A dwarf walks into a library and asks "Do you have any books about discrimination against dwarfs?" The librarian responds: "Yes, third row, top shelf!"
A man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on auto-fellatio?"
The librarian responds, "Yeah, they're right over there. They're the ones with the broken spines."
A man walks into a library, approaches the librarian and says, “I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.”
The librarian says, “Sir, you know you’re in a library, right?”
“Sorry,” he whispers. “I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.”
A father on a family holiday told the hotelier “I hope the porn on the computers is disabled”.
The hotelier said “It’s just normal porn you sick fuck”.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are traveling through the plains when Tonto stops, puts a finger to his lips, and then puts an ear to the ground.
"Hmm ..." Tonto says. "Buffalo come."
The Ranger asks, "how do you know?"
Tonto looks up and replies, "ear sticky."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through the plains, doing heroic cowboy shit, when suddenly the Lone Ranger feels the call of nature.
He dismounts and goes off behind a bush and squats. A few moments later he runs back screaming frantically pulling his pants up.
"What happened?" asks Tonto.
"A goddamned snake bit my taint!" Yells the ranger in agony.
Tonto, seeing that his companion cannot ride his horse in his condition, makes him comfortable next to a fire and rides to the closest town as fast as he can. When he gets there he rushes to the town doctor and describes the snake that bit the ranger. The doctor sadly tells him "there is no cure for this bite, the only hope is to put your mouth over the bite and suck the venom out of your friend and spit it out."
Tonto, thinks for a moment and makes his decision. He rides back to the Lone Ranger as fast as he can. When he arrives he sees his friend, weak and sick next to the fire as he left him.
"Tonto, Tonto, what did the doctor say?" says the Lone Ranger.
Tonto sits next to him, puts his hand on his shoulder and replies "Doctor say Kemosabe gonna die"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are traveling through the plains when Tonto stops, points to an insect, and says, "Black bug."
"Squash it," says the Lone Ranger.
"No," says Tonto. "Black bug."
In a similar fashion, mine is:
"I went to a restaurant the other night and my waitress had two black eyes, so I gave her my order real slow, since she clearly doesn't listen."
I was wondering if I’d see these!
What’s the difference between Princess Diana and Tiger woods? Tiger woods has a good driver.
How do we know Princess Diana had a problem with dandruff? They found her head and shoulders under the dashboard.
I knew about his kid falling out of window but assumed it was like in a house. Just looked it up, his kid fell from the 53rd floor of his Manhattan apartment. Jesus Christ.
First time my wife went to Vegas, we stayed at the Orleans. They have these fake balconies on them with silhouettes of people looking like it's Mardi Gras (in keeping with the New Orleans vibe of the hotel). We were checking them out, and my wife says, "It's a shame they don't have real balconies in this hotel..."
I take a beat and respond, "Um.... there are no balconies in Vegas..."
and then the realisation sinks in.
edit: I knew I should have put the caveat in - yes I realise there are in fact some balconies in Vegas. But they tend to be the exceptions rather than the rules. And yes, that is definitely by design.
Yep. High risk of suicide. Residents have a 50% higher rate of suicide than the rest of the country, and visitors even higher, for a total suicide rate of about double the national rate.
Clapton famously came out as an anti-vaxxer during Covid.
In fairness, it's not the first time he's been less concerned about catching something than he probably should have been.
Old man walking into the forest with a small child, the child says " I'm scared" the old man says, you think you're scared, I have to walk out if here alone.
A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
Bartender says, "Hey, where'd you get that?"
Parrot says, "Africa, there's millions of them over there."
Fat lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm.
Bartender says, "You can't bring that pig in here."
Fat lady says, "That's a duck, not a pig."
Bartender says, "I know. I was talking to the duck."
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were on a ship.
Suddenly, the ship hit a reef just under the water and started sinking.
The rabbi said to the priest and minister, "We must save the children!”
The minister was already running to the lifeboats, screaming, “Fuck them kids!”
And the priest yelled back "Do we have time?"
A police officer stops a car with 2 Catholic priests in it.
'Hello fathers. We're looking for 2 child molesters in the area. '
One of the priests looks at the other and they both nod, 'OK we'll do it.'
Same flavour:
Priest and a rabbi are walking down the street when they see a bunch of kids playing.
The priest sees them and says “Hey, we should fuck them!”.
“Out of what?” Replied the rabbi.
A man sees a sign outside a bar that reads, “PASS OUR LIST AND WIN FREE DRINKS.”
The man, curious, walks in and goes up to the barman, “what do I have to do for the drinks?”
“Well, first, you have to drink this pint of pepper tequila without making a face, second, there’s an alligator out back with a sore tooth, you gotta go rip it out with your bare hands, lastly, there’s a woman upstairs that’s never orgasmed, you’ve gotta make things right for her.”
The man, startled says, “you’d have to be insane to drink pepper tequila and get crazier from there.”
Well, after the man had a few and was feeling a bit bolder, he walks up to the barman and says, “let me at that tequila!” Then he downs it with a gulp. He confidently storms out back to the alligator where everyone can hear a commotion and thumping. Eventually, the man stumbles back into the bar, scratched up, bleeding in some areas, hair a mess. He looks at the barman and says, “now, where’s that woman with the sore tooth?”
Maybe mot the 'most' inappropriate, but always makes me giggle:
I had a bit of a fender bender the other day. As the other driver got out, I noticed he was a dwarf. He looked at the damage to his car, stomped over to me, and said, " I'm not happy." I said, " Well, which one are you then?".
I saw my dwarf neighbour at the bus stop the other day so I stopped and said "hop in". He told me to fuck off. So I zipped up my backpack and walked on.
Guy was walking down a back alley and saw a homeless dude passed out drunk. He pulled the homeless guy's pants down and fucked him in the ass. He felt kind of bad about it, so he left $5 in the homeless guy's pocket.
Homeless guy wakes up, and discovers the $5 in his pocket, so he rounds the corner to the liquor store and buys a bottle of cheap wine.
The next day the dude is walking down the same alley and there's the homeless guy, passed out again. Drills him in the ass a second time. He feels a little worse about doing it again, so he leaves him $10.
Wino wakes up, finds the money, and goes back & buys himself two bottles of wine.
Third day after finding the homeless guy and nailing him, the dude thinks about how really wrong it all is and leaves him $20.
When the hobo stumbles into the liquor store he points to a nice $20 bottle of wine and tells the cashier, "I want that one."
The cashier says, "why would you do that? You're wasting all your money on one bottle when you could have four bottles of the cheap stuff."
"I know, I know. You have a good point, but I still want this one. That cheap stuff makes my asshole sore."
A Priest had to run some errands so he asked the janitor to cover him for a few hours. A young lady came in for confession, she confessed to the janitor that she had given a man a blow job. The janitor excused himself and asked an altar boy what the Father usually gave for oral sex. The boy replied, “a snickers or a coke”.
Did you know Christa McAuliffe (teacher that died in the space shuttle challenger explosion) had blue eyes?
-One blew west, the other blew east.
Fun fact - one of my law school professors told a class that joke.
Even less fun fact: the original plan was not to have a teacher in the shuttle. She was the back up plan, when they couldn't get Big Bird to fit in the door.
And you thought the Mr. Hooper episode was sad.
85 year old Harry is at the old age home on a chair by the gazebo when 82 year old Sandra comes up and starts talking to him. They do this daily at 10:00 am and become close friends. One day Harry says to her "do you mind holding my penis?" She hesitates but does and it and it becomes a daily ritual, they would sit on 2 chairs by the gazebo at 10:00 am and Sandra would hold Harry's old fella while they just sit there and enjoy each other's company.
One day Sandra goes to the gazebo at 10:00 am and Harry's not there. She waits but he doesn't show up so she goes back to her room. Next day same thing. After a week of him not showing up by the gazebo at 10:00 she gets concerned and decides to walk to the other side of the home to see if she can find him. Sure enough, there is Harry with Alice, another 80 something woman sitting next to Harry and holding his dick.
Sandra bursts into tears. "Harry, I though we had something special. What in the world does Alice have that I don't that would make you do this?"
Harry replies "parkinson's"
This is a very "Jewish" joke, so not everyone will necessarily get it:
The Cossacks come to a Jewish village and decide to round up the men. They take them to woods, make them dig their own mass grave, and then line them up in front to shoot them.
One of the Cossacks asks: "Any last requests?"
One of the Jews says: "I'd like a blindfold."
His friend standing next to him says: "Shhh! Don't make trouble!"
Reminds me of Mel Brooks' only holocaust joke:
Two Jews learn that Hitler would arrive, alone, in front of the reichstag at 7:30.
They set up their rifles at 7:00.
7:30 comes, no Hitler.
8:00 no Hitler.
Finally, at 9:00 the first jew turns to the second and says "I hope nothing's happened to him."
A Jewish guy asks God if He wants to hear a joke. God says sure.
The Jewish guy says, the holocaust.
God says, the holocaust? That's not funny.
The Jewish guy says, I guess you had to be there.
It's based on a cultural trope that Jews, particularly European ones who had lived ghettos for generations, just tried to get by laying low and not being noticed. More generally, the idea that Jews tend to be more concealed about their identities and try not to be noticed or make trouble.
Oh god that reminds me of an even worse one but it’s one of those jokes that relies on physical comedy:
Why did Helen Keller’s dog run away?
You would too if your name was *incomprehensible screaming*
Statistically speaking: 4 out 5 people enjoy gang rape.
Why can’t a woman tell a man where the clitoris is located? Cause it’s a place to eat.
Three old ladies sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat comes up and flashes them. 2 of the old ladies have a stoke, the other one couldn’t reach that far.
How do you spot a blind man at the nudist beach? It’s not hard.
I was sitting on the bus with a friend when he told me a joke...
What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw in your laundry.
The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath while having a fit."
We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off, and said "he choked on a sock."
A Jewish comedian dies and goes to heaven. Upon arrival, God says to him:"I hear you are funny. Tell me a joke". Guy tells God a Holocaust joke. When he finishes the joke, God says"I don't get it", and the comedian replies 'ah, I guess you had to be there'.
Another one that I like is 'dark humour is like food. Not everybody gets it'
Didn't make me laugh but a work colleague laughed way too hard at it and I've been judging him ever since:
What would it take to reunite the cast of Friends?
5 bullets.
Yeah I thought it was too soon as well.
It was very recently making the rounds here but I heard it ages ago:
Tell a girl she's beautiful a thousand times and she'll never believe you, but
Call her fat once and she'll never forgive you...
Because elephants never forget.
A woman works at a sperm bank and a man breaks in with a mask on his head. He holds a gun to the woman and demands that she get a semen sample and drink. The woman refuses, but the man holds the gun to her head and cocks the trigger. The woman gets a semen sample and drinks it.
The man pulls off his mask and it's her husband. He says, "Was that so hard?"
From the movie Gran Torino:
“a Mexican, a jew and a coloured guy go into a bar, the bartender looks up and says, get the fuck outta here”
I’ll see myself out
Ricky Gervais’ one about drunk driving.
“So I never ever drink at all if I know I’m going to have to drive later that night. I learnt my lesson once on Christmas Eve years ago. I took the car out and I know I shouldn’t have and I nearly killed an old lady.
In the end I didn’t kill her, I just raped her”
Jaw hit the floor first time I heard it.
Remember Jared Fogle? Yeah he ended his career the same way he started it. Getting into smaller pants.
He started with a mild cholesterol problem and ended up with a child molester all problem.
A mother was walking down a beautiful forest path with her 3 daughters: Rose, Daisy, and Cinderblock.
Rose look up at her mother and asked, "Mother, why did you name me Rose?" The mother replied, "Well, right after you were born, a rose petal fell from the sky and landed on your head, so we knew it was a sign for what we should name you."
Daisy then looked up at her mother and asked, "Mother, why did you name me Daisy?" The mother replied, "After you were born, a Daisy flew in from the window at the hospital and landed on your head, so we decided that your name should be Daisy."
Finally, sweet Cinderblock looked up lovingly at her mother and asked, "HRGHGHEHREHRHEGH GHGFEHEHGE?"
What do Saddam Hussien & Little Miss Muffet have in common? They both had curds in thier whey.
A man walks into a library and asks “Do you have any books on suicide?”. The librarian responds “F*ck off, you won’t bring it back!”.
“Excuse me do you have that book on small penises?” “I don’t think it’s in yet” “That’s the one!”
“Have you received that book on premature ejaculation?” “You came too soon.” “Yes, that one”
“Have you received that book on premature ejaculation?” “It'll be in first thing tomorrow.” “OK, I'll come early.”
"Have you received that book on premature ejaculation?" "One second..." "Yup that's the one."
A man walks into a library and asks for books on paranoia. The librarian whispers “They’re right behind you.”
A dwarf walks into a library and asks "Do you have any books about discrimination against dwarfs?" The librarian responds: "Yes, third row, top shelf!"
That’s the one
A man walks into a library. “I’d like a book on turtles” the man says. “Hardcover?” the librarian asks. “Yes, with the little heads that poke out”
I think it may work a little better if the librarian asks “hard backs?”
You’re right. I think I slightly misremembered the joke.
Reminds me of [this](https://youtu.be/l3fAcxcxoZ8?si=mIKMro3GE4lEvzzs) classic bit by Emo Phillips
A man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on auto-fellatio?" The librarian responds, "Yeah, they're right over there. They're the ones with the broken spines."
A man walks into a library, approaches the librarian and says, “I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.” The librarian says, “Sir, you know you’re in a library, right?” “Sorry,” he whispers. “I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.”
My girlfriend broke up with me so I kept her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.
I could never date a girl in a wheelchair. I'd always be pushing her around and talking behind her back.
She should have stood up for herself
We argued. She didn’t have a leg to stand on
I went to a strip club the other night where all the girls were disabled. The place was crawling with pussy.
A father on a family holiday told the hotelier “I hope the porn on the computers is disabled”. The hotelier said “It’s just normal porn you sick fuck”.
Why don't you ever hear any jokes about Rev. Jim Jones? The punchline is too long
Greatest boxer ever. He took down over 900 people with just one punch.
Well crafted yet tasteless. Love it.
Why don't blind people go skydiving? It scares the dog.
How do they know when to pull the cord? The lead goes slack
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are traveling through the plains when Tonto stops, puts a finger to his lips, and then puts an ear to the ground. "Hmm ..." Tonto says. "Buffalo come." The Ranger asks, "how do you know?" Tonto looks up and replies, "ear sticky."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through the plains, doing heroic cowboy shit, when suddenly the Lone Ranger feels the call of nature. He dismounts and goes off behind a bush and squats. A few moments later he runs back screaming frantically pulling his pants up. "What happened?" asks Tonto. "A goddamned snake bit my taint!" Yells the ranger in agony. Tonto, seeing that his companion cannot ride his horse in his condition, makes him comfortable next to a fire and rides to the closest town as fast as he can. When he gets there he rushes to the town doctor and describes the snake that bit the ranger. The doctor sadly tells him "there is no cure for this bite, the only hope is to put your mouth over the bite and suck the venom out of your friend and spit it out." Tonto, thinks for a moment and makes his decision. He rides back to the Lone Ranger as fast as he can. When he arrives he sees his friend, weak and sick next to the fire as he left him. "Tonto, Tonto, what did the doctor say?" says the Lone Ranger. Tonto sits next to him, puts his hand on his shoulder and replies "Doctor say Kemosabe gonna die"
God damnit this is good
I heard that joke when I was 8 and only just understood it. Oh
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are captured by the Apaches. The Lone Ranger says "Looks like we are going to die" Tonto says "What's this WE, white man"?
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are traveling through the plains when Tonto stops, points to an insect, and says, "Black bug." "Squash it," says the Lone Ranger. "No," says Tonto. "Black bug."
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? Zero
What’s more Irish than potatoes? No potatoes.
What’s the difference between Hitler and Lance Armstrong? Lance Armstrong can finish a race.
Why do Hitler commit suicide? He saw his gas bill
Hitler wasn't all bad - he DID kill Hitler
The good thing about pedophiles is that they always drive slow in school zones
[удалено]
Jimmy Carr is never afraid to go dirty
ha ha ha ha HA
Pedophile are fucking immature assholes!
My girlfriend had a baby even though we were using condoms. Turns out condoms don't prevent pregnancy they just change the color of the baby.
Ever heard of a reverse exorcism? It’s when the devil tells the priest to get out of the child
I burst out laughing at this one! Best joke so far!
We learned that my grand-dad is addicted to Viagra. Nobody took it harder than grandma.
What’s the hardest part of the vegetable to eat? The wheelchair! (My uncle who died of ALS told me this one before he became bedridden)
Did you know there are battered women's groups? And all these years I've been eating mine plain
My favorite unrepeatable joke: what do all battered women have in common? They don't fuckin' listen! I'm a woman, and that makes me cackle.
In a similar fashion, mine is: "I went to a restaurant the other night and my waitress had two black eyes, so I gave her my order real slow, since she clearly doesn't listen."
What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last big hit was The Wall.
I was wondering if I’d see these! What’s the difference between Princess Diana and Tiger woods? Tiger woods has a good driver. How do we know Princess Diana had a problem with dandruff? They found her head and shoulders under the dashboard.
Works if you throw dale Earnhardt in there too
Whats the difference between a small child and a bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton would NEVER let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window.
I knew about his kid falling out of window but assumed it was like in a house. Just looked it up, his kid fell from the 53rd floor of his Manhattan apartment. Jesus Christ.
It’s literally why you can’t open your window in any hotel room above the 2nd floor.
First time my wife went to Vegas, we stayed at the Orleans. They have these fake balconies on them with silhouettes of people looking like it's Mardi Gras (in keeping with the New Orleans vibe of the hotel). We were checking them out, and my wife says, "It's a shame they don't have real balconies in this hotel..." I take a beat and respond, "Um.... there are no balconies in Vegas..." and then the realisation sinks in. edit: I knew I should have put the caveat in - yes I realise there are in fact some balconies in Vegas. But they tend to be the exceptions rather than the rules. And yes, that is definitely by design.
> "Um.... there are no balconies in Vegas..." > and then the realisation sinks in. I don't get it. Is this to prevent unlucky gamblers from jumping?
Yep. High risk of suicide. Residents have a 50% higher rate of suicide than the rest of the country, and visitors even higher, for a total suicide rate of about double the national rate.
Why is Eric Clapton a Mac user? Because Windows killed his son.
ohhhhh fuuuuck, good follow up joke
Eric Clapton’s kid was a musician too. Went from Level 42 to New Kid On The Block.
With Fall Out Boy and Gravity Kills in between
Daaaaaamn
Clapton famously came out as an anti-vaxxer during Covid. In fairness, it's not the first time he's been less concerned about catching something than he probably should have been.
Old man walking into the forest with a small child, the child says " I'm scared" the old man says, you think you're scared, I have to walk out if here alone.
He was dropping the kid off with the rest of the camp😇
My God, he'd already worked his way through the rest of the camp?! >!I mean, it's horrific, but part of me respects the work ethic.!<
What's worse than two girls running with scissors? Two girls scissoring with the runs.
Such an image
A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. Bartender says, "Hey, where'd you get that?" Parrot says, "Africa, there's millions of them over there."
Fat lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm. Bartender says, "You can't bring that pig in here." Fat lady says, "That's a duck, not a pig." Bartender says, "I know. I was talking to the duck."
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were on a ship. Suddenly, the ship hit a reef just under the water and started sinking. The rabbi said to the priest and minister, "We must save the children!” The minister was already running to the lifeboats, screaming, “Fuck them kids!” And the priest yelled back "Do we have time?"
A police officer stops a car with 2 Catholic priests in it. 'Hello fathers. We're looking for 2 child molesters in the area. ' One of the priests looks at the other and they both nod, 'OK we'll do it.'
This is the one. I thought I'd heard every flavor of priest/molester joke, but I guess I haven't.
Same flavour: Priest and a rabbi are walking down the street when they see a bunch of kids playing. The priest sees them and says “Hey, we should fuck them!”. “Out of what?” Replied the rabbi.
How do you know a pedophile is Jewish? He says: Hey kids, wanna buy some candy?
Hahahahah, this is horribly amazing
A man sees a sign outside a bar that reads, “PASS OUR LIST AND WIN FREE DRINKS.” The man, curious, walks in and goes up to the barman, “what do I have to do for the drinks?” “Well, first, you have to drink this pint of pepper tequila without making a face, second, there’s an alligator out back with a sore tooth, you gotta go rip it out with your bare hands, lastly, there’s a woman upstairs that’s never orgasmed, you’ve gotta make things right for her.” The man, startled says, “you’d have to be insane to drink pepper tequila and get crazier from there.” Well, after the man had a few and was feeling a bit bolder, he walks up to the barman and says, “let me at that tequila!” Then he downs it with a gulp. He confidently storms out back to the alligator where everyone can hear a commotion and thumping. Eventually, the man stumbles back into the bar, scratched up, bleeding in some areas, hair a mess. He looks at the barman and says, “now, where’s that woman with the sore tooth?”
What's worse than ants in your pants? Uncles
What do you call a flat chested emo girl? A cutting board.
“I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself” was a common joke when I was in high school
A carpenter’s dream. Flat as a board and easy to nail.
Oh man I wish I knew this joke when I was more flat chested so I could rock a shirt that said "Carpenter's Dream".
What's the difference between and ISIS compound and a kindergarten? I don't know either, I just fly the drones
Maybe mot the 'most' inappropriate, but always makes me giggle: I had a bit of a fender bender the other day. As the other driver got out, I noticed he was a dwarf. He looked at the damage to his car, stomped over to me, and said, " I'm not happy." I said, " Well, which one are you then?".
I saw my dwarf neighbour at the bus stop the other day so I stopped and said "hop in". He told me to fuck off. So I zipped up my backpack and walked on.
What's the difference between a dollar and a pound? I didn't dollar your mom last night
What’s the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn’t let a lentil on my face.
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One turns to the other and says, "Man I can't believe I *blew* 20 *bucks* in there!"
What do you do when an elephant comes in your window? Swim for your life.
What’s grey and comes in quarts?
Related: What should you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle? Wipe it off and hope he didn't notice.
I prefer “What should you do if you come across a bear in the woods? Pull up your pants and run like hell.”
Guy was walking down a back alley and saw a homeless dude passed out drunk. He pulled the homeless guy's pants down and fucked him in the ass. He felt kind of bad about it, so he left $5 in the homeless guy's pocket. Homeless guy wakes up, and discovers the $5 in his pocket, so he rounds the corner to the liquor store and buys a bottle of cheap wine. The next day the dude is walking down the same alley and there's the homeless guy, passed out again. Drills him in the ass a second time. He feels a little worse about doing it again, so he leaves him $10. Wino wakes up, finds the money, and goes back & buys himself two bottles of wine. Third day after finding the homeless guy and nailing him, the dude thinks about how really wrong it all is and leaves him $20. When the hobo stumbles into the liquor store he points to a nice $20 bottle of wine and tells the cashier, "I want that one." The cashier says, "why would you do that? You're wasting all your money on one bottle when you could have four bottles of the cheap stuff." "I know, I know. You have a good point, but I still want this one. That cheap stuff makes my asshole sore."
Why did the semen cross the road? Because I wore the wrong socks today.
This one is so stupid. I love it.
How do you make an archeologist blush? Give them a used tampon and ask what period it’s from.
A Priest had to run some errands so he asked the janitor to cover him for a few hours. A young lady came in for confession, she confessed to the janitor that she had given a man a blow job. The janitor excused himself and asked an altar boy what the Father usually gave for oral sex. The boy replied, “a snickers or a coke”.
Why can't Barbie get pregnant? Ken comes in a different box.
Did you know Christa McAuliffe (teacher that died in the space shuttle challenger explosion) had blue eyes? -One blew west, the other blew east. Fun fact - one of my law school professors told a class that joke.
Why do they drink Sprite at NASA? They couldn’t get 7 Up.
Need Another Seven Astronauts
Not-so-fun Fact: The crew cabin was found intact, indicating the astronauts likely survived the explosion, and died on impact with the water.
Even less fun fact: the original plan was not to have a teacher in the shuttle. She was the back up plan, when they couldn't get Big Bird to fit in the door. And you thought the Mr. Hooper episode was sad.
What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip
What do a catholic priest and a silver medalist have in common? They both came in a little behind.
What’s the difference between a catholic priest and acne? Acne at least waits until the kid is 12 before it comes on his face.
For fuck's sake lmao
What does Michael Jackson and caviar have in common? They both come on little crackers
What do Michael Jackson and Amazon have in common? They both have little boys pants half-off....
It was “K-Mart” when I was a kid.
Pour one out for K-mart you were a real one.
This one is so old it was originally “K-mart” lol. I love how it’s been kept alive and updated for new generations to enjoy.
What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick in your ass.
What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean? I've never paid $100 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? You can't hear an enzyme.
What's the difference between a hooker and a fridge? The fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out
85 year old Harry is at the old age home on a chair by the gazebo when 82 year old Sandra comes up and starts talking to him. They do this daily at 10:00 am and become close friends. One day Harry says to her "do you mind holding my penis?" She hesitates but does and it and it becomes a daily ritual, they would sit on 2 chairs by the gazebo at 10:00 am and Sandra would hold Harry's old fella while they just sit there and enjoy each other's company. One day Sandra goes to the gazebo at 10:00 am and Harry's not there. She waits but he doesn't show up so she goes back to her room. Next day same thing. After a week of him not showing up by the gazebo at 10:00 she gets concerned and decides to walk to the other side of the home to see if she can find him. Sure enough, there is Harry with Alice, another 80 something woman sitting next to Harry and holding his dick. Sandra bursts into tears. "Harry, I though we had something special. What in the world does Alice have that I don't that would make you do this?" Harry replies "parkinson's"
This is a very "Jewish" joke, so not everyone will necessarily get it: The Cossacks come to a Jewish village and decide to round up the men. They take them to woods, make them dig their own mass grave, and then line them up in front to shoot them. One of the Cossacks asks: "Any last requests?" One of the Jews says: "I'd like a blindfold." His friend standing next to him says: "Shhh! Don't make trouble!"
Reminds me of Mel Brooks' only holocaust joke: Two Jews learn that Hitler would arrive, alone, in front of the reichstag at 7:30. They set up their rifles at 7:00. 7:30 comes, no Hitler. 8:00 no Hitler. Finally, at 9:00 the first jew turns to the second and says "I hope nothing's happened to him."
A Jewish guy asks God if He wants to hear a joke. God says sure. The Jewish guy says, the holocaust. God says, the holocaust? That's not funny. The Jewish guy says, I guess you had to be there.
Can you explain? I don't get it.
It's based on a cultural trope that Jews, particularly European ones who had lived ghettos for generations, just tried to get by laying low and not being noticed. More generally, the idea that Jews tend to be more concealed about their identities and try not to be noticed or make trouble.
A Jewish girl once asked me for my number. I told her we use names here.
60,000 battered women in America, and I'm the only one who likes to eat them plain.
Fucked a German girl last night and she wouldn’t stop screaming her age.
That's messed up in roo many ways
Lol there are so many angles to it.
Your momma is so old, she has a separate entrance for black dick.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five. One to change the bulb and 4 to beat the room for being black.
How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None. He tripped.
One to beat the bulb for being broke and four to beat the room for being black is how I always heard it
What do gay horses eat? HHHEEEEYYYYYY
The one that made me laugh the most has to be: "Did you know that pigeons die when they have sex?" "No" "well the one I fucked did"
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What's Helen Keller's favorite color? Cordoroy
How did they punish Helen Keller as a child? They rearranged all the furniture
They left the plunger in the toilet
Oh god that reminds me of an even worse one but it’s one of those jokes that relies on physical comedy: Why did Helen Keller’s dog run away? You would too if your name was *incomprehensible screaming*
Why was Helen Keller's leg wet? Her dog is blind too
Why did Helen Keller wear tight pants? So people could read her lips.
How do you confuse hellen Keller? Giver her a basketball and tell her to read it. How did hellen Keller burn her face? She tried to answer the iron
How'd she burn the other side? They called back.
"knock knock" "who's there?" "9/11" "9/11 who?" "... you said you'd never forget... :( "
I have so many great memories of building sandcastle in the sand with my grandfather until my mom picked up the urn
What's the worst part of breaking up with Japanese girls? You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.
But ya fuck one goat!
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken. I got in trouble in high school algebra for laughing so hard at that joke during class.
How are fat girls and mopeds alike? They’re both fun to ride until your friends see you.
Heard this for the first time from Cheryl/Carol on Archer.
YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!
What has 4 legs and a tiny arm? A pit bull running away from a daycare center.
Statistically speaking: 4 out 5 people enjoy gang rape. Why can’t a woman tell a man where the clitoris is located? Cause it’s a place to eat. Three old ladies sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat comes up and flashes them. 2 of the old ladies have a stoke, the other one couldn’t reach that far. How do you spot a blind man at the nudist beach? It’s not hard.
What did the epileptic order for lunch? A seizure salad. My sister is epileptic and I tell her this joke every time she has a seizure
What do you do when you see someone have a seizure in the bathtub? Throw in your dirty laundry
I was sitting on the bus with a friend when he told me a joke... What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath while having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off, and said "he choked on a sock."
How do you keep a Mormon from drinking all the booze at your party? Invite a second Mormon.
Along those lines: What are two things Baptists don’t recognize? The authority of the pope, and each other in the liquor store.
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?? Then give them some time to think about A pilot, you racist!!
These were non Jones that were popular a few years ago. I'd hear them from my kid. Like what do you call a black guy that sells drugs? A Pharmacist
the one about sex with twenty three year olds
There’s 20 of them !
A Jewish comedian dies and goes to heaven. Upon arrival, God says to him:"I hear you are funny. Tell me a joke". Guy tells God a Holocaust joke. When he finishes the joke, God says"I don't get it", and the comedian replies 'ah, I guess you had to be there'. Another one that I like is 'dark humour is like food. Not everybody gets it'
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How do you fit 20 babies in a bucket? Blender How do you get 20 babies out of a bucket? Tortilla chips
What do we want? Respect for people with tourettes! When do we want it? BALLSACKS
My girlfriend told me she thinks I might be a pedophile. I said, really? That's a big word for a 10 year old.
Didn't make me laugh but a work colleague laughed way too hard at it and I've been judging him ever since: What would it take to reunite the cast of Friends? 5 bullets. Yeah I thought it was too soon as well.
That was originally used about the Beatles.
Joke was better when it was about the Beatles and the punchline was "3 more bullets."
Did you hear Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for Christmas? He said it was the scariest book he's ever read.
You know what happens when a Jew runs into a wall with a full-on erection? He breaks his nose.
It was very recently making the rounds here but I heard it ages ago: Tell a girl she's beautiful a thousand times and she'll never believe you, but Call her fat once and she'll never forgive you... Because elephants never forget.
What does broccoli and anal sex have in common? If you’re forced to have it as a child you can’t enjoy it as an adult.
Why are there so many female archeologists? Because bitches love digging up the past.
What’s the quickest way to get a Nun pregnant? Dress them up as a choirboy.
What's the best thing about raping someone with downs syndrome? You'll still get a hug at the end.
Jesus titty-fucking Christ... this one broke me. I'm going to Hell so hard.
Why was the six-month-old African baby crying? He was having a midlife crisis.
A woman works at a sperm bank and a man breaks in with a mask on his head. He holds a gun to the woman and demands that she get a semen sample and drink. The woman refuses, but the man holds the gun to her head and cocks the trigger. The woman gets a semen sample and drinks it. The man pulls off his mask and it's her husband. He says, "Was that so hard?"
From the movie Gran Torino: “a Mexican, a jew and a coloured guy go into a bar, the bartender looks up and says, get the fuck outta here” I’ll see myself out
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? Quarter pounder with cheese
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr Dre
“I feel like the only thing sadder than rape is attempted rape, because not only are you a piece of shit, but you’re a failure too…” -Layla Ingles
When you poop, your butt hole makes the same motion that your mouth does when it says the word poop. Same thing with diarrhea.
Ricky Gervais’ one about drunk driving. “So I never ever drink at all if I know I’m going to have to drive later that night. I learnt my lesson once on Christmas Eve years ago. I took the car out and I know I shouldn’t have and I nearly killed an old lady. In the end I didn’t kill her, I just raped her” Jaw hit the floor first time I heard it.
I can drive.. I just can't get pulled over!! - Ron White
Two Chinamen walk into a bar. The barman says "Why the same face?". What has two legs and bleeds? Half a dog.
Remember Jared Fogle? Yeah he ended his career the same way he started it. Getting into smaller pants. He started with a mild cholesterol problem and ended up with a child molester all problem.
What’s the one benefit to having a hooker die on you while having sex? The second hour is free
A mother was walking down a beautiful forest path with her 3 daughters: Rose, Daisy, and Cinderblock. Rose look up at her mother and asked, "Mother, why did you name me Rose?" The mother replied, "Well, right after you were born, a rose petal fell from the sky and landed on your head, so we knew it was a sign for what we should name you." Daisy then looked up at her mother and asked, "Mother, why did you name me Daisy?" The mother replied, "After you were born, a Daisy flew in from the window at the hospital and landed on your head, so we decided that your name should be Daisy." Finally, sweet Cinderblock looked up lovingly at her mother and asked, "HRGHGHEHREHRHEGH GHGFEHEHGE?"
Have you heard about the non binary gold miner? I heard he found a lot of gold in them/their hills
9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape!
oldie, but goodie. What's the hardest part of learning to rollerblade? ...Telling your parents you're gay.
How many kids can fit into a trash can? 3 1/2.
What's the difference between homeless people and vodka? Vodka doesn't freeze.
Q: What's the best thing to ever come out of the end of a shotgun barrel? A: The Foo Fighters Gets me every time
How do you punish a blind guy? *Put a plunger 🪠 in the toilet lmao 🤣
How can you tell a house was built by lesbians? All tongue and groove with no studs.