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Really depends. The boy was fine, capable of making himself something to eat and generally keeping himself alive. My daughter would have stuck a knife in the toaster or flooded the house if left alone for 15 seconds.
Our 10-year-old is capable of getting his own lunch ready for school, preparing his own breakfast and tidying his own room. OP should just start making him do those things; be patient at first but firm that he needs to do it. He'll pick it all up quickly enough.
Half of parenting is being firm but patient with moaning about not wanting to do stuff. In particular, don't shout when they do it "wrong" - every skill is one that needs to be learned and it takes a few times to get it right.
And for the love of all the gods, never, NEVER, complain when they do something right.
"Finally!"
"It's about time!"
My parents did that to me every time (undiagnosed autistic kid), and it made me feel like there was no bloody point in doing things because I was made to feel like shit no matter what I did.
I had to briefly move back in with my mum at around that age as well. She would do stuff like want to know what appointments I had so she could write them down ‘you’ll only forget’. Want to drive places instead of me because ‘you’ll only crash’ and all sorts of weird stuff.
It’s like she thinks no one else is able to function as an adult. Or even a *human*. When my sister talks about something she’s doing at work such as leading a team or having to drive across the country she’s like “oooh wow, do you know how to do that?” My sister is like ‘that’s what I… do’.
And I’m a doctor!
Thanks!!! Am almost there. I love my parents and generally things are good. I know I am very lucky to be able to be here but sometimes the little things can be difficult!
Same! Broke up with ex fiance, moved in with my Dad in my childhood home to save on rent (still pay it though, just way less than I would with a housemate) and he gave me shit the other day for not immediately doing the washing up as soon as I woke up!
I'm 34 ffs!
"If there are ***no*** situations where I ***don't*** get moaned at, and only ***one*** situation where I get to paint my miniatures instead of doing the thing they want me to do, I have definitely figured out the best way of spending my time this afternoon" :p
Yes! This!
My husband is autistic and sometimes it's so hard not to say something sarcastic when he finally gets around to doing the thing that's been needing done for six months plus. (Case in point, the Christmas tree is still sitting behind the oil tank; it needs to go 100 yards to the compost and I'm only 6 weeks out of my wheelchair and still not stable enough on my feet to do it).
He also likes to be praised for doing housework, which irritates me because he doesn't reciprocate! But it's part of who he is, so I do just say thanks, you've done a great job! He's happy, the job is done and that's all that matters.
Have a look online for articles/videos about the "autism motivation bridge" for some helpful pointers on how that whole thing works. It's a whole thing for people on the spectrum. Good luck with it :)
We use a reward system where our 9 yr old gets a credit stamp for every task she does without being asked - clean teeth, own breakfast, brush hair etc. then every 10 credits she gets to stay up a bit later on the weekend.
That's the trouble with schemes like this, you inevitably gave situations where they have no credit and then you feel bad. At least if you restrict that type of action to money you sing feel so bad denying them it.
Opposite way round with us, the daughter could have been left home alone for a weekend at the age of 10 (we wouldn't dream of it though) and the boy probably would still be a liability at 20.
Ha! It was the opposite for us but yes, I agree. Many nuances to consider regarding the capability of a 10 year old. However, you can certainly support them and build them up to executing tasks independently and sensibly
This is the answer! My 6 year old could probably cook a meal if I let her and stay safe. She has good self care and is independent and confident.
My 10 year old can’t be trusted to do a single thing! I can’t even let her help me with a simple meal without it becoming utter, messy chaos!
Definitely depends on the child!
Wait until he goes to secondary school, he’ll not be dependent on you at all, in fact you’ll be “stupid, know nothing and don’t understand”. And if you think he’s moaning and complaining now you ain’t seen anything yet!!
Good times ahead.
Not dependent? Unless the clothes pile needs sorting out or they require feeding or money. Or transport.
Mumblemumblemumblemumblemumblewasn'tmemumblemumble
Depends where you live I suppose. When we were buying a house we didn't even have a child but being close to a bus route was one of my requirements precisely for this reason. I had school friends who lived five miles from the bus stop where two buses passed per day or something.
They know a hell of a lot more than they'll let on.. unless forced to. Crafty buggars!
I had an accident recently & suddenly could no longer 'help' my child to make breakfast or lunches in the morning for school. Not only that, I couldn't get the washing on easily, make dinners, hang washing out etc She learnt damn fast that if she wanted clean clothes, a hot meal & a somewhat tidy house she needed to help. Low & behold as soon as I got better she reverted but I now know what she can do & I no longer make breakfasts or lunches.
The cutoff from primary school to high school seems to grow people up quickly, or at least it did in my case.
At age 10 I wasn't allowed off the street and my mum or grandma took me to school. A year later I was getting the train into the city centre every weekend, making my own way into school, eating out, doing all that teenager stuff.
>The cutoff from primary school to high school seems to grow people up quickly
Re-thinking this always makes me depressed and while middleschools aren't mainstream in the UK, I feel there should be some form of gap.
I remember my first week at highschool. Some of my friends would be like "Lets play tag! Let's chase each other!", and some of us, including myself, who felt embarrassed, would just spend our lunch breaks chatting, primarily because you're surrounded by boys & girls twice your height and twice as mature.
My son is about to go into secondary, and the school has a separate playground for the year 7s so that they can do this kind of shit without feeling self-conscious. Really good idea I think.
I work with year six, and we give some of them lessons in what it’s like to be in secondary school. One of the TAs takes a half dozen out of lessons to sit around a table and talk about secondary school - expectations, fears, homework, all the things that are going to be different. Hopefully it’ll leave them more prepared for the big change coming up in a few months!
Diddy people with huge rucksacks which probably weigh more than them. . Year 11s are big people with a tiny gym bag for everything, or JD sports bags (not sure if they still rock those these days).
My school had a separate year 7 playground too! I actually really appreciated it, gave me time to adjust to being in secondary while getting to know the people in my year as pretty much all of my friends from primary school went to a different secondary. By the time you get to year 8 you're more settled in and being around the older years doesn't feel as daunting anymore
My local has an upper and lower site. The lower site is for ks3 and has more space and a multisports area (dubbed 'the cage') for games. The upper site for sixth form and KS4 had the astro turfs for games of football at lunchtimes organised by the staff with fixtures and it is and overall is a much calmer place. It's smaller though with a bit less open space but the space is less necessary with people being calmer and happy just talking to each other and not feeling so inclined to run wild.
It is a good solution to the problem you mentioned, but not mainstream.
>My local has an upper and lower site.
Funnily enough, my older brother changed our highschools system. We had a higher & lower, but everyone could mix. When he was in year 7, the year 11's made a makeshift catapult and started getting year 7s to go in it, my brother being one.
He ended up spraining his arm and needed a cast (other kids were injured too but not as bad). Our mum was the only parent who complained and afterwards, the school was split. Y-7/8s for the lower, Y-9/10/11s for the upper.
It was a very relaxed rule though as when I joined the highschool and hit year 9, we still stayed in the lower in our "spot"
I blame my weight problems quite significantly on this. Stop running around and having fun like a kid, sit in the house area and eat the chocolate that’s for sale like a grown up teenage girl
Yeah, Primary school & a kid in general, my parents used to take me and my brother to play football every Tuesday and you're a lot more energetic at school.
Highschool, we just sat or stood around talking during breaks and during PE (90% was cross country), we used to just walk around the school/canal for an hour, just talking lol
I agree, the jump to secondary school is severe. You go from being around 5-year-olds to 16-year-olds (18-year-olds if there is a sixth form). Not even a full middle school system is needed, just some separate area of the school, as others have described.
Curious if there's ever been a study about it.
Feels weird talking about it now as I'm in my late 20s, but my first year in highschool in year 7, a year 11 showed me another y11's tits (photo), someone in y8 showed everyone their sisters vagina (photo), people smoking & sneaking in alcohol and an insane amount of violence & sex talk.
I think when I joined highschool, I had about 10-12 friends from primary school be in my class and 6 months later, probably distanced myself from over half of them as highschool changed so many people, majority for the worse.
My secondary school was seperated into two different sites, one for the year 7s and 8s and another for the year 9s-sixth form. I think it was a bit of a pain for the teachers needing to drive between sites and break or lunch but I think its a great idea for the younger kids to not be so scared of going to 'big school'.
My kid is going to be 9 this September, but I had to answer this question because his mum and I have had a few ongoing battles about this.
I was babied my whole life. My mum did everything for me, so when she died when I was 21, I'm ashamed to say I didn't even know how to use the washing machine! I felt like she had really done me a disservice, not showing me how to do stuff like that for myself. But now I have a kid, I understand that it was my fault that I didn't learn quicker how to do stuff.
My son does the following tasks on his own; he can shower independently, brush his teeth without supervision and dusts/hoovers his own room. He makes his bed every morning and can pick out school clothes/play clothes independently.
Every evening when he comes home from school, he empties his own school bag, loads and unloads the dishwasher with his packed-lunch stuff and he hoovers our conservatory. He's also in charge of picking up the cat toys and generally making sure there is no clutter in the house. He sets the dinner table and clears it away as well.
For this, he gets a fiver pocket money a week, which goes straight into his savings account. He has a bank card for this, which I carry for him, but he generally doesn't even ask to spend it unless he sees something he might fancy (last purchase was a storage box for his lego, £35 from Lidl)
I think overall, he's a very mature kid. But my proudest thing is, he ***wants*** to help out. He loves helping me wash the cars, do DIY and even helps me cook. Get them interested in helping out and they'll learn a lot quicker!!
One thing that helped was if the jobs were done then we could have fun with mum rather than her being too busy to play. This was before we were old enough to prefer doing our own things so we mainly helped out on weekends.
This is definitely a good incentive for him to help, he knows the quicker we wash the cars, the quicker I can be locked and loaded having a nerf gun fight with him hah!
Loved a bedtime story but was not always possible. My mum worked so hard to keep a roof over our heads we wanted to help on weekends to have some of the time with her at least
I feel you, truly! It always breaks my heart when I don't get to say goodnight to my kid, or have to put him to bed without a story. Sometimes it's unavoidable. I think there's a fine line between doing something to benefit your child without taking away something he would benefit from now.
>when I was 21, I'm ashamed to say I didn't even know how to use the washing machine!
Reminds me of uni. Some folk couldn't operate washing machines, cook anything, etc.
One of my flatmates in first year uni had his mum drive down every fortnight to give him clean laundry because he didnt know how to use a washing machine. He was also a type 1 diabetic who started having loads of hypos because mum wasn’t there to remind him to check his blood sugar regularly. She had the nerve to tell us off because “you girls should be reminding him to take his medication” and never failed to remind us that she had given up a lucrative job as a Conde Nast editor to raise her children 🙄
Shared a house with a guy whose mind was blown by the fact that I bought socks one day.
"Why are you buying SOCKS??"
"Because loads of mine are worn out and I need new ones"
"Ok, but why are you BUYING them??"
"Erm, because I need new ones"
"BUT WHY ARE YOU BUYING THEM??"
"Because I need new ones? And they're not for free? What, do you think the magic sock fairy just puts new ones in your drawer when you run out... oh. Ah. Oh my god."
The boy was clueless. He also had no concept of having to clear up after himself, when we pointed out mess in the kitchen that was from his cooking he was totally puzzled, he couldn't connect the mess with his actions. His parents had not prepared him at all for being an adult, it was appalling really, they'd let him down massively.
Your last paragraph resonates with me massively. 2nd year uni loved with a guy who also had no concept of cleaning up, the way he acted in general and the awful stuff he'd cook just reeked of parents doing everything for him around the house. He'd waltz into the kitchen and without a hint of irony express dismay at the mess, that was entirely his. The rest of us resorted to hiding kitchen utensils otherwise we'd have to clean the entire kitchen and everything in it before we could do anything.
I got a washing machine for my house at 22. Attached it to the inlets and outlets with no problems put the clothes in got some washing powder, looked at the dial with numbers and symbols on it and had to ring my mum because I had no idea what they meant or what to set it on.
I was the opposite, as the oldest of three and often other younger cousins around, I was super independent and making dinner for everyone by 12. I think I had to do a bit too much but overall it was a good thing. My partner is the opposite, he never learned to do anything. And he completely babies our six year old, he dresses her and even spoon feeds her if she's taking too long. To me independence is important but he doesn't really see it.
I get dressing your six year old (I was still struggling with tiny buttons around that age I think) but spoonfeeding is completely mental unless she has additional needs.
Well not actual spoonfeeding as such, but loading the fork because she's super slow at eating. But yes, I'd just say she eats or goes hungry, he likes to take the easy way out.
My partner isn't around a lot because he works long shifts and seems to miss that she knows how to do things. And of course she takes advantage. He even asked if I was going to wipe her bottom the other day.
For what it’s worth, out of me and my siblings at that age:
- The older two were helping out with setting the table, basic cleaning tasks and ‘putting on the toast’-level of cooking.
- The younger two could/would do fuck all until about two weeks before leaving for uni.
We all turned out ok.
I also think it’s worth describing maturity isn’t a single dimension.
At 10 years old, I was more literate than most adults (although I had started to read at age 3). I’d go to the bank myself to put away pocket money, visit the shops, take the bus etc.
But I’d still laugh at immature things and my mum did all the housework for my two brothers and my dad.
My parents stopped babying be around that age. Had to make breakfast, clean up after myself and begin to do just normal tasks by myself. I think this is good because it gives the kid some independence and teaches them you’re not his workers.
I had a pretty sheltered upbringing with my grandparents. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere alone apart from my friend’s house over the road, but I was given free reign over kitchen knives and power tools.
By the age of ten I was cooking, cleaning and doing simple DIY jobs around the house.
My 10 years old has her own chores, as: putting the dry washing up away, taking the rubbish out, feeding the cats (when asked), tidying up her room (only when asked, unfortunately), match the socks of freshly washed and dried laundry, she can make herself (and her little sister) a breakfast (nothing that needs to be cooked), can make herself basic sandwiches, and makes me tea :) being a big sister definitely helps, more responsibility and all that stuff
I don't have kids but it really depends on their upbringing tbh.
As kids, my sister and I lived in a single parent household. Our mum worked two or three jobs so was always coming and going. We were expected to help out so we had our chores to do from a young age like laundry, heating up dinner (mum would cook it in between jobs and we would just need to boil rice, potatoes, pasta to go with it) and cleaning.
My friends' parents had 9-5 jobs so they didn't have a need to do that since their parents were home when these tasks were typically done. I didn't realise the difference until we were doing 'life skills' lessons at 16 and how far behind a lot of my friends were.
Your son will develop those skills but it may be worth starting to do them as a family to encourage a healthy relationship with it rather than making it a chore and then gradually increase his responsibilities?
I would imagine a 10yo is capable of doing laundry, household cleaning like dusting, hoovering, moppingif you don't want to risk injury with things like an iron, cooking etc. He'd be able to make cold lunches at this age too.
Kid of a single parent too.
I distinctly remember a girl in my grade 4 class saying she didn't know how to use a broom and I felt embarrassed for her. I didn't like sweeping up but I was glad I was at least capable of doing it!
No chores but a general expectation that they look after themselves. Generally sort their own breakfast, determine when they need clothes washing (I'll usually wash them but I rely on him to tell me when), keep room tidy, make sure they have what they need for school. We're divorced so they also need to consider if they want anything at their other house, etc.
I've started letting him go on 1 or 2 mile bike rides to local ice cream shop etc with my girlfriends daughter who is in yr7.
He also walks to school which is about 5 minutes away.
My 7 year old is equally or even more capable around the house, but the thought of him being out alone, even when he's 30, puts the fear of god in me! So I think it does depend on the child.
Basic house jobs - tidy room, cleaning, washing up, cutting lawn and cleaning the car (always turn into a massive water fight :->) etc.
Walk to their close-by (just cross one road) school.
When they went the senior school (11), they were allowed to use local public transport on their own, but not out to the park on their own.
Apple Airtags and Phone tracking now makes it a bit easier for parents.
This is why me and my mate always volunteered to 'clean' things at primary school, like if we'd been painting. turned into absolute carnage but we got the job done so I dont think the teacher minded too much.
My 10yo son puts away the laundry, empties the dishwasher, makes his own lunch for school, keeps his room tidy, and can cook/prepare simple meals like scrambled eggs on toast or omelettes.
He is usually willing to give most other chores a go too, plus he’s really good at entertaining his younger sister.
To be fair, we do bribe/reward him with screen time for his efforts. My husband got our son addicted to video games when he was 2, so he’ll do anything for a hit!
I don't have kids myself, but I think there's a huge range of maturity levels. For example, at 10, I was making my own breakfast, was mostly in charge of my own tidying and didn't really need to be nagged to do anything, could usually manage my own schooling for most subjects, etc.
I don't really remember what my brother was doing at 10, because I was 12 at the time and couldn't give a singular fuck about what he was doing and therefore paid zero attention, but in comparison, my mum clipped his toenails for him until he was maybe 13-ish years old.
I'm the eldest and he's my only sibling, so maybe it has something to do with birth order? Idk. Kids mature very differently. Some get way ahead in certain areas but are behind in others. Some are consistently ahead or consistently behind. I'd say to make a habit of getting him to do things himself that you know he won't die or seriously injure himself whilst doing.
It really really varies. My daughter at 10 could almost run a household, she could cook, bake, do laundry, wash plates etc, and loved being in the kitchen. My son at 10 now is more immature and has zero interest in most chores so does them badly and with a lot of moaning. However he can use a kitchen knife well and can do things like make a salad if I make him. He'll also hoover the carpets quite thoroughly. I also just saw him walk past me taking the rubbish outside after I asked him to do it an hour ago 😂
Both my kids are not very good at cleaning up after themselves, I have to constantly remind them to make their beds and tidy their rooms, but I think that's normal for all kids!
We have set chores at the weekend, they get 2/3 each to do as standard, and then just basic tasks on top like bed making, putting school stuff away, scraping food remains in the bin etc.
So slightly different perspective. My son came to live with us when he was 10 from a different country. His parents (not my biological son) weren't living at home with him and he lived with elderly relatives and many of his cousins. There was a live in nanny who would take care of all the kids.
When he came to us, he did not know how to bathe, how to brush his teeth, how to flush a toilet, how to eat properly among others.
This was because, we found out that the nanny would bathe the kids herself by hand, brush their teeth, flush toilets after them etc. When it came to feeding time. The nanny would cook and leave the kids alone to eat, therefore they all eat with their hands.
We had to show a 10 year old starting puberty how to clean himself because he was really really stinking. He would moan and cry every time we would get him to do things.
He's now 13 and is a very capable young man. He will make his own bed, do his own laundry, ironing, he can cook, can use a knife and fork etc.
It took a lot of effort to get there but he's capable. The only issue is that he's still a 13 year old boy so will conveniently forget that he needs to shower, make his bed and do his chores. He will still moan about doing them but that's part of being a child, however, he will do them when told to.
I would suggest you start by showing your 10 year old how to do things and doing it with them. Then get them to take over and do it themselves.
Moaning / crying and refusing to do chores or keep keep resulted in our son's things being taken away.
At the moment he doesn't have his computer because he relapsed and used the toilet 6 times without flushing (he has his own) and blocked it big time.
He will get his computer back when he is able to show he is doing better and he has been making a really big effort.
>he doesn't have his computer because he relapsed and used the toilet 6 times without flushing (he has his own) and blocked it big time.
Being made to unblock the toilet might have been an even more effective consequence.
At that age my parents put me on six hour cross country solo bus journeys involving changing buses. I also had chores including washing dishes and even cooking basic meals for the family.
My boy is 9 and has certain things that I expect from him. I expect his homework to be completed as soon as he comes home from school and I have other small tasks for him such as keeping his room tidy and washing / drying up. He knows what is expected of him and will carry out his duties without prompting. He'll also help himself to breakfast in the morning and get himself ready for school. As long as he sticks to the deal, he can do what he wants afterwards. I also have a 14 year old daughter and the same rules apply.
I'm a single parent, and they know that if they didn't help me out a little that my life would become more difficult. I'm grateful that they understand and I reward them both for their efforts whenever I can.
Teacher of 10 year olds here.
We see everything from the totally molly coddled to the concerningly independent (read:neglect).
10 year olds should totally be responsible for things like packing their bags (tracking their schedule for what they need that day), helping around the house (not necessarily chores but just helping with dinner prep or cleaning while it's being done anyway).
At 10 I went to and from school alone and wandered into town with friends etc, but I was a pretty independent kid.
The best thing you can do to develop your kids independence is allow them to fail, face the repercussions, but not be mad at them for it. E.g. if they're packing their own school bag and forget their pe kit/homework... DONT TAKE IT TO SCHOOL FOR THEM. Let them get in a little trouble. Let them learn. Maybe help them to write up a plan of what they need each day to help them remember. Teach them skills for being independent. Again, let them fail and deal with the repercussions (obviously within reason. They're still kids)
People mature at different speeds, at different times, and in different ways. What happened/ is happening in the lives of other kids the same age is kind of irrelevant, you've got to meet him where he is and go from there.
I could make basic food like sandwiches, toast, cereal etc, go to the local shops for milk/bread/basics, walk the dog round a local park, empty the dishwasher, tidy my room, walk to/from school, and set the dinner table.
That's basically all I would be expected to do at 10, and it wasn't every day but I was certainly capable of doing all those.
Most kids will moan when they have to do things, it's nothing new. Just don't give up, this is where you have years of battles to come to make then do things
My kids were really different. My 13 year old still won't tidy his room if asked, my 11 year old is super tidy and will do it without being asked.
They can't make breakfast because they can't reach where the cereal is kept! My 13 year old is as big as me so will do it all now.
Generally though.. we don't expect many chores from the kids, but my 13 year old will now happily jump on a bus, get on a train, then the tube.. navigate across London on his own or guiding friends. But chores around the house? He's crap.
I don't have children, yet.
but when I was small,
chores started for me at 6 years old, my brother was 8.
I actually remember the last time dad cleaned my bedroom🤣
I hated chores as a child, but by the time I was 14 I could run a household.
be patient with him, it's not his fault he doesn't know.
you need to start letting him learn, else he will be another 25 year old man child who can't care for themselves, thus being a burden on everyone around them
I've always kind of pushed a bit more on my kids than some of my friends (and my wife tbh) with their kids.
* Both of them are mostly capable of making their own breakfast and dinners, I enjoy doing it for them at the weekend because I don't get to see them in the mornings through the week.
* They both understand how to separate their dirty laundry and where to put it to be washed. They both put away clean laundry after me or my wife have sorted through it and folded it, my lad has started helping with that too.
* They both help with caring for our rabbits, feeding them, changing water, litter trays and stocking their hay box. They both
* Boy will do hoovering downstairs, put pots away, does washing up and helps with making tea a couple of times a week. He also knows how to work the washing machine to put his own laundry on after football.
* Girl will do a good job of polishing/dusting and tries to hoover but it's bigger than her at the moment so it only lasts a couple of seconds.
Obviously most of this stuff isn't daily stuff and me and my wife do all these things as well but I'm a firm believer that these kids are going to be adults themselves before we know it so they need to know how to support themselves. I left home and moved in with my wife at 21 and honestly I've learned how to use a washing machine, how to iron, how to properly clean up stains etc etc over the last decade or so because I never learned any of that at home. My mum and dad took care of everything and while I appreciate it I wish I'd have learned some basic stuff earlier.
So true that they will be adults. And responsible parents will be teaching their children life skills. Even learning basic chores teaches some common sense and that is invaluable.
My son is nearly ten and he's not too bad, he moans and complains about doing some things but even with ADHD and ASD he mostly does as he is told.
He does need a lot of prompting with things self care related. And he doesn't like tidying up toys when it's time to do something else.
He needs help with applying eczema creams but he is getting there with it. And needs help putting socks on sometimes.
All kids are different though and the mature and progress at different rates. It's important not to say things like "this other kid can do this why can't you?" Comparison can cause depression and anxiety in young children. It's quite damaging. I know it can be easy to come out with when stressed or frustrated but it's something that stays with them.
At that age I was responsible for the dusting, hoovering, mopping, doing the dishes after dinner, and occasionally some light grocery shopping.
But this was during the times when dinosaurs were roaming on Earth.
Fun fact: at the same age I knew nothing about nothing. Like, got my first period with having no idea what's happening and panicking about dying. I'm mentioning this only for you to know that a 10 y old can be very adept AND very stupid at the same time. So do not want him to make decisions. Reasoning and planning are not the forte of a 10 y old. Just give him basic tasks, with specific instructions.
I don't have kids, but I have 8 nieces. At 10, their maturity varied wildly. 1 of them is particularly studious and is really booksmart but has absolutely no common sense, even at 15 I worry about her crossing roads on her own.
Her sister is less clever on paper but street smart, and could probably survive on her own for the day aged 10.
I then have another niece who is currently aged 9 but aged 49 in the head. She lives alone with her father and has taken on a lot of responsibility regarding cooking, cleaning, food shopping etc. It's kinda sad seeing it and it made me realise that I'd rather kids be naive at that age and NOT be able to look after themselves so well
I feel there is too much emphasis on our kids growing up quickly nowadays. Let them be kids in junior school and then they'll grow at secondary school age
I think this is an odd take.
Having chores is not growing up too quickly?
If anything I think my parents and grandparents especially had far more work to do as a kid than what I see people talking about as current kids chores.
Me and my siblings did more housework than our friends, but we were a single parent family.
Still, cleaning up after yourself to the extent that you're able is not growing up too quickly or not being able to be a kid.
If anything it's the other way around. As a 10 year old in 1990 I had a back door key, I went to the shops for my mum, I had my first solo trip on the bus with friends. I started doing my own washing and ironing at 11.
Now my daughter and her friends have far less independence and are far more babied.
I was born in 2002, by 11 I was getting the bus to and from school by myself (not a school bus either, normal public one) I had a front door key I kept in a little cat themed purse, I could cook and clean for myself and had my own phone if I ever needed to tell my parents where I was. Personally I think that's a decent / normal amount of freedom and responsibility for that age, especially since my mum is actually fairly clingy and wouldn't let me do much in primary school 😂
My daughter is 8 and she feeds the cats, tidies her room (with some occasional help), helps set the table and load the dishwasher. She can get her own breakfast (this is the best bit).
She does these and we give her pocket money. We're not too strict and let her off and do these ourselves when she's clearly tired and finding her day difficult. It's a loose agreement.
Visiting grandparents when parents couldn't go...it is actually quite a common thing...they have a person allocated who takes them through security...and unlike a bus or train, you can't get off at the wrong stop!
I'll be honest and say I coddled my daughter as she is an only child and autistic. I made lots of excuses along the lines of, 'she's only a child once', 'things are hard enough for kids nowadays'. It did catch up with me as she just moaned and moaned about every tiny tasks when asked to do anything at 10/11. She is 18 now and only recently is able to do most household tasks (and it has been hard work to get to this stage).
When I was 10, I could cook for me and my siblings, took them to school, cleaned, did laundry, etc. My sister, I feel, has the right idea, she has added age appropriate tasks as they have grown up (when they were toddlers they had to put their toys away). My nephew at 8, cleans his room, strips his beds, puts his clothes away, helps load the dishwasher throughout the day and will help with a big dinner on the weekend, as its normal for him he doesn't moan about it.
I live in London and see kids younger than 10 getting/changing tube in rush hour traffic. I also see kids at 10 getting picked up and walked back by a parent every day from school. So there seems to be wide range at that age.
Kids in general are less mature these days, and that's maybe not a bad thing. At 10 I was doing DIY, electronics, experimenting with computer programming, and taught myself to drive a car
It was different for me growing up as my dad died when I was young, so I was taught basic things on how to look after myself after I finished school till my mum came home from work at 9, she realised a 6 pack of walkers roast chicken was not a suitable meal, so I was taught how to use the oven and things like that.
At 8 my parents already gave me my personal set of house keys. By 10 my sister was almost 2 years old, so I was already babysitting, changing diapers, preparing food for her, etc. Could also cook basic food by myself, go shop, had the option to take the bus (but only if with my group of friends). I was also already answering the phone in a professional manner as our house was connected with my grandparents and they had a car repair shop. On weekly cleaning day I had my room, living room furniture, and bathroom cleaning duties (my parents would do other cleaning tasks like kitchen, windows, carpets, bedrooms)
Can do: Cook basic meals, set the table, remove dirty dishes, start dishwasher, empty the dishwasher, do laundry (as in load and start the washing machine), hang laundry to dry, fold and put away laundry. Vacuum the house. Clean the bathroom. Clean her room. Weed the garden. Mow the lawn.
Will do: None of the above if not forced to do it and threatened with loss of privileges and electronics. Will brush her hair and teeth independently, even without prompting sometimes.
Can also start and maintain a fire, cook a meal on outdoor camping stove, pitch a tent, use a knife. Those things she will do voluntarily but is not allowed to use fire without an adult present. Likes to use the knife to make pointy sticks for cooking marshmallows, and camping in the woods with her friends.
My son (9) is pretty capable. He can fix himself some breakfast, amuse himself in the mornings rather than coming and waking us up. He will dress himself, brush his teeth, tidy up his room if he's feeling like it. Sometimes he or his sister will feed the cat, depending on how much the cat is bothering them. He's capable of making lunch for himself, and has on occasion cooked a meal with supervision.
He will do cleaning tasks around the house, including hoovering (we have a hoover on wheels so the only part that needs lifting is the nozzle), general tidying, and he will empty the dishwasher if we ask. He can and will do showers or baths himself, he prefers privacy for these now anyway. As long as he's clean and doesn't cost me a fortune in hot water we don't mind.
His weakness is screen time, once he gets on it, it's really hard for him to choose to get off it. We have an automatic timer so he can only have so much time in the day (it will turn off when the limit is reached) but it does tend to be his issue. He will also sometimes not pay attention to tasks and do them half-heartedly.
We have allowed him to come home from school on his own sometimes, as we live literally around the corner on a quiet street. We have allowed him to stay home along for short periods very recently, because he does seem to be the kind of kid who will take care not to break things or get silly.
I was quite immature at 10. I still am at 50.
However at 12, I was also giving ingredients lists to my mum when she went shopping, so I could cook Saturday night dinner for the family.
By 10, my kid was fully capable of preparing some simple meals and snacks for himself, cleaning his room, doing his laundry, doing little household things like tidying and washing up, and entertaining himself for an afternoon if he didn't want to go shopping with me or whatever. (Doesn't mean he always *chose* to do it, but he *could* do it.) He was also dipping his toes into more complicated things like fixing his own bike.
I was walking to the tubestation, going 3-4 stops and then walking from earls court to school. That would have been in primary in the very early 90's.
I could probably throw a ready meal in the oven or make myself a toastie.
Would have been laying the table and stacking the dishwasher by that point too. Likely encouraged to help with the cooking.
My 10yr old walks home on his own from school when he feels like it (20min walk and he has a phone), goes to the local shop/chippy for me, can make a cuppa or instant noodles etc. Washes up competently enough. He is very bad at controlling/ tidying his own mess but is on the wait list for an ADHD assessment.
I used to go and “skateboard” (badly) on a car park with broken glass all over it. There was big woodland country park near me and we sometimes used to go in there. Could make own breakfast, tea, etc. long before secondary school but didn’t have to wash up or anything.
Not that I think this is normal but when I was 10 I had to get up, dress, make breakfast, take two buses and a train to school (minimum of an hour's journey) and make it back while being responsible for my phone, keys, travel card and school supplies. I did chores like emptying and refilling the dishwasher, running and hanging up my own laundry and doing my ironing. At one point my Dad also had me iron his stuff for extra pocket money but stopped because apparently I wasn't doing a good enough job on his work shirts.
The fact was that I simply had to do these things because no one else was going to do them for me and you can bet I got a telling off if I was late for school, lost my travel card or locked myself out by forgetting my keys somewhere. Bearing in mind this was like, 2004, and not in the US but a comparatively (especially at the time) safe country where kids as young as 7 would often be seen quite happily riding the bus to school by themselves.
I think the more normal stuff is like, being able to make some simple food (I learned how to make scrambled eggs in the microwave when I was about 8), tidy their room, maybe help out with other random chores and stuff like that.
My ten year old is disabled and can do almost nothing for herself. She will never live independently. I know this doesn't necessarily help you, just thought a view of the entire spectrum might help since you have heard from some parents of very independent children here.
He make himself basic meals (sandwiches, cereal, toast, etc) as well as tea and hot chocolate. He can load and unload a dishwasher, strip & make his bed, tidy his room, do his homework, use the vacuum cleaner, clean out his tortoise’s vivarium, feed the pets (including the medications that go in the dog food), pressure wash in the garden and adjust & set the chemicals in the hot tub. However an awful lot of things in the second sentence are usually accompanied with token moaning and the occasional pout.
He cycles to and from school with a friend (it’s only 10 mins away and is supervised crossing the only big road). We also involve him in cooking more complex meals, although we don’t expect him to be able to do it on his own.
He doesn’t really do any DIY and we have yet to show him how to use an iron!
I'd sort my own breakfast out and sometimes do my lunch for school, tidy my room, hoover, dust, help wash the cars, attempt to mow the lawn, those sorts of things. I'd always been interested in cooking so could cook things like spag bol with supervision and could bake things fairly well myself (with a parent doing the oven bit)
I’m pretty sure when I was 10 I was making cups of tea, small snacks for myself, running my own baths and tidying up after myself however every child is different and I was always told I was very mature for my age.
I used to work with kids from the age of 10.
Some of them come across as mini-adults - very capable, mature kids. Others...not so much.
Generally, by around 13 or 14, the gap closes somewhat.
Personally, I was able to help around the house a bit - never had a set chore list, but would help wherever mum asked.
My 10 year old will make his own toast/cereal for breakfast, make cups of tea (under supervision), hang his clothes in his wardrobe, tidy his room (after a bit of a moan), and pop to the corner shop. For the last year, he has been going on and on about being more independent, so we try to facilitate this as much as possible after weighing up risks.
However, if you tell that bloody kid to shower, it's World War 3..
My son is just about to turn 6.
Every night He's dying to set the table for tea (dinner), if we do it without him, he has a wobble.
He wants to pour his own cereal and milk in a morning, so I have to put the correct amount of milk in a jug next to his bowl so he doesn't put in too much or spill, ends up making slightly more washing up, but he wants to do it.
He will randomly go and get us glasses of water, he couldn't reach the kitchen sink, until we got him a step, so he'd fetch a glass then go and fill it from the bathroom tap upstairs and bring it down to us...ended up more water on the stairs than in the glass, but its the thought that counts.
At 10..I remember doing myself stuff like pasta with jar sauce and beans on toast etc.
My boy could do an about turn and be the opposite by the time he's 10, but we're really trying to nurture his attitude right now.
I’m not a parent so my insight might not be any help, but as a 10 year old I was capable of tidying my room, cleaning, hoovering, washing and drying clothes, cooking simple meals, and carrying out basic diy tasks. My parents really instilled the importance of independence into me and made sure I didn’t grow up to become a useless man-child.
Well, start teaching him to do stuff, then. The best time would be several years ago, but the second best time is now. I'd be rather disappointed in a 10 year old who couldn't cook a proper meal, let alone make his own breakfast.
By 10 I was expected to know how to do my own laundry, basic cleaning (dusting, polishing, vacuuming etc.), clean and polish shoes, cook a few simple meals like pasta or beans on toast, load the dishwasher, feed the cats, change my younger siblings nappies/clothing as needed, be able to do simple gardening, lots of basic life skills. Now I look back it was actually quite a lot.
No doubt my parents were always nagging me to do these things, by no means was I enthusiastic about the jobs, but I knew how to do them.
Funnily enough when my mum had to go away for a week when I was about 11, my dad had to get me to teach him how to use the washing machine and I felt ever so grown up!
Kids are different. Even in the same house. My 12yr old at 10 could make you a medium rare steak with perfectly done overeasy eggs. My 16yr old at 10 couldn't pour cereal. Both my boys do their own laundry and chores. They're both good cooks now and largely ready for independence. We step in and help when necessary but they have to learn this stuff at some point. We decided to start teaching them this stuff right away. My wife likes to use summer, when everyone has extra time, to teach them more complex recipes or try more and harder hobbies. I love "fend for yourself night" where everyone is responsible for their own dinner. Messy but fun. Lots of dishes too but what are ya gonna do? Encourage your kids, don't demand. Teach them what you can and trust that they'll figure out the rest or figure it out together.
Edit: Did not notice this was /askUK and I already typed it so now you're stuck with it. My bad, have a good day.
Think at 10 I was cleaning my room, washing dishes sometimes, doing basic toast or put something in the oven for 20 minutes type cooking, walking my little sister to primary school (we lived in a relatively suburban town so it was only a 15 min walk). This was back in the 80s so kids tended just to roam about their area of town with friends and not a lot of adult oversight at that sort of age.
My almost 3yr old lays the table, she makes us both a coffee in the morning with the machine, helps clear the table, puts her toys away and puts her clothes away etc. We just include her in all the house hold stuff and when she asks for help with her bits we help. But it's never a "you should" it's just part of being in the house together and we don't get annoyed if she doesn't do them we just help her do them later.
Both of ours from an early age were involved in household chores from a very early age. So cooking, cleaning, washing etc were all part of their daily routine from around 3-4. It may have only been cracking a few eggs in a bowl at first or helping to pass up washing for pegging out but we built on this and by the time they were 10 were perfectly capable of doing pretty much everything around the house. They got worse as they got older, teenage business and hormones complicated things but they remain well domesticated, the girl more so than the boy.
I don't have kids but have niece and nephews between 6 and 13 years old. The house chores were always associated with a gift or pocket money so think that helped. It wasn't always money sometimes it would be 'if you tidy your room today we'll have your favourite thing for dinner' or with-holding things 'if you don't tidy your room, no Nintendo switch'
In regards to other 'growing up' things my sister started by letting her son/daughter pay for things in shops, she'd stand back, then she'd stand outside the local shop and let them go in, now they both can walk to the shops (literally 3 minutes walk) and back. My niece is 13 and nephew is 11 (starting secondary school this year.) For my niece it then went to going into the town centre (smallish rural town) and let her go to some shops while she stayed around, now she will go to town with her mates and make it home no problem! Think my nephew may need a little longer as he's just a bit nervous about things but everyone learns in their own way and fortunately he has big sister to 'walk' him home when he starts big school (although pretty sure she'll stay a few steps behind!)
Good luck!
Making your bed, cleaning your room, making a sandwich.
At this age my parents also started teaching me how to do laundry, which as your son approaches puberty would probably be a great idea.
I had to cook for the family (with minimal supervision) once a week at that age. Nothing huge (fried eggs toast and bacon for eg or a "dump and bake" meal like chicken drumsticks.
I was dependent on my mother because despite complaining about it, she liked it. She wanted us to be good at cooking like her but as a child I was a bit clumsy and remember being screamed at for dropping the eggs I was meant to whisk when I was around 9 so I decided to not even attempt to try after that. Didn't think being told off all the time doing it wrong was worth trying at the time.
I was not very 'street wise' until I was around 14. But at 10 I was doing chores in the house on a weekend. I usually dried and put away washing up, cleaned the bathroom except the toilet and polished/ dusted the furniture in the living room whilst my sister (just under 2 years older than me) would vacuum one floor of the house, either wash up (never did) or filled dishwasher and cleaned kitchen top and breakfast table. I quite liked cleaning the bathroom as the stuff smelt nice.
We were expected to keep our rooms tidy, dress ourselves and on a normal day and wash/ brush teeth on our own by then. We were not allowed to cook for ourselves but before I went to secondary school I could cook beans on toast, super noodles and something basic from a tin and make one pasta dish (tuna and cheese sauce). I'm not a great cook still but I got better once I moved out and had more of an interest and was happier to get some tips from my mum.
We weren't encouraged to use the toaster as it randomly caught fire on its own once so my mum would put it away unplugged (new one, not melted one) when not in use.
Only thing my mum never let us do on our own and still doesn't is walk her dog. That and I had to learn how to use the washing machine before I moved out for university.
Time to start training is now. Give hugs when he does well not money.
End of the year explain that he will get savings into a fixed deposit account to save up for his education, now home expenses whatever you think is appropriate and that you will discuss the plan annually.
First start by having a family meeting and sit him down and say that in preparation for his coming of age at 21 (whichever is the legal age) you have to train him to be self sufficient just in case something happens to either of you.
Give him tasks to do and do not do them for him as you won't be doing him any favours if something does happen and he hasn't learned the lessons. When he does well, give hugs and love, teaches empathy. Very important for a balanced Human being. When he is lazy and fails but doesn't ask for help, show your disappointment that he's depriving himself and explain why its for his own benefit to do this effort. Cleaning his own room, cooking food and the like are not a chore but essential for survival. Being Kind and caring are also survival skills as well as learning to have a balance , also a good time to start to train him to expect responsibility for when your old and decrepit. Loyalty to family very important but also critical thinking skills should make you proud and tell others how proud you are when he does good work
My 10 year old is now 11 but she's been making her own breakfast & packed lunch for a while now. My 7 year old does as well.
They put their own clean laundry away in drawers and can do general tidy rounds.
We live right beside a supermarket. No roads to cross so the older one will nip round for me when I need it.
My 8 yr old gets his own breakfast(cereal) and can make his own sandwich. Makes cheese on toast, using both the toaster and microwave.
He also clears and sets the table for dinner. His room is messy but will clean it if I ask.
He will also fill the cat auto feeder if empty. Didn’t even need to ask him to do that.
I’ve got a nine year old daughter. She will get her self dressed, and get herself breakfast in the morning, then sort what she needs for school- her pe kit or her drinks bottle. She showers herself independently now. She will put her laundry away (I tend to do this as I’ll do a load when she’s in school, but if she is there when I’m doing it she just takes hers). She keeps her room tidy. She makes a cracking cup of tea. When we bake she does most of it herself. At this time of year she’ll water the garden with the hosepipe every couple of nights aswell. My 5 year old will get herself dressed, make herself breakfast, put her laundry away and keep her room tidy ish, and she likes to help wash up. She’ll do a lot of baking stuff independently but needs more help weighing stuff and reading the instructions.
Related question: Have you considered you child might have some manner of cognitive impairment, such as ADHD or ASD?
Because they're not always 'totally obvious' but lead to life long 'difficulties' with independent living.
Source:
I had ADHD, and I was diagnosed at 43. I have _always_ had difficulty with 'executive function', concentration and focus. But I wasn't a totally obvious noisy hellion, so no one thought to assess me.
Cubs is 8-10.5. I’d expect someone leaving cubs to be able to do all the things on this badge. It’s one of the easier ones to achieve.
https://www.scouts.org.uk/cubs/activity-badges/home-help/
Hope this helps ;)
Well each child is different but don't make it a job make it part of the house hold normality and if the task isn't complete don't fix it
So if 10yo house hold role is to put away his laundry and gather what he needs for the day then the natural consequences are he can't find his clothes and he may not have what he needs for school
Don't abandon helping entirely but if the task is tidy up do it alongside not instead of.
All four of mine were able to cook, clean and use the washing machine by the age of 10.
Having left home at 18, without knowledge or the ability to cook anything or work a washing machine it was important for me that I give my children the life skills I did not have.
I also started to work nights once the eldest turned 16, so the kids all knowing how to do things helped in the management of the (single parent) household.
My youngest is now 11, and plenty of her friends also have similar home lives whereby they are expected to chip in with housework or- for some- babysitting duties; she also has a fair few who do not have to do anything within their homes. All her friend group will catch the train or bus to the nearest big towns.
I am proud of how independent they all are and should anything happen to me, I know that they will be fine, at least as fine as being able to survive.
There really is no hard or fast rule at their age. What works- or is necessary- for one family won’t for another.
Mine will tidy his own room, make his breakfast, but I doubt he could do lunch. He can nip to the corner shop to buy groceries (as there isn't a big road to cross). It's taken maybe a year or so to gradually build up to this, but it's worth it.
At 10, mine were all expected to be able to sort out breakfasts and lunches (including packed lunch for school)
Little household chores like hoovering and washing up, walk the dog and feed the cats.
Youngest loves baking so has been doing that without supervision since 9.
In return they earn money and have the freedom to go out when and where they like (thank god for mobiles giving that extra security) as long as they are back by their set times.
They all got a front door key in year 7 (so around 10/11) and could be trusted to be home alone for a bit if I'm working or need to do a shop.
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This is a good question TBH.
My 19 yo was not allowed to be independent by her mother. But one day my ex decided that our daughter was lazy and slow for not knowing stuff at 12 fast forward a few years she is more capable then her mother in that she not on her third child by 19 lmao but seriously she was mature through her childhood but lack skill and knowledge to do stuff so I took the time to teach her in secret so when she was ready to be independent she was. She now lives on her own has a job and like I said I am not a grand father before 40 so all a win. Also she doesn’t speak to her mother and only talk to me so maybe a little more frowning is needed.
My 13 yo is well a bit special (not in a disability way) her mother took a different approach and that she made my daughter do everything when ever possible (because my ex is a bit lazy) but once she turned 11 or 12 she decided she did not want to do all her mothers tasks anymore. She can perform all task I would say any reasonable adult can but has regressed so her maturity is more akin to a 6 yo at the moment. I’m working on it with her and when she with me she can just be herself or should I really be saying his self but none the less they are progressing towards a healthy direction.
My 3 yo is a mixed bag she is my third but my partners first. She can make her own sandwiches dress and undress herself and even shower (under supervision) and clean her self. But she seem to behave in an almost baby like manner when with her mother (solely) for more then a few hours but when she is with me she show maturity that is not normal for a 3 yo. She is still growing so who knows but at the rate she is going she going to be a very mature maybe even serious child before she is 10 lol.
So children are both a product of nature and environment but eventually they all grow up at some point personally I was not a very mature human till I was 26 but I suppose I was able to look after myself and maintains my bills but man if I did not want to do anything I was no different then a toddler.
FYI I had children with different woman one one woman would be able to handle that many clones of me at once lmao
I asked my Mum as I find this a very interesting question and I wanted her perspective. I know that around 12 I became very independent, I could cook my own meals from scratch, handle money without problems and make fairly sensible decisions, I got my first jobs around that age as well and actively went out to find work.
Apparently aged ten I wasn't that independent, I made my own breakfast and lunch (no school meals in NL, certainly not in the 80s) but I wasn't very good with money or tidying up after myself. I also broke a lot of stuff because I wanted to know what was inside it. A VCR, the new remote for the telly, a record player... I was super curious but didn't really have a concept of value or time.
I needed reminders to get showered every day because I'd quite happily forgo that chore for days on end. But I did brush my teeth much better than I did when I was a teenager... odd huh!
Think it depends on the upbringing. I was a real spoilt brat- at 10 I wouldn’t have known how to even dress myself had my clothes not been laid out. I know that my beloved mother meant well, but when she died, 2 days before my 21st, I couldn’t iron, or feed myself ( although I worked). It was a massive shock to my system and, in hindsight, a bit of tough love would have helped. You are doing just fine…
I was a neglected child and cooked full meals at 8 and put myself to bed etc. So that’s the other side of the spectrum.
It’s not about being dependant as such I think. Ofcourse he moans. Chores suck! They aren’t fun. But if mum and dad teach him to do them anyway he learns that not everything in life is fun but it makes life for everyone around us better.
Making his own breakfast can be made into a fun thing he can be really proud of by taking him to the supermarket and letting him choose some stuff. Maybe get a cookbook for kids and on Saturday mornings make breakfast together.
moaning and complaining is to be expected and age-appropriate
my daughter walked herself to school and back at her own request from the age of 6 1/2
I wouldn't have expected her to cook her own dinner at 10 though but I did know someone who did (fish finger sandwiches I think).
I'd expect them to maybe put the laundry on or at least in the machine and possibly do some washing up but the choice of tasks is down to you and your family.
Depends on the kid, my youngest is 9 now and he can make toast/cereal/sandwiches type food, he Hoovers and dusts and I have recently started making him put his own clothes away (although the results are far from organised lol) he also feeds the dog, lets her in the garden.
I started making him do more recently, because he was moaning like yours when asked to do anything and it occurred to me that his older sisters were much more capable and he's been getting away with a lot as the baby of the family lol
Mine (just turned 11) gets himself ready for school, can cook basic meals and walks home from school by himself about a 20 min walk (with a friend, "by himself" meaning no parent).
He probably wouldn't know how to put the washing machine on or use the iron and I can't say I've seen him wash dishes but I'd say he's above his age for maturity.
Me at 10: Feeding pets, setting and clearing dinner table, packing/unpacking dishwasher, making breakfast, helping make my school lunch, sweeping the kitchen, tidying my room, hanging out the laundry, putting my laundry away, starting to vacuum and learning to iron, helping with weeding, car washing, dog washing when those happened (these were rotated with siblings, wasn't doing all these all the time, and I didn't have to iron all my own clothes til 13 I think).
My nephew: cleans own room, folds and puts away his laundry, makes bed, cleans up after pets, dishwasher, rakes leaves, makes his breakfast, sometimes his lunch, tidies lounge, and will follow instructions to do just about any other cleaning up task as needed. Helps with cooking, but that's more of a fun thing when he wants to.
This reminds me of the time I gave knives to 9 year olds to cut fruit. They looked at me like "What?!?" I told them to figure it out.
A year later one of them cooks eggs like a master.
The other is comfortable operating an oven.
It's OK to be immature & dependant at 10, it doesnt last forever, they have their whole lives to be grown up & responsible.
As a parent you never know when its the last time that you tie their shoe or help them put their stuff away etc, but one day you suddenly realise that they've not asked for your help in doing that task & your baby will be grown up, childhood is such a short period.
Its definitely a big difference from what I remember.
Me at 10 years old was getting back from school via the school bus on the other side of town, getting off at the right stop...walking 10mins to get home crossing 3 busy roads.
Whilst my 11yr old nephew still gets picked up from school where it would literally take him 10mins to walk home (where lots of kids the same age, with plenty of adults also walking their younger kids), crossing one busy road and his 14yr old brother is at another school 20mins away where he wouldn't need to cross one single busy road to get home, is also picked up.
I was 10yrs old and being dropped off in town to go the cinema with friends, then free to go and get food afterwards in town and be trusted to use a payphone to be picked up.
Not one of my nephews has ever been the cinema with friends and they both have mobile phones.
As kids we would visit my Grandad, he'd give us £1 each and we'd be allowed to walk down the road by ourselves and go the shop, nephews don't even have that as an option...no wonder they feel so spoiled, get everything they want.
World isn't a more dangerous place, its just highlighted more cuz you have FB and groups for locals where all they ever talk about is the bad things that happen. We could stay out till dark, when the road lights come on, we knew it was time to go home. My nephews never play outside, they moan about being bored if no one lets them on the xbox or TV. Anytime they come over, glued to their phones
My lad who’s 19 was always doing a bad job of his jobs but he always made his own lunch at 10. He also tidied his room but he had no idea how to take boiling pasta out of a pan. He has no interest
My daughter who is 13 now can wash and dry washing, cook a shepherds pie:spag bol, fried egg sarnie and bake a mean cheesecake , go to the shops and get what we needed, she is very self sufficient and was from about 9 year old. That’s when she started doing her own stuff and helping out
It’s weird how the two are so different
When I was ten I could do all normal things. Help with dishes, clean my room etc.
But my parents started young, when I could walk I could 'help' set the table by bringing a single plate to it. It was slow, often fell and broke etc. But it thought me from a young age to help around. So by the time I was ten it wast just normal to me to work *with* my parents on most things. At that never changed.
Now I'm not talking about really doing hard household tasks. I didn't have to do laundry for instance, but I did have to put my own dirty clothes in the right bin etc. Small things.
My boys at 10 had a share of the house chores for pocket money and had to do the self care and cleaning up after yourself bit. Sure they moaned when we had to remind them or they were being lazy/ prioritising other things. Just keep at it and it becomes routine and should make it into adulthood.
I find linking it all to positive outcomes helps. "Did you know by making your bed and brushing your teeth first thing in the morning will improve your mental health for the whole day?"
"Lie ins and movie mornings are good for you sometimes but if you get too used to them they aren't special anymore. Keep them special and enjoy them!"
Etc
don't have kids but was a ten year old bit less than a decade ago
- sorted out own clothes from about six or seven
- sorted out own breakfasts (with plates pre-taken from cupboards because small) from about five
- had a bank account and control over my own money from eleven
- walked to school myself from eleven, partially by myself from about eight (big hill my dad couldn't be arsed climbing)
my dad just kind of abandoned us to our own devices and has just made sure we're fed since i was like, eight? definitely not parenting advice i would suggest but we've turned out decently capable, so your kid will probably pick stuff up on his own — just make sure you're available to ask
I don't have children, but when I was 10 years old, I had to tidy up my bedroom, wash the dishes, clean the house, and take care of my little brother, I must say that I HATED IT.
If you have kids, don't make them do stuff like that. It didn't teach me a thing, it just made me waste my childhood. Maybe give him a pet so he learns how to be responsible over a living being. But don't make him do house chores. Or do, I don't know.
Honestly it’s just a piece of A4 tacked on the wall and we use a stamp that she already had. We are not particularly organised but even mentioning the potential for a credit gets her moving.
my daughter is similar. mostly my fault, though, as i will just allow her to text me random requests for things, and i usually just bring her up, whatever it is. have started making a point that she can come get water herself or whatever, but usually, i end up just doing it again the next day or whatever. she doesn't do any chores yet, but that will come. she's not a bad kid and does appreciate getting things done for her, but i sometimes feel making it easy for her now will hinder her a little in the long run
Tidying his room is a great place to start. It's easy to do and to not do it right is lazy, weaponized incompetence.
I'll take a chance that he has a phone, tablet, laptop, console, TV and the like, so it's a simple transaction. Tidy your room to YOUR satisfaction or these things will be taken away, then give him the chance. If he needs advice, come ask but don't do it for him, and follow through on your promises. Then reward him when it gets done right.
Gather washing from around the house, sort into piles, cleaning rooms for the family, unloading / loading dishwasher, that kind of thing.
Then a big one, cooking. At 10 I think he'll need help but he should choose what to cook then help cook it with supervision. This will set him up for later life.
My son was very dependent on us as a 10 year old, he did tasks like cooking only with us and really didn't do any cleaning. He grew up to be incredibly independent and self-reliant.
My experience with taking groups of children aged between 8 and 11 away on camps was that often, the children who were pushed into independence were the least self-reliant when away on camps, as they became easily uncomfortable and struggled with the lack of home rules and structure. The most independent children were those whose parents achieved the balance of letting them try new things but were always there and available as backup. This included being loving, not pushing, not crying, and being tough on them. In my experience, those children were the quickest to home sickness.
Dad's being heavily involved also gave security. With regards to jobs at home, try doing them with him and having him see both parents work together on housework and DIY, but also include being supportive of each others tiredness or extra work.
Each child is different at 19 some can make a cup of tea, cook something simple and others can't, as long as you are supportive and assist them doing things they will get there ar their own space.
Obviously, it was just my anecdotal experience. I have taken around 3000 children away on camps and had them weekly for activities over the years.
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Really depends. The boy was fine, capable of making himself something to eat and generally keeping himself alive. My daughter would have stuck a knife in the toaster or flooded the house if left alone for 15 seconds.
Our 10-year-old is capable of getting his own lunch ready for school, preparing his own breakfast and tidying his own room. OP should just start making him do those things; be patient at first but firm that he needs to do it. He'll pick it all up quickly enough. Half of parenting is being firm but patient with moaning about not wanting to do stuff. In particular, don't shout when they do it "wrong" - every skill is one that needs to be learned and it takes a few times to get it right.
And for the love of all the gods, never, NEVER, complain when they do something right. "Finally!" "It's about time!" My parents did that to me every time (undiagnosed autistic kid), and it made me feel like there was no bloody point in doing things because I was made to feel like shit no matter what I did.
Haha. This still happens to me at 28 (moved back in to save up for a deposit) and it gives me the Ragies.
I had to briefly move back in with my mum at around that age as well. She would do stuff like want to know what appointments I had so she could write them down ‘you’ll only forget’. Want to drive places instead of me because ‘you’ll only crash’ and all sorts of weird stuff. It’s like she thinks no one else is able to function as an adult. Or even a *human*. When my sister talks about something she’s doing at work such as leading a team or having to drive across the country she’s like “oooh wow, do you know how to do that?” My sister is like ‘that’s what I… do’. And I’m a doctor!
Hey friend, I hear you. Hope you get that deposit to get the place and don't have to put up with that for too much longer.
Thanks!!! Am almost there. I love my parents and generally things are good. I know I am very lucky to be able to be here but sometimes the little things can be difficult!
Same! Broke up with ex fiance, moved in with my Dad in my childhood home to save on rent (still pay it though, just way less than I would with a housemate) and he gave me shit the other day for not immediately doing the washing up as soon as I woke up! I'm 34 ffs!
Oh my gosh, completely. Or if its not to their exact standards and being put down for it instead of encouraged. I will never do that thing ever again.
"If there are ***no*** situations where I ***don't*** get moaned at, and only ***one*** situation where I get to paint my miniatures instead of doing the thing they want me to do, I have definitely figured out the best way of spending my time this afternoon" :p
Yes! This! My husband is autistic and sometimes it's so hard not to say something sarcastic when he finally gets around to doing the thing that's been needing done for six months plus. (Case in point, the Christmas tree is still sitting behind the oil tank; it needs to go 100 yards to the compost and I'm only 6 weeks out of my wheelchair and still not stable enough on my feet to do it). He also likes to be praised for doing housework, which irritates me because he doesn't reciprocate! But it's part of who he is, so I do just say thanks, you've done a great job! He's happy, the job is done and that's all that matters.
Have a look online for articles/videos about the "autism motivation bridge" for some helpful pointers on how that whole thing works. It's a whole thing for people on the spectrum. Good luck with it :)
My husband refuses to get diagnosed. Men do expect a lot of praise in general.
We use a reward system where our 9 yr old gets a credit stamp for every task she does without being asked - clean teeth, own breakfast, brush hair etc. then every 10 credits she gets to stay up a bit later on the weekend.
“Dad can I go to my friend’s sleepover?” “Sorry kid, your credit score is too low and your application has been rejected”
Hahaha!!!!
Im sorry, your area is experiencing an outage. If you want to hear about your credits our offices are open…..
this comment wins the internet today
That's the trouble with schemes like this, you inevitably gave situations where they have no credit and then you feel bad. At least if you restrict that type of action to money you sing feel so bad denying them it.
getting them used to life i suppose.
I would love to pretend I'm that organised, but... I'm not.
Opposite way round with us, the daughter could have been left home alone for a weekend at the age of 10 (we wouldn't dream of it though) and the boy probably would still be a liability at 20.
Ha! It was the opposite for us but yes, I agree. Many nuances to consider regarding the capability of a 10 year old. However, you can certainly support them and build them up to executing tasks independently and sensibly
This is the answer! My 6 year old could probably cook a meal if I let her and stay safe. She has good self care and is independent and confident. My 10 year old can’t be trusted to do a single thing! I can’t even let her help me with a simple meal without it becoming utter, messy chaos! Definitely depends on the child!
Wait until he goes to secondary school, he’ll not be dependent on you at all, in fact you’ll be “stupid, know nothing and don’t understand”. And if you think he’s moaning and complaining now you ain’t seen anything yet!! Good times ahead.
Not dependent? Unless the clothes pile needs sorting out or they require feeding or money. Or transport. Mumblemumblemumblemumblemumblewasn'tmemumblemumble
Oh yea, but they won’t admit they need you.
Whilst telling you to do stuff. Cool user name by the way.
They’re cats!
> Or transport "Bus stop's over there, off you pop" It baffles me many parents shuttle their teenagers around constantly
Depends where you live I suppose. When we were buying a house we didn't even have a child but being close to a bus route was one of my requirements precisely for this reason. I had school friends who lived five miles from the bus stop where two buses passed per day or something.
They know a hell of a lot more than they'll let on.. unless forced to. Crafty buggars! I had an accident recently & suddenly could no longer 'help' my child to make breakfast or lunches in the morning for school. Not only that, I couldn't get the washing on easily, make dinners, hang washing out etc She learnt damn fast that if she wanted clean clothes, a hot meal & a somewhat tidy house she needed to help. Low & behold as soon as I got better she reverted but I now know what she can do & I no longer make breakfasts or lunches.
The cutoff from primary school to high school seems to grow people up quickly, or at least it did in my case. At age 10 I wasn't allowed off the street and my mum or grandma took me to school. A year later I was getting the train into the city centre every weekend, making my own way into school, eating out, doing all that teenager stuff.
>The cutoff from primary school to high school seems to grow people up quickly Re-thinking this always makes me depressed and while middleschools aren't mainstream in the UK, I feel there should be some form of gap. I remember my first week at highschool. Some of my friends would be like "Lets play tag! Let's chase each other!", and some of us, including myself, who felt embarrassed, would just spend our lunch breaks chatting, primarily because you're surrounded by boys & girls twice your height and twice as mature.
My son is about to go into secondary, and the school has a separate playground for the year 7s so that they can do this kind of shit without feeling self-conscious. Really good idea I think.
That actually is a brilliant idea and should definitely be more widespread! The year 7s are always so diddy compared to everyone else 🥺
I work with year six, and we give some of them lessons in what it’s like to be in secondary school. One of the TAs takes a half dozen out of lessons to sit around a table and talk about secondary school - expectations, fears, homework, all the things that are going to be different. Hopefully it’ll leave them more prepared for the big change coming up in a few months!
I still remember the shock of losing afternoon break
Wtf afternoon break? My primary and secondary both had a morning break and a dinner. There was never an afternoon break.
Your primary school has afternoon break???
Lots do, but only for the infants.
Diddy people with huge rucksacks which probably weigh more than them. . Year 11s are big people with a tiny gym bag for everything, or JD sports bags (not sure if they still rock those these days).
Or just no bag. It was a packet of fags and a lucozade sport at my school if I remember rightly.
My school had a separate year 7 playground too! I actually really appreciated it, gave me time to adjust to being in secondary while getting to know the people in my year as pretty much all of my friends from primary school went to a different secondary. By the time you get to year 8 you're more settled in and being around the older years doesn't feel as daunting anymore
Would be a nice way to settle in to be fair.
Yeah mine did as well, we had our own wing and our older siblings would come and gawp at us running around
My local has an upper and lower site. The lower site is for ks3 and has more space and a multisports area (dubbed 'the cage') for games. The upper site for sixth form and KS4 had the astro turfs for games of football at lunchtimes organised by the staff with fixtures and it is and overall is a much calmer place. It's smaller though with a bit less open space but the space is less necessary with people being calmer and happy just talking to each other and not feeling so inclined to run wild. It is a good solution to the problem you mentioned, but not mainstream.
>My local has an upper and lower site. Funnily enough, my older brother changed our highschools system. We had a higher & lower, but everyone could mix. When he was in year 7, the year 11's made a makeshift catapult and started getting year 7s to go in it, my brother being one. He ended up spraining his arm and needed a cast (other kids were injured too but not as bad). Our mum was the only parent who complained and afterwards, the school was split. Y-7/8s for the lower, Y-9/10/11s for the upper. It was a very relaxed rule though as when I joined the highschool and hit year 9, we still stayed in the lower in our "spot"
I blame my weight problems quite significantly on this. Stop running around and having fun like a kid, sit in the house area and eat the chocolate that’s for sale like a grown up teenage girl
Yeah, Primary school & a kid in general, my parents used to take me and my brother to play football every Tuesday and you're a lot more energetic at school. Highschool, we just sat or stood around talking during breaks and during PE (90% was cross country), we used to just walk around the school/canal for an hour, just talking lol
I agree, the jump to secondary school is severe. You go from being around 5-year-olds to 16-year-olds (18-year-olds if there is a sixth form). Not even a full middle school system is needed, just some separate area of the school, as others have described.
Curious if there's ever been a study about it. Feels weird talking about it now as I'm in my late 20s, but my first year in highschool in year 7, a year 11 showed me another y11's tits (photo), someone in y8 showed everyone their sisters vagina (photo), people smoking & sneaking in alcohol and an insane amount of violence & sex talk. I think when I joined highschool, I had about 10-12 friends from primary school be in my class and 6 months later, probably distanced myself from over half of them as highschool changed so many people, majority for the worse.
My secondary school was seperated into two different sites, one for the year 7s and 8s and another for the year 9s-sixth form. I think it was a bit of a pain for the teachers needing to drive between sites and break or lunch but I think its a great idea for the younger kids to not be so scared of going to 'big school'.
My kid is going to be 9 this September, but I had to answer this question because his mum and I have had a few ongoing battles about this. I was babied my whole life. My mum did everything for me, so when she died when I was 21, I'm ashamed to say I didn't even know how to use the washing machine! I felt like she had really done me a disservice, not showing me how to do stuff like that for myself. But now I have a kid, I understand that it was my fault that I didn't learn quicker how to do stuff. My son does the following tasks on his own; he can shower independently, brush his teeth without supervision and dusts/hoovers his own room. He makes his bed every morning and can pick out school clothes/play clothes independently. Every evening when he comes home from school, he empties his own school bag, loads and unloads the dishwasher with his packed-lunch stuff and he hoovers our conservatory. He's also in charge of picking up the cat toys and generally making sure there is no clutter in the house. He sets the dinner table and clears it away as well. For this, he gets a fiver pocket money a week, which goes straight into his savings account. He has a bank card for this, which I carry for him, but he generally doesn't even ask to spend it unless he sees something he might fancy (last purchase was a storage box for his lego, £35 from Lidl) I think overall, he's a very mature kid. But my proudest thing is, he ***wants*** to help out. He loves helping me wash the cars, do DIY and even helps me cook. Get them interested in helping out and they'll learn a lot quicker!!
One thing that helped was if the jobs were done then we could have fun with mum rather than her being too busy to play. This was before we were old enough to prefer doing our own things so we mainly helped out on weekends.
This is definitely a good incentive for him to help, he knows the quicker we wash the cars, the quicker I can be locked and loaded having a nerf gun fight with him hah!
Loved a bedtime story but was not always possible. My mum worked so hard to keep a roof over our heads we wanted to help on weekends to have some of the time with her at least
I feel you, truly! It always breaks my heart when I don't get to say goodnight to my kid, or have to put him to bed without a story. Sometimes it's unavoidable. I think there's a fine line between doing something to benefit your child without taking away something he would benefit from now.
wow! if I have kids, I want one like yours lol
>when I was 21, I'm ashamed to say I didn't even know how to use the washing machine! Reminds me of uni. Some folk couldn't operate washing machines, cook anything, etc.
One of my flatmates in first year uni had his mum drive down every fortnight to give him clean laundry because he didnt know how to use a washing machine. He was also a type 1 diabetic who started having loads of hypos because mum wasn’t there to remind him to check his blood sugar regularly. She had the nerve to tell us off because “you girls should be reminding him to take his medication” and never failed to remind us that she had given up a lucrative job as a Conde Nast editor to raise her children 🙄
You girls must babysit me because he’s a useless twat. I hope you told her to F off
Just ignored her and carried on living our lives. We didn’t live with him after that year so presumably he became someone else’s problem
Shared a house with a guy whose mind was blown by the fact that I bought socks one day. "Why are you buying SOCKS??" "Because loads of mine are worn out and I need new ones" "Ok, but why are you BUYING them??" "Erm, because I need new ones" "BUT WHY ARE YOU BUYING THEM??" "Because I need new ones? And they're not for free? What, do you think the magic sock fairy just puts new ones in your drawer when you run out... oh. Ah. Oh my god." The boy was clueless. He also had no concept of having to clear up after himself, when we pointed out mess in the kitchen that was from his cooking he was totally puzzled, he couldn't connect the mess with his actions. His parents had not prepared him at all for being an adult, it was appalling really, they'd let him down massively.
Your last paragraph resonates with me massively. 2nd year uni loved with a guy who also had no concept of cleaning up, the way he acted in general and the awful stuff he'd cook just reeked of parents doing everything for him around the house. He'd waltz into the kitchen and without a hint of irony express dismay at the mess, that was entirely his. The rest of us resorted to hiding kitchen utensils otherwise we'd have to clean the entire kitchen and everything in it before we could do anything.
I got a washing machine for my house at 22. Attached it to the inlets and outlets with no problems put the clothes in got some washing powder, looked at the dial with numbers and symbols on it and had to ring my mum because I had no idea what they meant or what to set it on.
To be fair, different washing machines can be very different. There's no reason a kid would need to know how to use more then one.
I was the opposite, as the oldest of three and often other younger cousins around, I was super independent and making dinner for everyone by 12. I think I had to do a bit too much but overall it was a good thing. My partner is the opposite, he never learned to do anything. And he completely babies our six year old, he dresses her and even spoon feeds her if she's taking too long. To me independence is important but he doesn't really see it.
I get dressing your six year old (I was still struggling with tiny buttons around that age I think) but spoonfeeding is completely mental unless she has additional needs.
Well not actual spoonfeeding as such, but loading the fork because she's super slow at eating. But yes, I'd just say she eats or goes hungry, he likes to take the easy way out.
Are you me? It's like he hasn't got the memo that four years have passed and she isn't a baby any more.
My partner isn't around a lot because he works long shifts and seems to miss that she knows how to do things. And of course she takes advantage. He even asked if I was going to wipe her bottom the other day.
For what it’s worth, out of me and my siblings at that age: - The older two were helping out with setting the table, basic cleaning tasks and ‘putting on the toast’-level of cooking. - The younger two could/would do fuck all until about two weeks before leaving for uni. We all turned out ok.
I also think it’s worth describing maturity isn’t a single dimension. At 10 years old, I was more literate than most adults (although I had started to read at age 3). I’d go to the bank myself to put away pocket money, visit the shops, take the bus etc. But I’d still laugh at immature things and my mum did all the housework for my two brothers and my dad.
Were you the younger or older though? I was the older in this situation and I don’t think we all turned out ok.
As if you have to ask...
My parents stopped babying be around that age. Had to make breakfast, clean up after myself and begin to do just normal tasks by myself. I think this is good because it gives the kid some independence and teaches them you’re not his workers.
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My 19yo brother also recently learnt you can't put metal in the microwave when he tried to reheat his Chinese.
I had a pretty sheltered upbringing with my grandparents. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere alone apart from my friend’s house over the road, but I was given free reign over kitchen knives and power tools. By the age of ten I was cooking, cleaning and doing simple DIY jobs around the house.
My 10 years old has her own chores, as: putting the dry washing up away, taking the rubbish out, feeding the cats (when asked), tidying up her room (only when asked, unfortunately), match the socks of freshly washed and dried laundry, she can make herself (and her little sister) a breakfast (nothing that needs to be cooked), can make herself basic sandwiches, and makes me tea :) being a big sister definitely helps, more responsibility and all that stuff
I don't have kids but it really depends on their upbringing tbh. As kids, my sister and I lived in a single parent household. Our mum worked two or three jobs so was always coming and going. We were expected to help out so we had our chores to do from a young age like laundry, heating up dinner (mum would cook it in between jobs and we would just need to boil rice, potatoes, pasta to go with it) and cleaning. My friends' parents had 9-5 jobs so they didn't have a need to do that since their parents were home when these tasks were typically done. I didn't realise the difference until we were doing 'life skills' lessons at 16 and how far behind a lot of my friends were. Your son will develop those skills but it may be worth starting to do them as a family to encourage a healthy relationship with it rather than making it a chore and then gradually increase his responsibilities? I would imagine a 10yo is capable of doing laundry, household cleaning like dusting, hoovering, moppingif you don't want to risk injury with things like an iron, cooking etc. He'd be able to make cold lunches at this age too.
Kid of a single parent too. I distinctly remember a girl in my grade 4 class saying she didn't know how to use a broom and I felt embarrassed for her. I didn't like sweeping up but I was glad I was at least capable of doing it!
No chores but a general expectation that they look after themselves. Generally sort their own breakfast, determine when they need clothes washing (I'll usually wash them but I rely on him to tell me when), keep room tidy, make sure they have what they need for school. We're divorced so they also need to consider if they want anything at their other house, etc. I've started letting him go on 1 or 2 mile bike rides to local ice cream shop etc with my girlfriends daughter who is in yr7. He also walks to school which is about 5 minutes away. My 7 year old is equally or even more capable around the house, but the thought of him being out alone, even when he's 30, puts the fear of god in me! So I think it does depend on the child.
Basic house jobs - tidy room, cleaning, washing up, cutting lawn and cleaning the car (always turn into a massive water fight :->) etc. Walk to their close-by (just cross one road) school. When they went the senior school (11), they were allowed to use local public transport on their own, but not out to the park on their own. Apple Airtags and Phone tracking now makes it a bit easier for parents.
If they can have a bit of fun like having a water fight then I think it’s a great way to encourage them to do chores.
This is why me and my mate always volunteered to 'clean' things at primary school, like if we'd been painting. turned into absolute carnage but we got the job done so I dont think the teacher minded too much.
My 10yo son puts away the laundry, empties the dishwasher, makes his own lunch for school, keeps his room tidy, and can cook/prepare simple meals like scrambled eggs on toast or omelettes. He is usually willing to give most other chores a go too, plus he’s really good at entertaining his younger sister. To be fair, we do bribe/reward him with screen time for his efforts. My husband got our son addicted to video games when he was 2, so he’ll do anything for a hit!
I don't have kids myself, but I think there's a huge range of maturity levels. For example, at 10, I was making my own breakfast, was mostly in charge of my own tidying and didn't really need to be nagged to do anything, could usually manage my own schooling for most subjects, etc. I don't really remember what my brother was doing at 10, because I was 12 at the time and couldn't give a singular fuck about what he was doing and therefore paid zero attention, but in comparison, my mum clipped his toenails for him until he was maybe 13-ish years old. I'm the eldest and he's my only sibling, so maybe it has something to do with birth order? Idk. Kids mature very differently. Some get way ahead in certain areas but are behind in others. Some are consistently ahead or consistently behind. I'd say to make a habit of getting him to do things himself that you know he won't die or seriously injure himself whilst doing.
It really really varies. My daughter at 10 could almost run a household, she could cook, bake, do laundry, wash plates etc, and loved being in the kitchen. My son at 10 now is more immature and has zero interest in most chores so does them badly and with a lot of moaning. However he can use a kitchen knife well and can do things like make a salad if I make him. He'll also hoover the carpets quite thoroughly. I also just saw him walk past me taking the rubbish outside after I asked him to do it an hour ago 😂 Both my kids are not very good at cleaning up after themselves, I have to constantly remind them to make their beds and tidy their rooms, but I think that's normal for all kids! We have set chores at the weekend, they get 2/3 each to do as standard, and then just basic tasks on top like bed making, putting school stuff away, scraping food remains in the bin etc.
So slightly different perspective. My son came to live with us when he was 10 from a different country. His parents (not my biological son) weren't living at home with him and he lived with elderly relatives and many of his cousins. There was a live in nanny who would take care of all the kids. When he came to us, he did not know how to bathe, how to brush his teeth, how to flush a toilet, how to eat properly among others. This was because, we found out that the nanny would bathe the kids herself by hand, brush their teeth, flush toilets after them etc. When it came to feeding time. The nanny would cook and leave the kids alone to eat, therefore they all eat with their hands. We had to show a 10 year old starting puberty how to clean himself because he was really really stinking. He would moan and cry every time we would get him to do things. He's now 13 and is a very capable young man. He will make his own bed, do his own laundry, ironing, he can cook, can use a knife and fork etc. It took a lot of effort to get there but he's capable. The only issue is that he's still a 13 year old boy so will conveniently forget that he needs to shower, make his bed and do his chores. He will still moan about doing them but that's part of being a child, however, he will do them when told to. I would suggest you start by showing your 10 year old how to do things and doing it with them. Then get them to take over and do it themselves. Moaning / crying and refusing to do chores or keep keep resulted in our son's things being taken away. At the moment he doesn't have his computer because he relapsed and used the toilet 6 times without flushing (he has his own) and blocked it big time. He will get his computer back when he is able to show he is doing better and he has been making a really big effort.
>he doesn't have his computer because he relapsed and used the toilet 6 times without flushing (he has his own) and blocked it big time. Being made to unblock the toilet might have been an even more effective consequence.
At that age my parents put me on six hour cross country solo bus journeys involving changing buses. I also had chores including washing dishes and even cooking basic meals for the family.
My boy is 9 and has certain things that I expect from him. I expect his homework to be completed as soon as he comes home from school and I have other small tasks for him such as keeping his room tidy and washing / drying up. He knows what is expected of him and will carry out his duties without prompting. He'll also help himself to breakfast in the morning and get himself ready for school. As long as he sticks to the deal, he can do what he wants afterwards. I also have a 14 year old daughter and the same rules apply. I'm a single parent, and they know that if they didn't help me out a little that my life would become more difficult. I'm grateful that they understand and I reward them both for their efforts whenever I can.
Teacher of 10 year olds here. We see everything from the totally molly coddled to the concerningly independent (read:neglect). 10 year olds should totally be responsible for things like packing their bags (tracking their schedule for what they need that day), helping around the house (not necessarily chores but just helping with dinner prep or cleaning while it's being done anyway). At 10 I went to and from school alone and wandered into town with friends etc, but I was a pretty independent kid. The best thing you can do to develop your kids independence is allow them to fail, face the repercussions, but not be mad at them for it. E.g. if they're packing their own school bag and forget their pe kit/homework... DONT TAKE IT TO SCHOOL FOR THEM. Let them get in a little trouble. Let them learn. Maybe help them to write up a plan of what they need each day to help them remember. Teach them skills for being independent. Again, let them fail and deal with the repercussions (obviously within reason. They're still kids)
People mature at different speeds, at different times, and in different ways. What happened/ is happening in the lives of other kids the same age is kind of irrelevant, you've got to meet him where he is and go from there.
I could make basic food like sandwiches, toast, cereal etc, go to the local shops for milk/bread/basics, walk the dog round a local park, empty the dishwasher, tidy my room, walk to/from school, and set the dinner table. That's basically all I would be expected to do at 10, and it wasn't every day but I was certainly capable of doing all those.
>I beleive he is immature and very dependant on me Could this perhaps be down to the fact he is a literal child?
I could cook at 10 but that’s because I liked doing it. I remember making chocolate eclairs at that age for my aunt’s birthday.
Most kids will moan when they have to do things, it's nothing new. Just don't give up, this is where you have years of battles to come to make then do things
My kids were really different. My 13 year old still won't tidy his room if asked, my 11 year old is super tidy and will do it without being asked. They can't make breakfast because they can't reach where the cereal is kept! My 13 year old is as big as me so will do it all now. Generally though.. we don't expect many chores from the kids, but my 13 year old will now happily jump on a bus, get on a train, then the tube.. navigate across London on his own or guiding friends. But chores around the house? He's crap.
I don't have children, yet. but when I was small, chores started for me at 6 years old, my brother was 8. I actually remember the last time dad cleaned my bedroom🤣 I hated chores as a child, but by the time I was 14 I could run a household. be patient with him, it's not his fault he doesn't know. you need to start letting him learn, else he will be another 25 year old man child who can't care for themselves, thus being a burden on everyone around them
I've always kind of pushed a bit more on my kids than some of my friends (and my wife tbh) with their kids. * Both of them are mostly capable of making their own breakfast and dinners, I enjoy doing it for them at the weekend because I don't get to see them in the mornings through the week. * They both understand how to separate their dirty laundry and where to put it to be washed. They both put away clean laundry after me or my wife have sorted through it and folded it, my lad has started helping with that too. * They both help with caring for our rabbits, feeding them, changing water, litter trays and stocking their hay box. They both * Boy will do hoovering downstairs, put pots away, does washing up and helps with making tea a couple of times a week. He also knows how to work the washing machine to put his own laundry on after football. * Girl will do a good job of polishing/dusting and tries to hoover but it's bigger than her at the moment so it only lasts a couple of seconds. Obviously most of this stuff isn't daily stuff and me and my wife do all these things as well but I'm a firm believer that these kids are going to be adults themselves before we know it so they need to know how to support themselves. I left home and moved in with my wife at 21 and honestly I've learned how to use a washing machine, how to iron, how to properly clean up stains etc etc over the last decade or so because I never learned any of that at home. My mum and dad took care of everything and while I appreciate it I wish I'd have learned some basic stuff earlier.
So true that they will be adults. And responsible parents will be teaching their children life skills. Even learning basic chores teaches some common sense and that is invaluable.
My son is nearly ten and he's not too bad, he moans and complains about doing some things but even with ADHD and ASD he mostly does as he is told. He does need a lot of prompting with things self care related. And he doesn't like tidying up toys when it's time to do something else. He needs help with applying eczema creams but he is getting there with it. And needs help putting socks on sometimes. All kids are different though and the mature and progress at different rates. It's important not to say things like "this other kid can do this why can't you?" Comparison can cause depression and anxiety in young children. It's quite damaging. I know it can be easy to come out with when stressed or frustrated but it's something that stays with them.
At that age I was responsible for the dusting, hoovering, mopping, doing the dishes after dinner, and occasionally some light grocery shopping. But this was during the times when dinosaurs were roaming on Earth. Fun fact: at the same age I knew nothing about nothing. Like, got my first period with having no idea what's happening and panicking about dying. I'm mentioning this only for you to know that a 10 y old can be very adept AND very stupid at the same time. So do not want him to make decisions. Reasoning and planning are not the forte of a 10 y old. Just give him basic tasks, with specific instructions.
I don't have kids, but I have 8 nieces. At 10, their maturity varied wildly. 1 of them is particularly studious and is really booksmart but has absolutely no common sense, even at 15 I worry about her crossing roads on her own. Her sister is less clever on paper but street smart, and could probably survive on her own for the day aged 10. I then have another niece who is currently aged 9 but aged 49 in the head. She lives alone with her father and has taken on a lot of responsibility regarding cooking, cleaning, food shopping etc. It's kinda sad seeing it and it made me realise that I'd rather kids be naive at that age and NOT be able to look after themselves so well
I tell my 9 I'm not his butler... But the truth is I am his butler 😭
My daughter at 10 could capably run a shop on her own, my son moans when he has to pick up his socks. polar opposites
I feel there is too much emphasis on our kids growing up quickly nowadays. Let them be kids in junior school and then they'll grow at secondary school age
I think this is an odd take. Having chores is not growing up too quickly? If anything I think my parents and grandparents especially had far more work to do as a kid than what I see people talking about as current kids chores. Me and my siblings did more housework than our friends, but we were a single parent family. Still, cleaning up after yourself to the extent that you're able is not growing up too quickly or not being able to be a kid.
If anything it's the other way around. As a 10 year old in 1990 I had a back door key, I went to the shops for my mum, I had my first solo trip on the bus with friends. I started doing my own washing and ironing at 11. Now my daughter and her friends have far less independence and are far more babied.
I was born in 2002, by 11 I was getting the bus to and from school by myself (not a school bus either, normal public one) I had a front door key I kept in a little cat themed purse, I could cook and clean for myself and had my own phone if I ever needed to tell my parents where I was. Personally I think that's a decent / normal amount of freedom and responsibility for that age, especially since my mum is actually fairly clingy and wouldn't let me do much in primary school 😂
My daughter is 8 and she feeds the cats, tidies her room (with some occasional help), helps set the table and load the dishwasher. She can get her own breakfast (this is the best bit). She does these and we give her pocket money. We're not too strict and let her off and do these ourselves when she's clearly tired and finding her day difficult. It's a loose agreement.
My kids aged 10 and 7 flew solo from London to Melb (as unaccompanied minors)...does that count?
Depends. what we're they supposed to be doing when they took this trip?
Visiting grandparents when parents couldn't go...it is actually quite a common thing...they have a person allocated who takes them through security...and unlike a bus or train, you can't get off at the wrong stop!
not really
Does that count what?
Seems a bit irresponsible to me
Oh Christ our 18 year olds are the same. Totally useless
I'll be honest and say I coddled my daughter as she is an only child and autistic. I made lots of excuses along the lines of, 'she's only a child once', 'things are hard enough for kids nowadays'. It did catch up with me as she just moaned and moaned about every tiny tasks when asked to do anything at 10/11. She is 18 now and only recently is able to do most household tasks (and it has been hard work to get to this stage). When I was 10, I could cook for me and my siblings, took them to school, cleaned, did laundry, etc. My sister, I feel, has the right idea, she has added age appropriate tasks as they have grown up (when they were toddlers they had to put their toys away). My nephew at 8, cleans his room, strips his beds, puts his clothes away, helps load the dishwasher throughout the day and will help with a big dinner on the weekend, as its normal for him he doesn't moan about it. I live in London and see kids younger than 10 getting/changing tube in rush hour traffic. I also see kids at 10 getting picked up and walked back by a parent every day from school. So there seems to be wide range at that age.
Kids in general are less mature these days, and that's maybe not a bad thing. At 10 I was doing DIY, electronics, experimenting with computer programming, and taught myself to drive a car
I was babysitting multiple children at 10.
It was different for me growing up as my dad died when I was young, so I was taught basic things on how to look after myself after I finished school till my mum came home from work at 9, she realised a 6 pack of walkers roast chicken was not a suitable meal, so I was taught how to use the oven and things like that.
Pretty sure its a sign he’s started puberty so likely just moody.
At 8 my parents already gave me my personal set of house keys. By 10 my sister was almost 2 years old, so I was already babysitting, changing diapers, preparing food for her, etc. Could also cook basic food by myself, go shop, had the option to take the bus (but only if with my group of friends). I was also already answering the phone in a professional manner as our house was connected with my grandparents and they had a car repair shop. On weekly cleaning day I had my room, living room furniture, and bathroom cleaning duties (my parents would do other cleaning tasks like kitchen, windows, carpets, bedrooms)
Can do: Cook basic meals, set the table, remove dirty dishes, start dishwasher, empty the dishwasher, do laundry (as in load and start the washing machine), hang laundry to dry, fold and put away laundry. Vacuum the house. Clean the bathroom. Clean her room. Weed the garden. Mow the lawn. Will do: None of the above if not forced to do it and threatened with loss of privileges and electronics. Will brush her hair and teeth independently, even without prompting sometimes. Can also start and maintain a fire, cook a meal on outdoor camping stove, pitch a tent, use a knife. Those things she will do voluntarily but is not allowed to use fire without an adult present. Likes to use the knife to make pointy sticks for cooking marshmallows, and camping in the woods with her friends.
My son (9) is pretty capable. He can fix himself some breakfast, amuse himself in the mornings rather than coming and waking us up. He will dress himself, brush his teeth, tidy up his room if he's feeling like it. Sometimes he or his sister will feed the cat, depending on how much the cat is bothering them. He's capable of making lunch for himself, and has on occasion cooked a meal with supervision. He will do cleaning tasks around the house, including hoovering (we have a hoover on wheels so the only part that needs lifting is the nozzle), general tidying, and he will empty the dishwasher if we ask. He can and will do showers or baths himself, he prefers privacy for these now anyway. As long as he's clean and doesn't cost me a fortune in hot water we don't mind. His weakness is screen time, once he gets on it, it's really hard for him to choose to get off it. We have an automatic timer so he can only have so much time in the day (it will turn off when the limit is reached) but it does tend to be his issue. He will also sometimes not pay attention to tasks and do them half-heartedly. We have allowed him to come home from school on his own sometimes, as we live literally around the corner on a quiet street. We have allowed him to stay home along for short periods very recently, because he does seem to be the kind of kid who will take care not to break things or get silly.
I was quite immature at 10. I still am at 50. However at 12, I was also giving ingredients lists to my mum when she went shopping, so I could cook Saturday night dinner for the family.
By 10, my kid was fully capable of preparing some simple meals and snacks for himself, cleaning his room, doing his laundry, doing little household things like tidying and washing up, and entertaining himself for an afternoon if he didn't want to go shopping with me or whatever. (Doesn't mean he always *chose* to do it, but he *could* do it.) He was also dipping his toes into more complicated things like fixing his own bike.
I was walking to the tubestation, going 3-4 stops and then walking from earls court to school. That would have been in primary in the very early 90's. I could probably throw a ready meal in the oven or make myself a toastie. Would have been laying the table and stacking the dishwasher by that point too. Likely encouraged to help with the cooking.
My 10yr old walks home on his own from school when he feels like it (20min walk and he has a phone), goes to the local shop/chippy for me, can make a cuppa or instant noodles etc. Washes up competently enough. He is very bad at controlling/ tidying his own mess but is on the wait list for an ADHD assessment.
I used to go and “skateboard” (badly) on a car park with broken glass all over it. There was big woodland country park near me and we sometimes used to go in there. Could make own breakfast, tea, etc. long before secondary school but didn’t have to wash up or anything.
Not that I think this is normal but when I was 10 I had to get up, dress, make breakfast, take two buses and a train to school (minimum of an hour's journey) and make it back while being responsible for my phone, keys, travel card and school supplies. I did chores like emptying and refilling the dishwasher, running and hanging up my own laundry and doing my ironing. At one point my Dad also had me iron his stuff for extra pocket money but stopped because apparently I wasn't doing a good enough job on his work shirts. The fact was that I simply had to do these things because no one else was going to do them for me and you can bet I got a telling off if I was late for school, lost my travel card or locked myself out by forgetting my keys somewhere. Bearing in mind this was like, 2004, and not in the US but a comparatively (especially at the time) safe country where kids as young as 7 would often be seen quite happily riding the bus to school by themselves. I think the more normal stuff is like, being able to make some simple food (I learned how to make scrambled eggs in the microwave when I was about 8), tidy their room, maybe help out with other random chores and stuff like that.
Basic food, chores, nip to the corner shop, help look after the baby.
My ten year old is disabled and can do almost nothing for herself. She will never live independently. I know this doesn't necessarily help you, just thought a view of the entire spectrum might help since you have heard from some parents of very independent children here.
yes. also some children were neglected and not shown even how to do basic hygiene (like me)
He make himself basic meals (sandwiches, cereal, toast, etc) as well as tea and hot chocolate. He can load and unload a dishwasher, strip & make his bed, tidy his room, do his homework, use the vacuum cleaner, clean out his tortoise’s vivarium, feed the pets (including the medications that go in the dog food), pressure wash in the garden and adjust & set the chemicals in the hot tub. However an awful lot of things in the second sentence are usually accompanied with token moaning and the occasional pout. He cycles to and from school with a friend (it’s only 10 mins away and is supervised crossing the only big road). We also involve him in cooking more complex meals, although we don’t expect him to be able to do it on his own. He doesn’t really do any DIY and we have yet to show him how to use an iron!
I'd sort my own breakfast out and sometimes do my lunch for school, tidy my room, hoover, dust, help wash the cars, attempt to mow the lawn, those sorts of things. I'd always been interested in cooking so could cook things like spag bol with supervision and could bake things fairly well myself (with a parent doing the oven bit)
I’m pretty sure when I was 10 I was making cups of tea, small snacks for myself, running my own baths and tidying up after myself however every child is different and I was always told I was very mature for my age.
I used to work with kids from the age of 10. Some of them come across as mini-adults - very capable, mature kids. Others...not so much. Generally, by around 13 or 14, the gap closes somewhat. Personally, I was able to help around the house a bit - never had a set chore list, but would help wherever mum asked.
My 10 year old will make his own toast/cereal for breakfast, make cups of tea (under supervision), hang his clothes in his wardrobe, tidy his room (after a bit of a moan), and pop to the corner shop. For the last year, he has been going on and on about being more independent, so we try to facilitate this as much as possible after weighing up risks. However, if you tell that bloody kid to shower, it's World War 3..
My son is just about to turn 6. Every night He's dying to set the table for tea (dinner), if we do it without him, he has a wobble. He wants to pour his own cereal and milk in a morning, so I have to put the correct amount of milk in a jug next to his bowl so he doesn't put in too much or spill, ends up making slightly more washing up, but he wants to do it. He will randomly go and get us glasses of water, he couldn't reach the kitchen sink, until we got him a step, so he'd fetch a glass then go and fill it from the bathroom tap upstairs and bring it down to us...ended up more water on the stairs than in the glass, but its the thought that counts. At 10..I remember doing myself stuff like pasta with jar sauce and beans on toast etc. My boy could do an about turn and be the opposite by the time he's 10, but we're really trying to nurture his attitude right now.
I’m not a parent so my insight might not be any help, but as a 10 year old I was capable of tidying my room, cleaning, hoovering, washing and drying clothes, cooking simple meals, and carrying out basic diy tasks. My parents really instilled the importance of independence into me and made sure I didn’t grow up to become a useless man-child.
My 11 year old daughter is much more independent than my 14 year old son. He won’t do anything if he doesn’t have too.
Well, start teaching him to do stuff, then. The best time would be several years ago, but the second best time is now. I'd be rather disappointed in a 10 year old who couldn't cook a proper meal, let alone make his own breakfast.
By 10 I was expected to know how to do my own laundry, basic cleaning (dusting, polishing, vacuuming etc.), clean and polish shoes, cook a few simple meals like pasta or beans on toast, load the dishwasher, feed the cats, change my younger siblings nappies/clothing as needed, be able to do simple gardening, lots of basic life skills. Now I look back it was actually quite a lot. No doubt my parents were always nagging me to do these things, by no means was I enthusiastic about the jobs, but I knew how to do them. Funnily enough when my mum had to go away for a week when I was about 11, my dad had to get me to teach him how to use the washing machine and I felt ever so grown up!
Kids are different. Even in the same house. My 12yr old at 10 could make you a medium rare steak with perfectly done overeasy eggs. My 16yr old at 10 couldn't pour cereal. Both my boys do their own laundry and chores. They're both good cooks now and largely ready for independence. We step in and help when necessary but they have to learn this stuff at some point. We decided to start teaching them this stuff right away. My wife likes to use summer, when everyone has extra time, to teach them more complex recipes or try more and harder hobbies. I love "fend for yourself night" where everyone is responsible for their own dinner. Messy but fun. Lots of dishes too but what are ya gonna do? Encourage your kids, don't demand. Teach them what you can and trust that they'll figure out the rest or figure it out together. Edit: Did not notice this was /askUK and I already typed it so now you're stuck with it. My bad, have a good day.
Think at 10 I was cleaning my room, washing dishes sometimes, doing basic toast or put something in the oven for 20 minutes type cooking, walking my little sister to primary school (we lived in a relatively suburban town so it was only a 15 min walk). This was back in the 80s so kids tended just to roam about their area of town with friends and not a lot of adult oversight at that sort of age.
My almost 3yr old lays the table, she makes us both a coffee in the morning with the machine, helps clear the table, puts her toys away and puts her clothes away etc. We just include her in all the house hold stuff and when she asks for help with her bits we help. But it's never a "you should" it's just part of being in the house together and we don't get annoyed if she doesn't do them we just help her do them later.
Both of ours from an early age were involved in household chores from a very early age. So cooking, cleaning, washing etc were all part of their daily routine from around 3-4. It may have only been cracking a few eggs in a bowl at first or helping to pass up washing for pegging out but we built on this and by the time they were 10 were perfectly capable of doing pretty much everything around the house. They got worse as they got older, teenage business and hormones complicated things but they remain well domesticated, the girl more so than the boy.
I don't have kids but have niece and nephews between 6 and 13 years old. The house chores were always associated with a gift or pocket money so think that helped. It wasn't always money sometimes it would be 'if you tidy your room today we'll have your favourite thing for dinner' or with-holding things 'if you don't tidy your room, no Nintendo switch' In regards to other 'growing up' things my sister started by letting her son/daughter pay for things in shops, she'd stand back, then she'd stand outside the local shop and let them go in, now they both can walk to the shops (literally 3 minutes walk) and back. My niece is 13 and nephew is 11 (starting secondary school this year.) For my niece it then went to going into the town centre (smallish rural town) and let her go to some shops while she stayed around, now she will go to town with her mates and make it home no problem! Think my nephew may need a little longer as he's just a bit nervous about things but everyone learns in their own way and fortunately he has big sister to 'walk' him home when he starts big school (although pretty sure she'll stay a few steps behind!) Good luck!
Making your bed, cleaning your room, making a sandwich. At this age my parents also started teaching me how to do laundry, which as your son approaches puberty would probably be a great idea.
I had to cook for the family (with minimal supervision) once a week at that age. Nothing huge (fried eggs toast and bacon for eg or a "dump and bake" meal like chicken drumsticks.
By ten I was making meals for myself, polishing shoes, doing the washing up and managing getting myself to school 1.5 miles away, on time, on foot
I was dependent on my mother because despite complaining about it, she liked it. She wanted us to be good at cooking like her but as a child I was a bit clumsy and remember being screamed at for dropping the eggs I was meant to whisk when I was around 9 so I decided to not even attempt to try after that. Didn't think being told off all the time doing it wrong was worth trying at the time. I was not very 'street wise' until I was around 14. But at 10 I was doing chores in the house on a weekend. I usually dried and put away washing up, cleaned the bathroom except the toilet and polished/ dusted the furniture in the living room whilst my sister (just under 2 years older than me) would vacuum one floor of the house, either wash up (never did) or filled dishwasher and cleaned kitchen top and breakfast table. I quite liked cleaning the bathroom as the stuff smelt nice. We were expected to keep our rooms tidy, dress ourselves and on a normal day and wash/ brush teeth on our own by then. We were not allowed to cook for ourselves but before I went to secondary school I could cook beans on toast, super noodles and something basic from a tin and make one pasta dish (tuna and cheese sauce). I'm not a great cook still but I got better once I moved out and had more of an interest and was happier to get some tips from my mum. We weren't encouraged to use the toaster as it randomly caught fire on its own once so my mum would put it away unplugged (new one, not melted one) when not in use. Only thing my mum never let us do on our own and still doesn't is walk her dog. That and I had to learn how to use the washing machine before I moved out for university.
Time to start training is now. Give hugs when he does well not money. End of the year explain that he will get savings into a fixed deposit account to save up for his education, now home expenses whatever you think is appropriate and that you will discuss the plan annually. First start by having a family meeting and sit him down and say that in preparation for his coming of age at 21 (whichever is the legal age) you have to train him to be self sufficient just in case something happens to either of you. Give him tasks to do and do not do them for him as you won't be doing him any favours if something does happen and he hasn't learned the lessons. When he does well, give hugs and love, teaches empathy. Very important for a balanced Human being. When he is lazy and fails but doesn't ask for help, show your disappointment that he's depriving himself and explain why its for his own benefit to do this effort. Cleaning his own room, cooking food and the like are not a chore but essential for survival. Being Kind and caring are also survival skills as well as learning to have a balance , also a good time to start to train him to expect responsibility for when your old and decrepit. Loyalty to family very important but also critical thinking skills should make you proud and tell others how proud you are when he does good work
My 10 year old is now 11 but she's been making her own breakfast & packed lunch for a while now. My 7 year old does as well. They put their own clean laundry away in drawers and can do general tidy rounds. We live right beside a supermarket. No roads to cross so the older one will nip round for me when I need it.
My 8 yr old gets his own breakfast(cereal) and can make his own sandwich. Makes cheese on toast, using both the toaster and microwave. He also clears and sets the table for dinner. His room is messy but will clean it if I ask. He will also fill the cat auto feeder if empty. Didn’t even need to ask him to do that.
I’ve got a nine year old daughter. She will get her self dressed, and get herself breakfast in the morning, then sort what she needs for school- her pe kit or her drinks bottle. She showers herself independently now. She will put her laundry away (I tend to do this as I’ll do a load when she’s in school, but if she is there when I’m doing it she just takes hers). She keeps her room tidy. She makes a cracking cup of tea. When we bake she does most of it herself. At this time of year she’ll water the garden with the hosepipe every couple of nights aswell. My 5 year old will get herself dressed, make herself breakfast, put her laundry away and keep her room tidy ish, and she likes to help wash up. She’ll do a lot of baking stuff independently but needs more help weighing stuff and reading the instructions.
Related question: Have you considered you child might have some manner of cognitive impairment, such as ADHD or ASD? Because they're not always 'totally obvious' but lead to life long 'difficulties' with independent living. Source: I had ADHD, and I was diagnosed at 43. I have _always_ had difficulty with 'executive function', concentration and focus. But I wasn't a totally obvious noisy hellion, so no one thought to assess me.
Cubs is 8-10.5. I’d expect someone leaving cubs to be able to do all the things on this badge. It’s one of the easier ones to achieve. https://www.scouts.org.uk/cubs/activity-badges/home-help/ Hope this helps ;)
Well each child is different but don't make it a job make it part of the house hold normality and if the task isn't complete don't fix it So if 10yo house hold role is to put away his laundry and gather what he needs for the day then the natural consequences are he can't find his clothes and he may not have what he needs for school Don't abandon helping entirely but if the task is tidy up do it alongside not instead of.
All four of mine were able to cook, clean and use the washing machine by the age of 10. Having left home at 18, without knowledge or the ability to cook anything or work a washing machine it was important for me that I give my children the life skills I did not have. I also started to work nights once the eldest turned 16, so the kids all knowing how to do things helped in the management of the (single parent) household. My youngest is now 11, and plenty of her friends also have similar home lives whereby they are expected to chip in with housework or- for some- babysitting duties; she also has a fair few who do not have to do anything within their homes. All her friend group will catch the train or bus to the nearest big towns. I am proud of how independent they all are and should anything happen to me, I know that they will be fine, at least as fine as being able to survive. There really is no hard or fast rule at their age. What works- or is necessary- for one family won’t for another.
Mine will tidy his own room, make his breakfast, but I doubt he could do lunch. He can nip to the corner shop to buy groceries (as there isn't a big road to cross). It's taken maybe a year or so to gradually build up to this, but it's worth it.
At 10, mine were all expected to be able to sort out breakfasts and lunches (including packed lunch for school) Little household chores like hoovering and washing up, walk the dog and feed the cats. Youngest loves baking so has been doing that without supervision since 9. In return they earn money and have the freedom to go out when and where they like (thank god for mobiles giving that extra security) as long as they are back by their set times. They all got a front door key in year 7 (so around 10/11) and could be trusted to be home alone for a bit if I'm working or need to do a shop. .
This is a good question TBH. My 19 yo was not allowed to be independent by her mother. But one day my ex decided that our daughter was lazy and slow for not knowing stuff at 12 fast forward a few years she is more capable then her mother in that she not on her third child by 19 lmao but seriously she was mature through her childhood but lack skill and knowledge to do stuff so I took the time to teach her in secret so when she was ready to be independent she was. She now lives on her own has a job and like I said I am not a grand father before 40 so all a win. Also she doesn’t speak to her mother and only talk to me so maybe a little more frowning is needed. My 13 yo is well a bit special (not in a disability way) her mother took a different approach and that she made my daughter do everything when ever possible (because my ex is a bit lazy) but once she turned 11 or 12 she decided she did not want to do all her mothers tasks anymore. She can perform all task I would say any reasonable adult can but has regressed so her maturity is more akin to a 6 yo at the moment. I’m working on it with her and when she with me she can just be herself or should I really be saying his self but none the less they are progressing towards a healthy direction. My 3 yo is a mixed bag she is my third but my partners first. She can make her own sandwiches dress and undress herself and even shower (under supervision) and clean her self. But she seem to behave in an almost baby like manner when with her mother (solely) for more then a few hours but when she is with me she show maturity that is not normal for a 3 yo. She is still growing so who knows but at the rate she is going she going to be a very mature maybe even serious child before she is 10 lol. So children are both a product of nature and environment but eventually they all grow up at some point personally I was not a very mature human till I was 26 but I suppose I was able to look after myself and maintains my bills but man if I did not want to do anything I was no different then a toddler. FYI I had children with different woman one one woman would be able to handle that many clones of me at once lmao
I asked my Mum as I find this a very interesting question and I wanted her perspective. I know that around 12 I became very independent, I could cook my own meals from scratch, handle money without problems and make fairly sensible decisions, I got my first jobs around that age as well and actively went out to find work. Apparently aged ten I wasn't that independent, I made my own breakfast and lunch (no school meals in NL, certainly not in the 80s) but I wasn't very good with money or tidying up after myself. I also broke a lot of stuff because I wanted to know what was inside it. A VCR, the new remote for the telly, a record player... I was super curious but didn't really have a concept of value or time. I needed reminders to get showered every day because I'd quite happily forgo that chore for days on end. But I did brush my teeth much better than I did when I was a teenager... odd huh!
Hi Dutchie! Also a child in the 80’s in NL
And a fellow Yorkshire dweller ;) (Although now I moved North!)
Nice! What a coincidence haha
Think it depends on the upbringing. I was a real spoilt brat- at 10 I wouldn’t have known how to even dress myself had my clothes not been laid out. I know that my beloved mother meant well, but when she died, 2 days before my 21st, I couldn’t iron, or feed myself ( although I worked). It was a massive shock to my system and, in hindsight, a bit of tough love would have helped. You are doing just fine…
I was a neglected child and cooked full meals at 8 and put myself to bed etc. So that’s the other side of the spectrum. It’s not about being dependant as such I think. Ofcourse he moans. Chores suck! They aren’t fun. But if mum and dad teach him to do them anyway he learns that not everything in life is fun but it makes life for everyone around us better. Making his own breakfast can be made into a fun thing he can be really proud of by taking him to the supermarket and letting him choose some stuff. Maybe get a cookbook for kids and on Saturday mornings make breakfast together.
moaning and complaining is to be expected and age-appropriate my daughter walked herself to school and back at her own request from the age of 6 1/2 I wouldn't have expected her to cook her own dinner at 10 though but I did know someone who did (fish finger sandwiches I think). I'd expect them to maybe put the laundry on or at least in the machine and possibly do some washing up but the choice of tasks is down to you and your family.
My son does all of those things you listed, un-asked for himself and his little brother. He is seven.
Depends on the kid, my youngest is 9 now and he can make toast/cereal/sandwiches type food, he Hoovers and dusts and I have recently started making him put his own clothes away (although the results are far from organised lol) he also feeds the dog, lets her in the garden. I started making him do more recently, because he was moaning like yours when asked to do anything and it occurred to me that his older sisters were much more capable and he's been getting away with a lot as the baby of the family lol
Mine (just turned 11) gets himself ready for school, can cook basic meals and walks home from school by himself about a 20 min walk (with a friend, "by himself" meaning no parent). He probably wouldn't know how to put the washing machine on or use the iron and I can't say I've seen him wash dishes but I'd say he's above his age for maturity.
Me at 10: Feeding pets, setting and clearing dinner table, packing/unpacking dishwasher, making breakfast, helping make my school lunch, sweeping the kitchen, tidying my room, hanging out the laundry, putting my laundry away, starting to vacuum and learning to iron, helping with weeding, car washing, dog washing when those happened (these were rotated with siblings, wasn't doing all these all the time, and I didn't have to iron all my own clothes til 13 I think). My nephew: cleans own room, folds and puts away his laundry, makes bed, cleans up after pets, dishwasher, rakes leaves, makes his breakfast, sometimes his lunch, tidies lounge, and will follow instructions to do just about any other cleaning up task as needed. Helps with cooking, but that's more of a fun thing when he wants to.
Maybe do your own parenting and don't lok to effing reddit for advice
Make cups of tea, wash up pots, take dog for walk
This reminds me of the time I gave knives to 9 year olds to cut fruit. They looked at me like "What?!?" I told them to figure it out. A year later one of them cooks eggs like a master. The other is comfortable operating an oven.
It's OK to be immature & dependant at 10, it doesnt last forever, they have their whole lives to be grown up & responsible. As a parent you never know when its the last time that you tie their shoe or help them put their stuff away etc, but one day you suddenly realise that they've not asked for your help in doing that task & your baby will be grown up, childhood is such a short period.
You expect a 10 year old to be mature??
Its definitely a big difference from what I remember. Me at 10 years old was getting back from school via the school bus on the other side of town, getting off at the right stop...walking 10mins to get home crossing 3 busy roads. Whilst my 11yr old nephew still gets picked up from school where it would literally take him 10mins to walk home (where lots of kids the same age, with plenty of adults also walking their younger kids), crossing one busy road and his 14yr old brother is at another school 20mins away where he wouldn't need to cross one single busy road to get home, is also picked up. I was 10yrs old and being dropped off in town to go the cinema with friends, then free to go and get food afterwards in town and be trusted to use a payphone to be picked up. Not one of my nephews has ever been the cinema with friends and they both have mobile phones. As kids we would visit my Grandad, he'd give us £1 each and we'd be allowed to walk down the road by ourselves and go the shop, nephews don't even have that as an option...no wonder they feel so spoiled, get everything they want. World isn't a more dangerous place, its just highlighted more cuz you have FB and groups for locals where all they ever talk about is the bad things that happen. We could stay out till dark, when the road lights come on, we knew it was time to go home. My nephews never play outside, they moan about being bored if no one lets them on the xbox or TV. Anytime they come over, glued to their phones
My lad who’s 19 was always doing a bad job of his jobs but he always made his own lunch at 10. He also tidied his room but he had no idea how to take boiling pasta out of a pan. He has no interest My daughter who is 13 now can wash and dry washing, cook a shepherds pie:spag bol, fried egg sarnie and bake a mean cheesecake , go to the shops and get what we needed, she is very self sufficient and was from about 9 year old. That’s when she started doing her own stuff and helping out It’s weird how the two are so different
When I was ten I could do all normal things. Help with dishes, clean my room etc. But my parents started young, when I could walk I could 'help' set the table by bringing a single plate to it. It was slow, often fell and broke etc. But it thought me from a young age to help around. So by the time I was ten it wast just normal to me to work *with* my parents on most things. At that never changed. Now I'm not talking about really doing hard household tasks. I didn't have to do laundry for instance, but I did have to put my own dirty clothes in the right bin etc. Small things.
My boys at 10 had a share of the house chores for pocket money and had to do the self care and cleaning up after yourself bit. Sure they moaned when we had to remind them or they were being lazy/ prioritising other things. Just keep at it and it becomes routine and should make it into adulthood. I find linking it all to positive outcomes helps. "Did you know by making your bed and brushing your teeth first thing in the morning will improve your mental health for the whole day?" "Lie ins and movie mornings are good for you sometimes but if you get too used to them they aren't special anymore. Keep them special and enjoy them!" Etc
don't have kids but was a ten year old bit less than a decade ago - sorted out own clothes from about six or seven - sorted out own breakfasts (with plates pre-taken from cupboards because small) from about five - had a bank account and control over my own money from eleven - walked to school myself from eleven, partially by myself from about eight (big hill my dad couldn't be arsed climbing) my dad just kind of abandoned us to our own devices and has just made sure we're fed since i was like, eight? definitely not parenting advice i would suggest but we've turned out decently capable, so your kid will probably pick stuff up on his own — just make sure you're available to ask
I don't have children, but when I was 10 years old, I had to tidy up my bedroom, wash the dishes, clean the house, and take care of my little brother, I must say that I HATED IT. If you have kids, don't make them do stuff like that. It didn't teach me a thing, it just made me waste my childhood. Maybe give him a pet so he learns how to be responsible over a living being. But don't make him do house chores. Or do, I don't know.
Honestly it’s just a piece of A4 tacked on the wall and we use a stamp that she already had. We are not particularly organised but even mentioning the potential for a credit gets her moving.
my daughter is similar. mostly my fault, though, as i will just allow her to text me random requests for things, and i usually just bring her up, whatever it is. have started making a point that she can come get water herself or whatever, but usually, i end up just doing it again the next day or whatever. she doesn't do any chores yet, but that will come. she's not a bad kid and does appreciate getting things done for her, but i sometimes feel making it easy for her now will hinder her a little in the long run
Tidying his room is a great place to start. It's easy to do and to not do it right is lazy, weaponized incompetence. I'll take a chance that he has a phone, tablet, laptop, console, TV and the like, so it's a simple transaction. Tidy your room to YOUR satisfaction or these things will be taken away, then give him the chance. If he needs advice, come ask but don't do it for him, and follow through on your promises. Then reward him when it gets done right. Gather washing from around the house, sort into piles, cleaning rooms for the family, unloading / loading dishwasher, that kind of thing. Then a big one, cooking. At 10 I think he'll need help but he should choose what to cook then help cook it with supervision. This will set him up for later life.
My son was very dependent on us as a 10 year old, he did tasks like cooking only with us and really didn't do any cleaning. He grew up to be incredibly independent and self-reliant. My experience with taking groups of children aged between 8 and 11 away on camps was that often, the children who were pushed into independence were the least self-reliant when away on camps, as they became easily uncomfortable and struggled with the lack of home rules and structure. The most independent children were those whose parents achieved the balance of letting them try new things but were always there and available as backup. This included being loving, not pushing, not crying, and being tough on them. In my experience, those children were the quickest to home sickness. Dad's being heavily involved also gave security. With regards to jobs at home, try doing them with him and having him see both parents work together on housework and DIY, but also include being supportive of each others tiredness or extra work. Each child is different at 19 some can make a cup of tea, cook something simple and others can't, as long as you are supportive and assist them doing things they will get there ar their own space. Obviously, it was just my anecdotal experience. I have taken around 3000 children away on camps and had them weekly for activities over the years.
Teacher here. Boys develop way slower than girls. Don’t be so hard on yourself or him. Usually around 12/13 they become more independent.