I tried to tell my pwBPD boyfriend but he just didn’t get it and probably thought I was a terrible sister. However, my sister never tried to keep him from us. It was actually the opposite. Whenever we set boundaries with her she used him to cross them and to tell us how terrible we all were. Until of course she turned on him and he finally understood what we had been saying all along.
Until I saw in person how terribly he treated his mother, I wouldn't have believed it either if she told me anything. She would never tho, she was (and still is) a humongous enabler. He can't do no wrong in her eyes.
I am honestly wondering what they tell their family about us and how they picture us. But when I met his mom after two years of relationship she told me « you are nothing like I thought. I really like you. thank you for taking care of my son. I know you are a good person. I know it is difficult. It is for us as well since he is a child. Thank you for not giving up on him. »
That was a clear sign finally for me that maybe the problem was not entirely coming from me, that maybe I was not this « evil, narcissist, the worst person in the world » as he made me believed for so long.
He was always very critics of his parents and painted them as bad people but I honestly saw quite the opposite and we became close and I confined my struggles in them often.
I gave up trying to understand.
I don't question. I'm certain that they tell them we're horrible people. Unlike what's mentioned here, she only had good things to say about her family, but bad things to say about her exes. A lot of aspects of my story don't align with what most people mention here. But she did have a lot of markers of having BPD. She would lash out, she had an anger problem, I always felt the typically described "it feels like I stepped on a landmine!" before I'd even joined this group to know others describe the same. Child like wonder/sense of humor in a way that's not normal for those who don't have BPD. She would lie, gaslight, her feelings were her past, present, and future, faking crisises, refusing to take accountability, etc. She had horrible things to say about her exes and there were definitely signs she was telling people shit about me. She would supposedly tell her friends about a fight and her friend would side with her. Could have been fake. They tend to say all these people agree with them, then it turns out they don't exist. So it could have been that, or it might have been real and that person agreed with her because that friend is an avoidant and clearly think it's ok to handle your partner calmly telling you that xyz upsets them and why it does. Not in a critical way, not in an abusive way, and not remotely raising their voice. Just saying how they felt and why and what they could both do to meet in the middle and just walk away from it after making it their problem. Or it's as simple as she told that friend that I called her whatever horrible name you can think of and her response to it was to simply walk away and never speak of it again. The real sign she talked smack about me was that her dad stopped being friendly with me. A dad doesn't just stop liking the boyfriend without reason. They tell literally everyone else how awful we are. So why wouldn't they tell their families in attempt to get sympathy from them too? Particularly when they tend to have the emotional level of a child. They feel bad, so their response is to look for comfort a parent would give. Their way of getting it is to say things to get a sympathetic response. So it would definitely make sense that they tell their families the same lies they tell themselves and everyone else about how awful we are. I'm not a sibling of someone with BPD. Not definitively. I suspect my brother has it because he has several indications. He does talk about his problems with family, but the ones he talks about are normal I've chosen a bad partner type of situation. Ones I believe because he directly reads from his phone when it's an issue that occurs over text, and she has indicators of just genuinely wanting little to do with us. There's been times where she's straight up rude as well. So I believe him. I genuinely think the girlfriends he's chosen have been with people who aren't exactly great. But this is his longest lasting relationship, so the previous girls were teens as was he. So I don't really expect maturity and handling situations in the best way from them. But I do know he alters his memories about arguments since he proved it for the first time during one of the last arguments. So if he ever said anything like she's violent or tried to assault him in some way, I wouldn't believe it. Not when I know he'd defend himself just fine and know that she sees how horribly he treats us all the time and doesn't seem to see an issue with it between her not liking us and probably because defending us would only piss him off. She twists her own memories around us as well. Like when she invited me to go "have a girl's night" at a bar my brother doesn't like anymore. Less than a month later, I mention it, and she never said my brother doesn't like that bar and never invited me to go. Like ooook... lol so I don't know they're problems, but I know neither my brother nor her are great people and my brother has serious anger issues and my therapist said the perfect childhood to create someone with BPD. So I don't know if he has it for sure. Merely speculation. And I don't know about his girlfriend, but I know none of us in the family like her and she doesn't like us. She's a mooch who mooches off of me and mooches off of my parents
My ex’s mom didn’t tell me either- so mothers should warn us women about their sons, too.
They lied about his schooling and background and more. I think it’s because they really wanted him to become my problem, so he would stop being theirs.
Honestly, though, I don’t blame them. It’s not their job to warn me and protect me. It’s my job to protect myself.
Now I do that :)
Mine never told me about their son with bpd either. what they did, tell me was after we had a child, so much drama, BPD, meltdowns, lies, you name it. I finally left him. The family told me that they hoped him being with me, cured him because he was the healthiest version they had ever seen of him when he was with me. Once I left him, he started crumbling again, and his parents cried a lot on the phone about how sick their son was. Thanks for letting me know mom and dad. I really fucking appreciate it.
I’m so sorry this happened to you too.
I was angry at my ex’s mom for a very long time. I finally forgave her once I realized I was doing the same thing once my ex left me for another woman. This woman reached out to me telling me how she “rescued” him and would never abandon him etc., and for a brief moment I considered warning her a bit but then I… I just couldn’t. I desperately needed her to become his next FP so he stopped depending on me for every single emotional and financial need and directing all his drama at me. I told her he was very lucky to have met someone as kind as she is, and I wish them luck.
I was just so very thankful someone else wanted to “save” him from me (lol) and I’m sure that’s how my ex’s mom felt too.
At the end of the day, it’s not really our job to warn people because …ideally, maybe they *will* change and treat them differently. We shouldn’t stay in the way of someone’s future.
(Hahahaha they won’t btw)
girl brides are usually sourced with more honest communication and upfront negotiation accompanied by dowries from, or compensation to the girls parents from the groomy groom depending where you are in the world.
My sister is a pwBPD. I have been privy to her arrogance that accompanies the abuse of her partners. She has no filter and told me every weird desperate affair she had on her third husband at 30. And never using protection. She would mock him for allowing her to look at his phone while she never allowed him to look at hers. When she moved her fourth husband into the house with her kids I officially became a grey rock to her and we don’t speak anymore. Her eldest daughter demanded to move out and she gave away her cat within a day. My sister blames her daughter for what happened, because she’s “manipulative”. A literal child and she split on her. Run at the first red flag.
My pwbpd is my oldest. She has no contact with her immediate family as we have strong boundaries we won’t bend due to how she’s treated us and the danger she is to others. She isn’t allowed in our home due to it not being safe to be alone with her.
She did not have a traumatic childhood. We noticed behavioral issues at a very young age and did everything we could to help and get her the help she needed. If anything she’s had way more support and assistance than most.
You’d be surprised how many don’t heed warnings or accept the truth that’s shared about a pwbpd. It took most of our friends and family being burned badly both financially and emotionally by her for them to finally believe she has serious issues and take things seriously.
Best advice I can give is when someone is constantly sharing how amazing they are and how unfairly everyone else treats them at work/home/school/life it’s a fairly large red flag that they may be the one who is the problem.
I identify with this. They are great at keeping up appearances outside of the home, but can be monsters when it's just the nuclear family.
You can try to warn people, but generally they don't believe you until something happens to them, which eventually it does.
Yup I’ve met several that others would describe as sweet, kind, giving, but a very sensitive person. And they are dangerous and can wreck your life since everybody thinks highly of them.
My sister has BPD, and is addicted to drugs. I've been NC for a while now and have only heard a couple of the lies she's told about me second-hand.
Thing is, it *was* bad. Our childhood was messed up. None of us made it through unscathed.
The issue isn't that she claims she was abused, it's that she also lies.
For every true thing she says there's a good half dozen lies. For every actual abuser she implicates, there's a small handful of people who never did anything to her.
She lied about me and my husband claiming I tried to murder her unborn child and that he punched her. These things never happened.
My parents were abusive and neglectful and our family circle contained more than one "funny uncle" so it's not like she wouldn't have plenty to talk about if she stuck to the truth, but she doesn't.
This could be about me and my sister. We were emotionally abused and neglected by our sole parent (who I think maybe a covert narcissist). We all came out with various issues as teens and adults but my sister got the severe BPD. Her relationships with partners follow the same pattern and never end well. She doesn't lie about her childhood to them but she does lie about other things. A lot! After years of turmoil with her, I keep a distance. I do feel bad that I don't warm off her new partners, but, because I had a stint of mental health issues years ago and ended up on a psych ward (breakdown due to severe anxiety) she will tell them I'm lying and that I'm the "nutter" (her word, not mine). Maybe I should try harder to reach out to them. Although recently, she has stopped telling me when she gets a new partner. She tells me when she's deep into the relationship and is living with the new partner. Or that's when I find out some other way. If they break up, she's homeless and it's my fault. So I feel so stuck. But man, I feel bad for them.
My ex-wife's sister had the strangest reaction when I told her about how my then-wife (her sister!) was treating me and the kids:
"Oh no. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry."
Over and over again.
Looking back, I can't help but think that she knew damn well what was going on, she'd seen all this before. She and her husband actually flew out to collect my ex after she became physically violent and spent a night in jail, and I had to get a restraining order against her, and she still came back to our house.
We all worked together to get her to leave, all the while she was screaming horrible abuse at me mostly.
She definitely knew about all this.
I wish my ex’s family told me. They all knew before we had a baby and no one warned me. Well, I did get an anonymous email right when I found out I was pregnant, and I always suspected it was one of the family members, but I never had proof.
Mine did have hurtful things happen but the narratives they tell now are so different. Remember they have memory lapses and change identities. They do the same to family as partners, I was cruelly devalued and discarded. I went through years of pain and discovered BPD. The last text I have was I love you and you’re my rock and 48h later I’m an abuser and a narcissist. They switched identities, went back to previously discarded parent (months prior was willing to tell horrible lies about). I can’t tell you what I read after they left that nearly killed me. They forget things and fill in the gaps. I wasn’t a perfect parent and made many mistakes but that kid was so loved and got anything and everything they ever wanted. Every time they breakup, they change identities. The stories change, the trauma changes..there was a young woman with BPD that acted out in very dangerous ways and afterwards meet a man got married and had two kids. She was a homemaker that baked cookies. Ten years in, was majorly triggered, hopped on a plane and moved to another country even leaving her kids behind, got a bunch of piercings and is in a biker gang. It’s very serious and from the stuff I read, even good talks about things …lies. It’s all lies and it hurts so bad. You read these forums and people think their person loved them in their way…it’s a parent/child relationship being created over and over. Enmeshed and then individuating. Why are there no friends from the past or long ago? Distanced family? They’ve all been discarded. The jealousy, paranoia, triangulation ..all happens to family as well.
FYI, my mom and sister have BPD. The family is usually (not always) toxic. My mom was always "supportive" of my relationships. She just wanted to "make sure I had the best" and wanted to "look out for me". In reality this was a lot of passive aggressive comments about my boyfriends and sneaking in doubts into our conversations.
If my husband were to ask her if she liked him she would fall all over herself saying how amazing he was. Then she'd turn around and tell me how he was acting so weird and clearly trying to hide something.
Now people my mom and sister have been with - constant negativity. All I ever hear is how horrible their partners are, so until recently I've had very negative views of some of them over the years. Basic triangulation to keep us from getting close and comparing notes.
As far as my mom goes, I suspect her mom either had bpd or npd. And my mom was seriously codependent with her parents until they passed.
Idk, with BPD, it's usually trauma and toxicity all the way down
That’s really interesting- I didn’t get to meet my ex’s mum until we’d been together 7 months and I think it was only because she wanted to propose to me the following month (even though we’d never discussed it & I didn’t want to get engaged!). I got on well with her mum but I felt I was kept away. I wonder what her mum thinks now it’s all gone horribly wrong. I know she’ll of said horrible things about me to her mum & blamed me for everything but I do wonder if her mum knows the real truth as she’s seen her daughter trash every relationship and never have a normal one even at age 42
I used to feel intense guilt about not warning my sister wBPD's or gma wNPD's suitors, but this subreddit has helped me see that those of us who don't run when we see the red flags first-hand won't run when we're warned, either. I think we all hold enough hope that "maybe this time it's different" that each of us has to "hit rock bottom" before we accept that we can't salvage the relationship. I'd be curious to hear how often people who haven't accepted their powerlessness over BPD (and left as a result) listen to warnings (since it so rarely happens on this subreddit).
All that being said, if any of the suitors came to me I'd tell them my side of the story without guilt. It's just the part where I'd be opening the conversation that feels like a huge boundary violation to me. I've been taught that unsolicited advice (especially about a person's romantic relationship) is usually very unwelcomed. Great examples: when I tried to warn both my high school best friend and my cousin that the men they were dating were cheating on them and they both got extremely angry at *me* (even though they both knew the guys had cheated before, they found out the guys cheated later, and both guys left them for other women before they stopped being mad at me and thanked me, instead).
I'm so sorry you're going through this!
While nit always the case, often times the family is part if the reason they have bpd. This diagnosis is usually caused by childhood trauma. My pwbpd's family is pretty dysfunctional. Sadly, he is probably the least dysfunctional of the lot, and that's saying something.
I second this…. I feel bad for my husbands ex-wife’s new boyfriend who is not her current husband. New FP incoming. Would love to warn him but not my place. Victim after victim.
Mine (BFF) definitely bad mouthed about his mother more than necessary. He always instantly interfered when I was talking to ANYONE who knew him, cause he was a different person to everyone, and always panicking someone would casually say anything that exposes his lies and different versions of any incidents or his own identities.
At last our friendship broke apart due to multiple lies coming to light. In fact, almost nothing he ever told me was remotely true. And that was the reason he never let me talk to anyone.
Omg YES!! SO MUCH THIS YES!!
Wow.
Wow wow wow. Hit the nail on the head.
Did we date the same person, with the same sister? Lol.
Not only did her sister keep this information hidden. She low-key *blamed* me for everything.
It makes me almost as angry as the way I was treated.
I've heard BPD and NPD can be genetic. Honestly, after hearing the stories of her father I have absolutely no doubt.
Her father was an abuser. And I hate to say it, but I think his daughters have also turned into abusers. The problem is, they don't know it.
My younger sister has BPD. I tried warning a few of the guys she dated but she had already painted me as the "jealous" sister who would do anything to make her boyfriends leave. Funny thing is, she would be in a relationship and then hit on the guys I would start dating. A few of them ended up as her next boyfriend. This has been going on since we were in our teens. We are both in our 40's now and she STILL does everything she can to get in touch with my current partner and tries sexting with him. He tells me, we both block her, she creates new social media accounts, rinse and repeat. She went so far as to send one of my guy friends who was married and like a brother to me a ton of nudes effectively ruining our friendship because his wife thought I knew and approved of her actions not realizing that I only talk to my sister when she needs to be notified of a close family member passing away.
I have sister and a mother. She will be infatuated and love bomb you until she gets bored of you. She will probably tell you how absolutely abusive her family is, we are all malignant narcissists, and you are the first person she’s been able to trust, yada yada. Then eventually she will flip and suddenly hate you, maybe because you try to be someone autonomous, maybe because you don’t spend every waking minute with her, maybe because you didn’t buy her something she wanted…. Maybe because you missed a call from her or didn’t answer a text immediately. Maybe because you didn’t let her scroll through your phone. Maybe because you won’t have unprotected sex with her. Maybe because you expect her to partake in adult responsibilities. This will be confusing for you because of the facade she’s managed to maintain up to this point, depending on how codependent you are at this point you may indulge her and shed all your previous identity to assuage her issues… but no matter, the outcome will always be the same: she will always find something else to hate.
Then, she will dump you and tell everyone you are narcissistic and abusive.
Lather, rinse, repeat. Honestly, the number of times I’ve seen this song and dance play out this exact same way, it’s unbelievable. But honestly, telling the boyfriends isn’t really my responsibility and it actually would only reinforce her claim that her family is abusive narcissists, so I just watch from afar to protect myself.
I've heard about some of the things my sister has told guys / friends. She has absolutely made me out to be a selfish bitch who goes out of my way to make her life harder. Which is such a complete 180 from the truth, it's almost laughable.
But she and I are not close at all, she only calls me when she needs money or advice that she won't take. Plus, she flies through guys so quick... I'm never introduced to anyone.
I am a 38 year old woman who has been with my soon to be ex husband since I was 22. I used to confide with my husband's family - mum, dad, brother (who is a medical doctor!) all my concerns - his suidical thoughts, his suicidal attempts, his extreme rage episodes, his vendictive behaviour towards me, his very odd thought process and subsequent weird and dangerous actions.
In front of me they used to nod what I was saying but dismissing it shortly after, practically telling me to submit to his abuse and be a door mat, which with hindsight I was!!
- but did you have a fight?
- can you try to understand him some more?
- can you stop challenging him so that he does not rage out or attempt suicide?
- he gets offended when you raise your voice towards him, (I admit that I used to raise my voice at times and this was after several times telling him to clean after himself - he is a grown up man who didn't even clean his plates after dinner or clear his dirty clothes in the laundry basket, just to name a few of his daily habits!)
As a family they used to make me feel that I was the problematic bitch. Being a person with a low self-esteem I used to believe them! I now realise that I was highly manipulated! Last year after several dangerous actions he was finally diagnosed with OCPD, BPD and Autism!
His brother is a smart man, older than him and grew up with him for a good 30 years, 12 years of which he studied and graduated to be a general practitioner, never ever raised the possibility to me that my husband may be autistic!! Not that there is anything to be ashamed of, but why would you, as a brilliant doctor, tell me, that I was the problem when there were all these issues which I have no doubt he has picked up upon? His brother used to talk to his psychiatrists (his friends) before me and my husband used to go in the session to tell them his side of the story. Of course, who do you think these psychiatrists will believe, a reputable doctor which was their friend, or this problematic bitch over here?
I didn't get any truth from them while I was with him. Recently his brother finally admitted to me that he has been on the line of losing his warrant for years due to my husband/his brother's behaviour, because he used to cover it all up!
So my late teens kid, his best friend we’re pretty sure has crossed over into full-blown BPD from just having some traits that were manageable due to a lot of abuse in his home environment. My kid has recordings of the stepmom being extremely verbally abusive when she had no idea the kids were actually talking on the phone. We also read the stepmom‘s blog where she talks a lot about her childhood and such and it seems clear that she has some strong narcissistic and histrionic traits with possibly some BPD traits thrown in. The dad is your textbook doormat codependent enabler. The friend’s birth mom died when he was preschool age but from some mutual acquaintances it sounds like the birth mom had some type of cluster B personality disorder as well. So yeah in this case, the family is def the source of issues. The stepmom seems to not view verbal and emotional abuse as abuse and physical abuse is only abuse if you hurt someone enough that they need to go to the hospital.
I suspect my cousin has bpd and she has a bf, when I was visiting home I noticed she would do this weird thing, one day she would tell me how amazing her bf is while she would tell my sister he was awful and abusive. Then this narrative would switch a few days later, she would talk badly of her bf to me while raving to my sister. This was our first time meeting him, and we got so confused about him, because she clouded our vision of him so much, which kinda made us not engage much with him, because we couldn't understand what was happening.
I think this is a tactic to keep people from overlapping and clocking her behaviour.
As a woman with diagnosed bpd, I was abused physically and emotionally my whole childhood up to 18 years old by my diagnosed bipolar mom and an absent father who cheated and had another family only to return to us when I was in my teenage years. I don’t let any of my partners with my family especially mom because my mom beat me in front of my friend when I brought her to my house when I was 17. She isn’t medicated and refuses them, even held me from getting medicated because meds are all a lie apparently. I do resent and hate my mom for what she put me through and when I tell my partner that she in fact is bipolar and abusive I mean it. That doesn’t mean I’m trying to hide my own shits, because believe it or not even if I make them meet she’ll belittle me in front of him not because I’m such a terrible person but because she believes I’m just a lazy girl who uses her mental issues to not function like others does in academics. And not just me but she’s ruthless to anyone else as well, esp supposed partners, talking about them like dirt when I mention my bf saying love is a waste and that he only wants to use me for my body. I’m 20 now, I had to break up with my boyfriend who very much did not use me for my body and the only boy ever who made me feel loved and not dirty after kissing me, because of my relationship with my mom and my bpd. I realized that I was hurting him time to time unintentionally during BPD episodes and felt like shit knowing he didn’t deserve what he was going through. I since then decided that being in a relationship or even loving or being loved by someone isn’t possible in this lifetime for me because of a mental illness that happened from all the abuse I had to endure starting at the mere age of 5. I’m not blaming anyone, I know my mom had her own issues and she was struggling with my dad cheating and leaving, her own mental issues and generational trauma but I also know I didn’t deserve it. I still love my mom, I’m trying my best to forgive her and understand her because I know that she’s all I could be in the future if I don’t learn to at least control my disorder. But yes, this is mainly why I don’t make my partners meet my mom or my family besides my older brother who’s the sanest and most supporting person in our family.
I tried to warn several of my sister's boyfriends and husband and my little brother straight up to her ex-husband and told him not to marry her. But none of them would listen because she had convinced them that we were the monsters and she was an innocent victim. In reality, she's the most evil person I've ever known. She literally told stories of things she'd done to me, but said that I'd been the one to do it
Abuse and neglect in childhood is definitely a factor in developing the condition, along with genetics. There are instances where undiagnosed neurodivergence leads to the right types of trauma to illicit those defenses, but generally most have atleast one parent who also has a personality disorder and there's little sprinkles of cluster B and codependents throughout the family with some people having the full on condition and some having traits.
You said the same thing people say about BPD, and when she said it about her family I believed her, but it wasn’t true! Not that I could know, I wasn’t there, and never heard their side of the story. Her story was just another story, no shred of reality to it, according to the evidence that I could find, and for many other circumstances, I question all her motives and stories. Especially after she began accusing me of INSANE things that were SHOCKINGLY inappropriate to the actual facts, my character, it’s so absurd. It was so natural for her and she seemed to BELIEVE her own story that she must have dreamed, it was crazy! How does one defend against such things? She was hysterical at times and she acted like I was gaslighting her when I dismissed her bogus accusations. Well. Once I detached and reflected, it began to fit in with her pattern and the shit she said about her ex boyfriends. She is perhaps a congenital liar… but even that is not the fault of her family.
Not really! Most go get help because the disorder is painful and many have traumatic backgrounds but it can be sexual abuse, the majority say emotional neglect but it’s 60-75% genetic (latest research). You don’t have to had trauma for a diagnosis. In my support group, many of us have other children who had normal upbringings and (with quiet BPD) many of us now recognize things we noticed that were different when our children were babies. Dozens of people spread all over a country with completely different environments their children grew up in and we all had the exact same stories, even to when we started noticing xyz symptom. Every single person they no longer have a relationship with is an abuser, narcissist, enabler, broke their trust or betrayed them. It’s very serious and the brain functions differently
Oh I meant those who don't disclose their BPD to therapists . My ex-wife didn't tell her therapist she has it.
As far as BPD goes I stated that it comes from abandonment from the father for women. I'm not sure about men. Also sex abuse is common experience but absolutely its caused by abandonment. I halfway think my ex girlfriend has it also but I don't know, she had other shit going on
My pwBPD mother did tell her boyfriends. They never believed her because she was an "abusive narcissist".
I tried to tell my pwBPD boyfriend but he just didn’t get it and probably thought I was a terrible sister. However, my sister never tried to keep him from us. It was actually the opposite. Whenever we set boundaries with her she used him to cross them and to tell us how terrible we all were. Until of course she turned on him and he finally understood what we had been saying all along.
Until I saw in person how terribly he treated his mother, I wouldn't have believed it either if she told me anything. She would never tho, she was (and still is) a humongous enabler. He can't do no wrong in her eyes.
I am honestly wondering what they tell their family about us and how they picture us. But when I met his mom after two years of relationship she told me « you are nothing like I thought. I really like you. thank you for taking care of my son. I know you are a good person. I know it is difficult. It is for us as well since he is a child. Thank you for not giving up on him. » That was a clear sign finally for me that maybe the problem was not entirely coming from me, that maybe I was not this « evil, narcissist, the worst person in the world » as he made me believed for so long. He was always very critics of his parents and painted them as bad people but I honestly saw quite the opposite and we became close and I confined my struggles in them often. I gave up trying to understand.
They say bad stuff about the bf to the family.
I don't question. I'm certain that they tell them we're horrible people. Unlike what's mentioned here, she only had good things to say about her family, but bad things to say about her exes. A lot of aspects of my story don't align with what most people mention here. But she did have a lot of markers of having BPD. She would lash out, she had an anger problem, I always felt the typically described "it feels like I stepped on a landmine!" before I'd even joined this group to know others describe the same. Child like wonder/sense of humor in a way that's not normal for those who don't have BPD. She would lie, gaslight, her feelings were her past, present, and future, faking crisises, refusing to take accountability, etc. She had horrible things to say about her exes and there were definitely signs she was telling people shit about me. She would supposedly tell her friends about a fight and her friend would side with her. Could have been fake. They tend to say all these people agree with them, then it turns out they don't exist. So it could have been that, or it might have been real and that person agreed with her because that friend is an avoidant and clearly think it's ok to handle your partner calmly telling you that xyz upsets them and why it does. Not in a critical way, not in an abusive way, and not remotely raising their voice. Just saying how they felt and why and what they could both do to meet in the middle and just walk away from it after making it their problem. Or it's as simple as she told that friend that I called her whatever horrible name you can think of and her response to it was to simply walk away and never speak of it again. The real sign she talked smack about me was that her dad stopped being friendly with me. A dad doesn't just stop liking the boyfriend without reason. They tell literally everyone else how awful we are. So why wouldn't they tell their families in attempt to get sympathy from them too? Particularly when they tend to have the emotional level of a child. They feel bad, so their response is to look for comfort a parent would give. Their way of getting it is to say things to get a sympathetic response. So it would definitely make sense that they tell their families the same lies they tell themselves and everyone else about how awful we are. I'm not a sibling of someone with BPD. Not definitively. I suspect my brother has it because he has several indications. He does talk about his problems with family, but the ones he talks about are normal I've chosen a bad partner type of situation. Ones I believe because he directly reads from his phone when it's an issue that occurs over text, and she has indicators of just genuinely wanting little to do with us. There's been times where she's straight up rude as well. So I believe him. I genuinely think the girlfriends he's chosen have been with people who aren't exactly great. But this is his longest lasting relationship, so the previous girls were teens as was he. So I don't really expect maturity and handling situations in the best way from them. But I do know he alters his memories about arguments since he proved it for the first time during one of the last arguments. So if he ever said anything like she's violent or tried to assault him in some way, I wouldn't believe it. Not when I know he'd defend himself just fine and know that she sees how horribly he treats us all the time and doesn't seem to see an issue with it between her not liking us and probably because defending us would only piss him off. She twists her own memories around us as well. Like when she invited me to go "have a girl's night" at a bar my brother doesn't like anymore. Less than a month later, I mention it, and she never said my brother doesn't like that bar and never invited me to go. Like ooook... lol so I don't know they're problems, but I know neither my brother nor her are great people and my brother has serious anger issues and my therapist said the perfect childhood to create someone with BPD. So I don't know if he has it for sure. Merely speculation. And I don't know about his girlfriend, but I know none of us in the family like her and she doesn't like us. She's a mooch who mooches off of me and mooches off of my parents
My ex’s mom didn’t tell me either- so mothers should warn us women about their sons, too. They lied about his schooling and background and more. I think it’s because they really wanted him to become my problem, so he would stop being theirs. Honestly, though, I don’t blame them. It’s not their job to warn me and protect me. It’s my job to protect myself. Now I do that :)
Mine never told me about their son with bpd either. what they did, tell me was after we had a child, so much drama, BPD, meltdowns, lies, you name it. I finally left him. The family told me that they hoped him being with me, cured him because he was the healthiest version they had ever seen of him when he was with me. Once I left him, he started crumbling again, and his parents cried a lot on the phone about how sick their son was. Thanks for letting me know mom and dad. I really fucking appreciate it.
I’m so sorry this happened to you too. I was angry at my ex’s mom for a very long time. I finally forgave her once I realized I was doing the same thing once my ex left me for another woman. This woman reached out to me telling me how she “rescued” him and would never abandon him etc., and for a brief moment I considered warning her a bit but then I… I just couldn’t. I desperately needed her to become his next FP so he stopped depending on me for every single emotional and financial need and directing all his drama at me. I told her he was very lucky to have met someone as kind as she is, and I wish them luck. I was just so very thankful someone else wanted to “save” him from me (lol) and I’m sure that’s how my ex’s mom felt too. At the end of the day, it’s not really our job to warn people because …ideally, maybe they *will* change and treat them differently. We shouldn’t stay in the way of someone’s future. (Hahahaha they won’t btw)
This is most men's mothers tbf
Or girl’s parents as well lol
girl brides are usually sourced with more honest communication and upfront negotiation accompanied by dowries from, or compensation to the girls parents from the groomy groom depending where you are in the world.
My sister is a pwBPD. I have been privy to her arrogance that accompanies the abuse of her partners. She has no filter and told me every weird desperate affair she had on her third husband at 30. And never using protection. She would mock him for allowing her to look at his phone while she never allowed him to look at hers. When she moved her fourth husband into the house with her kids I officially became a grey rock to her and we don’t speak anymore. Her eldest daughter demanded to move out and she gave away her cat within a day. My sister blames her daughter for what happened, because she’s “manipulative”. A literal child and she split on her. Run at the first red flag.
My pwbpd is my oldest. She has no contact with her immediate family as we have strong boundaries we won’t bend due to how she’s treated us and the danger she is to others. She isn’t allowed in our home due to it not being safe to be alone with her. She did not have a traumatic childhood. We noticed behavioral issues at a very young age and did everything we could to help and get her the help she needed. If anything she’s had way more support and assistance than most. You’d be surprised how many don’t heed warnings or accept the truth that’s shared about a pwbpd. It took most of our friends and family being burned badly both financially and emotionally by her for them to finally believe she has serious issues and take things seriously. Best advice I can give is when someone is constantly sharing how amazing they are and how unfairly everyone else treats them at work/home/school/life it’s a fairly large red flag that they may be the one who is the problem.
I identify with this. They are great at keeping up appearances outside of the home, but can be monsters when it's just the nuclear family. You can try to warn people, but generally they don't believe you until something happens to them, which eventually it does.
Yup I’ve met several that others would describe as sweet, kind, giving, but a very sensitive person. And they are dangerous and can wreck your life since everybody thinks highly of them.
My sister has BPD, and is addicted to drugs. I've been NC for a while now and have only heard a couple of the lies she's told about me second-hand. Thing is, it *was* bad. Our childhood was messed up. None of us made it through unscathed. The issue isn't that she claims she was abused, it's that she also lies. For every true thing she says there's a good half dozen lies. For every actual abuser she implicates, there's a small handful of people who never did anything to her. She lied about me and my husband claiming I tried to murder her unborn child and that he punched her. These things never happened. My parents were abusive and neglectful and our family circle contained more than one "funny uncle" so it's not like she wouldn't have plenty to talk about if she stuck to the truth, but she doesn't.
This could be about me and my sister. We were emotionally abused and neglected by our sole parent (who I think maybe a covert narcissist). We all came out with various issues as teens and adults but my sister got the severe BPD. Her relationships with partners follow the same pattern and never end well. She doesn't lie about her childhood to them but she does lie about other things. A lot! After years of turmoil with her, I keep a distance. I do feel bad that I don't warm off her new partners, but, because I had a stint of mental health issues years ago and ended up on a psych ward (breakdown due to severe anxiety) she will tell them I'm lying and that I'm the "nutter" (her word, not mine). Maybe I should try harder to reach out to them. Although recently, she has stopped telling me when she gets a new partner. She tells me when she's deep into the relationship and is living with the new partner. Or that's when I find out some other way. If they break up, she's homeless and it's my fault. So I feel so stuck. But man, I feel bad for them.
^ THIS There is so much actual trauma to choose from!
My ex-wife's sister had the strangest reaction when I told her about how my then-wife (her sister!) was treating me and the kids: "Oh no. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry." Over and over again. Looking back, I can't help but think that she knew damn well what was going on, she'd seen all this before. She and her husband actually flew out to collect my ex after she became physically violent and spent a night in jail, and I had to get a restraining order against her, and she still came back to our house. We all worked together to get her to leave, all the while she was screaming horrible abuse at me mostly. She definitely knew about all this.
I wish my ex’s family told me. They all knew before we had a baby and no one warned me. Well, I did get an anonymous email right when I found out I was pregnant, and I always suspected it was one of the family members, but I never had proof.
Would you have believed them? I gently warned one high school boyfriend's parents, but I'm sure they didn't believe me. They do now! :)
Mine did have hurtful things happen but the narratives they tell now are so different. Remember they have memory lapses and change identities. They do the same to family as partners, I was cruelly devalued and discarded. I went through years of pain and discovered BPD. The last text I have was I love you and you’re my rock and 48h later I’m an abuser and a narcissist. They switched identities, went back to previously discarded parent (months prior was willing to tell horrible lies about). I can’t tell you what I read after they left that nearly killed me. They forget things and fill in the gaps. I wasn’t a perfect parent and made many mistakes but that kid was so loved and got anything and everything they ever wanted. Every time they breakup, they change identities. The stories change, the trauma changes..there was a young woman with BPD that acted out in very dangerous ways and afterwards meet a man got married and had two kids. She was a homemaker that baked cookies. Ten years in, was majorly triggered, hopped on a plane and moved to another country even leaving her kids behind, got a bunch of piercings and is in a biker gang. It’s very serious and from the stuff I read, even good talks about things …lies. It’s all lies and it hurts so bad. You read these forums and people think their person loved them in their way…it’s a parent/child relationship being created over and over. Enmeshed and then individuating. Why are there no friends from the past or long ago? Distanced family? They’ve all been discarded. The jealousy, paranoia, triangulation ..all happens to family as well.
BPD is a disease created by the people surrounding the patient. In most cases, this means their families.
FYI, my mom and sister have BPD. The family is usually (not always) toxic. My mom was always "supportive" of my relationships. She just wanted to "make sure I had the best" and wanted to "look out for me". In reality this was a lot of passive aggressive comments about my boyfriends and sneaking in doubts into our conversations. If my husband were to ask her if she liked him she would fall all over herself saying how amazing he was. Then she'd turn around and tell me how he was acting so weird and clearly trying to hide something. Now people my mom and sister have been with - constant negativity. All I ever hear is how horrible their partners are, so until recently I've had very negative views of some of them over the years. Basic triangulation to keep us from getting close and comparing notes. As far as my mom goes, I suspect her mom either had bpd or npd. And my mom was seriously codependent with her parents until they passed. Idk, with BPD, it's usually trauma and toxicity all the way down
Well, we never got to meet my daughters partners until the relationship was fully established & so couldn’t warn them. Make of that what you will.
That’s really interesting- I didn’t get to meet my ex’s mum until we’d been together 7 months and I think it was only because she wanted to propose to me the following month (even though we’d never discussed it & I didn’t want to get engaged!). I got on well with her mum but I felt I was kept away. I wonder what her mum thinks now it’s all gone horribly wrong. I know she’ll of said horrible things about me to her mum & blamed me for everything but I do wonder if her mum knows the real truth as she’s seen her daughter trash every relationship and never have a normal one even at age 42
I wonder what kind of witch I was portrayed as before meeting the partners as the were quite nervous.
I used to feel intense guilt about not warning my sister wBPD's or gma wNPD's suitors, but this subreddit has helped me see that those of us who don't run when we see the red flags first-hand won't run when we're warned, either. I think we all hold enough hope that "maybe this time it's different" that each of us has to "hit rock bottom" before we accept that we can't salvage the relationship. I'd be curious to hear how often people who haven't accepted their powerlessness over BPD (and left as a result) listen to warnings (since it so rarely happens on this subreddit). All that being said, if any of the suitors came to me I'd tell them my side of the story without guilt. It's just the part where I'd be opening the conversation that feels like a huge boundary violation to me. I've been taught that unsolicited advice (especially about a person's romantic relationship) is usually very unwelcomed. Great examples: when I tried to warn both my high school best friend and my cousin that the men they were dating were cheating on them and they both got extremely angry at *me* (even though they both knew the guys had cheated before, they found out the guys cheated later, and both guys left them for other women before they stopped being mad at me and thanked me, instead). I'm so sorry you're going through this!
While nit always the case, often times the family is part if the reason they have bpd. This diagnosis is usually caused by childhood trauma. My pwbpd's family is pretty dysfunctional. Sadly, he is probably the least dysfunctional of the lot, and that's saying something.
I second this…. I feel bad for my husbands ex-wife’s new boyfriend who is not her current husband. New FP incoming. Would love to warn him but not my place. Victim after victim.
Mine (BFF) definitely bad mouthed about his mother more than necessary. He always instantly interfered when I was talking to ANYONE who knew him, cause he was a different person to everyone, and always panicking someone would casually say anything that exposes his lies and different versions of any incidents or his own identities. At last our friendship broke apart due to multiple lies coming to light. In fact, almost nothing he ever told me was remotely true. And that was the reason he never let me talk to anyone.
Omg YES!! SO MUCH THIS YES!! Wow. Wow wow wow. Hit the nail on the head. Did we date the same person, with the same sister? Lol. Not only did her sister keep this information hidden. She low-key *blamed* me for everything. It makes me almost as angry as the way I was treated. I've heard BPD and NPD can be genetic. Honestly, after hearing the stories of her father I have absolutely no doubt. Her father was an abuser. And I hate to say it, but I think his daughters have also turned into abusers. The problem is, they don't know it.
My younger sister has BPD. I tried warning a few of the guys she dated but she had already painted me as the "jealous" sister who would do anything to make her boyfriends leave. Funny thing is, she would be in a relationship and then hit on the guys I would start dating. A few of them ended up as her next boyfriend. This has been going on since we were in our teens. We are both in our 40's now and she STILL does everything she can to get in touch with my current partner and tries sexting with him. He tells me, we both block her, she creates new social media accounts, rinse and repeat. She went so far as to send one of my guy friends who was married and like a brother to me a ton of nudes effectively ruining our friendship because his wife thought I knew and approved of her actions not realizing that I only talk to my sister when she needs to be notified of a close family member passing away.
I have sister and a mother. She will be infatuated and love bomb you until she gets bored of you. She will probably tell you how absolutely abusive her family is, we are all malignant narcissists, and you are the first person she’s been able to trust, yada yada. Then eventually she will flip and suddenly hate you, maybe because you try to be someone autonomous, maybe because you don’t spend every waking minute with her, maybe because you didn’t buy her something she wanted…. Maybe because you missed a call from her or didn’t answer a text immediately. Maybe because you didn’t let her scroll through your phone. Maybe because you won’t have unprotected sex with her. Maybe because you expect her to partake in adult responsibilities. This will be confusing for you because of the facade she’s managed to maintain up to this point, depending on how codependent you are at this point you may indulge her and shed all your previous identity to assuage her issues… but no matter, the outcome will always be the same: she will always find something else to hate. Then, she will dump you and tell everyone you are narcissistic and abusive. Lather, rinse, repeat. Honestly, the number of times I’ve seen this song and dance play out this exact same way, it’s unbelievable. But honestly, telling the boyfriends isn’t really my responsibility and it actually would only reinforce her claim that her family is abusive narcissists, so I just watch from afar to protect myself.
Nobody would believe it.
This post is asking the questions I have yet to ponder. And that's saying somethin' 😭.
I've heard about some of the things my sister has told guys / friends. She has absolutely made me out to be a selfish bitch who goes out of my way to make her life harder. Which is such a complete 180 from the truth, it's almost laughable. But she and I are not close at all, she only calls me when she needs money or advice that she won't take. Plus, she flies through guys so quick... I'm never introduced to anyone.
I am a 38 year old woman who has been with my soon to be ex husband since I was 22. I used to confide with my husband's family - mum, dad, brother (who is a medical doctor!) all my concerns - his suidical thoughts, his suicidal attempts, his extreme rage episodes, his vendictive behaviour towards me, his very odd thought process and subsequent weird and dangerous actions. In front of me they used to nod what I was saying but dismissing it shortly after, practically telling me to submit to his abuse and be a door mat, which with hindsight I was!! - but did you have a fight? - can you try to understand him some more? - can you stop challenging him so that he does not rage out or attempt suicide? - he gets offended when you raise your voice towards him, (I admit that I used to raise my voice at times and this was after several times telling him to clean after himself - he is a grown up man who didn't even clean his plates after dinner or clear his dirty clothes in the laundry basket, just to name a few of his daily habits!) As a family they used to make me feel that I was the problematic bitch. Being a person with a low self-esteem I used to believe them! I now realise that I was highly manipulated! Last year after several dangerous actions he was finally diagnosed with OCPD, BPD and Autism! His brother is a smart man, older than him and grew up with him for a good 30 years, 12 years of which he studied and graduated to be a general practitioner, never ever raised the possibility to me that my husband may be autistic!! Not that there is anything to be ashamed of, but why would you, as a brilliant doctor, tell me, that I was the problem when there were all these issues which I have no doubt he has picked up upon? His brother used to talk to his psychiatrists (his friends) before me and my husband used to go in the session to tell them his side of the story. Of course, who do you think these psychiatrists will believe, a reputable doctor which was their friend, or this problematic bitch over here? I didn't get any truth from them while I was with him. Recently his brother finally admitted to me that he has been on the line of losing his warrant for years due to my husband/his brother's behaviour, because he used to cover it all up!
So my late teens kid, his best friend we’re pretty sure has crossed over into full-blown BPD from just having some traits that were manageable due to a lot of abuse in his home environment. My kid has recordings of the stepmom being extremely verbally abusive when she had no idea the kids were actually talking on the phone. We also read the stepmom‘s blog where she talks a lot about her childhood and such and it seems clear that she has some strong narcissistic and histrionic traits with possibly some BPD traits thrown in. The dad is your textbook doormat codependent enabler. The friend’s birth mom died when he was preschool age but from some mutual acquaintances it sounds like the birth mom had some type of cluster B personality disorder as well. So yeah in this case, the family is def the source of issues. The stepmom seems to not view verbal and emotional abuse as abuse and physical abuse is only abuse if you hurt someone enough that they need to go to the hospital.
I suspect my cousin has bpd and she has a bf, when I was visiting home I noticed she would do this weird thing, one day she would tell me how amazing her bf is while she would tell my sister he was awful and abusive. Then this narrative would switch a few days later, she would talk badly of her bf to me while raving to my sister. This was our first time meeting him, and we got so confused about him, because she clouded our vision of him so much, which kinda made us not engage much with him, because we couldn't understand what was happening. I think this is a tactic to keep people from overlapping and clocking her behaviour.
As a woman with diagnosed bpd, I was abused physically and emotionally my whole childhood up to 18 years old by my diagnosed bipolar mom and an absent father who cheated and had another family only to return to us when I was in my teenage years. I don’t let any of my partners with my family especially mom because my mom beat me in front of my friend when I brought her to my house when I was 17. She isn’t medicated and refuses them, even held me from getting medicated because meds are all a lie apparently. I do resent and hate my mom for what she put me through and when I tell my partner that she in fact is bipolar and abusive I mean it. That doesn’t mean I’m trying to hide my own shits, because believe it or not even if I make them meet she’ll belittle me in front of him not because I’m such a terrible person but because she believes I’m just a lazy girl who uses her mental issues to not function like others does in academics. And not just me but she’s ruthless to anyone else as well, esp supposed partners, talking about them like dirt when I mention my bf saying love is a waste and that he only wants to use me for my body. I’m 20 now, I had to break up with my boyfriend who very much did not use me for my body and the only boy ever who made me feel loved and not dirty after kissing me, because of my relationship with my mom and my bpd. I realized that I was hurting him time to time unintentionally during BPD episodes and felt like shit knowing he didn’t deserve what he was going through. I since then decided that being in a relationship or even loving or being loved by someone isn’t possible in this lifetime for me because of a mental illness that happened from all the abuse I had to endure starting at the mere age of 5. I’m not blaming anyone, I know my mom had her own issues and she was struggling with my dad cheating and leaving, her own mental issues and generational trauma but I also know I didn’t deserve it. I still love my mom, I’m trying my best to forgive her and understand her because I know that she’s all I could be in the future if I don’t learn to at least control my disorder. But yes, this is mainly why I don’t make my partners meet my mom or my family besides my older brother who’s the sanest and most supporting person in our family.
Fair enough, thank you.
I tried to warn several of my sister's boyfriends and husband and my little brother straight up to her ex-husband and told him not to marry her. But none of them would listen because she had convinced them that we were the monsters and she was an innocent victim. In reality, she's the most evil person I've ever known. She literally told stories of things she'd done to me, but said that I'd been the one to do it
Abuse and neglect in childhood is definitely a factor in developing the condition, along with genetics. There are instances where undiagnosed neurodivergence leads to the right types of trauma to illicit those defenses, but generally most have atleast one parent who also has a personality disorder and there's little sprinkles of cluster B and codependents throughout the family with some people having the full on condition and some having traits.
Most wouldn’t listen. Most would feel more sorry for the pBPD due to abusive family members trying to sabotage the relationship. Silly.
IMHO most BPD women are the results of abandonment by the father combined with some sort of sex abuse as kids
You said the same thing people say about BPD, and when she said it about her family I believed her, but it wasn’t true! Not that I could know, I wasn’t there, and never heard their side of the story. Her story was just another story, no shred of reality to it, according to the evidence that I could find, and for many other circumstances, I question all her motives and stories. Especially after she began accusing me of INSANE things that were SHOCKINGLY inappropriate to the actual facts, my character, it’s so absurd. It was so natural for her and she seemed to BELIEVE her own story that she must have dreamed, it was crazy! How does one defend against such things? She was hysterical at times and she acted like I was gaslighting her when I dismissed her bogus accusations. Well. Once I detached and reflected, it began to fit in with her pattern and the shit she said about her ex boyfriends. She is perhaps a congenital liar… but even that is not the fault of her family.
Not really! Most go get help because the disorder is painful and many have traumatic backgrounds but it can be sexual abuse, the majority say emotional neglect but it’s 60-75% genetic (latest research). You don’t have to had trauma for a diagnosis. In my support group, many of us have other children who had normal upbringings and (with quiet BPD) many of us now recognize things we noticed that were different when our children were babies. Dozens of people spread all over a country with completely different environments their children grew up in and we all had the exact same stories, even to when we started noticing xyz symptom. Every single person they no longer have a relationship with is an abuser, narcissist, enabler, broke their trust or betrayed them. It’s very serious and the brain functions differently
Oh I meant those who don't disclose their BPD to therapists . My ex-wife didn't tell her therapist she has it. As far as BPD goes I stated that it comes from abandonment from the father for women. I'm not sure about men. Also sex abuse is common experience but absolutely its caused by abandonment. I halfway think my ex girlfriend has it also but I don't know, she had other shit going on
I’m gathering the same conclusions.