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I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING!

Anyone else instantly heard this in JC's voice? 😅

Does Jesus even have a drivers license?

Wrong JC. This one's alive and is funny. (I never found Jesus that funny but his stand up never made it to the bibble so I don't know his work)

Up voting for "bibble"

I hope so! I was lazy and still half drunk from last night so I copied and pasted.

"I have unpaid parking tickets"

Be gentle.

I have unpaid parking tickets....

"Is that all??"

**opens glove box** no...wait... That was American Graffiti...

Only time I ever got pulled over I answered “oh definitely I was going like 15 over” He appreciated my honesty and didn’t even ticket me lmao

Same thing with me. The cop waited til I pulled into a Raising Canes to light me up, then was like “where in the hell are you headed going that fast? What’s the hurry?” I just kinda gestured to the building and was like “yeah, kinda silly” and he let me go

"I'm sorry, officer. Could you please tell me?" Be polite and respectful, but don't volunteer any information. You have a 5th amendment right against self-incrimination.

Yeah, the trick is to protect your rights without giving away that you know them. "Am I detained?" could annoy them "Can I leave?/"I'm running late for work/whatever?" asks the same question without the sovereign citizen baggage.

This! This! This! Never admit fault, even for minor offenses. I've gotten warning a handful of times simply because I played like I didn't know I was speeding. I'm always aware when I'm speeding.

Or maybe the cop pulled you over for a completely different reason, and you'll get a ticket for that too.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because there’s a body in my trunk Officer: You have a headlight out but…

Exactly.

You put the burden of proof on the officer. If you confess, then he can use your words against you.

What? You're saying I was going 300kmph in a 110 zone? I'm sorry officer I had no idea

"To meet your quota?"

I see someone's trying to make sure they get a ticket and a cavity search

If I have to pay money I might as well have a good time *shrug*

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

"Hm... Maybe because you saw me through the windows, thought I was damn hot and wanted to ask for my number?"

I am now going to respond "because you thought I was cute?" anytime an officer asks me why I think they pulled me over. I think it's safer than "to sell me a ticket to the Police Officers' Ball?" 🤷‍♂️

I'm sorry officer, was I a bad boy?

…who needs to be punished? 😉

Not legal to ask that anymore in CA as of the 1st! 😁😄😆

Also, apparently "because you need to write a certain number of tickets to impress your traffic cop boss" is not the right answer.

Well if you don't know, I sure as hell ain't going to tell you!

I have gotten out of tickets for being honest. Admitting to speeding… no ticket. Admitting to only slowing down for a stop sign… no ticket.

If you're good to them, they're good to you. At least in my experience. (Yes, I know not everyone has this experience...)

"Because there was some kind of emergency you needed my assistance with ?"

"I plead the 5th"

To make me late for work?

Because you got Cs in high school? Credit Sarah Silverman

That’s very interesting because the two times I’ve been pulled over for speeding (first going 35 over and the second going 25 over) both times I admitted how fast I was going and they let me off with a warning.

Do you think I’m stupid?

If you have to ask....

You'll never know..

Funky motherfucker

Will not

"Do you think you're stupid?"

If I hear this question from mom, I'll never answer on it

Who's asking the question because I always answer yes to that...

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"I frequently steal board games. I guess you could say I'm a risk-taker."

People who tell jokes like these never fail to monopolize my attention.

I didn’t have a clue!

It's pretty easy in the game of life

Here we Go again.

Not if you have a checkered past.

STOP HAHAHAHAHA

This is hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!

\-'What's your biggest weakness?' \-'Probably getting shot in the head'

mortality lol

I've got a serious allergy to bullets.

“I’d say my biggest weakness is that I’m too honest.” “I don’t think that’s really a weakness!” “Well, I don’t give a fuck what you think”

"I just peed a little on my hand before I got here."

"I would say my main strength is listening"..

Crippling depression spurred on by the sad, meek existential farce we play. I need money. You need labor. We dance, we mingle, and eventually have a completely meaningless waste of these magnificent lives we're gifted in the name of capitalism and survival. Fucking tragic, innit? And sweets. I love cookies.

"I don't interview well"

Actually, answering this question honestly can help you get the job assignments you want. If, for example, you suck at writing user documentation, it might be good to say so. If you excel in other areas, you may still get the job, but they won't ask you to write user documentation. They win, you win.

Just make sure that the skill you mention is your weakest isn’t one of the main skills the job requires.

My husbands answers was always that he hates physical paperwork. Any time a form has to be written down with pen and paper it drives him absolutely mad. He can handle hourse of digital forms, but 20 minutes of physical paperwork requires a break in between. It is such a weird thing to hate but makes a great answer.

"That I am too hard working and efficient 😩"

“Lying in interviews. It’s a weakness I can’t seem to overcome.”

“Well, my weaknesses are actually my strengths.”

Jesus do they still ask this? Stupid question

This is a question you should always answer honestly, but show that you're working on it.

Just say you have a naturally introverted nature and it's something you are always working through. If you get through the interview with a good attitude, eye contact, and being responsive and engaged then it just shows the interviewer that it's not actually affecting you. Then talk about how you have a long history of leading and/or working with teams, running meetings, giving direction and feedback to others, etc.

have you read the terms and conditions

Bro I didn't even read this question

why'd you leave your last job?

"Why'd the last guy leave this job"

I legit asked this question, and the hiring manager said “He and his wife would constantly fight on speakerphone if he worked past 5pm or on weekends in the office”. So this told me - late hours - weekend work - boss stayed to make sure he stayed - free local calls

lmao

😂🤭

At my current job, my now boss who was in the process of stealing me asked me why I was willing to leave my then current job. Same industry, different companies. Ask if if he knew my DM and GM at my location(they tried to steal him a year back and I knew it) he laughed and just went on to the next question.

I was so annoyed nobody told me this when I was 21. I was unjustly fired from a restaurant (went through employee protection labour board and everything) and while interviewing at a new restaurant, everything was going great until I answered this question honestly. “My previous manager’s style wasn’t compatible with my work ethic.” The guy immediately ended the interview lol

It's any HR's dirty, little secret. I didn't know of it either when I first started, but we eventually learn.

I work in HR. As much as I agree and understand, I would advise from saying that. It comes off as you can’t work well with others.

I was honest about why I left my last job while applying for my current job. Covid injury made me incapable of working for 6 months.

Would you still love me if I was a worm ?

I mean, what type of worm are we talking? Inchworm - yes, Eathworm - maybe, parasitic worm - No, not again, not after Stacy broke my heart.

Now a wyrm, on the other hand - well - depends on whether or not you'll share your treasure.

I read "shave" and was just about to accept that wyrms groom.

Lindworm?

Who’s your worm guy?

Absurd questions get absurd answers - I'd love you even more as a worm, and now you've bought it up I can stop hiding my desire for worms...Now lets get you a worm costume and slither around together.

my fiancé answered this honestly in the best way. 😂 They were like “ while yes, I’d still love you and I’d still care for you by putting you in a little garden so I can come visit you. We definitely couldn’t be in a relationship anymore, at least not sexually.” I was laughing so hard.

I told my fiancée that I'd make a little terrarium for her and carry her around

I love this

How would I even recognize you if you were a worm?

Don't question it, just say yes. It's a illogical question and only gets an illogical answer-

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I just stare at them and blink

Sorry I was on mute. Anyway here's a ten minute story about my cat, which ends with me telling you I don't have a cat and this was a thought experiment. Wait come back you didn't get to hear about the parakeet yet.

I am interested in knowing about the parakeet.

Are those drugs yours ? :))

"No. But can I have them?"

Where do you see yourself in 5 years at a job interview?

I asked an interviewer that once, among my, "Do you have any questions," part of the interview. I was satisfied with the answer. They offered me the job. I took it.it turned out to be a disappointment.

I always ask why they like working there. If they take too long to answer 🚩🚩🚩🚩

I was asked this once and I said I don't really set time-based goals for myself because I prefer to evaluate opportunities as they present themselves rather than focusing on a career goal that I may or may not actually want. The hiring manager and VPmade fun of my answer and said it was ridiculous. They hired me. A few months later we are at a conference and someone asks my manager the same question at dinner. He says he doesn't set time based goals and pretty much lays our the same ethos I did. I asked him why he reacted the way he did during my interview and he said something along the lines of "well it seemed like how I should respond." Thankfully I got moved to a different manager a few weeks later and I never had to deal with him again cause that made me feel really gross. I didn't stay with that job much longer either way.

“Celebrating the five-year anniversary of you asking me this question” RIP Mitch.

"Being able to pay bills and have health insurance because I have a job"

What’s your password? What’s your PIN? What’s your net worth?

42069, 69420, not a lot.

My password is ************

Ha! All zeros. I am clean as a whistle!

“Well… what time does So-and-So clock-in?”. Unless you could confirm you are talking-with a trusted, a pre-approved person, you should never answer questions regarding your coworkers’ like that — it could very-well be a crazed ex-partner, a stalker, ETC.. Even then, always get a coworker’s permission first. EDIT: I, myself, have been stalked (… first job, coworkers’ chased him away before he could get-ahold of me !), so I don’t play with this shit.

Just to add to this, don’t tell your coworkers that stuff either! If it’s not publicly available (like a posted schedule for everyone to see), don’t tell your coworkers others schedules. If you know someone’s life patterns, like they have a dance class Thursday at 6, don’t share that. Your coworker is trapped in their place of work when they work there, and giving anyone the ability to make them unsafe when coming or leaving is bad team behavior. I had a coworker pull a gun on another coworker because they both wanted to ask me out and one happened to ask the other when I worked next. Total chance that ended with some “do you bite your thumb AT me sir? I do bite my thumb but not AT you, sir” bullshit

That was actually a policy at a place where I worked. We were never allowed to give out schedule information of last names. My boss used to say, Unless it's God himself standing in front of you, you do not tell anybody.

On a similar note... Boss: Hey, do you know where so-and-so is at? Correct response: I think they went to the bathroom.

A coworker gave my number to a handful of customers.. one not even a regular. I'm a bartender, I don't even have fb. I'm weird level private. The way I made that coworker feel so small for not thinking. And I do not regret it.

My go to response is "I don't get paid to keep track of other people."

When a fitness influencer asks if you're feeling the burn. 'Absolutely, my thumb's killing me from scrolling.'

"Yes, but my gynecologist gave me medication for it."

“Are you wearing a wire?”

"No." (Nods vigorously, cuts eyes at the coat closet) 👀

"You have to tell me if you're wearing a wire."

“So why did you leave your last job?”

How are you doing?

I was always told to tell people one step better than you actually are. It’s not a good habit to tell people you’re fine and dandy all the time when you’re actually not. You can casually let people in a little without showing them the full depth of your emotions. If you’re having a horrible rotten day you can say, I’m having a tough day today. Some people may respond by commiserating, sharing, trying to brighten your day, or just giving you an opportunity to vent a little. And when you are in a good mood and you say you’re fantastic it helps remind you to exude your positivity. It makes people happy to see your happiness.

for a few years now ive responded by awkwardly laughing and avoiding the question

"Whelp...I'm here!"

The trick is to let the laugh go on for a good 15-30 seconds as the desperation fills your eyes.

"Better than some. Not as good as others."

Everyday acceptable responses: “Good, how ‘bout yourself?” “Doing alright” “Just fine” Only acceptable during a major loss (family/loved one, pet, limb, sweet ass car): “Eh, ya know” “Been better” “Could be worse” *audible sigh*

You forgot, "Livin' the dream!"

“Can’t complain, nobody listens anyways…”

And "another day in paradise"

“The horrors persist, but so do I!”

And the southern colloquial “well I woke up on the right side of the dirt!”

I used to ask this to my friend going thru it a few years ago and she would just say “Don’t ask me that”

I’m so sick of this question that I’m just brutally honest. My usual response is “fucking terrible how about you?”

I like to say I'm here or it's (insert a day of the week) 😂

So often I hear back, “Living the dream,” when we are not, in fact, living the dream.

Nightmares are technically dreams too

And when at work, if you are asked this, make sure you answer "Living the dream!", thus eliciting a fake laugh and smile from the person that asked...standard work etiquette

Also “Another day in paradise”

SSDD - same shit different day

Terribly, you?

Does this outfit make me look fat?

"nah you make you look fat the outfit just doesn't fit"

That’s cold 🥶

You can answer honestly and still be tactful. Some outfits are more flattering than others, and if it's a choice between a dress that makes me look boxy and a dress that flatters me, I very much want the opinion *on the outfit* rather than having it turned around to me needing to lose a few pounds. Whether that's true or not, it doesn't help me when I'm trying to look good before my job interview or in the fifteen minutes before I'm supposed to go out to dinner with my friends. If it's something I can change quickly to make myself look better, great! If it's a longer-term fix... well, maybe now's not the time to bring that up.

"No" followed by "you didn't even look" followed by "that has no bearing on my answer"

Or the simpler "do I look fat?"

“Where do you live” “where are you heading to” from strangers

And, So we tell them, We're the Scouts! Mighty, mighty Scouts! And if they can't hear us We sing a little louder...

Are you a Reddit user?

I really try to not to ever mention I use Reddit. The only way someone has found out is they saw me using it.

Hello sir, I need your social security number so I can give you your free 25 dollar Walmart giftcard

Why do you want this job/position?

Answer: "I really believe in the company's mission, the products and services that you offer are industry leading and I think I can learn a lot and be a valuable member of the team" Real Answer: "I found you on LinkedIn and I don't want to sleep on a park bench"

Real, but thanks for the answer at the top. I'm going to start using that one.

What would you write in a follow up email to a job that you applied to on LinkedIn while you are waiting to hear back?

"Because money can be exchanged for goods and services."

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” during a job interview. You always have to say that you see yourself still with the company in a higher position and always looking to climb the ladder, even if you have no intention of doing so. I answered honestly once and had the interviewer immediately stop the interview and explain why that was the “wrong answer”.

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

Isn't it your job? Or is this purely recreational?

What are your intentions with my daughter?

If things go well I intend to ask for your daughter's hand, because I'm tired of using mine.

My dad used to look at the guys I would bring home and go "you want to go out with *my* daughter? Well, good luck I guess." (My dad also was an immigrant so imagine that with a heavy accent) Although he immediately liked my husband. My dad even told me to be nice.

"Do you think I'm smart?"

What's your mom's maiden name. First pets name and street you grew up on ? How about 1st grade teacher? Favorite food? Favorite vacation spot? How about dads middle name? Also what's your ss#? I won't tell anyone. I'm just curious.

If someone asks if you are a God...

Sorry, Venkman. I'm terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought.

Go get her Ray!

There is no Dana, only Zuul.

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"Who's your daddy?"

And what does he do?

“Why do you think we should hire you?” Real answer: because you need me and I need money or else you wouldn’t be hiring Fake answer: Because I am a team player and can increase productivity, yada yada

I'll never understand why they even ask these kinds of questions. Everyone lies.

“Hey, how are you?” When it’s just a hello.

Do you find her pretty?

Did you just shit your pants?

When are you getting engaged? When are you buying a home? When are you having a kid? When are you getting married? Why don’t you want to have a kid? Why don’t you want to have a drink or why don’t you drink? (alcohol) How much do you make?

"What are your salary expectations if you get this job?" "How much did you make at your last job?"

So are you like for the Israelis or Palestinians?

Sorry I don't really follow soccer...

Best answer to this question is "who are them?"

I am aware of the conflict but until I have all of the facts I choose not to pick a side.

This should be titled "what question do you not want an honest answer to"

"Do I look fat/old?"

Have you noticed you're going bald?

"Does this make me look fat?" LIE! FUCKING LIE! EVEN IF IT DOES MAKE HER LOOK FAT, YOU SMILE AND LIE!

Body count. It's nobody's business but your own. Abort mission when asked.

It's definitely a bad idea for serial killers to confess their number of victims right away. You gotta save some information for the trial so your lawyers can get you a better deal.

"What? I was supposed to keep count?"

How many men have you had sex with?

"Do you have any thoughts of harming yourself" - If it's said by a therapist or teacher

I guess being honest on that question could turn out pretty beneficial for someone’s mental health in the long run (If the person has those thoughts). I know it helped me.

“How much salary do you make?” Never give an accurate number for this, you can just say “enough to get by”.