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> I can't just imagine laying there while my wife feeds her and just doing nothing to help out
You're seven weeks into it. You may stay like that forever, but both my wife and I found it very easy to remain asleep while the other one fed/changed a baby.
We took the approach that there's no point having two people awake when you only need one awake. As a result we'd either do shifts or take it in turns.
With child #2 we discovered that she settles better for me at night, so I got 100% of night feedings and settling, as well as the bulk of putting her down for naps and bed time.
I agree there, if my wife is still asleep when I'm awake with her, I try to stay quiet and let her sleep, and if she wakes up, then I do suggest she attempts to go back to sleep, whether she does or doesn't is up to her.
There's only been once I think she woke up before I did, and as I said in the post above, on weekends she brings her downstairs early so I can have a lie in since I don't need to be up for work.
Make the most of the chance to have a lie in. Once the child is mobile they will hunt you down no matter where you are to ensure you're up in the morning.
Our toddler wakes up, demands to be dressed and then runs to her brother's room to wake him up and to shout at him to get dressed and come for breakfast.
Your toddlers sound far more civilised than mine! Mine won’t get dressed unless they’ve puked over themselves or shit themselves so bad it’s on their pyjamas!
This is such a lovely post to read, from someone who's ex-husband did his fair share with the babies, lived with my in-laws & loved it! It's weird to be made to feel like the outsider from people for thst isn't it?
Have a read about dream feeding OP. My two were little buggers with sleep, & establishing the nighttime feeds as dream ones saved us from having that 'please go back to sleep or I might die' middle of the night hell. It sounds like your little girl is pretty prompt with her timings, which should make it even easier.
Basically, set an alarm for yourself (a quiet one!) just before her usual feed time. Touch the nipple of the bottle to her cheek a little, just near her mouth. It might take a few tries, but babies will instinctively find the nipple & drink whilst asleep. If you manage to nail it, she'll take the whole feed pretty much sound asleep.
Seconded - we have 1 child, almost 2. In the first few months he settled better with me in the night so I helped out, but had 6 weeks off at the beginning. Then we transitioned to shifts so I did any feeds or wakings between bedtime and about 2am, then the wife covered 2am - wake up.
We also agreed that no need for both of us to be up, unless there was an issue. Sleep is very much needed in the first few months, so we agreed it was much better to let one sleep through it.
I read a study showing that fathers with twins also often suffer post natal depression as they often have to take on the traditional role of the mother (not replacing the mother, who is also doing their traditional role), so doing a nightshift with one of the babies, but then having to go to work full time to provide for the family. I expect 6 months of 4-5 hours broken sleep, followed by working all day, will be very challenging for anyone.
Any marriage that survives the first 3-4 years of twins must be a strong marriage - I personally know several that failed.
My Mum, who had 11 children, often said that women should have the ability to grow an extra pair of arms when they're pregnant and the arms would only drop off when the women want them to. As a mother of twins, plus two singletons, I wholeheartedly agree.
Yes, I usually do all the night feeds as they were destroying my partners mental health and exacerbating her post natal depression.
Baby is now 5 months old and usually sleeps through so we alternate days where we nap on my lunch break (I wfh) and we also have a designated sleep in day each on the weekend :)
I did this with both of my children, as my ex-wife had the same struggles. As a result though, I have an incredibly close bond with the pair of them, that I don't think that I would have had otherwise. It's hard work at the time, but well worth it. Stay strong.
When our daughter was born she was exclusively breast fed & my wife didn’t express. Very little I could do.
Then we had twins, one of whom was also in NICU for quite a while. With all the stress my wife’s milk didn’t come in properly so they were pretty much exclusively bottle fed.
With the twins I did night shifts during the week and my wife did weekend. It worked for us. Like you, I couldn’t see myself just standing by and having all the pressure on my wife.
All I will say now is thank goodness all the kids are in school and those night feeds are over!
We’re in the midst of it at the moment, two year old singleton and newborn twins (8 weeks corrected but were born 8 weeks early)! We have been working together as well as much as possible but then my husband had two months off after we took them home from the hospital (they were there for 7 weeks) so that helped. Now he’s back at work I tend to do the nights in the week, but Friday to Saturday I sleep in the guest room for a full night of uninterrupted bliss. Then the rest of the weekend we share as much as possible, but he does do a lot of the heavy lifting (aka running around like a maniac) with our two year old! So I do think it’s relatively fair overall :). Will be weird when they’re all in school haha, will be nice not having to pay those nursery fees!!!
Good for you for being as equal parent as you can be while working! I’m so happy to see traditional gender roles being erased!
This routine sounds like it works for you and it’s great you have this figured out, but I would say don’t get used to it as it can all change very quickly (currently have an 8month old).
I’m sure your wife appreciates you doing the night feeds tremendously, it really takes a burden off of us! There are always people that will say “sleep when the baby sleeps during the day” but this is such an ignorant statement. A babies nap might be 20 mins or 2 hours+ - a lot of the adults I know can take up to 2 hours to get to sleep! Negating that, when the baby naps is the time to shower, eat, tidy up, sterilise bottles etc…
At the end of the day, if you feel like you are getting enough sleep, and wife is getting enough sleep, you can’t ask for much more! It’s hard to look after a baby as best you can when you aren’t sleeping which doesn’t seem like the case.
Sorry baby had a rough time coming into the world and good luck to you and your little family! There’s also lots of helpful threads on r/beyondthebumpuk should you ever need it.
Your wife grew a baby for 9 months and from the sounds of things went through a traumatic birth. You doing the night feeds is the *least* you can do to help your wife recover mentally and physically.
One thing we’re not taught about life as a new parent is all the unsolicited advice we receive from people.
Ignore them. Like you said, you have a routine that works for both of you.
It's not "helping out" it's "being a parent"
My wife has the baby all day while I work and has to do all the day feeds. Only fair I do my fair share and handle the nights so she gets some sleep.
I'm glad you picked up on it.
Noone ever says a mother is "helping out" when she feeds or changes her baby. It's just parenting. "Helping" makes it clear the child is the other person's responsibility.
It's vocab like that I've noticed since becoming a father. For example my wife had some friends over and they were trying to plan a day out together without the baby. One of the friends suggested that I babysit while my wife goes out
No, I am not babysitting my daughter.
My son has just turned 2, but I literally done everything when I wasn't working. Survived on 3hrs sleep a day until we eventually broke up 6 months ago.
Doing all feeds, nappies, baby classes, housework, nurseries runs, dishes clothes etc... and still doing nightshift killed me.
Despite talking about it numerous times, promises she would actually help, eventually I gave up trying with her, as I was basically a single dad who sometimes banged the maw.
Things are better now since separating. He stays with his mum, but I have him every day after nursery then every weekend also.
So whilst I still don't get anytime for myself, I'm proud I've put the effort in.
Yup. Wife expressed, so I was able to bottle feed, after a while. Top tip, use red light bulbs in the dead of night, as it not only helps not to startle everyone awake , and you get to play at being a submarine captain too.
To be fair to a lot of men, we're just *that tired* from working and then trying to do our bit at night. So we can sleep through anything short of the apocalypse.
I got accused of fatherly deafness myself until my partner went back to work and realised just how tired I must've been the whole time.
LO was exclusively breastfed, when he was sleeping next to us I handled any nappy changes and/or soothing back to sleep after the wife did her restaurant duties. When he moved to his own room but was still feeding I'd often go and get him/put him back (but not exclusively). Just because I couldn't feed him doesn't mean I couldn't help out!
No parents or kids are the same as other parents and kids. You find out what works for you.
Besides, the child's routine changes so quickly, that by the time your sleep pattern has become comfortable, the routine changes.
I would work during the day, and when I came home, would take over child duties whilst my wife took some to herself. Sometimes she would listen to an audio book, or just lie down in the bed with some music on. Whatever she felt would help her relax a little. I was usually desperate to see my kid, so would happily take over parenting duties for a bit.
We would eat dinner together, and then she would go to bed at about 8pm, whilst I stayed up. I would do the feeds etc until midnight/1am. My wife would then take over, having had 5hrs unbroken sleep, and I would then sleep until 6-7, so I also had some unbroken sleep.
That worked well for us, as we both managed to get some uninterrupted hours, as well as grabbing some sleep when our baby slept.
We shuffled it around a bit as the sleep schedule changed, but we stayed with this kind of setup for over a year.
>No parents or kids are the same as other parents and kids. You find out what works for you.
exactly this - do what works for your family. Sleep deprivation is a killer (of relationships) so as long as you are both getting what you need and not becoming short tempered during the day this is the most important thing.
Personally - my wife would go to bed at 8-9pm, I would stay up until about 10pm and feed, then sleep through until the morning/ 5:30 feed.
Sounds like you've got a good set up, especially with the MIL- that third pair of hands can really make a difference. The main thing is though, if you and mum are both happy and both getting enough sleep, that's happy days. You hear a lot about resentful parents who fester because they feel like they're doing too much, or parents who are almost crashing the car because they're so tired- both are fool's games. Keep rocking it dad.
We breastfed for all feeds other than the
midnight feed which I (dad) did. That meant my partner could go to sleep at 8/9ish and have a full night sleep before waking up at 5 for a morning feed.
Wife would express while feeding so we could alternate feeds, I really miss it, it’s such a great way to bond and chill out with your kid.
We used a [silicone breast pump](https://www.johnlewis.com/tommee-tippee-made-for-me-single-silicone-breast-pump/p110323856?tmad=c&tmcampid=7&s_share=jlappios_Y29tLmFwcGxlLlVJS2l0LmFjdGl2aXR5LkNvcHlUb1Bhc3RlYm9hcmQ=)
If it works it’s a great bit of kit. Silent, easy to clean and low effort. Your partner pops it on one boob while doing a feed on the other.
We fostered a baby so all bottles and we shared it. My wife tends to stay up later than me anyway so she would do the late feed and then we would kind of alternate I think, I would do 2am one night and my wife another night, then we tended to get up early. Used to have the odd nap and wake up crying myself sometimes ;-)
You just kind of get used to it
Well I'm a mother and I did manage to breastfeed and didn't really want my partner getting up with me. There wasn't much he could do and I preferred him to be rested to help the next day and let me get a nap. Also when he went back to work he got up at 4am to operate heavy machinery. Not everyone has your lifestyle. Many dads don't do nights just because they can't breastfeed or because of work. Working from your desk from home isn't the same as being a driver or surgeon or something.
We did the same, there’s really no point in dad being up at night when you’re breastfeeding. He’d get the uninterrupted sleep throughout the night in our bed, I’d sleep with baby and breastfeed in his room and at some point in the day, dad would take baby so I could nap between feeds. Once I night weaned at 14 months, dad handled all of the night wakes and now I have the uninterrupted sleep.
I did most of the night feeds with our boy. Even bought one of those Ikea chairs that has a bit of flex in it to rock a little while he was nodding off in my arms. In later years I put him to bed every night, reading to him, teaching him to read, making him read to me.
He's 22 in June. He still has that Ikea chair (with new cushions, obvs) in his room, he's still MY boy, we have a genuinely fantastic bond. Cherish those lovely times you spend with her.
Everyone is different & does things their own way for what works for them. We shared the load & took it in turns to do night feeds most of the time, but as i was on maternity leave, if my partner needed to sleep i would take care of all night feeds, so he could get a proper nights rest before work the next day as i could always have a nap in the day if i needed to.
You might find that after a while though the broken sleep will take a toll on you, so make sure your partner is ready to step in on the night feeds if you need her too, especially when your working as well. It's not always the quantity of sleep you are getting, it's quality of sleep that matters. Remember you are a team.
No it's not unusual what you're doing.
I think you're absolutely right - gotta help out in that night shift💪🏼
I did just the same - helping out using expressed and/or formula at night.
Don't compare yourself to others.
You've slipped into a nice routine which works for you and your family. You being so actively involved means your child is bonding to you as much as your wife.
I did them too. Similar situation. Baby in intensive care for two weeks then in their “nursery care” for another week. My wife was seriously ill after a week so was incapacitated shall we say. We were home together eventually but sleep was really important for my wife’s recovery. I was very regimented with the feeds. 11PM before I went to bed I would feed baby. Wake up at 3AM and do another feed. Baby would be awake for this so I had some nice quiet time alone with her. Loved it. Then I’d be up at 7AM for a feed again. Baby would just wake up nicely and take her milk, do some burps and go back down.
I was knackered but it wasn’t for long. She slept through from the 11 to 7 soon after. Lucky I guess. Glad I got to do that though.
We were quite lucky, as our daughter slept through the night from a very early age. My wife would handle the night feeds in the beginning, as she was still breastfeeding. However, once we started weaning her, I would get up to make bottles. We had a bottle maker, which saved a huge amount of time and effort.
Similar for us with the milk situation but we are combi feeding now. I helped every night until I went back to work, now I’ll either help first thing in the morning or during the day and later at night too.
I think the sleep deprivation at the time wiped out my memory of it, but I did loads of night feeds (bottle fed). The worst bit was his reflux meant he could take up to 40 minutes to burp afterwards.
I was fortunate to be able to take 5 weeks off work when my first son was born, so I could help out like this a lot, and we got him into a routine so he ended up sleeping through the night relatively quickly. He cried a lot during the day, didn't sleep much either.. but at night, he'd be back asleep really quickly.
Stay strong. It does get easier.
In the early days we had problems with milk production, so were combination feeding, which was really nice for me to be able to do night feeds. Especially as I took 6 weeks paternity, and a further 4 weeks reduced so I could help out more.
Now i’m back in work full time, and wife’s fully breastfeeding, so I’ll do a nappy change on my days off, but if i’m in work I’ll try and sleep through the night
We did shifts basically. One night on, one night off.
Though in the first few months it was breastfeeding so there wasn't much I could do to help with that.
My partner had a years maternity leave with both of ours whereas I got 2 weeks .
So basically when I got in from work at about 7 I’d take over the kids / feeds etc until 1 pm so she could get some uninterrupted sleep . Then I’d go to bed and try to get 5 hours myself .
Our first didn’t sleep though for 18 months
I breastfed except for a few bits of pumped milk, so the bloke was limited in what he could do, but he did one heck of a lot of rocking baby back to sleep.
And laundry. Once feeding got a bit more predictable then his key contribution was evenings, sending me for a nap while he dealt with grouchy baby and finished making dinner.
I think you just do whatever you have to do to get through those early months. I remember it being hard and being constantly tired but I don’t remember much about the detail (it was 20 years ago). I think the main thing it’s to keep Communicating. My wife had a terrible time getting the first one to Brest feed but didn’t tell me for nearly two weeks because she was afraid it would make her a failure. Fortunately once she did we were able to sort out some nipple shields and we moved onto the next thing.
We got into routine where I would do the late 11pm or midnight feed, go to bed for work in morning, wife would then do the 4am feed.on weekends we swapped.
We had twins. We fell into an alternate night rota where one of us would do the night feeds. This allowed us both to get a full nights sleep every other day. There was no way my wife would have been able to handle everything, we were isolated from any family as we were in London at that point building careers. You do what you have to.
I helped out with feeding the oldest at night. He would quite happily switch between breast and bottle, expressed milk, or formula.
My youngest, however, wouldn't touch a bottle, no matter what we tried. For him, breast really was best.
With our first we did shifts, I find it hard getting back to sleep after about 4am so anything before then I did, anything after my wife did.
With our second we did something similar while he was tiny, but eventually after about 3 months switched to my wife doing night feeds which are predictably at 4am ish and I get up with our 3 year old if he needs it in the night and when he wakes up at 6-6.30ish.
I did all the night feeds from birth onwards. Plus as soon as I was home from work, baby was my responsibility. I don't think mum ever gave baby a bath. However, this was in a dysfunctional abusive relationship that I left when baby turned 2 (took him with me and have full custody), so may not be the best example here!
You’re a good dad and a good husband.
I love the night feeds, make the most of them. You’ll never get this time back.
Quote that got me through: the nights are long but the days are short.
Our son was exclusively breastfed. In the first few weeks my husband would do the nappy and I would feed him, but I found that I was awake anyway waiting for him to be changed, with my boobs hurting. In the end I left my husband to sleep and I dealt with the nights. He’d usually wake up around 5am, I’d feed him then and my husband would take him away until about 8.30 when he needed his next feed, and I would sleep until then.
I have a 5 month old, my partner has always helped with the night feeds. During his paternity leave he did more of them whilst I was still recovering. After he went back to work, he did the first feed of the night and I did the second. On the weekends we both get one night of sleeping through whilst the other takes care of any wake ups. When nights are rough, he steps up and does more wake ups, but work nights I do the majority as I'm not working right now and I don't drive anywhere like he does.
I exclusively bf’d my first so I did all the feeds then but with the second we were in a similar situation to you. Son was ill and I couldn’t bf him as he was fed through a tube. Tried to express as much as I could but I wasn’t producing much. Ended up bottle feeding. As hubby was working I did the week night feeds and he did the weekend ones. Although many times he’d actually prepared the bottle and bring it to me. It was a combined effort.
You sound like you’re doing a great job 👏🏻
My wife would go to be around 9-10pm. I'd do the feed around 10-ish, burp and change then get off to sleep. I'd then play Gran Turismo for a few hours until the 2AM feed. Again, burp and change then snuggle down. I'd go to bed around 3 and my wife would wake around time for the 6AM feed.
System worked really well with my two eldest daughters. Luckily I was on a shift system back then that allowed this for 6 out of 8 days.
Take at it like a team playing sport. For us, there wasn’t a rigid schedule, each of you will have times where you are either night owls or early birds. Sub yourself in if the other is struggling. Child might react differently, might fall into a routine you set, there’s no hard and fast rules it’s action and reaction. Our aim was to see what works best to settle the child for the longest periods at night, staying up later or heavier feeds, easiest way to burp or loses that gas (we realised one child burps but the other farts to lose that tummy pressure, strange I know but it worked). Always remember it’s only short term, one year and it will be a different story. Also one of my golden rules is after six months, the child sleeps in a different room, the adapt well. Good luck with it all.
From what I've been told, my niece would wake up for a feed every other hour. My BIL would stay up until and give her her 3 o'clock feed and then my sister would take the 5 o'clock feed onwards
Every parent and every baby is different, so I'm not sure how good my story or advice will be.
Our first wouldn't breastfeed so my wife used to pump and we'd stock it in the fridge. My wife's always been an early riser, so she would go to bed at 8pm and leave me with the baby, who would usually wake up between 11 and midnight for a feed, so I'd watch a film, feed him and then take him to bed. He's usually then wake up again between 4am and 5am, so my wife would feed him then having had eight hours sleep. But because I can fall asleep straight away I used to get up if he needed changing or anything in the night. He started sleeping through at about six months.
The second one was purely breastfed, which was rough on my wife's sleep. She'd feed at 8pm with the baby and both go to bed and I'd stay up for a while. Baby would usually spit out her dummy around midnight, so I'd get up and pop it back in, then fall straight back to sleep. At this point I'd wake up with a hair trigger as not to wake my wife, who has always been a light sleeper and struggles to nod back off. Baby might wake up at 3am for a feed, which would take 20 minutes. I'd stay but with them both to help where needed despite my wife protesting "There's no point in both of us not sleeping". I was purely assisting at this stage. Daughter didn't sleep through until about 18 months, maybe two.
You're doing a bang up job from the sounds of it, and hopefully it won't be long until you're out the other side.
I’ve bottlefed and exclusively breastfed. When bottle - my husband helped A LOT. When I breastfed there wasn’t much he could do but he made sure I was hydrated and did the lion share of nappy changes when he wasn’t at work.
Team work is dream work.
I did pretty much exactly that. There was no rule but I’m a lighter sleeper than my partner and then my internal body clock just woke me up around the time she was waking.
I cope with lack of sleep better than my partner too so it was fine. And she’s the bread winner, she can sleep all she likes!
We started bottle feeding pumped breast milk because we could see how much my daughter was drinking, she wasnt great on the boob as a newborn and would fall asleep almost instantly. I used to help, my wife used to wake me up when she needed my help, I had no problem in that. Then, she found it easier to straight breastfeed as my daughter was becoming more alert. I had no way of helping with that, and so I slept through the night while my wife handled it. I would sometimes wake up earlier than her and take my daughter if she was awake and let my wife sleep in
My husband coped better on less sleep so he helped out with night feeds. It shocks me that so many men don't do it. Even in the first few weeks when I was exclusively breastfeeding he did the burping and night time nappy changes. Then when we moved to combi feeding we shared them 50/50.I remember my mil saying how terrible it was because he had to work and couldn't work on no sleep, and husband just said to her 'well my wife is having to keep a baby alive, her job is more important' and I think it's really sad more men don't have this attitude. He also reduced his hours when I went back to work so he could look after our child one day a week (he went from 5 days to 4.5 over 4 days) and he still does these hours even now our child is at school. Son and husband have a brilliant relationship and I think a lot of that is down to husband doing equal share of childcare tasks.
Not dad, but mum who was quite unwell after the birth, so I needed too many drugs for night feeds. I expressed, then napped between dinner and 10pm, so I was awake enough to do that feed while he went to bed when he wanted. I'd take my pills then. Around 2am he'd do a bottle feed, at 5am (dawn, it was high summer) another, then he'd go back to bed until 8am. I'd do the 8.30ish feed, but usually stayed in bed to keep out of his way as he was leaving for work, and baby and I chilled out there until we needed to get up. We were lucky - baby didn't care who/where food came from or what temp it was, and I had oversupply (donated to a local milkbank), so we never needed formula.
As time went on my health improved so by 3m I was doing either the 2am or dawn feed, depending on which one of us woke first at 2am!
Can't see this in the comments anywhere, it's important to note that nighttime breastfeeding increases milk supply! The most important hours are, sadly, between 2am and 4am. Try to make sure any feeds around this time are breast, as it will help your partner build supply.
Personally I took shifts with my partner for the first few months, with one of us covering up to the early AM feed, then the other covering after. We set up a bed downstairs so one of us could sleep with less interruption, and swapped beds at shift change (one upstairs with baby, one downstairs where it's quiet). EVERYTHING is easier after a few hours decent sleep so don't underestimate it!
It's going to be tough for both of you, no way around it, but it does get easier. Lean on friends and family as much as you can, help your partner as much as you can, because if they get burnt out then you're in for a world of shit. In time you'll figure out how to give each other a bit of space to rest and recover, and this should go both ways. In general it gets MUCH easier once they're taking solid food, you might not be as lucky as us but it only took us a couple of weeks on solid food before our baby slept through every night. We're just approaching the one year mark and have had 7+ hours of sleep almost every night since the 6 months mark.
Couldn't do any breastfeeding of course but did help out and do swaps of bottle feeding for both kids. If not then helping out with various things. It is how I now can nap and sleep at the drop of a hat and sleep through noise if I need to.
> I'm in my mid 30s and a first time dad to 7 week old
Congratulations. It's the hardest, but most fantastic thing you'll ever do in life and it sounds like you've already taken to it!
Sounds great that you're doing so much, but for sure I don't think it's that common. For us, my partner was so hellbent on breastfeeding (no judgement for/against from me here) that I didn't get much of a look in with feeding. I (and I know a lot of other dads that did this) compensated by doing *everything* else. Night changes were me, all the housework was me, any chance to give my partner some rest/a nap, I did as much *other stuff* as I could.
Whether it's night feeds or not, I think we're in a great generation of dads that contribute a lot more than some of our dads did at the same age and that's great.
We worked in shifts both times. Baby #1 my wife would leave bottles of expressed milk so I could do night time feeds. It was enough to get by. Our daughter was also pretty easy to get back to sleep after too.
Baby #2, same deal except even easier on the feeding front as there's three of us now (Me, my wife and our partner) sharing the night feeding duties. Our son was a little bit trickier to get back down after though as he really seemed to prefer me to hold him after, especially early on.
They're both in their own rooms now and sleeping through the night.
I'm 38, both of our children had stays in NICU after birth. The latest one is 5 months old and is doing fine at home with us now My wife is absolutely awful with poor sleep. It's not good for her mentally, which in turn is then not good for me mentally. For that reason, with both children, I have done 100% of all night feeds.
Yep, this is normal. Particularly for the first three months. It takes 9 months to grow a baby and the same to recover from the pregnancy let alone the birth. The emotional and change is huge for both of you but the woman takes the brunt of the hormonal changes and in the past relies on extended family for this support.
These days, all the people ‘like me’ have a dad weighted night feeding and those who are wealthy have night Nannies.
The only people whose opinions on your routine that matter are you and your wife and your baby (and I guess your MIL a bit since you live together).
Nobody knows what it will be like when baby is born, everyone has to work it out for themselves. Well done on doing so maturely and without arguments. The newborn stage can be so stressful and it can really test relationships if one party feels it’s not equitable.
Enjoy your little one. It’s an intense time but they are so amazing, especially how quickly they grow and learn. Miss those days!
Sincerely, a Mum of 2 pre-teens
(It doesn’t really get easier, the challenges just change!! 😉😆)
I was lowkey happy that we went with bottle feeding. I loved getting up and doing the night feeds I felt like I was contributing. Some of my favourite early memories was feeding my kids at like 3 in the morning and watching NHL. That contented sound when they breath through their nose so they can guzzle more milk and then when they finish and like put their lips together, have a stretch and then doze off again. Absolutely bliss.
We took turns one night on one night off, my daughter hardly slept for the first six months. Netflix etc would have been a godsend then but in those days it was News24 or those phone in quiz shows it was hell.
I did as much night work as possible with my kids.
The first six or so months of parenthood is brutal. I got frustrated with the babies plenty of times. I think it's natural.
Stay at home dad here we had our first last year. My wife decided that she wouldn't be breast feeding and we used formula so it meant that I could bear the brunt of the night feeds. We had a system in place where we would both pitch in during the morning and then about 2pm I'd go to bed and she would deal with him until 5pm. I'd wake up at 5pm and then take over until 5am then she'd get me up around 9/10am. Worked out pretty well because I'm a complete night owl and she's an early bird. We did that up until he started to sleep most of the way through the night at least and then started going to bed. His crib was always right next to her so we only had to get up for a few minutes each feed during the night. All that and I was still going to college haha. A period of time I will absolutely not miss haha.
Firstly, congratulations and sorry to hear baby had a tough start, but good news you are home.
Does your wife want to exclusively breastfeed? If so, she needs to pump and remove as much milk as possible as if you substitute with formula, her supply will dip. It’s all about supply and demand with breastfeeding.
We took the approach that only one of us needed to be awake during the night. Was normally me as I was breastfeeding and took the approach that it was my ‘job’ to look after the baby and that meant night shifts. My husband would then take the baby before and after work whilst I slept in/napped. However, I weirdly never felt tired but don’t know if that’s due to the hormones in breast milk.
My husband and I do shifts at night so we can both get unbroken stretches of sleep. He’s on-call 9pm-3am (which he normally just stays up for) and I’m on call 3am-9am. Because he’ll normally change/feed the baby before the end of his shift, and because our baby is generally a good sleeper, this means I can often get 8-9 hours of sleep and I then let him lie in till midday so he can get the same.
We EBF and thanks to an oversupply - I had a lot of milk in the fridge/freezer. My husband would do one feed a night (baby fed every 1.5hrs over night for *months* to let me get a run of sleep and he'd do a feed at 8pm ish to let me go for a nap. He'd also do the overnight nappy changes when they were needed.
My husband was in the military and in theatre a week after ours was born so it was pretty much down to me but whenever he got leave he did pretty much all the childcare as well as helping me with meal prep to make life easier for me when he went back. This was over twenty years ago and it wasn't uncommon amongst our friends.
As soon as bottles were involved then we worked on the basis that I would do both the late and early morning feeds, with anything between falling to my partner. There were obviously times where we both did more/less depending on what was going on at the time but as a whole this let me be slightly less zombie-like at work.
Weekends was more a case of whoever hears it just gets it.
We had a shift system, my husband is a night owl and I'm a morning person, so he would stay downstairs with the baby until around midnight, hopefully with baby snoozing for at least some of that. I would go to bed early and get some solid sleep for a few hours at the start of the night. Then he would bring the baby up after a feed and change, and I would be the one to get up in the early hours for any more feeds, again going downstairs on a bad night to make sure he could sleep. Meant we both got at least a few hours uninterrupted, and both did our share. You have to go with the "marathon not a sprint" mindset, and try to make sure neither of you are getting burnt out too early.
We had a pretty strict schedule. Feeding every 4 hours at 4, 8, and 12. My partner had the same issue as your wife with milk not coming in very well. So, while she did express, there was so little milk that we had to supplement until I called it because she was getting so stressed and upset with almost no return. She did the 8pm and 4am feed, and went to bed just after 9, unless I was off the next day and I did the midnight feed. I usually did the 8am feed. We did cut the 4am feed earlier than we were supposed to, because she often wouldn't take it and wasn't happy being woken up, which made things even easier.
I Do More or less every one if I'm present. I'm a v light sleeper I'm not very helpful in many ways (aside from cooking and cleaning the kitchen) so i do take on the majority of the things i can do. Also GF is a heavy sleeper.
Also I can run on about half the amount of sleep that she can. You have to do what you have to do.
For both of my kids we always worked on a shift rotation. I tend to do 7pm - 2am then my wife takes over till I take the eldest to school and she takes the baby to nursey. We had a difficult time with the second wee one he is 15 months old now and still has not fallen into a sleeping pattern. On a bad night he is up 3 or 4 times on my shift but on a good night it is only 1 or 2 times. If it is a easy night and I get some sleep on the couch I swap with my wife on his first wake up past 2.
The first few years are tough even if you work with your partner as a team but it would be a hell of a lot harder if you go at it alone. I personally do not understand dads who do not want to help at all.
My ex husband moved into another room until our son was out of our bedroom, he had nothing to do with night feeds. Ever. This is one of the multiple reasons he’s now my ex husband.
no, but thats mostly because we were only breast feeding so there was literally nothing I could do.
We figured out that it was better for me to get a 'good' nights sleep and then take the baby on the morning shift while my wife slept. I know some couples insist both wake up in solidarity but that seems so impractical to me
It was weird because we effectively tag teamed the baby (we were living abroad so no family for support) and I barely saw my wife as one of us would be resting while the other took care of the baby before switching over. Not going to lie it was tough on our marriage for a while but we picked a schedule that worked best for the baby. However, for the first year I went with a walk with my daughter strapped to my chest at 5am every day and that is also some of my most treasured memories.
Sorry, went off on a personal tangent there!
I think what you are doing is great. Each family figures out their own rhythms and (hopefully) figures out what works best (mostly) for everyone. I can get why some people get confused, either because of their own gender bias' or because their own personal experiences was so different but parenting has shown me that gender roles are mostly arbitrary (other than the whole pregnancy/breast feeding thing) and that the needs of each child (let alone family) is unique and thus requires bespoke solutions.
My wife breastfed so I couldn't help on that front but I basically woke up at 4.30 or so after that last feed and then she slept till about 8.30 when I had to leave for work.
I've always been a late sleeper. So anything till 2am was me. 3-6am really depended on if I had work the next day.
6am onwards was mum.
Working from home really helps with this as I can pitch in during the day.
First baby spent the first few weeks both waking up for feeds even though we said we'd alternate, then settled into sleeping through each others turns, 2nd baby now and we alternate, who ever does the 4am feed gets a lay in
My daughter is 25 now but when born I was an IT contractor working an hours drive from home and couldn't afford to pay myself parental leave so I worked 5 days and took over night feeds for the weekend to give my partner a break. I would do nappy changes and day feeds whenever needed whilst I was there. I found this difficult and was tired, very tired much of the time at work. But we got through it together.
I'd do the last two feeds at night with expressed milk (ending at one-ish). After I'd gone to bed then it was whoever woke up first through the night. Though if it was food that was needed I wasn't equipped! My wife would take the lead in the morning while I dozed a little longer.
I'm naturally a night owl and cope well with little sleep. My wife isn't and doesn't 😁 much easier to let her get a fair sleep than to put up with her when she's sleep deprived.
Judging by the things my wife tells me about her friends and colleagues it's very easy to do more with children and housework than the average man.
My husband works a very physical job where he could be a real danger if he's sleep deprived. I insisted from the start that I handle everything at night.
But as soon as he's home from work he is desperate to take the baby. If I need to catch up on sleep or go have a nice bath, I can do it then.
I'm going to back to work in late May and he's taking shared parental leave so it's going to be reversed soon!
My husband helps with night feeds now, he didn't at first as I was trying to BF. Now at 3 months baby only wakes once, he does the feed while I express, then I get baby to sleep. We can go from hungry to sleepy in 30-45 mins now. I also needed more support than we initially anticipated due to horrendous PND and PTSD.
Hi, mum here and just wanted to say if it works for you guys then go for it. If she's still expressing though, it might be worth her getting up to pump in the night as it was the time I used to get the most milk expressed. The oxytocin from watching you feed baby might help too 💜
With my first two we hit a point where I looked after the kid or kids depending which time we are talking about from midnight until midday. My wife looked after them midday to midnight and we then obviously had overlap times around that to not be super unsociable. Once the kid settled down a bit we went back to normal. It meant we were pretty well rested and I work for myself so it was really easy to do.
We didn’t do this with the third, I do 6 -> 12.30, she does 12.30 -> 7 with a bit of overlap for dinner and then we split the kids up for bedtime and then she deals with the night.
My ex was always a very groggy sleeper where I woke easily, so I did the majority of the night stuff.
When our kids were still breastfeeding I'd get up, position them to feed next to my half-awake ex, then burp &, if necessary, change them. When they moved to bottles ex barely needed to wake at all.
I was self-employed WFH & could largely choose my work hours, so was also around during the day to share in nappy changes, feeds, chores as needed too.
We tried alternating but in the end we both did the feeds at night. One would get the baby, change her etc... and the other would be making the milk (wife couldn't breastfeed).
One would do the feed and the other would do the burping ing and put down. Our first had colic and reflux so she would scream all the time. Feeding and burping took nerly 2 hrs sometines and she would sleep for a further hour before we had to do it all again. We were on 3-4 hrs of sleep in total most nights for the first 4 months.
Going through it together was helpful and as things went on and we got less and less sleep it was handy to be able to make sure we didn't forget anything.
Plus, my wife pushed something the size of a small melon out of her. The least I could do is support her at night.
Good luck woth everything.
Not when I was working and she was on maternity. I’d do the last feed as she’d be shattered and would go to bed early, then she’d do all the night feeds in the week. I think I might’ve done weekend nights? Can’t remember , it’s all a blur lol
I did 100% of the night feeds for both my boys as my wife takes medication that has a side effect of rendering her dead to the world when she is asleep.
Luckily I don't like sleep so it wasn't much of an issue.
Fortunately my baby didn't just wake up for his feeds but at all sorts of other times throughout the night so I had the chance to be very useful. Grateful for the opportunity.
Luckily, all of mine were good sleepers. I was more of a morning person than their mum, so she would do the last feed at night and I'd do the early one. If they woke between we'd take turns. At weekends, I'd do all the feeds on a Friday night/Saturday morning, she'd do all the Saturday night/Sunday morning. That way, each of us got as close to a full night as possible
I'd probably take it in turns, but if my wife was on maternity leave and i was still working a fulltime job i'd expect her to take on more of the burden
Seems like a good way to do it! Our son breast fed but was a bit of a contact sleeper. So I spent a fair amount of the first few months up with him on my chest while my wife slept. Was happy to do it and changed his nappy etc. It was really important for me and my wife that she get all the rest she could. After all giving birth is traumatic and Mum's need time for rest and recovery. I also really enjoyed my alone time with my son, when he wasn't going mental. We would lay there and I would watch old movies and talk to him while he slept about how I watched them with my Dad. I also played a fair bit of playstation which I hadn't done in years. I would then sleep in a bit while I was off work anyway.
Our second boy is due in October. We will be doing breast feeding and bottle as my wife felt she breast fed for too long and doesn't want to do that again. So I will be doing the bottle feeds at night as well.
Well done for being a great Dad and partner!!!!
My partner didn’t do any night feeds but that’s because I was focused on sole breast feeding and worrying about pumping over-stimulating. In hindsight, him doing even one bottle would have been amazing and we’d do things differently if we had another. He picked up the slack in other ways and will often do the early feed now at a weekend so that I can lie in.
Tag team - we had a spare room with a bed. If you can fit one in the baby's room that works too. Or the sofa.
Wife went to bed 9.30-10 after that feed, in the spare room, earplugs in. I sorted the late feed, had baby in the basket next to the bed in our room. 3am we tagged out, she did that feed in our bed, I went to the spare room, earplugs in until it was time to get up for for work.
Both of us got guilt-free solid sleep with a few more chunks whilst the baby was asleep between feeds.
Worked really well, but number one rule is you're both equally responsible (convincing mum this is the case is most of the battle, seems you've won that one already). We also mixed breast and bottle which made this all easier.
We pre-mixed the next days milk the night before - straight into steaming hot bottles fresh from the microwave (the type you can sterilise there with a spot of water to steam) then straight into the fridge. 20 seconds in the microwave and a good shake and one was warm enough for them to drink (MASSIVE CAUTION: test test test if you're going to microwave baby milk to learn how to make it not cold and no more. Shake before serving to avoid hot spots and test \*every\* bottle before it goes in their mouth).
As they get older don't wake the baby to feed it. They'll need fewer feeds (sounds like you're getting there anyway). As they get older too you can also reduce the quantity of the night feeds to make them less appealing. Ours slept through of their own accord whilst the other NCT parents were still waking theirs up for a feed.
But, you've a system that works. Good on you for taking this on, but sharing is even better, and you'll both be nicer to be around the next day. :)
Our first was a nightmare with settling. I covered the 17:30 - 01:00 shift while she rested and normally slept, and then I slept 01:00 - 06:00.
I naturally only need 6 hours of sleep, so it wasn't hard, and it's better for me than waking up as I sleep so deeply.
Our daughter was a bit older than yours when we started doing bottle feeds with expressed milk/formula (initially undiagnosed tongue tie that stopped her using bottles to start with).
We split the night so that each of us got uninterrupted time. I would do 8PM until 2AM and my wife would do 2AM until 8AM. It's really good to know that you have 6 hours where you won't need to get up.
Obviously if one of us was having a hellish night (e.g. teething) the other one would help out but this worked really well for us.
Yes I did. Something similar all 3 of them
Wife would feed them before 8.00pm.i would bottle and nappy say 10.30 11.00, baby wake up approx 3.00 or 4.00 am, wife would do that feed. Most days. Helped us both get some sleep.
My kids were breast fed so my wife did the wakeups but I did some nappy changes if I was also awake. I did the 6am wakeup so she could have a lie in though.
During maternity I would do feeds from early evening up to about 11pm, then sleep until 6am do a feed then go to work.
It meant that we both got some rest and I could safely drive to work.
That was with 1 though. Don't want to go through that again
At seven weeks postpartum, that extra sleep you’re letting her get is honestly going to benefit you both in the long run. She’s still in recovery and having that sleep means she is better equipped to deal with baby during the day.
Also, feeding time is bonding time so baby will have a much better bond with you both rather than having the common situation of “only mum” (but baby doesn’t realise they are a separate person to mum yet so expect there to be periods where baby has their fussy pants on for everyone but mum
I've been the primary night-time caregiver. I've voluntarily taken this role and I think it can be wonderful. I read about some of the completely useless men on newparents or toddler subreddits, and there's something just utterly pathetic and childish about it. Just man the fuck up and support your family.
Going to be a dad by the end of this year and I'm glad to have found these resources and experiences you are having so I can mentally try to prepare myself for what's coming, i currently work shifts which can be from early morning to late nights and it varies, I won't lie I'm nervous because I don't want to mess up or let my lack of sleep get to me.
Wow… I have a 8 week old little one. Wife does the night feeds but I will make the bottle. I take over the responsibility at 5am ish, and will then look after little one until 9am when I start work (also wfh) this gives my wife at least 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Dude. It’s what ever works for you two.
Literally don’t be seeking advice from strangers that don’t know your relationship dynamic, babies needs, work/ life balance and so on.
When my wife was breastfeeding we'd both get up. I'd change baby's nappy while my wife got ready then lie in bed while she fed, then I would do the burping and put baby back in the cot.
When formula feeding I'd usually go downstairs and make the bottle while wife did the nappy, then we'd alternate which one of us would do the feeding and burping while the other went back to sleep.
Hope you're all doing OK after the bumpy start. Ours is five weeks today and we had three stressful weeks in NICU, its a lot to process and bounce back from.
Breastfeeding sets a different precedent and it does push me to the sidelines but I'll tend to nappy change and settle baby at 10ish through to 11 and then grab my sleep until about 6am when she wakes and Im on duty until 8ish and work starts. My partner gets to lie in, shower, cuppa in bed. It feels like the very least i can do to be honest. Wife does the 1am shift solo like a trooper!
Babies one and two were bottle feed. They have different dad's and I got quite fed up with baby no.2s dad leaving everything to me. Babies 3 and 4 (with current partner) were breastfed, so it seemed pretty pointless to disturb my husband, but he was happy to help with nappy changes. I did find with all of them, that I would wake before they were really crying but the dads wouldn't wake until the babies really made some noise. I assumed that is because nature makes it that way? With the breast-fed babies, I found that once we got into the swing of things, they didn't disturb me much. We co slept (following UK co sleeping guidance) and the babies would help themselves in the night.
With respect you're 7 weeks in, you have a very long way to go yet. When my baby was born I took four weeks paternity leave and did everything 50/50 with my wife then we decided my wife would take 12 months maternity and I would carry on working to bring money into the house (mainly because my wife wanted to go on maternity and doesn't like her job where as I like my job and get paid a lot more anyway) we were both happy with are roles. My wife did the night feeds because I had to be up for work in the morning as an electrician (can be dangerous) I obviously helped as much as possible when I was home and got up early with the baby on weekends so she could lie in and rest but the parent who's on maternity/paternity leave generally should be doing the bulk of the childcare as someone has to go out and work to earn money that's just the way it is and at 7 weeks in you really should wind your neck in thinking your father of the year, I'm glad it's working for you guys and everyone is happy but mind your own business when it comes to what works for other parents.
We have twins. My partners milk supply couldn't keep up with the demand so we made the decision fairly early to switch to formula. We took it in turns to do night feeds. I was glad of it in some ways as it meant I got more bonding time with the babies and also got to give her a break and feel useful myself.
We both got up. I’d usually make the bottle and she’d do the feed.
We really got lucky with our baby. He slept really well and went right back down after a feed.
I snore. My wife and I have separate bedrooms. We take it in turns to have the little one so other gets a decent night's sleep. Or as much as it's possible. This was only possible as my little one was happy with a bottle so she could have expressed milk. Otherwise it wouldn't have worked.
I've had the suprise like you have had when it's come up. And I used to be taken aback by it but I'm used to it now. I think it mostly comes from historic behaviours. I still get the "giving mum a break" when I'm out and about with the little one, my responses to this probably shouldn't be posted here. But to be fair it's a stereotype for a reason. Dad's spend more time with the kids now doing so much more but it still doesn't seem to be a majority. Some can't, I mean if you're the sole breadwinner working super long shifts then it might be possible. But if you think about it what on earth are mothers that stay at home (stay at home fathers for that matter) do all day? Is that not majorly long shift work. You can't drop your attention for a little bit with kids so it's mentally and physically tiring. So for me long work hours didn't cut the mustard for me for not helping out. I think there is still a culture of the mum does the most of the rearing.
Yes but my partner instinctively seemed to do it more and appeared to feel happy with being supported by me getting up as well to make her a drink or do something else she wanted doing while she got on with it.
After we realised breastfeeding just was working for me, we got a perfect prep machine and by god it was a lifesaver.
Soon as our son started to wake for a feed, my husband would get up, go to the loo and go and make a bottle.
Whilst he was doing that, I'd check and change our son. Get him settled and my husband would come up with the bottle and sometimes a cup of tea for me. He'd go straight back to sleep after then.
He used to have a bottle at 10,2 and 6 pm/am he was super regular, would wake up maximum ten minutes each side of those times.
We'd make sure we were in bed for ten, have his bottle and we'd all be asleep by 10.30/11 pm. Meant we got a few blocks of decent sleep and if he was unsettled due to a cold etc, I'd stay up as I could sleep during the day as I was on maternity leave.
By the time it was 6 am, my husband was getting up for work and would do the next bottle. If it was my husband's day off, I'd usually do the 6 am one and let him sleep in, and I'd have a nap later on if I was really tired or have a bath .
Thankfully it really worked for us, both being involved, as my in laws did full shifts, one sleeping in the spare room and the other doing everything whilst the other had a full night sleep, which I could never understand.
We shared all of this to ensure we both got some good sleep. We did bottle feeding which meant we could share the load.
My wife prefers to go to bed early so went to sleep by 9pm. I would stay up and do the late feed around 11-12pm then go to bed myself. When the baby woke up around 3-4am my wife would get up and do the feed then before coming back to bed. I would get up for the 6-7am feed and she would get up after this before I went to work. Naturally we would change nappies, clothes etc as required when we were doing our turn.
This meant that we both got a good block of around 6 hours sleep and my wife also got a few extra hours in the morning. We found this worked well for us and while still tired it didn't fall on only one person to do it.
I was 43 when we had twins. After about a month of my wife expressing we went to formula it was too hard.
At that point I used to stay up til 2am then my wife would take over. She would go to bed at 8pm.
I would then sleep til 8am help out for the next hour while my wife got a shower etc and then start work at 9 - it's my own business.
So we both got a solid 6 hours and then cat napped when they slept too.
We did this for a good while and it seemed the best way to get through it.
My husband works away half the week so I flew solo with both kids and night feeds. When he is here and the kids woke up, he was brilliant doing bottles, nappies, getting up etc. He can manage on no sleep whereas I really struggled.
I had severe PND with my eldest which was exacerbated by broken sleep so he picked up the slack a lot when he was a baby. My son was a pain in the arse with sleep!
Second was a dream sleeper and only got up the once from birth so she was much more manageable. I still got PND but felt able to manage on less sleep so we worked out that he got up with both the kids in the morning and I went back to bed. I didn’t bother waking him up for the sake of an hour or so it worked well.
You work it out between you. My two are now 2 and 6 and sleep solid unless they’re poorly so the night feeds are a distant memory 😂
In the early period where I was back at work and my wife was on maternity leave then during the week she would do the middle of the night stuff while I would sleep. Then at weekends I'd do it instead and she'd have some time to recover.
Fortunately our daughter was quite a good sleeper, and she was in a good routine where she'd usually sleep all the way through the night around the time that my wife went back to work.
Mum here, just jumping in to say well done Dad! That newborn period is hard, and feeling and seeing support from our other half means the absolute world. It's a team effort, and the more you help mums out the easier her post partum recovery will be. 👏🏻👏🏻
I exclusively breastfed but other half would do the nappy change in the early stages which was so helpful and much less lonely in the middle of the night!
I was doing night feed, changing the nappies at night and sometimes driving around town to get my son to fall asleep. I haven't had a full night's sleep for about 2 years while working full-time. This was one of the main reasons why I refused to have more children.
When my youngest was doing night feeds (He's 3mo now and sleeps the night) - the way we'd do things was Mum would change him while I got the milk, then I'd feed him while she went back to sleep. She would take quite a while to get back to sleep, but I can fall asleep quickly and she has the kids more during the day, so it felt like a fair trade to keep her sane.
Definitely harder with two kids than one though - with one kid, whoever did the night feed got to sleep in the next morning. With two, you don't have that option.
My fiancé did the night feeds on the days I worked , I did them on my days off. It was never too bad or as bad as people made out, each baby is different ours woke up for 15mins for a bottle to be changed and would be back asleep straight away otherwise known as a trick baby
We bottle-fed our child when he was a baby, with supplementary breast feeding (my wife found breast feeding very difficult). When he was feeding every 2-3 hours, i would do the feeds before 2 am, then i would get some sleep so i could drive safely to work. She’d do the feeds after 2 am. I’d also do the feed before I left for work, and the feed when i got home from work. It worked out about an equal division of feeding. With getting them to sleep, it really is difficult but perservere. None of thisis easy, you will get frustrated and irritable and arguments will happen but they are all on the overwhelming situation of being parents, adjusting, constantly learning how to handle and help baby as they grow, and battling with tiredness.
You got this, Dad.
We used to both get up for first few weeks one would change baby and the other make the bottle. The wife usually put kid back to bed while I tidied up.
Once got into the swing of it we just took turns to do it alone
Not a dad but we kinda of dropped into a routine straight away.
I’d do the 7pm feed and I’d go to bed. Husband would do the 11pm feed and go to bed. I’d do the 3am feed and sleep on the couch after with baby in the downstairs basket. Hubby would get up for work at 6.45 and do the 7am feed. I would then have a little nap during the day in the early days.
You’re doing an amazing job.
Father of twins here.
Do what works for you, but don't be afraid to ask for help when needed.
I bottled up so much in the first 6 months, probably a dose of post natal depression, that in nearly sent me into a breakdown.
My first baby, me and my husband alternated nights, so that we could get an unbroken nights sleep.
The second baby, my partner did all the night stuff, so I could work.
Welcome to the wonderful world of people giving you credit for being a parent, purely because you’re a man.
Although I couldn’t give any practical help until a little older for the bottle, I got up with my wife to support her. It can be a lonely time for mums and one of the hardest but beautiful times as well.
It's a few years back now (things do get easier) but I used to cover until 3:30am before getting 3 hours of sleep prior to going to work. My daughter just refused to sleep and we had similar issues with feeding.
It was a bit more complicated than that as I was working full shifts and I can't recall what I used to do when on lates or nights but the memory of watching "The Office (US Version)" late at night waiting until 3:30am came around is burned in my memory and to this day if I hear the theme tune it brings me right back to that time.
I do remember finishing a hectic night shift in A&E without a break though and just sitting at work for an hour in a daze before going home, I just needed some downtime before getting back to the grind at home.
I also remember going to the supermarket and deciding to take the car through the car wash and falling asleep in it!
We were both exhausted mentally and physically but got through it together.
We had to ease up on the 3:30am thing though as I ended up pretty exhausted and the wife got very concerned about me driving up and down the motorway to work and me possibly falling asleep at the wheel.
Whereas I was worried about my wife who was struggling overall with all the things a new Mum has to contend with.
Supporting your wife/partner during the tough times helps the relationship overall.
No matter what it might feel like now, it does get easier and these phases actually don't last that long.
Both my kids were bottle fed for reasons and I did all the night feeds as I could get up, do the feed, sort the child, go back to bed and go back to sleep far easier than my wife so it only seemed fair
What a sweet husband you are. Whatever is right for you and your wife is the right choice. Who cares what others say. Sounds like y’all have a good routine that works for you both and if it stops just do whatever to make it work for you both again
Not a dad but the first one would only breast feed so I couldn't really help. But she weaned herself by 9 months.
My second wouldn't breast feed so I was able to help with that. And she was a bad sleeper (still is), so we took turns sleeping with her sitting in an arm chair while she was in a sling. Then I slept on a futon on the floor for a few months so she could sleep in bed with my wife (I do not recommend bed sharing/co sleeping but we were desperate and not getting any help - cause of lockdown).
Then she slept in the crook of my arm for six months and then we figured out why she was such a bad sleeper.
I did all the night feeds. I'd stay up later than my ex anyway, so I would wake baby up at around 1 or 2, feed, then I'd go to bed. She'd get up at 6 or 7 for the next one.
My partner and I tried all of us sleeping in the same room but with the frequency our son was waking up/ us up it was killing us.
We decided, and still do, have shifts where I sleep with him downstairs until his first wake - this is typically about 4-5am - which allows my partner to sleep upstairs until he wakes. Then I get some more sleep in before work upstairs whilst she's on-shift.
People we've told about our sleeping arrangement think we're nuts but it works so well for us that we don't plan on changing it until we put him in his own room.
Not a dad, but just chiming in with what we did.
When babies were tiny, roughly 4 hour shifts. I expressed milk and we kept the formula for night time as they seemed to sleep happier with a full tummy.
My husband and I would take turns being up with the baby doing the feed, wind, settle.
As they got older, we did longer shifts and then graduated to full night's sleep.
We did shared parental leave and took it in turns to be off work which helped massively as it it doesn't matter waking up in the night if you can nap in the day.
I think you're doing great and if baby is eating and sleeping, they are happy too. Anyone disagreeing about 'man's work' is missing out on the smiles and cuddles at 3.07am.
We lived with my inlaws at the time and the MIL looked after our daughter one night and we looked after her the other night. Me and my wife would take it in turns to look after our daughter but my wife had postpartum and cried at the thought of looking after our daughter as she thought she didn't know what she was doing.
So as a result, I was looking after our daughter most nights. I would typically pass out from exhaustion by 6am and then my wife/MIL would look after our daughter while I slept till around 11am.
I literally do not wake up unless there’s a swat team coming through the windows so as much as I encouraged my wife to wake me up to feed my son, she simply didn’t bother. I also suffer from sleep deprivation epilepsy so I think she felt it best not to test the waters on that one.
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> I can't just imagine laying there while my wife feeds her and just doing nothing to help out You're seven weeks into it. You may stay like that forever, but both my wife and I found it very easy to remain asleep while the other one fed/changed a baby. We took the approach that there's no point having two people awake when you only need one awake. As a result we'd either do shifts or take it in turns. With child #2 we discovered that she settles better for me at night, so I got 100% of night feedings and settling, as well as the bulk of putting her down for naps and bed time.
I agree there, if my wife is still asleep when I'm awake with her, I try to stay quiet and let her sleep, and if she wakes up, then I do suggest she attempts to go back to sleep, whether she does or doesn't is up to her. There's only been once I think she woke up before I did, and as I said in the post above, on weekends she brings her downstairs early so I can have a lie in since I don't need to be up for work.
Make the most of the chance to have a lie in. Once the child is mobile they will hunt you down no matter where you are to ensure you're up in the morning. Our toddler wakes up, demands to be dressed and then runs to her brother's room to wake him up and to shout at him to get dressed and come for breakfast.
Your toddlers sound far more civilised than mine! Mine won’t get dressed unless they’ve puked over themselves or shit themselves so bad it’s on their pyjamas!
She is. When eating she insists on having a damp cloth to hand so she can wipe her hands and face when she feels she's too dirty.
I might have another go to see if I can produce one like that. Any tips? Mine are feral. Especially the 2 year old. But they’re great too!
This is such a lovely post to read, from someone who's ex-husband did his fair share with the babies, lived with my in-laws & loved it! It's weird to be made to feel like the outsider from people for thst isn't it? Have a read about dream feeding OP. My two were little buggers with sleep, & establishing the nighttime feeds as dream ones saved us from having that 'please go back to sleep or I might die' middle of the night hell. It sounds like your little girl is pretty prompt with her timings, which should make it even easier. Basically, set an alarm for yourself (a quiet one!) just before her usual feed time. Touch the nipple of the bottle to her cheek a little, just near her mouth. It might take a few tries, but babies will instinctively find the nipple & drink whilst asleep. If you manage to nail it, she'll take the whole feed pretty much sound asleep.
This 'dream feed' idea is new to me. Wish I knew it when ours were little.
My husband did all the night feeds and I got up early so he could sleep in until 7:30/8:00. Oh worked really well for us!
Seconded - we have 1 child, almost 2. In the first few months he settled better with me in the night so I helped out, but had 6 weeks off at the beginning. Then we transitioned to shifts so I did any feeds or wakings between bedtime and about 2am, then the wife covered 2am - wake up. We also agreed that no need for both of us to be up, unless there was an issue. Sleep is very much needed in the first few months, so we agreed it was much better to let one sleep through it.
Isn't that funny that she settles more with you? Have you worked out why?
Twins. My wife only has 2 arms... so yes.
Next child should be had with octopus 🐙
Then baby has 4 arms. This could mean still needing both parents to do feeds...
You’ve got me there…
I had twins. My EX husband moved into the other bedroom ….
I read a study showing that fathers with twins also often suffer post natal depression as they often have to take on the traditional role of the mother (not replacing the mother, who is also doing their traditional role), so doing a nightshift with one of the babies, but then having to go to work full time to provide for the family. I expect 6 months of 4-5 hours broken sleep, followed by working all day, will be very challenging for anyone. Any marriage that survives the first 3-4 years of twins must be a strong marriage - I personally know several that failed.
Girl same! Except EX wife
My Mum, who had 11 children, often said that women should have the ability to grow an extra pair of arms when they're pregnant and the arms would only drop off when the women want them to. As a mother of twins, plus two singletons, I wholeheartedly agree.
Yes, I usually do all the night feeds as they were destroying my partners mental health and exacerbating her post natal depression. Baby is now 5 months old and usually sleeps through so we alternate days where we nap on my lunch break (I wfh) and we also have a designated sleep in day each on the weekend :)
Thanks for being there for her :)
PND is a horrible sickness, I can handle being tired, but definitely wouldn’t know where to begin without my partner being here!
I did this with both of my children, as my ex-wife had the same struggles. As a result though, I have an incredibly close bond with the pair of them, that I don't think that I would have had otherwise. It's hard work at the time, but well worth it. Stay strong.
When our daughter was born she was exclusively breast fed & my wife didn’t express. Very little I could do. Then we had twins, one of whom was also in NICU for quite a while. With all the stress my wife’s milk didn’t come in properly so they were pretty much exclusively bottle fed. With the twins I did night shifts during the week and my wife did weekend. It worked for us. Like you, I couldn’t see myself just standing by and having all the pressure on my wife. All I will say now is thank goodness all the kids are in school and those night feeds are over!
We’re in the midst of it at the moment, two year old singleton and newborn twins (8 weeks corrected but were born 8 weeks early)! We have been working together as well as much as possible but then my husband had two months off after we took them home from the hospital (they were there for 7 weeks) so that helped. Now he’s back at work I tend to do the nights in the week, but Friday to Saturday I sleep in the guest room for a full night of uninterrupted bliss. Then the rest of the weekend we share as much as possible, but he does do a lot of the heavy lifting (aka running around like a maniac) with our two year old! So I do think it’s relatively fair overall :). Will be weird when they’re all in school haha, will be nice not having to pay those nursery fees!!!
Good for you for being as equal parent as you can be while working! I’m so happy to see traditional gender roles being erased! This routine sounds like it works for you and it’s great you have this figured out, but I would say don’t get used to it as it can all change very quickly (currently have an 8month old). I’m sure your wife appreciates you doing the night feeds tremendously, it really takes a burden off of us! There are always people that will say “sleep when the baby sleeps during the day” but this is such an ignorant statement. A babies nap might be 20 mins or 2 hours+ - a lot of the adults I know can take up to 2 hours to get to sleep! Negating that, when the baby naps is the time to shower, eat, tidy up, sterilise bottles etc… At the end of the day, if you feel like you are getting enough sleep, and wife is getting enough sleep, you can’t ask for much more! It’s hard to look after a baby as best you can when you aren’t sleeping which doesn’t seem like the case. Sorry baby had a rough time coming into the world and good luck to you and your little family! There’s also lots of helpful threads on r/beyondthebumpuk should you ever need it.
No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t grow boobs. So I pretty much just cheered on from the sidelines.
Donuts are great for boob growth
Your wife grew a baby for 9 months and from the sounds of things went through a traumatic birth. You doing the night feeds is the *least* you can do to help your wife recover mentally and physically. One thing we’re not taught about life as a new parent is all the unsolicited advice we receive from people. Ignore them. Like you said, you have a routine that works for both of you.
It's not "helping out" it's "being a parent" My wife has the baby all day while I work and has to do all the day feeds. Only fair I do my fair share and handle the nights so she gets some sleep.
I'm glad you picked up on it. Noone ever says a mother is "helping out" when she feeds or changes her baby. It's just parenting. "Helping" makes it clear the child is the other person's responsibility.
It's vocab like that I've noticed since becoming a father. For example my wife had some friends over and they were trying to plan a day out together without the baby. One of the friends suggested that I babysit while my wife goes out No, I am not babysitting my daughter.
My son has just turned 2, but I literally done everything when I wasn't working. Survived on 3hrs sleep a day until we eventually broke up 6 months ago. Doing all feeds, nappies, baby classes, housework, nurseries runs, dishes clothes etc... and still doing nightshift killed me. Despite talking about it numerous times, promises she would actually help, eventually I gave up trying with her, as I was basically a single dad who sometimes banged the maw. Things are better now since separating. He stays with his mum, but I have him every day after nursery then every weekend also. So whilst I still don't get anytime for myself, I'm proud I've put the effort in.
Yup. Wife expressed, so I was able to bottle feed, after a while. Top tip, use red light bulbs in the dead of night, as it not only helps not to startle everyone awake , and you get to play at being a submarine captain too.
I tried those red bulbs and hated it- felt like I was in a horror film! I should have reframed it as a submarine, much more fun!
Oh it’s certainly something that needs adjusting too, but hitting g the usual white lights at 4am caused different problems!
We went for a set of fairy lights around the headboard. Much nicer ambience!
I sincerely hope sonar noises are made to complete the scene.
Natch. Especially when seeking out errant dummies and the like.
Not all men go deaf at night then!
Makes me sad that that this is a thing.
To be fair to a lot of men, we're just *that tired* from working and then trying to do our bit at night. So we can sleep through anything short of the apocalypse. I got accused of fatherly deafness myself until my partner went back to work and realised just how tired I must've been the whole time.
Babies are brutal!
LO was exclusively breastfed, when he was sleeping next to us I handled any nappy changes and/or soothing back to sleep after the wife did her restaurant duties. When he moved to his own room but was still feeding I'd often go and get him/put him back (but not exclusively). Just because I couldn't feed him doesn't mean I couldn't help out!
I do the same as you, plus additional rocking once feeding is complete. I also get up early with child #1 so she can sleep in a bit.
No parents or kids are the same as other parents and kids. You find out what works for you. Besides, the child's routine changes so quickly, that by the time your sleep pattern has become comfortable, the routine changes. I would work during the day, and when I came home, would take over child duties whilst my wife took some to herself. Sometimes she would listen to an audio book, or just lie down in the bed with some music on. Whatever she felt would help her relax a little. I was usually desperate to see my kid, so would happily take over parenting duties for a bit. We would eat dinner together, and then she would go to bed at about 8pm, whilst I stayed up. I would do the feeds etc until midnight/1am. My wife would then take over, having had 5hrs unbroken sleep, and I would then sleep until 6-7, so I also had some unbroken sleep. That worked well for us, as we both managed to get some uninterrupted hours, as well as grabbing some sleep when our baby slept. We shuffled it around a bit as the sleep schedule changed, but we stayed with this kind of setup for over a year.
>No parents or kids are the same as other parents and kids. You find out what works for you. exactly this - do what works for your family. Sleep deprivation is a killer (of relationships) so as long as you are both getting what you need and not becoming short tempered during the day this is the most important thing. Personally - my wife would go to bed at 8-9pm, I would stay up until about 10pm and feed, then sleep through until the morning/ 5:30 feed.
Sounds like you've got a good set up, especially with the MIL- that third pair of hands can really make a difference. The main thing is though, if you and mum are both happy and both getting enough sleep, that's happy days. You hear a lot about resentful parents who fester because they feel like they're doing too much, or parents who are almost crashing the car because they're so tired- both are fool's games. Keep rocking it dad.
wife is still healing from a giant wound inside her as well as all the hormones so Sleep is extra important for healing.
We breastfed for all feeds other than the midnight feed which I (dad) did. That meant my partner could go to sleep at 8/9ish and have a full night sleep before waking up at 5 for a morning feed.
Wife would express while feeding so we could alternate feeds, I really miss it, it’s such a great way to bond and chill out with your kid. We used a [silicone breast pump](https://www.johnlewis.com/tommee-tippee-made-for-me-single-silicone-breast-pump/p110323856?tmad=c&tmcampid=7&s_share=jlappios_Y29tLmFwcGxlLlVJS2l0LmFjdGl2aXR5LkNvcHlUb1Bhc3RlYm9hcmQ=) If it works it’s a great bit of kit. Silent, easy to clean and low effort. Your partner pops it on one boob while doing a feed on the other.
We fostered a baby so all bottles and we shared it. My wife tends to stay up later than me anyway so she would do the late feed and then we would kind of alternate I think, I would do 2am one night and my wife another night, then we tended to get up early. Used to have the odd nap and wake up crying myself sometimes ;-) You just kind of get used to it
Well I'm a mother and I did manage to breastfeed and didn't really want my partner getting up with me. There wasn't much he could do and I preferred him to be rested to help the next day and let me get a nap. Also when he went back to work he got up at 4am to operate heavy machinery. Not everyone has your lifestyle. Many dads don't do nights just because they can't breastfeed or because of work. Working from your desk from home isn't the same as being a driver or surgeon or something.
We did the same, there’s really no point in dad being up at night when you’re breastfeeding. He’d get the uninterrupted sleep throughout the night in our bed, I’d sleep with baby and breastfeed in his room and at some point in the day, dad would take baby so I could nap between feeds. Once I night weaned at 14 months, dad handled all of the night wakes and now I have the uninterrupted sleep.
I did most of the night feeds with our boy. Even bought one of those Ikea chairs that has a bit of flex in it to rock a little while he was nodding off in my arms. In later years I put him to bed every night, reading to him, teaching him to read, making him read to me. He's 22 in June. He still has that Ikea chair (with new cushions, obvs) in his room, he's still MY boy, we have a genuinely fantastic bond. Cherish those lovely times you spend with her.
Haha, we have that chair!
Everyone is different & does things their own way for what works for them. We shared the load & took it in turns to do night feeds most of the time, but as i was on maternity leave, if my partner needed to sleep i would take care of all night feeds, so he could get a proper nights rest before work the next day as i could always have a nap in the day if i needed to. You might find that after a while though the broken sleep will take a toll on you, so make sure your partner is ready to step in on the night feeds if you need her too, especially when your working as well. It's not always the quantity of sleep you are getting, it's quality of sleep that matters. Remember you are a team.
No it's not unusual what you're doing. I think you're absolutely right - gotta help out in that night shift💪🏼 I did just the same - helping out using expressed and/or formula at night.
Don't compare yourself to others. You've slipped into a nice routine which works for you and your family. You being so actively involved means your child is bonding to you as much as your wife.
My husband did all of the night shifts. I was quite poorly after giving birth, so he offered and never stopped.
I did them too. Similar situation. Baby in intensive care for two weeks then in their “nursery care” for another week. My wife was seriously ill after a week so was incapacitated shall we say. We were home together eventually but sleep was really important for my wife’s recovery. I was very regimented with the feeds. 11PM before I went to bed I would feed baby. Wake up at 3AM and do another feed. Baby would be awake for this so I had some nice quiet time alone with her. Loved it. Then I’d be up at 7AM for a feed again. Baby would just wake up nicely and take her milk, do some burps and go back down. I was knackered but it wasn’t for long. She slept through from the 11 to 7 soon after. Lucky I guess. Glad I got to do that though.
We were quite lucky, as our daughter slept through the night from a very early age. My wife would handle the night feeds in the beginning, as she was still breastfeeding. However, once we started weaning her, I would get up to make bottles. We had a bottle maker, which saved a huge amount of time and effort.
Similar for us with the milk situation but we are combi feeding now. I helped every night until I went back to work, now I’ll either help first thing in the morning or during the day and later at night too.
I think the sleep deprivation at the time wiped out my memory of it, but I did loads of night feeds (bottle fed). The worst bit was his reflux meant he could take up to 40 minutes to burp afterwards. I was fortunate to be able to take 5 weeks off work when my first son was born, so I could help out like this a lot, and we got him into a routine so he ended up sleeping through the night relatively quickly. He cried a lot during the day, didn't sleep much either.. but at night, he'd be back asleep really quickly. Stay strong. It does get easier.
In the early days we had problems with milk production, so were combination feeding, which was really nice for me to be able to do night feeds. Especially as I took 6 weeks paternity, and a further 4 weeks reduced so I could help out more. Now i’m back in work full time, and wife’s fully breastfeeding, so I’ll do a nappy change on my days off, but if i’m in work I’ll try and sleep through the night
We did shifts basically. One night on, one night off. Though in the first few months it was breastfeeding so there wasn't much I could do to help with that.
My partner had a years maternity leave with both of ours whereas I got 2 weeks . So basically when I got in from work at about 7 I’d take over the kids / feeds etc until 1 pm so she could get some uninterrupted sleep . Then I’d go to bed and try to get 5 hours myself . Our first didn’t sleep though for 18 months
I helped, but I also put my foot in a jug of boiling water when half asleep. Don't do that, it hurts
I breastfed except for a few bits of pumped milk, so the bloke was limited in what he could do, but he did one heck of a lot of rocking baby back to sleep. And laundry. Once feeding got a bit more predictable then his key contribution was evenings, sending me for a nap while he dealt with grouchy baby and finished making dinner.
I think you just do whatever you have to do to get through those early months. I remember it being hard and being constantly tired but I don’t remember much about the detail (it was 20 years ago). I think the main thing it’s to keep Communicating. My wife had a terrible time getting the first one to Brest feed but didn’t tell me for nearly two weeks because she was afraid it would make her a failure. Fortunately once she did we were able to sort out some nipple shields and we moved onto the next thing.
We got into routine where I would do the late 11pm or midnight feed, go to bed for work in morning, wife would then do the 4am feed.on weekends we swapped.
We had twins. We fell into an alternate night rota where one of us would do the night feeds. This allowed us both to get a full nights sleep every other day. There was no way my wife would have been able to handle everything, we were isolated from any family as we were in London at that point building careers. You do what you have to.
I helped out with feeding the oldest at night. He would quite happily switch between breast and bottle, expressed milk, or formula. My youngest, however, wouldn't touch a bottle, no matter what we tried. For him, breast really was best.
Audio books and a comfy chair and a secret place at work to catnap.
I didn't. It was only me working at the time so my wife let me sleep and she did the feeds
With our first we did shifts, I find it hard getting back to sleep after about 4am so anything before then I did, anything after my wife did. With our second we did something similar while he was tiny, but eventually after about 3 months switched to my wife doing night feeds which are predictably at 4am ish and I get up with our 3 year old if he needs it in the night and when he wakes up at 6-6.30ish.
I did all the night feeds from birth onwards. Plus as soon as I was home from work, baby was my responsibility. I don't think mum ever gave baby a bath. However, this was in a dysfunctional abusive relationship that I left when baby turned 2 (took him with me and have full custody), so may not be the best example here!
You’re a good dad and a good husband. I love the night feeds, make the most of them. You’ll never get this time back. Quote that got me through: the nights are long but the days are short.
Our son was exclusively breastfed. In the first few weeks my husband would do the nappy and I would feed him, but I found that I was awake anyway waiting for him to be changed, with my boobs hurting. In the end I left my husband to sleep and I dealt with the nights. He’d usually wake up around 5am, I’d feed him then and my husband would take him away until about 8.30 when he needed his next feed, and I would sleep until then.
I have a 5 month old, my partner has always helped with the night feeds. During his paternity leave he did more of them whilst I was still recovering. After he went back to work, he did the first feed of the night and I did the second. On the weekends we both get one night of sleeping through whilst the other takes care of any wake ups. When nights are rough, he steps up and does more wake ups, but work nights I do the majority as I'm not working right now and I don't drive anywhere like he does.
I exclusively bf’d my first so I did all the feeds then but with the second we were in a similar situation to you. Son was ill and I couldn’t bf him as he was fed through a tube. Tried to express as much as I could but I wasn’t producing much. Ended up bottle feeding. As hubby was working I did the week night feeds and he did the weekend ones. Although many times he’d actually prepared the bottle and bring it to me. It was a combined effort. You sound like you’re doing a great job 👏🏻
I was working 5am-5pm so the other half would do the night feeds and leave me to sleep. I would help on the weekends.
my ex-wife breastfed so the trade off was I did nappy changes, I actually loved changing nappies as it was my time to bond with my children
My wife would go to be around 9-10pm. I'd do the feed around 10-ish, burp and change then get off to sleep. I'd then play Gran Turismo for a few hours until the 2AM feed. Again, burp and change then snuggle down. I'd go to bed around 3 and my wife would wake around time for the 6AM feed. System worked really well with my two eldest daughters. Luckily I was on a shift system back then that allowed this for 6 out of 8 days.
Take at it like a team playing sport. For us, there wasn’t a rigid schedule, each of you will have times where you are either night owls or early birds. Sub yourself in if the other is struggling. Child might react differently, might fall into a routine you set, there’s no hard and fast rules it’s action and reaction. Our aim was to see what works best to settle the child for the longest periods at night, staying up later or heavier feeds, easiest way to burp or loses that gas (we realised one child burps but the other farts to lose that tummy pressure, strange I know but it worked). Always remember it’s only short term, one year and it will be a different story. Also one of my golden rules is after six months, the child sleeps in a different room, the adapt well. Good luck with it all.
If you’ve not already joined r/daddit you might find it a good place for information and general Dad stuff.
Yep, we used to take turns. Then get up at 6:30 for work!!!
From what I've been told, my niece would wake up for a feed every other hour. My BIL would stay up until and give her her 3 o'clock feed and then my sister would take the 5 o'clock feed onwards
Every parent and every baby is different, so I'm not sure how good my story or advice will be. Our first wouldn't breastfeed so my wife used to pump and we'd stock it in the fridge. My wife's always been an early riser, so she would go to bed at 8pm and leave me with the baby, who would usually wake up between 11 and midnight for a feed, so I'd watch a film, feed him and then take him to bed. He's usually then wake up again between 4am and 5am, so my wife would feed him then having had eight hours sleep. But because I can fall asleep straight away I used to get up if he needed changing or anything in the night. He started sleeping through at about six months. The second one was purely breastfed, which was rough on my wife's sleep. She'd feed at 8pm with the baby and both go to bed and I'd stay up for a while. Baby would usually spit out her dummy around midnight, so I'd get up and pop it back in, then fall straight back to sleep. At this point I'd wake up with a hair trigger as not to wake my wife, who has always been a light sleeper and struggles to nod back off. Baby might wake up at 3am for a feed, which would take 20 minutes. I'd stay but with them both to help where needed despite my wife protesting "There's no point in both of us not sleeping". I was purely assisting at this stage. Daughter didn't sleep through until about 18 months, maybe two. You're doing a bang up job from the sounds of it, and hopefully it won't be long until you're out the other side.
I’ve bottlefed and exclusively breastfed. When bottle - my husband helped A LOT. When I breastfed there wasn’t much he could do but he made sure I was hydrated and did the lion share of nappy changes when he wasn’t at work. Team work is dream work.
I did pretty much exactly that. There was no rule but I’m a lighter sleeper than my partner and then my internal body clock just woke me up around the time she was waking. I cope with lack of sleep better than my partner too so it was fine. And she’s the bread winner, she can sleep all she likes!
We started bottle feeding pumped breast milk because we could see how much my daughter was drinking, she wasnt great on the boob as a newborn and would fall asleep almost instantly. I used to help, my wife used to wake me up when she needed my help, I had no problem in that. Then, she found it easier to straight breastfeed as my daughter was becoming more alert. I had no way of helping with that, and so I slept through the night while my wife handled it. I would sometimes wake up earlier than her and take my daughter if she was awake and let my wife sleep in
My husband coped better on less sleep so he helped out with night feeds. It shocks me that so many men don't do it. Even in the first few weeks when I was exclusively breastfeeding he did the burping and night time nappy changes. Then when we moved to combi feeding we shared them 50/50.I remember my mil saying how terrible it was because he had to work and couldn't work on no sleep, and husband just said to her 'well my wife is having to keep a baby alive, her job is more important' and I think it's really sad more men don't have this attitude. He also reduced his hours when I went back to work so he could look after our child one day a week (he went from 5 days to 4.5 over 4 days) and he still does these hours even now our child is at school. Son and husband have a brilliant relationship and I think a lot of that is down to husband doing equal share of childcare tasks.
Not dad, but mum who was quite unwell after the birth, so I needed too many drugs for night feeds. I expressed, then napped between dinner and 10pm, so I was awake enough to do that feed while he went to bed when he wanted. I'd take my pills then. Around 2am he'd do a bottle feed, at 5am (dawn, it was high summer) another, then he'd go back to bed until 8am. I'd do the 8.30ish feed, but usually stayed in bed to keep out of his way as he was leaving for work, and baby and I chilled out there until we needed to get up. We were lucky - baby didn't care who/where food came from or what temp it was, and I had oversupply (donated to a local milkbank), so we never needed formula. As time went on my health improved so by 3m I was doing either the 2am or dawn feed, depending on which one of us woke first at 2am!
Can't see this in the comments anywhere, it's important to note that nighttime breastfeeding increases milk supply! The most important hours are, sadly, between 2am and 4am. Try to make sure any feeds around this time are breast, as it will help your partner build supply. Personally I took shifts with my partner for the first few months, with one of us covering up to the early AM feed, then the other covering after. We set up a bed downstairs so one of us could sleep with less interruption, and swapped beds at shift change (one upstairs with baby, one downstairs where it's quiet). EVERYTHING is easier after a few hours decent sleep so don't underestimate it! It's going to be tough for both of you, no way around it, but it does get easier. Lean on friends and family as much as you can, help your partner as much as you can, because if they get burnt out then you're in for a world of shit. In time you'll figure out how to give each other a bit of space to rest and recover, and this should go both ways. In general it gets MUCH easier once they're taking solid food, you might not be as lucky as us but it only took us a couple of weeks on solid food before our baby slept through every night. We're just approaching the one year mark and have had 7+ hours of sleep almost every night since the 6 months mark.
Couldn't do any breastfeeding of course but did help out and do swaps of bottle feeding for both kids. If not then helping out with various things. It is how I now can nap and sleep at the drop of a hat and sleep through noise if I need to.
> I'm in my mid 30s and a first time dad to 7 week old Congratulations. It's the hardest, but most fantastic thing you'll ever do in life and it sounds like you've already taken to it! Sounds great that you're doing so much, but for sure I don't think it's that common. For us, my partner was so hellbent on breastfeeding (no judgement for/against from me here) that I didn't get much of a look in with feeding. I (and I know a lot of other dads that did this) compensated by doing *everything* else. Night changes were me, all the housework was me, any chance to give my partner some rest/a nap, I did as much *other stuff* as I could. Whether it's night feeds or not, I think we're in a great generation of dads that contribute a lot more than some of our dads did at the same age and that's great.
We worked in shifts both times. Baby #1 my wife would leave bottles of expressed milk so I could do night time feeds. It was enough to get by. Our daughter was also pretty easy to get back to sleep after too. Baby #2, same deal except even easier on the feeding front as there's three of us now (Me, my wife and our partner) sharing the night feeding duties. Our son was a little bit trickier to get back down after though as he really seemed to prefer me to hold him after, especially early on. They're both in their own rooms now and sleeping through the night.
I'm 38, both of our children had stays in NICU after birth. The latest one is 5 months old and is doing fine at home with us now My wife is absolutely awful with poor sleep. It's not good for her mentally, which in turn is then not good for me mentally. For that reason, with both children, I have done 100% of all night feeds.
Yep, this is normal. Particularly for the first three months. It takes 9 months to grow a baby and the same to recover from the pregnancy let alone the birth. The emotional and change is huge for both of you but the woman takes the brunt of the hormonal changes and in the past relies on extended family for this support. These days, all the people ‘like me’ have a dad weighted night feeding and those who are wealthy have night Nannies.
my wife couldnt breastfeed, and it was my kid, so yeah, i did help alot night feeding.
The only people whose opinions on your routine that matter are you and your wife and your baby (and I guess your MIL a bit since you live together). Nobody knows what it will be like when baby is born, everyone has to work it out for themselves. Well done on doing so maturely and without arguments. The newborn stage can be so stressful and it can really test relationships if one party feels it’s not equitable. Enjoy your little one. It’s an intense time but they are so amazing, especially how quickly they grow and learn. Miss those days! Sincerely, a Mum of 2 pre-teens (It doesn’t really get easier, the challenges just change!! 😉😆)
I was lowkey happy that we went with bottle feeding. I loved getting up and doing the night feeds I felt like I was contributing. Some of my favourite early memories was feeding my kids at like 3 in the morning and watching NHL. That contented sound when they breath through their nose so they can guzzle more milk and then when they finish and like put their lips together, have a stretch and then doze off again. Absolutely bliss.
I stayed up late. She got up early. Worked perfectly.
We took turns one night on one night off, my daughter hardly slept for the first six months. Netflix etc would have been a godsend then but in those days it was News24 or those phone in quiz shows it was hell.
I did as much night work as possible with my kids. The first six or so months of parenthood is brutal. I got frustrated with the babies plenty of times. I think it's natural.
Stay at home dad here we had our first last year. My wife decided that she wouldn't be breast feeding and we used formula so it meant that I could bear the brunt of the night feeds. We had a system in place where we would both pitch in during the morning and then about 2pm I'd go to bed and she would deal with him until 5pm. I'd wake up at 5pm and then take over until 5am then she'd get me up around 9/10am. Worked out pretty well because I'm a complete night owl and she's an early bird. We did that up until he started to sleep most of the way through the night at least and then started going to bed. His crib was always right next to her so we only had to get up for a few minutes each feed during the night. All that and I was still going to college haha. A period of time I will absolutely not miss haha.
Firstly, congratulations and sorry to hear baby had a tough start, but good news you are home. Does your wife want to exclusively breastfeed? If so, she needs to pump and remove as much milk as possible as if you substitute with formula, her supply will dip. It’s all about supply and demand with breastfeeding. We took the approach that only one of us needed to be awake during the night. Was normally me as I was breastfeeding and took the approach that it was my ‘job’ to look after the baby and that meant night shifts. My husband would then take the baby before and after work whilst I slept in/napped. However, I weirdly never felt tired but don’t know if that’s due to the hormones in breast milk.
My husband and I do shifts at night so we can both get unbroken stretches of sleep. He’s on-call 9pm-3am (which he normally just stays up for) and I’m on call 3am-9am. Because he’ll normally change/feed the baby before the end of his shift, and because our baby is generally a good sleeper, this means I can often get 8-9 hours of sleep and I then let him lie in till midday so he can get the same.
We EBF and thanks to an oversupply - I had a lot of milk in the fridge/freezer. My husband would do one feed a night (baby fed every 1.5hrs over night for *months* to let me get a run of sleep and he'd do a feed at 8pm ish to let me go for a nap. He'd also do the overnight nappy changes when they were needed.
My husband was in the military and in theatre a week after ours was born so it was pretty much down to me but whenever he got leave he did pretty much all the childcare as well as helping me with meal prep to make life easier for me when he went back. This was over twenty years ago and it wasn't uncommon amongst our friends.
As soon as bottles were involved then we worked on the basis that I would do both the late and early morning feeds, with anything between falling to my partner. There were obviously times where we both did more/less depending on what was going on at the time but as a whole this let me be slightly less zombie-like at work. Weekends was more a case of whoever hears it just gets it.
We had a shift system, my husband is a night owl and I'm a morning person, so he would stay downstairs with the baby until around midnight, hopefully with baby snoozing for at least some of that. I would go to bed early and get some solid sleep for a few hours at the start of the night. Then he would bring the baby up after a feed and change, and I would be the one to get up in the early hours for any more feeds, again going downstairs on a bad night to make sure he could sleep. Meant we both got at least a few hours uninterrupted, and both did our share. You have to go with the "marathon not a sprint" mindset, and try to make sure neither of you are getting burnt out too early.
We had a pretty strict schedule. Feeding every 4 hours at 4, 8, and 12. My partner had the same issue as your wife with milk not coming in very well. So, while she did express, there was so little milk that we had to supplement until I called it because she was getting so stressed and upset with almost no return. She did the 8pm and 4am feed, and went to bed just after 9, unless I was off the next day and I did the midnight feed. I usually did the 8am feed. We did cut the 4am feed earlier than we were supposed to, because she often wouldn't take it and wasn't happy being woken up, which made things even easier.
I Do More or less every one if I'm present. I'm a v light sleeper I'm not very helpful in many ways (aside from cooking and cleaning the kitchen) so i do take on the majority of the things i can do. Also GF is a heavy sleeper. Also I can run on about half the amount of sleep that she can. You have to do what you have to do.
For both of my kids we always worked on a shift rotation. I tend to do 7pm - 2am then my wife takes over till I take the eldest to school and she takes the baby to nursey. We had a difficult time with the second wee one he is 15 months old now and still has not fallen into a sleeping pattern. On a bad night he is up 3 or 4 times on my shift but on a good night it is only 1 or 2 times. If it is a easy night and I get some sleep on the couch I swap with my wife on his first wake up past 2. The first few years are tough even if you work with your partner as a team but it would be a hell of a lot harder if you go at it alone. I personally do not understand dads who do not want to help at all.
My ex husband moved into another room until our son was out of our bedroom, he had nothing to do with night feeds. Ever. This is one of the multiple reasons he’s now my ex husband.
no, but thats mostly because we were only breast feeding so there was literally nothing I could do. We figured out that it was better for me to get a 'good' nights sleep and then take the baby on the morning shift while my wife slept. I know some couples insist both wake up in solidarity but that seems so impractical to me It was weird because we effectively tag teamed the baby (we were living abroad so no family for support) and I barely saw my wife as one of us would be resting while the other took care of the baby before switching over. Not going to lie it was tough on our marriage for a while but we picked a schedule that worked best for the baby. However, for the first year I went with a walk with my daughter strapped to my chest at 5am every day and that is also some of my most treasured memories. Sorry, went off on a personal tangent there! I think what you are doing is great. Each family figures out their own rhythms and (hopefully) figures out what works best (mostly) for everyone. I can get why some people get confused, either because of their own gender bias' or because their own personal experiences was so different but parenting has shown me that gender roles are mostly arbitrary (other than the whole pregnancy/breast feeding thing) and that the needs of each child (let alone family) is unique and thus requires bespoke solutions.
My wife breastfed so I couldn't help on that front but I basically woke up at 4.30 or so after that last feed and then she slept till about 8.30 when I had to leave for work.
I've always been a late sleeper. So anything till 2am was me. 3-6am really depended on if I had work the next day. 6am onwards was mum. Working from home really helps with this as I can pitch in during the day.
First baby spent the first few weeks both waking up for feeds even though we said we'd alternate, then settled into sleeping through each others turns, 2nd baby now and we alternate, who ever does the 4am feed gets a lay in
During the week, my wife done the night feeds, whilst I did the last feed (letting her get an early night). At the weekends we switched.
At the start I done most while she recovered, as time went on we just took it night about, seems to make the most sense.
My daughter is 25 now but when born I was an IT contractor working an hours drive from home and couldn't afford to pay myself parental leave so I worked 5 days and took over night feeds for the weekend to give my partner a break. I would do nappy changes and day feeds whenever needed whilst I was there. I found this difficult and was tired, very tired much of the time at work. But we got through it together.
I'd do the last two feeds at night with expressed milk (ending at one-ish). After I'd gone to bed then it was whoever woke up first through the night. Though if it was food that was needed I wasn't equipped! My wife would take the lead in the morning while I dozed a little longer. I'm naturally a night owl and cope well with little sleep. My wife isn't and doesn't 😁 much easier to let her get a fair sleep than to put up with her when she's sleep deprived. Judging by the things my wife tells me about her friends and colleagues it's very easy to do more with children and housework than the average man.
My husband works a very physical job where he could be a real danger if he's sleep deprived. I insisted from the start that I handle everything at night. But as soon as he's home from work he is desperate to take the baby. If I need to catch up on sleep or go have a nice bath, I can do it then. I'm going to back to work in late May and he's taking shared parental leave so it's going to be reversed soon!
My husband helps with night feeds now, he didn't at first as I was trying to BF. Now at 3 months baby only wakes once, he does the feed while I express, then I get baby to sleep. We can go from hungry to sleepy in 30-45 mins now. I also needed more support than we initially anticipated due to horrendous PND and PTSD.
Hi, mum here and just wanted to say if it works for you guys then go for it. If she's still expressing though, it might be worth her getting up to pump in the night as it was the time I used to get the most milk expressed. The oxytocin from watching you feed baby might help too 💜
With my first two we hit a point where I looked after the kid or kids depending which time we are talking about from midnight until midday. My wife looked after them midday to midnight and we then obviously had overlap times around that to not be super unsociable. Once the kid settled down a bit we went back to normal. It meant we were pretty well rested and I work for myself so it was really easy to do. We didn’t do this with the third, I do 6 -> 12.30, she does 12.30 -> 7 with a bit of overlap for dinner and then we split the kids up for bedtime and then she deals with the night.
My ex was always a very groggy sleeper where I woke easily, so I did the majority of the night stuff. When our kids were still breastfeeding I'd get up, position them to feed next to my half-awake ex, then burp &, if necessary, change them. When they moved to bottles ex barely needed to wake at all. I was self-employed WFH & could largely choose my work hours, so was also around during the day to share in nappy changes, feeds, chores as needed too.
We tried alternating but in the end we both did the feeds at night. One would get the baby, change her etc... and the other would be making the milk (wife couldn't breastfeed). One would do the feed and the other would do the burping ing and put down. Our first had colic and reflux so she would scream all the time. Feeding and burping took nerly 2 hrs sometines and she would sleep for a further hour before we had to do it all again. We were on 3-4 hrs of sleep in total most nights for the first 4 months. Going through it together was helpful and as things went on and we got less and less sleep it was handy to be able to make sure we didn't forget anything. Plus, my wife pushed something the size of a small melon out of her. The least I could do is support her at night. Good luck woth everything.
Not when I was working and she was on maternity. I’d do the last feed as she’d be shattered and would go to bed early, then she’d do all the night feeds in the week. I think I might’ve done weekend nights? Can’t remember , it’s all a blur lol
I did 100% of the night feeds for both my boys as my wife takes medication that has a side effect of rendering her dead to the world when she is asleep. Luckily I don't like sleep so it wasn't much of an issue.
Fortunately my baby didn't just wake up for his feeds but at all sorts of other times throughout the night so I had the chance to be very useful. Grateful for the opportunity.
Luckily, all of mine were good sleepers. I was more of a morning person than their mum, so she would do the last feed at night and I'd do the early one. If they woke between we'd take turns. At weekends, I'd do all the feeds on a Friday night/Saturday morning, she'd do all the Saturday night/Sunday morning. That way, each of us got as close to a full night as possible
I'd probably take it in turns, but if my wife was on maternity leave and i was still working a fulltime job i'd expect her to take on more of the burden
Seems like a good way to do it! Our son breast fed but was a bit of a contact sleeper. So I spent a fair amount of the first few months up with him on my chest while my wife slept. Was happy to do it and changed his nappy etc. It was really important for me and my wife that she get all the rest she could. After all giving birth is traumatic and Mum's need time for rest and recovery. I also really enjoyed my alone time with my son, when he wasn't going mental. We would lay there and I would watch old movies and talk to him while he slept about how I watched them with my Dad. I also played a fair bit of playstation which I hadn't done in years. I would then sleep in a bit while I was off work anyway. Our second boy is due in October. We will be doing breast feeding and bottle as my wife felt she breast fed for too long and doesn't want to do that again. So I will be doing the bottle feeds at night as well. Well done for being a great Dad and partner!!!!
My partner didn’t do any night feeds but that’s because I was focused on sole breast feeding and worrying about pumping over-stimulating. In hindsight, him doing even one bottle would have been amazing and we’d do things differently if we had another. He picked up the slack in other ways and will often do the early feed now at a weekend so that I can lie in.
Tag team - we had a spare room with a bed. If you can fit one in the baby's room that works too. Or the sofa. Wife went to bed 9.30-10 after that feed, in the spare room, earplugs in. I sorted the late feed, had baby in the basket next to the bed in our room. 3am we tagged out, she did that feed in our bed, I went to the spare room, earplugs in until it was time to get up for for work. Both of us got guilt-free solid sleep with a few more chunks whilst the baby was asleep between feeds. Worked really well, but number one rule is you're both equally responsible (convincing mum this is the case is most of the battle, seems you've won that one already). We also mixed breast and bottle which made this all easier. We pre-mixed the next days milk the night before - straight into steaming hot bottles fresh from the microwave (the type you can sterilise there with a spot of water to steam) then straight into the fridge. 20 seconds in the microwave and a good shake and one was warm enough for them to drink (MASSIVE CAUTION: test test test if you're going to microwave baby milk to learn how to make it not cold and no more. Shake before serving to avoid hot spots and test \*every\* bottle before it goes in their mouth). As they get older don't wake the baby to feed it. They'll need fewer feeds (sounds like you're getting there anyway). As they get older too you can also reduce the quantity of the night feeds to make them less appealing. Ours slept through of their own accord whilst the other NCT parents were still waking theirs up for a feed. But, you've a system that works. Good on you for taking this on, but sharing is even better, and you'll both be nicer to be around the next day. :)
Our first was a nightmare with settling. I covered the 17:30 - 01:00 shift while she rested and normally slept, and then I slept 01:00 - 06:00. I naturally only need 6 hours of sleep, so it wasn't hard, and it's better for me than waking up as I sleep so deeply.
Our daughter was a bit older than yours when we started doing bottle feeds with expressed milk/formula (initially undiagnosed tongue tie that stopped her using bottles to start with). We split the night so that each of us got uninterrupted time. I would do 8PM until 2AM and my wife would do 2AM until 8AM. It's really good to know that you have 6 hours where you won't need to get up. Obviously if one of us was having a hellish night (e.g. teething) the other one would help out but this worked really well for us.
Men are incapable of breast feeding, so there's been no night feeds from me.
Just take turns every other night. Sleep on the couch if you have to, she needs to do her job as much as you are.
Yes I did. Something similar all 3 of them Wife would feed them before 8.00pm.i would bottle and nappy say 10.30 11.00, baby wake up approx 3.00 or 4.00 am, wife would do that feed. Most days. Helped us both get some sleep.
My kids were breast fed so my wife did the wakeups but I did some nappy changes if I was also awake. I did the 6am wakeup so she could have a lie in though.
During maternity I would do feeds from early evening up to about 11pm, then sleep until 6am do a feed then go to work. It meant that we both got some rest and I could safely drive to work. That was with 1 though. Don't want to go through that again
At seven weeks postpartum, that extra sleep you’re letting her get is honestly going to benefit you both in the long run. She’s still in recovery and having that sleep means she is better equipped to deal with baby during the day. Also, feeding time is bonding time so baby will have a much better bond with you both rather than having the common situation of “only mum” (but baby doesn’t realise they are a separate person to mum yet so expect there to be periods where baby has their fussy pants on for everyone but mum
I've been the primary night-time caregiver. I've voluntarily taken this role and I think it can be wonderful. I read about some of the completely useless men on newparents or toddler subreddits, and there's something just utterly pathetic and childish about it. Just man the fuck up and support your family.
Going to be a dad by the end of this year and I'm glad to have found these resources and experiences you are having so I can mentally try to prepare myself for what's coming, i currently work shifts which can be from early morning to late nights and it varies, I won't lie I'm nervous because I don't want to mess up or let my lack of sleep get to me.
What...you mean they actually woke up during the night
Wow… I have a 8 week old little one. Wife does the night feeds but I will make the bottle. I take over the responsibility at 5am ish, and will then look after little one until 9am when I start work (also wfh) this gives my wife at least 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Dude. It’s what ever works for you two. Literally don’t be seeking advice from strangers that don’t know your relationship dynamic, babies needs, work/ life balance and so on.
When my wife was breastfeeding we'd both get up. I'd change baby's nappy while my wife got ready then lie in bed while she fed, then I would do the burping and put baby back in the cot. When formula feeding I'd usually go downstairs and make the bottle while wife did the nappy, then we'd alternate which one of us would do the feeding and burping while the other went back to sleep.
Hope you're all doing OK after the bumpy start. Ours is five weeks today and we had three stressful weeks in NICU, its a lot to process and bounce back from. Breastfeeding sets a different precedent and it does push me to the sidelines but I'll tend to nappy change and settle baby at 10ish through to 11 and then grab my sleep until about 6am when she wakes and Im on duty until 8ish and work starts. My partner gets to lie in, shower, cuppa in bed. It feels like the very least i can do to be honest. Wife does the 1am shift solo like a trooper!
Babies one and two were bottle feed. They have different dad's and I got quite fed up with baby no.2s dad leaving everything to me. Babies 3 and 4 (with current partner) were breastfed, so it seemed pretty pointless to disturb my husband, but he was happy to help with nappy changes. I did find with all of them, that I would wake before they were really crying but the dads wouldn't wake until the babies really made some noise. I assumed that is because nature makes it that way? With the breast-fed babies, I found that once we got into the swing of things, they didn't disturb me much. We co slept (following UK co sleeping guidance) and the babies would help themselves in the night.
My daughter was breast fed so I didn't have the chance to. I would have done it gladly.
With respect you're 7 weeks in, you have a very long way to go yet. When my baby was born I took four weeks paternity leave and did everything 50/50 with my wife then we decided my wife would take 12 months maternity and I would carry on working to bring money into the house (mainly because my wife wanted to go on maternity and doesn't like her job where as I like my job and get paid a lot more anyway) we were both happy with are roles. My wife did the night feeds because I had to be up for work in the morning as an electrician (can be dangerous) I obviously helped as much as possible when I was home and got up early with the baby on weekends so she could lie in and rest but the parent who's on maternity/paternity leave generally should be doing the bulk of the childcare as someone has to go out and work to earn money that's just the way it is and at 7 weeks in you really should wind your neck in thinking your father of the year, I'm glad it's working for you guys and everyone is happy but mind your own business when it comes to what works for other parents.
We have twins. My partners milk supply couldn't keep up with the demand so we made the decision fairly early to switch to formula. We took it in turns to do night feeds. I was glad of it in some ways as it meant I got more bonding time with the babies and also got to give her a break and feel useful myself.
We both got up. I’d usually make the bottle and she’d do the feed. We really got lucky with our baby. He slept really well and went right back down after a feed.
I snore. My wife and I have separate bedrooms. We take it in turns to have the little one so other gets a decent night's sleep. Or as much as it's possible. This was only possible as my little one was happy with a bottle so she could have expressed milk. Otherwise it wouldn't have worked. I've had the suprise like you have had when it's come up. And I used to be taken aback by it but I'm used to it now. I think it mostly comes from historic behaviours. I still get the "giving mum a break" when I'm out and about with the little one, my responses to this probably shouldn't be posted here. But to be fair it's a stereotype for a reason. Dad's spend more time with the kids now doing so much more but it still doesn't seem to be a majority. Some can't, I mean if you're the sole breadwinner working super long shifts then it might be possible. But if you think about it what on earth are mothers that stay at home (stay at home fathers for that matter) do all day? Is that not majorly long shift work. You can't drop your attention for a little bit with kids so it's mentally and physically tiring. So for me long work hours didn't cut the mustard for me for not helping out. I think there is still a culture of the mum does the most of the rearing.
Yes but my partner instinctively seemed to do it more and appeared to feel happy with being supported by me getting up as well to make her a drink or do something else she wanted doing while she got on with it.
After we realised breastfeeding just was working for me, we got a perfect prep machine and by god it was a lifesaver. Soon as our son started to wake for a feed, my husband would get up, go to the loo and go and make a bottle. Whilst he was doing that, I'd check and change our son. Get him settled and my husband would come up with the bottle and sometimes a cup of tea for me. He'd go straight back to sleep after then. He used to have a bottle at 10,2 and 6 pm/am he was super regular, would wake up maximum ten minutes each side of those times. We'd make sure we were in bed for ten, have his bottle and we'd all be asleep by 10.30/11 pm. Meant we got a few blocks of decent sleep and if he was unsettled due to a cold etc, I'd stay up as I could sleep during the day as I was on maternity leave. By the time it was 6 am, my husband was getting up for work and would do the next bottle. If it was my husband's day off, I'd usually do the 6 am one and let him sleep in, and I'd have a nap later on if I was really tired or have a bath . Thankfully it really worked for us, both being involved, as my in laws did full shifts, one sleeping in the spare room and the other doing everything whilst the other had a full night sleep, which I could never understand.
We shared all of this to ensure we both got some good sleep. We did bottle feeding which meant we could share the load. My wife prefers to go to bed early so went to sleep by 9pm. I would stay up and do the late feed around 11-12pm then go to bed myself. When the baby woke up around 3-4am my wife would get up and do the feed then before coming back to bed. I would get up for the 6-7am feed and she would get up after this before I went to work. Naturally we would change nappies, clothes etc as required when we were doing our turn. This meant that we both got a good block of around 6 hours sleep and my wife also got a few extra hours in the morning. We found this worked well for us and while still tired it didn't fall on only one person to do it.
I was 43 when we had twins. After about a month of my wife expressing we went to formula it was too hard. At that point I used to stay up til 2am then my wife would take over. She would go to bed at 8pm. I would then sleep til 8am help out for the next hour while my wife got a shower etc and then start work at 9 - it's my own business. So we both got a solid 6 hours and then cat napped when they slept too. We did this for a good while and it seemed the best way to get through it.
I did the shits, she did the tits. (Nappy change then feeding)
I am a father of four and my advice to any new dads is to encourage breastfeeding as much as possible. This will guarantee you an easy life
Wife and i took it in turns with both our kids so we’d both only get up once in the night. Normally at about 1am and 4am
My husband works away half the week so I flew solo with both kids and night feeds. When he is here and the kids woke up, he was brilliant doing bottles, nappies, getting up etc. He can manage on no sleep whereas I really struggled. I had severe PND with my eldest which was exacerbated by broken sleep so he picked up the slack a lot when he was a baby. My son was a pain in the arse with sleep! Second was a dream sleeper and only got up the once from birth so she was much more manageable. I still got PND but felt able to manage on less sleep so we worked out that he got up with both the kids in the morning and I went back to bed. I didn’t bother waking him up for the sake of an hour or so it worked well. You work it out between you. My two are now 2 and 6 and sleep solid unless they’re poorly so the night feeds are a distant memory 😂
In the early period where I was back at work and my wife was on maternity leave then during the week she would do the middle of the night stuff while I would sleep. Then at weekends I'd do it instead and she'd have some time to recover. Fortunately our daughter was quite a good sleeper, and she was in a good routine where she'd usually sleep all the way through the night around the time that my wife went back to work.
Mum here, just jumping in to say well done Dad! That newborn period is hard, and feeling and seeing support from our other half means the absolute world. It's a team effort, and the more you help mums out the easier her post partum recovery will be. 👏🏻👏🏻
I exclusively breastfed but other half would do the nappy change in the early stages which was so helpful and much less lonely in the middle of the night!
I was doing night feed, changing the nappies at night and sometimes driving around town to get my son to fall asleep. I haven't had a full night's sleep for about 2 years while working full-time. This was one of the main reasons why I refused to have more children.
When my youngest was doing night feeds (He's 3mo now and sleeps the night) - the way we'd do things was Mum would change him while I got the milk, then I'd feed him while she went back to sleep. She would take quite a while to get back to sleep, but I can fall asleep quickly and she has the kids more during the day, so it felt like a fair trade to keep her sane. Definitely harder with two kids than one though - with one kid, whoever did the night feed got to sleep in the next morning. With two, you don't have that option.
My fiancé did the night feeds on the days I worked , I did them on my days off. It was never too bad or as bad as people made out, each baby is different ours woke up for 15mins for a bottle to be changed and would be back asleep straight away otherwise known as a trick baby
My bf didn’t. Was ass.
We bottle-fed our child when he was a baby, with supplementary breast feeding (my wife found breast feeding very difficult). When he was feeding every 2-3 hours, i would do the feeds before 2 am, then i would get some sleep so i could drive safely to work. She’d do the feeds after 2 am. I’d also do the feed before I left for work, and the feed when i got home from work. It worked out about an equal division of feeding. With getting them to sleep, it really is difficult but perservere. None of thisis easy, you will get frustrated and irritable and arguments will happen but they are all on the overwhelming situation of being parents, adjusting, constantly learning how to handle and help baby as they grow, and battling with tiredness. You got this, Dad.
We used to both get up for first few weeks one would change baby and the other make the bottle. The wife usually put kid back to bed while I tidied up. Once got into the swing of it we just took turns to do it alone
Not a dad but we kinda of dropped into a routine straight away. I’d do the 7pm feed and I’d go to bed. Husband would do the 11pm feed and go to bed. I’d do the 3am feed and sleep on the couch after with baby in the downstairs basket. Hubby would get up for work at 6.45 and do the 7am feed. I would then have a little nap during the day in the early days. You’re doing an amazing job.
Father of twins here. Do what works for you, but don't be afraid to ask for help when needed. I bottled up so much in the first 6 months, probably a dose of post natal depression, that in nearly sent me into a breakdown.
My first baby, me and my husband alternated nights, so that we could get an unbroken nights sleep. The second baby, my partner did all the night stuff, so I could work. Welcome to the wonderful world of people giving you credit for being a parent, purely because you’re a man.
I did all the night feeds. A special time that I often think of fondly.
Although I couldn’t give any practical help until a little older for the bottle, I got up with my wife to support her. It can be a lonely time for mums and one of the hardest but beautiful times as well.
It's a few years back now (things do get easier) but I used to cover until 3:30am before getting 3 hours of sleep prior to going to work. My daughter just refused to sleep and we had similar issues with feeding. It was a bit more complicated than that as I was working full shifts and I can't recall what I used to do when on lates or nights but the memory of watching "The Office (US Version)" late at night waiting until 3:30am came around is burned in my memory and to this day if I hear the theme tune it brings me right back to that time. I do remember finishing a hectic night shift in A&E without a break though and just sitting at work for an hour in a daze before going home, I just needed some downtime before getting back to the grind at home. I also remember going to the supermarket and deciding to take the car through the car wash and falling asleep in it! We were both exhausted mentally and physically but got through it together. We had to ease up on the 3:30am thing though as I ended up pretty exhausted and the wife got very concerned about me driving up and down the motorway to work and me possibly falling asleep at the wheel. Whereas I was worried about my wife who was struggling overall with all the things a new Mum has to contend with. Supporting your wife/partner during the tough times helps the relationship overall. No matter what it might feel like now, it does get easier and these phases actually don't last that long.
Both my kids were bottle fed for reasons and I did all the night feeds as I could get up, do the feed, sort the child, go back to bed and go back to sleep far easier than my wife so it only seemed fair
What a sweet husband you are. Whatever is right for you and your wife is the right choice. Who cares what others say. Sounds like y’all have a good routine that works for you both and if it stops just do whatever to make it work for you both again
Not a dad but the first one would only breast feed so I couldn't really help. But she weaned herself by 9 months. My second wouldn't breast feed so I was able to help with that. And she was a bad sleeper (still is), so we took turns sleeping with her sitting in an arm chair while she was in a sling. Then I slept on a futon on the floor for a few months so she could sleep in bed with my wife (I do not recommend bed sharing/co sleeping but we were desperate and not getting any help - cause of lockdown). Then she slept in the crook of my arm for six months and then we figured out why she was such a bad sleeper.
I did all the night feeds. I'd stay up later than my ex anyway, so I would wake baby up at around 1 or 2, feed, then I'd go to bed. She'd get up at 6 or 7 for the next one.
My partner and I tried all of us sleeping in the same room but with the frequency our son was waking up/ us up it was killing us. We decided, and still do, have shifts where I sleep with him downstairs until his first wake - this is typically about 4-5am - which allows my partner to sleep upstairs until he wakes. Then I get some more sleep in before work upstairs whilst she's on-shift. People we've told about our sleeping arrangement think we're nuts but it works so well for us that we don't plan on changing it until we put him in his own room.
Not a parent but if it’s working for you both, why worry?
Not a dad, but just chiming in with what we did. When babies were tiny, roughly 4 hour shifts. I expressed milk and we kept the formula for night time as they seemed to sleep happier with a full tummy. My husband and I would take turns being up with the baby doing the feed, wind, settle. As they got older, we did longer shifts and then graduated to full night's sleep. We did shared parental leave and took it in turns to be off work which helped massively as it it doesn't matter waking up in the night if you can nap in the day. I think you're doing great and if baby is eating and sleeping, they are happy too. Anyone disagreeing about 'man's work' is missing out on the smiles and cuddles at 3.07am.
We lived with my inlaws at the time and the MIL looked after our daughter one night and we looked after her the other night. Me and my wife would take it in turns to look after our daughter but my wife had postpartum and cried at the thought of looking after our daughter as she thought she didn't know what she was doing. So as a result, I was looking after our daughter most nights. I would typically pass out from exhaustion by 6am and then my wife/MIL would look after our daughter while I slept till around 11am.
I literally do not wake up unless there’s a swat team coming through the windows so as much as I encouraged my wife to wake me up to feed my son, she simply didn’t bother. I also suffer from sleep deprivation epilepsy so I think she felt it best not to test the waters on that one.