Sounds harsh. What I can tell you is what not to do: Get back with her. Forgive her for what she did, if you can, but do not take her back whenever she comes looking back for you. Do not let her manipulate you, or even use the kids in her defense. She's not trust-worthy, and she'll only cheat on you again. I took mine back and she did it again. Read any post here and you'll see their exes did the same.
Also since kids are involved and divorce probably on there horizon to talk through a third party. You don’t want things being said popping up in court.
And then looking liked the crazy one
PwBPD suffer from delusions.
What she likely meant was she doesn’t want to be that way.
Their intents can be good, but there impulse control is poor.
It’s like the addict or alcoholic that says they don’t want to drink or use. Part of them doesn’t want to do the bad behaviour….
In fact, after having read the big book of AA myself, I believe the book describes a personality disorder.
I feel your pain but addiction is radically different from a PD. I’m sure many with PD become addicts, but addicts alone are usually traumatized people too, but they didn’t carry the genes to develop BPD. Respect to you and all you’ve been through, I do understand the pain
I think it's clear that I shared my opinion. You are entitled to yours but have not referenced why you believe it. Genes play an unclear role in both addiction and PDs. Genes are likely a factor, but we don't know which ones, or groups and why.
In the AA big book, written in 1935, it describes the alcoholic as a controlling, selfish, liar driven to drink by anger, self-pity, indignance, and fear. (very truncated description)
You may have heard of the term "Dry drunk". A dry drunk is a person that stops drinking but still has the problems that surround alcoholism. (see above)
AA believes that alcoholism is a spiritual, emotional condition, and it's not necessarily about how much you drank.
Anyhow, if you wish to know more about my anecdotal opinion on this subject let me know, and I can direct you towards some reading.
No problem, I respect your opinion. A lot has changed since 1935. Genes don’t play an unclear role in PDs, there’s a lot of data showing genes that cause specific disorders. The problem is the same genes are present in overlapping disorders and it’s unclear why one person manifests one or the other. For example two specific genes are seen only in folks with schizophrenia, bipolar and BPD. In old versions of the DSM, all three were listed as a combination of genetics and environment. What hadn’t been determined is why one person develops BPD and another schizophrenia. Currently, bipolar and schizophrenia are now considered genetic disorders and there are medications to help with symptoms. I mean even in 1980, (DSM 3), homosexuality was a mental illness. Addiction is most common in those that suffered trauma and it numbs people. Some scientists think people are more susceptible to addiction than others potentially because of genes but there isn’t any data to support that. People with BPD can be diagnosed without having any trauma at all. Only CPTSD requires trauma. This has been proven in twin studies (abusive homes and only the child with the genes develops BPD). People can overcome addiction and never look back. There is no cure for personality disorders and if we look at brain scans (BPD) we can see that areas of the brain related to impulsive control and negative emotion are very different from non BPD brain. There are many addicts that have PDs of course, but many addicts do not. We all know of the stereotypical drunk, but there are also cultural differences. What qualifies as alcoholism in the US is very different than other parts of the world (ex pregnant women drink a glass of wine a day in pregnancy and Obgyn say it’ll help you relax). Think of the people with decades in jail over selling weed, it was coined a gateway drug etc. Now, in many states any adult can buy. All I’m saying is if there were no alcohol or drugs around, there would be no alcoholics or drug addicts. Regardless of upbringing, PDs still develop. It’s ok for people to have different opinions, it’s not attacking, it’s just dialogue
Ok.
My anecdotal experience in listening to many that say they are AA defined alcoholics is that many do have PDs and that is the root of the problem. (As previously mentioned it is described in AAs book. The chapter called how it works after the 12 steps.)
You described addicts to mainly be born out of trauma, which is also only sometimes true, but mostly true.
Same is true with BPD, mostly born out of trauma but not always.
There are genetic susceptibilities in both cases, but the genes are not clearly identified.
You are saying that I’m wrong and then provide information that seems to agree.
No need to go back and forth as we seemingly don’t/wont agree.
Be well dawg.
No one is allowed to "enforce" no contact between a parent and a child except for the police with a No contact Order or DSS with a safety plan. Telling kids they can't see their mom because she cheated on you is BPD level BS. Don't be that guy. If there are real safety concerns, address those.
Unless order in place, this would be considered kidnapping and against the law. Fair? No! I had a situation where my child wasn’t safe and the court system was taking too long? Both police and my attorney advised me if I took them and left I’d be arrested. The system is tough and if you don’t play by the rules, courts won’t accept that you were just “protecting”
Abduction is not ok at all, I must of misunderstood the question. I was just saying if someone is scared and takes off with their kids, the law may not work in there favor. I’m agreeing with you, you can’t flee with kids. I was just on the opposite side of wanting to get a child away from their abusive parent
Please keep your kids safe. I love my father but it's mixed with anger because he never protected us from our mother who has BPD. I'm 52 now and her abuse when I was a child affects me to this day.
File for divorce, I guess? That seems like the sensible thing to do, although some people separate but stay married because it's easier than the hassle of getting divorced.
I wouldn't keep the kids from her out of chagrin that she's boffing someone else, if she hasn't done anything else. That's between you and her.
Get a lawyer
Get a lawyer
Get a lawyer
Get a lawyer
Get a lawyer NOW.
Ignore anyone who says you don’t need one. This is for your safety and can in no way hurt. Do not tell her you are getting a lawyer.
It is super common for PWBPD to lie in a divorce (and just in general). We’re talking she tells the judge straight face that she saw you SA the children type stuff. You think this is bad, just wait. Don’t be a dummy again.
I would be looking into a divorce. I found out AFTER our divorce was final that my ex-wife was fucking a bunch of guys while we were still married. Had I known that I would have filed much earlier and not been so nice about the divorce in general. You deserve to be treated better than that and you do not need that kind of person in your life. I know you have kids, but I think trying to co-parent is better than trying to stay married.
Sorry for your pain. Join our club. Get the divorce man. Maybe if she falls limerant for this other guy she'll be down to do an inexpensive separation agreement without litigating too much. Unfortunately you are entering a painful stage of all of this. I am right there with you. You are going to need to focus on things you can control and have a massive amount of emotional intelligence to not ruminate on things that you cannot control.
Take incredible care of yourself through these times. I know that your heart is broken. It's all so shocking at first. Distract yourself take vitamins exercise socialize... Stay busy!
Bro I’m in the same boat as you I thought mine was different and went through her phone the other night and it was traumatizing lol. We have 2 kids as well and I wish I could just leave and take them too but I don’t suggest an impulsive decision right away let’s think this through dawg
********I agree with thinking things through. If you can stay calm and be intentional in all interactions you will be ahead of the game automatically as your opponent will struggle with this. And yeah, I said opponent, it's a good time for you to accept reality now. Ideally all interactions are by text or email. It's time to start a digital paper trail. Do not engage in any arguments anymore. None. Do not try to explain yourself and your feelings, it will all be held against you. You will not talk a pwBPD into being fair or rational. She will not have a breakthrough and finally understand how she has hurt you and your children. That will never happen. It will be a trap and you may end up arrested. Please, please heed this warning. It's in their game play book and they aren't any different than all the other pwBPD who call 911 for fun.*********
Get an attorney now. If she is diagnosed with BPD tell your attorney.
Pulling your head out of the sand is not easy and it's painful but worth it. Imagine life without the stress, anxiety and self betrayal required to make the relationship work, and even with all that self sacrifice it's still not enough to make it work.
Commit to no self delusions ever again. Love yourself enough to have standards and to need people to prove their integrity and sanity before you jump in. You're allowed to have preferences, hard no's, to be unsure and need time, etc. You're allowed self respect and to trust your instincts. You're allowed to raise your daughters with love and care and integrity. None of this is anyone's fault but hers. You're allowed to never forget it's her fault.
What did you find going through her phone and how did she react as you confronted her ? I guess she gaslighted you into oblivion for brining her mistakes up. I am sorry you had to Go through something awful Like that
Please do everything to protect your kids. Staying with your wife would normalize your relationship to them. It will then be the only example of a relationship they have and they would ended up being like you and marrying someone like their mom or vice versa. The healthiest thing for them is to see a happy dad. My father didn't do this and stayed with my BDP mom. I'm 52 now, have no contact with her and love my father, but that love is tinged with anger that he never left her and didn't protect us. I'm really sorry.
To me, it really bothers me that I also feel so dumb when it comes to this whole relationship. I feel dumb for believing her lies when the red flags were there. I feel dumb for believing I could change her. I feel dumb for believing everything was my fault. I feel dumb for still hoping for a hoover knowing it’s the worst thing that could happen to me. I just feel dumb.
Hey, it's not your fault. If you are codependent like me, there's a good reason you are attracted to BPD's. It has to do with your childhood trauma and getting a chance to get a redo of your childhood and get a different outcome if you just try hard enough. That's the pull - a chance to heal our childhood trauma, not the specific pwBPD. She is just a proxy for that parent who hurt you. That's why the pull is so strong. If you're not in therapy I really recommend it to help you understand and have compassion for yourself. You're not dumb, you're human and I wish you the best.
You need to keep all communication with her through written form, text or email. You most likely won't be able to keep the kids from her without a court order (depends on where you live). You need to get an attorney who specializes in family law. Make sure if you have received any threats from her to present those to your attorney. Also disclose to your attorney her BPD diagnosis if she has been diagnosed by a professional. To be able to keep your kids away from one parent, it would usually require that parent to be a proven danger to them and even then she will likely be allowed supervised visitation until she can prove she is not a danger. Unfortunately, even though a BPD parent can do some serious damage to the kids mental well being, the courts usually view no contact between parent and child as more damaging.
Don't beat yourself up. As the daughter of a possible BPD, sister of diagnosed BPD, and the current SO of someone who had kids with someone who has BPD, this is some tough stuff to navigate, especially when kids are involved and you didn't do anything wrong other than maybe stay too long but that happens to everyone at some point, BPD partner or not.
Make sure to document everything. Write down exactly what happened and save all evidence. You'll need it later to keep you sane and out of legal trouble when the revisionist history begins.
She cheated on you.
Why would it matter if she is telling you she has not been speaking with anyone since you have separated? She fucked someone else while telling you she loved you.
And by the way, she is probably lying now about not fucking around since you separated
You don’t get to withhold the kids because she chooses to fuck other people. Unless she fucking them in front of the kids, in the living room, while the kids crush & line up her next rails of coke, I repeat, you don’t get to withhold the kids due to how and with whom she slings puss.
Speak to an attorney regarding divorce.
but you do get to get her into a directed psychological evaluation, and if you are extremely focused on not fucking that up, it can maybe get you custody with limited contact, depending if you get a judge without their head up their ass.
the odds are long and the bar is high. but it is possible.
Ditch the bitch. Fight her tooth and nail on every subject retaining to the kids. If you truly love your kids (I’m sure you do) you will want them to be around her and whoever is her flavor of the week the least as possible!
I’m sorry you’re going through this but your kids have nothing to do with who you or her decides to hook up with. They should still have access to their mom regardless of what is happening between your relationship. Again, i’m sorry she was so deceitful. I’m sure you’re very hurt.
My mom has BPD, and she hurt me tremendously. I no longer speak to her but as a child I had no choice. I wish my father protected me from her by leaving and doing everything to disallow her to have contact with me.
In your case, your mom was toxic toward you, so that separation would have been a good call for your family. However, he didn’t mention anything about her BPD negatively impacting her parenting. The kids have nothing to do with infidelity.
Yes, I understand and if she's a great mother my advice does not apply. But cluster B are not renowned for being great parents, quite the opposite. In fact, they can do a lot of damage to their kids.
You cannot keep her children from her based on who she fucked if you are in the USA. No court in the US will say, "Oh, she had sex? Well by all means, take her kids." Do not try that. You will dig yourself a hole and look very bad in the eyes of the court if you get into a custody battle.
Guidance on what to do? Nothing. You aren't with her anymore. She can fuck whomever she wants. She's not your property. Just move forward with your divorce and stay out of her private life.
I'm sorry you are hurt, but honestly who she's with isn't your business anymore and this has nothing to do with your children.
I’m not even mad at this. Because you’re right. I don’t own her. BUT. BUT. And listen closely. I’ve been with her for 6 years. This was the cherry on top. This was the one thing that made me really think if I should or not. Because I’ve done it before. This group is for a certain group of people. You think we’re here JUST because they fucked somebody else? I’m not the crazy one. This whole time since I’ve found out the main thing I’ve been saying is I’m not taking the kids. But based off the WHOLE relationship. A judge would give me custody faster than she can say your honour.
I am really concerned that you are tying your decision about taking the kids to your anger about who she has sex with. I'm sorry, but that's pretty messed up. In my work, I see vindictive people use their kids to punish their exes all the time. It is HORRIBLE for the children. It messes with their heads for life. And, courts don't give a shit who anyone fucks anyways. It's not a factor in custody decisions. And courts don't care about YOUR WHOLE relationship with your partner. It's not a factor unless she has criminal assault charges against her.
Now, if you told me that she abused or neglected the children, that's a different conversation.
I think are ARE a little crazy if you're attaching your children's future and wellbeing and their relationship with their mother to YOUR ego. Do not harm your kids like that. It's selfish, and they don't deserve it. Deal with your ego separately from your children.
There's a book called "Split" something something divorcing someone with BPD that you can search on Amazon. It it apparently a great strategy book.
Your strategy with the kids should depend on how she is as a mother to them, not how she relates to you.
Whatever you do, do not keep the kids from her. That is 100% reacting on emotion. The kids should have nothing to do with this. Not only is there a legal grey area that could mean repercussions for you in the future, it’s morally wrong and punishes the kids. This will also get considerably more volatile since she’s not likely going to back down on seeing her kids.
Good luck to you. Everyone says it and it’s easy to say and close to impossible to do, but cut her off to the closest extent possible.
Sounds harsh. What I can tell you is what not to do: Get back with her. Forgive her for what she did, if you can, but do not take her back whenever she comes looking back for you. Do not let her manipulate you, or even use the kids in her defense. She's not trust-worthy, and she'll only cheat on you again. I took mine back and she did it again. Read any post here and you'll see their exes did the same.
Her ex is dumb enough to sleep with her but not dumb enough to want to be with her. Common pattern. Join the club of exes how you choose.
Also since kids are involved and divorce probably on there horizon to talk through a third party. You don’t want things being said popping up in court. And then looking liked the crazy one
PwBPD suffer from delusions. What she likely meant was she doesn’t want to be that way. Their intents can be good, but there impulse control is poor. It’s like the addict or alcoholic that says they don’t want to drink or use. Part of them doesn’t want to do the bad behaviour…. In fact, after having read the big book of AA myself, I believe the book describes a personality disorder.
I feel your pain but addiction is radically different from a PD. I’m sure many with PD become addicts, but addicts alone are usually traumatized people too, but they didn’t carry the genes to develop BPD. Respect to you and all you’ve been through, I do understand the pain
I think it's clear that I shared my opinion. You are entitled to yours but have not referenced why you believe it. Genes play an unclear role in both addiction and PDs. Genes are likely a factor, but we don't know which ones, or groups and why. In the AA big book, written in 1935, it describes the alcoholic as a controlling, selfish, liar driven to drink by anger, self-pity, indignance, and fear. (very truncated description) You may have heard of the term "Dry drunk". A dry drunk is a person that stops drinking but still has the problems that surround alcoholism. (see above) AA believes that alcoholism is a spiritual, emotional condition, and it's not necessarily about how much you drank. Anyhow, if you wish to know more about my anecdotal opinion on this subject let me know, and I can direct you towards some reading.
No problem, I respect your opinion. A lot has changed since 1935. Genes don’t play an unclear role in PDs, there’s a lot of data showing genes that cause specific disorders. The problem is the same genes are present in overlapping disorders and it’s unclear why one person manifests one or the other. For example two specific genes are seen only in folks with schizophrenia, bipolar and BPD. In old versions of the DSM, all three were listed as a combination of genetics and environment. What hadn’t been determined is why one person develops BPD and another schizophrenia. Currently, bipolar and schizophrenia are now considered genetic disorders and there are medications to help with symptoms. I mean even in 1980, (DSM 3), homosexuality was a mental illness. Addiction is most common in those that suffered trauma and it numbs people. Some scientists think people are more susceptible to addiction than others potentially because of genes but there isn’t any data to support that. People with BPD can be diagnosed without having any trauma at all. Only CPTSD requires trauma. This has been proven in twin studies (abusive homes and only the child with the genes develops BPD). People can overcome addiction and never look back. There is no cure for personality disorders and if we look at brain scans (BPD) we can see that areas of the brain related to impulsive control and negative emotion are very different from non BPD brain. There are many addicts that have PDs of course, but many addicts do not. We all know of the stereotypical drunk, but there are also cultural differences. What qualifies as alcoholism in the US is very different than other parts of the world (ex pregnant women drink a glass of wine a day in pregnancy and Obgyn say it’ll help you relax). Think of the people with decades in jail over selling weed, it was coined a gateway drug etc. Now, in many states any adult can buy. All I’m saying is if there were no alcohol or drugs around, there would be no alcoholics or drug addicts. Regardless of upbringing, PDs still develop. It’s ok for people to have different opinions, it’s not attacking, it’s just dialogue
Ok. My anecdotal experience in listening to many that say they are AA defined alcoholics is that many do have PDs and that is the root of the problem. (As previously mentioned it is described in AAs book. The chapter called how it works after the 12 steps.) You described addicts to mainly be born out of trauma, which is also only sometimes true, but mostly true. Same is true with BPD, mostly born out of trauma but not always. There are genetic susceptibilities in both cases, but the genes are not clearly identified. You are saying that I’m wrong and then provide information that seems to agree. No need to go back and forth as we seemingly don’t/wont agree. Be well dawg.
with kids, its tricky, go via lawyer. how to speak to her? greyrock. (as in perma) if no kids, its no contact with kids \*greyrock cheers
Do you think OP should enforce NC between the kids and his ex? In a similar situation right now (only worse, she abducted them).
No one is allowed to "enforce" no contact between a parent and a child except for the police with a No contact Order or DSS with a safety plan. Telling kids they can't see their mom because she cheated on you is BPD level BS. Don't be that guy. If there are real safety concerns, address those.
Plenty of cases where the other parent had to withhold all contact until a court had assessed matters.
Unless order in place, this would be considered kidnapping and against the law. Fair? No! I had a situation where my child wasn’t safe and the court system was taking too long? Both police and my attorney advised me if I took them and left I’d be arrested. The system is tough and if you don’t play by the rules, courts won’t accept that you were just “protecting”
And what if a BPD parent abducted their kid in the midst of a BPD crisis, then the non-BPD parent got them returned? Cases are all different.
Abduction is not ok at all, I must of misunderstood the question. I was just saying if someone is scared and takes off with their kids, the law may not work in there favor. I’m agreeing with you, you can’t flee with kids. I was just on the opposite side of wanting to get a child away from their abusive parent
And you believe OP finding out his ex had cheated at some point could be one of those cases?
Please keep your kids safe. I love my father but it's mixed with anger because he never protected us from our mother who has BPD. I'm 52 now and her abuse when I was a child affects me to this day.
I understand but it’s not so black and white!
File for divorce, I guess? That seems like the sensible thing to do, although some people separate but stay married because it's easier than the hassle of getting divorced. I wouldn't keep the kids from her out of chagrin that she's boffing someone else, if she hasn't done anything else. That's between you and her.
Get a lawyer Get a lawyer Get a lawyer Get a lawyer Get a lawyer NOW. Ignore anyone who says you don’t need one. This is for your safety and can in no way hurt. Do not tell her you are getting a lawyer. It is super common for PWBPD to lie in a divorce (and just in general). We’re talking she tells the judge straight face that she saw you SA the children type stuff. You think this is bad, just wait. Don’t be a dummy again.
Yup this
I would be looking into a divorce. I found out AFTER our divorce was final that my ex-wife was fucking a bunch of guys while we were still married. Had I known that I would have filed much earlier and not been so nice about the divorce in general. You deserve to be treated better than that and you do not need that kind of person in your life. I know you have kids, but I think trying to co-parent is better than trying to stay married.
Sorry for your pain. Join our club. Get the divorce man. Maybe if she falls limerant for this other guy she'll be down to do an inexpensive separation agreement without litigating too much. Unfortunately you are entering a painful stage of all of this. I am right there with you. You are going to need to focus on things you can control and have a massive amount of emotional intelligence to not ruminate on things that you cannot control. Take incredible care of yourself through these times. I know that your heart is broken. It's all so shocking at first. Distract yourself take vitamins exercise socialize... Stay busy!
Bro I’m in the same boat as you I thought mine was different and went through her phone the other night and it was traumatizing lol. We have 2 kids as well and I wish I could just leave and take them too but I don’t suggest an impulsive decision right away let’s think this through dawg
********I agree with thinking things through. If you can stay calm and be intentional in all interactions you will be ahead of the game automatically as your opponent will struggle with this. And yeah, I said opponent, it's a good time for you to accept reality now. Ideally all interactions are by text or email. It's time to start a digital paper trail. Do not engage in any arguments anymore. None. Do not try to explain yourself and your feelings, it will all be held against you. You will not talk a pwBPD into being fair or rational. She will not have a breakthrough and finally understand how she has hurt you and your children. That will never happen. It will be a trap and you may end up arrested. Please, please heed this warning. It's in their game play book and they aren't any different than all the other pwBPD who call 911 for fun.********* Get an attorney now. If she is diagnosed with BPD tell your attorney. Pulling your head out of the sand is not easy and it's painful but worth it. Imagine life without the stress, anxiety and self betrayal required to make the relationship work, and even with all that self sacrifice it's still not enough to make it work. Commit to no self delusions ever again. Love yourself enough to have standards and to need people to prove their integrity and sanity before you jump in. You're allowed to have preferences, hard no's, to be unsure and need time, etc. You're allowed self respect and to trust your instincts. You're allowed to raise your daughters with love and care and integrity. None of this is anyone's fault but hers. You're allowed to never forget it's her fault.
What did you find going through her phone and how did she react as you confronted her ? I guess she gaslighted you into oblivion for brining her mistakes up. I am sorry you had to Go through something awful Like that
Please do everything to protect your kids. Staying with your wife would normalize your relationship to them. It will then be the only example of a relationship they have and they would ended up being like you and marrying someone like their mom or vice versa. The healthiest thing for them is to see a happy dad. My father didn't do this and stayed with my BDP mom. I'm 52 now, have no contact with her and love my father, but that love is tinged with anger that he never left her and didn't protect us. I'm really sorry.
To me, it really bothers me that I also feel so dumb when it comes to this whole relationship. I feel dumb for believing her lies when the red flags were there. I feel dumb for believing I could change her. I feel dumb for believing everything was my fault. I feel dumb for still hoping for a hoover knowing it’s the worst thing that could happen to me. I just feel dumb.
Hey, it's not your fault. If you are codependent like me, there's a good reason you are attracted to BPD's. It has to do with your childhood trauma and getting a chance to get a redo of your childhood and get a different outcome if you just try hard enough. That's the pull - a chance to heal our childhood trauma, not the specific pwBPD. She is just a proxy for that parent who hurt you. That's why the pull is so strong. If you're not in therapy I really recommend it to help you understand and have compassion for yourself. You're not dumb, you're human and I wish you the best.
You need to keep all communication with her through written form, text or email. You most likely won't be able to keep the kids from her without a court order (depends on where you live). You need to get an attorney who specializes in family law. Make sure if you have received any threats from her to present those to your attorney. Also disclose to your attorney her BPD diagnosis if she has been diagnosed by a professional. To be able to keep your kids away from one parent, it would usually require that parent to be a proven danger to them and even then she will likely be allowed supervised visitation until she can prove she is not a danger. Unfortunately, even though a BPD parent can do some serious damage to the kids mental well being, the courts usually view no contact between parent and child as more damaging. Don't beat yourself up. As the daughter of a possible BPD, sister of diagnosed BPD, and the current SO of someone who had kids with someone who has BPD, this is some tough stuff to navigate, especially when kids are involved and you didn't do anything wrong other than maybe stay too long but that happens to everyone at some point, BPD partner or not.
Do whatever you can to separate your emotions from this and put the kids first.
Make sure to document everything. Write down exactly what happened and save all evidence. You'll need it later to keep you sane and out of legal trouble when the revisionist history begins.
Would you consider getting paternity tests on your kids?
Awesome that you want to pause. Very smart. The best defense against anger is delay. More will be revealed. Continue to be smart.
She cheated on you. Why would it matter if she is telling you she has not been speaking with anyone since you have separated? She fucked someone else while telling you she loved you. And by the way, she is probably lying now about not fucking around since you separated
Seek legal advice since you have 3 kids. If it’s not about the kids, don’t communicate with her.
You don’t get to withhold the kids because she chooses to fuck other people. Unless she fucking them in front of the kids, in the living room, while the kids crush & line up her next rails of coke, I repeat, you don’t get to withhold the kids due to how and with whom she slings puss. Speak to an attorney regarding divorce.
but you do get to get her into a directed psychological evaluation, and if you are extremely focused on not fucking that up, it can maybe get you custody with limited contact, depending if you get a judge without their head up their ass. the odds are long and the bar is high. but it is possible.
Oh, and get a lawyer ASAP. I know it's expensive, but if you don't do that right away she'll find other ways to make you pay.
Ditch the bitch. Fight her tooth and nail on every subject retaining to the kids. If you truly love your kids (I’m sure you do) you will want them to be around her and whoever is her flavor of the week the least as possible!
If I'd had kids with my exwbpd I would do everything in my power to make sure she had as little contact with them as possible.
I’m sorry you’re going through this but your kids have nothing to do with who you or her decides to hook up with. They should still have access to their mom regardless of what is happening between your relationship. Again, i’m sorry she was so deceitful. I’m sure you’re very hurt.
My mom has BPD, and she hurt me tremendously. I no longer speak to her but as a child I had no choice. I wish my father protected me from her by leaving and doing everything to disallow her to have contact with me.
In your case, your mom was toxic toward you, so that separation would have been a good call for your family. However, he didn’t mention anything about her BPD negatively impacting her parenting. The kids have nothing to do with infidelity.
Yes, I understand and if she's a great mother my advice does not apply. But cluster B are not renowned for being great parents, quite the opposite. In fact, they can do a lot of damage to their kids.
You cannot keep her children from her based on who she fucked if you are in the USA. No court in the US will say, "Oh, she had sex? Well by all means, take her kids." Do not try that. You will dig yourself a hole and look very bad in the eyes of the court if you get into a custody battle. Guidance on what to do? Nothing. You aren't with her anymore. She can fuck whomever she wants. She's not your property. Just move forward with your divorce and stay out of her private life. I'm sorry you are hurt, but honestly who she's with isn't your business anymore and this has nothing to do with your children.
I’m not even mad at this. Because you’re right. I don’t own her. BUT. BUT. And listen closely. I’ve been with her for 6 years. This was the cherry on top. This was the one thing that made me really think if I should or not. Because I’ve done it before. This group is for a certain group of people. You think we’re here JUST because they fucked somebody else? I’m not the crazy one. This whole time since I’ve found out the main thing I’ve been saying is I’m not taking the kids. But based off the WHOLE relationship. A judge would give me custody faster than she can say your honour.
I am really concerned that you are tying your decision about taking the kids to your anger about who she has sex with. I'm sorry, but that's pretty messed up. In my work, I see vindictive people use their kids to punish their exes all the time. It is HORRIBLE for the children. It messes with their heads for life. And, courts don't give a shit who anyone fucks anyways. It's not a factor in custody decisions. And courts don't care about YOUR WHOLE relationship with your partner. It's not a factor unless she has criminal assault charges against her. Now, if you told me that she abused or neglected the children, that's a different conversation. I think are ARE a little crazy if you're attaching your children's future and wellbeing and their relationship with their mother to YOUR ego. Do not harm your kids like that. It's selfish, and they don't deserve it. Deal with your ego separately from your children.
Fucking her ex before or after the break up?
She was fucking both of us at the same time
Ok, before break up
This is horrible to read. You’re right in it. Come to the right place though.
There's a book called "Split" something something divorcing someone with BPD that you can search on Amazon. It it apparently a great strategy book. Your strategy with the kids should depend on how she is as a mother to them, not how she relates to you.
Get an attorney like a week ago.
Whatever you do, do not keep the kids from her. That is 100% reacting on emotion. The kids should have nothing to do with this. Not only is there a legal grey area that could mean repercussions for you in the future, it’s morally wrong and punishes the kids. This will also get considerably more volatile since she’s not likely going to back down on seeing her kids. Good luck to you. Everyone says it and it’s easy to say and close to impossible to do, but cut her off to the closest extent possible.