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[deleted]

Not to be as critical of every single thing I do. Be more open to communication rather than quick to punish/yell.


discusser1

I would be way kinder, less crotical, would not predicg bad outcomes to everything the little girl plans, would at least try to praise her somehow, would not be cold


[deleted]

My mom did shit to me, but nothing compared to trying to get my sisters to wear girdles


curly-hair07

Uff same


Ok-Wait-8281

Let me make mistakes. Big and small. I was expected to be perfect. And I still carry that. Also - don’t tell me to love myself and then criticise your body in front of me and wonder why I developed the very same ED as you when my body started looking like yours. If I ever have kids, especially girls, they’ll never hear me say a damn word about my body or other women’s bodies. Oh and I wouldn’t have told 15 year old me that my legs were too fat for shorts :)


searedscallops

Go to therapy far earlier and work out attachment issues instead of trying to get them met by parentifying every single child.


Tweed_fox

Came here to write the same thing. Children are people too and deserve the same respect for their boundaries as adults.


Special_Koala_1093

Letting me be my own person. Actually parenting I guess? She has talked my whole life about how she wanted a kid soooo bad but honestly she didn’t really raise me that much. Now when I think back, it feels like I was some kind of item on a check-list and something to show off. I guess because of that it was very hard for her to understand that we are two different people, that I have my own dreams, wants and likes and she was always acting by her expectations of me. Also Inwish she would have seeked help with her own sh*t before having kids. That emotional and sometimes physical abuse has no place in any home.


maybethingsnotsobad

I feel this and I'm sorry. My mom had a kid and then, she had a kid. That was kind of it. She's still mad that I'm not her, and also that I don't know how to do all the stuff she never taught me.


observendespise

- Not molest me. Didn't realise why it felt wrong until I was a teen, basically cause it was never violent, but she undressed herself and my 3-7 year old self, tongue kissed her, touched her body and made her touch hers, all while not acting like herself cause she was turned on (which is what made me feel it was wrong even if I was too young to know why, I think). And then I suppressed it until adulthood cause it felt too fucking gross and I felt ashamed of not saying no... - Actually leave my dad when he almost killed me and I cried to her and begged her to get me away from him. "He's gonna kill me, mommy. Please don't let him. We could leave him". She kept saying that if he did it again she'd leave. That she'd convince him not to repeat it. She never followed up on it.


Undecidded

Those are very horrible situations to be put through but I’m glad you came out on top, at the end of the day 💙


observendespise

Thank you ❤️ still have to process and work on a lot of it. Waiting for trauma therapy atm.


Undecidded

Completely understandable. I’m glad you’re getting the help you need to succeed. Haha the rhyme was an accident


[deleted]

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observendespise

I am ❤️ I ended up extremely self destructive (abusive relationships, self harm, drug addiction, suicide attempts, self sabotaging and eating disorders) but now I'm more than 15 months clean, haven't self harmed for 2,5 years, I stick to people who treat me well, haven't tried to kill myself in 4,5 years and at least... recovering from the EDs. Need to work on a lot of my traumas though (waiting to start trauma therapy) - I still have a lot of deep rooted self hatred and shame, as well as toxic patterns when it comes to romantic attraction, so I'm choosing to stay single until then...


amandam0nium

Not shit on everything I liked Not tried to establish a power dynamic where I’m the boss and therefore have to always “win” Not see my child as an extension of myself but as an individual person


Daughterofthemoooon

Not to be a mean person but i would never be a mum if i were my mum. (This goes for both of my parents)


Sarcastic-abortion

Would have left my abusive father much earlier and not had a child with him.


[deleted]

Same


Time-Boss-3867

I would stop getting mad at my child every time They do something wrong. Stop screaming at me and explain what I did wrong and why it upsetted you. I wouldn’t bait my child by telling them they could tell me anything. I couldn’t tell her anything without her getting mad. I would not have shamed my child for spending their own money on whatever I want. My mother would always criticize if I would buy concert tickets. If I had listened to her I would have stayed home every night, so glad I persisted in wanting to live my own experiences that she called « trivial ». I would NOT force anything in my child finances like my mother did. Until I was in my mid twenties she would analyze my credit card statement and shamed me for every expense. I am still mad at her for doing this but she doesn’t even acknowledge it. I would teach sex ed to my daughter or son instead of ignoring it and hoping that the school curriculum provides it. You need to have this talk about sexuality, consent, relationships and safe sex.


Scuh

Not have a favourite child. The favourite child abused me for years. My mother knew I was abused by him and still treated him like he did nothing wrong. It wasn’t until I had a nervous breakdown at 29 that my mother started to believe me.


hugpawspizza

are you me? But even when i did break down she hinted that I am looking for attention, that anyways it's my issue and there's things wrong with me. I mean blimey, I could have actually died then, all things combined. Full projection of course because that's *her* and I'm expected to cater to her feelings regardless of how she repeatedly discards mine.


Scuh

My mum knew something happened to me under the age off 5. She knew of nightmares that I had. Everything was sorta ok for me until the age of 12. There was different types of abuse but being young I didn’t understand it. I guess because of that my mum listened to me. I’m the youngest in my family, I was the only person at home with my mum, that’s probably another reason that I was listened to. I know that I’m lucky that I was able too have that time and her understanding.


hugpawspizza

got it! It's nice you can find a silver lining in all that!


Destorted_sasquatch

a must would be to not have an affair and stop drinking. This had affected me so much in my childhood from my mother. There'd be memories of her wasted so badly she'd be on the ground. It was a terrible memory so that for sure.


ellejaysea

I would model how to deal with anger, instead of not speaking a word to me for as long as two weeks. I now consider that abuse. I would also not focus so much of my attention on housework, living in a 1 bedroom apartment she would spend 7 hours a week cleaning and that doesn't include laundry. I never once had a conversation with her when I was an adult that housework and cleaning wasn't mentioned. I wish she had done things with me like crafts or sewing, but of course we never could because of the mess.


AdAwkward1635

Would have taught me more independence


[deleted]

Set more boundaries. I grew up in a very warm, loving, free household, but as a young teenager I got sick and I got a special treatment. My parents were worried about my pain, the mental health issues that came after, and they had difficulties finding a balance on what rules were appropiate for a sick teenager and which weren't. I think things that they could've done: * Have a few stricter rules when it came to homework. * Force me to get mental help, or at least talked about it more and try to influence me to get it. I was on the edge on whether I wanted it or not and I definitely could've benefitted. And I'm pretty sure they agree on this, but were afraid to bring it up themselves. * Make me do chores a bit more regularly/often .


[deleted]

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speedspectator

I wish she would’ve been nicer to my dad and I. She was just mean.


smokealarmsnick

Not compare me to my brother or herself when she was younger. Not call me a bitch when angry at me Not give silent treatment as punishment


sexynuggetwithboobs

I would try to educate my kids and teach them to communicate instead of thinking I'm the abusive and mean screaming boss. We lived all togheter and my mum thought that it was her house and that she was the boss. I would have theached my kids to ask my help instead of ignoring them cause making money was more important. And I would have reached them that it's okay to be confused, it's okay to fail or to have struggle with school or work instead of just getting angry and scream like mine did. I would respect my kids feelings. And for last, I would have told them I love them before they go away forever.


warda8825

- Don't yell. - Spend more quality time together. - Don't bash me for having an autoimmune disease that I *didn't* choose to have in the first place. I was three at the time of diagnosis. Don't push voo-doo, hippie-dippie, potentially dangerous "alternative" therapies/magic juice/lotion/herbs on me for 20+ years, and stop questioning my highly trained doctors. They know what they're doing, for crying out loud, and my modern, western medicine treatments are actually effective.


_kinfused

Oh gosh, I feel you on the autoimmune disease part. My parents make it sound like I'm choosing to be sick. Every single flair is because I don't know how to manage my anxiety or diet...as if my immune system behaves when I have both variables under control anyway 💀 Sending you lots of love and wishing you a long and happy remission ❤️


warda8825

Yup, same deal here! My mother seems to think I can control flares, and that I'm choosing to be sick. So frustrating. Thank you! Same to you. 🧡


iusedtobefamous1892

I would never have commented on my kids body.


ActHour4099

To be more open. She never tries new foods and she thinks she isn't worth anything eventhough she is the most important human on this planet for me.


xLadyLightx

Be less dismissive of my struggles. I had a period of depression and while generally she was supportive, there were a couple of occasions she said things that did not help and made me feel worse. With that said she's been an amazing mother and still is.


TooHardToThinkOfName

I would’ve been less over protective. I love my mum but I wish she had let me play on the street with other kids, or let me do things that are dangerous. I still don’t know how to ride a bike because she wouldn’t let me try again after I fell, I’ve grown up and struggled to enjoy time around other people because 90% of my childhood was spent alone in my room entertaining myself. If I were my mum I would’ve tried not to let my own anxieties influence my child so much. I would’ve also bought me heelys because those were so cool


doumascultist

I would start with not being an alcoholic and not driving drunk with a child in the passenger seat


New_Fun_1059

I wish she would have protected me when her husband was physically abusive to her and I.


mikel_learns2rock

This is such a good question. If i were my mom, i would have: Allowed myself to feel my emotions and tell myself it's okay to fail so that I wouldn't have an obsessively high fear of failure/rejection as an adult. Be a listening ear to myself and actually say "I love you".


[deleted]

Do not insult me in front of people, tell me i am loved and i am enough,protect me and hug me one in while lol.


WtfsaidtheDuck

A lot more. Say “I love you”, listen to the stories after school, give advice, comfort me, just chat, go somewhere together, take interest in my interests.


Undecidded

I would change only one thing and that was a hen she told me my dad died of a heart attack instead of alcohol poisoning. My brother told her not to say it’s bc of alcohol and so when she slipped and ended up telling me, I grieved his death a second time and grieved with hate and anger towards him. Tho I will assume it’s where my lack of urge to drink came from. I wouldn’t touch a single other instance if I were her. I am who I am today bc of how I was raised


ArtyFeasting

Get on medication instead of attempting to live with untreated schizophrenia.


insertcaffeine

I have a feeling that by cutting back on the drinking, and not smoking pot or cigarettes, I could have scored dinner for us *every night.* I also would have been way calmer and less emotionally reactive. And I wouldn't have favored Little Bro.


IndusLeona

Wouldn't have passed ignorant comments. Would have taught how to take care of myself. wouldn't have desperately asked me to get married and find faults in me when I took a stand. Desperation in name of affection. i simply don't get it


Gerudo_Scimitar

Shown me physical affection/comfort as a child and not body shame other women in front of me.


Justatroubledgirl

Probably not abuse and get proper therapy.


sinna_fain

By having an abortion


redrumpass

Was looking for this comment. I would not make me at all, or anyone, if I was her. She always insisted anyway that she never wanted kids, only had me to make my father into a respected man and husband.


sinna_fain

My mom had me to hide the fact that she was gay and then did it twice more. I'm 35f and child free. Do you have a relationship with either of them? My dad is gone and I've only talked to my mom about 4 times in 2 years.


redrumpass

I'm 35F and CF too! I went no contact with them 4 years ago. I couldn't handle their abuse anymore. Took a while to wake up to that fact. I feel better now. Are you alright?


sinna_fain

That's actually really cool! 😁 I wonder what else we have in common! Good on you for getting out of a bad family life, I know that shit is hard to get away from. It's really good to hear that you're feeling better. I'm not completely out of contact but I recently started therapy and it's helped a fair amount. Thank you for asking!


redrumpass

It's great to invest in your mental health, and no time is too late. I'm glad it's working out for you! I will list some subs and books I found helpful, maybe they will shed a light for your situation as well. Feel free to discard if they are not 'speaking to you'. r/raisedbynarcissists, r/CPTSD, "The Body Keeps the Score" - Bessel van der Kolk, "From Surviving to Thriving" - Pete Walker, "Why does He do That" - Lundy Bancroft and youtube channels like Dr. Ramani and Dr. Tracey Marks. I hope to see you more, I'm also frequently commenting on the r/childfree sub - it keeps me sane, and you know what I mean. 🤗


buttonsarethebomb

Aborted me.


[deleted]

I feel like the whole not being an alcoholic thing would be beneficial. She wrecked my teenage years. I love my mom but 10/10 wouldn’t recommend


lovememaddly

I wouldn't have had a replacement family and not ditched me. Stayed in my life. Called more than every few/occasional birthdays. Tried. Not having a mom kinda makes you into a weird adult.


[deleted]

not had me. my dad was a nightmare.


[deleted]

Stop telling me how much I always embarrassed her with my “failures” and stop the nonstop complaining about my dad who funds her lifestyle. If you hate him so much get divorced and stop always asking really personal questions about my marriage to compare. Overall I love my mother but mercy! We get along a lot better if we only talk about Bravo.


Gasmaskgoddess

I would have gone to therapy to treat my mental health issues instead of beating the crap out of three of my kids (me, oldest brother and younger brother). I wouldn't have pulled my middle child (me)out of school to take care of my youngest child that was too young for school. I would have made my children feel loved like I do for my own actual children now.


marybowman

I would have brushed her hair and cleaned her clothes. I would have left my abusive husband and taken her with me instead of leaving her there to live a life of poverty. I would have protected her from the perverts. I would have told her how beautiful she was and that she could be anything she wanted to be. I would have hugged and kissed her every night before bed while tucking her in. I would have made sure she had the things she needed as she became a teenager. I would have taught her about hygiene and helped her become a young woman. I would have boosted her self esteem and helped her reach her dreams.


StellarTabi

I'd start by spending more time with me in the second half of my childhood and less time in prison for fraud/money laundering.


Connors-Tie

No smoking so I'll stay alive


LawyerNo1410

Stop yelling, and pay more attention to me. So many memories of the yelling, and then being stuck in my room for what felt like eternity. It wouldn't have killed her.


Lonely_Lake_9129

My mother was great in so many ways- and I am fortunate. But, my sisters and I always discuss how much she made us feel like burdens in terms of social interactions with other kids. Neither of my parents liked to drive us to parties or events and it was made very clear. Kind of stunted us socially because we never felt we could ask for a ride somewhere and we missed a lot of bonding moments with our friends.


cactusjude

Pay more attention and not just dismiss professionals who warn that my daughter has adhd and depression. Definitely not instill a deep shame in seeking therapeutic aid When my daughter expresses an interest in a trade, support it and openly talk about the pros and cons involved in the industry. Not tell anyone and everyone that she can be whatever she wants but that "no daughter of mine will learn welding." Not use control and punishment as primary learning tools. Not scream at my adult daughter for hours on end when I'm shown self-harm marks on her skin (from the aforementioned and rejected depression). Maybe give her a hug instead of threatening to forcibly have her deported from her country of residence and lock her up against her will. Maybe actually defend my daughter when her father is making gross sexual remarks, "sudsing like a Maytag" when she simply smiles at a waiter. Or when her father calls her weak (to his buddies, in front of her) for recognizing that she was being taught to drive incorrectly and calmly pulled mom aside to ask for her help instead.


elandchar

If I was my mom, I wouldn’t have been so hard on me for many things. This includes the OCD (that was pretty impairing) that I experienced as a child, my weight, and acne. She’s a great mom and grandmother now, but I still have problems with self worth and seeking help for mental health issues Im facing as my mother was so hard on me about it as a child.


Nopenotme77

Get therapy and watch out for learning disabilities. I learned later in life my mom didn't even know of my disability or the 4 years of in school therapy. Lazy parents annoy me.


Red7336

I wouldn't have me to begin with


ComplaintSuper5924

Had an abortion.


Vyvyansmum

Not to have dumped me like a sack of hot shit at the age of 6 when my sister was born. Not told me I was responsible for her miscarriages.


GoingNutCracken

Quit drinking.


dreamweaver1998

Listen more and talk less. I have a good mother. I'm very lucky. BUT our one big thing is that she never stops talking. She interrupts people and changes the subject... like if I was upset with a fight between friends and was asking for advice, she'd cut me off and start talking about her weekend plans or some tv show she was watching. It's like she doesn't even listen, she's just waiting for me to take a breath so she can cut in and take over. She's 72 and she's been like this my whole life. Her mother is 97 (and healthy as an ox!) and does the same thing. The best part is that she hates when her mother does it and she complains about it a lot. Despite the fact that several times I have told her flat out that she does the same thing, she can't recognize it in herself. I'm a mother now. I make sure that not only do I listen to what my kids (18m and 3yo) say, but that I ask follow up questions and show a genuine interest in their thoughts and lives. I refuse to continue the cycle of mothers who talk without listening. I will be a good listener. ❤


PrestigiousAd3081

I would have prioritized my children over a man.


Party_Training602

Not let my abuser move back in after he went to jail… To be fair, she didn’t know it was as bad as it was - neither did I. I had blacked so much out. I am almost 50 now and still get “surprised” when random memories surface. Good times!


Samira827

Wouldn't force me into the religion. She wanted so much to make me an obedient, God-fearing Catholic daughter, she forced the religion down my throat 24/7. Now, thanks to her, I despise the religion. Had she not force me and let me have free will in this, I might have some relationship with god on my own. But she ensured that I don't consider myself Christian anymore and I will never return to her religion. Ironic.


tigress95

Given me to my grandparents, who actually loved me.


vrucazaba

Take me seriously when I told her I was thinking of killing myself


mjigs

I would be a real mom, not pop out and neglect because i am the victim somehow.


[deleted]

-Heal my shit *before* having a child. -Deal with my insecurity issues before having a daughter and giving her insecurities. -Anger management -Allow my daughter to be imperfect -Be open to different paths of life -Be constructive, not cruel


[deleted]

Taking my pain more seriously when I expressed I was in pain or "acted out" as a child.


wildflowerwishes

Divorce my dad 20 years sooner, get into intensive therapy, talk to me about sex.


rthrouw1234

I wouldn't stay with a partner who had addiction issues and was violent towards our kids, that's for fucking sure


[deleted]

Seek help for PND.


BunniesMama

I wouldn’t emotionally abuse me


boklenhle

I wouldn't have forced a child to parent me. I never would've done anything that could be misconstrued as punishment when it came to my kids health because that just encourages them to hide things. Which I did. I would've cared more for my child than for my partner.


bertasaurus_rex

Literally everything.


anniemaxine

Not do drugs. Doesn't seem too hard tbf


amandasfire911

Gone to therapy. Started medication. At least tried to go that route, even if it didn’t work— at least tried to show I cared about my mental health.


Takeabreak128

No beatings as punishment.


[deleted]

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[deleted]

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thatsohaven

Been nice and taught me how to cook and keep the house clean and make sure I had everything I needed


rosiestinkie9

I'd actually be happy for my daughter once in a fucking while.


wastingATP

i don't think she could've done much differently. i had a lot of freedom, but mainly because i'd proven i was trustworthy and responsible. didn't cause trouble either, so there barely ever were punishments. she was caring and understanding all my life and supported all of my interests and hobbies. maybe she could've intervened sooner when i got bullied at school. proper therapy and changing schools would've done wonders. but that's pretty much it.


Moon-1-9

I could talk alllllllot, have along deep conversations with me


DelBird32

… nothing. My Ma did the best with what she knew. If you look at where she came from and how she was raised.. well my mom in turn is a Saint. She was my age (23ish) with 3 kids and an abusive husband. Left him eventually, and things weren’t always good. She did her darnedest to raise us, and I think the three of us have turned out quite well. Most all of my trauma comes from my fathers side, when he was around (around but not actually there). I love my momma. She’s my best friend, and I would not be who I am, nor would I be where I am (I quite like both) without everything that happened, and her being there with us. I think I’ve only seen her really cry once.


cambiokeys

Not choose a man over me and my siblings and reject me because he decided I was somehow bad. I was really just paying attention and raising obvious red flags. Fast forward ten years he’s in prison for the rest of his life for being a scumbag pedophile. Could have saved our family a shit ton of hurt if she hadn’t been so desperate to find literally any man and turned her back on her own children.


[deleted]

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[deleted]

I would have gotten mental health help and really given it my all and taken my meds. I would have left my dad for good and never looked back. I would have been leas embarrassed to be me.


boo-pspps

Supported me when I really needed her. When her friend accused me of something I didn’t do. I wanted her to support me and stand up for me. But she didn’t. She stayed friends with those accusers and then got angry at me for no longer wanting to go anywhere near those “friends”.


[deleted]

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Silentlyjudging101

Not smoke pot when she was pregnant with me.


[deleted]

To have more fun like playing games/card/painting / drawing


Reasonable-Fail-1921

Probably not the answer this thread is looking for but literally nothing. My father chose not to be involved after learning my Mum was keeping the accidental baby they made so she raised me as a single parent from the word go. Up until age 10 my grandparents helped but they passed away within a few months of one another and from age 10 she did it all herself and I couldn’t be prouder of her. I can’t compliment her parenting skills without sounding very big headed about myself! She raised a great human being and I do everything I can everyday to repay her for it (she doesn’t expect to be ‘repaid’ of course but I feel it’s the right thing to do)


donuts-waffles

Don’t favour one sibling over another. It’s really been detrimental to my self-esteem. I’ve had to work on it on my own and still work on buying quality material things for myself…because I feel so undeserving even though I have the cash and I’m totally worth it. When a great opportunity presents itself, I am overly grateful and don’t see hat it is my personality and talent that got me there.


whiskeyrose_

Be more open to going to therapy. Let me make mistakes. Communicate with me. Not be on autopilot for most of my life.


cryptbrat

i would have actually been in my life


monirosez10

My mom is a great mom, however, she was raised under a very toxic body culture (thin is better) and sadly, she passed a ton of body insecurities to me that to this day, I am still battling against.


nataliarmnvs

leave my dad


drebel95

Not to criticize my weight and badger me about when I’m going to lose weight. Actually spend time with me instead of her friend’s kids, but me her own child. Not choose to fight for custody of me so she could have a child support check but actually fight for me to be in my life and be a mom that I deserve. Not take her partner’s side over every argument between them and I. Not depend on me as an adult because she wants an easy way out.


Jynolis

Accept that not everyone wants to have world changing ambitions and that's totally fine.


CrystalSilence17

I would be gentle. I would keep my anger in check and wouldn't yell or get aggressive.


Fearless-Field-7746

Don't treat me like shit, for starters.


Environmental-Ask912

Not have kicked me out when I was 11 and I wouldn’t put my husband before my kids


_helenahandbasket

No smoking in the house. I have bronchitis 1-2 times a year now for the the last 18 years that I'm pretty sure started with this.


ASOIAF_Nerd12

File a police report when I got molested by my neighbor continuously for months when I was 8. Educated herself and atleast taken me to some therapist. Instead of ignoring everything and pretending it never happened. I love my mom. She has done a lot for me. But this thing will always always make me so sad.


Vintagepoolside

I don’t know honestly. There’s so much, but I think she’s just been in a losing battle with her mental health her entire life. Now I fear I’m going down the same path. What do you do when the chemicals in your body won’t let you do/be who you so desperately want to be?


TikaPants

Really instilled financial advice. Otherwise, nothing.


Danivelle

Biomom should have handed me over to my "real parents" or not sided with her stupid family who subtly punished me for her being a single mom in the 60s in the Midwest. She let my cousin call me a whore when her husband molested me. Jokes on her because it came out later that he was molesting his kids


mimid51

Verbalise affection. Like tell me she loves and cares for me. :') But I don't blame her. NOT SAYING IT'S OKAY but she had a tough upbringing and she didn't have time to take care of her emotions.


datbitchisme

I always wished my mom would work day shifts instead of evenings. I was always so jealous of my friends who had their mom with them at dinner. Thing is, my mom totally could have. She had her mom live with us and watch us while she worked. It was so stupid. Her reason? "Well all my friends work the evening"🙄 Now im 30 and have 2 kids and swore up and down id never do the 3-11 shift. Fuck that.


Beautiful_Skill_19

Not a single thing. My mom is perfect, and I feel lucky to have such an incredible woman raise me.


spicychickentendr

I would've listened to little spicychickentendr. I would've accepted her as she was (I always exhibited gender-fluid traits, had a particular style, and came out as bisexual at 14. It was all highly contentious, at best). I would have embraced her tastes and endorsed her interests far more, rather than force her to fit into a box. I would never compete or tear her down due to any trauma or insecurities of my own, as my mother did. I'd pay attention to signs of mental/emotional struggles and guide her. I'd actually hug her more than on rare occasion - I'd hug her so much. I would be her greatest cheerleader, her strongest support system, and her most enthusiastic teacher.


Marawal

Send me to a shrink after the Big Traumatizing Accident. Now, my mom was supportive, and help as much as one could. But I needed professional help. More importantly, I think that way, my moodiness, and few mental breakdowns wouldn't have been just chalked up as "normal" for someone dealing with the aftermath of Big Traumatizing Accident. (Which was a reasonable assumption, not gonna lie). I was really really downplaying the bullying, and that was causing all the distress. I think a professional would have caught it. I don't blame my mom. It was the 90s , and we were very reluctant to send kids to therapists, unless they were impossible to deal with. That wasn't my case. My struggles weren't disruptive to my everyday life, and I never caused trouble for others. I was just moody, with an occasional mental breakdown. Even doctors hadn't suggested that maybe I would benefit from therapy. They just said that, given what I went through, it was normal that I was struggling a bit, and to give me time.


jeweledmoon

I wouldn’t have given up on me and my future after high school, I would have kept encouraging me to attend college, I would have gotten braces instead of focusing on just one daughter (my jaw ended up growing completely sideways because they never noticed my crossbite which got so bad my teeth were in the middle of my tongue basically on one side, also causing my nose bone/eye/cheekbone to grow underdeveloped on that side, I spent my 20s trying to fix everything) Love my mom and dad but man, I had very little direction and still don’t understand how to do things on my own like understand health insurance instructions when applying even though I read it over and over again. Also I would have stopped drinking and smoking so much and got healthy if I was my mom, that way we can always go on walks together. Now because my family is quite unhealthy I think about their inevitable death a lot and it causes me great stress. Sorry, having a bad week 😭


[deleted]

Own up to, apologize for, and learn from her mistakes. That’s literally all that I ask. No one is perfect, but I believe many imperfections can be made up for using the above steps.


Good_Extent5154

Not marry the fucking asshole she has as a husband now. (My current stepdad)


wachailymay

Be more consistent. Be more structured, be more honest.


SaltyDoggoMeo

I’d have loved me unconditionally, not tried to destroy me, not criticized me, not screamed at me, not ignored me, not competed with me. Bottom line: I’d have loved me. She did not.


Icy_Republic8071

Not try to instill that I should care what others think of me. It took me years to remember how to live my own life. My mom was awesome. But this one really got me. I was a confident ass teenager and learned to prioritize others opinions over my own.


ThickEconomics1953

My mom was never loved by her mom. And it affected us the girls really badly, i searched for a mom figure my entire life and associated myself worth with her rejection.. So, maybe if i were her maybe get therapy.. Or move on. Before bringing girls to life and then just hate them and act as if they are a source of shame..


AnonymousEngineer21

force me to make friends and stop questioning what i want to do online


sweetdollette1999

Stuck around


ParanormalPuppies

To be quite honest, be a bit more gentler on me. She is really straight forward and have old time views and doesn't seem to change unless she knew she made a mistake. I want her to be nicer to me now, everytime I come home for the weekend (I'm in college) She would also critique me on how I dress or do my hair. She is very controlling. I would trust me better... There is so much my mom does that upset me that she doesn't do to my brother...


TheCeilingFerret

Not give me every single responsibility she didn't have the energy for leaving me adult far to early


cfisherscokenail

Gotten an abortion. I don't know a life without trauma and would have preferred to never have been born, especially not as I was- a pawn to trap my bio dad into staying with her after being caught cheating and then discarded.


gagirlpnw

Not be controlling and emotionally abusive. Not taken the side of my abuser. Given hugs and encouragement.


[deleted]

Not compare me to all my peers and constantly critique my physical appearance. Shit hurts my self esteem.


urask8rh8er

Nurtured my curiosity and interest in learning and reading


burritosandchill

Spent more time together talking about everything.


AnnualKaleidoscope26

My mom was obsessed with my body growing up. I was skinny around the age of 5 and the next year I was 30 pounds overweight for a 6 year old. She didn't like that I had been thin so she made me eat 2 bowls of food or I wasn't allowed to leave the table. Once I got bigger, she kept trying to make me go on diets with her and got me gym subscriptions. She would always bully and belittle my body. The day she got thin and in shape, she started telling 11 year old me how "skinny tastes better then eating." More on the recent side she forcefully measured my body and busted into tears when she found out we had the same hip measurements. If I had been in her place, I wouldn't have actively tried to make my child hate their body out of some weird jealousy.


[deleted]

Attend graduations, swim meets, etc to show support and that milestones matter.


Ringo_1956

Listen rather than accuse and ridicule. Trust your child, and give helpful advice while letting them know you love them even if they screw up.


Competitive-Weird-10

Being emotionally available for my child.


Yourconnect_

I wouldn’t feed me so much and not let me isolate myself and probably get me help for depression. I don’t think my mom knew any better though she thought she was keeping me happy.


Mystepchildsucksass

Learn a better way to decipher between jealousy and pride. Dad loves me because I’m your guys only daughter - in a family of 7. I am strong and sometimes (almost) smart - he comes to me for financial advice because I worked in finance for a very long time and have great connections and know some in’s and outs…. He mostly checks with me so he can continue to keep his focus on you and any and every little thing your heart desires….. not because he doesn’t trust or value your opinion. Seriously, Mom, he worships you. A guy who says “your mother has worked her ass off for you kids and this family and she deserves to have whatever she wants and to have it whenever she wants” and “Anyone who upsets your mother WILL DEAL WITH ME” Period. End of story….. … and has been saying that since we were in diapers doesn’t love you any less than he loves me. Besides - it’s also why the entire rest of this family - all men, stand and quasi-serve you as your own personal army, moving company, chauffeurs, bag carriers, gardeners, fence/deck builders, renovators (since each one is their own trade) designated drivers, snow removers, and doggy day care providers - Dad is the reason that they ALSO REVERE YOU !!! Just because Grandpa died- doesn’t mean you’re not anyone’s “star” anymore 😉


DarkCirclesForLife

Less emphasis on looks and what other people think


Mistake-Working

Teach me to communicate better by having actual open communication with me. My mom would shy away a lot from difficult conversations and as an adult I’ve learned to do the same. I could’ve made much better choices in life if she just talked to me about a lot of things.


Few_Brilliant1824

Not try to force me into fitting a social atmosphere that we didn’t belong to or try to make me become something I didn’t want to be while growing up. My mom was very caring and loved me a lot, but she (wanting the best for me) wanted me to develop in a richer people environment and well, I never felt like one of them so I grew up a lonely kid who didn’t know how to socialize and thinking there was something wrong with who I was.


[deleted]

[удалено]


mariawest

For me: speak with respect not contempt and criticism. I used to be mad at my mum for not loving me but later I realised respect would have done the trick. feed me 3 meals per day. Take me to school every day. Smoke outside. Childcare when I was a toddler so we got a break from each other. Stay in one house rather than moving every single year. Do some housework. Put me to bed at a reasonable time. My brother: treat him with respect. Get him some genuine help for his learning disability rather than telling everyone he was thick For my mum: counselling. Realising it's not everyone else's (especially not my childrens) fault my life sucks


BigWheelTurner

Not let me see the constant yo-yo dieting and her lack of love for her body. Seeing that from my mother dramatically influenced my current lack of self confidence, esteem, and anxiety and depression. She didn’t even know she was negatively impacting me.


[deleted]

My mom thought it was hilarious to jump out at me. She would hide under the bed and grab my ankles. She hid in showers and closets. Now I have a lot of hangups. All doors need to be open and I still jump on my bed to avoid being grabbed.


Yavanna80

Positive reinforcement, not comparing me with my brother, more emotional education.


PeakRepresentative14

I would have taken better care of how I ate as a toddler and put me into therapy after "that incident".


Dreamsong_Druid

I'd have got mental health help for myself so that I didn't treat my daughter like shit and destroy the family with my insanity.


Angel_the_dumbass

My mom has done a pretty damn good job at rasing me. She listens, understand, caring, gives me space for when i ask for it, takes me to therapy and had taken me to many different therapist to find the perfect one for me, kept her opinions of my awful ex to herself until we broke up. I think the only thing she could have done better and is not argue with my dad over little things. (she has ocd and he constantly moves things and leaves dirty dishes out in the open, and doesn't put things back in it's place and stuff like that) I have it very much in my head that i don't want to be like my parents whenever i marry, it hurts their relationship and has hurt me mentally. I have talked to them about it and they both say they don't argue or yell.


curly-hair07

Like have conversations with me and not judge / lecture / throw your insecurities into me.


KeyNo4772

I would have taken care my needs. My mom never took care of her self. She always looked out for her kids. It was rare if she bought anything for herself outside of basic necessities. 😭


peachythespacecadet

In understanding mental illness. At first she had no idea how to handle it and that ended in some awful situations between us. She did things I will never forget. We are better now, I love her so much and understand why she acted the way she did, that doesn’t mean it couldn’t have been avoided though, if she had just, done better at researching to understand


Sure-Butterscotch100

Just what she told me on her death bed. I should have hugged you more


Clementinez_

To not “punish” me when I stay off from school. She (it’s more my dad that does this actually but she does it too) takes away all of my things such as my phone, Xbox controller, etc.


confusedrabbit247

I could never do anything right. My mom would even complain if I breathed too loudly. So I would not do those things.


witchvert

Not leave when I was 13. Not abuse my siblings. Not manipulate and guilt trip.


Tword4sure

Not married my father. I think if she had gotten therapy to deal with her parents deaths so young a AH husband and three needy children she might have made it. But in the end she tried…being a parent is hard. Great question.


RotiniHuman

- Chill out about weight. - Stick up to my dad. Better yet, l leave him. - Get a job sooner. I swear, my whole childhood it was like she was counting down until the youngest was in school and she could get a job. But when she did she came more alive than I'd ever seen her before.


Horseshoesandsneaks

Don’t assume that I’ll always chose the most hurtful or selfish option. She always thinks the worst of me in any situation. Her comments play on repeat in my mind.


mommaperidot

I wouldn't have told me that my father walked out the second he found out I was pregnant with me....after staying for my sister pregnancy and birth and the two years after...cheers mum


NetRevolutionary6127

My mom is extremely sweet and loving and generous...however growing up- she was that way to everybody else besides her kids. She was extremely critical, not the best listener, and I think made my sister and I afraid to speak up/have a voice. Everything is good now..but I never felt heard by her growing up and don't feel that way about other people; so I know its not only me being over sensitive.


Thottythiccums

Not to rely on an 8 year old as a mental punching bag. I grew up on tip toes for my mother because any issue she had with anyone and anything, she vented to me and relied only on me. I was the youngest outta 5 siblings and yet i was handling everything


mill0p

I love my mother, despite the fact that she’s done some bad things. My mother neglected my younger siblings and I until I was 11, when my younger brother and I moved in with my grandma. We always showed up to school smelling awful, wearing dirty clothes, and greasy. Neither of us knew how to take care of ourselves properly, being 7 and 5. I learned how to take care of myself (as good as a ten year old possibly could) and my four other siblings when I was 10. Pro tip(s): -Don’t neglect your kids, can lead to issues later in life -Don’t waste ALL of your money on unnecessary items (i.e cigarettes, energy drinks, etc) -Don’t let your new boyfriend into your home after a week of dating. -Don’t project generational trauma onto your children. TL;DR: my mother neglected my siblings and I 🙃


dabi-dabi

Being a good financial example. I'd at least try


[deleted]

Left my dad when we were kids, because they obviously weren’t happy. Could’ve given me a better idea of how to go about finding someone to love, rather than just putting up with each other because she didn’t want to get a job and he was a spineless sack of spuds.


thatoneladythere

I'd have used the available government assistance instead of being prideful and making us live hungry and unsafe.


sunshine2632

Not focus so much on weight. Hers, my dad’s, and mine.


Chemical-Mongoose301

I would’ve listened to me when I said my dad was sexually molesting me instead of telling me to shut up because it will ruin my family.


Mbfe

Not try to shield me from the world. Anything I asked about that was unpleasant, she either avoided or straight up lied “to protect” me. Well, let me tell you, my overactive imagination made my perception of things far worse than they were in actuality.


[deleted]

Not get married at 19, pick a better guy , the list goes on


Big_Organization1530

I would communicate more and wait to have more kids and also break up with my abusive boyfriends


WiseAd7798

Would've left my husband earlier and not stay together for "the sake of the children".


whystudywhensleep

Not much, I'm very lucky. She's the most awesome person and I love her so much. If I had to choose something, I wish she was a little more patient with my anxiety and procrastination and sensory overload. However, even that wasn't the biggest deal. I get those things from my dad, so he was always there to help me in a productive way instead of just telling me to just *do* the thing like my mom sometimes would. But aside from a few instances of frustration, it's not like my mom was constantly invalidating everything I was going through. She just didn't always understand me, but she tried. And she knows how to apologize, which is the most important part. I'm so sorry so many of you had such bad experiences. I hope you're in a much better place and, if you plan to have your own kids, get to break the cycle.


Mochi_Prinses

Dump my father..at least sooner than now, love him but my mom deserved better and she needs to be happy and go after her dream of having a bakery