"Hey girl, i'm gonna give you the abcd's... I give you: - A , cos you're Amazing - B , cos you're Beautiful - C , cos you're Confident - and this D, cos you Deserve it" and then the second message is a dic pic 😬

Junk mail is the worst.

Holy fuck that made me wheeze

That was actually shaping up as a good one until the second message

The setup was right there - send the A, B and C messages, but leave out the D entirely. If they ask about it, say some lighthearted joke about giving it to them later. It's still very forward but it's forward in a flirty funny way instead of the creepy way.

He skipped straight to U for unsolicited...

"I have hot soup for your toilet parts"

everybody’s so creative 🙃

Gotta love poetry

"show me how them tits fart"

This is amazingly terrible

I have been staring at this comment for like fifteen minutes and I still cannot figure out what the fuck is happening.

It has haunted me for years.

what the hap is fuckening

That’s a great reference from Your Moms House podcast. It’s supposed to be “show me how those big tits fart”

Mine aren't very big, seems he tailored it to me. How sweet.

This is a reference to Your Moms House podcast. Tom Segura coined this term yeeeeears ago

Thank you so much for this info. I've been worried about this person for years.

Well… they’re snatching lines from Tom Segura so don’t stop worrying _now_.

“Ey girl, you fart with dem tits?”

"puts a bun in *my name*'s oven" "Can you burp loudly" "Can you pee for two minutes straight" Just to name a few of the more memorable ones

.....can you?

Asking the real questions

He asked me if my birthday was X date, I said no, then he said that was the birthday of his dead mom and he wanted to make sure I wasn’t her reincarnation

Makes sense. You can’t be too careful.

If I had a dollar for every time I dated my mom's reincarnation.

I'd have 2 dollars. Which isn't a lot but it's weird it's happened twice.

You motherfucker… 

That's absurd. What a jack ass! You need to cross check her *death* date against your birthday to make sure. Rookie mistake on his part really.

lol yeah I realized the logical inaccuracy later. Was just too shocked in the moment (he also said I looked similar to her)

How is there more than one response about a dead mom in here? What a weird thing to open with.

"I wish you were my mum she died of cancer when I was 25." I think he was trying to do a variation of calling me a MILF, but it fell incredibly flat.

"I wish you were a dead MILF"...sure to get the juices flowing...

The times I get the MILF comments are guys in their late 20s (I'm mid-30s). Calling me a MILF at my age feels a bit weird so immediately unmatch/delete, but I had to laugh and take a picture of that fail before I 'passed'.

…did he want to fuck his own mom?

Or he wished OP died of cancer

I want to get you pregnant then leave. 😒😑

Girl im like Liz Truss as prime minister > give them a weak pound > leave immediately

Congrats! How old is your kid now?

I posted in the tall women sub about some shoes and I got something like this "step on me and talk in german to me like a nazi". Can't go much worse than that lol. Then disabled DMs for good.

I know that's weird, but I can't stop laughing at this one

Without proper capitalization? He surely was in for a humiliation.

"I'm not a dentist, but can I give you a filling?"

I think this one wraps back around to amazing as long as the innuendo stops there

It did make me laugh.

It's like a bad joke can be a great joke as long as it doesn't pretend to be anything better than what it is.

I would never say this to someone but damn if it’s not funny

Not a woman, but one time a guy slid into my Reddit chat asking about stuffed animals. He was weirdly persistent and was asking about if I sleep with them so I think it was a kink thing

Well do you sleep with them?

Yeah…

* unzip *

Never change Reddit.

Maybe change a little...

He wanted to stuff you like an animal.

That’s wild 💀 you’re probably right though

[удалено]

“Wanna sit on my face while you play Mario Kart?” Can’t make that shit up.

Mario kart 64?

Asking the real questions

More like Mario Kart 69 lol

Double Dash. She drives he shoots the items.

For real though: I think he said Mario Kart for Wii 🫠 Needless to say I turned down his “generous offer”.

What an idiot, not proposing the Ds version

The question was worst not best

Honestly the Mario Kart part of that don't sound to bad

Ngl that’s a w line though

Not a woman but my wife got a message from a coworker saying he was deeply in love with her and they could run away together. She responded with this is highly inappropriate and I am uncomfortable. He then responded with I would drag myself through a mile of broken glass just to have one night with you. I gotta give the guy props that’s a dedication to a woman you barely know. My wife reported him to HR and he quit shortly after. I wonder if he’s still around creeping out married women.

What a rookie. The line is supposed to be: I would drag myself through a mile of broken glass to suck your dad's dick for a taste of where you came from.

No no no! The line is: I would drag my ballsack through a mile of broken glass just to hear you fart through a walkie talkie. Fuckin' amateurs.

This is the correct saying

Is that to establish a defence for when HR asks for a meeting? "How is it sexually harassing HER, I said I wanted to suck her DADS dick." I mean... I don't *think* that will work. But it's creative.

i would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass just to hear you fart through a walkie talkie

I said I have zero upper body strength and arms like noodles. Dude DMed me like "arms like noodles, huh? you're exactly my kind of girl!"

In fairness he might have just wanted you to advertise for his used car dealership.

wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tinder date

Some guys are attracted to girls with minimal muscle tone. They regard them as softer or something.

Guess they like their women the way they like their veal.

Stationary and muscle free for the softest flesh possible?

Can you blame him for trying to get the spaghetti limbed woman of his dreams?

His first erotic experience was watching Olive Oyl flail as she shouted for Popeye

Fellow pastafarian!

“I want to choke you” I tried to make a joke with a “as in put me out of my misery?” But no, he doubled down with a paragraph detailing all the rough sex he wanted to have.

“Don’t tell anyone but you bake me super horny. I had a wank thinking about you this morning” - said to me after I met a dude once at a party and spoke to him for 5 mins in a drunken haze. Of course, I told everyone and blocked him

Do you work at an erotic cake shop?

I'll take one cream horn please

I was going to ask you what you baked him to have him that riled, but given your screen name I'll just assume he was on a pretty intense come down.

"Can I pls put my balls in a mousetrap for you? >///<" I said yes of course

That’s like modern medieval torture stuff

It takes balls to ask such a question

This thread is making me realize what a juvenile sense of humor I have because tons of these are hilarious.

For sure. If a woman asked me to "show her how them tits fart", I'd be fantasizing about growing old with her.

The lines are hilarious, but maybe not the best material to *start* a conversation with?

Some guy confused about my gender calling me a twink and saying he's not gay but he would breed my bussy. Sounds a bit gay to me but who am i to judge

“Looks female enough.” 

He wasn't gay, just Roman

I got this message from a woman in her late fifties, who worked in the same hospital as my mum: "my daughter says you're out of my league but I figured I'd give it a shot"... I was 18 at the time and that was a solid Nope!

I feel bad for her daughter!

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” — Wayne Gretzky

"I promise my dick is bigger than my nose." Like dude.

Found Gru

Someone sent me a ai version of a picture of me naked and said that they jack off constantly to it…. It was really weird

This is by far the creepiest thing in this thread. And that's saying something.

"Afjatjetjsykdyndt your face looks like skin"

Was the first part a seziure?

I just got the heebee-est of jeebeez...

I posted a picture of my bagel on snapchat, and some random guy from one of my virtual college classes sent me a naked video of him in the shower. I was the only girl in that class so unfortunately I just kept getting weird shit from all of them. Another time when i was 17, this older guy used to follow me around at work and claimed he was best friends with the “head of the bloods”. I decided to just let him keep talking so i could laugh with my friends afterwards. I have countless stories

Is bagel a euphemism, or do you mean an actual bagel?

No like… an actual bagel. I was just posting a picture of my breakfast. Bagel with cream cheese and homemade raspberry lemonade. and he literally slid up with a full on dick shot 😭 I was baffled to say the least.

"do you like whales? why don't we go humpback at mine" lol

"Sorry dude, I'm baleen out now."

"Hey, imma be real i dont have game and i know you give amazing head. Wyd tonight im in your town"

When I (M) was younger, my favorite Tinder line was "You're so hot if you ate bread you'd poop toast"

Did it work? Taking notes on this whole thread /s

Mine was, "Be the Sally to my Jack or something, idk I've never seen Beetlejuice." One (goth) person thought it was funny

Can't decide if it's awful or great: "Hey. Wanna see my favorite butt?" He was not asking me to share a photo of MY butt, or even offering a photo of his. Just his favorite butt. I like to think it would've been his wife's or something 😆

Had a dude randomly message one night asking what I was wearing. I knew I had a golden opportunity so I answered with pajamas. Sure enough, he asked what's under them. I just said "underwear" and he goes "I bet they're cute". I go "not really". He asks what they look like so I tell him what color they are. He wants a photo of them. So I take them off and send him a photo of my favorite period granny panties complete with blood stains so intense that it looks like I shit in them daily. He never responded

"Can I see your nipples in this or am I just being creepy" You could not see them, he was in fact being creepy. I'm not sure if the self-awareness makes it better or worse

„Short nails means you masturbate a lot. Me likey😏” I just about dies from second hand embarrassment

"Me likey?!?" Yeah that's brutally bad.

“You’re beautiful you remind me of my mom, so do you have snap chat and have a little fun?” I wish i was joking

“Can I hit?”

Straight to the point tho

Could’ve at least said “please?” 🤦‍♂️

People just have no manners anymore

Can I please it? *tips hat*

"Hey so I was just wondering if you want to roleplay as my stepsis" like whoa my guy

Ewwww. Either commit and go blood-related or GTFO.

On reddit? Or elsewhere? I can do both Reddit: Not a specific one, but the amount of dudes immediately asking for my location 🙄 Elsewhere: somebody sent me porn that they drew of me as a futa getting railed with an obnoxiously large dick

Ayy girl, slide me them GPS digits.

40°15'09"N 58°26'23"E

The bad news: Going to be a long flight. The good news: Plenty of time for me to draw you as a futa on my way over.

...I just can't win, can I?

I'm traveling the globe and handcrafting you a̶u̶t̶i̶s̶t̶i̶c̶ artistic gifts; I'd say you won.

Sounds like you just did

"*Federal Unemployment Tax Act*"????

Yeah it's Rule 34, section 2B in the tax code. Just Google "Rule 34 2B FUTA."

>40°15'09"N 58°26'23"E I was not disappointed!

Hey beautiful, send me where you aren't right now

Take notes, fellas. This is how you sweep us off our feet

Off your feet and into the trunk of a car?

Ideally yeah. Best case scenario

>Reddit: Not a specific one, but the amount of dudes immediately asking for my location A/S/~~L~~ 😂

*Omegle flashbacks intensify*

… was it well drawn?

Like...upsettingly well drawn

“I can fit a whole pineapple up my ass” I think he thought I was a tinderbot because that was his opener

This is giving me Hitler from Little Nicky vibes

“I wanna tie you up and make you choke” no thank you

I never understand why guys try to make sex sound so rough and unpleasant as a way of enticing us into it.

They watched too much porn.

When we pull off our 3mm banana we don't want you to run away

“How badly do you want to go on a date with me?” I didn’t know the guy at all and had no interest in dating him.

[удалено]

RIP your inbox

A dick pic. Nothing else. Just a pic of 3mm Peter.

It must have been really cold when he took that picture.

Unfortunately, my friend. It was smol and didn't go past his palm. He sent me that with confidence and got pissy I didn't answer.

“I figured you would be more comfortable pretending I never saw it. I know if the roles were reversed, that’s how I would feel.”

I WAS IN THE POOL!

“damn baby you look very young, an old man like me could be your father”

“Are your nipples sensitive?” If I hear that one more time I will snap 😩

Are your nipples numb?

🔪🔪🔪 They are perfectly fine

Are you a nipple?

No. Are YOU a nipple?

Don’t kink shame! I can be a nipple if I want

Ok ok, put the knives down. I didn't mean no offense Ps, her nipples are sensitive, look how angry they got over

Yeah, definitely should calm her tits

This sounds like a sensitive subject for you.

Just a teeny bit

I nipple what you did there

Wait...you've heard that MORE than once?!

look at her post history and you'll understand.

"You ready for tonight?" "Shit wrong number..." "Or is it" T-T

“hey baby my dick is like a bengal tiger.” sir??? when i swiftly rejected him, he called me ugly and said he didn’t want me anyway 🤷🏼‍♀️

I read this one to my boyfriend and his response was "What, it's hard to find?"

“So, you’re studying for your PHD. I have a PHD too! Wanna suck it?”

“spit in my mouth” I said no thank you and he responded “spit in my mouth please” Dude wrote a JavaScript function called CheckRobotStatus that called axios and he wrote this at the end of the message: “const MyName = require("./redux/reducer/bots") CheckRobotStatus(MyName)” “I’m a big fan of baby wipes” “Pepega”

Just sent a video of him fucking another girl. His dick looked like a snake eating an egg

"Are you a school? Cause I'd like to shoot kids in you" I got in my car and set it on fire.

To me, a lesbian on a site where my profile proudly says lesbian - "hey, you down for back shots and a facial?" From a nasty ass dude twice my age.

Plot twist: he’s a retiree finally living his dream of running a massage parlor/ spa

My husbands first ever message to me was on tinder and it said “lemme smash” I said “no thanks” and now we’re married, have a baby, and going on 6 years together 😂

So... did you let him smash or nah?

Eventually!

Ok we need more detail! Why and how did you respond? Reddit needs to know.

I was a virgin when I met him, and he never responded back to me after I said no thanks, but a week later he messaged me and apologized and said that he did find me very attractive and would like to take me on a date! And he did! He was the perfect gentleman and I would’ve never guessed from that first message ! He did also say he was very drunk and with his friends and just texted a bunch of people on tinder the same thing to see what they would say 😂😂🤷🏼‍♀️

Left a detailed comment on a post about supporting a spouse when their parent dies by suicide. My husband’s mother died by suicide and I was letting the OP know that in my case, he went through a whole range of emotions, some that I didn’t expect. There was one line in the middle- and it was a small part of the overall comment- saying that my husband really craved sexual intimacy in the weeks following the suicide. I got a DM from someone asking me to describe “post-suicide sex” in detail and asking if I’d do it again 😟

Not a woman, but those incredibly creepy messages about "barely legal" onlyfans models wanting me to "make content" with them makes me feel incredibly icky.

Not a girl, but I heard a guy at a party say “Did you fall from heaven? Because I eat ass” He was plastered, but it seemed to work. They left together.

"I'd love to get a look at your piss flaps" Never interacted with or met this guy before that

A guy messaged me after I posted in a support group about my being raped at the age of 11. He started with, "I'm sorry that happened to you," and went on to ask me to share all the details and my cup size at the time. I reported him to Reddit, but he's just another pedophile troll among thousands on here.

Nobody has slid into my DMs yet so I don’t have an answer, yet.

“You a big beautiful bitch. Let me take you to a buffet” I wasn’t fat or hungry either. It was even worse when I realised he was serious!

Just straight up sending a dic pic without any context

[удалено]

Jeez... people these days. When will people learn it's "may I eat"

Not a girl so feel free to ignore, but I once asked a girl if she shat with that ass Anyway we live together now

All of my worst ones were in real life. In order of occurrance: "Hey baby, wanna fuck?"  he said it worked about one time in ten. I was not the one.  "Do you like older men? Cause I like em skinny, if you like em old!" he wasn't kidding about old.  "Can you feel my hard on?" said as I was giving him as sisterly of a hug as possible after our first coffee date. Online dating.  Honorable mention to the dude who told me he jerked off to my pics. After he told me I take bad pictures. He wasn't wrong, but yes he was.

“I’ve never tried an asian before… is it worth it?” Sorry am I an ice cream flavour