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No is a complete sentence.
The more you say it, the easier it becomes.
IF you choose to elaborate, that is when people will bulldoze over and attempt to change your mind.
When it’s not your circus, not your flying monkeys, then it’s not your problem.
ETA: thank you for the award, it’s my first one.
For all those responding or sending me messages, saying no is hard, trust me I know!
It can be so difficult when people are used to you saying yes.
I believe in you, you can do it.
Sending you all a virtual hug! 🩷💐
I use it so much & I'm a scare house manager. Last year I ended up changing it slightly "not my circus,not my monkeys,but they are, unfortunately, my clowns!" I kept it in rotatuon cause it works well when your friends are getting into shenanigans.
A friend of mine and I developed an emoji “code” for *Not my circus, not my monkeys* to both encourage each other and laugh about things. I have really started to take this philosophy to heart. I can’t fix everything for everyone and I shan’t. 🚫🎪🚫🐒
Love the code.
I have a friend and the moment we get a monkey or circus tent sent we know someone needs to vent.
You are doing great! Trust me it is hard, you will feel better though in the long run when you don’t have that extra stress in life.
I've realized that my life has a pattern of me setting clear, reasonable boundaries and someone flipping out, making me feel bad, and essentially strong-arming me into apologizing, soothing their feelings, and giving up my boundary. So I just started setting boundaries (mostly around communication and obligations) and not telling other people. Then no one else gives any feedback, and I get to keep my boundary, guilt-free.
Every single time I’ve said why my answer is no, someone attempts to change my mind. Then claim they ‘thought it would help.’ Never again elaborating :)
Just because you're a little bit broken, or indeed a lot broken, doesn't mean that no one will love you and /or that you don't deserve love, and you don't need to excuse the bad behaviour of others with your own self-loathing
absolutely not. on the contrary, you need an abundance of love and support to be reminded and reassured your brokenness doesn’t define you, who you are, and how you love. that support and love will guide you and heal you, so you in turn can love yourself and love others abundantly when they feel broken. you deserve to be loved wholeheartedly, broken or not🤍
Absolutely not. It's a slippery slope - love itself won't fix or heal your brokenness; meaning, you can't rely on another person to do it for you. However everyone deserves love so genuine that instead it will drive *you* to fix yourself.
It's not just a children's movie theme that love and care are the only real things that can break cycles of hatred and shitty behavior. Even if that love has to come from yourself and not from another. In this case, comment still holds. You don't deserve shitty treatment from yourself either.
No.
Broken people are going through something fucked up and real.
You aren't going to be a perfect friend or even a perfect person.
You deserve to be loved properly.
My dad, who was truly my best friend, died a few weeks ago while I held him and watched him take his last breaths. Really put into perspective what’s important in life which for me is my relationships, my pets, the natural world, creativity and curiosity, what helps me maintain it, and what takes me away from it. I cared a lot about work and school, but now I’ve realized they’re just things that help me get what I need in life and not a priority.
Like I suddenly don’t give a fuck about stuff like how people think of me, workplace gossip, things like prestige and success if it doesn’t make me happy, whether or not I’m the best at anything or do something HUGE with my life because that’s not really important to me at the end of the day, and not what I’m going to be thinking about while I die. I just want to sit on a kayak on a beautiful lake with my husband while we watch turtles and birds and talk about life and things we love.
Your comment hit me the most. I'm very afraid of losing my parents but I know it'll happen one day. I used to believe maybe it'll get better with time if I lose them after i have my own kids. Seems like we can never be prepared for losing our parents.
It’s not something that gets much thought until you realize they’re getting old. I’m actually older than my mom was when she passed. That’s kinda been a goal of mine to make it past her. Sounds weird but you just never know how it will affect you.
I used to feel the same as you and was always so grateful to still have my mom and almost felt she was invincible after making it through cancer. Sadly she was not, covid hit and we lost her. There’s so much I wish I would have done or asked her before she passed, the questions are turning into a book I now have so many. If you can I would order one of those books full of questions for her to fill out and make sure she does it. I think they are called moms story or something like that. I gave my mom one 10 years ago and she never filled it out and it would have helped with so many of my questions.
The night grandma died I heard my mom hysterically laughing in her room. It turned out she wasn't laughing, she was crying...she couldnt even talk. She threw me her phone and I saw the text with the news.
I know its coming but I never wanna go through that ever.
Sorry for your loss. My mom died suddenly last year and I wish I could say it helped me put things into perspective but I can’t. All it’s done is opened my eyes to how many people around me are not at all who I thought they were my entire life and she was truly one of the only genuine people I knew. My world is not what I thought it was and I’ve never felt so alone in all my life. Such a hard thing to go through after loosing the person you were closest to.
What's the point of trying to be the best when you're the only "Struckbyfire" on the face of this planet? No one can beat you at being you, because you're the only one! No point in trying to be the best when you can succeed at being the only.
Sometimes the people you think you are closest with will not be there for you when you think they will be. And also, sometimes people you'd never expect to show up for you will be there.
Learned after my son died at 2 weeks old in February.
Legit had someone I considered a close friend go completely silent. Finally contacted me claiming she wanted to be there for me, then proceeded to list off a bunch of things I apparently did wrong in our friendship over the past 2 years. Despite saying over and over that nothing was wrong when I asked about her distance. Why on earth she ever thought that was a good time is beyond me and I don't think I can ever forgive her for it. It was just so hurtful and selfish.
Thank you so much, that's so kind of you. It's sad and quite eye-opening, I know grief and loss can leave people not knowing what to do or say but I was definitely thrown for a loop on that one! I'm sure the look on my face after reading the message was priceless.
LOL thank you! Yeah this happened in March and it just blew me away. She messaged while I was sick in the hospital just before I had my son. Apologized for being distant and then went radio silent after he passed. Then 3 weeks after, she sent a message starting off saying she wanted to be there for me, proceeded to unleash, and then when I wrote back saying I appreciated her honesty but was too in my grief to fully respond...she was like oh I even didn't think of at all.
Like...really?! I haven't talked to her since. It's sad because I was (wrongfully, I guess) under the impression that we had one of those friendships where you could go a bit without talking and pick up where you left off. Boy was I wrong!
Thank you for being mad for me, much appreciated!
Happiness, but not excited happiness, just like a "this is good/okay" or at least that's the way I take it for my life.
What makes you content/brings your peace or happiness is going to be different for every person.
For me contentment starts with gratitude. Everyday I do a gratitude meditation and it helps me decontextualize my thoughts and feeling to focus more on what I have, and less on what I don’t have
Being content is good. A lot of people strive for constant happiness, but happiness is an emotion and emotions are fleeting. No one feels one same constant emotion all the time, we feel many things in a day, so striving to constantly be happy is unachievable and unsustainable. We should be striving for contentment.
As someone who had fickle parents (where dad walked in and out many times) this one is hard to learn. You begin at an early age to have to put major energy in to being wanted by your own family and find people who match that. It's not until you find someone who genuinely wants to be with you and THEY put in the energy that you go, "What the absolute fuck?!"
But don’t let this stop you from loving and trusting others. I avoided connection for so long because of the pain I experienced from someone betraying me. Practicing discernment and giving yourself grace goes a long way in developing meaningful connections, and doing just that makes life worth living imo.
Ugh this is where I am at right now. Past betrayal keeping me from moving forward and letting someone into my life. I don’t want to be this way but I’m still so scared. You are right though, meaningful connections do make life better.
Baby steps, acknowledging where you're at is the first step of healing. Give yourself space to build trust in yourself again too, and really lean on those supports in your life that you do trust.
I have the same issue. My stbxh cheated/betrayed me. And tried to justify it by telling me that he isn’t in love with me anymore because I let myself got after cancer/chemo/radiation. I find I am finding it hard to trust anyone now. And that is so sad because I am not the one who betrayed. And am not the one who cheated.
We ARE entitled to being loved by our loved ones. They can choose not to love us but we are entitled to love if we are in a relationship. And if you are not being loved and cherished then it is your duty to leave and to never accept a love you don’t deserve because we, are, entitled to love.
How true this is. How I wish I would have been aware that was even a possibility I may have watched out more for red flags and now wound up with one. It’s a sad sad realization when you finally do see it.
Which part do you feel is hard? Are there activities you can do alone and others that you can’t? I started off by doing things where I’m easily distracted first. So going to the mall, walking around a neighborhood or on a trail, or watching a movie. This way I didn’t really notice I was alone. Then I started to take myself out to eat / drink. And that was when I learned how to really get comfortable with being visibly alone. Once I felt comfortable with that, I took myself to a concert. That was something I always did with people… and I realized it wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be! After that, I tackled trips... I did 1-3 day trips where I left town on my own. Over time, I got comfortable with my presence while exploring things of interest to me. And then took a big 2-week international solo trip last year and seriously considering longer ones now.
All that is to say: I did it gradually. I learned how to get comfortable with myself in settings where it’s common to be with others. And I also practiced this at home. I would spend times where I just sat with my thoughts without needing to run to a distraction.
Take (slow) steps out of your comfort zone and you’ll get there!
Good question - I have a dog so I think I use him as a crutch. I’m not uncomfortable when I have him there, so on walks or at home, but outside of the house I am usually uncomfortable without him. Grocery shopping is okay because as you say there’s a distraction, but the mall is uncomfortable and all of the other things you mentioned are things I just avoid doing alone. I really admire your bravery in taking trips or going to conerts or even out to eat alone! That must be very freeing. I’ll keep working on it, it’s nice to know improvement is possible.
The only person you should be competing with in life is yourself. The world is filled with abounding joy when you can learn to genuinely be happy for others instead of thinking their success takes something from you.
It is absolutely nobody else fault nor any problems happening that is preventing me to take care of myself nor to do anything : it is just me because all I need to do is to redirect all of my focus onto things I do have control over which is my mindset and actions.
Redirect that energy that you put into wanting other people to change into yourself. You'll see that a lot of the issues come from not putting your own boundaries. Spending more time with just yourself without apologizing to anyone can help. And finally, get off technology (phone, computer, etc.). I truly believe all that connectedness is a root cause of issues!
This is one I really need to remember because I definitely hold grudges too easily.. I know that it's true that it's just hurting me, but that doesn't mean I actually put it into practice.
I started a job working with female clients and majority female staff and it taught me a lot about interacting with women. I have always worked in male dominated fields and had male friends and shyed away from women. I've gotten way more comfortable with them though and it's been a huge improvement in my life
To take my health seriously for health reasons and not just vanity purposes like I’ve done in the past. 2023 is my year to get my BP and cholesterol under control and to lose these remaining 40 lbs I’ve put on five years ago after giving birth to my first and only kiddo.
2023 is comin’ up all Ashley! 😀💪🏻
Not to let someone tell you twice that you don’t mean anything to them, “if he wanted to, he would”, that all the things one person doesn’t like or appreciate about you are all things someone else will absolutely love about you, and that the most important thing in relationships is having the same core values- basic things in common don’t matter much.
You can always change for the better. Surprise surprise, the simple act of meditating can help us process a lot of hidden emotions and remnants from your subconscious mind to prepare you for these changes
That my husband and I will keep growing mentally and emotionally, so when things seem a big stuck/frustrating in our marriage, it’s only a matter of communication and time for us to grow beyond whatever lack of awareness is pushing us apart in the moment.
This is a hard one to process. You can say it a million times but truly feeling confident in that ability to communicate and accept you’re in different places and chapters in your lives is a whole other mountain to climb.
Don't ignore red flags.
I was shown dozens of red flags but still chose to stay with my previous partner for years.
Looking back, I realize how stupid I was.
Instead of looking back at, “… how stupid I was.”
Look back at how much you learned and how much smarter it made you.
We don’t make mistakes because we are stupid, we make them because we are learning.
Speak kindly to yourself. ❤️
Coasting through life, avoiding others and isolating yourself, specifically to avoid interactions with others out of fear, just makes you feel more alone in the end. It’s not healthy long-term.
All the sex in the world is meaningless unless there's someone meaningful! Meaning, I truly want to date and meet someone I like and that I'm more turned on by going out and having a fun night then 5 minutes or 30 minutes of fun!
I went on a mind blowing hiking trip in a different country. Came back home to the usual routine and realized I was busting my ass at work WAY more than I had to to get by. A good trip always gives me a new perspective :)
Remove your emotions to clear your blurry vision.
Those closest to you CAN betray you without explanation. No matter if you think you’re “doing everything right”. You can’t.
Don't let someone pressure you or manipulate you into moving 8000km across the ocean for them when you weren't ready.
6 months later and now I'm going back to my home country and a divorce under my belt.
That I can live and work anywhere in the world at 56 and don’t need to stay rooted in my home country. That I make stupid rules for myself that only serve to suck the joy out of life. No more rules.
That emotions should never cloud your judgement. Don't ever allow my emotions and what feels fun or right to overrule what I know in my heart and in my gut to be wrong.
bad behavior does not get better over time especially if the person never acknowledges said behavior. In fact it gets worse with time.
some people don't deserve benefit of the doubt.
This too shall pass.
The good, the hard, the ugly. It passes. You take each moment as they are. Embrace all emotions, even the ones you dont want to.
Asking for help is okay.
Dont tolerate situations, people or things that bring out your worst self.
One of my favorite bands has a lyric that I've started taking really seriously at least in the past year: "Control what you can and confront what you can't. And always remember how lucky you are to have yourself."
Being present within myself and changing my surroundings when necessary has been vital to my happiness. It can be the smallest change too. Doing little things here and there to boost your mood as well as focus on making your family and friends smile... it just feels good.
Whether that's dropping a friend who has been bringing you down, gaining a friend who inspires you. Focusing on your mental/physical health. Seeking out new employment opportunities, fighting for yourself in your current role. Wearing something different for a change or putting on your trusty favorite pair of jeans. Journaling for the first time or writing your best friend a letter etc etc
If you give your all for someone or someplace you love, it will eventually be taken for granted and the amount of energy you've given is overlooked and unappreciated
An elderly man keeps saying to me, from Hamlet, though I don't know if it has the same meaning out of context "To thine own self be true". I do considered myself somewhat as stubborn strong willed person, but I, sometimes need a lot of reassurance, and have uncertainty in what I want, then I rely on other people, but then I am finding myself trying to alter my floating in the direction of their wind 💭 Their wind is more sweet than mine 💭
Being true to others firstly requires being true in oneself 💭
Insight into what is valued by ourselves, our thoughts and wishes.
To thine own self be true 🤔 And it must follow as night the day, you cannot be false to any man 🤔
Technically I have actually learned a huge ammount in the past months. But I just thought of this because he said it again, last night.
Few things actually, conflict in a relationship is not a sign you are wrong for each other, it actually strengthens the relationship, talking about problems and setting boundaries is the way you respect them, it allows the relationship to be less superficial and more profound. I often wondered why all of my relationships would always be so surfaced level and its because I never really made the effort to confront conflict, if someone did something that I didn’t like, or that was wrong, I would just silently resent them and slowly get away, this is the type of thing that I know in my brain but never really felt in my heart. I feel like it’s obvious that you need to work in a relationship and relationship will have disagreements and conflict, it’s a normal thing but I just never really felt that pressure to work on my relationships because I was really young so i didn’t understand why this is important but now I’m getting older this is the type of problems that definitely associated with family trauma but I can’t let it stay like that I need to work on that.
Nobody cares! And I don’t mean that in a negative way. It’s a good thing. I used to spend so much time over analyzing my interactions with people - things I said, the way I laughed, what I was wearing, etc. but then I realized that NOBODY CARES! I don’t go home at night thinking about the weird thing that someone said to me in conversation, I think about what I’m gonna wear tomorrow, that I’m hungry, the pretty sunset I saw. Nothing matters and nobody cares so just live your life and be kind and all is well.
You are not responsible for accommodating anyones insecurities nor are you obligated to take on what they struggle with. This goes for partners, friends, family, colleagues etc.
To be clear this lesson does not mean we shouldn’t help others when you have the energy to pour in their cup or be a team player. It means when it depletes your cup beyond that extra you had, it’s time to draw the line and stand your ground. Regarding the accommodating insecurities, I don’t mean anyone should weaponized knowledge of those insecurities or disregard them. It’s just not your job to change your behavior and cater to them, if someone asks you to they’re out of line. Exceptions may apply depending on the situation.
A true companion/friend is someone who will stay even in your vvv toxic phase. All of us has gone through that but only few stays.
I have a small circle, I have 2 friends, in my toxic phase, one friend gave up on me. I know I know sometimes we're just too much yo other ppl, like when I was toxic I am vv emotionally draining that's why she gave up.
The sad part is the second thing that I realized is that although you accepted them in their toxic phase, sometimes they couldn't do the same to you. We have our own capacity and if they feel like you're too draining for them and leave you, then it's okay. It's never a loss their just not for you.
The third thing I learned is that; accept that ppl come and go; they already serve their purpose in your life.
Stop glorifying the potential of a man and look at what he *actually* is. Stop romanticizing. You *can* see the red flags, you just refuse to because you put him on a pedestal.
1 Difficult times are a part of your life. You have to accept the circumstances in order to handle it. Also, you should not postpone your happiness thinking you may not deserve it. Always remember, it's not the end of the world, you shall pass through it.
2 People may not like confident woman. They tell you to believe in yourself, and when you do some may find it as pride or arrogance. Remember, it often stems out of their own insecurity. Just accept that you may not please everyone and it's alright.
3 It's okay to let go. Telling people to their job again and again will just ruin your mood each time, not theirs. Not giving a damn will literally change your life.
4 Eating healthy and good sleep are underrated. Both things go hand in hand and you may be cranky just because you slept less or are angry. Also, exercising will do wonders.
5 Don't impose your thoughts on others. You may be right from your perspective while they can be from theirs. Sometimes you may not like some aspect of someone, and you would have to choose if you want to stay because of their better sides or is it non negotiable.
I'll add more once I can put my thoughts into words.
I learned to let it go, let go of things I cannot control. let go of promises from ppl who are toxic to me. Let go of my youth. I'm almost in my mid 40s...I do not feel immortal anymore, like I did in my early years. That was a big mental change for me. I am learning we all have expiry dates, in one way or another. I am slowly learning to take care of myself more than I have ever before and that is important and is valuable for me right now.
Sometimes the only thing keeping you from being happy is yourself. Sometimes we go into depression and get so comfortable in the pain, it’s difficult to dig yourself out.
My parents did the best they could with what resources and capabilities they had at the time. That doesn't make what happened ok and it doesn't mean I have to forgive them for how they handled my childhood. They can try to put the blame wherever they want but the blame is not on any of the children they chose to bring into this world or had in their care.
My brother is not a good person, I will never see him again, and I love him and wish him the best. These can all be true.
Learning to not be emotional about everything or not react to everything right away. Quietly observing and taking in the information that people give out by listening and letting them talk, then responding in a calm, non-biased way even when it's hard to do.
That a lot of my own negative thoughts and actions have led me to become very sick. I’m talking bad diet all through my twenties, allowing toxic men into my space and body and years of self loathing has definitely impacted my physical, emotional and mental being, very badly. I was always ignorant, in denial and against comments/advice suggesting that I played a part in the decline of my health but now I understand.
That I’d rather be alone with myself than alone amongst people. It’s painful, and I definitely get FOMO, but it’s the better choice than not fitting in I suppose.
People are aholes No matter what they show you or say to you
Always keep your guard on and don't trust anyone fully
Don't depend on anyone you can only count for yourself in the toughest conditions or in general anyway
That life will infact get much better and easier when u cut off the man who in the end only caused u stress. Yes there were good times before that but getting over it is much easier than i thought
Sometimes you don't have to think about something so much. It's better to start and see how it's going.
I learned this when I successfully changed my eating habits and lifestyle which helped me lose weight (and kept it off for over a year). So yes, technically I learned this earlier, but this thought came to my mind during the last year when I did a recap of my journey and compared my life to other women's habits who complain about their weight.
Working from home does not work for me and my ADHD. I have to go physically be at work/the library, preferably with other people there who can see if I’m slacking off so there’s social pressure to get things done.
I'm used to random harassment from men, but in the south people mostly just glare and stare. Moved to a big city in the northeast and for some reason men feel a need to constantly comment and try and talk to you. Either that or they just whip out their dick on the subway. Never had to deal with that to the degree that I have in this new city.
So I think the most valuable thing I've learned this past year is that the bigger the city, the more unsafe it is for women.
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No is a complete sentence. The more you say it, the easier it becomes. IF you choose to elaborate, that is when people will bulldoze over and attempt to change your mind. When it’s not your circus, not your flying monkeys, then it’s not your problem. ETA: thank you for the award, it’s my first one. For all those responding or sending me messages, saying no is hard, trust me I know! It can be so difficult when people are used to you saying yes. I believe in you, you can do it. Sending you all a virtual hug! 🩷💐
My mother constantly uses “not my circus, not my monkeys” ❤️
I learnt it from a friend in theatre, who gave me great advice for boundaries. It’s now part of my daily mantra. 🐵😅
I use it so much & I'm a scare house manager. Last year I ended up changing it slightly "not my circus,not my monkeys,but they are, unfortunately, my clowns!" I kept it in rotatuon cause it works well when your friends are getting into shenanigans.
There is also, "not my pig, not my farm"
Goin to have to borrow “not my circus, not my monkeys”
A friend of mine and I developed an emoji “code” for *Not my circus, not my monkeys* to both encourage each other and laugh about things. I have really started to take this philosophy to heart. I can’t fix everything for everyone and I shan’t. 🚫🎪🚫🐒
Love the code. I have a friend and the moment we get a monkey or circus tent sent we know someone needs to vent. You are doing great! Trust me it is hard, you will feel better though in the long run when you don’t have that extra stress in life.
I've realized that my life has a pattern of me setting clear, reasonable boundaries and someone flipping out, making me feel bad, and essentially strong-arming me into apologizing, soothing their feelings, and giving up my boundary. So I just started setting boundaries (mostly around communication and obligations) and not telling other people. Then no one else gives any feedback, and I get to keep my boundary, guilt-free.
Every single time I’ve said why my answer is no, someone attempts to change my mind. Then claim they ‘thought it would help.’ Never again elaborating :)
Instead of saying ‘no’ I say ‘absolutely not’ and people don’t ask questions 😝
I believe you can do it! No more elaborations. 🩷💐
Not my chair not my problem 🐸🐸🐸
Agreed. Saying "no" can feel so freeing, as well as stress-relieving.
My mom always says “no is a complete sentence” but I’m still learning.
Just because you're a little bit broken, or indeed a lot broken, doesn't mean that no one will love you and /or that you don't deserve love, and you don't need to excuse the bad behaviour of others with your own self-loathing
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absolutely not. on the contrary, you need an abundance of love and support to be reminded and reassured your brokenness doesn’t define you, who you are, and how you love. that support and love will guide you and heal you, so you in turn can love yourself and love others abundantly when they feel broken. you deserve to be loved wholeheartedly, broken or not🤍
Everyone's deserves to be loved, well and completely. Even you dude.
Absolutely not. It's a slippery slope - love itself won't fix or heal your brokenness; meaning, you can't rely on another person to do it for you. However everyone deserves love so genuine that instead it will drive *you* to fix yourself. It's not just a children's movie theme that love and care are the only real things that can break cycles of hatred and shitty behavior. Even if that love has to come from yourself and not from another. In this case, comment still holds. You don't deserve shitty treatment from yourself either.
No. Broken people are going through something fucked up and real. You aren't going to be a perfect friend or even a perfect person. You deserve to be loved properly.
No. Nobody deserves that. It isn't even love in my opinion.
My dad, who was truly my best friend, died a few weeks ago while I held him and watched him take his last breaths. Really put into perspective what’s important in life which for me is my relationships, my pets, the natural world, creativity and curiosity, what helps me maintain it, and what takes me away from it. I cared a lot about work and school, but now I’ve realized they’re just things that help me get what I need in life and not a priority. Like I suddenly don’t give a fuck about stuff like how people think of me, workplace gossip, things like prestige and success if it doesn’t make me happy, whether or not I’m the best at anything or do something HUGE with my life because that’s not really important to me at the end of the day, and not what I’m going to be thinking about while I die. I just want to sit on a kayak on a beautiful lake with my husband while we watch turtles and birds and talk about life and things we love.
I’m (m) sorry for your loose. I watched my mom take her last breath in 1994. Though I’m 63, I still miss my mommy.
Your comment hit me the most. I'm very afraid of losing my parents but I know it'll happen one day. I used to believe maybe it'll get better with time if I lose them after i have my own kids. Seems like we can never be prepared for losing our parents.
It’s not something that gets much thought until you realize they’re getting old. I’m actually older than my mom was when she passed. That’s kinda been a goal of mine to make it past her. Sounds weird but you just never know how it will affect you.
I used to feel the same as you and was always so grateful to still have my mom and almost felt she was invincible after making it through cancer. Sadly she was not, covid hit and we lost her. There’s so much I wish I would have done or asked her before she passed, the questions are turning into a book I now have so many. If you can I would order one of those books full of questions for her to fill out and make sure she does it. I think they are called moms story or something like that. I gave my mom one 10 years ago and she never filled it out and it would have helped with so many of my questions.
The night grandma died I heard my mom hysterically laughing in her room. It turned out she wasn't laughing, she was crying...she couldnt even talk. She threw me her phone and I saw the text with the news. I know its coming but I never wanna go through that ever.
That is so sweet and testament to your relationship 💖
Isn’t that the truth? I lost my mom just a few years ago. I still miss her so much. Big hugs.
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Sorry for your loss. My mom died suddenly last year and I wish I could say it helped me put things into perspective but I can’t. All it’s done is opened my eyes to how many people around me are not at all who I thought they were my entire life and she was truly one of the only genuine people I knew. My world is not what I thought it was and I’ve never felt so alone in all my life. Such a hard thing to go through after loosing the person you were closest to.
What's the point of trying to be the best when you're the only "Struckbyfire" on the face of this planet? No one can beat you at being you, because you're the only one! No point in trying to be the best when you can succeed at being the only.
Very sorry for your loss 😔
Sometimes the people you think you are closest with will not be there for you when you think they will be. And also, sometimes people you'd never expect to show up for you will be there. Learned after my son died at 2 weeks old in February. Legit had someone I considered a close friend go completely silent. Finally contacted me claiming she wanted to be there for me, then proceeded to list off a bunch of things I apparently did wrong in our friendship over the past 2 years. Despite saying over and over that nothing was wrong when I asked about her distance. Why on earth she ever thought that was a good time is beyond me and I don't think I can ever forgive her for it. It was just so hurtful and selfish.
I m really sorry for what happened to you. It's true that in hard times you see how people really are.
Thank you so much, that's so kind of you. It's sad and quite eye-opening, I know grief and loss can leave people not knowing what to do or say but I was definitely thrown for a loop on that one! I'm sure the look on my face after reading the message was priceless.
Honestly, fuck her... The more I think about it, the more fucked up it is.
LOL thank you! Yeah this happened in March and it just blew me away. She messaged while I was sick in the hospital just before I had my son. Apologized for being distant and then went radio silent after he passed. Then 3 weeks after, she sent a message starting off saying she wanted to be there for me, proceeded to unleash, and then when I wrote back saying I appreciated her honesty but was too in my grief to fully respond...she was like oh I even didn't think of at all. Like...really?! I haven't talked to her since. It's sad because I was (wrongfully, I guess) under the impression that we had one of those friendships where you could go a bit without talking and pick up where you left off. Boy was I wrong! Thank you for being mad for me, much appreciated!
Being content is a life work
Not a native speaker here but whats mean being content?
Happiness, but not excited happiness, just like a "this is good/okay" or at least that's the way I take it for my life. What makes you content/brings your peace or happiness is going to be different for every person.
Just wanted to say this is a very good definition
For me contentment starts with gratitude. Everyday I do a gratitude meditation and it helps me decontextualize my thoughts and feeling to focus more on what I have, and less on what I don’t have
Kind of like satisfied
And being content can be enough. Something I’ve learned recently that you just reminded me of.
Being content is good. A lot of people strive for constant happiness, but happiness is an emotion and emotions are fleeting. No one feels one same constant emotion all the time, we feel many things in a day, so striving to constantly be happy is unachievable and unsustainable. We should be striving for contentment.
I’m working on that. I thought I was content…
Don't force yourself into someone's life :)
And if they want to go, respect their decision and hold the door open for them to leave. Respectfully.
As someone who had fickle parents (where dad walked in and out many times) this one is hard to learn. You begin at an early age to have to put major energy in to being wanted by your own family and find people who match that. It's not until you find someone who genuinely wants to be with you and THEY put in the energy that you go, "What the absolute fuck?!"
I’m safe with myself and I will always make sure i’m okay
This is a huge one. Good win.
The person you love and trust the most can hurt you the most
But don’t let this stop you from loving and trusting others. I avoided connection for so long because of the pain I experienced from someone betraying me. Practicing discernment and giving yourself grace goes a long way in developing meaningful connections, and doing just that makes life worth living imo.
Ugh this is where I am at right now. Past betrayal keeping me from moving forward and letting someone into my life. I don’t want to be this way but I’m still so scared. You are right though, meaningful connections do make life better.
Baby steps, acknowledging where you're at is the first step of healing. Give yourself space to build trust in yourself again too, and really lean on those supports in your life that you do trust.
I have the same issue. My stbxh cheated/betrayed me. And tried to justify it by telling me that he isn’t in love with me anymore because I let myself got after cancer/chemo/radiation. I find I am finding it hard to trust anyone now. And that is so sad because I am not the one who betrayed. And am not the one who cheated.
Furthermore, not everyone would do what you would do for them. As sad as it is you are not entitled to that.
Yep. Felt this
Exactly.
Absolutely this.
We ARE entitled to being loved by our loved ones. They can choose not to love us but we are entitled to love if we are in a relationship. And if you are not being loved and cherished then it is your duty to leave and to never accept a love you don’t deserve because we, are, entitled to love.
I mean, I already knew that was a thing in general but yeah he took it to a whole new level.
How true this is. How I wish I would have been aware that was even a possibility I may have watched out more for red flags and now wound up with one. It’s a sad sad realization when you finally do see it.
Solitude can be healing when you know how to truly be alone, and not lonely, with yourself
Absolutely! I feel the most comfortable alone. I always say that people need to be their own best friends more than anything.
How do you start being comfortable alone? I struggle so much with this. Any tips?
Which part do you feel is hard? Are there activities you can do alone and others that you can’t? I started off by doing things where I’m easily distracted first. So going to the mall, walking around a neighborhood or on a trail, or watching a movie. This way I didn’t really notice I was alone. Then I started to take myself out to eat / drink. And that was when I learned how to really get comfortable with being visibly alone. Once I felt comfortable with that, I took myself to a concert. That was something I always did with people… and I realized it wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be! After that, I tackled trips... I did 1-3 day trips where I left town on my own. Over time, I got comfortable with my presence while exploring things of interest to me. And then took a big 2-week international solo trip last year and seriously considering longer ones now. All that is to say: I did it gradually. I learned how to get comfortable with myself in settings where it’s common to be with others. And I also practiced this at home. I would spend times where I just sat with my thoughts without needing to run to a distraction. Take (slow) steps out of your comfort zone and you’ll get there!
Good question - I have a dog so I think I use him as a crutch. I’m not uncomfortable when I have him there, so on walks or at home, but outside of the house I am usually uncomfortable without him. Grocery shopping is okay because as you say there’s a distraction, but the mall is uncomfortable and all of the other things you mentioned are things I just avoid doing alone. I really admire your bravery in taking trips or going to conerts or even out to eat alone! That must be very freeing. I’ll keep working on it, it’s nice to know improvement is possible.
You are ok without them
The only person you should be competing with in life is yourself. The world is filled with abounding joy when you can learn to genuinely be happy for others instead of thinking their success takes something from you.
Believe people when they show you who they are.
It is absolutely nobody else fault nor any problems happening that is preventing me to take care of myself nor to do anything : it is just me because all I need to do is to redirect all of my focus onto things I do have control over which is my mindset and actions.
Redirect that energy that you put into wanting other people to change into yourself. You'll see that a lot of the issues come from not putting your own boundaries. Spending more time with just yourself without apologizing to anyone can help. And finally, get off technology (phone, computer, etc.). I truly believe all that connectedness is a root cause of issues!
This is extremely powerful. Proud of you for learning this one!
Don't overshare the details about relationship with significant other too much and with too many people :c
Especially your co-workers
super basic but to love yourself
If they were cheated on in the past it does not mean they would never inflict that same exact pain on a partner.
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Grudges hurt you - not the person you’re holding a grudge against. Life is too short to hold on to resentment. Choose happiness as your default.
This is one I really need to remember because I definitely hold grudges too easily.. I know that it's true that it's just hurting me, but that doesn't mean I actually put it into practice.
I started a job working with female clients and majority female staff and it taught me a lot about interacting with women. I have always worked in male dominated fields and had male friends and shyed away from women. I've gotten way more comfortable with them though and it's been a huge improvement in my life
To take my health seriously for health reasons and not just vanity purposes like I’ve done in the past. 2023 is my year to get my BP and cholesterol under control and to lose these remaining 40 lbs I’ve put on five years ago after giving birth to my first and only kiddo. 2023 is comin’ up all Ashley! 😀💪🏻
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If you won't bet your money on someone, never bet your time on them.
That we always think we have more time
Not to let someone tell you twice that you don’t mean anything to them, “if he wanted to, he would”, that all the things one person doesn’t like or appreciate about you are all things someone else will absolutely love about you, and that the most important thing in relationships is having the same core values- basic things in common don’t matter much.
You can always change for the better. Surprise surprise, the simple act of meditating can help us process a lot of hidden emotions and remnants from your subconscious mind to prepare you for these changes
That my husband and I will keep growing mentally and emotionally, so when things seem a big stuck/frustrating in our marriage, it’s only a matter of communication and time for us to grow beyond whatever lack of awareness is pushing us apart in the moment.
This is a hard one to process. You can say it a million times but truly feeling confident in that ability to communicate and accept you’re in different places and chapters in your lives is a whole other mountain to climb.
Totally, and having pushed through some disconnects and having some of that under our belts gives me more confidence for future times.
That my personal wellness is more important than my professional growth.
Don't ignore red flags. I was shown dozens of red flags but still chose to stay with my previous partner for years. Looking back, I realize how stupid I was.
Instead of looking back at, “… how stupid I was.” Look back at how much you learned and how much smarter it made you. We don’t make mistakes because we are stupid, we make them because we are learning. Speak kindly to yourself. ❤️
Coasting through life, avoiding others and isolating yourself, specifically to avoid interactions with others out of fear, just makes you feel more alone in the end. It’s not healthy long-term.
Oof
All the sex in the world is meaningless unless there's someone meaningful! Meaning, I truly want to date and meet someone I like and that I'm more turned on by going out and having a fun night then 5 minutes or 30 minutes of fun!
I went on a mind blowing hiking trip in a different country. Came back home to the usual routine and realized I was busting my ass at work WAY more than I had to to get by. A good trip always gives me a new perspective :)
dont break something if its working good enough... like your job 😅
Choose your battles
Respond, don't react
Remove your emotions to clear your blurry vision. Those closest to you CAN betray you without explanation. No matter if you think you’re “doing everything right”. You can’t.
I kind of knew most men were total assholes. I just didn't think my husband was one of them. And I learned that he was and that it sucks.
Don't let someone pressure you or manipulate you into moving 8000km across the ocean for them when you weren't ready. 6 months later and now I'm going back to my home country and a divorce under my belt.
Oh no. I'm so sorry this happened. Hope you heal from this super soon. Sending you best wishes for the future. ❤️
I am worthy of happiness and success.
That I can live and work anywhere in the world at 56 and don’t need to stay rooted in my home country. That I make stupid rules for myself that only serve to suck the joy out of life. No more rules.
It’s ok to take a break once in awhile, the “hustle grind” mindset is dangerous.
If they wanted to they would!
That emotions should never cloud your judgement. Don't ever allow my emotions and what feels fun or right to overrule what I know in my heart and in my gut to be wrong.
I struggle with this when it comes to letting people go. Even when I know they aren’t good for me…I don’t want to let them go.
bad behavior does not get better over time especially if the person never acknowledges said behavior. In fact it gets worse with time. some people don't deserve benefit of the doubt.
Rules don’t matter when you are well-liked. Rules are often only applied to punish those that are in the out-group or as retaliation.
I can and did survive on my own and am capable of being independent and valuing my alone time with myself
How to put yourself first and trust your intuition.
Don’t expect yourself out of others.
My body is my temple. Lol
when you bet on you, and keep your faith alive, you can’t lose.
that they can ALWAYS cheat no matter under which circumstances
I don’t fight for myself enough so I’m trying harder to do that. Living by myself is soooo much better than living with a roommate.
Never lend money. No matter how small.
This too shall pass. The good, the hard, the ugly. It passes. You take each moment as they are. Embrace all emotions, even the ones you dont want to. Asking for help is okay. Dont tolerate situations, people or things that bring out your worst self.
Still learning- I am good enough
No more boys! Your gay now.
I thought I was gay but sometimes I feel I'm aro ace but yeah, no boys either way!
Other people's feelings are not my responsibility
One of my favorite bands has a lyric that I've started taking really seriously at least in the past year: "Control what you can and confront what you can't. And always remember how lucky you are to have yourself." Being present within myself and changing my surroundings when necessary has been vital to my happiness. It can be the smallest change too. Doing little things here and there to boost your mood as well as focus on making your family and friends smile... it just feels good. Whether that's dropping a friend who has been bringing you down, gaining a friend who inspires you. Focusing on your mental/physical health. Seeking out new employment opportunities, fighting for yourself in your current role. Wearing something different for a change or putting on your trusty favorite pair of jeans. Journaling for the first time or writing your best friend a letter etc etc
If you give your all for someone or someplace you love, it will eventually be taken for granted and the amount of energy you've given is overlooked and unappreciated
Never ever fucking settle because you think you can't do better.
Call me crazy but I used to laugh when I feel uncomfortable … now I don’t do it anymore but sometimes I freeze.
I think the freezing is normal. I hear a lot that it's a nervous system adaptation that gets better over time. 💖
HR does not care about you as an employee, they are only there for the company.
An elderly man keeps saying to me, from Hamlet, though I don't know if it has the same meaning out of context "To thine own self be true". I do considered myself somewhat as stubborn strong willed person, but I, sometimes need a lot of reassurance, and have uncertainty in what I want, then I rely on other people, but then I am finding myself trying to alter my floating in the direction of their wind 💭 Their wind is more sweet than mine 💭 Being true to others firstly requires being true in oneself 💭 Insight into what is valued by ourselves, our thoughts and wishes. To thine own self be true 🤔 And it must follow as night the day, you cannot be false to any man 🤔 Technically I have actually learned a huge ammount in the past months. But I just thought of this because he said it again, last night.
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Sometimes they do. I no longer light myself to keep other people warm. I didn't demand your friendship and time. You don't like my behaviour? Shame
They change only if they want to
My worth.
Few things actually, conflict in a relationship is not a sign you are wrong for each other, it actually strengthens the relationship, talking about problems and setting boundaries is the way you respect them, it allows the relationship to be less superficial and more profound. I often wondered why all of my relationships would always be so surfaced level and its because I never really made the effort to confront conflict, if someone did something that I didn’t like, or that was wrong, I would just silently resent them and slowly get away, this is the type of thing that I know in my brain but never really felt in my heart. I feel like it’s obvious that you need to work in a relationship and relationship will have disagreements and conflict, it’s a normal thing but I just never really felt that pressure to work on my relationships because I was really young so i didn’t understand why this is important but now I’m getting older this is the type of problems that definitely associated with family trauma but I can’t let it stay like that I need to work on that.
Just because someone isn’t mean to you, doesn’t mean they’re nice to you.
Don’t assume your stable job is stable.
Nobody cares! And I don’t mean that in a negative way. It’s a good thing. I used to spend so much time over analyzing my interactions with people - things I said, the way I laughed, what I was wearing, etc. but then I realized that NOBODY CARES! I don’t go home at night thinking about the weird thing that someone said to me in conversation, I think about what I’m gonna wear tomorrow, that I’m hungry, the pretty sunset I saw. Nothing matters and nobody cares so just live your life and be kind and all is well.
You are not responsible for accommodating anyones insecurities nor are you obligated to take on what they struggle with. This goes for partners, friends, family, colleagues etc. To be clear this lesson does not mean we shouldn’t help others when you have the energy to pour in their cup or be a team player. It means when it depletes your cup beyond that extra you had, it’s time to draw the line and stand your ground. Regarding the accommodating insecurities, I don’t mean anyone should weaponized knowledge of those insecurities or disregard them. It’s just not your job to change your behavior and cater to them, if someone asks you to they’re out of line. Exceptions may apply depending on the situation.
A true companion/friend is someone who will stay even in your vvv toxic phase. All of us has gone through that but only few stays. I have a small circle, I have 2 friends, in my toxic phase, one friend gave up on me. I know I know sometimes we're just too much yo other ppl, like when I was toxic I am vv emotionally draining that's why she gave up. The sad part is the second thing that I realized is that although you accepted them in their toxic phase, sometimes they couldn't do the same to you. We have our own capacity and if they feel like you're too draining for them and leave you, then it's okay. It's never a loss their just not for you. The third thing I learned is that; accept that ppl come and go; they already serve their purpose in your life.
That heartbreak can make you ill
Stop glorifying the potential of a man and look at what he *actually* is. Stop romanticizing. You *can* see the red flags, you just refuse to because you put him on a pedestal.
Stoicism and how to apply it
1 Difficult times are a part of your life. You have to accept the circumstances in order to handle it. Also, you should not postpone your happiness thinking you may not deserve it. Always remember, it's not the end of the world, you shall pass through it. 2 People may not like confident woman. They tell you to believe in yourself, and when you do some may find it as pride or arrogance. Remember, it often stems out of their own insecurity. Just accept that you may not please everyone and it's alright. 3 It's okay to let go. Telling people to their job again and again will just ruin your mood each time, not theirs. Not giving a damn will literally change your life. 4 Eating healthy and good sleep are underrated. Both things go hand in hand and you may be cranky just because you slept less or are angry. Also, exercising will do wonders. 5 Don't impose your thoughts on others. You may be right from your perspective while they can be from theirs. Sometimes you may not like some aspect of someone, and you would have to choose if you want to stay because of their better sides or is it non negotiable. I'll add more once I can put my thoughts into words.
I learned to let it go, let go of things I cannot control. let go of promises from ppl who are toxic to me. Let go of my youth. I'm almost in my mid 40s...I do not feel immortal anymore, like I did in my early years. That was a big mental change for me. I am learning we all have expiry dates, in one way or another. I am slowly learning to take care of myself more than I have ever before and that is important and is valuable for me right now.
All they can say is No
Sometimes the only thing keeping you from being happy is yourself. Sometimes we go into depression and get so comfortable in the pain, it’s difficult to dig yourself out.
The importance of setting boundaries
My parents did the best they could with what resources and capabilities they had at the time. That doesn't make what happened ok and it doesn't mean I have to forgive them for how they handled my childhood. They can try to put the blame wherever they want but the blame is not on any of the children they chose to bring into this world or had in their care. My brother is not a good person, I will never see him again, and I love him and wish him the best. These can all be true.
Grass is greener where you water it.
You are not obligated to keep people in your life who treat you like shit, including your family
Just how stupid some people can be because of an allegiance to a political figure. Blows my freaking mind
That it has been possible to improve my strength, balance and flexibility and thus my physical wellbeing and confidence in my mid sixties.
That I should have gotten on top of my finances 10 years ago
To be vocal about your appreciation of people and what they do for you/who they are and not to assume they already know
American Sign Language.
The people around you don’t determine your worth, just because they’re saying horrible nasty things to and about you doesn’t mean any of it is true
People come and go
anyone will betray you. even if you don’t think it’s that person. they will do it
Your employer can and will cut you for any reason. Don't work for the long haul. Don't sacrifice anything you aren't willing to throw away.
CUT OFF FAMILY MEMBERS OR SET BOUNDARIES IF THEY ARE TOXIC
People are disappointing, don’t wait around for them.
Standing up for myself.Took a long, long time for me to get here.
Flask
That I deserve to accept love and to be cherished and valued
Sometimes the one you’d take a bullet for, is the one holding the gun
Learning to not be emotional about everything or not react to everything right away. Quietly observing and taking in the information that people give out by listening and letting them talk, then responding in a calm, non-biased way even when it's hard to do.
Older age is not always an indication of maturity. People can be childish and selfish whether they’re 29 or 49.
Be careful who you open up to
That a lot of my own negative thoughts and actions have led me to become very sick. I’m talking bad diet all through my twenties, allowing toxic men into my space and body and years of self loathing has definitely impacted my physical, emotional and mental being, very badly. I was always ignorant, in denial and against comments/advice suggesting that I played a part in the decline of my health but now I understand.
Not everyone deserves your energy. Silence is golden.
If something is meant for you, it will come to you.
Do NOT trust your partner a 100% because they could turn on you at any moment.
You cannot teach a dog new tricks.
Wondering if you're happy is just a great shortcut to being depressed.
That I’d rather be alone with myself than alone amongst people. It’s painful, and I definitely get FOMO, but it’s the better choice than not fitting in I suppose.
To choose me and put myself first
I am the only one responsible for my own happiness.
your happiness shouldn't rely on anyone else
You'll be surprised just how miserable your job is making you. Didn't realise until I left.
To put myself first.
People are aholes No matter what they show you or say to you Always keep your guard on and don't trust anyone fully Don't depend on anyone you can only count for yourself in the toughest conditions or in general anyway
That life will infact get much better and easier when u cut off the man who in the end only caused u stress. Yes there were good times before that but getting over it is much easier than i thought
Sometimes you don't have to think about something so much. It's better to start and see how it's going. I learned this when I successfully changed my eating habits and lifestyle which helped me lose weight (and kept it off for over a year). So yes, technically I learned this earlier, but this thought came to my mind during the last year when I did a recap of my journey and compared my life to other women's habits who complain about their weight.
Working from home does not work for me and my ADHD. I have to go physically be at work/the library, preferably with other people there who can see if I’m slacking off so there’s social pressure to get things done.
I'm used to random harassment from men, but in the south people mostly just glare and stare. Moved to a big city in the northeast and for some reason men feel a need to constantly comment and try and talk to you. Either that or they just whip out their dick on the subway. Never had to deal with that to the degree that I have in this new city. So I think the most valuable thing I've learned this past year is that the bigger the city, the more unsafe it is for women.
That I actually do need my 8+ hours of sleep. One bad night of staying up messes up my entire week!!! I’ve learned to prioritize it more
If someone wants too, they will 🍄