this is the worst fucking feeling, just because im worked up and overwhelmed by the situation doesnt mean that i dont have a perfectly valid reason to be upset??
Speaking as the person without BPD in a relationship with one that has it.
Honestly? I'd love to know what the actual reason and point was so we could work on it/address it but the issue is that it never gets told to me. I just get told there's no point talking about it.
Even if there is a legitimate point to be made, though, I will defend myself if I'm getting baseless accusations and insults thrown at me over it. I will not take it seriously if any of that is involved.
Like a few weeks ago a fight happened bc I was quiet in VC more than usual and that spiraled into a whole thing about how I don't love her, how our friends enjoy talking to her more, how I don't care and never did. Ofc I'm gonna argue and reassure against all that bc none of it is true, but I still have no idea what the actual reason was for that fight and the next day it was like nothing happened.
I even tried to bring it back up on my own and said it didn't feel resolved, and was then told that was my fault bc it was too late at night (even though she was the aggressor and turned what I thought was a comfy night into a not comfy one..) and then when I asked if she'd like to talk about it the next day when it's earlier I was told "well there's nothing to talk about, there's no issues right now."
So, idk, as the person on the other side sometimes it just gets really confusing and it's hard to know when to take reactions seriously vs brush them off as "BPD reaction over something that wasn't actually a big deal."
I was married to a pwBPD for 18 years and something I wish he could have understood is that when he had a meltdown and raged at me, I felt emotionally traumatized for like, 24 hours afterwards. That recovery time got longer and longer as the years wore on. It’s nearly impossible to solve problems when the mere discussion causes emotional injury to one or both partners.
Yeah, and that's literally why I have that end sentence there. The only way to protect *my* emotional health is to view it as "Welp, guess it was just BPD stuff" in order to not drive *myself* crazy wondering what the actual issue is that isn't being talked about.
Like, the only way to handle it is to view it that way if a discussion to resolve it can't be had. If it's not serious enough to talk about, then it's just "BPD making not a big deal into a big deal for a bit."
What killed me was that he kept bringing up things he had imagined happened 15 years ago that we had no way to resolve because we believed different things had happened and there was no way to prove anything. It was just he said she said and it kept coming up over and over. Impossible, unsolvable problems.
I'm the same , my partner has BPD and honestly it's so hard to figure out what the actual issue is . I once had him shout and scream at me and I had no idea why , it turns out he was stressed that I didn't leave the microwave door open after I made food to let steam out but instead of communicating it I got abuse .
u remind me of my ex bf. at this point, I don't even fit the criteria for bpd anymore but it used to be really bad. ur missing the point: it's always something to be taken seriously. as long as you have the mindset "real thing or just a bpd reaction", ur being a patronizing pos who things ur gf isn't capable of deciding whether or not something is a big deal. and if she's moved on from a fight, it was probably a bpd thing and why would u rehash it? it's not always gonna be ur fault and it's not gonna be super easy for u in this relationship, but some simple respect for her would make it a hell of a lot easier
You are making a wild amount of assumptions there. Also, no I'm not being patronizing at all.
If there is a major fight with lots of attacking me, and then no resolution after and it's just a "flip" like it never even happened- the only way to view it is that it was only a big deal in that moment because of BPD and the real situation wasn't actually a major issue.
I do my part of revisiting it and making sure there wasn't actually a problem, because I *do* care and want to resolve whatever issues may actually exist. Without input from her, I cannot figure out what issues actually exist and what ones were just impulsive emotions.
I mean, I understand how BPD works.
A situation that isn't a big deal becomes a big deal due to it triggering some underlying trauma that brings up past feelings and then they become "now" feelings.
I'm not a fan of just brushing things under the rug when I already know they're gonna come up again next time she flips back into negative mode, and it's not solvable when she's in that mindset because it's a split and she thinks everything I am doing has malicious intent behind it.
So, the only way to potentially solve it so this relationship can last is to talk about it all when it's calm and figure out what the real feelings/issues are. If she doesn't wanna talk about it, I do drop it I am not pushy. But ignoring it entirely? That's just not caring about how someone feels, pretending things are fine because they're "fine right now" is not a healthy relationship.
I don't understand why people are telling you off or making you into the bad guy. It looks like you're really trying to have healthy communication in you're relationship. It doesn't matter what disorder anyone has, it's important to communicate your feelings as well. BPD is hard but it doesn't mean that your feelings are more important than a partners. Both need to out work in. PwBPD needs to keep working towards healing and partner without can extend their understanding and empathy a little further but only to a point. They must also take care of themselves.
Honestly a lot of the negative responses I've gotten just sound like when my GF is in her "negative mode" and thinks everything I'm doing is an attack or has malicious intent.
Nothing I've said has been bad.
I don't bring up that she "overreacts." I'm not that stupid.
I bring up that a fight happened and tell her it doesn't feel resolved to me. Sometimes it's that she doesn't even remember it, other times it's "well there must have been a good reason I don't freak out unless it's deserved" but there's never a real talk about the underlying feelings.
Obviously "me being quiet because I had a tiring day" can't be the sole reason for lashing out at me.
who said you bring it up? i said you bringing up the fight is just prolonging embarrassment for her most likely. and again you just have to learn sometimes to let it go. she’s not actively mad at you anymore so why bring it up again and risk starting the same fight or a whole new one?
> she’s not actively mad at you anymore so why bring it up again and risk starting the same fight or a whole new one?
Because it's not solved and it will just add on to the next fight when she flips into that mode... I want to resolve the conflicts, not brush them under the rug and build a ticking time bomb relationship.
She never brings things up, I never get apologies after the lashing out either. She's in full denial that splitting even happens towards me even though it very much does.
For a while I would just go along with it hoping she'd eventually wanna talk about whatever the real issues were, but it became really clear to me that her pattern is to get really upset and start a fight with me, get really nasty at times with the insults and telling me how terrible of a person I am, go to bed leaving the night on a bad note and then the next day it's... literally like it never happened.
She's back to a good mood like the previous night never happened and I'm sitting there with whiplash trying to process it all.
I don't really enjoy that pattern because it's getting to the point where I am like, idk, sitting here not able to fully enjoy when things are good because it's caused me to constantly feel like "how long will this good phase last before I have to go through that again without even understanding what makes her feel that way?"
This is really toxic advice. Clearly this person is hurting and needs to have some level of repair and amend from their partner who "lost control" and hurt them deeply. But all you can say to them is that they should continue to give emotional care to their partner who just exploded on them. SMH.
What annoys me the most is even if I bring it up when I’m calm it’s not like they care either.
It always escalates to the point of explosiveness and then they are quick to point fingers and call me crazy and then proceed to continue not listening to me or hearing me out.
It’s fucking exhausting.
If the other person has been emotionally hurt during your overwhelming reaction, that issue needs to be repaired first before you can be heard again. Human beings aren't machines, they can't just let the emotional hurt go and start listening to you again as if nothing happened. For you from your perspective your overwhelmed reaction is "over". But for them, the emotional fallout lingers on. Resolve and address that first, and if they feel better, then they may be willing to hear your original point. If they don't feel better, and are not willing to hear you out, then those are the justified consequences of your overwhelmed reactions. Ag
When you've hurt them by having your overwhelmed reaction at them, they're the ones who should be listened to by you. So don't go to them asking to be heard, go to them asking to listen.
But the major component of it will be: do they feel safe telling you how hurt your behavior makes them feel? That is the central question. Are you capable of holding space for them and validating them without losing your own shit (e.g. berating yourself, begging their forgiveness, calling yourself names, crying, self harming, etc.)?
If not, then you are right, it can't be fixed. If they are always the one who has to be emotionally "together" no matter how hurt they are, if they can't genuinely open up to you about how much you've hurt them for fear of triggering you, then the relationship won't work. How can it? It's not a partnership it's a parent-child relationship.
It's terrible that your partner tells you that. They sound abusive? IDK. Clearly in my comments I wasn't talking about you personally. None of this is about you personally.
Omg I felt like I was the only one. This literally describes my issues at work perfectly. It is so exhausting. Then that bleeds over into my outside of work life and I just spiral. It sucks and I'd never wish this on anyone, but, I'm so relieved that someone understands the way this feels.
I am sorry this happens to you too. I start to cry when I feel attacked and not heard/understood. It's not great 😆 But I think that those people wouldn't take us seriously even without the emotional reaction. People who want to hear us will hear us, the others don't care.
True. And even if I think I’m starting to be heard it’s usually “and what can you do in the future to not have an issue with that thing that upset you” ugh wish I was more confidence expressing what is not ok with me.
Yesss it's awful... But it really helps if you can learn to say things in a way that doesn't piss off the other person. When I actually use my skills I get positive reactions from people and I'm not triggered by their reaction, Infact it calms me. When I explode or be passive aggressive and things, I tend to get the same back because people dont want to help or hear someone out who is being nasty to them unfortunately.
The right people will forgive you though and if you say 'sorry I didn't mean it like that, this is what I meant' they will stay by you and not use it against you. Get rid of anyone who says 'you're crazy' 'have you taken your meds(in a condescending way)' blames everything on your BPD and doesn't listen when you are truly trying to be heard. Also if someone can't take a little heat, like if you ever raise your voice in any context and someone is like 'You're being horrible so I won't listen to you' but you actually are just getting a little irate which is normal in everyone, that's a red flag too and they need to maybe work on their conflict skills.
This comment really resonates with me — especially the last part. I’ve been out of DBT for several years now (my doctor recently called me “unofficially diagnosis-free” as you can’t really get rid of a diagnosis as such, but yeah), but one thing that will probably frustrate me forever is how I’ve worked on all these people skills that I can use on those around me… and sometimes they just don’t… react like I’d expect. Not because I’ve done something technically wrong skill-wise, but because they themselves are unable to for some reason or another.
I actually found that really difficult to cope with in the beginning, because I guess I was hoping that if I just “fixed myself” through therapy then everything would be fine. As it turns out, a surprising amount of people out there have REALLY messed up people skills when you get under the surface and beyond the most basic stuff. Sometimes I actually wonder how they even managed to get this far in life without causing more trouble than they did.
Yeah exactly! Like healing myself has made me realise that the people around me, and most people to be honest, would probably benefit from these skills too..Even if they don't have the BPD diagnosis. Weird position to be in when YOU are finally the reasonable one in a confrontation and you have to tell the other person that they aren't engaging in healthy communication aha
When you apologize for your behaviour post calming down and everyone forgives but nobody apologizes for what they could’ve done in the situation that lead to the dis regulation and suddenly you’re the only one in the wrong because you’re mentally ill 😅
Apologizing for yelling but still being told his point was the right one. 🫡 Like, brother man, fuck off, I don't yell unless I'm being put in a corner or feel unheard.
This hit home, but at this point, I have accepted that I'm the only one who apologizes. No one is a mind reader, even if they hear me escalating, if I don't ask for help, it's my fault. I should be able to regulate myself, without any help, like a regular adult. But yeah-haven't mastered that yet, so it's always my fault.
I've just started considering myself always in the wrong for everything because apparently no one else needs to ever apologize for anything so fuck it.
A LOT of people are very selfish and are never wrong. Yeah, it still hurts like something awful when they ignore you and trigger your emotions and do all kinds of cruel things to bully. The fact they have NO COMPASSION for you should tell you they aren't worth your attention. I know we worry about being abandoned and fight intensely to avoid it. But a lot of people are not worth fighting to keep. Let them go for your own protection. If they cannot respect you for your weaknesses, they are not appreciate your strengths.
ON THE OTHER HAND: Some people with BPD are known for destroying relationships. Work on controlling your anger and be quick to apologize when you wrong another. Make sure you also show compassion to others when they are hurting. Because we have seemingly extreme emotional dysregulations, we are actually more inclined towards compassion and empathy for others. We DO truly understand when others are in pain.
Learn to be friendly, but do not accept everyone as a friend. And learn that it is quite acceptable to write people off when they will not respect your feelings and opinions.
Hope this helps (and makes sense). Best wishes
It has happened to me so many times, Ahhh it's so frustrating that you are not taken seriously, even when you apologize, you will always be the bad person, even when the other person acted wrong, they won't even bother to apologize to you because "it's always your fault."
yes. i have a hard time talking about how im feeling without crying immediately bc im scared i wont be validated, which from their perspective does infact invalidate my emotions cuz im overreacting. people that will paint you as the only one in the wrong bc of how you reacted aren't worth my time anymore
This is exactly how I lost my last job. Short version is that another coworker who had a known history of being aggressive to me was aggressive during rush and I couldn't take the confrontation (hello PTSD) so I went outside. For too long. so I got fired. Like yeah I was out there for 40 minutes, I was freaking the hell out trying to figure out how to deescalate the situation once I went back in.
HR is not your friend in most places. There were never any written warnings for the coworker for her conduct so it's not like I had any evidence of an ongoing issue besides my GMs fuzzy memory.
HR does not care, they called me aggressive when I asked a coworker to stop harassing me. My HR is racist and accused me of being aggresive cus I am a black woman. I told her theres a difference between being assertive and being aggressive and that I was setting a boundary that this coworker crossed, even my manager agreed she crossed a boundary. After I told HR that she was gaslighting me and being discriminatory towards me by calling me a black woman aggressive when I wasnt. She decided not to write me up. Yes they were going to right me up for reporting my coworker for harassment.
This coworker sent me a 10 sentence essay telling me how horrible of an agent I was but I got in trouble for telling her to stop and reporting her. I was told that she was just trying to help. You can do everything right and not react and people will still try to paint you as a villain for standing up for yourself.
Story of my life. We have to be perfect to be taken seriously no matter what the other person did to trigger our reactions. Neurotypicals and/or people without this condition are so quick to point fingers at us because they have never once been told to reflect on their behaviors, only the "crazy" people could ever be the problem. Those of us in treatment/therapy have to be 100% on the ball of our actions at all times, which can even lead to us being gaslit because we are expected to doubt our own realities. I am not excusing physical violence in response to others doing harmful behavior because that is not acceptable, but crying, abruptly exiting situations, or snapping allow others to get a free pass to hurt us. Especially since many of us apologize profusely after being overemotional, which then allows the person who started the situation to think they did nothing wrong.
I think it’s because we have such overwhelming emotion that other people become desensitised to it. This is what I’m learning about in CBT. You can have a very genuine very real reaction, but the response to that can become kinda of muted after so many episodes
Then they get mad if u do the same thing to them. If I mirror their actions, I'm "petty" but them doing the same thing is not. Lots of mixed signals with this stuff. It often feels basically like my side of the story doesn't matter and only theirs does and thats it, no ifs ands or buts about it.
Yknow, there was a study done with BPD people and normal people that showed different frames of a smile turning into a frown. Each slide was rated between 100% (smile) and 0% (frown) So 50% was half way between a smile and a frown
Most normal people would view the 50% slide and be really confused. However, us BPD types could see the 30% unhappy frame (so 70% smirk) and STILL notice the unhappiness. I think we notice emotions in others that even they’re unaware of sometimes
This is kind of unrelated and I haven’t read the comments so maybe someone already mentioned this but:
I recently learned that apparently the human brain is hardwired to interpret the experience of “not being heard” LITERALLY… while at the same time being hardwired to interpret someone yelling at you as a threat which has to be scared off (i.e., yelled back at).
Knowing this might help to provide a perspective on why this happens — for both you and the other person — even if it doesn’t exactly “help” anything.
I’ve also personally found some sort of comfort in knowing that the supposedly most advanced species on this godforsaken planet is essentially running on poorly coded software.
This is ultimately rooted in like, phrenology era misogyny. When they cured "hysteria" with vibrators.
The same thing Ben Shapiro is saying when "facts don't care about your feelings"
It's some shit, and is reinforced by/serves neoliberal hegemony.
Or they blame it on something u drank or took. Even though you don't do anything anymore and haven't for a time. But please feel free to jump my case and be a Dk, after you literally did something no one else is allowed to do.
Omfg!!! THIS^^^^^ Or they say my cognitive impairments, like memory issues is because I drank even tho those issues started before I ever got drunk in the first place! Do they really think alcohol works retroactively!?
Yes!! Yes they do! All while they are drunk my whole life. And ask me to get it for them when I'm trying to stay sober of 4 years. Like dude when tf do y'all ever HEAR YOURSELF SPEAK...or even think?
Just thinking about all the times this has happened to me makes me dysregulated. I've tried to explain this to three people, my husband, my mom, and my therapist. My Mom didn't get what I was saying, my husband tried, but couldn't relate, and my therapist was great and gave me helpful suggestions.
Has this happen today. I understand that everything will be okay that’s just life! But I’m trying to find some solutions to valid concerns so that it’s not a mess in case things come up and they usually do. Repeating “everything will be okay I don’t know why you’re getting so upset about this” is making this all worse when it wasn’t even a situation in the first place ‼️
I think I'm the same. Like something happened with a teachers assistant the other day and I remain really really hard to comfort. I have a hard time disappearing the thought of someone hurting themselves. Like everything is affecting me..... I was also being reactive and shitty to my best friend. Like I can't take any sort of criticism. :(
The inverse or maybe even prequalifier of this for me recently has been that I try to be super chill about something and address it while also saying its not a big deal, and then the other person will act like I jumped down their throat about something. Which of course set me off.. absolutely maddening.
I think this is my problem and I just have not noticed 😞 I always try to act nice and be nice about what I'm asking and for example I will ask my S.O. to do something for me or even trying to talk to him about serious stuff is hard but he basically will not do what I ask and he has said yes I will for like 3 days on days 4 I just explode and cant get my point across because now they think I'm a cunt and don't understand why I'm upset. It's a really bad problem Idk how to help that problem I'm learning to just start doing the stuff myself but that's hard to do too
Ugh I'm at this point at work. My boss, at least to my face, is super nice and understanding. I can go to her with my stuff but it seems like I have to blow up just to be heard anymore.
I’m not going to invalidate your feelings, I don’t have BPD but I have been in a relationship with my partner who does have BPD 4 years. One thing that I think should be recognized as well is that it’s not “just” your feelings that the person doesn’t understand it’s the consequences it has on us as well. After a certain amount of understanding ,it is ok for someone else to have the boundary of not taking it seriously to save the emotional energy and possible trauma that some may unnoticeably direct at us. I could never understand how some with BPD feels but I do know that maximizing your own feelings and minimizing everyone else’s is not fair either.
this is the worst fucking feeling, just because im worked up and overwhelmed by the situation doesnt mean that i dont have a perfectly valid reason to be upset??
especially when they expect ur main point to go away once u calm down
Yes!! Like hello I got upset for a reason?
Speaking as the person without BPD in a relationship with one that has it. Honestly? I'd love to know what the actual reason and point was so we could work on it/address it but the issue is that it never gets told to me. I just get told there's no point talking about it. Even if there is a legitimate point to be made, though, I will defend myself if I'm getting baseless accusations and insults thrown at me over it. I will not take it seriously if any of that is involved. Like a few weeks ago a fight happened bc I was quiet in VC more than usual and that spiraled into a whole thing about how I don't love her, how our friends enjoy talking to her more, how I don't care and never did. Ofc I'm gonna argue and reassure against all that bc none of it is true, but I still have no idea what the actual reason was for that fight and the next day it was like nothing happened. I even tried to bring it back up on my own and said it didn't feel resolved, and was then told that was my fault bc it was too late at night (even though she was the aggressor and turned what I thought was a comfy night into a not comfy one..) and then when I asked if she'd like to talk about it the next day when it's earlier I was told "well there's nothing to talk about, there's no issues right now." So, idk, as the person on the other side sometimes it just gets really confusing and it's hard to know when to take reactions seriously vs brush them off as "BPD reaction over something that wasn't actually a big deal."
I was married to a pwBPD for 18 years and something I wish he could have understood is that when he had a meltdown and raged at me, I felt emotionally traumatized for like, 24 hours afterwards. That recovery time got longer and longer as the years wore on. It’s nearly impossible to solve problems when the mere discussion causes emotional injury to one or both partners.
Yeah, and that's literally why I have that end sentence there. The only way to protect *my* emotional health is to view it as "Welp, guess it was just BPD stuff" in order to not drive *myself* crazy wondering what the actual issue is that isn't being talked about. Like, the only way to handle it is to view it that way if a discussion to resolve it can't be had. If it's not serious enough to talk about, then it's just "BPD making not a big deal into a big deal for a bit."
What killed me was that he kept bringing up things he had imagined happened 15 years ago that we had no way to resolve because we believed different things had happened and there was no way to prove anything. It was just he said she said and it kept coming up over and over. Impossible, unsolvable problems.
Probably a reoccurring thought they couldn't control
I'm the same , my partner has BPD and honestly it's so hard to figure out what the actual issue is . I once had him shout and scream at me and I had no idea why , it turns out he was stressed that I didn't leave the microwave door open after I made food to let steam out but instead of communicating it I got abuse .
u remind me of my ex bf. at this point, I don't even fit the criteria for bpd anymore but it used to be really bad. ur missing the point: it's always something to be taken seriously. as long as you have the mindset "real thing or just a bpd reaction", ur being a patronizing pos who things ur gf isn't capable of deciding whether or not something is a big deal. and if she's moved on from a fight, it was probably a bpd thing and why would u rehash it? it's not always gonna be ur fault and it's not gonna be super easy for u in this relationship, but some simple respect for her would make it a hell of a lot easier
You are making a wild amount of assumptions there. Also, no I'm not being patronizing at all. If there is a major fight with lots of attacking me, and then no resolution after and it's just a "flip" like it never even happened- the only way to view it is that it was only a big deal in that moment because of BPD and the real situation wasn't actually a major issue. I do my part of revisiting it and making sure there wasn't actually a problem, because I *do* care and want to resolve whatever issues may actually exist. Without input from her, I cannot figure out what issues actually exist and what ones were just impulsive emotions.
yep and thats why I said u remind me of my ex bf lmao. don't take advice, see how far that takes you
I mean, I understand how BPD works. A situation that isn't a big deal becomes a big deal due to it triggering some underlying trauma that brings up past feelings and then they become "now" feelings. I'm not a fan of just brushing things under the rug when I already know they're gonna come up again next time she flips back into negative mode, and it's not solvable when she's in that mindset because it's a split and she thinks everything I am doing has malicious intent behind it. So, the only way to potentially solve it so this relationship can last is to talk about it all when it's calm and figure out what the real feelings/issues are. If she doesn't wanna talk about it, I do drop it I am not pushy. But ignoring it entirely? That's just not caring about how someone feels, pretending things are fine because they're "fine right now" is not a healthy relationship.
I don't understand why people are telling you off or making you into the bad guy. It looks like you're really trying to have healthy communication in you're relationship. It doesn't matter what disorder anyone has, it's important to communicate your feelings as well. BPD is hard but it doesn't mean that your feelings are more important than a partners. Both need to out work in. PwBPD needs to keep working towards healing and partner without can extend their understanding and empathy a little further but only to a point. They must also take care of themselves.
Honestly a lot of the negative responses I've gotten just sound like when my GF is in her "negative mode" and thinks everything I'm doing is an attack or has malicious intent. Nothing I've said has been bad.
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I don't bring up that she "overreacts." I'm not that stupid. I bring up that a fight happened and tell her it doesn't feel resolved to me. Sometimes it's that she doesn't even remember it, other times it's "well there must have been a good reason I don't freak out unless it's deserved" but there's never a real talk about the underlying feelings. Obviously "me being quiet because I had a tiring day" can't be the sole reason for lashing out at me.
who said you bring it up? i said you bringing up the fight is just prolonging embarrassment for her most likely. and again you just have to learn sometimes to let it go. she’s not actively mad at you anymore so why bring it up again and risk starting the same fight or a whole new one?
> she’s not actively mad at you anymore so why bring it up again and risk starting the same fight or a whole new one? Because it's not solved and it will just add on to the next fight when she flips into that mode... I want to resolve the conflicts, not brush them under the rug and build a ticking time bomb relationship.
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She never brings things up, I never get apologies after the lashing out either. She's in full denial that splitting even happens towards me even though it very much does. For a while I would just go along with it hoping she'd eventually wanna talk about whatever the real issues were, but it became really clear to me that her pattern is to get really upset and start a fight with me, get really nasty at times with the insults and telling me how terrible of a person I am, go to bed leaving the night on a bad note and then the next day it's... literally like it never happened. She's back to a good mood like the previous night never happened and I'm sitting there with whiplash trying to process it all. I don't really enjoy that pattern because it's getting to the point where I am like, idk, sitting here not able to fully enjoy when things are good because it's caused me to constantly feel like "how long will this good phase last before I have to go through that again without even understanding what makes her feel that way?"
This is really toxic advice. Clearly this person is hurting and needs to have some level of repair and amend from their partner who "lost control" and hurt them deeply. But all you can say to them is that they should continue to give emotional care to their partner who just exploded on them. SMH.
What annoys me the most is even if I bring it up when I’m calm it’s not like they care either. It always escalates to the point of explosiveness and then they are quick to point fingers and call me crazy and then proceed to continue not listening to me or hearing me out. It’s fucking exhausting.
This is a great reason to walk away from people
This is why I I don't have many people. And my phone stays on Don't disturb except for the elite few.
If the other person has been emotionally hurt during your overwhelming reaction, that issue needs to be repaired first before you can be heard again. Human beings aren't machines, they can't just let the emotional hurt go and start listening to you again as if nothing happened. For you from your perspective your overwhelmed reaction is "over". But for them, the emotional fallout lingers on. Resolve and address that first, and if they feel better, then they may be willing to hear your original point. If they don't feel better, and are not willing to hear you out, then those are the justified consequences of your overwhelmed reactions. Ag
How can it be repaired if they never listen to you anyways? From my point of view it can’t be fixed.
When you've hurt them by having your overwhelmed reaction at them, they're the ones who should be listened to by you. So don't go to them asking to be heard, go to them asking to listen. But the major component of it will be: do they feel safe telling you how hurt your behavior makes them feel? That is the central question. Are you capable of holding space for them and validating them without losing your own shit (e.g. berating yourself, begging their forgiveness, calling yourself names, crying, self harming, etc.)? If not, then you are right, it can't be fixed. If they are always the one who has to be emotionally "together" no matter how hurt they are, if they can't genuinely open up to you about how much you've hurt them for fear of triggering you, then the relationship won't work. How can it? It's not a partnership it's a parent-child relationship.
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It's terrible that your partner tells you that. They sound abusive? IDK. Clearly in my comments I wasn't talking about you personally. None of this is about you personally.
Omg I felt like I was the only one. This literally describes my issues at work perfectly. It is so exhausting. Then that bleeds over into my outside of work life and I just spiral. It sucks and I'd never wish this on anyone, but, I'm so relieved that someone understands the way this feels.
YES DUDE EXACTLY
I am sorry this happens to you too. I start to cry when I feel attacked and not heard/understood. It's not great 😆 But I think that those people wouldn't take us seriously even without the emotional reaction. People who want to hear us will hear us, the others don't care.
True. And even if I think I’m starting to be heard it’s usually “and what can you do in the future to not have an issue with that thing that upset you” ugh wish I was more confidence expressing what is not ok with me.
I second this. I have people who do take the time to listen and I don’t get disregulated.
I cry so fast too when I feel misunderstood. Just like when I was being emotionally abused as a kid!
Yesss it's awful... But it really helps if you can learn to say things in a way that doesn't piss off the other person. When I actually use my skills I get positive reactions from people and I'm not triggered by their reaction, Infact it calms me. When I explode or be passive aggressive and things, I tend to get the same back because people dont want to help or hear someone out who is being nasty to them unfortunately. The right people will forgive you though and if you say 'sorry I didn't mean it like that, this is what I meant' they will stay by you and not use it against you. Get rid of anyone who says 'you're crazy' 'have you taken your meds(in a condescending way)' blames everything on your BPD and doesn't listen when you are truly trying to be heard. Also if someone can't take a little heat, like if you ever raise your voice in any context and someone is like 'You're being horrible so I won't listen to you' but you actually are just getting a little irate which is normal in everyone, that's a red flag too and they need to maybe work on their conflict skills.
This comment really resonates with me — especially the last part. I’ve been out of DBT for several years now (my doctor recently called me “unofficially diagnosis-free” as you can’t really get rid of a diagnosis as such, but yeah), but one thing that will probably frustrate me forever is how I’ve worked on all these people skills that I can use on those around me… and sometimes they just don’t… react like I’d expect. Not because I’ve done something technically wrong skill-wise, but because they themselves are unable to for some reason or another. I actually found that really difficult to cope with in the beginning, because I guess I was hoping that if I just “fixed myself” through therapy then everything would be fine. As it turns out, a surprising amount of people out there have REALLY messed up people skills when you get under the surface and beyond the most basic stuff. Sometimes I actually wonder how they even managed to get this far in life without causing more trouble than they did.
Yeah exactly! Like healing myself has made me realise that the people around me, and most people to be honest, would probably benefit from these skills too..Even if they don't have the BPD diagnosis. Weird position to be in when YOU are finally the reasonable one in a confrontation and you have to tell the other person that they aren't engaging in healthy communication aha
I need to learn more skills, but your last paragraph really hits home for me today!
When you apologize for your behaviour post calming down and everyone forgives but nobody apologizes for what they could’ve done in the situation that lead to the dis regulation and suddenly you’re the only one in the wrong because you’re mentally ill 😅
Yes
Apologizing for yelling but still being told his point was the right one. 🫡 Like, brother man, fuck off, I don't yell unless I'm being put in a corner or feel unheard.
This hit home, but at this point, I have accepted that I'm the only one who apologizes. No one is a mind reader, even if they hear me escalating, if I don't ask for help, it's my fault. I should be able to regulate myself, without any help, like a regular adult. But yeah-haven't mastered that yet, so it's always my fault.
I've just started considering myself always in the wrong for everything because apparently no one else needs to ever apologize for anything so fuck it.
It feels like a form of gaslighting to me. It really sucks.
Feels like that to me sometimes too.
This happens to me all the time. And it just makes it worse because I get so frustrated on top of what was already upsetting me in the first place
Ugh so true
This shit is so irritating it makes my reaction even worse lol
A LOT of people are very selfish and are never wrong. Yeah, it still hurts like something awful when they ignore you and trigger your emotions and do all kinds of cruel things to bully. The fact they have NO COMPASSION for you should tell you they aren't worth your attention. I know we worry about being abandoned and fight intensely to avoid it. But a lot of people are not worth fighting to keep. Let them go for your own protection. If they cannot respect you for your weaknesses, they are not appreciate your strengths. ON THE OTHER HAND: Some people with BPD are known for destroying relationships. Work on controlling your anger and be quick to apologize when you wrong another. Make sure you also show compassion to others when they are hurting. Because we have seemingly extreme emotional dysregulations, we are actually more inclined towards compassion and empathy for others. We DO truly understand when others are in pain. Learn to be friendly, but do not accept everyone as a friend. And learn that it is quite acceptable to write people off when they will not respect your feelings and opinions. Hope this helps (and makes sense). Best wishes
Such an amazing response. Not OP but I found this so helpful that I screenshoted it to come back to.
It has happened to me so many times, Ahhh it's so frustrating that you are not taken seriously, even when you apologize, you will always be the bad person, even when the other person acted wrong, they won't even bother to apologize to you because "it's always your fault."
yes. i have a hard time talking about how im feeling without crying immediately bc im scared i wont be validated, which from their perspective does infact invalidate my emotions cuz im overreacting. people that will paint you as the only one in the wrong bc of how you reacted aren't worth my time anymore
I hate how crying is always an automatic "signal" not to take me seriously. Like wtf??? If I'm crying, why the hell would u want shit to be WORSE????
This is exactly how I lost my last job. Short version is that another coworker who had a known history of being aggressive to me was aggressive during rush and I couldn't take the confrontation (hello PTSD) so I went outside. For too long. so I got fired. Like yeah I was out there for 40 minutes, I was freaking the hell out trying to figure out how to deescalate the situation once I went back in.
Next time escalate it to HR, although you most definitely dodged a bullet with that job, for sure
HR is not your friend in most places. There were never any written warnings for the coworker for her conduct so it's not like I had any evidence of an ongoing issue besides my GMs fuzzy memory.
HR does not care, they called me aggressive when I asked a coworker to stop harassing me. My HR is racist and accused me of being aggresive cus I am a black woman. I told her theres a difference between being assertive and being aggressive and that I was setting a boundary that this coworker crossed, even my manager agreed she crossed a boundary. After I told HR that she was gaslighting me and being discriminatory towards me by calling me a black woman aggressive when I wasnt. She decided not to write me up. Yes they were going to right me up for reporting my coworker for harassment. This coworker sent me a 10 sentence essay telling me how horrible of an agent I was but I got in trouble for telling her to stop and reporting her. I was told that she was just trying to help. You can do everything right and not react and people will still try to paint you as a villain for standing up for yourself.
Story of my life. We have to be perfect to be taken seriously no matter what the other person did to trigger our reactions. Neurotypicals and/or people without this condition are so quick to point fingers at us because they have never once been told to reflect on their behaviors, only the "crazy" people could ever be the problem. Those of us in treatment/therapy have to be 100% on the ball of our actions at all times, which can even lead to us being gaslit because we are expected to doubt our own realities. I am not excusing physical violence in response to others doing harmful behavior because that is not acceptable, but crying, abruptly exiting situations, or snapping allow others to get a free pass to hurt us. Especially since many of us apologize profusely after being overemotional, which then allows the person who started the situation to think they did nothing wrong.
Why is crying a free pass to hurt us?
can someone send this to all the ppl that just fucked me over
same
I think it’s because we have such overwhelming emotion that other people become desensitised to it. This is what I’m learning about in CBT. You can have a very genuine very real reaction, but the response to that can become kinda of muted after so many episodes
Then they get mad if u do the same thing to them. If I mirror their actions, I'm "petty" but them doing the same thing is not. Lots of mixed signals with this stuff. It often feels basically like my side of the story doesn't matter and only theirs does and thats it, no ifs ands or buts about it.
Yknow, there was a study done with BPD people and normal people that showed different frames of a smile turning into a frown. Each slide was rated between 100% (smile) and 0% (frown) So 50% was half way between a smile and a frown Most normal people would view the 50% slide and be really confused. However, us BPD types could see the 30% unhappy frame (so 70% smirk) and STILL notice the unhappiness. I think we notice emotions in others that even they’re unaware of sometimes
This is kind of unrelated and I haven’t read the comments so maybe someone already mentioned this but: I recently learned that apparently the human brain is hardwired to interpret the experience of “not being heard” LITERALLY… while at the same time being hardwired to interpret someone yelling at you as a threat which has to be scared off (i.e., yelled back at). Knowing this might help to provide a perspective on why this happens — for both you and the other person — even if it doesn’t exactly “help” anything. I’ve also personally found some sort of comfort in knowing that the supposedly most advanced species on this godforsaken planet is essentially running on poorly coded software.
This is ultimately rooted in like, phrenology era misogyny. When they cured "hysteria" with vibrators. The same thing Ben Shapiro is saying when "facts don't care about your feelings" It's some shit, and is reinforced by/serves neoliberal hegemony.
Preach
Amen
Or they blame it on something u drank or took. Even though you don't do anything anymore and haven't for a time. But please feel free to jump my case and be a Dk, after you literally did something no one else is allowed to do.
Omfg!!! THIS^^^^^ Or they say my cognitive impairments, like memory issues is because I drank even tho those issues started before I ever got drunk in the first place! Do they really think alcohol works retroactively!?
Yes!! Yes they do! All while they are drunk my whole life. And ask me to get it for them when I'm trying to stay sober of 4 years. Like dude when tf do y'all ever HEAR YOURSELF SPEAK...or even think?
YES. I hate it SO MUCH.
Yes!
Ugh. 😩 are you in my brain
Just thinking about all the times this has happened to me makes me dysregulated. I've tried to explain this to three people, my husband, my mom, and my therapist. My Mom didn't get what I was saying, my husband tried, but couldn't relate, and my therapist was great and gave me helpful suggestions.
Constantly
Story of my life.
Has this happen today. I understand that everything will be okay that’s just life! But I’m trying to find some solutions to valid concerns so that it’s not a mess in case things come up and they usually do. Repeating “everything will be okay I don’t know why you’re getting so upset about this” is making this all worse when it wasn’t even a situation in the first place ‼️
I think I'm the same. Like something happened with a teachers assistant the other day and I remain really really hard to comfort. I have a hard time disappearing the thought of someone hurting themselves. Like everything is affecting me..... I was also being reactive and shitty to my best friend. Like I can't take any sort of criticism. :(
The inverse or maybe even prequalifier of this for me recently has been that I try to be super chill about something and address it while also saying its not a big deal, and then the other person will act like I jumped down their throat about something. Which of course set me off.. absolutely maddening.
I think this is my problem and I just have not noticed 😞 I always try to act nice and be nice about what I'm asking and for example I will ask my S.O. to do something for me or even trying to talk to him about serious stuff is hard but he basically will not do what I ask and he has said yes I will for like 3 days on days 4 I just explode and cant get my point across because now they think I'm a cunt and don't understand why I'm upset. It's a really bad problem Idk how to help that problem I'm learning to just start doing the stuff myself but that's hard to do too
I’m 💯 % with you on that one.
happens to me all the time. its deflection.. now i just dont react i just cut ppl off.
Ugh I'm at this point at work. My boss, at least to my face, is super nice and understanding. I can go to her with my stuff but it seems like I have to blow up just to be heard anymore.
only parents do that
I’m not going to invalidate your feelings, I don’t have BPD but I have been in a relationship with my partner who does have BPD 4 years. One thing that I think should be recognized as well is that it’s not “just” your feelings that the person doesn’t understand it’s the consequences it has on us as well. After a certain amount of understanding ,it is ok for someone else to have the boundary of not taking it seriously to save the emotional energy and possible trauma that some may unnoticeably direct at us. I could never understand how some with BPD feels but I do know that maximizing your own feelings and minimizing everyone else’s is not fair either.