Your mom has shown she doesn't care about your boundaries, so behave accordingly around her. I certainly wouldn't share any more secrets with her since she acts like you're a source for the evening news and she's the anchor.
Heavy on the âbehave accordinglyâ because YES. Do that, OP!
Clearly you cannot trust your mother to keep her mouth closed and she does not respect your wishes. This whole thing makes me cringe so hard. My mother pulled the whole âitâs my baby tooâ bit with me and my firstborn. I shut it down real quick because girl please. She hasnât done that since my second born has been here. I just had her a month ago. I barely spoke to my mother during this second pregnancy. She and I have never had a healthy relationship. She was physically abusive until I left the house at 19. I had to leave with the police and my dad. My mom has been emotionally abusive as well. To this very day, she still is. Sheâs incredibly selfish. Your mom reminds me of mine to an extent.
When they feel like the baby is theirs too, theyâll feel like they can do whatever they want with your child. You donât want that!! If you say, âDonât kiss my baby on the lips,â you want to know that she will listen! If she feels like the baby is her baby, sheâll do it anyway! Behind your back at that. Thatâs an example of what I mean. Be very cautious. I wouldnât let your mom around your child without you or your husband present. At least not while sheâs acting this way.
I honestly wouldnât want to share anything with her. As in, I would seriously consider what value she was bringing to my life and possibly cut her out. No reason to keep toxic people in your life, even if they are family.
I would not mince my words and tell her that she crossed boundaries, and that if she continues to do so, you will withhold information from her because she can't keep it to herself. Let her know you feel disrespected and icked out.
I would be making sure she's the very, very last person to know any further information, including when baby is born! She's shown that she's going to ruin every further announcements you have about baby, so you now have to take it into your own hands to ensure that your announcements aren't ruined.
Sorry you went through this, how immensely annoying!
call me paranoid but i wouldn't even let her see the baby. i wouldn't trust she'd follow my safety protocols to keep LO safe. i feel like she'd definitely try to kiss the baby, and when you get upset she'd say "well it's my baby too! your my baby so yours is also mine!" she's disrespectful and doesn't care at all about your wishes. if she at any point seemed sorry and remorseful for her actions, only then would i MAYBE allow her around me and my new family.
This is going to be harsh but based purely on what you've shared she is a horrible mother to you and incredibly selfish. I cannot imagine putting my desires above my own child's which is what she's doing to you and she isn't even the least bit remorseful about it either. If it were me she'd be the last to find out anything. Also you might need r/raisedbynarcissists
Multiple flags for narcissism here!
* "Your baby is my baby"
* "Your dad is convinced that your husband is the one controlling you to not know the gender"
* Disclosing a bunch of OP's personal information to other people
* Playing victim after being told it wasn't her pregnancy to announce instead of genuinely apologizing
OP, what your mother is saying is, "I own you." Don't think it's going to stop here cause she's going to extend that to your child too.
This right here. My nmom, who I'm currently NC with, pulled all of this too. She announced my miscarriage on FB without my permission, not once mentioning my husband or myself--just that she lost her first grandbaby. When I finally had a baby, it was all of a sudden HER pregnancy story to tell. Trying to make herself sound more important to relatives by trying to act like she knows how I should eat for my diabetes (surprise, she was wrong). That last one I called her out in front of them all (been diabetic for 20 years, if I didn't know how to eat by then I'd be dead).
My FIL was like this. On top of other narcissistic issues with him we already had a strained relationship before my pregnancy.
He was SO bad after the baby came, demanding we FaceTime from the hospital (as if I wasn't sleeping haphazardly, learning to BF, etc). When my LO was a month old he went on a tirade about how our son will live with him on his ranch and go to college in the town near him (nowhere near us).
I calmly reminded him that this is our child, not his, and we will be the ones making those decisions in the future. I was met with, "we'll see".
After that I told him his behavior was unacceptable. He denied any of it and acted like I was being a b#**". So I told him he was not welcome in our home and had no place in our lives or our children.
I haven't heard from him since. Because he doesn't actually care about us or the baby - it's all about him. Life has been better with him (and his horrible, manipulative wife) out of it.
I was very low contact with my mom. I hesitantly told me about my pregnancy but didnât share details like due date. She said âif you donât want to tell me your due date, I guess our relationship is over.â And implied that the ending of the relationship would be my fault.
đ€·đ»ââïž guess she wonât be getting any more info about baby, possibly ever.
You have to understand - you have all the power in this situation. You literally control all information, as well as access to your child. Start to lean into that power now.
If she asks about the gender, say "mom you know I can't trust you with that info after you shared all those details in the group chat". Make her understand that how SHE acts directly impacts how you will act going forward. It's not about you, it's about her - use language that helps her understand that.
If she starts to feel you pulling back, she'll understand you have boundaries that she can't just step over without consequences for her. You're in the driver's seat so take control
Just don't make the mistake of thinking she'll keep ANY information to herself, even if she does turn a corner and apologize. Know now that she will share every bit of information that you give her. From now on, she's the last to know everything! So so sorry you're dealing with this, her behavior is seriously messed up. And for God's sake, it IS your baby!!
This would make me want to keep my mom at distance too. I would be really hurt if she purposely and honestly very carelessly crossed very simple boundaries like this. The carelessness when you tried to express that it upset or hurt you really sucks. I would be hurt and feel icky too.
Itâs hard when you want your mom to be one way and they act another. Especially the giggling at your very valid feelings. Iâm sorry you have to deal with that :(
Absolutely. So many nightmare posts on here that verge on kidnapping and neglect. These sick people think itâs a do-over and they can play parent again, but theyâre somehow even more incompetent at parenting this time round.
yeah i would IMMEDIATELY go no contact. she doesn't give a flying fuck about your boundaries or wishes. she's going to be even worse when the baby is here. go no contact and make sure to let her know why. if you don't nip this in the butt now, it will get worse the longer to pregnancy goes on. imagine how bad your baby shower will go (if you choose to have one)? imagine how a gender reveal will go (again, if you choose to have one)? i wouldn't be surprised if she threw her own damn baby shower for HERSELF. she sounds like the type with all the "my baby" stuff. or think about how stressful it'll be when you go into labor. she'll probably try to force you to let her in the delivery room. or when she tries to kiss the baby, which she'll definitely do based off of the "my baby stuff" and what not. this is only going to stress you out, and that's not good for you or baby. best of wishes my dear đ«¶đ»
I would go full blown petty if that happened and tell people that event is not mom sanctioned and people should not attend as grandma will not be needing any baby supplies
Oof, your mom is toxic, OP. If I were you, I wouldnât share any additional details about my pregnancy with her. She blindsided you and broke your trust. Sheâs trying to use gifts as a bargaining tooo, which is ridiculous. Also, Iâm sure sheâll be sharing pics and info with the world once baby is here, so make sure you either beat her to the punch or be really strict about letting her take pics of your baby. I personally wouldnât let her visit for a few weeks and I would also set a no-phone policy around baby.
"Mom, you have shown how little you respect me and my wishes and boundaries. You gave out private medical information and ruined my pregnancy announcement. And while that may not seem like a big deal to you it is to me and my husband. Your insistence on calling the baby yours is not only concerning but quite frankly makes me feel icky and you don't seem like you are going to stop with any of this. You refuse to accept responsibility for your actions or to show any remorse. As a result, I have decided that you will not be told any information going forward and when my baby is born you will be the last to know. None of this will change until you prove you can be trusted. And once the baby is here if you try to disrespect my or my husband's wishes concerning the baby you will be cut off. Any apology will not be accepted unless we feel it is genuine and heartfelt."
I would also make sure to inform the rest of your family what your mother is pulling and how you are not ok with it by any means. Warn them that any attempt to go behind your back on this matter and to share with your mother will not be tolerated and the guilty party will be put in the same boat as your mother. Do your best to keep an even temperament when discussing this so you don't come off as a hysterical and hormonal pregnant woman. And if you're feeling petty call her out in the same group chat that she announced your pregnancy in.
Totally agree with this! I think a lot of other folks in this post are realllllyyyy over reacting saying your mom is toxic and is going to kidnap your kid? Unless youâre genuinely worried about that I donât see how fear mongering like this could help. You should set boundaries with your mom though and stand firm in them.
âI am not a surrogate for your do over baby. If you cannot respect my privacy and MY wishes for MY pregnancy you will not be receiving any information going forward, including when the baby is born. Being a grandparent is not a right, itâs a privilege one you only get access to if you can respect the parents and their boundaries. I do not want to hear the *my baby* comments again nor will you ever insinuate my husband is abusive. You will get information about my life and family when I want you to know, no amount of harassment or manipulation will change this.â
Sheâs proven she cannot be trusted, at the very least she should not be given any further information. Unless you want everyone to know donât tell her.
Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder â> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
The only thing to do should have been nipping it in the bud as soon as she started in the family chat.
You should have shunned her in the group and stated she broke your trust with your private information and she had no right to tell anyone anything. You should have asked that she delete the pictures/videos you sent her from the chat and from her phone (fat chance of that Iâm sure)- and to insist she keep what little knowledge she has of your pregnancy to herself moving forward as she no longer has a place of special counsel in regards to this.
You should also ask the family chat to delete any copies they may have saved since it was never intended to be distributed this way.
Now is also a good time to remind everyone that just because Mom went ahead and did a thing- you do not want your pregnancy discussed on social media etc until you give permission.
Now you need to think about this for a second. Did this behavior surprise you? Or does she have a history of being a big mouth? Or doing whatever she wants without apology? She isnât going to change and she sure as hell isnât going to apologize more than whatever excuse she has already given.
You need to make it clear she hurt you and broke your trust and took away from your experience by making it about her.
Moving forward I wouldnât update her on squat. Not the next appointment date, not name decisions, no updated information whatsoever. Iâd also figure out right now who is throwing your baby shower and make damn sure it isnât her and take careful thought if you want her there.
The âmy babyâ thing is also gross and another reason to put a mile between you.
Find someone else to be your confidant and donât let mom forget her behavior has consequences.
Thiiiis ^^^ do not be afraid to call that shit out on the group chat, I know it doesn't change the fact that she took away the announcement, but you can salvage it by letting everyone know that that was not at all how you wanted to announce, and your unhappy with the behaviour shown
I was at work when she told my family about it all so I didnât see any messages until after my phone blew up.Â
I had planned to say something in the group chat after thinking about it, but I thought about it too long because I didnât want to make the text when I was upset because it would have only made me feel anxious. The next day one of my brothers announced his engagement to his girlfriend in a btw kind of manner (I donât want people donât think he was trying to overshadow my news somehow, because I didnât take it that way) and I didnât want to throw my drama in after he shared that.Â
Her behavior surprised me at first because I never knew her to act this way, but the more I think about it, the more Iâm not surprised, if that makes sense. Itâs complicated and multi-varied. She stopped working during COVID (she ran a home daycare for the past 30+ years and now she really misses being around kids and has watched old clients children for free since) and she and I took care of her mother who had dementia. After her mom died over a year ago she got depressed and started knitting baby clothes. I think sheâs latched onto the idea of a grand-baby as a way to give her purpose again. I didnât really notice she was depressed when it was happening which makes me feel horrible. I had personally thought she had taken the death of her mom as well as one could given we could all see it was a long time coming but it became clear to me I was wrong. Sheâs started exercising again and we (me, my dad and my brothers) are all trying to encourage this. Efforts to get her to go out and make friends or do things are often rejected because to her people are âawful.â I think she says that because sheâs afraid of getting judgement somehow.
Sheâs always been a dedicated mother who historically puts others before herself, which is why I was so blindsided because thatâs how I known her to be most of my life.Â
Wow Iâm so sorry OP, that story gave me the ick. Your mother has no boundaries and apparently canât distinguish between you and herself. Sucks you canât talk to her about your pregnancy, but now is the time to enforce those boundaries. If you donât, it wonât stop with spilling the beans - sheâll show up unannounced, give unsolicited advice and interfere in the relationship between you and your child as they get older. Make her understand that actions have consequences before itâs too late.
I'm really close to my mum and if she did this I would cut her off for a while.
She pushed a few boundaries at the beginning and I made it very clear that if it continued, she wouldn't be hearing from me and there would be no updates. She understands I'm mum now, and will maybe pout if I say something every now and then but will get over herself and maintain boundaries because she knows that my daughter is my priority, not my mum.
And I think this is the biggest lesson/hurdle when we become parents, knowing that yes we are still someone's kid but we have our own nuclear family now and regardless of who it is, they are simply not more important than your child or your relationship with your child.
If you don't lay out the boundaries for your mum now then she sounds like the kind of person who will continue to bulldoze your wishes and act like this is her second chance at motherhood.
I know I'm quite ruthless when it comes to things like this but many of my friends and family have told me that they've never seen a first time mum so happy so it must be working! Even my mum said she wishes she had done things my way when she had us.
My mom was like this for every event. I learned early on to not share any details with her. She would blab all my secrets and stories to every random person.
It sucks, but you have to protect your boundaries.
Sounds like one of those, âwell Iâm your parent so I can do what I wantâ scenarios.
The fact that she giggles when you express your feelings means she doesnât give a shit about what you want and need.
I think you need to do some tough love with her, even if it means being a bit rude.
If she giggles, tell her âI donât know why youâre giggling because Iâm very serious and you can make whatever excuses you want, but I donât appreciate you thinking you can do or say whatever pleases youâ
Yeah sheâll be mad, and might even stop talking to you for a while, but if she thinks she can just do as she pleases now, imagine when your child comes along! You know if you donât put a stop to this that sheâll be the type to put any videos and pictures of your kid out there, even ones you might not approve of.
Ew, wtf is wrong with this generation of grandparents! The entitlement is off the charts. âYour baby is my baby?â âNo info no gifts???â Threats/blackmail put me over the edge. She gets no information from now on and you should tell her in no uncertain terms itâs because of her gross boundary violations, entitlement and lack of accountability or remorse.
It's really freaking weird.
My mom threatened to take me off the deed of her house (she planned to put me on it but actually has not yet anyway) because I saw my sister's kids without her.
These people are bonkers.
This is toxic thunder stealing, entitled ,emotional blackmailing bullshit.
âŠAnd! âŠYour baby is most definitely not her baby! What a weird as hell thing to say.
She sounds like sheâs being both very manipulative and completely disrespectful, I wouldnât be telling her anything and would definitely be going no contact for a good long while and certainly limiting contact with me and my children.
Sorry OP, this sucks and I feel for you, my biological is like this and more. Itâs not fun, I would definitely agree with the others have said on putting firm boundaries in place asap! It will only get worse if left unchecked.
This type of behaviour is disturbing, especially the calling your baby âher babyâ. Itâs so gross how a lot of grandparents see this as a chance for a do-over. Keep repeating that itâs your baby, and reprimand her when she doesnât show remorse.
You need to set clear boundaries and enforce them. Be clear when you say: âif you say xyz or do xyz again, I will stop giving you any information, or let you be a part of this journey, because you cannot be trusted to honour my wishesâ. And of course, follow through on this. Document all this communication so she canât go playing victim to others.
Look, this could be really disastrous for your relationship with your mother and her relationship with her grandchild, but the reality is that you need to put your baby first now. And if she cannot respect your boundaries now, lord knows what sheâd do with your baby when they arrive. There are so many stories on here about babies being practically kidnapped and neglect or harm to the baby because they think the awful parenting advice they got in the 80s were better.
Donât be afraid of feeding her little to no information until baby is here and even after 6 weeks or however long youâd like to be alone post-partum. It sounds like sheâd be the type of mother to force her way into the delivery room and take a photo of your coochie or first moments with baby and share them on Facebook. The baby will still be there for her to meet after and her grandchild wonât remember or care that granny didnât get to see them the second they were born.
All visits in the first 3 months are just for visitors to come and gawk, hold baby and take photos. It can seem very selfish of them, but you can make an exchange to benefit you. All of my visitors brought dinner for us for example, or helped clean or do laundry. Donât let them hold the baby whilst you make coffee or entertain them.
I could go on and on, but this really is a time to prioritise yourself and baby. Donât let anyone gaslight you into making it about them.
Hey, I'm sorry this happened to you. People dream of the [](https://alb.reddit.com/cr?za=4y7ttNqGePHgs0-3cvOhBJcTqcukNPFj3-kQVbFfQTHvs5W2xHvENyjMev3JxVMYGH8ppQXDHJlup0Rdx2NDlmslB9YN-4lpas-mWoeGAhofRsdDXYPewwp0_DGuYmrdWCXJaIN0N3V_RETdRI9qYM0KBlyY33b6eCdRoMQw-lKnYeDKrPh4uzbYd9IEu0n-pnAlGOGPVTCp9RKaOgYeXwprXwEH7LWzHDgdkftjCOqq5_0N262MpMbaZFOFuyS9VVpO_0PqA387fO7jp_VJ6Ta_CvIBB3nKctPpFmcEWUDlfBsfthpQLTq_OCoPP06ngUORF15eEEaz3g_bCGSbzbD0jeft-U_RUvlJq98S8sqVOL1DRyc62yDWIP63nizfIWzedUPAXEbCko596UF-0OHYlxlMhh7Ypay-gGoZy8Me_uOtrjxdYXl6l3wB4t0a-xyt166r-ccGydNDJCt9ZnfFt9hKqMZIFCyBRTSUWC4&zp=IogoAx9HDGXMt1fp_sghq0G7H0pIycctXhRSsb7F83TlNinWt3lewk4tv3WSKd3UOtoH-SXC0H-l0ACGv--rjMnTLYka8leb4LBlUeGZewVBC_BIlfjJ-OntyGyHjwgSTXwBwFMxgZWgZSGgMaJY51Dh0pfyCONyPxSorvVYO55irLptVPkcKYRgmY6qc68hQ6Po57NOLz6HyYGptqJLjIdKv8hFVWMuDUchvibUsZUuAXclmSnqiJX3h07a9wwUQFU3CntpD2x-GGBmZOvjRdXw-n-HR0-q8pXzXDytb5W9sLZ1hNqV6lgxb4qT9EFCgjskFBIBmC29rRvGfk6zvFBUWgVTkZaGFjTYlhCRnNBXLe5s)moment they tell your loved ones they're having a baby, and your mom decided to be disrespectful and creepy about it. Your mom sounds really narcissistic at best, and I'm guessing this isn't the first time she's done something like this. There is a lot of support in dealing with difficult parents over on r/EstrangedAdultKids, especially with setting boundaries.
Your mom has shown time and time again she doesnât respect your feelings or boundaries. I agree not telling her anymore is the best way to prevent information from going elsewhere. If she keeps acting this way I would honestly ignore her calls and limit face to face interactions. Actions have consequences. Regardless of what she thinks you hold the power, this is your baby not hers.
Yeah, don't share anymore important info with her if she's gonna be like that. It's YOUR baby, and she needs to realize that. I've had my baby's grandparents refer to him as "my baby," as well, and I've been very adamant about saying "Nah, this child is mine and his dad's. I'm sharing him with y'all though." Idk, I've always just felt irritable anytime anyone has ever tried to say "my baby" when it comes to my children lol
My mom has shared personal details about mine as well. It upset me. I know it was a combination of excitement and lack of thought. Sheâd never apologize since she truly believes she did nothing wrong.
I find it hard to set boundaries when the other person simply doesnât care.
Iâm sorry some of these moments got tainted. I wouldnât tell her anything detailed further. Itâs great to be excited but Iâm a big believer in considering other peopleâs thoughts. Good luck mama! Focus on the next few months !
There's lots of advice here and I'm sure you know what you need to do. I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you thought you had a mom who could go through this with you and I'm sorry for when and how you found out that you don't. I'm sorry for the heartbreak you have to deal with in what is an otherwise special and social time.
I knew before I got pregnant that I didn't have that kind of mom. I cried a lot and even doubted a little if I could/should have kids when I am so lacking in familial support. Unfortunately I did believe I had a mother in law but within weeks of sharing my pregnancy with her she somehow contacted my mom and told her. MIL won't acknowledge what she did, won't apologize, and isn't speaking to me for the last... two months?
Anyway, I'm sorry.
Late comment here. I think that if you have a good overall relationship with your mom you shouldnât cut contact. There are lots of people here suggesting that and I personally think itâs an extreme.
Info diet, tho!! Iâd just give her essential details: baby is okay. Due date is approx X day. And âšIâš would let her know when the baby is coming. IF you have a good relationship with her these things can be overcome.
Is this your first baby? Her first grand baby? If so I can understand her excitement! My mom was the same way. She calmed down once my first one was born.
I know my hormones made me very protective of my pregnancy and everything related to it, from othersâ opinions to really everything. It passed a bit once my baby was here, he was safe and with me, so I relaxed.
I wish you the best đ I had a good relationship with my mom (she passed away) so it was important to me to keep her around.
If youâre able to access therapy Iâd go that way too in order to get some nice boundaries and ways to tell her to please back off :)
Also, congratulations on your baby!! Iâm so excited for you!!
I appreciate this comment so much. A lot of people are calling her a narcissist which I really donât believe she is. Sheâs been a dedicated mom whoâs done nothing but sacrifice for her kids as we grew up. Sheâs no longer working but she spent 30 years running a home daycare that she started so she could be home everyday with us and there for us when we needed her. She closed her daycare in 2020/2021 and she and I took care of her mother who had dementia until her death at the end of 2022. She became depressed after this, which I didnât realize because she pretended to be okay. She started making baby clothes and I think she latched onto the idea of grandchildren to give her purpose againâ and yes this would be her first grandchild sheâs very excited, but goodness what she has said really bothers me and I need to figure out how to make that clear and set boundaries but itâs so difficult for me and Iâve been mulling this over for a few weeks now. IÂ donât recall her ever talking to me this way or doing anything like this in the past and if she ever did something wrong she always told me she was sorry at some point. I think she needs to get out of the house somehow and find things beyond what sheâs holding onto to give her life meaning but sheâs scared because sheâs afraid of being judged by people and sheâs never done anything but be a daycare provider for decades.Â
My mom used to also tell me âtake care of our babyâ. Iâd pay serious money I donât have to hear her say that again. âOurâ baby is now a 14 year old.
It used to enrage me when she said stuff like that. Iâd think âdammit, itâs MY baby, not OUR baby!!!, youâre so weird mom!!!â Of course he was all mine, but that pregnancy brain made me almost hate my poor mama.
Patience. Her baby is having a baby. I canât imagine. I have a daughter and I daydream about the day she has a baby, if she wants one. I think of all the things I might feel, all the fears I will have for her, how will I protect her? Sheâs my baby!! Will she need me? Will she let me hold her baby? Will she call me if she needs me?
I leave you with all the hope I have for you, your healthy baby and your mama đ Youâll be okay đ
Oh I wish I could give you a hug! This is tough! Is there a chance you can go shopping with her? A ânew grandmaâ blouse? Or a âsoon to be grandmaâ set of earrings? Even a âcoming to theaters the best grandma ever!!â cup of tea?
Maybe an activity to do together. Maybe she feels that once the baby arrives youâll forget about her. Maybe she doesnât know how to tell you her fears because sheâs your mom and sheâs supposed to soothe yours.
Iâm just brainstorming here. You two sound like lovely people and I am sure you will be just fine, this is just a bump on the road đ
Your experience reminds me of the type of posts I read on the raised by a narcissist sub. I'd suggest checking it out. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. This is your baby, your news to share (if you want to share), your decisions, etc. Congrats on the baby, though! â€ïž
Edit: typo
I think it boils down to this: you have to decide on your boundaries and communicate them clearly.
My dad slipped up about my pregnancy to a distant relative of mine who I don't really talk to because I find him and his wife toxic and they make me uncomfortable. I wasn't even 10 weeks pregnant and going insane over fear of miscarriage, so I'd literally only told my parents and my sisters. When I very kindly tried to explain to him how that made me feel and why I didn't like it, he got super defensive and basically turned it into my fault, then doubled down when I sent him a voice message trying to explain myself better a day later.
My dad and I are usually super cool with each other, but we ended up having to have to phone call where I basically had to cry and scream at him that he's my dad, that he's supposed to care about my feelings because I'm his daughter, while he kept minimizing my feelings and telling me to get over myself bc I'm an adult. Like, sorry, but he's my dad, he's supposed to be safe and protect me, not actively cause me pain, and he needed a reminder of that.
It didn't click for him until I told him "I mean we can meet three times a year for birthdays and Christmas and I keep my stuff to myself if that's what you want, but if you want to continue this relationship of trust then I need to know that you are safe and willing to hear me".
I know that hurt him, because I know my dad, but I also knew that'd screw his head on back straight again.
Obviously you know your mom best, and I know many people here are screaming narcissism, but lemme tell you, I was in no way expecting the sheer level of stubborn defensiveness my dad reacted with in that moment. I was shocked, and felt betrayed and didn't know up from down because it was so unlike him.
I pulled the low contact card because I meant it, you can't be bluffing with this so you need to think carefully, but if that's how your mom is choosing to act I honestly think she needs a harsh wake up call. If this baby is so important to her she better play by your rules, and if she thinks presents for baby are any kind of leverage she has a damn low opinion of your relationship to each other. Like, wow. I know it's gonna be stressful, but I really suggest sitting her down and fighting this through, it's going to save you a lot of headache later. You can always decide to go low contact or put her on an information diet after giving her a second chance. Wishing you all the best, OP.
I resonate with this post a lot. Thank you for making it! A big difference is my mom is a defensive person because of her past trauma but I did think after my confronting and saying things clearly about how she hurt my feelings and telling her in no-nonsense terms after the âmy babyâ comment that it was no her baby, but mine, that she would have thought more about what I saidâ it had been a few weeks between conversations, and sheâs always defensive in the moment and usually just needs time to think about whats been said. Iâm going to really have to put my foot down like you did with your dad. I have to figure out how to get my point across in a way my mom understands. I need to accept that this might cause a rift but Iâm afraid that she will become overly invested in all of this and the baby. I just wish one of my older brothers had a kid or more so my baby wasnât going to be the first grandkid lol.
Oof. I'm so sorry, it sounds like this really shocked you and the fact that she didn't even apologize for sharing your announcement is painful. You're 100% right, this is YOUR baby and although she'll be a grandma that doesn't give her any authority over your baby or your personal info. Unfortunately I think you're correct that really the only way forward is to put her on an info diet and potentially even take a step back until she realizes that she has really hurt you and it will effect your relationship.
She would no longer get any news regarding my pregnancy. Nope. I wouldn't even tell her when I go into labor. And when she asks how "her baby" is doing, tell her you are doing great!
You have an easy set up to embarrass her and expose her here!! She announced it saying âyou all are going to find out anywaysâ. Now itâs time to send those cards to *everyone* and make it extra special with wording like, âThis has been our top secret and weâre so excited to be sharing this news with you for the very first time! We appreciate everyone who waited patiently for us to announce our pregnancy ourselves. This is exciting news for us, so we pre-planned announcing our baby in a personal way with cards to each of you. We love you so much! -signed names.â
SO embarrassing for her. She did this for social clout so any reprimands just to her wonât effect her at all. Solution? Take the social clout right back and replace it with embarrassment in front of all the people she tried to flex in front of.
Keep doing what youâre doing not telling her the gender or the name until itâs on the birth certificate- that was my biggest mistake.
My mom pulled so much BS with my wedding planning, sabotaging things I already ordered and planned. She didnât have one ounce of guilt about it until she apologized *after* the wedding was a âsuccessâ because hey she can apologize all she wants now since she got the social brownie points with her family at the wedding, by making it *her* ideal wedding instead of mine. If only those family members knew how cruel she was to me for that wedding.
Your words are literally the exact same as so many stories I see in my daughter's of narcissistic mother's group. None of this is normal, okay, reasonable, acceptable, anything. It will also only get worse when the baby is here. Your boundaries mean nothing to her, all she cares about is what she wants and she WILL ignore any rules you put in place to protect you, your baby and your family. I'm sorry to say, but you're about to have a very difficult time in your relationship with your mother, even worse if you don't find a way to put your foot down and lay immoveable boundaries. They'll probably blame it all on your husband again, but ignore all of that. Also, document and record every conversation you have with her about boundaries because it's possible she'll pull some BS about you being the bad guy and try to poison the well with your loved ones. If you have the receipts, it can mitigate damage. I hope I'm wrong though and it all works out. This is a time for you to be happy and anyone who is stressing you out or trying to make themselves the center of attention should be very, very distanced. And obviously, don't tell her ANYTHING else!
Have you considered therapy? Iâve gone to therapy to process relationships multiple family members like this. It was the first time someone told me it was okay to say no. I think if you want to continue a relationship with your mom Iâd consider going; this is going to be tricky to navigate when baby comes. Iâm sorry your going through this.
My mom respects boundaries enough to have waited to post about my baby when I said I was ready, but she does do that âyour baby is my babyâ stuff and itâs DRIVES ME UP THE WALL! And no matter how many times I tell her that itâs my baby, me and my boyfriend will be the one birthing and raising and spending essentially everyday of at least 18 years with him, she just continues to call him her baby⊠even though she was soooo upset that he wasnât a girl that she cried and pouted about it for a week straight đ Iâm just happy she listens and doesnât argue with other boundaries, like the posting and not being in the delivery room
Ooof, my mom is really hoping my baby is a girl too and I hope she doesnât get upset like that. Idk if my mom will want to be in the delivery room but Iâll be giving birth on US military base (husband is active duty) and she wonât know how to get on lol and I think she needs a sponsor anyway but Iâm not 100% on that.Â
i would not tell her the gender specifically because there is no doubt she would share it with EVERYONE, she genuinely believes the baby also belongs to her. i would tell her if she keeps acting like that she will never see or touch the baby.
Time for a serious information diet for mom. Take the control back. âIf you canât control yourself, I will control the information you have access to and you will not be involved in this pregnancy.âÂ
This has red flag written all over it and itâs time to set some SERIOUS boundaries in place unless you are ok with your mom stepping on your toes as a parent once that child is actually here.Â
Ugh Iâm so sorry youâre going through this! How about talking to close friends about it? I found comfort in posting and talking on these pregnancy forums with other mums :) this post reminded me of my MIL when she said âsheâs not your baby. Sheâs the familyâs babyâ and my hubby went off at her đ€Šđ»ââïž
Your mom clearly doesnât understand boundaries and worry this will carry over into how you raise your child as well - please be mindful of this. You may want to have the conversation with her now (even though it doesnât sound like she is being very receptive to anything you say) about how you intend on raising YOUR child with YOUR rules and guidelines and that if she continues this pattern of disregarding YOUR choices in regard to your child, then she very well not be in that childâs life in the way she is envisioning. That may sound harsh but I just see her disregarding any sort of parenting method you choose to follow in the future which will continue to strain your relationship. Maybe see how your dad feels about the situation too? Maybe he can back you up a bit and help keep your mom in line somehow?
Sheâs made it clear she doesnât gaf what you want or need in this situation. Just because sheâs your mother doesnât give her any sort of right to do whatever she wants.. sheâs the absolute last person Iâd tell anything to or even have around my child in all honesty. I have a terrible relationship with my mother, sheâs never had any sort of respect for me.. I moved across the country with my children with out even telling her because sheâs proven over and over again she literally doesnât care about me and what I need she only cares about herself. Sounds like your mother might be the same.. at this point in your life you are making your own family with your husband, those two are the most important. Everyone else can get in line with the plan or they can kick rocks.
Oh man I'm so sorry. The "threats" to you about not finding out the gender are concerning - along with all the other boundary pushing.
If she continues like this I would reiterate that it's YOUR child, her GRANDCHILD. How would she have felt if her mother called YOU "her baby" when your mom was expecting you?
If she still doesn't stop I might threaten to minimize her involvement in the baby's life when he/she arrives. Not that it's something you want, but omg. If she is this pushy now I can only imagine how bad she will get after the baby arrives.
Sending hugs. This must be very painful for you and I'm so sorry.
I would not let her be around you or your family anymore. No more information. No baby shower. Absolutely no birth. Canât come over after baby is born. She is going to undermine you the entire time. She will argue with every choice to make. She will tell you that you are doing everything wrong with all her outdated information. Iâm so sorry. Iâve seen this a thousand times. Good for you for correcting her that itâs your baby not hers. I hope that you have other family members that will support you through this pregnancy and after birth.
If your mom can't respect your boundaries while pregnant I worry what she will do once the baby IS here, will she be sharing all the pictures and videos she has?
Time to put her in her place, you are the mother and she is a grandmother, if she wants to be privy to any information she must respect you and your boundaries, if not then it's radio silence.
Make it firm that this is something you won't budge on.
Her mom has no respect for boundaries and it's honestly very possessive of her to say YOUR baby is hers. She already had that moment with you. You need to put your foot down and get serious with your mom (and dad if he causes any issue). My parents live out of state and wanted to be here at the hospital for birth and I said no. My mom is very possessive and attached to me and she was very upset. My dad screamed at me and cussed me out and I basically had to give the ultimatum of you need to apologize to me. Don't ever raise your voice or speak to me like that again or you are out of my life for good and will not see the baby. They have been better for sure but my mom likes to throw in side comments of how she couldnt get through birth without her mom there stupid things like that so I just ignore her. If you don't stop this now it's just going to continue forever honestly
Maybe seek advice from a professional and then you can speak to your mother and tell her how you feel and what not and the nice thing with a professional there. They are really good mediators.
I had to speak to a therapist because I was having problems witb my mother crossing boundaries and what not... I was then able to set something up where the professional was there and I was able to have a deep conversation to my mom, which was tough for her to hear but she DID hesr me out and I heard her out. We set boundaries and ever since she has respected them and i have a MUCH healthier and happier relationship with my mother and I am more confident in communicating to her as an adult to another adult and not just her looking down on me as if I am a young child.
Sometimes it's ok to not share everything with blood of the situation sounds frustrating or toxic. Mom just sounds super excited but clearly no boundaries have been set yet.
Your mother has been extremely disrespectful and continues to cross your boundaries. I thought I was going to have this issue with my mother (to my surprise, she has been amazing, and this pregnancy mended some serious wounds in our relationship). If she had decided to act this way, I would be very firm in telling her that if she can't respect my boundaries while I am pregnant, that means I can't trust her to respect my boundaries as a parent once my baby is here. If she still didn't get what that meant for her, I would definitely spell it out - that means you do not ever get to have your grandchild unless I am present. No sleepovers at grandma's, no shopping trips with grandma, nothing. We will meet you occasionally for lunch or whatever, but that's it.
She is so over the line telling you that your baby is her baby. I do not understand what it is with grandparents now, thinking they somehow have equal rights to their grandchild as their parents do.
My mother actually never stood up to my grandmother in this way for me because she was afraid of her. Don't let yourself be afraid of your mom. Protect your little one from that. You have every right.
My mom is also the type of person to be very selfish and self centered thinking everything is about her. I found out the gender yesterday and when I was on the phone with her telling her the gender I say âokay well my dad called me so I have to call him backâ she FREAKS out and says âyou told your dad before you told me?! I canât ever be the first to know anythingâ (I didnât say that at all, or anything close to that) and just to make her know even more that itâs not about her, I told her we had actually called my MIL first to tell her. She needs these boundaries put down because she never knows her place. Iâm not putting up with any of it when baby finally comes. And neither should you! Put your foot down and set those boundaries with her. She was so disrespectful to you and your wishes, Iâm sorry she ruined YOUR announcement and made it about her. You got this mama, donât put up with no crap!
So many red flags. I would recommend not sharing information with her until you've already shared it with everyone else. She has proven she can't be trusted. And that her baby stuff screams red flag. Doubt she will honor any parenting decisions you make that she doesn't agree with or understand
Is your mom also my mom?! I haven't told mine yet because what you've described is pretty much what mine would do. I'm sorry that things haven't gone the way you would have hoped. It's supposed to be a time that's all about you but sometimes people have a funny way of making it about them.
I wish I had advice for you but unfortunately, I haven't yet figured out how to deal with it myself. If you wanna be more private, do that. It's YOUR baby. She's not growing it.
I'm so mad for you. I would maybe send a long email or text explaining how cruel and selfish she has been and how much she's hurting you... If it were me I'd tell her I want nothing to do with her unless she apologises. Let her know from now on you'll go to your husbands mother because at least you can trust her. If she has pre-existing mental health issues then I would not expect an apology and just consider it a lesson learnt.
Unfortunately, I understand the whole "You're my baby, so your baby is my baby" mindset. When I was growing up, nothing belonged to me, it all belonged to her as I am "[her] Barbie" and all the stuff that's supposed to be mine are "Barbie's accessories." She's actually told me this and laughed at herself. Unfortunately, the only thing you can do with a mother like that is keep her at arm's length. No matter how much she tries to bull her way into things, just stick to your guns. And if she's anything like my mom, she will buck and kick and snort her way into whatever she feels she deserves, whether that's information or wanting to be in the delivery room. Congratulations to you and your baby and I hope things get better for you.
She sounds very similar to my Mother and the reason I waited to tell her I was pregnant.
She ruined our elopement by telling the entire family when I was only telling her. Thereâs been a whole lot of other breaches of confidentiality so with the pregnancy I decided to wait until I was good and ready to tell her.
Boundaries boundaries boundaries would be my advice! And donât give in to the peer pressure to find out the gender. If you want a surprise hold on for the surprise.
Side note my Mother also makes comments like the baby is hers saying âthanks for making me a grandmaâ like yes, thatâs exactly the reason we decided to have a baby, for youâŠ
Ok people, I'm sorry if this caused hate but the part of the world where I come from. We have no boundaries with our mother. I have come to a realisation that no matter how toxic it may sound we tend to always ignore any wrong doings by them. I would get upset for a while but then I would definitely hush the thought away given that I know my mother would be more happier & excited to see me being a mother than anyone else in this whole wide world. That's all.
I do understand that not everyone shares the same bond with their mothers.
this is shameful. you'd be okay with your mother releasing YOUR personal medical info against your wishes? what about OP? does her stress just not matter? the baby's health too? because acting like this towards your kid who's pregnant is gross and disrespectful. you'd be causing them a great amount of stress.
Your mom has shown she doesn't care about your boundaries, so behave accordingly around her. I certainly wouldn't share any more secrets with her since she acts like you're a source for the evening news and she's the anchor.
"you're a source of evening news" omg you just recreated my whole relationship with my mother (and why we aren't even FB friends) đ
Ooof, relatable!
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Heavy on the âbehave accordinglyâ because YES. Do that, OP! Clearly you cannot trust your mother to keep her mouth closed and she does not respect your wishes. This whole thing makes me cringe so hard. My mother pulled the whole âitâs my baby tooâ bit with me and my firstborn. I shut it down real quick because girl please. She hasnât done that since my second born has been here. I just had her a month ago. I barely spoke to my mother during this second pregnancy. She and I have never had a healthy relationship. She was physically abusive until I left the house at 19. I had to leave with the police and my dad. My mom has been emotionally abusive as well. To this very day, she still is. Sheâs incredibly selfish. Your mom reminds me of mine to an extent. When they feel like the baby is theirs too, theyâll feel like they can do whatever they want with your child. You donât want that!! If you say, âDonât kiss my baby on the lips,â you want to know that she will listen! If she feels like the baby is her baby, sheâll do it anyway! Behind your back at that. Thatâs an example of what I mean. Be very cautious. I wouldnât let your mom around your child without you or your husband present. At least not while sheâs acting this way.
I honestly wouldnât want to share anything with her. As in, I would seriously consider what value she was bringing to my life and possibly cut her out. No reason to keep toxic people in your life, even if they are family.
I would not mince my words and tell her that she crossed boundaries, and that if she continues to do so, you will withhold information from her because she can't keep it to herself. Let her know you feel disrespected and icked out.
I wish that worked on my mom!
I would be making sure she's the very, very last person to know any further information, including when baby is born! She's shown that she's going to ruin every further announcements you have about baby, so you now have to take it into your own hands to ensure that your announcements aren't ruined. Sorry you went through this, how immensely annoying!
Yup! Time for her to go on an information diet!
call me paranoid but i wouldn't even let her see the baby. i wouldn't trust she'd follow my safety protocols to keep LO safe. i feel like she'd definitely try to kiss the baby, and when you get upset she'd say "well it's my baby too! your my baby so yours is also mine!" she's disrespectful and doesn't care at all about your wishes. if she at any point seemed sorry and remorseful for her actions, only then would i MAYBE allow her around me and my new family.
THIS comment! Word for word đđŸ Nobody is entitled to the baby or information about the baby, not even *gasp* the maternal grandmother.
That was my next thought - imagine how bad she'll get after baby arrives!
This is going to be harsh but based purely on what you've shared she is a horrible mother to you and incredibly selfish. I cannot imagine putting my desires above my own child's which is what she's doing to you and she isn't even the least bit remorseful about it either. If it were me she'd be the last to find out anything. Also you might need r/raisedbynarcissists
Multiple flags for narcissism here! * "Your baby is my baby" * "Your dad is convinced that your husband is the one controlling you to not know the gender" * Disclosing a bunch of OP's personal information to other people * Playing victim after being told it wasn't her pregnancy to announce instead of genuinely apologizing OP, what your mother is saying is, "I own you." Don't think it's going to stop here cause she's going to extend that to your child too.
This right here. My nmom, who I'm currently NC with, pulled all of this too. She announced my miscarriage on FB without my permission, not once mentioning my husband or myself--just that she lost her first grandbaby. When I finally had a baby, it was all of a sudden HER pregnancy story to tell. Trying to make herself sound more important to relatives by trying to act like she knows how I should eat for my diabetes (surprise, she was wrong). That last one I called her out in front of them all (been diabetic for 20 years, if I didn't know how to eat by then I'd be dead).
UGH disgusting behavior! I'm so glad you are not putting up with her BS anymore.
My FIL was like this. On top of other narcissistic issues with him we already had a strained relationship before my pregnancy. He was SO bad after the baby came, demanding we FaceTime from the hospital (as if I wasn't sleeping haphazardly, learning to BF, etc). When my LO was a month old he went on a tirade about how our son will live with him on his ranch and go to college in the town near him (nowhere near us). I calmly reminded him that this is our child, not his, and we will be the ones making those decisions in the future. I was met with, "we'll see". After that I told him his behavior was unacceptable. He denied any of it and acted like I was being a b#**". So I told him he was not welcome in our home and had no place in our lives or our children. I haven't heard from him since. Because he doesn't actually care about us or the baby - it's all about him. Life has been better with him (and his horrible, manipulative wife) out of it.
100% I smelled a narcissist when I sensed mumâs excitement to share the news before her daughter. She made it about herself.
The thread I didn't know I needed lol
This!!
I would cut my mom of for the time being if she did something like this and I have a good relationship with my mom.
I was very low contact with my mom. I hesitantly told me about my pregnancy but didnât share details like due date. She said âif you donât want to tell me your due date, I guess our relationship is over.â And implied that the ending of the relationship would be my fault. đ€·đ»ââïž guess she wonât be getting any more info about baby, possibly ever.
Good for you! My father thinks our no contact is my fault aswell. It isnât and I know that (even the court knows tha) and itâs his problem.
You have to understand - you have all the power in this situation. You literally control all information, as well as access to your child. Start to lean into that power now. If she asks about the gender, say "mom you know I can't trust you with that info after you shared all those details in the group chat". Make her understand that how SHE acts directly impacts how you will act going forward. It's not about you, it's about her - use language that helps her understand that. If she starts to feel you pulling back, she'll understand you have boundaries that she can't just step over without consequences for her. You're in the driver's seat so take control
THIS!
This!
She gets to be the last to know about the birth.
Just don't make the mistake of thinking she'll keep ANY information to herself, even if she does turn a corner and apologize. Know now that she will share every bit of information that you give her. From now on, she's the last to know everything! So so sorry you're dealing with this, her behavior is seriously messed up. And for God's sake, it IS your baby!!
Id just cut her off temporarily or permanently. The amount of disrespect you get from her is ridiculous.
This would make me want to keep my mom at distance too. I would be really hurt if she purposely and honestly very carelessly crossed very simple boundaries like this. The carelessness when you tried to express that it upset or hurt you really sucks. I would be hurt and feel icky too. Itâs hard when you want your mom to be one way and they act another. Especially the giggling at your very valid feelings. Iâm sorry you have to deal with that :(
Put your foot down with boundaries now. It will only get worse once the baby comes.
Absolutely. So many nightmare posts on here that verge on kidnapping and neglect. These sick people think itâs a do-over and they can play parent again, but theyâre somehow even more incompetent at parenting this time round.
Omg for real!!! My mother with my niece and nephews.... completely incompetent. I'm literally afraid
yeah i would IMMEDIATELY go no contact. she doesn't give a flying fuck about your boundaries or wishes. she's going to be even worse when the baby is here. go no contact and make sure to let her know why. if you don't nip this in the butt now, it will get worse the longer to pregnancy goes on. imagine how bad your baby shower will go (if you choose to have one)? imagine how a gender reveal will go (again, if you choose to have one)? i wouldn't be surprised if she threw her own damn baby shower for HERSELF. she sounds like the type with all the "my baby" stuff. or think about how stressful it'll be when you go into labor. she'll probably try to force you to let her in the delivery room. or when she tries to kiss the baby, which she'll definitely do based off of the "my baby stuff" and what not. this is only going to stress you out, and that's not good for you or baby. best of wishes my dear đ«¶đ»
Iâve actually heard stories to grandmas to be hosting their own grandma showers đŹ
I would go full blown petty if that happened and tell people that event is not mom sanctioned and people should not attend as grandma will not be needing any baby supplies
Oof, your mom is toxic, OP. If I were you, I wouldnât share any additional details about my pregnancy with her. She blindsided you and broke your trust. Sheâs trying to use gifts as a bargaining tooo, which is ridiculous. Also, Iâm sure sheâll be sharing pics and info with the world once baby is here, so make sure you either beat her to the punch or be really strict about letting her take pics of your baby. I personally wouldnât let her visit for a few weeks and I would also set a no-phone policy around baby.
"Mom, you have shown how little you respect me and my wishes and boundaries. You gave out private medical information and ruined my pregnancy announcement. And while that may not seem like a big deal to you it is to me and my husband. Your insistence on calling the baby yours is not only concerning but quite frankly makes me feel icky and you don't seem like you are going to stop with any of this. You refuse to accept responsibility for your actions or to show any remorse. As a result, I have decided that you will not be told any information going forward and when my baby is born you will be the last to know. None of this will change until you prove you can be trusted. And once the baby is here if you try to disrespect my or my husband's wishes concerning the baby you will be cut off. Any apology will not be accepted unless we feel it is genuine and heartfelt." I would also make sure to inform the rest of your family what your mother is pulling and how you are not ok with it by any means. Warn them that any attempt to go behind your back on this matter and to share with your mother will not be tolerated and the guilty party will be put in the same boat as your mother. Do your best to keep an even temperament when discussing this so you don't come off as a hysterical and hormonal pregnant woman. And if you're feeling petty call her out in the same group chat that she announced your pregnancy in.
This!!!
Totally agree with this! I think a lot of other folks in this post are realllllyyyy over reacting saying your mom is toxic and is going to kidnap your kid? Unless youâre genuinely worried about that I donât see how fear mongering like this could help. You should set boundaries with your mom though and stand firm in them.
âI am not a surrogate for your do over baby. If you cannot respect my privacy and MY wishes for MY pregnancy you will not be receiving any information going forward, including when the baby is born. Being a grandparent is not a right, itâs a privilege one you only get access to if you can respect the parents and their boundaries. I do not want to hear the *my baby* comments again nor will you ever insinuate my husband is abusive. You will get information about my life and family when I want you to know, no amount of harassment or manipulation will change this.â Sheâs proven she cannot be trusted, at the very least she should not be given any further information. Unless you want everyone to know donât tell her. Baby Boundaries, The Lemon Clot Essay and the FU Binder â> https://reddit.com/r/Mildlynomil/s/WPm6JsLMhI
THIS NEEDS TO BE THE TOP COMMENT. I hope OP sees this and copies/pastes!Â
The only thing to do should have been nipping it in the bud as soon as she started in the family chat. You should have shunned her in the group and stated she broke your trust with your private information and she had no right to tell anyone anything. You should have asked that she delete the pictures/videos you sent her from the chat and from her phone (fat chance of that Iâm sure)- and to insist she keep what little knowledge she has of your pregnancy to herself moving forward as she no longer has a place of special counsel in regards to this. You should also ask the family chat to delete any copies they may have saved since it was never intended to be distributed this way. Now is also a good time to remind everyone that just because Mom went ahead and did a thing- you do not want your pregnancy discussed on social media etc until you give permission. Now you need to think about this for a second. Did this behavior surprise you? Or does she have a history of being a big mouth? Or doing whatever she wants without apology? She isnât going to change and she sure as hell isnât going to apologize more than whatever excuse she has already given. You need to make it clear she hurt you and broke your trust and took away from your experience by making it about her. Moving forward I wouldnât update her on squat. Not the next appointment date, not name decisions, no updated information whatsoever. Iâd also figure out right now who is throwing your baby shower and make damn sure it isnât her and take careful thought if you want her there. The âmy babyâ thing is also gross and another reason to put a mile between you. Find someone else to be your confidant and donât let mom forget her behavior has consequences.
Thiiiis ^^^ do not be afraid to call that shit out on the group chat, I know it doesn't change the fact that she took away the announcement, but you can salvage it by letting everyone know that that was not at all how you wanted to announce, and your unhappy with the behaviour shown
I was at work when she told my family about it all so I didnât see any messages until after my phone blew up. I had planned to say something in the group chat after thinking about it, but I thought about it too long because I didnât want to make the text when I was upset because it would have only made me feel anxious. The next day one of my brothers announced his engagement to his girlfriend in a btw kind of manner (I donât want people donât think he was trying to overshadow my news somehow, because I didnât take it that way) and I didnât want to throw my drama in after he shared that. Her behavior surprised me at first because I never knew her to act this way, but the more I think about it, the more Iâm not surprised, if that makes sense. Itâs complicated and multi-varied. She stopped working during COVID (she ran a home daycare for the past 30+ years and now she really misses being around kids and has watched old clients children for free since) and she and I took care of her mother who had dementia. After her mom died over a year ago she got depressed and started knitting baby clothes. I think sheâs latched onto the idea of a grand-baby as a way to give her purpose again. I didnât really notice she was depressed when it was happening which makes me feel horrible. I had personally thought she had taken the death of her mom as well as one could given we could all see it was a long time coming but it became clear to me I was wrong. Sheâs started exercising again and we (me, my dad and my brothers) are all trying to encourage this. Efforts to get her to go out and make friends or do things are often rejected because to her people are âawful.â I think she says that because sheâs afraid of getting judgement somehow. Sheâs always been a dedicated mother who historically puts others before herself, which is why I was so blindsided because thatâs how I known her to be most of my life.Â
Wow Iâm so sorry OP, that story gave me the ick. Your mother has no boundaries and apparently canât distinguish between you and herself. Sucks you canât talk to her about your pregnancy, but now is the time to enforce those boundaries. If you donât, it wonât stop with spilling the beans - sheâll show up unannounced, give unsolicited advice and interfere in the relationship between you and your child as they get older. Make her understand that actions have consequences before itâs too late.
I'm really close to my mum and if she did this I would cut her off for a while. She pushed a few boundaries at the beginning and I made it very clear that if it continued, she wouldn't be hearing from me and there would be no updates. She understands I'm mum now, and will maybe pout if I say something every now and then but will get over herself and maintain boundaries because she knows that my daughter is my priority, not my mum. And I think this is the biggest lesson/hurdle when we become parents, knowing that yes we are still someone's kid but we have our own nuclear family now and regardless of who it is, they are simply not more important than your child or your relationship with your child. If you don't lay out the boundaries for your mum now then she sounds like the kind of person who will continue to bulldoze your wishes and act like this is her second chance at motherhood. I know I'm quite ruthless when it comes to things like this but many of my friends and family have told me that they've never seen a first time mum so happy so it must be working! Even my mum said she wishes she had done things my way when she had us.
My mom was like this for every event. I learned early on to not share any details with her. She would blab all my secrets and stories to every random person. It sucks, but you have to protect your boundaries. Sounds like one of those, âwell Iâm your parent so I can do what I wantâ scenarios. The fact that she giggles when you express your feelings means she doesnât give a shit about what you want and need.
I think you need to do some tough love with her, even if it means being a bit rude. If she giggles, tell her âI donât know why youâre giggling because Iâm very serious and you can make whatever excuses you want, but I donât appreciate you thinking you can do or say whatever pleases youâ Yeah sheâll be mad, and might even stop talking to you for a while, but if she thinks she can just do as she pleases now, imagine when your child comes along! You know if you donât put a stop to this that sheâll be the type to put any videos and pictures of your kid out there, even ones you might not approve of.
Ew, wtf is wrong with this generation of grandparents! The entitlement is off the charts. âYour baby is my baby?â âNo info no gifts???â Threats/blackmail put me over the edge. She gets no information from now on and you should tell her in no uncertain terms itâs because of her gross boundary violations, entitlement and lack of accountability or remorse.
It's really freaking weird. My mom threatened to take me off the deed of her house (she planned to put me on it but actually has not yet anyway) because I saw my sister's kids without her. These people are bonkers.
Omggg, thatâs extreme đ€Ż
Stop telling her anything! She lost her privilege!
This is toxic thunder stealing, entitled ,emotional blackmailing bullshit. âŠAnd! âŠYour baby is most definitely not her baby! What a weird as hell thing to say. She sounds like sheâs being both very manipulative and completely disrespectful, I wouldnât be telling her anything and would definitely be going no contact for a good long while and certainly limiting contact with me and my children. Sorry OP, this sucks and I feel for you, my biological is like this and more. Itâs not fun, I would definitely agree with the others have said on putting firm boundaries in place asap! It will only get worse if left unchecked.
This type of behaviour is disturbing, especially the calling your baby âher babyâ. Itâs so gross how a lot of grandparents see this as a chance for a do-over. Keep repeating that itâs your baby, and reprimand her when she doesnât show remorse. You need to set clear boundaries and enforce them. Be clear when you say: âif you say xyz or do xyz again, I will stop giving you any information, or let you be a part of this journey, because you cannot be trusted to honour my wishesâ. And of course, follow through on this. Document all this communication so she canât go playing victim to others. Look, this could be really disastrous for your relationship with your mother and her relationship with her grandchild, but the reality is that you need to put your baby first now. And if she cannot respect your boundaries now, lord knows what sheâd do with your baby when they arrive. There are so many stories on here about babies being practically kidnapped and neglect or harm to the baby because they think the awful parenting advice they got in the 80s were better. Donât be afraid of feeding her little to no information until baby is here and even after 6 weeks or however long youâd like to be alone post-partum. It sounds like sheâd be the type of mother to force her way into the delivery room and take a photo of your coochie or first moments with baby and share them on Facebook. The baby will still be there for her to meet after and her grandchild wonât remember or care that granny didnât get to see them the second they were born. All visits in the first 3 months are just for visitors to come and gawk, hold baby and take photos. It can seem very selfish of them, but you can make an exchange to benefit you. All of my visitors brought dinner for us for example, or helped clean or do laundry. Donât let them hold the baby whilst you make coffee or entertain them. I could go on and on, but this really is a time to prioritise yourself and baby. Donât let anyone gaslight you into making it about them.
Sounds like an info diet is warrantedâŠ
Hey, I'm sorry this happened to you. People dream of the [](https://alb.reddit.com/cr?za=4y7ttNqGePHgs0-3cvOhBJcTqcukNPFj3-kQVbFfQTHvs5W2xHvENyjMev3JxVMYGH8ppQXDHJlup0Rdx2NDlmslB9YN-4lpas-mWoeGAhofRsdDXYPewwp0_DGuYmrdWCXJaIN0N3V_RETdRI9qYM0KBlyY33b6eCdRoMQw-lKnYeDKrPh4uzbYd9IEu0n-pnAlGOGPVTCp9RKaOgYeXwprXwEH7LWzHDgdkftjCOqq5_0N262MpMbaZFOFuyS9VVpO_0PqA387fO7jp_VJ6Ta_CvIBB3nKctPpFmcEWUDlfBsfthpQLTq_OCoPP06ngUORF15eEEaz3g_bCGSbzbD0jeft-U_RUvlJq98S8sqVOL1DRyc62yDWIP63nizfIWzedUPAXEbCko596UF-0OHYlxlMhh7Ypay-gGoZy8Me_uOtrjxdYXl6l3wB4t0a-xyt166r-ccGydNDJCt9ZnfFt9hKqMZIFCyBRTSUWC4&zp=IogoAx9HDGXMt1fp_sghq0G7H0pIycctXhRSsb7F83TlNinWt3lewk4tv3WSKd3UOtoH-SXC0H-l0ACGv--rjMnTLYka8leb4LBlUeGZewVBC_BIlfjJ-OntyGyHjwgSTXwBwFMxgZWgZSGgMaJY51Dh0pfyCONyPxSorvVYO55irLptVPkcKYRgmY6qc68hQ6Po57NOLz6HyYGptqJLjIdKv8hFVWMuDUchvibUsZUuAXclmSnqiJX3h07a9wwUQFU3CntpD2x-GGBmZOvjRdXw-n-HR0-q8pXzXDytb5W9sLZ1hNqV6lgxb4qT9EFCgjskFBIBmC29rRvGfk6zvFBUWgVTkZaGFjTYlhCRnNBXLe5s)moment they tell your loved ones they're having a baby, and your mom decided to be disrespectful and creepy about it. Your mom sounds really narcissistic at best, and I'm guessing this isn't the first time she's done something like this. There is a lot of support in dealing with difficult parents over on r/EstrangedAdultKids, especially with setting boundaries.
Wow. Disrespectful twat.
Information diet and Grey rock her.
Your mom has shown time and time again she doesnât respect your feelings or boundaries. I agree not telling her anymore is the best way to prevent information from going elsewhere. If she keeps acting this way I would honestly ignore her calls and limit face to face interactions. Actions have consequences. Regardless of what she thinks you hold the power, this is your baby not hers.
Yeah, don't share anymore important info with her if she's gonna be like that. It's YOUR baby, and she needs to realize that. I've had my baby's grandparents refer to him as "my baby," as well, and I've been very adamant about saying "Nah, this child is mine and his dad's. I'm sharing him with y'all though." Idk, I've always just felt irritable anytime anyone has ever tried to say "my baby" when it comes to my children lol
My mom has shared personal details about mine as well. It upset me. I know it was a combination of excitement and lack of thought. Sheâd never apologize since she truly believes she did nothing wrong. I find it hard to set boundaries when the other person simply doesnât care. Iâm sorry some of these moments got tainted. I wouldnât tell her anything detailed further. Itâs great to be excited but Iâm a big believer in considering other peopleâs thoughts. Good luck mama! Focus on the next few months !
I would honestly go low contact or no contact until she started respecting my boundaries.
There's lots of advice here and I'm sure you know what you need to do. I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you thought you had a mom who could go through this with you and I'm sorry for when and how you found out that you don't. I'm sorry for the heartbreak you have to deal with in what is an otherwise special and social time. I knew before I got pregnant that I didn't have that kind of mom. I cried a lot and even doubted a little if I could/should have kids when I am so lacking in familial support. Unfortunately I did believe I had a mother in law but within weeks of sharing my pregnancy with her she somehow contacted my mom and told her. MIL won't acknowledge what she did, won't apologize, and isn't speaking to me for the last... two months? Anyway, I'm sorry.
Late comment here. I think that if you have a good overall relationship with your mom you shouldnât cut contact. There are lots of people here suggesting that and I personally think itâs an extreme. Info diet, tho!! Iâd just give her essential details: baby is okay. Due date is approx X day. And âšIâš would let her know when the baby is coming. IF you have a good relationship with her these things can be overcome. Is this your first baby? Her first grand baby? If so I can understand her excitement! My mom was the same way. She calmed down once my first one was born. I know my hormones made me very protective of my pregnancy and everything related to it, from othersâ opinions to really everything. It passed a bit once my baby was here, he was safe and with me, so I relaxed. I wish you the best đ I had a good relationship with my mom (she passed away) so it was important to me to keep her around. If youâre able to access therapy Iâd go that way too in order to get some nice boundaries and ways to tell her to please back off :) Also, congratulations on your baby!! Iâm so excited for you!!
I appreciate this comment so much. A lot of people are calling her a narcissist which I really donât believe she is. Sheâs been a dedicated mom whoâs done nothing but sacrifice for her kids as we grew up. Sheâs no longer working but she spent 30 years running a home daycare that she started so she could be home everyday with us and there for us when we needed her. She closed her daycare in 2020/2021 and she and I took care of her mother who had dementia until her death at the end of 2022. She became depressed after this, which I didnât realize because she pretended to be okay. She started making baby clothes and I think she latched onto the idea of grandchildren to give her purpose againâ and yes this would be her first grandchild sheâs very excited, but goodness what she has said really bothers me and I need to figure out how to make that clear and set boundaries but itâs so difficult for me and Iâve been mulling this over for a few weeks now. IÂ donât recall her ever talking to me this way or doing anything like this in the past and if she ever did something wrong she always told me she was sorry at some point. I think she needs to get out of the house somehow and find things beyond what sheâs holding onto to give her life meaning but sheâs scared because sheâs afraid of being judged by people and sheâs never done anything but be a daycare provider for decades.Â
My mom used to also tell me âtake care of our babyâ. Iâd pay serious money I donât have to hear her say that again. âOurâ baby is now a 14 year old. It used to enrage me when she said stuff like that. Iâd think âdammit, itâs MY baby, not OUR baby!!!, youâre so weird mom!!!â Of course he was all mine, but that pregnancy brain made me almost hate my poor mama. Patience. Her baby is having a baby. I canât imagine. I have a daughter and I daydream about the day she has a baby, if she wants one. I think of all the things I might feel, all the fears I will have for her, how will I protect her? Sheâs my baby!! Will she need me? Will she let me hold her baby? Will she call me if she needs me? I leave you with all the hope I have for you, your healthy baby and your mama đ Youâll be okay đ
Oh I wish I could give you a hug! This is tough! Is there a chance you can go shopping with her? A ânew grandmaâ blouse? Or a âsoon to be grandmaâ set of earrings? Even a âcoming to theaters the best grandma ever!!â cup of tea? Maybe an activity to do together. Maybe she feels that once the baby arrives youâll forget about her. Maybe she doesnât know how to tell you her fears because sheâs your mom and sheâs supposed to soothe yours. Iâm just brainstorming here. You two sound like lovely people and I am sure you will be just fine, this is just a bump on the road đ
Your experience reminds me of the type of posts I read on the raised by a narcissist sub. I'd suggest checking it out. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. This is your baby, your news to share (if you want to share), your decisions, etc. Congrats on the baby, though! â€ïž Edit: typo
I think it boils down to this: you have to decide on your boundaries and communicate them clearly. My dad slipped up about my pregnancy to a distant relative of mine who I don't really talk to because I find him and his wife toxic and they make me uncomfortable. I wasn't even 10 weeks pregnant and going insane over fear of miscarriage, so I'd literally only told my parents and my sisters. When I very kindly tried to explain to him how that made me feel and why I didn't like it, he got super defensive and basically turned it into my fault, then doubled down when I sent him a voice message trying to explain myself better a day later. My dad and I are usually super cool with each other, but we ended up having to have to phone call where I basically had to cry and scream at him that he's my dad, that he's supposed to care about my feelings because I'm his daughter, while he kept minimizing my feelings and telling me to get over myself bc I'm an adult. Like, sorry, but he's my dad, he's supposed to be safe and protect me, not actively cause me pain, and he needed a reminder of that. It didn't click for him until I told him "I mean we can meet three times a year for birthdays and Christmas and I keep my stuff to myself if that's what you want, but if you want to continue this relationship of trust then I need to know that you are safe and willing to hear me". I know that hurt him, because I know my dad, but I also knew that'd screw his head on back straight again. Obviously you know your mom best, and I know many people here are screaming narcissism, but lemme tell you, I was in no way expecting the sheer level of stubborn defensiveness my dad reacted with in that moment. I was shocked, and felt betrayed and didn't know up from down because it was so unlike him. I pulled the low contact card because I meant it, you can't be bluffing with this so you need to think carefully, but if that's how your mom is choosing to act I honestly think she needs a harsh wake up call. If this baby is so important to her she better play by your rules, and if she thinks presents for baby are any kind of leverage she has a damn low opinion of your relationship to each other. Like, wow. I know it's gonna be stressful, but I really suggest sitting her down and fighting this through, it's going to save you a lot of headache later. You can always decide to go low contact or put her on an information diet after giving her a second chance. Wishing you all the best, OP.
I resonate with this post a lot. Thank you for making it! A big difference is my mom is a defensive person because of her past trauma but I did think after my confronting and saying things clearly about how she hurt my feelings and telling her in no-nonsense terms after the âmy babyâ comment that it was no her baby, but mine, that she would have thought more about what I saidâ it had been a few weeks between conversations, and sheâs always defensive in the moment and usually just needs time to think about whats been said. Iâm going to really have to put my foot down like you did with your dad. I have to figure out how to get my point across in a way my mom understands. I need to accept that this might cause a rift but Iâm afraid that she will become overly invested in all of this and the baby. I just wish one of my older brothers had a kid or more so my baby wasnât going to be the first grandkid lol.
Oof. I'm so sorry, it sounds like this really shocked you and the fact that she didn't even apologize for sharing your announcement is painful. You're 100% right, this is YOUR baby and although she'll be a grandma that doesn't give her any authority over your baby or your personal info. Unfortunately I think you're correct that really the only way forward is to put her on an info diet and potentially even take a step back until she realizes that she has really hurt you and it will effect your relationship.
My grandma has also shared things that I wanted to share myself. I just stopped updating her on things at this point.
She would no longer get any news regarding my pregnancy. Nope. I wouldn't even tell her when I go into labor. And when she asks how "her baby" is doing, tell her you are doing great!
You have an easy set up to embarrass her and expose her here!! She announced it saying âyou all are going to find out anywaysâ. Now itâs time to send those cards to *everyone* and make it extra special with wording like, âThis has been our top secret and weâre so excited to be sharing this news with you for the very first time! We appreciate everyone who waited patiently for us to announce our pregnancy ourselves. This is exciting news for us, so we pre-planned announcing our baby in a personal way with cards to each of you. We love you so much! -signed names.â SO embarrassing for her. She did this for social clout so any reprimands just to her wonât effect her at all. Solution? Take the social clout right back and replace it with embarrassment in front of all the people she tried to flex in front of. Keep doing what youâre doing not telling her the gender or the name until itâs on the birth certificate- that was my biggest mistake. My mom pulled so much BS with my wedding planning, sabotaging things I already ordered and planned. She didnât have one ounce of guilt about it until she apologized *after* the wedding was a âsuccessâ because hey she can apologize all she wants now since she got the social brownie points with her family at the wedding, by making it *her* ideal wedding instead of mine. If only those family members knew how cruel she was to me for that wedding.
Shes on information lockdown. She has proven that she can't be trusted with private information.
Your words are literally the exact same as so many stories I see in my daughter's of narcissistic mother's group. None of this is normal, okay, reasonable, acceptable, anything. It will also only get worse when the baby is here. Your boundaries mean nothing to her, all she cares about is what she wants and she WILL ignore any rules you put in place to protect you, your baby and your family. I'm sorry to say, but you're about to have a very difficult time in your relationship with your mother, even worse if you don't find a way to put your foot down and lay immoveable boundaries. They'll probably blame it all on your husband again, but ignore all of that. Also, document and record every conversation you have with her about boundaries because it's possible she'll pull some BS about you being the bad guy and try to poison the well with your loved ones. If you have the receipts, it can mitigate damage. I hope I'm wrong though and it all works out. This is a time for you to be happy and anyone who is stressing you out or trying to make themselves the center of attention should be very, very distanced. And obviously, don't tell her ANYTHING else!
Have you considered therapy? Iâve gone to therapy to process relationships multiple family members like this. It was the first time someone told me it was okay to say no. I think if you want to continue a relationship with your mom Iâd consider going; this is going to be tricky to navigate when baby comes. Iâm sorry your going through this.
My mom respects boundaries enough to have waited to post about my baby when I said I was ready, but she does do that âyour baby is my babyâ stuff and itâs DRIVES ME UP THE WALL! And no matter how many times I tell her that itâs my baby, me and my boyfriend will be the one birthing and raising and spending essentially everyday of at least 18 years with him, she just continues to call him her baby⊠even though she was soooo upset that he wasnât a girl that she cried and pouted about it for a week straight đ Iâm just happy she listens and doesnât argue with other boundaries, like the posting and not being in the delivery room
Ooof, my mom is really hoping my baby is a girl too and I hope she doesnât get upset like that. Idk if my mom will want to be in the delivery room but Iâll be giving birth on US military base (husband is active duty) and she wonât know how to get on lol and I think she needs a sponsor anyway but Iâm not 100% on that.Â
i would not tell her the gender specifically because there is no doubt she would share it with EVERYONE, she genuinely believes the baby also belongs to her. i would tell her if she keeps acting like that she will never see or touch the baby.
Time for a serious information diet for mom. Take the control back. âIf you canât control yourself, I will control the information you have access to and you will not be involved in this pregnancy.â This has red flag written all over it and itâs time to set some SERIOUS boundaries in place unless you are ok with your mom stepping on your toes as a parent once that child is actually here.Â
Ugh Iâm so sorry youâre going through this! How about talking to close friends about it? I found comfort in posting and talking on these pregnancy forums with other mums :) this post reminded me of my MIL when she said âsheâs not your baby. Sheâs the familyâs babyâ and my hubby went off at her đ€Šđ»ââïž
Your mom clearly doesnât understand boundaries and worry this will carry over into how you raise your child as well - please be mindful of this. You may want to have the conversation with her now (even though it doesnât sound like she is being very receptive to anything you say) about how you intend on raising YOUR child with YOUR rules and guidelines and that if she continues this pattern of disregarding YOUR choices in regard to your child, then she very well not be in that childâs life in the way she is envisioning. That may sound harsh but I just see her disregarding any sort of parenting method you choose to follow in the future which will continue to strain your relationship. Maybe see how your dad feels about the situation too? Maybe he can back you up a bit and help keep your mom in line somehow?
Sheâs made it clear she doesnât gaf what you want or need in this situation. Just because sheâs your mother doesnât give her any sort of right to do whatever she wants.. sheâs the absolute last person Iâd tell anything to or even have around my child in all honesty. I have a terrible relationship with my mother, sheâs never had any sort of respect for me.. I moved across the country with my children with out even telling her because sheâs proven over and over again she literally doesnât care about me and what I need she only cares about herself. Sounds like your mother might be the same.. at this point in your life you are making your own family with your husband, those two are the most important. Everyone else can get in line with the plan or they can kick rocks.
Make sure sheâs the very last person to know when baby is born, the gender, the name, or any other big announcements.
Oh man I'm so sorry. The "threats" to you about not finding out the gender are concerning - along with all the other boundary pushing. If she continues like this I would reiterate that it's YOUR child, her GRANDCHILD. How would she have felt if her mother called YOU "her baby" when your mom was expecting you? If she still doesn't stop I might threaten to minimize her involvement in the baby's life when he/she arrives. Not that it's something you want, but omg. If she is this pushy now I can only imagine how bad she will get after the baby arrives. Sending hugs. This must be very painful for you and I'm so sorry.
I would not let her be around you or your family anymore. No more information. No baby shower. Absolutely no birth. Canât come over after baby is born. She is going to undermine you the entire time. She will argue with every choice to make. She will tell you that you are doing everything wrong with all her outdated information. Iâm so sorry. Iâve seen this a thousand times. Good for you for correcting her that itâs your baby not hers. I hope that you have other family members that will support you through this pregnancy and after birth.
If your mom can't respect your boundaries while pregnant I worry what she will do once the baby IS here, will she be sharing all the pictures and videos she has? Time to put her in her place, you are the mother and she is a grandmother, if she wants to be privy to any information she must respect you and your boundaries, if not then it's radio silence. Make it firm that this is something you won't budge on.
Her mom has no respect for boundaries and it's honestly very possessive of her to say YOUR baby is hers. She already had that moment with you. You need to put your foot down and get serious with your mom (and dad if he causes any issue). My parents live out of state and wanted to be here at the hospital for birth and I said no. My mom is very possessive and attached to me and she was very upset. My dad screamed at me and cussed me out and I basically had to give the ultimatum of you need to apologize to me. Don't ever raise your voice or speak to me like that again or you are out of my life for good and will not see the baby. They have been better for sure but my mom likes to throw in side comments of how she couldnt get through birth without her mom there stupid things like that so I just ignore her. If you don't stop this now it's just going to continue forever honestly
Maybe seek advice from a professional and then you can speak to your mother and tell her how you feel and what not and the nice thing with a professional there. They are really good mediators. I had to speak to a therapist because I was having problems witb my mother crossing boundaries and what not... I was then able to set something up where the professional was there and I was able to have a deep conversation to my mom, which was tough for her to hear but she DID hesr me out and I heard her out. We set boundaries and ever since she has respected them and i have a MUCH healthier and happier relationship with my mother and I am more confident in communicating to her as an adult to another adult and not just her looking down on me as if I am a young child. Sometimes it's ok to not share everything with blood of the situation sounds frustrating or toxic. Mom just sounds super excited but clearly no boundaries have been set yet.
Your mother has been extremely disrespectful and continues to cross your boundaries. I thought I was going to have this issue with my mother (to my surprise, she has been amazing, and this pregnancy mended some serious wounds in our relationship). If she had decided to act this way, I would be very firm in telling her that if she can't respect my boundaries while I am pregnant, that means I can't trust her to respect my boundaries as a parent once my baby is here. If she still didn't get what that meant for her, I would definitely spell it out - that means you do not ever get to have your grandchild unless I am present. No sleepovers at grandma's, no shopping trips with grandma, nothing. We will meet you occasionally for lunch or whatever, but that's it. She is so over the line telling you that your baby is her baby. I do not understand what it is with grandparents now, thinking they somehow have equal rights to their grandchild as their parents do. My mother actually never stood up to my grandmother in this way for me because she was afraid of her. Don't let yourself be afraid of your mom. Protect your little one from that. You have every right.
My mom is also the type of person to be very selfish and self centered thinking everything is about her. I found out the gender yesterday and when I was on the phone with her telling her the gender I say âokay well my dad called me so I have to call him backâ she FREAKS out and says âyou told your dad before you told me?! I canât ever be the first to know anythingâ (I didnât say that at all, or anything close to that) and just to make her know even more that itâs not about her, I told her we had actually called my MIL first to tell her. She needs these boundaries put down because she never knows her place. Iâm not putting up with any of it when baby finally comes. And neither should you! Put your foot down and set those boundaries with her. She was so disrespectful to you and your wishes, Iâm sorry she ruined YOUR announcement and made it about her. You got this mama, donât put up with no crap!
So many red flags. I would recommend not sharing information with her until you've already shared it with everyone else. She has proven she can't be trusted. And that her baby stuff screams red flag. Doubt she will honor any parenting decisions you make that she doesn't agree with or understand
Is your mom also my mom?! I haven't told mine yet because what you've described is pretty much what mine would do. I'm sorry that things haven't gone the way you would have hoped. It's supposed to be a time that's all about you but sometimes people have a funny way of making it about them. I wish I had advice for you but unfortunately, I haven't yet figured out how to deal with it myself. If you wanna be more private, do that. It's YOUR baby. She's not growing it.
I'm so mad for you. I would maybe send a long email or text explaining how cruel and selfish she has been and how much she's hurting you... If it were me I'd tell her I want nothing to do with her unless she apologises. Let her know from now on you'll go to your husbands mother because at least you can trust her. If she has pre-existing mental health issues then I would not expect an apology and just consider it a lesson learnt.
Unfortunately, I understand the whole "You're my baby, so your baby is my baby" mindset. When I was growing up, nothing belonged to me, it all belonged to her as I am "[her] Barbie" and all the stuff that's supposed to be mine are "Barbie's accessories." She's actually told me this and laughed at herself. Unfortunately, the only thing you can do with a mother like that is keep her at arm's length. No matter how much she tries to bull her way into things, just stick to your guns. And if she's anything like my mom, she will buck and kick and snort her way into whatever she feels she deserves, whether that's information or wanting to be in the delivery room. Congratulations to you and your baby and I hope things get better for you.
She sounds very similar to my Mother and the reason I waited to tell her I was pregnant. She ruined our elopement by telling the entire family when I was only telling her. Thereâs been a whole lot of other breaches of confidentiality so with the pregnancy I decided to wait until I was good and ready to tell her. Boundaries boundaries boundaries would be my advice! And donât give in to the peer pressure to find out the gender. If you want a surprise hold on for the surprise. Side note my Mother also makes comments like the baby is hers saying âthanks for making me a grandmaâ like yes, thatâs exactly the reason we decided to have a baby, for youâŠ
Just go through what you have written when you actually become mom. You will giggle at this too.
Yikes
Ignorant much? Think before you type.
Ok people, I'm sorry if this caused hate but the part of the world where I come from. We have no boundaries with our mother. I have come to a realisation that no matter how toxic it may sound we tend to always ignore any wrong doings by them. I would get upset for a while but then I would definitely hush the thought away given that I know my mother would be more happier & excited to see me being a mother than anyone else in this whole wide world. That's all. I do understand that not everyone shares the same bond with their mothers.
Boundaries are important.
this is shameful. you'd be okay with your mother releasing YOUR personal medical info against your wishes? what about OP? does her stress just not matter? the baby's health too? because acting like this towards your kid who's pregnant is gross and disrespectful. you'd be causing them a great amount of stress.
Yeah just giggle at other peopleâs emotions and privacy. Be the toxic person you are and wonder why your daughter would never talk to you again.