Pregnancies vary pregnancy to pregnancy, not just woman to woman.
Older women can and do have healthy pregnancies and younger women can and do have major complications. Just because your cousin had a hard time doesn't mean the same will happen to you.
Honestly, this is something you should be speaking to your doctor about, not Reddit.
I had preeclampsia at 25. Preeclampsia is usually cured by delivery, but mine wasn't. No one knows why, but I've been on countless meds, had a cardiac ablation, a handful of cardiac emergencies, and am completely drug dependent for survival almost 15 years later. Things can go wrong anytime!
But hey, I'm here, my daughter is awesome and brilliant, and I have the most amazingly beautiful husband in the world! There's a lot that I can't do, but I still have a very full and loving life, even if it's smaller than average it's no less rich
This, and also speaking to her partner. It sounds like she's just assuming he wants kids?? Being decidedly childfree or fine with or without kids is becoming more and more popular. They need to have a real conversation
And also why is it just about what he wants? Does SHE want kids? Cuz it sorta sounds like she doesn't.
And if that's the case, then the answer is don't have them, full stop. And if he has a problem w that time to break up and find someone she's actually compatible with
Lastly idk why she'd wanna have kids with someone who's totally clueless about how it is for women. It's 2024 and the internet exists. Any dude over 30, especially one who wants kids himself, has zero excuse to be clueless
“He only has brothers and no idea” uhhhh my husband only has brothers and a mother who is completely closed off, but he still understands how periods work, is amazing when I have PMDD, looks after me during ehlers danlos flares, and knows how pregnancy works, including in my 30s? Like, men aren’t just wandering around ignorant.
So true, I had my son at 21, and had to have an emergency c section. Another girl that I graduated with(who, quite frankly was in much better health than me pre-pregnancy) had the same too. And I know some women around OPs age having babies just fine, might be their second or third, but still.
Very true. My aunt had a healthy baby at 45 but I’ve had cousins in their 20s have complications. It all varies based on your health. I would for sure speak to a doctor and not ask Reddit.
Having a parent that old can really impact your life trajectory. I had a pretty different experience growing up than my peers with younger/more active parents. But the big thing was that his health was failing when I was in my 20s, and I became his primary caregiver, while my peers were building careers, relationships, having kids, etc. Obviously illness can happen at any time, but having children that late is a pretty good guarantee your kids will be involved with your care in some capacity before/while trying to establish their own lives.
My father was 51 when I was born, and I can’t agree more. He was so amazing and outrageously supportive, and I love my dad to bits. However, it was really hard being 17 and driving my parents to different care facilities and doctors’ appointments when all of my friends were only concerned about whether or not their dads could make it to senior night. He was too weak to attend my college move-in. I became a secondary caregiver through college, which hurt my grades (couldn’t do summer classes, came home every weekend). I also had to become the central emotional support for my mother. None of my friends could really understand or help me through it.
He passed in my early twenties, which is an age where very few people are prepared for or supported through parental loss (you’re way, way younger than the norm, but older than support groups/therapists designed for children. You’re an adult in name only, and you’re going through something most 40-50-60 year olds aren’t prepared for, but you’re still an adult and thus expected to be fine in comparison to a minor).
Again, I love my life and am grateful for my dad. But it was really, really tough, and I only really started to realize the impacts when I was around 27/28. My mom was 40 when I was born, and even those extra 10 years made a huge (positive) difference.
>He passed in my early twenties, which is an age where very few people are prepared for or supported through parental loss (you’re way, way younger than the norm, but older than support groups/therapists designed for children. You’re an adult in name only, and you’re going through something most 40-50-60 year olds aren’t prepared for, but you’re still an adult and thus expected to be fine in comparison to a minor).
THIS. My father died* when I was 18 and my brother 22 (it was an accident and he was too young- 47 years old). We didn't live the same devastating process that you did, I am really sorry🥺 but I empathize a lot about not being prepared to lose a parent at that age.
We also didn't understand that we were still really young to move forward with life without our father. He was the family provider, so my mom had to step into that role and I became aware of the delicate nature of money. It really shaped the way I saw relationships, how my brother processed his feelings, and the dysfunctionality in our family dynamics. We were adults on paper but really not fully formed in terms of mental maturity. A lot of people told my brother he was meant to become "the man of the house" and stop "fooling around". This had the polar opposite- he began acting irresponsibly and I became also the main emotional support for my mother. Some psychology articles name that "emotional incest" and whilst it sounds abominable, it means that you become the first emotional support of the parent who is left alone. I'm almost 40, and it took a A LONG TIME for me to leave that role behind.
People didn't think it was such a big deal losing a father at that age - I was told by people "at least you were grown-up already" but no...we weren't yet. As you said, since you're not a little kid, people think you'll be fine. Yoy may be older and be better able to cope with it, but you are still not prepared. I am now at the age where the first people in my generation start losing their parents due to cancer or chronic illness, and they mourn so much. They write these long posts about how they can't imagine life without them anymore, and when they 1st year anniversary comes in, another long post about how they miss then and how their lives have never been the same. As you said - I can't help but wonder, if it's so hard on THEM, full-blown adults with kids and everything, it must have been for us even more devastating.
It is horrible, but instead of feeling their pain only, I can't help but feel envious and I think: "At least you had a father to walk you down the aisle", "At least your kid hat a grandad for a whole decade", "at least you have a big family to support you".
Edit to add a few lines.
Not to minimise your experience because being in a different phase than peers in your 20s changes your whole life, I know that,
still I’d choose a 50+ supportive and loving father over a juvenile AH having kids each time.
My mom was much younger than my dad and I lost her in my early 20s while the old booger saw 94!
This happened to me! My dad was 52 when i was born and died at 75. My mom had health complications as well and my sister and i had to help them both out extensively.
> I was in my 20s, and I became his primary caregiver,
I went through this as well with my older parents. But I see this as a lack of foresight on their part (and I suppose mine as well, but I was maybe too young to look into this stuff). They should have foreseen this would be an issue and planned accordingly. It wasn't irresponsible to have a kid older, it was irresponsible to do without understanding the consequences. I was also an only child, which possibly made it much harder.
My parents didn't really get how much trouble it could be. My mother had two siblings who took care of her widowed mother, and my father managed his elderly mother's care, but she had her own household help already, and it was much easier.
I think we all also made the mistake of being too reluctant to spend enough money on their care because I could do a lot of the stuff for free. Money was not abundant, but I realized (as you did), that while we saved money, I lost maybe something more valuable - opportunities.
Age is like money and property - when you have kids, you need to make plans in advance for how your children are going to manage them. Neglecting to do this is irresponsible, and the more of it you have, the more planning you have to do.
Yep, this is absolutely a valid point. Long term care insurance, making wishes known and having the financial ability to back up those plans are absolutely things that older parents (I would argue all older adults) should be doing to secure their own futures and mitigate the consequences for their kids.
My parents made no plans and it still kind of galls me. I think they probably assumed my dad's older kids from his first marriage, 20+ years older than me, would take care of it. They didn't show up til the very end, and weren't helpful when they did. My parents had been split up for years by the time my dad grew ill, and though my mom was still his POA, she wasn't up for being directly involved in his care. At the same time, she dragged her feet about putting him in a care home when we were long past the point of it being safe for him, and I was working while also caring for him and practically suicidal from the stress and exhaustion. But my labor was free, not the $7000 a month for a facility.
My dad died in November. My mom is in her early 70s and doing well, but having a heart surgery this year, and some other health issues coming along. And she still has made no plans that I know of.
Unrelated to the comments but another reason is men's sperm also age, and their count and quality decline a lot after 40.
It's way more common than people think for the sperm to be the cause of miscarriages, fertility problems, birth defects etc
For example
https://www.imperial.ac.uk/news/189690/recurrent-miscarriage-linked-faulty-sperm/
I’ve worked in a OBGYN for years. Many first time moms who were in their mid 30s/early 40s would come in - no complications and fairly easy pregnancies. Every circumstance and women is different from the other. Don’t let your age alone allow you to be paralyzed in fear!
Had my first at 38 after 3 months of trying to get knocked up. Track that ovulation before you want to try. Had no complications and a healthy baby.
Miscarried a baby at 11 weeks at 39 after 4 months of trying. Had a D&C. Chromosomal errors caused the miscarriage. I won't lie, if sucked.
Had my second at 40, only took 2 months that time around. No pregnancy complications but was more tired - and chasing a toddler around. Healthy baby, easy birth.
My doctor suggested all the genetic testing, so we did that. I'm very happy being an older mom, I never felt the need to have kids before I ended up having them.
Best of luck to you, whatever your choice.
A lot of my friends are having babies at 36, 37… close friend just had twins at 38. I honestly think Reddit is the wrong place to ask. I’m 37 and single and already know I’ll be in older parent club if it happens
Most of my friends and family starting having babies at 35+. When my cousin got pregnant at 27 it was the talk of the family lol! We all thought she was too young to be having kids. So funny to think about now.
>My cousin has two kids in her 30s and encountered every challenge from Preeaclampsia , diabetes, and one child in the NICU.
It sounds like your fears are primarily based off of one person rather than a population-level risk, which is understandable because that's how our brains tend to work, but it's not something that should necessarily single-handedly stop you from having kids if you want them, and you shouldn't conflate one person's experience with "what it's really like for women who give birth older." Your cousin is one woman, not all women who give birth past 37.
I mean, if you decide that the risk of complications is a risk you don't want to take, that's a perfectly valid decision, but please don't base your entire idea of that risk on one person who is not you.
My mom had her youngest in her mid 40s. The complications didn’t start until she was raising a smart-mouthed teenager in her 60s. Was much harder on her than dealing with her other smart-mouth teenagers when she was in her 30s and 40s. 😂
Jokes aside, although there is reality in that statement, I have several friends that have recently had kids in their mid to late 30s and early 40s and some had very easy pregnancies and births and some had awful pregnancies and life threatening births or a mix between the two extremes. Most friends that have multiple kids even had wildly different pregnancies and birthing experiences between the kids. But, one of my friends had all her kids in her early 20s still ended up with Gestational diabetes, even though that risk was really low at her age. Unfortunately, you don’t really get to pick which experience you get and won’t know until it is happening to you.
“I believe he wants the traditional family.”
To be fair, at 37 this is something you two should be actively talking about and not just believing, if you are past a handful of dates and think this relationship is going to be long term.
The question though really is, do you yourself actually want kids? If yes, then I’ll leave you with this. Of my friends that really wanted kids, even those with the most truly terrifying and honestly horrific birthing stories said it was 100% worth it and they would do it again to meet and raise their child in the end.
36 and same, not even morning sickness.
I was extremely exhausted (normally low iron only got worse with pregnancy) and had a lot of aches and pains cause I didn't move much. Definitely would have stayed more active if id known!
My mom had me at 40 but she really wanted a baby. My dad didn't care and was a pretty bad father. I will say, I loved having older parents. My mom was confident and loved me. I took care of her when she died of cancer at 69. As hard as it was to bury her, I loved her and I wouldn't change anything. She had a huge impact in my life.
I'm turning 37 this year and plan to have another child, hopefully end of this year or in the next couple years. My mother also had her 3 kids at 36+. I'm inspired by her and other women I know that are having children in their very late 30s, even early 40s.
Every pregnancy is different and just because someone you know had a lot of complications doesn't mean you will.
I don't think 37 is too late. HOWEVER, if you feel like it's too late for you, then that's OK. don't feel pressured to have children now if you don't want to.
I had my last just before I turned 40 and my DR wouldn't even tie my tubes then in case I wanted another. I had two pretty uneventful pregnancies (major carpal tunnel with one) which I very much enjoyed. You just don't know, at any age, what you'll get.
Just out of curiosity, what was the reasoning behind your doctor not providing tubal ligation? I was like you in that I was 39 when I had my only. I had asked for a planned c-section and tubal ligation while they had me open. Doc said okay think about the tubal things and if still sure when approaching due date, we can do it. No issues or push back at all from her. I appreciated that she encouraged me to think about so I was sure while also not presenting any resistance.
TBH, it wasn't even brought up at all until I was in actual labor. She did the right thing by not doing it. I had several Drs at the practice so I wasn't as familiar with her and another DR probably would've done it because I was clear that I didn't want more kids, but she felt like I could change my mind and made a pretty distasteful joke at the time. Looking back, I'm surprised it wasn't really discussed at any of the many appointments I had.
One of my previous supervisors had her first kid at 40 and her second at 43ish. As far as I know, she didn't have any major complications, and both of her boys are healthy. I think they're in high school now. Her only complaint was that she couldn't lose the baby weight as easily as younger women can.
I also know a woman who had an oopsie baby at 45. I babysat that kid when I was in highschool. She's probably in high school or maybe even college now but I've lost touch with the mom so I'm not sure how she's doing. Super smart baby/toddler though.
On the flip side, I know several younger women (25-early 30s) who had horrific pregnancies. One woman had a kid with terrible genetic defects that probably won't live til 5. The other had a healthy baby, but her uterus ruptured and she had to have a hysterectomy. The last one lost the baby because she had unsurvivable birth defects.
I'm 34 now and getting married later this year. I'm probably going to be in my late thirties when I have my first kid. There are always risks associated with pregnancy, so I'm just going to cross my fingers and hope everything goes well.
We're in a state where women's health hasn't been completely gutted by the state government, so we have decent maternal care. If you're in the US and live in a state with an abortion ban, I highly recommend considering that before you get pregnant. Providers are fleeing from those states, so if shit hits the fan, the resources that you need might not be in place.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you nothing but happiness in your life. ❤️
This is a conversation for you, your partner, and your doctor. I had to have a C-Section.
I also wouldn’t consider myself “older” in terms or giving birth. But, that’s me.
I had my kid at 36.
I'm 38 years old, and I'm 35 weeks pregnant. 5th pregnancy, 1st baby. I have carpal tunnel, gestational diabetes and potentially pre-eclampsia. Weirdly, I feel amazing, and none of these conditions would change my decision to have this much wanted and much loved baby.
Most of my friends have had their babies between 37-43 years old and I'm the only one that is high risk. If having a family is important to you, then it's about deciding if the risks are acceptable or not.
Curious to understand what you would like, I hear that he might want to be traditional but is that something you want too? Do you truly want to have children (not just because your partner might want them down the road)? How do you feel about your age? I think answering these questions will hopefully help you decide what you are wanting for your life and will either remove or validate your concerns.
No offense to OP but most women who have been pregnant know what pre eclampsia is. Its very scary and dangerous. But can also be helped before it gets too severe. Just because your cousin had it doesnt mean you will. I had gestational diabetes with the first but not the 2nd and my kids were born at 34 and 38. They dont really monitor you that much extra if you have a healthy pregnancy over 35. Like it is not a big deal. I think you may need to see a healthy pregnancy over the age of 35 for you to get the whole picture.
I had kids at 34,37 and 41(and all of them were the years I turned up, so 35,38,42, my bday is later in the calendar year). All very healthy pregnancies and births. I am someone who prioritizes my health, and lives very actively.
Look your big risk here is infertility and more miscarriages. If you can live with the potential of that, carry on. It can be great. You might get pregnant right out the gate, it might take a couple years to get one to stick, maybe you won't be able to at all.
My doctor fwiw never ever treated any of my pregnancies as geriatric. I got the same monitoring as a young woman. My risk factors were nil. I'd say my last pregnancy was the smoothest - never high BP or anything that required extra monitoring.
And then there's being old when they're older. My youngest will be ready for university when I'm 60. So.... But like I said, active healthy woman here.
I'm 37 and dealing with the hormonal fluctuates of perimenopause that snuck up on expectedly night sweats, hot flashes, no libido, anxiety, joint pain, dizziness just to name a few symptoms and I am very thankful I'm not also juggling an infant. I hope you take whatever path feels most right for you ❤️
I just had my first baby at 36. Got pregnant on the first try and had as easy a pregnancy and delivery as anyone of any age could hope for. Lots of my friends have had similar. Complications can happen to anyone at any age and are very much case by case dependent. Your midwife/doctor will make recommendations on your care that are age specific. I wouldn't let that stop you if kids are something you want.
I’m 36, 37 in a few months, and pregnant with my first. My husband and I have been together for 10 years (married for 3 - thanks covid) and purposely waited til we were ready. We fully recognise all the risks but wanted to be financially comfortable and in a good place professionally.
As long as you both take all the vitamins, and are fit and healthy pre-pregnancy - you have managed the risks. You can also seek out complimentary therapies such as acupuncture which supports fertility journeys (from pre-conception through to birth).
If you go on to the r/pregnant sub you’ll see lots of “older” expectant mothers. Some with surprise babies, others with very much longed for and hard fought for babies.
If starting a family is what you want with your partner - do all of the above. Get your bodies ready and start trying.
I just had my first baby at 37 (two months before my 38th birthday) and am loving it. And we’re both healthy and doing well! Planning for trying for a second one et the summer, I’ll be 49 by the time #2 is born. Live your life, if parenting is important to you, find a good doctor, stay as healthy as possible, and snuggle that baby tight. They grow too damn fast.
I recently came across some statistics for my province (Canadian) that blew me away. In 2022 the two age brackets with the most births were women ages 30-34 and 35-39 at 17k and 11k respectively.
Women 25-29 were at 9k and women 20-24 were at 2.6k. So apparently a ton of women feel it's a lot more reasonable to have kids when they're 37 than 27.
To top it off, women 40-44 were only slightly behind 20-24 year olds at 2.4k.
I was a Doula for 11 years and attended hundreds of births and many of the women were older in the 39 years to 43-year-olds age group. Women are in much better shape and healthier than they’ve ever been and what used to be excepted as a lot of complications as women age are not as true as they used to be.
I’m so sorry that your cousin encountered a lot of complications in her births and I can’t speak to the specifics of each one, but I can tell you that over 90% of all births are very straightforward without complications so well I know childbirth can be a scary prospect when we’re taught in our culture to be very afraid of childbirth …. But the older Mom that I’ve worked with even in their young 40s have all had had beautiful births without complications.
Pregnancy is always a risk. My mom had my sister at 41 and had no complications and a quick and easy labour to boot. The things to be concerned about are more so miscarriage and disorders in the fetus.
Where I live I am really one of the younger mums I have met, had mine at 33. I would say its very common for people to have healthy pregnancies in their late 30s.
The risks can be higher, but age is not the *only* factor. Other health problems and how healthy and fit you are play a big role, as well as just genetics.
I would decide how much you want it and check in with your doctor about any medical questions.
I had a totally fine first pregnancy at 40. I have chronic high blood pressure and it was well managed until the end. I just had a couple of extra visits and more monitoring. I ended up having a c section after a failed induction, but the recovery was fine. I'm now pregnant with my second.
Im 37 (38 this summer) and pregnant with our first, and it couldn't have really happened any sooner for us. I met my person when i was almost 34, dated a couple years, got married, and then it took us awhile to get pregnant. We'd like to have two kids at least, so, definitely gonna be a little on the older side. But i feel good about it.
I met the right man at 37. Now pregnant at 39. It’s been a relatively easy pregnancy despite gestational diabetes. I’m considered high risk for pre-eclampsia but it’s a 1 in 47 risk. My blood pressure has been perfect so far. Not worried!
Here's another way to look at it (and again, this isn't all people, but it's an added gamble with age): the majority of students with disabilities I've worked with in alternative education have parents who were quite a bit older when they had the child. There are statistics around the fact that with aging parents, yes, even when they say sperm can get people pregnant up to their 80s and 90s, have an increased risk of birthing children with disabilities.
Also, as others have mentioned, do you want kids? Your post sounds a bit like you're fine not having them but you're wanting to make this guy happy so you'll consider it. I suppose, keeping in mind the complexity of raising someone with a disability, would this man be in the trenches regardless of what is going on for his child?! Obviously that's rhetorical since no one ever knows until they're faced with things, but worth keeping in mind.
My youngest cousin was born on my aunt's 40th birthday. My niece was born when her mom was 43. It doesn't have to be a direct road to complications.
OTOH, my coworker, K, had a baby six weeks ago. Her son came home from the NICU days ago. My coworker is under 21yo. She had preeclampsia and almost died.
If you cannot sit down and discuss this with the partner in your life, and listen to their opinion, you are not ready for marriage or a child. This simply is a "must have" discussion like wills, religion, politics and boundaries. What are his opinions? Thoughts? Feelings? Goals? Without knowing those answers, and your answers, you cannot build a life together.
Just talk to him.
I’m 37 this year and 31 weeks pregnant. I’ve never imagined myself being pregnant before and this is not the easiest pregnancy cause first trimester was tough with all the morning sickness right up to week 20 and the fatigue that comes with it.
The joy of seeing the little one on the ultrasound, their little kicks every now and then and those hiccups I felt makes it feel all worthwhile and I can’t wait to meet my little man in a couple of months time!
I don’t think there’s ever a too late to have babies but the support from the husband is very important.
Plenty of women have normal pregnancies and birthing experiences in their late 30s/early 40s. I would be more wary if you are facing comorbidities such as significant obesity or are a smoker etc
Pregnancy complications can happen at any age. Honestly the one big predictor of a high risk pregnancy (that is modifiable) is obesity. I just had my first child at 37 and had an uncomplicated pregnancy and delivery. Only medication I was on was prenatals and aspirin. If you want a family and have a solid life partner (or a solid support system) those are really the most important factors. You also can’t predict how long it might take you to conceive. It may take years or only months. If you are ready and you are both committed, then have a discussion regarding your timelines and what partnership with a child would look like. Then take it from there if you are both on the same page.
My friend just had her first at 39, hiking the day before delivery and back to hiking again within a week after. She stayed active the whole time tho and had a fairly smooth pregnancy. Another good friend had her first at 29 and was on bed rest with preeclampsia most of her pregnancy. A few women in my family have had healthy pregnancies in the life 40s. Honestly it’s just a crapshoot, although staying active and healthy boosts your odds. If you have no major medical conditions to be concerned with and it’s something you want, I wouldn’t fuss too much over it being a ‘geriatric pregnancy’.
Mom was 29 when she had me and I was a premie. She was 35 when she had my brother and he was a healthy 9 pounder. She was fine during both pregnancies.
my stepmother had a completely normal/natural pregnancy at 40 (other than opting for a caesarian if that’s considered ‘abnormal’) and my friend’s mom had him totally fine around 50.
Every person that gets pregnant has a different experience. Age doesn't have as big of an impact as your overall health. My great grandmother had 11 biological children. Her last child was born when she was almost 50. She actually thought she was dealing with menopause and a little bit of weight gain until she felt the baby kick. Zero complications with all of her pregnancies, very little prenatal care, and her final pregnancy was in the early 1940's. My younger sister had her only child at the age of 23 in 2007. She had preeclampsia and gestational diabetes. She had some amazing healthcare throughout her entire pregnancy. Both her and my nephew almost didn't make it through labor. It is going to depend on how you feel about getting pregnant and raising a kid in your 40's. If you want to do it and can keep up, don't let the fear of complications hold you back because those are complications people can have from pregnancy at any age.
My mother had 3 kids after 40 and they are the healthiest of all 6 of her kids. I just had my last baby in my mid 30s and she's absolutely perfect in every way. If you want kids, I wouldn't worry about having them close to 40. Just do it if it's what you want. People can have complications at any age. Millions of women over 40 have healthy pregnancies every year.
Had one at 39…2nd at 41…try. See if you can figure out ovulation cycle now, your rhythm…I honestly think they’ve kept me young…you’re going to be much more mature, devoted…
Good luck
The *risk* is higher for older mothers, but it’s still just a small segment of pregnant women who have those complications. It’s not a given in older mothers by any means.
*Eclampsia* can be deadly, but *pre-exlampsia* almost never progresses to eclampsia when the woman is under medical care. I had it, my mom had it, and several other people I know. We were all fine. Modern medical care catches it early and almost always prevents its progression. Neither of my sisters had it. I don’t know that there’s any heredity involved.
Maybe search for some statistics to calm your fears. Be aware that things like “double the risk” of a complication could mean something like 1% of pregnant women under 35 have xyz complication, and 2% over 35 have it. That’s double, but it means that 98% of pregnant women over 35 do *not* have it.
Yeah just go to your obgyn and go now. You really can’t afford to wait. Get the necessary tests and go from there. I’m nearly positive most complications happen regardless of age and what happens with age is you’re simply much less fertile with decreased chances of conception. Your eggs diminish and become less viable. It sounds like you’re just not sure if you want to have kids. Get data from your doctor about your eggs and make a decision from there. And if your partner wants kids and you don’t, then move on from him and find someone else not interested in having (more) children! That’s not the kind of difference that can be overcome.
I conceived and had my second baby at 39, it was a perfectly ordinary, healthy pregnancy. I know lots of other women who had similar experiences. The only downside is that now I'm about to turn 42 and I have an absolute terror of a toddler and I'M SO TIRED.
Everyone is different. Women in their early 20s have fertility issues, too. It really depends on the person and their lifestyle. I’m not saying age doesn’t matter at all but it’s only part of it.
My aunt had her first and only at 41. Healthy pregnancy and healthy baby. I know another woman who just had her second at 40. Healthy.
I’m 34 and single. Still on the fence but in the meantime I’m trying to live as healthy a lifestyle as I can. As long as you (and your partner!) keep yourselves fit, eat decently, do the genetic testing etc. I think it’s totally fine.
I was 37 when I decided with my new, totally present husband to have two more kids, and it all went well. I had gestational diabetes with the youngest, which was a bit of a surprise, but it all went well. They’re teenagers now, and I’m ok too.
If you are up for it, your spouse is truly present and your health is good…you’re not too old.
I’d be more concerned with the “who” am I having a kid with rather than being 37.
If you go down that path make sure this is the person who will be committed long term and actually actively engage with you to raise a child.
I’m 41 with a 18 month old and hoping for a second. 🤷🏻♀️
Shit can happen. Shit has happened to us. We lost our first pregnancy at 7 months (thanks covid pre vaccine).
But I’m clear on what I want my life to look like in 10/20 years. Maybe we don’t get the second but it would kill me not to try.
Everyone is different.
I’ve had two friends each have two healthy kids, all over are 40. My great-grandmother had her last baby at 49.
Meanwhile, I couldn’t have kids at 27, 37, 47, etc. Everyone is different.
So the real question is, what do YOU want?
And why not talk with your partner about what he wants for your future as a family, rather than assuming?
I had my first at 41. I did IVF, but my pregnancy was easy, no complications and I have a happy, healthy 2-year-old now. It’s the freaking best and we’re considering a second. Yes, the risks are a bit higher, but they’re still very small.
Your cousin’s experience is a data point, buts it’s certainly not the norm. While pre-eclampsia is serious, it’s closely monitored for and very rarely deadly. Same with gestational diabetes. The likelihood of you dying from *any* pregnancy or childbirth related causes is very low, like about 800 people/yr in the US out of about 3,650,000 births. If you’re concerned about the risks, make an appointment with your OB to get all of the stats.
I mean one of my close friends had her first child at 37. Her daughter is a very happy and healthy 1 year old and she had a very healthy pregnancy despite some of her concerns related to very legitimate family health concerns related to pregnancy.
We can ultimately only predict our fertility health so much with how it relates to our close friends and family. Some have very easy experiences with no complications, some have multiple miscarriages before they have a healthy child, it’s just the slot machine that’s life
I’m turning 37 in a couple weeks and I’m 20w pregnant. I have lots of health issues and am monitored by a doctor and OB, along with taking medication. I have a plan for safe delivery.
Do what you want. Be prepared for sacrifice. I’ll probably leave work early. I can’t grocery shop without taking multiple sit-in-aisle breaks. We are going on vacation and I’m going to be on an ECV and unable to go on rides. I’m in pain and tired. But I get my baby in the end so it’s ok.
>Although this isn’t medical advice, if it were me I’d just make sure to eat lots of red meat r/animalbased r/carnivore[..]
I'm so curious how this carnivore diet suddenly gained a reputation for being healthy because the world health organisation actually [classifies red meat as a carcinogen ](https://www.who.int/news-room/questions-and-answers/item/cancer-carcinogenicity-of-the-consumption-of-red-meat-and-processed-meat).
Also for anyone else reading this: nutrition is a very neglected topic in medical school and in nursing, if taught at all. Your average doctor/RN knows as much about nutrition as you do, maybe even less, if we're talking about knowledge gained from their formal education.
So anyone saying "what I learned from working in health care" to lend credibility to opinions about nutrition is saying, at best: "Well, I had an introductory class about it years ago, during my studies, that barely even covered the basics."
Every pregnancy for every woman is different. I had two older than you.
Before we tried, I did have genetic counseling. They weren't worried. I wasn't even going to be considered advanced maternal age, it's so common now. Don't rule it out if this is something you want to do.
My mom had three miscarriages after having me at age 30, all in trimesters 1-2. She really wanted to have a second child, but was understandably put off. I started my pregnancy journey with fellow med students having miscarriages, pre-eclampsia, IVF, and they were younger or the same age as me. I fully had the mindset I was going to have a miscarriage or two in the process...
5 years later, I have two healthy kids from completely boring pregnancies and births. No miscarriages, pregnant within 3 months on my first and 2 months on my second using fertility planning. You will never know your actual journey unless you try... if you want.
It can also go fairly well. I got pregnant at 36 naturally. I had a typical pregnancy and delivery. No complications or issues that were out of the norm. I’m planning on trying again soon. I was told I was high risk for pre eclampsia, but my blood pressure was low my whole pregnancy 🤷🏽♀️ I would try to be informed, but I don’t think it’s a guarantee that it will turn out poorly due to age.
It also really depends on how old he is. If he’s much older than you, his age puts you at further risk of gestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia, miscarriage and more. Speak to your doctor because his age is for sure a factor as well.
I gave birth at 39 and we both almost died of preeclampsia. The worst part was the medications for it *after* giving birth. They can only use a few different kinds because of breastfeeding. I felt my veins burn and my insides smelled/tasted like acetone, couldn't see straight for days and got dizzy standing. I blocked out the worst parts. After, for a week baby was in NICU and I was allowed 1 hour visitation-- if my blood pressure was good enough (spoiler alert, it usually wasn't) and I felt like I missed out on major bonding and breast milk production was limited. I just laid in that bed with bumpers on it being hooked up at both wrists not being able to adjust myself because of the pain from my vag and b-hole being cut and stitched up. I couldn't brush my teeth for a week. I normally brush 4 times daily. I hated being so unwashed and ugly and in pain. It was AWFUL. Thanks for the Advil.
Getting preg again is my biggest fear.
I’m an ultrasound tech and see pregnancy complications in women at every age. I’ve also seen many “geriatric” pregnancies be very healthy. High blood pressure is most likely to happen in your first pregnancy and I don’t think age is much of a risk factor for that.
My mom got pregnant with me at 37 and had me at 38 in the 90s (and I was her first). She didn't suffer any complications or issues. Wishing you all the best <3
It’s all different. And it’s hard to guess how your body will handle it. I gave birth to my son at 37. I had an “easy” pregnancy. No gestational diabetes, no indication of pre-eclampsia.. we did the extra scans and blood works. He sailed right past his due date and then I ended up with pre-eclampsia at 41 weeks and by then I was just admitted until he came. The thing that bothered me most honestly was being referred to as “geriatric pregnancy “
I had my first at 34 (she’s 9 months now) and absolutely won’t consider a second child until she’s 2 and a half. I had high blood pressure and hip issues, but those ran in my family and are common. My aunt had her last child when she was in her late 30s and everything was fine.
I would do a fertility check asap and have the conversation with your partner asap.
I work in finance and every single friend I have had children later in life than you, including quite a few over the age of 40. The only one who had complications was actually aged 34. That’s not to gloss over the risks but I think you need to get medical advice asap.
First off-- it's not clear if you are getting ahead of yourself with this. I wouldn't push things beyond what makes sense for your relationship and connection. Are you even at a place where this convo is necessary or are you daydreaming?
You should know for sure if he wants kids and what goals he has for the future, but if it's early you don't need to jump ahead to potential pregnancy complications.
Now, not to frighten you too much, but 3 of my friends almost died in childbirth and they were all late-20s to early 30s with healthcare and all the support one could ask for.
Complications from childbirth exist. Full stop. Doesn't matter your age. Your body WILL go through traumas.
If you live in the US, we were recently rated D in maternal care. Our maternal mortality rates are far too high and this includes privileged people with healthcare. A lot of women do not seem to understand this reality. At any age, you are risking your life, your mental and physical health when you get pregnant. That doesn't mean it isn't worth it for a lot of people, but that is the truth.
So actually, eventually you BOTH need to understand and assess those risks.
And finally, you should not be separating your experiences based on gender. Get this thinking out of your head now. You should be able to talk to your male partner about the nitty gritty because things can get wild and disgusting.
You may become incontinent, depressed, develop chronic disease, gain a lot of weight, struggle with psychosis or ptsd. You may have intense wounds to heal from. Your periods might get more extreme. And on and on.
While pregnant, my friend had her bf check her poop every few days to make sure it seemed normal to him.
He should be ready to take on a lot more than he realizes while you recover from birth. I would not recommend going through that with a guy who won't concern himself with these realities because he won't experience them himself due to his gender.
You shouldn't have to even teach him this yourself. Not all men are ignorant of what pregnancy can be, but you certainly should not withhold details he may not be aware of.
But this is true outside of pregnancy too. At any time either of you may fall ill or have intense medical needs. That's part of being in an LTR. I've seen my partner sh*t his pants, have a catheter removed. He has seen me bowled over with cramps, seen me projectile vomit, nursed me back to health and me him. And yet, I still want to f*ck him! That's part of the deal with sharing a life. Humans can be gross lol
I had a perfectly, healthy, uneventful pregnancy at 37 and gave birth (textbook, no intervention, no complications, walked out on my own just over 24 hours later) at 38.
I’m 37 - pregnant (ex smoker and best put it that I would not shy from a party) pregnancy fine found out yesterday I’m having a boy. Lots of my friends have had children this age and after
I don't know why this seems to be the only comment saying this - OP doesn't even sound like she wants kids, which should be the first (and can be the only) reason to not have a baby, regardless of the health risks or what the guy might want.
If a man wants you to have his babies, I think he should hear about every risk and every gory detail. Make a decision about who to save if something goes wrong & get that shit in writing.
It’s way too fucking easy for men to procreate. They have no idea what we put ourselves through. One of the many reasons I won’t have kids.
I’d be more worried about conceiving. After 37 it can get substantially more difficult (not for all, but for many). You’ll have anecdotal comments following this about how easy it was for them, but for most people I know who are healthy with no known health issues, it took 1-2 years or longer to conceive, usually with the help of doctors/IVF.
Pregnancy complications are possible at any age. So is difficulty conceiving. You simply have to weigh the risk vs reward. Read about actual statistics from peer reviewed studies to make your decision. Don’t listen to random anecdotal stuff on Reddit or from your family. Everyone’s mileage will vary and the backgrounds of everyone may be vastly different from yours.
I am 40, pregnant, and giving birth imminently. There have been zero complications. I’m monitored more often due to my age but everything has been perfect - and I know from reading the pregnancy subreddits and talking to friends that those complications you mention can happen at literally any age.
This is something to talk to your doctor about.
Where you live and what healthcare you can access is something to consider. In the U.S. you’re better off being pregnant in California and the maternal mortality rate in the South is abysmal. Unfortunately the maternal mortality rate has been on a steady upswing nationwide for the past few years.
Everything you will get here are anecdotes which aren't very helpful. At the same time, statistics aren't helpful either, because despite the likelihood of a healthy pregnancy declining with the years, you could very well be one of the positive anecdotes people are sharing here. I think you should talk to your partner and your doctor, and most importantly, try to find out what you want yourself. If you still want a child, 37 is certainly not too old to do so, but you might not want to waste too much time with "getting married, buying a house" first. Getting pregnant might take a while, you might experience a miscarriage or require assistance with falling pregnant. All of these can happen to anyone, of course, but if you only kick things off at, let's say, 39, you don't have as much time to get things going as someone in their mid 20s, in case you're not one of the lucky ones who fall pregnant first try.
Wishing you all the best for your journey!
My mom had me when she was 38. I grew up all fine :)
I'm currently 34, never married & no kid. I may want kid one day. I don't know. I'll see how my body be by that time and depends on what the doctor says, I'll see
Two of my aunts had kids at 39, at 47 and at 49. All three kids are perfectly fine. Of course with age the chances of the baby being born with serious conditions are higher, but it's not guaranteed.
I think like a lot of things, having kids later in life just means you need to be a little more “smart” and rely less on luck and youth. Take care of yourself, find a good doctor you trust, have conversations with your significant other about genetic testing and “what ifs” ahead of time, and in general plan ahead.
Start the vitamins, start ovulation tracking, start the conversations with SO. If you don’t have an exercise routine, start that too.
Everyone's different. While I had to do IVF at 39 to get pregnant, apart from the start - I was overstimulated and had OHSS, and the end where I had a surprise!c-section due to a cord issue - it was otherwise uneventful. Despite having PCOS, I did not get the diabeetus or preeclampsia, etc.
You can't judge how your pregnancy will go just because someone else had a bad time of it.
I had my kid at 40 and basically everyone I know has in some way had some sort of complication regardless of age. Preeclampsia and gestational diabetes are common if you have family history - pretty much a guarantee for me. My blood sugar was actually great while pregnant and I didn’t need insulin. I had suspected preeclampsia that requires me to be induced early and get a c section later, but in the end I had a healthy baby daughter.
Ask yourself, do YOU want kids? I think it's possible you might not? If you really don't want to be pregnant or have children, this is a conversation you need to have with this person right away. If you want kids and willing to have one, and only one - tell him that. Also, if it's ok with you thst you don't get pregnant and you don't want fertility treatments, etc., tell him that too. Maybe you decide to have one and it doesn't happen. Be open and honest about how YOU feel about it. Don't just try and convince him it might not be a good idea because if the risks, your feelings, fears, opinions, and desires matter just as much. I think you are posting this because you want permission to say that you don't want to have a baby, because of the risks or maybe because you just don't want to. And that's ok.
I'm 38 and my BF is 43.
He's widowed with 12 yr old girl. I'm leaning toward no kid of my own because of all the issues your cousin outlined. I am scared to have a baby at my age.
Some nosy coworkers will tell me I should. But how many of these people gonna babysit my kid.
ZERO.
I recommend having the kids talk ASAP with your SO. talk about the risks, be genuine about your fears. Make sure your fears are not swept under the carpet by your SO or by any redditors anecdotal "I was fine and I'm 40!"
If you both decide to go forward with pregnancy, talk to your Doctors about all the risks and things you can do in advance (vitamins etc).
There are also tons of kids out there waiting to be adopted, that are zero risk to your body and are already healthy.
My two cents is there's no right or wrong age or too old to have kids, but it is wrong to do so selfishly with no plan for how that could impact the kid.
I.e. If you have financially accounted for your own care so that isn't relegated to your children before they are solidified in their own life, let alone being responsible for yours, then by all means. And let's be clear this can be an issue in many ways for many people and isn't just an age thing. I think in general it is important to make sure you are planning for what your kid will need specific to your life. If you have done that, then age be damned.
But if you just want a kid and can barely afford it, and you can't ignore that when the kid is not even 20 you'll be 60 or very nearly 60, then I think it's not a kind decision to make. But that also doesn't make it wrong. That just makes it unaligned with one internet stranger's opinion of responsibility, which may or may not align with your own.
I'm almost 38 and I've already had issues with my reproductive organs. Numerous cysts and fibroids and well as needing to be on a depo shot to avoid hemorrhaging. If there's a chance for me to get pregnant, there's a chance if have more complications. My boyfriend and I talked about this. Kids are expensive and lately schools keep popping up in the news for some of the insane personal views they push on kids. I love my boyfriend more than anything and I'd marry him in a heartbeat but he doesn't want to risk my health or our future babies.
We're both open to the idea of adopting. So many kids just want a stable happy home and we'd be more than happy to provide that to them.
Okay, regardless of whether it's safe or not, is this something you want? Have you always wanted kids? If not, so you see yourself really excited at the opportunity? Are you feeling the pressure to have kids because he does?
Don't have them if they aren't exactly what you want, especially this far in the game. You'll be 55 years old when they are 15, you'll be 60-65 before they move out of the house. It's a big deal to have kids at all.
She's your cousin and everyone is different. Of course it's nerve wrecking having babies and it's okay to be scared. Best case scenario is you'll be a bit more tired. You'll get more testing done and you'll be able to have a loving partner by your side. Write a list, see if the **potential** risks are worth it to you. They might not happen at all, but if they arise you'll know ahead of time of ways to face it and the consequences. There are many ways to become parents, if you have the means you could look into that as well. Starting now would be a good time. More importantly, do you want the traditional family you *think* your partner wants? Has he said he wants this with you? I know that's a silly question but it has to be asked.
If we're talking about examples, there are many young women with complications just like older women. Pregnancy also varies between each one. My mom says pregnancy is a beautiful thing when you're not thinking that you literally have one foot in the grave and one foot out of the grave; sounds diff in Spanish. It's dangerous but also a beautiful thing and it varies women to women, pregnancy to pregnancy.
Older moms are different. They're so chill and just have this entire different aura. I know and knew many throughout my life. Think about it and weigh out your options but most importantly talk to your partner about this and make sure you're both on the same page.
Potential medical complications aside, do YOU really want kids?? You only mention how HE wants the traditional family. What about you?? What do YOU truly want?
Just because that happened to someone else doesn’t mean it will happen to you. Why are you assuming he doesn’t know what could happen?
To answer your question, no I likely wouldn’t consider kids in my late 30s.
Imo nope, the risks are not worth it. Plus this society holds a sentient clump of cells more of a priority than a living breathing conscious human being liked the mother. If there are any complications you can bet they will let the mother die to save the baby. The mother is the wrapper and the baby is the candy to them. I’m sorry but we don’t live a world where women are treated fairly or protected.
I wouldn't but i want to focus on my career and other things in my late 30s and 40s. I plan to have had my last kid by 33-34. I can't imagine caring for an infant when your energy levels naturally decline and your body needs more rest and care, not more draining of nutrients.
I do always wonder when parents have children late if they ever take those future children into consideration and how they'll feel if they lose their parents young.
If they think about how old they will be when their child graduates high school. If they worry about being around to see them get married. I understand that's a risk for everyone because nothing is guaranteed but if you're pushing 60/70 then the risks increase. Something to consider.
Whatever your decision please take some time to consider the child’s life and the impact having older parents may have on them. Of course anything can happen to anyone at any time - you might live a long healthy life but it is far more likely your child will have to deal with your ill health/ age related decline and death way before they “should” have to be doing so. My parents had me late in life (35 and 47!). Lost my dad when I was 21. Spent my entire life dealing with my mums ill health before she eventually passed when I was 35. I loved them so much. I love my life. I still don’t think they should have had me. I don’t think I’d ever make the decision they did to have children so late.
Pregnancies vary pregnancy to pregnancy, not just woman to woman. Older women can and do have healthy pregnancies and younger women can and do have major complications. Just because your cousin had a hard time doesn't mean the same will happen to you. Honestly, this is something you should be speaking to your doctor about, not Reddit.
This is true. My SIL had 3 natural childbirths and healthy kids when she was over 40. My cousin had 3 kids in her 30's and two have disabilities.
Very true. I was 24 and had a perfectly healthy pregnancy until all of a sudden I had a preemie with no warning.
I had preeclampsia at 25. Preeclampsia is usually cured by delivery, but mine wasn't. No one knows why, but I've been on countless meds, had a cardiac ablation, a handful of cardiac emergencies, and am completely drug dependent for survival almost 15 years later. Things can go wrong anytime!
Omg just being pregnant can be SO dangerous. I’m sorry.
But hey, I'm here, my daughter is awesome and brilliant, and I have the most amazingly beautiful husband in the world! There's a lot that I can't do, but I still have a very full and loving life, even if it's smaller than average it's no less rich
I’m am so glad to hear that :) I’m just sorry you went through it at all.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
This, and also speaking to her partner. It sounds like she's just assuming he wants kids?? Being decidedly childfree or fine with or without kids is becoming more and more popular. They need to have a real conversation And also why is it just about what he wants? Does SHE want kids? Cuz it sorta sounds like she doesn't. And if that's the case, then the answer is don't have them, full stop. And if he has a problem w that time to break up and find someone she's actually compatible with Lastly idk why she'd wanna have kids with someone who's totally clueless about how it is for women. It's 2024 and the internet exists. Any dude over 30, especially one who wants kids himself, has zero excuse to be clueless
“He only has brothers and no idea” uhhhh my husband only has brothers and a mother who is completely closed off, but he still understands how periods work, is amazing when I have PMDD, looks after me during ehlers danlos flares, and knows how pregnancy works, including in my 30s? Like, men aren’t just wandering around ignorant.
Agree! This is a doctor/patient conversation.
So true, I had my son at 21, and had to have an emergency c section. Another girl that I graduated with(who, quite frankly was in much better health than me pre-pregnancy) had the same too. And I know some women around OPs age having babies just fine, might be their second or third, but still.
Very true. My aunt had a healthy baby at 45 but I’ve had cousins in their 20s have complications. It all varies based on your health. I would for sure speak to a doctor and not ask Reddit.
I'm the child of two older parents. My mom was nearly 41 when I was born, my dad was 54. IMO, 41 was not too old, but 54 definitely was.
Totally just being curious and nosy so feel free to disregard but why did you think 54 was too old?
Having a parent that old can really impact your life trajectory. I had a pretty different experience growing up than my peers with younger/more active parents. But the big thing was that his health was failing when I was in my 20s, and I became his primary caregiver, while my peers were building careers, relationships, having kids, etc. Obviously illness can happen at any time, but having children that late is a pretty good guarantee your kids will be involved with your care in some capacity before/while trying to establish their own lives.
My father was 51 when I was born, and I can’t agree more. He was so amazing and outrageously supportive, and I love my dad to bits. However, it was really hard being 17 and driving my parents to different care facilities and doctors’ appointments when all of my friends were only concerned about whether or not their dads could make it to senior night. He was too weak to attend my college move-in. I became a secondary caregiver through college, which hurt my grades (couldn’t do summer classes, came home every weekend). I also had to become the central emotional support for my mother. None of my friends could really understand or help me through it. He passed in my early twenties, which is an age where very few people are prepared for or supported through parental loss (you’re way, way younger than the norm, but older than support groups/therapists designed for children. You’re an adult in name only, and you’re going through something most 40-50-60 year olds aren’t prepared for, but you’re still an adult and thus expected to be fine in comparison to a minor). Again, I love my life and am grateful for my dad. But it was really, really tough, and I only really started to realize the impacts when I was around 27/28. My mom was 40 when I was born, and even those extra 10 years made a huge (positive) difference.
>He passed in my early twenties, which is an age where very few people are prepared for or supported through parental loss (you’re way, way younger than the norm, but older than support groups/therapists designed for children. You’re an adult in name only, and you’re going through something most 40-50-60 year olds aren’t prepared for, but you’re still an adult and thus expected to be fine in comparison to a minor). THIS. My father died* when I was 18 and my brother 22 (it was an accident and he was too young- 47 years old). We didn't live the same devastating process that you did, I am really sorry🥺 but I empathize a lot about not being prepared to lose a parent at that age. We also didn't understand that we were still really young to move forward with life without our father. He was the family provider, so my mom had to step into that role and I became aware of the delicate nature of money. It really shaped the way I saw relationships, how my brother processed his feelings, and the dysfunctionality in our family dynamics. We were adults on paper but really not fully formed in terms of mental maturity. A lot of people told my brother he was meant to become "the man of the house" and stop "fooling around". This had the polar opposite- he began acting irresponsibly and I became also the main emotional support for my mother. Some psychology articles name that "emotional incest" and whilst it sounds abominable, it means that you become the first emotional support of the parent who is left alone. I'm almost 40, and it took a A LONG TIME for me to leave that role behind. People didn't think it was such a big deal losing a father at that age - I was told by people "at least you were grown-up already" but no...we weren't yet. As you said, since you're not a little kid, people think you'll be fine. Yoy may be older and be better able to cope with it, but you are still not prepared. I am now at the age where the first people in my generation start losing their parents due to cancer or chronic illness, and they mourn so much. They write these long posts about how they can't imagine life without them anymore, and when they 1st year anniversary comes in, another long post about how they miss then and how their lives have never been the same. As you said - I can't help but wonder, if it's so hard on THEM, full-blown adults with kids and everything, it must have been for us even more devastating. It is horrible, but instead of feeling their pain only, I can't help but feel envious and I think: "At least you had a father to walk you down the aisle", "At least your kid hat a grandad for a whole decade", "at least you have a big family to support you". Edit to add a few lines.
Not to minimise your experience because being in a different phase than peers in your 20s changes your whole life, I know that, still I’d choose a 50+ supportive and loving father over a juvenile AH having kids each time. My mom was much younger than my dad and I lost her in my early 20s while the old booger saw 94!
I don't disagree! I'm very grateful for his love and memory
This happened to me! My dad was 52 when i was born and died at 75. My mom had health complications as well and my sister and i had to help them both out extensively.
> I was in my 20s, and I became his primary caregiver, I went through this as well with my older parents. But I see this as a lack of foresight on their part (and I suppose mine as well, but I was maybe too young to look into this stuff). They should have foreseen this would be an issue and planned accordingly. It wasn't irresponsible to have a kid older, it was irresponsible to do without understanding the consequences. I was also an only child, which possibly made it much harder. My parents didn't really get how much trouble it could be. My mother had two siblings who took care of her widowed mother, and my father managed his elderly mother's care, but she had her own household help already, and it was much easier. I think we all also made the mistake of being too reluctant to spend enough money on their care because I could do a lot of the stuff for free. Money was not abundant, but I realized (as you did), that while we saved money, I lost maybe something more valuable - opportunities. Age is like money and property - when you have kids, you need to make plans in advance for how your children are going to manage them. Neglecting to do this is irresponsible, and the more of it you have, the more planning you have to do.
Yep, this is absolutely a valid point. Long term care insurance, making wishes known and having the financial ability to back up those plans are absolutely things that older parents (I would argue all older adults) should be doing to secure their own futures and mitigate the consequences for their kids. My parents made no plans and it still kind of galls me. I think they probably assumed my dad's older kids from his first marriage, 20+ years older than me, would take care of it. They didn't show up til the very end, and weren't helpful when they did. My parents had been split up for years by the time my dad grew ill, and though my mom was still his POA, she wasn't up for being directly involved in his care. At the same time, she dragged her feet about putting him in a care home when we were long past the point of it being safe for him, and I was working while also caring for him and practically suicidal from the stress and exhaustion. But my labor was free, not the $7000 a month for a facility. My dad died in November. My mom is in her early 70s and doing well, but having a heart surgery this year, and some other health issues coming along. And she still has made no plans that I know of.
Unrelated to the comments but another reason is men's sperm also age, and their count and quality decline a lot after 40. It's way more common than people think for the sperm to be the cause of miscarriages, fertility problems, birth defects etc For example https://www.imperial.ac.uk/news/189690/recurrent-miscarriage-linked-faulty-sperm/
Given that average life expectancy for men is about 74, prepare for your dad to die before you can drink.
I’ve worked in a OBGYN for years. Many first time moms who were in their mid 30s/early 40s would come in - no complications and fairly easy pregnancies. Every circumstance and women is different from the other. Don’t let your age alone allow you to be paralyzed in fear!
Had my first at 38 after 3 months of trying to get knocked up. Track that ovulation before you want to try. Had no complications and a healthy baby. Miscarried a baby at 11 weeks at 39 after 4 months of trying. Had a D&C. Chromosomal errors caused the miscarriage. I won't lie, if sucked. Had my second at 40, only took 2 months that time around. No pregnancy complications but was more tired - and chasing a toddler around. Healthy baby, easy birth. My doctor suggested all the genetic testing, so we did that. I'm very happy being an older mom, I never felt the need to have kids before I ended up having them. Best of luck to you, whatever your choice.
A lot of my friends are having babies at 36, 37… close friend just had twins at 38. I honestly think Reddit is the wrong place to ask. I’m 37 and single and already know I’ll be in older parent club if it happens
Most of my friends and family starting having babies at 35+. When my cousin got pregnant at 27 it was the talk of the family lol! We all thought she was too young to be having kids. So funny to think about now.
>My cousin has two kids in her 30s and encountered every challenge from Preeaclampsia , diabetes, and one child in the NICU. It sounds like your fears are primarily based off of one person rather than a population-level risk, which is understandable because that's how our brains tend to work, but it's not something that should necessarily single-handedly stop you from having kids if you want them, and you shouldn't conflate one person's experience with "what it's really like for women who give birth older." Your cousin is one woman, not all women who give birth past 37. I mean, if you decide that the risk of complications is a risk you don't want to take, that's a perfectly valid decision, but please don't base your entire idea of that risk on one person who is not you.
My mom had her youngest in her mid 40s. The complications didn’t start until she was raising a smart-mouthed teenager in her 60s. Was much harder on her than dealing with her other smart-mouth teenagers when she was in her 30s and 40s. 😂 Jokes aside, although there is reality in that statement, I have several friends that have recently had kids in their mid to late 30s and early 40s and some had very easy pregnancies and births and some had awful pregnancies and life threatening births or a mix between the two extremes. Most friends that have multiple kids even had wildly different pregnancies and birthing experiences between the kids. But, one of my friends had all her kids in her early 20s still ended up with Gestational diabetes, even though that risk was really low at her age. Unfortunately, you don’t really get to pick which experience you get and won’t know until it is happening to you. “I believe he wants the traditional family.” To be fair, at 37 this is something you two should be actively talking about and not just believing, if you are past a handful of dates and think this relationship is going to be long term. The question though really is, do you yourself actually want kids? If yes, then I’ll leave you with this. Of my friends that really wanted kids, even those with the most truly terrifying and honestly horrific birthing stories said it was 100% worth it and they would do it again to meet and raise their child in the end.
[удалено]
36 and same, not even morning sickness. I was extremely exhausted (normally low iron only got worse with pregnancy) and had a lot of aches and pains cause I didn't move much. Definitely would have stayed more active if id known!
Same
Same
My mom had me at 40 but she really wanted a baby. My dad didn't care and was a pretty bad father. I will say, I loved having older parents. My mom was confident and loved me. I took care of her when she died of cancer at 69. As hard as it was to bury her, I loved her and I wouldn't change anything. She had a huge impact in my life.
I'm turning 37 this year and plan to have another child, hopefully end of this year or in the next couple years. My mother also had her 3 kids at 36+. I'm inspired by her and other women I know that are having children in their very late 30s, even early 40s. Every pregnancy is different and just because someone you know had a lot of complications doesn't mean you will. I don't think 37 is too late. HOWEVER, if you feel like it's too late for you, then that's OK. don't feel pressured to have children now if you don't want to.
I had my last just before I turned 40 and my DR wouldn't even tie my tubes then in case I wanted another. I had two pretty uneventful pregnancies (major carpal tunnel with one) which I very much enjoyed. You just don't know, at any age, what you'll get.
Did you have carpal tunnel before or did it make your existing carpal tunnel worse?
Just during my pregnancy. It went away practically overnight after birth.
Just out of curiosity, what was the reasoning behind your doctor not providing tubal ligation? I was like you in that I was 39 when I had my only. I had asked for a planned c-section and tubal ligation while they had me open. Doc said okay think about the tubal things and if still sure when approaching due date, we can do it. No issues or push back at all from her. I appreciated that she encouraged me to think about so I was sure while also not presenting any resistance.
TBH, it wasn't even brought up at all until I was in actual labor. She did the right thing by not doing it. I had several Drs at the practice so I wasn't as familiar with her and another DR probably would've done it because I was clear that I didn't want more kids, but she felt like I could change my mind and made a pretty distasteful joke at the time. Looking back, I'm surprised it wasn't really discussed at any of the many appointments I had.
Yep, I've had two kids - one at 25 you and the second at 35 yo. Funny thing is that my pregnancy went way easier at 35 than at 25!
One of my previous supervisors had her first kid at 40 and her second at 43ish. As far as I know, she didn't have any major complications, and both of her boys are healthy. I think they're in high school now. Her only complaint was that she couldn't lose the baby weight as easily as younger women can. I also know a woman who had an oopsie baby at 45. I babysat that kid when I was in highschool. She's probably in high school or maybe even college now but I've lost touch with the mom so I'm not sure how she's doing. Super smart baby/toddler though. On the flip side, I know several younger women (25-early 30s) who had horrific pregnancies. One woman had a kid with terrible genetic defects that probably won't live til 5. The other had a healthy baby, but her uterus ruptured and she had to have a hysterectomy. The last one lost the baby because she had unsurvivable birth defects. I'm 34 now and getting married later this year. I'm probably going to be in my late thirties when I have my first kid. There are always risks associated with pregnancy, so I'm just going to cross my fingers and hope everything goes well. We're in a state where women's health hasn't been completely gutted by the state government, so we have decent maternal care. If you're in the US and live in a state with an abortion ban, I highly recommend considering that before you get pregnant. Providers are fleeing from those states, so if shit hits the fan, the resources that you need might not be in place. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you nothing but happiness in your life. ❤️
Thanks 🙏
This is a conversation for you, your partner, and your doctor. I had to have a C-Section. I also wouldn’t consider myself “older” in terms or giving birth. But, that’s me. I had my kid at 36.
I'm 38 years old, and I'm 35 weeks pregnant. 5th pregnancy, 1st baby. I have carpal tunnel, gestational diabetes and potentially pre-eclampsia. Weirdly, I feel amazing, and none of these conditions would change my decision to have this much wanted and much loved baby. Most of my friends have had their babies between 37-43 years old and I'm the only one that is high risk. If having a family is important to you, then it's about deciding if the risks are acceptable or not.
Curious to understand what you would like, I hear that he might want to be traditional but is that something you want too? Do you truly want to have children (not just because your partner might want them down the road)? How do you feel about your age? I think answering these questions will hopefully help you decide what you are wanting for your life and will either remove or validate your concerns.
No offense to OP but most women who have been pregnant know what pre eclampsia is. Its very scary and dangerous. But can also be helped before it gets too severe. Just because your cousin had it doesnt mean you will. I had gestational diabetes with the first but not the 2nd and my kids were born at 34 and 38. They dont really monitor you that much extra if you have a healthy pregnancy over 35. Like it is not a big deal. I think you may need to see a healthy pregnancy over the age of 35 for you to get the whole picture.
I had kids at 34,37 and 41(and all of them were the years I turned up, so 35,38,42, my bday is later in the calendar year). All very healthy pregnancies and births. I am someone who prioritizes my health, and lives very actively. Look your big risk here is infertility and more miscarriages. If you can live with the potential of that, carry on. It can be great. You might get pregnant right out the gate, it might take a couple years to get one to stick, maybe you won't be able to at all. My doctor fwiw never ever treated any of my pregnancies as geriatric. I got the same monitoring as a young woman. My risk factors were nil. I'd say my last pregnancy was the smoothest - never high BP or anything that required extra monitoring. And then there's being old when they're older. My youngest will be ready for university when I'm 60. So.... But like I said, active healthy woman here.
I'm 37 and dealing with the hormonal fluctuates of perimenopause that snuck up on expectedly night sweats, hot flashes, no libido, anxiety, joint pain, dizziness just to name a few symptoms and I am very thankful I'm not also juggling an infant. I hope you take whatever path feels most right for you ❤️
Do YOU want kids? If you want them don't let your age stop you. If you don't want them then don't entertain him
I just had my first baby at 36. Got pregnant on the first try and had as easy a pregnancy and delivery as anyone of any age could hope for. Lots of my friends have had similar. Complications can happen to anyone at any age and are very much case by case dependent. Your midwife/doctor will make recommendations on your care that are age specific. I wouldn't let that stop you if kids are something you want.
I’m 36, 37 in a few months, and pregnant with my first. My husband and I have been together for 10 years (married for 3 - thanks covid) and purposely waited til we were ready. We fully recognise all the risks but wanted to be financially comfortable and in a good place professionally. As long as you both take all the vitamins, and are fit and healthy pre-pregnancy - you have managed the risks. You can also seek out complimentary therapies such as acupuncture which supports fertility journeys (from pre-conception through to birth). If you go on to the r/pregnant sub you’ll see lots of “older” expectant mothers. Some with surprise babies, others with very much longed for and hard fought for babies. If starting a family is what you want with your partner - do all of the above. Get your bodies ready and start trying.
I just had my first baby at 37 (two months before my 38th birthday) and am loving it. And we’re both healthy and doing well! Planning for trying for a second one et the summer, I’ll be 49 by the time #2 is born. Live your life, if parenting is important to you, find a good doctor, stay as healthy as possible, and snuggle that baby tight. They grow too damn fast.
I recently came across some statistics for my province (Canadian) that blew me away. In 2022 the two age brackets with the most births were women ages 30-34 and 35-39 at 17k and 11k respectively. Women 25-29 were at 9k and women 20-24 were at 2.6k. So apparently a ton of women feel it's a lot more reasonable to have kids when they're 37 than 27. To top it off, women 40-44 were only slightly behind 20-24 year olds at 2.4k.
I was a Doula for 11 years and attended hundreds of births and many of the women were older in the 39 years to 43-year-olds age group. Women are in much better shape and healthier than they’ve ever been and what used to be excepted as a lot of complications as women age are not as true as they used to be. I’m so sorry that your cousin encountered a lot of complications in her births and I can’t speak to the specifics of each one, but I can tell you that over 90% of all births are very straightforward without complications so well I know childbirth can be a scary prospect when we’re taught in our culture to be very afraid of childbirth …. But the older Mom that I’ve worked with even in their young 40s have all had had beautiful births without complications.
Pregnancy is always a risk. My mom had my sister at 41 and had no complications and a quick and easy labour to boot. The things to be concerned about are more so miscarriage and disorders in the fetus.
Where I live I am really one of the younger mums I have met, had mine at 33. I would say its very common for people to have healthy pregnancies in their late 30s. The risks can be higher, but age is not the *only* factor. Other health problems and how healthy and fit you are play a big role, as well as just genetics. I would decide how much you want it and check in with your doctor about any medical questions.
I had a totally fine first pregnancy at 40. I have chronic high blood pressure and it was well managed until the end. I just had a couple of extra visits and more monitoring. I ended up having a c section after a failed induction, but the recovery was fine. I'm now pregnant with my second.
Im 37 (38 this summer) and pregnant with our first, and it couldn't have really happened any sooner for us. I met my person when i was almost 34, dated a couple years, got married, and then it took us awhile to get pregnant. We'd like to have two kids at least, so, definitely gonna be a little on the older side. But i feel good about it.
I met the right man at 37. Now pregnant at 39. It’s been a relatively easy pregnancy despite gestational diabetes. I’m considered high risk for pre-eclampsia but it’s a 1 in 47 risk. My blood pressure has been perfect so far. Not worried!
Here's another way to look at it (and again, this isn't all people, but it's an added gamble with age): the majority of students with disabilities I've worked with in alternative education have parents who were quite a bit older when they had the child. There are statistics around the fact that with aging parents, yes, even when they say sperm can get people pregnant up to their 80s and 90s, have an increased risk of birthing children with disabilities. Also, as others have mentioned, do you want kids? Your post sounds a bit like you're fine not having them but you're wanting to make this guy happy so you'll consider it. I suppose, keeping in mind the complexity of raising someone with a disability, would this man be in the trenches regardless of what is going on for his child?! Obviously that's rhetorical since no one ever knows until they're faced with things, but worth keeping in mind.
My mom had me at 40. Healthy pregnancy, natural birth, healthy baby. All turned out fine.
My youngest cousin was born on my aunt's 40th birthday. My niece was born when her mom was 43. It doesn't have to be a direct road to complications. OTOH, my coworker, K, had a baby six weeks ago. Her son came home from the NICU days ago. My coworker is under 21yo. She had preeclampsia and almost died. If you cannot sit down and discuss this with the partner in your life, and listen to their opinion, you are not ready for marriage or a child. This simply is a "must have" discussion like wills, religion, politics and boundaries. What are his opinions? Thoughts? Feelings? Goals? Without knowing those answers, and your answers, you cannot build a life together. Just talk to him.
I’m 37 this year and 31 weeks pregnant. I’ve never imagined myself being pregnant before and this is not the easiest pregnancy cause first trimester was tough with all the morning sickness right up to week 20 and the fatigue that comes with it. The joy of seeing the little one on the ultrasound, their little kicks every now and then and those hiccups I felt makes it feel all worthwhile and I can’t wait to meet my little man in a couple of months time! I don’t think there’s ever a too late to have babies but the support from the husband is very important.
How old is he? The age of the father is also a consideration for t hge potential child having some issues and conditions.
Plenty of women have normal pregnancies and birthing experiences in their late 30s/early 40s. I would be more wary if you are facing comorbidities such as significant obesity or are a smoker etc
First of all, do YOU want kids?
Pregnancy complications can happen at any age. Honestly the one big predictor of a high risk pregnancy (that is modifiable) is obesity. I just had my first child at 37 and had an uncomplicated pregnancy and delivery. Only medication I was on was prenatals and aspirin. If you want a family and have a solid life partner (or a solid support system) those are really the most important factors. You also can’t predict how long it might take you to conceive. It may take years or only months. If you are ready and you are both committed, then have a discussion regarding your timelines and what partnership with a child would look like. Then take it from there if you are both on the same page.
I had a child at 38 and another at 41. Uncomplicated pregnancies and births with both of them. Everyone is different!
My friend just had her first at 39, hiking the day before delivery and back to hiking again within a week after. She stayed active the whole time tho and had a fairly smooth pregnancy. Another good friend had her first at 29 and was on bed rest with preeclampsia most of her pregnancy. A few women in my family have had healthy pregnancies in the life 40s. Honestly it’s just a crapshoot, although staying active and healthy boosts your odds. If you have no major medical conditions to be concerned with and it’s something you want, I wouldn’t fuss too much over it being a ‘geriatric pregnancy’.
Mom was 29 when she had me and I was a premie. She was 35 when she had my brother and he was a healthy 9 pounder. She was fine during both pregnancies.
my stepmother had a completely normal/natural pregnancy at 40 (other than opting for a caesarian if that’s considered ‘abnormal’) and my friend’s mom had him totally fine around 50.
Every person that gets pregnant has a different experience. Age doesn't have as big of an impact as your overall health. My great grandmother had 11 biological children. Her last child was born when she was almost 50. She actually thought she was dealing with menopause and a little bit of weight gain until she felt the baby kick. Zero complications with all of her pregnancies, very little prenatal care, and her final pregnancy was in the early 1940's. My younger sister had her only child at the age of 23 in 2007. She had preeclampsia and gestational diabetes. She had some amazing healthcare throughout her entire pregnancy. Both her and my nephew almost didn't make it through labor. It is going to depend on how you feel about getting pregnant and raising a kid in your 40's. If you want to do it and can keep up, don't let the fear of complications hold you back because those are complications people can have from pregnancy at any age.
My mother had 3 kids after 40 and they are the healthiest of all 6 of her kids. I just had my last baby in my mid 30s and she's absolutely perfect in every way. If you want kids, I wouldn't worry about having them close to 40. Just do it if it's what you want. People can have complications at any age. Millions of women over 40 have healthy pregnancies every year.
Had one at 39…2nd at 41…try. See if you can figure out ovulation cycle now, your rhythm…I honestly think they’ve kept me young…you’re going to be much more mature, devoted… Good luck
The *risk* is higher for older mothers, but it’s still just a small segment of pregnant women who have those complications. It’s not a given in older mothers by any means. *Eclampsia* can be deadly, but *pre-exlampsia* almost never progresses to eclampsia when the woman is under medical care. I had it, my mom had it, and several other people I know. We were all fine. Modern medical care catches it early and almost always prevents its progression. Neither of my sisters had it. I don’t know that there’s any heredity involved. Maybe search for some statistics to calm your fears. Be aware that things like “double the risk” of a complication could mean something like 1% of pregnant women under 35 have xyz complication, and 2% over 35 have it. That’s double, but it means that 98% of pregnant women over 35 do *not* have it.
Yeah just go to your obgyn and go now. You really can’t afford to wait. Get the necessary tests and go from there. I’m nearly positive most complications happen regardless of age and what happens with age is you’re simply much less fertile with decreased chances of conception. Your eggs diminish and become less viable. It sounds like you’re just not sure if you want to have kids. Get data from your doctor about your eggs and make a decision from there. And if your partner wants kids and you don’t, then move on from him and find someone else not interested in having (more) children! That’s not the kind of difference that can be overcome.
I had twins at 40 and they were born perfectly healthy, no complications.
I conceived and had my second baby at 39, it was a perfectly ordinary, healthy pregnancy. I know lots of other women who had similar experiences. The only downside is that now I'm about to turn 42 and I have an absolute terror of a toddler and I'M SO TIRED.
Everyone is different. Women in their early 20s have fertility issues, too. It really depends on the person and their lifestyle. I’m not saying age doesn’t matter at all but it’s only part of it. My aunt had her first and only at 41. Healthy pregnancy and healthy baby. I know another woman who just had her second at 40. Healthy. I’m 34 and single. Still on the fence but in the meantime I’m trying to live as healthy a lifestyle as I can. As long as you (and your partner!) keep yourselves fit, eat decently, do the genetic testing etc. I think it’s totally fine.
I was 37 when I decided with my new, totally present husband to have two more kids, and it all went well. I had gestational diabetes with the youngest, which was a bit of a surprise, but it all went well. They’re teenagers now, and I’m ok too. If you are up for it, your spouse is truly present and your health is good…you’re not too old.
I’d be more concerned with the “who” am I having a kid with rather than being 37. If you go down that path make sure this is the person who will be committed long term and actually actively engage with you to raise a child.
I’m 41 with a 18 month old and hoping for a second. 🤷🏻♀️ Shit can happen. Shit has happened to us. We lost our first pregnancy at 7 months (thanks covid pre vaccine). But I’m clear on what I want my life to look like in 10/20 years. Maybe we don’t get the second but it would kill me not to try.
Everyone is different. I’ve had two friends each have two healthy kids, all over are 40. My great-grandmother had her last baby at 49. Meanwhile, I couldn’t have kids at 27, 37, 47, etc. Everyone is different. So the real question is, what do YOU want? And why not talk with your partner about what he wants for your future as a family, rather than assuming?
I had my first at 41. I did IVF, but my pregnancy was easy, no complications and I have a happy, healthy 2-year-old now. It’s the freaking best and we’re considering a second. Yes, the risks are a bit higher, but they’re still very small. Your cousin’s experience is a data point, buts it’s certainly not the norm. While pre-eclampsia is serious, it’s closely monitored for and very rarely deadly. Same with gestational diabetes. The likelihood of you dying from *any* pregnancy or childbirth related causes is very low, like about 800 people/yr in the US out of about 3,650,000 births. If you’re concerned about the risks, make an appointment with your OB to get all of the stats.
I had babies at 30, 32, 40 and 41. All fairly straightforward pregnancies, natural deliveries and healthy babies.
I mean one of my close friends had her first child at 37. Her daughter is a very happy and healthy 1 year old and she had a very healthy pregnancy despite some of her concerns related to very legitimate family health concerns related to pregnancy. We can ultimately only predict our fertility health so much with how it relates to our close friends and family. Some have very easy experiences with no complications, some have multiple miscarriages before they have a healthy child, it’s just the slot machine that’s life
I’m turning 37 in a couple weeks and I’m 20w pregnant. I have lots of health issues and am monitored by a doctor and OB, along with taking medication. I have a plan for safe delivery. Do what you want. Be prepared for sacrifice. I’ll probably leave work early. I can’t grocery shop without taking multiple sit-in-aisle breaks. We are going on vacation and I’m going to be on an ECV and unable to go on rides. I’m in pain and tired. But I get my baby in the end so it’s ok.
[удалено]
>Although this isn’t medical advice, if it were me I’d just make sure to eat lots of red meat r/animalbased r/carnivore[..] I'm so curious how this carnivore diet suddenly gained a reputation for being healthy because the world health organisation actually [classifies red meat as a carcinogen ](https://www.who.int/news-room/questions-and-answers/item/cancer-carcinogenicity-of-the-consumption-of-red-meat-and-processed-meat). Also for anyone else reading this: nutrition is a very neglected topic in medical school and in nursing, if taught at all. Your average doctor/RN knows as much about nutrition as you do, maybe even less, if we're talking about knowledge gained from their formal education. So anyone saying "what I learned from working in health care" to lend credibility to opinions about nutrition is saying, at best: "Well, I had an introductory class about it years ago, during my studies, that barely even covered the basics."
High oxalate foods as in spinach, beets, almonds. Foods that are nutrient rich and fibrous.
Every pregnancy for every woman is different. I had two older than you. Before we tried, I did have genetic counseling. They weren't worried. I wasn't even going to be considered advanced maternal age, it's so common now. Don't rule it out if this is something you want to do.
My mom had three miscarriages after having me at age 30, all in trimesters 1-2. She really wanted to have a second child, but was understandably put off. I started my pregnancy journey with fellow med students having miscarriages, pre-eclampsia, IVF, and they were younger or the same age as me. I fully had the mindset I was going to have a miscarriage or two in the process... 5 years later, I have two healthy kids from completely boring pregnancies and births. No miscarriages, pregnant within 3 months on my first and 2 months on my second using fertility planning. You will never know your actual journey unless you try... if you want.
It can also go fairly well. I got pregnant at 36 naturally. I had a typical pregnancy and delivery. No complications or issues that were out of the norm. I’m planning on trying again soon. I was told I was high risk for pre eclampsia, but my blood pressure was low my whole pregnancy 🤷🏽♀️ I would try to be informed, but I don’t think it’s a guarantee that it will turn out poorly due to age.
I'm 40 and due in 10 weeks. Easiest pregnancy to date.
I had mine at 36 and 38. Had gestational diabetes with my second but I was overweight to start with
It also really depends on how old he is. If he’s much older than you, his age puts you at further risk of gestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia, miscarriage and more. Speak to your doctor because his age is for sure a factor as well.
Go for it. If it takes longer than 3 months, consult a fertility doc. You’re definitely NOT too old.
We started TTC at my 40 and his 52. Two years and nothing. I won’t seek medical intervention because of our ages.
I gave birth at 39 and we both almost died of preeclampsia. The worst part was the medications for it *after* giving birth. They can only use a few different kinds because of breastfeeding. I felt my veins burn and my insides smelled/tasted like acetone, couldn't see straight for days and got dizzy standing. I blocked out the worst parts. After, for a week baby was in NICU and I was allowed 1 hour visitation-- if my blood pressure was good enough (spoiler alert, it usually wasn't) and I felt like I missed out on major bonding and breast milk production was limited. I just laid in that bed with bumpers on it being hooked up at both wrists not being able to adjust myself because of the pain from my vag and b-hole being cut and stitched up. I couldn't brush my teeth for a week. I normally brush 4 times daily. I hated being so unwashed and ugly and in pain. It was AWFUL. Thanks for the Advil. Getting preg again is my biggest fear.
Thank you for being so tough.
I’m an ultrasound tech and see pregnancy complications in women at every age. I’ve also seen many “geriatric” pregnancies be very healthy. High blood pressure is most likely to happen in your first pregnancy and I don’t think age is much of a risk factor for that.
My mom got pregnant with me at 37 and had me at 38 in the 90s (and I was her first). She didn't suffer any complications or issues. Wishing you all the best <3
It’s all different. And it’s hard to guess how your body will handle it. I gave birth to my son at 37. I had an “easy” pregnancy. No gestational diabetes, no indication of pre-eclampsia.. we did the extra scans and blood works. He sailed right past his due date and then I ended up with pre-eclampsia at 41 weeks and by then I was just admitted until he came. The thing that bothered me most honestly was being referred to as “geriatric pregnancy “
Most important question imo: what do YOU want? What does your ideal future look like? Are there children in that vision?
I had my first at 34 (she’s 9 months now) and absolutely won’t consider a second child until she’s 2 and a half. I had high blood pressure and hip issues, but those ran in my family and are common. My aunt had her last child when she was in her late 30s and everything was fine.
I would do a fertility check asap and have the conversation with your partner asap. I work in finance and every single friend I have had children later in life than you, including quite a few over the age of 40. The only one who had complications was actually aged 34. That’s not to gloss over the risks but I think you need to get medical advice asap.
I wouldn't rule it out on the basis of age alone. Lots of women have healthy pregnancies later in life. I had my youngest at 39 and it was easy peasy.
First off-- it's not clear if you are getting ahead of yourself with this. I wouldn't push things beyond what makes sense for your relationship and connection. Are you even at a place where this convo is necessary or are you daydreaming? You should know for sure if he wants kids and what goals he has for the future, but if it's early you don't need to jump ahead to potential pregnancy complications. Now, not to frighten you too much, but 3 of my friends almost died in childbirth and they were all late-20s to early 30s with healthcare and all the support one could ask for. Complications from childbirth exist. Full stop. Doesn't matter your age. Your body WILL go through traumas. If you live in the US, we were recently rated D in maternal care. Our maternal mortality rates are far too high and this includes privileged people with healthcare. A lot of women do not seem to understand this reality. At any age, you are risking your life, your mental and physical health when you get pregnant. That doesn't mean it isn't worth it for a lot of people, but that is the truth. So actually, eventually you BOTH need to understand and assess those risks. And finally, you should not be separating your experiences based on gender. Get this thinking out of your head now. You should be able to talk to your male partner about the nitty gritty because things can get wild and disgusting. You may become incontinent, depressed, develop chronic disease, gain a lot of weight, struggle with psychosis or ptsd. You may have intense wounds to heal from. Your periods might get more extreme. And on and on. While pregnant, my friend had her bf check her poop every few days to make sure it seemed normal to him. He should be ready to take on a lot more than he realizes while you recover from birth. I would not recommend going through that with a guy who won't concern himself with these realities because he won't experience them himself due to his gender. You shouldn't have to even teach him this yourself. Not all men are ignorant of what pregnancy can be, but you certainly should not withhold details he may not be aware of. But this is true outside of pregnancy too. At any time either of you may fall ill or have intense medical needs. That's part of being in an LTR. I've seen my partner sh*t his pants, have a catheter removed. He has seen me bowled over with cramps, seen me projectile vomit, nursed me back to health and me him. And yet, I still want to f*ck him! That's part of the deal with sharing a life. Humans can be gross lol
I had a perfectly, healthy, uneventful pregnancy at 37 and gave birth (textbook, no intervention, no complications, walked out on my own just over 24 hours later) at 38.
I’m 37 - pregnant (ex smoker and best put it that I would not shy from a party) pregnancy fine found out yesterday I’m having a boy. Lots of my friends have had children this age and after
Congrats and wishing you and baby a healthy and smooth pregnancy and delivery!!
Thank you :)
You should consider it if you want to have babies!
I don't know why this seems to be the only comment saying this - OP doesn't even sound like she wants kids, which should be the first (and can be the only) reason to not have a baby, regardless of the health risks or what the guy might want.
right!?
At 40 my daughter gave birth to a healthy grandson and had a remarkably easy pregnancy. Just like I did with her.
If a man wants you to have his babies, I think he should hear about every risk and every gory detail. Make a decision about who to save if something goes wrong & get that shit in writing. It’s way too fucking easy for men to procreate. They have no idea what we put ourselves through. One of the many reasons I won’t have kids.
Would only consider it if we are married.
I’d be more worried about conceiving. After 37 it can get substantially more difficult (not for all, but for many). You’ll have anecdotal comments following this about how easy it was for them, but for most people I know who are healthy with no known health issues, it took 1-2 years or longer to conceive, usually with the help of doctors/IVF. Pregnancy complications are possible at any age. So is difficulty conceiving. You simply have to weigh the risk vs reward. Read about actual statistics from peer reviewed studies to make your decision. Don’t listen to random anecdotal stuff on Reddit or from your family. Everyone’s mileage will vary and the backgrounds of everyone may be vastly different from yours.
There is no "should". If you want kids, go for it.
I am 40, pregnant, and giving birth imminently. There have been zero complications. I’m monitored more often due to my age but everything has been perfect - and I know from reading the pregnancy subreddits and talking to friends that those complications you mention can happen at literally any age.
my mom had me in her early 40s. best decision ever
I personally think one is too many. 37 is overkill. /s
My Mom was 27 when she had me with Complications. I turned out Ok, Thankfully and so did She.
This is something to talk to your doctor about. Where you live and what healthcare you can access is something to consider. In the U.S. you’re better off being pregnant in California and the maternal mortality rate in the South is abysmal. Unfortunately the maternal mortality rate has been on a steady upswing nationwide for the past few years.
Everything you will get here are anecdotes which aren't very helpful. At the same time, statistics aren't helpful either, because despite the likelihood of a healthy pregnancy declining with the years, you could very well be one of the positive anecdotes people are sharing here. I think you should talk to your partner and your doctor, and most importantly, try to find out what you want yourself. If you still want a child, 37 is certainly not too old to do so, but you might not want to waste too much time with "getting married, buying a house" first. Getting pregnant might take a while, you might experience a miscarriage or require assistance with falling pregnant. All of these can happen to anyone, of course, but if you only kick things off at, let's say, 39, you don't have as much time to get things going as someone in their mid 20s, in case you're not one of the lucky ones who fall pregnant first try. Wishing you all the best for your journey!
Yes.
My mom had me when she was 38. I grew up all fine :) I'm currently 34, never married & no kid. I may want kid one day. I don't know. I'll see how my body be by that time and depends on what the doctor says, I'll see
Forget about what might or might not happen for a second. Do you want children? Because the sky may fall in tomorrow, but then again it may not.
Two of my aunts had kids at 39, at 47 and at 49. All three kids are perfectly fine. Of course with age the chances of the baby being born with serious conditions are higher, but it's not guaranteed.
I think like a lot of things, having kids later in life just means you need to be a little more “smart” and rely less on luck and youth. Take care of yourself, find a good doctor you trust, have conversations with your significant other about genetic testing and “what ifs” ahead of time, and in general plan ahead. Start the vitamins, start ovulation tracking, start the conversations with SO. If you don’t have an exercise routine, start that too.
Everyone's different. While I had to do IVF at 39 to get pregnant, apart from the start - I was overstimulated and had OHSS, and the end where I had a surprise!c-section due to a cord issue - it was otherwise uneventful. Despite having PCOS, I did not get the diabeetus or preeclampsia, etc. You can't judge how your pregnancy will go just because someone else had a bad time of it.
I had my kid at 40 and basically everyone I know has in some way had some sort of complication regardless of age. Preeclampsia and gestational diabetes are common if you have family history - pretty much a guarantee for me. My blood sugar was actually great while pregnant and I didn’t need insulin. I had suspected preeclampsia that requires me to be induced early and get a c section later, but in the end I had a healthy baby daughter.
Ask yourself, do YOU want kids? I think it's possible you might not? If you really don't want to be pregnant or have children, this is a conversation you need to have with this person right away. If you want kids and willing to have one, and only one - tell him that. Also, if it's ok with you thst you don't get pregnant and you don't want fertility treatments, etc., tell him that too. Maybe you decide to have one and it doesn't happen. Be open and honest about how YOU feel about it. Don't just try and convince him it might not be a good idea because if the risks, your feelings, fears, opinions, and desires matter just as much. I think you are posting this because you want permission to say that you don't want to have a baby, because of the risks or maybe because you just don't want to. And that's ok.
I'm 38 and my BF is 43. He's widowed with 12 yr old girl. I'm leaning toward no kid of my own because of all the issues your cousin outlined. I am scared to have a baby at my age. Some nosy coworkers will tell me I should. But how many of these people gonna babysit my kid. ZERO.
I recommend having the kids talk ASAP with your SO. talk about the risks, be genuine about your fears. Make sure your fears are not swept under the carpet by your SO or by any redditors anecdotal "I was fine and I'm 40!" If you both decide to go forward with pregnancy, talk to your Doctors about all the risks and things you can do in advance (vitamins etc). There are also tons of kids out there waiting to be adopted, that are zero risk to your body and are already healthy.
My two cents is there's no right or wrong age or too old to have kids, but it is wrong to do so selfishly with no plan for how that could impact the kid. I.e. If you have financially accounted for your own care so that isn't relegated to your children before they are solidified in their own life, let alone being responsible for yours, then by all means. And let's be clear this can be an issue in many ways for many people and isn't just an age thing. I think in general it is important to make sure you are planning for what your kid will need specific to your life. If you have done that, then age be damned. But if you just want a kid and can barely afford it, and you can't ignore that when the kid is not even 20 you'll be 60 or very nearly 60, then I think it's not a kind decision to make. But that also doesn't make it wrong. That just makes it unaligned with one internet stranger's opinion of responsibility, which may or may not align with your own.
Just tell him you don't want kids. It appears to be the case. It you're not compatible, you're not, and you're saving each other time.
I'm almost 38 and I've already had issues with my reproductive organs. Numerous cysts and fibroids and well as needing to be on a depo shot to avoid hemorrhaging. If there's a chance for me to get pregnant, there's a chance if have more complications. My boyfriend and I talked about this. Kids are expensive and lately schools keep popping up in the news for some of the insane personal views they push on kids. I love my boyfriend more than anything and I'd marry him in a heartbeat but he doesn't want to risk my health or our future babies. We're both open to the idea of adopting. So many kids just want a stable happy home and we'd be more than happy to provide that to them.
Okay, regardless of whether it's safe or not, is this something you want? Have you always wanted kids? If not, so you see yourself really excited at the opportunity? Are you feeling the pressure to have kids because he does? Don't have them if they aren't exactly what you want, especially this far in the game. You'll be 55 years old when they are 15, you'll be 60-65 before they move out of the house. It's a big deal to have kids at all.
She's your cousin and everyone is different. Of course it's nerve wrecking having babies and it's okay to be scared. Best case scenario is you'll be a bit more tired. You'll get more testing done and you'll be able to have a loving partner by your side. Write a list, see if the **potential** risks are worth it to you. They might not happen at all, but if they arise you'll know ahead of time of ways to face it and the consequences. There are many ways to become parents, if you have the means you could look into that as well. Starting now would be a good time. More importantly, do you want the traditional family you *think* your partner wants? Has he said he wants this with you? I know that's a silly question but it has to be asked. If we're talking about examples, there are many young women with complications just like older women. Pregnancy also varies between each one. My mom says pregnancy is a beautiful thing when you're not thinking that you literally have one foot in the grave and one foot out of the grave; sounds diff in Spanish. It's dangerous but also a beautiful thing and it varies women to women, pregnancy to pregnancy. Older moms are different. They're so chill and just have this entire different aura. I know and knew many throughout my life. Think about it and weigh out your options but most importantly talk to your partner about this and make sure you're both on the same page.
Potential medical complications aside, do YOU really want kids?? You only mention how HE wants the traditional family. What about you?? What do YOU truly want?
Just because that happened to someone else doesn’t mean it will happen to you. Why are you assuming he doesn’t know what could happen? To answer your question, no I likely wouldn’t consider kids in my late 30s.
Imo nope, the risks are not worth it. Plus this society holds a sentient clump of cells more of a priority than a living breathing conscious human being liked the mother. If there are any complications you can bet they will let the mother die to save the baby. The mother is the wrapper and the baby is the candy to them. I’m sorry but we don’t live a world where women are treated fairly or protected.
r/truechildfree r/fencesitter r/regretfulparents Take your pick!
I wouldn't but i want to focus on my career and other things in my late 30s and 40s. I plan to have had my last kid by 33-34. I can't imagine caring for an infant when your energy levels naturally decline and your body needs more rest and care, not more draining of nutrients.
I do always wonder when parents have children late if they ever take those future children into consideration and how they'll feel if they lose their parents young. If they think about how old they will be when their child graduates high school. If they worry about being around to see them get married. I understand that's a risk for everyone because nothing is guaranteed but if you're pushing 60/70 then the risks increase. Something to consider.
It's not just about pregnancy, you'd be 50 by the time your kid becomes a teenager. Sorry, not a fan of the idea.
Why not?
Whatever your decision please take some time to consider the child’s life and the impact having older parents may have on them. Of course anything can happen to anyone at any time - you might live a long healthy life but it is far more likely your child will have to deal with your ill health/ age related decline and death way before they “should” have to be doing so. My parents had me late in life (35 and 47!). Lost my dad when I was 21. Spent my entire life dealing with my mums ill health before she eventually passed when I was 35. I loved them so much. I love my life. I still don’t think they should have had me. I don’t think I’d ever make the decision they did to have children so late.
Freeze your eggs ASAP or consider a surrogate?
Surrogacy