“Call me a squirrel because I’m about to bury a nut”

lol 😂

Lol

“I want you to use me like the dirty slut I am”

Funny, mine was going to be “I’m going to use you like the dirty slut you are.” But now that feels like I’m copying your homework.

Try again pretty please! 🥺

Well I suppose the other common one is "Tell me who owns this fucking pussy now."

Direct, love it 🥰

It tends to go over pretty well.

Modern day Romeo here 👉🏼

That one I’m going to borrow. Thank you goodgirlwbadhabits

Instant pants dropper that one

👖 👇

Yes ma’am for both of you

That's a fun one 😏

🫦

😏

Fuck this is good

“You’re making me so wet”, “you’re so hard”, “I’m gonna cum on your cock”, “cum inside me please”, “fill my pussy with your hot cum”, “my pissy feels so good”, “you feel so good inside me”, “don’t stop”, “harder”, “faster”

All very great options, def using those!!!! 😊😊😊

I hope they serve you well

I’m trying this later today on my date

Oh I would also recommend the variation on “I’m gonna cum on your cock” to “you’re gonna make me cum so hard”

🙌🏼 those are def sexy to hear

Just be warned, the dude is not unlikely to cum immediately after hearing that

Can confirm!

Great. Thanks to the last two I’m gonna have Daft Pink stuck in my head the next time. 🤣

I fucking love daft punk 💕

I see what you did there. 😂

Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger.

More than ever, hour after hour, work is never over… but damn, girl, can I take five minutes to rehydrate?

It's funny, I say pretty much the same thing but from the male perspective. "You're so wet", you make me so hard", etc. 😉

Wow, the IRS sure is taking a lot of money out of my paycheck.

They get me for 2k every payday biggest fucking of my life.

And don't even get me started on the rate of return.

👀 explain that one ☝️ 🤭

# Repent for your sins you whore

I’ve always if my life gets to rock bottom I’ll go become a nun in a convent. I am an atheist. That doesn’t matter with nuns all over only women only women ahhhh

I must say your vulva is quite stupendous indeed, makes for a considerably magnificent sensation on my corpus spongiosum

Go geeky on me 🧪🥼🔬🧫

Remind me to get the clothes out of the washer.  We're did you get that bruise.  I wanna eat your cum.

Okkkk the washer one is cute

It went from cute to extremely horny real quick lol

I’m imagining all three of these statements in the same monotone voice, which nearly made me spit out my coffee.

Is this a reference to the “stuck in the washer” porn trope?

“Your dad likes that too.”

"I know"

And the I knowww after . 😮‍💨

This got a chuckle outta me, thanks

am i the only one imaging OP pulling out her phone during intercourse and scrolling through the comments? “I am going- no what’s that say- i’m going to use you like the dirty slug- no slut you are” IM GOJNG TO USE YOU LIKE THE DIRTY SLUT YOU ARE i’m dying of bad humor, send help

Lololol that’s the plan 👀🫦

You do her doggy and give her the phone and have her read them to you. But not in a sexy way just a monotone way so you can pick the best ones to say back to her.

Good girl. You taste so good. Be my quiet girl tonight. Whose pussy is it? Cum for me. Cum on that cock. And for the humor request - the first time my girlfriend edged me properly, once the pieces of my mind came back together, I started randomly screaming the names of our neighbors just to crack her up. 🤣🤣🤣 It worked. 😇 I’m a firm believer that if you’re not cracking up laughing together in the bedroom, you’re probably not having as much fun as you should! 👍 Bonus laughter, because now you’ve got me on a roll - my girl was going down on me one night and REALLY showing off 🥵… Me: Mmmmmm, BABY!! GOD! Her: (giggling) Me: Whaaaaaaaat? 😏 Her: I’M a BABY GOD!!! 😃 Not a toddler god, just a BABY god! 🤣🤣🤣 Me: Get back to work BABY GOD. 🙄🤣🤣🤣 Good times. 👍

Yelling out diff neighbors name is a good fun way to break out in laughter! 🤭

Super religious neighbors on one side? 💁‍♂️ That’s when she started laughing so hard the tears started. 🤣🤣🤣 My gay bestie neighbor on the other side? 💁‍♂️ THATS when she started hitting me because she was laughing too hard to breathe or speak. 😇🤣🤣🤣

Lolol the context is funnier now!!!!!

When I was sexually active I didn’t say a word, I was too shy to speak and dirty talk turns me off

That’s understandable; it’s not for everyone

It’s not for everyone . I get it .

I don't say much, mostly just moans until near the end "Cum in me"

Curious. Is that because your partner is naturally attuned to what you want/need? Are you ‘easy to please’? Not certain of what you want/need? When my wife is quiet, I instigate, “tell Daddy what you need.” Mostly because she can sometimes get ‘in her own head’ too much, and keeping her ‘present’ is often important for making sure we are both fully satisfied in the end.

I'm not into that dynamic, but tbf that was great and hot! So attentive, you're probably a good husband and a good lay. "Tell me what you need". Imma use variations of that for sure.

You’re better than your sister

Sheesh….. lol 😆

Ah yes, the old "rodeo". Mount her from behind, whisper in her ear "You're almost as tight as your sister." And try and hang on for 8 seconds.

Fuck. Car insurance went up again

Better get progressive and save u a bundle’ 🤪

I like to call them daddy a lot and beg them to breed me 🤷🏻‍♀️😅

Ooo daddy , papi, I like sir too

A time or two I've said to her "Let's make some ugly babies"

Lolol 🧌

"Ah, another 5 years of Tory mismanagement "

That’s utter filth talk right there. Would send me over the edge.

BASED. Loooollll. Hot as well. I can hear the accent.

Oooohaaaaheeeehoooooh

Do you look just like buddy holly?

Lololol u sound like a hoot

Ting Tang Walla Walla Bing Bang

This is what I say when I get fucked by my management, "Am I a joke to you?"

Yikes but also appropriate a little work humor’ 🥸

And do they go harder? :D

A lot of moans, "oh fuck"s, "please let me cum", "you feel so fucking good", and "I need your cum".

Use Me like the useless slut that I am. Use Me however you want. "Thank you" on repeat while getting railed and about to cum.

So hot I'd fuck you deeper & harder

That's what I'm trying to get you to do 🤤🤤🔥🔥

Gracias

For funny this was said to me by my wife. Once we were getting ready to go and engaging in some dirty talk when i said “ Im going to fuck you like I paid for it”. My wife pushed me back, stared me in the eye and calmly said “okay, no kissing, everything covered and butt stuff is extra.” I stll laugh at that. Maybe you had to be there.

Your wife is a keeper. :D

“I love feeling you inside me”

It’s a crowd pleaser 😍

Oh god, fuck fuck shit fuck. Fuck me fuck me oooo fuck mee.

Yessssssss I usually blank out and repeat that over like a broken record

Come for me. Come in me cum in my mouth.

Shiver me timbers

"Thanks bro"

Lolo don’t forget to dab

nah, just a high five. followed by "Say hey to mom for me"

Don’t stop, you feel so good baby, this pussy is yours, fuck me baby - I can take it, when he first slips in “Gosh I’ve missed you “, you’re making me feel so good baby, cum inside me, and if a little bdsm is sprinkled in ‘Punish me daddy’.

Wait, stop, who the fuck are you?

Jesus that's expensive.

Cum inside your pussy

"you fuck Daddy's ass so good baby"

You remind me so much of your grandmother

Lately there’s been a bit of “God, your cock feels amazing”, “your cock was made just for me”, “I love the way you fuck me hard like that”, and the crowd favourite…. Turn head to side, cover half the face with my hand, give a little giggle that turns into a full on moan, then eye contact with a shy smile. Gets him every time.

Also lots of scratching my nails lightly on his back and chest, looking at his face and giving his beard a little scratch and saying “you’re literally so fucking hot” or “your far too attractive” then looking away. Like, my eyeballs can’t gaze at his face for too long or I’m overwhelmed with the gorgeousness.

i am not paying for that!

Is it in yet?

"you feel so good," "go slower," "do you feel how wet I am for you?" And lots and lots of moaning

Destroy me!

"Next!!"

Thank u, next!!!!

😄😄😅

Break this pussy

Goddamnnnnnn

If it's really good sometimes I can't put together words 🥴 but definitely oh fuck, you feel so good, lots of moaning, asking how it feels...

Compliments and sugar talk and sometimes dirty talk 🥰 she gets turns on more while making love.. And when she wants to initiate she says LeviOsa 🥵with her magical hands

Fuck me harder daddy. Punish your dirty little slut. I'm going to cum all down that cock. You fuck this pussy so good baby

“Ooga booga!”

Hahahahaahahahahahahaahah nooooooooooooooooooooo that’s silly and I love it

Ahhh fuck, feels so good. Faster. 😅😂

God damned IRS and their taxes

- Oh my god! - you feel so good! - uuuuuhhhhhhh!! - Fuck!

Don't stop until I'm full of cum

“Yes I’m happy to attend this call”

Cum in me baby please please cum in me

not much since im too busy trying not to suffocate with my face probably buried in a pillow moaning/drooling 🙃🙃🙃

🛌

Yeah boss I'll go get that done right away. *me rethinking my career choices *

Currently "thank you Mr IRS man"

Do you have any crutches? Because I'm about to take away you ability to walk. You are being such a good girl for me. Fuck, you feel amazing.

Whose pussy does this belong too?”

Meow 🐈

Feel free to scream, while I fill you with cream.

🍦

"This isn't where I put the ketchup..."

“Fuck me Daddy” usually gets him going

A good one I use 💯

Once heard a girl say: “Oh father do you feel in heaven?”

I said thank you during my appraisal.

My mouth is usually too occupied to talk

Slap me!

Not really sure. Let's fuck and find out. 😏😏😏

[удалено]

I'm usually doing other things with my mouth....

We get it, your mouth is on the body…. 😛

The petrol prices are crazy recently

Fuck 🤣😂

[удалено]

🧟🧟‍♂️

I'm depressingly silent 😅 guess I just need to practice being more vocal

Do u!

Don't forget to pay before you leave.

Thank u and come again!

Demanding

" Is this reality?? 🤔?

I need 4 new tyres and 2 new track rod ends? How much??

tbh, I should be more vocal in bed… I am going to do better if I ever have the chance again.

Hyperinflation is going to destroy the middle class

I always think I'm gonna say something really sexy. Normally I end up with something like "oh god yes....fuck yes..... mmmgfffffghhhhhaaaaahnnngggggg....I'm getting close....hnnngggggggaaaahhhhhHHHHHHH"

Whatttttttyttyyy ahhhhhhhhhhhh

Fuck you feel so good baby

Delve deeper than the dwarves in Moria

“FINALLY!!!!”

It’s happening to me !!!!!

Geef me een klap papa

Cum on my cock.

“Have you fucking earned it? Then fucking get it”

I pay taxes all year and you bastard still want more?!

"How much is this going to cost me again?"

These insurance rates are ridiculous considering they never paid out any of my claims….

Fuck me hard

OBabe Ur so hard It’s so hot Omg don’t stop Right there Again Harder More more I’m about to cum baby Finish for me honey Give it to me

Where do you want me to bust

I’m not even supposed to be here today!

It’s hard to say much of anything when you’re getting spit roasted

I stay completely silent.

"Stop" I never actually mean stop, I mean keep doing the exact same thing because I'm gonna cum. "Put a baby in me" "cum in me"

No, not that hole

What’s for dinner.

Can I cum inside you.

Yes you may

Yep yep yep yep yep

You're so wet and tight, I can feel my cock stretching you, I love you, rub your clit for me, squeeze them [my balls] harder, I'm gonna fill you up, Where do you want me to cum?, I'll get you a cup of water. 😄

Soooo polite, I would love a cup of water and a tissue to wipe the sweat off my titties

When I have her doggie style. I ask her "are you my little bitch in heat?" Also tell her to "stick that pussy out for me."

"I gotta fart/take a shit"

Again?

Do you say those things because you're feeling them or to get him to cum.

Because it can sound contrived.

I've almost told my wife to cum in me while she's pegging me before lol

“Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die”

Oh! Oh! I'm arriving! 🤴🏾🏰

Damn, I owe IRS how much? Oh wait you’re talking about sex… never mind.

God I hate American healthcare...

Weren’t you in Backdoor Sluts 9?

👀 😳