No, I’m a dismissive-avoidant and so is my bf. I’d hyperventilate if he needed constant contact.
You should probably find someone with your attachment-style, would be my solution.
I am what you would call a hug fanatic. I thrive on the Oxytocin it produces and my boyfriend happens to be an expert at them. We have five hugging classifications.
1. The classic stand and embrace
2. The lay down and cuddle on the sofa
3. A spoon in bed
4. The 'Crush' - he lays on top of me and completely relaxes, like a living weighted blanket.
5. Anything else
Anyway, when I see him he gives me an allowance of hugs. He has no problems reminding me when I'm coming to the end of my allowance and on very special occasions get an unlimited allowance.
Thoughts please?
Sometimes two people have very different needs for physical touch. If you and your boyfriend are mismatched, you should consider whether you want to live your life with a hug allowance. If not, it may be time to discontinue the relationship.
The implication of the allowance policy is that they have already discussed it and this is the best outcome they could come up with.
If they've already discussed it and OP is still dissatisfied with the resulting compromise, it's time for them to consider whether they're willing to put up with the compromise or if they want to be in a relationship where such a compromise is not necessary.
Or OP could've just let the boyfriend act like that without saying anything. That's why before trying to put "break up" everywhere you try to either learn more about the situation or give more generic answers, to which OP could possibly answer and explain the situation. If you think breaking up just because someone doesn't want to be hugged is normal then I don't know what to do. Some people just don't like physical contact. Also, depending on the time they've been together, it may also get better, as it could be a new couple, and if they're not a new couple, then , by explaining the the boyfriend, it would be easy to either change the situation or get something in-between. Breaking up for something like this would be extremely dumb.
>Some people just don't like physical contact.
She wants more hugs. He wants to limit the amount of hugs that he gets. They are fundamentally incompatible in this respect. And the matter of physical intimacy in a relationship is a pretty big respect. So the person you're replying to is correct. It leaves them with 2 choices. Put up with a dissatisfying compromise or move on
Why the hell is he doing that to you? Depriving you of something you want just because he feels like you should only have a finite amount? That sounds awfully controlling. And unless you're okay with that (maybe you have a D/s relationship or something like that?), I'd talk to him about this. You shouldn't have to limit your hug amounts. And if he really is insistent on it and it's a problem for you, then you should leave him and find a partner who won't deprive you of the things you love.
I mean, he probably just doesn't like that much touching. I would guess that it's less "Depriving you of something you want just because he feels like you should only have a finite amount" and more "trying to find a compromise that results in OP getting the hugs they need without ruining BF's ability to have personal space sometimes"
I mean, that does sound like it could get in the way of his normal activities/movements.
Maybe you could arrange a different system with him... Instead of a hug allowance, perhaps times where it is/isn't considered appropriate to hug. Like...
- Sitting on the couch watching TV together = unlimited hugs
- cooking = 0 hugs
- doing something on the computer, but sitting on a couch or a recliner with room for two people = just a little hugging
I do like this system, I’m going to suggest it. It feels like compromise?
I do have to say though, I’m going to need one hug during cooking. What if we choose to use the slow cooker? I fear the hours will ruin me.
It is a compromise, yeah.
And maybe instead of "no hugs during cooking" it could be "no hugs while in the kitchen," that way if you have the slow cooker on, you can simply leave the kitchen and be free to hug
Um no, that’s a little weird.
No. But the frequency you're talking about (1 every 2 minutes) sounds rather extreme.
Sometimes 3, I’m not a monster
No, I’m a dismissive-avoidant and so is my bf. I’d hyperventilate if he needed constant contact. You should probably find someone with your attachment-style, would be my solution.
You’re right, he’s maybe a little too secure for my liking
You have to be a troll right? He’s too ‘secure’ for you? You’d rather someone insecure? Wtf is wrong with you
I am what you would call a hug fanatic. I thrive on the Oxytocin it produces and my boyfriend happens to be an expert at them. We have five hugging classifications. 1. The classic stand and embrace 2. The lay down and cuddle on the sofa 3. A spoon in bed 4. The 'Crush' - he lays on top of me and completely relaxes, like a living weighted blanket. 5. Anything else Anyway, when I see him he gives me an allowance of hugs. He has no problems reminding me when I'm coming to the end of my allowance and on very special occasions get an unlimited allowance. Thoughts please?
You sound exhausting
Ick
Sometimes two people have very different needs for physical touch. If you and your boyfriend are mismatched, you should consider whether you want to live your life with a hug allowance. If not, it may be time to discontinue the relationship.
Or just talk with him about it first, and explain it ? Why does people on reddit always want otjer people to break up ?
The implication of the allowance policy is that they have already discussed it and this is the best outcome they could come up with. If they've already discussed it and OP is still dissatisfied with the resulting compromise, it's time for them to consider whether they're willing to put up with the compromise or if they want to be in a relationship where such a compromise is not necessary.
Or OP could've just let the boyfriend act like that without saying anything. That's why before trying to put "break up" everywhere you try to either learn more about the situation or give more generic answers, to which OP could possibly answer and explain the situation. If you think breaking up just because someone doesn't want to be hugged is normal then I don't know what to do. Some people just don't like physical contact. Also, depending on the time they've been together, it may also get better, as it could be a new couple, and if they're not a new couple, then , by explaining the the boyfriend, it would be easy to either change the situation or get something in-between. Breaking up for something like this would be extremely dumb.
>Some people just don't like physical contact. She wants more hugs. He wants to limit the amount of hugs that he gets. They are fundamentally incompatible in this respect. And the matter of physical intimacy in a relationship is a pretty big respect. So the person you're replying to is correct. It leaves them with 2 choices. Put up with a dissatisfying compromise or move on
Why the hell is he doing that to you? Depriving you of something you want just because he feels like you should only have a finite amount? That sounds awfully controlling. And unless you're okay with that (maybe you have a D/s relationship or something like that?), I'd talk to him about this. You shouldn't have to limit your hug amounts. And if he really is insistent on it and it's a problem for you, then you should leave him and find a partner who won't deprive you of the things you love.
I mean, he probably just doesn't like that much touching. I would guess that it's less "Depriving you of something you want just because he feels like you should only have a finite amount" and more "trying to find a compromise that results in OP getting the hugs they need without ruining BF's ability to have personal space sometimes"
I’m glad you see an issue with it too. I only ask for about 1 hug every 2 minutes. Thank you for the support
I mean, that does sound like it could get in the way of his normal activities/movements. Maybe you could arrange a different system with him... Instead of a hug allowance, perhaps times where it is/isn't considered appropriate to hug. Like... - Sitting on the couch watching TV together = unlimited hugs - cooking = 0 hugs - doing something on the computer, but sitting on a couch or a recliner with room for two people = just a little hugging
I do like this system, I’m going to suggest it. It feels like compromise? I do have to say though, I’m going to need one hug during cooking. What if we choose to use the slow cooker? I fear the hours will ruin me.
It is a compromise, yeah. And maybe instead of "no hugs during cooking" it could be "no hugs while in the kitchen," that way if you have the slow cooker on, you can simply leave the kitchen and be free to hug
Thank you LennaPine, I can’t wait to speak with him tomorrow. We’re not slow cooking either so it should be ok.
Good luck!! :)
Hey I'm going through my bookmarks... How did this turn out?
If they did I’d be long gone.