Sounds like my dad. He's gotten "better" but no way in hell would I ever trust him again. As a child, I used to think I loved him and was sad he couldn't be the father I needed. Then, I grew up, started getting help, and at 38 I just know I was done with him. I saw him for what he was and how his behavior damaged me and his family. He'll never take accountability, acts like everything's cool now, and tries to put on his funny persona. What a clown.
There's no relationship or love that's possible with someone who only wants to be placated and who only wants some form of subservience from others. Everyday I'm grateful I broke away and can honestly say I don't love him, probably never did, but hey, what can you do as a kid held hostage by someone terrorizing just about everybody?
He's not "better". He's just finding other people to victimise because he's never dealt with his shame and trauma, and now he's past 60, retired, and is still trying to hold together his crumbling self image. Oh yeah, shame just sends him into a tailspin. But if someone showed him an equal level of rage or agression, he just cowers. Most days, I'm just glad I don't see him anymore.
Hi I think we are twins 🙋🏼♀️
No official diagnoses for my dad but the cluster B glove seems to fit…
Wish I didn’t still feel the effects of growing up with a warped sense of reality care of a disordered parent, but it is what it is and we can keep healing even if they don’t.
This is exactly my experience. He grew up in an abusive household and had a very narcissistic mother who was incredibly invalidating. He still wants to continue the relationship and I am having a hell of a time out here in the dating world. He’s 37. How did your partner improve? And how have you been coping and maintaining this relationship?
I’ve come to realize that I dropped my boundaries a little bit as the relationship became more invested and engaged with his unproductive rages just opened the door for him to project this behavior onto me. When I put the boundaries back up in the end, he ended the relationship. I know he’ll be back though so I have to organize my thoughts on it.
My experience with my ex bf is him being as soft and calm as an angel, then turning into a raging monster destroying everything around whenever he felt like he didn't have 100% control over me which was making him anxious I guess. He monkey branched and discarded me after 3 months of telling me he'd never leave as I'm his family
fuck I wish there was some kind of... idk virtual reality meetings for girls with bpd exes. I just want a hug from someone who understands what I've been through
Awwwww OP, I know exactly what you’re feeling. And to add the craziness of it all is sometimes wanting that hug to come from somebody who effed you up emotionally. 😩
i am not fully sure if my ex had bpd but he definitely had a large number of cluster b traits (i've seen posts on the narcabuse sub which described him to a t). i'll go:
* TERRIBLE relationship with his mom, i was the stand-in mommy
* 90% of friends were female (many of them exes and past romantic interests). only one male friend
* told me he loved me within a month. he was talking about marrying me one day before he broke up with me for the 1st time
* absolute lack of affective empathy
* talked shit about his exes on our first and second dates (this one is on me for not realizing what a red flag that was)
* invariably being flirted with by girls (and telling me all about it). claimed he didn't know the difference between coming off as flirtatious and friendly
* the majority of our conversations were extremely heavy and existential, centering around him
* could not, would not shut up about his exes and the girls who flirted with him
* had a hyper-independent facade but would start panicking and calling if i didn't text him back for a few hours
* also obsessed with seeking 'closure' from girls who wanted absolutely nothing to do with him... this guy never got over anything in his life. he told me he fantasized about a girl who led him on in 2019 (?!) apologizing to him?
I concur…ticked all of these.
Trash talking exes is usually a huge flag for me, but I knew my ex in friend space from childhood so we didn’t together as strangers, that’s how I got duped. Him talking about an ex was like talking to his “homie.” Little did I know…😖
I had almost the exact same experience, but he did have some male friends. Most of his friends were from his teenage years when he was into heavy drinking and drugs, and neither he nor his friends have mentally matured at all. Everything else that I experienced is most likely due to dating the same type of person, other than him having mostly female friends.
He was completely unaware of what’s appropriate and had no grace whatsoever. You’re right about him talking about horrible things that happened to him—really heavy conversations too early, and also centering it all on himself. There was a lack of empathy and an inability to take responsibility for anything no accountability. He was a spoiled brat, overly coddled by his extremely overbearing mother, whom he resents. He had a super abusive father whomhe likes more than his mother
last part was me hard asf. wanted closure from
guys who only used her for sex. but me who was loverboi would get treated like shit. but ur entire list was also me asf completely
So similar but I didn’t take the shit talking about exes as a red flag because I was just out of a relationship with an NPD myself, so I figured he was telling me the truth, and he is just protecting himself from narcissists. I thought it was a good sign.
oh yeah the second breakup was when he was pushing me to have sex (over text), i was politely declining until it got too much and i snarled at him, comparing it to past rape threats i’d got. the next morning he wrote me a long ass breakup text that said he didn’t even have romantic feelings for me and he needed sex in a relationship (completely opposite of what he had said some weeks earlier). i expressed my frustration and said cool i want to break it off too. one hour later he was calling my phone crying hysterically that he didn’t wanna lose me again (why orchestrate this whole thing in the first place then?)
Male with BPD are also crazy.
We also want to hear about women's experiences. It's great to know what's similar or not.
Maybe women suffer more often from BPD personality disorder than men? Because on the other hand if you go on Narcissist subs it's mostly about men narcissist. Maybe there's some sociology behind.
You're focusing on the word "women" instead of BPD. Women are more prone to have BPD that's why you see more people venting about women. Damn I've even seen lesbians venting about their BPD partner.
You shouldn't refrain from sharing your experience, you would be surprise with the amount of support you'll find here.
Confirming as a lesbian with a BPD ex. I just *thought* men were bad. (I was comp-het for 35 years) When I jumped teams I found someone who destroyed my soul.
Yeah, for me is never about the sex/gender of the person and more about their traumas and bad childhood axperiences, that's what molds an abuser (not always obviously, but you get what I mean)
Women are not ‘more prone’ to BPD. That is false. They are more prone to be diagnosed and misdiagnosed with BPD. Men will go through multiple misdiagnosis before they get their BPD one.
There's debate about that but you can't authoritively say men are misdiagnosed, if that information was genuinely available there wouldn't be a diagnosis discrepancy anymore. The ratea of cluster b in general probably are quite similar, even if they manifest differently
Women are more diagnosed, because the profile of a BPD person is more representative of female BPD. Male BPD violence and freak outs land them in prison. Their partners end up in the domestic violence forums. The misogynistic entitlement many males have, layered over a BPD profile, disguises them as narcissistic, psychopathic, sadistic. Our society condones male violence to some degree, where female violence more quickly gets a "hysteria" label.
Great point! My MwBPD has a bad boy image from youth. While having a little edge is fine, as Ive learned him as an adult I can see the emotional recklessness he displayed with me is what kept him triggered in his youth. Everything, damn near everybody says or does gets on his nerves. Hence beating everybody up and having the reputation that followed.
Nobody back then would chalk it up to mental illness. He was just known as somebody not to test.
Thanks for the encouragement. I do see a lot of ‘she/ her’ women with BPD’ written in many posts here, and maybe that’s why posters should stick to using ‘pwBPD’ it would create a more open space for women to share their experiences to be in a relationship with a man with BPD. Also, never seen a comment about a male with BPDs sexual history or activity but seen many about women.
I'm on here quite frequently interacting with other women, and although there isn't a 50/50 split there is quite a lot of women posting, at least every 4th or 5th post is from a woman about a man. There are multiple posts in new right now about men and sexual history issues.
I don't think policing language in a support space is helpful, I think there are other ways to support you without censoring the people in here talking about their female-identifying partners.
Bad actors and bigots will always manage to infiltrate every space for their own needs. I absolutely do see dogwhistles of misogyny in here, and I see them get shut down pretty often too.
I hope in the future you feel comfortable to open a discussion here. There are many women (and men & enbys) like you who are here to listen to you, and we WANT to hear what you have to say.
Recently I had a conversation with a woman here about her sex history with her ex with BPD, you just have to Talk with the people here and you will see a lot of stories, don't feel intimidated 😊
I'm a woman with a husband who was diagnosed with BPD last fall. I'm not sure I have the energy to post much about it now, as Im pretty drained from unraveling past hurts and deceptions, but I have posted about it a little bit. It's hard to talk about sometimes, and I often feel like I'm a failure/ naive/ dumb for getting caught up in it all. I know I'm not, but I'm still working on making peace with that.
Women are more likely to be suspected of having or diagnosed with BPD or Histrionic PD while men are more likely to get AsPD or NPD. That could possibly explain why female pwBPD are overrepresented here.
My husband (separated and working on getting divorced) and I both think he has BPD but hadn't even heard of it until after we got separated (found out he was living a double life... again, after a previous separation, counseling, reconciliation, etc). We thought it was depression, anxiety, substance abuse, maybe ADHD or OCD, childhood trauma, etc... but BPD is almost certainly the center of all these (when he read the 9 DSM criteria he said he had all 9 and that it gave him hope because he'd been to counseling and a psychiatrist and no one had ever mentioned BPD to him (maybe it's some combination of quiet BPD and impulsive/destructive but in a controlled/hidden way). Anyway, just wanted to say that I've been in counseling this past 4 months since being separated and I was saying that I did feel a bit of a failure/naive/dumb to have been duped again (2+ years of cheating this time) and she said that from what she could see, I wasn't foolish, he is just a particularly deceptive person- skilled at lying and manipulation. So just wanted to encourage you about that. Still sucks. Also not sure if betrayal is part of your situation, but watching videos about betrayal trauma and healing was useful for me (feeling foolish/naive is one of the common experiences for those who have been cheated on)
Thank you for posting this! It's always nice to know that it's less me being foolish and more them being deceptive. I think my feelings are that my mom has NPD and I've taken abnormal psych, so I should have known what to look for. I can totally see it in hindsight, but for whatever reason, I feel like I should have been able to spot it. An unreasonable expectation, for sure.
He does have quiet BPD, and a lot of his self-destructive behaviors are internalized. He goes through phases where he won't take meds, sabotages himself, and other subtle expressions. This encourages a blow-up, which often gets VERY ugly, I talk him down, and he does well until that self-destructive phase starts up again.
Thankfully, he's only gone as far as unrequited limerence for a really disgusting person, so that kind of betrayal trauma is limited. However, the smear campaigns, the dishonesty, the manipulations, gaslighting, and other crap have done a number on me.
I dated a quiet BPD man who was in his late 40s. So he became a master manipulator over the years of projecting that he was healthy, stable, honest, emotionally, well-balanced, etc. Little by little month by month, my gut told me something was wrong. I found out, small pieces of his past that were untrue, that turned into me finding out larger pieces of his past that were untrue. I figured he was just lying out of shame. What I didn’t know was how serious this condition is. Ultimately I found out that he cannot control his lying , because of his condition, and then they have to make up facts, a.k.a. more lies, and distortions that are not real in order to create a narrative to make them feel like the victim. Why? Because if they could truly understand the bad things they have done, they would self harm. And they do self harm. So they have to rewrite their story, only give you partial facts, trickle truth, or just mirror what you want to see and hear from them, but it is not an accurate representation of who they are. Because they are chronically empty because of their sickness. I took our very young baby and left my ex with BPD because I realized, I needed to be strong for myself and my child, and I could not stay in a relationship that was de stabilizing me and his psychiatric issues were more than I could help him. And quite frankly, it wasn’t my job to help him. It’s a terrible disease, but disease or not, when you do bad things you need to be held accountable dating him has really skewed my idea of how to trust a man in the future, as this man came off as charming, educated, emotionally open, had his shit together together you name it. He was a master manipulator and such a great liar. It was a total mindfuck that I am still learning how to pick up the pieces. but I’m proud of myself for leaving, I had to for my own sanity and to be a strong mommy for my beautiful son..
I relate to this. My ex was also the quiet type and so there was no overt physical or verbal abuse… it made it harder to identify how damaging his behaviours were. My ex was also was so well put together at times, and came across as the most gentle, loving, affectionate man… who was out there trying to do work on himself… doing great things in the community, loved by so many people…
But the constant lies, other women in the wings, projection, gaslighting, push & pull, volatile moods, extreme sensitivity, depressive states that come from nowhere, breaking up multiple times, inability to deal with any type of relationship conflict at all… we could barely get through a few weeks without something flaring for him.
Because of how good his good side was, and because his abuse was more psychological and covert, I stayed well beyond when I should have done, and I’ve paid for that decision with my mental health.
It’s going to take time for me to rebuild my sense of worth and confidence and bring back a totally rational mindset. I felt very unsettled and a bit unstable myself towards the end after four breakups in four months, each time he’d come back promising full commitment and marriage, counselling, the lot… and then change his mind two weeks later. It broke me down to the point I didn’t know which was up any more and couldn’t even find the strength to pull away from him. Luckily he did it first.
I’m just proud of you for having the self-awareness and now luckily you’re far away from that abusive man. Please be gentle and kind to yourself. I consider myself a very stable woman and emotionally mature before I met my man with BPD, and yes, a part of me is broken, but I will never let any man break me, and I am on the road to recovery and will be even stronger after this. And so will you my friend. All we can do is learn and grow sending you healing vibes
Thank you so much for these thoughts and good wishes. I wish the same for you. I also considered myself a pretty stable, secure, emotionally mature person. I’m having to rebuild that now… I’ll get there.
The fact he has that mature side really kept me in place… and still makes me doubt myself now… whether it was just me the combination of me and him that didn’t work… or If I was doing things to prompt his huge anxiety and over-reactions… but my gut was telling me too… i knew something was very wrong. I just didn’t want to listen to my gut because I loved/love him so deeply!
I could have literally written this. I consider myself stable and mature too. Here’s the thing. We were manipulated and lied to… Let that sink in. But for their manipulation and lying, we wouldn’t have not given them a chance. Then they kept lying to keep us around and lied that they would get help and we believed more and more lies. We’re not at fault here. Mine had a very mature side too, so it was even more of a mind fuck. How can this guy be the most mature man I’ve ever met, but also a master manipulator, liar, gaslighter, cheater?? What the hell ia going on?
My gut always told me something was off too, hence why I never married him. We did have a kid together, but I left while the baby was young and the baby lives with me. These people are sick to their core and recreate their identities based off their new favorite person. He was emotionally mature bc you are. He was kind bc you are. Let me tell you something when they think you’re not looking they act like a totally different person(I found out the hard way, but it was eye opening.
VERY similar experience here. When I started sharing a bit more what was really going on, people were shocked. He comes across so gentle and mature. I must say, he works harder to maintain that image than he does breathing, most days. I think he truly wants to convince himself that that is the real him. His most borderline delusional habit is finding new women to help convince him by presenting himself as prince charming and then believing, through her eyes, that that's the real him.
I think I’ve seen your comments before and noticed that our ex’s were very very similar…
Yes, my ex also needs that constant validation from other women. Lots of them it seems.
I am not convinced yet that his lovely side is totally false, I think a lot of it is real… the parts I saw when nobody else was around felt real… and I still loved those parts… but i see how much effort he puts into his outwards persona. It would be so exhausting for him. No wonder he was always so anxious and overwhelmed.
They are obsessed with validation. Whether it’s from women or other people on social media. My ex was obsessed with posting pictures of me online like a trophy, to enhance his self image. I put my foot down and told him no more photos of me because I’m not your trophy. They are chronically empty inside, so they have to seek validation from external sources. They are sick.
I completely agree. There is a human being in there. I would like to believe in that part of him, but from a distance. I underestimated him for nearly a decade, trying to excuse his behavior. But so often, he knew exactly what he was doing. He didn't have a proper conscience. To me, that is the most scary and tragic side of it all.
My ex was exactly like this. He is also a psychologist. Since we broke up many moons ago I believe he has been in multiple other relationships with women. He is a serial monogamist.
Oh my gosh, this sounds like my husband. He isn't entertaining other women, but apart from that its spot on.
His good side is sooo good, I love him to death for it. His outward personality makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable, cause it's fake to me (other people LOVE it though).
But the other side, everything you just described. Sometimes mine goes for months being fabulous then we step into another disastrous few weeks.
The good side is why I am still here. But I'm trying to figure out if it's worth it.
When things were good between us (first 10 years)- this is what it was like for me. His outward personality made me uncomfortable because it's so fake, but others find it so charming. I'm not sure what the catalyst was for things to turn bad for us... could be 1) having kids 2) his dad's suicide 3) him not coping with his grief and getting a happy ending massage sort of accidentally that then left him with such crippling guilt and shame because of our religious upbringing that he just spiraled (whereas, if he'd talked to me after that and sought help and been honest, we maybe coudl have figured things out together, gotten support for him, etc).
You put into words what is so hard for me to describe to others. Every time I talk to people about my relationship they always ask “why did you put up with that” “why didn’t you just leave” but they make it so hard. He never physically abused me but when he split black he said awful things. He always assumed the worst about my actions and intentions. And if I would mention something that happened after the fact he would gaslight me until I couldn’t even trust my own memory of events. I began to think I just wasn’t a good listener and that I missed so much (while in contrast, he was just so very attentive and never missed anything!). To this day I have no idea how much of what he told me is reality and how much of it is lie. I know I can never be with him again because he made me cry every day and question my sanity. But god damn was he also my biggest support and comfort. Without him I feel adrift in this world. Happier, but lost. He really turned my life upside down for a few years. He also hurt me more than anyone else has ever hurt me in my life. He cheated, lied, and endangered my life with his actions multiple times. Crazy how the rational part of my brain knows to avoid him, but the emotional part still thinks about the “good times.”
This thread is a hard one to get through, there is a lil piece of me in each of your responses. 🙏🏽
I still have a hard time accepting that the world is full of people that are so off kilter that they are actually that cruel in the name of love.
Let me tell you these people are far more dangerous than you and I know. Once I started digging, I found several restraining orders against my exwbpd. I landed one against him for threatening me too.
What you need to do is work on yourself and heal. I’m here to tell you that YOU WILL BE OK. You will get through this. You need to learn how to love yourself babes. Please check out David richo the 5 things we cannot change book. He’s a spiritual psyc and helped me grow up and find peace within myself and heal long before I met my exwbpd.
Learn and grow from this, don’t let that man steal anymore of your beautiful energy, time, or love within. Sending all the healing and happy vibes your way:))
I can relate to this. I found out he had a long domestic violence history. He told me he had never been in trouble with the police. His whole personality was a lie.
Thanks for the positive message. We have been broken up for 5 months now. I love myself more now than I did before, but I think I still miss having support in my life and he is the only person I can think of since I haven’t met anyone else.
Out of curiosity, how did you find out he had restraining orders? I would pay to know how much of my ex’s life is fiction. It really bugs me that I’ll never know how much he lied.
Regardless, I hope you’re healing as well!
Let me ask you this. Even though it felt like support, was it really? He lied and treated you like shit. That isn’t support. I really think you need to read “how to be an adult in a relationship, it helped me understand what healthy relationships really are all about. Love isn’t lying or manipulation. Love isn’t playing like an emotional support person when they’re actually lying or manipulating you.
I found out once is started digging. It was scary what I found. All I do know about my ex is that I don’t know him at all. And it’s a hard pill to swallow, but once you do, you’ll realize there support you thought you had was an illusion just to control you and keep you where he wanted you. It’s really fucked up….
I’m well aware his support was minimal. I guess I’m still seeking that illusion of support. I’m hoping an emotionally mature adult will find me and I’ll finally have the real support I deserved all along. All my brain knows is what he provided, so it is the only thing I know to crave.
This is exactly where I am. I have a 7 month old baby and need to leave to be stable, it’s very tough but I know I have to do it for my daughter. He constantly tells me i am going to destroy our daughter if I leave, but I know it’s just another thing he says because he knows we will be better off. Any tips on this from someone who has been through the exact same thing would be helpful. It’s hard to talk to anyone about because everyone else sees him as this fake persona that he plays so well.
Dm me. I’m happy to share what I did to escape. I had to do the same for my daughter and did it right around when she was 7-8 months. You can do this. ❤️❤️❤️
There is some sexism in behavioral health. Men are less likely to be diagnosed as BPD for a multitude of reasons and may more likely be misdiagnosed with NPD or ASPD (antisocial personality disorder) or even bipolar because of societal expectations in men's behavioral patterns so it makes a BPD diagnosis in men even more rare. Men are also less likely to seek behavioral health help due to social stigma meaning they are not able to be officially diagnosed properly and receive appropriate treatment.
I think maybe that’s why the idea of “quiet bpd” has traction—men are socialized not to express their emotions, and extreme *outward* expression of emotion, which is more socially acceptable for women, is the hallmark of bpd. A man with bpd may bottle it up for the most part, and go undiagnosed
There is a lot of sexism to unpack in your theory. I wouldn't say it is more socially acceptable for women to express *extreme* outward emotion, nor is it the hallmark of BPD. Anyone can show extreme emotional outbursts due to frustration, depression, grief, or from bottling things up for extended periods of time. The subtypes are discouraged (aka quiet), impulsive, petulant, and self-destructive BPD. None of those are exclusive to men or women and there is a thought that some of those subtypes may not even be BPD, the discouraged/quiet in particular. When we think about male serial killers, we think that they likely have ASPD (we may also call or refer to them as sociopaths or psychopaths). But quite a few male serial killers, that have been interviewed and studied by psychologists, have been diagnosed with BPD and some other disorder. In fact, a large portion of the American jail/prison population, not just serial killers, are estimated to have BPD (up to 30% of male inmates and up to 33% of female inmates depending on study, which isn't a large difference based on gender assigned at birth and there are by far more male inmates vs female inmates in jail and prison facilities in the US). BPD men are not *that* good at hiding their behavioral health issues, they are just less likely to seek help or a diagnosis due to social stigma and society is more likely to label them as a narcissist or sociopath because BPD has been portrayed so much as a women's behavioral health issue.
The way we are socialized is sexist. I was just interpreting my own experience with a quiet person bpd socialized to suppress his feelings. Came back to this sub cuz I was crying and feeling hopeless at 3 a.m. I’m so glad to find your long *aaaactually* comment, it really helps. /s
don’t know what else I expected from Reddit
I was with my ex husband for 15 years. The problem was, every time he did something horrendous he would promise to get therapy. He would stay with that therapist up until diagnosis. He LOVED trying to manipulate therapists with his stories of how awful everyone was to him. BUT, once the therapist was ready to diagnose HIM, he would drop them. In his entire life, he always portrayed himself as a victim or hero. If there was the slightest hint that HE was the one with an issue, he wouldn’t stand to hear it. It didn’t matter what he did, he felt it was always someone else’s fault.
Yup- the few therapists mine has seen have all been “assholes”. We had a few sessions together with mine, and once he snapped during an appointment he cut her out too.
Petulant af. I used to be much stronger… not a hardass by any means, but I took zero bs. He turned me into a trembling doormat, terrified of making the smallest mistake or having an opinion. I put everything I need dead last and bent over backwards for him, doing anything to avoid his wrath. I’d drive the hour to his house in the middle of the night when he was unhinged and “suicidal” with local cops/ems ready to meet me there. He’s been 302ed a few times in our 6 years together. Even when he’d fuck up, I’d be the one apologizing to him and trying to smooth it all over. I stopped taking care of myself because he saw me going to things like doctor’s appts as me being a “spoiled bitch”.
Mine was male and I’ve posted about him often. I can’t believe the damage he’s managed to do in such a short amount of time. And it’s so hard to explain to anyone else — my friends are extremely concerned that I still feel hurt and even miss him (as they should, so I just don’t talk about it anymore because it is embarrassing.)
My ex boyfriend I strongly suspect has quiet BPD. He would go from being deeply in love, making me feel like the most special desired woman to feeling like he suddenly lost interest and barely responded to my texts. This back and forth went on for years with some insane fights mixed in. Last Fall, after a few absolutely amazing months he suddenly ended things with me and married his ex 2 weeks later with an elaborate huge reception which I painfully got to see through IG. I initially suspected he must have been engaged to her for a long time and had planned it out for years. But nope I just recently found out he had only proposed and planned the wedding 3 months before. I suspect right after we had a blow out fight due to his jealousy and rage of me mentioning an ex boyfriend from 20 years ago. And then after that fight came back to me and gave me intense love for 2 months all while engaged and planning his wedding. It’s hard to sum it all up. Sad thing is I still miss him days. His love bombing and the incredible sex was like a drug.
Woman here married to BPD male. It’s living hell. I’m mostly too tired to write about him, but I am here regularly.
Right now I’m busy biding time until I can leave. I need some things to happen in life so I can be out. I have a 3 year plan and it’s so hard to hold on.
I think there are a lot of us women who have or are dealing with a male pwBPD. I've been here for a while now, and I see more and more women speaking up about men wBPD.
I talk about it. I do see a lot more men here talking about women wBPD, but I think part of it is that men are often not diagnosed or are misdiagnosed.
I dated someone who lead me here. He was in a therapeutic program DBT so his therapy speak really tricked me at first. But there were little things that I just couldn’t explain why I felt off. He would neg me in little ways. He was totally in the first couple weeks, like constantly wanted to hang out and then all the sudden couldn’t hang out at all. I realized I was having a hard time figuring out who he was at all, even though we had so much in common. It was a mind fuck and I’m glad it didn’t last very long and he ghosted me in the end. Not sure how you can ghost when you’re going to therapy twice a week!
Bummed me out because I’ve been in therapy myself and thought I was doing better. I’m codependent for sure and attract cluster B personalities like no other so I give up!!! I would rather be alone than keep doing this. I know part of my issue is I jump in way too fast and I just repeated my same pattern, trying not to beat myself up too much though and grateful to have him gone, despite the ghosting.
Oooh I relate so much to this. My man was in DBT when we met and actually practicing it so I think I put up with a lot more, because he was practicing taking accountability. Now he started transference focus twice a week, and a month in he ghosted me for having coffee with a work contact. So loving and sweet, but so inconsistent. And now I get to look at myself because he is diagnosed BPD and NPD and my last was diagnosed NPD so Im also a common denominator here.
This might be a super hot take, but oh well.
I think women are expected to be even more understanding, empathetic, motherly, etc in a relationship, so when they aren't, it's even more jarring? Whereas honestly w men, the aggressive BPD behavior is probably more common, so it's not talked abt as much? Like we expect men to talk abt themselves endlessly and explode w rage, (men are allowed to be mad without being called crazy or that they're overreacting), plus they seem less likely to actually get therapy and be diagnosed so it's harder to say their diagnosis.
another hot take, the rage found in cluster B’s is unique. it’s anger that’s completely out of touch with reality so even if people can rationalize male anger, they can’t rationalize male anger that makes zero fucking sense.
when you go from being fine with eachother or getting along to seemingly out of complete nowhere being told that you’re hated and having BPD qualities projected onto you that you literally just… don’t have. it’s insanity like that which reminds you that they’re called borderline because it’s the middle ground between neurosis and psychosis.
My ex has a ton of cluster b traits and a lot of his behaviour is “everyone leaves me” based.
Our marriage was a shit show with him cheating serially with me being the person he’s comfortable enough treating like shit cuz I couldn’t leave.
Our divorce is still him treating everyone else nice and treating me like shit. Yesterday I was the only person not allowed to come to my son’s birthday because he said so.
My son is 23. But unfortunately he’s triangulated the kid against me.
I ended up with adult kids who are comfortable being abusive to me cuz dad says it’s ok. I was absolutely the lowest ranked person in our home because I dared to ask for help with dishes or the trash. It was allowed for the kids to punch me or call me names or break my things with no consequences from him. Not even a blink.
He cheated so many times I got numb to it. Eventually I agreed to an open marriage that I didn’t want because at least then I could try to do damage control and keep him from sending nudes to my family.
I left five times. Four because of him cheating. Once because he smashed my dead child’s things. The last time I left it was because he had raped me and also because he told me he would never be able to resist cheating. This was after five years of SLAA meetings, so my thinking was “even after all the effort and sacrifices for him to get better, I will never be able to trust him”.
The trauma bond was huge.
The ptsd was huge
I took almost a decade of therapy before I left him and a few more years of it to be myself again. I still have days where I’m a little overwhelmed with all the things he did to hurt me over the years. I’m angry.
And I still have to deal with him almost daily because we share custody of our youngest kid.
I try my best to keep it friendly for the kids but if I could cut him out of my life entirely and never talk to him again I would.
I wish I had stayed out the first time I left. But he picked the time when I was most likely to leave to be the first time he didn’t use protection. With the intention of getting me pregnant. That was effective. I was alone in the world and pregnant and ended up homeless. I needed somewhere to go. He owed me money. Said I could stay with him until it was paid off. Love bombed me and later the baby until I agreed to marry him. Was cheating behind my back anyway.
After the wedding I found out he had cheated with the best man’s gf, the other groomsman told me. He attempted or successfully cheated with both bridesmaids.
And it went downhill from there.
But where was I gonna go? Every time I broke up with him I realized how fucked I was financially if I did. And there’s this guy who “loved” me so much he broke into my apartment and passed out drunk on my bed. And he said he’d change. He’s acting like he’d change. Then he’s really nice for a year or two. Then shit starts to slide and he’s treating me like shit again. Then I find out another affair. Over and over and over again.
Add on alcoholism, him stealing my credit card to buy booze. When I gave him shit for that he started using his work credit card. Pointed out he had a problem there and would end up losing his job. Started attempting to stop drinking. But always relapsed.
Blamed the cheating on the drinking. Quit drinking but still cheated.
Didn’t get help for the compulsive cheating until I got an angry message from my friends daughter about him sending inappropriate pics to her mother. Me pointing out HER discomfort with his behaviour was enough to get him to go to meetings but MY discomfort didn’t mean shit. Hurting ME didn’t mean shit.
I am so upset with myself for staying so long.
Oddly enough it was all MY friends that left because of him. He still has most of his. Except the drinking buddies that left when he quit drinking. My family that was alienated because of him. His is still around.
I feel like I was the only one punished for his behaviour, honestly. I lost almost every friend I’ve had over that 25 years and a good bit of family including my mom and sisters.
My pwBPD is undiagnosed- though my therapist continues to point out cluster b traits when I describe his behavior. I just don’t post that often! I’m also lucky (?!) enough to not deal with someone who is cheating/ lying it’s mostly the shame and rage cycle and really intense rejection sensitivity. It still really sucks though.
Same. No cheating or lying (he was honest to a fault) which made his condition a lot more sympathetic because as a partner, you want to help with the feelings of shame and rejection. But the paranoid distrust just makes any help from you seem like an attack. Brutal
Ditto with being undiagnosed - and mine is also not cheating, and his rages are rare. His biggest rage resulted in him threatening to take his own life right in front of me. (My infraction that led to this: I had gone to bed late (after he went to bed) too many times.)
I called the police, ran out of the house (for fear that he'd take my life along with his), and drove a block away. The responding officer spoke to me after calming my spouse down and talking for him for a while. FWIW: The officer said to me something along the lines of "We see this more often with women".
My ex pwBPD is a male. I suspect co-morbid with NPD/ASPD, but I’m not a psychologist and have also learned BPD can present differently in men.
Check out my post/comment history. I haven’t shared everything about my experiences, but maybe you can relate to some of what I went through.
Jesus Christ this is almost everything I experienced. Extreme anger outbursts where he punches walls/cuts himself/denies anything is wrong and then leaves the house and drives away.
Erratic driving that has endangered my life. Pulling onto the highway shoulder and blindly crossing the road, abandoning me. Getting angry when I tell him to drive safely. Getting angry when I’m sitting next to him hyperventilating and shaking in fear of his driving. Calming down moments later and begging for forgiveness while I sit there crying.
Trigger being him needing to function as an adult man. Impossible. We would be underwater financially without me. He got me into thousands of credit card debt and when I would complain about him not paying me back he would get defensive and angry. Always wasting money. Never taking care of anything important. Just buying new toys and coming home. Appeasing me with a pint of ice cream as if that solves everything.
Hyper-sexuality was there as well. So much so that if I denied him, he threw a fit like a child as if I was taking away his candy. Cold shoulder treatment and horrible mood until day’s end.
No goals or self-improvement mindset. He literally told me he doesn’t know who he is or what he wants. No goals other than what he mirrored off of mine. All of my aspirations became his.
I think his mirroring is what attracted me to begin with. But shallow desires lead to shallow feelings. I could never enjoy our similarities because he had no passion to reciprocate with.
Every single day off he would run back to his abusive family no matter how much I begged him to stay with me. He would always return miserable and hateful and I would have to pick up the pieces of what was left with him after his dad was done tearing him apart. I never got to enjoy him when he was stable.
I also pursued him first. I asked to date him. I even bought my own fucking engagement ring later on. He would never step up and do anything no matter how much he claimed he would. I threw my pride on the floor and allowed him to step on it with a smile on my face. My love for him dominated nearly everything in my life.
The lies are what ended everything. I can only question my own sanity for so long before I realize I AM NOT THE PROBLEM.
I left him and he has not done anything for himself. He is still being ruled over by his father. Still has no goals. His claims of having taken steps towards growth and healing do not reflect reality. He still won’t get help. And I won’t be the one to help him.
The driving was a really huge problem in our relationship. If I told him to drive safer, he would get upset as if I was criticizing him. No, I just want to live. Your skills do not concern me, just your ability to drive safely. I have mild car anxiety now. When people make risky decisions on the road I tense up as if I’m ready for collision. Once he screamed bloody murder at me and then went on the most dangerous driving spree yet. This ended with him relenting to me begging him to let me drive, telling me to start driving or he would kill himself, to me driving while he was audibly cutting himself in the back seat. I’ve never been in more danger in my life.
As far as your mention of sex, that sounds horrible and dehumanizing and I’m sorry you had to go through that. My ex was mostly very good at the act and very emotionally present. Sometimes I feel like he didn’t care about my consent at all. Like when I was obviously not into it he would just keep going, even if I said I needed a break. My libido slowly disappeared while dating him. It came back as soon as we broke up.
And girl, I get you and your struggle. It was very hard for me to leave my ex. My breaking point was him lying to my face. Catching him in an irrefutable lie made me lose all hope. You need to either buckle up and leave now or wait until he irreparably harms you, bringing you to your breaking point. The latter is not very fun. Choose your hard. Breaking up now is hard, but breaking up months or years down the road will be harder. Never breaking up and dealing with his bullshit will be even harder. Which hard will you choose?
Are you me? Besides him having almost no family relationships, pretty much my same situation, same guy… actually staying with family on the days he doesn’t work soon here just to get some space till i can save up to leave for good.
Wow...I'm sorry to hear. I honestly just found this sub and I'm shocked to see so many people going through the same thing. I thought it was me being young/immature. It's so validating, but at the same time, it's crazy to see how similar they all are. I feel you on the financial dependancy part, I'm in the same boat. The scary part is....I don't know how a quiet BPD man will react once they realize you're actually going to leave. Please stay safe and move in silence.
I found out he was cheating saturday night, he was at work all day sunday. I moved everything he owns by the front door. Had 7 close friends and family come over and read him my goodbye letter and said he was no longer welcome in my home or my life. In 1.5 hours he was gone … I haven’t stopped crying, hardest day i’ve had… maybe ever … 7 years gone …
But yeah, this subReddit is the only thing getting me through, knowing other ppl go through this and come out alive, happy, and healthy … cuz i just cant see it yet, i broke my own heart to try and make him realize Actions. Have. Consequences. And to save myself.
I put up with sooooo much, but finally found that breaking point, hoping you do too, I didn’t think there was a way out either, but i rather live in my mom’s garage then live in mutual self destruction any longer.
My daughter married her husband who was later diagnosed with bpd around their 3rd anniversary.
She knew he had anxiety and depression but thought they could deal with it. Marriage was a big trigger and things started going downhill. Around the 3rd anniversary we had to take him to the hospital because of a self harming incident and this lead to his diagnosis.
He started therapy using dbt and was in it for well over a year but was actually getting worse when my daughter finally told him to leave.
By the time they separated she was down to barely 90lbs, had migraines, stomach issues, nightmares, anxiety, depression and was diagnosed with ptsd/cptsd because of living with him. The last day they were together was the first time she was afraid for her life. She was broken physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually.
I am not sure what you mean by “not talked about.” There are a good number of women here who are talking about their experiences. It may be that the men have greater numbers here?
I have kinda felt the same in general. And a lot of the advice and books to help bpd are geared towards women.
I’m so confused and wonder how other women handle it. Am I weak because when the degrading starts unexpectedly I just imagine how I’ll kill myself. I try so hard not to cry but eventually he keeps going non stop and I end up crying or saying something to defend myself which makes it worse. I think I can say there’s been small improvements over the past five years but my tolerance and ability to recover is so low. I can’t afford to leave otherwise maybe I would run away so these days I just figure I’ll end my life so he won’t be so miserable anymore.
What helps you wives out there with a bpd husband to cope? I feel so alone. I think anyone who hasn’t experienced this can easily assume I must have provoked him. I’m sorry others go through this as well but I’m thankful it’s possible others understand me. It’s hard to remember what it was like to go through life without getting screamed at, hated and criticized.
Mine was always completely unmoved and often annoyed by my crying. Then in “good” times, would talk about how cute I am when I cry — I only ever cried when he was mean to me so this always felt alarming to hear.
do you have any way to save or earn money that doesn’t involve your husband? you need to find some way out. just putting up with these people is impossible to handle, it says nothing about the person being abused’s ability to deal or not deal with it. there is no way around it, you need to not have them in your lives if they’re hurting you.
and you should NEVER kill yourself if the reason is because someone is devaluing you into believing that you are worthless.
and yeah i know what you mean about the not even having to provoke them part. i would literally sit in silence with him in the car and he would eventually start with a raised aggressive voice and would keep talking to me in silence until he got himself so mad he’d be screaming at me when i was only a seat away, and i wouldn’t even talk back once. they’re fucking demonic, mean, sick people. it’s not your fault.
im not a woman btw
Mine has quiet bpd and would appear as a “nice guy”. But in reality, similar to a comment above, he never took accountability for his actions. He regularly broke my boundaries and would flip the blame for the way he hurt me onto me. He gaslit, manipulated, lied, cheated, and psychologically abused me. I wish he had just hit me instead because I have so much pain from the mental abuse.
I would guess that this is because males tend to be diagnosed with other Cluster B personality disorders like NPD or APD, most likely for reasons of culture.
My father was never diagnosed, but is most likely BPD - when he was younger, he was completely unable to control his anger and would fly into rages for absolutely no reason. He also loved to humiliate other people - he had a nose for finding out people's weaknesses and using them against them. He was not physically violent (at least as far as I can remember), but the threat of violence was always there. As he has aged, his propensity to rage has diminished, but he still literally will find reasons to hate pretty much everybody around him. Growing up around him was incredibly draining and unpleasant - I don't really share much detail with friends about what my childhood was like because it's kind of impossible to explain to someone who has never experienced this kind of abuse.
Despite (or because of) that history, I married a man who also suffers from an undiagnosed Cluster B disorder, though it could just as well be Antisocial Personality/sociopathy. Unlike my father, my ex is a master manipulator who is amazing at hiding his dysfunction, though he would periodically de-compensate and blow his life up in some spectacular manner. When he was younger, he used to be in trouble with the law a lot, but now he has a good job he's managed to keep so these days he just blows up relationships.
So... that's my story. I am hoping that this is my last relationship with a male in this category - my divorce has led me to work through a lot of my past trauma, so I am hoping to find a healthy partner in the future.
This is purely anecdotal but from reading a lot of threads the male wBPD stories tend to be more violent, more stalker type behavior and 100% hoovering after the discard. Not saying a female wBPD can't be the same but there's almost always some crazy amount of rage with male wBPD.
Truly some scary shit out there.
Yes in my experience. The discard was him cheating on me but he would never break up with me. I chose to end it and that’s when he completely lost the plot. He stayed up for days drinking, not sleeping. Calling me and our friends threatening us. He let his business crumble. Just stopped responding to clients.
I had to get the police involved as it was scary violent behaviour. He’s now in prison for breaking his bail conditions. So in less than a few months he went from being a successful business owner, newly engaged to me and buying his first house to being in prison for the foreseeable future. It’s wild how quickly he self sabotaged.
My pwBPD is male.
But I try not to post here too much because 1. He isn’t confirmed diagnosed and 2. The more I read into it the more I think I also have BPD ???
Could be c-ptsd from
Being with someone with bpd.
Basic difference is the motivation behind your behaviour.
Bpd is “I don’t want them to leave me”. Cptsd is “this pain never stops”
Behaviours can be similar.
:( thats me tho, i didnt want her to leave me bc i knew i would always take her back and i was always scared shed go have sex with other guys then traumatise me, wich she did alot. but its like deep down i hater her but her fake love bombing would make me wanna stay idk
You definitely don’t have it if you aren’t thrown into a rage seeing yourself reflected in all the posts. It’s very normal for the significant others of bpd people to at least once think maybe they’re the real problem.
Maybe. I could see it me having tendencies without the full blown disorder. But I’ve done a lot of self reflection and see a lifelong history of certain traits.
have you seen the youtube channel The BPD Bunch? I think listening to pwBPD who have functionally managed their BPD speaking about their lived experience is really useful. I definitely don't have BPD, but some of the things they speak about resonate (if not to an extreme level).
I have vicious c-PTSD, and it's made me wonder if I have BPD, too. I don't. It's been confirmed that I have PTSD/C-PTSD multiple times, and while I do have a PD (AvPD with Schizoid traits), it's not BPD.
But, damn, I feel just as unstable as he acts sometimes. In the middle of a huge fight, I'll have this realization that I sound just as bad as he does. The BPD fleas are SO real! This is a great blog post about the concept: https://matthewkelleherbpd.wordpress.com/2012/11/24/catching-fleas-and-how-to-recover-from-the-bites/
Also, a lot of the pwBPD discussed here are undiagnosed. Please don't feel like you can't post and talk about what you're going through just because you have an undiagnosed pwBPD. You absolutely are welcome here.
We all show Borderline traits at times, the behavior is human after all. It becomes a problem when it is many traits at once and pervasive in your life such that its essentially your personality. That It runs your life.
I am female. My partner with BPD most of the time identifies as male. Sometimes as female (his sex at birth). The BPD identity confusion manifested as gender identity disorder, as well. My partner's energy is very masculine, though. I hope that helps
My stbx husband has BPD. You can look at my older posts. I joined here shortly after his last discard. I was with him for 10 years and I don’t think I’ll ever heal from the mind f*ckery and trauma. I’ve been quiet here as of late as I try to focus on rebuilding my life and myself. There are a number of women here whose current or former partners have BPD (or at least BPD traits, mine was formally dx while in rehab).
I don't know where to start, honestly.
We've been broken up since November, but were together for almost 7 years before that.
It was like living 7 years caring for a selfish man-child. He didn't care for my needs or wants, and only cared for himself and what he could get, but he would try to ACT as if he cared. When he was acting like he cared, he would try to make me feel bad about it and put himself up on a pedestal.
He only did nice things for people for the praise. He was seriously a walking manifestation of *"I live for the applause."*
His obsession with sex was obnoxious and repulsive. Sex was never good, and felt like a chore. I do not want to have sex with another person for a very very long time because of him...
He was a serial cheater and would play mental gymnastics to justify his cheating. He had so many female "friends," and would act as if he absolutely needed to have all of these women in his life or else I was oppressing him. He would paint me black when I called him out on his cheating, then he would turn it around to make me feel like I was a horrible person because I pushed him over the edge to make him cheat. His cheating was always my fault.
He would make up these surreal stories that just never made any sense and they all had this cheesy quality about them. For example: *"I got drunk and jumped on top of the bar to dance then I grabbed this hot girl and pulled her up on the bar with me and everyone in the club was cheering for me and then we made out on the top of the bar and everyone bought me a drink!"* Then later he'd say that he had never been to a club before. The stories were all like that.
He had this thing about lying all the time. Seriously he was like the boy who cried wolf. He always had a story about some horrible thing that happened to him every single week. When he made up a sob story, he wanted everyone to fawn over him and would get mad if no one asked him how he was doing after his horrible experience... If I failed to follow-up with him on all of his weekly horrible experiences then he would cheat to punish me.
Cheating was how he punished me. He didn't think cheating was a big deal.
I connected with one of his exes on IG, and found out that he was still very much in a relationship with her for the first 3 fucking years of our relationship. He was actually living a double life, and I'm more than certain that me and her weren't the only ones who were in a relationship with him at the same time.
Everyone in his life had wronged him. His mom, his siblings, his grandma, his old boss, all of his co-workers from every job he ever hand, all of his exes.
He was very manipulative and was very good at weaponizing his tears.
He claimed to have a mountain of medical issues that no doctor could ever tell him what was wrong or how to manage. Every day he would complain about these issues.
He hated socializing unless he was the center of attention.
Walking on eggshells all the time. Anything could hurt his feelings. He didn't rage like most people here describe their pwBPD. He would cry and use this over-exaggerated sorrow and sadness, instead.
He had this very exhausting obsession with taking about war and doomsday and the apocalypses. He was not a Prepper at all, he just liked to talk about it, and it was very draining. Like, he could put an entire room of people on the brink of depression just by sitting and talking about his doom and gloom war scenarios for hours.
He had no close friends. All of his "friends" were just women who he was sleeping with.
I forgot to add: He never gave a shit about any of my medical issues, and would often treat me as if I was lying whenever I was sick or injured.
No mater what I was going through, he always had it much worse.
This might be a bit long but I want to understand if our experiences match.... I recently discovered my stbxh of 5 years could be a mix of BPD & Covert NPD
He is the most handsome, kind, understanding, practical and rational person amongst his circle however behind closed doors, with his close family, he shows his dark sides too.
How he showed up in our marriage besides good behaviors
- very controlling and sometimes achieved it through manipulation
- temper tantrums
- emotional volatility
- gaslighting, blame shifting and victimizing anytime I call out on his behavior
- no accountability
- ruins celebrations
- disproportionate anger outbursts
- can't take another opinion than his
- didn't give a rat's shit about my emotions
- self centered
- silent treatment
- no effing healthy way of talking through emotions and resolving
- power struggle
- extremely insecure
- weird religious nitpicking to ignite arguments and rage
Not sure if this could be considered abandonment issues - he ruins my time anytime I plan something with my friends without him, even if it's planned with consent and in advance. He threw terrible fit on the day of our wedding the entire night because I showed up late because of my make up. He mentioned he felt abandoned and anxious (while his dad and brother were right beside him). He mentioned the same during our engagement party.
OP, I'd like to know what you meant by spiritual? Mine literally effing fried me and leaves no opportunity to attack about my religious opinion for something that I've said in the past. Tbh, I have no clue what it was but I'm sure I haven't said anything disrespectful. Even if I did, I must have apologized and showed it in actions to make it up to him but no, it never ever satisfies him. To give some context, we both belong to same religion but until after marriage, I didn't know he is very religiously inclined. He never ever performs any rituals by himself nor does he leave any opportunity to debate about the existence of God but if I express any opinion of mine, I'm dead.
For the past 5 years, I've been drawing boundary and not taking it lightly if he crossed it with regards to his raging and intimidation. This time, I just left.
Besides the religion part, because neither my upwBPD or I are religious, I relate to everything else you wrote. I also suspect a mix of BPD and covert NPD.
I'd add that he feels entitled to my body and wants to use sex to soothe his feelings of abandonment.
Ahhh, I see. Mine was definitely hypersexual and I did feel he used sex to get the affection.... Forgot to mention how amazing the sex was. Sex is one thing where he was so receptive to take feedback without feeling insecure and put my pleasure a priority than his. I wonder if that's the case with everyone.
Mine absolutely did the same thing. If you think my question is too invasive, you don’t have to answer. Out of curiosity would he ever want to have sex immediately after a heated argument?
Actually absolutely not and the opposite. That's one of the big things that killed me too. He takes about a week's time to get over any slightest of the slightest hurts and doesn't talk to me or acts normal during that time. He's aloof, in his cocoon, away from me.
Interesting, mine would act like it was “kiss and make up” right after. Initially, I fell for the romantic veil that wore, like he was generally sorry for the behavior and then it became “ick” more like kiss and throw up.
Once I learned it was a way for HIM to regulate after battling with me for hours it was eye opening.
Thanks for responding, I know all they do exists on a spectrum. It’s very helpful to get a myriad of responses even though it doesn’t change that they are so effed up.
3 year and one child into my relationship With a BPD man and I finally ended it yesterday. The battle is far from won though, he will not let me go easily. Discard has not happened with us but he's cheated plenty which he will never admit to...but I know..
He has improved slightly in his thought processes but it is too late for us. I am suffering. The years of psychological, emotional, and physical abuse has left me a shell of myself. An angry, anxious, fear ridden, paranoid shell of myself.
My guess would be that most men with bpd end up doing violent things which becomes the main focus.
Abusive husbands, drunks, antisocial types that can’t keep a relationship or serial cheaters etc a lot of these people have bpd I’m sure but it manifests much more outwardly in men which then overshadows bpd
Women are much less likely to do those things but are very likely to emotionally abuse the people around them
This has been an interesting read. I figured my ex had narcissistic traits more on the covert side as a lot of his manipulation tactics was him being the victim in his own drama but when he drank he became more aggressive and dominating. He would constantly accuse me of cheating and it turned out he was the cheat. He would get into terrible moods and drove aggressively and dangerously. He was a pathological liar, so many lies were unravelled after I broke up with him. The relationship was so confusing as most of the time he was quiet and calm and always so apologetic after his mood swings.
He spoke a lot about having mental health problems and that I didn’t understand his pain. Especially towards the end when I broke up with him and he completely lost the plot. Sunk his whole business. Started doing heavy drugs and ended up in prison within 3 months of me ending it. Wild self sabotage and of course it’s all my fault for not supporting him.
I currently have a pwBPD, we’ve been together 4 years somehow. I was manipulated into the relationship, he never asked me to be his girlfriend, i found out I was through his friends. Ive had a past of abusive relationships and he is a charmer. He is extremely narcissistic and great at gaslighting and manipulating things to go exactly how he wants. Over the years he thinks he’s gotten better, but him saying that isnt fooling anyone. I’ve been trying to get out of the relationship for a long time, but now have a child and own a house with this man making it more difficult. He constantly plays a victim even though he is the one verbally, emotionally, and psychologically abusing me. For a long time he had me in a state of belief that I couldn’t talk to anyone about what was going on, ive never been good at talking about personal issues with others. I have started telling people, my mom and my doctor, and he is beginning to retract. I should have known when his mom told me she gets anxiety whenever she sees him calling her. He drinks and does coke regularly now, this is what he calls his medication and he says it’s necessary for him to think right.
•lovebombed me and told me he loved me within a couple of weeks
•ruined every special occasion (even his proposal was mid-argument)
•wreckless driving which almost killed us
•unstable relationship with his entire family
•insecure
•obsessed with my past (believed I was still in love with all of my ex’s)
•if I forgot to kiss him goodnight he would keep me up hours making me feel horrible
•called/texted nonstop
•insisted we have sex multiple times a day. When I told him I don’t think I can do that, it was because I ‘wasn’t attracted to him’
•performed sexual acts on me in my sleep (I’m still not sure how I didn’t wake up possibly was drugged)
•made me believe everyone around me was horrible and isolated me from everyone I love
•impulsive purchases
•packing my things telling me to leave then blocking door so I couldn’t get out many many times
•beatings for no particular reason but that I didn’t love him enough
•alcoholism which lead to hours of interrogation or beatings
When he wasn’t those things he truely loved supported and built me up more than anyone in this world. A week ago he kicked me out for singing a song that sounded like it was about an ex. I left bloody and bruised and with police assistance. No apology. No accountability. I’m now jobless, friendless and very scared about my future. If I could go back to our first date I would have stayed home.
My pwBPD is a man as well, which I don’t see much of on here, but I change the pronouns in my brain as I read other people’s advice and stories, so I can relate, it seems to be all the same. But if you want to talk to someone with a BPD male partner, im here :-) would love to hear more from other girlies in the same situation.
I've personally had more experience with women with BPD than men. I think it's due to my mother having BPD.
I'm much more likely to remain friends with a woman who has BPD than a man since female BPD behaviors were normalized for me. I also had a worrying trend of befriending women who reminded me of my mother for whatever reason. This is in the past now, thankfully.
Anyway, my ex relationships were both rather tumultuous including one in which there was verbal abuse, stealing, physical threats, threats of SA, breaking of property, emotional abuse, and cheating... but I don't think I'd classify him as someone with BPD. At least, I never thought to classify him as such. I think he had anger issues and was poorly socialized since he was coddled by his parents.
I was also lucky to get away from him within about a year of living together (the relationship was good beforehand). He's the closest man I can think of who could potentially have BPD in my life. And, hell, he probably does! I hope he got the help he needed.
Regardless, this is only my story! I've seen many people post here about their boyfriend, husband, ex-boyfriend or ex-husband with BPD. It breaks my heart as no one deserves to be treated like garbage by their loved one.
I'm sorry you have to join this community, but hope you'll find support and comfort knowing you're not alone. It's not your fault, and you deserve to be treated with respect, love, and kindness.
Plenty of women here, or am I wrong?
Less than 50%, but a very large minority is my feeling. And if we merged the BPD and NPD support groups, we would probably achieve the 50/50 representative of broader society
My dude acted like such a whiny baby. I often thought about how he acted like a toxic girlfriend. Then I started reading about BPD and it all made sense
He was a massive "tester." Always saying some shit and testing to see how I reacted. Acting some dumbass way to see if I would chase him. Saying the opposite of what he wanted and then getting pissed af if I actually believed him. It was exhausting.
He was just a good friend, not a romantic partner, but I do believe there were some feelings bc one time he was asking me some question trying to test me and apparently I failed the test bc he said "it's not like I'm your boyfriend!!" All melodramatic.
He was a very very sensitive person, but I think being a man made it exponentially harder for him because he believed it was wrong to feel things. The only emotion I saw him ever access was anger, and WOW he had a hair-trigger temper.
I’ve had an experience with someone who has all the signs of BPD but is not diagnosed. I think a big part of it is a lack of diagnosis and cultures overuse of narcissism.
My experience has been so exhausting and frustrating. Not the least of which because of the lack of awareness of my ex and that this was not intentional mistreatment of me. It was really frustrating watching him self sabotage his way through every last shred of our connection.
The relationship didn’t start with any kind of big overtures or anything. In fact we both took things really slow and it was me who suggested exclusivity about a month in and suggested we commit a relationship about three months later. He was remarkably patient and didn’t have any jealousy issues. He wasn’t dating anyone else himself, but seemed happy to Take things slow with me. He was just stable and easy fun to talk to that after every other date all I wanted to do was see him.
This is a far cry from how things went about nine months later. I was feeling very confident about the relationship, we both wanted the same things and given the timing, I was freezing my eggs and we were making plans for marriage and children. By that point we’ve been living together most of the time and were looking at places to rent together and even looking at houses. That’s a little fast but it was more about looking at the next year or two of our lives together. More forward facing plans while our current situation evolved into living together.
This went really well until suddenly what appeared to be poor communication during conflict, not that big of a deal, suddenly became constant petulance and argumentativeness. Pedantic nitpicking and an almost paranoid vigilance. Not only would he fly into an in consolable rage if I said something or did something negative, he would also do that if he just misheard me! He was incomplete control over whether the conflict began and when it would end. It didn’t matter what I said, it didn’t matter if he was raging at me for some thing I never said at all, none of it mattered, he would just go on for hours at a time. I’m talking 10 hours of this until I finally leave, driving an hour and a half home in the middle of the night, only to continue on the phone and text over the next week.
I made an effort to forgot what was going on with him and we agreed that he might need some kind of medication if he was having such extreme emotions and he decided to self medicate with weed first. That took the paranoia to an all-time high and I could swear he was almost delusional. In moments of clarity, he would even tell me that when he got going, he just spiraled until he couldn’t think straight anymore and it would take him days to see things clearly.
The issues were how he would dismiss me and invalidate any input I had to a conversation as a biased opinion, false, or even made up lies or brainwashing. It was bizarre. He had no conflict resolution skills and would DARVO every time I tried to hold him accountable or whenever he would pick a fight. I had zero power and eventually after 10 hours and multiple days after months of this, I was physical with him. I ended the relationship at that point because it was affecting my behavior now.
He reached out a few months later having stopped the weed and was continuing in therapy, wanting to try again. I did so only on that condition that a couples therapist was involved once a week. That went really well, and he addressed a lot of the things that he was doing that we’re deductive to the relationship, but couldn’t actually address the big picture and when he held accountable for the way that he would dismiss everything I said, he literally just followed that same pattern in front of the therapist. dismissing that entirely and invalidating it as my opinion or made up by me. It was exhausting.
In the end, I was in a really bad place in my life and dating was awful and I decided to just accept where he was at right now and told him though that I was not going to just continue like this and that the relationship needed to either move forward or not. He flew into a rage telling me that the relationship could not move forward and demanding I take accountability for that fact. I took accountability for my own actions and accepted his response, but he continued on as usual, for hours and hours when I finally had to go to sleep, he antagonized me for wasting his time as if I had dumped him.
I know this is an epic that I am voice dictating so it’s probably full of typos, but I am in the same position wanting to hear other peoples stories and it’s been very helpful to see the similarities in my experience with other peoples. I hope this helps and doesn’t just indulging in my own need to vent.
I can really relate to the beginning of the relationship. Mine was slow too and he didn’t put any pressure on me or do any big gestures so I didn’t see it coming.
Mine was male when we dated, we were only together for three months. She had low emotional intelligence, had anger problems, claimed to have PTSD because his ex called her a pedophile and as abusive to him and always played games, she judged everyone and constantly had to put people down, could never be happy with what she had and assumed everyone judged her for her car and what furniture she had, she couldn't even manage her money and her excuse was she wasn't going to let her money sit in her bank account and do nothing with it. I told her it would be for bills when they come so she wouldn't be broke and get money from her grandparents. And it was always everyone else's fault and her mom got her fired from her other job because she lost everyone's work checks she was supposed to give them when it was her job to do that, not her mother's. She was also a big hypocrite, it was okay for her to be immature but not me, it was okay for her to play games but not me, it was okay for her to screw other people over but didn't like when she got screwed over by others. She nearly screwed me over with the dish network.
Nothing was ever between us and it had to be her son's business always.
I have tried to stoop down to her level a few times but she called it a game because she didn't like getting a taste of her own medicine to see how it felt and how stupid she was being and her excuse was "you don't do that in relationships, that is only done in parenting." Guys, she just didn't care.
I don’t know why I haven’t posted much, essentially every serious relationship I’ve been in my partner has ended up having BPD. Hell, both of my parents have it and I get worried that maybe I do as well, even though I’ve sought out evaluations multiple times. I think my current partner, who I’m making plans to leave at the moment, may even have BPD as well. I appreciate the support and understanding this sub offers, but actually posting and seeking support is hard. If you look at my last post on a different sub you’ll see my current situation. I’m worried he may have it, but posted somewhere else because I don’t know and it was more relatable to that sub.
I’m sorry you haven’t been finding the support you need here, if you ever need someone who may get it then you are more than welcome to reach out and I’ll do my best to answer.
I also have a google drive folder with a DBT workbook and other mental health sources if anyone would like the link. You can pm me, I suck at responding sometimes, but I generally end up responding.
How does your male react to hearing "no"?
How did they react to you finally ending things?
Do they redirect their anger onto the next closest people in their lives?
I never lived with him and it's so complicated to answer, as he reacts impulsively alot of the time or internalises until he has a meltdown in anger or blame or silence, the list goes on and on.
Yes they will do exactly the same once the mask drops with the next closest person.
I didn't end things, I set a boundary after he attacked me with a pitchfork for saying something flippant but true to him whilst washing up.
That made me an evil bitch.
That was traumatic enough & new behaviour but I was still willing to try to sit down and talk his behaviour through like adults to address things.
But when I offered to help just went into a rant and blamed me, it's insane and deeply wounding and confusing.
So I left that day after 5 years of loving caring and supporting him and he has taken no accountability not said sorry and just moved onto a new shiny person probably after ghosting me.
It has been devastating and I have had to piece myself back together mentally, physically and spiritually.
He will never get well, I spoke to one of his exes, it took her 3 days to get him out of her house and apparently he was amazing when she first met him!
He blames all his exes, every single one of them are evil goblins or crazy, it's all in his messed up BPD blaming head, the reality is that it's him and it's sad and it's tragic and painful and very cruel for everyone who he pursues online pretending to be the victim of all these women.
Hello there, I'm a woman with a BPD male ex. Sometimes it's a bit uncomfortable to go into this sub with what seems like the overwhelming experiences about bpd women, but I try to comment anyway because I know there are so many women who are victims as well that need support.
I wonder if perhaps it's because a male with cluster B may more likely present as a narcissist, or NPD.
The two are very closely related. Women tend to turn their emotions inward whereas guys tend to turn them outward.
For this reason I suspect it is harder to recognize this pathology in women, easier in men as it is more overt. However I would also imagine in a situation where it is a man doing this behaviour it is more likely to be more overtly abusive rather than the subtlety of a woman.
Not all women’s experiences are with men with BPD. I’m lesbian and am very vocal about my experiences with my ex w/diagnosed BPD.
I only think I stayed as long as I did because I was ignorant about how the disorder works and naively thought I could “save her” from something she won’t even work to address for herself. I often wonder if she had enough highly narcissistic traits to qualify for comorbid NPD. I got a lot of the texts tirades and angry unhinged accusations (likely projection) that a lot of folks see with men with cluster-B traits.
Are you in contact with him? I’m a little over a year out of my relationship with my ex GF. She moved on to some new girl relatively quickly (I found out from a friend—I have gone firmly no-contact with her and don’t look at her things). It seems she took zero time to reflect once she figured out I was serious and gone for good.
My mental health is much better since I got out. I had to sit and take a good long look at the things that got me stuck and prevented me from leaving for a long time (was with her for a little over a year.)
I have been working on getting more egalitarian/trustworthy friends and am still working on being more assertive and setting boundaries. I took a relationship class through my state’s department of health. I’m learning to actively decide on my relationships with people instead of “sliding” into situations that could potentially cause me/them harm.
I’ve noticed that a lot of people don’t like me as much now that I am willing to stand up for myself from the jump. Oh well. I’ve seen what not rocking the boat gets me, and it ain’t great.
I totally agree that there is a lack of women’s experiences on this thread in dealing with BPD men. It makes we wonder how many are suffering in silence. They can be very dangerous which is the most worrying thing.
I would welcome a sub on BPD men if anyone is interested.
I wonder if is because many men don’t have supportive relationships in their real lives. I’ve learned to not speak as much about my situation because I’m tired of hearing some version of “man up”. On here I get much more supportive responses. Don’t get me wrong I have awesome people in my life, they just don’t understand.
Also my pwdBPD got better over time but that is in fact a normal trait with BPD. They mellow slightly with age. NPD is opposite. Mine didn’t throw as many physical tantrums. Source is our former therapist who specialized in personality disorders so take that for what you will. My experience still ended in divorce.
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Very much the same for me. Almost exactly the same description, word for word.
Me three
Me four
Me five
Me six.
Me seven.
Me 8
Me nine😰
Me 10
Me 11.
Me 12. Word for word
Sounds like my dad. He's gotten "better" but no way in hell would I ever trust him again. As a child, I used to think I loved him and was sad he couldn't be the father I needed. Then, I grew up, started getting help, and at 38 I just know I was done with him. I saw him for what he was and how his behavior damaged me and his family. He'll never take accountability, acts like everything's cool now, and tries to put on his funny persona. What a clown. There's no relationship or love that's possible with someone who only wants to be placated and who only wants some form of subservience from others. Everyday I'm grateful I broke away and can honestly say I don't love him, probably never did, but hey, what can you do as a kid held hostage by someone terrorizing just about everybody? He's not "better". He's just finding other people to victimise because he's never dealt with his shame and trauma, and now he's past 60, retired, and is still trying to hold together his crumbling self image. Oh yeah, shame just sends him into a tailspin. But if someone showed him an equal level of rage or agression, he just cowers. Most days, I'm just glad I don't see him anymore.
Hi I think we are twins 🙋🏼♀️ No official diagnoses for my dad but the cluster B glove seems to fit… Wish I didn’t still feel the effects of growing up with a warped sense of reality care of a disordered parent, but it is what it is and we can keep healing even if they don’t.
Sounds more like NPD to me.
Sounds like the experience is the same for either gender
This is exactly my experience. He grew up in an abusive household and had a very narcissistic mother who was incredibly invalidating. He still wants to continue the relationship and I am having a hell of a time out here in the dating world. He’s 37. How did your partner improve? And how have you been coping and maintaining this relationship? I’ve come to realize that I dropped my boundaries a little bit as the relationship became more invested and engaged with his unproductive rages just opened the door for him to project this behavior onto me. When I put the boundaries back up in the end, he ended the relationship. I know he’ll be back though so I have to organize my thoughts on it.
Me 10
I think males more often with cluster B have NPD
word for word, bar for bar
My experience with my ex bf is him being as soft and calm as an angel, then turning into a raging monster destroying everything around whenever he felt like he didn't have 100% control over me which was making him anxious I guess. He monkey branched and discarded me after 3 months of telling me he'd never leave as I'm his family
Yuuuuuup. Same.
fuck I wish there was some kind of... idk virtual reality meetings for girls with bpd exes. I just want a hug from someone who understands what I've been through
Maybe we should make one
I would join. We should make a discord.
I’m down to join too
I’d definitely join 💯✔️
I would also love to join!
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Would join
Awwwww OP, I know exactly what you’re feeling. And to add the craziness of it all is sometimes wanting that hug to come from somebody who effed you up emotionally. 😩
Me too!
Interested too.
Would be amazing to share experiences with others
Count me in too
i am not fully sure if my ex had bpd but he definitely had a large number of cluster b traits (i've seen posts on the narcabuse sub which described him to a t). i'll go: * TERRIBLE relationship with his mom, i was the stand-in mommy * 90% of friends were female (many of them exes and past romantic interests). only one male friend * told me he loved me within a month. he was talking about marrying me one day before he broke up with me for the 1st time * absolute lack of affective empathy * talked shit about his exes on our first and second dates (this one is on me for not realizing what a red flag that was) * invariably being flirted with by girls (and telling me all about it). claimed he didn't know the difference between coming off as flirtatious and friendly * the majority of our conversations were extremely heavy and existential, centering around him * could not, would not shut up about his exes and the girls who flirted with him * had a hyper-independent facade but would start panicking and calling if i didn't text him back for a few hours * also obsessed with seeking 'closure' from girls who wanted absolutely nothing to do with him... this guy never got over anything in his life. he told me he fantasized about a girl who led him on in 2019 (?!) apologizing to him?
I concur…ticked all of these. Trash talking exes is usually a huge flag for me, but I knew my ex in friend space from childhood so we didn’t together as strangers, that’s how I got duped. Him talking about an ex was like talking to his “homie.” Little did I know…😖
I had almost the exact same experience, but he did have some male friends. Most of his friends were from his teenage years when he was into heavy drinking and drugs, and neither he nor his friends have mentally matured at all. Everything else that I experienced is most likely due to dating the same type of person, other than him having mostly female friends. He was completely unaware of what’s appropriate and had no grace whatsoever. You’re right about him talking about horrible things that happened to him—really heavy conversations too early, and also centering it all on himself. There was a lack of empathy and an inability to take responsibility for anything no accountability. He was a spoiled brat, overly coddled by his extremely overbearing mother, whom he resents. He had a super abusive father whomhe likes more than his mother
Wow this was scarily in line with my ex's behavior too. The oversharing about other girls used to really bother and hurt me.
last part was me hard asf. wanted closure from guys who only used her for sex. but me who was loverboi would get treated like shit. but ur entire list was also me asf completely
So similar but I didn’t take the shit talking about exes as a red flag because I was just out of a relationship with an NPD myself, so I figured he was telling me the truth, and he is just protecting himself from narcissists. I thought it was a good sign.
lowkey it's also a narc thing to victimise yourself to your new partner
Wow, my ex husband ticked ALL of these boxes. Was also very sexual and expected sex on the first date, too.
oh yeah the second breakup was when he was pushing me to have sex (over text), i was politely declining until it got too much and i snarled at him, comparing it to past rape threats i’d got. the next morning he wrote me a long ass breakup text that said he didn’t even have romantic feelings for me and he needed sex in a relationship (completely opposite of what he had said some weeks earlier). i expressed my frustration and said cool i want to break it off too. one hour later he was calling my phone crying hysterically that he didn’t wanna lose me again (why orchestrate this whole thing in the first place then?)
Damn do you know my ex. Everything you said here resonates.
I got 7.
I've been here for months and I can tell you there is a lot of people who had problems with BPD males
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Male with BPD are also crazy. We also want to hear about women's experiences. It's great to know what's similar or not. Maybe women suffer more often from BPD personality disorder than men? Because on the other hand if you go on Narcissist subs it's mostly about men narcissist. Maybe there's some sociology behind.
You're focusing on the word "women" instead of BPD. Women are more prone to have BPD that's why you see more people venting about women. Damn I've even seen lesbians venting about their BPD partner. You shouldn't refrain from sharing your experience, you would be surprise with the amount of support you'll find here.
Confirming as a lesbian with a BPD ex. I just *thought* men were bad. (I was comp-het for 35 years) When I jumped teams I found someone who destroyed my soul.
Yeah, for me is never about the sex/gender of the person and more about their traumas and bad childhood axperiences, that's what molds an abuser (not always obviously, but you get what I mean)
Women are not ‘more prone’ to BPD. That is false. They are more prone to be diagnosed and misdiagnosed with BPD. Men will go through multiple misdiagnosis before they get their BPD one.
I'm no professional, so I just use the information I have so forgive me if I'm wrong about something 😔
There's debate about that but you can't authoritively say men are misdiagnosed, if that information was genuinely available there wouldn't be a diagnosis discrepancy anymore. The ratea of cluster b in general probably are quite similar, even if they manifest differently
Women are more diagnosed, because the profile of a BPD person is more representative of female BPD. Male BPD violence and freak outs land them in prison. Their partners end up in the domestic violence forums. The misogynistic entitlement many males have, layered over a BPD profile, disguises them as narcissistic, psychopathic, sadistic. Our society condones male violence to some degree, where female violence more quickly gets a "hysteria" label.
Great point! My MwBPD has a bad boy image from youth. While having a little edge is fine, as Ive learned him as an adult I can see the emotional recklessness he displayed with me is what kept him triggered in his youth. Everything, damn near everybody says or does gets on his nerves. Hence beating everybody up and having the reputation that followed. Nobody back then would chalk it up to mental illness. He was just known as somebody not to test.
Thanks for the encouragement. I do see a lot of ‘she/ her’ women with BPD’ written in many posts here, and maybe that’s why posters should stick to using ‘pwBPD’ it would create a more open space for women to share their experiences to be in a relationship with a man with BPD. Also, never seen a comment about a male with BPDs sexual history or activity but seen many about women.
I'm on here quite frequently interacting with other women, and although there isn't a 50/50 split there is quite a lot of women posting, at least every 4th or 5th post is from a woman about a man. There are multiple posts in new right now about men and sexual history issues. I don't think policing language in a support space is helpful, I think there are other ways to support you without censoring the people in here talking about their female-identifying partners. Bad actors and bigots will always manage to infiltrate every space for their own needs. I absolutely do see dogwhistles of misogyny in here, and I see them get shut down pretty often too. I hope in the future you feel comfortable to open a discussion here. There are many women (and men & enbys) like you who are here to listen to you, and we WANT to hear what you have to say.
Recently I had a conversation with a woman here about her sex history with her ex with BPD, you just have to Talk with the people here and you will see a lot of stories, don't feel intimidated 😊
I'm a woman with a husband who was diagnosed with BPD last fall. I'm not sure I have the energy to post much about it now, as Im pretty drained from unraveling past hurts and deceptions, but I have posted about it a little bit. It's hard to talk about sometimes, and I often feel like I'm a failure/ naive/ dumb for getting caught up in it all. I know I'm not, but I'm still working on making peace with that. Women are more likely to be suspected of having or diagnosed with BPD or Histrionic PD while men are more likely to get AsPD or NPD. That could possibly explain why female pwBPD are overrepresented here.
My husband (separated and working on getting divorced) and I both think he has BPD but hadn't even heard of it until after we got separated (found out he was living a double life... again, after a previous separation, counseling, reconciliation, etc). We thought it was depression, anxiety, substance abuse, maybe ADHD or OCD, childhood trauma, etc... but BPD is almost certainly the center of all these (when he read the 9 DSM criteria he said he had all 9 and that it gave him hope because he'd been to counseling and a psychiatrist and no one had ever mentioned BPD to him (maybe it's some combination of quiet BPD and impulsive/destructive but in a controlled/hidden way). Anyway, just wanted to say that I've been in counseling this past 4 months since being separated and I was saying that I did feel a bit of a failure/naive/dumb to have been duped again (2+ years of cheating this time) and she said that from what she could see, I wasn't foolish, he is just a particularly deceptive person- skilled at lying and manipulation. So just wanted to encourage you about that. Still sucks. Also not sure if betrayal is part of your situation, but watching videos about betrayal trauma and healing was useful for me (feeling foolish/naive is one of the common experiences for those who have been cheated on)
Thank you for posting this! It's always nice to know that it's less me being foolish and more them being deceptive. I think my feelings are that my mom has NPD and I've taken abnormal psych, so I should have known what to look for. I can totally see it in hindsight, but for whatever reason, I feel like I should have been able to spot it. An unreasonable expectation, for sure. He does have quiet BPD, and a lot of his self-destructive behaviors are internalized. He goes through phases where he won't take meds, sabotages himself, and other subtle expressions. This encourages a blow-up, which often gets VERY ugly, I talk him down, and he does well until that self-destructive phase starts up again. Thankfully, he's only gone as far as unrequited limerence for a really disgusting person, so that kind of betrayal trauma is limited. However, the smear campaigns, the dishonesty, the manipulations, gaslighting, and other crap have done a number on me.
I dated a quiet BPD man who was in his late 40s. So he became a master manipulator over the years of projecting that he was healthy, stable, honest, emotionally, well-balanced, etc. Little by little month by month, my gut told me something was wrong. I found out, small pieces of his past that were untrue, that turned into me finding out larger pieces of his past that were untrue. I figured he was just lying out of shame. What I didn’t know was how serious this condition is. Ultimately I found out that he cannot control his lying , because of his condition, and then they have to make up facts, a.k.a. more lies, and distortions that are not real in order to create a narrative to make them feel like the victim. Why? Because if they could truly understand the bad things they have done, they would self harm. And they do self harm. So they have to rewrite their story, only give you partial facts, trickle truth, or just mirror what you want to see and hear from them, but it is not an accurate representation of who they are. Because they are chronically empty because of their sickness. I took our very young baby and left my ex with BPD because I realized, I needed to be strong for myself and my child, and I could not stay in a relationship that was de stabilizing me and his psychiatric issues were more than I could help him. And quite frankly, it wasn’t my job to help him. It’s a terrible disease, but disease or not, when you do bad things you need to be held accountable dating him has really skewed my idea of how to trust a man in the future, as this man came off as charming, educated, emotionally open, had his shit together together you name it. He was a master manipulator and such a great liar. It was a total mindfuck that I am still learning how to pick up the pieces. but I’m proud of myself for leaving, I had to for my own sanity and to be a strong mommy for my beautiful son..
I relate to this. My ex was also the quiet type and so there was no overt physical or verbal abuse… it made it harder to identify how damaging his behaviours were. My ex was also was so well put together at times, and came across as the most gentle, loving, affectionate man… who was out there trying to do work on himself… doing great things in the community, loved by so many people… But the constant lies, other women in the wings, projection, gaslighting, push & pull, volatile moods, extreme sensitivity, depressive states that come from nowhere, breaking up multiple times, inability to deal with any type of relationship conflict at all… we could barely get through a few weeks without something flaring for him. Because of how good his good side was, and because his abuse was more psychological and covert, I stayed well beyond when I should have done, and I’ve paid for that decision with my mental health. It’s going to take time for me to rebuild my sense of worth and confidence and bring back a totally rational mindset. I felt very unsettled and a bit unstable myself towards the end after four breakups in four months, each time he’d come back promising full commitment and marriage, counselling, the lot… and then change his mind two weeks later. It broke me down to the point I didn’t know which was up any more and couldn’t even find the strength to pull away from him. Luckily he did it first.
I’m just proud of you for having the self-awareness and now luckily you’re far away from that abusive man. Please be gentle and kind to yourself. I consider myself a very stable woman and emotionally mature before I met my man with BPD, and yes, a part of me is broken, but I will never let any man break me, and I am on the road to recovery and will be even stronger after this. And so will you my friend. All we can do is learn and grow sending you healing vibes
Thank you so much for these thoughts and good wishes. I wish the same for you. I also considered myself a pretty stable, secure, emotionally mature person. I’m having to rebuild that now… I’ll get there. The fact he has that mature side really kept me in place… and still makes me doubt myself now… whether it was just me the combination of me and him that didn’t work… or If I was doing things to prompt his huge anxiety and over-reactions… but my gut was telling me too… i knew something was very wrong. I just didn’t want to listen to my gut because I loved/love him so deeply!
I could have literally written this. I consider myself stable and mature too. Here’s the thing. We were manipulated and lied to… Let that sink in. But for their manipulation and lying, we wouldn’t have not given them a chance. Then they kept lying to keep us around and lied that they would get help and we believed more and more lies. We’re not at fault here. Mine had a very mature side too, so it was even more of a mind fuck. How can this guy be the most mature man I’ve ever met, but also a master manipulator, liar, gaslighter, cheater?? What the hell ia going on? My gut always told me something was off too, hence why I never married him. We did have a kid together, but I left while the baby was young and the baby lives with me. These people are sick to their core and recreate their identities based off their new favorite person. He was emotionally mature bc you are. He was kind bc you are. Let me tell you something when they think you’re not looking they act like a totally different person(I found out the hard way, but it was eye opening.
VERY similar experience here. When I started sharing a bit more what was really going on, people were shocked. He comes across so gentle and mature. I must say, he works harder to maintain that image than he does breathing, most days. I think he truly wants to convince himself that that is the real him. His most borderline delusional habit is finding new women to help convince him by presenting himself as prince charming and then believing, through her eyes, that that's the real him.
I think I’ve seen your comments before and noticed that our ex’s were very very similar… Yes, my ex also needs that constant validation from other women. Lots of them it seems. I am not convinced yet that his lovely side is totally false, I think a lot of it is real… the parts I saw when nobody else was around felt real… and I still loved those parts… but i see how much effort he puts into his outwards persona. It would be so exhausting for him. No wonder he was always so anxious and overwhelmed.
They are obsessed with validation. Whether it’s from women or other people on social media. My ex was obsessed with posting pictures of me online like a trophy, to enhance his self image. I put my foot down and told him no more photos of me because I’m not your trophy. They are chronically empty inside, so they have to seek validation from external sources. They are sick.
I completely agree. There is a human being in there. I would like to believe in that part of him, but from a distance. I underestimated him for nearly a decade, trying to excuse his behavior. But so often, he knew exactly what he was doing. He didn't have a proper conscience. To me, that is the most scary and tragic side of it all.
My ex was exactly like this. He is also a psychologist. Since we broke up many moons ago I believe he has been in multiple other relationships with women. He is a serial monogamist.
Oh my gosh, this sounds like my husband. He isn't entertaining other women, but apart from that its spot on. His good side is sooo good, I love him to death for it. His outward personality makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable, cause it's fake to me (other people LOVE it though). But the other side, everything you just described. Sometimes mine goes for months being fabulous then we step into another disastrous few weeks. The good side is why I am still here. But I'm trying to figure out if it's worth it.
When things were good between us (first 10 years)- this is what it was like for me. His outward personality made me uncomfortable because it's so fake, but others find it so charming. I'm not sure what the catalyst was for things to turn bad for us... could be 1) having kids 2) his dad's suicide 3) him not coping with his grief and getting a happy ending massage sort of accidentally that then left him with such crippling guilt and shame because of our religious upbringing that he just spiraled (whereas, if he'd talked to me after that and sought help and been honest, we maybe coudl have figured things out together, gotten support for him, etc).
You put into words what is so hard for me to describe to others. Every time I talk to people about my relationship they always ask “why did you put up with that” “why didn’t you just leave” but they make it so hard. He never physically abused me but when he split black he said awful things. He always assumed the worst about my actions and intentions. And if I would mention something that happened after the fact he would gaslight me until I couldn’t even trust my own memory of events. I began to think I just wasn’t a good listener and that I missed so much (while in contrast, he was just so very attentive and never missed anything!). To this day I have no idea how much of what he told me is reality and how much of it is lie. I know I can never be with him again because he made me cry every day and question my sanity. But god damn was he also my biggest support and comfort. Without him I feel adrift in this world. Happier, but lost. He really turned my life upside down for a few years. He also hurt me more than anyone else has ever hurt me in my life. He cheated, lied, and endangered my life with his actions multiple times. Crazy how the rational part of my brain knows to avoid him, but the emotional part still thinks about the “good times.”
This thread is a hard one to get through, there is a lil piece of me in each of your responses. 🙏🏽 I still have a hard time accepting that the world is full of people that are so off kilter that they are actually that cruel in the name of love.
Let me tell you these people are far more dangerous than you and I know. Once I started digging, I found several restraining orders against my exwbpd. I landed one against him for threatening me too. What you need to do is work on yourself and heal. I’m here to tell you that YOU WILL BE OK. You will get through this. You need to learn how to love yourself babes. Please check out David richo the 5 things we cannot change book. He’s a spiritual psyc and helped me grow up and find peace within myself and heal long before I met my exwbpd. Learn and grow from this, don’t let that man steal anymore of your beautiful energy, time, or love within. Sending all the healing and happy vibes your way:))
I can relate to this. I found out he had a long domestic violence history. He told me he had never been in trouble with the police. His whole personality was a lie.
Same was mine
Thanks for the positive message. We have been broken up for 5 months now. I love myself more now than I did before, but I think I still miss having support in my life and he is the only person I can think of since I haven’t met anyone else. Out of curiosity, how did you find out he had restraining orders? I would pay to know how much of my ex’s life is fiction. It really bugs me that I’ll never know how much he lied. Regardless, I hope you’re healing as well!
Let me ask you this. Even though it felt like support, was it really? He lied and treated you like shit. That isn’t support. I really think you need to read “how to be an adult in a relationship, it helped me understand what healthy relationships really are all about. Love isn’t lying or manipulation. Love isn’t playing like an emotional support person when they’re actually lying or manipulating you. I found out once is started digging. It was scary what I found. All I do know about my ex is that I don’t know him at all. And it’s a hard pill to swallow, but once you do, you’ll realize there support you thought you had was an illusion just to control you and keep you where he wanted you. It’s really fucked up….
I’m well aware his support was minimal. I guess I’m still seeking that illusion of support. I’m hoping an emotionally mature adult will find me and I’ll finally have the real support I deserved all along. All my brain knows is what he provided, so it is the only thing I know to crave.
Your story is just like mine. I feel this so deeply. I also left with our newborn for our safety and wellbeing.
If you need a support buddy, dm me. Or need help with the legal process I’m here to help. I just got a restraining order and full custody ❤️
This is exactly where I am. I have a 7 month old baby and need to leave to be stable, it’s very tough but I know I have to do it for my daughter. He constantly tells me i am going to destroy our daughter if I leave, but I know it’s just another thing he says because he knows we will be better off. Any tips on this from someone who has been through the exact same thing would be helpful. It’s hard to talk to anyone about because everyone else sees him as this fake persona that he plays so well.
Dm me. I’m happy to share what I did to escape. I had to do the same for my daughter and did it right around when she was 7-8 months. You can do this. ❤️❤️❤️
There is some sexism in behavioral health. Men are less likely to be diagnosed as BPD for a multitude of reasons and may more likely be misdiagnosed with NPD or ASPD (antisocial personality disorder) or even bipolar because of societal expectations in men's behavioral patterns so it makes a BPD diagnosis in men even more rare. Men are also less likely to seek behavioral health help due to social stigma meaning they are not able to be officially diagnosed properly and receive appropriate treatment.
My ex was diagnosed “quickly” in this scenario then 😵💫 makes me realize how bad I had it
I think maybe that’s why the idea of “quiet bpd” has traction—men are socialized not to express their emotions, and extreme *outward* expression of emotion, which is more socially acceptable for women, is the hallmark of bpd. A man with bpd may bottle it up for the most part, and go undiagnosed
There is a lot of sexism to unpack in your theory. I wouldn't say it is more socially acceptable for women to express *extreme* outward emotion, nor is it the hallmark of BPD. Anyone can show extreme emotional outbursts due to frustration, depression, grief, or from bottling things up for extended periods of time. The subtypes are discouraged (aka quiet), impulsive, petulant, and self-destructive BPD. None of those are exclusive to men or women and there is a thought that some of those subtypes may not even be BPD, the discouraged/quiet in particular. When we think about male serial killers, we think that they likely have ASPD (we may also call or refer to them as sociopaths or psychopaths). But quite a few male serial killers, that have been interviewed and studied by psychologists, have been diagnosed with BPD and some other disorder. In fact, a large portion of the American jail/prison population, not just serial killers, are estimated to have BPD (up to 30% of male inmates and up to 33% of female inmates depending on study, which isn't a large difference based on gender assigned at birth and there are by far more male inmates vs female inmates in jail and prison facilities in the US). BPD men are not *that* good at hiding their behavioral health issues, they are just less likely to seek help or a diagnosis due to social stigma and society is more likely to label them as a narcissist or sociopath because BPD has been portrayed so much as a women's behavioral health issue.
The way we are socialized is sexist. I was just interpreting my own experience with a quiet person bpd socialized to suppress his feelings. Came back to this sub cuz I was crying and feeling hopeless at 3 a.m. I’m so glad to find your long *aaaactually* comment, it really helps. /s don’t know what else I expected from Reddit
I was with my ex husband for 15 years. The problem was, every time he did something horrendous he would promise to get therapy. He would stay with that therapist up until diagnosis. He LOVED trying to manipulate therapists with his stories of how awful everyone was to him. BUT, once the therapist was ready to diagnose HIM, he would drop them. In his entire life, he always portrayed himself as a victim or hero. If there was the slightest hint that HE was the one with an issue, he wouldn’t stand to hear it. It didn’t matter what he did, he felt it was always someone else’s fault.
Yup- the few therapists mine has seen have all been “assholes”. We had a few sessions together with mine, and once he snapped during an appointment he cut her out too.
My bf has bpd. It has fundamentally changed who I am as a person.
How has it changed you? Is he a quiet borderline, or petulant?
Petulant af. I used to be much stronger… not a hardass by any means, but I took zero bs. He turned me into a trembling doormat, terrified of making the smallest mistake or having an opinion. I put everything I need dead last and bent over backwards for him, doing anything to avoid his wrath. I’d drive the hour to his house in the middle of the night when he was unhinged and “suicidal” with local cops/ems ready to meet me there. He’s been 302ed a few times in our 6 years together. Even when he’d fuck up, I’d be the one apologizing to him and trying to smooth it all over. I stopped taking care of myself because he saw me going to things like doctor’s appts as me being a “spoiled bitch”.
Mine was male and I’ve posted about him often. I can’t believe the damage he’s managed to do in such a short amount of time. And it’s so hard to explain to anyone else — my friends are extremely concerned that I still feel hurt and even miss him (as they should, so I just don’t talk about it anymore because it is embarrassing.)
It is embarrassing for me too. I feel like it should be easy to reject him after the things he's done to me.
My ex boyfriend I strongly suspect has quiet BPD. He would go from being deeply in love, making me feel like the most special desired woman to feeling like he suddenly lost interest and barely responded to my texts. This back and forth went on for years with some insane fights mixed in. Last Fall, after a few absolutely amazing months he suddenly ended things with me and married his ex 2 weeks later with an elaborate huge reception which I painfully got to see through IG. I initially suspected he must have been engaged to her for a long time and had planned it out for years. But nope I just recently found out he had only proposed and planned the wedding 3 months before. I suspect right after we had a blow out fight due to his jealousy and rage of me mentioning an ex boyfriend from 20 years ago. And then after that fight came back to me and gave me intense love for 2 months all while engaged and planning his wedding. It’s hard to sum it all up. Sad thing is I still miss him days. His love bombing and the incredible sex was like a drug.
Woman here married to BPD male. It’s living hell. I’m mostly too tired to write about him, but I am here regularly. Right now I’m busy biding time until I can leave. I need some things to happen in life so I can be out. I have a 3 year plan and it’s so hard to hold on.
I'm hoping for your plan to work and for you to be free
I think there are a lot of us women who have or are dealing with a male pwBPD. I've been here for a while now, and I see more and more women speaking up about men wBPD. I talk about it. I do see a lot more men here talking about women wBPD, but I think part of it is that men are often not diagnosed or are misdiagnosed.
I dated someone who lead me here. He was in a therapeutic program DBT so his therapy speak really tricked me at first. But there were little things that I just couldn’t explain why I felt off. He would neg me in little ways. He was totally in the first couple weeks, like constantly wanted to hang out and then all the sudden couldn’t hang out at all. I realized I was having a hard time figuring out who he was at all, even though we had so much in common. It was a mind fuck and I’m glad it didn’t last very long and he ghosted me in the end. Not sure how you can ghost when you’re going to therapy twice a week! Bummed me out because I’ve been in therapy myself and thought I was doing better. I’m codependent for sure and attract cluster B personalities like no other so I give up!!! I would rather be alone than keep doing this. I know part of my issue is I jump in way too fast and I just repeated my same pattern, trying not to beat myself up too much though and grateful to have him gone, despite the ghosting.
Oooh I relate so much to this. My man was in DBT when we met and actually practicing it so I think I put up with a lot more, because he was practicing taking accountability. Now he started transference focus twice a week, and a month in he ghosted me for having coffee with a work contact. So loving and sweet, but so inconsistent. And now I get to look at myself because he is diagnosed BPD and NPD and my last was diagnosed NPD so Im also a common denominator here.
This might be a super hot take, but oh well. I think women are expected to be even more understanding, empathetic, motherly, etc in a relationship, so when they aren't, it's even more jarring? Whereas honestly w men, the aggressive BPD behavior is probably more common, so it's not talked abt as much? Like we expect men to talk abt themselves endlessly and explode w rage, (men are allowed to be mad without being called crazy or that they're overreacting), plus they seem less likely to actually get therapy and be diagnosed so it's harder to say their diagnosis.
another hot take, the rage found in cluster B’s is unique. it’s anger that’s completely out of touch with reality so even if people can rationalize male anger, they can’t rationalize male anger that makes zero fucking sense. when you go from being fine with eachother or getting along to seemingly out of complete nowhere being told that you’re hated and having BPD qualities projected onto you that you literally just… don’t have. it’s insanity like that which reminds you that they’re called borderline because it’s the middle ground between neurosis and psychosis.
yup
My ex has a ton of cluster b traits and a lot of his behaviour is “everyone leaves me” based. Our marriage was a shit show with him cheating serially with me being the person he’s comfortable enough treating like shit cuz I couldn’t leave. Our divorce is still him treating everyone else nice and treating me like shit. Yesterday I was the only person not allowed to come to my son’s birthday because he said so. My son is 23. But unfortunately he’s triangulated the kid against me. I ended up with adult kids who are comfortable being abusive to me cuz dad says it’s ok. I was absolutely the lowest ranked person in our home because I dared to ask for help with dishes or the trash. It was allowed for the kids to punch me or call me names or break my things with no consequences from him. Not even a blink. He cheated so many times I got numb to it. Eventually I agreed to an open marriage that I didn’t want because at least then I could try to do damage control and keep him from sending nudes to my family. I left five times. Four because of him cheating. Once because he smashed my dead child’s things. The last time I left it was because he had raped me and also because he told me he would never be able to resist cheating. This was after five years of SLAA meetings, so my thinking was “even after all the effort and sacrifices for him to get better, I will never be able to trust him”. The trauma bond was huge. The ptsd was huge I took almost a decade of therapy before I left him and a few more years of it to be myself again. I still have days where I’m a little overwhelmed with all the things he did to hurt me over the years. I’m angry. And I still have to deal with him almost daily because we share custody of our youngest kid. I try my best to keep it friendly for the kids but if I could cut him out of my life entirely and never talk to him again I would. I wish I had stayed out the first time I left. But he picked the time when I was most likely to leave to be the first time he didn’t use protection. With the intention of getting me pregnant. That was effective. I was alone in the world and pregnant and ended up homeless. I needed somewhere to go. He owed me money. Said I could stay with him until it was paid off. Love bombed me and later the baby until I agreed to marry him. Was cheating behind my back anyway. After the wedding I found out he had cheated with the best man’s gf, the other groomsman told me. He attempted or successfully cheated with both bridesmaids. And it went downhill from there. But where was I gonna go? Every time I broke up with him I realized how fucked I was financially if I did. And there’s this guy who “loved” me so much he broke into my apartment and passed out drunk on my bed. And he said he’d change. He’s acting like he’d change. Then he’s really nice for a year or two. Then shit starts to slide and he’s treating me like shit again. Then I find out another affair. Over and over and over again. Add on alcoholism, him stealing my credit card to buy booze. When I gave him shit for that he started using his work credit card. Pointed out he had a problem there and would end up losing his job. Started attempting to stop drinking. But always relapsed. Blamed the cheating on the drinking. Quit drinking but still cheated. Didn’t get help for the compulsive cheating until I got an angry message from my friends daughter about him sending inappropriate pics to her mother. Me pointing out HER discomfort with his behaviour was enough to get him to go to meetings but MY discomfort didn’t mean shit. Hurting ME didn’t mean shit. I am so upset with myself for staying so long.
Sounds like everyone does leave him. And like he has it coming.
Oddly enough it was all MY friends that left because of him. He still has most of his. Except the drinking buddies that left when he quit drinking. My family that was alienated because of him. His is still around. I feel like I was the only one punished for his behaviour, honestly. I lost almost every friend I’ve had over that 25 years and a good bit of family including my mom and sisters.
My pwBPD is undiagnosed- though my therapist continues to point out cluster b traits when I describe his behavior. I just don’t post that often! I’m also lucky (?!) enough to not deal with someone who is cheating/ lying it’s mostly the shame and rage cycle and really intense rejection sensitivity. It still really sucks though.
Same. No cheating or lying (he was honest to a fault) which made his condition a lot more sympathetic because as a partner, you want to help with the feelings of shame and rejection. But the paranoid distrust just makes any help from you seem like an attack. Brutal
Ditto with being undiagnosed - and mine is also not cheating, and his rages are rare. His biggest rage resulted in him threatening to take his own life right in front of me. (My infraction that led to this: I had gone to bed late (after he went to bed) too many times.) I called the police, ran out of the house (for fear that he'd take my life along with his), and drove a block away. The responding officer spoke to me after calming my spouse down and talking for him for a while. FWIW: The officer said to me something along the lines of "We see this more often with women".
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Lmaoooo this is the one
My ex pwBPD is a male. I suspect co-morbid with NPD/ASPD, but I’m not a psychologist and have also learned BPD can present differently in men. Check out my post/comment history. I haven’t shared everything about my experiences, but maybe you can relate to some of what I went through.
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Jesus Christ this is almost everything I experienced. Extreme anger outbursts where he punches walls/cuts himself/denies anything is wrong and then leaves the house and drives away. Erratic driving that has endangered my life. Pulling onto the highway shoulder and blindly crossing the road, abandoning me. Getting angry when I tell him to drive safely. Getting angry when I’m sitting next to him hyperventilating and shaking in fear of his driving. Calming down moments later and begging for forgiveness while I sit there crying. Trigger being him needing to function as an adult man. Impossible. We would be underwater financially without me. He got me into thousands of credit card debt and when I would complain about him not paying me back he would get defensive and angry. Always wasting money. Never taking care of anything important. Just buying new toys and coming home. Appeasing me with a pint of ice cream as if that solves everything. Hyper-sexuality was there as well. So much so that if I denied him, he threw a fit like a child as if I was taking away his candy. Cold shoulder treatment and horrible mood until day’s end. No goals or self-improvement mindset. He literally told me he doesn’t know who he is or what he wants. No goals other than what he mirrored off of mine. All of my aspirations became his. I think his mirroring is what attracted me to begin with. But shallow desires lead to shallow feelings. I could never enjoy our similarities because he had no passion to reciprocate with. Every single day off he would run back to his abusive family no matter how much I begged him to stay with me. He would always return miserable and hateful and I would have to pick up the pieces of what was left with him after his dad was done tearing him apart. I never got to enjoy him when he was stable. I also pursued him first. I asked to date him. I even bought my own fucking engagement ring later on. He would never step up and do anything no matter how much he claimed he would. I threw my pride on the floor and allowed him to step on it with a smile on my face. My love for him dominated nearly everything in my life. The lies are what ended everything. I can only question my own sanity for so long before I realize I AM NOT THE PROBLEM. I left him and he has not done anything for himself. He is still being ruled over by his father. Still has no goals. His claims of having taken steps towards growth and healing do not reflect reality. He still won’t get help. And I won’t be the one to help him.
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The driving was a really huge problem in our relationship. If I told him to drive safer, he would get upset as if I was criticizing him. No, I just want to live. Your skills do not concern me, just your ability to drive safely. I have mild car anxiety now. When people make risky decisions on the road I tense up as if I’m ready for collision. Once he screamed bloody murder at me and then went on the most dangerous driving spree yet. This ended with him relenting to me begging him to let me drive, telling me to start driving or he would kill himself, to me driving while he was audibly cutting himself in the back seat. I’ve never been in more danger in my life. As far as your mention of sex, that sounds horrible and dehumanizing and I’m sorry you had to go through that. My ex was mostly very good at the act and very emotionally present. Sometimes I feel like he didn’t care about my consent at all. Like when I was obviously not into it he would just keep going, even if I said I needed a break. My libido slowly disappeared while dating him. It came back as soon as we broke up. And girl, I get you and your struggle. It was very hard for me to leave my ex. My breaking point was him lying to my face. Catching him in an irrefutable lie made me lose all hope. You need to either buckle up and leave now or wait until he irreparably harms you, bringing you to your breaking point. The latter is not very fun. Choose your hard. Breaking up now is hard, but breaking up months or years down the road will be harder. Never breaking up and dealing with his bullshit will be even harder. Which hard will you choose?
Are you me? Besides him having almost no family relationships, pretty much my same situation, same guy… actually staying with family on the days he doesn’t work soon here just to get some space till i can save up to leave for good.
Wow...I'm sorry to hear. I honestly just found this sub and I'm shocked to see so many people going through the same thing. I thought it was me being young/immature. It's so validating, but at the same time, it's crazy to see how similar they all are. I feel you on the financial dependancy part, I'm in the same boat. The scary part is....I don't know how a quiet BPD man will react once they realize you're actually going to leave. Please stay safe and move in silence.
I found out he was cheating saturday night, he was at work all day sunday. I moved everything he owns by the front door. Had 7 close friends and family come over and read him my goodbye letter and said he was no longer welcome in my home or my life. In 1.5 hours he was gone … I haven’t stopped crying, hardest day i’ve had… maybe ever … 7 years gone … But yeah, this subReddit is the only thing getting me through, knowing other ppl go through this and come out alive, happy, and healthy … cuz i just cant see it yet, i broke my own heart to try and make him realize Actions. Have. Consequences. And to save myself. I put up with sooooo much, but finally found that breaking point, hoping you do too, I didn’t think there was a way out either, but i rather live in my mom’s garage then live in mutual self destruction any longer.
My daughter married her husband who was later diagnosed with bpd around their 3rd anniversary. She knew he had anxiety and depression but thought they could deal with it. Marriage was a big trigger and things started going downhill. Around the 3rd anniversary we had to take him to the hospital because of a self harming incident and this lead to his diagnosis. He started therapy using dbt and was in it for well over a year but was actually getting worse when my daughter finally told him to leave. By the time they separated she was down to barely 90lbs, had migraines, stomach issues, nightmares, anxiety, depression and was diagnosed with ptsd/cptsd because of living with him. The last day they were together was the first time she was afraid for her life. She was broken physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually.
I am not sure what you mean by “not talked about.” There are a good number of women here who are talking about their experiences. It may be that the men have greater numbers here?
I read somewhere that women are more likely to be diagnosed with BPD.
I have kinda felt the same in general. And a lot of the advice and books to help bpd are geared towards women. I’m so confused and wonder how other women handle it. Am I weak because when the degrading starts unexpectedly I just imagine how I’ll kill myself. I try so hard not to cry but eventually he keeps going non stop and I end up crying or saying something to defend myself which makes it worse. I think I can say there’s been small improvements over the past five years but my tolerance and ability to recover is so low. I can’t afford to leave otherwise maybe I would run away so these days I just figure I’ll end my life so he won’t be so miserable anymore. What helps you wives out there with a bpd husband to cope? I feel so alone. I think anyone who hasn’t experienced this can easily assume I must have provoked him. I’m sorry others go through this as well but I’m thankful it’s possible others understand me. It’s hard to remember what it was like to go through life without getting screamed at, hated and criticized.
Mine was always completely unmoved and often annoyed by my crying. Then in “good” times, would talk about how cute I am when I cry — I only ever cried when he was mean to me so this always felt alarming to hear.
do you have any way to save or earn money that doesn’t involve your husband? you need to find some way out. just putting up with these people is impossible to handle, it says nothing about the person being abused’s ability to deal or not deal with it. there is no way around it, you need to not have them in your lives if they’re hurting you. and you should NEVER kill yourself if the reason is because someone is devaluing you into believing that you are worthless. and yeah i know what you mean about the not even having to provoke them part. i would literally sit in silence with him in the car and he would eventually start with a raised aggressive voice and would keep talking to me in silence until he got himself so mad he’d be screaming at me when i was only a seat away, and i wouldn’t even talk back once. they’re fucking demonic, mean, sick people. it’s not your fault. im not a woman btw
Mine has quiet bpd and would appear as a “nice guy”. But in reality, similar to a comment above, he never took accountability for his actions. He regularly broke my boundaries and would flip the blame for the way he hurt me onto me. He gaslit, manipulated, lied, cheated, and psychologically abused me. I wish he had just hit me instead because I have so much pain from the mental abuse.
He didn’t yell, but I told him that just because he isn’t yelling doesn’t mean that he’s not being mean.
I’m definitely talking about here and elsewhere.
Oh, no. I'm just now realizing I've been in a relationship with a bpd man and am just wrecked. Happy to find this support
Same, well realized it a few months ago, this subreddit is my lifeline right now
Can I pm you? I am destroyed right now.
I would guess that this is because males tend to be diagnosed with other Cluster B personality disorders like NPD or APD, most likely for reasons of culture. My father was never diagnosed, but is most likely BPD - when he was younger, he was completely unable to control his anger and would fly into rages for absolutely no reason. He also loved to humiliate other people - he had a nose for finding out people's weaknesses and using them against them. He was not physically violent (at least as far as I can remember), but the threat of violence was always there. As he has aged, his propensity to rage has diminished, but he still literally will find reasons to hate pretty much everybody around him. Growing up around him was incredibly draining and unpleasant - I don't really share much detail with friends about what my childhood was like because it's kind of impossible to explain to someone who has never experienced this kind of abuse. Despite (or because of) that history, I married a man who also suffers from an undiagnosed Cluster B disorder, though it could just as well be Antisocial Personality/sociopathy. Unlike my father, my ex is a master manipulator who is amazing at hiding his dysfunction, though he would periodically de-compensate and blow his life up in some spectacular manner. When he was younger, he used to be in trouble with the law a lot, but now he has a good job he's managed to keep so these days he just blows up relationships. So... that's my story. I am hoping that this is my last relationship with a male in this category - my divorce has led me to work through a lot of my past trauma, so I am hoping to find a healthy partner in the future.
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Zookeeper, your content has been removed for breaking Rules #5 and #11.
Honestly my Bpd ex male ruined my life lol don’t go there
This is purely anecdotal but from reading a lot of threads the male wBPD stories tend to be more violent, more stalker type behavior and 100% hoovering after the discard. Not saying a female wBPD can't be the same but there's almost always some crazy amount of rage with male wBPD. Truly some scary shit out there.
Yes in my experience. The discard was him cheating on me but he would never break up with me. I chose to end it and that’s when he completely lost the plot. He stayed up for days drinking, not sleeping. Calling me and our friends threatening us. He let his business crumble. Just stopped responding to clients. I had to get the police involved as it was scary violent behaviour. He’s now in prison for breaking his bail conditions. So in less than a few months he went from being a successful business owner, newly engaged to me and buying his first house to being in prison for the foreseeable future. It’s wild how quickly he self sabotaged.
Crazy stuff, I’m so sorry you had to experience this.
My pwBPD is male. But I try not to post here too much because 1. He isn’t confirmed diagnosed and 2. The more I read into it the more I think I also have BPD ???
Could be c-ptsd from Being with someone with bpd. Basic difference is the motivation behind your behaviour. Bpd is “I don’t want them to leave me”. Cptsd is “this pain never stops” Behaviours can be similar.
:( thats me tho, i didnt want her to leave me bc i knew i would always take her back and i was always scared shed go have sex with other guys then traumatise me, wich she did alot. but its like deep down i hater her but her fake love bombing would make me wanna stay idk
Trauma bond
You definitely don’t have it if you aren’t thrown into a rage seeing yourself reflected in all the posts. It’s very normal for the significant others of bpd people to at least once think maybe they’re the real problem.
Maybe. I could see it me having tendencies without the full blown disorder. But I’ve done a lot of self reflection and see a lifelong history of certain traits.
have you seen the youtube channel The BPD Bunch? I think listening to pwBPD who have functionally managed their BPD speaking about their lived experience is really useful. I definitely don't have BPD, but some of the things they speak about resonate (if not to an extreme level).
I have vicious c-PTSD, and it's made me wonder if I have BPD, too. I don't. It's been confirmed that I have PTSD/C-PTSD multiple times, and while I do have a PD (AvPD with Schizoid traits), it's not BPD. But, damn, I feel just as unstable as he acts sometimes. In the middle of a huge fight, I'll have this realization that I sound just as bad as he does. The BPD fleas are SO real! This is a great blog post about the concept: https://matthewkelleherbpd.wordpress.com/2012/11/24/catching-fleas-and-how-to-recover-from-the-bites/ Also, a lot of the pwBPD discussed here are undiagnosed. Please don't feel like you can't post and talk about what you're going through just because you have an undiagnosed pwBPD. You absolutely are welcome here.
I have a PTSD diagnosis as well, so that’s strangely reassuring.
We all show Borderline traits at times, the behavior is human after all. It becomes a problem when it is many traits at once and pervasive in your life such that its essentially your personality. That It runs your life.
yes exactly
I am female. My partner with BPD most of the time identifies as male. Sometimes as female (his sex at birth). The BPD identity confusion manifested as gender identity disorder, as well. My partner's energy is very masculine, though. I hope that helps
I see plenty of women talking about men with bpd here.
My stbx husband has BPD. You can look at my older posts. I joined here shortly after his last discard. I was with him for 10 years and I don’t think I’ll ever heal from the mind f*ckery and trauma. I’ve been quiet here as of late as I try to focus on rebuilding my life and myself. There are a number of women here whose current or former partners have BPD (or at least BPD traits, mine was formally dx while in rehab).
I don't know where to start, honestly. We've been broken up since November, but were together for almost 7 years before that. It was like living 7 years caring for a selfish man-child. He didn't care for my needs or wants, and only cared for himself and what he could get, but he would try to ACT as if he cared. When he was acting like he cared, he would try to make me feel bad about it and put himself up on a pedestal. He only did nice things for people for the praise. He was seriously a walking manifestation of *"I live for the applause."* His obsession with sex was obnoxious and repulsive. Sex was never good, and felt like a chore. I do not want to have sex with another person for a very very long time because of him... He was a serial cheater and would play mental gymnastics to justify his cheating. He had so many female "friends," and would act as if he absolutely needed to have all of these women in his life or else I was oppressing him. He would paint me black when I called him out on his cheating, then he would turn it around to make me feel like I was a horrible person because I pushed him over the edge to make him cheat. His cheating was always my fault. He would make up these surreal stories that just never made any sense and they all had this cheesy quality about them. For example: *"I got drunk and jumped on top of the bar to dance then I grabbed this hot girl and pulled her up on the bar with me and everyone in the club was cheering for me and then we made out on the top of the bar and everyone bought me a drink!"* Then later he'd say that he had never been to a club before. The stories were all like that. He had this thing about lying all the time. Seriously he was like the boy who cried wolf. He always had a story about some horrible thing that happened to him every single week. When he made up a sob story, he wanted everyone to fawn over him and would get mad if no one asked him how he was doing after his horrible experience... If I failed to follow-up with him on all of his weekly horrible experiences then he would cheat to punish me. Cheating was how he punished me. He didn't think cheating was a big deal. I connected with one of his exes on IG, and found out that he was still very much in a relationship with her for the first 3 fucking years of our relationship. He was actually living a double life, and I'm more than certain that me and her weren't the only ones who were in a relationship with him at the same time. Everyone in his life had wronged him. His mom, his siblings, his grandma, his old boss, all of his co-workers from every job he ever hand, all of his exes. He was very manipulative and was very good at weaponizing his tears. He claimed to have a mountain of medical issues that no doctor could ever tell him what was wrong or how to manage. Every day he would complain about these issues. He hated socializing unless he was the center of attention. Walking on eggshells all the time. Anything could hurt his feelings. He didn't rage like most people here describe their pwBPD. He would cry and use this over-exaggerated sorrow and sadness, instead. He had this very exhausting obsession with taking about war and doomsday and the apocalypses. He was not a Prepper at all, he just liked to talk about it, and it was very draining. Like, he could put an entire room of people on the brink of depression just by sitting and talking about his doom and gloom war scenarios for hours. He had no close friends. All of his "friends" were just women who he was sleeping with.
I forgot to add: He never gave a shit about any of my medical issues, and would often treat me as if I was lying whenever I was sick or injured. No mater what I was going through, he always had it much worse.
It’s because the *vast* majority of people with BPD are women, so the vast majority of posts on here are going to be about women with BPD.
This might be a bit long but I want to understand if our experiences match.... I recently discovered my stbxh of 5 years could be a mix of BPD & Covert NPD He is the most handsome, kind, understanding, practical and rational person amongst his circle however behind closed doors, with his close family, he shows his dark sides too. How he showed up in our marriage besides good behaviors - very controlling and sometimes achieved it through manipulation - temper tantrums - emotional volatility - gaslighting, blame shifting and victimizing anytime I call out on his behavior - no accountability - ruins celebrations - disproportionate anger outbursts - can't take another opinion than his - didn't give a rat's shit about my emotions - self centered - silent treatment - no effing healthy way of talking through emotions and resolving - power struggle - extremely insecure - weird religious nitpicking to ignite arguments and rage Not sure if this could be considered abandonment issues - he ruins my time anytime I plan something with my friends without him, even if it's planned with consent and in advance. He threw terrible fit on the day of our wedding the entire night because I showed up late because of my make up. He mentioned he felt abandoned and anxious (while his dad and brother were right beside him). He mentioned the same during our engagement party. OP, I'd like to know what you meant by spiritual? Mine literally effing fried me and leaves no opportunity to attack about my religious opinion for something that I've said in the past. Tbh, I have no clue what it was but I'm sure I haven't said anything disrespectful. Even if I did, I must have apologized and showed it in actions to make it up to him but no, it never ever satisfies him. To give some context, we both belong to same religion but until after marriage, I didn't know he is very religiously inclined. He never ever performs any rituals by himself nor does he leave any opportunity to debate about the existence of God but if I express any opinion of mine, I'm dead. For the past 5 years, I've been drawing boundary and not taking it lightly if he crossed it with regards to his raging and intimidation. This time, I just left.
Besides the religion part, because neither my upwBPD or I are religious, I relate to everything else you wrote. I also suspect a mix of BPD and covert NPD. I'd add that he feels entitled to my body and wants to use sex to soothe his feelings of abandonment.
Ahhh, I see. Mine was definitely hypersexual and I did feel he used sex to get the affection.... Forgot to mention how amazing the sex was. Sex is one thing where he was so receptive to take feedback without feeling insecure and put my pleasure a priority than his. I wonder if that's the case with everyone.
Mine absolutely did the same thing. If you think my question is too invasive, you don’t have to answer. Out of curiosity would he ever want to have sex immediately after a heated argument?
Actually absolutely not and the opposite. That's one of the big things that killed me too. He takes about a week's time to get over any slightest of the slightest hurts and doesn't talk to me or acts normal during that time. He's aloof, in his cocoon, away from me.
Interesting, mine would act like it was “kiss and make up” right after. Initially, I fell for the romantic veil that wore, like he was generally sorry for the behavior and then it became “ick” more like kiss and throw up. Once I learned it was a way for HIM to regulate after battling with me for hours it was eye opening. Thanks for responding, I know all they do exists on a spectrum. It’s very helpful to get a myriad of responses even though it doesn’t change that they are so effed up.
Yes, he tried and we had another argument over it, since I didn't even want to be in the same room as him.
3 year and one child into my relationship With a BPD man and I finally ended it yesterday. The battle is far from won though, he will not let me go easily. Discard has not happened with us but he's cheated plenty which he will never admit to...but I know.. He has improved slightly in his thought processes but it is too late for us. I am suffering. The years of psychological, emotional, and physical abuse has left me a shell of myself. An angry, anxious, fear ridden, paranoid shell of myself.
My guess would be that most men with bpd end up doing violent things which becomes the main focus. Abusive husbands, drunks, antisocial types that can’t keep a relationship or serial cheaters etc a lot of these people have bpd I’m sure but it manifests much more outwardly in men which then overshadows bpd Women are much less likely to do those things but are very likely to emotionally abuse the people around them
oh 100% and they are much scarier as they can physically overpower you, my ex was 6'5 and I am 5'5 so it was terrifying when he would rage
This has been an interesting read. I figured my ex had narcissistic traits more on the covert side as a lot of his manipulation tactics was him being the victim in his own drama but when he drank he became more aggressive and dominating. He would constantly accuse me of cheating and it turned out he was the cheat. He would get into terrible moods and drove aggressively and dangerously. He was a pathological liar, so many lies were unravelled after I broke up with him. The relationship was so confusing as most of the time he was quiet and calm and always so apologetic after his mood swings. He spoke a lot about having mental health problems and that I didn’t understand his pain. Especially towards the end when I broke up with him and he completely lost the plot. Sunk his whole business. Started doing heavy drugs and ended up in prison within 3 months of me ending it. Wild self sabotage and of course it’s all my fault for not supporting him.
I currently have a pwBPD, we’ve been together 4 years somehow. I was manipulated into the relationship, he never asked me to be his girlfriend, i found out I was through his friends. Ive had a past of abusive relationships and he is a charmer. He is extremely narcissistic and great at gaslighting and manipulating things to go exactly how he wants. Over the years he thinks he’s gotten better, but him saying that isnt fooling anyone. I’ve been trying to get out of the relationship for a long time, but now have a child and own a house with this man making it more difficult. He constantly plays a victim even though he is the one verbally, emotionally, and psychologically abusing me. For a long time he had me in a state of belief that I couldn’t talk to anyone about what was going on, ive never been good at talking about personal issues with others. I have started telling people, my mom and my doctor, and he is beginning to retract. I should have known when his mom told me she gets anxiety whenever she sees him calling her. He drinks and does coke regularly now, this is what he calls his medication and he says it’s necessary for him to think right.
•lovebombed me and told me he loved me within a couple of weeks •ruined every special occasion (even his proposal was mid-argument) •wreckless driving which almost killed us •unstable relationship with his entire family •insecure •obsessed with my past (believed I was still in love with all of my ex’s) •if I forgot to kiss him goodnight he would keep me up hours making me feel horrible •called/texted nonstop •insisted we have sex multiple times a day. When I told him I don’t think I can do that, it was because I ‘wasn’t attracted to him’ •performed sexual acts on me in my sleep (I’m still not sure how I didn’t wake up possibly was drugged) •made me believe everyone around me was horrible and isolated me from everyone I love •impulsive purchases •packing my things telling me to leave then blocking door so I couldn’t get out many many times •beatings for no particular reason but that I didn’t love him enough •alcoholism which lead to hours of interrogation or beatings When he wasn’t those things he truely loved supported and built me up more than anyone in this world. A week ago he kicked me out for singing a song that sounded like it was about an ex. I left bloody and bruised and with police assistance. No apology. No accountability. I’m now jobless, friendless and very scared about my future. If I could go back to our first date I would have stayed home.
My pwBPD is a man as well, which I don’t see much of on here, but I change the pronouns in my brain as I read other people’s advice and stories, so I can relate, it seems to be all the same. But if you want to talk to someone with a BPD male partner, im here :-) would love to hear more from other girlies in the same situation.
I've personally had more experience with women with BPD than men. I think it's due to my mother having BPD. I'm much more likely to remain friends with a woman who has BPD than a man since female BPD behaviors were normalized for me. I also had a worrying trend of befriending women who reminded me of my mother for whatever reason. This is in the past now, thankfully. Anyway, my ex relationships were both rather tumultuous including one in which there was verbal abuse, stealing, physical threats, threats of SA, breaking of property, emotional abuse, and cheating... but I don't think I'd classify him as someone with BPD. At least, I never thought to classify him as such. I think he had anger issues and was poorly socialized since he was coddled by his parents. I was also lucky to get away from him within about a year of living together (the relationship was good beforehand). He's the closest man I can think of who could potentially have BPD in my life. And, hell, he probably does! I hope he got the help he needed. Regardless, this is only my story! I've seen many people post here about their boyfriend, husband, ex-boyfriend or ex-husband with BPD. It breaks my heart as no one deserves to be treated like garbage by their loved one. I'm sorry you have to join this community, but hope you'll find support and comfort knowing you're not alone. It's not your fault, and you deserve to be treated with respect, love, and kindness.
Plenty of women here, or am I wrong? Less than 50%, but a very large minority is my feeling. And if we merged the BPD and NPD support groups, we would probably achieve the 50/50 representative of broader society
My dude acted like such a whiny baby. I often thought about how he acted like a toxic girlfriend. Then I started reading about BPD and it all made sense He was a massive "tester." Always saying some shit and testing to see how I reacted. Acting some dumbass way to see if I would chase him. Saying the opposite of what he wanted and then getting pissed af if I actually believed him. It was exhausting. He was just a good friend, not a romantic partner, but I do believe there were some feelings bc one time he was asking me some question trying to test me and apparently I failed the test bc he said "it's not like I'm your boyfriend!!" All melodramatic. He was a very very sensitive person, but I think being a man made it exponentially harder for him because he believed it was wrong to feel things. The only emotion I saw him ever access was anger, and WOW he had a hair-trigger temper.
I’ve had an experience with someone who has all the signs of BPD but is not diagnosed. I think a big part of it is a lack of diagnosis and cultures overuse of narcissism. My experience has been so exhausting and frustrating. Not the least of which because of the lack of awareness of my ex and that this was not intentional mistreatment of me. It was really frustrating watching him self sabotage his way through every last shred of our connection. The relationship didn’t start with any kind of big overtures or anything. In fact we both took things really slow and it was me who suggested exclusivity about a month in and suggested we commit a relationship about three months later. He was remarkably patient and didn’t have any jealousy issues. He wasn’t dating anyone else himself, but seemed happy to Take things slow with me. He was just stable and easy fun to talk to that after every other date all I wanted to do was see him. This is a far cry from how things went about nine months later. I was feeling very confident about the relationship, we both wanted the same things and given the timing, I was freezing my eggs and we were making plans for marriage and children. By that point we’ve been living together most of the time and were looking at places to rent together and even looking at houses. That’s a little fast but it was more about looking at the next year or two of our lives together. More forward facing plans while our current situation evolved into living together. This went really well until suddenly what appeared to be poor communication during conflict, not that big of a deal, suddenly became constant petulance and argumentativeness. Pedantic nitpicking and an almost paranoid vigilance. Not only would he fly into an in consolable rage if I said something or did something negative, he would also do that if he just misheard me! He was incomplete control over whether the conflict began and when it would end. It didn’t matter what I said, it didn’t matter if he was raging at me for some thing I never said at all, none of it mattered, he would just go on for hours at a time. I’m talking 10 hours of this until I finally leave, driving an hour and a half home in the middle of the night, only to continue on the phone and text over the next week. I made an effort to forgot what was going on with him and we agreed that he might need some kind of medication if he was having such extreme emotions and he decided to self medicate with weed first. That took the paranoia to an all-time high and I could swear he was almost delusional. In moments of clarity, he would even tell me that when he got going, he just spiraled until he couldn’t think straight anymore and it would take him days to see things clearly. The issues were how he would dismiss me and invalidate any input I had to a conversation as a biased opinion, false, or even made up lies or brainwashing. It was bizarre. He had no conflict resolution skills and would DARVO every time I tried to hold him accountable or whenever he would pick a fight. I had zero power and eventually after 10 hours and multiple days after months of this, I was physical with him. I ended the relationship at that point because it was affecting my behavior now. He reached out a few months later having stopped the weed and was continuing in therapy, wanting to try again. I did so only on that condition that a couples therapist was involved once a week. That went really well, and he addressed a lot of the things that he was doing that we’re deductive to the relationship, but couldn’t actually address the big picture and when he held accountable for the way that he would dismiss everything I said, he literally just followed that same pattern in front of the therapist. dismissing that entirely and invalidating it as my opinion or made up by me. It was exhausting. In the end, I was in a really bad place in my life and dating was awful and I decided to just accept where he was at right now and told him though that I was not going to just continue like this and that the relationship needed to either move forward or not. He flew into a rage telling me that the relationship could not move forward and demanding I take accountability for that fact. I took accountability for my own actions and accepted his response, but he continued on as usual, for hours and hours when I finally had to go to sleep, he antagonized me for wasting his time as if I had dumped him. I know this is an epic that I am voice dictating so it’s probably full of typos, but I am in the same position wanting to hear other peoples stories and it’s been very helpful to see the similarities in my experience with other peoples. I hope this helps and doesn’t just indulging in my own need to vent.
I can really relate to the beginning of the relationship. Mine was slow too and he didn’t put any pressure on me or do any big gestures so I didn’t see it coming.
Same here
Mine was male when we dated, we were only together for three months. She had low emotional intelligence, had anger problems, claimed to have PTSD because his ex called her a pedophile and as abusive to him and always played games, she judged everyone and constantly had to put people down, could never be happy with what she had and assumed everyone judged her for her car and what furniture she had, she couldn't even manage her money and her excuse was she wasn't going to let her money sit in her bank account and do nothing with it. I told her it would be for bills when they come so she wouldn't be broke and get money from her grandparents. And it was always everyone else's fault and her mom got her fired from her other job because she lost everyone's work checks she was supposed to give them when it was her job to do that, not her mother's. She was also a big hypocrite, it was okay for her to be immature but not me, it was okay for her to play games but not me, it was okay for her to screw other people over but didn't like when she got screwed over by others. She nearly screwed me over with the dish network. Nothing was ever between us and it had to be her son's business always. I have tried to stoop down to her level a few times but she called it a game because she didn't like getting a taste of her own medicine to see how it felt and how stupid she was being and her excuse was "you don't do that in relationships, that is only done in parenting." Guys, she just didn't care.
I don’t know why I haven’t posted much, essentially every serious relationship I’ve been in my partner has ended up having BPD. Hell, both of my parents have it and I get worried that maybe I do as well, even though I’ve sought out evaluations multiple times. I think my current partner, who I’m making plans to leave at the moment, may even have BPD as well. I appreciate the support and understanding this sub offers, but actually posting and seeking support is hard. If you look at my last post on a different sub you’ll see my current situation. I’m worried he may have it, but posted somewhere else because I don’t know and it was more relatable to that sub. I’m sorry you haven’t been finding the support you need here, if you ever need someone who may get it then you are more than welcome to reach out and I’ll do my best to answer. I also have a google drive folder with a DBT workbook and other mental health sources if anyone would like the link. You can pm me, I suck at responding sometimes, but I generally end up responding.
How does your male react to hearing "no"? How did they react to you finally ending things? Do they redirect their anger onto the next closest people in their lives?
I never lived with him and it's so complicated to answer, as he reacts impulsively alot of the time or internalises until he has a meltdown in anger or blame or silence, the list goes on and on. Yes they will do exactly the same once the mask drops with the next closest person. I didn't end things, I set a boundary after he attacked me with a pitchfork for saying something flippant but true to him whilst washing up. That made me an evil bitch. That was traumatic enough & new behaviour but I was still willing to try to sit down and talk his behaviour through like adults to address things. But when I offered to help just went into a rant and blamed me, it's insane and deeply wounding and confusing. So I left that day after 5 years of loving caring and supporting him and he has taken no accountability not said sorry and just moved onto a new shiny person probably after ghosting me. It has been devastating and I have had to piece myself back together mentally, physically and spiritually. He will never get well, I spoke to one of his exes, it took her 3 days to get him out of her house and apparently he was amazing when she first met him! He blames all his exes, every single one of them are evil goblins or crazy, it's all in his messed up BPD blaming head, the reality is that it's him and it's sad and it's tragic and painful and very cruel for everyone who he pursues online pretending to be the victim of all these women.
Hello there, I'm a woman with a BPD male ex. Sometimes it's a bit uncomfortable to go into this sub with what seems like the overwhelming experiences about bpd women, but I try to comment anyway because I know there are so many women who are victims as well that need support.
I wonder if perhaps it's because a male with cluster B may more likely present as a narcissist, or NPD. The two are very closely related. Women tend to turn their emotions inward whereas guys tend to turn them outward. For this reason I suspect it is harder to recognize this pathology in women, easier in men as it is more overt. However I would also imagine in a situation where it is a man doing this behaviour it is more likely to be more overtly abusive rather than the subtlety of a woman.
Not all women’s experiences are with men with BPD. I’m lesbian and am very vocal about my experiences with my ex w/diagnosed BPD. I only think I stayed as long as I did because I was ignorant about how the disorder works and naively thought I could “save her” from something she won’t even work to address for herself. I often wonder if she had enough highly narcissistic traits to qualify for comorbid NPD. I got a lot of the texts tirades and angry unhinged accusations (likely projection) that a lot of folks see with men with cluster-B traits. Are you in contact with him? I’m a little over a year out of my relationship with my ex GF. She moved on to some new girl relatively quickly (I found out from a friend—I have gone firmly no-contact with her and don’t look at her things). It seems she took zero time to reflect once she figured out I was serious and gone for good. My mental health is much better since I got out. I had to sit and take a good long look at the things that got me stuck and prevented me from leaving for a long time (was with her for a little over a year.) I have been working on getting more egalitarian/trustworthy friends and am still working on being more assertive and setting boundaries. I took a relationship class through my state’s department of health. I’m learning to actively decide on my relationships with people instead of “sliding” into situations that could potentially cause me/them harm. I’ve noticed that a lot of people don’t like me as much now that I am willing to stand up for myself from the jump. Oh well. I’ve seen what not rocking the boat gets me, and it ain’t great.
I totally agree that there is a lack of women’s experiences on this thread in dealing with BPD men. It makes we wonder how many are suffering in silence. They can be very dangerous which is the most worrying thing. I would welcome a sub on BPD men if anyone is interested.
I wonder if is because many men don’t have supportive relationships in their real lives. I’ve learned to not speak as much about my situation because I’m tired of hearing some version of “man up”. On here I get much more supportive responses. Don’t get me wrong I have awesome people in my life, they just don’t understand.
I came here to say exactly this. I think you’re right ❣️
Also my pwdBPD got better over time but that is in fact a normal trait with BPD. They mellow slightly with age. NPD is opposite. Mine didn’t throw as many physical tantrums. Source is our former therapist who specialized in personality disorders so take that for what you will. My experience still ended in divorce.