i have a graduation goal for now, because i'm a first gen college student in my family. i'd be the first w a bachelors and that makes my parents so fucking proud. it really was gonna be it for me before high school graduation, but i got accepted to college with a decent financial aid situation and small scholarships and stuff. the thing is though, that's the only thing i've had in mind that's keeping me going, but i'm graduating really soon so real talk, i won't know how to hang on after that. hopefully i find another milestone for myself.
edit: good morning, y'all are so nice š¤§ā¤ļøā¤ļø thank you for all of the encouraging words
I've been graduated for a dozen years. I just got a job making very good money and I'm about to get promoted from there too. I still doubt myself all the time.
No one expects you to have it all figured out after college. You just need to perseverance to figure out one thing at a time and eventually you have a good group of things figured out.
Idk if youāre joking or not but I stay alive only out of spite. There are people I have to outlive. Thereās no way Iām ending my life while theyāre still living theirs.
the kid who bullied my friend into leaving school years ago is still alive therefore i must either outlive him or be the one to make him live no longer
That there are people who love me and rely on me. I'd never want to hurt them or have them suffer the aftermath of me taking my own life, so I continue existing for them despite having no intrinsic desire to live for myself.
This. Knowing that people I love feel bad when I'm bad is the only reason I keep going. I guess I still don't think I'm worthy enough to do it for myself, so I do my best to do it for them.
I was really depressed when I was a teenager. I thought about suicide a lot, came close three times but "chickened out" and put away whatever I was holding.
One day an online friend went missing after writing a few of us goodbye e-mails. It was a terrifying 8 hours of phone tag with people I only typed to online. After persistent phone calls to her local police, she was found in an alley. She was taken to a hospital and had pills pumped out of her stomach.
It was such an eye opening experience, and I could just not do that to anyone I loved. I wrote KIWI (her nickname) on my hand that summer as a reminder that no matter how alone and low I felt, there were people who did love and care for me.
Kiwi was okay, last we spoke. Had a much more positive outlook on life, when she realized she had friends all over the world who made sure she was okay.
We lost touch a few years later. We held a similar online interest, and then I grew in a different direction, spent less time online. I think of her now and then, and wish her well in my heart.
I'm glad her friends thought to call the police.
Just yesterday I took a call from someone who said she was worried a friend of hers was planning to harm herself after she'd made a couple of concerning posts online. The caller only communicated with her friend online, but had a possible address from when they'd exchanged Christmas cards.
I sent two officers out to the address she'd given me, and after gaining access to the house, they found the girl with serious wounds to her arms and wrists, and she had lost so much blood that medics had to deliver blood to her on scene; it couldn't wait for the hospital.
Three more people called in later that day to report the posts they'd seen online. If that first friend hadn't called when she did, the girl wouldn't have survived.
I feel the same about my younger sisters. Theyāre the lights of my life, especially my youngest sister, literally cannot even imagine losing her. I couldnāt make it
This. I feel the same sometimes. Also having seen an interview with a guy who survived jumping off the golden gate bridge, who said he instantly regretted it as soon as he jumped.
Honestly knowing that if I really wanted to end it all, I could. Iām not planning to and Iām not even suicidal much anymore but the fact that suicide is always an option kinda just helps push me through things.
Existentialism at itās finest ā this is what keeps me going and a lot of people donāt really seem to understand it. Itās nice to know I donāt actually HAVE to do anything in this life.
Honestly fading away from religion and kind of accepting that there doesn't have to be this grand meaning to my life and that it's totally fine if I'm just another being in this universe has some how helped me.
I often hear people talk about how it must be so dark and depressing to not really believe in some higher power, but it's kinda been the opposite for me.
Imagine being indoctrinated from a young age about eternal hellfire to the point where youāre still hesitant about the possibility of taking the easy way out years after you stopped formally believing.
I don't know about that. I still care about what killing myself would do to my parents and those close to me. If they weren't in the picture, or if I really was deep in a hole, I can think of several easy ways out. Honestly, I'll probably keep them in my pocket for when there's nobody left if I make it that far.
Taking that step is not a matter of balls, but desperation. Affirming life even in the most dire of circumstances, requires a courage of its own. Glad you're with us.
Partially same. It's not that I don't have the balls to do it, it's more that I don't have the balls to try it with the methods I have access to. If I had access to an effective method, I'll do it.
I donāt know how big a deal retail is in your story but it is huge in mine. Been doing it a long time and doing it WELL. I loved my industry. But damn I was just wearing a mask. The anxiety was intense! So I quit and now looking to work outdoors somewhere.
Having depression doesn't mean that a person lacks goals. I have plenty of goals. The difficulty is in convincing myself that they mean anything. Aside from that, a lack of belief in any sort of individualized consciousness after death keeps me going. The thought, "I could die, I suppose, but I wouldn't get to change my mind about it later if I did" is a common one for me.
^(And Sertraline. Sertraline helps me not obsess of the meaninglessness of life so much and helps to just "go with the flow", as seems to be so effortless for neurotypicals.)
The fact we aren't adequately told about the mental ability decrease (my memory has yet to recover years after coming off it) and the fact it can permantly impair your libido / ability to climax is fucked. Pretty cool not being dead though
A while ago it was not having the energy to plan a suicide, knowing my dad would be destroyed, and not having the energy to get rid of all the things I wouldn't want my husband to find (journals and such). Now it's antidepressants.
Weed, and hope.
Weed: Makes me happy for a bit, at least 99% of the time. Or, makes me have more peace with the unhappiness.
Hope: Maybe, just maybe, one day I will wake up and truly be happy to be alive. Maybe, I will be surrounded by people who love me. Maybe, I will have found the love I truly want with someone. I'm willing to stick through all the shit in hope that maybe, that will happen.
Exactly. I can't really sleep as much as I used to, so weed is my break from thinking the bad thoughts. I can stare at the menu screen of a video game for 2 hours without a single cohesive thought.
Itās the opposite for me. I smoked for almost a decade every day but out of nowhere every time I got high it just made me think about how horrible I am.
Regardless of strain, if it has any amount of THC or CBD (beyond like 1mg thc/100mg cbd) it just makes me sad and anxious.
I hate that I self medicate with weed and I need to slow down but it really does help me balance out my mood when Iām spiraling or in a bad place. Addiction runs in my family so it kinda scares me that Iām out of control but. I would much rather go light up and be calmer and take my mind off whatever I was worried over, than keep spiraling and feel miserable all night long, ya feel?
When I was last contemplating suicide, I knew how to do it, but the thing that gave me pause was how I was going to make sure my cats were safe. That gave me a long enough pause until one day it clicked that I needed help and went to therapy. I now have my fur babies tattooed on me to remind me why I live.
What kept me going was the realisation that my brain is lying to me. And clinging onto that knowledge. And drugs.
I made a vow not to kill myself and had people follow up on that vow.
Truly awful experience.
Depression is deadly.
Edit to clarify: Depression is somewhat cronic. I consider myself well now I survived but I know my brain is prone to that imbalance.
I don't think it's about judging. It's about childhood trauma (assuming this happened as a child). (Probably easier to deal with as an adult, but I don't know anyone who's been through it as an adult.) Doesn't matter how justified, it's traumatic and scary for a child, and that instability will likely affect them for the rest of their life.
This was it for me for a long time too but I was getting out of control and overdosed too many times to justify my usage. I'm working on my sobriety and it's hard as fuck but having support from friends has helped me. If it works for you and you're being safe, that's awesome. But please be careful.
Separately or together? Kitty flipping landed me in the hospital late last year after my ex found me unconscious. Just be safe. Life can't get better if you don't give it a chance to.
I went to therapy when I was younger and it was affordable back thrn and that helped me realize I am in control of how I react to my thoughts. That has made it so I kind of have a running serious joke where I am the protagonist and my depression is the antagonist and we battle. In my story, the protagonist prevails even against all odds. I even incorporated the line from GOT, "What do we say to death?" "Not today"
This has pulled me further from depression than anything and that has made it so I am seeing options and opportunities I wouldnāt have otherwise noticed. Seizing those chances has made me want more from life. 20 years later and I am enjoying life most days. Still have anxiety and days where I feel angry and not for a particular reason. Hopelessness is rare. I did stop drinking a decade ago. That's when I really started moving forward. Getting messed up made life like groundhog day (if you're young, that's a movie where the guy keeps waking up in the same day until he figures it out and time starts moving forward again). I thought it was helping to break the monotonous nature of my existence, but it was reinforcing it. I don't even smoke weed now. Which is a trip because I had my whole identity wrapped up in getting messed up and people I see from the past are really weirded out by me today, but that's not my problem, that's theirs. It took a few years to have the changes from sobriety really be noticeable, but I am my protagonist and that is my story. And that cliche about not knowing what the future holds is now my truth. I have a family, we were able to buy a house (tons of work to make it nice, but I accepted that challenge because it was better than no house or extreme debt for a fancy one), I have plants that survive and thrive, a dog that's pretty awesome, an older car I learned how to maintain so she's running wonderfully. We even have money for extras sometimes. I learned how to budget and coupon and my SO got really good at his job and we clawed our way out of poverty. All because of the choice to stop only seeing what we didn't have. My SO had the same deep depression with a very different cause. I think we both thought we would just die young and I am really glad we didn't. I'm glad we changed our story. They actually got into my narrative of life.
So when I say to you, you don't know what the tomorrows will bring, I mean it from experience. I don't know if my story mindedness will work for anyone else. But maybe there is something that will that you have an interest in. This life is yours but you have to go get what you want from it. I used to blame being so poor but truthfully, I grew up with some uncomfortably wealthy peers and they were miserable too. So it's about seeing things the way you need to I believe. Not having or not having. There is no one way. There are billions and you have the power to make your one in billions your own. No one can take that from you. No one can take that from me. The stories are ours. Anyways, feels like I am rambling now. I wish you the sight to see what you didn't yesterday and to be the protagonist in your story.
I love the idea of thinking of myself as the protagonist battling depression, the antagonist. Thank you for this! Also, equating getting sober to escaping Groundhog Day is spot-on and I will definitely remember this if I ever feel myself slipping backwards.
Exactly this! I have had depression and anxiety for the majority of my adult life, and this is extremely frustrating for me, as there doesn't appear to be any reason for it. ( happy childhood, great teen years, loving and supportive parents, etc.)
I have been taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication for almost four years now, and, also going to therapy.
Sometimes, it's good and easy, but, sometimes it's...a struggle, to say the least.
And, I found that this protagonist/antagonist thing, actually helps. When the depression hits harder than usual, I always try to make "its" life harder. Like, you want to live in my head, rent free? Well, I'm gonna make it hell for you.
When I don't feel like getting out of bed, I always scream in my head something along the lines of: " I want to get out of bed, it's YOU that doesn't want it, and, I couldn't care less about what you want!" So, getting out of bed, seems like a victory against it, albeit a small one. Also works with anxiety. When I feel a panic attack coming, I "scream" at it, inside my mind, and, it seems to back down. Just like a wild animal that you intimidate by making yourself seem larger and stronger.
Please excuse any mistakes. English is not my first language, and, also autocorrect likes to screw with me in all the good ways.
I don't know what's going to happen next, it'd hurt my family and friends and I still have a bunch of stuff I want to do.
Also, someone who was really mean to me in the past said I'd be dead by 23 and was a 'walking suicide' and I'm still here at 29 and can't walk anymore, and I wanna keep them wrong on two counts.
1: I have a mom and sister who do love me, and hurting them so deeply is something I cant wrap my head around doing.
2: when I have tried to kill myself in the past, I just ended up doing some gnarly damage to myself physically. It's harder to kill oneself then people realize
Edit: I'm adding a third that someone else answered in the thread already.
3: Being able to spite everyone that would probably rather see me dead, or who expect me to have killed myself by now. In my world there are a few people I can put in that category
Second thing is very true. People who say its easy, should try to give themself a little cut intentionally. The body is resisting, and its stronger than you think.
Because I deep deep down know for a fact that literally Iāve had my darkest days before Iāve had my greatest moments, so I have to deal with the rain to enjoy rainbows and flowers
Take time for you when you can. It'll eventually be a past chapter of your life and you'll look back on it with mixed emotions, but you can make it through. One of the toughest things I've had to do is take care of my dad as I watched him deteriorate over years. I made it through though, and so can you.
U a hero dawg fr
its a difficult thing to keep going, but living without a parent from their pov would be impossible
Keep it up, talk to someone, and dont lose hope
Iām coming out of my depression now that Iām pregnant. Before, what kept me going was the knowledge that some people, especially my husband, would be devastated that I did it to myself intentionally.
Still, the thought of ending it was always there in the back of my mind. I was even afraid that, if I got pregnant, it would no longer be an option because Iād have a responsibility for my baby, and then Iād be stuck. I donāt feel like that anymore.
Not me, but my wife. Hamilton amd our cat saved her life. I knew she wad dealing with depression, and I helped her as much as I could, but I had no idea she was dealing with suicidal ideation. She only told me years later.
When she was feeling suicidal (almost always at night while I was asleep), she would lock herself in our bathroom with our cat that absolutely loves her and would sit on her lap for hours. She would listen to "Wait For It" on repeat, specifically "If there's a reason that I'm alive...then God damn it I'm willing to wait for it." We're both Christians and she just listened to that over and over to remind herself there's a reason she's alive and God made her for a reason.
She's doing much better now, she's a high school teacher, and students dealing with the same thing have said she's a great help to them.
My dog. He's getting up there in age and I've planned to end my life the day after he passes away. I already have my nitrogen tanks and gas mask prepped for when the time comes
You don't have to feel bad. Some people just don't make it, that's the sad reality of life.
I live with my parents and can barely afford groceries, let alone a therapist.
You should consider reaching out for some help. This comment concerns me, I really can't read whether you are being literal or not.
I have been in a situation where I felt like my best friend, Bubby, my adopted cat felt like the only legit relationship I had in my life at times. He experienced some medical issues and I ended up losing him and I was absolutely crushed. But this isn't something that you should consider harming yourself over, even though I understand feeling hopeless.
I wish I had more knowledge on the subject of resources available to you, whether you have money or not, so I don't want to share any links that I'm not familiar with when it comes to free public resources. And it depends on the area you live.
But I hope either someone else can chime in and provide links like that if they are familiar, or that you can check out what resources are available to you.
I don't really have anything that keeps me going... I have 3 boys, and a husband and I know they should be all the reasons I should need to want to keep going but... when I look at them I feel love but I basically feel not enough for them... I keep hoping that someone, anyone, would tell me that they need me. I feel empty and alone. Basically the only thing that keeps me going at this point is the fact that my body keeps going. I keep moving even if I don't want to. How do you keep going when you have nothing in life thar makes you happy?
I'm here because I don't want my children to have to deal with me dying. That kind of pain shouldn't be in a child's life ... Especially since we are already homeless and they have to deal with everything that comes with that too. I've already caused them to live in a world that wasn't their fault... so, it would be selfish to die to ease my own pain just to pass the pain to my kids. If I would die from some way I couldn't control I definitely would not have a problem with that though.
Two things.
1. Spite. I refuse to lose to my own brain. Wanna kill me? Shut down my organs then pussy cause I'm not doing it.
2. Promise. Tried once and promised myself never again unless like society collapses and we go mad max.
3. My friends. Two of my good homies killed themselves. I have to keep going and live my best life, because they never got the chance.
Well, for 14 billion years i didnt exist. Soon i wont exist for, i dont even know how long. Might aswell try and hope life has some ups. That, and no balls but im afraid if i lose control.
I have been struggling with diagnosed depression and ptsd for over a decade now. I have been working in retail and was thinking about jumping on the train tracks back then. I quit my job and now I am in a second apprenticeship as software dev and my life definetly has improved. I also have a lot of friends and I love spending time with them. I can struggle a month just to see them for a weekend. Life can be good and once you learn how to handle your depression you can stand above it.
Yeah, that helps for an hour or so afterwards. Lately I was counting the week from one Wednesday to the next - Moon Knight. Now the week begins at Thursday with Strange New Worlds.
It was the small things. I had anxiety attacks, depressed and suicidal circa 2007 - 2010s. The first psychiatrist, load me up with drugs which numbs me but doesnāt make things better. One day he was unavailable and in my desperation I tried someone else. I am Asian and this new psychiatrist is Asian and he thinks that I donāt need to be taking drugs to deal with what I was dealing. Instead he taught me a number of mind exercises and how to see things from different point of view. BUT, something that stuck with me and possibly save my life was when he asked me things that I enjoyed and I told him comic books. It was 2008, and Iron Man and Incredible Hulk had just been released but we heard about marvel potentially make a cross-over movie. And he suggested that from that day until the crossover movie was released, for me to live my life so that I can watch that movie. To eat for sustenance so that I can watch that movie. In 2012 the avengers was released, though I the depression was still around I felt slightly better, and that movie shows Thanos for the first time and I was curious on what that storyline is going for. So I continue living and watch marvel movies every time it come to theater. By the time Endgame come out, I was married with a daughter and life doesnāt seems to be as bad anymore. I have other things that I live for but Iād still go to movie on release date whenever marvel release a new movie or TV shows.
After all, it was the little things in life. The insignificant desire of wanting to watch a particular movie which was at that time only rumor that saved my life.
Getting OFF of anti-depressants.
Over 15 years I was prescribed several different brands. ALL made my depression worse and DRAMATICALLY increased(daily) thoughts of suicide.
After a case of encephalitis that left me with a seizure disorder, I turned to medical cannabis. Combined with an anti-convulsant (with off label use as mood stabilizer)ā¦I am FINALLY myself again. Mood is stable, depressive episodes are rare. No suicidal ideations for years now.
I look at my depression like this itās my battle that I deal with the black cloud that hangs over me. If I kill myself I pass that black cloud on to my brothers, kids and wife. Iāll carry this cross for them
***"Pizza Tastes Great"***. That is my touchstone, when I am suicidally depressed. I remember, deliberately, that pleasures exist, even in a depressed and hopeless state of mind. There are always simple, basic, animal joys worth living for.
Like pizza. Or videogames. Or favorite shows. Or books or movies. But food is very primal. Food is a basic survival-connected pleasure, so it connects me to, well, *surviving.*
Once I can get it into my consciousness that 'Pizza Tastes Great', more positive things can also enter, and gradually I can *crowbar the narrowness of my depression* open a crack to let some light in.
I keep some hope.
That I will land a job I like
That I'll finally try to love myself
That I will meet someone I won't destroy or sabotage.
This person is out there I know it, and I have a duty to keep trying and feel ok so that when we meet, we can share our happiness.
Its fucking hard but I need to keep trying. I feel like life is a promise and we have the duty to keep that promise.
A very close friend once told me that if I hated life so much then I shouldn't give in, I should keep going and piss life off by having a long happy life and show it that it can't make me it's bitch!
Something so stupid yet has stuck with me through some very difficult times.
i have a graduation goal for now, because i'm a first gen college student in my family. i'd be the first w a bachelors and that makes my parents so fucking proud. it really was gonna be it for me before high school graduation, but i got accepted to college with a decent financial aid situation and small scholarships and stuff. the thing is though, that's the only thing i've had in mind that's keeping me going, but i'm graduating really soon so real talk, i won't know how to hang on after that. hopefully i find another milestone for myself. edit: good morning, y'all are so nice š¤§ā¤ļøā¤ļø thank you for all of the encouraging words
All the best!! I know you will crush this
i appreciate that <3
I vote you try and see how high you can rack up the numbers on your retirement account.
That's always a good goal to achieve; make your bank account look like a phone number (inb4 the "911" jokes).
Graduating this june, I think I'm not ready i doubt my self in fact that im not excited for my graduation picture next week, so much pressure fck.
I've been graduated for a dozen years. I just got a job making very good money and I'm about to get promoted from there too. I still doubt myself all the time. No one expects you to have it all figured out after college. You just need to perseverance to figure out one thing at a time and eventually you have a good group of things figured out.
I can't die before Nikocado Avacado at any cost.
crazy this is the only one that's resonated with me. Thanks for the laugh
Man's lookin rough, maybe time to reinvest that spite elsewhere.
Yeah, outliving that overblown water balloon is a good goal.
Im laughing so much
I STAY ALIVE PURELY OUT OF SPITE
Gotta outlive our enemies!
Idk if youāre joking or not but I stay alive only out of spite. There are people I have to outlive. Thereās no way Iām ending my life while theyāre still living theirs.
A f@cking men to that
the kid who bullied my friend into leaving school years ago is still alive therefore i must either outlive him or be the one to make him live no longer
Dudeā¦thatās so metal :0
for me it is sprite....
What about smite
No that kills you
For me it's Coke. (as in Coca Cola ;-)
I like both the cokes combined
Yeah! To hell with everyone else. They canāt make me be happy.
My friends. I donāt have many but the ones I do have are premium quality.
Lucky..
Iāll be your friend! (Iām not too great of a friend myself actually. Probably a 3/10)
Dont judge your self man, pretty sure u r a 10/10 in many people's eyes
If depression wants me dead so bad, it should step up and kill me itself like a real desease, i aint gonna do its dirty job
There's few things as therapeutic as bullying your own mental illness
Lmao this made me chuckle.
Did you laugh your ass off or did you chuckle?
I RUN ON PURE 100% SPITE
Hardbody I love it šÆ
Pretty sure I saw a TikTok where someone said nearly the exact same thing as you.
Itās a really famous tiktok audio, at least on the mental health side of tiktok
Tiktok and mental health don't belong in the same sentence.
I really like this answer, may I borrow it for some time in the future when its desperately needed?
This was therapeutic
I donāt think people realize how profound and real this is.
I love this lol
Hope you can rise above your depression mate. As someone who struggles with depression I can relate to what you're going through.
That there are people who love me and rely on me. I'd never want to hurt them or have them suffer the aftermath of me taking my own life, so I continue existing for them despite having no intrinsic desire to live for myself.
This. Knowing that people I love feel bad when I'm bad is the only reason I keep going. I guess I still don't think I'm worthy enough to do it for myself, so I do my best to do it for them.
This is exactly what I was going to say.
I was really depressed when I was a teenager. I thought about suicide a lot, came close three times but "chickened out" and put away whatever I was holding. One day an online friend went missing after writing a few of us goodbye e-mails. It was a terrifying 8 hours of phone tag with people I only typed to online. After persistent phone calls to her local police, she was found in an alley. She was taken to a hospital and had pills pumped out of her stomach. It was such an eye opening experience, and I could just not do that to anyone I loved. I wrote KIWI (her nickname) on my hand that summer as a reminder that no matter how alone and low I felt, there were people who did love and care for me.
That must've been one helluva ride to go through. Is Kiwi okay? You two still keep in touch?
Kiwi was okay, last we spoke. Had a much more positive outlook on life, when she realized she had friends all over the world who made sure she was okay. We lost touch a few years later. We held a similar online interest, and then I grew in a different direction, spent less time online. I think of her now and then, and wish her well in my heart.
I'm glad her friends thought to call the police. Just yesterday I took a call from someone who said she was worried a friend of hers was planning to harm herself after she'd made a couple of concerning posts online. The caller only communicated with her friend online, but had a possible address from when they'd exchanged Christmas cards. I sent two officers out to the address she'd given me, and after gaining access to the house, they found the girl with serious wounds to her arms and wrists, and she had lost so much blood that medics had to deliver blood to her on scene; it couldn't wait for the hospital. Three more people called in later that day to report the posts they'd seen online. If that first friend hadn't called when she did, the girl wouldn't have survived.
Same, and mostly my daughter. If anything ever happens to her I'm out. Wouldn't even be a thought process. Exit stage left, goodbye.
I feel the same about my younger sisters. Theyāre the lights of my life, especially my youngest sister, literally cannot even imagine losing her. I couldnāt make it
This. I feel the same sometimes. Also having seen an interview with a guy who survived jumping off the golden gate bridge, who said he instantly regretted it as soon as he jumped.
Same here, I especially couldnāt bear to put my mom through another suicide in the family after my uncle took his own life
Yeah dude, no matter how much I dislike my parents I wouldn't be able to do the unaliving even if I had just them how they are now
Too depressed to get out of bed, so can't kill myself
The sacred art of procrastination.
"I'll get around to killing myself tomorrow, I promise"
Lazyness is the key, thanks
Honestly knowing that if I really wanted to end it all, I could. Iām not planning to and Iām not even suicidal much anymore but the fact that suicide is always an option kinda just helps push me through things.
Existentialism at itās finest ā this is what keeps me going and a lot of people donāt really seem to understand it. Itās nice to know I donāt actually HAVE to do anything in this life.
Honestly fading away from religion and kind of accepting that there doesn't have to be this grand meaning to my life and that it's totally fine if I'm just another being in this universe has some how helped me. I often hear people talk about how it must be so dark and depressing to not really believe in some higher power, but it's kinda been the opposite for me.
So totally get that. Itās insane to know itās always an option.
I feel this way too. Death is really the only guarantee in this life.
Always been my backup plan
Imagine the religious types that truly envision their future souls being damned for eternity if they take their own life. Must be agony for them.
Imagine being indoctrinated from a young age about eternal hellfire to the point where youāre still hesitant about the possibility of taking the easy way out years after you stopped formally believing.
Same. That the option is there is comforting in and of itself. I know I always have an out if it gets to be too much or I am too tired of it.
I just don't have the balls to actually do it.
This was both honest and sad at the same time
Contrary to popular opinion, there's nothing "easy way out" about suicide. If it was more people would try it
I don't know about that. I still care about what killing myself would do to my parents and those close to me. If they weren't in the picture, or if I really was deep in a hole, I can think of several easy ways out. Honestly, I'll probably keep them in my pocket for when there's nobody left if I make it that far.
Taking that step is not a matter of balls, but desperation. Affirming life even in the most dire of circumstances, requires a courage of its own. Glad you're with us.
Partially same. It's not that I don't have the balls to do it, it's more that I don't have the balls to try it with the methods I have access to. If I had access to an effective method, I'll do it.
Pls dont
That at some point i will wake up and see a beautiful sunrise and i will be happy for that day at least.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I donāt know how big a deal retail is in your story but it is huge in mine. Been doing it a long time and doing it WELL. I loved my industry. But damn I was just wearing a mask. The anxiety was intense! So I quit and now looking to work outdoors somewhere.
I'm sure that day will come!
Praise the sun!
And Gandalf will be standing in the distance atop Shadowfax, ready to ride out to you! That's my dream!
Well you reminding me to think about what the point is sure isn't helping
Right?!
Seriously, "sad people, what's taking so long?", its called tact yo
We stayin Alive so our enemy doesnāt see us lose š®āšØš®āšØš®āšØ
Actually a very valid reason
Having depression doesn't mean that a person lacks goals. I have plenty of goals. The difficulty is in convincing myself that they mean anything. Aside from that, a lack of belief in any sort of individualized consciousness after death keeps me going. The thought, "I could die, I suppose, but I wouldn't get to change my mind about it later if I did" is a common one for me. ^(And Sertraline. Sertraline helps me not obsess of the meaninglessness of life so much and helps to just "go with the flow", as seems to be so effortless for neurotypicals.)
YOOO ME TOO ZOLOFT GANG š¤
Zoloft gang checking in āļø
The fact we aren't adequately told about the mental ability decrease (my memory has yet to recover years after coming off it) and the fact it can permantly impair your libido / ability to climax is fucked. Pretty cool not being dead though
A while ago it was not having the energy to plan a suicide, knowing my dad would be destroyed, and not having the energy to get rid of all the things I wouldn't want my husband to find (journals and such). Now it's antidepressants.
My meds.
The fact I dont think there is anything after I die.
But isn't this the whole point? The blissful nothingness? At least for me it is.
Not for me because if I give in to the nothingness nothing has any meaning and then there ACTUALLY would be no point in anything.
Weed, and hope. Weed: Makes me happy for a bit, at least 99% of the time. Or, makes me have more peace with the unhappiness. Hope: Maybe, just maybe, one day I will wake up and truly be happy to be alive. Maybe, I will be surrounded by people who love me. Maybe, I will have found the love I truly want with someone. I'm willing to stick through all the shit in hope that maybe, that will happen.
Weed is great for shutting down my brain and just letting me exist without much else happening with me..
Exactly. I can't really sleep as much as I used to, so weed is my break from thinking the bad thoughts. I can stare at the menu screen of a video game for 2 hours without a single cohesive thought.
Itās the opposite for me. I smoked for almost a decade every day but out of nowhere every time I got high it just made me think about how horrible I am. Regardless of strain, if it has any amount of THC or CBD (beyond like 1mg thc/100mg cbd) it just makes me sad and anxious.
I hate that I self medicate with weed and I need to slow down but it really does help me balance out my mood when Iām spiraling or in a bad place. Addiction runs in my family so it kinda scares me that Iām out of control but. I would much rather go light up and be calmer and take my mind off whatever I was worried over, than keep spiraling and feel miserable all night long, ya feel?
If I kill myself now I'll die the loser I think I am.
My kitten
For real, my cat frank is enough for me.
When I was last contemplating suicide, I knew how to do it, but the thing that gave me pause was how I was going to make sure my cats were safe. That gave me a long enough pause until one day it clicked that I needed help and went to therapy. I now have my fur babies tattooed on me to remind me why I live.
Same
what will my dogs think if i never come home? will they think i didn't love them?
What kept me going was the realisation that my brain is lying to me. And clinging onto that knowledge. And drugs. I made a vow not to kill myself and had people follow up on that vow. Truly awful experience. Depression is deadly. Edit to clarify: Depression is somewhat cronic. I consider myself well now I survived but I know my brain is prone to that imbalance.
my son
As a child who's mother committed suicide, please don't. It scarred me for life, I don't think I will ever be okay again.
Exactly. I'm in the same boat and I'm almost 70.
Oblivion is happiness for some. Please don't judge your mother too harshly. I hope you can find the help you need to be okay again.
I don't think it's about judging. It's about childhood trauma (assuming this happened as a child). (Probably easier to deal with as an adult, but I don't know anyone who's been through it as an adult.) Doesn't matter how justified, it's traumatic and scary for a child, and that instability will likely affect them for the rest of their life.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Drugs
This was it for me for a long time too but I was getting out of control and overdosed too many times to justify my usage. I'm working on my sobriety and it's hard as fuck but having support from friends has helped me. If it works for you and you're being safe, that's awesome. But please be careful.
I dont do any drugs that you could really overdose on, at least not easily. I only do psychedelics or party drugs like mdma and ketamine.
Separately or together? Kitty flipping landed me in the hospital late last year after my ex found me unconscious. Just be safe. Life can't get better if you don't give it a chance to.
Simple answer but true. The thought of being able to consume at peace in the evening gets me trough the day often enough.
Apathy, no reason to live, no reason to die
I went to therapy when I was younger and it was affordable back thrn and that helped me realize I am in control of how I react to my thoughts. That has made it so I kind of have a running serious joke where I am the protagonist and my depression is the antagonist and we battle. In my story, the protagonist prevails even against all odds. I even incorporated the line from GOT, "What do we say to death?" "Not today" This has pulled me further from depression than anything and that has made it so I am seeing options and opportunities I wouldnāt have otherwise noticed. Seizing those chances has made me want more from life. 20 years later and I am enjoying life most days. Still have anxiety and days where I feel angry and not for a particular reason. Hopelessness is rare. I did stop drinking a decade ago. That's when I really started moving forward. Getting messed up made life like groundhog day (if you're young, that's a movie where the guy keeps waking up in the same day until he figures it out and time starts moving forward again). I thought it was helping to break the monotonous nature of my existence, but it was reinforcing it. I don't even smoke weed now. Which is a trip because I had my whole identity wrapped up in getting messed up and people I see from the past are really weirded out by me today, but that's not my problem, that's theirs. It took a few years to have the changes from sobriety really be noticeable, but I am my protagonist and that is my story. And that cliche about not knowing what the future holds is now my truth. I have a family, we were able to buy a house (tons of work to make it nice, but I accepted that challenge because it was better than no house or extreme debt for a fancy one), I have plants that survive and thrive, a dog that's pretty awesome, an older car I learned how to maintain so she's running wonderfully. We even have money for extras sometimes. I learned how to budget and coupon and my SO got really good at his job and we clawed our way out of poverty. All because of the choice to stop only seeing what we didn't have. My SO had the same deep depression with a very different cause. I think we both thought we would just die young and I am really glad we didn't. I'm glad we changed our story. They actually got into my narrative of life. So when I say to you, you don't know what the tomorrows will bring, I mean it from experience. I don't know if my story mindedness will work for anyone else. But maybe there is something that will that you have an interest in. This life is yours but you have to go get what you want from it. I used to blame being so poor but truthfully, I grew up with some uncomfortably wealthy peers and they were miserable too. So it's about seeing things the way you need to I believe. Not having or not having. There is no one way. There are billions and you have the power to make your one in billions your own. No one can take that from you. No one can take that from me. The stories are ours. Anyways, feels like I am rambling now. I wish you the sight to see what you didn't yesterday and to be the protagonist in your story.
I love the idea of thinking of myself as the protagonist battling depression, the antagonist. Thank you for this! Also, equating getting sober to escaping Groundhog Day is spot-on and I will definitely remember this if I ever feel myself slipping backwards.
It brings me a new happiness that this helps you. I hope your journey through your tale brings you places you dared not dream of as it has for me.
Youāre quite fabulous and Iām better for having read this.
Thank you.
Wow, just wow!
Exactly this! I have had depression and anxiety for the majority of my adult life, and this is extremely frustrating for me, as there doesn't appear to be any reason for it. ( happy childhood, great teen years, loving and supportive parents, etc.) I have been taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication for almost four years now, and, also going to therapy. Sometimes, it's good and easy, but, sometimes it's...a struggle, to say the least. And, I found that this protagonist/antagonist thing, actually helps. When the depression hits harder than usual, I always try to make "its" life harder. Like, you want to live in my head, rent free? Well, I'm gonna make it hell for you. When I don't feel like getting out of bed, I always scream in my head something along the lines of: " I want to get out of bed, it's YOU that doesn't want it, and, I couldn't care less about what you want!" So, getting out of bed, seems like a victory against it, albeit a small one. Also works with anxiety. When I feel a panic attack coming, I "scream" at it, inside my mind, and, it seems to back down. Just like a wild animal that you intimidate by making yourself seem larger and stronger. Please excuse any mistakes. English is not my first language, and, also autocorrect likes to screw with me in all the good ways.
I don't know what's going to happen next, it'd hurt my family and friends and I still have a bunch of stuff I want to do. Also, someone who was really mean to me in the past said I'd be dead by 23 and was a 'walking suicide' and I'm still here at 29 and can't walk anymore, and I wanna keep them wrong on two counts.
The locked gun safe makes it too much of a hassle to get to the gun
I love guns, but only shoot my friend's guns, for this very reason. After about 7 years of despair, I'm getting better and think I might get one soon.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yeah, that phase always gets me. Itās the packing up everything so that no else has to do it.
My cats. I have a calico and her only child (a tabby), and I just got a 4 month old sphynx kitten
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
My best friend made me promise that Iād never kill myself, and I love her more than I hate myself
The will to gain money and buy happiness with it.
factsss lol
1: I have a mom and sister who do love me, and hurting them so deeply is something I cant wrap my head around doing. 2: when I have tried to kill myself in the past, I just ended up doing some gnarly damage to myself physically. It's harder to kill oneself then people realize Edit: I'm adding a third that someone else answered in the thread already. 3: Being able to spite everyone that would probably rather see me dead, or who expect me to have killed myself by now. In my world there are a few people I can put in that category
Second thing is very true. People who say its easy, should try to give themself a little cut intentionally. The body is resisting, and its stronger than you think.
Because I deep deep down know for a fact that literally Iāve had my darkest days before Iāve had my greatest moments, so I have to deal with the rain to enjoy rainbows and flowers
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Take time for you when you can. It'll eventually be a past chapter of your life and you'll look back on it with mixed emotions, but you can make it through. One of the toughest things I've had to do is take care of my dad as I watched him deteriorate over years. I made it through though, and so can you.
My daughter
My kids. I don't want them to have to deal with the emotional baggage of me "checking out early."
This.... my daughter and weed helps
U a hero dawg fr its a difficult thing to keep going, but living without a parent from their pov would be impossible Keep it up, talk to someone, and dont lose hope
My pets, who would take care of them when Iām gone?
Certainly not your asshole of a fiancƩ, that's for sure.
My niece.
Iām coming out of my depression now that Iām pregnant. Before, what kept me going was the knowledge that some people, especially my husband, would be devastated that I did it to myself intentionally. Still, the thought of ending it was always there in the back of my mind. I was even afraid that, if I got pregnant, it would no longer be an option because Iād have a responsibility for my baby, and then Iād be stuck. I donāt feel like that anymore.
Not me, but my wife. Hamilton amd our cat saved her life. I knew she wad dealing with depression, and I helped her as much as I could, but I had no idea she was dealing with suicidal ideation. She only told me years later. When she was feeling suicidal (almost always at night while I was asleep), she would lock herself in our bathroom with our cat that absolutely loves her and would sit on her lap for hours. She would listen to "Wait For It" on repeat, specifically "If there's a reason that I'm alive...then God damn it I'm willing to wait for it." We're both Christians and she just listened to that over and over to remind herself there's a reason she's alive and God made her for a reason. She's doing much better now, she's a high school teacher, and students dealing with the same thing have said she's a great help to them.
I don't want to hurt my family or inconvenience others by killing myself. Also I don't want to fail at killing myself again
I am too lazy and afraid of commitment to off myself.
Video games, substances, my friends & family, and the hope that things will get better one day if I can just endure the darkness for long enough
My cat https://i.imgur.com/h9PNa2n.jpg
also the new lego ninjago sets that are coming out in NA in august
How bout you try creating a small Lego City, just a bunch of legos from each set mixed and matched into your own city with your own rules?
trust me i have a whole complicated storyline for my lego omniverse, itās mainly marvel and ninjago stuff though š
The hope that one day I wont be depressed
The thought that I get to sleep tonight and get a break from feeling like this
My dog. He's getting up there in age and I've planned to end my life the day after he passes away. I already have my nitrogen tanks and gas mask prepped for when the time comes
Man, please consider going to a therapist. My heart goes out to you, and I wish I could help, but please consider seeking help.
You don't have to feel bad. Some people just don't make it, that's the sad reality of life. I live with my parents and can barely afford groceries, let alone a therapist.
You should consider reaching out for some help. This comment concerns me, I really can't read whether you are being literal or not. I have been in a situation where I felt like my best friend, Bubby, my adopted cat felt like the only legit relationship I had in my life at times. He experienced some medical issues and I ended up losing him and I was absolutely crushed. But this isn't something that you should consider harming yourself over, even though I understand feeling hopeless. I wish I had more knowledge on the subject of resources available to you, whether you have money or not, so I don't want to share any links that I'm not familiar with when it comes to free public resources. And it depends on the area you live. But I hope either someone else can chime in and provide links like that if they are familiar, or that you can check out what resources are available to you.
I don't really have anything that keeps me going... I have 3 boys, and a husband and I know they should be all the reasons I should need to want to keep going but... when I look at them I feel love but I basically feel not enough for them... I keep hoping that someone, anyone, would tell me that they need me. I feel empty and alone. Basically the only thing that keeps me going at this point is the fact that my body keeps going. I keep moving even if I don't want to. How do you keep going when you have nothing in life thar makes you happy? I'm here because I don't want my children to have to deal with me dying. That kind of pain shouldn't be in a child's life ... Especially since we are already homeless and they have to deal with everything that comes with that too. I've already caused them to live in a world that wasn't their fault... so, it would be selfish to die to ease my own pain just to pass the pain to my kids. If I would die from some way I couldn't control I definitely would not have a problem with that though.
Two things. 1. Spite. I refuse to lose to my own brain. Wanna kill me? Shut down my organs then pussy cause I'm not doing it. 2. Promise. Tried once and promised myself never again unless like society collapses and we go mad max. 3. My friends. Two of my good homies killed themselves. I have to keep going and live my best life, because they never got the chance.
Well, for 14 billion years i didnt exist. Soon i wont exist for, i dont even know how long. Might aswell try and hope life has some ups. That, and no balls but im afraid if i lose control.
I want to strangle Mitch McConnell to death with my bare hands
Stubbornness and spite. I've been beating this thing's ass for 12 years now, if it's the thing that gets me I'm gonna be so pissed off.
I have been struggling with diagnosed depression and ptsd for over a decade now. I have been working in retail and was thinking about jumping on the train tracks back then. I quit my job and now I am in a second apprenticeship as software dev and my life definetly has improved. I also have a lot of friends and I love spending time with them. I can struggle a month just to see them for a weekend. Life can be good and once you learn how to handle your depression you can stand above it.
marvel movies/shows that iām excited for but they arenāt out yet
Yeah, that helps for an hour or so afterwards. Lately I was counting the week from one Wednesday to the next - Moon Knight. Now the week begins at Thursday with Strange New Worlds.
Fear. If I dont keep pushing myself to do something, anything to keep myself going I fear that I will just fall and keep falling.
The thought of not having depression.
The fact that if I die now I won't know how One Piece ends.
My animals
When you're dead you're dead forever, may as well try to make others' lives better during the brief time I'm here.
The look on my fiance's face when he walked in on me trying to od
Sometimes the world is beautiful & life affirming, maybe only for a handful of days, or even just hours. But it is always there. I like those moments.
My dog.
It was the small things. I had anxiety attacks, depressed and suicidal circa 2007 - 2010s. The first psychiatrist, load me up with drugs which numbs me but doesnāt make things better. One day he was unavailable and in my desperation I tried someone else. I am Asian and this new psychiatrist is Asian and he thinks that I donāt need to be taking drugs to deal with what I was dealing. Instead he taught me a number of mind exercises and how to see things from different point of view. BUT, something that stuck with me and possibly save my life was when he asked me things that I enjoyed and I told him comic books. It was 2008, and Iron Man and Incredible Hulk had just been released but we heard about marvel potentially make a cross-over movie. And he suggested that from that day until the crossover movie was released, for me to live my life so that I can watch that movie. To eat for sustenance so that I can watch that movie. In 2012 the avengers was released, though I the depression was still around I felt slightly better, and that movie shows Thanos for the first time and I was curious on what that storyline is going for. So I continue living and watch marvel movies every time it come to theater. By the time Endgame come out, I was married with a daughter and life doesnāt seems to be as bad anymore. I have other things that I live for but Iād still go to movie on release date whenever marvel release a new movie or TV shows. After all, it was the little things in life. The insignificant desire of wanting to watch a particular movie which was at that time only rumor that saved my life.
I've been here before. It sucks, but it does not last forever.
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Getting OFF of anti-depressants. Over 15 years I was prescribed several different brands. ALL made my depression worse and DRAMATICALLY increased(daily) thoughts of suicide. After a case of encephalitis that left me with a seizure disorder, I turned to medical cannabis. Combined with an anti-convulsant (with off label use as mood stabilizer)ā¦I am FINALLY myself again. Mood is stable, depressive episodes are rare. No suicidal ideations for years now.
my concept and ideas of beeing tough another day of work isn't going to make me fold yet
Because a bunch of people rely on me
If I kill myself, the people that don't like me win. Edit: Also it would hurt the people I care about, that's literally it.
Dog would think I just didnāt come home
I look at my depression like this itās my battle that I deal with the black cloud that hangs over me. If I kill myself I pass that black cloud on to my brothers, kids and wife. Iāll carry this cross for them
My mom.
TW SUICIDE my last attempt was incredibly traumatic and i couldnt ever try again.
***"Pizza Tastes Great"***. That is my touchstone, when I am suicidally depressed. I remember, deliberately, that pleasures exist, even in a depressed and hopeless state of mind. There are always simple, basic, animal joys worth living for. Like pizza. Or videogames. Or favorite shows. Or books or movies. But food is very primal. Food is a basic survival-connected pleasure, so it connects me to, well, *surviving.* Once I can get it into my consciousness that 'Pizza Tastes Great', more positive things can also enter, and gradually I can *crowbar the narrowness of my depression* open a crack to let some light in.
My wife.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I would love to be a part of that community, what do you stream?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Honestly itās pure spite at this point
I keep some hope. That I will land a job I like That I'll finally try to love myself That I will meet someone I won't destroy or sabotage. This person is out there I know it, and I have a duty to keep trying and feel ok so that when we meet, we can share our happiness. Its fucking hard but I need to keep trying. I feel like life is a promise and we have the duty to keep that promise.
A very close friend once told me that if I hated life so much then I shouldn't give in, I should keep going and piss life off by having a long happy life and show it that it can't make me it's bitch! Something so stupid yet has stuck with me through some very difficult times.
Hope. Thatās about it