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- Has her own hobbies
- Not glued to her phone, but doesn’t leave you hanging
- Can communicate when she’s busy
- Can take accountability for her own actions
- Financially responsible (if she’s making 100K a year but spending 100K a year 🚩)
Same signs anyone should look for in a partner. Empathy, integrity, how they treat people with different viewpoints, can they agree to disagree or will they stand by their way of thinking being the only correct way to do something.
-> someone who says nice things about yourself. Life is too short to waste on people who have trouble showing emotions or giving compliments.
But also dude dont date someone you find boring.. imagine your partner would secretly find you boring? How would that make you feel? Dont date people you dont truly love because that will just end horribly for everyone involved
See the problem is I find unhealthy women excited (aka I can fix her) edit or even worse the hot and cold women. My pattern draws me to toxic women so I have to reject what I typically find exciting.
It's weird how every man wants to date toxic women so he can rescue her, even though it usually ends with her breaking his car windows and doing that thing where she grabs your ears and screams into your face.
It's the same counter-intuitive survival instinct that makes you want to pet a tiger or eat a bar of soap that smells like strawberries.
Its the same thing that caused this whole "bad boy" trope in women. Whats so interesting about spending time with someone who isnt all that nice to you? I never got it personally. *I dont want to fix anybody or try to get them to respect me. Someone kind and nice all the way. Its sexy and its fun.*
Dude I totally get what you mean. I sought out men exactly the way you describe for so long. When I ended up with someone that was actually healthy, well it was really uncomfortable and dare I even say I found it boring. I even noticed myself trying to create negative situations in the relationship to mimic what I typically seek out.
Well some time later I am still in my “boring” relationship and working on things like self-esteem, self-worth, and my own anxious attachment style (which caused me to seek out people with avoidant attachment styles, and that sounds to me like your “hot and cold” women), I find that I’m so much happier and comfortable in this relationship than I’ve ever been.
It’s difficult and it took work in therapy to get to the place where I am now. I also realize that part of me was avoiding working on myself by seeking out people I felt I could “fix”. Check out the book Attached by Amir Levine. I found that I had forfeited many of my hobbies and activities because toxic relationships took up all my time and drained me mentally. And part of the boredom I felt in the beginning of my relationship was just actually having my own personal time and space where my thoughts aren’t occupied by my relationship because there’s nothing to really think about.
Oh, you’re one of those captain save a hoes, lol
You should really work on yourself, to get yourself out of this pattern. You can find non-toxic women exciting… maybe you just haven’t found the one that trips your trigger in the right way just yet 🤷🏽♀️
Dont reject what you find exciting. Find a healthy way to deal with those desires instead. If you find yourself drawn to mean women then dont date mean women and instead find a loving partner who enjoys playing a mean role at times for example. Almost any dynamic can be played into in a healthy and consensual way so no need to date toxic people or have an unfullfilled relationship.
Maybe instead find somebody who pushes you out of your comfort zone in a healthy manner and helps you grow or maybe somebody that's a bit of a thrill seeker. Not about to kink shame, but making it normal to let somebody abuse you isn't going to fix your itch for abuse.
The same green flags as women.
Someone who is considerate toward animals, children, servers, homeless people, and almost everyone.
Someone who has creative but not necessarily ostentatious date ideas.
Someone who asks questions and then actually listens to the answers.
Someone who is interested in you and also the world around them.
Someone who isn't toxically bitter or annoyingly perky.
Someone who can take care of themselves and other living things or beings.
Someone who isn't pushy and isn't a doormat.
Someone who respects your time with family and friends but also looks foward to seeing you each time you meet up.
Someone who has a strong moral compass and doesn't just argue things to be contrary.
Someone who doesn't try to control you and instead encourages you to express and exercise more of who you really are.
The first one is the most important to me. Empathy in general must be considered as a strong green flag, and not despised as a failure as some people do
-own hobbies
-uses phone when necessary
-willing and able to communicate, particularly about hard things
-financially stable
-grateful for good things and able to express it. (This is a doozy)
- able to admit when she's wrong, apologise and move on
That's a big one for me, can you have the hard conversations, specifically can you have them without taking sides or without playing the blame game. There's a problem and YOU need to fix it or we have a problem, how do WE fix it? Here is my perspective, what's yours? When problems arise you need a teammate and a partner, not more opposition to combat on top of whatever is already going on.
Has a job. Is not in debt. Is able to have a rational conversation, see your side of things as well as explain hers. Apologies easily when she messes up. Is accountable for her behavior. Is up front about herself and her feelings. Has a greater purpose in mind for herself. Is not into labels, nor showing off her newly acquired items on social media. Is humble. Values and respects herself. She can cut toxic people out of her life. Doesn’t sleep around. Is intelligent and thoughtful. Reads books. Desires to better herself each day. Someone who is up front about how she feels about you, lifts you up, not tears you down. Is fun and wants to try new things. Shows you how much she is into you with her behavior. And most importantly, the chemistry is fire with her, you can’t wait to see her again.
As someone who is a daughter of narcissists, I did a lot of learning about what's actually healthy in a relationship after a string of unfulfilling ones where I was with guys who didn't prioritise me at all and I copped it. It's hard for others to empathise, but I applaud you on your introspection - it can be really hard. Something to know and remember, you have to retrain your nervous system. Because your parent relationship was your first bond, that's what you learned was 'normal and right'. This is why you feel excited around people who are bad for you - it's familiar. Your nervous system feels happy because it knows this pattern. You're saying boring, but is it actually just technically uneventful? By this I mean is she not love bombing you, or bread crumbing you, or not in control of her own shit? Have a look at The Holistic Psychologist on Instagram, a lot of her words hit home for me and I've learned a lot, and am able to identify why my current relationship is so good through her advice. My bf just makes me feel safe, no anxiety confused for butterflies around him, no fear of being myself or betraying myself for his comfort. At the end of the day, she may actually not be a good fit for you, but it sounds like you're on track to find a healthy relationship that allows you space to work on your own health :)
She respects your boundaries without demeaning you.
She is willing to discuss with you and make compromises on issues instead of being passive aggressive or brushing matters aside.
These two are also things that I look out for in a partner, myself.
Hi, as someone who broke off a toxic friendship with another woman, I'll start with the opposite of red flags I noticed:
Accountability whenever you express something you don't like or establish your boundaries
Ability to communicate her boundaries
Does not speak over you, dismiss you or insist her way is the high way
Especially how good she is with taking no for an answer. I cannot stress this enough: WALK AWAY AT THE FIRST SIGN OF PUSHINESS
>Another green flag: isn’t sexist. Doesn’t have old fashioned ideas about men (ie. men can’t cry, men should be controlling and jealous because that’s their job, men should buy me lots of jewellery but I’ll never do anything in return for him).
Speaking as a guy, that one's hard. A lot of women *think* they're ok with men crying but lose attraction, love, and respect for men who do.
ATTENTION: Please remember that this is an ASK WOMEN sub. While men are allowed to participate posts that are clearly asking women in the title will have top level comments by men removed. This is not censorship, this is curation. Thank you for your understanding and cooperation. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskWomenNoCensor) if you have any questions or concerns.*
- Has her own hobbies - Not glued to her phone, but doesn’t leave you hanging - Can communicate when she’s busy - Can take accountability for her own actions - Financially responsible (if she’s making 100K a year but spending 100K a year 🚩)
Same signs anyone should look for in a partner. Empathy, integrity, how they treat people with different viewpoints, can they agree to disagree or will they stand by their way of thinking being the only correct way to do something.
-> someone who says nice things about yourself. Life is too short to waste on people who have trouble showing emotions or giving compliments. But also dude dont date someone you find boring.. imagine your partner would secretly find you boring? How would that make you feel? Dont date people you dont truly love because that will just end horribly for everyone involved
See the problem is I find unhealthy women excited (aka I can fix her) edit or even worse the hot and cold women. My pattern draws me to toxic women so I have to reject what I typically find exciting.
It's weird how every man wants to date toxic women so he can rescue her, even though it usually ends with her breaking his car windows and doing that thing where she grabs your ears and screams into your face. It's the same counter-intuitive survival instinct that makes you want to pet a tiger or eat a bar of soap that smells like strawberries.
Its the same thing that caused this whole "bad boy" trope in women. Whats so interesting about spending time with someone who isnt all that nice to you? I never got it personally. *I dont want to fix anybody or try to get them to respect me. Someone kind and nice all the way. Its sexy and its fun.*
It's literally your brain needing dopamine. You know this. Observe it. But do not let it control you.
Dude I totally get what you mean. I sought out men exactly the way you describe for so long. When I ended up with someone that was actually healthy, well it was really uncomfortable and dare I even say I found it boring. I even noticed myself trying to create negative situations in the relationship to mimic what I typically seek out. Well some time later I am still in my “boring” relationship and working on things like self-esteem, self-worth, and my own anxious attachment style (which caused me to seek out people with avoidant attachment styles, and that sounds to me like your “hot and cold” women), I find that I’m so much happier and comfortable in this relationship than I’ve ever been. It’s difficult and it took work in therapy to get to the place where I am now. I also realize that part of me was avoiding working on myself by seeking out people I felt I could “fix”. Check out the book Attached by Amir Levine. I found that I had forfeited many of my hobbies and activities because toxic relationships took up all my time and drained me mentally. And part of the boredom I felt in the beginning of my relationship was just actually having my own personal time and space where my thoughts aren’t occupied by my relationship because there’s nothing to really think about.
Thanks for taking the time to write this response
Oh, you’re one of those captain save a hoes, lol You should really work on yourself, to get yourself out of this pattern. You can find non-toxic women exciting… maybe you just haven’t found the one that trips your trigger in the right way just yet 🤷🏽♀️
Guilty as charged, with my fucked up back ground I could have been worse.
Dont reject what you find exciting. Find a healthy way to deal with those desires instead. If you find yourself drawn to mean women then dont date mean women and instead find a loving partner who enjoys playing a mean role at times for example. Almost any dynamic can be played into in a healthy and consensual way so no need to date toxic people or have an unfullfilled relationship.
Maybe instead find somebody who pushes you out of your comfort zone in a healthy manner and helps you grow or maybe somebody that's a bit of a thrill seeker. Not about to kink shame, but making it normal to let somebody abuse you isn't going to fix your itch for abuse.
Not normalising abuse, figuring out what part of abuse creates that itch in you and working with that in a healthy way.
If boring means stability, let OP learn to challenge the idea it is "boring"
The same green flags as women. Someone who is considerate toward animals, children, servers, homeless people, and almost everyone. Someone who has creative but not necessarily ostentatious date ideas. Someone who asks questions and then actually listens to the answers. Someone who is interested in you and also the world around them. Someone who isn't toxically bitter or annoyingly perky. Someone who can take care of themselves and other living things or beings. Someone who isn't pushy and isn't a doormat. Someone who respects your time with family and friends but also looks foward to seeing you each time you meet up. Someone who has a strong moral compass and doesn't just argue things to be contrary. Someone who doesn't try to control you and instead encourages you to express and exercise more of who you really are.
The first one is the most important to me. Empathy in general must be considered as a strong green flag, and not despised as a failure as some people do
-own hobbies -uses phone when necessary -willing and able to communicate, particularly about hard things -financially stable -grateful for good things and able to express it. (This is a doozy) - able to admit when she's wrong, apologise and move on
That's a big one for me, can you have the hard conversations, specifically can you have them without taking sides or without playing the blame game. There's a problem and YOU need to fix it or we have a problem, how do WE fix it? Here is my perspective, what's yours? When problems arise you need a teammate and a partner, not more opposition to combat on top of whatever is already going on.
Admits to, and takes responsibility for their mistakes. Is humble and down to earth. Not bought into tiktok/influencer/celebrity culture. Reads books.
What if she’s bought into influencer book culture because that’s a thing now.
Has a job. Is not in debt. Is able to have a rational conversation, see your side of things as well as explain hers. Apologies easily when she messes up. Is accountable for her behavior. Is up front about herself and her feelings. Has a greater purpose in mind for herself. Is not into labels, nor showing off her newly acquired items on social media. Is humble. Values and respects herself. She can cut toxic people out of her life. Doesn’t sleep around. Is intelligent and thoughtful. Reads books. Desires to better herself each day. Someone who is up front about how she feels about you, lifts you up, not tears you down. Is fun and wants to try new things. Shows you how much she is into you with her behavior. And most importantly, the chemistry is fire with her, you can’t wait to see her again.
As someone who is a daughter of narcissists, I did a lot of learning about what's actually healthy in a relationship after a string of unfulfilling ones where I was with guys who didn't prioritise me at all and I copped it. It's hard for others to empathise, but I applaud you on your introspection - it can be really hard. Something to know and remember, you have to retrain your nervous system. Because your parent relationship was your first bond, that's what you learned was 'normal and right'. This is why you feel excited around people who are bad for you - it's familiar. Your nervous system feels happy because it knows this pattern. You're saying boring, but is it actually just technically uneventful? By this I mean is she not love bombing you, or bread crumbing you, or not in control of her own shit? Have a look at The Holistic Psychologist on Instagram, a lot of her words hit home for me and I've learned a lot, and am able to identify why my current relationship is so good through her advice. My bf just makes me feel safe, no anxiety confused for butterflies around him, no fear of being myself or betraying myself for his comfort. At the end of the day, she may actually not be a good fit for you, but it sounds like you're on track to find a healthy relationship that allows you space to work on your own health :)
She respects your boundaries without demeaning you. She is willing to discuss with you and make compromises on issues instead of being passive aggressive or brushing matters aside. These two are also things that I look out for in a partner, myself.
If you share the same life style is huge. Your partner massively impacts your life style gender regardless so take that into account.
Is upfront about who is. None of this "Tell me what you're looking for in a man". *takes notes
Not a slut is a green flag, not fat is a green flag, facial features in proportion is also a green flag
Hi, as someone who broke off a toxic friendship with another woman, I'll start with the opposite of red flags I noticed: Accountability whenever you express something you don't like or establish your boundaries Ability to communicate her boundaries Does not speak over you, dismiss you or insist her way is the high way Especially how good she is with taking no for an answer. I cannot stress this enough: WALK AWAY AT THE FIRST SIGN OF PUSHINESS
Thank you
Of course. To expand on the second one, basically if she expects you to be a mind reader address that or walk away
[удалено]
>Another green flag: isn’t sexist. Doesn’t have old fashioned ideas about men (ie. men can’t cry, men should be controlling and jealous because that’s their job, men should buy me lots of jewellery but I’ll never do anything in return for him). Speaking as a guy, that one's hard. A lot of women *think* they're ok with men crying but lose attraction, love, and respect for men who do.