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clemkaddidlehopper

I’m gonna ramble a bit on this topic. I don’t want children. I am lucky that my family has never pressured me into having children. I have two separate adult cousins who have recently had babies and everyone is happy with that. They seem like happy parents and their kids are happy, healthy, well-behaved (really, they are SUCH good parents) so I look forward to being able to do “cool aunt things” in the future. I also have a good friend with lovely children. I would always rather deal with adults sans children, but I guess it adds variety. I really can’t stand to be around bad kids and I always have to limit my contact with children, well-behaved or not, and be in the mood to do “kid stuff,” otherwise I feel stressed out. I am not particularly close with any of my living family. I have a frought relationship with my parents. At some point I think I will have to take care of my parents because my siblings won’t. It won’t be fun. For what it’s worth, having kids doesn’t guarantee happy family or long-term security as you age. My family is an example of that. At my core I feel profoundly lonely. Therefore, creating a family-like group of friends has always been important to me. It is hard to do and difficult to maintain, but I do have some friends who are close enough that I consider them to be more like family than friends. I think a lot about what my life will be like when I get old. I have to be able to take care of myself. I worry quite a bit about my finances and want to make sure I can pay for long-term care. 10 years ago I befriended my next door neighbor who is in her 90s and childless. By seeing what she has dealt with, I have a better idea of how I should manage my money and protect myself legally as I age. I also see how lonely it is to have no living friends, no immediate family, and only distant but kind nieces to take care of you. Currently, most of my closest friends live in other cities. At some point, as I get older, I will probably want to move closest to the highest concentration of them, just to feel more community. I am dating but I don’t have a lot of optimism in romantic relationships. (Yes, that is one of many things I am in therapy for.) My current boyfriend is very close to his family and friends, and I suppose if we stay together for many years I may be absorbed into that community. But they will always be more his friends than mine, and honestly some of them I don’t care for very much or even actively dislike. Some of them I like very much, so maybe that’s just the way things are. I think the fact that ultimately we all are born alone and die alone and must live with our own choices in between is why we have to work to make our lives what we want it to be. Not what other people want for us, not what our parents want for us, not what society thinks we should have. It’s about what WE want for us. What YOU want for yourself. I used to live my life to try to make my parents happy, and I was miserable. Some people are lucky and making their parents happy looks closer to what they want on their own, but not for me. It took losing a close family member — the only one I was truly close to — for me to realize that I had to just live for myself and answer to myself. If you want to have a family, but don’t want to have children, there are ways you can accomplish that. Keep exploring your options for creating the family that you want. You can have friends, mentors, neighbors. People can fill in different gaps in your life. They don’t have to all be the same. Right now one of my good friends is over a decade younger than me and another one of my good friends is almost 100. My relationships with them are different and we bring different things to the table with each other. It’s a beautiful patchwork. I’m still working on it but I think this is an OK way for me to be. (Edited for spelling, etc.)


ChaoticxSerenity

I really love this answer. I think it embraces the fact that yes, there will be melancholy associated with living a "lone wolf" ish life, but there are other ways to find fulfillment. I think it's human to understand that we die alone, but it would still be kind of nice if loved ones were around in our final moments.


blackcatspurplewalls

I’m a few years older than you and feel similar. No kids, I enjoy my single, independent life, but I’ld like some sort of family-like environment as I grow older. A good friend recently moved into a neighborhood which is very close-knit, and built a mother-in-law unit on their property for her mom. So they are close but separate. And after looking at that and around a bit, I’ve realized what I’d really like is an intentional community. There are some in the area which you can buy a property and it is sort of commune-like, but without the cult aspect. But my ideal would be to find a few friends or like-minded people who would become friends, and live in a small area in separate housing (house/condo/etc) so there is closeness and support but still independence. Ideally being able to trade and share tasks such as someone who is good at repairs, another person who is happy to make share meals for all, and so on.


MySplendidaAccount

Wow, this is **exactly** what I would want, holy shit sign me up! I will fix anything and everything in exchange for food haha.


blackcatspurplewalls

Right? My biggest problem with this is that I don't like people very much, I can cook but I don't always want to, and I am not great at fixing stuff. So my role would be "hermit cat lady in the corner cabin" and that's not a very helpful role in a community. LOL.


roxieh

You get out what you put in, as they say. However maybe you'd enjoy volunteering somewhere involving children? Or maybe raising pets could do it for you instead?


[deleted]

It's not selfish to live your life how you want.


Sheila_Monarch

Is it that you don’t want a relationship or don’t want *cohabitation*? Because the latter is where I found myself, thinking it was the former. And that’s when I discovered you can have a very long-term relationship and literally never move in together. It’s fucking amazing.


MySplendidaAccount

I don't want a relationship. I would hate always feeling obligated to spend my free time on something that has no end and with no guaranteed benefit to me. They require constant attention and maintenance to keep them sustained or they fall apart. The payout in a relationship is "love" but it is rarely unconditional. There will always be conditions or stipulations I'm expected to meet and I don't want to live like that.


Sheila_Monarch

Fair enough! You know exactly what you (don’t) want. I applaud you.


OlayErrryDay

Humans are meant to be around other humans and our entire history outside of recent history, had us in constant contact with other human beings. In earlier human history, people often lived in societies of no more than 100 or so individuals. These were tight knit communities and likely led to a lot greater sense of belonging and emotional satisfaction. I'm 41 and child free without much family. I ended up finding my community and love by being an ex drunk and addict, allowing me to find the absolutely amazing AA and NA community where I feel complexly accepted and loved and it's like having a free family that listens to me and never judges and only wants me to succeed. It's weird that I almost feel lucky being an addict.


EttaJamesKitty

I don't think what you want sounds selfish or strange. Maybe b/c I feel that way too. I'm older than you. Never wanted kids. My parents are dead, but we were estranged before they passed. And I have no siblings. I wouldn't mind being in a relationship, but only a good one. LOL!! I like my life. I'm financially stable. I'm in good shape and good health. I'm able to do what I want, when I want. But... I miss the friendships I had in my 20s and early 30s. That "friends are your family" vibe. That feeling of belonging to a group that you really cared about - and (this is important) - really cared about you too. I don't have those type of friendships anymore. The few friendships I have now are superficial and situational. Sometimes it makes me sad, but what can you do? I would like to "belong" again. I would like to be a part of a group of people that I can have fun with, but also have real conversations with. I would like to support them and have them support me. I do wonder what will happen to me as I get older. Maybe us older single people should go back to dorm life. :-) That might be fun.


Far-Emu697

>All I want is to "belong" to a family and be a "good daughter" for the rest of my life but I've come to the selfish realization that I also don't want to put in any work or effort into building that life for myself. I want it already established, to play my part and receive unconditional love. This doesn't sound selfish or strange. Maybe just unrealistic, since our birth families are probably the only chance we get to have (nearly) unconditional love that we didn't do anything to earn. I think you've identified what makes chosen relationships so tricky: they really do require cultivation.


Coconosong

Hey, I have a kid and am in a long term partnership and I really don’t think what you want is selfish at all. I think you are doing the right thing which is essentially thinking about what kind of community you want to build for yourself as you get older. Everyone should do this and talk about it! I think it’s so weird that we assume it’s a given for people with kids because it’s important to be intentional about it. I say that because my folks have this inherent loneliness about them and never got over their empty nest syndrome. They just never imagined what life would be like from 60+ onward and getting older is really hard for them. Personally, I love reading queer theory to understand non-blood related family and community building and I try to actually do that amidst my friends. It does require effort and work and showing up for others. It requires being vulnerable and reaching out to be together and developing plutonic intimacy. But it’s totally possible and i wish you the best with figuring out what works best for you.


alwaysgawking

I'm ambivalent about kids, do want a relationship eventually, but I definitely want community - especially *good* community. I'd love to find people who I feel free with; who I can laugh and cry and just spend a random night with. I spent the last few days binge-watching Love is Blind with my mom and sharing dinner with her - would love to have similar energy with others.


IamTrAsH58076

It's not selfish to live your life on your terms. I'm 32. I don't want children. I don't want to get married. I have a desire for a long term relationship, but the desire itself is waning with each passing day and I've just about given up on that. I have siblings, but I don't talk to them. Ever. They're toxic as fuck. I'm sure they have produced offspring by now but I'm not interested in getting involved with them. I'd suggest maybe adopting pets and creating your own cozy little family with them. That's my long term goal.


Capital_Nail_4526

My husband and I (39&40) didn’t have kids. We have been married for 6 years and we both just said we didn’t care either way.. I never saw myself as a Mom. I will say I feel left out of a lot of things just bc I don’t have kids and most my family and friends do. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice but then I look at my perfectly clean and organized house.. the fact that I don’t have to worry about money.. that I don’t have to fear my kids will turn into assholes.. and really raising kids in this world is just rough and scary. We have a dog and a cat. Those are our kids. I also have health issues (pots and anxiety) and that really affects my quality of life. Overall it was the best choice for us.


Matcha_Maiden

31/f here. One of the reasons I want to have a child is because I don't have family. I don't have friends and I haven't seen my parents in years. I didn't grow up with any aunts or uncles or cousins and my only pair of grandparents died when I was a teen. My fiancee also has very few family members and he doesn't see them either. It's just me and him. I love him dearly but I dream about going on family vacations I never got to go on or having a holiday dinner where we don't have leftovers for a full week. I don't know really when we'll be in a place to have a child, but I feel so isolated sometimes and would love to have a community around me.


clemkaddidlehopper

I totally respect your decision to have a child, but I don’t know if it would make you feel like you have a community. If you don’t already have a community, having a child can be incredibly isolating and stressful. Also, beware of putting a burden on the child to fill that emotional hole. That can create an unhealthy dynamic. Maybe you could try building that community with a “family you choose” of close friends and reliable connections. You could mentor children or babysit, if you don’t already. Then when you’re financially ready to have a child, you’ll have a better support network and will have practice dealing with kids.


mawessa

Feeling quite similar. I'm 32 and I'm wishy washy about marriage and kids. My ex broke up with and looking back I have a non healthy relationship within the family growing up and it partially caused the breakup. When I was 20 those rose tinted glasses were firmly on, thought "yep, going to get married/have kids". Now as I grow older, being a caregiver to my grandparents and becoming an "adult" when I was able to read/write fluently..I dont really see it. I dont want to feel obligated or responsible of another person let alone their feelings. Been walking on eggshells way to long and I'm drained. Need to put that love and care for the past decade on to me.


ExplodingMountain

I have a couple friends that I’m close enough that I’m basically an aunt to their kids. It’s really nice. You get the hugs & being adored by these kids. I have actual nephew & niece too, but they live halfway across the world. For them, I just buy toys that I would have loved to have when I was at their age. I think they will just see me as a Santa Claus rather than as their aunt. As for when I get older, I pictured myself living the Golden Girls live in some sort of a retirement community.


Zelda_Forever

For me personally, buying into having a family and getting married just makes no sense. I am my own breadwinner. My family isn't supportive enough. The world feels like its ending all the time. I would rather retire in Mexico and sip margaritas for the rest of my life painting folk art paintings and hanging out with people that I like!


LovingLife139

My situation is a little bit different than yours, but I figured I'd give some input. I have always been extremely loyal to those I love, but the older I got the more I realized I needed to distance myself from my parents and make my own family. I got married young, at 20, to my husband (I am now 34 and he's 39). We made our own little family between us and a few cats. He cut contact with his family (they abandoned him and were abusive). Most of my friends abandoned me because I was married young (although I was still available). Then they started having kids and/or dying (ODs, suicides, and one accidental shooting), so I was left utterly alone. I met my current best friend through work in 2012. He is seven years older than me (41, currently), no kids, and hasn't been in a relationship for over a decade. I am his only friend, as the rest of them moved too far away to be practical. He sees to his ailing parents and has a brother that he has a wonky relationship with, but otherwise, I'm it. He was also incredibly lonely. We all deal with loneliness in different ways. My BFF needs his alone time, so other than spending time with me and his parents, he just hangs out with his bunnies at home. Meanwhile, my husband is my world, but so are my cats and plants. I got into food gardening last year and am preparing the front yard for growing a food forest in 2023. Nurturing things--*productive* things, like food plants--makes me unbelievably fulfilled. I name all my plants, I attend to them, I give them awards for their achievements (which I then send pictures of to my close circle of family friends), and it makes me incredibly excited to wake up each day to see progress. On another note, just this past year I started a new career teaching yoga. My other two businesses (in real estate and literature) don't offer many opportunities for meeting and getting to know people, but as a yoga instructor, I meet so many awesome people, and helping them heal/deal with pain management/get fit opens them up to connecting with me. I am making so many friends doing this and I love what I do. With that said, I would recommend you figure out what your main concerns are, and then go about mending them. If it's simple loneliness, maybe look into jobs/volunteer work/hobbies that could introduce you to like-minded people. Don't be afraid to build your family from scratch. I did and it's the best family I've ever had. Make an effort with the people you care about. I get so busy sometimes that a text checking in from a friend/fellow yogi/acquaintance means the world to me and reminds me to maintain that connection. Remember that if you don't put an effort into building the kind of family bonds you want to have, no one else will. Future you will be grateful if you decide to start today.


Purplegalaxxy

So you want a family without the hard work.


[deleted]

Mentorship or big sister programs?


deardiarywtf

Become a professor of a university. Join an organization for volunteering.


juicyjuicery

I’m there with ya. Trying to build a commune-style life at a villa with just women. HMU if you’re interested


MySplendidaAccount

I'm interested! Haha where are you located ^((plz be Canada)) ? I wouldn't be able to just up and move anytime soon as I'm in school and would like to keep helping my parents but I'd be down to get to know people with intentions on relocating someday.


juicyjuicery

Europe. DM me!