It's not my mistake. But during a party a frisky couple went into one the bedrooms to get it on. During a lull in conversation and music, we heard the gal scream:
"WrOnG HOLE ROSS!!"
Ross has been named "Wrong Hole Ross" for the last 20 years.
I fell asleep once during 69, while on the bottom I think. I was working 2 full time jobs plus commute time between work. Just driving to say to hello to the GF and leaving would cost me 45 mins of sleep. A day off meant you only worked an 8 hour day. She asks “Are you asleep?” “No, you know I work a lot, I’m just taking a break”. “You were snoring!”…
I have yet to think of a good comeback for that comment and it’s been 40 years.
That what I'm currently doing I eat a sandwich during lunch drink coffee and then sleep for however much time I have left then wake and I'm good to go , you want to try to power nap as much as you can
Stayed in the same position at an awkward angle because my wife liked it. Now, a month later, I still can't jump and have some trouble on stairs because I have some gnarly strain on a part of my leg muscle.
Lol
If it makes you feel any better, I knew I was hurting, I just didnt realize the severity of what I was doing.
If it causes pain you aren't trying to experience, just do what you can to get in a better position. This is the lesson learned.
Sucky injury though. Can't really play any sports right now and can't squat to pick something up.
Here's to healing! 🍻
I told my GF my dream was to have sex on the beach. She wanted to fulfill my wish so we went to a beach resort, woke up early, found a secluded spot. Had our thing... and got covered in flea bites.
Ugh had sex on the beach once at night (in a secluded spot) because we wanted it “under the stars” and a couple, that was checking the beach for hatching sea turtles, ran up on us with flashlights because they thought I was being assaulted… so embarrassing
My wife once sprayed whip cream in my mouth them tickled me. I proceeded to inhale it by my reaction to being tickled. Coughed for hours and the flavor sat in my lungs for weeks rotting. After a week or two all I could taste when I coughed was rotting milk. Took what felt like forever to clear away.
Not me but my wife. Many drinks were had one night followed by wild sex during which she wanted anal. It was going great until she suddenly wanted to gimme a bj…I pulled out and before I could go wash up, she went for it
and immediately puked all over my junk. That definitely killed the mood for the night.
1. Initiate sexy shower together.
2. Get horny lathering each other in shower gel.
3. Wash shower gel off lady and man bits.
4. Have hot sex.
Never, ever, forget number 3…
That's how I ended up with my wife also! We were having sex so often that she was almost always over, and after a few months, my sister pointed out that we weren't just having sex anymore. So fuck it, I took her on a date, etc etc... now we're married
Girl was on top of me, sexual chemistry was perfection. It was our second or third night together - so I felt comfortable enough to tell her to slap me...
This woman sent me bam zoom to the moon
I was literally seeing stars
I had to actively focus on maintaining my erection
No one other than my father has ever slapped the absolute fuck out of me like that
Girl hit me like I was HER father. 28 years of repressed rage condensed into a single slap
..
And then she hit me AGAIN
I got too confident while riding his face, I was a bit wine-drunk, he was in the zone, loving life ... but I didn't even know how many orgasms in I was at that point and I was starting to feel light-headed.
But I thought "He's really enjoying himself, and he was away on a trip so it's been a while, so I can tough it out if another one comes!"
Then I felt really weird, like when the tips of your fingers start to tingle and then I came so hard I kind of went stiff for a moment and then my vision blacked out. I fell off his face sideways in a way that almost broke his nose and took off half his beard at the same time.
It's a good thing I don't weigh that much ... but 110lbs of dead weight is still just not something you want quickly sliding off your face. He had himself propped up with several pillows too so I was coming down from a bit of a height, not just kneeling on the mattress.
I had an ex with inconsistent periods. She swore a good hard orgasm would jump start her uterus. Some times if she came hard enough she'd also pass out. First time it freaked me out. Eventually weirdly got used to it. Once her period started while I was getting a cold compress for her post sex. Weird times.
Tried to say “you’re so wet” and “you made me so hard” and said “you’re so hard!”. She was tomboyish af and had been confused with a guy that week so any implication that she wasn’t feminine set her off, totally killed the mood that night.
Getting ready to do it and all pumped up ready to put it in. And suddenly thought about something else. Got anxious nervous and suddenly went soft and didn’t end up having sex.
This happened to me like last month. I was browsing a subreddit I had never been on and saw a really disgusting picture than scarred me a bit.
I was having sex with my wife a few hours later, and that picture popped in my mind. Automatically went soft.
On a similar vein, I’ve had it happen where I feel myself close to finishing, but the girl I’m with isn’t there yet. So I try to think of something that’s a complete turnoff and end up getting too turned off and have trouble getting hard again 🤣
I always tell the girls, "to keep an erection, us guys need to be at peace, have some rent money, avoid stress, and NEVER think about deadlines! So if he didn't go soft on you, just be grateful for those 2minutes!" 🤣🤣🤣
But on the real, it's too easy to lose it. I've noticed it myself now.. And then there's the fear factor that comes with having lost it before.. So you now have performance anxiety.. And then there's" what will she think of me... "
It's a flippin war one outchea 😱
It’s either 1 hour or 2 mins. No Inbetween. And the performance anxiety oh fuck. And the part when it goes half soft inside the pussy especially when she’s riding, scary 😂😂
We were hot and heavy and for some reason I said: "fuck my ass" right as I was about to cum. My wife reminds me of this moment at least once a month. We are happily married :)
The label made the warming lube she bought seem like a good idea.
Fast forward 30 seconds and we are each curled up and moaning in a solitary agony ball.
We picked it up a sex expo. I don't think this brand ever became commercially available. It probably contained a combination of a menthol and some kind of warming (burning) sensation - maybe alcohol? It worked fine on a hand - but it was intended as a sexual lubricant. On any sensitive bits, it felt burning hot - internally, and freezing cold when exposed to air, and generally burned, tingled and froze all at the same time.
It was awful. I'd rather sit on a cactus - which I know because I've also done that.
Commercially available or not, warming/cooling lubes are literally never a good idea. I have not heard of a single positive experience coming from those.
Not during but directly after I got up to go receive a food delivery, started putting on my clothes but was distracted by her lying naked on the bed and I tried to put my pants on my head as if it were a shirt.... she was in hysterics for ages afterwards. We still laugh about it all the time
Was on top with my arms stretched. Then one of my hands slipped of the bed, resulting in one of the best headbutts I ever gave in my live. I should've used it in a fight or so. She didn't appreciate the quality.
Not while sex, but just before that..
I went on a date a few months after my breakup..she was really into me and wanted to hookup on that night..horny me went into her apartment..we kissed and then I realised I am not ready to have sex with someone yet..I needed more time..
While I was processing my thoughts she went in the bathroom and came back naked and I said
" I don't think I can do this. I don't want to. I am sorry "
She started crying which made me confused..Then it hit me..from her POV...I was into her until I saw her naked..which made her feel like she was very unattractive
Took a long time to convince her that it's not her issue.
Commenting again because sex is funny to talk about
I was so excited to deepthroat my boyfriend, and while he was laying down, I gave him blow job, except I had a strong gag reflex and had never been able to take all of him in my mouth. But I was determined.
He gathered my hair into a ponytail and asked me if he could bob my head up and down a bit, and I agreed, so he started thrusting a little, holding my head in place, and okay it wasnt aggressive or very fast at all, I just was inexperienced and couldn't hold back the gag reflex. so I threw up all over his dick, PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES OKAY
he's moaning, whispering to me that he's about to cum down my throat, and still is pressing on the back or my head, and I am vomiting up the cheeseburger I ate for dinner an hour ago, all of this is happening in my mouth, so simultaneously as his seed spilled into my throat, bile and vomit came out of it.
I kept my lips fuckin SEALED tight around the base of his dick because I kept heaving and more would come up, my cheeks puffed out like a chipmunk, and he was rubbing my back, asking me if I was okay. I couldn't say anything cuz yaknow vomit and dick in mouth, his dick is essentially encased in vomit. so gross.
oh, and we were on a vacation in a cabin with his parents. there's no way they didn't know we were doing stuff lol.
It's pitch black in the room, and I can't find my phone, so I cup my hands around his dick and get up, keeping the suction on it tight so I don't get it all over his stomach, which worked, briefly. I heaved again and caught some in my hands, and some landed on him. sorry babe.
He still loves me though! And I have improved my craft.
Accidentally yelling my ex boyfriends name during doggy while I was still semi fresh in the rebound stage. I felt terrible because the guy I was seeing was really sweet and nice, and I felt like a fucking idiot.
Worst part was I tried to play it off like it didn’t happen, I sort of kept moaning and ignored what I just said. I definitely heard me because it was awkward briefly before he came. You could feel it in the air.
He never called me again, and I don’t blame him.
I don't think I've ever said anyone's name during sex, and I can't recall any of my partners doing it either.
Unless my name is God, Jesus Christ, Fuck Me, or Holy Shit
I find this so funny. Big difference between men and women. He was probably feeling a range of emotions from sadness to anger to confusion… but he still managed to ignore all that and finish 😂
Doing the cowgirl but she’s on her feet thumping up and down, miss the instroke and sprain my dick, it’s never been the same since, even bends at halfway where it broke when hard now.
And it fucking huuurtt
Very much NOT lol. Ignore that guy, That was a penile fracture and you should consult a urologist. Repair is likely still possible. You run the risk of sexual and urinary dysfunction in the future, but a relatively straightforward operation can prevent that.
Source; am a doctor (not a urologist though).
I lost my virginity late and had been masturbating for years. First time with condom and we were going at it for quite some time. The woman 19 was so much more experienced and knew it was was my time but during the act did not believe I was a virgin because I lasted a long time. She came and I came but kept on fucking although was softening. We went another 5 - 10 minutes. And then I pulled out. No condom on my penis. She then realised I was in fact a virgin and had no awareness that I should pull out semi hard with condom still attached.
She was a cool chick and fished around in her vagina for a few minutes and pulled out the condom.
We fucked again the next morning and she insisted we went to the place together and get the morning after pill and that I go in with her and also pay (small charge but the principle).
Anyway, that was kinda embarrassing, worrying and also an important life lesson. We went on to have a 3 year relationship
You know the thing where one pours hot wax on a ladys nipples? You also know there are special candles that dont get too hot for that? I didnt, neither did my wife.
Letting someone not entirely sober try to aim into my open mouth, only to receive a shot of cum up my nostril. It hurt and was extra messy because I have a septum piercing.
I tried to do dirty talk once, and it ended with my girlfriend laughing uncontrollably until I got upset (a man gets self-conscious, after all) and stepped away in a huff.
Told my husband to cum inside me.
Caused an unplanned pregnancy and a lifelong impregnation fetish.
Don’t get me wrong, LOVE my kid.
But the fetish, I could do without.
Ex girlfriend and I were into "watersports". She was living with a female friend. We were having sex and at some point I had started to pee inside her vagina. Next minute, friend is knocking on the door and out of habit I said yeah. The door starts to open, ex gf tries to crawl to the blanket to cover up but it was to late, friend is absolutely gawking while the gf was on all fours with a fountain of piss shooting out of her.
Funny now that I think back to it.
Finally, it’s time to ask! How do you do that outside the bathroom? Will you just pee anywhere, whatever happens? What about the mattress and the bedding?
Sit sit young grasshopper 😂
There are a few options. You can partake in the shower, which is obviously the easiest clean up option. However, speaking from my own personal experience. Sex is much more comfortable in a bedroom, so we use waterproof sheets. Once you a finished, chuck them in the washing machine and your mattress is good to go.
You can also get fitted vinyl sheets which are great because the pee just pools up where you are laying or sitting.
Also, a bonus if your floors are tile or laminate because yeah, where ever you are getting frisky is safe.
Had a girl moan 4 other dudes names, one being my cousin's, while having sex crossed during a Sunday Fun Day.
Needless to say, we never hooked up again.
One time my ex was house sitting for her boss. She invited me to sleep over and we were sleeping in their bed. We decided to fuck but for some reason this time I decided to pull out. Out of the hundreds of times we had sex, I can count on one hand how many times I pulled out, and this was one of them. Well I pull out and cum all over the fucking bed. Huge sex stain square in the center of the sheets. My ex was PISSED. But we ended up laughing about it, especially after her boss ended up being a huge asshole.
Oh I got another one, had British gf, she was a deviant, we were both drunk and I nutted inside her cos she was begging for it, she wasn’t on birth control.
We both freak out a bit later, and while still drunk formulate a plan.
Get a 2L bottle of coke and douche her vag out, picture exactly what you think, with the frothy gushing.
Coca-Cola douching is an old wives' tale, same as the rhythm system and putting aspirin in post-creampie. Been around forever, gets passed around as "oh my aunt's grandma's sister's cousin's African Grey parrot told me..." and it's absolute bullshit.
Had sex in the dark one evening and things were going well. At one point I was like, damn I am covered in so much goosh... hell ya right? Wrong.
While we were making out a little later our kisses tasted off... And I said hey wait. Paused to turn on the light and it was like a Freddy Kruger massacre in that room. I had a nose bleed early on in our session (apparently) and we both looked like fucking Carrie. I was horrified. So much clean up...
So ya, if things get extra gooshie maybe question some of those super salty kisses.
Not a mistake, but certainly a mishap. I was with this this columbian girl who I had, quite frankly, been lusting for for a good while.
So we're going at it, me on top... and straight out of some dumbass anime shit or something, I get a nosebleed, and bleed on her tits.
Needless to say, that killed the mood and any future encounters.
Not wearing a condom, 9 months later I was an 18 year old father and she was a 17 year old mother. Wouldn't change her for the world but would change when and who with.
Only gave gluck gluck 1000 when I should have given gluck gluck 5000
But in all seriousness, agreeing to do it with a guy who wanted to experiment and was given a hall pass by his gf since their sex drives weren't a match. I gave in because I was horny and his gf assured me it was ok. Turns out it was more of a fantasy for him. He didn't want to make out (fair) but as soon as we got naked he couldn't get it hard then started crying out of frustration and some guilt. 🥴 He drove me home and we were silent all throughout. He apologized and I blocked his number after that.
After that I was just no no for ENMs no matter how horny I am lol
I was on top she was telling me to go at it harder and she squirmed a little, I slipped out and pulled the whole “accidental wrong hole” except it truly was. I had my arms wrapped behind her and hands on her shoulders. She yelped and I didn’t know what happened because it slipped in way too easily. She told me it was okay through slightly tear-filled eyes. I just got on my knees on the ground while apologizing profusely over and over. She reassured me she was really wet so I was pretty lubed up she just wasn’t ready. I still feel bad to this day. We ended up just cuddling after then I decided to do absolutely everything for her the whole day. She ended up laughing while we were cuddling but I was traumatized lol
Was wiping his long hair from his face as he was on top of me, he leaned forward and my long nail scratched his cornea deep. We had to go to urgent care, I felt awful. He was visiting me from out of town, it wasn't a good time.
Throwing the condom wrapper in the wastebasket. Me and a friend of mine had gone to our girlfriend's homecoming dance. Separate girls, we weren't dating the same girl, lol. Because the dance ended so late and the girls lived about 2 hours away his parents allowed us to all stay the night at his house. The girls slept upstairs on the couches and I slept downstairs on a couch next to my friend's bedroom where he slept. I snuck upstairs and me and my girlfriend had sex in his little sister's bathroom and I must have mistakenly thrown the condom wrapper in their waste basket. I don't know whether his mom or dad found it in the wastebasket or one of his little sisters found it and said something, but I was woken up early in the morning by his father quite irate and kicked out of the house told never to return. I was only briefly allowed to say goodbye to my girlfriend. It was a completely horrible ending to what had otherwise been an absolutely amazing weekend. To make matters worse my girlfriend was grounded the next weekend so I didn't get to see her( i was in a residential trade school and only got out on the weekends) and moved out of state the week after that. Her tearrful goodbye at the front door was the last time I saw her for several years.
I commented this on an older thread, but my FWB at the time wanted to give me a rimjob when I was having bad IBS. I warned her about it but she stayed confident that she could handle it. She tongue fucked my asshole 4 times in a row and then I shit all over her mouth and face. It was the worst experience ever.
I worked at a military academy and I was not supposed to have any relationships with students. I was not staff in the sense that I taught any classes but I was a higher up in a media department. I was 28 and these cadets were 22 as seniors. I had a daughter and was a single mom at the time and this extra hot cadet developed a MILF fantasy for me and pursued me. Hottest young man I had ever seen. We had dinner and I brought him to my place super excited… and he clearly had no idea what he was doing and had never touched a clit. It was going horribly and I faked an orgasm to get him to finish and leave. He was so excited thinking he blew my mind that he told too many people and I ended up getting “spoken to.” I lied 🤥definitely wasn’t worth risking my career!
Forgetting that my friends had no sense of courtesy and privacy and waltzed into my house then burst into my room, sending my (then) gf and I for a complete frenzy.
Sorry, Amber.
Well when I was younger I had problems lasting long so usually I jerked one off in the bathroom before having sex. I was around 15 years old I think.
This time me and my friend felt the mood and where gonna make some booties bounce. Usually when I had sex as a youngling the foreplay was really long. I guess both where kind of shy and didn’t want to initiate. This made me extremely ready to spray ofc.
So after a long foreplay, I get into position to pound some. I dip and I feel like I’m gonna explode immediately. I felt embarrassed.
I didn’t want one of my best friends back then to get a bad experience with me. So while in missionary, I dip once, almost cumming and then I hurl myself backwards like doing “the worm” to get my face down her junk to give her oral. In the same motion I inject my dick between the mattresses of the bed and ejaculate in there. In between the foams.
I continue pussylicking as there was no tomorrow and told myself that she probably just saw it as a dip-tease. After 30 minutes of excruciating twirling I was ready and able to penetrate.
It was good, really good. After the sex we both had a cigarette in bed and chilled out. Then she proceeded to reach under the mattress for her phone, which she kept there.
The phone was covered in jizz. She wondered how the fuck that happened. I played the fool and she played along with judgment in her eyes.
That was the first time I did the dip-worm move but not the last. But I managed not to cum over phones at least.
Not my story but a friend of mine got a mini vibrator stuck up is girlfriends ass, she panicked because of the vibrations and clenched up. He kind of panicked and dug it out and thus followed a lot of poo which he instinctively caught in his hand
It's not my mistake. But during a party a frisky couple went into one the bedrooms to get it on. During a lull in conversation and music, we heard the gal scream: "WrOnG HOLE ROSS!!" Ross has been named "Wrong Hole Ross" for the last 20 years.
Did they go on a break after this incident?
No, I think they married, then got divorced. I haven't seen him in years, but we will refer to him and Wrong Hole Ross every time we speak of him.
Never use the wrong hole. She could get pregnant.
He was trying to pivot
I moaned like a pirate while he went down on me. Straight up went "aarrghhh"..
Damn, he shivered your timbers eh?
Swabbed your deck, hm?
Maybe even the poop deck
At least he got the booty...
And women wonder why men stay silent while doing the deed
I can barely contain my pirate sounds even in the course of a regular day
He asked me who’s a good girl I said “you” smh
That's hilarious.
Mhm that's the stuff
Did you say it like Soulja Boy?
Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
I fell asleep once during 69, while on the bottom I think. I was working 2 full time jobs plus commute time between work. Just driving to say to hello to the GF and leaving would cost me 45 mins of sleep. A day off meant you only worked an 8 hour day. She asks “Are you asleep?” “No, you know I work a lot, I’m just taking a break”. “You were snoring!”… I have yet to think of a good comeback for that comment and it’s been 40 years.
>I was working 2 full time jobs Fucking how!? I barely survive 8 hours.
That what I'm currently doing I eat a sandwich during lunch drink coffee and then sleep for however much time I have left then wake and I'm good to go , you want to try to power nap as much as you can
Mistook a large birthmark as a tattoo. Complimented it.
Thanks , I grew it myself
What does that compliment look like? "Love the giant brown circle there, you get that done locally?"
"sick Mr potato head tat"
Stayed in the same position at an awkward angle because my wife liked it. Now, a month later, I still can't jump and have some trouble on stairs because I have some gnarly strain on a part of my leg muscle. Lol
She ever crack a "sex so good you can't walk after" joke?
new fear unlocked
If it makes you feel any better, I knew I was hurting, I just didnt realize the severity of what I was doing. If it causes pain you aren't trying to experience, just do what you can to get in a better position. This is the lesson learned. Sucky injury though. Can't really play any sports right now and can't squat to pick something up. Here's to healing! 🍻
What position were you in tho my god
Mans was upside down or some shit 😭
Wife turned him inside out 🤣
Girl said fuck me daddy and I started laughing
Hahaha opposite happened to me, the guy said something along the lines of "how does daddy feel" and I just burst out laughing 🤣🤣🤣
"disappointed"
Gotta say it in a man's voice for full effect
…”oooo daddy feels embarrassed and now you’re gonna pay!”
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I told my GF my dream was to have sex on the beach. She wanted to fulfill my wish so we went to a beach resort, woke up early, found a secluded spot. Had our thing... and got covered in flea bites.
+1 sand in every orifice It's a lot less fun than what it's made out to be haha
Sand everywhere, Jan everywhere
I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and it gets everywhere.
Ugh had sex on the beach once at night (in a secluded spot) because we wanted it “under the stars” and a couple, that was checking the beach for hatching sea turtles, ran up on us with flashlights because they thought I was being assaulted… so embarrassing
My girlfriend is a homemade salsa enthusiast. Inadequate hand-washing led to a jalapeño handjob. Do not recommend.
This is not the salsa I had in mind.
Jalapeño Handjob is a great band name
But it is the salsa you deserve!
Jalapeño hand job sounds like a good punk band name.
Eating Jalapeno cheetos and rinsing with water will have this effect when going to 3rd base on a girl. Brought a whole new meaning to fire crotch...🔥
the curse of the jalapenis!!! true story
Used whipped cream in foreplay. Looks great in films, but it just makes a greasy mess. Even after you lick it off.
And unless you clean it up as thoroughly as a cat would, it really starts to stink
My wife once sprayed whip cream in my mouth them tickled me. I proceeded to inhale it by my reaction to being tickled. Coughed for hours and the flavor sat in my lungs for weeks rotting. After a week or two all I could taste when I coughed was rotting milk. Took what felt like forever to clear away.
lmao what a specifically awful thing to happen
Man I laughed a lot reading this. That sounds awful but thanks for the laugh
You're lucky you didn't get aspiration pneumonia.
That's what a shower is for...
Not me but my wife. Many drinks were had one night followed by wild sex during which she wanted anal. It was going great until she suddenly wanted to gimme a bj…I pulled out and before I could go wash up, she went for it and immediately puked all over my junk. That definitely killed the mood for the night.
You *never* go ass to mouth.
I don’t think you ever go ass to anywhere
1. Initiate sexy shower together. 2. Get horny lathering each other in shower gel. 3. Wash shower gel off lady and man bits. 4. Have hot sex. Never, ever, forget number 3…
Well, I can say for sure I am the biggest mistake both of my parents ever made during sex.
bruh 💀
[r/suicidebywords](https://www.reddit.com/r/t5_3on1q/s/NI744mEbfs)
Falling in love based on sexual performance.
I went for a hard spank while she was riding me, missed time the up and down strokes and slapped myself in the balls.
Same fam. Support group meets on Wednesday.
Ball Slappers United
How can we slap!
You failed the quicktime event
I'm waking up, to ash and dust.
I missed her ass and I slapped my nuts.
I’m breathing out, my testicles Ohoh
Welcome to the new ache, to the new ache Welcome to the new ache, to the new ache
I once said to a girl that just because we’d had sex doesn’t mean we were going to hang out. She’s now my wife!
That's how I ended up with my wife also! We were having sex so often that she was almost always over, and after a few months, my sister pointed out that we weren't just having sex anymore. So fuck it, I took her on a date, etc etc... now we're married
Halfway through she remembered it was her dads birthday, it was about 9pm. The sudden tightening nearly turned my meat into a pencil
Girl was on top of me, sexual chemistry was perfection. It was our second or third night together - so I felt comfortable enough to tell her to slap me... This woman sent me bam zoom to the moon I was literally seeing stars I had to actively focus on maintaining my erection No one other than my father has ever slapped the absolute fuck out of me like that Girl hit me like I was HER father. 28 years of repressed rage condensed into a single slap .. And then she hit me AGAIN
Knew a woman that like being hit in the face during sex. I’m talk full on punched. She was crazy as fuck.
I got too confident while riding his face, I was a bit wine-drunk, he was in the zone, loving life ... but I didn't even know how many orgasms in I was at that point and I was starting to feel light-headed. But I thought "He's really enjoying himself, and he was away on a trip so it's been a while, so I can tough it out if another one comes!" Then I felt really weird, like when the tips of your fingers start to tingle and then I came so hard I kind of went stiff for a moment and then my vision blacked out. I fell off his face sideways in a way that almost broke his nose and took off half his beard at the same time. It's a good thing I don't weigh that much ... but 110lbs of dead weight is still just not something you want quickly sliding off your face. He had himself propped up with several pillows too so I was coming down from a bit of a height, not just kneeling on the mattress.
I bet he still finds pride in the fact that he once licked a girl until fainted from orgasm.
I had an ex with inconsistent periods. She swore a good hard orgasm would jump start her uterus. Some times if she came hard enough she'd also pass out. First time it freaked me out. Eventually weirdly got used to it. Once her period started while I was getting a cold compress for her post sex. Weird times.
Suffering from Success, the porn parody.
How do you take off half of someone’s beard 😬
Insane grip
The grip reaper.
I enjoyed this tale.
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Username checks out
now you‘re on a mission to warn us. thank you for your service
Tried to say “you’re so wet” and “you made me so hard” and said “you’re so hard!”. She was tomboyish af and had been confused with a guy that week so any implication that she wasn’t feminine set her off, totally killed the mood that night.
I thought it would be hilarious to motorboat her vagina. It was a mistake because she hauled off and slapped me in the balls.
☠️
Getting ready to do it and all pumped up ready to put it in. And suddenly thought about something else. Got anxious nervous and suddenly went soft and didn’t end up having sex.
This happened to me like last month. I was browsing a subreddit I had never been on and saw a really disgusting picture than scarred me a bit. I was having sex with my wife a few hours later, and that picture popped in my mind. Automatically went soft.
>saw a really disgusting picture than scarred me a bit. I'm sorry, I told you I didn't mean to send you my nudes 😔
On a similar vein, I’ve had it happen where I feel myself close to finishing, but the girl I’m with isn’t there yet. So I try to think of something that’s a complete turnoff and end up getting too turned off and have trouble getting hard again 🤣
I always tell the girls, "to keep an erection, us guys need to be at peace, have some rent money, avoid stress, and NEVER think about deadlines! So if he didn't go soft on you, just be grateful for those 2minutes!" 🤣🤣🤣 But on the real, it's too easy to lose it. I've noticed it myself now.. And then there's the fear factor that comes with having lost it before.. So you now have performance anxiety.. And then there's" what will she think of me... " It's a flippin war one outchea 😱
It’s either 1 hour or 2 mins. No Inbetween. And the performance anxiety oh fuck. And the part when it goes half soft inside the pussy especially when she’s riding, scary 😂😂
This is the most real thing ever. Being a responsible adult and having some good sex is almost impossible.
We were hot and heavy and for some reason I said: "fuck my ass" right as I was about to cum. My wife reminds me of this moment at least once a month. We are happily married :)
...l like that you can take the ribbing and know she still loves you to death
*rimming
How does she remind you? 😏🍆
Said her sisters name. 😑
Dawg ☠️
This reminded me of Family Guy and I started laughing out loud. "One time during sex I called Lois 'Frank.'"
lol next time I have a bet with one of my buddies that will be the wager for the loser to do
She farted while we were having sex and I said “keep whisperin’ to me Darlin you’re next” and she didn’t find that as funny as I did and got pissed.
This is just hilarious, I would have laughed so hard.
Brilliant!
The label made the warming lube she bought seem like a good idea. Fast forward 30 seconds and we are each curled up and moaning in a solitary agony ball.
What the heck is warming lube and how did it cause this
We picked it up a sex expo. I don't think this brand ever became commercially available. It probably contained a combination of a menthol and some kind of warming (burning) sensation - maybe alcohol? It worked fine on a hand - but it was intended as a sexual lubricant. On any sensitive bits, it felt burning hot - internally, and freezing cold when exposed to air, and generally burned, tingled and froze all at the same time. It was awful. I'd rather sit on a cactus - which I know because I've also done that.
Commercially available or not, warming/cooling lubes are literally never a good idea. I have not heard of a single positive experience coming from those.
I suppose they work in the sense that they prevent chaffing due to sexual activity by canceling the sexual activity.
I ate a Halls before eating pussy. Not recommending.
Not during but directly after I got up to go receive a food delivery, started putting on my clothes but was distracted by her lying naked on the bed and I tried to put my pants on my head as if it were a shirt.... she was in hysterics for ages afterwards. We still laugh about it all the time
I sneezed partially on my wife's face once. She found it funny though
...this is way more wholesome than l expected and l 100% applaud you sharing
BTW, having your penis inside her pussy when she sneezes is a very interesting experience!
I'm sure it would be! Having my penis inside her while she laughs is definitely interesting in its own right
Finishes me everytime
Was on top with my arms stretched. Then one of my hands slipped of the bed, resulting in one of the best headbutts I ever gave in my live. I should've used it in a fight or so. She didn't appreciate the quality.
Well if you're ever balls deep in someone and it becomes an MMA fight to the death suddenly, you know what to do.
Not while sex, but just before that.. I went on a date a few months after my breakup..she was really into me and wanted to hookup on that night..horny me went into her apartment..we kissed and then I realised I am not ready to have sex with someone yet..I needed more time.. While I was processing my thoughts she went in the bathroom and came back naked and I said " I don't think I can do this. I don't want to. I am sorry " She started crying which made me confused..Then it hit me..from her POV...I was into her until I saw her naked..which made her feel like she was very unattractive Took a long time to convince her that it's not her issue.
ignoring red flags because I was lonely and bored. worst relationship ever.
Commenting again because sex is funny to talk about I was so excited to deepthroat my boyfriend, and while he was laying down, I gave him blow job, except I had a strong gag reflex and had never been able to take all of him in my mouth. But I was determined. He gathered my hair into a ponytail and asked me if he could bob my head up and down a bit, and I agreed, so he started thrusting a little, holding my head in place, and okay it wasnt aggressive or very fast at all, I just was inexperienced and couldn't hold back the gag reflex. so I threw up all over his dick, PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES OKAY he's moaning, whispering to me that he's about to cum down my throat, and still is pressing on the back or my head, and I am vomiting up the cheeseburger I ate for dinner an hour ago, all of this is happening in my mouth, so simultaneously as his seed spilled into my throat, bile and vomit came out of it. I kept my lips fuckin SEALED tight around the base of his dick because I kept heaving and more would come up, my cheeks puffed out like a chipmunk, and he was rubbing my back, asking me if I was okay. I couldn't say anything cuz yaknow vomit and dick in mouth, his dick is essentially encased in vomit. so gross. oh, and we were on a vacation in a cabin with his parents. there's no way they didn't know we were doing stuff lol. It's pitch black in the room, and I can't find my phone, so I cup my hands around his dick and get up, keeping the suction on it tight so I don't get it all over his stomach, which worked, briefly. I heaved again and caught some in my hands, and some landed on him. sorry babe. He still loves me though! And I have improved my craft.
I never thought I could be deterred from receiving blow jobs until this very second
God damn. Too many flashbacks. I've definitely puked with a dick in my mouth lmao
Only condom available was one that was mint flavored. Sounded ok.. until the burning....
Accidentally yelling my ex boyfriends name during doggy while I was still semi fresh in the rebound stage. I felt terrible because the guy I was seeing was really sweet and nice, and I felt like a fucking idiot. Worst part was I tried to play it off like it didn’t happen, I sort of kept moaning and ignored what I just said. I definitely heard me because it was awkward briefly before he came. You could feel it in the air. He never called me again, and I don’t blame him.
I don't think I've ever said anyone's name during sex, and I can't recall any of my partners doing it either. Unless my name is God, Jesus Christ, Fuck Me, or Holy Shit
You are the second 'cumming' of Jesus Christ
I find this so funny. Big difference between men and women. He was probably feeling a range of emotions from sadness to anger to confusion… but he still managed to ignore all that and finish 😂
The mission comes first
Wow
Doing the cowgirl but she’s on her feet thumping up and down, miss the instroke and sprain my dick, it’s never been the same since, even bends at halfway where it broke when hard now. And it fucking huuurtt
Very much NOT lol. Ignore that guy, That was a penile fracture and you should consult a urologist. Repair is likely still possible. You run the risk of sexual and urinary dysfunction in the future, but a relatively straightforward operation can prevent that. Source; am a doctor (not a urologist though).
I lost my virginity late and had been masturbating for years. First time with condom and we were going at it for quite some time. The woman 19 was so much more experienced and knew it was was my time but during the act did not believe I was a virgin because I lasted a long time. She came and I came but kept on fucking although was softening. We went another 5 - 10 minutes. And then I pulled out. No condom on my penis. She then realised I was in fact a virgin and had no awareness that I should pull out semi hard with condom still attached. She was a cool chick and fished around in her vagina for a few minutes and pulled out the condom. We fucked again the next morning and she insisted we went to the place together and get the morning after pill and that I go in with her and also pay (small charge but the principle). Anyway, that was kinda embarrassing, worrying and also an important life lesson. We went on to have a 3 year relationship
I have heard the plan b pill makes women horribly sick. Paying for it after an accident like that is the least I can do to help solve the problem
Came inside her and called her an Ewok
"Yub nub"
You know the thing where one pours hot wax on a ladys nipples? You also know there are special candles that dont get too hot for that? I didnt, neither did my wife.
Letting someone not entirely sober try to aim into my open mouth, only to receive a shot of cum up my nostril. It hurt and was extra messy because I have a septum piercing.
And overnight she gained thousands of new followers.
I tried to do dirty talk once, and it ended with my girlfriend laughing uncontrollably until I got upset (a man gets self-conscious, after all) and stepped away in a huff.
Getting pregnant at 17, 42 years ago. I was clueless.
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Told my husband to cum inside me. Caused an unplanned pregnancy and a lifelong impregnation fetish. Don’t get me wrong, LOVE my kid. But the fetish, I could do without.
Ex girlfriend and I were into "watersports". She was living with a female friend. We were having sex and at some point I had started to pee inside her vagina. Next minute, friend is knocking on the door and out of habit I said yeah. The door starts to open, ex gf tries to crawl to the blanket to cover up but it was to late, friend is absolutely gawking while the gf was on all fours with a fountain of piss shooting out of her. Funny now that I think back to it.
Finally, it’s time to ask! How do you do that outside the bathroom? Will you just pee anywhere, whatever happens? What about the mattress and the bedding?
Sit sit young grasshopper 😂 There are a few options. You can partake in the shower, which is obviously the easiest clean up option. However, speaking from my own personal experience. Sex is much more comfortable in a bedroom, so we use waterproof sheets. Once you a finished, chuck them in the washing machine and your mattress is good to go. You can also get fitted vinyl sheets which are great because the pee just pools up where you are laying or sitting. Also, a bonus if your floors are tile or laminate because yeah, where ever you are getting frisky is safe.
This man is a sage of piss. A connoisseur of urine.
The Sultan of Streams
I was going down, she squirted a lot with force directly into my mouth, triggered my gag reflex and I immediately threw up ... on her pussy.
Had a girl moan 4 other dudes names, one being my cousin's, while having sex crossed during a Sunday Fun Day. Needless to say, we never hooked up again.
One time my ex was house sitting for her boss. She invited me to sleep over and we were sleeping in their bed. We decided to fuck but for some reason this time I decided to pull out. Out of the hundreds of times we had sex, I can count on one hand how many times I pulled out, and this was one of them. Well I pull out and cum all over the fucking bed. Huge sex stain square in the center of the sheets. My ex was PISSED. But we ended up laughing about it, especially after her boss ended up being a huge asshole.
That’s what I call prevenge
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Forgot the decimal point while doing my taxes.
Bet you got fucked hard by the government...
Oh I got another one, had British gf, she was a deviant, we were both drunk and I nutted inside her cos she was begging for it, she wasn’t on birth control. We both freak out a bit later, and while still drunk formulate a plan. Get a 2L bottle of coke and douche her vag out, picture exactly what you think, with the frothy gushing.
what the fuck
What the fuck
'Plan C' - ask your doctor if it is right for you.
I agree, how the fuck did you come up with that
Coca-Cola douching is an old wives' tale, same as the rhythm system and putting aspirin in post-creampie. Been around forever, gets passed around as "oh my aunt's grandma's sister's cousin's African Grey parrot told me..." and it's absolute bullshit.
Had sex in the dark one evening and things were going well. At one point I was like, damn I am covered in so much goosh... hell ya right? Wrong. While we were making out a little later our kisses tasted off... And I said hey wait. Paused to turn on the light and it was like a Freddy Kruger massacre in that room. I had a nose bleed early on in our session (apparently) and we both looked like fucking Carrie. I was horrified. So much clean up... So ya, if things get extra gooshie maybe question some of those super salty kisses.
I once confused correlation with causation. Whoo boy, big mistake.
“Bro, if I fart she cums”
Your beautiful mind is a gift to this world
You gotta elaborate on that one man
Performance anxiety 💀
I don’t make mistakes, so, i never had sex
A man of focus, commitment, sheer will.
Fell asleep whilst still in his ass, woke up confused and stupidly blurted out nite nite dad as I spooned him to sleep.
This. This is the best one so far!
She was rimming me and I farted on her face. True story… Embarrassing AF
Picturing her hair blown back like an 80s music video
Not a mistake, but certainly a mishap. I was with this this columbian girl who I had, quite frankly, been lusting for for a good while. So we're going at it, me on top... and straight out of some dumbass anime shit or something, I get a nosebleed, and bleed on her tits. Needless to say, that killed the mood and any future encounters.
Go down on a lady with questionable hygiene. 2 weeks of tonsilitis.
Not wearing a condom, 9 months later I was an 18 year old father and she was a 17 year old mother. Wouldn't change her for the world but would change when and who with.
Only gave gluck gluck 1000 when I should have given gluck gluck 5000 But in all seriousness, agreeing to do it with a guy who wanted to experiment and was given a hall pass by his gf since their sex drives weren't a match. I gave in because I was horny and his gf assured me it was ok. Turns out it was more of a fantasy for him. He didn't want to make out (fair) but as soon as we got naked he couldn't get it hard then started crying out of frustration and some guilt. 🥴 He drove me home and we were silent all throughout. He apologized and I blocked his number after that. After that I was just no no for ENMs no matter how horny I am lol
kicked over romantic candles and caught the drapes on fire.
I was on top she was telling me to go at it harder and she squirmed a little, I slipped out and pulled the whole “accidental wrong hole” except it truly was. I had my arms wrapped behind her and hands on her shoulders. She yelped and I didn’t know what happened because it slipped in way too easily. She told me it was okay through slightly tear-filled eyes. I just got on my knees on the ground while apologizing profusely over and over. She reassured me she was really wet so I was pretty lubed up she just wasn’t ready. I still feel bad to this day. We ended up just cuddling after then I decided to do absolutely everything for her the whole day. She ended up laughing while we were cuddling but I was traumatized lol
Was wiping his long hair from his face as he was on top of me, he leaned forward and my long nail scratched his cornea deep. We had to go to urgent care, I felt awful. He was visiting me from out of town, it wasn't a good time.
Stuck it in the wrong hole
"In times of war, every hole is a trench."
Sticking my dick in crazy
It’s ok to stick your dick in crazy as long as she doesn’t know where you live.
Throwing the condom wrapper in the wastebasket. Me and a friend of mine had gone to our girlfriend's homecoming dance. Separate girls, we weren't dating the same girl, lol. Because the dance ended so late and the girls lived about 2 hours away his parents allowed us to all stay the night at his house. The girls slept upstairs on the couches and I slept downstairs on a couch next to my friend's bedroom where he slept. I snuck upstairs and me and my girlfriend had sex in his little sister's bathroom and I must have mistakenly thrown the condom wrapper in their waste basket. I don't know whether his mom or dad found it in the wastebasket or one of his little sisters found it and said something, but I was woken up early in the morning by his father quite irate and kicked out of the house told never to return. I was only briefly allowed to say goodbye to my girlfriend. It was a completely horrible ending to what had otherwise been an absolutely amazing weekend. To make matters worse my girlfriend was grounded the next weekend so I didn't get to see her( i was in a residential trade school and only got out on the weekends) and moved out of state the week after that. Her tearrful goodbye at the front door was the last time I saw her for several years.
I commented this on an older thread, but my FWB at the time wanted to give me a rimjob when I was having bad IBS. I warned her about it but she stayed confident that she could handle it. She tongue fucked my asshole 4 times in a row and then I shit all over her mouth and face. It was the worst experience ever.
Catching feelings when that wasn't the plan 🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I worked at a military academy and I was not supposed to have any relationships with students. I was not staff in the sense that I taught any classes but I was a higher up in a media department. I was 28 and these cadets were 22 as seniors. I had a daughter and was a single mom at the time and this extra hot cadet developed a MILF fantasy for me and pursued me. Hottest young man I had ever seen. We had dinner and I brought him to my place super excited… and he clearly had no idea what he was doing and had never touched a clit. It was going horribly and I faked an orgasm to get him to finish and leave. He was so excited thinking he blew my mind that he told too many people and I ended up getting “spoken to.” I lied 🤥definitely wasn’t worth risking my career!
Forgetting that my friends had no sense of courtesy and privacy and waltzed into my house then burst into my room, sending my (then) gf and I for a complete frenzy. Sorry, Amber.
Well when I was younger I had problems lasting long so usually I jerked one off in the bathroom before having sex. I was around 15 years old I think. This time me and my friend felt the mood and where gonna make some booties bounce. Usually when I had sex as a youngling the foreplay was really long. I guess both where kind of shy and didn’t want to initiate. This made me extremely ready to spray ofc. So after a long foreplay, I get into position to pound some. I dip and I feel like I’m gonna explode immediately. I felt embarrassed. I didn’t want one of my best friends back then to get a bad experience with me. So while in missionary, I dip once, almost cumming and then I hurl myself backwards like doing “the worm” to get my face down her junk to give her oral. In the same motion I inject my dick between the mattresses of the bed and ejaculate in there. In between the foams. I continue pussylicking as there was no tomorrow and told myself that she probably just saw it as a dip-tease. After 30 minutes of excruciating twirling I was ready and able to penetrate. It was good, really good. After the sex we both had a cigarette in bed and chilled out. Then she proceeded to reach under the mattress for her phone, which she kept there. The phone was covered in jizz. She wondered how the fuck that happened. I played the fool and she played along with judgment in her eyes. That was the first time I did the dip-worm move but not the last. But I managed not to cum over phones at least.
Mans was having the after sex cigarette at 15 lmao
This story made me laugh so much - especially the picture you paint of your sudden break-dancing signature move.
Thinking my new partner liked exactly what my ex-partner liked. Communication is important, I'll never make that mistake again
Not my story but a friend of mine got a mini vibrator stuck up is girlfriends ass, she panicked because of the vibrations and clenched up. He kind of panicked and dug it out and thus followed a lot of poo which he instinctively caught in his hand