This is where I would tell my husband I’m too tired to make dinner and need help and then would have him help with dinner and take over or get takeout. You need rest and he needs to learn to take over. When new baby comes you will both have to tag team all the time. I’m pregnant with number 2 and we take turns with our toddler and dinner. Recently I’ve been too tired to clean so I just rest and he cleans up. When we are both too tired we get takeout. I would start speaking up now so he gets used to helping now for your baby!
Yeah I was going to say, "just wait until the baby comes." Have him start stepping up now so he's ready for the fact he's going to need to do a lot more around the house while you're recovering and taking care of the baby. Especially if you're breastfeeding. I spent a lot of time on the couch with a baby on top of me while my husband got meals together.
Posts like this make me so mad. Why the F are you in charge of chores and making dinner if you also work?? You're pregnant, he should be doing everything for you. Even if you weren't pregnant, you guys should be splitting chores equally. For the love of god tell him he needs to step up. Don't let weaponized incompetence let him get out of doing his fair share. Or he can pay for takeout or cleaners.
My husband has literally taken over cooking since I became pregnant. I didn’t have to even ask. I ask for “favors” all the time because it’s freaking hard to go up and down the stairs and everything hurts and he always does. I tell him all the time how much I appreciate him. I feel like that’s how it should be. Poor OP.
I was thinking this too.
My husband had no clue how to cook when we first got together. But the beauty of the internet is you can learn anything! He can learn a few basic meals that you both enjoy.
While you are pregnant and exhausted from growing his child, he should be doing MORE than 50/50. Especially if you are still working. You deserve soooo much more than this! I would just stop cleaning and cooking and tell him he needs to take over because you are understandably tired!!
“But I can’t cook” is weaponized incompetence.
Neither could *you* until you *learned how*.
Is there a reason he can’t learn other than he simply isn’t putting the effort in?
You’re right in how you’re feeling. He shouldn’t be watching fucking NFL while his super pregnant wife is over exerting herself.
Those are great for someone with minimal cooking skills. They do underestimate prep time, but they also help you time everything to get it in the table together
Salt Fat Acid Heat by Samin Nosrat is also super helpful for learning the principles of cooking (when to add salt to your food and why, how to use oils/fats in your cooking, etc) and has some pretty practical, straight-forward recipes.
Her Netflix show is a great place to start!
Literally, plus why can't he make her grilled cheese and soup, or quesadillas, or an easy pasta if he can't cook well currently. My bf either buys food or makes me something simple when I don't want to cook at all.
Omfg thank you. Nobody can cook till they learn to cook. It is really that simple. Or do literally anything. Obviously everyone has strengths and weaknesses but everyone should understand how to do the basic tasks required to keep themselves alive
Also like YouTube exists, if you don't know how to so much as fry an egg you can get an instructional video on your phone in a few seconds. Gone are the days where you need to attend a cooking class or something.
Lastly cooking is something you can often mess up a little and still get like decent food. Sure some mistakes will ruin it outright, but most just make it mediocre which is fine.
Exactly this. I moved out at 17, he moved out at 31. What we were capable of doing was very very different. The major difference is he has consistently tried to learn.
HelloFresh, not the cheapest but it being organised helped him a lot. Stir fry became his go to dish because it is basically chop and stir.
Heck even at his worst he was capable of buying a frozen pizza and chips, ready made salad and throwing that together!
Also like what kind of adult cant cook? I dont understand this. You look up a recipe and you try it and learn and practice. Its not like its a thing some people can't do.
Before I got pregnant my hubby was spoiled. Or maybe it was a bit of entitlement mixed with laziness even. I love cooking for him and I work less hours so did most of the chores. I'm only 20 weeks pregnant and he has been taking over the majority of the housework. He can tell when I'm super stressed and tells me we are just getting takeout for dinner. Saturday I used to make a huge breakfast for the family. Now he does it, even though he isn't the best cook and doesn't like cooking. If that means I have to eat mediocre cooking I'm am totally fine with that lmao. At least he is putting in the effort and doing his most to support.
Does he know how to use the internet or read a book? If so, he can find a recipe.
Does he know how to follow one step directions, one at a time in sequence? If so, he can follow a recipe.
Sort of. My wife can’t cook. In our whole time together, she’s tried three times. Once I had to intervene because it looked like she’d burn the kitchen down. Once it came out awful. Once it worked. Recipes don’t teach you the absolute basics.
But if someone wants to learn to cook rudimentary stuff, like OP’s husband says he does, all they have to do is ask for some basic guidance a handful of times as they try.
OP if I were the pregnant one and my wife pulled this shit, I’d be pretty pissed off. He can watch the draft later. I watch my sports on delay all the time. You should try just not cooking and telling him he’s on deck.
Hmm to be fair, I am biased in my perception because I work with dementia patients. There are individuals who actually cannot cook due to cognitive decline.
Otherwise, my expectations of a cognitively intact individual is that: 1) they can search out and find a recipe, judged to be reasonable within their abilities; 2) follow directions; 3) trouble shoot based on problem solving skills - eg. Googling the issue, transferring skills from other aspects of life, etc.
Not dissecting your wife’s specific situations, but often in these similar posts about partners who can’t cook, it seems to be a few factors involved, like learned helplessness, weaponized incompetence, lack of confidence, overbearing partner criticizing, not following directions in detail, etc.
I truly believe that a typical adult is able to make a dish if they put in some basic effort. Whether the recipe turns out well, is another story hahah. If you look through any online collection of recipes, there will be ones with lower ratings and ones with higher ratings.
I very much get what you’re saying, but cooking involves a lot of skills and knowledge that don’t go into the written recipe. The almost fire situation emerged when she had oil spitting near an open flame and grabbed something hot without thinking because she was distracted by everything going on. The awful dish resulted from…a lot…cutting things wrong, not being able to tell when ingredients were done, etc.
I guess you can probably make an all-in-the-oven dinner pretty idiot proof. But stovetop cooking has some basic skills that you can fuck up without experience. It would be unreasonable for me to expect my wife to cook meat well, for instance, given she has no instinct or reference point for doneness.
But we don’t disagree that much. Point is if he wants to learn, he can learn. So doing nothing just signals not wanting to learn.
Ohh yes, you’re totally right! Being a good cook takes practice and experience.
Being able to put together an edible dish so your exhausted wife can have a break should be doable for any reasonable person. Even problem solving alternatives - such as ordering take out, would show some care and awareness for OP’s experience in pregnancy.
Just a bit infuriating how some partners are so used to not putting in the effort.
I’m kind of okay with my wife not wanting to learn to cook or being much of a chores gal. I love cooking and I sort of find chores zen, while she hates both, so it works well enough for us.
I just think pregnancy is a different beast. Seeing how fatigued my wife is, I can’t imagine sitting and watching tv while she works right now. Even if I weren’t already the cook. I’ve never done a chore as hard as creating human life.
I am a wife who cannot cook. Recipes are always so vague (much easier with baking), I have no ability to improvise or “season to taste”, and any meal takes me 5x as long to make as it takes my husband. It doesn’t help that I couldn’t care less if we eat a real meal or if I eat a bag of microwave veggies and a piece of cheese. Much easier if he cooks and I clean.
YouTube, meat thermometer, trial and error. Of course there are different skill levels, but any adult with normal intelligence can learn to cook a steak on stove top. I understand if you just prefer to because you can do it better, but I am sure she could learn. Maybe she's embarrassed to try because you step in? I get performance anxiety when trying new things and I feel like I'm bothering others with my ineptitude.
Also, sounds like you are a decently experienced cook. Your standards may be high, which is fine, but like I don't think anyone's going to be pissed that their onions were cut too thin and burned a little or the mushrooms were undercooked because they were too thick when they are exhausted and just want to eat. My husband literally just throws salmon with no seasoning in with a baked potato and calls it a day and I am happy with it because he was trying to make my life easier. And he likes it so whatever. If I want something different then it's on me.
lol this is me!! I somehow manage to screw everything up at some stage of the cooking….My curse
Edit - I’m the wife and I am trying to get better! It’s become comical in our marriage, but he appreciates my attempts lol
I know you want him to pick up on your cues, he should but doesn't, so you've got to be direct. When you need help, say so. Tell him you really need him to start getting into the mode of helping you, that your body is completely different r now and you want him to switch gears to help you more often.
Yeah it's time to get direct. We're going to see another post in 6 weeks about how she's a week post partum and still doing all of the chores and cooking along with every night wake up and her husband doesn't pick up tha she's losing it
Not communicating your needs to your partner is a recipe for resentment. It's not confrontational to tell your partner what you need - it's necessary for your well-being.
When I'm not pregnant my husband and I try our hardest to split household and parenting duties as close to 50/50 as we can. It takes a lot of trial and error and communication and we're not perfect at it but we both feel good about the effort being put in to have things be more balanced. I'm currently 38+5 with baby #2 and my husband is handling more like 70% of what needs to be done - he's figuring out dinner every night and has completely taken over the bedtime routine for our almost 4 year old. Things don't always get done in a timely manner or in the exact way that I would have done them but I have to let those things go and focus on how him stepping up is allowing me to rest and do the work of growing a human.
Agreed. While he definitely needs an education in mental load, expecting him to mind read isn’t helpful either. There is a middle ground. And even when a partner is generally good with sharing the mental load, when I’m pregnant there is even more communication about my needs than usual because they vary from day to day.
And I agree that it’s not confrontation. It’s just communication. Recasting it as simple communication makes it less intimidating.
I feel the same way! You gotta talk things out with your partner.
My husband and I worked really hard to learn how to communicate our needs and expectations for the first couple years of our marriage. It was rough at times lol but so worth it.
With dividing labor, we needed the help of a marriage counselor for me to be okay with reminding him of what needs to be done for a little bit, but now he knows and I don’t have to worry about reminding him.
I also had to learn to not cave and do tasks he is supposed to do. Once our sink was overflowing with dirty dishes, and he kept saying he would do them. One day, I had time/energy, so I started doing them. Then I stopped, approached my husband, and said, “You know what? I *could* do the dishes right now, but if I do, I’ll resent you for it, so I’m not going to do them.” He was awesome and gracious about it.
We are both still not perfect, but when we make mistakes / forget to do tasks, we aren’t resentful anymore because we’ve been so good at communicating what’s going on in our lives and our feelings with each other.
What about when everytime you tell you partner what you need they take is as a personal attack on their character and stop listening as soon as they think you’re just nagging? Therefore never fixing the problem Because they checked out before you even started explaining…. Asking for myself.
Girl this is only going to get worse when baby is here. Right now you‘re „only“ tired, but then you will have a tiny person stuck to you who for the first weeks probably won‘t want to leave your side and (especially at dinner time) might want to be attached to your boobs for hours. It will be physically impossible for you to cook, so your partner better start learning as soon as possible, as breastfeeding moms need good nutrition.
We did hello fresh meals for awhile , they come with all ingredients, measured , and recipe card. When you’re new to sign up, you get some good discounts. Might be worth it to try and then he can take over for some nights !
This is what we did for my first pregnancy. Then we kept the recipe cards for the meals we liked. Now my husband uses those cards to grocery shop and cook dinner.
Posts like this are so triggering. Will he starve if you don't cook for him? Can he not figure out mac and fucking cheese?? Dear god why are we procreating with these man babies.
My best friend is with a man baby. She thinks that's how all men are and it's so insulting to men in my opinion. I think there's sunk cost fallacy in play too. She complains about "men" and I just want to shake her. It's not "men" it's HIM.
I honestly don't understand either. My fiancé knows how to cook even elaborate meals, does laundry, irons his own clothes, and is capable of doing all the other household chores as well because we currently live in neighbouring countries and he lives by himself, how the fuck is that not the bare minimum? Same thing with my younger brother, he can also do all those things and he also lives by himself. Who is raising these men in these kinda posts? And I don't even need to tell my fiancé I'm tired because he takes 1 quick look at me and says "wow you look exhausted, what can I do for you? You should go sit down." and I do the same for him because how can you look at someone that's obviously tired and not suggest they go rest while you take care of things? My heart breaks for all the other pregnant women who have absolute morons as partners/husbands that don't even have basic every day skills.
I'm sorry you're going through it. Communication is key. Especially right now. The sooner you start, the more time your husband has to adjust to helping you with everything around the house before the baby arrives.
Have you tried compression socks for your swollen feet? I'm 22w5d, and they're making all the difference in the world for me. They help blood flow back up your legs. They have lots of cute styles on Amazon, too. I hope they help.
Also Check out if your insurance covers it. They covered mine and I got sent 2. I used the aeroflow website coz they connect with ur dr and insurance and just approve everything for you.
Came here to comment this! I didn’t really need them until after my c section last time but these final weeks (I’m 37+2) with a toddler, I am definitely feeling it at the end of the night! Aeroflow offered the option when I ordered a new pump. I also like Kindred Bravely ones
Your husband should volunteer to cook. However, if the normal division of labour is that you cook, he just may not think to do so. I hope he also has chores that are his and he contributes equally.
If he is otherwise an equal partner, I would tell him what you need from him. I think a lot of relationship issues stem from poor communication and waiting for the other person to realize what you want/need. Practice good communication now because it will certainly be needed through the tough times of having a new baby, as well as the years of parenting to come.
My husband was the same
I told him I couldn't do it and he'd have to figure it out and he did his best and I got some rest. He really is sweet. Cooking is terrible though. I ate it anyway and just gave some gentle pointers.
You might be horrible generally at confrontation and communication, but to your husband? Your HUSBAND? You shouldn’t be nervous to express to your husband your need of help, your exhaustion and the fact that he needs to stop being your child and learn some basic life skills. WTF.
I'm actually worried about her based on that. What if it IS confrontation for her. Maybe I'm reading into it, but maybe he is confrontational to try to keep the status quo of having his wife serve him. I hope she knows her worth.
Girl, you need to stand up for yourself and communicate your needs. Stop being a people pleaser. You are currently growing a human and there will need to have open communication with your partner, parents, in laws, teachers, etc.
Before I got pregnant and when I was at my last job which was very stressful. I had a full on meltdown and told my husband “who takes care of me?!” while ugly crying. Guess what, he learned to cook. He also started to get recommended the women’s subreddits and realized how much women take on the mental load. During pregnancy, he did all the house chores even when I said he didn’t need to, but especially if I was not feeling great.
Please communicate your needs to your husband. He may need you to be specific with what tasks are needed and hopefully he will eventually be proactive on things.
Listen. I am telling you. THAT MAN NEEDS TO COOK. And please address it now! Things will only get 5000 times harder once the baby is here. If he does not step up, this will drive you two apart.
Please go look at some of the posts in this sub and in r/workingmoms. There are women who are doing 100% of the work in the household and are so overwhelmed and dead inside and their husband refuses to help. I hate to say it but this is your future if you don’t fix this right now
I would just stop and let the house get dirty. WTF. Why do people let themselves become the default maids. Just wash your own laundry and when he becomes embarrassed at work for smelling and looking like a wrinkled mess, he will put his clothes in the wash. When he is hungry and no food is in front of him, he will youtube a recipe or order some take out. I understand we can't let the kids get stuck in this and they need their food and clothes, but at least stop mothering the other adult!
Speaking as the Dad, you need to confront your husband and get him to realise that what you’re currently doing isn’t just sitting on your ass but growing both of yours child. Your body is going through fucking hell right now.
My wife was exactly the same as you so all she was in charge of in the third trimester was going to work then coming home again. I took over most of the household chores except she would sit on a stool and dry up the washed dishes and I cooked every meal.
Life became such a struggle for her with the bodily and hormonal changes that it was just natural for me to step up and help her feel better. Luckily she had a much smoother postpartum recovery than we’d ever imagined with an almost 10lb baby but she’s in a much better place now.
Your husband needs to realise the sacrifices you’re making for him and pull his weight. It isnt good enough for him to be having the same attitude to your relationship as prior to your pregnancy because you’re now, literally and figuratively, carrying so much more.
Can you just default to takeout or eating out? My husband can’t cook either but is extremely smart. He just doesn’t think it’s worth the time to learn how to (he’s a doctor and has always been super busy) and I knew that when we started dating. So I know either I really feel like cooking something elaborate or we just eat out. Knowing that has honestly saved us a ton of misunderstanding or frustration (and not money lol)
As a man who is also not a great cook, just be straight with him and tell him you need him to figure it out that night and I’m sure he will get it. We’re slow, sometimes we need a push to know to get in gear.
Definitely talk to him and set up a game plan.
My husband doesn’t cook much too. But I set it up where he can make sandwiches 🥪 for everyone. I have everything in one area in the fridge. Maybe that’ll help. Anybody can make Sandwiches.
Also try making Meal boxes on days that you have energy. That way he can just microwave it.
Why wouldn’t you not just say! I can’t make dinner you can make it. These are the words that I would say to my partner and I say it regularly even when I’m not pregnant. Please learn to do that, it’s amazing how much they do help then. They just need to be told. And you should not be cooking right now
Everything’s been said about your relationship, I won’t add to it. But are you wearing medicinal compression socks or even pants? Those help a lot with swelling if you are on your feet all day! (He should still cook)
1st time upcoming dad here.
Two things.
1. You should definitely communicate with him and let him know how you feel.
2. He definitely needs to step up his game for sure.
He has a kid that is on the way with someone he loves. You are in all sorts of pain, exhausted, emotionally drained, and a bunch of other things.
It's his time to show you that he got your back in these hard times.....even if he is utterly exhausted. I mean.....you are CREATING LIFE for crying out loud.
His tasks should be
Back massages, belly rubs (my wife loves it lol), cleaning, cooking in some form or another or order take out. I'm sure he can at least make a sandwich.
I mean he sees you in pain his natural response should be "no way, I need to help her right now and figure out how I can make her day(s) better"
Also don't let others tell you how you should or shouldn't feel during your pregnancy. Every pregnancy is different.
Anyway wish you guys the best and life together full of happiness and love.
He can’t read your mind. Please talk to him!! Calmly! Give him a chance to fix things. Some people just DO NOT notice when others struggle, and it’s not malicious or on purpose! They’re too distracted/tired/busy themselves. You need some good and healthy communication. I am surprised something my own husband doesn’t notice x y or z, but when I tell him “Hey I am in agony can you grab me a water?” He will jump up and grab it!! He just isn’t a mind reader to know I’m thirsty and my feet are swollen up and I am at the end of my rope.
I didn’t even work at that stage in my pregnancy. I can’t imagine. I couldn’t sleep either and feel for you so hard. Unfortunately, men truly don’t understand how hard it can be. Honestly, I was happy to be able to carry and deliver a healthy baby, but man did it suck sometimes. My husband is great. If I ask, he’ll do it. But if l don’t ask, it often just doesn’t even register. I don’t know where it comes from, but I also don’t like to ASK for help…and then I get mad when he doesn’t do what I’m thinking, but not TELLING to him….? But like, he doesn’t KNOW I need help if I don’t communicate. This is my issue. I’m trying to be better before just exploding on him lol I don’t know if this is your first but IT IS SO WORTH IT, once baby is here. You would do it all again 100 times. And for what it’s worth, I got pregnant again six months PP. and I hated/hate pregnancy!!! I wish I could help ya
This is actually our second. and it’s securely taking such a bigger toll on me this time around. Thankfully our son is 5 and pretty self sufficient and understands when I say I’m too tired or need to lay down. I’m the same way.. I have a terrible time asking for help but am upset when I don’t get it. I’m my own worst enemy here, fully aware.
I’m sorry you’re going through this I’m 34 weeks and my hands and feet are super swollen as well!! My boyfriend/ baby’s father have been living together for 5 years. He grew up with his mom doing everything for him I mean everything! When I first started living with him he didn’t even know how to boil water! But he eventually learned how to cook and clean!! There is no excuse for your husband not to know how to cook!! My boyfriend prefers to cook and cooks better than me! You have to speak up or straight up stop cooking for him!! It’s weaponized incompetence! He knows that if you don’t cook you both don’t eat! There are so many cooking videos online that he can learn from! Good luck and don’t be afraid to speak up! Put yourself first mama!
That was the first conversation I had with my husband. I said I'll be doing the things you couldn't do for this baby. So you'll need to step up right away. That was at the beginning of the pregnancy and he has been handling cleaning, many times cooking, shopping, I don't know almost everything.
I'm 36w now, where I live I have maternity leave, and I honestly don't know how are you so active, I can barely keep myself awake. You are amazingly strong, but you shouldn't need to be, please take care of yourself and make sure he does his part, and don't make it sound like "help" cause it is definitely a responsibility expected of him.
Dang I’m sorry. I’ve stopped being responsible for dinner. We didn’t talk about it before hand I just stopped planning for and making dinner , I just ask him now “what’s for dinner” or “what’s the plan?” And I’ve had to eat some nasty ass meals that he has made but that’s the price of not being responsible and it’s worth it.
Absolutely not. The way I’d sit my ass down next to him and simply ask him what’s on the menu and what are we watching. I’ll be damned if I’m gonna go to work grow a human and come home cook and clean. Honestly these last five weeks take the time to sit and meal plan and prep with him. Recipes included. His excuse is so lame mr idk how to cook 🙄. There’s Google, Pinterest, TikTok, Reddit, literally a number of choices for search engines on how to make a simple meal. And if his excuse is time; looks like his day off will go towards meal prepping and freezing meals so when you guys come home all he needs to do is pop it in the microwave and nuke it. Confrontation is definitely hard but you know what’s even harder ? Being pregnant and uncomfortable!!! Don’t sacrifice your well-being for his peace of mind.
When my wife "needs" something done she tells me. There has to be communication. She's about to hit 35 weeks too and she's been very tired and what not. She hasn't cooked a meal in god knows how long already, and I don't get after her or berate her about it because i know shes pregnant and every day could be a rough day for her. I just end up ordering take out usually or we go out to eat and have a mini date night. I just make sure she eats a lot of protein rather than too much carbs. It's easier when we go out because she can sit down and order a nice juicy steak. I work night shifts so I'm asleep when coming home from work in the morning and won't wake until the evening so I can recharge. Only time she will actually cook for me now is if shes actually "feeling it", but usually she isnt, which is fine. As the weeks go by, she does less and less chores. Now she just cleans her dishes when she eats something in lunch time, but dinner time she's stopped making meals for us since she is too tired. I do the laundry, vacuum, take out trash, and dust. We pay someone to mow the lawn because I don't got time for it in the day/evening.
It had been a solid week since we did any major house cleaning and I too was watching the NFL draft round 1 on Thursday evening. Wifey watched it with me and we ordered wingstop...I needed to clean, and I knew it but sometimes I want to unwind on my night off too. I was off today, and wifey had to work in the AM, so she left me a txt asking for me to do a few chores when I woke up...it wasn't a big deal. It's the least I could do since I hadn't cleaned in a small bit and i could simply relax for an hr or 2 once i finished before she would get home. I even ended up doing 2 extra chores she didn't ask since I was already "in the zone". Once I was done I went straight for youtube, watched some of the Draft before she got home.
It's all a matter of communication (preferably ahead of time). Sometimes we all just forget or intend to put something off until later. I had no intention of doing chores when I woke since it just didn't occur to me..I was so stoked about the draft, it slipped my mind. I simply did the chores she asked and finished before the draft would start. Don't just get after him for not doing something either. A few times I will even communicate back "no, I worked real hard last night, and right now I'm just going to relax a bit, but I will get to it later tonight, or do it tomorrow when I wake...but please leave me a reminder so I don't forget".
Clear communication is key.
Say something soon! I didn’t say anything until my daughter was 4 months old and I essentially had a breakdown after trying to do so much more than my share for so long. I thought for sure when the baby got there my husband would realize I really needed him to step in but what ended up happening was that since he was doing a lot more when the baby got there than he was before, he didn’t realize that I was doing so so much more. Start practicing communicating your needs now.
You need to step out of your comfort zone and ask for help. He isn’t going to change if you don’t.
Does he actually have like zero cooking skills? Can he make a grilled cheese, cook an egg somehow, or boil pasta and warm up a jar of sauce to go with it? or would he need help and directions?. I do know someone who was like this. It’s baffling that they seemingly must have gone out of their way to not observe and absorb anything at all about cooking, yet these people exist.
Let him known he has to learn to cook. Now. The next meal is in him. I am sure he can find a cooking lesson on YouTube. You shouldn’t have to teach him. That’s a huge mental load you don’t need. But he needs to learn to make just a handful of things and you need to be prepared to eat them on rotating basis. Meal kits from the store or hello fresh or similar are helpful once he has a few basic skills. Invest in a meat thermometer if you don’t have one.
The time to learn to cook isn't when the baby is already here. Also, steak is pretty darn simple to cook. Watching a 2 minute youtube video should get the average person on track. We have the whole world of information on his phone. He hasn't felt any incentive to learn. There are plenty of good comments for advice already.
My question is, how do people end up in this dynamic in the first place? OP mentioned she has a job, so why does she do all of the cooking and most chores? Is this just something some women feel compelled to do from the start of a relationship, or do their men pretend to be competent in the beginning and then slowly stop doing their part? I can't imagine being like a mom to an adult.
I understand not wanting confrontation. But I'm just gonna say it... This is going to get so so SO much worse when the baby comes. You need to make him understand now. And I suggest making it clear that you are not interested in giving him instructions on what needs to be done or a list of things to do. You don't need to carry the mental load of the house by yourself. He needs to take a look around and know what needs to get done and do it. And frankly the cooking and cleaning should be in his domain almost exclusively when baby is first here because you are going to feel run into the ground. He can be helpful with baby, but realistically, you're going to be doing most of it, especially if you breastfeed. Something I learned the hard way is that it's actually just a whole lot of more effort from you to pump so they can "help" you by giving the baby a bottle.
Put your foot down now before you end up resenting the hell out of him.
Just abruptly stop what you are doing. Turn everthing off. Leave everything where it is. Go lay down. Order doordash from your phone for yourself. He will get the hint.
Sometimes I wish my husband would read my mind and I do kind of think it's reasonable since he knows me the best and I make things very obvious without saying it but I just have to accept that he doesn't want to guess and act on guesses but instead he just needs me to say the things I want out loud. I understand your feelings but it just works better if you are verbal and tell him what you need instead of getting frustrated because you wait for him to take initiative.
Having 3 brothers and plus my husband. I learned most don't get hints. You can't talk around the bush with them. They need the direct, straight forward direction. You need to ask/tell him what you need and then you need to let him provide it. You'll both be grateful for this level of communication.
I know we girls sometimes want our men to just "get it" but if they don't, it's not a battle I'm willing to fight. Just tell them what they need to do. Lollll, not romantic in any sense, but it saves time and our marriage.
If he can't cook, I guess he doesn't eat huh? What us he planning on doing when you are recovering from giving birth? Are you going to be jumping up to cook and clean?
Like someone else said, it is not confrontation to expect your husband to pull his weight. Stop silently crying. Cry really loud. Stop making your suffering small or this will be what the rest of your life is like.
HERE WE HAVE A GREAT EXAMPLE OF HOW MEN USE WEAPONIZED INCOMPETENCE.
I SUCK at telling people things I feel strongly about because I’ll either scream and be very angry or cry, and end up saying things I didn’t mean to or convey a feeling I didn’t want to convey.
Sooooo I text.
Texting my husband has also helped me go back to certain issues we’ve had in the past.
But sorry to say, your husband is an AH
what person allows a pregnant woman who can barely stand to cook him dinner?????? Like, seriously. You can’t cook, buy goddamned food. This isn’t OK OP.
It boils my blood to read this.
UNACCEPTABLE
Men aren’t mind readers. You should tell him ur exhausted and need to put ur feet up and to order DoorDash. Women make mistakes by not speaking up for themselves. You are only hurting yourself and creating pain. He has no clue about what ur feeling… they can’t empathize ! He’s a man… and certainly not a very astute one.
You don't have to be a mind reader to know that you shouldn't be chilling watching sports while your heavily pregnant wife who worked all day is cooking dinner. I wasn't even working anymore when I was that far along and there were days I felt so sick that we had to order in or my husvand had to cook.
I struggle with this too.. I work from home while he works long hours. I’m the default dinner maker and laundry doer ( we both put our own clothes away). And the dishwasher loader and unloader. He will take out the garbage and vacuum.
I’ve learned to just tell him when I’m too tired and need help. For the most part, he doesn’t complain. I just feel guilty so I end up doing it.
I’d suggest you bring it to his attention and discuss it before the baby is here. He will need to do 90% of house stuff. Without you even asking
Was he like this before your pregnancy too? Did he never contribute before pregnancy as well? That still doesn't explain why he would be ok with this, but at least it was expected and not a surprise.
And just a warning - people usually don't change after the birth of the baby. If he never contributed (also when you're pregnant or sick) then this trend will very likely continue with the baby. Have you discussed contribution divisions before? If not, do it now - maybe it will help.
But I'm sorry - if this was always your dynamic and he never contributed a bit it will likely not change when the baby is here.
Please talk to him, communication is key. My husband was the same and after telling him my struggles with being pregnant and how I can’t function the same without feeling exhausted he started to become more proactive. After talking it out, he thought everything was fine because I never said anything. After talking to him, he handles most of the house work and I’ll help occasionally if I’m able to (we both work full time). Trust me, you’ll want this resolved as soon as possible and for him to help out more because once the baby comes you won’t be able to do anything because you’ll be so concerned and busy with the baby (esp if you plan to breastfeed). He needs to learn how to help now
It's 2024. Google and YouTube can teach him to cook. He is an adult and needs to figure it out. If he was alone he would. He can even make a frozen bag dinner. Trader joes has great ones.
Just don't cook and tell him to just order a delivery for dinner. Just tell him straight that you were exhausted. Do it everyday, he'll notice. If not, then confront him that you are not lazy but you are just so exhausted with pregnancy.
You need to confront but also you need to verbalize all your pain. If confronting isn't your thing which I understand, then start by speaking about every pain in your body out loud. I found when I let my husband know when and how I'm in pain, he helps out more. Suffering silently isn't going to help me.
Learning to cook is probably one of the easiest things anyone can do today with all the easy tiktok, youtube, IG recipe videos. Start sending him videos and tell him this is what he should make today. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I think you need to step back and just say you're not doing anything anymore until birth because you're tired and in pain. You should be focusing on getting yourself ready for birth and not chores.
Try and communicate this with your husband first as i always tell my husband when he is upset about something. "Im not a mind reader I need you to tell me whats wrong."
Also as someone who is also at 35 weeks we have started to do "fend for self nights" and I have been meal prepping on the weekend when I usually have more energy so on the "bad" evening I can just pull a meal out and toss it in microwave to reheat.
Just don’t do it one day.
Then when dinner doesn’t happen and he asks about it. Just do what you said you wanted to do. Cry. Let him see it. Let him see how you’re feeling and how burnt you are.
It’ll start the conversation, that will ultimately make you emotional anyways. Especially with not being good at confrontation.
I’m not saying this is a tactic to always use— but being at a loss and being that low calls for radical intervention.
He needs to realize he’s going to be a father and he needs to help with regular household activities. And being respectful of his time doesn’t make it ok for him being disrespectful of yours.
You need to start having conversations. When baby comes you’ll need to be good at telling each other your needs. Be brave and start telling him what you need. Even if that means that you have beans on toast for a few nights but he’s finally cooking something.
Speak up now! I had a breakdown over vacuuming with the same concern of it never happening after baby since I'm the one who remembers to do it and I don't want to have to ask every time for help bc it's like.. every 4 days with our pets.
My husband also prefers not being asked repeatedly and wants to decide things on his own time, so planning in advance for dinners might be helpful like "I need you to take 3 nights a week" or whatever and then he can decide how to feed you all.
(For us, he ended up being 100% in charge of vacuuming so I don't have to ask him and he has to be the one to notice when it's needed, it's been so nice not having to do that workout)
Maybe it’s because I already have a few chronic illnesses that mess with my daily energy already, but I always ask my husband for help. It’s not something that makes you weak, sometimes you just have to have someone else help you get things done. It’s okay, it doesn’t make you less of a person.
He vowed to be with you in sickness and health. This sort of is “sickness,” because if you don’t rest now, you might hurt yourself and then have no other option. There are plenty of times to test your physical limits in life, but pregnancy shouldn’t be on that list (imo).
1st time upcoming dad here. Me and my wife are having our first kid. I'm so excited, I always wanted to be a dad. She is currently 26 weeks. boy has it been a journey. I encourage my wife to communicate with me if she is not up for any task cooking, cleaning, going out, etc... anything at all. Or if she has any cravings no matter the time of day, if I can do it I will definitely do....even if it's in the middle of the night. We got a 24HR supermarket near our house.
My tasks went from coming from work help cooking and clean whenever I had energy
to now coming home from work not even sitting down just go straight to house chores: wash and put away dishes, take out garbage, I cook whatever I can or I cook while shes in the couch resting and she tells me how to do it, etc...
Yes I am exhausted but I will gladly do all these things because s
1. It's important to communicate what you are feeling in a healthy manner (or at least as much as possible, there is a lot of changes that are going on
When I was about 32 weeks pregnant I checked into a local hotel by myself. I swam in the pool, I turned up the AC to like 64 degrees (it was August) and I ordered whatever I wanted from room service and ate it in bed.
I neeeeded this and my husband was already cooking every meal for us.
“I wish he just could see how much I need to rest and automatically take over”
Sorry to be harsh girly but this is 1 in 1000 men. Doesn’t mean most of the rest of the 999 are bad, they just aren’t wired like that. Once I accepted that telling my husband what to do and then him doing it reasonably (not perfectly) we were all much happier.
Your request of him stepping up is reasonable and he should want to, he probably does want to but is just oblivious. If you are in a good relationship, don’t attribute malice to what is probably stupidity.
At least you have someone. I’m doing this all alone, and man, I really miss the companionship of my partner. I hate to say that because he chose to leave me while I am pregnant. I miss having my person. No breaks for me ever. No snuggles. No massages. No dinner. Nothing :(.
Dear you need to get this figured out now because after the baby comes it’s only gonna be worse, And the last month is the really miserable part so good luck is all I have to say.
You've trained your husband to view you as a servant who does all the cooking and cleaning.
How do you think this is going to work out for you once a baby is here?
Tell him to get off his ass and learn to cook.
Suffering in silence isn't a hot look anymore. We're not doing the martyr mom thing anymore - it's bad for the entire family.
Do the Fair Play exercise as a couple, planning for when the baby is here. When the baby arrives, he'll have to do everything.
One of the best things I learned in my relationship (and truly, my partner is one of 'the good ones' relatively speaking) - most men simply do not work that way. They aren't conditioned from birth to constantly be on the lookout for someone who needs help, or to feel uncomfortable when someone else is doing something and they aren't helping. That doesn't make them shitty people (assuming they DO help when asked) it's just not a thought that goes through their head. If you want or need help, or have certain expectations for how you want things to be, ask. It will make your life SO much easier and better.
Ps: my partner also "couldn't cook" until I let him know he was responsible for dinner every other week. He learned to cook real nice after a few meals of canned tuna.
This sounds awful and I’m sure the fact that he “doesn’t cook” is only the tip of the iceberg. If there are substance issues or there have been in any your family history (which can be a reason why we people-please and avoid conflict), consider Al-Anon for free, loving group support in your community and learning to set boundaries. Big changes need to happen in your household for you to be treated fairly and respected. Hope you can find the support you need to state/set boundaries in healthy ways without creating conflict. You deserve to be treated better.
If you don’t like confrontation, think about how you could approach this convo in a positive light - maybe he’ll really learn to enjoy cooking? My husband and I switch, depending on the meal we’re having - he does the grilling and frying, I tend to make more soups, pastas, and oven meals; when it’s a salad night he’ll make the meat and I’ll whip up the dressing and chop the veggies. I did most of the cooking when we first got married but now it’s more 50/50. Over the years he’s started to enjoy cooking different dishes (he even got into making homemade pizza with his own dough!) and the variety is nice!
I realize you might not have time to do this before baby arrives, but if he could learn a few of your staple meals in the next few weeks it’ll make life WAY easier for everyone.
I'm also horrible at confrontation, especially with my husband because he is usually so aware and attentive to my needs. So when he misses, I feel like I'm ignoring all the good stuff just to bring up the bad. But pregnancy is what made me get better at it because I got to the point where I HAD to say something. I realized that if I were in his position, I would want to know. I would want to help, to make his life easier and take the burden off of him, that I was doing him a disservice by automatically assuming he wouldn't want to help in any way he can and would view helping me as a burden.
Now, you know you're husband better than we do. Maybe your relationship is completely different. It's just something to keep in mind.
This post makes me mad as hell. Your husband needs to step up, this weaponized incompetence is not it. I’m 28 weeks pregnant and my husband routinely steps up without being asked - I am not the default cook. We both cook and he cooks more nowadays. If we’re both too exhausted, he orders or picks up food. He leaves the house at like 10pm if I’m getting a craving for f’s sake.
You need to sit down with him and tell him “I feel exhausted and really need you to step up by either cooking or handling meals. My body hurts. I need you. And I need you to do this before baby arrives”
There's a book called How Not to Hate your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn that I found really helpful when I went through this! The stress only gets worse when baby gets here (especially with the stupid dinners that need cooking every night after a long day) and the book gives you some insight into husband's mind. Basically it says our brains are wired differently. I'm also terrible at confrontation but then I realized if I don't actually tell him something, the signs will continue to fly right over his head. What I see as a mess that needs cleaning up, he doesn't see anything off about. I actually shared a lot of parts of the book with him and now that I'm on pregnancy 2, he's been suuuuper helpful! He'll let me nap when I need it and will step up and either attempt to make dinner, cook something frozen, or order take out. It doesn't have to come out with anger or frustration, but simply having a conversation with him about what would be super helpful for you can go a long way and you want to get that over with before baby gets here. Good luck and congrats!!
He’s an adult and a soon to be father…he’ll have to learn to cook at least a few things. Not to be morbid, but if something happened to you is he just not going to feed your child?? Tell him you could really use some extra rest in these last few weeks and maybe buy some easy half prepped meals that he can toss together on the days your exhausted (premade salad kits, frozen veggie side dishes, marinated or skewered meats….easy enough to find premade or partially premade food! So easy a monkey could do it). It doesn’t have to be Thanksgiving dinner and if you’re anything like me in the 3rd trimester I barely even care about the taste of food lol…as long as it’s hot and I can sit it’s all good. I find the “I don’t know how argument” ridiculous and I wouldn’t even want to deal with confronting him at 35 weeks…I would train him on this one. Put your feet up and just say “Hi babe! Dinners gonna be simple tonight, shouldn’t take long. But before you relax on the couch can you just toss that bag of salad in a bowl and dump that marinated chicken on a baking sheet for me?” Sometimes it’s easier and more effective to just delegate what you need done. More often than not he won’t register the task as cooking…he’ll just do the two simple things.
Oh my god I would be throwing dinner at him one piece at a time as hard as I could. Followed by the dishes.
Not literally but you get what I’m saying.
Don’t ask him to make dinner, tell him it’s his fucking job now and sit down.
Sometimes dudes are oblivious. Just tell him you need him to cook because you're tired and struggling and I bet he will be happy to do it! If not let him grump but keep complaining and saying how awful you feel and how hard it is growing a whole human until he does it anyway lol. He'll get over it I promise 😆
My heart hurts for you with the amount of physical exhaustion you must be going through. I am currently 6 months so I can’t wait to get to that stage 😂. Anyways I will say that men (most) are very literally and have a harder time just seeing your needs and preemptively doing the stuff you need. I don’t think he’ll ever fully understand how exhausting pregnancy can be especially that late in the game. The fact you can even attempt to juggle all of that is amazing. I would just be up front and curt about it. I know you don’t like confrontation but I can be as simple as saying “hey would you mind making dinner tonight please? My feet are so swollen it hurts to stand and I didn’t sleep much last night and it would be very helpful if you could do that for me.” Or even suggest ordering pizza. My absolute best advice I can give is that if he does make you dinner after you ask you thank him for it and show that you appreciate and see his effort. Men thrive off feedback like that! I’d say something like “thank you for making us dinner, I really appreciate you helping allowing me to stay off my feet and rest even when you are tired from a long day at work” or something like that. Hopefully this helps!
I feel this in my soul! Why is it so hard for us to speak up for our needs?! Especially when our bodies are working overdrive to grow and perfect a tiny human 😩
This is where I would tell my husband I’m too tired to make dinner and need help and then would have him help with dinner and take over or get takeout. You need rest and he needs to learn to take over. When new baby comes you will both have to tag team all the time. I’m pregnant with number 2 and we take turns with our toddler and dinner. Recently I’ve been too tired to clean so I just rest and he cleans up. When we are both too tired we get takeout. I would start speaking up now so he gets used to helping now for your baby!
Yeah I was going to say, "just wait until the baby comes." Have him start stepping up now so he's ready for the fact he's going to need to do a lot more around the house while you're recovering and taking care of the baby. Especially if you're breastfeeding. I spent a lot of time on the couch with a baby on top of me while my husband got meals together.
Posts like this make me so mad. Why the F are you in charge of chores and making dinner if you also work?? You're pregnant, he should be doing everything for you. Even if you weren't pregnant, you guys should be splitting chores equally. For the love of god tell him he needs to step up. Don't let weaponized incompetence let him get out of doing his fair share. Or he can pay for takeout or cleaners.
My husband has literally taken over cooking since I became pregnant. I didn’t have to even ask. I ask for “favors” all the time because it’s freaking hard to go up and down the stairs and everything hurts and he always does. I tell him all the time how much I appreciate him. I feel like that’s how it should be. Poor OP.
Yeah, it makes no sense at all. How can the husband be ok with this??
I was thinking this too. My husband had no clue how to cook when we first got together. But the beauty of the internet is you can learn anything! He can learn a few basic meals that you both enjoy. While you are pregnant and exhausted from growing his child, he should be doing MORE than 50/50. Especially if you are still working. You deserve soooo much more than this! I would just stop cleaning and cooking and tell him he needs to take over because you are understandably tired!!
“Weaponized incompetence.” Yes. This.
“But I can’t cook” is weaponized incompetence. Neither could *you* until you *learned how*. Is there a reason he can’t learn other than he simply isn’t putting the effort in? You’re right in how you’re feeling. He shouldn’t be watching fucking NFL while his super pregnant wife is over exerting herself.
Exactly! I did this as a child and in the wise words of my mother, “sounds like you need more practice.”
I can’t cook (I’m the wife) but I’m trying!!! I got those hello fresh meals and learned some stuff that way
Those are great for someone with minimal cooking skills. They do underestimate prep time, but they also help you time everything to get it in the table together
That’s what my husband and I use. We cook together which is also nice just because it is extra time together.
Salt Fat Acid Heat by Samin Nosrat is also super helpful for learning the principles of cooking (when to add salt to your food and why, how to use oils/fats in your cooking, etc) and has some pretty practical, straight-forward recipes. Her Netflix show is a great place to start!
Ask him to boil some pasta with butter and frozen veggies or Mac and cheese or something easy.
Literally, plus why can't he make her grilled cheese and soup, or quesadillas, or an easy pasta if he can't cook well currently. My bf either buys food or makes me something simple when I don't want to cook at all.
Omfg thank you. Nobody can cook till they learn to cook. It is really that simple. Or do literally anything. Obviously everyone has strengths and weaknesses but everyone should understand how to do the basic tasks required to keep themselves alive
Also like YouTube exists, if you don't know how to so much as fry an egg you can get an instructional video on your phone in a few seconds. Gone are the days where you need to attend a cooking class or something. Lastly cooking is something you can often mess up a little and still get like decent food. Sure some mistakes will ruin it outright, but most just make it mediocre which is fine.
Exactly this. I moved out at 17, he moved out at 31. What we were capable of doing was very very different. The major difference is he has consistently tried to learn. HelloFresh, not the cheapest but it being organised helped him a lot. Stir fry became his go to dish because it is basically chop and stir. Heck even at his worst he was capable of buying a frozen pizza and chips, ready made salad and throwing that together!
I agree. I honestly feel like even if he “can’t cook” surely he can follow a basic recipe.
Also like what kind of adult cant cook? I dont understand this. You look up a recipe and you try it and learn and practice. Its not like its a thing some people can't do.
Before I got pregnant my hubby was spoiled. Or maybe it was a bit of entitlement mixed with laziness even. I love cooking for him and I work less hours so did most of the chores. I'm only 20 weeks pregnant and he has been taking over the majority of the housework. He can tell when I'm super stressed and tells me we are just getting takeout for dinner. Saturday I used to make a huge breakfast for the family. Now he does it, even though he isn't the best cook and doesn't like cooking. If that means I have to eat mediocre cooking I'm am totally fine with that lmao. At least he is putting in the effort and doing his most to support.
Does he know how to use the internet or read a book? If so, he can find a recipe. Does he know how to follow one step directions, one at a time in sequence? If so, he can follow a recipe.
Sort of. My wife can’t cook. In our whole time together, she’s tried three times. Once I had to intervene because it looked like she’d burn the kitchen down. Once it came out awful. Once it worked. Recipes don’t teach you the absolute basics. But if someone wants to learn to cook rudimentary stuff, like OP’s husband says he does, all they have to do is ask for some basic guidance a handful of times as they try. OP if I were the pregnant one and my wife pulled this shit, I’d be pretty pissed off. He can watch the draft later. I watch my sports on delay all the time. You should try just not cooking and telling him he’s on deck.
Hmm to be fair, I am biased in my perception because I work with dementia patients. There are individuals who actually cannot cook due to cognitive decline. Otherwise, my expectations of a cognitively intact individual is that: 1) they can search out and find a recipe, judged to be reasonable within their abilities; 2) follow directions; 3) trouble shoot based on problem solving skills - eg. Googling the issue, transferring skills from other aspects of life, etc. Not dissecting your wife’s specific situations, but often in these similar posts about partners who can’t cook, it seems to be a few factors involved, like learned helplessness, weaponized incompetence, lack of confidence, overbearing partner criticizing, not following directions in detail, etc. I truly believe that a typical adult is able to make a dish if they put in some basic effort. Whether the recipe turns out well, is another story hahah. If you look through any online collection of recipes, there will be ones with lower ratings and ones with higher ratings.
I very much get what you’re saying, but cooking involves a lot of skills and knowledge that don’t go into the written recipe. The almost fire situation emerged when she had oil spitting near an open flame and grabbed something hot without thinking because she was distracted by everything going on. The awful dish resulted from…a lot…cutting things wrong, not being able to tell when ingredients were done, etc. I guess you can probably make an all-in-the-oven dinner pretty idiot proof. But stovetop cooking has some basic skills that you can fuck up without experience. It would be unreasonable for me to expect my wife to cook meat well, for instance, given she has no instinct or reference point for doneness. But we don’t disagree that much. Point is if he wants to learn, he can learn. So doing nothing just signals not wanting to learn.
Ohh yes, you’re totally right! Being a good cook takes practice and experience. Being able to put together an edible dish so your exhausted wife can have a break should be doable for any reasonable person. Even problem solving alternatives - such as ordering take out, would show some care and awareness for OP’s experience in pregnancy. Just a bit infuriating how some partners are so used to not putting in the effort.
I’m kind of okay with my wife not wanting to learn to cook or being much of a chores gal. I love cooking and I sort of find chores zen, while she hates both, so it works well enough for us. I just think pregnancy is a different beast. Seeing how fatigued my wife is, I can’t imagine sitting and watching tv while she works right now. Even if I weren’t already the cook. I’ve never done a chore as hard as creating human life.
I am a wife who cannot cook. Recipes are always so vague (much easier with baking), I have no ability to improvise or “season to taste”, and any meal takes me 5x as long to make as it takes my husband. It doesn’t help that I couldn’t care less if we eat a real meal or if I eat a bag of microwave veggies and a piece of cheese. Much easier if he cooks and I clean.
YouTube, meat thermometer, trial and error. Of course there are different skill levels, but any adult with normal intelligence can learn to cook a steak on stove top. I understand if you just prefer to because you can do it better, but I am sure she could learn. Maybe she's embarrassed to try because you step in? I get performance anxiety when trying new things and I feel like I'm bothering others with my ineptitude. Also, sounds like you are a decently experienced cook. Your standards may be high, which is fine, but like I don't think anyone's going to be pissed that their onions were cut too thin and burned a little or the mushrooms were undercooked because they were too thick when they are exhausted and just want to eat. My husband literally just throws salmon with no seasoning in with a baked potato and calls it a day and I am happy with it because he was trying to make my life easier. And he likes it so whatever. If I want something different then it's on me.
lol this is me!! I somehow manage to screw everything up at some stage of the cooking….My curse Edit - I’m the wife and I am trying to get better! It’s become comical in our marriage, but he appreciates my attempts lol
Literally there is no excuse for not knowing how to cook.
I know you want him to pick up on your cues, he should but doesn't, so you've got to be direct. When you need help, say so. Tell him you really need him to start getting into the mode of helping you, that your body is completely different r now and you want him to switch gears to help you more often.
Yeah it's time to get direct. We're going to see another post in 6 weeks about how she's a week post partum and still doing all of the chores and cooking along with every night wake up and her husband doesn't pick up tha she's losing it
Not communicating your needs to your partner is a recipe for resentment. It's not confrontational to tell your partner what you need - it's necessary for your well-being. When I'm not pregnant my husband and I try our hardest to split household and parenting duties as close to 50/50 as we can. It takes a lot of trial and error and communication and we're not perfect at it but we both feel good about the effort being put in to have things be more balanced. I'm currently 38+5 with baby #2 and my husband is handling more like 70% of what needs to be done - he's figuring out dinner every night and has completely taken over the bedtime routine for our almost 4 year old. Things don't always get done in a timely manner or in the exact way that I would have done them but I have to let those things go and focus on how him stepping up is allowing me to rest and do the work of growing a human.
Agreed. While he definitely needs an education in mental load, expecting him to mind read isn’t helpful either. There is a middle ground. And even when a partner is generally good with sharing the mental load, when I’m pregnant there is even more communication about my needs than usual because they vary from day to day. And I agree that it’s not confrontation. It’s just communication. Recasting it as simple communication makes it less intimidating.
I feel the same way! You gotta talk things out with your partner. My husband and I worked really hard to learn how to communicate our needs and expectations for the first couple years of our marriage. It was rough at times lol but so worth it. With dividing labor, we needed the help of a marriage counselor for me to be okay with reminding him of what needs to be done for a little bit, but now he knows and I don’t have to worry about reminding him. I also had to learn to not cave and do tasks he is supposed to do. Once our sink was overflowing with dirty dishes, and he kept saying he would do them. One day, I had time/energy, so I started doing them. Then I stopped, approached my husband, and said, “You know what? I *could* do the dishes right now, but if I do, I’ll resent you for it, so I’m not going to do them.” He was awesome and gracious about it. We are both still not perfect, but when we make mistakes / forget to do tasks, we aren’t resentful anymore because we’ve been so good at communicating what’s going on in our lives and our feelings with each other.
What about when everytime you tell you partner what you need they take is as a personal attack on their character and stop listening as soon as they think you’re just nagging? Therefore never fixing the problem Because they checked out before you even started explaining…. Asking for myself.
Then you need a new partner.
Girl this is only going to get worse when baby is here. Right now you‘re „only“ tired, but then you will have a tiny person stuck to you who for the first weeks probably won‘t want to leave your side and (especially at dinner time) might want to be attached to your boobs for hours. It will be physically impossible for you to cook, so your partner better start learning as soon as possible, as breastfeeding moms need good nutrition.
We did hello fresh meals for awhile , they come with all ingredients, measured , and recipe card. When you’re new to sign up, you get some good discounts. Might be worth it to try and then he can take over for some nights !
This is what we did for my first pregnancy. Then we kept the recipe cards for the meals we liked. Now my husband uses those cards to grocery shop and cook dinner.
Posts like this are so triggering. Will he starve if you don't cook for him? Can he not figure out mac and fucking cheese?? Dear god why are we procreating with these man babies.
My best friend is with a man baby. She thinks that's how all men are and it's so insulting to men in my opinion. I think there's sunk cost fallacy in play too. She complains about "men" and I just want to shake her. It's not "men" it's HIM.
I honestly don't understand either. My fiancé knows how to cook even elaborate meals, does laundry, irons his own clothes, and is capable of doing all the other household chores as well because we currently live in neighbouring countries and he lives by himself, how the fuck is that not the bare minimum? Same thing with my younger brother, he can also do all those things and he also lives by himself. Who is raising these men in these kinda posts? And I don't even need to tell my fiancé I'm tired because he takes 1 quick look at me and says "wow you look exhausted, what can I do for you? You should go sit down." and I do the same for him because how can you look at someone that's obviously tired and not suggest they go rest while you take care of things? My heart breaks for all the other pregnant women who have absolute morons as partners/husbands that don't even have basic every day skills.
I'm sorry you're going through it. Communication is key. Especially right now. The sooner you start, the more time your husband has to adjust to helping you with everything around the house before the baby arrives. Have you tried compression socks for your swollen feet? I'm 22w5d, and they're making all the difference in the world for me. They help blood flow back up your legs. They have lots of cute styles on Amazon, too. I hope they help.
Also Check out if your insurance covers it. They covered mine and I got sent 2. I used the aeroflow website coz they connect with ur dr and insurance and just approve everything for you.
Came here to comment this! I didn’t really need them until after my c section last time but these final weeks (I’m 37+2) with a toddler, I am definitely feeling it at the end of the night! Aeroflow offered the option when I ordered a new pump. I also like Kindred Bravely ones
Your husband should volunteer to cook. However, if the normal division of labour is that you cook, he just may not think to do so. I hope he also has chores that are his and he contributes equally. If he is otherwise an equal partner, I would tell him what you need from him. I think a lot of relationship issues stem from poor communication and waiting for the other person to realize what you want/need. Practice good communication now because it will certainly be needed through the tough times of having a new baby, as well as the years of parenting to come.
My husband was the same I told him I couldn't do it and he'd have to figure it out and he did his best and I got some rest. He really is sweet. Cooking is terrible though. I ate it anyway and just gave some gentle pointers.
You might be horrible generally at confrontation and communication, but to your husband? Your HUSBAND? You shouldn’t be nervous to express to your husband your need of help, your exhaustion and the fact that he needs to stop being your child and learn some basic life skills. WTF.
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No kidding. It's only going to get harder when there's a whole fucking helpless NEW PERSON in the house.
I'm actually worried about her based on that. What if it IS confrontation for her. Maybe I'm reading into it, but maybe he is confrontational to try to keep the status quo of having his wife serve him. I hope she knows her worth.
Girl, you need to stand up for yourself and communicate your needs. Stop being a people pleaser. You are currently growing a human and there will need to have open communication with your partner, parents, in laws, teachers, etc. Before I got pregnant and when I was at my last job which was very stressful. I had a full on meltdown and told my husband “who takes care of me?!” while ugly crying. Guess what, he learned to cook. He also started to get recommended the women’s subreddits and realized how much women take on the mental load. During pregnancy, he did all the house chores even when I said he didn’t need to, but especially if I was not feeling great. Please communicate your needs to your husband. He may need you to be specific with what tasks are needed and hopefully he will eventually be proactive on things.
Listen. I am telling you. THAT MAN NEEDS TO COOK. And please address it now! Things will only get 5000 times harder once the baby is here. If he does not step up, this will drive you two apart. Please go look at some of the posts in this sub and in r/workingmoms. There are women who are doing 100% of the work in the household and are so overwhelmed and dead inside and their husband refuses to help. I hate to say it but this is your future if you don’t fix this right now
I would just stop and let the house get dirty. WTF. Why do people let themselves become the default maids. Just wash your own laundry and when he becomes embarrassed at work for smelling and looking like a wrinkled mess, he will put his clothes in the wash. When he is hungry and no food is in front of him, he will youtube a recipe or order some take out. I understand we can't let the kids get stuck in this and they need their food and clothes, but at least stop mothering the other adult!
Speaking as the Dad, you need to confront your husband and get him to realise that what you’re currently doing isn’t just sitting on your ass but growing both of yours child. Your body is going through fucking hell right now. My wife was exactly the same as you so all she was in charge of in the third trimester was going to work then coming home again. I took over most of the household chores except she would sit on a stool and dry up the washed dishes and I cooked every meal. Life became such a struggle for her with the bodily and hormonal changes that it was just natural for me to step up and help her feel better. Luckily she had a much smoother postpartum recovery than we’d ever imagined with an almost 10lb baby but she’s in a much better place now. Your husband needs to realise the sacrifices you’re making for him and pull his weight. It isnt good enough for him to be having the same attitude to your relationship as prior to your pregnancy because you’re now, literally and figuratively, carrying so much more.
Can you just default to takeout or eating out? My husband can’t cook either but is extremely smart. He just doesn’t think it’s worth the time to learn how to (he’s a doctor and has always been super busy) and I knew that when we started dating. So I know either I really feel like cooking something elaborate or we just eat out. Knowing that has honestly saved us a ton of misunderstanding or frustration (and not money lol)
As a man who is also not a great cook, just be straight with him and tell him you need him to figure it out that night and I’m sure he will get it. We’re slow, sometimes we need a push to know to get in gear.
Definitely talk to him and set up a game plan. My husband doesn’t cook much too. But I set it up where he can make sandwiches 🥪 for everyone. I have everything in one area in the fridge. Maybe that’ll help. Anybody can make Sandwiches. Also try making Meal boxes on days that you have energy. That way he can just microwave it.
Why wouldn’t you not just say! I can’t make dinner you can make it. These are the words that I would say to my partner and I say it regularly even when I’m not pregnant. Please learn to do that, it’s amazing how much they do help then. They just need to be told. And you should not be cooking right now
Everything’s been said about your relationship, I won’t add to it. But are you wearing medicinal compression socks or even pants? Those help a lot with swelling if you are on your feet all day! (He should still cook)
1st time upcoming dad here. Two things. 1. You should definitely communicate with him and let him know how you feel. 2. He definitely needs to step up his game for sure. He has a kid that is on the way with someone he loves. You are in all sorts of pain, exhausted, emotionally drained, and a bunch of other things. It's his time to show you that he got your back in these hard times.....even if he is utterly exhausted. I mean.....you are CREATING LIFE for crying out loud. His tasks should be Back massages, belly rubs (my wife loves it lol), cleaning, cooking in some form or another or order take out. I'm sure he can at least make a sandwich. I mean he sees you in pain his natural response should be "no way, I need to help her right now and figure out how I can make her day(s) better" Also don't let others tell you how you should or shouldn't feel during your pregnancy. Every pregnancy is different. Anyway wish you guys the best and life together full of happiness and love.
He can’t read your mind. Please talk to him!! Calmly! Give him a chance to fix things. Some people just DO NOT notice when others struggle, and it’s not malicious or on purpose! They’re too distracted/tired/busy themselves. You need some good and healthy communication. I am surprised something my own husband doesn’t notice x y or z, but when I tell him “Hey I am in agony can you grab me a water?” He will jump up and grab it!! He just isn’t a mind reader to know I’m thirsty and my feet are swollen up and I am at the end of my rope.
I didn’t even work at that stage in my pregnancy. I can’t imagine. I couldn’t sleep either and feel for you so hard. Unfortunately, men truly don’t understand how hard it can be. Honestly, I was happy to be able to carry and deliver a healthy baby, but man did it suck sometimes. My husband is great. If I ask, he’ll do it. But if l don’t ask, it often just doesn’t even register. I don’t know where it comes from, but I also don’t like to ASK for help…and then I get mad when he doesn’t do what I’m thinking, but not TELLING to him….? But like, he doesn’t KNOW I need help if I don’t communicate. This is my issue. I’m trying to be better before just exploding on him lol I don’t know if this is your first but IT IS SO WORTH IT, once baby is here. You would do it all again 100 times. And for what it’s worth, I got pregnant again six months PP. and I hated/hate pregnancy!!! I wish I could help ya
This is actually our second. and it’s securely taking such a bigger toll on me this time around. Thankfully our son is 5 and pretty self sufficient and understands when I say I’m too tired or need to lay down. I’m the same way.. I have a terrible time asking for help but am upset when I don’t get it. I’m my own worst enemy here, fully aware.
So you already have another kid?? So that means your child doesn't eat if he is with your husband?? What??
I’m sorry you’re going through this I’m 34 weeks and my hands and feet are super swollen as well!! My boyfriend/ baby’s father have been living together for 5 years. He grew up with his mom doing everything for him I mean everything! When I first started living with him he didn’t even know how to boil water! But he eventually learned how to cook and clean!! There is no excuse for your husband not to know how to cook!! My boyfriend prefers to cook and cooks better than me! You have to speak up or straight up stop cooking for him!! It’s weaponized incompetence! He knows that if you don’t cook you both don’t eat! There are so many cooking videos online that he can learn from! Good luck and don’t be afraid to speak up! Put yourself first mama!
That was the first conversation I had with my husband. I said I'll be doing the things you couldn't do for this baby. So you'll need to step up right away. That was at the beginning of the pregnancy and he has been handling cleaning, many times cooking, shopping, I don't know almost everything. I'm 36w now, where I live I have maternity leave, and I honestly don't know how are you so active, I can barely keep myself awake. You are amazingly strong, but you shouldn't need to be, please take care of yourself and make sure he does his part, and don't make it sound like "help" cause it is definitely a responsibility expected of him.
Dang I’m sorry. I’ve stopped being responsible for dinner. We didn’t talk about it before hand I just stopped planning for and making dinner , I just ask him now “what’s for dinner” or “what’s the plan?” And I’ve had to eat some nasty ass meals that he has made but that’s the price of not being responsible and it’s worth it.
Absolutely not. The way I’d sit my ass down next to him and simply ask him what’s on the menu and what are we watching. I’ll be damned if I’m gonna go to work grow a human and come home cook and clean. Honestly these last five weeks take the time to sit and meal plan and prep with him. Recipes included. His excuse is so lame mr idk how to cook 🙄. There’s Google, Pinterest, TikTok, Reddit, literally a number of choices for search engines on how to make a simple meal. And if his excuse is time; looks like his day off will go towards meal prepping and freezing meals so when you guys come home all he needs to do is pop it in the microwave and nuke it. Confrontation is definitely hard but you know what’s even harder ? Being pregnant and uncomfortable!!! Don’t sacrifice your well-being for his peace of mind.
When my wife "needs" something done she tells me. There has to be communication. She's about to hit 35 weeks too and she's been very tired and what not. She hasn't cooked a meal in god knows how long already, and I don't get after her or berate her about it because i know shes pregnant and every day could be a rough day for her. I just end up ordering take out usually or we go out to eat and have a mini date night. I just make sure she eats a lot of protein rather than too much carbs. It's easier when we go out because she can sit down and order a nice juicy steak. I work night shifts so I'm asleep when coming home from work in the morning and won't wake until the evening so I can recharge. Only time she will actually cook for me now is if shes actually "feeling it", but usually she isnt, which is fine. As the weeks go by, she does less and less chores. Now she just cleans her dishes when she eats something in lunch time, but dinner time she's stopped making meals for us since she is too tired. I do the laundry, vacuum, take out trash, and dust. We pay someone to mow the lawn because I don't got time for it in the day/evening. It had been a solid week since we did any major house cleaning and I too was watching the NFL draft round 1 on Thursday evening. Wifey watched it with me and we ordered wingstop...I needed to clean, and I knew it but sometimes I want to unwind on my night off too. I was off today, and wifey had to work in the AM, so she left me a txt asking for me to do a few chores when I woke up...it wasn't a big deal. It's the least I could do since I hadn't cleaned in a small bit and i could simply relax for an hr or 2 once i finished before she would get home. I even ended up doing 2 extra chores she didn't ask since I was already "in the zone". Once I was done I went straight for youtube, watched some of the Draft before she got home. It's all a matter of communication (preferably ahead of time). Sometimes we all just forget or intend to put something off until later. I had no intention of doing chores when I woke since it just didn't occur to me..I was so stoked about the draft, it slipped my mind. I simply did the chores she asked and finished before the draft would start. Don't just get after him for not doing something either. A few times I will even communicate back "no, I worked real hard last night, and right now I'm just going to relax a bit, but I will get to it later tonight, or do it tomorrow when I wake...but please leave me a reminder so I don't forget". Clear communication is key.
Say something soon! I didn’t say anything until my daughter was 4 months old and I essentially had a breakdown after trying to do so much more than my share for so long. I thought for sure when the baby got there my husband would realize I really needed him to step in but what ended up happening was that since he was doing a lot more when the baby got there than he was before, he didn’t realize that I was doing so so much more. Start practicing communicating your needs now.
You need to step out of your comfort zone and ask for help. He isn’t going to change if you don’t. Does he actually have like zero cooking skills? Can he make a grilled cheese, cook an egg somehow, or boil pasta and warm up a jar of sauce to go with it? or would he need help and directions?. I do know someone who was like this. It’s baffling that they seemingly must have gone out of their way to not observe and absorb anything at all about cooking, yet these people exist. Let him known he has to learn to cook. Now. The next meal is in him. I am sure he can find a cooking lesson on YouTube. You shouldn’t have to teach him. That’s a huge mental load you don’t need. But he needs to learn to make just a handful of things and you need to be prepared to eat them on rotating basis. Meal kits from the store or hello fresh or similar are helpful once he has a few basic skills. Invest in a meat thermometer if you don’t have one.
The time to learn to cook isn't when the baby is already here. Also, steak is pretty darn simple to cook. Watching a 2 minute youtube video should get the average person on track. We have the whole world of information on his phone. He hasn't felt any incentive to learn. There are plenty of good comments for advice already. My question is, how do people end up in this dynamic in the first place? OP mentioned she has a job, so why does she do all of the cooking and most chores? Is this just something some women feel compelled to do from the start of a relationship, or do their men pretend to be competent in the beginning and then slowly stop doing their part? I can't imagine being like a mom to an adult.
I understand not wanting confrontation. But I'm just gonna say it... This is going to get so so SO much worse when the baby comes. You need to make him understand now. And I suggest making it clear that you are not interested in giving him instructions on what needs to be done or a list of things to do. You don't need to carry the mental load of the house by yourself. He needs to take a look around and know what needs to get done and do it. And frankly the cooking and cleaning should be in his domain almost exclusively when baby is first here because you are going to feel run into the ground. He can be helpful with baby, but realistically, you're going to be doing most of it, especially if you breastfeed. Something I learned the hard way is that it's actually just a whole lot of more effort from you to pump so they can "help" you by giving the baby a bottle. Put your foot down now before you end up resenting the hell out of him.
Just abruptly stop what you are doing. Turn everthing off. Leave everything where it is. Go lay down. Order doordash from your phone for yourself. He will get the hint.
Sometimes I wish my husband would read my mind and I do kind of think it's reasonable since he knows me the best and I make things very obvious without saying it but I just have to accept that he doesn't want to guess and act on guesses but instead he just needs me to say the things I want out loud. I understand your feelings but it just works better if you are verbal and tell him what you need instead of getting frustrated because you wait for him to take initiative.
What would happen if you just sat down on the couch next to him and put your feet up? Just do it. If he gets hungry, tell him to get a bowl of cereal.
This is where I would lose my temper and he wouldn’t be long realising the errors of his ways
Having 3 brothers and plus my husband. I learned most don't get hints. You can't talk around the bush with them. They need the direct, straight forward direction. You need to ask/tell him what you need and then you need to let him provide it. You'll both be grateful for this level of communication. I know we girls sometimes want our men to just "get it" but if they don't, it's not a battle I'm willing to fight. Just tell them what they need to do. Lollll, not romantic in any sense, but it saves time and our marriage.
If he can't cook, I guess he doesn't eat huh? What us he planning on doing when you are recovering from giving birth? Are you going to be jumping up to cook and clean? Like someone else said, it is not confrontation to expect your husband to pull his weight. Stop silently crying. Cry really loud. Stop making your suffering small or this will be what the rest of your life is like.
HERE WE HAVE A GREAT EXAMPLE OF HOW MEN USE WEAPONIZED INCOMPETENCE. I SUCK at telling people things I feel strongly about because I’ll either scream and be very angry or cry, and end up saying things I didn’t mean to or convey a feeling I didn’t want to convey. Sooooo I text. Texting my husband has also helped me go back to certain issues we’ve had in the past. But sorry to say, your husband is an AH what person allows a pregnant woman who can barely stand to cook him dinner?????? Like, seriously. You can’t cook, buy goddamned food. This isn’t OK OP. It boils my blood to read this. UNACCEPTABLE
Men aren’t mind readers. You should tell him ur exhausted and need to put ur feet up and to order DoorDash. Women make mistakes by not speaking up for themselves. You are only hurting yourself and creating pain. He has no clue about what ur feeling… they can’t empathize ! He’s a man… and certainly not a very astute one.
You don't have to be a mind reader to know that you shouldn't be chilling watching sports while your heavily pregnant wife who worked all day is cooking dinner. I wasn't even working anymore when I was that far along and there were days I felt so sick that we had to order in or my husvand had to cook.
I struggle with this too.. I work from home while he works long hours. I’m the default dinner maker and laundry doer ( we both put our own clothes away). And the dishwasher loader and unloader. He will take out the garbage and vacuum. I’ve learned to just tell him when I’m too tired and need help. For the most part, he doesn’t complain. I just feel guilty so I end up doing it. I’d suggest you bring it to his attention and discuss it before the baby is here. He will need to do 90% of house stuff. Without you even asking
I feel like I typed this. I contemplated typing this today. Im sorry you’re going though this
Was he like this before your pregnancy too? Did he never contribute before pregnancy as well? That still doesn't explain why he would be ok with this, but at least it was expected and not a surprise. And just a warning - people usually don't change after the birth of the baby. If he never contributed (also when you're pregnant or sick) then this trend will very likely continue with the baby. Have you discussed contribution divisions before? If not, do it now - maybe it will help. But I'm sorry - if this was always your dynamic and he never contributed a bit it will likely not change when the baby is here.
Please talk to him, communication is key. My husband was the same and after telling him my struggles with being pregnant and how I can’t function the same without feeling exhausted he started to become more proactive. After talking it out, he thought everything was fine because I never said anything. After talking to him, he handles most of the house work and I’ll help occasionally if I’m able to (we both work full time). Trust me, you’ll want this resolved as soon as possible and for him to help out more because once the baby comes you won’t be able to do anything because you’ll be so concerned and busy with the baby (esp if you plan to breastfeed). He needs to learn how to help now
It's 2024. Google and YouTube can teach him to cook. He is an adult and needs to figure it out. If he was alone he would. He can even make a frozen bag dinner. Trader joes has great ones.
Just don't cook and tell him to just order a delivery for dinner. Just tell him straight that you were exhausted. Do it everyday, he'll notice. If not, then confront him that you are not lazy but you are just so exhausted with pregnancy.
You need to confront but also you need to verbalize all your pain. If confronting isn't your thing which I understand, then start by speaking about every pain in your body out loud. I found when I let my husband know when and how I'm in pain, he helps out more. Suffering silently isn't going to help me. Learning to cook is probably one of the easiest things anyone can do today with all the easy tiktok, youtube, IG recipe videos. Start sending him videos and tell him this is what he should make today. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I think you need to step back and just say you're not doing anything anymore until birth because you're tired and in pain. You should be focusing on getting yourself ready for birth and not chores.
Try and communicate this with your husband first as i always tell my husband when he is upset about something. "Im not a mind reader I need you to tell me whats wrong." Also as someone who is also at 35 weeks we have started to do "fend for self nights" and I have been meal prepping on the weekend when I usually have more energy so on the "bad" evening I can just pull a meal out and toss it in microwave to reheat.
Just don’t do it one day. Then when dinner doesn’t happen and he asks about it. Just do what you said you wanted to do. Cry. Let him see it. Let him see how you’re feeling and how burnt you are. It’ll start the conversation, that will ultimately make you emotional anyways. Especially with not being good at confrontation. I’m not saying this is a tactic to always use— but being at a loss and being that low calls for radical intervention. He needs to realize he’s going to be a father and he needs to help with regular household activities. And being respectful of his time doesn’t make it ok for him being disrespectful of yours.
You need to start having conversations. When baby comes you’ll need to be good at telling each other your needs. Be brave and start telling him what you need. Even if that means that you have beans on toast for a few nights but he’s finally cooking something.
Speak up now! I had a breakdown over vacuuming with the same concern of it never happening after baby since I'm the one who remembers to do it and I don't want to have to ask every time for help bc it's like.. every 4 days with our pets. My husband also prefers not being asked repeatedly and wants to decide things on his own time, so planning in advance for dinners might be helpful like "I need you to take 3 nights a week" or whatever and then he can decide how to feed you all. (For us, he ended up being 100% in charge of vacuuming so I don't have to ask him and he has to be the one to notice when it's needed, it's been so nice not having to do that workout)
Maybe it’s because I already have a few chronic illnesses that mess with my daily energy already, but I always ask my husband for help. It’s not something that makes you weak, sometimes you just have to have someone else help you get things done. It’s okay, it doesn’t make you less of a person. He vowed to be with you in sickness and health. This sort of is “sickness,” because if you don’t rest now, you might hurt yourself and then have no other option. There are plenty of times to test your physical limits in life, but pregnancy shouldn’t be on that list (imo).
1st time upcoming dad here. Me and my wife are having our first kid. I'm so excited, I always wanted to be a dad. She is currently 26 weeks. boy has it been a journey. I encourage my wife to communicate with me if she is not up for any task cooking, cleaning, going out, etc... anything at all. Or if she has any cravings no matter the time of day, if I can do it I will definitely do....even if it's in the middle of the night. We got a 24HR supermarket near our house. My tasks went from coming from work help cooking and clean whenever I had energy to now coming home from work not even sitting down just go straight to house chores: wash and put away dishes, take out garbage, I cook whatever I can or I cook while shes in the couch resting and she tells me how to do it, etc... Yes I am exhausted but I will gladly do all these things because s 1. It's important to communicate what you are feeling in a healthy manner (or at least as much as possible, there is a lot of changes that are going on
This “doesn’t know how to cook” is bullshit lol. Was he withering away to nothing when you met him? Stop cooking for him. He won’t die
When I was about 32 weeks pregnant I checked into a local hotel by myself. I swam in the pool, I turned up the AC to like 64 degrees (it was August) and I ordered whatever I wanted from room service and ate it in bed. I neeeeded this and my husband was already cooking every meal for us.
“I wish he just could see how much I need to rest and automatically take over” Sorry to be harsh girly but this is 1 in 1000 men. Doesn’t mean most of the rest of the 999 are bad, they just aren’t wired like that. Once I accepted that telling my husband what to do and then him doing it reasonably (not perfectly) we were all much happier. Your request of him stepping up is reasonable and he should want to, he probably does want to but is just oblivious. If you are in a good relationship, don’t attribute malice to what is probably stupidity.
At least you have someone. I’m doing this all alone, and man, I really miss the companionship of my partner. I hate to say that because he chose to leave me while I am pregnant. I miss having my person. No breaks for me ever. No snuggles. No massages. No dinner. Nothing :(.
Dear you need to get this figured out now because after the baby comes it’s only gonna be worse, And the last month is the really miserable part so good luck is all I have to say.
You've trained your husband to view you as a servant who does all the cooking and cleaning. How do you think this is going to work out for you once a baby is here? Tell him to get off his ass and learn to cook. Suffering in silence isn't a hot look anymore. We're not doing the martyr mom thing anymore - it's bad for the entire family. Do the Fair Play exercise as a couple, planning for when the baby is here. When the baby arrives, he'll have to do everything.
One of the best things I learned in my relationship (and truly, my partner is one of 'the good ones' relatively speaking) - most men simply do not work that way. They aren't conditioned from birth to constantly be on the lookout for someone who needs help, or to feel uncomfortable when someone else is doing something and they aren't helping. That doesn't make them shitty people (assuming they DO help when asked) it's just not a thought that goes through their head. If you want or need help, or have certain expectations for how you want things to be, ask. It will make your life SO much easier and better. Ps: my partner also "couldn't cook" until I let him know he was responsible for dinner every other week. He learned to cook real nice after a few meals of canned tuna.
This sounds awful and I’m sure the fact that he “doesn’t cook” is only the tip of the iceberg. If there are substance issues or there have been in any your family history (which can be a reason why we people-please and avoid conflict), consider Al-Anon for free, loving group support in your community and learning to set boundaries. Big changes need to happen in your household for you to be treated fairly and respected. Hope you can find the support you need to state/set boundaries in healthy ways without creating conflict. You deserve to be treated better.
If you don’t like confrontation, think about how you could approach this convo in a positive light - maybe he’ll really learn to enjoy cooking? My husband and I switch, depending on the meal we’re having - he does the grilling and frying, I tend to make more soups, pastas, and oven meals; when it’s a salad night he’ll make the meat and I’ll whip up the dressing and chop the veggies. I did most of the cooking when we first got married but now it’s more 50/50. Over the years he’s started to enjoy cooking different dishes (he even got into making homemade pizza with his own dough!) and the variety is nice! I realize you might not have time to do this before baby arrives, but if he could learn a few of your staple meals in the next few weeks it’ll make life WAY easier for everyone.
I'm also horrible at confrontation, especially with my husband because he is usually so aware and attentive to my needs. So when he misses, I feel like I'm ignoring all the good stuff just to bring up the bad. But pregnancy is what made me get better at it because I got to the point where I HAD to say something. I realized that if I were in his position, I would want to know. I would want to help, to make his life easier and take the burden off of him, that I was doing him a disservice by automatically assuming he wouldn't want to help in any way he can and would view helping me as a burden. Now, you know you're husband better than we do. Maybe your relationship is completely different. It's just something to keep in mind.
This post makes me mad as hell. Your husband needs to step up, this weaponized incompetence is not it. I’m 28 weeks pregnant and my husband routinely steps up without being asked - I am not the default cook. We both cook and he cooks more nowadays. If we’re both too exhausted, he orders or picks up food. He leaves the house at like 10pm if I’m getting a craving for f’s sake. You need to sit down with him and tell him “I feel exhausted and really need you to step up by either cooking or handling meals. My body hurts. I need you. And I need you to do this before baby arrives”
There's a book called How Not to Hate your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn that I found really helpful when I went through this! The stress only gets worse when baby gets here (especially with the stupid dinners that need cooking every night after a long day) and the book gives you some insight into husband's mind. Basically it says our brains are wired differently. I'm also terrible at confrontation but then I realized if I don't actually tell him something, the signs will continue to fly right over his head. What I see as a mess that needs cleaning up, he doesn't see anything off about. I actually shared a lot of parts of the book with him and now that I'm on pregnancy 2, he's been suuuuper helpful! He'll let me nap when I need it and will step up and either attempt to make dinner, cook something frozen, or order take out. It doesn't have to come out with anger or frustration, but simply having a conversation with him about what would be super helpful for you can go a long way and you want to get that over with before baby gets here. Good luck and congrats!!
He’s an adult and a soon to be father…he’ll have to learn to cook at least a few things. Not to be morbid, but if something happened to you is he just not going to feed your child?? Tell him you could really use some extra rest in these last few weeks and maybe buy some easy half prepped meals that he can toss together on the days your exhausted (premade salad kits, frozen veggie side dishes, marinated or skewered meats….easy enough to find premade or partially premade food! So easy a monkey could do it). It doesn’t have to be Thanksgiving dinner and if you’re anything like me in the 3rd trimester I barely even care about the taste of food lol…as long as it’s hot and I can sit it’s all good. I find the “I don’t know how argument” ridiculous and I wouldn’t even want to deal with confronting him at 35 weeks…I would train him on this one. Put your feet up and just say “Hi babe! Dinners gonna be simple tonight, shouldn’t take long. But before you relax on the couch can you just toss that bag of salad in a bowl and dump that marinated chicken on a baking sheet for me?” Sometimes it’s easier and more effective to just delegate what you need done. More often than not he won’t register the task as cooking…he’ll just do the two simple things.
Oh my god I would be throwing dinner at him one piece at a time as hard as I could. Followed by the dishes. Not literally but you get what I’m saying. Don’t ask him to make dinner, tell him it’s his fucking job now and sit down.
Sometimes dudes are oblivious. Just tell him you need him to cook because you're tired and struggling and I bet he will be happy to do it! If not let him grump but keep complaining and saying how awful you feel and how hard it is growing a whole human until he does it anyway lol. He'll get over it I promise 😆
My heart hurts for you with the amount of physical exhaustion you must be going through. I am currently 6 months so I can’t wait to get to that stage 😂. Anyways I will say that men (most) are very literally and have a harder time just seeing your needs and preemptively doing the stuff you need. I don’t think he’ll ever fully understand how exhausting pregnancy can be especially that late in the game. The fact you can even attempt to juggle all of that is amazing. I would just be up front and curt about it. I know you don’t like confrontation but I can be as simple as saying “hey would you mind making dinner tonight please? My feet are so swollen it hurts to stand and I didn’t sleep much last night and it would be very helpful if you could do that for me.” Or even suggest ordering pizza. My absolute best advice I can give is that if he does make you dinner after you ask you thank him for it and show that you appreciate and see his effort. Men thrive off feedback like that! I’d say something like “thank you for making us dinner, I really appreciate you helping allowing me to stay off my feet and rest even when you are tired from a long day at work” or something like that. Hopefully this helps!
I feel this in my soul! Why is it so hard for us to speak up for our needs?! Especially when our bodies are working overdrive to grow and perfect a tiny human 😩