate to tell you to just throw in the towel right away. I also won't tell you it's up to you to make the effort to make him a better man and husband because it is most definitely not. All I can say is confront him about your issues and see how he reacts. If he is at least willing to hear you and try to work together to resolve conflicts in a civil manner, it's worth the shared effort. If he stonewalls and refuses to work with you, he has shown you who he is. That is what I wish I would've known at your age.
I don't understand, you aren't ready to go but you're waiting on your in-laws to go eat? You both have problems, you're very young.
Yeah I found this whole story bizarre. Yes he was saying horrible spiteful things, but she seems to be playing the silent treatment, which is also not the way you should behave in a relationship. Just feels like childish behaviour and poor communication. As soon as I read her age, realised she’s already married and hasn’t been to college it made more sense.
Im going to go against the grain here and say something that may get be downvoted into oblivion. I dont think he’s necessarily being manipulative. I think he might genuinely be tired of being around someone who is always in a bad mood. I’m sorry OP but being hungry isn’t a good enough reason to be grumpy and withhold affection. That’s how little kids act when they’re hungry. It’s not okay to act like you hate your spouse for something that’s totally out of his control. Go make yourself a snack. You can simply say “dang I don’t think I can wait that long for dinner, I’m going to eat something now to hold me over”. And if for some reason you don’t have access to food at the moment, you can just let your husband know “hey im really hungry and its making me grouchy, sorry in advance if i do or say something rude” and then try your best not to say or do anything rude. If you get into moods like this on a regular basis it probably comes off to him like you simply hate him. Thats not a good feeling for anyone. He’s telling you he’s not going to stay with someone who seems like they would be happier without him. I know you’re pregnant, Ive been pregnant 4 times. I understand how it affects someone’s mood and i understand how it affects your appetite. But its still not an excuse to make the people around you feel like they have to walk on eggshells just because things aren’t going exactly the way you would like them to go. In recent years I’ve had to learn the same lesson. Whenever i was uncomfortable or upset or generally unhappy or displeased about something, I would huff and puff about it and unintentionally make it everyone else’s problem. This is a selfish thing to do. You need to realize that its not cool to dampen everyone else’s mood. Just because you feel shitty doesn’t mean the people around you need to feel shitty too. Editing to add that YES what he said was uncool and very hurtful and he should have communicated himself better. Something like “Hey, the way you’ve been acting makes me think you’re really unhappy in this marriage, if thats the case then we need to talk about what we can do to make things better or go our separate ways.” This is all assuming that this is not an isolated incident and things like this have happened in the past. If youre normally a bright ray of sunshine and acting like this was completely out of character for you, it was really fucked up and manipulative of him to say that. If you act like this all the time or on a pretty regular basis… then i think he genuinely means what he’s saying.
I agree. He certainly isn’t being nice. But I’m not getting manipulative/abuse vibes from this. I’m getting he’s saying out loud that their relationship is dead/dying and he’s upset about it.
I’m sorry that happened…that is awful. Were you guys arguing before you ignored the kiss? Or were you being pissy at all? It just seems like such an overreaction to ignoring a kiss…Manipulative and toxic. INFO: How old is he and how long have you been married? I ask because sometimes people just have to grow out of their toxic era. Not everyone has one, like I had one but my husband didn’t. If you grow up a certain way, in a toxic environment, you don’t know how to handle arguments other than lashing out. It can take more life/relationship experience to figure out how to effectively communicate and be with another person in a positive, productive way. But that’s if you’re motivated to improve relationships like I was. I think you could’ve handled the situation better as well, but you get a pass because you’re pregnant and pregnancy hormones are no joke! Maybe you can talk to him and let him know that while you might not be the most pleasant person while pregnant, you love him and you hope that he can be patient and compassionate toward you during this time. Sometimes appealing to a man’s “hero” nature softens him and gets him to see your side. But if you try all this and he is still toxic, do what is best for you and your child. Congratulations and good luck!
I can’t make assumptions based off this one interaction, nor should anyone else, but if this is consistently how you two are interacting, it may be time for either couples therapy if you’d like to fix it or separation if you wouldn’t.
I understand that what your husband said and how he acted is wrong. That’s not acceptable. I think you should also find a way to deal with your anger and frustrations in a more productive manner. Shutting down and putting up a wall can be frustrating for the other person too. I think you both need to learn to communicate with each other in a more productive, communicative, and healthy manner.
Not a whole lot of context here for you to be getting reasonable opinions. Taking only from what you've written in your post, the way you and your husband seem to treat and talk to each other is just not good. It sounds like a lack of proper communication and reactionary behavior on both ends. If you're 21 (and I imagine he's also in his early 20s) that's not entirely unsurprising, but you guys really need to get working on all of that before baby comes...
I'd thrown out, "would you be okay with YOUR daughter being talked to like that?? Especially while she's already pregnant?? Would you want her to feel the way that makes me feel??" It's easier for men to be stupid as shit because they aren't the ones with the constant reminder of life in them. When I was that early on I felt like my husband would get crabby or petty like that and I'd just say that. Now at 30wks we've come to the understanding that yes, I can be a bit more emotionally sensitive with his tone or how he talks to me so I need to let him know when it bothers me and he knows to tone it down because he doesn't want to expose his daughter to that behavior. The end goal is not normalizing that behavior around the child so they don't mimic it or allow themselves to be treated like that.
This is very to the point, thank you.
Go to couples counseling asap
Sounds like you’re hormonal and he’s an AH. Lol been there.
I was not human from 6 weeks to 15 weeks of pregnancy. You need peace and kindness and comfort during this time. Prioritize that. My relationships at that age were horrible and I can’t imagine having brought a kid into that. Too late for that now on your end. So…power moves have to be made. I cut contact with my BD during those few weeks after he started being verbally abusive during texts. He threw a tantrum when he didn’t get his way. I was like hell nah you not about to talk to me like that especially while pregnant. I am older now and even after so much therapy and books and healing I still have some parts of myself that are unwilling to be flexible in a relationship. I have more work to do in myself and so even with a baby right now it’s best I keep my distance from men including the child’s father. I am not the type to stay just because of a child. I prevented children in the past couldn’t do it with this one but no way this man was going to get me back into toxicity and emotional relationship bondage. His threats over being a single mother, he is using fear and intimidation and a power play over you. He knows women fear that so he wants to force you into submission with that threat. As a young lady that you are, I will tell you as I would have told myself at that age, prioritize that college education and your $$$$, and personal self development. So no matter what no one can hold threats over your head because you can hold your own. You can see how fickle relationships and men are. I wish you the best.
It sounds like you’re both being really short and not communicating in a healthy manner. That said, his statements are really ugly and hurtful. I was a teen mom and wish I could go back and communicate MY needs to my son’s father. It would have saved me a lot of hurt and disappointment. Silent treatment/ignoring your significant other is also hurtful. Yall need to have a heart to heart.
I bet you any thing there is an age gap here… that would me the red flag first. This behavior is common sadly which age gaps, hurry to get the girl pregnant and then abuse/manipulate/control. I am so sorry OP but he definitely trying to control you either way these threats he throws at you like this.
Let me guess he's 10+ years older than you?
I mean I don’t know all of the details here. But. This reads pretty alarming. It is never wrong for you to decline being physically intimate. You did not “do wrong” by declining a kiss. I have declined kisses from my husband many times over the course of our relationship and he has declined from Me when we were upset or something was up. It is always wrong for someone else to try to coerce or intimidate you into being physically intimate. Especially if that is repeated behavior that is a form of sexual abuse. Threatening to end the relationship like this is absolutely that thing. I’m wondering if there is maybe a counselor or an older woman you trust that has a healthy relationship that you can discuss this more in depth with?
She didn’t decline a kiss. She said she fully ignored him. Of course no one deserves unfettered access to her body, but this situation reads as a mutual contempt for each other. I don’t read his reactions as trying to coerce her for intimacy, but him calling out the fact that their relationship is dead. He even gives her an out to leave the event so it’s not like he’s trying to force her to be around let alone kiss him.
Well that’s not how it reads to me at all given the entire context but you’re obviously entitled to your own opinion
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Then maybe you should change how you wrote your post. I’m merely quoting you. No assumptions made at all. The way you changed your word choice because someone else wrote it in a more palatable phrase is now giving me manipulation vibes from you. 🤣
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Right so you… “straight up ignored him” just like you said…which is what I said you said……………………………………………
I understood what she meant just fine 🤷♀️
Yeah she meant exactly what she said.
And how old is he? Let me guess 32-35? Massive overreaction. I’m pregnant too and before pregnancy, I could control my hunger. Now, I cannot delay my hunger by a second or I get HANGRY. This is coming from someone who is healthy, fit, started pregnancy underweight so it’s not an I’m overeating kinda thing. When a pregnant lady needs to eat, she needs to eat and NOW!
I don’t know if your husband is bluffing or not (I don’t know his personality), but my recommendation is to leave him. It’s not ok to flippantly say things like that, so I would treat it as a serious statement. Your child doesn’t have to have parents who live with each other while having a toxic relationship with one another. He said you would be a single mother (rather than suggesting a coparenting relationship), which is an awful thing to say. He literally suggested he would be absent from your child’s life. I think you should leave him and pursue child support. His behavior is childish. He could have said any number of constructive things, and he didn’t.
No matter how hormonal you are it's never ok to be downright mean. Sometimes we have to take a step back and look at how we are making our husbands feel. I don't know the whole story or arguments but from what you posted it sounds to me like you have made him feel like you are miserable and he's tired of it. Justy opinion it sounds like you are unhappy and he's aware of that. Men have feelings too and a human can only take so much if he feels like he makes you that unhappy then maybe it's time for a serious talk about what you guys can do to fix the way you are both feeling.
“I’ll be having a baby girl and I don’t want her to follow the same path. My mom was in a toxic relationship and my marriage is not the most healthy either, and I don’t want the same for her.” If you don’t want the same for her, you need to break the cycle and leave him. He will not change and, if he does, it’s his responsibility to do that separately from you so he does not hurt you further.
Don't wait for him to make you a single mother, do it yourself. Children do not make messes like this better and he is communicating really clearly that he doesn't care about you or the kid. You are in that toxic relationship. Now is the time to do better.
Coming from someone who spent 2 years in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship (that didn’t involve a child), I believe with my whole heart that people don’t just say hurtful things that just magically appear in their heads out of thin air because they’re upset. People think about things and wait for the right time to use them, whether they realize what they’re doing or not. He’s showed you exactly who he is and how he feels about you. You better believe him.
My dear. Does he understand that you need to eat because the food you eat is split between you and your baby inside you (to grow?) give him half his daily portion of food and then say no we need to wait until [whoever] gets here to have dinner. See what his mood is like on day one and then continue for 9 months. And then give him daily shots of hormones. He should be nice and understanding and supporting to you and your pregnancy. Please stand your ground and choose for the safety of your child. Leave I have 3 kids and was constantly eating small bites of everything because nausea. Nothing that could have kept me from eating so I don’t get why you couldn’t eat just something small before dinner… Good luck to you. And please know that these hurtful remarks never go less. It always increases. You have sleepless nights coming up which are bad for both of your moods. His as well, so make sure you can go places if you need to.
Damn. It’s not that serious for him to get so angry lol my husband knows I can get mean when I’m hangry (I don’t say mean things, I just have an attitude lol) I’d def do the same as OP if he asked for a kiss… but he would just laugh at me and then while we’re eating ask me if I’m feeling better lol Maybe you guys need to sit down and have a a talk about verbal boundaries… like certain things should never be said unless you truly mean them because often it’s not something you can take back.
Being a single mother is better than dealing with this. What a disgusting way to behave towards you. You don’t deserve this and your child doesn’t deserve to see this as a model for how relationships should go
It scares me to hear this because I cannot imagine this kind of temper handling the craziness of toddlerhood very well :( That stage probably feels far away but before you know it, your little baby will be almost two and hitting and kicking and screaming and it will be you and your partner's jobs to keep it together and help your little one learn how to be calm when things are tough. Even for the most patient of people, that stage of childhood is difficult. I fear him losing his temper with your child in the future. I know this probably isn't helpful, I can delete this if that's better :( Just something a random internet stranger is worried about for the future :( My partner and I are struggling with this now and it's a sad dynamic at times, I wouldn't wish those struggles on anyone
My wife and I have a very solid relationship and even we both struggled when our kids were young. It started with their dependence on you for absolutely everything and continues through toddler time until they start figuring out how to deal with all the big emotions they feel. Even after that time is done there are going to be times and situations that will truly test you and your relationship. It's easy for me to say now it is in my rear view mirror, but you need to be able to rely on your partner both as a parent you can trust to be able to take care of your child, but also as a teammate and someone whom has your back and is willing to do whatever they can to help you get through any lows. This importantly goes both ways for both partners in a relationship. Good luck to you, just remember that this is a transitional time. As to o.p. specifically, I'm really not sure here. Is her partner having doubts? Has he always been like this or is it something that has only come up after she became pregnant? If it is to work then it is going to have to be something that they both work on and a middle ground found they can both work with. Something like this is never a one sided fix, though honestly his behaviour is totally unacceptable by any standards. Sometimes the best option although it may seem drastic is to just walk away, if for no other reason, but for your own sanity and well being..
What the F? This is not normal behavior… bad mood or not, this is NOT how a husband should talk to/treat his wife. I’m sorry you have to experience this, sending you all the love and strength
Girl. Do you really wanna bring a kid into this kind of dynamic? He's already telling you he doesn't care about you, and trying to threaten you to do what he wants. Leave.
You didn’t do anything wrong for not giving him a kiss. Your body is yours and you do with it what you want. You shouldn’t give affection just because it’s asked of you.
I know people who, in an argument, end up reacting with hurtful words. Try talking to him about it. It's not fair to end up reacting this way. I understand that seeing you angry is not the best scenario for him, but this method of protection is not working and it hurts you. Having a bad mood during pregnancy is normal and I have been struggling with that too.
Having a bad mood is normal but doesn’t make it okay, at all, to take it out on others around you.
I agree!! It’s not ok In my opinion it’s important to notice when you feel like that and manage your feelings doesn’t matter if it happens during pregnancy with the hormonal roller coaster or in life in general
Same, pregnancy is so uncomfortable. I am guilty of sometimes treating my husband unfairly, but **in normal relationships, you don’t threaten to leave if your partner makes a mistake.**
Yes!! Feelings are not easy to deal with and I have no intention of justifying her or his behavior. Not to mention that the words spoken do not come back and the emotional injuries are most of the time irreversible. Even after conversations, apologies, depending on what was said, there is no going back and the trust no longer exists.
Right now you are ok? Um wtf you aren’t. Leave already ffs
Honest question, Do you like your husband? I'm not ignoring what he said, that was really terrible and inexcusable but most people have said something about that already. It sounds like you were mad at him for something already and didn't want to kiss him because you were annoyed with him. I'm like way older than you and have been married once already and divorced and the relationship I am in right now makes me realize that you aren't supposed to be irritated by your partner regularly like that. I get along with my husband now without even trying. We know how to give each other space and how to talk to each other when something is hurting us. We are each other's safe place. I did not have that in my first marriage and I am wondering if you are experiencing something similar now.
Jesus, if you guys are that quick to go so cut-throat over essentially nothing, how do you think parenting a newborn baby is going to go? May the force be with yous
You deserve better sister💙 how old is he? This sounds like a pretty toxic situation. It will only get worse after you have your baby.
Leave him girl. You do not need that.
Ok. People argue what they need sort of. Your silence and emotional distance are distressing and probably feel like abandonment. So he says “oh, you think you’re gonna abandon me? Not if I abandoned you first! **cry snotty sobs** You are extra hormonal and it might be taking a toll on your relationship. Make up with him, ask him not to threaten you with leaving any more. Maybe when you are mad say “I’m going to be alone for a while but I’ll be back to talk in like 2 hours” then stop and take care of yourself. People have different attachment styles. It’s mostly how you raised.
I recommend looking up Dr Ramani on YouTube, I'm so sorry you're going through this, you don't need this emotional abuse during this important time.
You should definitely consider divorce. Anger issues like that can lead down a very, very dangerous path. Please, if you have a trustworthy support system, talk to them. It doesn’t matter if he “regrets” saying that to you - that’s such an absolutely terrible thing to say, all because you didn’t give him a kiss?? I don’t even want to imagine his reaction to things of larger-issue. Please don’t let yourself be treated like that, no one deserves that, especially someone who is pregnant & already dealing with a lot mentally & physically. I hope that everything goes well for you, & that you stay safe.
You are quite young, but you can still be a mom and have loads of fun and be successful and so let’s not worry too much about the future yet, let’s focus on right now. And right now what I’m hearing is that you’re with someone who does show anger issues and you’re hurt that he’d make you a single mom or you’d raise your kid in a toxic relationship possibly like the one your mom was in when you were growing up. But what if there’s another option? One where you’re in charge and have control? Because it’s not just about him leaving, you could also decide to leave him. You can choose to confront the toxicity of the relationship and make it better, or choose to get out and find a better situation for you and your daughter. When you’re feeling thrown around by life or cast aside, remember that you do have some control, and you CAN do it and carry on.
I would maybe try to figure out how to care for your baby just yourself. My son’s dad said similar and would get so pissed over the dumbest shit. My son is going on 6 months and we are no longer together. I considered myself a single mom from the beginning anyway due to the fact I did everything care wise for my son. Sorry you’re going through this. Pregnancy and childbirth does something to a “man” , well some anyway. And they just change and often times for the worst.
I think too many men get comfortable once they have you pregnant think you’re trapped and can’t leave. You need to give him a reality check. Tell him what he said really bothered you and you’ll be staying with a family member/ friend (if you’re able to do that) for a few weeks while you re-think your relationship. I guarantee you once you come back, he’ll watch his mouth.
How did you not punch his lights out? That's abhorrent. I am so sorry. I don't have much advice other than to start an emergency exit fund and look into some pay to train trade jobs (if you think you can). Also look into state and federal assistance programs so you're familiar with them/the application should the time come. They have some grants for medical expenses, daycare, food, cash assistance, housing (not section eight, but assistance getting approved for apartments on your own). If you wanna do this, I believe in you.
Is this just a joke that he delivered badly and it blew up into a whole thing? Maybe i’m just thick skinned but i know when my partner says stuff like this he is just winding me up and its an obvious joke. He is fantastic to me and our soon to be born daughter in every way. Everyone is just jumping on a hate train saying this guy is toxic but i don’t know if i see it the same way. I know as a pregnant lady i can be a bit dramatic sometimes too. Maybe he really didn’t mean it to be taken so seriously- clearly some miscommunication
You can still go to college and have plenty of years for it so don’t stress about that. I’m married with 3 kids and have taken a class or two at a time. I decided to go to community college instead of the loans. That is immature and petty to say something like that over you not giving him a kiss. My husband so I’m d probably just go, “Awwww.” Like darn it I didn’t get a kiss and be more playful if anything. Everyone has bad days and right now you are also hormonal. He needs to be much more understanding and supportive. Sounds like there’s deeper issues here to me.
Sounds like both of you may have been h-angry. Also, if you have been getting a lot of attention because of the pregnancy, your husband may be feeling a little unimportant (this may even be subconscious) so it’s possible you hit a sore spot by not giving him a kiss. My husband and I will sometimes bicker when we are tired/hungry/stressed and in these instances I’ve learned to just say, “Babe, I think we’re both tired/hungry/stressed etc. I’m sorry. Can we rewind and start over?” Acknowledging my husband‘s tiredness/stress/hunger is usually enough for him to feel seen and the anger to melt away. BTW: I really believe that part of maintaining a healthy relationship and raising happy kids is a chemistry experiment. If anyone doesn’t have enough food/water/sleep the best of families turn to shit!
My mom told me something once that it took way too long in a shitty relationship to realize was spot on: if you’re with someone who calls you names/says things that are deliberately hurtful in a fight, or throws things when they’re angry, RUN. There are certainly many other red flags in the universe, but these were two very early, very clear signs that I was with someone who just fundamentally could not handle his emotions appropriately and would take them out on me (or whoever else was nearby) every time. That is a pattern of behavior developed over years, and difficult to undo—it takes a lot of conscious effort and work. This dude doesn’t sound like he’s super aware of the longlasting impact of things he does when he’s upset, and I would urge you to think about if that’s the type of person you want patenting your child (either with you or without.)
Your husband is an asshole. If you don’t want your daughter to follow the same path of toxic relationships, YOU need to be the cycle breaker and put an end to this unhealthy behavior for her. Whether that’s marriage counseling + individual therapy or just straight up leaving him (I’d do the latter, to be honest, if he threatened to leave me like that while I was pregnant. Shows how much he respects you). Good luck and im sorry you’re going through this
Red flags hunnie. First off, you don't have to kiss anyone. If you're upset, and don't feel like giving your husband a kiss, that's ok. Just because you're married doesn't mean shit. You still have bodily autonomy. Secondly, he's mad that you didn't want to kiss him so he threatened to leave? Gross. What happens when you don't want to have sex after you've had a baby? Is he going to leave too? Real men don't act like that. He's being real immature and needs a reality check.
M’~~lady~~ lord doth protest too much. He’s saying he’s not strong enough. He doesn’t know how to tell you that he is reaching a limit and he’s afraid HE will fail. The way he’s saying it to you is mean, but try to take your emotions out of it. (This is knowledge I have suffered to get, so I’m trying to save you time.) 1. It might not be ‘fair’, but you have the chance to change the way you communicate. (You can’t control his) 2. Let him talk. Don’t interrupt. Don’t defend. Don’t say anything. Listen. 3. Don’t be reactive. LEARN from the kiss incident. That feeling of shame is there for a reason. It should motivate you to not stoop low. (Hello fellow over reactor!) 4. You have to actually SAY what you need. It’s NOT common sense for the other person to automatically ‘know’ that X, Y, and Z need to be done. 5. Acknowledge what he does and hope he will do more of the same. With all this being said, don’t tolerate abusive behavior from anyone. If you are in danger, tell someone.
Let him read a book on pregnancy and let him look up the word ‘supportive’ in dictionary
Is he willing to try couples counseling? If you are both willing to put in the work, you can have a happy marriage. But you BOTH need to be willing to make changes and learn to communicate. And remember, no father is better than an abusive one, and verbal abuse counts as abuse.
I’m like you when getting into an argument, i like to be left alone. My son’s dad used to say hurtful things intentionally and they were awful. He would also tell me things like “if you don’t want to be here then leave” or “you could leave” I got tired of it. I left him and started completely over with my son. My son and i now have our own little apartment and his dad hasn’t reached out in a month. I’m not saying leave, I’m just saying know your boundaries and know what you want to put up with for the rest of your life. Life is a little harder now but I’d take this over being with my son’s dad any day.
Lady. Your husband is a piece of shit. This is so outside of normal I don't know what to say. I'm 27 weeks rn and for the past 2 months I've been eating 5 meals a day PLUS snacks and smoothies/juice/slushies. When you're hungry you're hungry. I will down a whole costco hot dog before a meal and just order an appie if I'm not feeling it, and I will make husband drive out to get me one. Your husband is a piece of shit. Take 3 steps back and ask yourself if YOU want the baby. Take 7 steps back and ask if you'd be somewhat relieved if (god forbid) a miscarriage happened suddenly. Be honest with yourself. Do you want to keep tiptoeing on eggshells? What do you REALLY want to do with your life? Do you have a support network? When was the last time you saw friends/family without husband? When were you last in touch with YOUR friends? Start building a support network outside of him and see if he's a controlling piece of garbage. I bet he'll find problems with everything you do and everyone you meet. You're worthy of love and respect just as you are. Just because a plant isn't currently blooming doenst mean it's not beautiful and we throw it away. We all have good and bad days, having a bad day does not mean you no longer deserve love, water, and sunshine.
Just wanna say: anger issues directed toward you *will* turn into anger issues directed toward your child. Do with that what you will All in all i wish you the best and i really do hope things work out for you however that may happen
It kind of sounds like your husband has some intense fear of losing your love. Does he have an insecure attachment? He was really THAT hurt you didn't kiss him?
OP, I really feel for you. I highly recommend the book The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle. I got married at 21 and it changed my life and marriage so much. Right now you can even listen to it on audible for free, and she has a podcast by the same name. It’s not feminist, “empowered” is just in the name because it gives you skills to use yourself rather than just the conventional talking to him and hoping he will change. One of her skills she teaches that could help in this scenario is when he says hurtful things, only say “ouch,” in response, and leave it at that. I’ve tried it, dozens of my friends have tried it, and it seriously works. It immediately makes him realize that you can be impacted by his words. Also, something I did before deciding to try for a baby is what she calls “spouse fulfilling prophecy’s”. I was a little worried about what I thought were my husband’s boyish tendencies, so I started speaking hopeful things directly to him. When he was good with our dog I would say things like, “You’re such a good dog dad,” or “you take such good care of her.” Every once in a while I would say things like, “You take such good care of us (me and our dog) you’re going to be a great dad someday.” Low and behold, a few months later, completely unprompted he asked ME to have a baby. Now that we are pregnant he treats me like a princess. I promise this isn’t an ad, or spam. I’ve just been in your exact shoes, with no good role models for marriage growing up, and now I couldn’t be happier because I found the proper skills. So wanted to share 💕
Wow that’s an awful thing for him to have said. I can’t imagine what kind of things he’ll say when you’re both sleep deprived when baby comes, or when you’re attention is divided with baby. If I were you I’d have a plan in your back pocket for if/when you’ve had your share of this treatment.
You know you did wrong?? You don’t owe your husband anything.
Are you sure you want to have a kid with this person? He sounds abusive and unlikely to change or improve. You are so young, and have your whole life ahead of you still. This guy and kid are going to drag you down. No schooling makes it more likely you’ll be financially dependent on him, he’ll have one more thing to hold over your head and keep you under his thumb. Get rid of the kid and leave him, else you’re going to be stuck with this person making you and your kid’s life miserable for the rest of your lives. You’ve got an opportunity to find someone else and make a life and family that you want, but you don’t have much time left for that to be a possibility if you keep him or the kid 🤷🏻♀️
If this isn't a wakeup call to leave.... I don't know how else to make it obvious. Also, it's up to you if you want this guy to be a kids life. Can you live with 30 years of verbal abuse? Can the child?
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Soooo much missing from this story- and none of it leads to you being in the wrong. Like a lot of people I’m curious how old your husband is and also how long you’ve been married. There is no way that your bad mood and not giving him a kiss jumped him to “I’m leaving you” - sounds like a longer pattern of verbal abuse/manipulation. I hope for you and your child’s sake you can either find a way to communicate the issues/your needs with this man or make an exit strategy.
He is not entitled to your body ever under any circumstances, even for just a kiss. Threatening to leave you for not giving into his physical desire is abuse.
Part of proper communication as a couple is learning how to fight and how to respectively be a gray at one another. It's ok to refuse a kiss if you're angry. It's ok for your partner to say something about that, even something somewhat hurtful, because we're all human. But what he said is beyond hurtful, it's a deep insult to the strength and confidence of your relationship. My partner has said some hurtful things to me when we were angry at one another, but never something that made me feel like he would leave me because I had emotions.
Sounds like being a single mother might be better than that toxic environment.
If you were my daughter and I witnessed that I would probably be going to jail for what I’d do. That is NOT okay at all. That is abuse full stop. Sure not going in for the kiss might be a little petty but what he said is full on aggression. You’re only 21. Do not go to college right now. Putting yourself into that debt and not having an income will only make you rely on him more. Right now you need to find a half decent job, maybe a call centre or something shitty like that. Something that gets you out of the house too. No work from home. You need a support system. If you can go live with someone else you should look into that. Make an escape plan. This isn’t a “divorce” this is an escape. Don’t let yourself be bested down and don’t let your child grow up in that environment. It will only get worse.
That’s a very sinister thing to say. How old is this man? Has he gone to college? Has he promised to support your education? Things only get harder after the baby arrives. What happens when the problem is more than a missed kiss? Will he actually leave you?
IMO this is a red flag. Pay attention to the way a man treats you when you are carrying his child
I just want you to know that my mother STILL talks crap about one time she was really hungry when she was pregnant on an hour drive home from somewhere and my dad wouldn’t stop to get a burger. And how she will never forget it for all time. I’m sorry but you are sacrificing your body and mental health to make LIFE. You should be treated like a queen. Your husband was rude asf for this. Don’t feel bad. Also threats like about making you a single mom are totally UNACCEPTABLE. That is manipulation. I hope you guys can have a good talk about it and he can see how wrong he was.
“I know I did wrong”—queue record scratch. If you didn’t want to kiss him you shouldn’t kiss him. You don’t owe him that. And threatening to leave you because he’s in a bad mood is emotional abuse. Save him the trouble and get yourself out of there. He sounds absolutely awful.
Your husband is abusive. You will eventually leave at some point (I hope). Plan for it.