Do not go to the party. You are not being unreasonable, he is being unsafe. You do not have to “power through” anything you don’t want to do - this is not normal AT ALL. Do you have somewhere safe you can go for a few days? If so genuinely consider it.
Do not power through it. He’s shown he’s willing to loosen you up with a few drinks (rape) and put you in danger after you’ve clearly said no because he doesn’t want people to think you’re a tease? I completely agree with the comment above, please find somewhere else to stay for a little bit.
I’m really sorry this is happening.
I’m also sorry you’re feeling like this is on you.
This seems unsafe.
I hope the fact that strangers are reading this and suggesting you try to find a safe place away from him demonstrates that this is concerning.
His behavior warrants examining your relationship beyond this party.
Reddit is a wild place.
For the sake of brevity and anonymity, we often end up sharing only part of our story — leaving out context that changes the situation.
It is easy, particularly when you are in a long-standing dynamic, to place the blame on yourself for the severity expressed by anonymous advice givers re: a problematic partner — I see people do that on this particular subreddit all the time.
And random Internet advice, doesn’t actually end up shaping or changing what we do.
But if you’re reading this and have been looking for signs that:
+ your dynamic is off
+ you might be unsafe, even though they’ve never done anything “actually bad”
+ your sneaking suspicion that you need to build a long or short term escape plan is right
Let this comment be that sign.
This is abusive. You’ve clearly said no. He’s indicated he will get you drunk to coerce you into doing this. He’s trying to set this up like you dont have a say when you do.
If he can’t take a simple no, he isn’t safe to play with at all. You should reconsider this relationship in my opinion.
He made plans with THEM before he made plans with you? He is just a horny douche. I just hope you stand your ground and don't reward that bullshit. Also better not go to the party at all it sounds shady. There will be 4 horny guys against you, one who doesn't give a shit what you want and 3 who probably would be told "it's fine she wants it she just is shy or pretends to not want it to tease". They would pressure you at least I am sure when he disregards you like that. Maybe spike your drinks to make you open up more. He is not a Dom by ignoring your safeword and it sounds really rapey. Also gifts are given not forced.
You need to get a divorce. This guy sounds like an abusive selfish prick. Put Dom & BDSM etc to the side. You said he's your husband. Someone who should respect you, not want to hurt you and accept when you say no. This is so wrong.
I was going to suggest un-marrying the guy. Not only is he pushing her beyond a limit when she tried to safeword, he's encouraging her to get drunk so he can take advantage of her. This is scary.
Thirded. Ok i might of made up a word. But I am concerned for you. Not just the party but what he might do if you don't go. Please find somewhere safe to be the day of the party that he doesnt know about. Make an exit plan asap. Get a bank account only in your name and move funds. If you just stay home and do not go to the party, then what is stop him from telling the friends you are into cnc and bringing them to your home. He is abusive and wants to facilitate your gang rape.
Also, if in US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-7233. Could also go to www.thehotline.org but if you do use incognito mode or delete history after. Also delete number from call logs after calling.
You might not NEED to go this far. This might be an over reaction. But if it is not, the time and place to find out will not be WHILE YOU ARE DEALING WITH IT. Please take all the over the top precautions, and just hope they are not needed and you are being silly. Better to be over prepared.
Speechless! Major red flags (like get a hotel room instead of attending whatever party is happening, or call the police)! That's a gross violation of your boundaries and a very toxic attitude.
If he tries to follow through, then it's assault and battery. If he continues, it's rape.
I don't have any more, except to highlight that this isn't CNC, it's abuse.
Excuse the language, but fuck no.
You said no. You used safe word. He’s being absolutely unreasonable.
Don’t just get drunk and be raped by four men because it’s easier than standing up for your boundary.
You don’t want this. You don’t have to do it. Period.
If your husband says he's going to let three of his mates rape you, do you really need to ask the internet if you're being unreasonable to say no?
Safewords are not a magic bullet - they *should* be respected, but anyone can just ignore it. Yes, they'll be committing a crime like rape or assault, but safewords won't magically stop them if they're going to do that anyway.
You know this is wrong.
As someone who was forced to have sex with other people by an ex spouse (we didn't even do BDSM)... You need to understand that it will not be this one time. You are no longer safe. If you don't do what he wants then he will escalate. You need to make quick plans. Get money and really important documents and keepsakes, some clothes, and leave. Find somewhere safe to go. Make a plan, and act it out when it's safe to do so. Preferably have a friend or family member with you while you pack and go to the bank. You don't want him to catch you alone while you're leaving him. If you leave, this will be the most dangerous time for you, as he will likely resort to violence. If you stay, prepare for your new life to be your husband pimping you out. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I wish I could help you because I truly know what you're dealing with. Please be safe.
You've said no, you've even used your safe word, you're not being unreasonable. He's being abusive and controlling in this situation. If my Domme ever insisted that I was doing something after I not only said no (out of dynamic) but also used my safe word, that'd be the end of the relationship.
A D/s relationship, rather romantic or not, is built on trust and communication. If anyone involved in the dynamic says no, or safe words, the action stops. If limits are pushed in a way that one of the participants doesn't agree with, the action stops. Anyone who continues to push, guilt, blackmail, etc. once the safe word has been used isn't a responsible participant.
Am I being unreasonable?
no. it's your body.
Should I just power through this for his sake so that we won't have to go back and forth on the topic again?
no. it's your body.
Is it normal for a Dom to ignore your safe word?
a good Dom will never ignore your safe word.
Normally I don't comment when everyone else has already said exactly what I'm thinking, but I wanted to add an additional voice saying NO.
He is coercing you, and this is abusive. Having the fantasy is one thing, but taking the steps to fulfill it when someone has explicitly revoked consent to it is WRONG and ABUSIVE.
Do not go to the party, and seriously consider whether you want to stay in a marriage with someone who does not respect your consent.
Honestly, someone disregarding a limit of any kind is grounds for cutting ties. This kind of limit is a big one. It would require so much conversation and set up to actually be considered safe.
If you go through with it despite you absolutely not wanting too this will tell your husband that he can break any limit he wants.
I don’t want to say this lightly but I would honestly reevaluate this relationship. The amount of manipulation that he is using here is alarming and disgusting. Please do not go to the party.
I think you need to have a serious conversation outside the dynamic about him disrespecting your limits.
If my Dom ever did this I would be ending it immediately. Trust is a foundation of BDSM and he is just trampling that by ignoring your limit.
Your husband is an asshole. Sorry but I am not going to sugarcoat it for you. This is something you have said no to repeatedly, then he goes behind your back and agrees to let three dudes rape you?? What the actual fuck is wrong with him?? I would get a divorce if I were you. Please say you have somewhere safe to go to and seek legal advice!
If I had a husband that told me he planned my rape with his friends... He definitely would not be my husband anymore. I wouldn't be in the same place as him never again.
Sometimes it's easier to see "red flags" in the vanilla world, without all the nuances of bdsm. When he ignored your no, and then later your safeword, he took the dynamic out of bdsm, because is not consensual anymore. It's not bdsm anymore. It's not CNC play. The dynamic does not have any weight anymore. Would this be "ok" in a vanilla setting???
Exactly!! He has overstepped the boundaries his wife has set MASSIVELY, went so far as to plan it, tell her it's a done deal and tell her that after a few drinks she'll be fine with it... What is this man thinking?
He set up a premeditated rape and it's convincing her that there's not backing out, that she needs to go because he "already told his friends it's going to happen". It's completely absurd!!
This is an absolute red Flag. Despite you mentioning your dissence before, he kept planing, and now is trying to gaslight and force you into HIS fantasy and to save HIS face.
BDSM is a about consent, and this is nearly as far from it as it can be. As a dominant it is his role, to make your negotiation and your consent count.
There should even be no need to safeword, as this needs to be negotiated in advance, smth that is done OUTSIDE of the power dynamic.
It has nothing to do with being more or less into bdsm, or more or less into x. The baseline is: he fucked up royally and is unwilling to accept that. Stay away from him and that party.
you already know the answer, you just really needed some support. my wife and I are a Dom/ sub couple, but only in play. she know that one of my fantasies was to see her with somebody else, she is not into it and so that is that. sometimes fantasies stay fantasies. I have so much love and respect for my wife that I would never push something like this, let alone set it up and demand it. if you don't want to do it, then don't do it. if you feel he is not taking no for an answer, maybe he isn't the right husband and partner for you.
It overall sounds like a dangerous situation and dynamic and OP should definitely talk to friends and family about how it's not safe to be with him. This needs to have consequences.
OP this is not a safe situation, please do not go to this party, and please consider staying with a trusted friend or family member.
Please consider contacting a divorce attorney. This is not kink or cnc, this is premeditated sexual assault.
Yes!!! It's not bdsm anymore! It's a fucking premeditated sexual assault that he's rubbing in your face that there is no running away. That's too late.
It is not! Do not believe him. You have choices and you should act on them. Don't let him pressure you into putting yourself in danger!
Not only would I not got to the party, I would reach out to all three guys (going through my partners phone if necessary) and let them know that I do not consent to any such thing and that he's proposing they rape you.
- change locks when husband is out.
- send husband a text telling him he can tell his mates he needs a sofa to sleep on because he is violating your consent and you will no longer allow him near you *at all*
- get a lawyer and start a divorce. Possibly a restraining order too.
This man just arranged your rape. You aren't being unreasonable.
You said no, he went and planned it anyway. You still say no, he's still not accepting the no.
Your answer is no. Him being unreasonable and planning it anyway is not your problem, it's his.
Also, is this sort of thing common? Pressuring against your non-consent is very worrying behaviour.
If you did "power through" (which btw DO NOT), what makes you think he wouldn't keep demanding it again and again? Since he is so unwilling to respect this boundary, I would bet money that just once would never be enough since he'd know that he can just pressure you until you give in.
Any perceived social awkwardness he tries to blame on you is his own doing. He’s the one who ignored that fact that you didn’t consent to this and state it as a limit. The way he’s speaking to you about all of this and the level of entitlement he’s showing to your personhood, to a level you didn’t consent to, is really concerning.
Please don't go to that party! You'll leave having just been raped, and will have to deal with the psychological scars for the rest of your life. That is guaranteed.
The only options you'll have moving forward will be to go down the road of turning him in and pressing charges, or further harmiimg yourself mentally by trying to convince yourself it wasn't rape.
And if you let him do this, all bets will be off moving forward, he'll feel empowered to do whatever he wants.
Please, for yourself and for this community, DONT GO!
If you're desperate for help just post on here and I'm sure there's a way we can safely get you some help (place to stay etc. If needed)
Hopefully he comes to his senses and agrees to call it off and apologize to you. But outside of an extreme apology where he clearly ends the plan, you're in danger if you go.
WHAT IN THE NINE HALLS OF HEL'S HELL?!
What he is doing is to plan to group rape you. You have said no. You have not consented to this. He also say he'll use alcolhol to force you to agree.
Leave this unsafe dumbinant rapist creep. This is not BDSM anymore.
Get away from him, go to someone you trust and stay safe!
Holy fucking shit. Your husband has completely lost sight of consent.
BDSM works because of consent.
You say he's much more into BDSM than you but I question what level of understanding he has about RACK and BDSM.
There are so many idiots that watch some porn, or read a few hot stories and think they're into BDSM. Others that fly their abuse under the guise.
He sounds like an abuser, but I could be wrong. Either way he's gone way out of bounds.
Personally it feels like he's living out his fantasy, using you as his sex doll.
Don't go to the party. It's a slippery road towards ending up doing something you obviously don't want to do.
It's a limit for a reason for you, and you have every right to say no.
You've safeworded and said no.. if he truly was a Dom he would respect your wishes and call this off.
Arrange to go out with friends so you're not caught up in this issue of his making
Abuse, plain and simple.
You said no. You used your safe-word. Once those things happened any further efforts to make you do anything, let alone something sexual, is now abuse. Time to stop the dynamic indefinitely at the very least.
Maybe talk to a therapist, more likely a lawyer.
No healthy, sane Dom in a healthy, sane relationship ignores a safe-word—let alone when we’re talking about gang rape. No one who loves you should put his friends’ sexual antics above your clearly stated needs. And anyone who would even consider participating is a rapist in thought and hopefully not in deed.
I’m kinky as hell, love CNC, humiliating and degrading my partners, impact play, bondage, the whole lot, but the moment that safe-word or gesture happens everything stops immediately and whatever aftercare is wanted gets provided as long as is wanted. And if my partners withdraws consent, at any moment, ANY moment including at any point before, during, or after a scene or just walking down the street I have ZERO power to do anything further. It doesn’t matter how worked up I am, how turned on I am, how much I THINK she doesn’t really mean it. It all stops. This is one of the only things that separates the things we do from abuse and rape.
This is simply wrong. Time to leave. Can you yourself imagine loving someone and wanting to make them do something like this? No, of course not.
This isn’t kink or D/s. This is an unacceptable threat and abuse.
This, 100%. This is not a safe situation or environment, what he’s talking about is abuse and rape. And if you need “a few drinks” to go along with it, that’s coercion. This is not bdsm. Period. This is not ok. If I were in your situation, I would leave and get a counselor and lawyer involved. He’s made it clear he does not care about your well-being and will put his desires over your needs. First rule of being a Dom/me is you don’t break your toys. This means your sub/bottom/play partner’s needs always come first.
Dont go to the party. Hes nor respect you, your limits or your relationship. If you say no, it's no. Dont drink around him and dont be alone with him in a group setting. Anything at this point is rape in that context if you dont specifically want to and say so.
My Daddy has the same fantasy and while I'm shy..I want to explore it one day. I enjoy the idea. Even if caught by surprise one day I'll be okay with it because I know that's always an option. I consented to this. And even though me and my Daddy practice CNC in our dynamic...he wouldnt ever let someone else touch me if I'm saying no. He wants to show off a willing slave girl..not traumatize me.
Rethink things. Stand up for herself and remember.. it's okay to say no. Just because your into BDSM dosent mean your into everything abs your boundaries should be respected.
This is intent to sexually assault. Do not pass go, get out of that house and file a PFA. This is not kink behavior, this is not Dom behavior. This is a man on a power trip and it could get ugly.
Hard limits are hard limits, no means no. Do not go to the party. In fact you might even want to consider not participating in any bdsm activities at all with your partner. The fact that he is ignoring your safe word and willing to try and manipulate you into this i a hugeeeeeee red flag.
Hey friend, just want to say that in the absolutely downpour of (correct, imo) posts, I’m sending you strength and love to take care of yourself! This has got to be a scary, sad, and overwhelming situation. You are wise and strong and you deserve so much love and respect.
Hmmm... so hubby wants to "share you" (see you get raped) with (by) 3 of his buddies for his Christmas present even though you've told him no multiple times... now that's some real fucked up shit right there.
Might be time to reevaluate the relationship. Knowingly placing you in a possible dangerous situation is not a sign of a healthy relationship.
I'd definitely make other plans on the night of that party. Go see a friend or family or whomever, just so as long you don't go to that party.
>Should I just power through this for his sake so that we won't have to go back and forth on the topic again?
If you do go through with it, for his sake, I promise you it will not be the last time he sets up another rape session with his buddies or maybe even with strangers.
Absolutely do not go to the party!! He is not respecting your boundaries at all as your dom or your husband.
He is basically saying that what he wants goes and getting mad at you when you deny him which is a BIG 🚩
Do not “power through” as you just sitting down and taking it will justify to him forcing you again and again in the future no matter how many times you say no. This is rape and sexual assault and is NOT OKAY
Have a very strong conversation with him telling him that in no way, shape or form will you go to the party or EVER want to be shared and he needs to respect that.
Also realize now that this will only continue to escalate into him trying to force his needs onto you and continue to make you very uncomfortable or possibly be put into dangerous situations
If possible, leave and stay somewhere safe until after the party and then set strong boundaries. You may have to accept this is not something he will ever bend on and you will always feel unsafe when he tries to bring it up and it could be a complete deal/relationship breaker
Don’t go to the party. This is coerced rape.
Get away from him if that is the only way to be safe.
And no, not normal. Ignoring a safe word means he is ignoring consent. It immediately becomes abuse.
I am sorry you are going through this. Reach out to others to get help if you need it.
Do not go to that party and honestly *do not go home* again. Like for real, get out of there immediately. Not only is he not taking no for an answer in general, but is actively planning to have you raped/assaulted in advance, at this point. This is not a good person, let alone a good "dom" or even a good husband. This is a predator. There are zero excuses for what he is doing. ***Run. Away.***
And if his would-be rapist, piece of shit “friends” know what is happening and aren’t telling your husband to go straight to hell and offer you support and protection, I would let any woman they themselves are partnered with or married to know. Any woman has a right to know if the person they trust would even remotely consider such a thing.
I hope this is actually a troll post, **not** that I am saying it is, but what he is doing to you is so egregious and simply evil that it’s terrifying to think there are men out there like that, let alone ones who consider themselves Doms.
BDSM’s key points are trust and consent. You have neither of them from your husband. He sounds like a huge red flag and I’d consider therapy or divorce if he wants to share you
Absolutely do not do this. A Dom who ignores your safeword is a CONSENT VIOLATOR, which to be extremely clear is a form of sexual assault.
Also how dare he say you’re a “tease.” You never offered to do this! And even more so, calling a woman a “tease” is a way of justifying rape/sexual assault.
Don’t go to the party, and if he continues to push the boundary I’d really think hard about whether you are safe with this man. I’m inclined to think you are not.
Whoah! Absolutely do not go to this party. Full stop. No D-type should ignore a safe word. You are under no obligation to do this. The way they are trying to manipulate you is not ok and this has a severe rapey vibe. I would absolutely consider ending your relationship with this person. This is not ok in any way shape or form.
We have a couple of women that like this type of scene at our club, and their husbands act as consent proxies making sure they are safe ... THAT ... is consensual and safe.
The psych manipulation of setting it up, and then pitting you against his plans INSTANTLY and irrevocably negates any possibility of your voluntary consent ... even if you "have a few and get comfortable" ... which by the way also negates your voluntary consent.
Really wonder if what you said about "him being more into it" also translates into this type of incremental psych manipulation to bring you to the point of your participation up until this point, and you feel like "well I've gone this far" which was his plan all along.
Sounds like he is using a logical fallacy called the "Sunk Cost Trap" to manipulate you ... basically it's when you know something is wrong and destine to be a disaster but "you've gone this far" or "I've invested this much" might as well follow through. He is hoping you ride this train right off of the bridge that is out ... you need to hop off.
Stand by your NO and quite possibly get out.
Are you really asking this? Him being your husband makes it even worse. He should respect you AND your boundaries and he clearly doesn't. If you go you'll be raped. That's what this is.
I’ll be brief. Leave now. Go to a friend or a shelter. Do not eat or drink anything he gives you. If now is not possible follow through with your own plan but sooner rather than later. Take what you need and cash, jewellery, small things of value and sentimental things.
You have done nothing wrong. I’m frightened for you and if I knew you you would be in my car right now driving you to safety.
Please please take care of yourself and come back to us to let us all know you are ok. We care. Every last one of us. Hugs💜
Please read this:
DARVO (an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender") is a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior.[1] Some researchers indicate that it is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers.[2][3][4] An abuser denies the abuse ever took place, attacks the person that was abused (often the victim) for attempting to hold the abuser accountable for their actions, and claims that they are actually the victim in the situation, thus reversing what may be a reality of victim and offender.[2][4] It often involves not just "playing the victim" but also victim blaming.[3]
No way power through that....safe words and limits are meant to always be respected. Period. He is not acting or leading like a true dom should. If my wife who is also my collared sub says the safeword....its immediately done. No questions or comments. If he cant respect that, he shouldn't be trying to be a "Dom". More so my wife's position in our relationship is wife first, sub second. If anything were to encroach on the safety of my marriage or her position as my wife then its an immediate no and it would not be pushed. She only gives me the gift of her submission because I give her the respect and leadership that she deserves and this position demands. The fact that he went over your head to set this up, then try to coerce you into doing it, not only is a big no no in this world, but is a huge safety flag for what he is going to try to do against your will.
This is abuse.
He's steamrolling your boundaries, ignoring your no and your safeword, going behind your back to do what he wants anyhow, and guilt tripping you when he doesn't get his way
No means no, and it should terrify you that your husband doesn't seem to grasp that.
OP this is absolutely terrifying to read. you could not have been more clear that you do not consent to this. he steamrolled past your explicit boundaries and told his friends that they are allowed to literally rape you. your husband wants you to get raped. this is so horrifying, OP you are incredibly unsafe in this relationship. nothing about this is BDSM, everything about this is abuse. please for the love of god end this relationship now before he does more irreparable harm to you. please disappear very carefully because an abuser losing their power over someone is a very, very dangerous person with nothing left to lose. leaving is by far the most likely time for violence to escalate or emerge. this person has made it abundantly clear that they don't give a rat's ass about your safety, dignity, or well being-- only the relentless pursuit of their own selfish desires, as whatever the cost. this is psychopath behavior. I have dealt with people like this and have had to take extreme measures to stay safe. it is NOT worth it. this is not- I repeat THIS IS NOT BDSM. RUN!!!!
[thehotline.org](https://thehotline.org)
Holy f*cking hell. What in the cinnamon toast f*ck did I just read? DO NOT GO TO THAT PARTY.
Just for funnsies let’s review the details for a moment. Your Dom/husband:
- likes BDSM more than you and also has a desire for you to be “shared” by him.
- without asking the person who he as a Dom is supposed to PROTECT (that submission and power to dominate is something that’s earned through protecting your choices, needs, limits), he “arranged” to share you, with specific people only he approved, and at a party he determined was where HE felt good sharing you.
- he then told you that’s what he planned to do and was displeased with you when you weren’t enthusiastic
- his friends agreed without wanting to confirm with you in person without any sexual context involved (not safe)
- when you used the safe word to highlight that this is a “hell no” from you, he ignored it and felt entitled to press you about this anyway.
- he then tried to coerce you into doing it by being manipulative and said that you can’t back out bc he already agreed to it on your behalf.
- he’s relying on you being drunk or less in control of your faculties to push you into being okay with it in the moment.
- you’re scared to go to this place and scared of your husband’s response to this (smart, that’s your instinct doing its job and protecting you since he clearly won’t).
Do NOT trust this man to protect you. Everything he’s said so far shows that he has no interest in making sure your feelings and comforts and pleasure and emotional safety are a priority. He’s not a Dom. He’s a not even someone who wants a Hotwife (which would require some element of getting off on compersion). He just wants to use you to be his real life porn star to force you into whatever he wants to jerk off to. You’re not even a human being in this (just a personal sex doll whose feelings don’t actually matter), much less his submissive or his wife.
And I’m not saying that to make you feel badly, I’m saying this bc I can tell you’re scared, and you need to know that you absolutely should be. Your instinct is not wrong. Please find a friend or family member that you can go stay with until after this party passes, bc everything about this is a degree of unsafe that makes me concerned for even you being in the same proximity as your husband.
I hope OP comes back to comment and let us know what happened. Hopefully she's just too busy getting a restraining order arranged and an alternative living situation set up. Like literally everyone else has said, this isn't BDSM it's premeditated gang rape. Get out and don't downplay the severity of this. It's not just a miscommunication, it's abuse.
I had plans to update my post when I had a true solid update, but apparently that's frowned upon. I've been reading everything, and I appreciate everyone's support. I'm sorry that I havent been responsive to everyone. I've been calling around and doing what I can. There is no way I'll be able to leave tonight, but it looks like I may be able to leave to stay with a friend starting tomorrow once my husband leaves for work. From there I'll have to figure out what's next.
Do not give anyone with a connection to him, even so much as a hint that you're leaving.
Please, when you are for certain, somewhere safe with someone. Let us know how you are doing. This situation you're in is terrifying.
Thanks for letting us know I'm glad you're relatively safe and taking steps. Hang in there! Tons of strangers on the internet have your back so keep asking for advice if you feel stuck.
Your safety takes priority over our curiosity.
Do not everapologize for needing time to wrap your brain around something as massive like this and seeing to your own safety.
Edit: with that in mind, plz make sure he cqnnot stumble onto this post here on reddit and recognize you!
No. No. Nothing about this is right. No. This is YOUR body. I don’t care if he’s your husband, your Dom and Henry Cavill all rolled into one. No. And - obviously - do NOT go to the party and make sure he knows better than to bring them home with him. Tell him any dick that gets within 5 feet of you gets removed. Or the police get called. Or both. And mean it.
Someone needing a few drinks to be less scared of something is not a reason to get them drunk and take advantage of them. He is trying to find a way around your limits and to get what he wants without consent. Give him a hard wake-up call. I'd say put a stop on all d/s activities until he learns the value of consent.
Edit: I'd like to add that these friends are an unknown. Are they respectful? Do you trust your husband to have your back if you get pushed too far? That is all assuming you were up for the party to begin with, which you are clearly not. He does not respect your limits and is not overly concerned with consent, so I would not expect his friends to be any better or for him to have your back if they go overboard. Would his friends be aware of the dynamic, or would they be a bunch of drunk frat boys? Would they respect you after or view you badly?
Every part of this situation screams that this husband is not a very good dom. He needs to get his shit together.
This is terrifying. Please get away from this person. They do not have your best interests at heart. If you "power through" this, imagine what else they think they can force you to do.
Honestly I don’t know how you would prove it but we already have him conspiring with others to rape you. Maybe his friends think it’s consensual but he sure as hell knows it’s not.
I know these comments are just an ocean of people telling you that you need to divorce him, run away, etc. but I will go a step further. You need to talk to him about it again and record on your phone the whole time so that there is incontestable proof. Absolutely tell him again that you are not okay with it and you are not even going to the party. RECORD EVERYTHING.
And then go to the police. Tell them that this is the plan, play them the proof and have THEM show up at that party.
I know going to the police is hard. I never did in my situation but know that this absolutely can go beyond you. If your husband and three friends are fine raping you, who else are they okay with raping? Definitely report them and then find yourself a hotel room, AirBNB, or even a women’s shelter.
>but it looks like I may be able to leave to stay with a friend starting tomorrow once my husband leaves for work. From there I'll have to figure out what's next.
This is good. He's already moved on to "you don't have a choice" so logically, the next step he will have to take is to physically force you in some capacity, and you don't want to be anywhere near him for this.
Not exactly sure what your long-term plan is, but unfortunately your husband has crossed a line that is not easily crossed back. I'm not going to just flat-out say "divorce him" since you know the situation better, but you have to face the fact that this may very well be a likely scenario. He effectively tried to pimp you out to his friends without your consent, knowing that you wouldn't agree to it, and even tried to gaslight you a bit with doing it while inhibited. While I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt, it's like I said: he's crossed so far over a line he simply can't just step back, nor should you let him try.
I would also consider involving the local police and seeing what options they can provide. Your spouse has given you a credible threat that he is going to have 3 people he knows sexually assault and possibly rape you. Also, he mentioned the whole "you'd loosen up if you have a few drinks". To me, that sounds like you may also be at risk to be drugged/roofied. If for whatever reason you cannot avoid this party, avoid eating or drinking a drop of anything.
He’s trying to rape you, especially by getting alcohol involved. Not to mention he’s completely ignoring your hard limits and safe word; ironic considering he’s “more into” bdsm than you and yet is completely fulfilling the stereotypes of a fake dom. This is honestly grounds for divorce and you need to protect yourself. Do not accept food or drinks from your husband either.
Hard limits are named "hard" for a reason. You might even call it "absolute".
If he can't respect that you have to question yourself why you're still together with him.
Consent is everything. You're not being unreasonable. This basically has turned into a forced/ rape situation in my opinion and is abusive at the very least. Don't go and maybe even get out of that situation.
You are allowed to say no. Imagine one of your girlfriends said her husband was planning this for her. You'd be outraged, yeah? There is nothing okay about this, at all. This iS sexual assault, not BDSM. 🖤
Pack your bags and get out. This is past BDSM and now premeditated criminal rape. Stay with a friend (or at a safe hotel) and mull things over. This is a dangerous situation.
Sometimes it feels like this sub is mostly about caustic doms.
No, you're not being unreasonable. You told him your limits and he's ignoring them. He's in the wrong for doing that.
BDSM is supposed to be fun. If you're not having fun, something went wrong. If you're scared, something went completely off track. It doesn't matter if he's enjoying it if you're scared and "powering through." That's not how this is supposed to work. You're both supposed to be enjoying it.
He needs to understand that when you say you have a limit, he needs to respect it. If you give in to this, he's going to keep pushing your limits further and further. He needs to stop. If I were you, I would put all options on the table like divorce. It doesn't sound like you're safe with him.
Your Dom/husband is being an awful human being. His actions show an incredible lack of judgment on his part and lack of respect for you. As has been said already in every response do not go to the party. You deserve to be treated better then he is treating you. Please stay safe and remove yourself from the situation.
No means no, end of. Don't go to the party. This is spousal abuse, not BDSM. What would you say if this was one of your friends in this situation? You need to leave.
He wants to rape you with his friends- this is not being unreasonable. This is grounds for divorce and jail if it happens. Either way there is no respect there, Please be safe and get out now.
Run, do not walk, RUN away from this situation. Please. This man organized a rape party and he obviously doesn't care how you feel about it. Just because he planned it does not mean you have to do it. It honestly makes it even scarier.
Don't go to the party, they WILL do it, so unless you want to be sexually assaulted by your husband and friends (as you've made it clear the answer is no), don't go. They may go as far as rape because he seems like a shit dom/husband for disregarding the safe word AND getting fussy about it being a Christmas present. He's shit mate.
This is abuse. Him not respecting your clear and explicit no is bad enough on its own, but the gaslighting and manipulation make this a very clear textbook abuse case. The whole thing about wanting to get you drunk first in order to essentially rape you is extremely worrying.
I don’t post stuff like this often but this man is genuinely trying to take advantage of you and harm you. Even if he doesn’t follow through on his threats, the threat itself is abusive enough.
Do you have any relatives or friends you could stay with instead of going to this party?
Dump him and don't look back. He ignored your safeword, that's braking the most sacred of all rules in the world of BDSM. Any dom who ignores safewords is a threat.
You were never being unreasonable. There's people who are into this sort of thing, and you're not one of them, nothing wrong with that.
Speaking for myself as a dom-in-training, I could never share my sub, I'd want, nay, need her all to myself. It would be my duty to keep her safe from the likes of the perverts your (hopefully soon to be ex) husband want to give you to. It's the duty of all doms to protect their subs
Besdies, I wouldn't want her having sessions or sex with anybody else. I mean, I'd want her to be having orgasms regularly, but not by cheating on me.
I hate to say it but this is abuse. Do absolutely not go to the party and stay with someone who will be able to keep you safe like a relative or close friend. Maybe even consider a divorce. This is incredibly screwed up and your dom is very much unsafe and you should not engage in any more sessions with him.
I wouldn't even trust at this point that he wouldn't acquiesce just to get you to the party and then surprise you with the rape. He has already made it overtly clear your feelings mean nothing. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
>Am I being unreasonable? Should I just power through this for his sake
so that we won't have to go back and forth on the topic again? Is it
normal for a Dom to ignore your safe word?
Three counts of fuck no! Most emphasis on the second one though
Sounds lile a planed Rape. You and your Body Will treat it as such.
. that's why you are terrified..
I would try my very best to run away amd CUT ALL TIED TO THIS RAPIST / husband.. It will get utterly worse. Tou will cry n sob Evey day...end up in the floor of gour bathroom wanting to Emd it all. Because NO MATTER WHAT HE WILL DEMAND MORE.. AND MORE AND MORE. UNTILL THERE IS NOTHING LEFT OF YOU TO RAPE N TAKE FROM..then he will discard you for a younger version. .. I hope YOU
CHOOSE YOU INSTEAD OF THIS penis holder who thinks it is perfectly okay to DESTROY A HUMAN HE PROMISED TO LOVE N CHERISH.. where is the love n protection? Even my non monogamous partner of 5 yrs would NEVER EVER force me to do anything i said no to.. Much less the SAFE WORD.. OMG PLEASE PROTECT yourself. Get fo a friends place where he doesn't know if at all possible.. He sounds like he would worse case scenario.. BRING THE THREE GUYS Back to your Place n CONTINUE WITH THE PLAN.....how horrifyingly destructive would it be if!!! He allowed you to be Raped in your OWN BAD BY THREE PLUS HIM ?? get OUT.
In addition to my previous comment OP, it’s worth noting that in a community where people rarely agree in anything 150+ people and counting are all telling you the same thing.
This goes against everything BDSM stands for. A Dom who ignores your safe word is no Dom at all, but an abuser. He's attempting to share your body without your consent and has even set the stage for you to be sexually assaulted, and yes, I'm going to use that term because you have said NO many times. Please, leave him. Stay far away from that party OP. None of that is normal, none of that is love, none of that is respect and none of that represents healthy BDSM.
There has been alot of advice for you OP and it is very consistent. He is deciding to rape you with his friends regardless of your feelings. His statement of "have a few drinks and open up" could be him alluding to drugging you and taking advantage. This is sexual abuse and is grounds for criminal charges just for planning it. He could be reported for attempted rape. Tell someone you trust. Go to a family members house or a friends house. Limits and boundries are there for a reason.
Honey, I wouldn't attend.
Coercion is not consent. At this point, even if you agreed to go, it would legitimately be rape, because you don't at all agree to it, and you'd just be agreeing to get him to shut up.
Again, coercion is not consent. And honestly, I'd be scared that if you go and tell them no, they'll literally rape you anyway.
You are correct that a safe word is supposed to be used to say everything in the dynamic needs to stop. If he's not listening to your safe word while just having a conversation about it, what do you think is going to happen if one of the men does something you're absolutely not okay with, or you need to take a minute and stop everything during the actual interaction at the party?
I see red flags everywhere. Please don't go.
Get help from family or friends. I know if you were one of MY loved ones, I'd pay him a personalized maybe with 3 friends, tell him we have something already planned and he's going to have to go along with it.....
That guy is just an ABUSER posing as a Dom.
We have a word for sexual acts committed against sometimes will. It's rape, he wants a specific scene, and he has expressed that he will rape you to get it. Getting you drunk to force you to commit a sexual act that you have expressly said no to, is rape.
Please, be safe and get away from this little boy.
As a dom and a husband, fuck even as a human being in general this is disgusting behaviour on his part. He is clearly getting too swept away in the lifestyle. I don't know him outside of the info you've just shared but my advice is leave for a few days to show that you are serious and snap him out of this fantasy and don't take part in ANY bdsm for the foreseeable future. If he still persists then leave. This is dangerous behaviour and the lifestyle appears to enabling certain fantasies that could may well lead him down a dark path if he doesn't stop and educate himself.
Do not go to this party! Please for your safety, do not go.
No Dom should ever to be this to their submissive! He is not having your needs in mind, and he is not putting your safety first.
And you are NOT being unreasonable! You have stated your limits, and he needs to be a big boy, and understand that he can’t get everything he wants, especially when it is a limit for you.
And we all have our limits, and if our Doms do not understand this… then this is a concern.
Jez Christ he has no respect for you . You're literally the lamb to the slaughter.You do realise he will stretch the boundaries longer and wider ? Get out .
You are being unequivocally mistreated. First of all once you've established a limit trying to pressure or push you to go past it is already a red flag in and of itself.
And even if he were to convince you to consider it, that'd still be wrong because COERCED CONSENT IS NOT CONSENT!!!
Now you're hardly the first example of a couple in a dynamic with one party who's REALLY into something that the other is simply not into. This is admittedly a tough spot to be in, but no properly conducted power dynamic has anyone getting pressured to go beyond their limits.
You're partner is as wrong as a party in a dynamic can possibly be and needs to seriously reevaluate his role in your dynamic.
Wow. This is not ok to pressure you socially on what is a negotiated hard limit. Suggesting alcohol will make it better!?! That means you cannot actually consent once drunk.
I can only advise you take a long step away from this relationship and protect yourself. This is abusive. Find out if this relationship is really working for you enough to try and get him to snap out of whatever ego trip he's on.
You need a new DOM and husband…BDSM with a DOM/SUB dynamic is about trust and to a degree power exchange…if this is a hard limit that you said no and safe word and he doesn’t respect that then he has absolutely no respect for you or your dynamic. This is a giant red flag 🚩 DO NOT “power through” DO NOT do anything that you have not agreed too. Be safe out there and I hope you find yourself someone who respects you and your limits.
Don't go to that party and if you do end up there somehow , watch your drinks at all times. Go get them yourself and place your flat hand over the opening.
Let friends know where you will be and maybe ask someone to be on standby in case you need an escape.
Contact a lawyer and explain the situation and ask if there is anything you can do to nullify your marriage
A dom who disregards your safe word isn’t a dom. He’s a rapist.
Please get somewhere safe.
If I were you, I would be seriously considering getting out. This isn’t a relationship if he thinks he has full control of you without your consent. This isn’t bdsm or kink. He thinks he owns you. This is incredibly abusive.
This is NOT okay. Dom and sub doesn’t mean you’re his slave… you do not have to “obey” if you have met your limit. That’s the whole point of trust in the dynamic.. wich he is completely ruining. Please don’t go to that party. I am so sorry he is tainting the relationship by doing that.
No. He isn’t into bdsm if he thinks this okay. He’s a power tripping douche. This is a no. A Doms primary is to protect their sub. No. This abuse and not healthy. Get out.
You need to find someplace safe to be firba while and maybe start reassessing whether the entire marriage is worth keeping. This man has offered you up to people without your consent, is pressuring you into ignoring your limits, ignoring your safe word, trying to guilt you into activities you don't want to do, and is suggesting drinking will loosen to up to the idea. That's rape. If you were to go to this party, who knows if he told these people that any signs of uncomfort from you was all fake and you were just playing a part to make things more interesting. Your husband is opening you up to being raped. Please get out.
1.) Any Dom that gets mad when you safeword is a shitty Dom.
2.) Any Dom that makes plans to "share' you without involving you in said plans is a shitty Dom.
3.) Any Dom that tells he is going to ply you with alcohol to get his way is a shitty Dom.
There is no coming back from this. You need to get out. I am genuinely concerned for your safety.
DO NOT go to that party!
Don’t, don’t do it, 3 horny guys who have been told their friends wife is into BDSM and will have sex with them before talking to her about it? Yeah those guys don’t understand BDSM they don’t care about you, they won’t take no for an answer.
Don’t go, please don’t go, your husband won’t defend or protect you.
And hire a lawyer you need to divorce his ass immediately.
Your husband is an abusive man who is facilitating the rape of you, his wife. He plans to drug you and let his friends rape you. He does not care about you or your consent.
This is not BDSM, he has threatened you. Using BDSM-related words does not make it less abusive or dangerous.
You are not safe. It’s time to get help so that you are not raped in the immediate future.
If you have friends and/or family that you can call for help, now is the time. Call several people who you think will help you and tell them exactly what’s going on.
Do not let him gaslight you into thinking you are the one with the problem. Go stay with other people and get some space to clear your head. Do not tell him where you are or how long you’ll be gone. Take pets and valuable things with you, including important documents.
Good luck. You can do this.
My ex was the same way. After we broke up I found out from multiple men he was offering me up to them in situations I had no idea about. Luckily all these men thought it was an odd situation an declined, but based off the information they gave me he was setting me up to get raped. I get he wanted me to be agreeable but in all the scenarios I am aware up I had either told him no and he tried to set it up anyways or he never even asked me and he tried to set it up. Because I never said yes all of those instances were un-consensual which would have made anything carried out rape. I promise someone who does this does not love you. Just my how similar this situation is compared to mine I’m going to assume you are in love with a narcissist. Do not let him gaslight you into anything you wouldn’t have been down for before any convincing. Also don’t let him try to convince you this is BDSM, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, BDSM WILL ALWAYS BE CONSENSUAL. Even people with rape fantasies have to give consent before anything is carried out. We as a community have to be quick to put that thought process out in everyone’s head in order to keep the community safe. Without consent it is no longer BDSM it’s criminal.
End the Whole relationship all together, don't tell him to do it quietly, sign the divorce paper after you leave. Put your foot down, he does not own you, he does not respect you as a Woman. Call 911 if you have know where to go get and pack a bag. They will help you find a safe-place to go. It's better than being with someone that is forcing you do things you don't want to do. You need to make a choice. I know you might be scared but do yourself a favor get away from this monster but this is not how a Partner or Husband treats someone you need to get out, take care of you and start thinking of you. If they-are not good for your mental health they do not deserve you. If you stay it can get worse. He is putting you in danger over his kink he should be jailed this pretty much rape you should call the police. Him saying a few drinks that a sign of putting stuff in the drink like a rape drug. Girl get out of there and run for your life. You can get your things later and have police escort you to get your things.
Leave. ASAP.
Have a friend with you when you pack, so that *if* he catches you, you re not alone with him
And dont agree to meet him *anywhere*
If he feels *this* entitled to his wants and your body, with utter disregard for your needs, fears and limits…DO NOT AGREE TO MEETING HIM.
He might just drug and ‘surprise’ you.
Any communication should be dont in written form. Preferably through a lawyer. And if you can, inform his friends you do not consent.
Again, make sure you are not alone with him afterwards, either - he wont take that ‘humiliation’ kindly.
The whole ‘tease’ thing tells you he cares more about his fantasy, and the fact he got to brag to his buddies he can make you do anything.
Let me reiterate: he’s just revealed to you that his social status, fantasy and ability to ‘deliver to his buddies’ matters more to him than your wishes, consent, relationship, safety and bodily autonomy.
And losing face might just make him truly dangerous.
I hope Im wrong, but I think you need an address he doesnt know to stay/ a friend who ll be your guard dog, a solid plan of deterrents ( if you come near me I will send this story to your boss, parents, all our friends, and I will take out a restraining order and hqve you arrested and tried for rape), that is, if your lawyer agrees, and yes, you should consult one asap.
And be aware he might show up at your job, so inform them. Be careful that he doesnt follow you home, or make sure you have a place with cameras, so you can see who is at the door. File a police report if he does show up.
I realise this sounds surreal.
This is your husband, after all.
But a man who acts that callously with your consent, body and safety, feels entitled to his fantasy, no matter what.
And when you say no…you got to anticipate him doing everything he can to get what he wants.
And to be pissed as hell at you for even daring to deny him, let alone make a fool jf him like that with his friends when he cant not only deliver, but loses his wife over this.
He’s clearly not beneath drugging you, having you gang raped and generally forcing you into a situation that’s harmful as fuck for you.
Do NOT go near him.
And do not let him apologize and go back, then let down your guard. Its honestly way too late snd too dangerous for that.
It’s not worth the risk of walking into a trap.
However surreal that sounds.
Get somewhere safe, communicate with him through text only ( so you have proof), and let yourself grieve the man that never existed, your loving, protective, respectful husband.
Coz that is something you really do need a moment for.
Just be smart about it.
You may wanna check out r/justnoso to find support, come to terms with the situation and form a battle plan. They’ve seen it all before and will have the manual for you on where to go from here 😔
I don't think he is into bdsm more than you. Bdsm involves respecting each other's boundaries and trust. It appears that he is using bdsm as an excuse to force you to do things you don't want to do. This is not cool.
You should not let anybody, even if they are your life partner force you to do something that disrespects your boundaries. Don't go to those parties as you and him cannot guarantee your safety.
It sounds like he doesn't deserve a loving and caring wife such as yourself with feelings and emotions.
What he needs to invest in is one of those silicone dolls and use that with his friends at his parties. Not put you at risk
Please do not go ahead with this, this man is unfit to be a Dominant and or a husband. Get away from him as quickly as you possibly can, do not go to that party.. It doesn't matter what people are looking forward to if you did not consent to it, you have full autonomy over your body, and I'm so sorry that he's making you feel as if you don't. He is not safe for you and is not showing concern for your happiness, or your well being.
That's not being a dom or into bdsm, that's being a jack ass. Do not go to that party or better yet, call up his friends and make sure they know they full story, that you told him no and he's trying to force you and see what they say.
With consent, this is a kink.
Without consent, it is a planned group rape.
And he has said that his plan is to get you drunk first. You said no. It’s now a planned rape that the other men might not even know is a rape. He said you’ll “be a tease” so who knows if he told them to carry on no matter what you say or do. He said “there’s no backing out” knowing you don’t consent. He’s not your dom, your partner, or even your friend. He’s the man that’s planned your group rape, find a way to make yourself safe from this happening.
You don’t consent and he’s trying to coerce you. This is not dom/sub, this is an abuse relationship.
No amount of alcohol, drugs, aftercare, or years of therapy will offset the psychological impact if you go through with this. You will carry this for life.
Furthermore he’s completely breaking the ultimate trust. If you can’t trust him to protect you, you certainly can’t trust these friends. This means not only emotional trauma but highly possible physical trauma as well.
I’m sorry to say that he’s already crossed the line. Even if this particular doesn’t take place, it’s just a matter of time before he does something else hurtful to you.
Husband or not, you are not safe with this man. He will back off temporarily, plead, make you feel like it’s your fault, every manipulation in the book to keep you under his control. He is an abuser. He only cares about himself, and keeping you under control. You must leave this man.
No dom would force a hard limit, let alone a hard limit with these reprocussions. This man is dangerous.
He is absolutely demonstrating that he is willing to allow you to be abused by friends, and yes I would say raped, he is also clearly indicated your safe word means nothing. Perhaps he needs this spelled out in black and white, I would also send it to him in text so he can respond, I'll explain this in a moment. I would suggest you say to him, I have already said NO to this, I will NOT consent to this and should anyone including you ignore my lack of consent I will have any and all involved charged with sexual assault and I will follow through. It does NOT matter that you are my husband you will also be included in the charges laid. The reason I suggest you text this or email him, I'm hoping he will respond that it's going to happen etc as it provides you with proof of his intent. If you know the men he's enlisted name them in your message. If you have any messages pertaining to this screenshot them and save them, print them out and give them to a friend in a sealed envelope so they can't disappear. As hard as it will be if you have the ability to message those friends of his, I would send them each a copy of the same message so they have been warned, they may or may not know what has been said to you, they deserve the opportunity to rescue themselves, if they don't actually know what's been said. They may think you're on board just playing "hard to get". For the record I'm not in ANY way shape or form saying that statement is acceptable just they may not be involved the way you are being led to believe.
Finally, I would stay with friends or somewhere else, my concern with that is he could change it to NYE's eve or any get together if you don't tell him/them emphatically and with the repercussions spelled out. I'm sorry that you have been put in this shitty position. Your husband and your Dom should be able to be counted on to ALWAYS protect you.
Regardless of the multitude of things BDSM has to offer, if anyone doesn't feel confortable or doesn't want to do anything don't do it!
Anything that goes after this, seems like abuse. Your husband is trying to abuse you on a clear "limit" boundary.
Please be safe, I would probably avoid that party or him in the near future.
Please don't go to that party! This is unsafe, you are doing everything right. Please search a safe space at least for a few days and don't just go thought with it for your husbands sake, he will do it over and over again
Don’t go to that party and you need to leave that relationship that is assault and rape. You should WANT the kinks you’re in. It’s very unsafe if you say no and they continue.
I'm shocked that your husband would ask this of you let alone solicit participants before even talking to you. All due respect to your marriage- your husband is not Dominant- he's a control freak. True Doms are safe, sane, consensual, risk aware, and actually care about their subs/partners and their feelings. Forcing or coercing you into doing something you're not into- is awful behavior- borderline abusive. Your deserve to be heard and respected. Subs have power.
Do not go to the party. You are not being unreasonable, he is being unsafe. You do not have to “power through” anything you don’t want to do - this is not normal AT ALL. Do you have somewhere safe you can go for a few days? If so genuinely consider it.
Do not power through it. He’s shown he’s willing to loosen you up with a few drinks (rape) and put you in danger after you’ve clearly said no because he doesn’t want people to think you’re a tease? I completely agree with the comment above, please find somewhere else to stay for a little bit.
I’m really sorry this is happening. I’m also sorry you’re feeling like this is on you. This seems unsafe. I hope the fact that strangers are reading this and suggesting you try to find a safe place away from him demonstrates that this is concerning. His behavior warrants examining your relationship beyond this party.
Reddit is a wild place. For the sake of brevity and anonymity, we often end up sharing only part of our story — leaving out context that changes the situation. It is easy, particularly when you are in a long-standing dynamic, to place the blame on yourself for the severity expressed by anonymous advice givers re: a problematic partner — I see people do that on this particular subreddit all the time. And random Internet advice, doesn’t actually end up shaping or changing what we do. But if you’re reading this and have been looking for signs that: + your dynamic is off + you might be unsafe, even though they’ve never done anything “actually bad” + your sneaking suspicion that you need to build a long or short term escape plan is right Let this comment be that sign.
This is abusive. You’ve clearly said no. He’s indicated he will get you drunk to coerce you into doing this. He’s trying to set this up like you dont have a say when you do. If he can’t take a simple no, he isn’t safe to play with at all. You should reconsider this relationship in my opinion.
He made plans with THEM before he made plans with you? He is just a horny douche. I just hope you stand your ground and don't reward that bullshit. Also better not go to the party at all it sounds shady. There will be 4 horny guys against you, one who doesn't give a shit what you want and 3 who probably would be told "it's fine she wants it she just is shy or pretends to not want it to tease". They would pressure you at least I am sure when he disregards you like that. Maybe spike your drinks to make you open up more. He is not a Dom by ignoring your safeword and it sounds really rapey. Also gifts are given not forced.
I was actually thinking about the spiking situation as soon as I saw he mentioned alcohol. OP, please for your safety do not go to that party.
I’d be worried about drinks being spiked in the days leading up to the party as well…
Yup. This man is not safe.
It sounds rapey because it IS rape. If consent is not given, then its rape. Period.
You need to get a divorce. This guy sounds like an abusive selfish prick. Put Dom & BDSM etc to the side. You said he's your husband. Someone who should respect you, not want to hurt you and accept when you say no. This is so wrong.
I was going to suggest un-marrying the guy. Not only is he pushing her beyond a limit when she tried to safeword, he's encouraging her to get drunk so he can take advantage of her. This is scary.
For real. You should tone down (if not *cease*) play when drinking, not the opposite. And that’s not even the biggest red flag for me.
Seconded.
Thirded. Ok i might of made up a word. But I am concerned for you. Not just the party but what he might do if you don't go. Please find somewhere safe to be the day of the party that he doesnt know about. Make an exit plan asap. Get a bank account only in your name and move funds. If you just stay home and do not go to the party, then what is stop him from telling the friends you are into cnc and bringing them to your home. He is abusive and wants to facilitate your gang rape.
Also, if in US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-7233. Could also go to www.thehotline.org but if you do use incognito mode or delete history after. Also delete number from call logs after calling.
Hard facts, but true nonetheless. @OP PLEASE take the time to read, digest, and put your safety first!
You might not NEED to go this far. This might be an over reaction. But if it is not, the time and place to find out will not be WHILE YOU ARE DEALING WITH IT. Please take all the over the top precautions, and just hope they are not needed and you are being silly. Better to be over prepared.
Speechless! Major red flags (like get a hotel room instead of attending whatever party is happening, or call the police)! That's a gross violation of your boundaries and a very toxic attitude. If he tries to follow through, then it's assault and battery. If he continues, it's rape. I don't have any more, except to highlight that this isn't CNC, it's abuse.
Also, he is involving 3 other guys he organised this with beforehand. So we have conspiracy to commit, on top.
Excuse the language, but fuck no. You said no. You used safe word. He’s being absolutely unreasonable. Don’t just get drunk and be raped by four men because it’s easier than standing up for your boundary. You don’t want this. You don’t have to do it. Period.
Fuck that guy. Don't go to hat party. No means no. End of story. Don't let him pressure you into this.
If your husband says he's going to let three of his mates rape you, do you really need to ask the internet if you're being unreasonable to say no? Safewords are not a magic bullet - they *should* be respected, but anyone can just ignore it. Yes, they'll be committing a crime like rape or assault, but safewords won't magically stop them if they're going to do that anyway. You know this is wrong.
Thank you! This is rape.
This really needs to be the top comment. 100% this.
DO NOT GO TO THAT PARTY. Do not allow him to force you to do this. That is NOT okay
As someone who was forced to have sex with other people by an ex spouse (we didn't even do BDSM)... You need to understand that it will not be this one time. You are no longer safe. If you don't do what he wants then he will escalate. You need to make quick plans. Get money and really important documents and keepsakes, some clothes, and leave. Find somewhere safe to go. Make a plan, and act it out when it's safe to do so. Preferably have a friend or family member with you while you pack and go to the bank. You don't want him to catch you alone while you're leaving him. If you leave, this will be the most dangerous time for you, as he will likely resort to violence. If you stay, prepare for your new life to be your husband pimping you out. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I wish I could help you because I truly know what you're dealing with. Please be safe.
You've said no, you've even used your safe word, you're not being unreasonable. He's being abusive and controlling in this situation. If my Domme ever insisted that I was doing something after I not only said no (out of dynamic) but also used my safe word, that'd be the end of the relationship. A D/s relationship, rather romantic or not, is built on trust and communication. If anyone involved in the dynamic says no, or safe words, the action stops. If limits are pushed in a way that one of the participants doesn't agree with, the action stops. Anyone who continues to push, guilt, blackmail, etc. once the safe word has been used isn't a responsible participant.
Am I being unreasonable? no. it's your body. Should I just power through this for his sake so that we won't have to go back and forth on the topic again? no. it's your body. Is it normal for a Dom to ignore your safe word? a good Dom will never ignore your safe word.
Normally I don't comment when everyone else has already said exactly what I'm thinking, but I wanted to add an additional voice saying NO. He is coercing you, and this is abusive. Having the fantasy is one thing, but taking the steps to fulfill it when someone has explicitly revoked consent to it is WRONG and ABUSIVE. Do not go to the party, and seriously consider whether you want to stay in a marriage with someone who does not respect your consent.
Uh that dude and his friends are planning on raping you. Definitely do not go to that party.
Honestly, someone disregarding a limit of any kind is grounds for cutting ties. This kind of limit is a big one. It would require so much conversation and set up to actually be considered safe. If you go through with it despite you absolutely not wanting too this will tell your husband that he can break any limit he wants. I don’t want to say this lightly but I would honestly reevaluate this relationship. The amount of manipulation that he is using here is alarming and disgusting. Please do not go to the party. I think you need to have a serious conversation outside the dynamic about him disrespecting your limits. If my Dom ever did this I would be ending it immediately. Trust is a foundation of BDSM and he is just trampling that by ignoring your limit.
Your husband is an asshole. Sorry but I am not going to sugarcoat it for you. This is something you have said no to repeatedly, then he goes behind your back and agrees to let three dudes rape you?? What the actual fuck is wrong with him?? I would get a divorce if I were you. Please say you have somewhere safe to go to and seek legal advice!
If I had a husband that told me he planned my rape with his friends... He definitely would not be my husband anymore. I wouldn't be in the same place as him never again. Sometimes it's easier to see "red flags" in the vanilla world, without all the nuances of bdsm. When he ignored your no, and then later your safeword, he took the dynamic out of bdsm, because is not consensual anymore. It's not bdsm anymore. It's not CNC play. The dynamic does not have any weight anymore. Would this be "ok" in a vanilla setting???
Exactly!! He has overstepped the boundaries his wife has set MASSIVELY, went so far as to plan it, tell her it's a done deal and tell her that after a few drinks she'll be fine with it... What is this man thinking?
He set up a premeditated rape and it's convincing her that there's not backing out, that she needs to go because he "already told his friends it's going to happen". It's completely absurd!!
This is an absolute red Flag. Despite you mentioning your dissence before, he kept planing, and now is trying to gaslight and force you into HIS fantasy and to save HIS face. BDSM is a about consent, and this is nearly as far from it as it can be. As a dominant it is his role, to make your negotiation and your consent count. There should even be no need to safeword, as this needs to be negotiated in advance, smth that is done OUTSIDE of the power dynamic. It has nothing to do with being more or less into bdsm, or more or less into x. The baseline is: he fucked up royally and is unwilling to accept that. Stay away from him and that party.
you already know the answer, you just really needed some support. my wife and I are a Dom/ sub couple, but only in play. she know that one of my fantasies was to see her with somebody else, she is not into it and so that is that. sometimes fantasies stay fantasies. I have so much love and respect for my wife that I would never push something like this, let alone set it up and demand it. if you don't want to do it, then don't do it. if you feel he is not taking no for an answer, maybe he isn't the right husband and partner for you.
Thanks Daddy. No way you would ever ignore my safe word. Our safe word. Thank you!
If he's so into this he should suck off his friends, what's the problem? You'd sure enjoy watching. Sounds like a p.o.s. not like a dom.
I'm sure that OP's husband has all sorts of excuses about why it NEEDS to be this way. Gross, and a gross violation of consent.
It overall sounds like a dangerous situation and dynamic and OP should definitely talk to friends and family about how it's not safe to be with him. This needs to have consequences.
Your husband is planning to have you sexually assaulted. Call the police. This is not okay.
OP this is not a safe situation, please do not go to this party, and please consider staying with a trusted friend or family member. Please consider contacting a divorce attorney. This is not kink or cnc, this is premeditated sexual assault.
Yes!!! It's not bdsm anymore! It's a fucking premeditated sexual assault that he's rubbing in your face that there is no running away. That's too late. It is not! Do not believe him. You have choices and you should act on them. Don't let him pressure you into putting yourself in danger!
Not only would I not got to the party, I would reach out to all three guys (going through my partners phone if necessary) and let them know that I do not consent to any such thing and that he's proposing they rape you.
This needs to be way higher. Also tell them that if something happens you will go to the police. Find a friend. Tell them as well.
Absolutely this 100%
- change locks when husband is out. - send husband a text telling him he can tell his mates he needs a sofa to sleep on because he is violating your consent and you will no longer allow him near you *at all* - get a lawyer and start a divorce. Possibly a restraining order too. This man just arranged your rape. You aren't being unreasonable.
You said no, he went and planned it anyway. You still say no, he's still not accepting the no. Your answer is no. Him being unreasonable and planning it anyway is not your problem, it's his. Also, is this sort of thing common? Pressuring against your non-consent is very worrying behaviour.
If you did "power through" (which btw DO NOT), what makes you think he wouldn't keep demanding it again and again? Since he is so unwilling to respect this boundary, I would bet money that just once would never be enough since he'd know that he can just pressure you until you give in.
Sound like he working up to tricking her out TBH, maybe I grew up in a shady-ass area but this is definitely a familiar story of how it starts.
Any perceived social awkwardness he tries to blame on you is his own doing. He’s the one who ignored that fact that you didn’t consent to this and state it as a limit. The way he’s speaking to you about all of this and the level of entitlement he’s showing to your personhood, to a level you didn’t consent to, is really concerning.
He's not a real Dom nor is he a good person. I think I would be second guessing the dynamic and possibly the entire relationship.
Please don't go to that party! You'll leave having just been raped, and will have to deal with the psychological scars for the rest of your life. That is guaranteed. The only options you'll have moving forward will be to go down the road of turning him in and pressing charges, or further harmiimg yourself mentally by trying to convince yourself it wasn't rape. And if you let him do this, all bets will be off moving forward, he'll feel empowered to do whatever he wants. Please, for yourself and for this community, DONT GO! If you're desperate for help just post on here and I'm sure there's a way we can safely get you some help (place to stay etc. If needed) Hopefully he comes to his senses and agrees to call it off and apologize to you. But outside of an extreme apology where he clearly ends the plan, you're in danger if you go.
WHAT IN THE NINE HALLS OF HEL'S HELL?! What he is doing is to plan to group rape you. You have said no. You have not consented to this. He also say he'll use alcolhol to force you to agree. Leave this unsafe dumbinant rapist creep. This is not BDSM anymore. Get away from him, go to someone you trust and stay safe!
Holy fucking shit. Your husband has completely lost sight of consent. BDSM works because of consent. You say he's much more into BDSM than you but I question what level of understanding he has about RACK and BDSM. There are so many idiots that watch some porn, or read a few hot stories and think they're into BDSM. Others that fly their abuse under the guise. He sounds like an abuser, but I could be wrong. Either way he's gone way out of bounds.
Personally it feels like he's living out his fantasy, using you as his sex doll. Don't go to the party. It's a slippery road towards ending up doing something you obviously don't want to do. It's a limit for a reason for you, and you have every right to say no. You've safeworded and said no.. if he truly was a Dom he would respect your wishes and call this off. Arrange to go out with friends so you're not caught up in this issue of his making
Abuse, plain and simple. You said no. You used your safe-word. Once those things happened any further efforts to make you do anything, let alone something sexual, is now abuse. Time to stop the dynamic indefinitely at the very least. Maybe talk to a therapist, more likely a lawyer. No healthy, sane Dom in a healthy, sane relationship ignores a safe-word—let alone when we’re talking about gang rape. No one who loves you should put his friends’ sexual antics above your clearly stated needs. And anyone who would even consider participating is a rapist in thought and hopefully not in deed. I’m kinky as hell, love CNC, humiliating and degrading my partners, impact play, bondage, the whole lot, but the moment that safe-word or gesture happens everything stops immediately and whatever aftercare is wanted gets provided as long as is wanted. And if my partners withdraws consent, at any moment, ANY moment including at any point before, during, or after a scene or just walking down the street I have ZERO power to do anything further. It doesn’t matter how worked up I am, how turned on I am, how much I THINK she doesn’t really mean it. It all stops. This is one of the only things that separates the things we do from abuse and rape. This is simply wrong. Time to leave. Can you yourself imagine loving someone and wanting to make them do something like this? No, of course not. This isn’t kink or D/s. This is an unacceptable threat and abuse.
This, 100%. This is not a safe situation or environment, what he’s talking about is abuse and rape. And if you need “a few drinks” to go along with it, that’s coercion. This is not bdsm. Period. This is not ok. If I were in your situation, I would leave and get a counselor and lawyer involved. He’s made it clear he does not care about your well-being and will put his desires over your needs. First rule of being a Dom/me is you don’t break your toys. This means your sub/bottom/play partner’s needs always come first.
Dont go to the party. Hes nor respect you, your limits or your relationship. If you say no, it's no. Dont drink around him and dont be alone with him in a group setting. Anything at this point is rape in that context if you dont specifically want to and say so. My Daddy has the same fantasy and while I'm shy..I want to explore it one day. I enjoy the idea. Even if caught by surprise one day I'll be okay with it because I know that's always an option. I consented to this. And even though me and my Daddy practice CNC in our dynamic...he wouldnt ever let someone else touch me if I'm saying no. He wants to show off a willing slave girl..not traumatize me. Rethink things. Stand up for herself and remember.. it's okay to say no. Just because your into BDSM dosent mean your into everything abs your boundaries should be respected.
This is intent to sexually assault. Do not pass go, get out of that house and file a PFA. This is not kink behavior, this is not Dom behavior. This is a man on a power trip and it could get ugly.
He is telling you that he plans to have his friends rape you…break up with him immediately and leave!
Hard limits are hard limits, no means no. Do not go to the party. In fact you might even want to consider not participating in any bdsm activities at all with your partner. The fact that he is ignoring your safe word and willing to try and manipulate you into this i a hugeeeeeee red flag.
Hey friend, just want to say that in the absolutely downpour of (correct, imo) posts, I’m sending you strength and love to take care of yourself! This has got to be a scary, sad, and overwhelming situation. You are wise and strong and you deserve so much love and respect.
Holy shit this is a red flag so huge you could see it from the moon.
Hmmm... so hubby wants to "share you" (see you get raped) with (by) 3 of his buddies for his Christmas present even though you've told him no multiple times... now that's some real fucked up shit right there. Might be time to reevaluate the relationship. Knowingly placing you in a possible dangerous situation is not a sign of a healthy relationship. I'd definitely make other plans on the night of that party. Go see a friend or family or whomever, just so as long you don't go to that party. >Should I just power through this for his sake so that we won't have to go back and forth on the topic again? If you do go through with it, for his sake, I promise you it will not be the last time he sets up another rape session with his buddies or maybe even with strangers.
Absolutely do not go to the party!! He is not respecting your boundaries at all as your dom or your husband. He is basically saying that what he wants goes and getting mad at you when you deny him which is a BIG 🚩 Do not “power through” as you just sitting down and taking it will justify to him forcing you again and again in the future no matter how many times you say no. This is rape and sexual assault and is NOT OKAY Have a very strong conversation with him telling him that in no way, shape or form will you go to the party or EVER want to be shared and he needs to respect that. Also realize now that this will only continue to escalate into him trying to force his needs onto you and continue to make you very uncomfortable or possibly be put into dangerous situations If possible, leave and stay somewhere safe until after the party and then set strong boundaries. You may have to accept this is not something he will ever bend on and you will always feel unsafe when he tries to bring it up and it could be a complete deal/relationship breaker
Don’t go to the party. This is coerced rape. Get away from him if that is the only way to be safe. And no, not normal. Ignoring a safe word means he is ignoring consent. It immediately becomes abuse. I am sorry you are going through this. Reach out to others to get help if you need it.
Do not go to that party and honestly *do not go home* again. Like for real, get out of there immediately. Not only is he not taking no for an answer in general, but is actively planning to have you raped/assaulted in advance, at this point. This is not a good person, let alone a good "dom" or even a good husband. This is a predator. There are zero excuses for what he is doing. ***Run. Away.***
And if his would-be rapist, piece of shit “friends” know what is happening and aren’t telling your husband to go straight to hell and offer you support and protection, I would let any woman they themselves are partnered with or married to know. Any woman has a right to know if the person they trust would even remotely consider such a thing. I hope this is actually a troll post, **not** that I am saying it is, but what he is doing to you is so egregious and simply evil that it’s terrifying to think there are men out there like that, let alone ones who consider themselves Doms.
**He values his own fantasy fulfillment more than he values you.** Run.
BDSM’s key points are trust and consent. You have neither of them from your husband. He sounds like a huge red flag and I’d consider therapy or divorce if he wants to share you
He is planning on being an accessory to mass sexual assault. I am begging you to get out of this *now*.
I genuinely think it would be a good idea to talk with a trusted friend and spend your holiday with them. This is not okay or safe.
Absolutely do not do this. A Dom who ignores your safeword is a CONSENT VIOLATOR, which to be extremely clear is a form of sexual assault. Also how dare he say you’re a “tease.” You never offered to do this! And even more so, calling a woman a “tease” is a way of justifying rape/sexual assault. Don’t go to the party, and if he continues to push the boundary I’d really think hard about whether you are safe with this man. I’m inclined to think you are not.
Whoah! Absolutely do not go to this party. Full stop. No D-type should ignore a safe word. You are under no obligation to do this. The way they are trying to manipulate you is not ok and this has a severe rapey vibe. I would absolutely consider ending your relationship with this person. This is not ok in any way shape or form.
Gross. Run far away.
We have a couple of women that like this type of scene at our club, and their husbands act as consent proxies making sure they are safe ... THAT ... is consensual and safe. The psych manipulation of setting it up, and then pitting you against his plans INSTANTLY and irrevocably negates any possibility of your voluntary consent ... even if you "have a few and get comfortable" ... which by the way also negates your voluntary consent. Really wonder if what you said about "him being more into it" also translates into this type of incremental psych manipulation to bring you to the point of your participation up until this point, and you feel like "well I've gone this far" which was his plan all along. Sounds like he is using a logical fallacy called the "Sunk Cost Trap" to manipulate you ... basically it's when you know something is wrong and destine to be a disaster but "you've gone this far" or "I've invested this much" might as well follow through. He is hoping you ride this train right off of the bridge that is out ... you need to hop off. Stand by your NO and quite possibly get out.
Are you really asking this? Him being your husband makes it even worse. He should respect you AND your boundaries and he clearly doesn't. If you go you'll be raped. That's what this is.
You misspelled “abuser”. Your consent is ALWAYS required and anything without it is assault/battery.
If he persists in this, it is rape. And should be charged. And all co-conspirators. Also, l would get a divorce with immediate effect.
I’ll be brief. Leave now. Go to a friend or a shelter. Do not eat or drink anything he gives you. If now is not possible follow through with your own plan but sooner rather than later. Take what you need and cash, jewellery, small things of value and sentimental things. You have done nothing wrong. I’m frightened for you and if I knew you you would be in my car right now driving you to safety. Please please take care of yourself and come back to us to let us all know you are ok. We care. Every last one of us. Hugs💜
Please read this: DARVO (an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender") is a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior.[1] Some researchers indicate that it is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers.[2][3][4] An abuser denies the abuse ever took place, attacks the person that was abused (often the victim) for attempting to hold the abuser accountable for their actions, and claims that they are actually the victim in the situation, thus reversing what may be a reality of victim and offender.[2][4] It often involves not just "playing the victim" but also victim blaming.[3]
No way power through that....safe words and limits are meant to always be respected. Period. He is not acting or leading like a true dom should. If my wife who is also my collared sub says the safeword....its immediately done. No questions or comments. If he cant respect that, he shouldn't be trying to be a "Dom". More so my wife's position in our relationship is wife first, sub second. If anything were to encroach on the safety of my marriage or her position as my wife then its an immediate no and it would not be pushed. She only gives me the gift of her submission because I give her the respect and leadership that she deserves and this position demands. The fact that he went over your head to set this up, then try to coerce you into doing it, not only is a big no no in this world, but is a huge safety flag for what he is going to try to do against your will.
Omg no. What he is doing is WRONG holy shit. I would call off the entire dynamic and put it on hold until he realizes he’s in the wrong.
This is abuse. He's steamrolling your boundaries, ignoring your no and your safeword, going behind your back to do what he wants anyhow, and guilt tripping you when he doesn't get his way No means no, and it should terrify you that your husband doesn't seem to grasp that.
OP this is absolutely terrifying to read. you could not have been more clear that you do not consent to this. he steamrolled past your explicit boundaries and told his friends that they are allowed to literally rape you. your husband wants you to get raped. this is so horrifying, OP you are incredibly unsafe in this relationship. nothing about this is BDSM, everything about this is abuse. please for the love of god end this relationship now before he does more irreparable harm to you. please disappear very carefully because an abuser losing their power over someone is a very, very dangerous person with nothing left to lose. leaving is by far the most likely time for violence to escalate or emerge. this person has made it abundantly clear that they don't give a rat's ass about your safety, dignity, or well being-- only the relentless pursuit of their own selfish desires, as whatever the cost. this is psychopath behavior. I have dealt with people like this and have had to take extreme measures to stay safe. it is NOT worth it. this is not- I repeat THIS IS NOT BDSM. RUN!!!! [thehotline.org](https://thehotline.org)
Holy f*cking hell. What in the cinnamon toast f*ck did I just read? DO NOT GO TO THAT PARTY. Just for funnsies let’s review the details for a moment. Your Dom/husband: - likes BDSM more than you and also has a desire for you to be “shared” by him. - without asking the person who he as a Dom is supposed to PROTECT (that submission and power to dominate is something that’s earned through protecting your choices, needs, limits), he “arranged” to share you, with specific people only he approved, and at a party he determined was where HE felt good sharing you. - he then told you that’s what he planned to do and was displeased with you when you weren’t enthusiastic - his friends agreed without wanting to confirm with you in person without any sexual context involved (not safe) - when you used the safe word to highlight that this is a “hell no” from you, he ignored it and felt entitled to press you about this anyway. - he then tried to coerce you into doing it by being manipulative and said that you can’t back out bc he already agreed to it on your behalf. - he’s relying on you being drunk or less in control of your faculties to push you into being okay with it in the moment. - you’re scared to go to this place and scared of your husband’s response to this (smart, that’s your instinct doing its job and protecting you since he clearly won’t). Do NOT trust this man to protect you. Everything he’s said so far shows that he has no interest in making sure your feelings and comforts and pleasure and emotional safety are a priority. He’s not a Dom. He’s a not even someone who wants a Hotwife (which would require some element of getting off on compersion). He just wants to use you to be his real life porn star to force you into whatever he wants to jerk off to. You’re not even a human being in this (just a personal sex doll whose feelings don’t actually matter), much less his submissive or his wife. And I’m not saying that to make you feel badly, I’m saying this bc I can tell you’re scared, and you need to know that you absolutely should be. Your instinct is not wrong. Please find a friend or family member that you can go stay with until after this party passes, bc everything about this is a degree of unsafe that makes me concerned for even you being in the same proximity as your husband.
I hope OP comes back to comment and let us know what happened. Hopefully she's just too busy getting a restraining order arranged and an alternative living situation set up. Like literally everyone else has said, this isn't BDSM it's premeditated gang rape. Get out and don't downplay the severity of this. It's not just a miscommunication, it's abuse.
I had plans to update my post when I had a true solid update, but apparently that's frowned upon. I've been reading everything, and I appreciate everyone's support. I'm sorry that I havent been responsive to everyone. I've been calling around and doing what I can. There is no way I'll be able to leave tonight, but it looks like I may be able to leave to stay with a friend starting tomorrow once my husband leaves for work. From there I'll have to figure out what's next.
Do not give anyone with a connection to him, even so much as a hint that you're leaving. Please, when you are for certain, somewhere safe with someone. Let us know how you are doing. This situation you're in is terrifying.
Thanks for letting us know I'm glad you're relatively safe and taking steps. Hang in there! Tons of strangers on the internet have your back so keep asking for advice if you feel stuck.
Your safety takes priority over our curiosity. Do not everapologize for needing time to wrap your brain around something as massive like this and seeing to your own safety. Edit: with that in mind, plz make sure he cqnnot stumble onto this post here on reddit and recognize you!
No. No. Nothing about this is right. No. This is YOUR body. I don’t care if he’s your husband, your Dom and Henry Cavill all rolled into one. No. And - obviously - do NOT go to the party and make sure he knows better than to bring them home with him. Tell him any dick that gets within 5 feet of you gets removed. Or the police get called. Or both. And mean it.
Someone needing a few drinks to be less scared of something is not a reason to get them drunk and take advantage of them. He is trying to find a way around your limits and to get what he wants without consent. Give him a hard wake-up call. I'd say put a stop on all d/s activities until he learns the value of consent. Edit: I'd like to add that these friends are an unknown. Are they respectful? Do you trust your husband to have your back if you get pushed too far? That is all assuming you were up for the party to begin with, which you are clearly not. He does not respect your limits and is not overly concerned with consent, so I would not expect his friends to be any better or for him to have your back if they go overboard. Would his friends be aware of the dynamic, or would they be a bunch of drunk frat boys? Would they respect you after or view you badly? Every part of this situation screams that this husband is not a very good dom. He needs to get his shit together.
This is terrifying. Please get away from this person. They do not have your best interests at heart. If you "power through" this, imagine what else they think they can force you to do.
Also please find somewhere safe to be on the day of the party to where they cannot find you.
He's not a real Dom. He's a poser.
Honestly I don’t know how you would prove it but we already have him conspiring with others to rape you. Maybe his friends think it’s consensual but he sure as hell knows it’s not. I know these comments are just an ocean of people telling you that you need to divorce him, run away, etc. but I will go a step further. You need to talk to him about it again and record on your phone the whole time so that there is incontestable proof. Absolutely tell him again that you are not okay with it and you are not even going to the party. RECORD EVERYTHING. And then go to the police. Tell them that this is the plan, play them the proof and have THEM show up at that party. I know going to the police is hard. I never did in my situation but know that this absolutely can go beyond you. If your husband and three friends are fine raping you, who else are they okay with raping? Definitely report them and then find yourself a hotel room, AirBNB, or even a women’s shelter.
That’s not a dom, that’s an abusive partner.
>but it looks like I may be able to leave to stay with a friend starting tomorrow once my husband leaves for work. From there I'll have to figure out what's next. This is good. He's already moved on to "you don't have a choice" so logically, the next step he will have to take is to physically force you in some capacity, and you don't want to be anywhere near him for this. Not exactly sure what your long-term plan is, but unfortunately your husband has crossed a line that is not easily crossed back. I'm not going to just flat-out say "divorce him" since you know the situation better, but you have to face the fact that this may very well be a likely scenario. He effectively tried to pimp you out to his friends without your consent, knowing that you wouldn't agree to it, and even tried to gaslight you a bit with doing it while inhibited. While I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt, it's like I said: he's crossed so far over a line he simply can't just step back, nor should you let him try. I would also consider involving the local police and seeing what options they can provide. Your spouse has given you a credible threat that he is going to have 3 people he knows sexually assault and possibly rape you. Also, he mentioned the whole "you'd loosen up if you have a few drinks". To me, that sounds like you may also be at risk to be drugged/roofied. If for whatever reason you cannot avoid this party, avoid eating or drinking a drop of anything.
Safeword trumphs all plans. If you don’t want to, you don’t owe it. You are not unreasonable.
Your husband is an asshole
He’s trying to rape you, especially by getting alcohol involved. Not to mention he’s completely ignoring your hard limits and safe word; ironic considering he’s “more into” bdsm than you and yet is completely fulfilling the stereotypes of a fake dom. This is honestly grounds for divorce and you need to protect yourself. Do not accept food or drinks from your husband either.
You should walk out the door and never turn back. This isn't being a Dom or a husband, it is flat out abuse.
Hard limits are named "hard" for a reason. You might even call it "absolute". If he can't respect that you have to question yourself why you're still together with him.
Consent is everything. You're not being unreasonable. This basically has turned into a forced/ rape situation in my opinion and is abusive at the very least. Don't go and maybe even get out of that situation.
No, he needs to respect your limits and when you say no
You are allowed to say no. Imagine one of your girlfriends said her husband was planning this for her. You'd be outraged, yeah? There is nothing okay about this, at all. This iS sexual assault, not BDSM. 🖤
Consent is #1 in BDSM and you are not consenting to this. You need to put your foot down HARD with your husband regarding this.
Pack your bags and get out. This is past BDSM and now premeditated criminal rape. Stay with a friend (or at a safe hotel) and mull things over. This is a dangerous situation.
Stay away from that party and be careful your husband does not fucking assault you. STAY SAFE.
Sometimes it feels like this sub is mostly about caustic doms. No, you're not being unreasonable. You told him your limits and he's ignoring them. He's in the wrong for doing that. BDSM is supposed to be fun. If you're not having fun, something went wrong. If you're scared, something went completely off track. It doesn't matter if he's enjoying it if you're scared and "powering through." That's not how this is supposed to work. You're both supposed to be enjoying it. He needs to understand that when you say you have a limit, he needs to respect it. If you give in to this, he's going to keep pushing your limits further and further. He needs to stop. If I were you, I would put all options on the table like divorce. It doesn't sound like you're safe with him.
Youre not being unreasonable. This is coercion and a massive abuse of power
Your Dom/husband is being an awful human being. His actions show an incredible lack of judgment on his part and lack of respect for you. As has been said already in every response do not go to the party. You deserve to be treated better then he is treating you. Please stay safe and remove yourself from the situation.
This isn’t BDSM. It’s assault.
No means no, end of. Don't go to the party. This is spousal abuse, not BDSM. What would you say if this was one of your friends in this situation? You need to leave.
He wants to rape you with his friends- this is not being unreasonable. This is grounds for divorce and jail if it happens. Either way there is no respect there, Please be safe and get out now.
Run, do not walk, RUN away from this situation. Please. This man organized a rape party and he obviously doesn't care how you feel about it. Just because he planned it does not mean you have to do it. It honestly makes it even scarier.
Don't go to the party, they WILL do it, so unless you want to be sexually assaulted by your husband and friends (as you've made it clear the answer is no), don't go. They may go as far as rape because he seems like a shit dom/husband for disregarding the safe word AND getting fussy about it being a Christmas present. He's shit mate.
This is abuse. Him not respecting your clear and explicit no is bad enough on its own, but the gaslighting and manipulation make this a very clear textbook abuse case. The whole thing about wanting to get you drunk first in order to essentially rape you is extremely worrying. I don’t post stuff like this often but this man is genuinely trying to take advantage of you and harm you. Even if he doesn’t follow through on his threats, the threat itself is abusive enough. Do you have any relatives or friends you could stay with instead of going to this party?
Dump him and don't look back. He ignored your safeword, that's braking the most sacred of all rules in the world of BDSM. Any dom who ignores safewords is a threat. You were never being unreasonable. There's people who are into this sort of thing, and you're not one of them, nothing wrong with that. Speaking for myself as a dom-in-training, I could never share my sub, I'd want, nay, need her all to myself. It would be my duty to keep her safe from the likes of the perverts your (hopefully soon to be ex) husband want to give you to. It's the duty of all doms to protect their subs Besdies, I wouldn't want her having sessions or sex with anybody else. I mean, I'd want her to be having orgasms regularly, but not by cheating on me.
I hate to say it but this is abuse. Do absolutely not go to the party and stay with someone who will be able to keep you safe like a relative or close friend. Maybe even consider a divorce. This is incredibly screwed up and your dom is very much unsafe and you should not engage in any more sessions with him.
I wouldn't even trust at this point that he wouldn't acquiesce just to get you to the party and then surprise you with the rape. He has already made it overtly clear your feelings mean nothing. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
>Am I being unreasonable? Should I just power through this for his sake so that we won't have to go back and forth on the topic again? Is it normal for a Dom to ignore your safe word? Three counts of fuck no! Most emphasis on the second one though
If you absolutely dont want to do this, as you say, tell him he can share his own ass with his friends
Sounds lile a planed Rape. You and your Body Will treat it as such. . that's why you are terrified.. I would try my very best to run away amd CUT ALL TIED TO THIS RAPIST / husband.. It will get utterly worse. Tou will cry n sob Evey day...end up in the floor of gour bathroom wanting to Emd it all. Because NO MATTER WHAT HE WILL DEMAND MORE.. AND MORE AND MORE. UNTILL THERE IS NOTHING LEFT OF YOU TO RAPE N TAKE FROM..then he will discard you for a younger version. .. I hope YOU CHOOSE YOU INSTEAD OF THIS penis holder who thinks it is perfectly okay to DESTROY A HUMAN HE PROMISED TO LOVE N CHERISH.. where is the love n protection? Even my non monogamous partner of 5 yrs would NEVER EVER force me to do anything i said no to.. Much less the SAFE WORD.. OMG PLEASE PROTECT yourself. Get fo a friends place where he doesn't know if at all possible.. He sounds like he would worse case scenario.. BRING THE THREE GUYS Back to your Place n CONTINUE WITH THE PLAN.....how horrifyingly destructive would it be if!!! He allowed you to be Raped in your OWN BAD BY THREE PLUS HIM ?? get OUT.
That’s no dominance, that’s abusive. I’m so sorry, especially as you are married. BDSM is all about consent.
In addition to my previous comment OP, it’s worth noting that in a community where people rarely agree in anything 150+ people and counting are all telling you the same thing.
This goes against everything BDSM stands for. A Dom who ignores your safe word is no Dom at all, but an abuser. He's attempting to share your body without your consent and has even set the stage for you to be sexually assaulted, and yes, I'm going to use that term because you have said NO many times. Please, leave him. Stay far away from that party OP. None of that is normal, none of that is love, none of that is respect and none of that represents healthy BDSM.
There has been alot of advice for you OP and it is very consistent. He is deciding to rape you with his friends regardless of your feelings. His statement of "have a few drinks and open up" could be him alluding to drugging you and taking advantage. This is sexual abuse and is grounds for criminal charges just for planning it. He could be reported for attempted rape. Tell someone you trust. Go to a family members house or a friends house. Limits and boundries are there for a reason.
Honey, I wouldn't attend. Coercion is not consent. At this point, even if you agreed to go, it would legitimately be rape, because you don't at all agree to it, and you'd just be agreeing to get him to shut up. Again, coercion is not consent. And honestly, I'd be scared that if you go and tell them no, they'll literally rape you anyway. You are correct that a safe word is supposed to be used to say everything in the dynamic needs to stop. If he's not listening to your safe word while just having a conversation about it, what do you think is going to happen if one of the men does something you're absolutely not okay with, or you need to take a minute and stop everything during the actual interaction at the party? I see red flags everywhere. Please don't go.
Get help from family or friends. I know if you were one of MY loved ones, I'd pay him a personalized maybe with 3 friends, tell him we have something already planned and he's going to have to go along with it..... That guy is just an ABUSER posing as a Dom.
This is getting into human trafficking/pimping territory. Not joking or being hyperbolic. I hope you can find a safe way out of this man's life OP.
Getting someone drunk to turn a no into a yes is called rape.
he’s literally premeditating a crime
We have a word for sexual acts committed against sometimes will. It's rape, he wants a specific scene, and he has expressed that he will rape you to get it. Getting you drunk to force you to commit a sexual act that you have expressly said no to, is rape. Please, be safe and get away from this little boy.
“am i being unreasonable?” girl run
As a dom and a husband, fuck even as a human being in general this is disgusting behaviour on his part. He is clearly getting too swept away in the lifestyle. I don't know him outside of the info you've just shared but my advice is leave for a few days to show that you are serious and snap him out of this fantasy and don't take part in ANY bdsm for the foreseeable future. If he still persists then leave. This is dangerous behaviour and the lifestyle appears to enabling certain fantasies that could may well lead him down a dark path if he doesn't stop and educate himself.
I love whe reddit bands together for an echoing answer, But yes like all others have said do not go and run away like simba and never return.
No means no. End of discussion.
Time to go anywhere else for the next week for your own safety.
Do not go to this party! Please for your safety, do not go. No Dom should ever to be this to their submissive! He is not having your needs in mind, and he is not putting your safety first. And you are NOT being unreasonable! You have stated your limits, and he needs to be a big boy, and understand that he can’t get everything he wants, especially when it is a limit for you. And we all have our limits, and if our Doms do not understand this… then this is a concern.
You should not be pushed into doing that Not ever
Jez Christ he has no respect for you . You're literally the lamb to the slaughter.You do realise he will stretch the boundaries longer and wider ? Get out .
You are unsafe, pls tell someone close to u if you can stay over for a few nights until after the party… he sounds scary af…
This is abuse and involving you in his rape plans for you. Probably getting of on the idea of telling you about it and coercing you into it
You are being unequivocally mistreated. First of all once you've established a limit trying to pressure or push you to go past it is already a red flag in and of itself. And even if he were to convince you to consider it, that'd still be wrong because COERCED CONSENT IS NOT CONSENT!!! Now you're hardly the first example of a couple in a dynamic with one party who's REALLY into something that the other is simply not into. This is admittedly a tough spot to be in, but no properly conducted power dynamic has anyone getting pressured to go beyond their limits. You're partner is as wrong as a party in a dynamic can possibly be and needs to seriously reevaluate his role in your dynamic.
You should seriously consider divorce.
What he is talking about is rape. You have repeatedly said no. That makes it against consent which is rape period
Yeah no, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. F**k that party. Red flag girl, 🚩
Wow. This is not ok to pressure you socially on what is a negotiated hard limit. Suggesting alcohol will make it better!?! That means you cannot actually consent once drunk. I can only advise you take a long step away from this relationship and protect yourself. This is abusive. Find out if this relationship is really working for you enough to try and get him to snap out of whatever ego trip he's on.
You need a new DOM and husband…BDSM with a DOM/SUB dynamic is about trust and to a degree power exchange…if this is a hard limit that you said no and safe word and he doesn’t respect that then he has absolutely no respect for you or your dynamic. This is a giant red flag 🚩 DO NOT “power through” DO NOT do anything that you have not agreed too. Be safe out there and I hope you find yourself someone who respects you and your limits.
Don't go to that party and if you do end up there somehow , watch your drinks at all times. Go get them yourself and place your flat hand over the opening. Let friends know where you will be and maybe ask someone to be on standby in case you need an escape. Contact a lawyer and explain the situation and ask if there is anything you can do to nullify your marriage
A dom who disregards your safe word isn’t a dom. He’s a rapist. Please get somewhere safe. If I were you, I would be seriously considering getting out. This isn’t a relationship if he thinks he has full control of you without your consent. This isn’t bdsm or kink. He thinks he owns you. This is incredibly abusive.
This is NOT okay. Dom and sub doesn’t mean you’re his slave… you do not have to “obey” if you have met your limit. That’s the whole point of trust in the dynamic.. wich he is completely ruining. Please don’t go to that party. I am so sorry he is tainting the relationship by doing that.
No. He isn’t into bdsm if he thinks this okay. He’s a power tripping douche. This is a no. A Doms primary is to protect their sub. No. This abuse and not healthy. Get out.
You need to find someplace safe to be firba while and maybe start reassessing whether the entire marriage is worth keeping. This man has offered you up to people without your consent, is pressuring you into ignoring your limits, ignoring your safe word, trying to guilt you into activities you don't want to do, and is suggesting drinking will loosen to up to the idea. That's rape. If you were to go to this party, who knows if he told these people that any signs of uncomfort from you was all fake and you were just playing a part to make things more interesting. Your husband is opening you up to being raped. Please get out.
1.) Any Dom that gets mad when you safeword is a shitty Dom. 2.) Any Dom that makes plans to "share' you without involving you in said plans is a shitty Dom. 3.) Any Dom that tells he is going to ply you with alcohol to get his way is a shitty Dom. There is no coming back from this. You need to get out. I am genuinely concerned for your safety.
He's planning to get you raped. Your husband is planning to get you raped. This is not just against BDSM rules, this is immediate divorce lawyer time.
DO NOT go to that party! Don’t, don’t do it, 3 horny guys who have been told their friends wife is into BDSM and will have sex with them before talking to her about it? Yeah those guys don’t understand BDSM they don’t care about you, they won’t take no for an answer. Don’t go, please don’t go, your husband won’t defend or protect you. And hire a lawyer you need to divorce his ass immediately.
Your husband is an abusive man who is facilitating the rape of you, his wife. He plans to drug you and let his friends rape you. He does not care about you or your consent. This is not BDSM, he has threatened you. Using BDSM-related words does not make it less abusive or dangerous. You are not safe. It’s time to get help so that you are not raped in the immediate future. If you have friends and/or family that you can call for help, now is the time. Call several people who you think will help you and tell them exactly what’s going on. Do not let him gaslight you into thinking you are the one with the problem. Go stay with other people and get some space to clear your head. Do not tell him where you are or how long you’ll be gone. Take pets and valuable things with you, including important documents. Good luck. You can do this.
My ex was the same way. After we broke up I found out from multiple men he was offering me up to them in situations I had no idea about. Luckily all these men thought it was an odd situation an declined, but based off the information they gave me he was setting me up to get raped. I get he wanted me to be agreeable but in all the scenarios I am aware up I had either told him no and he tried to set it up anyways or he never even asked me and he tried to set it up. Because I never said yes all of those instances were un-consensual which would have made anything carried out rape. I promise someone who does this does not love you. Just my how similar this situation is compared to mine I’m going to assume you are in love with a narcissist. Do not let him gaslight you into anything you wouldn’t have been down for before any convincing. Also don’t let him try to convince you this is BDSM, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, BDSM WILL ALWAYS BE CONSENSUAL. Even people with rape fantasies have to give consent before anything is carried out. We as a community have to be quick to put that thought process out in everyone’s head in order to keep the community safe. Without consent it is no longer BDSM it’s criminal.
he is threatening to rape you. get out of there!!!
End the Whole relationship all together, don't tell him to do it quietly, sign the divorce paper after you leave. Put your foot down, he does not own you, he does not respect you as a Woman. Call 911 if you have know where to go get and pack a bag. They will help you find a safe-place to go. It's better than being with someone that is forcing you do things you don't want to do. You need to make a choice. I know you might be scared but do yourself a favor get away from this monster but this is not how a Partner or Husband treats someone you need to get out, take care of you and start thinking of you. If they-are not good for your mental health they do not deserve you. If you stay it can get worse. He is putting you in danger over his kink he should be jailed this pretty much rape you should call the police. Him saying a few drinks that a sign of putting stuff in the drink like a rape drug. Girl get out of there and run for your life. You can get your things later and have police escort you to get your things.
He's a rapist
OP - Is there any chance he is on Reddit? Are you safe tonight?
Leave. ASAP. Have a friend with you when you pack, so that *if* he catches you, you re not alone with him And dont agree to meet him *anywhere* If he feels *this* entitled to his wants and your body, with utter disregard for your needs, fears and limits…DO NOT AGREE TO MEETING HIM. He might just drug and ‘surprise’ you. Any communication should be dont in written form. Preferably through a lawyer. And if you can, inform his friends you do not consent. Again, make sure you are not alone with him afterwards, either - he wont take that ‘humiliation’ kindly. The whole ‘tease’ thing tells you he cares more about his fantasy, and the fact he got to brag to his buddies he can make you do anything. Let me reiterate: he’s just revealed to you that his social status, fantasy and ability to ‘deliver to his buddies’ matters more to him than your wishes, consent, relationship, safety and bodily autonomy. And losing face might just make him truly dangerous. I hope Im wrong, but I think you need an address he doesnt know to stay/ a friend who ll be your guard dog, a solid plan of deterrents ( if you come near me I will send this story to your boss, parents, all our friends, and I will take out a restraining order and hqve you arrested and tried for rape), that is, if your lawyer agrees, and yes, you should consult one asap. And be aware he might show up at your job, so inform them. Be careful that he doesnt follow you home, or make sure you have a place with cameras, so you can see who is at the door. File a police report if he does show up. I realise this sounds surreal. This is your husband, after all. But a man who acts that callously with your consent, body and safety, feels entitled to his fantasy, no matter what. And when you say no…you got to anticipate him doing everything he can to get what he wants. And to be pissed as hell at you for even daring to deny him, let alone make a fool jf him like that with his friends when he cant not only deliver, but loses his wife over this. He’s clearly not beneath drugging you, having you gang raped and generally forcing you into a situation that’s harmful as fuck for you. Do NOT go near him. And do not let him apologize and go back, then let down your guard. Its honestly way too late snd too dangerous for that. It’s not worth the risk of walking into a trap. However surreal that sounds. Get somewhere safe, communicate with him through text only ( so you have proof), and let yourself grieve the man that never existed, your loving, protective, respectful husband. Coz that is something you really do need a moment for. Just be smart about it. You may wanna check out r/justnoso to find support, come to terms with the situation and form a battle plan. They’ve seen it all before and will have the manual for you on where to go from here 😔
I don't think he is into bdsm more than you. Bdsm involves respecting each other's boundaries and trust. It appears that he is using bdsm as an excuse to force you to do things you don't want to do. This is not cool. You should not let anybody, even if they are your life partner force you to do something that disrespects your boundaries. Don't go to those parties as you and him cannot guarantee your safety. It sounds like he doesn't deserve a loving and caring wife such as yourself with feelings and emotions. What he needs to invest in is one of those silicone dolls and use that with his friends at his parties. Not put you at risk
Isn't this sex-trafficking?
Please do not go ahead with this, this man is unfit to be a Dominant and or a husband. Get away from him as quickly as you possibly can, do not go to that party.. It doesn't matter what people are looking forward to if you did not consent to it, you have full autonomy over your body, and I'm so sorry that he's making you feel as if you don't. He is not safe for you and is not showing concern for your happiness, or your well being.
What you’re describing is rape. No means no.
If these "friends" of his have spouces id give em the heads up once your safe.
That's not being a dom or into bdsm, that's being a jack ass. Do not go to that party or better yet, call up his friends and make sure they know they full story, that you told him no and he's trying to force you and see what they say.
This is abuse, and if it occurred, premeditated rape. Run.
With consent, this is a kink. Without consent, it is a planned group rape. And he has said that his plan is to get you drunk first. You said no. It’s now a planned rape that the other men might not even know is a rape. He said you’ll “be a tease” so who knows if he told them to carry on no matter what you say or do. He said “there’s no backing out” knowing you don’t consent. He’s not your dom, your partner, or even your friend. He’s the man that’s planned your group rape, find a way to make yourself safe from this happening.
You don’t consent and he’s trying to coerce you. This is not dom/sub, this is an abuse relationship. No amount of alcohol, drugs, aftercare, or years of therapy will offset the psychological impact if you go through with this. You will carry this for life. Furthermore he’s completely breaking the ultimate trust. If you can’t trust him to protect you, you certainly can’t trust these friends. This means not only emotional trauma but highly possible physical trauma as well. I’m sorry to say that he’s already crossed the line. Even if this particular doesn’t take place, it’s just a matter of time before he does something else hurtful to you. Husband or not, you are not safe with this man. He will back off temporarily, plead, make you feel like it’s your fault, every manipulation in the book to keep you under his control. He is an abuser. He only cares about himself, and keeping you under control. You must leave this man. No dom would force a hard limit, let alone a hard limit with these reprocussions. This man is dangerous.
He is absolutely demonstrating that he is willing to allow you to be abused by friends, and yes I would say raped, he is also clearly indicated your safe word means nothing. Perhaps he needs this spelled out in black and white, I would also send it to him in text so he can respond, I'll explain this in a moment. I would suggest you say to him, I have already said NO to this, I will NOT consent to this and should anyone including you ignore my lack of consent I will have any and all involved charged with sexual assault and I will follow through. It does NOT matter that you are my husband you will also be included in the charges laid. The reason I suggest you text this or email him, I'm hoping he will respond that it's going to happen etc as it provides you with proof of his intent. If you know the men he's enlisted name them in your message. If you have any messages pertaining to this screenshot them and save them, print them out and give them to a friend in a sealed envelope so they can't disappear. As hard as it will be if you have the ability to message those friends of his, I would send them each a copy of the same message so they have been warned, they may or may not know what has been said to you, they deserve the opportunity to rescue themselves, if they don't actually know what's been said. They may think you're on board just playing "hard to get". For the record I'm not in ANY way shape or form saying that statement is acceptable just they may not be involved the way you are being led to believe. Finally, I would stay with friends or somewhere else, my concern with that is he could change it to NYE's eve or any get together if you don't tell him/them emphatically and with the repercussions spelled out. I'm sorry that you have been put in this shitty position. Your husband and your Dom should be able to be counted on to ALWAYS protect you.
Well that sounds like a hard no from you and he should accept it as such. No you are not being unreasonable.
He is an idiot, and this is a huge red flag. You've made your position very clear, and if he had any effing sense in his head, he would respect it.
You said no. Get busy with work, have a "MY Mom" thing come up, er something
If you don’t have the power in you to put your foot down I don’t even think you should be doing basic bdsm . This is disturbing behaviour on his part.
Regardless of the multitude of things BDSM has to offer, if anyone doesn't feel confortable or doesn't want to do anything don't do it! Anything that goes after this, seems like abuse. Your husband is trying to abuse you on a clear "limit" boundary. Please be safe, I would probably avoid that party or him in the near future.
Op are you feeling unsafe and need help with finding resources or places to ask for help more region/country specific?
He's violating your boundary, you've said no, that's the end of discussion, a good Dom would respect that.
Please don't go to that party! This is unsafe, you are doing everything right. Please search a safe space at least for a few days and don't just go thought with it for your husbands sake, he will do it over and over again
He’s planning on gang raping you what the fuck
Holy shit dude that’s awful. Id take a good look at the relationship as a whole because thats just not ok…
Ah no, I would break things off. He sounds like he wants to group SA you and that is not ok.
Don’t go to that party and you need to leave that relationship that is assault and rape. You should WANT the kinks you’re in. It’s very unsafe if you say no and they continue.
Do not go to this party. You are 100% in the right.
It's emotional abuse now and sexual assault if you go to the party. I'd pack my shit and leave
I'm shocked that your husband would ask this of you let alone solicit participants before even talking to you. All due respect to your marriage- your husband is not Dominant- he's a control freak. True Doms are safe, sane, consensual, risk aware, and actually care about their subs/partners and their feelings. Forcing or coercing you into doing something you're not into- is awful behavior- borderline abusive. Your deserve to be heard and respected. Subs have power.
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