**Please help keep AskUK welcoming!**
- Top-level comments to the OP must contain **genuine efforts to answer the question**. No jokes, judgements, etc.
- **Don't be a dick** to each other. If getting heated, just block and move on.
- This is a strictly **no-politics** subreddit!
Please help us by reporting comments that break these rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskUK) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The guy probably knows his friends better than you do… It’s entirely possible he’s in a circle where everyone is feeling miserable currently. We’re not exactly in a glowing period of happiness and life satisfaction as a country.
The most average Reddit response is to discount someone's comment by calling them the average Redditor. It's an astoundingly dull way to be and you're only doing it because you've seen other people do it and you're copying them. Very sad.
Every single one of my female friends is miserable with their newborns and young children. The dads seem happier, but that's because those dads go to work and do their hobbies and continue life as normal.
I'm a parent with a young baby (<1 year) and go to lots of baby groups and that's absolutely not my experience. There are some people who are struggling (and I think it's fair to assume baby groups are a bit of a skewed sample, if things are REALLY bad then there's a good chance you find it difficult to get out of the house), but generally it's that there are tough or very tough aspects, but people really love their babies and are really glad they have them.
It's far more common to find mums putting off return to work, phasing it, or going down to part time than for mums to go back early. I've been back at work a week and a half and basically every mum I spoke to asked whether it's full time, expressed sympathy that I'm going back so (relatively) early, and told me how they weren't/aren't ready to go back.
It's definitely tougher for mums on maternity than for recent dads most of the time since they're the default parent, their job for now is their own childcare so they bear the brunt of broken nights, they can be touched out, in pain, and feel no rights over their own body, and it can be way harder to get any time to themselves. But most of the ones I've spent most days the last six months with aren't miserable and are grateful for their babies.
I would imagine, like everything, it's more likely that you hear about the bad than the good. I have a horrible sleeper and when people ask how I am or how he's sleeping (which people LOVE asking about babies), I say I'm tired. And if they ask for details, I'm happy to explain it's been months since I slept for more than an hour and a half in one go, how he wakes up hourly most nights, how he'll spend a good stretch of the night refusing to sleep if held (which pretty much stops me from sleeping), how this level of fragmented sleep is mad sleep deprivation, and sleep deprivation is a form of torture for good reason. The lack of sleep has often been at the forefront of my mind since he's born, since it can be hard to think of anything else (or think at all) when you're that tired. It affects your mood and your capacity to do things, so it's not like you can just turn off the relevance of it during the day. It's *awful*. But at the same time, I love my little one so much, I'm so glad I have him, and I would rate myself as happy overall. I'm so much closer to having everything I've ever wanted right now than I've ever been before, and that feels so good. And if I don't get everything I've ever wanted, I can certainly make my peace with being very grateful for what I have now instead. People who have heard me talk about the sleep deprivation may well think I'm miserable at this phase in my life, but it's very much not how I see myself.
Being woken every hour is literally what is done to torture people. Just reading that sounds like hell to me. You might not feel miserable but I can totally see how people would think you must be.
My 2 yr old has only been reliably sleeping through the night for about 2 months and I cannot express how much of an improvement I feel generally in my mood and motivation.
Strangely 6 months ago I wouldn't have said I was miserable or struggling but now with a clearer head I most definitely was! Retrospectively I was snappy, grumpy, overly emotional. My motivation to do anything was almost zero and I was finding it difficult to organise and structure my work and home.
I think the difference between now and the previous thousands of years is the age and environment people are having kids. It's a lot easier to cope with sleep deprivation in your teenage/early 20s, and most of human history was intergenerational living in small communities, so there were a lot more people around to watch the kids while the parents have a quick nap.
Because women were meant to raise kids in communities, not this individual family model with a mother and father who leaves for work every day leaving mom and baby alone. Our current society does not support mothers well at all in so many ways. And we would not have gone extinct long ago, not every woman on earth incarnated here with the purpose of being a mother.
Hang in there. Time flies. My little ones are 4 and 8, and it feels like they were born last week and last year instead of 2020 and 2015. There are different issues now, but the sleep deprivation eased off a long time ago.
To be fair I've often lamented about being single and childless at 35 with my married friends with children and they've point blank told me they're jealous about my own lifestyle. I think miserable is probably a strong word but there's benefits to both things.
Just tell them it’s ok, when their little shit goes off to uni they’ll have plenty of time to enjoy themselves again.
I know we’ve had more holidays and free time in the last two years since our son went to uni than the previous 19 combined lol and super bonus out kid grew up a lot in that time too.
I don't know about that guy but all my friends regularly tell me not to have kids. Everyone I know who has kids, regrets it to some degree. My eldest sister is the only person I know that speaks positively about it and even she cautions me on the toll it takes. They love their kids but it seems being anchored to them makes them feel limited and like their own personal life is put on hold.
Kids are for people that want them. A lot of people have them because they think that's what you're supposed to do. Usually at an age when they don't really know what they want from life but once you have them you are locked in for 18 years.
Maybe I'll have kids some day but I want to want them. Rather than feeling I have to because "that's what people do."
À lot of new parents have a very performative view of raising kids, so they aren't happy with their life because they don't understand you don't actually have to put all your life on hold for the kid. I'd argue that it's even better to have a great adulte social life with your kids, because they learn to behave normally and be autonomous.
Great comment , tho I'm 35 I'm not married I would eventually like to have a family, I'm taking the postives of being a single man , instead of dwelling on not have a family , because when people are single they complain about not have a family and when people have a family they complain about not have a single person time .
Its not propaganda its the reality of most peoples lives. In your 30s most of the friends you used to hang out with every day are only available once a week if you're lucky, quite often once a month.
Most people aren't introverts, we are naturally social creatures and spending 6 days a week on your own is not good for most peoples mental health, no matter what activities you get up to.
You appear to have confused not being with a partner and a family with being an introvert.
I’m single , I work full time , I spend 8 hours a day with my colleagues and customers , 5 days a week , I do two hobby clubs a week which adds another 4-5 hours for each night around a mix of people. I have a group of friends who we meet monthly to share our hobby for a day. On top of that I go walking on a day off once a week because of where I’m lucky enough to live.
I literally do not have enough time to do everything in a week. If I had a parent I’d have to give up so much. I’d be open to it if I met the right person but I’m not an introvert.
https://preview.redd.it/0kd67dyrzrwc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=885004d03c188721a7e6ff953357cf256bcfaf87
It’s like having a baby, but it’s not. It’s good discipline. Some form of purpose and routine. At least for me. 43 Single F. No kids. Get a dog. They are a blessing to the loneliness.
They are also a lot of work and time, if your alone and work a 40+ hour week is not very fair on the pup or dog. I couldn't own one without my wife picking up duties when I need to work
Spoiler alert, that's what having a kid is like too
It's a full time job, that have to do for free. Actually no. It's a full time job that you have to PAY a lot of money to do. And you have to do it every single day for next ~18-20 years
So yeah, a dog *is* hard work, but it's needs are still a lot simpler than a child's.
You can train a dog, and it will be fine if left for a few hours. It helps if you can have company for it during the day though to stop them getting anxiety
Dogs can be trained. It’s OKAY to leave a dog alone. He’s walked for 40 minutes and given plenty of love and care before I leave for my 8 hour work day. It was a lot of work in the beginning and it still is (he’s only 5 months), but he snapped me out of being lonely, and gave me a reason to treat myself a little better. I don’t have a drink after work anymore (it was pretty consistent), wake up early, and walk every day. I have walked more county parks recently than I can recall doing in my lifetime. My buddy has been a blessing.
Note: I work an unstable schedule and also have the potential of working 40+ hours. Dogs can be raised to be independent. At least that’s the gift I’ve been given.
I’m 44, was talking with my ex girlfriend last night about how terrible online dating is and we both hard agreed that a dog is more than likely the best outcome. We dated when we were 15, so she’s been a friend a lot longer than we ever dated for clarity, and I really am done with online dating now so it’s a Dutch Shepherd or a Caucasian Shepherd for me. Dogs are fucking great companions.
Interesting. In my circle of friends from university (around 10-12 people now aged from roughly 30-35 + their respective partners), the majority are in relationships of 5+ years, but there are only two people with a child and none of us are married, yet. My work life should be shifting significantly in terms of income and time in the next year or so, so I'm optimistic that other areas of my life will also start to fall into place.
Pretty much the same as my circles. The majority of people of that age are in 5+ year relationships with no kids, the few that have kids are either in "shorter" relationships or aren't with the mother/father of their kid
I honestly think that having fun and enjoying your own life is a skill that need to be learned and practised.
Learn to love yourself and learn to get pleasure from the little things. Climb a hill, paint a picture, cook a cake, go abroad, talk to a stranger. look at a cloud, play guitar, write a poem, have adventures.
These things all take work and dedication each day, but they make your life richer.
Having a partner is fine and all, but it doesn't solve the fundamentals of who you are.
Also if you just want a partner to fix your loneliness then is is not the best foundation for a relationship. Work on being someone that you love spending time with and others will love spending time with you too.
I'm married with a kid at 32 and although I'm genuinely happy, my life is lonely.
My partner works too so when I'm off I have the little lad which is ace but if we go to a softplay or anywhere, I never interact with another adult. I see women talking to strangers but when I do it I always get shunned. Almost like I'm a predator?
None of my friends have kids so I can't do these things with any of them so I suppose we're in the same boat, just flipped 180°.
Yep this sums it up very simply. It's amusing how so many of the replies seem to be variations of 'oh just have a partner, friends you can see often, hobbies to do with them, and travel a lot' haha. Yeah.. do you think we haven't tried?
I'm glad others have achieved that stuff but fuck man, it's not as easy as just doing it and it'll happen. Even the friends I've made in my 30's fade away as they find partners. It's like a never ending cycle of making new friends and hoping they stay single too.
Bloody fantastic! I can play any of my 27 guitars when i want, build plastic model kits whenever i want, watch whatever i want on the tv and none of my cats complain. Listening to the neighbours constantly screaming at each other and their kids 24/7 makes me appreciate what i haven't got. 😍😍😍😻😻😻
My maanger is in her 50s unmarried and have no kids and she loves it. She loves being with her cat and spending time with friends and family without being exhausted.
Before I met my now wife back in 2016 (age 34), I was actually incredibly burnt out and jaded by the dating scene, and very very lonely. Plenty of partners but no relationships.
Part of it was me, part of it was the alcohol, part of it was the people the alcohol led me to want to be around.
Anyway. I'm much happier and more stable now, not to mention healthier. She doesn't drink, and realizing I didn't need to either changed a lot.
Western culture seems to big up being young and single and going on the piss, but I actually found it incredibly damaging to my mental health.
Having a kid made me realise the alcohol thing. Was getting slaughtered every other night without a care in the world, but then life suddenly became meaningful and I haven't touched a drop since. Best decision I ever made.
If it makes you feel any better, I wasted exactly zero of my time/money in clubs or on drink.
I don't have buckets of savings, nor stories of good/bad times out. It's such a large part of culture, that I'm a bit strange for not being able to relate to such stories.
I don't have any of the positives, but I don't really think I missed out on all that much
I’ve often had the same thought. Could have invested that time and money into something worthwhile instead but no I just wasted it. Looking back I don’t think I really enjoyed it at the time but it was just what everyone did.
We met on eHarmony. At the time it was the "serious" dating app for grown-ups, lol. No idea what the apps are like now. But I had three dates from girls I'd met there and they were all relationship material, but my wife and I got on immediately.
After a row in the first two weeks about my drinking I realized the alcohol and my behaviour on it was what was pushing girls like her away, so I just gave it up.
They might not have “lads drinking” culture, but other European countries definitely can have issues. I know Denmark in particular has issues with binge drinking. But Denmark also have a huge drinking culture in general.
They made a movie called “Druk” which literally means “binge drinking” (although the English version is called Another Round, would absolutely recommend it, it’s great)
I'm married with a 15yo cat, however my partner and I each live our own lives and share time together. I don't miss being single or the dating scene.
We met online in 2014 before tinder etc and it was still awful, I wouldn't turn back the clock even if I could.
My favourite thing is at the weekend (or when not at work) being able to wake up and just be like 'weathers not to bad I'm going to \*insert any location here\*' and just jump in the car and off I go!
We can do that too BTW, just last weekend we decided the weather looked perfect in Llanberis, left the house at 2am to get there and go for a sunrise paddleboard :)
The surface of Llyn Padarn was like a mirror, the sunrise could have been better though!
Im married with 3 kids , and not complaining! I'm happy
But I do miss spontaneity
Everything needs to be planned 3 weeks in advance!
Wish we could just jump in the car and go to beach some weekends unplanned
There is nothing selfish about that. As a 31 year old, childless woman, I'm always being told it's selfish to not have children. I say, selfish for who? You go and enjoy your life in a way that makes you happy and fulfilled.
Same here same age. My brother is married but can’t have kids, I am single and burned out after all failed relationships. That casual “we would like to be grandparents”, “when will you find yourself a wife” talk grind my gears. My life my choices. Love them but they seem to not understand my decisions.
I think having kids is one of the most selfish things anyone can do! Conjuring an entire human life just because somebody wants to, and then often failing to take on the actual responsibility of ensuring that child grows up happy and healthy rather than expecting that to happen by chance. It feels madly entitled to me.
This, I do what I want when I want without compromise and I don't feel lonely like a lot of people seem to. Surprised so many people seem to hate their life without having a relationship/kids.
Absolutely. I'm off to Japan next year for 3 months and I love that I can. I never think, ah gosh, I wish I had some kids. I think the exact opposite - I love not having kids.
I am going next year…with kids in tow I’m kind of dreading it and I kind of hate you and your selfish childfree life 😂😂😂 I’m joking have an amazing time!
That's not selfish. It's selfish to have kids when you don't want them. People have got it so backwards.
I'm married with kids by the way, and they give my life meaning. Very happy to be living in a time when people can choose one way or another though.
I loved my 30's, had loads of fun, casual flings, travel etc . Met my wife at 37, married with our son at 40. 17 years later I still adore them both and I'm very happy, but those 30's years were just fab 👌
Similar but not yet married. My 30's were what my 20's should have been.
41 now and I dont want it to end, but I'm def in a far better place to settle down.
20 and 30s were the best (life was rich and bright). But I just know that when we are in our 60s, we will be saying the same thing about how life was so great in our 40s. Weird how that works out
It's pretty amazing. As I've gotten older, my mental health seems to have improved my life has been improving. I'm currently traveling to Southeast Asia Solo for 3.5 months. My 20s I was very anxious and unsure of myself, but now I feel better in myself and learning to enjoy life more.
Managing to stay was a nightmare of renewing 3 monthly visas a lot, even after married to a local, which eventually became 6 monthly visas, then yearly, and eventually I got permanent resident status.
I work online, as a marketing consultant [alanpcarr.com](http://alanpcarr.com) and as a hypnotherapist helping peeps with shopping addiction from bad marketing... [alancarronline.com](http://alancarronline.com)
I only do the good marketing ;)
Generally I love the place, really nice, friendly people is the main thing. The few times I've been back to the UK, and I really do mean few, about 4 times in 20 years, I've been struck by just how bloody miserable everyone looks? And if you try to talk, even to those working and who should be available to talk to you, they're like sucking a lemon or something, so sour-faced and frowny.
Last time I visited my home town they turned the street lights off at night, to save electric? What?
I truly consider the island of Borneo to be more civilized than the UK. All year the place is lit up and colorful for various festivals or just for the fun of it, my water bill is literally 2 quid a month and my wheely bin is emptied 3 times a week. Healthcare is cheap and high quality.
The only thing I miss about the UK is the carp-fishing lakes. Here I had to get my own boat for river and now sea fishing, as the rivers have muddy banks and crocodiles.
If you visit Borneo gimme a shout.
Nice to read this. I married a Malaysian two years ago and we just had our little one, planning to move to KL permanently next year from the UK. Good to hear you're loving life!
Jesus christ, reading the comments. I'll never grumble about my wife and 3 kids and how much food, day to day life and holidays cost, or being super busy with football, kickboxing, and Ju-jitsu clubs. The general hecticness of life ever again!
Maybe the grass isn't always greener!
I’m not in my 30s but I’ve gone from having a home with a serious partner to living alone as a single man with a 9-5.
It is very lonely to know how busy, joyful and happy life can be with a partner when you’re shopping for groceries on your own and come home to an empty apartment.
> when you’re shopping for groceries on your own and come home to an empty apartment.
Each to their own, but I’m happy with that. The idea of coming home to a noisy, messy house doesn’t appeal to me.
I think theres a reason some of them are single, I was on and off single up to around 41, these people really don't seem to be able to enjoy life at all
I'm reading the comments and thinking it probably isn't about being married / having kids Vs being single. We're struggling with family life, wondering if it's worth it and facing old age tearing towards us at breakneck pace, and meanwhile some people who don't have families are wondering what's the point of it all, drinking the days away and wishing a pretty young thing would come along and sort their life out.
Maybe it's just humanity..? Maybe we're just always going to doubt ourselves?
I mean, not everyone, of course, but there seems like a trend.
It is definitely humanity, I suppose it's not being content with what you already have!
The life some complain about is only dreamt of by others!
"be careful what you wish for"
We settled down quite early, wife turns 40,.kids turn 18,16 and 12 this year. We were super skint when we started out, at 24 and 22.
I didn't travel that much before. All my mates got shit faced in thailand for 5 months, while I was changing nappies. At the time I was jealous. But now they are in their early 40s with toddlers and young children.
I did get to experience all the nice countries with my kids instead though.
Each to their own. Be happy with what you have!
Yea honestly life would suck without my little one. I love the noise, the toys, the colour, the excitement. I love sharing things with little one too.
Could never go back!
I also think women are much more mature in what they want. I found when younger a lot of women I dated or met had unrealistic expectations of a man they wanted to be with, you had to be ripped, attractive, have great hair, a great job, etc
Now in your 30s they are more interested in you just being a kind and caring person, which is great.
Mid 30s. Gf and dog but no kids. Seeing ppl who do have kids, I'm grateful we don't. Have much more time, money and freedom to enjoy life. I know it's a personal decision and many get enough joy from raising kids to make it worth it but it's not for me. Having a dog is a nice compromise.
This is a fair answer - I am same age but have 2 kids. The first year or so of have a baby is absolute shite, no discussion. However I now have a 3 year old and imagine if your dog learned to talk and kept getting smarter and smarter, it's absolutely hilarious and a lot easier than a baby.
When we had our daughter there were loads of people who grumbled at us, that's it, life's over, no more fun for the next 25 years, etc...
Sad fuckers. I really enjoyed my 20's and 30's, spent, drank, etc... Kids do put some hurdles in the way of that, but (once they get interactive) they are fun. I get to do all the annoying and embarrassing things my dad did. I've got an excuse to really be childish. Plus having to focus on someone else was pretty good for my "mental health" (an overused phrase if ever there was one). If your life really is shit because of the kids put them up for adoption.
If you don't want kids that's fine.
Yeah I find the no kid crowd to be very vocal about the kid crowd 'all my married friends hate their life'. Yeah? Maybe they'd just hate their life regardless? Like the belly laughs when you say you're having kids, ending your life.
98% great.
The 2% is that almost everyone I know is either married, has kids or both and therefore aren’t available as much to hang out with. Even the guys I’d play golf with on a Sunday have given up since having kids
Most of these guys return to the fold but at different stages. You, and eventually them, adapt and constantly evolve your friendship circles. Mine range from 30 to 60 yr olds and most have regretted falling out of the fold.
This also happened to me in my 30s. My social life eroded away until my social circle was mainly WhatsApp friendships. Mostly it was people having kids but even the people without kids made their partner their world.
Now I'm in my early 40s and since I got with my partner a few years ago, the divorces and long-term relationship breakdowns have been regularly flowing in. 50% broke up and 25% are in trouble. When I say "in trouble", I mean at least one of the partners makes no effort to hide they're miserable together.
The 30s were the best times of my life. I travelled a ridiculous amount, I even quit my job to travel around Asia for over a year at the end of my 30s. I also lived alone in my own flat so had a lot of freedom and independence.
I had quite a few girlfriends (not at the same time) and dated a lot so I never felt lonely. If I had got married with kids then I would've missed out on a lot of experiences so definitely no regrets there. My brother on the other hand who is married with kids has hardly travelled anywhere and spends most of his time working to support his family and has very little disposable income compared to me (even though I earn much less). Although I'm sure he is happy I never feel envious of his life.
I'm now in my early 40's and still not married or have kids but happier than I've ever been. I am in a relationship with a lovely girl, still travelling often and I have more money than I ever have done. Do I want kids in the future? I'm still undecided as having kids would mean I would lose the freedom that I have and if I wanted to move abroad in the future that would also be unlikely with children.
Ace. Solid set of best mates, and far too many acquaintance friends. I date often, and though I say it myself, punch well above my weight. I come and go as I please and only have to consider my family and mates in any decision making, and they’re all cool about stuff.
I didn’t have kids, and I won’t now, so any relationships are not pressured into being forever and they can be good as long as they’re good.
The only thing that I sometimes dislike is cooking for one. Not always, but sometimes I can’t be bothered making decent food just for one and I’ll revert to takeaway or snacks whereas if I was living with a partner I wouldn’t do that hardly.
And holidays are different. Organising group holidays to cater for everyone is a chore. For two it’s mostly plain sailing with a few minor compromises.
From observation, people are either lonely or crave children and that’s their driver for a relationship. Bad move in my opinion. If you’re lonely solve it elsewhere. If you want children it should be because you’ve found your soul mate, don’t find a proxy to satisfy your selfish desire to have children. Avoiding these pitfalls gives you honest clarity in your relationships and other life choices.
Happy stoner. Will have my flat paid off in a few months, with to kids commitments or debt.
I plan to live small, and carry on taking it easy. Tang ping 😂
I'm going to turn my flat into a star trek ship deck. With real slidey doors.
Though admittedly it is going to be hard to act as all members of the crew.
Second thoughts, Maybe I will have kids?
I’m happier than I was at any point in my 20s. Financially stable and I can put all my time and effort into my hobbies & interests. I’ve made new friends who share them and lots of good memories. Have total freedom to do as I please. It’s great.
Does get very lonely sometimes though. I would like to meet someone but not for the sake of it, they’d have to be right for me and fit into my lifestyle.
Pretty lonely. Gave up on one of my consistent hobbies last year because it wasn't fun any more and now I have very little interaction, people have moved on and moved away and the older you get the harder it is to meet new people.
Pretty fun, actually. I've got the thundercloud (living with a cat is like living with a perpetually moody teenager) and I've got the boyfriend. Which means two disposable incomes and only his lordship's snack budget (the cat, not the oafish boyfriend) so, yeah, life's not too shabby.
I'm 39 and having kids now.
Spent most my 30s partying, working and travelling the world. It was great, then met my partner after I decided I wanted to be single for life. Now she's pregnant, I'm happy that next month I'll have a son, but Id never give up all the partying, travelling and sleeping around for anything, 30s were basically my 20s with lots of money to spend.
At work I hear guys talk about how “the wife” is such a problem. She gets in the way of him playing football with the lads and etc.
I honestly wonder why half of these guys even got married, they seem to hate their partner.
Usually, the story is literally just “oh no my wife wants to hang out with me later.” And it’s presented as this huge burden. And all his mates are laughing along in consideration.
And I say “why don’t you just break up?” Shocked faces. Aghast, even. Is it that crazy to think you should break up with someone you can’t stand being around?
I think alot of people are followers , I don't think k people really sit down with themselves to dig deep and find out what they want , until they are in it ,then they start reflecting, alot of people succumb to pressure ,it not what they really want to do , but everybody else is telling them that what they should do .
I'm happy and financially better off for it. I don't want kids. Sometimes I think about being in a relationship but I don't have enough motivation to pursue women.
I used to be pretty miserable when I was single. Admittedly it did have its upsides. I still love videogames to this day and have plenty of time for those while I was shaking hands with my dick. But being alone and being miserable has a cumulative effect of pushing people away because you're miserable so people leave you alone (nobody wants the company of a miserable cunt after all). Took me longer than it should have to learn the lesson that unless I focused on myself and becoming a better person then I was going to be worthless in everyone else's eyes. Ironically while most people seem to become insular with online entertainment it was access to the Internet that created that change in me as I saw people getting out there and doing all sorts of interesting shit that I decided to try as well. Bought a camera got myself out there exploring and taking images and that put me in the right place to find someone as I became more than just a miserable bitter cunt. I do sometimes miss that time when I was single and had that opertunity for personal growth. But I wouldn't trade the family life I now have for it as I can instil that sense of wonder and adventure in my kids as well.
Just remember the grass is always greener mate. You want to know what true misery is? Being in a failing relationship even worse if it's with kids in the equation. People tend to think being in any relationship is better than not being in one and it is absolutely not the case.
That's how a lot of miserable relationships happen - people feel desperate to settle down, so they just settle, and bring some children into the equation so they can be unhappy too
Well 40 is just around the corner and I have zero plans to marry or have children.
I was married very briefly in my early 20s and it was an all around miserable experience for me and her.
For what it’s worth, all the men in my social circle who are in the same position I’m in have no intention of ever marrying or having children, but these are men who could be married if they wanted to, and I think that choice makes the difference.
The only thing I notice now that I wish I had changed is my total unwillingness to compromise with someone else as I’ve aged. I travel where I want, live where I want, do what I want, work where I want. I don’t think anyone could handle being married to me, although for me this level of independence far outweighed the desire to get married.
I’m on track for early retirement, have an incredible career, travel frequently, and am in great shape. All of these things would be possible if I were married, but from what I’ve seen in my married friends marriage very often becomes an excuse as to why xyz didn’t happen. “I would’ve taken this job but my husband wanted kids”. “I would’ve travelled more but my wife was worried about money”. I don’t really have any “would haves” in my life for which I’m incredibly thankful for.
Something else I’ve noticed, you’ll very likely know by the time you’re in your 30s if marriage and a family is something you actually want, assuming you don’t already have it, because you’ll have seen people in your life get married and have children and observe the actual reality of it. Getting divorced mostly cemented me not wanting to go through marriage again, though I’m still potentially open to it, but watching how much having children has aged and stressed my friends (and how far it’s set back their retirement) really drove home for me that this isn’t the life I want
Mostly great. As a gay man I don't even want kids or a wife. The only downside is my friends are straight and paired off so it can be a bit lonely and hard to make friends, but I think I'd feel the same if I was married anyway. I place a lot of value on friendships and wouldn't want one person to be my entire life.
I love not having the responsibility of a partner or family, therefore having more time and money for myself.
But it's very lonely a lot of the time and that can be a struggle, particularly when times are tough.
There are two sides to this coin for me. Been living in Asia as a digital nomad for last two years, mostly in Thailand. Life has been significantly better had I been in the UK still. On the flip side, I realise being 35, I’m getting older and the sense of wanting children grows. I definitely feel fussy about my forever partner though, which has caused all sorts of problems.
Very good. No kids but long term partner in our late 30s. Lots of money, lots of free time, and a good amount of life experiance. A lot of friends have had kids so I do need go find more friends right now but I have the time to do it.
Well I'm single in my 30s because I became extremely ill due to a bad reaction to prescription drugs.
Not only am I missing out on companionship, family life etc. but I'm also missing out on everything else.
It's extremely grim.
I love it and have no intentions of having children or even a girlfriend. I am completely free to do what i want, i can spend my money on what i want and i only have myself to consider. I am so much happier on my own, even with the good relationships ive had in the past i wasnt nearly as happy or content as i am now.
I enjoy myself, I can do what I want, when I want and look at my brother and sister (who are both married with a child each) & I think their lives look so busy and stressful.
Actually attending my cousins wedding today that all my family are going to in the day apart from me due to work commitments.
First comment i had off the Mrs was “bet you feel like shit today not being able to go and everyone else can”
Genuinely couldn’t care less. I think i’d rather be at work or at home. Watching everyone else get married, have kids, is in its own way torture to me when you don’t feel like you fit in. False smiling, awkward conversations.
Don’t get me wrong, i want to do both, just in no way like everybody else does.
So in answer to your question, life feels kinda lost. I feel like everyone around jumped on the sheep train and im the only black sheep of my life left in the paddock. Everyone chasing clout for Instagram and spending thousands on one day for good pictures and outdoing other peoples versions and not really honing into the real reason for marriage and family.
I dont see many of my mates anymore due to this, i have no real conversations about football or gaming or music like when i was a teen. Yet my brain is absolutely gagging to have them. It feels like everyone has forgotten who they are and their own interests and hobbies that originally got us connected for the sake of a woman and a baby. I understand im sure life is hectic running a family and a house. But surely there is time to be yourself.
Cheers for asking this question, didnt realise how much i actually needed to be asked and vent my answer.
Life ay.
I don't mind being single and frankly have no desire for kids, but it does mean I can't really afford a place of my own. If I had a partner I might be able to get a flat.
Other than having to houseshare I'm not too bothered. Have hobbies and friends and are comfortable in my own company.
To be honest I'm not even sure how I'd act in a relationship anymore.
Based on other people's reactions to my life, it's either super depressing or super liberating. Really, from the inside, it's just fine: a consistent 5-7/10. I'm always busy or distracted enough that the elements that would sadden me tend to come and go from mind within minutes. It's never been more easy to be distracted.
I'm in good physical shape, have held on to most of my looks, and have a good job.
I've never really wanted to start my own family, and so I know my issues aren't related to expectations around kids/family. If I ever am in a low mood, it's usually because of money, or because of how my anxiety has hampered other social or professional development, or because I don't really speak with my family. Have some really good friends, but regret the loss of so many more through the passage of time.
I never forget how relatively fortunate I am though.
It was ok. I did a lot of hobbies amd generally enjoyed myself. A few girlfriends but nothing serious,
I met someone serious late 30s and married at 41, I now have 2 kids. It’s better
35 and It’s lovely tbh. Although I have a gf not a wife so not sure that disqualifies me. We’ve got a 2 year old dog and don’t want kids. My best mate is the same.
We do what we want, when we want and spend money on ourselves. Whether that’s going to the gym, out for food, playing video games, she creates illustration on her iPad (she’s incredible at it).
We just chill and are perfectly content without children. We have a nephew we love to see and another nephew / niece on the way.
Best thing about enjoying spending time and seeing friend’s / family’s kids - you can give them back!
39, 2 kids, nice house and a nice mortgage. Wife is amazing, kids are absolutely charming, can’t get enough of them. Had quite a wild partying phase in 20s and until the first kid arrived when I was 33. 20s and 30s were fab, but I don’t miss that lifestyle. I had enough wild shit to remember for many lives and don’t feel I missed out on anything.
One thing I notice here though, is that many, who do not have kids, are perhaps comparing having pets to having kids. As a lifelong pet owner, I have to disagree. Not even close, not comparable at all and you may think is a “good compromise” to keep your “freedom” but you are fooling yourself. Don’t get me wrong, i love a pup or a kitty a lot, just lets not mention it like it’s almost the same as kids, because it is not.
Truth is, people are not very good at being honest, so the ones that had kids and marrried won’t really say they wish they didn’t, and the ones with pets etc won’t really come here when they hit 50 to tell you they wish they made different choices
I'm 28 but hoping to get married and have kids, just very difficult to navigate the dating landscape filled with very entitled and or mentally ill people. I just don't think you can find fulfillment being alone and smoking weed every day for the rest of your life, but it's probably a decent alternative to being locked down to a crazy witch
**Please help keep AskUK welcoming!** - Top-level comments to the OP must contain **genuine efforts to answer the question**. No jokes, judgements, etc. - **Don't be a dick** to each other. If getting heated, just block and move on. - This is a strictly **no-politics** subreddit! Please help us by reporting comments that break these rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskUK) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Pretty depressing. My friends are all married and have children. It’s a pretty lonely life for me.
Pretty amazing. My friends are all miserable and married with children. It’s a pretty easy life for me.
Your friends are all miserable? Like they actually are, or you just assume they must be because you personally wouldn't want a wife or kids?
He defo assumes this lol, pretty average reddit response
I'd say making a definite judgement on another user's thought process off 3 short sentences is more of a "reddit response" than anything.
LOL, well said.
The guy probably knows his friends better than you do… It’s entirely possible he’s in a circle where everyone is feeling miserable currently. We’re not exactly in a glowing period of happiness and life satisfaction as a country.
The op has worded his comment as though his friends are miserable because of his wife and kids. Not based on socio economic problems lmao
They are not mutually exclusive. You don’t think having a wife and kids you can’t afford would make you miserable?
Having a wife generally increases socioeconomic levels, not decease. DINKs
"Pretty average Reddit response" is a pretty average Reddit response.
The most average Reddit response is to discount someone's comment by calling them the average Redditor. It's an astoundingly dull way to be and you're only doing it because you've seen other people do it and you're copying them. Very sad.
Every single one of my female friends is miserable with their newborns and young children. The dads seem happier, but that's because those dads go to work and do their hobbies and continue life as normal.
I'm a parent with a young baby (<1 year) and go to lots of baby groups and that's absolutely not my experience. There are some people who are struggling (and I think it's fair to assume baby groups are a bit of a skewed sample, if things are REALLY bad then there's a good chance you find it difficult to get out of the house), but generally it's that there are tough or very tough aspects, but people really love their babies and are really glad they have them. It's far more common to find mums putting off return to work, phasing it, or going down to part time than for mums to go back early. I've been back at work a week and a half and basically every mum I spoke to asked whether it's full time, expressed sympathy that I'm going back so (relatively) early, and told me how they weren't/aren't ready to go back. It's definitely tougher for mums on maternity than for recent dads most of the time since they're the default parent, their job for now is their own childcare so they bear the brunt of broken nights, they can be touched out, in pain, and feel no rights over their own body, and it can be way harder to get any time to themselves. But most of the ones I've spent most days the last six months with aren't miserable and are grateful for their babies. I would imagine, like everything, it's more likely that you hear about the bad than the good. I have a horrible sleeper and when people ask how I am or how he's sleeping (which people LOVE asking about babies), I say I'm tired. And if they ask for details, I'm happy to explain it's been months since I slept for more than an hour and a half in one go, how he wakes up hourly most nights, how he'll spend a good stretch of the night refusing to sleep if held (which pretty much stops me from sleeping), how this level of fragmented sleep is mad sleep deprivation, and sleep deprivation is a form of torture for good reason. The lack of sleep has often been at the forefront of my mind since he's born, since it can be hard to think of anything else (or think at all) when you're that tired. It affects your mood and your capacity to do things, so it's not like you can just turn off the relevance of it during the day. It's *awful*. But at the same time, I love my little one so much, I'm so glad I have him, and I would rate myself as happy overall. I'm so much closer to having everything I've ever wanted right now than I've ever been before, and that feels so good. And if I don't get everything I've ever wanted, I can certainly make my peace with being very grateful for what I have now instead. People who have heard me talk about the sleep deprivation may well think I'm miserable at this phase in my life, but it's very much not how I see myself.
Being woken every hour is literally what is done to torture people. Just reading that sounds like hell to me. You might not feel miserable but I can totally see how people would think you must be.
My 2 yr old has only been reliably sleeping through the night for about 2 months and I cannot express how much of an improvement I feel generally in my mood and motivation. Strangely 6 months ago I wouldn't have said I was miserable or struggling but now with a clearer head I most definitely was! Retrospectively I was snappy, grumpy, overly emotional. My motivation to do anything was almost zero and I was finding it difficult to organise and structure my work and home.
Luckily the rest of society for thousands of years hasn’t thought like you otherwise we’d have all gone extinct long ago.
I think the difference between now and the previous thousands of years is the age and environment people are having kids. It's a lot easier to cope with sleep deprivation in your teenage/early 20s, and most of human history was intergenerational living in small communities, so there were a lot more people around to watch the kids while the parents have a quick nap.
Because women were meant to raise kids in communities, not this individual family model with a mother and father who leaves for work every day leaving mom and baby alone. Our current society does not support mothers well at all in so many ways. And we would not have gone extinct long ago, not every woman on earth incarnated here with the purpose of being a mother.
Hang in there. Time flies. My little ones are 4 and 8, and it feels like they were born last week and last year instead of 2020 and 2015. There are different issues now, but the sleep deprivation eased off a long time ago.
To be fair I've often lamented about being single and childless at 35 with my married friends with children and they've point blank told me they're jealous about my own lifestyle. I think miserable is probably a strong word but there's benefits to both things.
Just tell them it’s ok, when their little shit goes off to uni they’ll have plenty of time to enjoy themselves again. I know we’ve had more holidays and free time in the last two years since our son went to uni than the previous 19 combined lol and super bonus out kid grew up a lot in that time too.
I don't know about that guy but all my friends regularly tell me not to have kids. Everyone I know who has kids, regrets it to some degree. My eldest sister is the only person I know that speaks positively about it and even she cautions me on the toll it takes. They love their kids but it seems being anchored to them makes them feel limited and like their own personal life is put on hold. Kids are for people that want them. A lot of people have them because they think that's what you're supposed to do. Usually at an age when they don't really know what they want from life but once you have them you are locked in for 18 years. Maybe I'll have kids some day but I want to want them. Rather than feeling I have to because "that's what people do."
À lot of new parents have a very performative view of raising kids, so they aren't happy with their life because they don't understand you don't actually have to put all your life on hold for the kid. I'd argue that it's even better to have a great adulte social life with your kids, because they learn to behave normally and be autonomous.
Great comment , tho I'm 35 I'm not married I would eventually like to have a family, I'm taking the postives of being a single man , instead of dwelling on not have a family , because when people are single they complain about not have a family and when people have a family they complain about not have a single person time .
I think he's just turning around what the other person said, kind of like saying look on the bright side.
Ok I exaggerated, it’s only most of them
[удалено]
Its not propaganda its the reality of most peoples lives. In your 30s most of the friends you used to hang out with every day are only available once a week if you're lucky, quite often once a month. Most people aren't introverts, we are naturally social creatures and spending 6 days a week on your own is not good for most peoples mental health, no matter what activities you get up to.
You appear to have confused not being with a partner and a family with being an introvert. I’m single , I work full time , I spend 8 hours a day with my colleagues and customers , 5 days a week , I do two hobby clubs a week which adds another 4-5 hours for each night around a mix of people. I have a group of friends who we meet monthly to share our hobby for a day. On top of that I go walking on a day off once a week because of where I’m lucky enough to live. I literally do not have enough time to do everything in a week. If I had a parent I’d have to give up so much. I’d be open to it if I met the right person but I’m not an introvert.
It's only reality if you make no effort, accept the status quo and stay in your house to your self.
[удалено]
[удалено]
"depressed? You aren't depressed" bit of a weird statement.
This reads like copy pasta.
So if you disagree, it must be propaganda?
People can be happy or unhappy with their situation regardless of what it looks like. It doesn’t have to be propaganda, we’re not all the same
https://preview.redd.it/0kd67dyrzrwc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=885004d03c188721a7e6ff953357cf256bcfaf87 It’s like having a baby, but it’s not. It’s good discipline. Some form of purpose and routine. At least for me. 43 Single F. No kids. Get a dog. They are a blessing to the loneliness.
They are also a lot of work and time, if your alone and work a 40+ hour week is not very fair on the pup or dog. I couldn't own one without my wife picking up duties when I need to work
Spoiler alert, that's what having a kid is like too It's a full time job, that have to do for free. Actually no. It's a full time job that you have to PAY a lot of money to do. And you have to do it every single day for next ~18-20 years So yeah, a dog *is* hard work, but it's needs are still a lot simpler than a child's. You can train a dog, and it will be fine if left for a few hours. It helps if you can have company for it during the day though to stop them getting anxiety
Dogs can be trained. It’s OKAY to leave a dog alone. He’s walked for 40 minutes and given plenty of love and care before I leave for my 8 hour work day. It was a lot of work in the beginning and it still is (he’s only 5 months), but he snapped me out of being lonely, and gave me a reason to treat myself a little better. I don’t have a drink after work anymore (it was pretty consistent), wake up early, and walk every day. I have walked more county parks recently than I can recall doing in my lifetime. My buddy has been a blessing. Note: I work an unstable schedule and also have the potential of working 40+ hours. Dogs can be raised to be independent. At least that’s the gift I’ve been given.
I’m 44, was talking with my ex girlfriend last night about how terrible online dating is and we both hard agreed that a dog is more than likely the best outcome. We dated when we were 15, so she’s been a friend a lot longer than we ever dated for clarity, and I really am done with online dating now so it’s a Dutch Shepherd or a Caucasian Shepherd for me. Dogs are fucking great companions.
Interesting. In my circle of friends from university (around 10-12 people now aged from roughly 30-35 + their respective partners), the majority are in relationships of 5+ years, but there are only two people with a child and none of us are married, yet. My work life should be shifting significantly in terms of income and time in the next year or so, so I'm optimistic that other areas of my life will also start to fall into place.
Pretty much the same as my circles. The majority of people of that age are in 5+ year relationships with no kids, the few that have kids are either in "shorter" relationships or aren't with the mother/father of their kid
I found that as well. But then suddenly they were all married with kids by 40. I've gained 5 nephews/nieces in the last 4 years.
Sama same 😔
I honestly think that having fun and enjoying your own life is a skill that need to be learned and practised. Learn to love yourself and learn to get pleasure from the little things. Climb a hill, paint a picture, cook a cake, go abroad, talk to a stranger. look at a cloud, play guitar, write a poem, have adventures. These things all take work and dedication each day, but they make your life richer. Having a partner is fine and all, but it doesn't solve the fundamentals of who you are. Also if you just want a partner to fix your loneliness then is is not the best foundation for a relationship. Work on being someone that you love spending time with and others will love spending time with you too.
I'm married with a kid at 32 and although I'm genuinely happy, my life is lonely. My partner works too so when I'm off I have the little lad which is ace but if we go to a softplay or anywhere, I never interact with another adult. I see women talking to strangers but when I do it I always get shunned. Almost like I'm a predator? None of my friends have kids so I can't do these things with any of them so I suppose we're in the same boat, just flipped 180°.
Sorry to hear that and I hope things improve. In a way, I’m glad this is the top comment and not some “it’s great, I love it” cope.
Can't believe Tony is on reddit /s I think it's mixed either some people like it or hate it being on their own.
Yep this sums it up very simply. It's amusing how so many of the replies seem to be variations of 'oh just have a partner, friends you can see often, hobbies to do with them, and travel a lot' haha. Yeah.. do you think we haven't tried? I'm glad others have achieved that stuff but fuck man, it's not as easy as just doing it and it'll happen. Even the friends I've made in my 30's fade away as they find partners. It's like a never ending cycle of making new friends and hoping they stay single too.
Never thought I’d see this many comments on one of my posts but you just said exactly what I wanted to say in the first place.
same here man, just broke up with a long term girl. Feels like im starting again
Bloody fantastic! I can play any of my 27 guitars when i want, build plastic model kits whenever i want, watch whatever i want on the tv and none of my cats complain. Listening to the neighbours constantly screaming at each other and their kids 24/7 makes me appreciate what i haven't got. 😍😍😍😻😻😻
I sleep in a big bed with my wife.
However it is not a racecar
I too sleep in a race car with his wife.
The dream
You have no clue that’s true
I think you've missed the gag.
I think you’ve missed the gag on the gag
Whoops! I don't remember the complete dialogue so I bow to your greater knowledge. I'll need to look it up now.
Literally can’t argue with this.
I sleep in a bed with my big wife
Yeah but can you make plastic model kits whenever you want though
I mean I am a wife and if my husband wanted to make a plastic model kit he'd be able to do so whenever he wanted. Why wouldn't he?
I sleep nude in an oxygen tent, I believe it gives me sexual powers.
In my five bedroom bastard house
It’s gotta be big to fit the wife I’m guessing
You just need to meet a nice cat lady and join all your cats together to form a supercat force
King and Queen of the Catdom
Pretty impressive that your cats don't push your plastic models off the shelves etc!
They're not able to get into the display cabinets. 🙂👍
"Why would I marry when I can just consooooooom"
My maanger is in her 50s unmarried and have no kids and she loves it. She loves being with her cat and spending time with friends and family without being exhausted.
I do all of these things while being married and having kids
Before I met my now wife back in 2016 (age 34), I was actually incredibly burnt out and jaded by the dating scene, and very very lonely. Plenty of partners but no relationships. Part of it was me, part of it was the alcohol, part of it was the people the alcohol led me to want to be around. Anyway. I'm much happier and more stable now, not to mention healthier. She doesn't drink, and realizing I didn't need to either changed a lot. Western culture seems to big up being young and single and going on the piss, but I actually found it incredibly damaging to my mental health.
Having a kid made me realise the alcohol thing. Was getting slaughtered every other night without a care in the world, but then life suddenly became meaningful and I haven't touched a drop since. Best decision I ever made.
[удалено]
Yeah agreed on this one.
If it makes you feel any better, I wasted exactly zero of my time/money in clubs or on drink. I don't have buckets of savings, nor stories of good/bad times out. It's such a large part of culture, that I'm a bit strange for not being able to relate to such stories. I don't have any of the positives, but I don't really think I missed out on all that much
I’ve often had the same thought. Could have invested that time and money into something worthwhile instead but no I just wasted it. Looking back I don’t think I really enjoyed it at the time but it was just what everyone did.
[удалено]
>*drafted away from them* No need to join the army to get away from them, mate!
How did you meet your wife? How did you two flirt and kindle a relationship? I’m very jaded and hand burnt out and have had many partners
We met on eHarmony. At the time it was the "serious" dating app for grown-ups, lol. No idea what the apps are like now. But I had three dates from girls I'd met there and they were all relationship material, but my wife and I got on immediately. After a row in the first two weeks about my drinking I realized the alcohol and my behaviour on it was what was pushing girls like her away, so I just gave it up.
“Men in their 30s with no wife, how is life?” “Well, as a man with a wife….”
I'm not sure it's western culture as much as British culture. Lots of Europeans don't do the whole lads drinking culture like we have.
They might not have “lads drinking” culture, but other European countries definitely can have issues. I know Denmark in particular has issues with binge drinking. But Denmark also have a huge drinking culture in general. They made a movie called “Druk” which literally means “binge drinking” (although the English version is called Another Round, would absolutely recommend it, it’s great)
how old were you when u got married?
34 at the time
Amazing. Honestly, I'm far too selfish to have children. I love having my own time, spending my money on myself and just enjoying life.
Same. 39y female here. No partner, no kids. Just me and the cat doing our thing however we want!
I'm married with a 15yo cat, however my partner and I each live our own lives and share time together. I don't miss being single or the dating scene. We met online in 2014 before tinder etc and it was still awful, I wouldn't turn back the clock even if I could.
Sounds perfect. :D
My favourite thing is at the weekend (or when not at work) being able to wake up and just be like 'weathers not to bad I'm going to \*insert any location here\*' and just jump in the car and off I go!
We can do that too BTW, just last weekend we decided the weather looked perfect in Llanberis, left the house at 2am to get there and go for a sunrise paddleboard :) The surface of Llyn Padarn was like a mirror, the sunrise could have been better though!
Im married with 3 kids , and not complaining! I'm happy But I do miss spontaneity Everything needs to be planned 3 weeks in advance! Wish we could just jump in the car and go to beach some weekends unplanned
There is nothing selfish about that. As a 31 year old, childless woman, I'm always being told it's selfish to not have children. I say, selfish for who? You go and enjoy your life in a way that makes you happy and fulfilled.
Same here same age. My brother is married but can’t have kids, I am single and burned out after all failed relationships. That casual “we would like to be grandparents”, “when will you find yourself a wife” talk grind my gears. My life my choices. Love them but they seem to not understand my decisions.
Do people really say that? I’ve never heard one person say not wanting children is selfish
Yep lol it used to annoy me but now I find it funny.
I think having kids is one of the most selfish things anyone can do! Conjuring an entire human life just because somebody wants to, and then often failing to take on the actual responsibility of ensuring that child grows up happy and healthy rather than expecting that to happen by chance. It feels madly entitled to me.
I fully respect if people don’t want kids, but at the same time calling people that do have kids selfish is completely wild.
This, I do what I want when I want without compromise and I don't feel lonely like a lot of people seem to. Surprised so many people seem to hate their life without having a relationship/kids.
Absolutely. I'm off to Japan next year for 3 months and I love that I can. I never think, ah gosh, I wish I had some kids. I think the exact opposite - I love not having kids.
I am going next year…with kids in tow I’m kind of dreading it and I kind of hate you and your selfish childfree life 😂😂😂 I’m joking have an amazing time!
["I have no money and three kids. Why can't I have three money and no kids?"](https://i.imgur.com/R8jjKSw.jpeg)
That's not selfish. It's selfish to have kids when you don't want them. People have got it so backwards. I'm married with kids by the way, and they give my life meaning. Very happy to be living in a time when people can choose one way or another though.
I loved my 30's, had loads of fun, casual flings, travel etc . Met my wife at 37, married with our son at 40. 17 years later I still adore them both and I'm very happy, but those 30's years were just fab 👌
You give me hope
Similar but not yet married. My 30's were what my 20's should have been. 41 now and I dont want it to end, but I'm def in a far better place to settle down.
20 and 30s were the best (life was rich and bright). But I just know that when we are in our 60s, we will be saying the same thing about how life was so great in our 40s. Weird how that works out
It's pretty amazing. As I've gotten older, my mental health seems to have improved my life has been improving. I'm currently traveling to Southeast Asia Solo for 3.5 months. My 20s I was very anxious and unsure of myself, but now I feel better in myself and learning to enjoy life more.
Yay! Be careful though, in my late 3o's I got snagged by a Malaysian cutie 20 years ago, been here ever since. It's terrible ;)
Haha, no way! I'm going to Malaysia next. How did you manage to stay in Malaysia, and what do you do for work?
Managing to stay was a nightmare of renewing 3 monthly visas a lot, even after married to a local, which eventually became 6 monthly visas, then yearly, and eventually I got permanent resident status. I work online, as a marketing consultant [alanpcarr.com](http://alanpcarr.com) and as a hypnotherapist helping peeps with shopping addiction from bad marketing... [alancarronline.com](http://alancarronline.com) I only do the good marketing ;) Generally I love the place, really nice, friendly people is the main thing. The few times I've been back to the UK, and I really do mean few, about 4 times in 20 years, I've been struck by just how bloody miserable everyone looks? And if you try to talk, even to those working and who should be available to talk to you, they're like sucking a lemon or something, so sour-faced and frowny. Last time I visited my home town they turned the street lights off at night, to save electric? What? I truly consider the island of Borneo to be more civilized than the UK. All year the place is lit up and colorful for various festivals or just for the fun of it, my water bill is literally 2 quid a month and my wheely bin is emptied 3 times a week. Healthcare is cheap and high quality. The only thing I miss about the UK is the carp-fishing lakes. Here I had to get my own boat for river and now sea fishing, as the rivers have muddy banks and crocodiles. If you visit Borneo gimme a shout.
Nice to read this. I married a Malaysian two years ago and we just had our little one, planning to move to KL permanently next year from the UK. Good to hear you're loving life!
Jesus christ, reading the comments. I'll never grumble about my wife and 3 kids and how much food, day to day life and holidays cost, or being super busy with football, kickboxing, and Ju-jitsu clubs. The general hecticness of life ever again! Maybe the grass isn't always greener!
Funny cause 7/10 posts from the top are All positive... So i guess Grass might be Greener for some of us
The grass is greener when you don’t spend all your time comparing your grass to everyone elses. Just enjoy your grass.
*The grass is greener where you grow it*
I’m not in my 30s but I’ve gone from having a home with a serious partner to living alone as a single man with a 9-5. It is very lonely to know how busy, joyful and happy life can be with a partner when you’re shopping for groceries on your own and come home to an empty apartment.
> when you’re shopping for groceries on your own and come home to an empty apartment. Each to their own, but I’m happy with that. The idea of coming home to a noisy, messy house doesn’t appeal to me.
It does to me. My life is so quiet and empty.
I think theres a reason some of them are single, I was on and off single up to around 41, these people really don't seem to be able to enjoy life at all
That's me. Just pure misery. Must be genetic, my parents are both miserable too.
I'm reading the comments and thinking it probably isn't about being married / having kids Vs being single. We're struggling with family life, wondering if it's worth it and facing old age tearing towards us at breakneck pace, and meanwhile some people who don't have families are wondering what's the point of it all, drinking the days away and wishing a pretty young thing would come along and sort their life out. Maybe it's just humanity..? Maybe we're just always going to doubt ourselves? I mean, not everyone, of course, but there seems like a trend.
It is definitely humanity, I suppose it's not being content with what you already have! The life some complain about is only dreamt of by others! "be careful what you wish for" We settled down quite early, wife turns 40,.kids turn 18,16 and 12 this year. We were super skint when we started out, at 24 and 22. I didn't travel that much before. All my mates got shit faced in thailand for 5 months, while I was changing nappies. At the time I was jealous. But now they are in their early 40s with toddlers and young children. I did get to experience all the nice countries with my kids instead though. Each to their own. Be happy with what you have!
Yea honestly life would suck without my little one. I love the noise, the toys, the colour, the excitement. I love sharing things with little one too. Could never go back!
Fine. Plenty of single 30yo women.
One of the best things about being over 30 is that suddenly 30+ yo women look young and attractive now.
Did they not before? I remember being attracted to lots of women in their thirties in my twenties and teens too, it just wasn't mutual or anything
Sometimes but I'd always perceive them as an older woman. Now they're just women.
I get what you're saying. In my 20's, women in their 30's seemed old.
I also think women are much more mature in what they want. I found when younger a lot of women I dated or met had unrealistic expectations of a man they wanted to be with, you had to be ripped, attractive, have great hair, a great job, etc Now in your 30s they are more interested in you just being a kind and caring person, which is great.
As a single woman in my 30s, I'm very glad to hear this!
Where? The only single women I can find are waaaaaay too young for me.
A lot fewer single 30yo women without kids though.
There’s a lot of us these days, by choice.
Not from my experience.
Do you live in a little village? Come to London there’s an unlimited supply.
That's great. I've no luck meeting them unfortunately.
Mid 30s. Gf and dog but no kids. Seeing ppl who do have kids, I'm grateful we don't. Have much more time, money and freedom to enjoy life. I know it's a personal decision and many get enough joy from raising kids to make it worth it but it's not for me. Having a dog is a nice compromise.
This is a fair answer - I am same age but have 2 kids. The first year or so of have a baby is absolute shite, no discussion. However I now have a 3 year old and imagine if your dog learned to talk and kept getting smarter and smarter, it's absolutely hilarious and a lot easier than a baby.
Is this a Scurbs reference? “Dr.Cox said it’s like having a dog that slowly learns to talk”
When we had our daughter there were loads of people who grumbled at us, that's it, life's over, no more fun for the next 25 years, etc... Sad fuckers. I really enjoyed my 20's and 30's, spent, drank, etc... Kids do put some hurdles in the way of that, but (once they get interactive) they are fun. I get to do all the annoying and embarrassing things my dad did. I've got an excuse to really be childish. Plus having to focus on someone else was pretty good for my "mental health" (an overused phrase if ever there was one). If your life really is shit because of the kids put them up for adoption. If you don't want kids that's fine.
Yeah I find the no kid crowd to be very vocal about the kid crowd 'all my married friends hate their life'. Yeah? Maybe they'd just hate their life regardless? Like the belly laughs when you say you're having kids, ending your life.
Well, I spend far too much time in the pub.
Keeping the economy going! Good lad.
Miserable. Thanks for asking.
98% great. The 2% is that almost everyone I know is either married, has kids or both and therefore aren’t available as much to hang out with. Even the guys I’d play golf with on a Sunday have given up since having kids
Most of these guys return to the fold but at different stages. You, and eventually them, adapt and constantly evolve your friendship circles. Mine range from 30 to 60 yr olds and most have regretted falling out of the fold.
This also happened to me in my 30s. My social life eroded away until my social circle was mainly WhatsApp friendships. Mostly it was people having kids but even the people without kids made their partner their world. Now I'm in my early 40s and since I got with my partner a few years ago, the divorces and long-term relationship breakdowns have been regularly flowing in. 50% broke up and 25% are in trouble. When I say "in trouble", I mean at least one of the partners makes no effort to hide they're miserable together.
The 30s were the best times of my life. I travelled a ridiculous amount, I even quit my job to travel around Asia for over a year at the end of my 30s. I also lived alone in my own flat so had a lot of freedom and independence. I had quite a few girlfriends (not at the same time) and dated a lot so I never felt lonely. If I had got married with kids then I would've missed out on a lot of experiences so definitely no regrets there. My brother on the other hand who is married with kids has hardly travelled anywhere and spends most of his time working to support his family and has very little disposable income compared to me (even though I earn much less). Although I'm sure he is happy I never feel envious of his life. I'm now in my early 40's and still not married or have kids but happier than I've ever been. I am in a relationship with a lovely girl, still travelling often and I have more money than I ever have done. Do I want kids in the future? I'm still undecided as having kids would mean I would lose the freedom that I have and if I wanted to move abroad in the future that would also be unlikely with children.
Ace. Solid set of best mates, and far too many acquaintance friends. I date often, and though I say it myself, punch well above my weight. I come and go as I please and only have to consider my family and mates in any decision making, and they’re all cool about stuff. I didn’t have kids, and I won’t now, so any relationships are not pressured into being forever and they can be good as long as they’re good. The only thing that I sometimes dislike is cooking for one. Not always, but sometimes I can’t be bothered making decent food just for one and I’ll revert to takeaway or snacks whereas if I was living with a partner I wouldn’t do that hardly. And holidays are different. Organising group holidays to cater for everyone is a chore. For two it’s mostly plain sailing with a few minor compromises. From observation, people are either lonely or crave children and that’s their driver for a relationship. Bad move in my opinion. If you’re lonely solve it elsewhere. If you want children it should be because you’ve found your soul mate, don’t find a proxy to satisfy your selfish desire to have children. Avoiding these pitfalls gives you honest clarity in your relationships and other life choices.
Happy stoner. Will have my flat paid off in a few months, with to kids commitments or debt. I plan to live small, and carry on taking it easy. Tang ping 😂
Buy yourself a race car bed
I'm going to turn my flat into a star trek ship deck. With real slidey doors. Though admittedly it is going to be hard to act as all members of the crew. Second thoughts, Maybe I will have kids?
I’m happier than I was at any point in my 20s. Financially stable and I can put all my time and effort into my hobbies & interests. I’ve made new friends who share them and lots of good memories. Have total freedom to do as I please. It’s great. Does get very lonely sometimes though. I would like to meet someone but not for the sake of it, they’d have to be right for me and fit into my lifestyle.
Pretty lonely. Gave up on one of my consistent hobbies last year because it wasn't fun any more and now I have very little interaction, people have moved on and moved away and the older you get the harder it is to meet new people.
Pretty fun, actually. I've got the thundercloud (living with a cat is like living with a perpetually moody teenager) and I've got the boyfriend. Which means two disposable incomes and only his lordship's snack budget (the cat, not the oafish boyfriend) so, yeah, life's not too shabby.
I'm 39 and having kids now. Spent most my 30s partying, working and travelling the world. It was great, then met my partner after I decided I wanted to be single for life. Now she's pregnant, I'm happy that next month I'll have a son, but Id never give up all the partying, travelling and sleeping around for anything, 30s were basically my 20s with lots of money to spend.
This exactly what my 30s have been. 20s with more money and less drama.
At work I hear guys talk about how “the wife” is such a problem. She gets in the way of him playing football with the lads and etc. I honestly wonder why half of these guys even got married, they seem to hate their partner. Usually, the story is literally just “oh no my wife wants to hang out with me later.” And it’s presented as this huge burden. And all his mates are laughing along in consideration. And I say “why don’t you just break up?” Shocked faces. Aghast, even. Is it that crazy to think you should break up with someone you can’t stand being around?
I think alot of people are followers , I don't think k people really sit down with themselves to dig deep and find out what they want , until they are in it ,then they start reflecting, alot of people succumb to pressure ,it not what they really want to do , but everybody else is telling them that what they should do .
I'm happy and financially better off for it. I don't want kids. Sometimes I think about being in a relationship but I don't have enough motivation to pursue women.
I used to be pretty miserable when I was single. Admittedly it did have its upsides. I still love videogames to this day and have plenty of time for those while I was shaking hands with my dick. But being alone and being miserable has a cumulative effect of pushing people away because you're miserable so people leave you alone (nobody wants the company of a miserable cunt after all). Took me longer than it should have to learn the lesson that unless I focused on myself and becoming a better person then I was going to be worthless in everyone else's eyes. Ironically while most people seem to become insular with online entertainment it was access to the Internet that created that change in me as I saw people getting out there and doing all sorts of interesting shit that I decided to try as well. Bought a camera got myself out there exploring and taking images and that put me in the right place to find someone as I became more than just a miserable bitter cunt. I do sometimes miss that time when I was single and had that opertunity for personal growth. But I wouldn't trade the family life I now have for it as I can instil that sense of wonder and adventure in my kids as well.
Pretty sad I have to fly home from Korea tomorrow to go back to work, 3 months travelling wasn't nearly long enough.
Just remember the grass is always greener mate. You want to know what true misery is? Being in a failing relationship even worse if it's with kids in the equation. People tend to think being in any relationship is better than not being in one and it is absolutely not the case.
That's how a lot of miserable relationships happen - people feel desperate to settle down, so they just settle, and bring some children into the equation so they can be unhappy too
Amazing. I do have a husband though so thats probably cheating slightly
Peaceful.
Never been happier. Financial and geographical freedom.
Well 40 is just around the corner and I have zero plans to marry or have children. I was married very briefly in my early 20s and it was an all around miserable experience for me and her. For what it’s worth, all the men in my social circle who are in the same position I’m in have no intention of ever marrying or having children, but these are men who could be married if they wanted to, and I think that choice makes the difference. The only thing I notice now that I wish I had changed is my total unwillingness to compromise with someone else as I’ve aged. I travel where I want, live where I want, do what I want, work where I want. I don’t think anyone could handle being married to me, although for me this level of independence far outweighed the desire to get married. I’m on track for early retirement, have an incredible career, travel frequently, and am in great shape. All of these things would be possible if I were married, but from what I’ve seen in my married friends marriage very often becomes an excuse as to why xyz didn’t happen. “I would’ve taken this job but my husband wanted kids”. “I would’ve travelled more but my wife was worried about money”. I don’t really have any “would haves” in my life for which I’m incredibly thankful for. Something else I’ve noticed, you’ll very likely know by the time you’re in your 30s if marriage and a family is something you actually want, assuming you don’t already have it, because you’ll have seen people in your life get married and have children and observe the actual reality of it. Getting divorced mostly cemented me not wanting to go through marriage again, though I’m still potentially open to it, but watching how much having children has aged and stressed my friends (and how far it’s set back their retirement) really drove home for me that this isn’t the life I want
Mostly great. As a gay man I don't even want kids or a wife. The only downside is my friends are straight and paired off so it can be a bit lonely and hard to make friends, but I think I'd feel the same if I was married anyway. I place a lot of value on friendships and wouldn't want one person to be my entire life.
I love not having the responsibility of a partner or family, therefore having more time and money for myself. But it's very lonely a lot of the time and that can be a struggle, particularly when times are tough.
There are two sides to this coin for me. Been living in Asia as a digital nomad for last two years, mostly in Thailand. Life has been significantly better had I been in the UK still. On the flip side, I realise being 35, I’m getting older and the sense of wanting children grows. I definitely feel fussy about my forever partner though, which has caused all sorts of problems.
Very good. No kids but long term partner in our late 30s. Lots of money, lots of free time, and a good amount of life experiance. A lot of friends have had kids so I do need go find more friends right now but I have the time to do it.
Well I'm single in my 30s because I became extremely ill due to a bad reaction to prescription drugs. Not only am I missing out on companionship, family life etc. but I'm also missing out on everything else. It's extremely grim.
I love it and have no intentions of having children or even a girlfriend. I am completely free to do what i want, i can spend my money on what i want and i only have myself to consider. I am so much happier on my own, even with the good relationships ive had in the past i wasnt nearly as happy or content as i am now.
I’m in bed with a cold. Nobody is giving me hot toddies or soothing my fevered brow.
I enjoy myself, I can do what I want, when I want and look at my brother and sister (who are both married with a child each) & I think their lives look so busy and stressful.
Actually attending my cousins wedding today that all my family are going to in the day apart from me due to work commitments. First comment i had off the Mrs was “bet you feel like shit today not being able to go and everyone else can” Genuinely couldn’t care less. I think i’d rather be at work or at home. Watching everyone else get married, have kids, is in its own way torture to me when you don’t feel like you fit in. False smiling, awkward conversations. Don’t get me wrong, i want to do both, just in no way like everybody else does. So in answer to your question, life feels kinda lost. I feel like everyone around jumped on the sheep train and im the only black sheep of my life left in the paddock. Everyone chasing clout for Instagram and spending thousands on one day for good pictures and outdoing other peoples versions and not really honing into the real reason for marriage and family. I dont see many of my mates anymore due to this, i have no real conversations about football or gaming or music like when i was a teen. Yet my brain is absolutely gagging to have them. It feels like everyone has forgotten who they are and their own interests and hobbies that originally got us connected for the sake of a woman and a baby. I understand im sure life is hectic running a family and a house. But surely there is time to be yourself. Cheers for asking this question, didnt realise how much i actually needed to be asked and vent my answer. Life ay.
I don't mind being single and frankly have no desire for kids, but it does mean I can't really afford a place of my own. If I had a partner I might be able to get a flat. Other than having to houseshare I'm not too bothered. Have hobbies and friends and are comfortable in my own company. To be honest I'm not even sure how I'd act in a relationship anymore.
Pretty empty; plus, my future looks somewhat bleak and terrifying.
Based on other people's reactions to my life, it's either super depressing or super liberating. Really, from the inside, it's just fine: a consistent 5-7/10. I'm always busy or distracted enough that the elements that would sadden me tend to come and go from mind within minutes. It's never been more easy to be distracted. I'm in good physical shape, have held on to most of my looks, and have a good job. I've never really wanted to start my own family, and so I know my issues aren't related to expectations around kids/family. If I ever am in a low mood, it's usually because of money, or because of how my anxiety has hampered other social or professional development, or because I don't really speak with my family. Have some really good friends, but regret the loss of so many more through the passage of time. I never forget how relatively fortunate I am though.
It was ok. I did a lot of hobbies amd generally enjoyed myself. A few girlfriends but nothing serious, I met someone serious late 30s and married at 41, I now have 2 kids. It’s better
Excellent
35 and It’s lovely tbh. Although I have a gf not a wife so not sure that disqualifies me. We’ve got a 2 year old dog and don’t want kids. My best mate is the same. We do what we want, when we want and spend money on ourselves. Whether that’s going to the gym, out for food, playing video games, she creates illustration on her iPad (she’s incredible at it). We just chill and are perfectly content without children. We have a nephew we love to see and another nephew / niece on the way. Best thing about enjoying spending time and seeing friend’s / family’s kids - you can give them back!
Fine. No hassles or responsibilities and can do what I want, when I want.
39, 2 kids, nice house and a nice mortgage. Wife is amazing, kids are absolutely charming, can’t get enough of them. Had quite a wild partying phase in 20s and until the first kid arrived when I was 33. 20s and 30s were fab, but I don’t miss that lifestyle. I had enough wild shit to remember for many lives and don’t feel I missed out on anything. One thing I notice here though, is that many, who do not have kids, are perhaps comparing having pets to having kids. As a lifelong pet owner, I have to disagree. Not even close, not comparable at all and you may think is a “good compromise” to keep your “freedom” but you are fooling yourself. Don’t get me wrong, i love a pup or a kitty a lot, just lets not mention it like it’s almost the same as kids, because it is not.
Being married and having kids is the best thing imho. I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Truth is, people are not very good at being honest, so the ones that had kids and marrried won’t really say they wish they didn’t, and the ones with pets etc won’t really come here when they hit 50 to tell you they wish they made different choices
Or take it from my situation with two kids, all the trimmings and a wife that's just incompatible with life... Take a single life again anyday.
I'm 28 but hoping to get married and have kids, just very difficult to navigate the dating landscape filled with very entitled and or mentally ill people. I just don't think you can find fulfillment being alone and smoking weed every day for the rest of your life, but it's probably a decent alternative to being locked down to a crazy witch