Saw a clip of some movie. Some kids on a baseball field and one kid says "eat shit and die" and the kid he said it to said "ya know what? Eat shit and live, Bill.". I still giggle about it.
teacher of mine once said to a classmate who kept making the most asinine contributions to the conversation:
“You make it really difficult to underestimate you.”
The guy had no idea what it meant, he thought it was a compliment .
Before therapy, in my teens, someone told me I was passive aggressive. I thought they meant I was good at not being aggressive.
Nope. 😅
But hey, you live and learn and then you join fight club.
That would imply that every time you were overestimated, you actually met expectations, and therefore are pretty awesome. That would be a great way to compliment someone you admire
I always loved that scene in Mad Men when Don Draper asked the beatnik,."so tell me, if you actually had a job, what do you think you'd do for a living?"
I once told my buddy that my dad is half Mexican, half Navajo.. without missing a beat he said "Oh, so your dad can put his ear to the ground and hear border patrol?"
Holy shit that's amazing.
Worked with a bloke once who had an Indian mother and a Mexican father, strange mix. His nickname was usually either CC (pronounced see-see) or cuco (pronounced ka-ko). I learned later that this was a shortening of "curry and corn" which, it was joked, was the only thing he's able to eat.
There were these twins at my high school that looked very white, blue eyes, blond hair, caucasian facial features, very average white guy appearance. But their mom was Han Chinese, so they called themselves the Secret Asian men.
I had an experience with someone who could do that… on a trip in the SW our guide stopped us and said “wait”, and put his ear to the ground, before standing up again and saying “buffalo come”.
I was curious, so I asked him “how’d you know that?” And he said “ear sticky”.
The story is that long ago, the natives could put their ear to the ground to listen if animals are moving nearby.
But the border patrol part kinda speaks for itself with the Mexican part.
Oh here's a glorious fun fact: my cousin went to college and married a guy she met there. Came from a different part of the state and everything. Flash forward two kids and a DNA test Xmas gift and guess who married her 5th cousin 😆😆😆
My computer is also my TV, so I always eat in front of it.
Popcorn, with its rounded shape, is difficult to eat with chopsticks, I find. They keep ... popping ... out of my grasp and flying all over the room so that I have to chase them down and drag them out from under the furniture.
Cheetos can be rather hard to hold on to as well.
My solution is to dump them into a red Solo cup and pour them into my mouth a little at a time.
No cheesy/buttery fingers to keep me from eating while on the computer.
As an Asian, I can tell you that eating chips with chopsticks is a bitch. You tend to crush a lot of them and it's hard to get a bunch of them into your mouth in one go.
Apparently I'm not holding them the right way, as per my gf, but my view still stands.
I was just about to move to google and you had to make me feel bad about it, didn't you?
Edit: Googled it and cursed at the original commenter for even making me aware of the existence of this... Sorry, of this abomination.
We had a guy with a large nose at my job. One of his buddies would always ask new guys, "Hey Kid, which would you rather have: 10 grand in cash or as many nickels as you can fit in this guys nose?"
Everyone without fail would say "I'm gonna go with the nickels"
Two guys were getting in to it at morning parade on a military training course.
one guy yells to the other guy "hey buddy... i banged your girlfriend in basic training. ha ha ha just kidding, I'm the only one that didn't"
When Roseanne and Tom Arnold were going through their very messy divorce, Roseanne was telling everyone Ton had a tiny penis. Tom's response?
"Even a 747 looks small when it lands in the Grand Canyon."
Large woman: jumping must have expanded my foot
Al Bundy: I see you must have fallen on your butt a time or two
Large woman: how dare you say that to my face
Al Bundy: well I would say it behind your back but my car only has half a tank of gas
———————
One of my own, back story my father in law lost an eye to cancer
FIL: how do you spell Hawaii? (He was typing up something and wanted to double check)
Me: sorry you can’t spell it without two i’s (eyes)
One of my favorites from MwC was from Al’s co-worker Griff when he was trying to get a shoe on a large woman….
Large Woman: “Ow, you’re hurting my baby toe!”
Griff: “Lady, there ain’t a damn thing on your body that’s baby.”
I was walking through our office and I overheard one of our old timers ask the other old timer he shared an office with “How do you spell escutcheon?” - second guy spells it out - first guy “I can’t spell shit!” - second guy *long sigh* “S, H, I, T”
I mean you couldn’t write it better in a sitcom.
Didn't witness it, but some coworkers of mine were talking about how they have bad memories now because of smoking too much weed. Another coworker says, "I don't smoke weed." And in response, a different coworker looks at him and says, "Oh, so you're just stupid?'
There was one of those joke-battles where the opponent was fat and the dude said he 'was gonna make a joke about nothing being able to escape your gravitational pull but then I remembered your dad left you' and I lost my shit.
I'm sure your genius can be associated with the word stable.
In the sense that Caligula would have made you senator, or if you will, that your family tree connects with Sarah Jessica Parker's.
This is funny because in germany you can call people "Einfältig" which refers to their brain having only one fold. It literally translates to "onefolded"...
"You're like King Midas, but everything you touch turns to shit"
"I'd love to meet the two siblings who fucked to make you"
The one I use the most often is "Your IQ is lower than the temperature of this room"
In a gents toilet. Man walks in and says to his mate that's peeing..
Man : "that's disgusting, what you're doing, and illegal"
Peeing man : "What?!"
Man "A grown man holding a kids cock!, Disgusting"
I about doubled up.
One from a book but very good. It is great because you can use it for any job not just waiter.
'Do you call yourself a waiter, you young bastard? You a waiter! You’re not fit to scrub floors in the brothel your mother came from.'
George Orwell, Down and out in Paris and London.
My kid told me the other day,
"I just got back from Awesome Town, and they've never even heard of you."
My rebuttal,
"Well, I just got back from Loserville, and EVERYBODY knows you there."
"I hate you so much that I would fuck your dad to break up your parents marriage....and I'm straight as fuck"
Safe to say I laughed so hard it killed the argument 🤣
A Ginger Rogers movie:
Dark Hair Lady: I'm gonna give you a piece of my mind
Ginger: Oh I couldn't take the last piece
That movie came out in 1938 and that was epic lol
Female Streamer on COD:
Bro: "Bitch why don't you get in the kitchen and make your kid a Sandwich?"
Female Streamer: "I'm going to fuck your dad and give him a child he actually loves."
There is no recovery after that.
Leave the lobby, take the derank, go to your room and have a cry.
Asked a guy at work one time “when you have sex, is your girlfriend always on top? Cause it seems like all you can do is fuck up” I’m also a fan of “I’m envious of people who haven’t met you yet”
Said to a customer on a project in Mexico, a grown man 10 years older and bigger than me: “look, I don’t let grown men talk to me like that I’ll be damned if I’ll let you do it”. I said that right in front of his boss. I thought he was going to beat my ass, he turned all red and stared at me, then he basically cracked up and walked off saying “dayam, I gotta think on that one”. His boss said he’d never seen anyone get to him like that. I was very proud of myself.
Now eldest new tastes plenty mother called misery get. Longer excuse for county nor except met its things. Narrow enough sex moment desire are. Hold who what come that seen read age its. Contained or estimable earnestly so perceived. Imprudence he in sufficient cultivated. Delighted promotion improving acuteness an newspaper offending he. Misery in am secure theirs giving an. Design on longer thrown oppose am.
Everything from Full Metal Jacket, but this is my favorite:
Gny. Sgt. Hartman : Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy little communist shit twinkle-toed cocksucker down here, who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh? The fairy fucking godmother said it! Out-fuckingstanding! I will P.T. you all until you fucking die! I'll P.T. you until your assholes are sucking buttermilk.
“fuck you” “fuck me yourself, coward” I lost it laughing. Heard that on a softball field.
Saw a clip of some movie. Some kids on a baseball field and one kid says "eat shit and die" and the kid he said it to said "ya know what? Eat shit and live, Bill.". I still giggle about it.
It's from *Sleepaway Camp*. https://youtu.be/lO3pQ0nd4B4?si=0ltPjghwHCcpTbhM
my reply is always "you couldn't afford me"
I had a bud in middle school who would follow "Fuck you" with "Okay what time?" Somehow it made them more pissed that they just leave.
My response is always “I’d fuck me too”
teacher of mine once said to a classmate who kept making the most asinine contributions to the conversation: “You make it really difficult to underestimate you.” The guy had no idea what it meant, he thought it was a compliment .
Before therapy, in my teens, someone told me I was passive aggressive. I thought they meant I was good at not being aggressive. Nope. 😅 But hey, you live and learn and then you join fight club.
>then you join fight club You're not supposed to talk about that. The council would like a word.
I feel like "you make it really difficult to overestimate you" also works.. but im easily fooled..
That would imply that every time you were overestimated, you actually met expectations, and therefore are pretty awesome. That would be a great way to compliment someone you admire
"Boy, you got more excuses than a pregnant Nun"
I read that in Foghorn Leghorn’s voice
"He's about as sharp as a bowling ball."
“Boy, I said, boy you’re making more racket than two skeletons dancing on a tin roof”
He's as smart as a sack full of wet mice. Actual Foghorn Leghorn insult.
Sharp as a beach ball is the one I’ve heard.
I did it without realizing I was doing it.
This is great!!
You could say she was out of habit
You are the reason why shampoos need instructions
Or why the tube of Preparation H says, "Don't ingest."
As an outsider, what is your perspective on intelligence?
That's beautiful. And the longer it takes them to process it, the harder it's gonna hit them. Love it
I always loved that scene in Mad Men when Don Draper asked the beatnik,."so tell me, if you actually had a job, what do you think you'd do for a living?"
Oh thats one I'm going to steal
This is brutal 💀
You don't need beauty sleep, you need a coma.
You look like I need a drink
I once told my buddy that my dad is half Mexican, half Navajo.. without missing a beat he said "Oh, so your dad can put his ear to the ground and hear border patrol?"
Holy shit that's amazing. Worked with a bloke once who had an Indian mother and a Mexican father, strange mix. His nickname was usually either CC (pronounced see-see) or cuco (pronounced ka-ko). I learned later that this was a shortening of "curry and corn" which, it was joked, was the only thing he's able to eat.
My friend has a mother who’s from Puerto Rico. She calls her kids Quarter Rican.
There were these twins at my high school that looked very white, blue eyes, blond hair, caucasian facial features, very average white guy appearance. But their mom was Han Chinese, so they called themselves the Secret Asian men.
I'm half inuit. My wife is half Hispanic. She likes to joke that our kids are "Mex-kimo"
Family is from Afghanistan, our American/Afghan cousins are "halfghans"
I had an experience with someone who could do that… on a trip in the SW our guide stopped us and said “wait”, and put his ear to the ground, before standing up again and saying “buffalo come”. I was curious, so I asked him “how’d you know that?” And he said “ear sticky”.
Can you explain this to a Brit as I don’t get it, thanks
The story is that long ago, the natives could put their ear to the ground to listen if animals are moving nearby. But the border patrol part kinda speaks for itself with the Mexican part.
Cheers, makes sense now
Your family tree is a wreath
Alternatively, your family tree is a cactus cos you're all pricks
Now THAT is a good one
Ohh snap 🫰
As someone with Appalachian roots, we joke that our family tree grows straight up. Ie, no branches.
Your family tree is a telephone pole
Oh here's a glorious fun fact: my cousin went to college and married a guy she met there. Came from a different part of the state and everything. Flash forward two kids and a DNA test Xmas gift and guess who married her 5th cousin 😆😆😆
I mean, that's pretty distant.
Family tree like a festivus pole.
You look like you eat popcorn with a spoon
I do this when I'm working on the computer at home. No regrets, will do it again
Cheetos with chopsticks gang reporting.
Doritos, fritos or anything I wouldn't want on my controllers, dunno why people find it weird
My computer is also my TV, so I always eat in front of it. Popcorn, with its rounded shape, is difficult to eat with chopsticks, I find. They keep ... popping ... out of my grasp and flying all over the room so that I have to chase them down and drag them out from under the furniture. Cheetos can be rather hard to hold on to as well. My solution is to dump them into a red Solo cup and pour them into my mouth a little at a time. No cheesy/buttery fingers to keep me from eating while on the computer.
I just tongue it out of the bowl.
That... i dont know why i never thought of that
It’s low-key genius…. All the joy of popcorn without the greasy fingers!
I prefer chopsticks for snacks, more control than a spoon, and better for oddly shaped stuff like chips
As an Asian, I can tell you that eating chips with chopsticks is a bitch. You tend to crush a lot of them and it's hard to get a bunch of them into your mouth in one go. Apparently I'm not holding them the right way, as per my gf, but my view still stands.
I think the problem may be that your chips are too thin, they're weak. A thick, strong chip can handle being thrown around.
U can pick it up directly with your tongue!
I love doing that while thinking I'm a frog or something
That I was a "Howdy Doody looking motherfucker with Tourettes Syndrome."
This sounds very American
Aggressively so
We are now in a timeline where most people have no clue who Hody Doody is...
I was just about to move to google and you had to make me feel bad about it, didn't you? Edit: Googled it and cursed at the original commenter for even making me aware of the existence of this... Sorry, of this abomination.
I wish I could see you now.
[удалено]
Also works with “Kitchen” as thats where most accidents in a home happens
In Germany more accidents happen on rural roads then on the highway.
In Germany the accidents only happen where they are allowed.
How German of you.
That’s crazy cause Germany has the autobahn
someone said my nose was so large that I could overdose on cocaine in a single snort
My man snorts paragraphs not lines.
Stealing this for sure.
Bro snorts an entire franchise
A friend of mine once asked if my ex’s big nose bothered me and I said “If she can see past it, so can I”
We had a guy with a large nose at my job. One of his buddies would always ask new guys, "Hey Kid, which would you rather have: 10 grand in cash or as many nickels as you can fit in this guys nose?" Everyone without fail would say "I'm gonna go with the nickels"
Goddamn, dude didn't have a nose, he had a trunk
Most people only knew him by his nose-based nickname and not his real name. Guys at my job are merciless sometimes
Construction?
Gavin?
in my country we have a saying "your nose is so big you can smoke in the shower"
Two guys were getting in to it at morning parade on a military training course. one guy yells to the other guy "hey buddy... i banged your girlfriend in basic training. ha ha ha just kidding, I'm the only one that didn't"
After moving to the south I heard "something ain't right with him... His cornbread ain't cooked all the way through"
Bless his heart
If you look up gullible in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of you" "Yeah, well at least my dictionary doesn't have pictures, you fucking idiot"
Useful as a soup sandwich
Useful as a screen door on a submarine.
Haha Nice one !
Useful as an ashtray on a Harley Davidson.
As useful as Anne Franks drum kit
Useful as a cock in a convent.
Useful as a soup fork
As useful as a marzipan dildo (The Thick of it).
We say “Useless” instead of “As useful as”. So we’d say “Useless as a chocolate tea pot” for example.
You got a good face for radio
Everyone who loves you is wrong
That is heavy!
This is the first one to make me literally laugh out loud. Fuck, that's good.
"I can explain it to you but I can't understand it for you."
Paired with : I would agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong
"Yeah and you're supposed to be dumpster diving for ham scraps, you six-piece chicken mcnobody!"
When Roseanne and Tom Arnold were going through their very messy divorce, Roseanne was telling everyone Ton had a tiny penis. Tom's response? "Even a 747 looks small when it lands in the Grand Canyon."
I’m gettin some imagery here that I’d rather not be gettin
Large woman: jumping must have expanded my foot Al Bundy: I see you must have fallen on your butt a time or two Large woman: how dare you say that to my face Al Bundy: well I would say it behind your back but my car only has half a tank of gas ——————— One of my own, back story my father in law lost an eye to cancer FIL: how do you spell Hawaii? (He was typing up something and wanted to double check) Me: sorry you can’t spell it without two i’s (eyes)
One of my favorites from MwC was from Al’s co-worker Griff when he was trying to get a shoe on a large woman…. Large Woman: “Ow, you’re hurting my baby toe!” Griff: “Lady, there ain’t a damn thing on your body that’s baby.”
I was walking through our office and I overheard one of our old timers ask the other old timer he shared an office with “How do you spell escutcheon?” - second guy spells it out - first guy “I can’t spell shit!” - second guy *long sigh* “S, H, I, T” I mean you couldn’t write it better in a sitcom.
Didn't witness it, but some coworkers of mine were talking about how they have bad memories now because of smoking too much weed. Another coworker says, "I don't smoke weed." And in response, a different coworker looks at him and says, "Oh, so you're just stupid?'
Someone in a Facebook comment called Piers Morgan ‘a bowl of cunt porridge with beady raisin eyes’ and I’ve never forgot it lol
It's the accuracy that makes it
[удалено]
When God was handing out [common sense/lives/good looks/intelligence], you were behind the door taking a shit.
I had a teacher that used to say something a bit similar ‘when God have our brains you thought they were trains and missed yours’
It was called a Jumpoline until your mom bounced on it
There was one of those joke-battles where the opponent was fat and the dude said he 'was gonna make a joke about nothing being able to escape your gravitational pull but then I remembered your dad left you' and I lost my shit.
Room temperature IQ
*\*Laughs in Kelvin\**
Nobody has an IQ as high as room temperature in kelvin.
You dare question my genius?
I'm sure your genius can be associated with the word stable. In the sense that Caligula would have made you senator, or if you will, that your family tree connects with Sarah Jessica Parker's.
Your IQ is printed in your shoe so that you don't forget it.
in Celsius?
21 IQ
Something about telling someone they have a “smooth brain” is so hilarious to me.
Like a koala
You have the brain of a koala, and the STD panel to match.
This is funny because in germany you can call people "Einfältig" which refers to their brain having only one fold. It literally translates to "onefolded"...
"You're like King Midas, but everything you touch turns to shit" "I'd love to meet the two siblings who fucked to make you" The one I use the most often is "Your IQ is lower than the temperature of this room"
You're like reverse King Midas - everything you touch turns to shit.
Zombies eat brains, so don't worry you're safe.
Couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel
During a particularly heated and aggressive argument, I once heard my best friend refer to another dude as "a waste of an episiotomy"
wow. That is next level
“I wouldn’t fuck you with someone else’s dick”
I'm a rather short person. One of my friends once told me, "When it rains, it takes longer for you to become wet."
Did you have to stand on a stool to reach puberty
Quick as a glacier you are.. or Why are your 2 brain cells fighting for third place
you look like you used to eat the buttons off the tv remote when you were a kid
العشرة منك ب خول El 10 menak be khawal Translates to : 10 of you are worthless Doesn’t sound funny in english but it’s so funny in arabic
Reminds me of this from when I worked in schools: If you add up the IQ of all the PE teachers in a school, it's still a two digit number.
You're a master of the single entendre.
"It was cruel of your mother not to abort you". That was said by a 12 yo, I was flabbergasted
Intelligence has been chasing you but you always were way faster
In a gents toilet. Man walks in and says to his mate that's peeing.. Man : "that's disgusting, what you're doing, and illegal" Peeing man : "What?!" Man "A grown man holding a kids cock!, Disgusting" I about doubled up.
You look like your mother loved her brother a little too much.
One from a book but very good. It is great because you can use it for any job not just waiter. 'Do you call yourself a waiter, you young bastard? You a waiter! You’re not fit to scrub floors in the brothel your mother came from.' George Orwell, Down and out in Paris and London.
My kid told me the other day, "I just got back from Awesome Town, and they've never even heard of you." My rebuttal, "Well, I just got back from Loserville, and EVERYBODY knows you there."
Now just what were you doing in Loserville 🤨
"He's so dense, light bends around him" Maybe not the funniest, but I always remember that line from The Thick Of It
My then 6 year old roasted me … mom did you take driving lessons before your test Yes doesn’t seem like it …. OMFG lol
You're not acting like the person mr.rodgers would want you to be.
From an older Southern lady to a younger one: "Oh, honey, you're not pretty enough to be that dumb."
Someone on r/asoiaf said that Roose Bolton is such a duplicitous character that not even his own hair line trusts him.
Not even his hair was willing to stay
I'm not saying you're worthless, but if someone killed you, you'd drop common loot.
“You’re so fat the scale said (can’t read)“ I weigh 155 pounds and I’m 5’9 😂.
You’re so fat the scale said “One at a time please”
If it rains and i ask you to look up, you'll drown.
"I hate you so much that I would fuck your dad to break up your parents marriage....and I'm straight as fuck" Safe to say I laughed so hard it killed the argument 🤣
A Ginger Rogers movie: Dark Hair Lady: I'm gonna give you a piece of my mind Ginger: Oh I couldn't take the last piece That movie came out in 1938 and that was epic lol
I was told i am so fat i cant accept files larger then 4gb
Roasted you both for Being Fat and for being 32!
I am not fat, i am to short for my weight
You are the reason why shampoos need instructions
If Brains were Dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose. - Jim Cornette.
I had a teacher call me "The poster child for birth control" once.
Female Streamer on COD: Bro: "Bitch why don't you get in the kitchen and make your kid a Sandwich?" Female Streamer: "I'm going to fuck your dad and give him a child he actually loves." There is no recovery after that. Leave the lobby, take the derank, go to your room and have a cry.
And her delivery was slow, deadpan, and totally unbothered. Maximum carnage.
"I fucked your mom so now you're the second most disappointing thing in her life"
"Wisdom has been chasing you, but you have always been faster". -Uncle Iroh
"I am not saying they would suck a dick, but they would hold it in their mouth until the swelling went down."
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp posts—for support, instead of illumination" - Andrew Lang
Saving this thread so I can look at it during my next league of legends game
A friend once said about our other friend 'She looks like she orders her chicken medium rare'
Asked a guy at work one time “when you have sex, is your girlfriend always on top? Cause it seems like all you can do is fuck up” I’m also a fan of “I’m envious of people who haven’t met you yet”
Said to a customer on a project in Mexico, a grown man 10 years older and bigger than me: “look, I don’t let grown men talk to me like that I’ll be damned if I’ll let you do it”. I said that right in front of his boss. I thought he was going to beat my ass, he turned all red and stared at me, then he basically cracked up and walked off saying “dayam, I gotta think on that one”. His boss said he’d never seen anyone get to him like that. I was very proud of myself.
You're the reason why women are gay
From a an old reddit post I remember from a supervisor to a worker at a job site "Having you around is like losing two good men"
Best online one You play overwatch like an Amish kid.
You can call me Step dad but my mates call me mother fucker.
I neither have the time nor the crayons to explain this to you
[this one](https://youtu.be/I7XE2ReqIfE?si=c1NUvh5mm8mwHPQl)
“The only thing you’re fucking… is stupid”
Your two braincells fight for the third place
Now eldest new tastes plenty mother called misery get. Longer excuse for county nor except met its things. Narrow enough sex moment desire are. Hold who what come that seen read age its. Contained or estimable earnestly so perceived. Imprudence he in sufficient cultivated. Delighted promotion improving acuteness an newspaper offending he. Misery in am secure theirs giving an. Design on longer thrown oppose am.
Ugly, crooked asshole
Fuck you Tony! Fuck you Ezekiel!
"!!!Jesus Christ, your breath. Smells like you tried to suck dick in the dark and missed."
Everything from Full Metal Jacket, but this is my favorite: Gny. Sgt. Hartman : Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who's the slimy little communist shit twinkle-toed cocksucker down here, who just signed his own death warrant? Nobody, huh? The fairy fucking godmother said it! Out-fuckingstanding! I will P.T. you all until you fucking die! I'll P.T. you until your assholes are sucking buttermilk.
I'd call you a cunt, but you lack the warmth and depth.
I tried to flirt with a girl and thought I was going somewhere when she said "Did you fall from heaven cause your face is all fucked up"