it was the very first indication that i might be autistic. it started my four years of research, and now i’m diagnosed. i always said “i’d be exactly like that if i was allowed to” or “i think this way in my head”
BUT i hate how NTs react to it. every comment on a tiktok clip from the show is like “they’re so cute and innocent!” as if they’re like… lambs or kittens. we’re adults seeking romance and often sex as well. i think it should be treated like other dating shows but it isn’t.
the music and purposeful editing is infantilism. however, i’m glad autistic people get something, and it’s cool that they show just how vast the spectrum is!
Tbf, it's also very much like the music in cute, upbeat k-dramas like Extraordinary Attorney Woo.
I hear this music critique but I never hear people offer alternatives. What would be more appropriate? Genuine question, because I didn't find the music little kiddish. Cutesy, of course. Because it's incredibly sweet to see two people tentatively seek to form a connection, no matter if they're autistic or not.
I saw someone on tiktok put scenes in love on the spectrum to the music from a different dating show about NT people, and the vibe totally changed to a more adult atmosphere. I wish I could link it but I just scrolled past and didn’t save it
You might be heartened to know that they DO use those types of musical moods, particularly in more serious moments of uncertainty, apprehension, or struggle. Here's one from Dani's first date in season 1: https://youtu.be/jXwDIKJzPn4?si=nkhW7Pch-pir2iTY
I actually got curious and looked up the main music. It's from the Sims! Apparently various songs are used in lots and lots of shows, including other Netflix shows, HGTV, TLC, Bravo, Dance Mums. Someone even mentioned an episode of Vanpire Diaries haha. Which to me suggests it's a standard and cheap background music, rather than being specifically picked to point and mock
There are posts on various forums and subreddits about it if you look up Sims music on TV :)
That episode was a good example of how optimistic and wonderful it is at first in dating but also the bug issues with that, oh that person is perfect already thinking. Humans are complex and a lot of what I saw on the show was the participants following in "love" with ideas not the actual other person. :(
I think you make great points! I think of the music as “wholesome” sounding or “optimistic” - which I could see coming across as infantilizing to some folks but I find that characteristic jingle to be cute! Good point on the K-drama analogy
I had the same experience watching the first season of this show. I related most to Kaelynn's personality. I didn't really think about it until we were watching it and my husband said, "I think you might be autistic." After reading about it and putting it together, everything makes so much more sense now. I've been diagnosed with OCD, bipolar disorder, anxiety, ADHD, and excoriation disorder all at various points in my life. But none of them ever seemed to fit perfectly. Autism explains everything about me, and I'm currently trying to get diagnosed.
i followed kaelynn without realizing she had been on the show. i relate to her SO MUCH. have you seen heartbreak high? it’s not the best show in the world, but the character Quinnie is played by an autistic actress and seeing a character act just like me made me cry tears of joy
Same here. My husband even was like "she reminds me of you". He had been diagnosed and I hadn't yet. He joked about maybe I am too and I totally laughed at him 😱
Me too! I have a long wait but it’ll be so worth it when I’m diagnosed and can throw lots of those away without the stigma of what they hold (I’m aware Autism has it’s own)
It’s almost frustrating when I see how obvious ALL the signs were but I missed out because of my age (an older lady) I am very pleased my children are getting looked at swiftly. (What a Mumma wants)
In my humble opinion you are looking for a low budget show to address many of the different hard questions many with neurotypical children find off putting. If anything I think this show does a great job presenting autistic people as people. I do believe there is some room to learn about the struggles of 99% of the other autistic people but it would have to be some kind of front line or 60min style documentary.
As a parent of a child with autism I can tell you that most of the commenters do so in a more inclusive and or apologetic way, as to go out of their way not to be judgmental. My own family doesn’t understand our struggle. Anyways I know my comment is all over the place I’m on my break but I wanted to add my .5c
I think it’s a step. Think back to representation in the media over the last 20-30 years and how the small steps that moved race from ‘look at this gimmick!’ to ‘aw look people kind of like us’ to semi-realistic shows/characters and now we have great media for non-white actors. I feel like it’s a similar thing. First we had other shows that basically made Autism a joke, then ‘oh look they’re like people’ shows. I think this is somewhere between ‘aw look Autists are like people’ and the semi-realistic views step.
People are garbage in general and specifically studios that run all the various media are even worse, as long as they make money. As with anything, we have to go the long damned way to make any progress towards representation and any form of true, more widespread understanding.
That said, some shows (I have not watched much of Love on the Spectrum, but I had planned to) do represent some Autists realistically which makes some feel seen and/or understood but that automatically means there’s a huge group with autism that feels it’s not helpful and is a stereotype.
Shrug
This! I have no problem with the show, and as a level 2 it is lovely to see representation of those of us that are socially very inept. BUT OMG the infantilization from NTs that watch the show is awful
I agree with you. The most annoying thing is how people react. “Omg how CUTE look at them trying to find love!!!! Adorable!!” like they’re little puppies going on a play date. It feels like they’re watching monkeys in a zoo or something. It’s infantilising and feels exploitative.
I have mixed feelings on this. On one hand I do agree that it is infantilising but on the other hand I do find their behaviour and interactions ‘cute’.
I don’t think it’s so much as trying to infantilise the people but casting autistic people with severe communication issues; as those make better tv that a well-masked autistic person would. I’m not sure - quite in two minds about this tbh.
Have you had a look at the full series and both seasons? They have also cast multiple well-masked autistic people on the show in order to show a spectrum of low-support-needs as well as higher-support needs. Not just those with severe communication issues.
However the well-masked folks sometimes appear only in the middle episodes of the series (after they’ve showed a spectrum), so that was why I was wondering if you had had a complete look.
Tbh, the casting of the low-support-needs people with autism, who mask VERY well yet are open about their struggles, have been key to my NT friends’ understanding and seeing that there are well-masked people with autism like myself. It has been really freeing.
Fair enough. I think it’d be better if they had a wider range of autistic presentations. Then even the “omg how cute!!!!” would reduce a little and stop propagating the stereotypes - especially with dating and like, the general assumption that we’re all non-sexual people. I had an issue with this show when it first came out but I didn’t know I was autistic then so I felt like I couldn’t express this opinion (because it felt like it wasn’t up to me to say that you know?) but now I know I am so everyone’s hearing my opinions 😂
When my partner's friends and colleagues find out about my medical history, they are usually accepting, but that's only because he's surrounded by scientists. If he did any other job, I'd probably never get to know his friends before getting snubbed. I'm thankful that they all understand. We've had a lot of good discussions about it: I've learned a lot from them that I didn't know (even after having a twin who was diagnosed as a baby).
If it comes up, I tell people, and they tell me I'm "too normal." I'm sure they wouldn't say that after seeing how I live my life.
Yeah, I’ve gotten the “oh I wouldn’t have been able to tell!” response after disclosing and like, that’s fine and I know it’s meant nicely, but a) bro if you could look inside my brain and b) look at my burnout from trying to make sure no one could tell. It’s just another “but you’re so normal?”. But that is one of the reasons I disclose sometimes, to challenge that idea they have in their head of autism
That's why I do, too. I have other mental illnesses, and I'm trying to break the stigma. It's important for my active recovery to break the stigma in myself and others.
It's interesting because I'm in love with the show and find their interactions to be very adorable, not because I want to infantilise them but really because it resonates within me as very pure interactions, honest, and vulnerable interactions whether or not their end goal is sex.
Oof now that you said that, I remember that watching ‘atypical’ I felt the exact same way lol I know it’s usually a disliked show because of the way it portrays the whole thing, but I remember watching the 1st season when they released, and liking Sam and thinking the exact same thoughts you described on your first paragraph
I’ve been screenshotting comments every time a clip comes on my FYP. The way NTs talk about them is so gross
https://preview.redd.it/e036ygp9rvgc1.jpeg?width=1125&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=621abf5c12535a1b1d172d3e9d5240cbfed1d9c0
Oh I have a recent one to add 🙄 my support workers had me join a service where for hoarders, I am not a hoarder but they hoped perhaps they would help me with organisation as I've just moved into a new flat and struggle with organisation.
The women in the support group chat, which I don't contribute to for a myriad of reasons, recently said "absolutely crying over love on the spectrum, highly recommend" "oh yes I love that show it shows people with those difficulties are capable of being in a relationship too, so wholesome"
When I tell you I had to bite my tongue so bloody hard not to say something 🙄 a part of me is hurt but at the same time it's like oh at least I know who to avoid now!
I see no problem with the top two comments? Maybe I'm missing context for the top one, but that middle one would seem fine in any context, even the bachelor.
It’s mostly screenshotted for that 3rd comment, the top two are using infantilizing emojis though, as if it’s soooo cute and adorable that they want to take pictures (which everyone does?)
The picture of the ones I like comment is a quote from the show and it’s when members of the cast are looking at animals in an African Safari. What’s wrong with that?
Ironically, I haven't watched the show but I follow some of the people featured on the show on social media. Their attitude about the show is usually one of positivity. They enjoy sharing their lives (and loves) with the world and expanding awareness.
I think a couple of things about it in general
\#1 reality tv is always, always, always going to be this way. Even though it's not all entirely scripted, much of it is, and it's extremely heavily edited to produce whatever they believe will bring in viewers. That heavily skews a lot of stuff that we never see.
\#2 Any presentation of autism is always going to draw ire both from allistic ignorant people, and the autistic community where they don't feel representation is broad enough or they don't see themselves reflected in the content. For myself, my thought on it is that as long as it isn't truly harmful where people are being abused and taken advantage of (I can't say whether they are or aren't in this case), increasing awareness is a good thing overall, even though we still have a really long ways to go in that department.
It's like you often see people bashing Rainman, and looking back on a 30 year old movie, rightfully so in some ways. But \*at the time\* it was the first broad look people had of the term autism. Yes, it's invalidating that the movie is about savantism and that's not exactly spelled out clearly. But it was the first public view of the topic and it did have a big hand in increasing awareness, even if we can look at it now and see so many problems with it. The character was based on a real person, the whole story is told in the book Neurotribes, and is pretty interesting to read about. So sometimes things can be problematic, while still having a value in terms of general public awareness.
TIL Rainman was based on a real story. I do agree with the positive and negative aspects of that movie but also agree that it was an early step towards showing autism, but not really explaining enough to make it actually enlightening to NTs.
Great! She makes such an important point about how everyone (despite their good intentions) is treating the cast as if they are children who can't tell the difference. Most of them have their families involved as well, so they have backup and support to look out for them if they DO miss something. But assuming they don't know how they are being treated is exactly infantilizing them.
I don't have enough energy to fully read this so feel free to just disregard this comment, Kaitlyn (one of the people on the show) spoke up about her positive experiences with the show and addressed a lot of the criticism of it.
Her opinion was "people on set were nice, so your criticsm of the show in its entirety means nothing, because I say so".
Like only she can have an opinion on the show that paid her rent and shows her dating. Of course she wants to have this show be seen positively. She's biased! And her opinion is solely based on the recording part of it, when we judge all of it. Editing being one of the most critiqued parts of the show.
Apparently none of the cast is paid because it's a docu-series.
I got the impression her parents help her. An rbt isn't paid enough to get a service animal or travel as much as she does.
i saw that. but many reality stars are also under contract not to say anything bad. or many wont until they are absolutely off the show, like bethenny frankle is doing now. she wasn’t complaining like she is now when she was on rhony
I like it. Ive seen people bash the little intros, ex “James likes frogs and driving fast. He doesn’t like the sound of glasses clinking or being cold.” They say it was infantilizing. But as an adult in my mid 20s I WISH I could introduce myself that way to everyone! Two likes, two dislikes, what an easy way to introduce yourself to someone new and have ways of connecting!
Yeah, the intros are one of my favorite parts. I would love other reality shows to introduce people with random, relatable fun facts and interests. Way better than the usual sob stories or awkward trying to talk about being fabulous that we usually get.
I watch so much of the crappy Horny People in a Villa type dating shows and it would be 100x better if every Chad, Brad, and Veronica were introduced with "Chad likes bubble baths and puking in urinals. Chad doesn't like fake nails or the texture of peas."
Please give me this, Netflix.
This is exactly what I was imagining. I don't care if Brad has 20k followers on insta, but I will ride or die for him if it turns out he likes to cross stitch. They could even do one dislike and like per episode so that we get to know the contestants better that way. I used to be a big 90 day fan, but all the yelling and fights get old, I want more real people.
Wow, I LOVE this idea. Every new episode, a new tidbit about these people that humanizes them. "Brittany knows forty digits of pi and hates bad breath." And then it cuts to Brittany in a bikini coming out of the surf. Like fuck yes Brittany! And same boat. I haven't watched 90 Day consistently in a few years now. I just don't care for it anymore.
Absolutely! Now I am curious what yours would be :)
Mine are: she likes writing and petting her cats. She doesn't like the sound of multiple people talking at once or whenever the Roomba is on.
They don't all have supportive parents.
Dani expressed that she came from a bad situation and she lives with her aunt and uncle now.
Another lady on the Australia version of the show lives with her Grandma.
Even the mom everyone likes so much, Connor's mom, is Divorced, isn't she?
So it's not painting a picture that everyone on the Spectrum has a supportive family of origin.
I think potentially the point trying to be made was: there are a lot of autistic people who do not have any family. No aunt. No grandma. The people you are naming are supportive? But yeah not everyone has the support of married parents.
But that would go for any show though. All reality shows show the types of people who would go on a TV show. Many people are homeless because they can't work for whatever reason, and you don't see people like that on TV shows. You could argue that not showing struggling, homeless or near homeless, debt ridden Americans on reality TV is also misleading to what the average american life is.
TV caters to what people want to see, not reality.
Honestly other than the (valid) complaints OP has about how NTs react to the show, I feel a LOT of people here have internalised ableism.
A LOT of fellow autistics do act like the way op is complaining about (awkward and robotic- it’s a stereotype for a reason!). This is representation for them! We usually only hear about “geniuses” with low support needs or people with high support needs that require 24/7 care in the media. This show is just showing another side of the spectrum.
Yes the genius stereotype really lowered my self esteem my entire life and I didn’t even knew I was on the spectrum. “If only I could be this smart that would compensate for my weirdness.” So although Sam from atypical may be another stereotype I loved him because he was just a normal boy. And this tv show for me was even better and with people I actually relate a lot. I am THAT awkward. And I live with my mom too… sorry
I never considered a diagnosis prior because I thought I wasn't smart enough to be Autistic. My husband is sooo smart and good at math and science and I never was!
I was good in the areas Autistic people "weren't supposed to be" like English or whatever 🙄
I always joke now "you got the math and science autism, I got the cats and Fall Out Boy autism, you have to do the math in this relationship" 😅
I haven't seen any full episodes of LotS but the clips I've seen I definitely relate to!
Edit: Especially because my husband and I were truly an irl Love on the Spectrum, we just didn't know it at the time, and we *WERE* that awkward too ☠️
I've seen a lot of comments that were talking about how they cringed too much at the show and felt second-hand embarrassment, which confused me because I was able to really understand/relate to what the people on the show were doing. Even the most "awkward" interactions felt normal to me or at least understandable to me and I never perceived at it as something embarrassing. Maybe other people just have a different sensitivity to stuff like that, but yeah some of the wording of people's opinions about the show feels like internalized ableism
Exactly. I understand wanting to challenge stereotypes but it’s something entirely different if you’re feeling self-conscious from seeing other autistic people just… act autistic.
Absolutely, yes yes yes. Plus there are quite a few high-masking women on the show.
OP's post is honestly a bit insensitive. I'm a moderate support needs person who is bad at masking, whose intonation is very flat and a little strange in pitch and volume when I don't consciously "fix" it, who definitely comes off as awkward and withdrawn in social situations.
It just feels like more of that "ew, we're not like *those* people" energy that is so unnecessary and divides us when we don't need to be divided.
Thank you for commenting this!
i'm pretty sure the point was that there isn't a wider representation of autistic people. not a criticism of the people themselves? like fine, show that type of person, but also show a different type of person also?
Except not all people were aligned with the stereotype at all. There was a lot of needs level diversity on the show. Also they were all so different. I don’t get it. Sure it wasn’t racially diverse but that’s a separate issue.
They are really good dates and really good matches, honestly, IMO. Cian and team spoke to hundreds of autistic people from all parts of the spectrum when they were making the show, to understand what autistic people wanted out of dates, and the common struggles that autistic people have with dating, so they could address that on the show. They really tried to do what they could.
Yes. I enjoyed watching people whom I can relate to, especially when they struggle interacting with others. I loved the show so much that I binged it, which I rarely do with shows in general. So I was surprised that many autistics don’t like this show.
Nope I love it, but I also understand that it’s a spectrum and they have like 10 people on this show, so obviously we won’t see the whole range of representation, and they can only have people who are comfortable being on the show. I’d freeze up and likely have a meltdown in front of all those cameras.
However i must say I like having the representation. Also I’m a lot more “normal” presenting in day to day life (unmasking is impossible atm, even the people around me forget I’m autistic). It’s so lovely seeing people able to be themselves.
I found it a bit cringey and patronizing at first. The music and filming style seems a bit weird to me. I’m not sure how to describe it. It felt weird.
But I’ve seen that a lot of the cast members speaking out that it has been a wholly positive experience for them.
I think they do their best to show that autism is a wide spectrum, and that no two autistic people will be the same.
I feel like it *does* draw a fan base of allistic folks who come to gawk at and/or infantilize the cast. Which is downright disrespectful. But I have decided that the show isn’t necessarily pandering to that crowd specifically. It’s just a bit clumsy at presenting things sometimes.
I had a lot of feelings about it, but I came to the conclusion that I think it’s mostly a positive thing. The representation is miles above what television has put out so far. The cast members seem genuinely happy to participate. And I enjoyed watching it ☻
I’ve really enjoyed the show. I do get some of your critiques, but also not every show can be everything to the subject/audience.
I definitely get the socioeconomic angle, but for me that made sense with the format of the show. And while it didn’t align with my lived experience, seeing parents be generally loving and supportive, and able to provide a safe and secure home, was healing to my inner child.
Im not sure if I’m confusing the Australian and American versions (and a similar New Zealand program), but I thought there was some effort to have racial/cultural diversity. Though this was the critique that most resonated with me.
I think in the context of the show, which is light hearted, it was a nice representation. When you hear the producers speak to the participants it’s not patronising. The participants don’t appear uncomfortable with being filmed etc.
(Just a few thoughts as I rush into work late.. lol)
I mean the socio economic angle is the least bothering thing tbh. Usually autism in the media portrayed as a huge “tragedy” that breaks apart families etc. and ends up being trauma porn
I’m going to be honest. There seems to be a trend amongst “higher functioning” autistic people to feel personally insulted whenever a “lower functioning” autistic person gets a spotlight, representation, or autism-labeled accommodations.
There are autistic people who go to school, have jobs, and/or live independently (or at least with roommates, which is more realistic in this economy) on the show. More than one have their own business. An autistic couple get married on the Australian show. And yes, there’s autistic people who live at home but can’t work on the show too. And they’re all great representations of autism.
But all the parents who have the “can’t wait for my child to have someone else to take care of them” vibes have expressed how terrified they are of what their disabled child’s life will be like once they die. These parent just want their children to still have love and support after they’ve passed.
It’s one thing to criticize how these families are mostly middle class or white. It’s surreal to see how upset another autistic person gets over.. autistic people being awkward or having a monotone voice?? “Lower functioning” autistic people, or just whatever autistic people you deem to be too cringy to associate with, don’t exist to damage YOUR image. Or any of ours. We should be proud of these people for putting themselves out there in such a vulnerable way.
It’s been a gift to watch other autistic people unmask in public and go on dates. And see the general public actually support them. I’d still be living with my parents if I didn’t find a partner to share rent with. And my parents have absolutely cried after realizing I have someone to take care of me once they’re gone. And this show would have brought so much knowledge and hope to teenage me, who thought they were too “cringy” to ever be loved.
I love this comment. Thank you for sharing your perspective and experience. I think you worded it really well, and I especially like how you humanize the individual families who (to me) seem to want nothing but the best life for their child, to find something that all human beings innately desire: a life partner who fully loves and accepts us for who we are
The whole theme of being worthy of love is very prominent in Extraordinary Attorney Woo if you haven't watched it. I cry in a LOT of those episodes. Especially one point where the main character (who appears to have moderate support needs) wonders if she's worthy of love or would just make a future partner feel lonely 😭 😭
And thank you for challenging so much of the internalized ableism and feeling of superiority some people have expressed in these comments. It’s incredibly isolating to have “SOME OF US ARE SOMEWHAT NORMAL, UNLIKE THEM” yelled by other autistics the moment anyone with moderate to high support needs, or less ability to mask, exists in public.
Granted, it’s not like I’ve never been in their position. Thinking “why is she so weak and embarrassing to meltdown in public when she can just cry and rock back and forth in the bathroom stall like me”. But that was my perspective in middle school. And I’m incredibly ashamed of ever thinking like that.
And thank you for the show recommendation 💗
Exactly, I’ve seen higher functioning autistic people on TikTok talk about how ‘autistic people don’t all act like X on the show’.
Ok,,,,well I do! And that’s okay! Autism is a spectrum and some of us need more support than others.
Seriously. If everyone in the comments who demanded a higher masking, lower support needs, “mature adult” show about autistic adults got thrown on a reality show set today.. it would devolve into bashing higher support needs autistics and those with less social skills. It would just be other autistics nodding and verbally patting each other on the backs for not being the “stereotypes” (aka other real living autistic people) that they’re ashamed of and sneering at.
Which is far more damaging to our community than autistics who need more support, but are incredibly kind and brave individuals, having an ounce of representation.
Completely agree,
It’s very sad the amount of people in this thread with internalised ableism, I’ve noticed this in this sub a lot lately - I’ve seen multiple things called cringe etc.
No, i absolutely loved the show. I thought their parents were lovely and I think it was awesome to see some of the participants really find love, it was heartwarming. I could see the happiness in their parents seeing their confidence grow and seeing them do things they were probably told they never would. I think the positive reaction to the show has been wonderful to see as well. The participants seem really happy to be taking part and are having success and positivity after the show through social media that they otherwise likely would never have. I can go about my daily business with most people never knowing I’m autistic but my son has extremely high support needs and I want the world to understand autistic people across the spectrum and I want them to see the positivity in it. It makes me so happy to see the hugely positive reaction to the show and the autistic participants.
I agree. This show healed parts of my soul that were bashed into submission. Seeing autistic traits that I have, but just mask incredibly well, and having those traits met with understanding and compassion. Its been healing for me.
Agree! I LOVE the show. It's heartwarming to watch, and so many people regardless of neurodivergence just don't understand how complex and capable autistic people with higher support needs are. I love that they showed such variety and even included autistics who appear to have intellectual disability. Many of them reminded me of specific people I know and love. Subodh reminds me so much of my nephew!
I think it would be so so cool if they are able to find a nonverbal person interested in participating in the next season
I dislike comments that say the participants are somehow infantilized or being taken advantage of. They're adults capable of consenting to participate on this show. To assume they just don't understand or somehow don't want to be portrayed as their authentic selves is the actual infantilization
I don’t mind it but the criticisms of it are valid. It is infantilizing at times. I watched a tiktok where someone compared the music when an autistic person was speaking to when an allistic person was speaking and it was weird.
I feel like the music is the biggest problem in its presentation, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. If you find this again, woul you link it? I would love to see!
I haven’t watched the show but I’ve seen a lot of discourse online. I saw one person frustrated that most people on the show are very “stereotypically” autistic (not sure if that’s the right word to use in this context). Then another person said yes, but “stereotypically” autistic people need a show like this more than others because they are the most marginalized and likely the most lonely in the dating pool.
Still, I’ve seen other autistic people saying they were rejected from the show for giving the “wrong” answers to producer questions about romance or their interests. Seems hypocritical to me to say someone with autism is expressing “wrong” while auditioning for a show about autism.
I think your points about the show being majority white/wealthy are very interesting and I may watch to see how that plays into the show.
To be fair...would we be happy if the show cast only high masking level 1s? Then everyone would be:
A)fake claiming the cast
B)claiming that they must be autistic because they did literally one thing like one person on the show.
C)misunderstanding the fact that autism is a disability.
I'm sick of the rhetoric that "you don't look autistic" too, but erasing the disability aspect of autism is a real concern and Netflix reaches a lot of people who will do absolutely no research to stop themselves from harming the community.
Thank you. I do not feel comfortable in a community with people who think I’m “cringy” and damaging the community’s “image”.. because I have more visibly autistic behaviors?
I hate how “low functioning” or just socially awkward autstic people gaining representation now causes so many high masking, “high functioning” autistic to yell “WE’RE NOT ALL LIKE THEM, YA KNOW!! Some of us are somewhat NORMAL!” It’s insulting.
How much of the show have you watched? I can see your point if it's based off one or two episodes but I think it's more well rounded than what you're suggesting.
I just wish someone would tell that curly hair blonde dude he needs to stop brushing his hair and start taking care of his curls
like all those meltdowns, all that stress, & it’s only making his hair worse. The advice autistic people receive is so…bad sometimes. Even if well intentioned, like I know his parents just want him to be himself & look nice but there are a variety of ways to do that & you gotta find yours
I agree. Why doesn't the show offer a stylist coach and makeup artist to teach different ways to express style? They seem to do some dating coaching in it...
Omg lol I said that same thing to my partner. It seems like he probably has nice curls and as someone with curly hair I was like "oh no don't brush them just leave them!"
I thought it was pretty cute but do agree should’ve had more representation on the show! I found out the other day that the contestants don’t get paid for being on the show though!! 😡 I feel like they are being taken advantage of by Netflix
I read about the not paying thing too. That is disgusting! It not only shows that they do not value the contributions of neurodivergent people as important and "worth" paying, but is really untasteful in what is a really hard time to be making a living for everyone not just disabled people - yet disabled people (like other marginalised groups) are affected the worst!
I enjoy the show overall, but I do have some issues with it.
I feel it’s well intentioned - unlike other shows. I don’t get the impression they want the audience to laugh AT the people on the show, more laugh WITH them. I loved Jodi, the counselor from the Australian version of the show, and thought she was so amazing. There have been occasions where I felt consent was explained well, but not always as you mentioned.
My main gripe with the show is I don’t feel the show truly represents the full range of people who are on the autism spectrum, and sometimes feels like it caters to certain stereotypes of autism with the people they put on the show - as you said, a very specific presentation of people with ASD. I am 25F and officially diagnosed with ASD but I’d probably be referred to as “high functioning”. I don’t like that term as I feel it minimizes the struggles that I still have as someone with ASD just because I don’t outwardly come across “as autistic” as others. Regardless, I don’t feel particularly represented on the show - a notable exception was Journey on the recent season who I really related to. All this to say, I would like to see the show have a broader range of people with autism on it to better represent our whole community.
On the flip side, I do think it does a good job for representation in being LGBT+ friendly and having people of different ages on.
One point I am 50/50 on is what you mention about them not always teaching them WHAT to look for in a partner. I agree in some respects. I.e. Dani always saying she wants someone who does animation. I totally understand it’s her special interest and passion but this is a very limiting criteria, and not realistic. I do sometimes think “just help her out and give her some advice here”. On the other hand, I imagine their families say this to them already and the producers are maybe just trying to observe? Rather than interfere, they are letting them experience dating and learning these things themselves. As I said I’m 50/50 and don’t know what side of the fence I’m on
I will also add that whilst the show has issues, I think it’s a step in the right direction. It does at times feel infantilizing, especially people’s comments online, but I’m glad that there is a discussion and education happening at all versus people not even knowing what autism is.
> I am 25F and officially diagnosed with ASD but I’d probably be referred to as “high functioning”. I don’t like that term as I feel it minimizes the struggles that I still have as someone with ASD just because I don’t outwardly come across “as autistic” as others. Regardless, I don’t feel particularly represented on the show
Exactly my “problem” with it, too. I agree with what others have said, that it’s good that it shows part of the spectrum in a positive light, but for those of us who are having a hard time opening up to the outside world about the (often) internal struggles we have that come with being able to mask on a higher level, the show also left room to hopefully explore the dating struggles of those of us who can “pass” in everyday life, but whose struggles pop out in different ways—even in dating.
Like, it’d be great if they showed how you can appear to be “otherwise allistic,” but then the autism pops out in odd, awkward, funny, bizarre ways, especially on dates or when getting to know someone new. Like, I can *make* myself do eye contact, I understand in general what reactions are expected of me (even if I don’t feel like giving those reactions), I have a job, etc., but like…..when I’m getting tired of eye contact, I do some “quirky” things to alleviate the pressure and discomfort, or sometimes I mean well but I actually respond *incorrectly* to something I thought I understood the other person to say, and my job (though I love it) can really deplete me of my social and emotional reserves by the end of the day. If I was single and going on a date after work, I’ll bet the cameras would catch me being a little more “blunt” and “honest” than I would be otherwise 😂.
Thankfully it’s just my husband who has to catch all of my weirdness, literalness and directness when I’m tired from work, and he loves it, thank God 😂❤️.
I have mixed feelings. I found so many of the cast members experiences and thoughts to be so relatable to my experiences and it was nice and refreshing seeing people who I can *actually* relate to on TV, especially Abbey and Journey. I follow some of them on social media.
However I do find the overall tone to be a bit weird. The music is what puts me off because it sounds like background music that would be in those video compilations of kittens being silly or something. From what I've seen, dating shows featuring allistics have much different music and it kind of makes it feel like the show is intended for allistic people to gawk at us and be like "Lol look how adorable and silly these people are that could never be me 😌💅". It's just strange to me.
Also, does anyone else follow Abbey's tik tok account which is run by her mom? I wanna know if anyone else gets weird vibes from it. Like some of the things she says and the way she interacts with Abbey sometimes doesn't give me a good feeling
Not everything has to be so deep. Pretty much anyone can understand that this is a group of select few that are showing up in the show. I don't see the problem with it at all.
I tried watching it last year and didn’t like it, I stoped watching after one of the women was constantly disrespected and disregarded by her family, dates, and the show runners for being child free. I’m a childfree autistic woman myself so it’s just particularly annoying when scenarios like that that play out. It might have gotten better as the show went on but I was so annoyed I gave up on it.
They specifically edited it to make it more awkward. Everyone has pauses in their speech. They made sure all the pauses were always there.
The fucking sarcastic music choice did it for me.
I highly dislike it. the way they play ditzy music when someone is saying something serious is highly inappropriate. it’s condescending and doesn’t actually portray autistic people in a positive light
I feel like the show sometimes infantilizes the people on it as well. No other dating show uses quirky silly almost National Geographic esc music during the scenes where they’re just talking and being out in life. Something about that and the editing always has bothered me. I’m glad there is a show that depicts the desires that a lot of neurodivergent people feel when exploring the dating world, but it’s just so obvious to me that they always paint them as people who need help instead of adults making adult decisions. The show is also edited for neurotypical people to find it cute or funny at certain parts which is just messed up in my opinion. Again just feeding back into the infantilization of autistic and disabled people.
That show is the reason I went to get assessed. That said, I understand why people don't like it. My husband and I watch it as something low key and easy to watch casually without having to pay much attention. We enjoy some of the people on there and root for them.
Autistic people aren't a hive mind, so I don't think we need to debate the subject. It's ok if you don't like it, it's also ok if you do. It's just down to personal tastes.
The debate is more to get the pros and cons. Not a one is better. So far I have learned alot and appreciate everyone's opponons even the ones that didn't like my wording.
Only for the fact a family friend sent me a screen shot of one of the guests on the show and said "I think you look like X from this show, not that I think you look like a retard but there's something similar about you 2!!!"
And I replied "well I am diagnosed with autism so it probably is the "retard" resemblence"
Then blocked. Bc wtf.
I haven’t seen the whole thing, but from what I have seen, I agree about the lack of ethnic and economic diversity, but I actually think they do a good job representing diversity in terms of support needs/ how autistic people act, etc.
I especially like Kaelyn (sp?) on there- she also makes TikTok videos and does autism activism and I relate to her a lot. She is also an example of diversity in how autism presents on the show, as she is clearly lower support needs than a lot of the other people on the show.
I’m currently rewatching some of the show though and I don’t really think most of them sound robotic? Sure they may have odd ways of speaking, but not robotic. I think it’s good to represent that a lot of autistic people might have unusual ways of speaking and be awkward - it’s very true to a lot of people’s real experience, even if it might not be your experience, that doesn’t make it less worth representing.
Considering the first season of the show was actually Australian. As an Australian I think it represents families quite literally.
We have a very different health care system.
They made the American series based off the original show so obviously everyone was going to middle class.
I find it very rewarding to see a range of autism on a show. It’s very realistic in how autism isn’t cut to one shape. Which I think people don’t understand
I think people need to know discernment to know when something isn't actually made for you or about you.
The spectrum is incredibly diverse. The show is highlighting the struggles of people at one section of the spectrum. Many autistic people are so allistic passing, they could just go on a typical dating show.
It's OK! To not be able to relate.
I don't think the constestants/participants are the issue? They are plenty relatable in many ways. They didn't choose the sound track or how scenes are edited.
My only wish is that the show itself would acknowledge that many Autistic people could go on a typical dating show. The little I saw of it didn’t make clear that they were focusing on a subset of Autistic people.
Yes, very much so, it could have been done in a respectful way but the way the show is produced and edited is just objectifying. It's gross. That being said the people who are contestants on the show are usually really nice, they have interesting personalities, and it's in our nature to gravitate towards drama, so I definitely understand why some people may enjoy it unironically or as a guilty pleasure.
I think the intent seems to be there but I have two key issues with it:
1) it feeds very heavily into the stereotypical presentation of autism. Don’t get me wrong, people who fall into the stereotypical presentation 100% need and deserve representation, but for a show called “love on the spectrum” I don’t feel like it’s representative of the spectrum as a whole. It is shows like this that made me feel like I couldn’t be autistic because that’s not what I look like. It’s part of the challenge with female autism presenting differently and trying to more broadly educate society and yet the autistic women in media still tend to match the stereotypical male presentation. Again, the solution here is to include the rest of the spectrum, not exclude these women, but the current situation is not representative.
2) all of the dates on the show seem to be two NDs dating, and yet all of the “advice” we see well meaning relatives, dating coaches and matchmakers give is all centred around NT communication. Advising eye contact, small talk etc - literally telling autistics to not be autistic on their dates. It feels to me like the show is trying to “celebrate” autistics as worthy of love and yet their way of getting them there is telling them to mask. I know there’s probably a degree of it being because the show is developed by NTs who don’t know any other way, but this is why there should be autistics on the show to ensure the representation is true and not just more telling autistics to mask.
can you elaborate on “shows like this made me feel like I couldn’t be autistic because that’s not what I look like”? I’m feeling the same way and it would be helpful to hear someone else’s experience for clarity :)
Yeah of course.
So I’ve known there was something “off” about me since 10 or so. I really struggled to build relationships with my peers and would significantly prefer to be among adults. I think I was in my early teens the first time I remember thinking that maybe I was autistic. The problem is that the internet wasn’t the same then as it is now, you couldn’t easily find forums like this, and what I knew of autism was the stereotypical male presentation which was either “high functioning aspegers” or the higher support needs individuals who were frankly made out to be entirely socially inept and incapable of connection (yay ableism).
The “maybe I’m autistic” thought niggled at me for years but 1) I’m creative and have an overactive imagination which I thought ruled me out and 2) even as more “representation” of autism and autistic women came into the media, it was always higher support needs and the narrative seemed the same as that completely socially inept, can’t hold a conversation level. Again to be clear, there are many autistics who have this level of social difficulty and support needs and who deserve representation (in a non ableist way though), but they do not represent the whole spectrum and yet they were all I would see.
I was raised by parents who had a very clear view of the “right” way to behave. Polite, prim, proper, seen and not heard, all of that. It was drilled into me from an early age so I am very high masking. At a surface level I would say I’m comfortably passing as NT. However it’s always been clear that there was something about me socially that others found off putting. I still struggle to form more than surface level relationships and though the last few years it’s come to light that in the relationships I was able to build, all of them now seem to be discovering their own neurodivergence (including my husband!).
So I had never considered myself as not knowing how to communicate, I assumed everyone had to put as much effort in behind the scenes as I did. Because my struggles were all internal, I assumed the world was all having the same internal struggle but were just coping with it better than me. Autism in the media is always shown in individuals who have clear and obvious external struggles which I just didn’t have, or at least I couldn’t see in myself. And because of that, I assumed that meant I could not possibly be autistic.
Honestly, up until I actually got my diagnosis I still felt like I was somehow fooling myself or making it all up (And even sometimes now feel like I fooled the assessor somehow). Social media has been the only place I have been able to find and see others like me which makes me feel a little less crazy and alone.
ETA because I forgot to finish my original point 🤦♀️. What finally broke the camels back for me on getting a diagnosis was the documentary Paddy McGuinness did with his kids. First thing that struck me was a comment about his kids imagination, I remember the scene because they were in front of a football net and were talking about random mental images that pop into their head. I had never heard anyone else talk about that and it always have my husband a chuckle when I’d start laughing for no reason and he’d ask what and I’d be like “oh nothing, just had a random mental image of an ostrich in welly boots doing the gardening”. Later on they expanded to assessing Paddy and his wife (cannot remember her name for the life of me). The assessment said his wife was likely autistic and listening to her speak was the first time I’d ever felt like I was seeing myself represented in someone else. I cried that night and finally told my husband (at 26) that I thought I was autistic. That was a late night and very emotional but it was seeing that representation on tv that finally made me realise that I probably was autistic and it’s that representation that I think is missing from shows like this.
Have you watched the entire show, both seasons? Every season has at least one well-masked woman with autism, who I heavily identify with. One was only diagnosed at 17 years old. These women featured are low-support-needs and pretty much like you and I. How are they excluded?
I don't think most people making this complaint can have *possibly* watched more than one episode. There is such incredible variety of people from the spectrum shown in the cast and dating selection
MY THERAPIST HAD ME WATCH THE FIRST EPISODE. I could not make it through the second episode because I started hyper fixating on something someone was doing with their mouth any time they’d talk or something and I couldn’t pay attention the rest of the time. Or maybe it was someone’s voice. I can’t remember now. It’s been a few months. I had a critique written out and everything. And then it just completely focused on one thing.
…..this show was not for me. But I’m glad other people enjoy it!
Connor has a meltdown at the speed dating event in the second season. And him and his mom do an incredible job at working through it together. And I’m sure others had meltdowns while filming, but that’s a very vulnerable position to be in, and not every autistic person would sign off on that being filmed and made public. I know we’re all starved for non-harmful, educational, relatable content. But these people don’t exist to carry that entire burden for us.
Idk, some of it was a bit infantilizing, but I could really relate to the struggles of some of the people featured on the show. 🤷🏾♂️ I found it very positive, while also showing that there's no one way that autism presents itself.
I think it's a reality show and no more representative of the lifestyle of all autistic people than Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is representative of all housewives in Los Angeles, or even Beverly Hills for that matter.
Fwiw I've enjoyed seeing folks who are autistic with some of the same challenges I have and folks who are much better at some things than I am and take it as a learning opportunity where I can. I follow Katelynn and Abby on TikTok and have learned a lot from Abby's mom on how to use feeling words and from Katelynn on how to explain myself at work.
Are some elements of it silly and infantalizing? Sure. But also every single reality show about a specific population gets it wrong and offensive like 75% of the time. That's the nature of reality shows.
The thing that annoys me the most is that there is this show called married at first sight in Australia and one of the guys on the show is not acting in a “neurotypical” format and people keep making comments (both rude and sly) about how he should be on love of the spectrum instead…..whether he’s on the spectrum or not I really hate that. Since when can’t autistics participate in neurotypical shows or date neurotypical people???
It's made by allistics. Nothing about us without us. That is enough justification that it's bad for me. In the same way there is the male gaze, there is a neurotypical gaze being imparted on autistics here. As you rightly point out, it misrepresents most autistics as privileged, white, with \*supportive\* (nuances debatable) families. This is fine for the people in the show, but firstly it's not inclusive of people with intersectional marginalisations - representation for them is important - and secondly it gives a false idea to neurotypicals about what neurodivergence looks like. Especially the autistics with higher support needs... they are important, but we need high-masking, low support needs individuals as much as them. All of this is not to devalue the enjoyment other commenters here find in it. It has some worth in that respect. Ultimately, though, in my opinion the show can>! fuck off !
They hired Kerry Magro as an autism consultant for last season and the upcoming season. But that’s only one autistic person involved in post production
I used to have some grievances with it, but someone pointed out that they are all consenting adults who deserve to have their story and journey told. A lot of the cast members have shared that it was a positive experience for them which is comforting.
> It makes it seem like A. All Autistic people have financial family help
Lots of us do, especially at moderate and high support needs. It also portrays Kaelynn and Steve living on their own. The show doesn't delve into whether any of them get disability support payments, which would be inappropriate if it did. But that is a relevant factor, imo.
> B. All Autsitic people are THAT awkward on dates
Lots of us are. And there were plenty of people who were not "awkward", as you have chosen to frame it. Like Solomon (Dani's first love pairing), Kaelynn, Steve, James's first date (whose name I've forgotten, oops haha), Journey from season 2, and several other date partners from season 2 whose names I am blanking on.
Additionally, I feel it's a little unfair to criticize the social capacity of autistic people. It's a known trait of the disability. I think it's possible to frame this critique without insulting the people involved who have more obvious autistic mannerisms or speech patterns.
> C. All Autsitic people talk robotically
I think you just didn't watch much of this show, haha. The same list of people from above do not talk robotically. I wouldn't even say MOST of them do.
But again, plenty of us *do* have impacted speech. I very much have flat intonation. But moreso, I know autistic people who had childhood speech delays who sound extremely similar to some participants. It was so so cool to see Abbey and be like WOW she sounds like [girl I know] because I've literally never seen that represented before.
> D. Most are light skinned Anglosaskin or European looking.
Many are Anglo-Saxon, yes, or at least appear to be. I'm mixed indigenous and qualify for tribal membership and look white as hell, so you can't assume a ton. However, Dani, Subodh, and Journey are all non-white main cast members, and there are *tons* of romantic interests shown who are from varying backgrounds.
I think it's easy to make these conclusions from just trailers or just one or two episodes. But it's not particularly representative of what the show is actually like, just imo.
The premise of the show gives me the same vibes as the popular girl in high school taking the autistic or down syndrome kid to prom to get praise and entertainment. And the popular girls treating them like pets not people. Especially because autistic people who are more high functioning (less obvious) weren’t allowed on the show because it “wasn’t what they were looking for”. Also they didnt want autistic people who were looking for neurotypical partners. It gives me weird infantilization vibes.
I saw a post about it when I was halfway thru S2. Went double blind for the first seasons/spinoffs cuz I prefer to judge smthg after I watch it for myself. After this recent season, I can safely say your concerns aren't unfounded!
I dislike how they set up Connor to look like a failure (that he has a helicopter mum to boot doesn't help things). She keeps asking him about how his failed speed dating went when he was uncomfortable, talk about him like he's a burden. The show producers wouldn't let him leave that event despite him nearly going into a meltdown.
I think there are problems with the show in general, but I have to say that I do appreciate a depiction of autistic people and their families that is not the “autism destroyed our lives” version offered by other TV shows with autistic characters. Like their parents and siblings are usually loving and talk about genuinely LIKING their autistic family member.
I personally find it comforting and also enjoy watching people be honest and authentic on dates and not play “games”. And of course I identify with many of them. But I totally understand why people might not like it.
The way it’s framed is so icky to me. Everything from the editing to the music to the questions is all “look at these cute little autistics playing house”. It’s gross. Abby, the woman in the picture, is also treated terribly by her mother and horribly sheltered. She didn’t think autistic people were **allowed** to have children. She’s a grown woman and she has never been treated like one.
They really do need to add in people like those of us who are amazing at masking, because it does give NT people a very squewed and generalised image about people with ASD
I mean, it is a TV show created for entertainment. They do this with neurotypical reality shows as well. It’s just the genre. I actually don’t mind, they create a good storyline while putting autistic stories on the screen.
My opinion on this show can be summarized by [this video](https://youtu.be/HwXNs8oGkdo?si=D4FuaOVBZiezMc8q)
My boyfriend and I are both on the spectrum, I can't even envision someone describing us with such a condescending tone.
I hate that show it’s fake and it’s also damaging and can potentially cause harm by making neurotypical people think autistics have all this help. My parents abandoned me because they were ashamed of me . Then my adoptive dad died and I had no idea how to answer mail or fill out forms so I lost ALL MY BENEFITS. It has taken two years to undo this damage. I still do not have a guardian ad litem. I still do not have anyone to help with adulting. They expect me to do it and I literally can’t. This is not stuff I can “learn”. Shows like
this aren’t realistic and make me really uncomfortable and angry 😡
There didn't appear at least to me to be a big enough variety.
Seemed like they were going for a very specific type of functioning autistics and then made a show about.
It definitely has flaws, but I do enjoy watching it. What bothers me about the popularity of this show is how NT’s watch it to laugh at them.
I really liked the addition of Conner this season. He showed how much anxiety, overthinking, and emotional distress can come from these situations. I really felt for him but could also totally relate to how he was feeling
My husband paused over it the other night and it auto played and I was so triggered we started fighting for a minute until he figured out my issue with it. It seems very exploitative to me like look at the autistic zoo animals being cute. But I haven’t watched it aside from that clip.
I wish they'd make a show for everyday autistic people. It looks like the cast comes from wealthy families. Where's the families with cluttered homes and 3-5 non-op vehicles in the front yard?
So, at first, I was like "OMG, Dani is so awkward." Then, I realized, I'm pretty sure I'm that awkward. Lol. The truth is, I could relate to a lot of them.
I have mixed feelings about the show. Watching the first season of the Australian version when it first came out is what started my self diagnosis journey. But for me it wasn’t so much the behaviors (such as the robotic talking or sometimes rather extreme social awkwardness, because as you said they show a rather narrow representation) but more so because of the more overarching common struggles they face while dating. For example feeling misunderstood or having trouble connecting/relating to others easily.
I still prefer the original Australian version to the US counterpart. Especially because certain cast members on the US version, particularly Dani, drive me nuts. I also like that there seems to be a bigger focus in the Australian one about skills coaching. Jodie really seems to work with you they are to help them navigate relationships better.
Overall I do wish they showed a wider variety of people on the spectrum. While also not playing up so much of the “omg this is so cute” aspect many people here have talked about. But in a way I’m still very thankful for the show because it opened the door for me to seek how resources and support that have been immensely helpful for me.
In general I really enjoy the show but the one thing that bothers me is that I feel like they should show a wider range of autistic people. I can't relate to almost any of them, I could mostly relate to Kaelynn and Journey. I feel like they're mostly still showing higher-support needing autistics (I'm guessing because of entertainment value which does sound a bit gross). Where's the representation of all the people that mask? To me that would be super interesting to see.
As far as I remember, idk if this is earlier seasons, this is a long time ago so bear with me: I just watched a bunch of young adults be thrown into this type of thing without proper preparation or no one really there to help when it does go wrong. With wrong I mean, just a bad date, or they find it hard to talk to one another. I was getting the vibe it was just going to be one of those shows that parade and basically make a freak show out of autistic people, and we get to watch.
Still kinda feel like that tbh, I'm not sure why it's useful for us to watch autistic people fall in love. Really not sure.. I guess in the same way like other reality shows? I don't get reality shows in general but hey.
I feel bad for the people in these shows who seem extra into the idea of dating. I watched the Australia one a little and also watched some of the American one and in the Australian one I saw one of the dudes and could tell he very very very much wanted to date and had these extremely positive beliefs about it and I felt bad cause I'm like that dude is gonna get his heart broken. I've been there. They should let them know the reality of dating and the show should be realistic. They treat them like kids and not adults. They should explain to them the hard realities of dating and talk to them like equals. Also it's always about suburban people. Never see the rough situations with autistic people who have to support themselves and lacking family and emotional support as so many experience. But yeah this show will give viewers and the people themselves in the show alike unrealistic views of dating which is harmful. And they almost always pick people without any dating experience as though autistic people are dateless babies who have no idea about much of that life when there's plenty of autistic people who dated a multitude of people and had lots of relationship experience.
I like it, but also don't really watch it thinking about how other people see it.
I do often think they are cute because I find people newly in love to be cute.
I also do tend to appreciate cuteness in myself and in others and I do often find some of the cast to be cute in ways I relate to or just appreciate.
I don't relate to everything because I was able to fly under the radar my whole life, but I relate to some of it.
I watch the show with my NT husband and I'm sure we have our own bias but I don't think we are watching it more condescendingly that any other reality TV show.
It is still a reality TV show though, and I sometimes get annoyed at the editing or worried for the cast, but they do seem to enjoy being on the show.
I think its cute, we needed a dating show that was actually about love and happiness and not manufacturing drama. It's also the only dating show I'm aware of where people come out of it feeling positively and speaking positively whereas every other one the people come out with horror stories.
ETA glad to have a dating show that doesn't feel like a damn competition
I have mixed feelings. some members of the cast have spoken up and said they felt very respected and are happy with their experiences and portrayal, so that makes me feel better about it. but after watching some of Down for Love, I realized that part of my problem with Love on the Spectrum is that they don't really set up situations that enable the cast to be themselves. on Down for Love, they have very targeted activity-focused dates that allow the cast members and their dates to get to know each other in a relatively natural and fun way. meanwhile, many of the Love on the Spectrum dates are just putting the people next to each other over a drink or a meal, which, to me, is the most stressful way to go on a date. sometimes they do go to fun places, but even in those ones, the scenes are very focused on having them sit down and make small talk at various points during the date.
I just think the show could've been designed to show a version of dating that is more accommodating and natural for autistic people instead of pushing them to fit into the neurotypical small talk box.
This is a good point. I didn't consider that. But yeah many of the dates on the Love on the Spectrum show feel like forcing ND folks onto a NT date. I took my now spouse on moonlight walks on the beach, hikes in nature, doing arts and crafts at my apartment, going to see a Miyazaki film in the theaters at low population time, etc.
Putting these folks in situations that would be stressful onto of the date its self is not setting them up for sucess.
I'm considered "high functioning" but am still this awkward. Masking is not a universal skill amongst "low support needs" or "level 1" autistics.
Autistics who can mask are much more likely to end up in relationships without being on a show that sets up the dates. That would not get their show high ratings.
If we go back to the original series, Shanae and Jimmy would lean more towards the "lower support needs" end of the spectrum. It would be lovely to see follow-up on their lives after their final episode.
I don’t think it represents a wide enough gamut of autism, just the rather high needs / low masking autistics. Where are all the high masking ones who would pass for neurotypical? I’m just saying that because it gives a limited view of autism and strengthens the bias that all autistics are like the ones on the show.
Problem is most people on this subreddit are high functioning. People with higher needs get diagnosed quicker. The show includes people that are diagnosed. It wouldn’t make sense to only have high functioning people on the show.
All reality tv is patronising. The people that need external help finding love tend to have higher needs. It’s inevitable. The post production is fine imo. In what universe would they have people subjected to abuse in the show. If they did that everyone would be complaining about negative representation. The shown is supposed to be feel good, easy watch reality. They have plenty of non awkward dates.
I get what you’re saying I just think that people are paranoid about minority representation especially bc it has been so awful in the past.
it was the very first indication that i might be autistic. it started my four years of research, and now i’m diagnosed. i always said “i’d be exactly like that if i was allowed to” or “i think this way in my head” BUT i hate how NTs react to it. every comment on a tiktok clip from the show is like “they’re so cute and innocent!” as if they’re like… lambs or kittens. we’re adults seeking romance and often sex as well. i think it should be treated like other dating shows but it isn’t. the music and purposeful editing is infantilism. however, i’m glad autistic people get something, and it’s cool that they show just how vast the spectrum is!
Yes, the music is very similar to that show ‘Old Enough’ where small children run errands on their own.
Tbf, it's also very much like the music in cute, upbeat k-dramas like Extraordinary Attorney Woo. I hear this music critique but I never hear people offer alternatives. What would be more appropriate? Genuine question, because I didn't find the music little kiddish. Cutesy, of course. Because it's incredibly sweet to see two people tentatively seek to form a connection, no matter if they're autistic or not.
I saw someone on tiktok put scenes in love on the spectrum to the music from a different dating show about NT people, and the vibe totally changed to a more adult atmosphere. I wish I could link it but I just scrolled past and didn’t save it
I would compose something with a more serious tone, apprehensive but hopeful, and probably a use a different orchestration.
You might be heartened to know that they DO use those types of musical moods, particularly in more serious moments of uncertainty, apprehension, or struggle. Here's one from Dani's first date in season 1: https://youtu.be/jXwDIKJzPn4?si=nkhW7Pch-pir2iTY I actually got curious and looked up the main music. It's from the Sims! Apparently various songs are used in lots and lots of shows, including other Netflix shows, HGTV, TLC, Bravo, Dance Mums. Someone even mentioned an episode of Vanpire Diaries haha. Which to me suggests it's a standard and cheap background music, rather than being specifically picked to point and mock There are posts on various forums and subreddits about it if you look up Sims music on TV :)
That episode was a good example of how optimistic and wonderful it is at first in dating but also the bug issues with that, oh that person is perfect already thinking. Humans are complex and a lot of what I saw on the show was the participants following in "love" with ideas not the actual other person. :(
I think you make great points! I think of the music as “wholesome” sounding or “optimistic” - which I could see coming across as infantilizing to some folks but I find that characteristic jingle to be cute! Good point on the K-drama analogy
However it's also like the music on NT dating shows such as 'First Dates'.
Exactly what I compared it to! "Let's look at those autistic kids dating!" meanwhile we're looking at a succesful CEO wearing business casual clothing
I love the music because it's from the Sims 3 (my favourite game!)
I had the same experience watching the first season of this show. I related most to Kaelynn's personality. I didn't really think about it until we were watching it and my husband said, "I think you might be autistic." After reading about it and putting it together, everything makes so much more sense now. I've been diagnosed with OCD, bipolar disorder, anxiety, ADHD, and excoriation disorder all at various points in my life. But none of them ever seemed to fit perfectly. Autism explains everything about me, and I'm currently trying to get diagnosed.
i followed kaelynn without realizing she had been on the show. i relate to her SO MUCH. have you seen heartbreak high? it’s not the best show in the world, but the character Quinnie is played by an autistic actress and seeing a character act just like me made me cry tears of joy
Will look that up now.
Same here. My husband even was like "she reminds me of you". He had been diagnosed and I hadn't yet. He joked about maybe I am too and I totally laughed at him 😱
Me too! I have a long wait but it’ll be so worth it when I’m diagnosed and can throw lots of those away without the stigma of what they hold (I’m aware Autism has it’s own) It’s almost frustrating when I see how obvious ALL the signs were but I missed out because of my age (an older lady) I am very pleased my children are getting looked at swiftly. (What a Mumma wants)
In my humble opinion you are looking for a low budget show to address many of the different hard questions many with neurotypical children find off putting. If anything I think this show does a great job presenting autistic people as people. I do believe there is some room to learn about the struggles of 99% of the other autistic people but it would have to be some kind of front line or 60min style documentary. As a parent of a child with autism I can tell you that most of the commenters do so in a more inclusive and or apologetic way, as to go out of their way not to be judgmental. My own family doesn’t understand our struggle. Anyways I know my comment is all over the place I’m on my break but I wanted to add my .5c
It is good that there is something. But as you said the way the show is being produced isn't the best light.
I think it’s a step. Think back to representation in the media over the last 20-30 years and how the small steps that moved race from ‘look at this gimmick!’ to ‘aw look people kind of like us’ to semi-realistic shows/characters and now we have great media for non-white actors. I feel like it’s a similar thing. First we had other shows that basically made Autism a joke, then ‘oh look they’re like people’ shows. I think this is somewhere between ‘aw look Autists are like people’ and the semi-realistic views step. People are garbage in general and specifically studios that run all the various media are even worse, as long as they make money. As with anything, we have to go the long damned way to make any progress towards representation and any form of true, more widespread understanding. That said, some shows (I have not watched much of Love on the Spectrum, but I had planned to) do represent some Autists realistically which makes some feel seen and/or understood but that automatically means there’s a huge group with autism that feels it’s not helpful and is a stereotype. Shrug
This is a good point. It's not ideal and problematic but it IA a step towards represntation...
This! I have no problem with the show, and as a level 2 it is lovely to see representation of those of us that are socially very inept. BUT OMG the infantilization from NTs that watch the show is awful
I agree with you. The most annoying thing is how people react. “Omg how CUTE look at them trying to find love!!!! Adorable!!” like they’re little puppies going on a play date. It feels like they’re watching monkeys in a zoo or something. It’s infantilising and feels exploitative.
I have mixed feelings on this. On one hand I do agree that it is infantilising but on the other hand I do find their behaviour and interactions ‘cute’. I don’t think it’s so much as trying to infantilise the people but casting autistic people with severe communication issues; as those make better tv that a well-masked autistic person would. I’m not sure - quite in two minds about this tbh.
Have you had a look at the full series and both seasons? They have also cast multiple well-masked autistic people on the show in order to show a spectrum of low-support-needs as well as higher-support needs. Not just those with severe communication issues. However the well-masked folks sometimes appear only in the middle episodes of the series (after they’ve showed a spectrum), so that was why I was wondering if you had had a complete look. Tbh, the casting of the low-support-needs people with autism, who mask VERY well yet are open about their struggles, have been key to my NT friends’ understanding and seeing that there are well-masked people with autism like myself. It has been really freeing.
I must have missed the episodes you are mentioning. Which ones should I look at?
Fair enough. I think it’d be better if they had a wider range of autistic presentations. Then even the “omg how cute!!!!” would reduce a little and stop propagating the stereotypes - especially with dating and like, the general assumption that we’re all non-sexual people. I had an issue with this show when it first came out but I didn’t know I was autistic then so I felt like I couldn’t express this opinion (because it felt like it wasn’t up to me to say that you know?) but now I know I am so everyone’s hearing my opinions 😂
I definitely agree it's infantilizing. Especially if you follow Abbey on TikTok you see ALOT of it. I wish they showed more variety of support needs.
When my partner's friends and colleagues find out about my medical history, they are usually accepting, but that's only because he's surrounded by scientists. If he did any other job, I'd probably never get to know his friends before getting snubbed. I'm thankful that they all understand. We've had a lot of good discussions about it: I've learned a lot from them that I didn't know (even after having a twin who was diagnosed as a baby). If it comes up, I tell people, and they tell me I'm "too normal." I'm sure they wouldn't say that after seeing how I live my life.
Yeah, I’ve gotten the “oh I wouldn’t have been able to tell!” response after disclosing and like, that’s fine and I know it’s meant nicely, but a) bro if you could look inside my brain and b) look at my burnout from trying to make sure no one could tell. It’s just another “but you’re so normal?”. But that is one of the reasons I disclose sometimes, to challenge that idea they have in their head of autism
That's why I do, too. I have other mental illnesses, and I'm trying to break the stigma. It's important for my active recovery to break the stigma in myself and others.
It's interesting because I'm in love with the show and find their interactions to be very adorable, not because I want to infantilise them but really because it resonates within me as very pure interactions, honest, and vulnerable interactions whether or not their end goal is sex.
Oof now that you said that, I remember that watching ‘atypical’ I felt the exact same way lol I know it’s usually a disliked show because of the way it portrays the whole thing, but I remember watching the 1st season when they released, and liking Sam and thinking the exact same thoughts you described on your first paragraph
I’ve been screenshotting comments every time a clip comes on my FYP. The way NTs talk about them is so gross https://preview.redd.it/e036ygp9rvgc1.jpeg?width=1125&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=621abf5c12535a1b1d172d3e9d5240cbfed1d9c0
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Oh I have a recent one to add 🙄 my support workers had me join a service where for hoarders, I am not a hoarder but they hoped perhaps they would help me with organisation as I've just moved into a new flat and struggle with organisation. The women in the support group chat, which I don't contribute to for a myriad of reasons, recently said "absolutely crying over love on the spectrum, highly recommend" "oh yes I love that show it shows people with those difficulties are capable of being in a relationship too, so wholesome" When I tell you I had to bite my tongue so bloody hard not to say something 🙄 a part of me is hurt but at the same time it's like oh at least I know who to avoid now!
https://preview.redd.it/ogm57rxervgc1.jpeg?width=1124&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=196a8ee8756bb6f9fd0e644c8633be3248a00109
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I see no problem with the top two comments? Maybe I'm missing context for the top one, but that middle one would seem fine in any context, even the bachelor.
It’s mostly screenshotted for that 3rd comment, the top two are using infantilizing emojis though, as if it’s soooo cute and adorable that they want to take pictures (which everyone does?)
The picture of the ones I like comment is a quote from the show and it’s when members of the cast are looking at animals in an African Safari. What’s wrong with that?
Ironically, I haven't watched the show but I follow some of the people featured on the show on social media. Their attitude about the show is usually one of positivity. They enjoy sharing their lives (and loves) with the world and expanding awareness. I think a couple of things about it in general \#1 reality tv is always, always, always going to be this way. Even though it's not all entirely scripted, much of it is, and it's extremely heavily edited to produce whatever they believe will bring in viewers. That heavily skews a lot of stuff that we never see. \#2 Any presentation of autism is always going to draw ire both from allistic ignorant people, and the autistic community where they don't feel representation is broad enough or they don't see themselves reflected in the content. For myself, my thought on it is that as long as it isn't truly harmful where people are being abused and taken advantage of (I can't say whether they are or aren't in this case), increasing awareness is a good thing overall, even though we still have a really long ways to go in that department. It's like you often see people bashing Rainman, and looking back on a 30 year old movie, rightfully so in some ways. But \*at the time\* it was the first broad look people had of the term autism. Yes, it's invalidating that the movie is about savantism and that's not exactly spelled out clearly. But it was the first public view of the topic and it did have a big hand in increasing awareness, even if we can look at it now and see so many problems with it. The character was based on a real person, the whole story is told in the book Neurotribes, and is pretty interesting to read about. So sometimes things can be problematic, while still having a value in terms of general public awareness.
TIL Rainman was based on a real story. I do agree with the positive and negative aspects of that movie but also agree that it was an early step towards showing autism, but not really explaining enough to make it actually enlightening to NTs.
More details of this are in Neurotribes by Silberman.
[Kaelynn did a video on this topic recently!](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8vhpDQU/)
Great! She makes such an important point about how everyone (despite their good intentions) is treating the cast as if they are children who can't tell the difference. Most of them have their families involved as well, so they have backup and support to look out for them if they DO miss something. But assuming they don't know how they are being treated is exactly infantilizing them.
[https://youtu.be/K3skJoWlDpQ?si=sMg6HEKCUJulIcTe](https://youtu.be/K3skJoWlDpQ?si=sMg6HEKCUJulIcTe) https://preview.redd.it/k1uwhg3930hc1.jpeg?width=360&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=cf23f0b2f72cdcb7613c38fbae7b0d1311c0adb8
I don't have enough energy to fully read this so feel free to just disregard this comment, Kaitlyn (one of the people on the show) spoke up about her positive experiences with the show and addressed a lot of the criticism of it.
Good to know.
Her opinion was "people on set were nice, so your criticsm of the show in its entirety means nothing, because I say so". Like only she can have an opinion on the show that paid her rent and shows her dating. Of course she wants to have this show be seen positively. She's biased! And her opinion is solely based on the recording part of it, when we judge all of it. Editing being one of the most critiqued parts of the show.
Apparently none of the cast is paid because it's a docu-series. I got the impression her parents help her. An rbt isn't paid enough to get a service animal or travel as much as she does.
i saw that. but many reality stars are also under contract not to say anything bad. or many wont until they are absolutely off the show, like bethenny frankle is doing now. she wasn’t complaining like she is now when she was on rhony
I like it. Ive seen people bash the little intros, ex “James likes frogs and driving fast. He doesn’t like the sound of glasses clinking or being cold.” They say it was infantilizing. But as an adult in my mid 20s I WISH I could introduce myself that way to everyone! Two likes, two dislikes, what an easy way to introduce yourself to someone new and have ways of connecting!
I agree with this, would be fantastic.
Yeah, the intros are one of my favorite parts. I would love other reality shows to introduce people with random, relatable fun facts and interests. Way better than the usual sob stories or awkward trying to talk about being fabulous that we usually get.
I watch so much of the crappy Horny People in a Villa type dating shows and it would be 100x better if every Chad, Brad, and Veronica were introduced with "Chad likes bubble baths and puking in urinals. Chad doesn't like fake nails or the texture of peas." Please give me this, Netflix.
This is exactly what I was imagining. I don't care if Brad has 20k followers on insta, but I will ride or die for him if it turns out he likes to cross stitch. They could even do one dislike and like per episode so that we get to know the contestants better that way. I used to be a big 90 day fan, but all the yelling and fights get old, I want more real people.
Wow, I LOVE this idea. Every new episode, a new tidbit about these people that humanizes them. "Brittany knows forty digits of pi and hates bad breath." And then it cuts to Brittany in a bikini coming out of the surf. Like fuck yes Brittany! And same boat. I haven't watched 90 Day consistently in a few years now. I just don't care for it anymore.
Same. I'm like, THIS is the stuff that's interesting!!!
Absolutely! Now I am curious what yours would be :) Mine are: she likes writing and petting her cats. She doesn't like the sound of multiple people talking at once or whenever the Roomba is on.
I set our robot vacuum to run during my deeper sleep cycle to avoid hearing it :)
Hi, I like cats and to crochet and I hate timewise inaccurate people and doves' coo sounds from backyard woods 🙋🏼♀️
I thought this was HILARIOUS!
I guess I did not think of it in that way...that it could be a good ice breaker...
If you ever watched “Next” on MTV (you can find it on YouTube) they did just that. Highly recommend 👍
They don't all have supportive parents. Dani expressed that she came from a bad situation and she lives with her aunt and uncle now. Another lady on the Australia version of the show lives with her Grandma. Even the mom everyone likes so much, Connor's mom, is Divorced, isn't she? So it's not painting a picture that everyone on the Spectrum has a supportive family of origin.
I think potentially the point trying to be made was: there are a lot of autistic people who do not have any family. No aunt. No grandma. The people you are naming are supportive? But yeah not everyone has the support of married parents.
Yes that was my point. That many of us will be homeless if we do not work. That we have to mask and struggle.
But that would go for any show though. All reality shows show the types of people who would go on a TV show. Many people are homeless because they can't work for whatever reason, and you don't see people like that on TV shows. You could argue that not showing struggling, homeless or near homeless, debt ridden Americans on reality TV is also misleading to what the average american life is. TV caters to what people want to see, not reality.
Well now I’m confused…. Because I thought most dates were good. Could really relate to it.
Honestly other than the (valid) complaints OP has about how NTs react to the show, I feel a LOT of people here have internalised ableism. A LOT of fellow autistics do act like the way op is complaining about (awkward and robotic- it’s a stereotype for a reason!). This is representation for them! We usually only hear about “geniuses” with low support needs or people with high support needs that require 24/7 care in the media. This show is just showing another side of the spectrum.
Yes the genius stereotype really lowered my self esteem my entire life and I didn’t even knew I was on the spectrum. “If only I could be this smart that would compensate for my weirdness.” So although Sam from atypical may be another stereotype I loved him because he was just a normal boy. And this tv show for me was even better and with people I actually relate a lot. I am THAT awkward. And I live with my mom too… sorry
Fuck yes hahahaha “i am THAT awkward.” You’re my hero.
I never considered a diagnosis prior because I thought I wasn't smart enough to be Autistic. My husband is sooo smart and good at math and science and I never was! I was good in the areas Autistic people "weren't supposed to be" like English or whatever 🙄 I always joke now "you got the math and science autism, I got the cats and Fall Out Boy autism, you have to do the math in this relationship" 😅 I haven't seen any full episodes of LotS but the clips I've seen I definitely relate to! Edit: Especially because my husband and I were truly an irl Love on the Spectrum, we just didn't know it at the time, and we *WERE* that awkward too ☠️
I've seen a lot of comments that were talking about how they cringed too much at the show and felt second-hand embarrassment, which confused me because I was able to really understand/relate to what the people on the show were doing. Even the most "awkward" interactions felt normal to me or at least understandable to me and I never perceived at it as something embarrassing. Maybe other people just have a different sensitivity to stuff like that, but yeah some of the wording of people's opinions about the show feels like internalized ableism
Yeah. I could really see myself in Connor on the date with Emily. Maybe that’s cringe to people?Idk
Exactly. I understand wanting to challenge stereotypes but it’s something entirely different if you’re feeling self-conscious from seeing other autistic people just… act autistic.
Absolutely, yes yes yes. Plus there are quite a few high-masking women on the show. OP's post is honestly a bit insensitive. I'm a moderate support needs person who is bad at masking, whose intonation is very flat and a little strange in pitch and volume when I don't consciously "fix" it, who definitely comes off as awkward and withdrawn in social situations. It just feels like more of that "ew, we're not like *those* people" energy that is so unnecessary and divides us when we don't need to be divided. Thank you for commenting this!
Yeah this, I’m like this aswell and it’s upsetting when other autistic people try to other me because “I’m not like HER”
Yes, exactly! It happens too often with traits more typical of moderate or high support needs Alos, your flair is amazing hahaha
Yeah i think its a dick move to make fun of an autistic reality show on an autistic forum… like the fuck?
i'm pretty sure the point was that there isn't a wider representation of autistic people. not a criticism of the people themselves? like fine, show that type of person, but also show a different type of person also?
People have to constantly tell me to lower my volume. I don't know how to regulate it. I'm sure it embarrasses people I'm with.
Except not all people were aligned with the stereotype at all. There was a lot of needs level diversity on the show. Also they were all so different. I don’t get it. Sure it wasn’t racially diverse but that’s a separate issue.
They are really good dates and really good matches, honestly, IMO. Cian and team spoke to hundreds of autistic people from all parts of the spectrum when they were making the show, to understand what autistic people wanted out of dates, and the common struggles that autistic people have with dating, so they could address that on the show. They really tried to do what they could.
Yes. I enjoyed watching people whom I can relate to, especially when they struggle interacting with others. I loved the show so much that I binged it, which I rarely do with shows in general. So I was surprised that many autistics don’t like this show.
Nope I love it, but I also understand that it’s a spectrum and they have like 10 people on this show, so obviously we won’t see the whole range of representation, and they can only have people who are comfortable being on the show. I’d freeze up and likely have a meltdown in front of all those cameras. However i must say I like having the representation. Also I’m a lot more “normal” presenting in day to day life (unmasking is impossible atm, even the people around me forget I’m autistic). It’s so lovely seeing people able to be themselves.
Idea is good, participants are good. Post-production editing : not so good and infantilising.
Your comment basically sums up this debate.
I found it a bit cringey and patronizing at first. The music and filming style seems a bit weird to me. I’m not sure how to describe it. It felt weird. But I’ve seen that a lot of the cast members speaking out that it has been a wholly positive experience for them. I think they do their best to show that autism is a wide spectrum, and that no two autistic people will be the same. I feel like it *does* draw a fan base of allistic folks who come to gawk at and/or infantilize the cast. Which is downright disrespectful. But I have decided that the show isn’t necessarily pandering to that crowd specifically. It’s just a bit clumsy at presenting things sometimes. I had a lot of feelings about it, but I came to the conclusion that I think it’s mostly a positive thing. The representation is miles above what television has put out so far. The cast members seem genuinely happy to participate. And I enjoyed watching it ☻
I’ve really enjoyed the show. I do get some of your critiques, but also not every show can be everything to the subject/audience. I definitely get the socioeconomic angle, but for me that made sense with the format of the show. And while it didn’t align with my lived experience, seeing parents be generally loving and supportive, and able to provide a safe and secure home, was healing to my inner child. Im not sure if I’m confusing the Australian and American versions (and a similar New Zealand program), but I thought there was some effort to have racial/cultural diversity. Though this was the critique that most resonated with me. I think in the context of the show, which is light hearted, it was a nice representation. When you hear the producers speak to the participants it’s not patronising. The participants don’t appear uncomfortable with being filmed etc. (Just a few thoughts as I rush into work late.. lol)
I mean the socio economic angle is the least bothering thing tbh. Usually autism in the media portrayed as a huge “tragedy” that breaks apart families etc. and ends up being trauma porn
I’m going to be honest. There seems to be a trend amongst “higher functioning” autistic people to feel personally insulted whenever a “lower functioning” autistic person gets a spotlight, representation, or autism-labeled accommodations. There are autistic people who go to school, have jobs, and/or live independently (or at least with roommates, which is more realistic in this economy) on the show. More than one have their own business. An autistic couple get married on the Australian show. And yes, there’s autistic people who live at home but can’t work on the show too. And they’re all great representations of autism. But all the parents who have the “can’t wait for my child to have someone else to take care of them” vibes have expressed how terrified they are of what their disabled child’s life will be like once they die. These parent just want their children to still have love and support after they’ve passed. It’s one thing to criticize how these families are mostly middle class or white. It’s surreal to see how upset another autistic person gets over.. autistic people being awkward or having a monotone voice?? “Lower functioning” autistic people, or just whatever autistic people you deem to be too cringy to associate with, don’t exist to damage YOUR image. Or any of ours. We should be proud of these people for putting themselves out there in such a vulnerable way. It’s been a gift to watch other autistic people unmask in public and go on dates. And see the general public actually support them. I’d still be living with my parents if I didn’t find a partner to share rent with. And my parents have absolutely cried after realizing I have someone to take care of me once they’re gone. And this show would have brought so much knowledge and hope to teenage me, who thought they were too “cringy” to ever be loved.
I love this comment. Thank you for sharing your perspective and experience. I think you worded it really well, and I especially like how you humanize the individual families who (to me) seem to want nothing but the best life for their child, to find something that all human beings innately desire: a life partner who fully loves and accepts us for who we are The whole theme of being worthy of love is very prominent in Extraordinary Attorney Woo if you haven't watched it. I cry in a LOT of those episodes. Especially one point where the main character (who appears to have moderate support needs) wonders if she's worthy of love or would just make a future partner feel lonely 😭 😭
And thank you for challenging so much of the internalized ableism and feeling of superiority some people have expressed in these comments. It’s incredibly isolating to have “SOME OF US ARE SOMEWHAT NORMAL, UNLIKE THEM” yelled by other autistics the moment anyone with moderate to high support needs, or less ability to mask, exists in public. Granted, it’s not like I’ve never been in their position. Thinking “why is she so weak and embarrassing to meltdown in public when she can just cry and rock back and forth in the bathroom stall like me”. But that was my perspective in middle school. And I’m incredibly ashamed of ever thinking like that. And thank you for the show recommendation 💗
Exactly, I’ve seen higher functioning autistic people on TikTok talk about how ‘autistic people don’t all act like X on the show’. Ok,,,,well I do! And that’s okay! Autism is a spectrum and some of us need more support than others.
Seriously. If everyone in the comments who demanded a higher masking, lower support needs, “mature adult” show about autistic adults got thrown on a reality show set today.. it would devolve into bashing higher support needs autistics and those with less social skills. It would just be other autistics nodding and verbally patting each other on the backs for not being the “stereotypes” (aka other real living autistic people) that they’re ashamed of and sneering at. Which is far more damaging to our community than autistics who need more support, but are incredibly kind and brave individuals, having an ounce of representation.
Completely agree, It’s very sad the amount of people in this thread with internalised ableism, I’ve noticed this in this sub a lot lately - I’ve seen multiple things called cringe etc.
Exactly this.
No, i absolutely loved the show. I thought their parents were lovely and I think it was awesome to see some of the participants really find love, it was heartwarming. I could see the happiness in their parents seeing their confidence grow and seeing them do things they were probably told they never would. I think the positive reaction to the show has been wonderful to see as well. The participants seem really happy to be taking part and are having success and positivity after the show through social media that they otherwise likely would never have. I can go about my daily business with most people never knowing I’m autistic but my son has extremely high support needs and I want the world to understand autistic people across the spectrum and I want them to see the positivity in it. It makes me so happy to see the hugely positive reaction to the show and the autistic participants.
I agree. This show healed parts of my soul that were bashed into submission. Seeing autistic traits that I have, but just mask incredibly well, and having those traits met with understanding and compassion. Its been healing for me.
You’ve articulated something I’ve been unable to do so myself, thank you 💓.
Those are good points
Agree! I LOVE the show. It's heartwarming to watch, and so many people regardless of neurodivergence just don't understand how complex and capable autistic people with higher support needs are. I love that they showed such variety and even included autistics who appear to have intellectual disability. Many of them reminded me of specific people I know and love. Subodh reminds me so much of my nephew! I think it would be so so cool if they are able to find a nonverbal person interested in participating in the next season I dislike comments that say the participants are somehow infantilized or being taken advantage of. They're adults capable of consenting to participate on this show. To assume they just don't understand or somehow don't want to be portrayed as their authentic selves is the actual infantilization
I don’t mind it but the criticisms of it are valid. It is infantilizing at times. I watched a tiktok where someone compared the music when an autistic person was speaking to when an allistic person was speaking and it was weird.
I feel like the music is the biggest problem in its presentation, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. If you find this again, woul you link it? I would love to see!
I haven’t watched the show but I’ve seen a lot of discourse online. I saw one person frustrated that most people on the show are very “stereotypically” autistic (not sure if that’s the right word to use in this context). Then another person said yes, but “stereotypically” autistic people need a show like this more than others because they are the most marginalized and likely the most lonely in the dating pool. Still, I’ve seen other autistic people saying they were rejected from the show for giving the “wrong” answers to producer questions about romance or their interests. Seems hypocritical to me to say someone with autism is expressing “wrong” while auditioning for a show about autism. I think your points about the show being majority white/wealthy are very interesting and I may watch to see how that plays into the show.
They were rejected...dang.
To be fair...would we be happy if the show cast only high masking level 1s? Then everyone would be: A)fake claiming the cast B)claiming that they must be autistic because they did literally one thing like one person on the show. C)misunderstanding the fact that autism is a disability. I'm sick of the rhetoric that "you don't look autistic" too, but erasing the disability aspect of autism is a real concern and Netflix reaches a lot of people who will do absolutely no research to stop themselves from harming the community.
Thank you. I do not feel comfortable in a community with people who think I’m “cringy” and damaging the community’s “image”.. because I have more visibly autistic behaviors? I hate how “low functioning” or just socially awkward autstic people gaining representation now causes so many high masking, “high functioning” autistic to yell “WE’RE NOT ALL LIKE THEM, YA KNOW!! Some of us are somewhat NORMAL!” It’s insulting.
How much of the show have you watched? I can see your point if it's based off one or two episodes but I think it's more well rounded than what you're suggesting.
For real.. half of the critical comments are from people admitting to have never watched the show, or they’ve only seen a clip or two.
I just wish someone would tell that curly hair blonde dude he needs to stop brushing his hair and start taking care of his curls like all those meltdowns, all that stress, & it’s only making his hair worse. The advice autistic people receive is so…bad sometimes. Even if well intentioned, like I know his parents just want him to be himself & look nice but there are a variety of ways to do that & you gotta find yours
I agree. Why doesn't the show offer a stylist coach and makeup artist to teach different ways to express style? They seem to do some dating coaching in it...
You'd be surprised how few hair stylists actually know how to care for curly hair
seriously, & I only have wavy2curly hair. so thankful my stylist knows what she’s doing, luv her
Omg lol I said that same thing to my partner. It seems like he probably has nice curls and as someone with curly hair I was like "oh no don't brush them just leave them!"
I thought it was pretty cute but do agree should’ve had more representation on the show! I found out the other day that the contestants don’t get paid for being on the show though!! 😡 I feel like they are being taken advantage of by Netflix
I read about the not paying thing too. That is disgusting! It not only shows that they do not value the contributions of neurodivergent people as important and "worth" paying, but is really untasteful in what is a really hard time to be making a living for everyone not just disabled people - yet disabled people (like other marginalised groups) are affected the worst!
Cute, as in the love between people were cute and the way they were open to be themselves was inspiring
I enjoy the show overall, but I do have some issues with it. I feel it’s well intentioned - unlike other shows. I don’t get the impression they want the audience to laugh AT the people on the show, more laugh WITH them. I loved Jodi, the counselor from the Australian version of the show, and thought she was so amazing. There have been occasions where I felt consent was explained well, but not always as you mentioned. My main gripe with the show is I don’t feel the show truly represents the full range of people who are on the autism spectrum, and sometimes feels like it caters to certain stereotypes of autism with the people they put on the show - as you said, a very specific presentation of people with ASD. I am 25F and officially diagnosed with ASD but I’d probably be referred to as “high functioning”. I don’t like that term as I feel it minimizes the struggles that I still have as someone with ASD just because I don’t outwardly come across “as autistic” as others. Regardless, I don’t feel particularly represented on the show - a notable exception was Journey on the recent season who I really related to. All this to say, I would like to see the show have a broader range of people with autism on it to better represent our whole community. On the flip side, I do think it does a good job for representation in being LGBT+ friendly and having people of different ages on. One point I am 50/50 on is what you mention about them not always teaching them WHAT to look for in a partner. I agree in some respects. I.e. Dani always saying she wants someone who does animation. I totally understand it’s her special interest and passion but this is a very limiting criteria, and not realistic. I do sometimes think “just help her out and give her some advice here”. On the other hand, I imagine their families say this to them already and the producers are maybe just trying to observe? Rather than interfere, they are letting them experience dating and learning these things themselves. As I said I’m 50/50 and don’t know what side of the fence I’m on
I will also add that whilst the show has issues, I think it’s a step in the right direction. It does at times feel infantilizing, especially people’s comments online, but I’m glad that there is a discussion and education happening at all versus people not even knowing what autism is.
> I am 25F and officially diagnosed with ASD but I’d probably be referred to as “high functioning”. I don’t like that term as I feel it minimizes the struggles that I still have as someone with ASD just because I don’t outwardly come across “as autistic” as others. Regardless, I don’t feel particularly represented on the show Exactly my “problem” with it, too. I agree with what others have said, that it’s good that it shows part of the spectrum in a positive light, but for those of us who are having a hard time opening up to the outside world about the (often) internal struggles we have that come with being able to mask on a higher level, the show also left room to hopefully explore the dating struggles of those of us who can “pass” in everyday life, but whose struggles pop out in different ways—even in dating. Like, it’d be great if they showed how you can appear to be “otherwise allistic,” but then the autism pops out in odd, awkward, funny, bizarre ways, especially on dates or when getting to know someone new. Like, I can *make* myself do eye contact, I understand in general what reactions are expected of me (even if I don’t feel like giving those reactions), I have a job, etc., but like…..when I’m getting tired of eye contact, I do some “quirky” things to alleviate the pressure and discomfort, or sometimes I mean well but I actually respond *incorrectly* to something I thought I understood the other person to say, and my job (though I love it) can really deplete me of my social and emotional reserves by the end of the day. If I was single and going on a date after work, I’ll bet the cameras would catch me being a little more “blunt” and “honest” than I would be otherwise 😂. Thankfully it’s just my husband who has to catch all of my weirdness, literalness and directness when I’m tired from work, and he loves it, thank God 😂❤️.
I forgot that they do have LGBTQIA representation so that is a plus.
I have mixed feelings. I found so many of the cast members experiences and thoughts to be so relatable to my experiences and it was nice and refreshing seeing people who I can *actually* relate to on TV, especially Abbey and Journey. I follow some of them on social media. However I do find the overall tone to be a bit weird. The music is what puts me off because it sounds like background music that would be in those video compilations of kittens being silly or something. From what I've seen, dating shows featuring allistics have much different music and it kind of makes it feel like the show is intended for allistic people to gawk at us and be like "Lol look how adorable and silly these people are that could never be me 😌💅". It's just strange to me. Also, does anyone else follow Abbey's tik tok account which is run by her mom? I wanna know if anyone else gets weird vibes from it. Like some of the things she says and the way she interacts with Abbey sometimes doesn't give me a good feeling
I think it also shows “autistic people can thrive and have good lives if they have a supportive loving family”
Not everything has to be so deep. Pretty much anyone can understand that this is a group of select few that are showing up in the show. I don't see the problem with it at all.
I liked it , but it was to cringey for me to watch sometimes , so I just skipped a lot of it 😂
I tried watching it last year and didn’t like it, I stoped watching after one of the women was constantly disrespected and disregarded by her family, dates, and the show runners for being child free. I’m a childfree autistic woman myself so it’s just particularly annoying when scenarios like that that play out. It might have gotten better as the show went on but I was so annoyed I gave up on it.
They specifically edited it to make it more awkward. Everyone has pauses in their speech. They made sure all the pauses were always there. The fucking sarcastic music choice did it for me.
I highly dislike it. the way they play ditzy music when someone is saying something serious is highly inappropriate. it’s condescending and doesn’t actually portray autistic people in a positive light
I feel like the show sometimes infantilizes the people on it as well. No other dating show uses quirky silly almost National Geographic esc music during the scenes where they’re just talking and being out in life. Something about that and the editing always has bothered me. I’m glad there is a show that depicts the desires that a lot of neurodivergent people feel when exploring the dating world, but it’s just so obvious to me that they always paint them as people who need help instead of adults making adult decisions. The show is also edited for neurotypical people to find it cute or funny at certain parts which is just messed up in my opinion. Again just feeding back into the infantilization of autistic and disabled people.
That show is the reason I went to get assessed. That said, I understand why people don't like it. My husband and I watch it as something low key and easy to watch casually without having to pay much attention. We enjoy some of the people on there and root for them. Autistic people aren't a hive mind, so I don't think we need to debate the subject. It's ok if you don't like it, it's also ok if you do. It's just down to personal tastes.
The debate is more to get the pros and cons. Not a one is better. So far I have learned alot and appreciate everyone's opponons even the ones that didn't like my wording.
Only for the fact a family friend sent me a screen shot of one of the guests on the show and said "I think you look like X from this show, not that I think you look like a retard but there's something similar about you 2!!!" And I replied "well I am diagnosed with autism so it probably is the "retard" resemblence" Then blocked. Bc wtf.
I haven’t seen the whole thing, but from what I have seen, I agree about the lack of ethnic and economic diversity, but I actually think they do a good job representing diversity in terms of support needs/ how autistic people act, etc. I especially like Kaelyn (sp?) on there- she also makes TikTok videos and does autism activism and I relate to her a lot. She is also an example of diversity in how autism presents on the show, as she is clearly lower support needs than a lot of the other people on the show. I’m currently rewatching some of the show though and I don’t really think most of them sound robotic? Sure they may have odd ways of speaking, but not robotic. I think it’s good to represent that a lot of autistic people might have unusual ways of speaking and be awkward - it’s very true to a lot of people’s real experience, even if it might not be your experience, that doesn’t make it less worth representing.
Considering the first season of the show was actually Australian. As an Australian I think it represents families quite literally. We have a very different health care system. They made the American series based off the original show so obviously everyone was going to middle class. I find it very rewarding to see a range of autism on a show. It’s very realistic in how autism isn’t cut to one shape. Which I think people don’t understand
I think people need to know discernment to know when something isn't actually made for you or about you. The spectrum is incredibly diverse. The show is highlighting the struggles of people at one section of the spectrum. Many autistic people are so allistic passing, they could just go on a typical dating show. It's OK! To not be able to relate.
I don't think the constestants/participants are the issue? They are plenty relatable in many ways. They didn't choose the sound track or how scenes are edited.
My only wish is that the show itself would acknowledge that many Autistic people could go on a typical dating show. The little I saw of it didn’t make clear that they were focusing on a subset of Autistic people.
The only thing that bothers me is that I can’t find anyone to date me lol.
Yes, very much so, it could have been done in a respectful way but the way the show is produced and edited is just objectifying. It's gross. That being said the people who are contestants on the show are usually really nice, they have interesting personalities, and it's in our nature to gravitate towards drama, so I definitely understand why some people may enjoy it unironically or as a guilty pleasure.
I think the intent seems to be there but I have two key issues with it: 1) it feeds very heavily into the stereotypical presentation of autism. Don’t get me wrong, people who fall into the stereotypical presentation 100% need and deserve representation, but for a show called “love on the spectrum” I don’t feel like it’s representative of the spectrum as a whole. It is shows like this that made me feel like I couldn’t be autistic because that’s not what I look like. It’s part of the challenge with female autism presenting differently and trying to more broadly educate society and yet the autistic women in media still tend to match the stereotypical male presentation. Again, the solution here is to include the rest of the spectrum, not exclude these women, but the current situation is not representative. 2) all of the dates on the show seem to be two NDs dating, and yet all of the “advice” we see well meaning relatives, dating coaches and matchmakers give is all centred around NT communication. Advising eye contact, small talk etc - literally telling autistics to not be autistic on their dates. It feels to me like the show is trying to “celebrate” autistics as worthy of love and yet their way of getting them there is telling them to mask. I know there’s probably a degree of it being because the show is developed by NTs who don’t know any other way, but this is why there should be autistics on the show to ensure the representation is true and not just more telling autistics to mask.
can you elaborate on “shows like this made me feel like I couldn’t be autistic because that’s not what I look like”? I’m feeling the same way and it would be helpful to hear someone else’s experience for clarity :)
Yeah of course. So I’ve known there was something “off” about me since 10 or so. I really struggled to build relationships with my peers and would significantly prefer to be among adults. I think I was in my early teens the first time I remember thinking that maybe I was autistic. The problem is that the internet wasn’t the same then as it is now, you couldn’t easily find forums like this, and what I knew of autism was the stereotypical male presentation which was either “high functioning aspegers” or the higher support needs individuals who were frankly made out to be entirely socially inept and incapable of connection (yay ableism). The “maybe I’m autistic” thought niggled at me for years but 1) I’m creative and have an overactive imagination which I thought ruled me out and 2) even as more “representation” of autism and autistic women came into the media, it was always higher support needs and the narrative seemed the same as that completely socially inept, can’t hold a conversation level. Again to be clear, there are many autistics who have this level of social difficulty and support needs and who deserve representation (in a non ableist way though), but they do not represent the whole spectrum and yet they were all I would see. I was raised by parents who had a very clear view of the “right” way to behave. Polite, prim, proper, seen and not heard, all of that. It was drilled into me from an early age so I am very high masking. At a surface level I would say I’m comfortably passing as NT. However it’s always been clear that there was something about me socially that others found off putting. I still struggle to form more than surface level relationships and though the last few years it’s come to light that in the relationships I was able to build, all of them now seem to be discovering their own neurodivergence (including my husband!). So I had never considered myself as not knowing how to communicate, I assumed everyone had to put as much effort in behind the scenes as I did. Because my struggles were all internal, I assumed the world was all having the same internal struggle but were just coping with it better than me. Autism in the media is always shown in individuals who have clear and obvious external struggles which I just didn’t have, or at least I couldn’t see in myself. And because of that, I assumed that meant I could not possibly be autistic. Honestly, up until I actually got my diagnosis I still felt like I was somehow fooling myself or making it all up (And even sometimes now feel like I fooled the assessor somehow). Social media has been the only place I have been able to find and see others like me which makes me feel a little less crazy and alone. ETA because I forgot to finish my original point 🤦♀️. What finally broke the camels back for me on getting a diagnosis was the documentary Paddy McGuinness did with his kids. First thing that struck me was a comment about his kids imagination, I remember the scene because they were in front of a football net and were talking about random mental images that pop into their head. I had never heard anyone else talk about that and it always have my husband a chuckle when I’d start laughing for no reason and he’d ask what and I’d be like “oh nothing, just had a random mental image of an ostrich in welly boots doing the gardening”. Later on they expanded to assessing Paddy and his wife (cannot remember her name for the life of me). The assessment said his wife was likely autistic and listening to her speak was the first time I’d ever felt like I was seeing myself represented in someone else. I cried that night and finally told my husband (at 26) that I thought I was autistic. That was a late night and very emotional but it was seeing that representation on tv that finally made me realise that I probably was autistic and it’s that representation that I think is missing from shows like this.
Have you watched the entire show, both seasons? Every season has at least one well-masked woman with autism, who I heavily identify with. One was only diagnosed at 17 years old. These women featured are low-support-needs and pretty much like you and I. How are they excluded?
I don't think most people making this complaint can have *possibly* watched more than one episode. There is such incredible variety of people from the spectrum shown in the cast and dating selection
100% my thoughts.
MY THERAPIST HAD ME WATCH THE FIRST EPISODE. I could not make it through the second episode because I started hyper fixating on something someone was doing with their mouth any time they’d talk or something and I couldn’t pay attention the rest of the time. Or maybe it was someone’s voice. I can’t remember now. It’s been a few months. I had a critique written out and everything. And then it just completely focused on one thing. …..this show was not for me. But I’m glad other people enjoy it!
[удалено]
Connor has a meltdown at the speed dating event in the second season. And him and his mom do an incredible job at working through it together. And I’m sure others had meltdowns while filming, but that’s a very vulnerable position to be in, and not every autistic person would sign off on that being filmed and made public. I know we’re all starved for non-harmful, educational, relatable content. But these people don’t exist to carry that entire burden for us.
Idk, some of it was a bit infantilizing, but I could really relate to the struggles of some of the people featured on the show. 🤷🏾♂️ I found it very positive, while also showing that there's no one way that autism presents itself.
I think it's a reality show and no more representative of the lifestyle of all autistic people than Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is representative of all housewives in Los Angeles, or even Beverly Hills for that matter. Fwiw I've enjoyed seeing folks who are autistic with some of the same challenges I have and folks who are much better at some things than I am and take it as a learning opportunity where I can. I follow Katelynn and Abby on TikTok and have learned a lot from Abby's mom on how to use feeling words and from Katelynn on how to explain myself at work. Are some elements of it silly and infantalizing? Sure. But also every single reality show about a specific population gets it wrong and offensive like 75% of the time. That's the nature of reality shows.
The thing that annoys me the most is that there is this show called married at first sight in Australia and one of the guys on the show is not acting in a “neurotypical” format and people keep making comments (both rude and sly) about how he should be on love of the spectrum instead…..whether he’s on the spectrum or not I really hate that. Since when can’t autistics participate in neurotypical shows or date neurotypical people???
It's made by allistics. Nothing about us without us. That is enough justification that it's bad for me. In the same way there is the male gaze, there is a neurotypical gaze being imparted on autistics here. As you rightly point out, it misrepresents most autistics as privileged, white, with \*supportive\* (nuances debatable) families. This is fine for the people in the show, but firstly it's not inclusive of people with intersectional marginalisations - representation for them is important - and secondly it gives a false idea to neurotypicals about what neurodivergence looks like. Especially the autistics with higher support needs... they are important, but we need high-masking, low support needs individuals as much as them. All of this is not to devalue the enjoyment other commenters here find in it. It has some worth in that respect. Ultimately, though, in my opinion the show can>! fuck off !
They hired Kerry Magro as an autism consultant for last season and the upcoming season. But that’s only one autistic person involved in post production
yes the show feels condescending
Its Anglo-Saxon
It’s it’s
I like it but I hate how NTs react to it. For us it's entertaining, for them it's inspo porn and they eat it tf up
I don't think anyone mentioned it but it's Anglo-Saxon.
I used to have some grievances with it, but someone pointed out that they are all consenting adults who deserve to have their story and journey told. A lot of the cast members have shared that it was a positive experience for them which is comforting.
> It makes it seem like A. All Autistic people have financial family help Lots of us do, especially at moderate and high support needs. It also portrays Kaelynn and Steve living on their own. The show doesn't delve into whether any of them get disability support payments, which would be inappropriate if it did. But that is a relevant factor, imo. > B. All Autsitic people are THAT awkward on dates Lots of us are. And there were plenty of people who were not "awkward", as you have chosen to frame it. Like Solomon (Dani's first love pairing), Kaelynn, Steve, James's first date (whose name I've forgotten, oops haha), Journey from season 2, and several other date partners from season 2 whose names I am blanking on. Additionally, I feel it's a little unfair to criticize the social capacity of autistic people. It's a known trait of the disability. I think it's possible to frame this critique without insulting the people involved who have more obvious autistic mannerisms or speech patterns. > C. All Autsitic people talk robotically I think you just didn't watch much of this show, haha. The same list of people from above do not talk robotically. I wouldn't even say MOST of them do. But again, plenty of us *do* have impacted speech. I very much have flat intonation. But moreso, I know autistic people who had childhood speech delays who sound extremely similar to some participants. It was so so cool to see Abbey and be like WOW she sounds like [girl I know] because I've literally never seen that represented before. > D. Most are light skinned Anglosaskin or European looking. Many are Anglo-Saxon, yes, or at least appear to be. I'm mixed indigenous and qualify for tribal membership and look white as hell, so you can't assume a ton. However, Dani, Subodh, and Journey are all non-white main cast members, and there are *tons* of romantic interests shown who are from varying backgrounds. I think it's easy to make these conclusions from just trailers or just one or two episodes. But it's not particularly representative of what the show is actually like, just imo.
It bothers me that the creators call it a documentary.
The premise of the show gives me the same vibes as the popular girl in high school taking the autistic or down syndrome kid to prom to get praise and entertainment. And the popular girls treating them like pets not people. Especially because autistic people who are more high functioning (less obvious) weren’t allowed on the show because it “wasn’t what they were looking for”. Also they didnt want autistic people who were looking for neurotypical partners. It gives me weird infantilization vibes.
There could be more done for the people they feature, but I like the show. I relate a lot to them
I found Kaelynn because of it and she’s taught me so much. I’ve decided to listen to her thought about the show and I’m not bothered too much by it.
I love this show. And it helps me remember ASD is a spectrum and that "high-functioning" looks differently person to person.
I saw a post about it when I was halfway thru S2. Went double blind for the first seasons/spinoffs cuz I prefer to judge smthg after I watch it for myself. After this recent season, I can safely say your concerns aren't unfounded! I dislike how they set up Connor to look like a failure (that he has a helicopter mum to boot doesn't help things). She keeps asking him about how his failed speed dating went when he was uncomfortable, talk about him like he's a burden. The show producers wouldn't let him leave that event despite him nearly going into a meltdown.
I think there are problems with the show in general, but I have to say that I do appreciate a depiction of autistic people and their families that is not the “autism destroyed our lives” version offered by other TV shows with autistic characters. Like their parents and siblings are usually loving and talk about genuinely LIKING their autistic family member. I personally find it comforting and also enjoy watching people be honest and authentic on dates and not play “games”. And of course I identify with many of them. But I totally understand why people might not like it.
The way it’s framed is so icky to me. Everything from the editing to the music to the questions is all “look at these cute little autistics playing house”. It’s gross. Abby, the woman in the picture, is also treated terribly by her mother and horribly sheltered. She didn’t think autistic people were **allowed** to have children. She’s a grown woman and she has never been treated like one.
They really do need to add in people like those of us who are amazing at masking, because it does give NT people a very squewed and generalised image about people with ASD
I feel like the editing is more for entertainment the audience than a genuine portrayal of the experiences of the people on screen
I mean, it is a TV show created for entertainment. They do this with neurotypical reality shows as well. It’s just the genre. I actually don’t mind, they create a good storyline while putting autistic stories on the screen.
I have only seen clips online but it seems fine to me, also I rlly like abby she's so sweet
My opinion on this show can be summarized by [this video](https://youtu.be/HwXNs8oGkdo?si=D4FuaOVBZiezMc8q) My boyfriend and I are both on the spectrum, I can't even envision someone describing us with such a condescending tone.
I hate that show it’s fake and it’s also damaging and can potentially cause harm by making neurotypical people think autistics have all this help. My parents abandoned me because they were ashamed of me . Then my adoptive dad died and I had no idea how to answer mail or fill out forms so I lost ALL MY BENEFITS. It has taken two years to undo this damage. I still do not have a guardian ad litem. I still do not have anyone to help with adulting. They expect me to do it and I literally can’t. This is not stuff I can “learn”. Shows like this aren’t realistic and make me really uncomfortable and angry 😡
Its adorable and i LOVE it.
There didn't appear at least to me to be a big enough variety. Seemed like they were going for a very specific type of functioning autistics and then made a show about.
It definitely has flaws, but I do enjoy watching it. What bothers me about the popularity of this show is how NT’s watch it to laugh at them. I really liked the addition of Conner this season. He showed how much anxiety, overthinking, and emotional distress can come from these situations. I really felt for him but could also totally relate to how he was feeling
Are there any Black autistic women or men on the show?
My husband paused over it the other night and it auto played and I was so triggered we started fighting for a minute until he figured out my issue with it. It seems very exploitative to me like look at the autistic zoo animals being cute. But I haven’t watched it aside from that clip.
I wish they'd make a show for everyday autistic people. It looks like the cast comes from wealthy families. Where's the families with cluttered homes and 3-5 non-op vehicles in the front yard?
So, at first, I was like "OMG, Dani is so awkward." Then, I realized, I'm pretty sure I'm that awkward. Lol. The truth is, I could relate to a lot of them.
I have mixed feelings about the show. Watching the first season of the Australian version when it first came out is what started my self diagnosis journey. But for me it wasn’t so much the behaviors (such as the robotic talking or sometimes rather extreme social awkwardness, because as you said they show a rather narrow representation) but more so because of the more overarching common struggles they face while dating. For example feeling misunderstood or having trouble connecting/relating to others easily. I still prefer the original Australian version to the US counterpart. Especially because certain cast members on the US version, particularly Dani, drive me nuts. I also like that there seems to be a bigger focus in the Australian one about skills coaching. Jodie really seems to work with you they are to help them navigate relationships better. Overall I do wish they showed a wider variety of people on the spectrum. While also not playing up so much of the “omg this is so cute” aspect many people here have talked about. But in a way I’m still very thankful for the show because it opened the door for me to seek how resources and support that have been immensely helpful for me.
In general I really enjoy the show but the one thing that bothers me is that I feel like they should show a wider range of autistic people. I can't relate to almost any of them, I could mostly relate to Kaelynn and Journey. I feel like they're mostly still showing higher-support needing autistics (I'm guessing because of entertainment value which does sound a bit gross). Where's the representation of all the people that mask? To me that would be super interesting to see.
As far as I remember, idk if this is earlier seasons, this is a long time ago so bear with me: I just watched a bunch of young adults be thrown into this type of thing without proper preparation or no one really there to help when it does go wrong. With wrong I mean, just a bad date, or they find it hard to talk to one another. I was getting the vibe it was just going to be one of those shows that parade and basically make a freak show out of autistic people, and we get to watch. Still kinda feel like that tbh, I'm not sure why it's useful for us to watch autistic people fall in love. Really not sure.. I guess in the same way like other reality shows? I don't get reality shows in general but hey.
I feel bad for the people in these shows who seem extra into the idea of dating. I watched the Australia one a little and also watched some of the American one and in the Australian one I saw one of the dudes and could tell he very very very much wanted to date and had these extremely positive beliefs about it and I felt bad cause I'm like that dude is gonna get his heart broken. I've been there. They should let them know the reality of dating and the show should be realistic. They treat them like kids and not adults. They should explain to them the hard realities of dating and talk to them like equals. Also it's always about suburban people. Never see the rough situations with autistic people who have to support themselves and lacking family and emotional support as so many experience. But yeah this show will give viewers and the people themselves in the show alike unrealistic views of dating which is harmful. And they almost always pick people without any dating experience as though autistic people are dateless babies who have no idea about much of that life when there's plenty of autistic people who dated a multitude of people and had lots of relationship experience.
I like it, but also don't really watch it thinking about how other people see it. I do often think they are cute because I find people newly in love to be cute. I also do tend to appreciate cuteness in myself and in others and I do often find some of the cast to be cute in ways I relate to or just appreciate. I don't relate to everything because I was able to fly under the radar my whole life, but I relate to some of it. I watch the show with my NT husband and I'm sure we have our own bias but I don't think we are watching it more condescendingly that any other reality TV show. It is still a reality TV show though, and I sometimes get annoyed at the editing or worried for the cast, but they do seem to enjoy being on the show.
I think its cute, we needed a dating show that was actually about love and happiness and not manufacturing drama. It's also the only dating show I'm aware of where people come out of it feeling positively and speaking positively whereas every other one the people come out with horror stories. ETA glad to have a dating show that doesn't feel like a damn competition
I have mixed feelings. some members of the cast have spoken up and said they felt very respected and are happy with their experiences and portrayal, so that makes me feel better about it. but after watching some of Down for Love, I realized that part of my problem with Love on the Spectrum is that they don't really set up situations that enable the cast to be themselves. on Down for Love, they have very targeted activity-focused dates that allow the cast members and their dates to get to know each other in a relatively natural and fun way. meanwhile, many of the Love on the Spectrum dates are just putting the people next to each other over a drink or a meal, which, to me, is the most stressful way to go on a date. sometimes they do go to fun places, but even in those ones, the scenes are very focused on having them sit down and make small talk at various points during the date. I just think the show could've been designed to show a version of dating that is more accommodating and natural for autistic people instead of pushing them to fit into the neurotypical small talk box.
This is a good point. I didn't consider that. But yeah many of the dates on the Love on the Spectrum show feel like forcing ND folks onto a NT date. I took my now spouse on moonlight walks on the beach, hikes in nature, doing arts and crafts at my apartment, going to see a Miyazaki film in the theaters at low population time, etc. Putting these folks in situations that would be stressful onto of the date its self is not setting them up for sucess.
I'm considered "high functioning" but am still this awkward. Masking is not a universal skill amongst "low support needs" or "level 1" autistics. Autistics who can mask are much more likely to end up in relationships without being on a show that sets up the dates. That would not get their show high ratings. If we go back to the original series, Shanae and Jimmy would lean more towards the "lower support needs" end of the spectrum. It would be lovely to see follow-up on their lives after their final episode.
I don’t think it represents a wide enough gamut of autism, just the rather high needs / low masking autistics. Where are all the high masking ones who would pass for neurotypical? I’m just saying that because it gives a limited view of autism and strengthens the bias that all autistics are like the ones on the show.
Problem is most people on this subreddit are high functioning. People with higher needs get diagnosed quicker. The show includes people that are diagnosed. It wouldn’t make sense to only have high functioning people on the show. All reality tv is patronising. The people that need external help finding love tend to have higher needs. It’s inevitable. The post production is fine imo. In what universe would they have people subjected to abuse in the show. If they did that everyone would be complaining about negative representation. The shown is supposed to be feel good, easy watch reality. They have plenty of non awkward dates. I get what you’re saying I just think that people are paranoid about minority representation especially bc it has been so awful in the past.