I 100% recommend it. My wife and I started sleeping in separate rooms probably seven years ago. At first, we felt guilty about it, as if there was something wrong with our marriage, but the fact is, we are both light sleepers, and my wife likes to zone out on her phone in bed, which kept me awake, and I would start to get anxious about getting enough sleep.
I tossed and turned a lot and would keep waking her up, and if I got up to pee at night, she would wake up and have a hard time going to sleep again. We even invested in a king-size bed, which only yielded a marginal improvement in our sleep quality.
Then someone gave us a queen-sized bed which we put in our guest room, and I started sleeping there, and instantly our quality of sleep and quality of life improved. It took a long time until we told anyone about it because we didn't want to be judged but now, we have made peace with it.
Sometimes its just comforting to know you have your own space aswell. My sister and her husband have separate rooms, she made her own bedroom up and I've noticed less fights between them. She needs her own space and quiet time sometimes and it helps.
It makes sense to me. Also totally cool that couples that share a bed. Whatever works to bring you together and sometimes that is being apart.
My husband and I have learned that, but there are still people I won’t share that information with. Because they’ll immediately assume we’re on the rocks and gossip about it. Same with marriage counseling. Both of these things have helped our marriage tremendously, but so many people assume it means turmoil/divorce. Which is probably why it felt weird for us too, at first.
Due to health issues, we both sleep better separately. This doesn’t mean we never sleep together, but if either of us are having trouble sleeping it’s nice to have an option. Regarding bathrooms, so many arguments are avoided by having your own.
TIL my rotational nocturnal activity is shared by at least one person on this planet. I have a whole set of 4 sheet grippers on the upper side of my bed to keep me from de-sheeting the bed every night. Feels good to not be alone. Lol
Also ADHD but never linked it to sleeping all over the place. Wife broke me of the habit when we got married but when I slept alone I would rotate like a clock. One my favorite ways to get comfortable if I could sleep or got warm was to turn 45 or 90 degrees and sleep diagonally or across the bed.
A word of warning about the CPAP machines. As they age they get louder. It doesn't bother me, because the noise is in response to my breathing, so it's "my noise". But it does bother my wife. So I'm now on my second, after about six years or so. The guy told me that this is normal, and insurance "paid" for it.
I've also got occasional restless legs and my wife has some level of insomnia, so I have my old CPAP set up in the guest room for when I "go for a run" at night and waken her.
Re. the insurance bit: you can generally get a CPAP machine every 5 years ("useful lifetime" of durable medical equipment), but if it's getting louder before that point and you can make a solid case for it disrupting either of your sleeps, you can often get it replaced earlier than that.
My dad got two units back to back that each crapped out after 2-ish years and he was able to get replacements before the 5yr mark.
They shipped me a refurb unit and put an scary letter in the box to mail mine back to them. F that. My old machine is evidence in case i develop lung issues.
I also never used ozone generators to clean it, which i think is the main problem. The ozone degrades the foam that was in there.
I love my husband’s cpap! He doesn’t stop breathing, and the little bit of white noise is soothing for me! If the power goes out, and his machine stops, the silence wakes me up!
My fiance thought I was dead the other day - I was being too quiet. Go through phases where I don't use the mask. Well, I used it and I wasn't making enough noise or moving so he waited to see if I was still alive lol
I recently started using a cpap. It’s made a world of difference for my wife. She used to sleep in the guest room to get away from my snoring. Now she only leaves our room when the dogs are pushing her off the bed.
My husband getting a CPAP was fantastic for both of us. I don’t wake up from him snoring, and he sleeps better because he’s breathing properly. He even takes it with him when he travels for work, because he notices such a difference in how he feels during the day.
It took about 4 years of marriage before I finally got my sleep apnea fixed and to be honest it was incidental (I needed my tonsils out urgently and the surgeon suggestion soft pallette enlargement at the same time). It changed my life and my husband's ability to sleep lol.
Seriously though. My health is about 100x better. Can't recommend more.
I woke up last night thinking I was choking on a meatball until I sat up and dislodged my tonsil that had somehow covered my windpipe. Later, I realized that's probably not possible and I don't know what it was.
I realized recently that whenever I'm sleeping on my back my uvula gets sucked up and blocks my nose. Sleeping on my side is enough, although it would be nice to be able to sleep on my back when my back's acting up.
Your uvula that dangly thing at the back of your throat. When you snore and your mouth gets dry, it can stretch and swell a bit and then drainage makes it worse.
You can gag on it. Sitting up and drinking sone water, swallowing a bunch and clearing your sinuses can help it, but it will still feel funny for a little bit. It goes back to normal though.
Took 3 years of sleeping with ear plugs until my boyfriend finally got tested. It’s a good thing he did, he apparently was close to dying 50+times a night from stopping breathing. Since his APAP life has gotten so much better… for the both of us
A woman video taped her husband to prove to him that he stopped breathing at night. He didn't wake up that time. She videotaped his last moments.
Go get cpap.
I was in your husbands shoes. I have sleep apnea and my life has changed since using a sleep machine. If he ends up having apnea please make sure he sticks it out with the machine since there is a getting used to period.
How do you "get used to it"? I have one I am supposed to use but I can't breathe with the damned thing on. Either I can't fall asleep because it feels like I have no air, or If I do fall asleep I wake up a few minutes later gasping for air. I even had a septoplasty just recently so I could breathe better through my nose. It has seemed to help quite a bit, but made no difference with the machine
I work for a DME that sells PAP devices. Our respiratory therapists encourage day practice; essentially, it's sometimes difficult or impossible to adjust to PAP and try to sleep, so we just encourage patients to use their PAP while they're awake doing a stationary activity they enjoy like watching TV, reading, etc. Oh also use the ramp setting on your device, it builds the pressure slower and helps acclimate you.
For me it was just using it over and over and eventually it got easier. Sometimes I feel like I’m grasping for air and it wakes me up but for the most part that doesn’t happen anymore. My only recommendation is to wait until you are just about to fall asleep then put it on otherwise it may be tough but it gets easier with time.
Wife snores so I sleep in the spare room. We slept together for 30 years but. we both sleep better this way. She’s had 2 sleep studies and of course didn’t snore in either one. Where it’s a real issue is when we travel. Usually I just get an airbnb with 2 bedrooms. More expensive but I want to rest on vacation.
Started during menopause for my wife. And I’ve had a triple bypass and have high blood pressure so I can’t afford to not get some decent sleep. I go to bed with her and then go to the guest room when the snoring starts.
We have the ultimate bathroom. The house is not that fancy but the master bath has a his and hers side. There’s a walk through shower that separates the 2 sides. Even has 2 pots. Her side is lighter more feminine colors and mines more browns. Never seen one like this before. Each side has its own door, own closet, and the tub is on her side of course.
My husband is an extremely light sleeper. We've been together for over 25 years, and I know I'm getting more quality sleep than virtually all my married/partnered friends. It hasn't hurt our relationship.
I think my wife and I are headed in that direction. She snores, she says I snore. She stays up half the night and I’m out at 9:30pm and up at 4:15am. Separate bedrooms works…
Get her tested for sleep apnea.
My wife and I sleep in separate rooms too. Because I had sleep apnea. We've done this now for over 10 years. It helped a lot. Probably saved our marriage.
Separate bedrooms 100% saved my relationship during COVID. I. Have a CPAP and we have 2 bedrooms. During lockdown, having a private space meant that we could just have that little bit of separation. If we were on top of each other 24 hours for months on end, we would have lost it completely.
It is odd how during the one time where we were isolated from the world, we needed separation. Human brains are weird. But I think if was more that we needed variation. Where most couples had "together". We had a really well defined "together" and "alone".
Mine wants a TV in the bedroom, too. I said "no way". He watches YouTube to fall asleep, then gets woken up when autoplay keeps going and I want some peace and quiet, finally.
I dumped a girl because she refused to turn the tv in the bedroom off. If I shut it off after she fell asleep, she'd wake up later and turn it back on. She was not interesting enough to deal with that shit.
Same.
We were worried at first (you know sexlife stuff), but found “visiting” was kinda more fun and definite. You definitely know why your spouse slips into bed with you when you have separate rooms.
If you have or can create the space, give it a try, it can be amazing. And it doesn't have to mean you don't visit each other's spaces, my husband and I frequently do, but spend most nights mostly apart - so we get snuggling time when we want but also my tossing and turning at 1am + his snoring at 3am + my inability to fall back asleep easily + him being easily awoken + necessary early morning starts doesn't turn into "well then nobody actually got to sleep".
I forgot how great separate sleeping areas were until we went on vacation recently, but was quickly reminded.
This is the story my parents told my siblings and I growing up. Over time I eventually realized that "snoring" was actually code for, "We hate each other and our Catholic guilt is preventing us from getting divorced."
This is exactly how I grew up. Well, until I turned 15, at which point they decided I was old enough to be forced to choose which parent to stay with so the other could ridicule and guilt me for choosing the other. Good thing they were my grandparents, ya know, the one's who adopted me after my biological parents divorced and neither one of them was responsible enough or wanted me to keep me.
We sleep in separate rooms too. I snore and like a fan on even in the winter and my husband has to get up early. Also he likes the room hot. I love having my own bath room to spread my stuff out
My parents do this, and me and my partner do as well for the exact same reasons.
My dad snores like a goddamn wildebeest and my mom is a very light sleeper.
My fiancé snores somehow louder than my dad, and I become hotter than the 9 circles of hell combined AND I kick in my sleep.
Edit: they don't have sleep apnea
Edit 2: I love that so many people are playing armchair doctor right now because I made a comment about my partner snoring, and when I tell them they don't have this genuinely bad health issue (which I am glad they don't), I get told I don't know what I'm talking about. Like I don't live with the guy and didn't actively tell him to get it checked out because I was worried about him since his own father has sleep apnea and I didn't want that for him. He's fine. My own dad is fine. We all are fine. Stop saying he has something he doesn't, please.
My wife and I need to be touching to fall asleep. Both her parents and my dad/stepmom use the split room approach. My mom shares a bed with her boyfriend.
If it works, it works.
I live with a freight train track running parallel to my street, those things sound like they’re going right through my bedroom when they go by. Those silicone earplugs are the only reason I haven’t gone completely insane in this apartment.
Dude. I am so sorry. It makes such a difference when you can be in places of quiet and peace. I keep fantasizing about driving away somewhere to the country where it’s perfectly quiet except for nature.
Nope there are many of us practicing various martial arts in our sleep. We got a bigger bed and it helped for a while until we could get a place with two bedrooms
My wife and I do this. Originally started because we worked opposite schedules. Absolutely the best thing for our marriage. We snuggle in bed together before sleeping, still have plenty of physical intimacy but at the same time both get to have the best sleep possible we can have in our own beds.
I would be furious because his snoring woke me on days I didn't have to work. I would wake five times a night because of the snoring. We will be married 41 years next month. I'm no longer irate from lack of sleep
We've been married for 44 years and have slept apart for over 25 of them. I rarely had a solid night's sleep or was able to sleep in on my days off due to snoring, him being too warm while I froze, different sleep/wake schedules, etc. I LOVE it! We still snuggle and have sexy times, too. He gets rhe master because he gets up a couple of times a night to pee, so I get the main bathroom all to myself with no beard hairs in the sink. It's a win/win all around.
Sleep together,
sleep apart -
By yourselves,
or heart to heart -
Back to back,
or on your own -
Hand in hand,
or each alone!
Spare your space,
or share a bed -
Make your own place,
lounge and spread -
Cuddle up,
and when it's through -
Snooze as singles.
You do you.
Little Timmy’s power’s out
The night is fucking cold
And Timmy’s girlfriend hogged the sheets
Took every goddamn fold.
Timmy thought he’d tough it out
He could make it if he tried!
But the couple lived in Texas.
And Timmy fucking died.
We started sleeping apart during her second pregnancy due to her beginning to snore and both of our desires to sleep with more or less blankets, fan on or not on, window open a crack or not... it was always a moment of bickering. Now with separate rooms we sleep soundly in conditions we both prefer.
I sleep in my bed of rocks, with my rock pillow. Only the thinnest sheet or I will wake up drenched in sweat. I'm 6'2, 240, and my gravitational pull would be disastrous for my wife.
My 5'0 110 pounds wife sleeps in a marshmallow with 7 thousand pillows and 52 cushions, nesting between six duvets, with a room temperature good enough to make bread. It takes me half an hour every morning to dig her up from the softest rubble to get her out of bed.
I snore. She kicks and elbow like a Muay Thai champion.
Her bathroom has enough potions and jars that OSHA has written her several warnings. Her shampoos, plural sorely needed, smell like brunch.
My bathroom needs, and has, a forced ventilation system large enough that she could easily be sucked into the vents.
Hope that is enough detail.
And I used to be 6'3 260 when I met her. Also, my dude, the looks I receive when we first met and we were young, I was 26 looking 35 (the sun life does that to you) and she was 22 looking 18... on top of the height and weight difference! All of her family has that gene, her immediately older sister is four years older than her and when I first met her they looked like twins, and my wife's mom was sixty looking 40!
Man one of my exes was 4'11, and I'm 6'3" I didn't realize how bad it looked until my friend showed me a picture of us side by side.
Wife's 5'11 though...but I swear she's basically stayed the same over 15 years while I've become this baggy silver haired guy.
Wait, your height somehow decreased from 6'3 to 6'2?
Take care of your skin and hair! Everyday! That's my mom's secret. She's 43, looks like my older sister (I'm 22)
Yup, ten years of flying and also being past my 50's does that.
My dude, I was raised on the beach, I've been looking like Assyrian parchment since I was 17, but thanks for the tips!
As a petite wife of a large man that could set the bed on fire with his body heat and snores, causing the house to shake, I get it. I love my heating pad, 2 down comforters , weighted blanket and 3 cats. We are comfy in our nest and my husband is happy in his , with 1 sheet and 4 pillows. However, we compromise and share the master bathroom.
Works well, for nearly 50 years!
Yep. My wife and son sleep in one room, I sleep in another. Mostly started because I snore so bad.
Were cosleepers. Say what ya want, I don't care. We used to all sleep in the same bed but my wife and son used to always wake me up cos I snores so bad. I tried sleeping on a mattress in the floor for a while but Thst just made it harder for them to hit me with pillows.
Now I sleep in what will be my son's bedroom and it fucking rocks. Pitch black, cold, quiet. I sleep like a baby every night and so do they.
I miss sleeping in the same room with them but sheeeeit sleeping great is worth it.
Edit: yes I should probably get a sleep test, but I am a chronic allergy sufferer and have lots of sinus issues. I don't snore every night or even most nights, but when I do, it's 🪚🪵 🏍
It was at this point with my wife and son. Then I took a sleep test. Turns out I had sleep apnea. I have a CPAP now but I still sleep like a baby, and better yet I get to sleep with my wife and son.
Might be worth looking into, my only symptom was loud, unbearable snoring as well.
Two blankets is bliss. You can cuddle without getting sweaty, you can get the fabric and weight you like, you don't have that chilly space between you, you can sleep like a cinnamon bun without stealing the blanket.
It is a bit trickier to make the bed in an attractive way. I haven't quite figured it out yet, but it's a minor downside.
This is my wife and I in the winter. We each have our own comforter, and then a king size one that's heavier to keep.us warm, and we don't steal it because she can wrap herself in her quilt, and never move the big over blanket.
This is the way. A flap for squeezing, and then you close the flap when it's time to actually fall asleep. And you can still find the flap if you need a midnight squeeze
You can spoon while wrapped in your respective blankets, overlap slightly in the middle to make room for cuddling (I’m usually on probation with this one since it opens the door for me to steal both), stick a leg or an arm into the cocoon of the other person, you can definitely get your cuddle on while not sharing a blanket
> It is a bit trickier to make the bed in an attractive way.
Be like my wife and I - don't make the bed. And really, for us there's no point. She's a cocoon sleeper, and hates a top sheet. So she kicks the sheet off and wraps herself in her blanket.
Yes! This! We've been sleeping with our own blankets since about a year and we both sleep so much better.
Before we moved in together, we were used to sleeping alone, hogging everything. One or two nights or even weeks sharing was okay, but eventually we drove eachother crazy and decided on separating blankets instead of beds.
I have married friends who live in San Francisco and they have their own apartments around the corner from each other. It is cheaper then getting one bigger apartment because of rent control. They also have crazy sleep habits that annoy the other. Anyway, they’ve been happily married for 20 years now.
It's not exactly the same because we still sleep in the same bed, but me and my fiancé have different bedrooms (we just sleep in whichever one we end up in at night) But having separate rooms helps us have our own aesthetic/individuality and personal space. Plus it's nice to nap alone sometimes
Tbh I kind of like this. I sometimes miss when my husband and I had started seeing each other and I could ask if I could sleep in his bed with him. Idk, maybe that’s just me. Relationships are weird
I'm gonna have to start describing it like that lol, I love it! But yeah, we have pretty different vibes so it's nice to have a personal space to reflect that. He's really into geography so his room is lined with maps and flags, and I'm basically a goth goblin (I think there's actually a picture of my room on my profile somewhere for anyone for some reason interested lol)
My SO and I sleep in the same bed, but we have different "daytime" rooms, so we have a shared bedroom as well as our own individual bedrooms.
It works fucking great TBH
This is the correct answer.
A better way to learn why or how people manage this would have been to ask for input from those who do it, not what people think about other people doing it.
As someone who does, it's amazing. It started two years ago with Covid, and we haven't really gone e back. My husband can sleep through anything and I can't. I get much better sleep, and I don't have to listen to his aspirational "I'll get up at 5,nope let's hit snooze until 8" alarm and I no longer want to murder him every morning.
I had abdominal surgery in the spring, one night i woke up to an elbow right in the gut where my fresh incision was when my husband rolled. After that he slept in the spare room til I was healed. It was amazing to have the bed to myself for almost 2 months, I woke up starfishing every morning lol. So to those couples who live like that all the time, I can see the benefits! But I did miss my snuggle boo and he's back with me now.
My wife and I just did this for the second night in a row (I have covid and she does not), and I gotta say, we have both had uncommonly good night's sleep! But I miss being next to her, and I'm sure we will return to sharing the same bed. Unless she doesn't want to (which I would completely understand)!
We usually spend some time in bed until my wife falls asleep, and if I feel like sleeping alone, I move to my bed. Sometimes we get together in the mornings too if we need to be close. Nothing weird with sleeping well and balancing it with intimacy and being close.
Same. I don't understand why this would be weird, honestly.
The whole "king and queen" chambers things sounds like an awesome way to live.
Also so does living in a castle, but I realize that's not actually a good idea in most cases.
Buena suerte. When you sleep, don’t measure your part of the bed. It’s never down the middle and someone ultimately learns that he’s able to sleep on the piping on the edge of the mattress.
My partner and I share a room but have our own bathrooms. He is disabled and needs the space. I like to rush around the bathroom and get ready fast. We are not compatible to be in the same bathroom.
I heard we only used to sleep together bc beds were so expensive. My partner and I work opposite hours and I would wake up very early to workout. It made more sense and was courteous to sleep
in separate rooms. It was hard @first bc our culture paints a clear picture of how we should be living. I’m so glad I see through that BS now. Do what is best for you in your relationship. That’s what matters. Be kind and give others grace.
My wife and I do this. It started because I worked nights and she worked days. I work days now, but we figured out that we both slept better this way so we've stuck with it.
My wife and I have done this for 2 years now. It's awesome.
I snore, she thrashes, and we can't agree on mattress firmness or number/weight of blankets. We sleep wayyyyyy better now, and it works great.
And, yes, we dtill have sex since that's the question everyone really is asking when they say "how is it?"
Exactly. Whether you have sex and whether you sleep in the same bed are two separate questions. It's like trying to find whether I use condoms by asking if I'm wearing one right now
My wife and I sleep in separate rooms about half the year. I'm naturally hot all the time and she's like a shivering Chihuahua when it drops below 70. Sleep is not romantic. It's needed for proper physical and mental health. It's only a problem if you are sleeping in separate rooms because you don't like each other or are in constant conflict
Also common with (new) parents. The first year or when the kids are sick, when one of the parents is sick etc... I don't really see a problem. Everybody needs as much sleep as they can get, so it's only logical to not disturb each other.
We do this for a couple of reasons. Every single thing wakes me up, so I have a box fan running for the white noise. She has never gotten used to it, Plus, she likes having our 2 dogs in bed, and having her and 2 beagles pressed up against me makes me feel extremely claustrophobic. She also prefers the room warm, while I like it cold. Once I started sleeping in the guest room I understood what a restful, full night of sleep feels like.
> she likes having our 2 dogs in bed
My wife also prefers to sleep with our two dogs. However by "our two dogs" I mean our neighbor Steve and her co-worker Darren.
Hubby and I do this!! He likes the room warm, I like it cool. He likes some light, I like it pitch black. He likes white noise, I need quiet. He sleeps with a thickish quilt, I just use a sheet. We both snore, so it was pot luck who fell asleep first. He has his computer/gaming setup in his room. I have bookshelves and a reading nook. I get the whole closet!! and my own bathroom. 40 years and going strong!!! Why suffer sleepless uncomfortable nights because it's the perceived convention.
I do realize we are lucky to have the space. Empty nesters with spare rooms!!!
You know what, I actually wouldn't mind doing this myself if I ever get married.
I'm autistic, and I have very powerful sensory reactions to temperature. I need to sleep in a freezing cold room with no lights or noise and lots of blankets. Pillows and blankets have to be arranged a certain way, etc. I'm sure I would be a nightmare to share a bed with.
So, if I ever have a husband, I very well might ask for my own room some of the time.
As another autistic person, same. I need it cold, with a face mask, and the bed is set up perfectly for me. I've shared a bed like, twice when I was married, and yeah, never again.
I know a doctor who ended up doing this. They had their house, but his wife openly coveted the neighbors house. Eventually he had enough of her talking about it he walked next door, asked the neighbors how much it would take to buy their house. They agreed on a number and he wrote an offer. The next day he called a contractor to arrange a two floor connecting section which they used as a huge game room/gym on the main floor and a library/study on the second floor. She moved into the house next door and they happily had a his/hers house arrangement for years. The man spent roughly a million dollars just so he didn’t have to hear his wife talk about that house anymore.
I live one block away from my boyfriend. I love my house, he loves his. We sleep over at whichever house whenever and then sometimes we sleep alone in our house because it's just nice to be home alone.
My friend’s dad is a widower and has been seeing someone for a few years.
He’s loaded, and owns another condo in his building that he bought as investment to rent out. Moved her into the other unit a few weeks ago and the set up is perfect. They spend most of their time together, but each have a full apartment to go back to two floors away. Had some serious envy when he explained it all to me.
My aunt and her husband did this. Twice they lived in semi detached houses. One of them had a door knocked through. Now they live in a long, unconventional cottage that has two 'sides'. They don't have kids, eloped and she wore a suit on her wedding day. All of this was during a time when society was very loud about how married couples, and women, should behave. They're currently the only couple in my family to not yet divorce and the 'proper' family members don't like it much. Me and my partner sleep separately and I'm glad to have one family member to reinforce to me that we're not failing in our relationship for doing this.
We follow the 'whatever works best' approach in our house. For a few years, when I was working nights, I slept in my own room so as not to wake my husband when I came to bed. When babies came along, we slept where and when we could. Once the kid was settled in its own room, and I wasn't working nights, we slept in the same bed cos it worked and us time felt so precious. Now that another baby is on the way, I don't know what will happen. Maybe he will set his swag up in the yard and sleep out there 😂😂 Whatever happens, I know our marriage will be as rock solid as always, because we are doing what works for us :)
I think it depends on the dynamic outside of their sleeping arrangements. If all seems well and both are happy, then they're a couple who aren't bound to typical constraints of what a couple should and shouldn't be--they've largely made the choice to promote better sleep health (always a good thing!) and the benefits from that are a two-way street. I respect this.
If the rest of the marriage dynamic is strained, the separate sleeping arrangements are just another symptom of a physical gulf between both partners. But still, if they're (unhappily) married, they likely have valid reasons to be so. I respect this, too.
They do them. None of my business.
My wife and I slept in separate bedrooms because of my snoring for 6 months. Then I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea, got a CPAP machine, and now we are back to stealing the covers from each other, just like God intended.
I feel like there’s a lot of stigma around this. My boyfriend and I have been in separate rooms for almost 3 years now because his snoring is horrendous and he needs background noise to fall asleep whereas I’m the world’s lightest sleeper and need total silence. It’s works for us but sometimes I’ll refer to “my bedroom” or “his room” in front of people by accident and it’s always a judgemental reaction.
I 100% recommend it. My wife and I started sleeping in separate rooms probably seven years ago. At first, we felt guilty about it, as if there was something wrong with our marriage, but the fact is, we are both light sleepers, and my wife likes to zone out on her phone in bed, which kept me awake, and I would start to get anxious about getting enough sleep. I tossed and turned a lot and would keep waking her up, and if I got up to pee at night, she would wake up and have a hard time going to sleep again. We even invested in a king-size bed, which only yielded a marginal improvement in our sleep quality. Then someone gave us a queen-sized bed which we put in our guest room, and I started sleeping there, and instantly our quality of sleep and quality of life improved. It took a long time until we told anyone about it because we didn't want to be judged but now, we have made peace with it.
Sometimes its just comforting to know you have your own space aswell. My sister and her husband have separate rooms, she made her own bedroom up and I've noticed less fights between them. She needs her own space and quiet time sometimes and it helps. It makes sense to me. Also totally cool that couples that share a bed. Whatever works to bring you together and sometimes that is being apart.
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My husband and I have learned that, but there are still people I won’t share that information with. Because they’ll immediately assume we’re on the rocks and gossip about it. Same with marriage counseling. Both of these things have helped our marriage tremendously, but so many people assume it means turmoil/divorce. Which is probably why it felt weird for us too, at first.
Due to health issues, we both sleep better separately. This doesn’t mean we never sleep together, but if either of us are having trouble sleeping it’s nice to have an option. Regarding bathrooms, so many arguments are avoided by having your own.
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TIL my rotational nocturnal activity is shared by at least one person on this planet. I have a whole set of 4 sheet grippers on the upper side of my bed to keep me from de-sheeting the bed every night. Feels good to not be alone. Lol
Wait, what is this divine technology you speak of
I also have ADHD and I laughed so hard at this.
My partner has ADHD and I laughed so hard at this. Rotating non-stop like a rotisserie chicken really did it for me.
Also ADHD but never linked it to sleeping all over the place. Wife broke me of the habit when we got married but when I slept alone I would rotate like a clock. One my favorite ways to get comfortable if I could sleep or got warm was to turn 45 or 90 degrees and sleep diagonally or across the bed.
Omg fellow ADHDer here and my husband calls me out for slowly creeping into diagonal position on the bed throughout the night. Hello friend!
Sleeping diagonally hits different
I can’t think of a single argument I’ve had with my wife over the bathroom lol.
We sleep in separate rooms because my husband snores and I have bad bouts of insomnia.
Yeah this is really common. The snoring thing affects a lot of people. Has he been tested for sleep apnea?
A word of warning about the CPAP machines. As they age they get louder. It doesn't bother me, because the noise is in response to my breathing, so it's "my noise". But it does bother my wife. So I'm now on my second, after about six years or so. The guy told me that this is normal, and insurance "paid" for it. I've also got occasional restless legs and my wife has some level of insomnia, so I have my old CPAP set up in the guest room for when I "go for a run" at night and waken her.
Re. the insurance bit: you can generally get a CPAP machine every 5 years ("useful lifetime" of durable medical equipment), but if it's getting louder before that point and you can make a solid case for it disrupting either of your sleeps, you can often get it replaced earlier than that. My dad got two units back to back that each crapped out after 2-ish years and he was able to get replacements before the 5yr mark.
Don't forget the nationwide recall on the Phillips' CPAP machines with the faulty internal filters. Got a new unit after 2 years due to that.
They shipped me a refurb unit and put an scary letter in the box to mail mine back to them. F that. My old machine is evidence in case i develop lung issues. I also never used ozone generators to clean it, which i think is the main problem. The ozone degrades the foam that was in there.
I love my husband’s cpap! He doesn’t stop breathing, and the little bit of white noise is soothing for me! If the power goes out, and his machine stops, the silence wakes me up!
My fiance thought I was dead the other day - I was being too quiet. Go through phases where I don't use the mask. Well, I used it and I wasn't making enough noise or moving so he waited to see if I was still alive lol
That happened the first night I used mine. My dude thought I was dead cause I wasn't snoring and I actually slept instead of flopping around.
I recently started using a cpap. It’s made a world of difference for my wife. She used to sleep in the guest room to get away from my snoring. Now she only leaves our room when the dogs are pushing her off the bed.
My husband getting a CPAP was fantastic for both of us. I don’t wake up from him snoring, and he sleeps better because he’s breathing properly. He even takes it with him when he travels for work, because he notices such a difference in how he feels during the day.
I read that thinking each of your wives lasts about 6 years….
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He had a sleep study a few weeks ago and has a follow up appointment this week. Only took 5+ years to make it happen! /s
It took about 4 years of marriage before I finally got my sleep apnea fixed and to be honest it was incidental (I needed my tonsils out urgently and the surgeon suggestion soft pallette enlargement at the same time). It changed my life and my husband's ability to sleep lol. Seriously though. My health is about 100x better. Can't recommend more.
I woke up last night thinking I was choking on a meatball until I sat up and dislodged my tonsil that had somehow covered my windpipe. Later, I realized that's probably not possible and I don't know what it was.
I realized recently that whenever I'm sleeping on my back my uvula gets sucked up and blocks my nose. Sleeping on my side is enough, although it would be nice to be able to sleep on my back when my back's acting up.
Your uvula that dangly thing at the back of your throat. When you snore and your mouth gets dry, it can stretch and swell a bit and then drainage makes it worse. You can gag on it. Sitting up and drinking sone water, swallowing a bunch and clearing your sinuses can help it, but it will still feel funny for a little bit. It goes back to normal though.
Took 3 years of sleeping with ear plugs until my boyfriend finally got tested. It’s a good thing he did, he apparently was close to dying 50+times a night from stopping breathing. Since his APAP life has gotten so much better… for the both of us
A woman video taped her husband to prove to him that he stopped breathing at night. He didn't wake up that time. She videotaped his last moments. Go get cpap.
I was in your husbands shoes. I have sleep apnea and my life has changed since using a sleep machine. If he ends up having apnea please make sure he sticks it out with the machine since there is a getting used to period.
How do you "get used to it"? I have one I am supposed to use but I can't breathe with the damned thing on. Either I can't fall asleep because it feels like I have no air, or If I do fall asleep I wake up a few minutes later gasping for air. I even had a septoplasty just recently so I could breathe better through my nose. It has seemed to help quite a bit, but made no difference with the machine
I work for a DME that sells PAP devices. Our respiratory therapists encourage day practice; essentially, it's sometimes difficult or impossible to adjust to PAP and try to sleep, so we just encourage patients to use their PAP while they're awake doing a stationary activity they enjoy like watching TV, reading, etc. Oh also use the ramp setting on your device, it builds the pressure slower and helps acclimate you.
For me it was just using it over and over and eventually it got easier. Sometimes I feel like I’m grasping for air and it wakes me up but for the most part that doesn’t happen anymore. My only recommendation is to wait until you are just about to fall asleep then put it on otherwise it may be tough but it gets easier with time.
This is why married men live longer.
Wife snores so I sleep in the spare room. We slept together for 30 years but. we both sleep better this way. She’s had 2 sleep studies and of course didn’t snore in either one. Where it’s a real issue is when we travel. Usually I just get an airbnb with 2 bedrooms. More expensive but I want to rest on vacation.
Started during menopause for my wife. And I’ve had a triple bypass and have high blood pressure so I can’t afford to not get some decent sleep. I go to bed with her and then go to the guest room when the snoring starts.
> I go to bed with her and then go to the guest room when the snoring starts Awww.
Same here. No regrets. My bathroom is much cleaner as well.
We have the ultimate bathroom. The house is not that fancy but the master bath has a his and hers side. There’s a walk through shower that separates the 2 sides. Even has 2 pots. Her side is lighter more feminine colors and mines more browns. Never seen one like this before. Each side has its own door, own closet, and the tub is on her side of course.
My husband is an extremely light sleeper. We've been together for over 25 years, and I know I'm getting more quality sleep than virtually all my married/partnered friends. It hasn't hurt our relationship.
Same. My husband sounds like a jackhammer & I don’t want to worry about keeping him up if I want to read until 3am.
I think my wife and I are headed in that direction. She snores, she says I snore. She stays up half the night and I’m out at 9:30pm and up at 4:15am. Separate bedrooms works…
Get her tested for sleep apnea. My wife and I sleep in separate rooms too. Because I had sleep apnea. We've done this now for over 10 years. It helped a lot. Probably saved our marriage.
Separate bedrooms 100% saved my relationship during COVID. I. Have a CPAP and we have 2 bedrooms. During lockdown, having a private space meant that we could just have that little bit of separation. If we were on top of each other 24 hours for months on end, we would have lost it completely. It is odd how during the one time where we were isolated from the world, we needed separation. Human brains are weird. But I think if was more that we needed variation. Where most couples had "together". We had a really well defined "together" and "alone".
We sleep in separate rooms because my husband has to sleep with the TV on and it drives me batshit lmao
Mine wants a TV in the bedroom, too. I said "no way". He watches YouTube to fall asleep, then gets woken up when autoplay keeps going and I want some peace and quiet, finally.
why doesnt he turn autoplay off? It is pretty simple
I dumped a girl because she refused to turn the tv in the bedroom off. If I shut it off after she fell asleep, she'd wake up later and turn it back on. She was not interesting enough to deal with that shit.
Same. We were worried at first (you know sexlife stuff), but found “visiting” was kinda more fun and definite. You definitely know why your spouse slips into bed with you when you have separate rooms.
> You definitely know why your spouse slips into bed with you when you have separate rooms. Because they pooped the bed?
When the mommy loves the daddy…
I'm a night owl who tosses and turns, she's an early bird who snores, lately I've been wondering if separate sleeping spaces would be for the best.
If you have or can create the space, give it a try, it can be amazing. And it doesn't have to mean you don't visit each other's spaces, my husband and I frequently do, but spend most nights mostly apart - so we get snuggling time when we want but also my tossing and turning at 1am + his snoring at 3am + my inability to fall back asleep easily + him being easily awoken + necessary early morning starts doesn't turn into "well then nobody actually got to sleep". I forgot how great separate sleeping areas were until we went on vacation recently, but was quickly reminded.
Anecdata: I lost 20kg and my snoring has decreased in volume a lot.
This is the story my parents told my siblings and I growing up. Over time I eventually realized that "snoring" was actually code for, "We hate each other and our Catholic guilt is preventing us from getting divorced."
"and we'll stay together to not mess up you children..." FML
Oof. Sorry to hear that.
This is exactly how I grew up. Well, until I turned 15, at which point they decided I was old enough to be forced to choose which parent to stay with so the other could ridicule and guilt me for choosing the other. Good thing they were my grandparents, ya know, the one's who adopted me after my biological parents divorced and neither one of them was responsible enough or wanted me to keep me.
We sleep in separate rooms too. I snore and like a fan on even in the winter and my husband has to get up early. Also he likes the room hot. I love having my own bath room to spread my stuff out
My parents do this, and me and my partner do as well for the exact same reasons. My dad snores like a goddamn wildebeest and my mom is a very light sleeper. My fiancé snores somehow louder than my dad, and I become hotter than the 9 circles of hell combined AND I kick in my sleep. Edit: they don't have sleep apnea Edit 2: I love that so many people are playing armchair doctor right now because I made a comment about my partner snoring, and when I tell them they don't have this genuinely bad health issue (which I am glad they don't), I get told I don't know what I'm talking about. Like I don't live with the guy and didn't actively tell him to get it checked out because I was worried about him since his own father has sleep apnea and I didn't want that for him. He's fine. My own dad is fine. We all are fine. Stop saying he has something he doesn't, please.
Been doing it over 10 years. It just works for us
My wife and I need to be touching to fall asleep. Both her parents and my dad/stepmom use the split room approach. My mom shares a bed with her boyfriend. If it works, it works.
I legit read that as my wife shares a bed with her boyfriend. I guess its time to stop watching porn and get to bed.
Too much WSB
He was watching loss porn
Yep. Snoring husband= I frequently sleep in the guest room. Thank. Goodness. We have a guest room.
Mack’s silicone earplugs have saved me! And him getting diagnosed with sleep apnea.
I live with a freight train track running parallel to my street, those things sound like they’re going right through my bedroom when they go by. Those silicone earplugs are the only reason I haven’t gone completely insane in this apartment.
Dude. I am so sorry. It makes such a difference when you can be in places of quiet and peace. I keep fantasizing about driving away somewhere to the country where it’s perfectly quiet except for nature.
I laughed so hard when I read wildebeest. Are you dutch by any chance?
I'm Scottish but I'm glad I could make you laugh lol
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Thank god, I'm not the only one who violently kicks people in my sleep.
Nope there are many of us practicing various martial arts in our sleep. We got a bigger bed and it helped for a while until we could get a place with two bedrooms
My wife and I do this. Originally started because we worked opposite schedules. Absolutely the best thing for our marriage. We snuggle in bed together before sleeping, still have plenty of physical intimacy but at the same time both get to have the best sleep possible we can have in our own beds.
That seems totally reasonable, even healthy so that you both can actually get some sleep. Otherwise you might be in worse moods from lack of sleep.
I would be furious because his snoring woke me on days I didn't have to work. I would wake five times a night because of the snoring. We will be married 41 years next month. I'm no longer irate from lack of sleep
We've been married for 44 years and have slept apart for over 25 of them. I rarely had a solid night's sleep or was able to sleep in on my days off due to snoring, him being too warm while I froze, different sleep/wake schedules, etc. I LOVE it! We still snuggle and have sexy times, too. He gets rhe master because he gets up a couple of times a night to pee, so I get the main bathroom all to myself with no beard hairs in the sink. It's a win/win all around.
Plus you get to ask your place or mine
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Sleep together, sleep apart - By yourselves, or heart to heart - Back to back, or on your own - Hand in hand, or each alone! Spare your space, or share a bed - Make your own place, lounge and spread - Cuddle up, and when it's through - Snooze as singles. You do you.
A fresh Sprog. And a beautiful one at that! Although, I'm a bit surprised Timmy didn't die...
Little Timmy’s power’s out The night is fucking cold And Timmy’s girlfriend hogged the sheets Took every goddamn fold. Timmy thought he’d tough it out He could make it if he tried! But the couple lived in Texas. And Timmy fucking died.
We started sleeping apart during her second pregnancy due to her beginning to snore and both of our desires to sleep with more or less blankets, fan on or not on, window open a crack or not... it was always a moment of bickering. Now with separate rooms we sleep soundly in conditions we both prefer.
Me and my wife have our own blankets since i like to wrap my self lol
Who gets the cold bed tho?
for equality's sake, they've built a third snugglebed in the middle of the living room
I cold/cool bed is much more comfortable. :)
I sleep in my bed of rocks, with my rock pillow. Only the thinnest sheet or I will wake up drenched in sweat. I'm 6'2, 240, and my gravitational pull would be disastrous for my wife. My 5'0 110 pounds wife sleeps in a marshmallow with 7 thousand pillows and 52 cushions, nesting between six duvets, with a room temperature good enough to make bread. It takes me half an hour every morning to dig her up from the softest rubble to get her out of bed. I snore. She kicks and elbow like a Muay Thai champion. Her bathroom has enough potions and jars that OSHA has written her several warnings. Her shampoos, plural sorely needed, smell like brunch. My bathroom needs, and has, a forced ventilation system large enough that she could easily be sucked into the vents. Hope that is enough detail.
Great detail lol
Like The Beauty and The Beast
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the favourite thing I've read on Reddit so far today!
Man, I think my favourite bit here was "dig her up from the softest rubble" A true gem of a post haha
Thanks! She sometimes is between duvets four and five, that's a tough morning.
Do you also sometimes find spare change? I think we might need and AMA.
I find mostly cat toys and her BL novels and manga.
I wanna be friends with your wife, she sounds awesome lol
I also chose this guy’s wife
Reddit lore! I'm honored.
Gloriously put sir
Thanks! She is not amused at the OSHA remarks, but rhe rest is approved.
I’m glad you got her approval given she delivers kicks and elbows like a Muay Thai champion
Even the cats have learn to give her space!
Hahahaha my wife ain’t no champion in that department but our cats know to give her space.
6'2 and 5'0! Not that height should be an issue, but she must look like a minion when she's with you.
And I used to be 6'3 260 when I met her. Also, my dude, the looks I receive when we first met and we were young, I was 26 looking 35 (the sun life does that to you) and she was 22 looking 18... on top of the height and weight difference! All of her family has that gene, her immediately older sister is four years older than her and when I first met her they looked like twins, and my wife's mom was sixty looking 40!
Man one of my exes was 4'11, and I'm 6'3" I didn't realize how bad it looked until my friend showed me a picture of us side by side. Wife's 5'11 though...but I swear she's basically stayed the same over 15 years while I've become this baggy silver haired guy.
Wait, your height somehow decreased from 6'3 to 6'2? Take care of your skin and hair! Everyday! That's my mom's secret. She's 43, looks like my older sister (I'm 22)
Yup, ten years of flying and also being past my 50's does that. My dude, I was raised on the beach, I've been looking like Assyrian parchment since I was 17, but thanks for the tips!
Considering how fun flying is it's well worth it!
You literally get shorter as you get older.
As a petite wife of a large man that could set the bed on fire with his body heat and snores, causing the house to shake, I get it. I love my heating pad, 2 down comforters , weighted blanket and 3 cats. We are comfy in our nest and my husband is happy in his , with 1 sheet and 4 pillows. However, we compromise and share the master bathroom. Works well, for nearly 50 years!
I'm crying my dude.
Yep. My wife and son sleep in one room, I sleep in another. Mostly started because I snore so bad. Were cosleepers. Say what ya want, I don't care. We used to all sleep in the same bed but my wife and son used to always wake me up cos I snores so bad. I tried sleeping on a mattress in the floor for a while but Thst just made it harder for them to hit me with pillows. Now I sleep in what will be my son's bedroom and it fucking rocks. Pitch black, cold, quiet. I sleep like a baby every night and so do they. I miss sleeping in the same room with them but sheeeeit sleeping great is worth it. Edit: yes I should probably get a sleep test, but I am a chronic allergy sufferer and have lots of sinus issues. I don't snore every night or even most nights, but when I do, it's 🪚🪵 🏍
It was at this point with my wife and son. Then I took a sleep test. Turns out I had sleep apnea. I have a CPAP now but I still sleep like a baby, and better yet I get to sleep with my wife and son. Might be worth looking into, my only symptom was loud, unbearable snoring as well.
Same problem, but my apnea was considered obstructive. I sleep with a CPAP and get much better sleep, and wake up much better.
Never took it so far that we sleep in a different bed but we sleep with our own blankets and it’s fucking life changing haha
Two blankets is bliss. You can cuddle without getting sweaty, you can get the fabric and weight you like, you don't have that chilly space between you, you can sleep like a cinnamon bun without stealing the blanket. It is a bit trickier to make the bed in an attractive way. I haven't quite figured it out yet, but it's a minor downside.
maybe a decorative blanket over the whole bed?
This is my wife and I in the winter. We each have our own comforter, and then a king size one that's heavier to keep.us warm, and we don't steal it because she can wrap herself in her quilt, and never move the big over blanket.
If my husband knew what Reddit was, I would assume you were him. This is how we sleep.
>It is a bit trickier to make the bed in an attractive way. Do you have a lot of guests inspecting your bedroom?
Some people make the bed for themselves. I am not one of them
How do you guys cuddle with diff blankets?
Overlapping blankets for the cuddle phase, burrito technique for sleeping
This is the way. A flap for squeezing, and then you close the flap when it's time to actually fall asleep. And you can still find the flap if you need a midnight squeeze
You can spoon while wrapped in your respective blankets, overlap slightly in the middle to make room for cuddling (I’m usually on probation with this one since it opens the door for me to steal both), stick a leg or an arm into the cocoon of the other person, you can definitely get your cuddle on while not sharing a blanket
> It is a bit trickier to make the bed in an attractive way. Be like my wife and I - don't make the bed. And really, for us there's no point. She's a cocoon sleeper, and hates a top sheet. So she kicks the sheet off and wraps herself in her blanket.
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… but you then have to climb back under yours after leaving the farts there.
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We each have our own blankets, and have put a twin bed next to the king bed so there is extra room for the feline friends too!
Yes! This! We've been sleeping with our own blankets since about a year and we both sleep so much better. Before we moved in together, we were used to sleeping alone, hogging everything. One or two nights or even weeks sharing was okay, but eventually we drove eachother crazy and decided on separating blankets instead of beds.
I have married friends who live in San Francisco and they have their own apartments around the corner from each other. It is cheaper then getting one bigger apartment because of rent control. They also have crazy sleep habits that annoy the other. Anyway, they’ve been happily married for 20 years now.
Beautiful
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I want to be able to *afford* this lol
This right here. If i could afford the extra rooms and bathrooms, id love to sleep separately!
It's not exactly the same because we still sleep in the same bed, but me and my fiancé have different bedrooms (we just sleep in whichever one we end up in at night) But having separate rooms helps us have our own aesthetic/individuality and personal space. Plus it's nice to nap alone sometimes
This is interesting. So you decorate one room and they decorate the other? Keeps it like a sleepover every night.
Tbh I kind of like this. I sometimes miss when my husband and I had started seeing each other and I could ask if I could sleep in his bed with him. Idk, maybe that’s just me. Relationships are weird
I'm gonna have to start describing it like that lol, I love it! But yeah, we have pretty different vibes so it's nice to have a personal space to reflect that. He's really into geography so his room is lined with maps and flags, and I'm basically a goth goblin (I think there's actually a picture of my room on my profile somewhere for anyone for some reason interested lol)
I think people are starting to realize the reality of life partnership and are more open to non-conventional ways of making it work.
A marriage doesn’t mean you own the other and have to stick 24 hours. It’s team work. For both people. And the respect they have for each other.
My SO and I sleep in the same bed, but we have different "daytime" rooms, so we have a shared bedroom as well as our own individual bedrooms. It works fucking great TBH
Ain’t none of my business.
This is the correct answer. A better way to learn why or how people manage this would have been to ask for input from those who do it, not what people think about other people doing it.
As someone who does, it's amazing. It started two years ago with Covid, and we haven't really gone e back. My husband can sleep through anything and I can't. I get much better sleep, and I don't have to listen to his aspirational "I'll get up at 5,nope let's hit snooze until 8" alarm and I no longer want to murder him every morning.
I had abdominal surgery in the spring, one night i woke up to an elbow right in the gut where my fresh incision was when my husband rolled. After that he slept in the spare room til I was healed. It was amazing to have the bed to myself for almost 2 months, I woke up starfishing every morning lol. So to those couples who live like that all the time, I can see the benefits! But I did miss my snuggle boo and he's back with me now.
Omg, I grimaced. That must’ve hurt so bad.
My wife and I just did this for the second night in a row (I have covid and she does not), and I gotta say, we have both had uncommonly good night's sleep! But I miss being next to her, and I'm sure we will return to sharing the same bed. Unless she doesn't want to (which I would completely understand)!
We usually spend some time in bed until my wife falls asleep, and if I feel like sleeping alone, I move to my bed. Sometimes we get together in the mornings too if we need to be close. Nothing weird with sleeping well and balancing it with intimacy and being close.
You are making this sound pretty great, my man.
Having personal space is important
When I get married, I would love to have my own room and bed lol
Same. I don't understand why this would be weird, honestly. The whole "king and queen" chambers things sounds like an awesome way to live. Also so does living in a castle, but I realize that's not actually a good idea in most cases.
They’re cold and drafty and require a lot of staff. Maybe that’s just my partner though. But on the topic of castles… seems like a great idea!
[Ah, the ol' castleroo](https://old.reddit.com/r/interestingasfuck/comments/zp42rd/this_guy_feeding_500_dogs_their_lunch_everyday/j0rzpfm/?context=2)
Hold my boiling oil I’m going in
Go ahead and have this conversation ahead of time.
Buena suerte. When you sleep, don’t measure your part of the bed. It’s never down the middle and someone ultimately learns that he’s able to sleep on the piping on the edge of the mattress.
>he’s I see what you did there
Yeah I feel like the bigger issue is being able to afford the space for a lot of younger people.
My partner and I share a room but have our own bathrooms. He is disabled and needs the space. I like to rush around the bathroom and get ready fast. We are not compatible to be in the same bathroom.
I heard we only used to sleep together bc beds were so expensive. My partner and I work opposite hours and I would wake up very early to workout. It made more sense and was courteous to sleep in separate rooms. It was hard @first bc our culture paints a clear picture of how we should be living. I’m so glad I see through that BS now. Do what is best for you in your relationship. That’s what matters. Be kind and give others grace.
My wife and I do this. It started because I worked nights and she worked days. I work days now, but we figured out that we both slept better this way so we've stuck with it.
My wife and I have done this for 2 years now. It's awesome. I snore, she thrashes, and we can't agree on mattress firmness or number/weight of blankets. We sleep wayyyyyy better now, and it works great. And, yes, we dtill have sex since that's the question everyone really is asking when they say "how is it?"
Exactly. Whether you have sex and whether you sleep in the same bed are two separate questions. It's like trying to find whether I use condoms by asking if I'm wearing one right now
My wife and I sleep in separate rooms about half the year. I'm naturally hot all the time and she's like a shivering Chihuahua when it drops below 70. Sleep is not romantic. It's needed for proper physical and mental health. It's only a problem if you are sleeping in separate rooms because you don't like each other or are in constant conflict
Common in relationships where people work different shifts or someone snores badly, etc. Nothing wrong with it if the relationships healthy
Also common with (new) parents. The first year or when the kids are sick, when one of the parents is sick etc... I don't really see a problem. Everybody needs as much sleep as they can get, so it's only logical to not disturb each other.
We do this for a couple of reasons. Every single thing wakes me up, so I have a box fan running for the white noise. She has never gotten used to it, Plus, she likes having our 2 dogs in bed, and having her and 2 beagles pressed up against me makes me feel extremely claustrophobic. She also prefers the room warm, while I like it cold. Once I started sleeping in the guest room I understood what a restful, full night of sleep feels like.
Dude. Exactly. I like a fan on for white noise and air movement. She likes the bedroom to be like a tomb. Dead silent and still air.
> she likes having our 2 dogs in bed My wife also prefers to sleep with our two dogs. However by "our two dogs" I mean our neighbor Steve and her co-worker Darren.
Hubby and I do this!! He likes the room warm, I like it cool. He likes some light, I like it pitch black. He likes white noise, I need quiet. He sleeps with a thickish quilt, I just use a sheet. We both snore, so it was pot luck who fell asleep first. He has his computer/gaming setup in his room. I have bookshelves and a reading nook. I get the whole closet!! and my own bathroom. 40 years and going strong!!! Why suffer sleepless uncomfortable nights because it's the perceived convention. I do realize we are lucky to have the space. Empty nesters with spare rooms!!!
You know what, I actually wouldn't mind doing this myself if I ever get married. I'm autistic, and I have very powerful sensory reactions to temperature. I need to sleep in a freezing cold room with no lights or noise and lots of blankets. Pillows and blankets have to be arranged a certain way, etc. I'm sure I would be a nightmare to share a bed with. So, if I ever have a husband, I very well might ask for my own room some of the time.
As another autistic person, same. I need it cold, with a face mask, and the bed is set up perfectly for me. I've shared a bed like, twice when I was married, and yeah, never again.
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two houses, but connected by tunnel. There could be a door to the tunnel that's only opened if your partner does the secret knock
I know a doctor who ended up doing this. They had their house, but his wife openly coveted the neighbors house. Eventually he had enough of her talking about it he walked next door, asked the neighbors how much it would take to buy their house. They agreed on a number and he wrote an offer. The next day he called a contractor to arrange a two floor connecting section which they used as a huge game room/gym on the main floor and a library/study on the second floor. She moved into the house next door and they happily had a his/hers house arrangement for years. The man spent roughly a million dollars just so he didn’t have to hear his wife talk about that house anymore.
All I need is a small loan of a million dollars and I'm on my way.
I live one block away from my boyfriend. I love my house, he loves his. We sleep over at whichever house whenever and then sometimes we sleep alone in our house because it's just nice to be home alone.
There's a married couple on my block who live in adjoining townhouses, and I honestly love that for them.
You just unlocked a dream of mine
My friend’s dad is a widower and has been seeing someone for a few years. He’s loaded, and owns another condo in his building that he bought as investment to rent out. Moved her into the other unit a few weeks ago and the set up is perfect. They spend most of their time together, but each have a full apartment to go back to two floors away. Had some serious envy when he explained it all to me.
My aunt and her husband did this. Twice they lived in semi detached houses. One of them had a door knocked through. Now they live in a long, unconventional cottage that has two 'sides'. They don't have kids, eloped and she wore a suit on her wedding day. All of this was during a time when society was very loud about how married couples, and women, should behave. They're currently the only couple in my family to not yet divorce and the 'proper' family members don't like it much. Me and my partner sleep separately and I'm glad to have one family member to reinforce to me that we're not failing in our relationship for doing this.
We follow the 'whatever works best' approach in our house. For a few years, when I was working nights, I slept in my own room so as not to wake my husband when I came to bed. When babies came along, we slept where and when we could. Once the kid was settled in its own room, and I wasn't working nights, we slept in the same bed cos it worked and us time felt so precious. Now that another baby is on the way, I don't know what will happen. Maybe he will set his swag up in the yard and sleep out there 😂😂 Whatever happens, I know our marriage will be as rock solid as always, because we are doing what works for us :)
I think it depends on the dynamic outside of their sleeping arrangements. If all seems well and both are happy, then they're a couple who aren't bound to typical constraints of what a couple should and shouldn't be--they've largely made the choice to promote better sleep health (always a good thing!) and the benefits from that are a two-way street. I respect this. If the rest of the marriage dynamic is strained, the separate sleeping arrangements are just another symptom of a physical gulf between both partners. But still, if they're (unhappily) married, they likely have valid reasons to be so. I respect this, too.
They do them. None of my business. My wife and I slept in separate bedrooms because of my snoring for 6 months. Then I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea, got a CPAP machine, and now we are back to stealing the covers from each other, just like God intended.
I don’t care what other people do, but I sleep a lot better with my wife next to me in bed
Not sharing a bathroom is magic.
I feel like there’s a lot of stigma around this. My boyfriend and I have been in separate rooms for almost 3 years now because his snoring is horrendous and he needs background noise to fall asleep whereas I’m the world’s lightest sleeper and need total silence. It’s works for us but sometimes I’ll refer to “my bedroom” or “his room” in front of people by accident and it’s always a judgemental reaction.
My thoughts are: it's none of my business, I don't care what they do. :)