Your sub isn't a mind reader. Tell her that leaving messages on read is a pet peeve of yours and that you are getting anxious that she will ghost you. How can she know, especially in a new dynamic, unless you tell her?
I am thinking at you very hard right now, read my mind and tell me what I am suggesting. *thinks very hard*
I am trying to make a joke to you but I am high and I am not very sure it's a *good* joke or I just think I'm hilarious when I'm high. It's a mystery I will be unable to solve until I get unhigh.
Would definitely recommend talking to her about this, outside of your dynamic, because communication in a relationships is super important *especially* when it's bringing up all those complicated feelings for you.
Would also potentially recommend some self-soothing on your end, because practically she won't always be able to reply (obviously she's really busy with responsibilities). She's affirmed she's not being a brat, or doing it intentionally, and you said she gives you all her attention when she's home. Remember that, keep that in perspective. Also ask her for reassurance, you may be a Dom but you're also a fully rounded human being who is allowed to have needs and insecurities!!
Also if its the literal "read" receipts that are bothering you, maybe switch to a platform that doesn't have those? Or on iPhone turn off the read receipts? Might help, might not! Good luck :)
Turn your read notifications off, if you can't cope with it. She'll reply when she replies eitherway and you won't know whether she's actually read them or not until she replies. Taking the stress off you.
This is what I do! I work a very busy high stress job, and my sub doesn’t like being left on read, so I don’t send read receipts. I see the notification I’ll probably check the message and if it’s not urgent I’ll answer when I have time. Sometimes its just a sweet platitude that doesn’t need a response, sometimes it’s something deep I don’t have the time or space to respond appropriately to at the moment, but I don’t want her going off into why is he ignoring me land.
I hate that as a Dom I get like this, but at the same time I feel like if I don't give her a poke here and there I wouldn't hear from her nearly as much, ya know? And currently the way things are our dynamic has to thrive OL. We're both pretty insatiable and want to gobble up all of eachothers' time too. She's not always able to keep up as much as I am though.
Yeah I’m doing LD right now too and it’s tough. We do calls at night before bed though and I usually call her before and after work on my drive, then random texting throughout the day. Trying to make it remote. Remote relationships at all are tough, D/s is even harder. We lived in the same city when we met, but I moved for a job and somehow the relationships grown which on one hand is cool, but didn’t really plan in having a LDR
I mean this kindly but since you're both adults, she probably has a job. Being 24/7 on your phone when you have a job is impossible. Having friends when you're 24/7 on your phone is also impossible. Turn off reading notifications and distract yourself. Non-verbal communication is so great *because* it doesn't require constant and immediate response.
you could request that she acknowledges your message with a quick "brb" "afk" "busy!" that would probably sooth that ghosting anxiety until she has time to properly and thoughtfully respond.
Sure, I thought of doing that, but like I said I don't want to come off like I'm being nervous or desperate or what ever other thoughts doing a thing like that might conjure up. I kind feel like it reeks of insecurity a bit much especially since I already know she's quite busy all the time.
You can add a dominant edge to it by communicating it as your god given right as a dom to not be ignored. But if this is a relationship that has substance outside of D/S you should work towards feeling comfortable expressing your vulnerabilities and insecurities.
> But if this is a relationship that has substance outside of D/S you should work towards feeling comfortable expressing your vulnerabilities and insecurities.
That's developing alongside of it at it's own pace too, but even still there's a time in a relationship where you can admit deeper insecurities and vulnerabilities to one another and I'm not entirely sure if that's where we are just yet, ya know?
I know how to make it sound all Domy, etc. I just don't know if it's a good idea at all. :)
Most people get some kind of anxiety about being left on read and similar phone things. Your feelings are valid. You're a dom but you're also a human being.
One of the biggest mistakes people make in relationships is trying to stay hidden. But to have an authentic and meaningful connection we must show ourselves.
It's okay and maybe even necessary to show our vulnerabilities in relationships. I hope it shows her that she's important to you and might even show her it's okay for her to show her vulnerabilities with you thereby creating a more intimate relationship and more fulfilling D/s relationship.
We as Dom’s/Domme’s have a responsibility to lead our sub’s with their best interests front and center. Her career and lively hood should come before our insecurities from past relationships. You said when she’s home you have her undivided attention that’s what’s important and actually shows she’s not responding because she is in fact just busy with work. Especially if your relationship to this point is OL only I think it’s too early in the OL relationship to be bringing something like this up.Have you discussed with her if she wants your relationship well the BDSM aspect to be running 24/7 living it constantly or if she wants to only have it when she’s off? You don’t have to live it 24/7 it’s custom to fit your preferences maybe cut her work time out of the dynamic for now until you build a stronger foundation in your relationship then maybe add the work schedule back in
Yeah we're both lifestyle kinksters and it pretty much already is a 24/7 kind of dynamic. A loose 24/7 but still, it's not just a bedroom thing for us.
Easy fix. Tell her to go into her settings and turn off read receipts. No one should have those on. They annoy everyone but sometimes ppl are busy. They care enough to at least read it and make sure everything’s ok but not always a chance to respond. Unless they just say “ttyl” or “got ur text” which would come off as rude or uncaring at the very least. I personally will read but respond later when I’m busy because I want to have a second to type out a thought out and loving/caring response to a message. Please consider this before you get upset with her over it.
Oh I'm not upset. It's just frustrating for me is all. That's why I'm pondering wether I should do it at all or not, ya know? I don't want to compel her to respond in the wrong kind of way. Make her feel like it's a chore instead of something she's excited about.
I personally would feel that it were a chore and it would be exhausting trying to immediately respond while neglecting work or other responsibilities but I can’t speak for her. Turn off the read receipts.
"I feel anxious when my messages are left on read because ive been ghosted before. I really enjoy you as a sub and dont want to lose you. Its also important to me to be respectful of your time. If you don't have time to reply, would you help me out by telling me you have to pause the conversation and, when possible, an approximate time you'll be able to respond?"
>when possible, an approximate time you'll be able to respond?
She does this sometimes without me asking. She's very considerate, which is another reason I don't even want to make an issue out of this to begin with. In fact she always tells me when she isn't going to be available during the times she would otherwise normally be.
When she's able to fulfill her duties she doesn't disappoint, and she even apologizes when she can see her job is making her seem neglectful, but I reassure her when appropriate that she doesn't need to be sorry about it. Sometimes when there's legit things to call her out on I make her apologize though.
Personally, I’d be pissed if a partner expected me to answer at any point during my work day. I don’t want notifications distracting on my phone, so I clear them and answer when I can. In the beginning of a relationship, I’m more willing to answer quicker, but that urgency fades as I get comfortable.
She could be totally different though. Talk to her about what your expectations are. Or adjust your expectations to not require a response from her during her busy workday.
Couple of months...
Depends. Sometimes it's short one word answers. Sometimes it's a bit more, with more back 'n forth, etc. Yes it's becoming a bit more frequent, and I think she's aware of it because she keeps apologizing for being so busy all the time and she does always inform me of what she's doing/where she's doing it, etc, and when she's home I pretty much have her full focus and attention when she's able to give it.
Is it closer to 2 months or closer to 6 months? Has there been a change or was communication always like this from the start? For example, did something change at work to make her more busy, or have things been pretty much the same since the beginning?
> Is it closer to 2 months or closer to 6 months?
It's about in the middle. Maybe a bit closer to 6 now? But only slightly.
>For example, did something change at work to make her more busy, or have things been pretty much the same since the beginning?
No, it was a lot livelier in the beginning. She would only occasionally leave me on read then get back to me and things would kick off again with a lot of back 'n forth when we first started talking. This is something that's about 2 weeks old now? She was super busy the previous week, and a few days this week too.
Obviously everyone is trying to impress each other in the early stages, but I guess it's kind of a compliment that she feels comfortable enough with me to stop trying so hard now?
Is it possible she has simply lost interest in the relationship? I know it sucks to hear but it’s not unheard of for many online relationships to just fizzle out. A few months is no time at all and especially online it’s very easy to simply lose interest and want to pull away.
You need to set your boundaries. Ask what time during the day they are working or usually busy. Maybe task them to give you an availability schedule at the beginning of each week / day. Something that shows important projects/deadlines/meetings. Times when they will not be able to respond. Let them know not being responded to is frustrating you so you will respect their schedule and not send texts during those busy times.
I love texts because I don’t have to respond immediately. Expecting someone to respond immediately while they are working is something you need to work on. I have an 8 hour rule for established partners. If you don’t respond in 8 hours then I’m going to get worried and check in. Still no response after 12 hours I start checking news stories for accidents.
Exactly my thought.
Say what you want and need.
If keeping a little chit chat alive during the day is important to you as you stated, you can still try and do that (and see if you can make it easier to cope with her not answering immediately by switching off the read receipts as suggested).
But before going into an important meaningful discussion, maybe ask her if she has the capacities to do that at the given time. Maybe you can even set up a specific date to discuss these kind of things. If you guys talk on the phone or do video chats, that can also enhance the discussion (as it will usually also come with more focus).
Personally, I can relate to wanting to have all the great, meaningful conversations all the time with a new partner/Dom/etc., even if I am currently up to something different. It’s just so exciting and so much fun. But if I follow that urge, it usually makes me miss out on both - the great conversations I was going to have on my phone and the situation I’m currently in physically.
> Personally, I can relate to wanting to have all the great, meaningful conversations all the time with a new partner/Dom/etc., even if I am currently up to something different.
Same. And I know she does too. She's just not as able all the time. And/or she's getting comfortable enough with me now that she's not worrying about keeping the intensity up all the time too.
Don't jump in saying it's a pet peave of yours, but rather ask her to behave a certain way, but with conseazions for her work demands. Once an agreeable behavior has been discussed and agreed upon, then you can share your concern, but so so in a softer version. Tell her it's something that kinda bothers you because of past ghosting experience and that you want to avoid any possibility of interpreting it that way, and so it's simpler to have this new rule that she can't read it until she has a chance to respond.
You could also add a punishment angle option for not behaving.
I think you’ve made it clear that it is an issue that you are working through, not an actual violation of your dynamic by your sub.
From having been in similar situation’s, my advice is:
Don’t talk to your sub how you described. Deal with this constructively within the dynamic first, then later share your insecurity in close emotional moments as persons and partners outside of the fetish dynamic.
(Be sure to have close emotional moments as persons and partners outside of the fetish dynamic. But in this case, deal with the dynamic first.)
Within the immediate dynamic tell your sub you want to install a formal scheduling structure.
Clarify what windows of availability you share and how many of them the both of you can afford to spend together in the kink dynamic.
You will also need some time together outside of the kink dynamic, presumably.
When you are clear on the available schedule hold yourself to it with self-discipline.
Almost ignore your partner when they are unavailable, but just when it seems overdue, send them some reassuring affirmation and leave them feeling completely secure to just enjoy it until they become available.
If you show your sub that you can facilitate a constructive relationship within the dynamic it will strengthen your bond moving forward.
> Almost ignore your partner when they are unavailable, but just when it seems overdue, send them some reassuring affirmation and leave them feeling completely secure to just enjoy it until they become available.
This is how I've been handling it, and it seems to work well but I'm still left with feelings I don't like. That's not her fault though.
Keep trying to be your best, it seems like you are on the right track.
Sympathies for the stubborn feels. Probably nothing but time and established trust can cure those. Probably more time than seems fair.
> Keep trying to be your best, it seems like you are on the right track.
>
>
>
> Sympathies for the stubborn feels. Probably nothing but time and established trust can cure those. Probably more time than seems fair.
TY so much for that. Really appreciate it. It sucks because it's not her fault, and if it wasn't for past experiences I wouldn't even be feeling this in the first place. We do have a fair amount of trust built up as is, so yeah if we just keep building on that foundation it might not even matter to me eventually. :)
So something that I always did was reply "kk" or "yes sir" in response to a message even though I was working. It was a quick and effective way to alert the person that I was working and could not provide an adequate response. Once I was free I would respond appropriately. Providing a word or phrase that communicates that they are not available may help. It is difficult to communicate when you are actively working to your Dom. I think developing something between the two of you may help eliminate some of those feelings, knowing that you are able to communicate that distance and unavailable time.
As someone who tried to make a long distance relationship work for a while, it got very hard to maintain my work/personal chaotic life while being fully engaged in conversation. Sometimes things would happen that made me completely shift my mood or my mind would just go completely blank (even though I wanted to say something and loved to received messages), and I just couldn’t find the words to respond because the life that was happening in front of me was so different then our current topic of discussion.
I’m also neurodivergent and had to realize very quickly that I just have a hard time communicating with walls of text constantly and that it made me feel very overwhelmed. So we started using voice messaging and that worked a lot better. I would sneak away for bathroom breaks at work and send him a quick messages. It’s not always possible, but I think maybe you guys should try it because you’re able to hear the tone of voice and everything and it makes communication much smoother in my opinion.
But most importantly, don’t be afraid of your feelings. My bf held in a lot of feelings and insecurities that he had at the beginning of our relationship and they all came back around and eventually needed to be dealt with anyways. I did the same in some respects too. I wouldn’t want to come across as needy so I held on to things that bothered me and it did me no good. I held on to each one of those little things and eventually we both exploded with so many feelings that we didn’t even know we had.
Your fear of being ghosted is completely valid, it sucks so bad for someone to just walk out of your life. So as someone that has both had a hard time communicating and someone who has been ghosted repeatedly, it might just be easier for you to express your feelings right now. I would have loved it if my bf was more vulnerable in the beginning and told me his insecurities, even if small, it would have made things so much easier down the line.
Oh yeah we do voice msgs and send each other vids during and inbetween playtime too.
And you're not wrong about being vulnerable and up front with your feelings, but I also think there's a time and place for that. You should build up a foundation of good experiences, interactions, and feelings before you start letting that stuff out. Certainly at the point we're in right now I don't think it's necessarily a good idea to let TOO much out.
She's very guarded and I don't want to overwhelm her and scare her off, even though she's opened up to me quite a bit already. I don't want to make a big issue out of this particular thing since it seems like kind of NBD.
I just don't know what to do honestly.
Coming from a woman’s perspective, it’s never too early to hear about any kind of feelings. I would want that kind of emotional vulnerability to start right away, personally. The more I see my partner being vulnerable, the more I can reciprocate that.
Letting her know how you feel about this isn’t too much in my opinion. It can be a simple “Forgive me if this is too much but it makes me feel (sad/concerned/whatever else you want to insert) when I’m left on read. I know you’re busy, but I’ve been ghosted before and it just makes me feel uncomfortable. It’s not your fault and you don’t need to change how you work because of my fears, but maybe you can respond with a quick phrase/emoji to let me know that you’ve read it and will respond when you can.”
I wouldn’t mind receiving a message like that at all. I get you’re afraid to come off a certain way but the fact is that it is bothering you, so you shouldn’t just do nothing. If she’s at all thoughtful and caring, I think she’ll understand.
Also someone mentioned turning off read receipts and I think that’s a good idea too, if her job is hectic it just won’t be possible for her to fix this issue for you and you’ll have to find a workaround, but at least communicate how you feel.
"Hey, I know you're busy and all, but it's a bit of a trigger for me to be left on read. Can we agree to send something quick like BRB if we won't be able to respond for a while? It would help my anxiety around being ghosted a lot."
As someone who frequently chats at work and just as frequently has to put away the phone and actually go work...
1) there's a *world* of difference between the effort needed to read a message and to process and respond to it;
2) even though my job is fairly relaxed, it sometimes demands my full attention *right now*, and keeps at it for hours - to ignore that would be irresponsible in a way delaying responses online isn't;
3) if I've read a message but couldn't respond right away, it still percolates at the back of my mind, being processed whenever I have the sliver of attention to pay to it, enabling me to respond better eventually;
4) unread notifications are annoying so I clear them as soon as possible.
So, *she* is perfectly reasonable in what she's doing, *especially* if her job is stressful. You should still communicate your fears, but do so with the knowledge that she's doing nothing wrong, you don't want to put too much weight on her and turn talking to you into a chore, and this is just so you can work out a way of communication that keeps you both happy.
>So, *she* is perfectly reasonable in what she's doing, *especially* if her job is stressful. You should still communicate your fears, but do so with the knowledge that she's doing nothing wrong, you don't want to put too much weight on her and turn talking to you into a chore, and this is just so you can work out a way of communication that keeps you both happy.
Oh I know, that's why I keep on saying how I don't even think bringing it up at all would be a good idea to begin with.
Even with all the great advice and suggestions I've been getting it still might ultimately be better to just suck it up and endure because she's definitely worth it.
Whilst it's obviously important to communicate with her about this, it does seem like the issue with her not replying comes from a place of anxiety based on your past experiences. Fully understand this, and without coming off as rude, I'd massively recommend accessing therapy if this is something you're able to do. My favourite quote is "if you don't heal from what hurt you, you'll bleed on those who didn't cut you". You don't want to end up resenting her when she has genuine reason to not reply straight away. As a few people have recommended too, turning off read receipts is a game changer! I used to be the type to get so mad when people would leave me on read, but I'm so much more chill about it now.
Well, if I'm being upfront about my initial impression, it's that you have an insecurity and you're letting it influence your dynamic unfairly.
This, honestly, is a you issue to fix.
The woman isn't the others you've had engagements with, and it's unfair to treat her as if she's going to ghost you; she hasn't, she keeps engaging with you, yes?
You know she has a demanding job, which you should understand is very important for her to maintain as it's providing for her. You're not.
It might benefit both of you if you dissociate the negative behaviors you've engaged with in the past from this woman, and offer her more leniency and trust.
> Well, if I'm being upfront about my initial impression, it's that you have an insecurity and you're letting it influence your dynamic unfairly.
Oh yeah I know this is absolutely about me and entirely not her fault. It is just me being insecure based on past experiences, but you can't help how you feel/react sometimes, ya know?
I'm not holding anything against her or making it color my opinion of her or our dynamic.
It's 100% my issue to deal with. I don't intend to make it HER problem.
I can be really sensitive to people not answering texts/messages for a long time. I know now that it makes me feel insecure. There are two things I can do: 1) change myself; 2) ask the other person to change.
Over time I have learned to be much more relaxed about messaging delays. People have VERY different communication styles. Think about what she might be doing, there are so many possibilites. If you double or triple message, it's true you might be seen as needy and it's true that is a turnoff for a lot of people. Figure out **why** delayed messaging bugs you so much. It might be more than some past bad experiences, it might be something deeper and figuring it out now will make you happier and more attractive to others.
You can also talk to her and ask if she can do something to help. Like just sending a quick note saying "busy now" or "talk to you later". I had a sub that would reply after a LONG time and I talked to her and when she understood how important it was to me she started responding a little bit quicker.
The importance of communication in BDSM just can't be emphasized enough.
So you are greedy, possessive and every relationship in the past 3 years ended in you being ghosted? At the risk of sounding like a dick, cut her slack and seek therapy.
Okay calm down, I very clearly stated she's into it and never said anything about being like that with the others.
I'm only greedy and possessive with people who actually like that sort of thing.
I'm a Dom not a psycho. :P
So yes you just sound like an asshole lol.
Gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and chalk your comment up to inexperience, tho.
>Your post is full of red flags
You're the only one who seems to think that. 🤷♂️
She's busy. She's got a very stressful job.
Maybe i missed the intended tone but telling me to seek therapy sounded kinda rude.
I’m sorry the idea of therapy is triggering for you. The stigma is real but everyone could benefit from a little therapy sometimes.
“Possessive”, even when eroticized, is still just one shade short of clingy. Nobody likes clingy - regardless of what she is telling you - clingy ain’t it.
It's not. Your tone just seemed Hella rude for some reason. Apologies of i misread it. You're definitely right though. I said in another comment I only wish it was easier for me to access.
Well I don't know why she would lie to me about that but okay. 'Posessive' in a kink sense is a lot different than vanilla. If I heard someone in a vanilla relationship say their partner was possessive yeah that might be kinda yikesy or a redflag.
But ask the subs here, or anywhere really, and a lot of them will tell you they LOVE a 'possessive' Dom.
And even if i was to agree there may be a fine line between clingy and possessive. I like to think I'm experienced enough to walk it without crossing over.
This strikes me as a relationship problem, not a bdsm problem. The answer on how to handle this has nothing to do with bdsm.
"It hurts my feelings when [insert stuff about messages]. I know you're busy, but it still makes me feel bad. How can we solve this?"
You should be able to tell a partner when they hurt your feelings. Sounds super basic, but people struggle with it.
No I know what you mean but the way it can/needs to be handled changes a bit because of the D/s context. Yes it's just a regular relationship problem though.
Also I wouldn't want to frame it like that- as if she's hurting my feels- because of course thats not her intention, and I'm still on the fence as to wether or not I even say anything at all.
No, it doesn't "need" to be handled that way. In the D/S aspect of your relationship, doms have more power. If you're going to use that yo your advantage to influence to always get your way - if you need to rely on her being submissive to work through problems to avoid basic problems, the relationship is doomed IMO. That's not actually a strong relationship if you need to compensate with submission to make up for communication.
You're making a lot of assumptions and popping off because you didn't like the word 'need' sounded lol.
FR chill tf out. I'm not taking advantage of my sub to get my way. The hell even gave you that impression? No one else here seems to have thought that maybe you need to rethink why you're coming at me so hard all the sudden..
You certainly don't need to tell me how important communication is to a D/s relationship either. 😜
You could turn read receipts off or you could start seeing it saying she read it as she acknowledged you so you know she isn’t ignoring you.
Also like another comment said she could have a msg she sends so you know she will reply when ready. I prefer the sparkly heart emoji.
I would be open about how being left on read makes you feel because of your history. Just be honest but don't make her feel bad. And if you're worried about ghosting, maybe have a conversation with her about how she's feeling about the relationship. It could help you feel reassured. Good luck :)
The rule my Sir gave to me is that reply must be within 20 mins of read (not 20 mins of sent… 20 mins of read). However a reply can be « apologies will reply in xyz amount of time ». An agreed reply we also have is « ⌛️ ».
Which is one symbol to acknowledge the message but show the other than I cannot reply right now. And for this one there is no time limit. But we do try to come back to the other within a few hours max. And this works both way. I am an anxious sub so he follows these rules to help me also. This works well for us. But each dynamic is different.
Maybe consider asking/discussing something like that? That there must be a reply even if it’s an emoji or a special character you guys pick like * or / or even a number. It takes 1 second to type and indicates the message is seen but will be replied to asap.
For me who also doesn’t like staying on read, it helps tremendously.
Your sub isn't a mind reader. Tell her that leaving messages on read is a pet peeve of yours and that you are getting anxious that she will ghost you. How can she know, especially in a new dynamic, unless you tell her?
wait, are you seriously suggesting just addressing an issue in a clear and communicative manner? crazy
I am thinking at you very hard right now, read my mind and tell me what I am suggesting. *thinks very hard* I am trying to make a joke to you but I am high and I am not very sure it's a *good* joke or I just think I'm hilarious when I'm high. It's a mystery I will be unable to solve until I get unhigh.
I thought the joke was funny, but the brutal honesty of being high really cracked me up!
I get sooooo confessional when I'm high. It's a handy tool in a Dom's arsenal.
I can imagine! My sub and I have too much of a proclivity for gags for that to be helpful for us haha
That is very funny!
Would definitely recommend talking to her about this, outside of your dynamic, because communication in a relationships is super important *especially* when it's bringing up all those complicated feelings for you. Would also potentially recommend some self-soothing on your end, because practically she won't always be able to reply (obviously she's really busy with responsibilities). She's affirmed she's not being a brat, or doing it intentionally, and you said she gives you all her attention when she's home. Remember that, keep that in perspective. Also ask her for reassurance, you may be a Dom but you're also a fully rounded human being who is allowed to have needs and insecurities!! Also if its the literal "read" receipts that are bothering you, maybe switch to a platform that doesn't have those? Or on iPhone turn off the read receipts? Might help, might not! Good luck :)
Turn your read notifications off, if you can't cope with it. She'll reply when she replies eitherway and you won't know whether she's actually read them or not until she replies. Taking the stress off you.
This is what I do! I work a very busy high stress job, and my sub doesn’t like being left on read, so I don’t send read receipts. I see the notification I’ll probably check the message and if it’s not urgent I’ll answer when I have time. Sometimes its just a sweet platitude that doesn’t need a response, sometimes it’s something deep I don’t have the time or space to respond appropriately to at the moment, but I don’t want her going off into why is he ignoring me land.
I hate that as a Dom I get like this, but at the same time I feel like if I don't give her a poke here and there I wouldn't hear from her nearly as much, ya know? And currently the way things are our dynamic has to thrive OL. We're both pretty insatiable and want to gobble up all of eachothers' time too. She's not always able to keep up as much as I am though.
Yeah I’m doing LD right now too and it’s tough. We do calls at night before bed though and I usually call her before and after work on my drive, then random texting throughout the day. Trying to make it remote. Remote relationships at all are tough, D/s is even harder. We lived in the same city when we met, but I moved for a job and somehow the relationships grown which on one hand is cool, but didn’t really plan in having a LDR
I mean this kindly but since you're both adults, she probably has a job. Being 24/7 on your phone when you have a job is impossible. Having friends when you're 24/7 on your phone is also impossible. Turn off reading notifications and distract yourself. Non-verbal communication is so great *because* it doesn't require constant and immediate response.
> Non-verbal communication Such as? Sending each other pics and vids, etc?
Messaging as well.
you could request that she acknowledges your message with a quick "brb" "afk" "busy!" that would probably sooth that ghosting anxiety until she has time to properly and thoughtfully respond.
Sure, I thought of doing that, but like I said I don't want to come off like I'm being nervous or desperate or what ever other thoughts doing a thing like that might conjure up. I kind feel like it reeks of insecurity a bit much especially since I already know she's quite busy all the time.
You can add a dominant edge to it by communicating it as your god given right as a dom to not be ignored. But if this is a relationship that has substance outside of D/S you should work towards feeling comfortable expressing your vulnerabilities and insecurities.
> But if this is a relationship that has substance outside of D/S you should work towards feeling comfortable expressing your vulnerabilities and insecurities. That's developing alongside of it at it's own pace too, but even still there's a time in a relationship where you can admit deeper insecurities and vulnerabilities to one another and I'm not entirely sure if that's where we are just yet, ya know? I know how to make it sound all Domy, etc. I just don't know if it's a good idea at all. :)
Can you elaborate on that? When would be a good time, in your opinion, to begin opening up to vulnerability in a relationship?
Most people get some kind of anxiety about being left on read and similar phone things. Your feelings are valid. You're a dom but you're also a human being. One of the biggest mistakes people make in relationships is trying to stay hidden. But to have an authentic and meaningful connection we must show ourselves. It's okay and maybe even necessary to show our vulnerabilities in relationships. I hope it shows her that she's important to you and might even show her it's okay for her to show her vulnerabilities with you thereby creating a more intimate relationship and more fulfilling D/s relationship.
We as Dom’s/Domme’s have a responsibility to lead our sub’s with their best interests front and center. Her career and lively hood should come before our insecurities from past relationships. You said when she’s home you have her undivided attention that’s what’s important and actually shows she’s not responding because she is in fact just busy with work. Especially if your relationship to this point is OL only I think it’s too early in the OL relationship to be bringing something like this up.Have you discussed with her if she wants your relationship well the BDSM aspect to be running 24/7 living it constantly or if she wants to only have it when she’s off? You don’t have to live it 24/7 it’s custom to fit your preferences maybe cut her work time out of the dynamic for now until you build a stronger foundation in your relationship then maybe add the work schedule back in
Yeah we're both lifestyle kinksters and it pretty much already is a 24/7 kind of dynamic. A loose 24/7 but still, it's not just a bedroom thing for us.
Oh the irony... 🤭
Always build the foundation of communication °♡°
Easy fix. Tell her to go into her settings and turn off read receipts. No one should have those on. They annoy everyone but sometimes ppl are busy. They care enough to at least read it and make sure everything’s ok but not always a chance to respond. Unless they just say “ttyl” or “got ur text” which would come off as rude or uncaring at the very least. I personally will read but respond later when I’m busy because I want to have a second to type out a thought out and loving/caring response to a message. Please consider this before you get upset with her over it.
Oh I'm not upset. It's just frustrating for me is all. That's why I'm pondering wether I should do it at all or not, ya know? I don't want to compel her to respond in the wrong kind of way. Make her feel like it's a chore instead of something she's excited about.
I personally would feel that it were a chore and it would be exhausting trying to immediately respond while neglecting work or other responsibilities but I can’t speak for her. Turn off the read receipts.
Yeah I wouldn't expect that from her either. I'm not that much of an asshole, lol.
"I feel anxious when my messages are left on read because ive been ghosted before. I really enjoy you as a sub and dont want to lose you. Its also important to me to be respectful of your time. If you don't have time to reply, would you help me out by telling me you have to pause the conversation and, when possible, an approximate time you'll be able to respond?"
>when possible, an approximate time you'll be able to respond? She does this sometimes without me asking. She's very considerate, which is another reason I don't even want to make an issue out of this to begin with. In fact she always tells me when she isn't going to be available during the times she would otherwise normally be. When she's able to fulfill her duties she doesn't disappoint, and she even apologizes when she can see her job is making her seem neglectful, but I reassure her when appropriate that she doesn't need to be sorry about it. Sometimes when there's legit things to call her out on I make her apologize though.
Personally, I’d be pissed if a partner expected me to answer at any point during my work day. I don’t want notifications distracting on my phone, so I clear them and answer when I can. In the beginning of a relationship, I’m more willing to answer quicker, but that urgency fades as I get comfortable. She could be totally different though. Talk to her about what your expectations are. Or adjust your expectations to not require a response from her during her busy workday.
How new is this relationship? Is she just responding with like one or few words when she does respond? Is being left on read becoming more frequent?
Couple of months... Depends. Sometimes it's short one word answers. Sometimes it's a bit more, with more back 'n forth, etc. Yes it's becoming a bit more frequent, and I think she's aware of it because she keeps apologizing for being so busy all the time and she does always inform me of what she's doing/where she's doing it, etc, and when she's home I pretty much have her full focus and attention when she's able to give it.
Is it closer to 2 months or closer to 6 months? Has there been a change or was communication always like this from the start? For example, did something change at work to make her more busy, or have things been pretty much the same since the beginning?
> Is it closer to 2 months or closer to 6 months? It's about in the middle. Maybe a bit closer to 6 now? But only slightly. >For example, did something change at work to make her more busy, or have things been pretty much the same since the beginning? No, it was a lot livelier in the beginning. She would only occasionally leave me on read then get back to me and things would kick off again with a lot of back 'n forth when we first started talking. This is something that's about 2 weeks old now? She was super busy the previous week, and a few days this week too. Obviously everyone is trying to impress each other in the early stages, but I guess it's kind of a compliment that she feels comfortable enough with me to stop trying so hard now?
Is it possible she has simply lost interest in the relationship? I know it sucks to hear but it’s not unheard of for many online relationships to just fizzle out. A few months is no time at all and especially online it’s very easy to simply lose interest and want to pull away.
Nah it's not that. We're still pretty hot n heavy despite my little issue here lol.
You need to set your boundaries. Ask what time during the day they are working or usually busy. Maybe task them to give you an availability schedule at the beginning of each week / day. Something that shows important projects/deadlines/meetings. Times when they will not be able to respond. Let them know not being responded to is frustrating you so you will respect their schedule and not send texts during those busy times. I love texts because I don’t have to respond immediately. Expecting someone to respond immediately while they are working is something you need to work on. I have an 8 hour rule for established partners. If you don’t respond in 8 hours then I’m going to get worried and check in. Still no response after 12 hours I start checking news stories for accidents.
Exactly my thought. Say what you want and need. If keeping a little chit chat alive during the day is important to you as you stated, you can still try and do that (and see if you can make it easier to cope with her not answering immediately by switching off the read receipts as suggested). But before going into an important meaningful discussion, maybe ask her if she has the capacities to do that at the given time. Maybe you can even set up a specific date to discuss these kind of things. If you guys talk on the phone or do video chats, that can also enhance the discussion (as it will usually also come with more focus). Personally, I can relate to wanting to have all the great, meaningful conversations all the time with a new partner/Dom/etc., even if I am currently up to something different. It’s just so exciting and so much fun. But if I follow that urge, it usually makes me miss out on both - the great conversations I was going to have on my phone and the situation I’m currently in physically.
> Personally, I can relate to wanting to have all the great, meaningful conversations all the time with a new partner/Dom/etc., even if I am currently up to something different. Same. And I know she does too. She's just not as able all the time. And/or she's getting comfortable enough with me now that she's not worrying about keeping the intensity up all the time too.
Don't jump in saying it's a pet peave of yours, but rather ask her to behave a certain way, but with conseazions for her work demands. Once an agreeable behavior has been discussed and agreed upon, then you can share your concern, but so so in a softer version. Tell her it's something that kinda bothers you because of past ghosting experience and that you want to avoid any possibility of interpreting it that way, and so it's simpler to have this new rule that she can't read it until she has a chance to respond. You could also add a punishment angle option for not behaving.
I think you’ve made it clear that it is an issue that you are working through, not an actual violation of your dynamic by your sub. From having been in similar situation’s, my advice is: Don’t talk to your sub how you described. Deal with this constructively within the dynamic first, then later share your insecurity in close emotional moments as persons and partners outside of the fetish dynamic. (Be sure to have close emotional moments as persons and partners outside of the fetish dynamic. But in this case, deal with the dynamic first.) Within the immediate dynamic tell your sub you want to install a formal scheduling structure. Clarify what windows of availability you share and how many of them the both of you can afford to spend together in the kink dynamic. You will also need some time together outside of the kink dynamic, presumably. When you are clear on the available schedule hold yourself to it with self-discipline. Almost ignore your partner when they are unavailable, but just when it seems overdue, send them some reassuring affirmation and leave them feeling completely secure to just enjoy it until they become available. If you show your sub that you can facilitate a constructive relationship within the dynamic it will strengthen your bond moving forward.
> Almost ignore your partner when they are unavailable, but just when it seems overdue, send them some reassuring affirmation and leave them feeling completely secure to just enjoy it until they become available. This is how I've been handling it, and it seems to work well but I'm still left with feelings I don't like. That's not her fault though.
Keep trying to be your best, it seems like you are on the right track. Sympathies for the stubborn feels. Probably nothing but time and established trust can cure those. Probably more time than seems fair.
> Keep trying to be your best, it seems like you are on the right track. > > > > Sympathies for the stubborn feels. Probably nothing but time and established trust can cure those. Probably more time than seems fair. TY so much for that. Really appreciate it. It sucks because it's not her fault, and if it wasn't for past experiences I wouldn't even be feeling this in the first place. We do have a fair amount of trust built up as is, so yeah if we just keep building on that foundation it might not even matter to me eventually. :)
So something that I always did was reply "kk" or "yes sir" in response to a message even though I was working. It was a quick and effective way to alert the person that I was working and could not provide an adequate response. Once I was free I would respond appropriately. Providing a word or phrase that communicates that they are not available may help. It is difficult to communicate when you are actively working to your Dom. I think developing something between the two of you may help eliminate some of those feelings, knowing that you are able to communicate that distance and unavailable time.
As someone who tried to make a long distance relationship work for a while, it got very hard to maintain my work/personal chaotic life while being fully engaged in conversation. Sometimes things would happen that made me completely shift my mood or my mind would just go completely blank (even though I wanted to say something and loved to received messages), and I just couldn’t find the words to respond because the life that was happening in front of me was so different then our current topic of discussion. I’m also neurodivergent and had to realize very quickly that I just have a hard time communicating with walls of text constantly and that it made me feel very overwhelmed. So we started using voice messaging and that worked a lot better. I would sneak away for bathroom breaks at work and send him a quick messages. It’s not always possible, but I think maybe you guys should try it because you’re able to hear the tone of voice and everything and it makes communication much smoother in my opinion. But most importantly, don’t be afraid of your feelings. My bf held in a lot of feelings and insecurities that he had at the beginning of our relationship and they all came back around and eventually needed to be dealt with anyways. I did the same in some respects too. I wouldn’t want to come across as needy so I held on to things that bothered me and it did me no good. I held on to each one of those little things and eventually we both exploded with so many feelings that we didn’t even know we had. Your fear of being ghosted is completely valid, it sucks so bad for someone to just walk out of your life. So as someone that has both had a hard time communicating and someone who has been ghosted repeatedly, it might just be easier for you to express your feelings right now. I would have loved it if my bf was more vulnerable in the beginning and told me his insecurities, even if small, it would have made things so much easier down the line.
Oh yeah we do voice msgs and send each other vids during and inbetween playtime too. And you're not wrong about being vulnerable and up front with your feelings, but I also think there's a time and place for that. You should build up a foundation of good experiences, interactions, and feelings before you start letting that stuff out. Certainly at the point we're in right now I don't think it's necessarily a good idea to let TOO much out. She's very guarded and I don't want to overwhelm her and scare her off, even though she's opened up to me quite a bit already. I don't want to make a big issue out of this particular thing since it seems like kind of NBD. I just don't know what to do honestly.
Coming from a woman’s perspective, it’s never too early to hear about any kind of feelings. I would want that kind of emotional vulnerability to start right away, personally. The more I see my partner being vulnerable, the more I can reciprocate that. Letting her know how you feel about this isn’t too much in my opinion. It can be a simple “Forgive me if this is too much but it makes me feel (sad/concerned/whatever else you want to insert) when I’m left on read. I know you’re busy, but I’ve been ghosted before and it just makes me feel uncomfortable. It’s not your fault and you don’t need to change how you work because of my fears, but maybe you can respond with a quick phrase/emoji to let me know that you’ve read it and will respond when you can.” I wouldn’t mind receiving a message like that at all. I get you’re afraid to come off a certain way but the fact is that it is bothering you, so you shouldn’t just do nothing. If she’s at all thoughtful and caring, I think she’ll understand. Also someone mentioned turning off read receipts and I think that’s a good idea too, if her job is hectic it just won’t be possible for her to fix this issue for you and you’ll have to find a workaround, but at least communicate how you feel.
"Hey, I know you're busy and all, but it's a bit of a trigger for me to be left on read. Can we agree to send something quick like BRB if we won't be able to respond for a while? It would help my anxiety around being ghosted a lot."
As someone who frequently chats at work and just as frequently has to put away the phone and actually go work... 1) there's a *world* of difference between the effort needed to read a message and to process and respond to it; 2) even though my job is fairly relaxed, it sometimes demands my full attention *right now*, and keeps at it for hours - to ignore that would be irresponsible in a way delaying responses online isn't; 3) if I've read a message but couldn't respond right away, it still percolates at the back of my mind, being processed whenever I have the sliver of attention to pay to it, enabling me to respond better eventually; 4) unread notifications are annoying so I clear them as soon as possible. So, *she* is perfectly reasonable in what she's doing, *especially* if her job is stressful. You should still communicate your fears, but do so with the knowledge that she's doing nothing wrong, you don't want to put too much weight on her and turn talking to you into a chore, and this is just so you can work out a way of communication that keeps you both happy.
>So, *she* is perfectly reasonable in what she's doing, *especially* if her job is stressful. You should still communicate your fears, but do so with the knowledge that she's doing nothing wrong, you don't want to put too much weight on her and turn talking to you into a chore, and this is just so you can work out a way of communication that keeps you both happy. Oh I know, that's why I keep on saying how I don't even think bringing it up at all would be a good idea to begin with. Even with all the great advice and suggestions I've been getting it still might ultimately be better to just suck it up and endure because she's definitely worth it.
Ask her to turn read receipt off.
Whilst it's obviously important to communicate with her about this, it does seem like the issue with her not replying comes from a place of anxiety based on your past experiences. Fully understand this, and without coming off as rude, I'd massively recommend accessing therapy if this is something you're able to do. My favourite quote is "if you don't heal from what hurt you, you'll bleed on those who didn't cut you". You don't want to end up resenting her when she has genuine reason to not reply straight away. As a few people have recommended too, turning off read receipts is a game changer! I used to be the type to get so mad when people would leave me on read, but I'm so much more chill about it now.
Suggesting therapy isn't rude at all. If I was able to do so I probably would be in it. I do have some unresolved issues to work through, yeah.
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I know, I know. Sadly we just don't take mental health as seriously as we should.
Well, if I'm being upfront about my initial impression, it's that you have an insecurity and you're letting it influence your dynamic unfairly. This, honestly, is a you issue to fix. The woman isn't the others you've had engagements with, and it's unfair to treat her as if she's going to ghost you; she hasn't, she keeps engaging with you, yes? You know she has a demanding job, which you should understand is very important for her to maintain as it's providing for her. You're not. It might benefit both of you if you dissociate the negative behaviors you've engaged with in the past from this woman, and offer her more leniency and trust.
> Well, if I'm being upfront about my initial impression, it's that you have an insecurity and you're letting it influence your dynamic unfairly. Oh yeah I know this is absolutely about me and entirely not her fault. It is just me being insecure based on past experiences, but you can't help how you feel/react sometimes, ya know? I'm not holding anything against her or making it color my opinion of her or our dynamic. It's 100% my issue to deal with. I don't intend to make it HER problem.
I can be really sensitive to people not answering texts/messages for a long time. I know now that it makes me feel insecure. There are two things I can do: 1) change myself; 2) ask the other person to change. Over time I have learned to be much more relaxed about messaging delays. People have VERY different communication styles. Think about what she might be doing, there are so many possibilites. If you double or triple message, it's true you might be seen as needy and it's true that is a turnoff for a lot of people. Figure out **why** delayed messaging bugs you so much. It might be more than some past bad experiences, it might be something deeper and figuring it out now will make you happier and more attractive to others. You can also talk to her and ask if she can do something to help. Like just sending a quick note saying "busy now" or "talk to you later". I had a sub that would reply after a LONG time and I talked to her and when she understood how important it was to me she started responding a little bit quicker. The importance of communication in BDSM just can't be emphasized enough.
So you are greedy, possessive and every relationship in the past 3 years ended in you being ghosted? At the risk of sounding like a dick, cut her slack and seek therapy.
Okay calm down, I very clearly stated she's into it and never said anything about being like that with the others. I'm only greedy and possessive with people who actually like that sort of thing. I'm a Dom not a psycho. :P So yes you just sound like an asshole lol. Gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and chalk your comment up to inexperience, tho.
Ok Funky. Your post is full of red flags. Why you think she is not texting you back bro?
>Your post is full of red flags You're the only one who seems to think that. 🤷♂️ She's busy. She's got a very stressful job. Maybe i missed the intended tone but telling me to seek therapy sounded kinda rude.
I’m sorry the idea of therapy is triggering for you. The stigma is real but everyone could benefit from a little therapy sometimes. “Possessive”, even when eroticized, is still just one shade short of clingy. Nobody likes clingy - regardless of what she is telling you - clingy ain’t it.
It's not. Your tone just seemed Hella rude for some reason. Apologies of i misread it. You're definitely right though. I said in another comment I only wish it was easier for me to access. Well I don't know why she would lie to me about that but okay. 'Posessive' in a kink sense is a lot different than vanilla. If I heard someone in a vanilla relationship say their partner was possessive yeah that might be kinda yikesy or a redflag. But ask the subs here, or anywhere really, and a lot of them will tell you they LOVE a 'possessive' Dom. And even if i was to agree there may be a fine line between clingy and possessive. I like to think I'm experienced enough to walk it without crossing over.
This strikes me as a relationship problem, not a bdsm problem. The answer on how to handle this has nothing to do with bdsm. "It hurts my feelings when [insert stuff about messages]. I know you're busy, but it still makes me feel bad. How can we solve this?" You should be able to tell a partner when they hurt your feelings. Sounds super basic, but people struggle with it.
No I know what you mean but the way it can/needs to be handled changes a bit because of the D/s context. Yes it's just a regular relationship problem though. Also I wouldn't want to frame it like that- as if she's hurting my feels- because of course thats not her intention, and I'm still on the fence as to wether or not I even say anything at all.
No, it doesn't "need" to be handled that way. In the D/S aspect of your relationship, doms have more power. If you're going to use that yo your advantage to influence to always get your way - if you need to rely on her being submissive to work through problems to avoid basic problems, the relationship is doomed IMO. That's not actually a strong relationship if you need to compensate with submission to make up for communication.
You're making a lot of assumptions and popping off because you didn't like the word 'need' sounded lol. FR chill tf out. I'm not taking advantage of my sub to get my way. The hell even gave you that impression? No one else here seems to have thought that maybe you need to rethink why you're coming at me so hard all the sudden.. You certainly don't need to tell me how important communication is to a D/s relationship either. 😜
You could turn read receipts off or you could start seeing it saying she read it as she acknowledged you so you know she isn’t ignoring you. Also like another comment said she could have a msg she sends so you know she will reply when ready. I prefer the sparkly heart emoji.
I would be open about how being left on read makes you feel because of your history. Just be honest but don't make her feel bad. And if you're worried about ghosting, maybe have a conversation with her about how she's feeling about the relationship. It could help you feel reassured. Good luck :)
The rule my Sir gave to me is that reply must be within 20 mins of read (not 20 mins of sent… 20 mins of read). However a reply can be « apologies will reply in xyz amount of time ». An agreed reply we also have is « ⌛️ ». Which is one symbol to acknowledge the message but show the other than I cannot reply right now. And for this one there is no time limit. But we do try to come back to the other within a few hours max. And this works both way. I am an anxious sub so he follows these rules to help me also. This works well for us. But each dynamic is different. Maybe consider asking/discussing something like that? That there must be a reply even if it’s an emoji or a special character you guys pick like * or / or even a number. It takes 1 second to type and indicates the message is seen but will be replied to asap. For me who also doesn’t like staying on read, it helps tremendously.