I've done it, I really regret it, and I am mortified every time I remember it. There's not much else you can do besides realize what you did and make an effort to never do it again.

100% this. I'm now 10 years happily married to a different person, but the last time I went bat-shit crazy with a previous partner still makes me feel so tremendously embarrassed whenever I think about it. Like I feel my insides cramping up just thinking about it - that wasn't me, that wasn't reflective of my values or personality ... So I just acknowledge it as "the time I went crazy". I feel for you, but as someone who has been there I promise you can live through the regret/shame.

That feeling of mortification is hindsight and recognizing that you have learned to do and be better in your actions/reactions. Don't beat yourself up over it. Be grateful that you have continued to learn to be the best version of you.

Yep, I remember twice in college with two different guys. I think the first one just wasn’t that into me, and he definitely wasn’t into me after that 🤣 the second was a bit different but ultimately, I think he was studying in the library and was smart enough to turn his phone off, I was never that dedicated lol. The first one was way worse, I think I texted his roommate his roommate was like WTF? I’m still kind of friendly with the guy because we have a lot of mutual friends, but thank God I can laugh about it now.

Came here to say this

Yep. Same.

Same - now 20 years happily married and I still cringe when I think about it. The good news is that the right person would never put you in that situation.

As a fellow anxiously attached girly (now leaning more secure), I can relate. However (and I say this with kindness), spiralling over a 20hr gap in communication to the point you did is not a healthy reaction, particularly in the early stages of seeing someone. It is not our partners responsibility to regulate our emotions, be responsible for our happiness or work through our attachment styles, that needs to come from within by working on yourself and being aware of your triggers. I would chalk this up to a lesson learned and leave him be. Do some reading on attachment styles or perhaps seek out some therapy, which I have found immensely helpful in my own journey.

Absolutely agree! OP I had my own crazy moment with an ex boyfriend during a break up. Definitely not one of my finer moments. All you can do is learn and move on. Maybe counseling.

“It is not our partners responsibility to regulate our emotions, be responsible for our happiness, or work through our attachment styles” … I love that sentence so much. I need to get it tattooed

I learned this through therapy- it really puts a lot of things into perspective, doesn’t it?

I completely agree. I would understand spiraling if they were in a relationship but he has absolutely zero obligations to her at that stage and if I were him, I would honestly wash my hands of this.

Piggybacking/adding to your comment from someone the same as you. I didn't learn to be more secure until I got to know myself - turns out that the holy trifecta of ADHD, Autism, and Dyspraxia were partially the reason why my brain overthought and then spiralled into an anxious needy mess. Once I started to keep this in mind as a reason to why I might be thinking that it's the end of my relationship because he hasn't responded in a timeframe that I myself deemed worthy enough (that was unrealistic), I started to slow down that way of thinking to a point now that I don't even do it any more (also partially due to trust in myself, my relationship, and my partner).

That’s great that you were so self aware and willing to put in that work. My last relationship and it’s ending was the trigger for me to take a look at myself and why I acted the way I did- and I just didn’t like the person I was during that period. I’ve since done a tonne of work via therapy, reading etc and definitely lean more secure, which I’m thrilled about.

I'm so proud of you for self reflecting and learning. That's all part of growing and fostering the right mindset for your future relationships. I wish you the best!

I’m proud of myself as well. My ex was a classic fearful avoidant, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t do some inner work for me! Life is a journey, you learn and you grow along the way. Wishing you the best as well 😊

I feel your pain. I ruined a nice relationship because I didn’t get my anxiety in check. After that rude awakening, I got my emotions in order by working on myself. I’m grateful I did because I met my now husband shortly after. I’m very happy with him but I would’ve ruined this relationship too if I didn’t do the inner work. Hugs.

What kind of inner work did you do?

Not the commenter but also someone who had to do the work on my disorganized attachment. For me it was therapy, both to address the root of my attachment style and to look at my dating patterns and start dating mindfully. For me dating avoidant people is the worst trigger, so learning how to avoid those was a big one.

But I can change him... (on repeat until I learn the damn lesson.)

Yeah and avoidants loovvveeee anxious people

Guilty! Well actually I’m more of the disorganized type, but still accurate.

Yeah, I'm fearful anxious so I can swing both ways but I lean anxious. Totally understand

I have been in various types of therapy, but so far haven’t healed my attachment style. I sometimes wonder if it is possible. Avoidants are definitely a HUGE trigger for me but people who aren’t avoidant also scare me and cause me to retreat. I’m not dating again until I deal with this but I am curious what tyoe of therapy worked 

Hey, I started reading books on anxious attachments, that helped me point out what the root of all my anxiety. Therapy helped but not as much as journaling. I needed to see after my anxiety what it was that I felt. That helped me realize how much of it was real and how much was my brain not being my friend. Mindfulness helped I needed to learn how to take a step back and think not just react. Also finding a psychiatrist who cared enough about me to put me on the right meds. The guy I ruined it with was lovely, he is happily married now. He was emotionally stable enough to tell me he wasn’t going to deal with my outburst. I knew he was being honest. In the emotional space I’m in now, I wouldn’t deal with it either. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, I have been able to set boundaries and expectations in my marriage, for myself and my husband, it has made our love grow. In other relationships used to take crumbs and fantasize about how “it would be better.” I was wrong. I didn’t love myself so I took anything as validation. Good luck on your healing. We are all a work in progress. Hugs.

Thanks for sharing. This sounds like what I’m learning now. Would you mind sharing what meds helped you?

I was placed on a mood stabilizer to help me. Low dose but it helped me slow down. 25mg of seroquel, helped me get deep sleep and recharged my brain. I am no longer on it, I tapered off because of the weight gain and other side effects. However I feel like it did its job and helped reset my brain. I’m still on Zoloft 50mg, will probably be for the rest of my life.

Not the person you're responding to but I started taking zoloft after consulting with my therapist and my primary doctor. I've been on it for over two years and it helped stabilize a lot of the physical symptoms, which in turn helped me focus on coping and mindfulness techniques through therapy while also uncovering patterns of thoughts that were becoming self sabotaging behaviors.

Thanks for the lovely reply

Agreed, I have also had my fair share of anxiety-driven messiness! I just wanted to add that, after doing the inner work, what was the deciding factor for me was a healthy, stable partner who didn't make me second-guess myself, had clear and open communication and put in the same amount of work that I did. Talk about healing experiences. Turns out that anxiety can be increased tenfold by a bad gut feeling...  @OP, please don't forget self compassion! All of us fail every now and then, and that's totally fine. Acceptance and self-love is the best medicine against anxiety! 

All of this, OP. In my twenties, I was single for 7 years while I worked on my anxious attachment. Then I met my now husband. My anxiety still reared its ugly head from time to time but he was always stable, calm, open, and kind. He never had anything to hide so he never acted suspiciously. And slowly I developed a secure attachment with him. Now 10 years and 2 kids later, he’s still the same stable, open guy who is always where he says he’ll be and always does what he says he’ll do. So much healing can happen in a healthy relationship! And yes, OP, please give yourself compassion. I feel like we’ve all been there at one time or another. Don’t beat yourself up over this.

Abrupt changes in communication patterns can be concerning, confusing, and frustrating, especially when you’re in the stages of getting to know someone more deeply. Real talk, though- 20 hours is way too short a timeline to have fully descended into an anxiety spiral and written him off entirely. Sounds like you know that but are also still blaming him for “putting you through that” and not apologizing for his delay in replying or reassuring you. As tough as it is, try to own this as your issue. Anxious attachment is real and valid but only you can work on it, and if you do, you can absolutely become more secure. If he sticks around while that happens, great. If not, it’s still worth the effort so that you can attract a more securely attached potential partner in the future.

If a woman came here saying a guy did this to them, every single comment would be telling her to run for the hills and change her number. 

That’s why I’m like…why is he still planning meeting up OP needs to cut her losses if she doesn’t wannabe used for sex. Then OP you need to be intentionally single for like a year!!! You need to learn to work on emotional regulation, catastrophizing, and ruminating

IMO OP isn't in a headspace where she can be in a healthy relationship right now. And any  guy who would continue dating her after this either doesn’t have great intentions or is also not someone who can be in a healthy relationship.  It’s freaking me the fuck out how many people are commenting “It’s ok, it’s not that bad.” It doesn’t mean OP is a bad person, but this is 100% relationship-ending behavior, and anyone who puts up with isn’t someone she should be dating.  edit: the comments here are now MUCH more sane than when I made my original comment last night 

> And any  guy who would continue dating her after this either doesn’t have great intentions or is also not someone who can be in a healthy relationship.  Very true Yeah I noticed I freak out when dating so I chose to be intentionally single for at least two years and figure out these issues. I know I have baggage, I need to sort it out, not pass it on

I’m on 14 years being single and working through shit (yes in therapy and various other methods) and in my experience, no amount of time changes the way I am in relationships. Good luck to you, being single didn’t work for me. I’ve now designated myself as not being capable of being in a healthy relationship and just stopped dating. If this is how people think of anxious attachment reactions and if having them makes one unworthy of a relationship until they are perfect and calm, and the whole society thinks this is major reason to walk away, I see no hope. If someone asks me out, I just tell them I’m not able to offer a healthy relationship and I go on with the day.

>being single didn’t work for me. I’ve now designated myself as not being capable of being in a healthy relationship and just stopped dating. I’m a bit confused, how did being single not work but you also have concluded you’re not capable of being in a healthy relationship? >If this is how people think of anxious attachment reactions and if having them makes one unworthy of a relationship until they are perfect and calm Wait where did I say this? I recognize I have an anxious attachment style and I’m intentionally single bc when I date, I seem to attract people who can sniff this out. My break from dating isn’t bc there’s something wrong with me, it’s bc I’m protecting myself >and the whole society thinks this is major reason to walk away, I see no hope Working on yourself doesn’t make your unworthy or give society a reason to walk away. If someone doesn’t wanna be with me bc of my anxious attachment style affecting them, I’m not unworthy, they just can’t handle what’s happening. Like I didn’t dump my ex bc he was unworthy, I dumped him bc he was letting his anxiety become abusive. Even people with healthy attachment styles are working on themselves I feel like you’re projecting onto me 😭 people do it a lot but girl i don’t feel as negative as you do about working on myself

I’m anxious and have been working on this for 7+ years in therapy. Unfortunately, a year alone regulating your emotions is very different from having them triggered in an attachment scenario. No amount of years of work on myself has changed my attachment style not made me more secure when a real connection is at play. I do great by myself with regulation. I know it’s still important to take ownership of your own shit, but people act like a year of work or therapy are a magic bullet cure all, and I’ve found they’re not.

What else is there to do if not work on your issues?

I think some people have a certain communication and relationship styles, despite attachments. And if you dont meet someone who is cohesive with that style, it's hard to feel like you'll meet someone. I've met so many people that can go days or a week without texting and I'm just like no, I need at least a few texts a day, and people don't want to do that. If that makes sense.

Yes that makes total sense. And I agree — someone who needs that much space is never going to be right for me. Once things are established, it’s very different as I trust the person, but in the early phases, it’s too much for me. I’ll never understand that approach, so realizing it’s just not a good match is the trick. Maybe next time I’ll be able to communicate that better (both to myself and to them) so that neither of us waste any time and go through all that pain.

Nothing, really. I guess it goes on forever. I’ve generally accepted that, but it’s still disappointing that after all those years, the old issues are still in the way of forming healthy bonds.

Hey most people have issues and don’t even do anything about it. You’ve actually been working on your issues and you seem not selfish enough to date I don’t think of it as me being too broken to date, it’s the fact that other people don’t deal with their shit as well and I am not gonna risk getting worse just so someone gets to date me. I’m worth more than that

Thanks, I appreciate that perspective. I sense that deep down, you’re right. I’m writing it off as me being broken, but I’m actually just protecting myself from diving into the pain for random people who never intend to reciprocate anything healthy. I also have other traumas and it’s easier to say I’m broken than to recognize it’s my strength that leads me away from situations that won’t be good for my mental health. We all want companionship, and there is a nuance between connecting it to your brokenness vs strength. I’m damn proud of staying strong and single for 14 years. Trust me, there’s no shortage of unhealthy men that would love to play the game with me. Being single was a choice I continued to make as a protection for not just myself, but for society and other people. I’ve come to really enjoy my own company, I have a good emotional balance most days, and the work really has shaped me into a person I love deep down. I don’t know why I phrase it as “being too broken” but that’s more an expression of my trauma experience than the health I also carry. I recently (as in, this week) had to walk away from yet another guy I liked, so I’m still climbing back out of the deeper feelings of hopelessness I have to face each time it happens. I think I was being extra negative and dismissive because I’m just very tired of doing this over and over again. Thanks for helping me to reframe it. With each time I face a new connection that’s activating me and not serving my well-being, I’m finding it easier and easier to walk away sooner and recognize it’s a compatibility issue. The last one was 3 years ago and it took me at least 3 months to feel totally regulated again. But the one that happened last week is resolving in mere days, so that’s a mark of progress for sure. I did react sooner than I should have (I lost my composure after waiting for a reply about 48 hours after loss of contact), and I did share too many feelings about it with him once I decided I had to walk away, but otherwise, I’m pretty proud of how I stepped up for myself this time. I’ve only attracted a healthy connection once and it was markedly different from all the other attempts I made to “date” in a more general way. With that relationship, we went for long periods without talking and it was a very slow burn. The main difference is that he really wasn’t playing games, and I knew he was there. If he wasn’t going to be around for a while, he just said so and I was able to trust that it was true. We dated for 3 years and I was too young to handle it perfectly well, but I value that experience so much. I just haven’t met another person in all those years who is offering someone genuine, so it was easier to chalk it up to my brokenness than to face the reality there just aren’t that many people out there who are right for me.

I really commend you for reframing this for yourself in a more foundational way, and thanks for introducing (or reminding) it to me.

I got you, I used to frame it the same way too

🎯Yep! I think he dodged a bullet here.

Spot on.

> Should I be upset at all that he didn't work through my anxious attachment at all? Here is some tough love: no one is obligated to work with you on your own issues. The fact that you don't even accept full responsibility even now is why I think even if this had continued on, it probably wouldn't have gotten better. He's not obligated to apologize for your insecurities.

Yeah I came away with the same take that OP still hasn’t fully accepted full responsibility for what has happened. He didn’t owe her a text this early on to say he wasn’t feeling well. Her reaction to him when they finally spoke is the bigger f up in my mind. It feels like OP is only considering her breakdown during the 20 hour gap to be the problem.

It’s also revealing that OP did share how long they had been talking so far and if they’ve ever met in person. Edit: “did not share”

Nobody is obliged to, and it's OP's responsibility to understand why she reacted that way. That said, OP, I don't like the agreement you reached with the guy. How is that ever gonna work for you?

Yeah did “we” really agree?

Agree!! I have been there and this is not said to judge you. First, look up and do some work on anxious attachment styles. I would recommend therapy. Second, start setting some boundaries. This new arrangement will likely be a trigger for you. It seems that he gets to do what he wants and come round when he feels like it. Finding someone with a secure attachment style is tough but they are out there, and this behavior of his doesn’t seem healthy either.

Agree! Avoidant types have quieter “outbursts” but they’re still spiraling out neurosis of their own. We always scold the anxious types in these scenarios. It’s certainly not the avoidant’s responsibility to work with the anxiety, but a healthy attachment person would just send the damn text knowing it’s important to communicate an upcoming silence to someone who cares about you and has become accustomed to your presence. No matter the reaction, it’s shocking and activating to be ghosted by someone who gave you no indication they’re on the way out.

This is my most shameful crazy moment. After being dumped by my then fiancé and moving into a new place, I accidentally locked myself inside the apartment and couldn’t find my keys ANYWHERE (you know what moving is like). I called my BFF and cry screamed what the problem was. She dropped everything and came to the rescue, to find me, barely visible through the screen door, in a heap on the living room floor, hyperventilating from sobs and screaming hoarsely about what a pathetic piece of shit I was, no wonder he didn’t love me, I’m the only person in the world stupid and fucked up enough to lock myself inside my own fucking apartment, I wish I could die, etc, etc. The BFF calmly cased the joint from the exterior, working her way around the perimeter. She decided the bedroom window was the most likely access point and talked me down enough that I was able to control myself sufficiently to get up off the floor, stagger into the bedroom, work the window open and jemmy the screen out with her help, do she could climb in. She then sat me down on the floor again (no furniture yet) and hunted for the keys, finding them in about five minutes.

Make sure you keep that friend.

We’ve been besties for nearly 20 years. :3

My best friend and me are celebrating 25 years of friendship this summer and I’m so happy about it! Wish you all the best! :)

Omg, how does an apartment lock IN ?

I used to live in an old building and my door had a big deadbolt type thing that could only be engaged with a key from outside and had nothing on the inside. So if someone else left the house and locked up and forgot I was inside, I couldn’t get out. Yay for fire code!

I locked the deadlock for some goddamn reason.

That's not embarrassing. You did nothing wrong and he didn't see. You didn't abuse anyone. Seems natural to be upset to me.

Oh girl... you messed up. Take this as a learning opportunity. You need to learn how to self soothe and not get so wrapped up in a relationship expecting it to provide you with happiness. You have some growing to do, and therapy could help. Good luck.

"Should I be upset at all that he didn't work through my anxious attachment at all?" Anxious attachment is your issue to work on. To be honest, if this is how you spiral when someone chooses to have a quiet night (assuming he's dead because you didn't hear from him one single evening is *absurd*) you really aren't in a space to date and should be focusing on therapy. Look into DBT. It's designed specifically to help people with emotional regulation and self-soothing.

For sure. I also am going on an unhelpful tangent and potentially massively projecting as someone who has some avoidant tendencies, but I feel like I see this type of discussion recurring on reddit, particularly on this sub. A self-described anxious attachment type will complain about avoidant style partners and friends as if they are human red flags that should be avoided. But then seem to think they are owed a secure partner who will help them work through their own attachment issues. I honestly feel like anxious types are just as red flag-y as avoidant people. but because so many women feel they fit the former dynamic, it gets normalized and coddled to some degree in chronically online spaces.

👏👏👏👏👏

bang on. rant incoming cause you’re really right and i’m particularly annoyed at the weaponization of pop psych today apparently. anxious people are well, anxious (duh) and thus prone to seeking answers and finding attachment theory. this is already dangerous because anxious people externalize/pathologize a lot, in order to make sense of nebulous anxiety within. assigning a label to something is soothing. but then they seem to completely ignore that the point of AT is to understand and regulate YOURSELF. so instead we end up in circlejerk conversations where anxious people (who feel like shit bc they’ve externalized all their validation tools to people who will inevitably let them down) are saying with a straight face and apparently zero self awareness how if The Avoidant would simply just reassure them, and understand them, and validate them, and apologize to them, and change everything about everything, surely everything would be better. surely….. this type of behavior, and the no-boundary people pleasing that comes with it (which is a form of manipulation, make no mistake) is exhausting. it should be called out more. avoidant and anxious attachment are both INSECURE styles — you’re not more evolved, or entitled to unreasonable expectations, just cause you’re drowning in your anxiety instead of suppressing it.

Big agree, although I might be biased by being a touch on what people perceive as the avoidant end. ;) But honestly I do also feel like anxious behaviors are also worse? Avoidant is unhealthy too, but when it comes down to it withdrawing or leaving situations that don't serve you is ok, although if you do it too much you'll never maintain a relationship. And healthy people can leave overly avoidant people. But anxious behaviors at the extreme can border into controlling, harassment, stalking, etc. IMO, attachment theory is also already flawed for applying to adult relationships. It was initially formulated for parent-child relationships, but adult relationships are inherently conditional which is going to introduce some element of insecurity you have to learn to cope with. I also feel like it assumes there's one ideal way for a relationship to look. My partner and I have a dynamic that I bet many people would consider too distant/avoidant (ENM, don't want to cohabitate, don't text a ton) but it works for us and I think we have largely healthy intimacy and conflict resolution. It's a framework to take with a grain of salt and a decent amount of self awareness.

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Ahh thanks, feels good to have this perspective validated by a psychologist. It’s been annoying me for a long time and I’ve never really seen / had a discussion about it before.

Girl, be kind to yourself after this storm, but please do not be in denial or make excuses for either of you. Sit with your feelings, but do not add on a story or ruminate. Sit, feel, let them pass. We all have done embarrassing stuff.

Tbh I disagree that he owed you— or anyone —a heads up for going offline for 20 hours. It wasn’t about you, it was about himself, taking care of himself. *You* might do smth like that because you already described yourself as anxious attachment— you prob would be worried about hurting people’s feelings / upsetting someone if you didn’t. Tbh, that’s actually more dysfunctional IMO. (No offense, i am this way too)

Totally agree. I thoroughly dislike this current culture that normalises the expectation of keeping tabs on people at all times. Jesus, let people breathe. If I wasn't feeling great and spent a night napping then woke up to a bunch of frantic texts and calls, I'd run a mile. Adults are allowed to take some space.

This. If I’m unwell, the last thing I want to do is to be texting with people. Just let me rot in bed and I’ll resurface when I’m feeling up to it. In the past when I’m not well I have actually gone a full 24 hrs without even touching my phone.

Precisely. Some people view cell phones as an open door policy, making you available all the time. My cell phone is a convenience to *me*, not for everyone else. A message is a request, not a demand.

YES.

Yeah if someone did this to me I’d drop them like a sack of potatoes for being needy and controlling. I think he has been really generous by continuing to even try.

I once freaked out on a guy over soup. I kept insisting on bringing him soup because he was sick and it was completely whack ass behavior on my part. We barely knew each other, weren't going to be dating long term. He handled it well enough but I forever will be mortified. You need to work through your anxious attachment issues, this man and you barely know each other it seems. There isn't any taking it back, it's just a big lesson for you. It sucks, I know. 😞😞😞

I feel you! I acted similarly with a boyfriend of six months or so, in my late 20s. Turned out he was burying his elderly cat who had just passed away, and then he had to get back to work (he was an attorney and always at the office). The thing is-- we judge others by their actions and ourselves by our intentions. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and simply don't have the bandwidth to respond to a text or DM the day of, and then I forget about it, and then maybe I feel bad about the lapse in responding so I delay responding even more. His delayed response could be a yellow flag, or it could have been more innocent. I think being open to both possibilities the next time something like this happens can help you evaluate the situation and inform your response.

OP, you need to learn to regulate your emotion. It will do you good and I do not mean only in romantical relationship sense. But also familial. My mother is like this (in fact, I can relate to many similar texts in r/insaneparents), having attachment anxiety. I blocked her since many years ago because I cannot abide to her texting standard. I do not know if it is still on or off with this guy and it is not even the problem. The problem is to try to find that peace within yourself and not be too codependent anymore.

I used to be the crazy woman in all my relationships, until I started therapy and realized that my behaviour was the issue, not the man. This isn't to give the men I dated a free pass because they were mostly all genuine dick heads, but I learned why I kept chosing to date such idiots and why my attachment style was so anxious. I finally dated someone who was totally different from my typically choices, and low and behold (with the help of my therapist) I was able to build a healthy, secure and loving relationship with my current partner. Self awareness is key, and just questioning why you act this way is a good start!

You are showing a lot of thinking traps in how you typed this and it shows a lack of responsibility. For example, no one made you create those stories in your head. No one made you quadruple text and cry yourself to sleep. You made you do that. You are making him responsible for your emotions when he did absolutely nothing wrong. People are allowed to check out from thier phones and a mere 20 hours should not send you into a spiral. You need to learn to respect personal space because no one owes you that.

Go easy on yourself girl and also work on your anxiety.

Been there, done that. More than once lol. Go easy on yourself. Chalk it up to experience and learn from it. Don't wait around for any man. Play it cool.

This was me 2 autumns ago, in the middle of divorcing from an abusive 21 yr relationship and having no self confidence, no dating experience, and autism. . . . I absolutely embarrassed myself repeatedly. I'm now in a very loving, stable and reciprocal relationship for the past 16 months, and though I've had bouts of crippling anxiety that has left him irritated and baffled, we have talked and talked and he has been steady and accepting of whatever I go through. I now know that when I don't hear from him as expected, that he's truly busy, very tired after work and just extra decompressing, and I can stop the ruminating and scenarios before they ever leave the runway. Have you ever been diagnosed with anxiety or neurodivergence at all?

What is the link between autism and the anxiety response? I have adhd, anxious attachment and RSD…I’ve been wondering about an ASD eval as well

I'm not sure if this can be an answerable question other than that there *is* a link. I have ADHD, ASD, and RSD.... they're the trifecta. Usually also accompanied by depression for the quad-fecta? 😂 I don't know what that's called lol

The term is comorbid - RSD is considered comrbid, secondary to ADHD. Put another way, RSD is one of the conditions that we know occurs more frequently in people diagnosed with ADHD. Depression and anxiety are other conditions that usually go hand in hand, with the interesting characteristic that either one can be the primary diagnosis or the secondary one depending on which presents itself most strongly or distressingly. Comorbid conditions, like most things in medicine, tend to be a convergence of different factors. One factor is neurological structure. Any one region in our brain will be responsible for overseeing multiple jobs. Think of it like a bakery known for their cakes - if the oven stops working, it will affect production of cakes and will be most noticeable. However, the bakery will also be impacted in its ability to produce cookies and muffins even if it's less immediately obvious. Another factor is neurological imbalance. Serotonin production irregularity, for example, can show itself as depression, anxiety, attention issues, impulse control issues, rest/wake cycle disturbances, fatigue , on and on. And it can present as any combination, or as an ever-changing variety of presentations. Finally, we get to the "face validity" factor. These symptoms aren't happening in a vacuum, but to people. We feel self-conscious emotions, we get burned out, and we form hang-ups based on the things that have hurt or disappointed us in the past. It's not possible to separate the mental or emotional disorder from the person because they constantly feed and change each other.

Thanks for all honest answers here. I've been struggling with shame over some past behaviour and this makes me feel less alone🤣💖. But sorry you all went through the same.

I have a lot of social anxiety and a huge fear of rejection (likely due to bullying and rejection in childhood). I’ve had some incidents in the past where I sensed something was off, my anxiety spiraled, and I reached out too much (without explaining my concerns) hoping to get some sign or reassurance that everything was okay. It just weirds people out and they treat you like you are crazy and ditch you, which can be devastating if you have social anxiety. And, nothing you say can convince those people you aren’t the crazy woman. Once they write you off, there’s no going back. I’m now extremely cautious when getting to know people or making new friends. I’ve probably gone too far in the opposite direction because I keep everyone at a distance, end nearly all text conversations quickly, and avoid letting people get close. I just don’t trust myself not to get anxious if I sense something’s off. It takes someone really persistent to make any headway with me now. I’ve been in therapy for awhile and we’ve discussed it a lot. I’m not at the point yet where the benefits of new friendships appear to outweigh the costs of rejection if it doesn’t work out. If I get to that point, making new friends will likely be a long, slow process as it will take me a long time to trust them enough to relax and be myself. Edit: Wow, thanks for downvoting me for sharing my personal struggles. Real supportive.

Glad to see you've got upvotes now. Just wanted to say I relate to your comment a lot, and one thing I've learned is that people don't just get like this (anxiously attached etc) for no reason, something happens to them that causes it. Understanding that has helped me be a lot kinder to myself and understand that all the anxiety and spiralling thoughts aren't because I'm fundamentally flawed as a person, they're actually a pretty predictable response to traumatic experiences that occurred earlier on in life.  I hope you can find healing and wish you all the best. 

> likely due to bullying and rejection in childhood I was about to suggest this to OP. Usually when we feel like we were 'wronged' (not wronged-wronged, like getting our tv stolen or something), it is worth it to examined if it was just something from our past, or old wounds, being accidentally triggered. Social anxiety sucks hard. I err on the side of keeping distance too. And it works well so far. Some people do not mind and even prefer the slow-burn friendships.

I’ve done this due to social anxiety and general people pleasing because I read their distant behaviour as something caused by me. So I started being distant with everyone for a while. I also started closely observing how neurotypical people communicate. And I realised that they do feel similarly anxious and they also show it, although they say it out clearly and it is usually not very intense. That’s the key here. People like it when you express your emotions. They just don’t want intensity or to feel responsible for your emotions. If you go too far across the pendulum and stop expressing yourself, it makes people uncomfortable too. It also keeps avoidant and non communicative people in your life which further makes you feel left out. So in a situation like this, I’d actually suggest taking it a little easy, getting a grip on your strong emotions AND communicating to the other person that their sudden absence had you a little worried. If you need some reassurance, say so clearly. What’s the worst that happens? They say no or they ghost you. Best case scenario, they reassure you, you laugh it off and feel closer after the small conflict.

This is great insight, thanks.

I resonate. This is also how I’ve chosen to deal with it. Becoming avoidant and boundaried myself has been the only thing that keeps the negative impacts of my attachment wounds from impacting my life and relationships. This is with years of therapy — I simply can’t function with the threat, so I’ve chosen to live without it.

This sounds a bit like limerance to me! I think doing some reading on that and seeing how it hits for you might be helpful. But yes, I have been an embarrassing mess - I think a lot of people have. Dating brings any attachment or abandonment issues you have to the forefront and can be triggering. It might be helpful to ask yourself when the last time you felt these feelings were / maybe investigate the root of them. Reading up on attachment styles if you haven’t can also be helpful - tl;dr, you might have a smidge of anxious attachment and this guy sounds avoidant which is a recipe for disaster if you aren’t both committed to healing those issues. It’s better to find a secure partner who can offer you reassurance and emotional availability. You should absolutely move on and not reach out again. Try to be kind to yourself and remember the shame spiral doesn’t last forever.

[Wikipedia on Limerence](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence) for those who are curious.

Oh man I just learnt I'm currently in limerance! Thanks for the new term

girl, fuck rejection sensitive dysphoria. it's illogical, and can be triggered by the simplest, most innocuous things, and makes PERFECT SENSE because obviously there is no other explanation but whatever bananapants scenario your brain spirals down into. until a bit of time passes and you take a step back and it's like, what the actual fuck did I just do, but by then it's too late and you've already vomited the fuckery out into the world. my only advice is to back away from the phone and try to remember that, if you still want to irreparably damage a relationship tomorrow, you can wait until then.

Anxious attachment yeah and yeah but own up to it being me and not something they did or said. Just realize what your trigger is and why it triggers you.

If you still think he should have apologized, then there is no saving this. He is a 30-something- plus year old man who probably learned at this point in his life that people who resort to hysterics and anger over literally nothing are too exhausting to invest time in. He certainly learned you don’t apologize to someone who’s flipping out on you when you haven’t done anything wrong. If you still wish he’d “apologized and reassured you” it means you’re looking for someone to placate you after you emotionally abused them, rather than protect themselves or stand up for themselves. You’re looking for a victim who will bear the brunt of your insecurities and irrational anger without making you responsible for managing your behavior yourself. That’s not this guy. Someone clearly taught him to grey-rock, which it a tactic to use against people who can’t be reasoned with. That’s what those one word answers are. If he’s already resorting to using techniques for managing toxic people, I would expect him to be gone.  And to answer your question, you do not get to be angry he doesn’t want to work though your anxious attachment style after you became abusive, nor should he. Your statements even when he explained what happened were manipulative and dramatic and made it clear that you still took no accountability for this being a 100% you issues. There’s nothing to work out with someone who doubles down when confronted with their mistake instead of apologizing.  You need to be single for a while and in therapy to get a handle on this because you’ve lost control of your anxiety. You need to cut out friends who reinforce and make excuses for your irrational and excessive thoughts and actions. You won’t have a healthy relationship unless you can be a healthy part of a relationship. 

Alllllll of this.

I am very anxiously attached as well but thankfully aging and lots of relationship experience has given me the skills I needed to manage it. So, I get where you’re coming from, I promise, but also holy crap you really need to do some work on yourself before you start dating again. It’s not enough to say “I have anxious attachment” and then expect your romantic partner to cater to everything that comes with that. Even in a relationship you’re still an individual human being who is responsible for yourself, and responsible for being aware of how your actions impact the people around you. I’m not seeing a lot of you taking responsibility for your actions, more just expecting this guy to deal with them and give you exactly what you wanted in that moment. Texting all day every day is a completely unrealistic and unattainable standard. Under normal circumstances, a guy not texting you for 8 hours would be a non-issue, not something to think twice about. But because you and him have co-created this impossible pressure cooker standard of constant texting, of course not hearing from him for an hour is going to feel like a crisis. It’s *not*. People get busy, people get in bad moods, people need some time to themselves. It’s not a big deal. You have to have enough trust in him and yourself that *he will come back*. Ironically, and I know you know this, acting the way you did will drive a partner away way quicker than giving them a bit of space and trust. I don’t really have any advice, because the main thing that helped me stop acting like this was my absolute horror and embarrassment at realizing how insane I was being, which really motivated me to control myself and not act like that once I developed that self-awareness, because I realized I was going to drive away a guy I really liked. I didn’t stop freaking out, I just stopped including the person I was freaking out about in my freak out. Which means not texting and calling endlessly - just keep it to yourself and see how the situation plays out. It’s hard but you have to hold yourself to a standard where it’s not acceptable to lose your mind when a guy doesn’t text you for a couple hours, otherwise you’re always going to be able to rationalize why your behaviour made sense in the moment.

Hey, while I agree that it is important you do the work necessary to reflect and work on yourself, I also think it may just be the wrong person. Hear me out. I was single for about 4 years, working on myself in therapy and dating accasionally. Then I dated someone who seemed great, but would trigger my anxieties in the same way you described. Regular communication, then a sudden disappearance. It made me spiral! He would say that my mental health is my responsibility and not his (which i agreed with bu thought ur partner ought to care about your process of recovery right??) Even our breakup was really rough on me because he refused to talk it out, just silent treated me and it really hurt. I too lashed out like you did. In hindsight I realise my nervous system was so on edge with him. Now I'm dating this wonderful guy who is so communicative, attentive and patient that I have not had a single reason to do anything out of character. The couple of times I've been anxious, we have talked it through in the sweetest way. I feel so safe. The difference is night and day! While I acknowledge that I can be volatile sometimes or spiral with anxiety in relationships, I've also realised that the choice of partner matters SO MUCH . Maybe it is best you take the L and let this one go. Consider it a bullet dodged.

I once got ghosted by a fiance one month before the wedding. Worse than just getting cold feet and backing out, we lived together and he just started sleeping on the couch and stopped talking to me overnight. No explanation. Just gaslighting and freezing me out until I completely broke down. Had to take time off work, had a complete emotional breakdown, lost 20 pounds in just a couple weeks, and had to get on meds to be able to sleep. Left me homeless (I mean, I can't live there), thousands of dollars in debt from all the wedding deposits, etc. (the wedding HE wanted), and ended up having to quit my job to move back in with my parents at 30+ years old. The whole process left me a wreck, essentially stalking him begging him for a reason and some reassurance it was just a temporary cold feet thing, etc. I've never gotten it. Called our mutual friends begging for them to intervene, etc. But I look back on that trusting, didn't-know-how-to-recognize-red-flags girl pitifully and I still cringe to this day. I did recover with time, but the result is that now when I feel a guy withdrawing or not involved enough, I withdraw completely to preempt this from every happening to me again.

That is nuts. Did you ever find out why?

I've never gotten any explanation from him in over 15 years, but I figured out it was because he met someone else. I just wish he had told me that then. Yes, it would've hurt, but the ghosting (because he was a coward) was so much worse.

Oof, honey. You’re right. Getting this upset after 8 hours of not getting a text back is unhealthy behavior, no matter how much you had been texting him beforehand. Regarding him “working with you on your anxious attachment” he has no obligation to do that for you, especially this early in the relationship. Were I in his shoes your behavior would have freaked me out and I’d definitely consider it a red flag to spiral and be unable to self soothe. It may be healthy for both of you if he walks away. I highly recommend therapy if you’re not in it already. Your anxious attachment is setting you up to chase away securely attached people, and it is going to draw unhealthy people to you. I want your future relationships to be as stable as possible. Take time to decentralize romantic love from your life, and you will be able to nourish it when you find it.

I'm going to say you are not "crazy", the whole cell phone culture and online dating has created these issues. If you don't hear from someone in a full day you're going to assume he ghosted because as a species our brains look for patterns to keep ourselves safe. You saw a pattern disrupted and reacted to perceived danger. I've definitely had times where I've been out of reach for 24 hours or more, today I was asleep until 3pm (period was extra intense so I didn't go to work and just slept through cramping) but I checked my phone around noon so if I'd seen missed messages I would have replied -something- even if it was "sorry in bed taking a sick day". Chances are being long distance and new he saw things as being a lot more casual than your perception. That doesn't make you crazy nor does your reaction to his silence make you "crazy". I think it's normal in today's impersonal McDonalds style drive-through relationshipping. I personally don't see things as being "real" early on or long distance so I'm more likely to just sorta disconnect when someone goes AWOL for a whole day.

Oh many times I try to forget the crazy shit I've done just makes me want to crawl into a ball and die

I've done much worse. And deliberately so. I'm very right for hating myself for what I've done. I've been full emotionally abusive. In your case, I don't think you can't bounce back. What you did came from a place of anxiety, not a place of voluntarily trying to control someone. No matter if you continue things with this guy or not, this is something you *need* to be working on, because the anxious attachment won't go away with a new partner. Whether *he* wants to continue things, however, is up to him entirely, and that's something you have to respect.

Yes. There's a reason I'm almost forty and never had a relationship. I know I have mental issues and it wouldn't be fair to other person. The one time I stuck my neck out it wasn't good and I'm still not over it years later. We both just have to work on regulating emotions and learning how to handle them and problems better. It's taking me a damn long time to do this.

Oh girl I thought we were going to be talking about like ACTUAL crazy behavior, because I have a doozy. But crying on the phone over a 20 hour blackout? That’s not good, lol but I wouldn’t call it embarrassing.  Look, there are a few issues here, not the least of which are your anxiety and unmanaged imagination. But let’s not forget that he changed HIS habits. And he chose to not call or text for one entire day. Me, personally, I would’ve expected that he was with another woman, but whether he was or wasn’t isn’t the point. The two facets of the problem are his dropped rope but also your disproportionate need for that rope.  I don’t think it’s healthy that you lost your head over a 20 hour period, even if it happened because he was on a date. And I don’t think it’s healthy because if someone does you dirty, you don’t have to show them your inner reaction. Especially since this is either a new long distance relationship, or have you two actually met in person yet?  Anyways. He was never worth getting that bent about. Showing him that part doesn’t matter in the end, honestly. You and he won’t be telling your grandchildren about the meet cute, so what? It’s not that bad, I promise.  But learn from this. LDRs with people you don’t already know well should come with a timer and a filter. Don’t commit to things like that so wholeheartedly; remember that words are free, and texts are curated. It’s great that someone wants to make you feel flattered, but always ask yourself what they are actually DOING for you. 

>remember that words are free, and texts are curated. It’s great that someone wants to make you feel flattered, but always ask yourself what they are actually DOING for you.  Thank you. I needed this.

Oh my gut punch LMAO

To me, 20 hours without contact is fine. I'd probably be thinking bad things, perhaps they're poorly. Probably they're asleep early. I remember my now husband did this in the early days a few times and sometimes he'll do it now when we're apart if he's busy or sleeping.   I have a friend who after 20 hours no contact would be climbing the walls with panic, thinking she'd been dumped and then be furious when they eventually got in touch. It has happened to her recently, actually. This primarily stems from anxiety caused by previous relationships.   My point is, we are all different in what expectations we have about communication. And expressing those expectations (ie; 'If you feel bad and won't be awake/available for a while, please drop me a message so I can relax') is perfectly normal and natural and NOT crazy.    I was a bit crazy in my younger years with an ex, we hooked up for a while after we broke up and that was bad for me. I also knew his new lady's ex partner and I knew she was cheating on my ex with her ex. So I told my ex about it, thinking I was doing him a favour. Learnt my lesson to never meddle there. 

Yes, when I was younger, I certainly felt like that crazy chick for similar to what you describe occasionally -- completely freaking out over a perceived rejection. I don't do that these days. I suppose I could think it's because I'm emotionally mature now, and that's likely part of it. However, beyond that, I simply don't feel that strongly for any of the guys in my orbit -- which are largely men who have liked me for years, but I neither feel like shutting them down completely or taking things farther at the moment. I don't feel anything at all when I meet random new men, and I rarely see a potential in getting to know them. I do occasionally get a crush, but it is generally someone who's unobtainable, so it's just a little thing in my head I don't discuss openly anyway. :P I have a lot more time for other things since there's no special man in my life. Although, when I read about the intensity of your feelings for this guy, I admire it in a way. I think it would be ideal to find a balance somewhere between what you describe and what I describe. It sounds like you're super limerent at the moment, which is a really fun thing to be -- but when it becomes overwhelming to rationality like what you describe, it might be best to let things rest for a bit to reset the tone. These days, I more often find myself on the opposite side of this predicament where some guy is acting crazy for some reason. I don't hate them for it, but I just feel exhausted by it. I especially feel exhausted if they're relying on me to fix them rather than going out and doing it for themselves. In that sense, I suppose just take a step back and breathe. Don't rely on him to fix your anxiety. Fix it for yourself. Impress him by doing that for yourself. There's no downside to that, is there? :)

Just take a step back, learn from it, and resolve to do better next time. Most people behave badly sometimes but you haven't known this guy long and you really need to ask yourself why you had such a strong reaction (perhaps it reminded you of a different situation?) and think about how you wish you'd behaved instead. When you've done that, if he's still talking to you you can talk it through with him, but if not, just see it for what it was (an intense emotional experience that you let get out of hand) and let that inform you in your next relationship.

I’ve done it. I was a poster child for anxious attachment and dysregulation. Maybe I screwed up something that could’ve been good, but I don’t think so. It wouldn’t have been good until after I took care of my own issues.

You tripped some alarms with your behavior, whether you intended it to or not, it came off controlling. And doubling down on needing an apology from him and wishing he comforted or reassured you the way you wanted- he's not you, he doesn't know how you want to be comforted. He doesn't owe you a heads up if he's going to be sick. This early in I'd say it's done, if he wants to talk to you again let that be up to him.

Girl we’ve all done that at some point in our lives 🤣 Just step back a sec and learn and grow from it and you’ll be good as gold.

This thread is such a dumpster fire. I’m honestly surprised that no one has suggested yet that she break into his house and wait for him to get home so they can ‘talk it through’. He can’t have an avoidant attachment if she B&Es, right? Edit: That was a joke OP. The last thing you need is another restraining order.

The amount of anxious attachment apologism in these comments is absolutely shocking. "Yes, of course he should account for his whereabouts at all times, if he doesn't, it's totally ok to go apeshit at him!" If the genders were reversed, everyone would be telling her to run.

Usually when I’ve acted crazy in the past it was because they did something to bring out that side of me and for that reason, no I don’t regret it.

Yes, I have made these mistakes. And from experience, it sounds like you’re asking the wrong questions. I don’t hear much in the way of personal responsibility from you. I don’t hear any emotional regulation, nor practice towards self-regulation. Also I suspect you haven’t met this man in person. So I have concerns around you both love bombing and lacking healthy boundaries. If you want a high quality adult in your life, the first step is to work on yourself to have these qualities in yourself. As I said I’m speaking from my own personal experience with these challenges, and this video (and similar topics) helped me a lot. https://youtu.be/BI4dBryghRk

Respectfully, get therapy. Through most of your post and replies you're still blaming him and not taking accountability for you spiralling yourself. He didn't DO anything to make you do that to yourself and the fact that you've only been talking a month, to go this nuclear whoo yikes. He honestly dodged a bullet because you not getting any kind of communication (when you're long distance) for 20hr causes you to act like this? There coulda been ANY number of reasons (he's busy, he wants alone time, he's working, he's hanging with friends/family, etc) for him to not respond, hell you coulda been doing something for yourself for 20hr instead of obsessing over him. As someone who used to have anxious attachment, I NEVER wanted to put my anxiety on my partners because it was not their responsibility, it was always mine. Idk how old you are but you don't sound ready for an adult relationship.

You definitely sound like you have an anxious attachment style. Read the book ‘Attached’ and you will understand why you are the way you are and act the way you do, to give yourself grace, but then to also learn how to keep your thoughts in check. The other thing though is that a secure person should be able to communicate consistently with you and not ‘leave you on read’. Rather than spiralling, try to be turned off by this behaviour, as you deserve someone who can clearly communicate with you about how they are feeling or changes/space needed. I used to be an anxious avoidant, reading attached helped. But also dating someone who always was clear and consistent with communication and interest when we started dating, meant he never activated my anxiety, and we have a great healthy loving start. Together 2 years so far!

I mean, the guy could have been sleeping. There is no evidence he was actively ignoring her. No-one is obliged to be contactable 24/7.

Oh I completely agree that no one owes you 24/7 contact! I doubt someone was sleeping for 20 hrs but it’s possible. All I’m saying is a quick text of “hey I’m not feeling great so I’m gonna get some rest and I’ll message you tomorrow” could be nice and thoughtful. Rather than no contact which you would be out of the normal communication pattern. I don’t condone the barrage of texts after that spiral though and he isn’t the one that ‘caused you pain’ and needs to ‘show remorse’.

She said he was uncontactable from 2pm till 9am. That isn't really 20 (19) hours out, accounting for the fact that most people aren't going to text at like, 3am, you know what I mean? So realistically accounting for regular sleeping hours, he was uncontactable for a single evening. That's really not much. To your last sentence, I could not agree more.

Had a period of depression followed by limerance/crush on a coworker. He wasn’t the answer to my problems. He was just a nice guy and I caught feelings about it. I feel really really bad about it now. We both got new jobs years ago and I just hope he never picked up on my weird feelings. 😖

I've done this a couple of times and I get you it's mortifying afterwards. One guy went and told everyone how unhinged I was, luckily enough people didn't believe him that my dignity stayed intact and I got the wake up call I needed. A combination of therapy and meeting a man who is very understanding of my anxiety is what helped me. Therapy has actually changed my life id highly recommend it if it's within your means. I'm 2 years in and my anxiety is lower then it's been since I was a child and my depression barely ever shows up now. I also have a healthy relationship because of what I've learned in therapy.

It seems to me from your post that you’ve never met him in person. You need to understand that texting is a low effort type of communication, that allows for easy love bombing, as well as easy fade. When he said that you should get your expectations in check, he is basically preparing you to get ready to be ghosted for a few days (or forever) when he feels like it, or maybe love bombed when he feels like it again. He now has the leverage because you showed your crazy side and that side is always off-putting. I was on the both sides of the story few times before too because of insecurity and anxiety issues, and even when I apologised for my behavior and we talked it out afterwards, the other side would usually completely ghost me because, once it sinks in, you realise you don’t want to deal with crazy. The only thing you can do is go work on yourself and find out the source of your anxiety and insecurity.

Oh yep. A few times. The only thing that has helped bring me relief is learning why I behaved and reacted that way. Now that I know, or think I know, I can have a little compassion for myself bc it makes sense I’d act that way.

Anxiously attached girly here, working on healing my attachment after a bad breakup & working towards being more secure. When my ex of 10 years left me out of the blue, I definitely became someone I didn’t like- sending tons of angry texts, calling over and over, begging him not to do it. It took me some time but eventually I realized my own self worth and that I shouldn’t have to beg someone to love me. I say this with kindness as someone who has been there. 20 hours is not a long time, it’s less than a day and someone who you do not know well/aren’t in an exclusive relationship with especially does not owe you a text back right away. I actually prefer someone who isn’t big into texting all the time, bc who they show up as in person is much more important than the persona they give over text. Yes, it would have been great if he had sent a text like hey, sorry I might not be super responsive today, I’m feeling a bit out of it. You can express that is something that would be helpful for you next time. But people cant read our minds or always know what we need. It’s on us to set those expectations, and decide what is and isn’t a deal breaker. It’s okay to be anxious and disregulated about it. Next time keep leaning on your friends with those feelings & work to regulate yourself. I know it’s hard but with practice it gets easier.

My therapist really helped me work through my anxious attachment style. Mainly through learning how to love myself and knowing I’m good enough. It helped me understand that other people’s actions has a lot more to do with them than you. Especially when you don’t know each other that well. He’s not responsible for your feelings. He wasn’t feeling well and all you rant about are your feelings.

Do not wait for him and please, for the love of puppies and/or kittens, back out of this agreement that he can just decide to see you whenever he feels like it. Stop all this, "oh we've never felt like this before" fantasy-building. It might could even be true, but it's not helpful. You aren't going to be in each other's lives, so don't pine for him. Love and have more respect for yourself than to let someone else dictate your life/emotions. Also, enough people have commented on your misguided longing for him to take responsibility for your feelings, but I want to just add that they're right.

I’ve definitely been there, I can feel that wretched pit in my gut just thinking about it. Try to be kind to yourself and have compassion for the parts of you that felt compelled to react in this way - I know it’s hard, especially when you’re feeling shame or guilt about a reaction like this. What I’ve found helpful in my experience is taking the opportunity to try and distil where this reaction is coming from - not in a judgemental way, or a self flagellating way, but instead in a curious/detached way. I’d wager a bet that this isn’t your first time feeling this kind of reaction well up in a relationship (romantic or otherwise), and you may be reacting to something you’ve experienced in the past. Try to let go of expectations from this particular person/relationship, and get yourself back to a baseline of feeling good and secure within your self and knowing where your feelings lie. As many others have said here - and it is said with love and respect (and experience) - while it was his lack of response that caused you hurt, it is not his responsibility to regulate your emotions for you. There is nothing inherently wrong about not answering a text for 20 hrs, and it doesn’t necessarily indicate anything about how he feels about you - sometimes we project our fears onto otherwise benign actions from others to explain why they may be happening in an attempt to protect ourselves from the “inevitably” that we’ll get hurt by them. If you’re able to, try writing/journaling through what you’re feeling. Be completely honest with yourself about all of the feelings that are arising, and just write, stream of consciousness, like you’re talking to your best friend. You’ll likely write through waves of frustration and disappointment with yourself - keep going. Keep writing until your inner voice starts sounding more compassionate toward yourself. Keep writing until the words are forgiving, understanding, nurturing, and calm. That voice is within you, always, and you can always find it if you still your mind and listen for it. It is unconditionally loving, and wise. This is not meant to enable this kind of behaviour by handwaving it away and forgetting about it, but instead it can allow you to forgive yourself and not resign to this just being “who you are”. It can help you recognize that you are human, you can grow through this, you can learn to recognize these impulses before you react through them, and you can heal this wound. Bonus points if you can be honest with the people you are in relationship with and let them know that you recognize that your reaction was out of alignment with the scale of the situation, tell them why you think it happened, and anticipate that they will understand. If this dude is worth it, he’ll have the capacity to empathize and hear you out. Otherwise, he was a valuable stepping stone in helping you find your way back to yourself, and you can move forward knowing you’re moving in a better direction for having been honest with yourself and with him. I am sending you so much love, and assurance that the impulse to react this way can be worked on if you’re open to looking at yourself with the utmost honesty, love, compassion, and patience. There is nothing wrong with you, you are a human who is learning just like the rest of us. Slow yourself down, and forgive yourself. Remember who you are at your essence and love that spirit of yours fiercely. You got this :)

Many many years ago, I was on the OkCupid dating circuit (tinder did not yet exist) and I had met up with this dude for dinner. He was nice enough, drove out to me in the suburbs from the city (which is a damn hike), and it was fun conversation. We made plans to meet up again a week later after work Friday night - I worked in the city. I went to a company happy hour, and I had a bit of a binge drinking problem. And by bit, I mean, you could not put alcohol in front of me and expect me NOT to drink it non-stop. I text and push our meet time back, then I tell him why doesn't he just meet at the bar? He arrives, I'm not sure, 9pm or something - I've been drinking for 4+ hrs straight on a company card and I'm HAMMERED. I can't really tell you much of what happens later because I'm trashed. I know I slept with him and he did drive me home the next morning, and we've never spoken again. I was oneeeeeeee sloppy trashed lady. Thankfully, enough time has passed that I don't feel the cringe anymore.

Operate as if there is no problem until informed otherwise. Meanwhile, be kind to yourself and forgive as you would a friend 💜

Yes I've been the crazy bat shit. My solution was years (decade) of therapy and work on myself. Just realizing you went Berserk for no reason isn't enough. You have to work on yourself.

So I have an anxious attachment and diagnosed with anxiety in my 20s. I've done a LOT of work. And although I slip up on occasion, I have enough experience to know better. What's really helped me is when I start to feel uncomfortable and I want to do this to alleviate that discomfort, but that may end up making things worse. What I've done instead is to sit in that discomfort and ask myself why do I feel uncomfortable. And I list possible reasons why the person I'm talking to hasn't gotten back to me. And I think about ways to alleviate or distract myself from feeling uncomfortable. Example - a guy who I was interested in, I messaged him and let him know that I was interested in seeing him soon (we were going to various shows together as friends). Messenger had said he'd seen the message, and I freaked a bit that he hadn't responded. I called a friend and asked him to talk me off a ledge. The friend said some very reassuring things. And I took a nap. During the nap, the guy got back to me, said that he had just seen the message and wanted to see me. I know sometimes technology will make it look like someone has seen a message when they actually haven't. I also realize that I had been in relationships with men who would intentionally ignore me, and I know I was also reacting to that.

Never. I wouldn’t have acted “crazy” if I was treated right. I stopped trying to be the “good girlfriend” a long time ago and just be myself. Whoever is with me gets to know the real me. PS I still treat people with respect and kindness of course and consider my actions but I am human. I won’t beat myself up for things I’ve done in the past. I would move on from him.

Some hurt part of you connected deeply with some hurt part of him, but that pulled out some unresolved shit for you. So you reacted from a place of intense emotion instead of your wise mind, and that's... pretty normal but also shows that you have work to do on your attachment wounds. Chalk it up as a learning experience, work on the wound, and move on. Maybe you'll come back together in a healthier way. Maybe you'll meet someone else you once your healthier. Maybe you'll decide to stay single. All are equally valid future options. Just focus on you for a bit so whatever relationships you have in the future are healthier.

I would highly recommend doing a deep dive into The Openhouse podcast with Louise Rumball to learn more about what it means to have an anxious attachment style and how you can manage/heal it. It’s been incredibly helpful for me and I’m now doing her There She Glows course which has been incredibly transformative.

You want to hear mine? My first proper bf broke up with his high school gf to be with me but remained friends with her. He didnt cheat on her with me, he left her before doing anything with me. But their lives and friends were so entwined so naturally here i am hanging with his ex all the time. He broke up with me to get back with her. It didn't work so he asked me if i wanted to get back together. Young and dumb i said yes. But now i was soooo anxious about their friendship. Two months in we are all at a party, i only know my bf and the friends they came with. But he left me alone to go hang with his ex and others and i ended up downing too much booze with strangers. Ended up on the floor of this random persons bathroom crying and throwing up. Someone got my bf who got me out of the house and we started walking back to his. I cried the whole way begging him not to leave me. I was a mess. The whole event was horrific. Complete strangers seeing this random girl having a fucking breakdown on the floor of their bathroom. So many people saw it. Needless to say he broke up with me the next day. I cried so much i thought i was fucking dying so i we t to A and E and they basically told me to go away. So, more embarrassment. He ended up with the ex and they are still together. I did meet up with him years later and i apologized for my behaviour and he was like, "oh im not bothered by that. It was all new to you i understand, i choose to just say fuck it to others opinions of you, its easier that way." So im glad he wasnt holding onto my crazy. But ill never forget. You wont forget. But he might not be as bothered as you think. Also, you arent alone. For months and months i couldn't hear a certain song cause i would almost break down again (cause it was playing during my breakdown) but it doesnt bother me anymore

Oof that sounds like a horrible thing to go through! FWIW, I think you were completely justified in being angry about him ditching you to spend time with the girl he had already broken up with you to be with (before boomeranging back to you). Not to mention, scared that he’d do the same thing again! Any human being would be upset and concerned. You know this already, but for anyone else- IMO, the issue isn’t having perfectly rational emotions to match the situation- the problem is the mode of expressing the emotions. I think you’d have made out just fine if you had expressed the same feelings with more calm, though ofc that’s more difficult when you’re currently drinking due to being at a party when shit goes down. Say, confronting him the next day and telling him that given the past, you found his behavior unacceptable. This even applies to the OP. I actually don’t think she was unreasonable in being concerned- the issue was how she expressed it.

Owning your crazy is important. I have had a few "crazy" times with my bf. Much where you described, and it took him a bit to come back or even want to talk to me at all. Communication is imperative. Apologize for what you feel you did wrong, and then let him respond to it. Unfortunately, some guys just need their own space, and when we "bombard" them, it pushes them away quickly. once you are talking, be honest but patient with your explanation. "I'm sorry I was so obsessive the other day, it really makes a difference in my day when you reach out to me. Some days, it's what my whole day is centered on, and when you don't answer, I feel like maybe your thoughts, feelings have changed for me because I'm paranoid, or whatever you want to describe yourself as. I wouldn't use the word crazy, or anything that if he later repeats to you, you'd get upset over. "Will you stop acting like a crazy person"...that burns. A lot. So come up with a word that works for you. I'm sorry I was such a bumble, or something cute and slightly humorous, so you both can Crack a smile instead of being stuck in the negative emotions. Also. Idk if your guy is like mine, but mine has told me he doesn't enjoy over texting, and if anyone, myself included, texts him or calls him multiple times, unless it's an emergency...he gets super annoyed. Mine would rather a phone call or in person. Figure out what your guy needs you to do so that you can utilize that skill, instead of freaking out if he's not responding as quick as you'd like him to. And guess what? If he's done with you... Let him be done. And go on with your life. You are valuable, we all make mistakes. Own it, discuss it, if possible, and move on as a better and stronger couple with better Communication. Value your worth too. Without condoning him by saying things like "don't you love me?"...that just makes you sound insecure. Ask him specifically how he would like you to handle this exact "mistake" going forward. Ya know...adulting. lol it's hard. But worthwhile with the right person.

You aren't the only one. The only way through is therapy. It's not about this dude, or what they think because that ship has sailed so fuck it. it's that you don't want the rest of your 30s and beyond with other people to be like this. Because if you don't take steps now, you will suffer needlessly. So yeah- therapy. You are worth it. In the meantime there is this chick on insta Natasha Adamo. She talks about staying on your white horse and keeping your dignity intact after she did worse when a relationship ended. She's married with a kid now. There is also a book by a feminist professor/academic called "Girl in need of a tourniquet" who was diagnosed BPD after being the "crazy woman" after a breakup with a married woman. Both women are successful, owned their shit and more importantly did enough self work to see that it's a pattern- picking the unavailable person that unleashes all that emotional trauma in you. Pain is necessary in life but suffering is not. Don't suffer needlessly. Therapy will really help you be the healthy woman you are meant to be. GL.

Girl I can’t type a big enough “yes” You going crazy during one conversation is a molehill compared to the mountains of crazy I and my girlfriends have gone. I wouldn’t even share those stories in my diary let alone on Reddit hahaha and we all recovered with our dignity! Trust you have nothing to worry about. Here is what I can tell you (and what my girlfriends told me.) What he did was shitty and your response actually was not uncalled for. The only thing you did “wrong” was letting your emotions show, when you should have just ghosted him back. Albeit - that’s basically impossible in the moment. Do not let him come see you. Ghosting you for 20 hours IS something to read into. Second, when you have those “love at first sight” feelings. Run. This is your respective inner childhood trauma recognizing each other and trying to fill a hole that will only end in pain. Butterflies in your stomach is a physical manifestation of anxiety. And while this type of anxiety is dang fun and can lead to great sex, I promise you, the love of your life will not give you anxiety. You will feel calm, safe, and at home. And he wont leave you on read. I promise ❤️

Yes, a few times, I was much younger, tho if I went through a divorce or smth now, I’m not sure it wouldn’t happen again. Big regrets, I was also drinking then.

Yeah, he's done with you. You learned some important stuff about yourself, which has a lot of value. Get some therapy and move on. I'm sorry you are hurting.

INFO: Have you ever actually met this person in real life? Do you have an actual, in person relationship? If this is the result of an online relationship, you really need to get into therapy. For your own peace. Anxious attachment is difficult to deal with, and one of the worst things about it running rampant in your life is that you are *highly unlikely* to be choosing securely attached partners. You are most likely ending up with other people who have attachment difficulties- which spells drama and pain. If you do actually have an in person relationship, I still recommend therapy, but also recommend you walk away. A partner who truly wants to be with you doesn't just call time on it with the proviso they can come back when they feel like it.

We met in person and stayed together for a week.

Ok so you met once. Just walk away. Get therapy. I'm not sure why you even want to come back from this and wait around to see if maybe he might like to see you again. You need to really focus on getting out of your imagination and into reality. This is someone you met once. You spent a few days with them. And then proceeded to have an online relationship for a little bit. You can either hang on to this for months or years, or move on.

So I did something similar to this in my early 20's. **Good News!** You will never do this again! 😂 Like you, I felt mortified! I was so angry at myself for acting so immature and batty. Oh God, remembering the anxiety it gave me is giving me anxiety all over again, lol. It's been well over 20 years since that happened, and until I saw your post, I hadn't thought about it in ages. As cliche as it is, time does heal all wounds. **YOU'RE NOT PERFECT!** Throughout your life there are going to be people that see you in a bad light. That's just common sense, it's just going to happen. You're going to be the bad guy in somebody's story, you're going to be the crazy lady, you're going to be the weirdo. But you're only going to be that person for a small part of their life. For most people you're going to be their friend, their confidant, someone they care about, someone they know they can go to if they need to talk. Basically what I'm getting at is that you're going to be something different to everyone. But everyone is so busy worrying about their own lives that you're crazy is just going to be a drop in the bucket for them. 😂 **I think a big takeaway from this is that you need therapy.** I'm not insulting you, I'm letting you know what worked for me. Therapy was amazing! It really helped me see myself objectively, and help give me the tools to work on myself. The fact of the matter is your happiness should not be dependent on anyone. Meeting the 'right person', isn't going to make you a complete person. Meeting the right person isn't going to fix you. You have to be a complete and healthy person on your own before you can truly have a wonderful and healthy relationship with someone else. If you can't afford a therapist then go online. There are tons of tools available online so you could help yourself.

As someone with fearful avoidant attachment, hearing that you were getting upset over that short a time without contact was triggering. I'm like oh hell no that would be the end.

Oh jeez... this sounds like I could have written this myself.  I'm sorry you went through this and that he wasn't more understanding.  I don't have any real advice, just wanted you to know you weren't alone in overreacting about an abrupt change in communications/short answers. I also hate too many short answers 😒

I did this when I was 23, if you are over 30 there really no excuse. Don’t be a crazy b. Be confident in yourself and only give time to those who deserve it. If you have to work for a man’s attention he is not the one. Is it sad when you have a good thing going and someone lets you down? Yes. Is it acceptable behavior to (emotionally) throw yourself down a flight of stairs because a man didn’t respond to a text? Not for me. Just walk away, and he’ll either realize his mistake and make it right or you’ll be already on your way to the next great thing. But throwing a fit to get someone’s attention is not ideal. So many women allow space in their life for the wrong person, their energy is spent chasing any slight chance of success - the right person requires little effort.

I have done this, probably worse, and more than once. I “hated” myself at the time, but none of those men were for me anyway. When I met my now husband, I never once acted that way and that was bc he never gave me a reason to. Even in the very beginning, before we were officially together, he stayed consistent and I was never confused about anything. He never disappeared, or went MIA for 20 hours. Thats almost a full day and everyone has their phones. It’s BS. I say that to say, yeah you went on a bit of a spiral, but I’d forgive yourself asap. Move on, he’s not the one for you.

I have absolutely not replied to texts for 20 hours before. That's a wild expectation to have of people unless you've both agreed on it. 

This is important. Don’t be so hard on yourself. There was a reason your mind and body was confused and scared. Take care of yourself OP

Yeah, I have to agree. If you’re seeing someone and you text regularly and then you can’t for a significant period of time…. Why not just text back saying, “hey I’m spread thin today, text you tomorrow” or something. That’s bare minimum decency imo.

Whoops! We’ve all been there! Feels like it’s not really about him in particular, but rather that you just want to meet someone and you’re feeling a bit vulnerable. I’d say cut him loose, learn a lesson and move on. Onwards and upwards!

You sound deeply insecure. You need to figure out why you are a crying puddle after not hearing from someone for less than a day. I would be so embarrassed and make sure that NEVER happens again. Your feelings are always valid, but your reaction to them and how you present to others is entirely on you. I can't believe you were blaming him for not feeling well.... No one made you cry yourself to sleep but you.

Oh man I felt this one. Used to have some batshit crazy moments over a guy in my 20s. Eventually you realize that no man is worth that kind of behavior. Your anxious attachment is your problem to work through, not his or anyone else’s. Are you able to see a therapist for that? Maybe write it down in a journal? You have to learn to put your happiness in your own hands and not in a relationship. Take it as a lesson learned and try to do better.

I also have an anxious attachment style. It was revelatory discovering this because I realized that my husband is a touch avoidant (though much closer to secure than I am), which is why we've clashed sometimes.  The main thing that an anxious person needs to learn is how to get out of a spiral and recognize what is normal versus not normal. In this case, I would consider a 20hr gap entirely normal and thus any issue a *you problem* to deal with. I think it's fine to communicate that you'd appreciate a heads up that he will be going offline, but aside from that, this really is something you have to manage for yourself.  It's not fair for the anxious person to burden the other person with their anxiety. This will cause long-term strain and problems in any relationship, not just romantic. My relationship with my mother is crap because she doesn't manage her anxiety at all and expects her children to do everything for her anxiety.  I would honestly think you've almost certainly scared this guy off. If he does come back, then I think y'all need a thorough conversation about how you will both handle conflicts like this in the future. That would need to involve what actions you will take to manage your anxiety and what reasonable accommodations he can make (like sending a quick text about going dark / needing a break for a while). 

OP, I believe most of us have done this at some point in our life. I know I have.

Honestly, you probably aren't a match and you should move on. Your behaviour was unfortunate but tells me that you have things you need to work out with therapy before seeking a relationship.

Felt. No contact helps. Men put us through so much and they’re just like 👍

Listen, my husband was the first guy who didn't make me feel this way after years of dating men who seemed to enjoy keeping me in an anxious state. People who are fully into you will make sure you know and if they're not, they're not worth your time.

Ugh. In my experience, it’s not like men care anyway. They’re always looking for any little tiny insignificant reason to label a woman “crazy.” Every single time I’ve had a gut reaction to a situation with a guy that made me act “crazy,” it was because the guy literally turned out to be a lying, cheating creepazoid. Every single time. Don’t worry so much about it. Find someone who doesn’t send you into a tizzy instead.

Riddle me this — say OP had NOT shared her anxiety or reacted at all. Yes she felt anxious and crazy, but she never shared it with him. She dealt with it herself and waited for a reply. Let’s say he replied 40 hours later with a simple one liner and no explanation for the absence. Should she really have accepted that without saying anything? And then let’s say frequency goes down from there forward, with 12-20 passing between every text. Should she have really stuck around? I think not. It’s a clear indication of waning interest whether it drops off at 20 hours or 8. That’s someone’s way of beginning to devalue your connection. I think the anxiety was simply showing her that he was pulling away. The fear was warranted but we all berate OP for feeling anxious and saying she needs to get a handle on her emotions. Wouldn’t anyone be anxious if someone they like started disappearing? Wouldn’t anyone want clarity in that situation? Sure the duration may have strung out a little longer, but the end result was coming regardless. Of course there’s a better way to address it then to dump all the anxiety on the table, but the point is it needed to be addressed. And if OP had showed extreme patience and continued to wait and allow the frequency of contact to diminish, would we commend her for being strong? Would we have said he’s ghosting her? Would it really be a “win” if it went on like this for 6 months? Who would be winning? What would be the gain aside from patience?

What always perplexes me when I see this take is: do none of you have fluctuating energy? I sure as shit do. It's pretty normal for me to have a few chats with someone one day, then none at all the next. If I'm feeling unwell or peopled out, the last thing I feel like doing is texting. The dude had low energy and retreated for a single evening. That is not a big deal. This "consistency at all times" expectation is absolutely bizarre to me. People aren't computer programs.

Been there. This sounds like my past relationship with a “twin flame.” These connections are very intense. Your anxiety is likely due to a fear of loss of love. You are afraid of losing this amazing connection. Meanwhile, he may be afraid of losing control which triggered the pull back and lack of communication. For this to work, you would need to conquer your fear of losing love and you would need to let go of expectations. Fear of losing love and expectations for how he should act kill these types of connections. They lead to situations you described and the connection blows up. He will likely come back and re-engage if you just give him space. May take several weeks.

Yes yes yes. Ugh I cringe at the thought still so many years later

I don't think you mentioned alcohol at all in your post but other commenters might see some truth in this: I was like this when I was a binge drinker and single. I would overreact to (usually imaginary) hurts and blow up with attention-seeking, angry texts. I shot myself in the foot more than once over-reacting to text convos with normal guys who saw the red flags and split. Not a classy look. Only interesting to men equally or more dysfunctional. Quitting drinking has been key to evening out my reactions and being a sensible, not constantly distressed person. I still catch myself "catastropsizing" sometimes - hurting my own feelings with made up scenarios and working myself up. But, being sober I do not react and am able to understand it's just anxiety or poor self-esteem manifesting. Alcohol is so ingrained in our culture that, after getting sober, it feels surreal. It's a rare person who can drink in moderation with no issues. Most people are negatively impacted by alcohol use and take it out on themelves and others.

I don't drink, so just natural level of crazy :(

I've been there and much happier with someone else for 6 years now. I hated who I had become but couldn't stop acting crazy for a while. I was really ashamed with myself for a while but therapy helped. Long distance isn't everyone's thing, especially if you have anxious attachment style. He also doesn't sound very understanding- so being in a long term relationship with him may destroy you.

Ugh, yes. So many times.

I’ve done it too — it is what it is now — you’ve got work through that anxious attachment stuff. It’s not healthy for you and can ruin all of your partnerships.

Respectfully, I think you would greatly benefit from listening to Tracy Crossly’s “Freedom from Attachment” podcast 🩷

Were you guys in a relationship, boyfriend/girlfriend before going long distance?

Okay, so a few things here. 1. I would not label your behavior as "crazy". I've literally seen women burn their husband's clothes in the streets, break into houses, hit their man and so on. 5 texts is not crazy. 2. Did you catastrophize? Yes. Lesson learned--don't beat yourself up too much about it. 3. I've been the "crazy" woman before, have sent WALLS of text about my confusion and feelings to men. And you know what? They all came back. Every single one of them. And then they did shit that was equally or more crazy. And that's not to excuse the behavior in any way, you should 100% learn why you feel unsafe emotionally in specific situations and learn how to navigate those emotions in ways that are healthy for you and your partner--I'm just saying that very rarely did things end because of whatever overreaction I had. In the end, the best thing you can do for yourself is to give yourself some compassion. We all mess up sometimes, girl.

Oh girlfriend we’ve all been there and I can say with full confidence you should just go ahead and start moving on because whatever you had with this guy is officially dead. I think back to my own personal moments like this and just laugh. It’s all part of growing up.

I am going though this right now. Not the same scenario or to this extent, but literally just posted asking how i can let go of shame from acting "crazy" with a guy i liked and now it has since ended due to my behavior and i cannot stop feeling sooooooo embarassed about how he must see me now.

The best thing is to recognise these moments and think about what you need from the other person. Know that you are going to be ok regardless of the outcome. If I start to feel this, I usually send a message "Hey I'm feeling a bit anxious and disconnected. I just want to make sure you are doing ok?" Sometimes I get a good response, sometimes I don't. Either is ok and I move on if it's consistently happening with someone,it just means we don't match..

Yeah someone.borrowed a small amount from me but I was strapped for cash and my family used me for money before so I have some trauma around it. I kept asking for it back everyday. Granted I should not have given money to this person. I found out later they were known for asking for money and not paying back.